Trusty Hogs - Ep139. Tampons, Toblerones & Trenches

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

Helen has some top tampon tips, Catherine's been loving the tour life and we solve a tricky hen do dilemma featuring an actually pretty attractive itinerary...TOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'Reilly / Jay SPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Aussie Steph / Jam Rainbird / Nathan Smith / Amanda McCall / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah JWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. Hello, Helen, welcome to episode 139 of Trustee Hoggs. Helen, hello, I'm Catherine Bowhart. I'm getting high. No, you're not, you're drinking one CBD drink. I know, but it says, okay, I'm having a CBD drink. This is like the third time I've had one. Today?

No. Okay. Ever, ever. Okay. Because, like, I never want to have one if I'm gigging that evening. So I'll be so high on stage. You won't be able to function. Do they get you high?

I don't think so. it says maximum recommended daily CBD intake 70 milligrams which is seven cans right so I need seven cans and that's the recommended maximum but that's not so you're not even close I don't know I'm feeling pretty loopy right now that is already how you were three six so I genuinely feel levy no that's because you've had two and a half copies and this is the second episode where oh yeah by the way in case you're listening to this and you're new to the podcast you can really tell I think when we've recorded two episodes in one day because while the first one's always mad this The second one is weird.

So get ready to get weird. I'm fucking under the sea right now, bet. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as a trust. trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not what does it mean what does it mean i don't know i don't

know i don't know i don't know i was trying to like do like a whole like because you know when you're like so tired and you're out of it that you feel like you're underwater do you get that feeling i never feel like i'm with the eels with the eels in the trench the one trench they breed in let's get back to this what do you remember do you remember when we were back in the old office and like but it's still going on. I spoke to Gwyneth about it. She gave me a little bit of an update. I feel sick. There is, they still don't know how eels breed because they're still in that one trench, but they are finding out about new species of eel that are coming out of it. So there are a couple of people who are just watching that trench round the clock trying to see. It's giving creepy. It's giving

creepy. It's giving creepy. Let's get Gwyneth Keyworth eel talk trending again, everyone. Hi. Hi. How are you? Yeah, good. Okay, good. I'm thriving. You're always thriving. No, I genuinely am thriving at the moment. How come? I'm seeing my second musical of the week tonight.

I'm high as a kite. No, you're not. You've had two zips of one can of a BD Adrian. Sineal's away for two days. He's gone to somewhere with a flapjackery. I will be getting a flapjack by the weekend. Sineal, bring me one, please. I have a complete chill day tomorrow, like a genuine...

I want the Millionaire Square one, please. Oh, that's so good, the millionaire short. by the flapjack from the flapjackery. Shout out once again to the flapjackery. Oh, shout out. What I call my vagina. Go on.

Ew! Oh my God, that was actually too far for me. That was fucking disgusting. Um-nam-nam-nam-n-nom-n-n-n-lut-fluging. Oh, now I'm picturing like oats flaking off, like a really dry vagina. That is, by the way, do you know about vaginal dryness?

Wait, I can tell you about this. You just found out about it. No, I can. kind of knew about it but I forgot you're always moist it gets I you know what actually I was thinking about talking about on stage about how I think I'm one of the few drier women left out there you are no one's going to believe you no because I don't get now one's going to believe you because you are turned on and fall in love that quickly but you just every time you just no you've constantly sell on this podcast so there's always something going on down there yeah there's something

but it's usually like an infection or something left yeah but you've always said there's something coming out no you can't we can't roll it back and change your whole brand I'm dry no no No, no one believes that, sorry, I'm not, no. No, I was, okay, so you know. Your brand is damp, and I'm sorry, by you. No, can we not say damp? Can we say like, like, like, moist. Like, like, seeping, weeping, weeping, a weeping sore.

No, we don't like that. No, oozing feels like spotty. Gooey? Gunky? The day after the period, I'm all right. No, okay, M looks so angry right now. It's so funny that you'd even think you could possibly change. your brand to dry when literally like everything you say

about it is like it's always a bit slick you're slick is a word you've used a lot okay I am slick like oil slick that's the color I'm not referring to the feel that's that we've lost so many listeners so far I don't think so I think they're here for us

so many I'm hearing the sounds of men tuning in that's what I'm hearing I think they're here for it and we'd like to say welcome please stay we're up for anything we can't believe she took the dog We were just talking about guys' podcasts. Sense podcasts are all.

She took the dog. And my wife's a bitch. Can I say it? I've said it now. You're a wife or my wife? They have to do a podcast. Some of the guys who got together do a podcast called Can I Say It? I've said it now.

Somebody's got to say it. In all the best, I've said to that. Can I say it? I've said it now. I don't know why it has to be northern. That's so inappropriate. No, I liked it. No, I've shaken up my morning.

We don't know what men. I'm outside of my Everybody Loves Raymond and Frazier phase. So now I'm watching, no, not back to Simpsies, even though I do need to dip back into Simpsies at some point. Okay. I'm now, and by the way, Simpsons, if anyone knew and can't translate. I think they got it. I think they got it. Oh, and also, thank you for joining us today.

Hello, welcome. Thank you for joining us today. I now watch Grace and Frankie again in the mornings. Excuse me, I did a burp. You purped? because I'm having a kombucha. Did that show up in the sandwaves? Can we actually, can we get that?

No, we're not replaying my tiny bird. Damn it. It's so little. Well, you'd have noticed it was like, no, I don't. Helen don't, Helen don't. Helen don't. Helen don't. Helen don't.

Can you hear the noises in my stomachs? I prepared it in my throat. Why did you do that? Because I don't know. I thought we were having a burp moment. No, I was horrified that I did a tiny. You're disgusting. Why are you like this?

I'm so sorry. You can't, I can't get it ready and then not. No one asked you to. I felt like the beat. Also, how do you even do that? Like summon one? Oh.

I don't know. I've never known. I've never known to just sort of call on one. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's acid reflux. Oh, God. It's acid reflux. Yeah.

Gosh. So I watch Grace and Frankie in the morning. No, you're not just. transitioning to that now. This is the second episode of the day. I can't believe be caveated it already and it's still like. It's so weird. Okay, go on. Grace and Frankie. Yes, I love it. It's in every episode. It's incredible. I adore it. Me too. And I was like, this is the perfect time to like have in the mornings. It's so funny. It's so brilliant. Lily Tomlin's everything. Tomlinson? Isn't she? Tomlin. Yeah, I got it right. Back yourself,

Catherine. Oh my God. She's so funny. She's so funny. She'd have seven cans of CBD. yeah she fucking led and she'd have told me that like her burps were like a spirit leaving her and I should get on board that's what it was a spirit leaving me and you should get on board okay I'm definitely the Jane Fonda in that dynamic haven't I fuck

I agree with that for anyone who didn't hear I didn't agree because I was nervous but obviously you're Lily and I'm Jane I think you're Brianna which is so what as if that's the insult Brianna's incredible she's a CEO no

hornet. Wait, is she the really skinny sister? Is she the one with kids? They're both very skinny. Sorry, is she the one with kids? No, that's Mallory. Fine, okay, few. Okay, I'll take Brianna. Okay, great. It's rude. It's rude. It's rude. I think I am Jane. I still think it's rude.

Okay. But I will take Brianna over Mallory. Sorry, Mallory. That's really harsh. I'm obviously a soul. Are you fuck? Yeah, I'm frankly. Are you fog? Okay. back no you're not frankie you're you're the other husband what's his name michael no so and oh my god what is his i literally watched it two episodes this morning god this is great no no we can do it we can do it robert robert there we go we go in women

i believe in women i believe in women i want that noted down and no one else believed in women did you ever do that to remember things you're like amy it'll come to me. Robert, you're such a Robert. Okay, thank you so much. He's in a musical theatre in the late season. And also closeted for years. I can see that for you. Thank you so much. Right. Can I please? May I?

May I? You must. In the first season they're talking about like, Frank is making her own lube and they're like all women just... I heard that burp. I know. I'm sorry. We've started it now and now my whole body is wreaking havoc because I've forced it up

which means that there's now, there's so much more to get out. I'm so sorry, but you did start this. I was horrified by a tiny word. Can I please talk about elder women's vaginal dryness? Yeah, but it's crazy. They are, fuck, it's arid. There we go. How about that for a nice word?

Arid. Now, but it happens to all women. We're just going to get so dry one day. We don't know what happens to all women. It happens to all women. We don't know that. I get all my facts from comedy shows. It happens to all women.

Okay. which means at some point we're going to get dry. And apparently, according to this comedy show, there's not enough products to keep women moist. And that sounds uncomfortable to be fully dry down there. Because, like, we all know that, you know, like, you know when you put up a tampon because you think you're going to start,

but then you don't start, then you've got to pull out a dry tampon. No. You've never had. For fuck, so everyone has had that. That is a lived experience. I believe you, but I would ever put on a preemptive tampon. Okay.

Can I explain? I might have done 10 years ago, but as you know, I had the quote for 10 years, and my periods barely came back and insofar as I've come back they're very, very light. So if I think I'm going to come on,

which I'm still at the stage where I've not used to have a period so I keep being like, what? Every time. But were I to know I would put on a period pant rather than waste a tampon

because they're expensive. Okay. Because I'm not just throwing my money up, my coach, like you, Helen Howard. No one's buying tampons anymore. Everywhere's become a space for women. You just steal them from everywhere else. Yeah, to be fair, that's a great.

When was the last time, Any woman bought a tampon. Oh, you're right. That's what corporations in their business. You go into a left-leaning space, such as a podcast studio network building or a workspace or a she work or a gym and they will provide you with your sanitary needs. And then you grab and you leave. I haven't seen a woman buying a box of tampons since.

I'm going to call it 2016. This schmock didn't know the rules since she got out of her coil So I've been buying them like a numbedy Well now I will go to those left-leaning spaces You're a fucking moron sweetheart I'll tell this as well You're a moron if you're buying branded tampons You're a moron

They're exactly the same The only thing I will say though is I cannot do Without an applicator Right that is so mental Applicators are so frightening That's so weird to me because I don't want Why would I want to be putting my finger in there When it's full of blood

Why would you want to put plastic up there That could nip a bit of the lip and get you caught. That's never happened to me. That, well, it's a fear I live with daily. Not daily. How bad is your aim? It's not, it's not an aim thing.

It's more like, you have to put the applicator in there. I'd like to quickly record a caveat for the beginning of the episode. This isn't for everyone. If you were questioning, if I am everyone, it's not for you. Continuing. How bad is your aim? It's not an aim thing. It's the applicator.

you have to pull, right it's the insertion. Oh, it's a pushing in by that you're getting caught in. Yeah, yeah. That you're like squeezing two bits of like plastic or paper together and that a fold or a flapjack

as you lovely put it like a rolled oat would get caught. You're getting your pubs caught in there. So that was happening. No, I'm hairless. And you, I'm not. I can basically braid it at this point.

But like you, you squeeze it and then something gets caught and it's not happened it must have happened because I do I fear it but the fear you're living with it but whereas finger you can get it exactly as deep as you want and also what are we talking about now well I want I've got a hidden cervix it's very high up hence of the big speculum I have to use when we discuss my smear tests so like I want to get it quite high up yeah but what why it doesn't need to be closer to your Because you know when it's like, it's uncomfortable when it's at the bottom of your vagina because you can feel it.

Yeah, but there's a middle ground. There's a middle ground, yeah, but I want to get, I don't want to be close to the bottom ground. I want to be on, I want to be on, I want to be on a higher plane. And I hear you, I just like an applicator. I find it easier and I don't like going in there with my hands when I'm all like feeling each to their own. Especially just like, yeah, I want to just, yeah, I want to just, I know the weed

doesn't come out of there, but still. No, but it does. It's all in sense. It's all like, that whole, like, it's all like, I don't know. It basically does. It's like a myth. Yeah. Like the hole is like inside of the hole.

It's so weird. It is so, right? Or is my body wrong? No, no, I agree with you. It's like all over the shop there. Yeah, like it's crazy. So when people are like, it's a different hole, I'm like, yeah, but the hole is inside the hole.

So it's like. It's not inside the hole, but I know what you mean. But we still stand by every hole's a goal. No. No. Never did. Never have. But if it's, if we're playing leaky submarine, that would be one thumb for the piss and the vagina

hole. Disagree. No. No? You'd want to get a pinky and a... I think it'd be, yeah. What are you girls like? Anyway.

Anyway, I'm watching Grace and Frankie in the morning. Gorgeous! What a way to wake up! How nice! How long did it take us? To intro the episode? To get to great. 14 minutes.

Play the intro song. Through the fog. Nice. I've got another exciting. an update, but I don't know how long this is going to take. Wait, can I just tell you a quick story of mortification on my part? Please. Okay, so I was at the wind.

I was at Winchester. I'm doing my tour show. Yark. Oh my God, a gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. I love to hang out in the library. Had a gorgeous time. Really nice stuff. Really lovely vibes.

Really lovely audience. They were like, they were so nice. They were definitely like too polite at the start. But unlike other audiences where sometimes they'll close up, they actually came with me. I just like popped them on me back and we went for a nice wild ride and it was so fun. But I had a gorgeous time. And if I'm a gorgeous time. And, if I may, afterwards was like, this is so nice.

It was like the first place that people have like kind of like waited to come see me. Like, as in like, maybe that's not true. Maybe I've been sneaking off to my car. Anyway, basically I ran into this queue of people who were like, hi, who went to say hi. This man who brought his daughter to her first ever gig, so cute. This man who him and his daughter had seen me, had seen us at Hogs at that festival we did.

Was it last dude maybe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just like lots of nice dads and daughter combos. But then this lovely girl who was sat in the front row and she brought me a toableron. first of all I was like oh my god happy airport day to me right I really felt like I was in duty free it was heaven but she had her phone out

so I was like oh do you want a picture and she was like oh no I was like oh god Catherine it was she was like and she went oh that's not really my thing I've done this that's not really my thing and then she went I just had it in my hand oh you're so embarrassing

I've done it I've done it because you think they're awkward to us I think you're embarrassed to us so you're like, you're trying to be helpful so you're like, hey, do you want a photo? Yeah. And the one you will never ask again, just, you know that you have to ask us

if you want photos. I don't think more people have said, yes. So I've been like, okay, that's what you're going to ask. But you're never going to ask again now. Once you've had that one rejection. Oh, did you want a photo? No. And obviously they don't say no.

It was worse than that. It was like, she was so cool. She was like, oh, she was like almost like sad for me. She was like, oh, no, like that's not really my thing. And I was like, no. And the only reason we're asking. It's because we think that you are nervous to work and we're trying to help.

Yes. It was hell. So that happened but I got my Toblerone. I did really like... So it all works out great and it happened. I actually forgot how much I fucking love a Toblerone.

Yes, insane. I love a Toblerone. I love Tobleron so much. First of all, I forgot how much I love them. I adore them. I don't like the white ones but I love all the rest of them.

I don't mind the white ones but it's not my preferred toblower. I get it. But also recently I had the... I've had a lot of, Tony's chocolate lonely the hazelnut one oh my good

why are we taking around with anything else the green one why are we taking around with anything else it is perfection it's so good I can eat a whole one

in each setting setting anyway that's what I've been up to when I think about that woman and her following in her hand I just eat another chocolate bar

have you tried the M&S Swiss mountain bars oh my god they're so good but legally they can't say the type around they're so good

It's incredible. May I also recommend George came to my house to watch a television show and she brought from the Father's Day range the Father's Day mix I don't know

I don't understand it but it's got like chocolate covered popcorn it's got pretzels it's got like biscuit covered chocolate bits it's got chocolate covered nuts it's got like

some sort of delicious savory pebble it's so good and it's so like what you would think a dad would it's like you know the way dad's like

hate waste yeah it's like one of those bowls where they tossed everything in and everyone's just like Father's James mix and it's just so good

what was it like but obviously stockpile because I don't think they'll do it year round father's hate waste my dad ate what was it my sister was saying that he ate she was like she usually exaggerates and she was like oh fucking dad's such a loser he ate like three week old

cream frown oh no cream today he ate three week old double cream and I was like oh he's so disgusting and I just thought it was like a bit of a lie of an exaggeration he came on and he was like I'm fine it was fine and I was like you fucking mental case You're 72.

You already shit yourself about eight times a week. That man, he's got white towels, absolutely pointless. He strikes every single one up. Like, he's a fucking minger. I'm moving on. That's fine. I'm moving on that style. That's vile.

I will say one of the first time they went to my girlfriend's house. She scraped up a towel. No, her dad was like kicking off on her mom. Not kicking off, but like was disgruntled because she'd thrown away bread. And she was like, dude, it's got mold on. He was like, I would just scrape it off. And you're like, why are you? they like this.

Soneil is exactly the same. Every dad is the same. Exactly the same. You're like, what, why? Just why? There's no need. And also, you can't boil off malt. No, oh my gosh.

You also can't toast it off. You can't microwave it off. Thank you. When water's hot, it's not a disinfectant. It's just hot water. Yeah, it's just like, oh my God. Oh my God. Why?

When it's Father's Day? That feels soon, actually. When you said that, I got a little nervous. What are you going to do? I live in a different country, so I just send a person. Maybe you have to send a card. I send a card or a gift, yeah. Is that enough?

I thankfully have incredibly diligent siblings, so I'll just usually, like, piggyback on that. Maybe I'll send the M&S mix. Isn't having diligent siblings worse? Because they, like, remind him that it is Father's Day. Yeah, but they will also include me and they're like, and also from, and I'll just send cash. What the fuck up?

There is an option. I've just, like, remember Father's Day, because I was like, I have not read the big family, what the main once one but there is an option of a Father's Day walk

for me no for the Bowers oh I don't think I should go to your one no I don't think I should go to it oh my brother said he can't make it does that mean you're out of it

probably yeah okay interesting my dad can go with his brothers oh they can think about their dad there we go they can think about their dad who was not the best you wouldn't want to intrude

God Grandpa Bauer was a fucking fucking grim specimen of a man. You wouldn't want to think on that for very long. Especially if you'd just eaten three-week-old cream. But thank you for the science work you did, Grandpa Bauer. Uh-huh. Yeah, I talked to my cousin recently, and she was like,

he used to make a smoke mob reds because he was like, if you've smoking a cigarette, you're smoking a real one. Which is like the strongest cigarette. She was a teenager. And she'd have like rollies and he'd be like, grow up, you're 15. We're laughing, but it's not okay. That's insane.

Oh my God. Put some effort in. Whoa, that's crazy. Your short hair is so fab. Thank you so much. I really love it. You've started doing this like new thing. This move, yeah, this move's new.

The little like bump. Not had hair this short and so long. It's gorgeous. And it's the feeling on your hands of like the ends of your hair. Yeah, really fab. I'm living for it. I feel like I'm going to have to, I have to wash it more now though. Why?

I can't just scrape it up. Right, yeah, okay, I got you. Like, because I don't wash my hair loads. I like to, like, not be in that cycle twice a week. But now I think it's got to go up to three times a week. Because usually during the twice week, there's a full day where it's just like scraped up. But now I'm like the scrape up would like have like bits flicking down. You could just do it all with clips, I guess.

Oh, that'd be cute. Like Lizzie McGuire's mom. Yeah, that'd be cute as her. Do you remember that look? I do. Yeah, I'm obsessed. Wait, wait, how long do we have left? What time does Claire's success?

That's where he's close. I think you'll make it. Should we all go? No, thank you. Could you imagine? Although yesterday. If next episode I came in with like 50 butterflies in my hair. I'd be obsessed and not at all surprised.

Although yesterday I hung out with Charlie Dinkin and we went for a cake and coffee and then guess what we did? It was the most wholesome hang. I haven't done this in ages but it was so nice to do it with a friend. We just did a really big boots. Oh. My God. It's one of the few shops where I really feel like I can probably afford most things in here. Just quickly for our international, not the electrics, obviously.

Just for our international listeners, boots is not what you think it would be. It's just like a chemist. Yeah, it's a chemist, but it's not like we're in Britain, we're different. Like I bought deodorant bathsals. At boots. It's crazy. Antihistamines. Wait, what happens when you go to curries?

Your mind will be blown. I bought facial cleanser. I bought a facial, a body scrub. I bought sun cream. I got a, picked up a prescription. Oh, the best one. Eyebrow tinting gear. Oh.

And something else. I spent less than 40 pounds. And did you spend normal money or boots money? I spent less than 40 pounds, but it would have been over 50 had I not had my advantage card with me. But I did so I got the advantage prices. No mind if we do.

Just a reminder to everyone. Nail Hardener. I got nail hardener. Wait, what the fuck is nail hardener? You know, just wanted to like, Because my nails are associated after all the... Gell. Yeah.

Okay. Oh my God, I want to do a big boot shop so bad right now. It was honestly heaven. Heaven. I loved every minute of it. What sort of scrub did you get? Body scrub. I got the soap and glory.

I have that one. I love it. In my shower. It's a classic for a reason. But I've just been getting a little dry elbows. Ew. I don't know what I like. Ew.

Fucking minger. Yeah, my vagina looks like an old slick, but that's mental. You might want to edit that out. That's embarrassing. But I... But I instantly got a scrub and cream and now they're fine. I just was getting slightly dry.

I'm in a moisture phase. You're kind of rude, you know. I now do that thing. You're kind of rude, you know? I'm sorry, Kathwa. Thank you. You know when women are divorcing in films and they moisturise their hands before they go to bed.

Oh my God, and it's so involved. Like, if you're moisturizing hands where you go to bed and you're in a marriage, your divorce is coming. Oh, yeah, I agree. If she's putting on hand cream right before bed, she is plotting her at exit. Oh, God. How was your day?

How, wait for it, wait for it. How was the office? What do you never see? Ready this? I love you so much. Never. Shall we have sex? Never.

A woman moisturising her hands is not a punner fucking hands on you. That woman's plotting an exit. I agree. So I'm voisterizing. But I'm not in a relationship so don't read into it. I do foot cream before bed. What does that mean? I love foot cream.

Me too, big fan. Which one have you got, Body Shop, the peppermint one? The lush pepper mint one is. what I'm using, it's pink. Yes, I've seen that one. Mint is green. But it's pink. Pink mint.

Holy shit. What does it mean? Tell you what we should do, we should do like a moisturising day together where we get some of the girls over, our driest friends. I'm not lubing up with you for a day. I don't want to loob up with you for a day.

List your three driest friends. I actually have a lot of damp girls in my life. trying to think of yeah we can't do this now um are we thinking parched dry skin or like dry down there i think i'm parked because i'm always thirsty you don't drink any water i do you don't coffee doesn't don't count by the way can we just quickly circle back to those family cups you're given i'm obsessed i am pissing so much so much so much i drink at least two of them a day now it's the most hydrated i've ever been obviously it's peach squash not order but it's more water than i would ordinarily drink because I keep it on my desk.

And I have, it turns out, I think I really have an oral fixation. Because I constantly like to eat, eat, eat, eat, but now that I have them, I eat a little bit less because I'm like, I love to drink my water. I cannot get off the toilet. Yeah, I completely agree. It's insane. I get up in the night to wee every single night. What? You're drinking too late.

Every single night. You're drinking too late in the day. I get thirsty at bedtime because I read my book and I drink. You're drinking too late. I just remembered something. Keep the conversation going. what we're the only two people in the conversation how can I keep it going if you've left me alone have you actually just rolled over there to get your own personal diary do I go but I was

reading it's a book it's a book I'm reading I don't want to hear dear diary I'm reading Sophie Hagan's book isn't it good which is called oh isn't it good will I ever have sex again will I ever have sex again that's it I knew it's very nice and I just reminded me we've had a couple of problems over the last couple of months maybe in Patreon as well as the main episode where like people's sexual desires aren't matching their partners so their horniness isn't matching the other person's horniness

and anybody else would say libido libido that's the word or sex drive the libido's aren't working on there is a chapter in this I think it was in gender called no in sexual trauma a chapter called sexual trauma a chapter called sexual trauma but there's a real riot of a laugh it's such a good book but there's loads in it about the um

about the libido and like it about how it does change but also like the language around like how you can make your libido work for someone else and like how you can do like levels of like approval and like giving and receive it's really cleverly written out so anyone I know we've tried to solve these problems many times and we're trying our best but then I was like damn it! I wish we had this book before then. So, like, if you were one of those people and you're still struggling with it, get this book and read the chapter

that says sexual trauma and the rest of it, obviously. We're setting reading now. I love that for us. I just thought it would be useful if people didn't know. That's so funny to be like, we have a podcast, we need people riding with their problems and we're like, just read this fucking duck

and don't fucking email us okay. I'd like to think if we do stumble across from me. We're not experts on anything. You're dead right. I think that's a really good advice. I'll read it. Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and t-shirts. Warning, bombas are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes.

Sorry, do we legally have to say that? No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my bombus. They do feel that good, and they do good, too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com and use code audio at checkout. Oink, oink, brim-brum, motherfuckers, we're going on tour.

Bristol's already sold out. I can't believe that. And we've got a new date for Dublin, and Edinburgh and Brighton are selling pretty well. Where are we going and when are we going there, Helen, please? We are going to Bristol, 10th of July. If you got a ticket, great. If you don't, you fucked it.

17th of July. We're at Brighton at the Forge Comedy Club. I love it there. Me too. did my tour. It was amazing. Love a, love, love, love it. Come on, Homo's, get down there. 12th of August. We are at the Edinburgh Monkey Barrel. Tickets for that are going super, super fast,

so please, but if you want to come. And also, come see our shows as well. Both on that day. It's so lame not too. Wednesday, 16th of October, we are at London at the Clapham Grand. The Clapham Grand. Oh, it's a big boy, so feel free, tell your friends, bring your friends, bring your aunts, bring your uncles, why not? What I have to do

a number there? That might be where we do lame is, finally, Andrew. Okay, 19th of September, we are in Dublin at the Laughed Lounge. That was rearranged. We're sorry about it. It was me. It was me. I had a job come in, which then got rescheduled, and Catherine doesn't know about that.

So I actually could have, Wednesday, 6th of November, we are at Manchester at the Frog and Bucket. I love Manchester. Join us in Manchester. Come see us book tickets right now. Are you joking? And I'm not joking. I love you so much.

See you soon. Bye. no no me neither yeah i'm hanging loosey goosey baby what's that was that hanging loose is that something people say when they're high i'm hanging loose i think you hang loose if you're surfing i'm hanging oh i'm not surfing is that right i wouldn't do that apparently that is when a guy goes commando it makes so much sense that does make sense that's disgusting in all fairness with these lips and the size of pant i'm joking these pants if anything are a little bit too too small.

Really? Yeah, I think so. Where are you getting the tug? Just getting a wedgy? I'll just show it. No. Oh, you're up. VPL.

Can you see? You actually can't. Oh, can you not? No. They're the perfect fit. It's IPL. IPL. I thought it was VPL, visible panty line.

I know, but in your case it's IPL. What's that? Invisible. Oh, very droll. That's have a problem. I guess. Jesus Christ. okay this is like we are both talking but to who you know i'm sorry um this is from e hi he he says hi katherine helen andrew and m um long time listener first time problem shareer here

hi e hi exciting there's quite a lot of exposition here bear with me there's some initials to remember i absolutely love the critique of the writing lot of exposition from e still enjoyed it but thought the first half could have been shorter skip to the interval already Yeah, no, not a criticism, but here we go. My ex, N, broke up with me out of the blue about a year and a half ago when I was away on my year abroad. Oh, God. She became super close with my best friend G around this time, and they continued to hang out with each other after the breakup and became inseparable. It always felt slightly strange that they were friends, but I was happy enough as long as I didn't hear about it. When I got back, En had left for her own year abroad.

I'm a cougar, I know, and I thought she would finally be out of my life. Fast forward to now, N is back in my very small city. N and G have decided to start living together. So my ex now lives in my old house, in my old room, in my old bed. Have they gotten together? Are they just living together as friends? We'll find out. Okay.

I guess maybe E doesn't know. While I've had a relationship in between N and I's breakup, which broke down about a month ago, I still feel uncomfortable going over to hang out with them. It's been so long since we were together, but it feels like the elephant in the room every time we're forced to hang out. G keeps inviting MN to group events outside of their home with all my friends. I've tried talking to G about it, but she's never been in a relationship, so it doesn't really understand how scarring a breakup can be,

especially between two baby lesbians. How can I get over any awkwardness? I'm not going to ask anyone to stop being friends with N. As deep down, I still care about her and want her to be happy, but I need some way to be civil without wanting to cry or scream when we're in the same room. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. P.S., I'm an ex-Irish Catholic baby lesbian. Catherine you are my role model oh that's so nice and e oh my god I feel your pain and the truth is

there's no easy answer I think that the calculus I'm about to present you with is when you've already made a decision about right which is like do you know that removing yourself from the situation or even just like the sense of the situation is that it makes you feel like replaced already. So I don't think removing yourself from the social group is either fair to you or what you want, right? Because that would be horrible. I think there is absolutely validity and a need probably on your part to mourn the friendship that you had with G because I don't think it's ever going to be the same because it can't be because they are they are friends now and they do live together and that must feel so

sad but things will change again but I don't like it I think the calculus is this do you want to be part of that friendship group sounds like yes do you want them as in end to be comfortable

sounds like yes that's very kind of you but I think the real calculus is like what's easiest and best for you and I think probably as you say finding a way to be civil is that but I feel like often when you are

kind, polite, civil overly generous to a person who's hurt you it can often be for like the current and future betterment of you and your social group but it can also really feel I have felt like a betrayal of the version of you that they hurt like a real... And it can build a resentment in you as well

just because you can do it doesn't mean it's actually like fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. But then it can you can go home and just be like seething and it's not fair for you to have your relaxing alone time to be like but also I can really feel like the girl who they hurt would not be glad that I'm doing this

but then I was saying this to somebody recently actually and she was like yeah but the flip side is like how proud you must be of yourself that you now can do that you probably couldn't have done that right after the breakup and I think that's a real testament to how far you've come that you can do that

and also if you can also be like fair and kind to yourself about the fact that your own relationship the one that you had since that probably felt like a step forward has just ended and so like these things are going to hurt more in those points of change again and of confusion again but it is a difficult situation and I think mainly what I'd say to you is like it's okay to feel complicated and to feel torn about it and lots of us for whatever reason because of friendship group

because of professional circumstances whatever it might be would love to just be like you're not a person that exists in my world but can't have that option and it's very mature of you to try to find a way

to move through it for everyone I'm sorry G's not responsive to listening to how that feels for you that feels selfish to me but it also sounds like you've just gone on Gaffir years so i'm guessing you're all or like study abroad years which makes me that you are like young so i'm trying to have compassion for her if she's never had a relationship either as you say

you're being very fair to her but i do think like not having a relationship doesn't mean that she can't like listen and understand the pain that you're in um so oof that's painful oh e thoughts have i said anything wrong or it's no it's one of those it's one of these things when get something it's written in where you're just like oh it's just going to suck like and I do you know what I want to be like doesn't matter but it does yeah and I also want to be like it's fine

but no why should you have to why should you have to just those things they do happen in the one thing I'm wondering all walks of life at any point like do I mean there's just someone where you're just sort of like oh god this just doesn't yeah the one thing I'm wondering is I do wonder if it's still an elephant in the room

if it's worth having a conversation with of being like hey FYI can we have a coffee check in see how you are all that jazz and also just like just so you know like it doesn't cost me nothing to do this like to be your friend to make space for you in the friendship group

it's difficult that you live with my best friend I'm not asking anything of you I'm not trying to hurt you but I just like sometimes it's quite nice to be like acknowledged as like that's not just easy for me so that the other person maybe, I think you can sometimes like soften the edges of the other person a bit or of the interactions

if they know that you're not just like fine and that that isn't it doesn't come at some expense to you. Maybe that's like the person who's best to speak to in this context. That's interesting. I think there's also something to be said for like we're living in a world where go with me on this. Like I know I'm trying to do it.

because I talked about it in my show last year but like this radical world of self-care where it's got to the point where it's like your number one always put you first and I don't agree with that because sometimes someone else needs to be number one and like if you are in that age group then there will be a lot of like

well I need to make sure my needs are met and this is what I want to do and it's what feels right for me like you are allowed to sit down with someone and say like this has cost me a lot and also like you're hurting me and this like I matter too and it's like I think it's a very tricky thing to say

but you are allowed to because you're doing the opposite thing where you're put in everyone else first and there is a happy medium and there's a chance that N says oh yeah I'm kind of aware of that but didn't want to patronise you or assume that it was hurting you also I don't find them the easiest

also you were just in a relationship I found that tricky but you know like I think maybe being like aware that you're both like oh like and sometimes like actually when you're with an ex like in a friend circumstance like sometimes like even I find like getting on can be almost as painful as like when you're not you're just a bit like oh it depends on how you feel about the person and what it brings up for you but it can be painful and when it sounds unavoidable where like you should have some reprieve I hope I will say don't you don't have to replace your friends but I do hope you have other friends.

you will with whom I'm sure yeah but with whom you can have some space from and where she's not everything like I do think it's worth having another group say like 11 aside whatever your version of another group is like it meets on Wednesdays to train who knows like it doesn't have to be a sports team I didn't meet Catherine till I was 24 or 25 there you can make friends at any age I didn't meet you until I was like 29 when that would be 25 cute they can come into your life whenever

cute any additional thoughts poorie I think that's good I think that's good advice I would say yeah try hard to start making new friends honestly there's no way out yeah it's really horrible you're Irish everyone will love you

yeah you really are I will I will say that go to America they love the Irish there So if you're just about to finish university, I imagine you'll soon or be leaving anywhere, and that might make things easier. If you'll know your own separate ways, great. Wow, M and I coming at this from a very specific place.

You're probably going to want to make some new friends. Okay, bye. Get high. Well, good luck. Just wait for an old guy. Send us an update. Let us know, please. I'd like to know how you get on.

I'd love updates to ones like this, where it's just sort of like, it's going to be okay. It will be okay, but we'd love to hear us. shall we do another problem hell yes okay we're on a roll off you go okay great this one is from ah hi r says hi aw aw we say or or that's nice but i have to say are to anyone don't understand me this country hi hogs love the podcast i look forward to it every week it's a perfect balance of chaos and sense um i've been invited to my friend hendy she's set up a WhatsApp for all of us and then left

so the rest of us can discuss it and it will be kept secret from her that organizing from the bride is incredible. Never fails. Incredible. That's good, isn't it? That's all brides that I've experienced. Really? I feel like the maid of honour

has to like gather all the numbers and it takes so long for the bride just to be like, here's the group, everyone's in it, I'm off, have a good life. No, that's the only way I've seen it done.

I've never seen it done. Okay, well, full respect to this bride. Yeah. And also slay for the maid of honour for not having to make that WhatsApp group. Yeah, fair. But she still has to be in it.

It's true. Which is nice sometimes. But usually not. The two brides. made's put together a program and asked us what we think it's going to be bottomless brunch perfume making a five-course meal with wine pairings and then augmented reality axe throwing okay they are all really good option incredible also is it just in one day yeah I think so a one day hendoo oh that sounds wicked it does what is augmented reality hacks throwing what is

perfume making perfume making I know I've seen these like on instagram group classes like you sort of like pick your favorite scent profiles and then you like mix together. Chador. Okay. Well, no, unless you don't make the last year. Uh, R goes on to say, though, I don't drink wine or wear perfume, but I was willing to put up with that bride to have a nice day.

However, with all of the activities they're planned, the day is going to cost us $216 each. This is way more than I would ever expect to spend. Yeah. I've said as much and suggested that we drop the perfume making, which is the most expensive element, but they weren't willing to budge. People have dropped out now, so there are only five of us going. The bride, the two organizers, another girl and me.

I know the other girl thinks it's too expensive as well, but with it being just the two of us against the organisers, it's difficult to get anything changed. I know the bride has said all she wants is a nice day with a good meal with friends, so I don't think she would mind if we dropped activities in favour of a cheaper day. However, they have known her longer, and it feels like there is only so much she can do if the organisers won't listen. So my question is, do I suck it up and put everything on a credit card or keep fighting them? There are only a small number of us going, and if I push too much, it might cause bad vibes on the day. thanks R. P.S. fingers crossed, they don't listen to the podcast as there is no hiding who this is, really. The problem is R, for the first time ever,

it's tricky for me to answer this problem because I would also be revealing my feelings of every hand who I've ever been to. My strong sense, though, is like... I was like being like, just go for the drinks in the evening, just go for the dinner. You can miss an activity. but now it's down to five people, I think. It's so difficult because it's... I would say, I would personally say,

my advice would be, whether or not I would follow this, I don't know, but my advice would be, what's the first activity? The first activity is bottomist brunch. My instinct would be to say, hey, I can't wait for the day, I'm going to come to everything, I cannot afford, there's no arguing with that,

I cannot afford the perfume making. So I'm going to have to sit that one out, but I will then just regroup with you guys at the dinner. I think that's so good. It's no drama. Because then it's their move. It's just a case of like, hey, I can't do this one part, but don't make them feel bad about it.

It's not a thing. It's just sort of like, hey, I'll see you. I'm going to go for a coffee at that time. I'll see you afterwards. Can't wait to smoke a perfume. I know she's going to love it. But like, yeah, I think that's the only thing you can do. I will say I was on a Hindu recently and people in the group were just like so freely like,

oh, I'm only going to make it this one day? and I was like that's so cool that people are just like I can come but I'll be coming from and nobody made a big deal of it it wasn't an issue I think that's good the conversations around Hendoos

have so changed like the stereotype of them being like this crazy expensive weekend and like everyone expected to do it I think because it's been like parodies and jokes so much that like now it is just sort of like hey we're going to be doing this

like the core group and then it's like if you can join us for drinks we'd love to see you we'll be in this bar I am surprised though like I've organized a Hendo and the thing that I was obsessive about was checking in at every turn and I was just on a hinder that somebody else

organized and she did the exact same thing which was like before I book this can you personally opt in for yourself because it costs this much money yeah and then you could opt in and opt out of parts because it's like no one thinks it's normal to have to spend hundreds of pounds well some people do but like majority I don't think you can expect that people have that much money to spend when also going to a wedding like usually have to pay for travel accommodation and outfit a gift like there's like no one is an inexpensive thing. A gift. No, I'm drinking.

Yeah, a gift. But it's tricky for me to have an opinion on this because that does sound like such a good hending. Yeah, I'm real sorry about our reactions because we were like, can you imagine, right,

getting that many women together, who've done a bottomless bunch and then taking them axe throwing, that's going to be fucking insane. It's crazy. And a dinner, and a dinner with wine pairing. They're going to be

fucking steaming chucking those virtual reality axes. Also, to be honest, I wouldn't want to be the organiser who's pissed anybody off if people don't have axes in their hands that's crazy what I'll say is this I think

Hendoo in a raid room write it down someone write that down I remember that I would love that I would love that I do think it's a shame that like they can't see

that the fact that it's so expensive has put people off like if you're down to five you surely just go with the guy like also you could do so many other things than perfume making that don't cost so much money but anyway I think you just opt out

you're completely within your rights to be like I can't wait and I can't make that part because I can't afford it I think that's the 100% the right thing to do. And I think they will realize as well that like the perfume making up saying the bride really, really love and this is a really old friend organizing it.

It might be a lovely thing just for the two of them together to make her wedding perfume. Like that's a big thing now is like buying a perfume for your wedding day, having a wedding scent. And it's sort of like, maybe that's a... But maybe that's just for you and the bride activity. Just the two of you to be like, hey, we're going to make a very special thing for you today.

Heaven, enjoy. Oh my God, I might make Emma Blackgo perfume making for her wedding. Are you organising her hand in? No, no, no, I'm not. I think she'd love that so much. No, no, no, no. I'm definitely not part of any of that.

She knows my role in the wedding. Which is? Guest. Has she asked bridesmaids already? Oh, I hope so, yeah. Okay. I'm guest to nothing more. That's my role.

My friends know where I stand. I, yeah. I'm a weird bridesmaid man. I'd say going forward, that would be my role too. I'm a weird choice of a bridesmaid. I'm a weird bridesmaid. Weirdest bridesmaid. I will be a weird bridesmaid.

guest and I will do everything beforehand. I'll help get stuff. She won't want it. I'll do something wrong I'll ruin it. But I'm 100% there. It's going to be, you know, this is going to be the most gorgeous wedding of all time. Yeah, it'll be stunning. Like she's, it's going to be beautiful. I cannot imagine a bride who wants less input from other people. Then you and Emma individually. Yeah. I'd be like,

my ideal wedding is one where everyone thinks it's a party. And then it's like, oh look at the wedding. It's happening now. Shut up. Just enjoy it or get out. I have seen a couple of her ideas. I would not be showing anybody anything. They are gorgeous. I would have no opinions. Welcome. Can I tell you really quickly before we go?

I don't know if I've told you this before, but the best stag do I've ever heard of. Wait, did the lesbian see Abby Jacobson and, oh God. Got married. Oh my God, her wedding. Jodie Bell for? Yes. Oh, my God.

I saw it. The most gorgeous wedding. Oh, fucking gorgeous. Lesbian wedding is just more romantic. Do you ever, I see it. Every time I see a picture of a lesbian winner, I'm like, it's just so much more romantic than a girl and a guy and her dad.

Like, it's just like, I think lesbians just noticed to keep the dads to the side. Like, and it's just sort of like, straight weddings is more of a day for him, like for the dad than it is for like, do you know what I mean? And it's sort of like, they're so into that. There are the photos.

That engagement ring is one of my favorite engagement rings of all time. It's so beautiful. Jodys. It's like a thick gold band and it's sort of like a mounted, embedded, like rectangular cut diamond it's so beautiful and unusual

and I thought it was asthenine Goyge Gwages Gwages Gwages Gwages No but do opt out of that

perfume Yeah what Catherine Like literally just like Voice and Catherine saying it And say I've changed my accent and sent that And the best stag do I've ever heard of So it was someone who was like really into history

And so the best man was like Let's do I can't remember who told me this some some friend of a friend or comedian. But they were like, right, let's do a history stag do. So they were like, right, we're going to go to the Battle of Hastings, the field. And they hired a medium to walk around with him and a couple of mates to communicate with dead soldiers that died on the ground.

How incredible of a day out is that? Just a load of geeks, just in a field with their anorex on with a medium going, oh, shot in the foot. I don't like that. also my worst my worst fear is my husband to be going around a field getting advice from young soldiers pre-wedding don't marry just fuck everything you can before you die like no that's not i don't want any of them that's not what they were saying they were saying like ow no they weren't for the king no stop for the king in country who's your favorite new author shakespeare haven't heard of them like stuff like that

like what do people say when was the battle of 1066 they wouldn't have heard of Shakespeare then even a bit later than that I was like when do you think the battle of Hastings was I don't know 490 years to that I reckon no 1066 what would they be saying um give me a minute where's my gruel no what do they eat plants be plant based no steak thank you so much for listening to this episode of trusty hogs see you soon what toothpaste stuff like that There we go, there we go, there we go. What's Colgate? Um, uh, the Egyptians Egyptians invented toothpaste, Helen. When do they invent toothpaste? The ancient Egyptian. The ancient Egyptian. Well, motherfucker. Um, well done you. Um, what, what's

a tote bag? Stuff like that. Yeah, nice, nice. What's a podcast? Say goodbye. Bye bye bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'll keep us going off mic. Bye-bye. Jesus. What's an iPhone? I needed to stuff. you so, so much to all of our amazing producers that literally keep us closed, fed and this podcast coming at you. So please give it a massive, massive round of applause for the incredible execs. It's Simon Moore. It's Guy Goodman. It's Annie Tonner. It's Stephanie Katzaccia. It's Oliver Jago. It's Anthony Conway. It's Neil Redmond. It's Madeline Quinn. It's Grace O'Reilly

and J.S. Over to Bohart. Thank you, too, to our producers, to Richard Bignall, to L to Richard Ball to Sadie Kashmir, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby Wharf, Luke Bright, Kate, Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink. Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Tristan, Tass, Charlie, A, Casey, Amanda McCall, Tasman, Smith Harding. Ooh, new person, hello. Tamson Smith Harding, Tamson Smith Harding. Claire Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke. David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel, R, Sarah and Molly, Tina Lindsay, Lee Overend. Hannah J. Dean Michael, Jam, Rainbird, Nathan Smith, Liz Ford, Clow, Aussie Steph, Anthony, Anthony.

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