Trusty Hogs - Ep14. ABI CLARKE / Porn, Picky Bits & Pizza Express

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

The fabulous Abi Clarke joins us in the studio this week for a chat on musical theatre, unrealistic porn, and the joys of Pizza Express...Thank you so much for listening!Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna BautistaPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa Dunkeld Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and Happy New Year, Hogs. We hope you had a lovely festive period and a starting 2022 as you mean to go on. Just a quick edit before we start this episode. We refer to it as episode 12. It's actually episode 14. I'll try and promise that this is the last numbering mistake we'll make, but it almost definitely won't be.

But yeah, so it's actually episode 14, not episode 12. We've got the lovely Abby Clark in the studio, and Helen Bauer is absent for the first half of this episode because she was isolating with COVID when we recorded it. But luckily, she is COVID-free in the second half of the episode, so you will not be missing Helen Bauer for too long. She will be around to interview the wonderful Abby Clark for this, episode 14, the first 2022, trusty hogs.

Enjoy. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Hello It's Catherine and Andrew today Hello, yeah Hello, welcome to episode 12 of trusty hogs Andrew, you're here standing in for Helen Are you going to do what's right or what's wrong?

I feel like just to honour how Ellen's memory. She's not, she's not died, but to honour Helen, I'll be doing what's wrong. I'll be taking the morally, like, devil's advocate kind of position. Okay, interesting, because you haven't snorted yet, like a little hot. Oh, no. I was saying, like... That's for you, Helen, babe. Oh, for goodness sake. Hello, it's episode 12. And Helen will be here in this episode. However, we didn't get time to record the first half of the episode. We just had time to

interview our guest, our wonderful guest, Abby. And, but more importantly, So Helen and I talked to her, but we were supposed to record the intro today, but Helen has COVID. I know. I wasn't expecting her to test positive because she's been isolating. Yeah. Because her housemate got it. But she was fine. I thought. She's just such a drama queen.

You just don't think, you just assume she's crying wolf, which is awful. And actually, like, it's so bad. So when she sent through that she got it, we were both like, oh my God, baby. I'm so sorry. It won't be the same with her. you and then she immediately sent me the like a dramatic song from some cartoon it was um oh what was it

I don't know get a nightmare Christmas Nightmare Christmas? Nightmare before Christmas Oh no it was Remember Me from Coco Why did you think Nightmare before Christmas? That's nothing like It was just like a spooky cartoon I don't watch them imagine No because it's the Day of the Dead it's Mexican themed Remember me Though I have to go along

You say it like I've not seen Coco It's oh my you should watch Coco it's really good Is it long maybe? No it's not too long long it's really sweet. Why am I like is it long? I'm so dumb why do I ask? It's a kid's movie. It's a kid's movie. I just ask like, oh God, that's like if someone's like, do you want to, you should watch Babe, it's about pig and me being like, are there subtitles?

I don't want to have to read my pigs. Anyway, uh, wow. Yes, welcome to episode 12. Helen has COVID. Send good a happy thoughts to Helen. Um, but she was here to interview Abby. So she'll be a lot. in all of 20 minutes. You're not going to be missing at Helen Presence. No, but for now, Andrew, it's your goddamn time to shine. I know.

I really worry. Because it's fine, like, behind the producer desk. Yeah. Because, obviously, you have to sustain the whole episode. And I can only chip in when it suits me. Whereas now I have to, like, sustain... Be funny the whole time, Andrew. Let's start by talking about your adorable nails.

Thank you very much. My friend, Danica. Danica Beauty Specialism is in Portsmouth. What's your name, Danica? Danica McLeach, beauty specialist. Beauty Specialist. Love that, Danica. Yeah, they are starting to grow out a bit.

They're, like, Christmas, but party, not, like, weirdly intense mom. Yeah, yeah. It was unintentional. I just, it was just my favourite colour, and it's come out very Christmassy. I love them. I love them. She did a good job. Actually, also had a really good job on your eyebrows. Thank you.

They are, I was a sceptic to getting your eyebrows done. What do you mean? Well, I'm not like... What, like, you didn't believe in it? Well, no, I believed in it, obviously. I'm not like some weird conspiracy there. It's like, actually, no, eyebrow. treatments aren't real.

I know, I was like, what are you talking about? Made up by mainstream media. No, I just thought, I was like, what's the point? They're just eyebrows. But then she threaded them once, and these have been waxed. But, yeah, people started complimenting me. And I was like, I like, I like the attention. They frame your goddamn face, Andrew.

I didn't even, yeah, didn't even think about that. Next, you'll tell me you don't have curtains in your house. You just have blinds because who needs curtains. I did used to just have blinds at my parents. We have curtains now, me and Sam in Baltimore. Yeah. And don't they make everything better? Unless it's like a Roman blind, you know, or a prison cell.

It was the Roman blinds? They're like, they'll fold down all the way over the sill. Oh, yeah. Or those like wooden ones that are beautiful. Like in Mamma Mia. Like Shutters, stunning, stunning, stunning. But like, yeah, you need a curtain. Yeah, I've got curtains.

And a lovely carpet. I've never, because our house has always been. I don't think I believe, wow, turns out I don't believe that there's such a thing as a lovely carpet. Really? Yeah. No, I love a good carpet. Do you not like the feel on your feeling? eat in the morning. I like a rug.

Mm-hmm. But why would you have a carpet when you could have a beautiful wood floor? No, I don't think... We're not speaking in euphemism by the way. You don't like wood floors? No. So wood floor would be a Brazilian in this euphemism? No, no, just a wood floor. Stop being dirty.

Well, no, I know I've never really liked like wood paneling or tiles or anything. I get the practicality of it. That's why the kitchen is tiled. But I much prefer carpet, and we've got a lovely carpet. in Bournemouth so every morning my feet get a little treat oh my god that's hideous to me I don't who prefers carpet but think of all the dust oh we hoover we hoover how often Andrew oh once for a night I'm sorry what but I still that dusty we're not dusty people how dare you

people aren't dusty air is dusty yeah I guess you don't live in London maybe you can hoover I don't think well this thing we are noticing right that doesn't happen no I think it's going to be at least once a week because we we mentioned I said we mentioned I mentioned I mentioned on stage that me and Sam share bread and the gigless audience went absolutely crazy that's the maddest thing ever. Oh, if you don't know what giglas is,

Andrew and I started a gig during lockdown, like, one, and it's gone on until now, and it was called Giglas when we were Giglis, but we now do a live show in Angel in London, and Andrew did, in fact, mention he was talking about how, like, him and his house, just casually mentioned him and his housemate, share bread.

Yeah. And rightfully, the understanding, entire room was like... Not the entire room. It was split. It was split. It was not split, Andrew. You expected it to be split.

In fact, you expected them to all go with you and you were so sassy about it. You were like, oh, sorry. We're not like mad people who have their own bread. And literally everyone was like, yeah, of course we have our own bread. Just freeze it. But it's because in London, you're like sharing with 20 people. It's just me and Sam. And we can barely get through a loaf in time just ourselves.

Freeze it. I don't want that admin. Admin. Yeah, I've got too much admin in my life. Sometimes I forget that you're 22. And then I'm like, I wish, I wish that freezing bread was my biggest source of stress. Imagine.

Okay, so Helen's not here. I feel like we haven't put enough emphasis on that. In fact, I can imagine her listening to this being like, I'm sorry, this is crazy. I have COVID and they are talking about bread. So, Helen, we wish you well. Yes. We want Helen, however, to have a safe space to express herself on this matter. Yes.

By which I mean, she told us she's recording a message and we have to put it in the show. Yeah. We will now play that message. Yeah. Great. Hey guys, it's Helen Bauer here. I got COVID. So unfortunately, I will only be in the second half of this episode

because basically we pre-recorded it. I'm totally fine. I got literally no symptoms. I'm living the dream. If anything, what I'm saying is get COVID. It's so lull. Catherine Andrew will be in charge of this episode. And then you will have me with.

our amazing guest, Abby Clark. Please enjoy the episode. Welcome back. I don't know what she said. I didn't listen to it. No, me neither. No, she just shouts. We love her so much. We actually, I need her. Yes. Yeah. I really missed her yesterday. Oh my God. It wasn't the same without her. I hate saying that. Like, we did Giggles Live and it was just sort of like, oh, I guess you did. Christmas without the kids kind of doesn't make any sense. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't want to have children. But when you're there being like, I guess this is when Santa would come. That's what it felt like. It felt like, it was a nice gig. It was a great gig, but it wasn't like a gigless gig.

I know, yeah, darn it. She's very important. Andrew, we never asked you this. Coming up to Christmas. Yes. What's your favourite Christmas tradition? What do you guys do in your house that you like? Because apparently, I don't know you at all, since you prefer carpets to wood floors.

Just because in the morning and then your feet on the rug. I don't want to have, fine. What about the summertime? What about the summertime? It's still great. It's nice. It's still nice in the summers. Why would the summer?

summertime, make the carpet worse. A nice cold floor. Nice cold floor in summertime. No, no, I don't. The carpet can be cold. You see, it's such a, it's such a gay male privilege to be like, I prefer carpets. I'm right? Wow, sorry, what? I'll explain. I'll explain. You've seen all of my hair. Okay, my girlfriend also has long hair. Um, some has long hair. No, but like, long hair. Sam has, okay, fine. It's just like, kind of. Ours is, it's just like, honestly, I could build a third person for our relationship. with the amount of hair we hoover up every week which is a harrowing thing to realize but it is in fact true it doesn't work very bristly three-way it doesn't work yeah oh sorry sorry

yeah grim and we're back to gay male pretty okay so tell me about your Christmas traditions got anything good not particularly is this kind of just go with my parents

and chill out on Christmas day lots of food I think my favourite bit is probably the cheese platter like not excuse me what Well, after dinner, we all chill out, have dessert, and then for some reason we're not full. We have like a little kind of picky bits with lots of cheeses and like mini pork pies. Hold on, hold on. First of all, what time do you have dinner at?

About one-ish-two-ish. Oh, my God, that's early. Yeah, but then you... One is or two? Of course you're hungry. Just before the Queen's... You've basically had brunch. You do not watch the Queen's speech. We do, yeah. I don't care about it. No, you don't, Andrew.

But we all sat ready to... You organize your dinner for brunch time so that you can watch the queen. No, not just to watch the queen. That's just a coincidence that we're sat ready for dinner and then the queen comes on. You watch it while you eat your dinner? No, no. Mom's probably finishing in the kitchen. Mom's probably finishing in the kitchen.

Oh, now I see how it is. No one helping mom? No, she doesn't want help. Is that right, Andrew? She's just, he shoes us out of the kitchen. Huh. Okay. Go on.

Then, yeah, so we have dinner around one is two-ish, and then probably desserts around three. maybe 3.30. What do you have for dessert? Christmas pudding, and there's always like a sort of more kind of eaten mess-style, non-traditional dessert option as well because everyone likes Christmas pudding.

And then chill out for a few hours, watch TV, maybe play one of the board games that has inevitably been bought for somebody to only be played on that day. Yeah, yeah, of course. And then around 6 o'clock, maybe 7-ish, we'll break out the picky bits. Okay, so before we get into the picky bits,

because you know I want to get into them, and also because Helen might be listening and she'll be like, what's in the becky business? And I get it. I want to know too. But before that, you don't, you do this

and you don't do like turkey sandwiches when you're hungry later in the evening? Or like... No, because we cook the right amount of turkey. It's not that hard.

Hold on, hold on. How many people have dinner at your house? I mean, it varies from year to year. So last year it was just us. But the, we've had 15 round before. Okay, because I was like,

are you telling me four of you finish the turkey? No. Well, we don't. get a whole, we buy according to our needs. What? We get, that's, this is why me and Sam shared bread is because between us

a loaf is just enough. Oh my God. I just realized. We buy the right size turkey for our family. But the value, first, two things. One, I'm realizing as we have this conversation, I'm from such a famine culture. I'm like, what? You've got to cook enough for the whole country in case they need it. Two, hold on a second. Also, like, I'm constantly

worried about scarcity. I forever have enough food to go in my house for like several months. But secondly, Oh, my fridge is literally, I think my fridge right now is three slices of salami left over in the packet, Nando's Peronais sauce, and a block of Wednesday layout. That is the entirety of my fridge right now. I'm sorry, but you have canned food, yes? No. Am I a prepper?

No, I don't. Am I a pre-what's happening? I think I'm way on the other end of the spectrum. Okay, that's insane. My freezer is full of pre-made dinners and breads and frozen options. Well, actually, there is an ice cream in our freeze. Oh, my goodness, I've got fish food at Ben and Joe's. fish food to get when I get. Behave yourself. That's not going to sustain you. That's insane.

But also as if you just got distracted by your own bed and juries. Hang on. I'm channeling Helen. So you don't have leftovers because a lot of people cook too much on Christmas Day. The point is to have leftovers. So you can make a turkey curry or a turkey in ham pie or so you can have sandwiches for the next three days. Like people love that. You don't love that? I mean, I don't. No, not really. I think we have had turkey leftover over the years. I'm just going picket it what gives them to the dog

as a tree it's you give your mother's cooked Christmas turkey to the dog I think you're

overestimating how emotionally attached my mother is to the turkey she doesn't care about the turkey

she doesn't even eat the turkey she's vegetarian what? Yeah she cooks meat for the lot

of you yeah yeah but when my aunt and uncle come around they are veggie as well so they

they work out a veggie dish this is mad this okay I've detracted for too long let's just

get into it what's in the picky bits and how many people are eating the picky bits. Okay, so me and my dad straight to the picky bits.

Yeah. Mom will probably fuss around bringing more stuff out. God, I relate so hard to this woman. She's great. She's a real trooper, I love her. Well, you would say that she's basically your maid.

Carry on. I live on my own now. Well, not my own. I live on my maid. He does a lot of the housework. It's quite bad. You don't think that reflects poorly on you? I mean, what it's the thing.

This is the story I used to describe what it's like living with Sam. Here we go. Can I predict what you're going to say as the person who's always more of the fair share of cleaning in her house. I just don't do it the way he does it and the way he likes it done. No, I wasn't going to say that.

He loves cleaning. I wasn't going to say that either. He's there more. That is true. But go on. I don't know. Like, what's your excuse? No, it's not an excuse.

So basically we had an amnesty where we're like, let's just have it out. you know, is there anything that either of us does that's annoying us? How long have you been living together? Three months. And this is like at the one month mark. We're like, let's just totally look at a month. You got to one month and you guys were already like,

we need an amnesty. Men are disgusting. How bad was it? It was fine. Okay. I think Sam said that sometimes I leave my dishes. And I said, I'm so sorry. What I normally do is I think I'll leave it because I've got to go out

and I think I'll do it when I get out. And then Sam does it. And I said, so I'm so sorry, just leave it next time and I will do it. and then he ended up apologising for doing my dishes. That's the kind of housemate he is. He's very lovely. Oh, he's incredible. But also, Andrew, you leave your dishes when you go out.

It takes two seconds. No, I'm running late. I'm normally always running. Plan better. Yeah, true. That's fair. Wow. Atrocious.

But I'm glad that he, and what was your complaint? He keeps the place too tidy and cute. No, probably his hair in the sinkhole. I don't know if I said that in the amnesty. Well, I hope he doesn't listen because he's always going to hear it here. He will listen. Wow.

Sorry, Sam, I'm on your side. To return to the goddamn picky bits. Sorry, yes, picky bits. So me and my dad definitely straight in for the picky bits. My uncle Steve probably falling asleep on the sofa at this point. Fuck Steve, he's not getting any picky bits. He's getting no picky bits. Not waking him to share my picky bits.

He wakes up exclusively for the Doctor Who special and then it'll go straight back out. It's impressive. I don't know how he does it. Steve doesn't sound like his hands are clean. You don't want him picking in the bits. I'm fine with you saying that because he's not going to listen to this. Great.

He's got... And an unsupportive man, too. It's got a belt phone holder It's got a brick phone and he keeps it in his phone holder I know who he is Yeah yeah I know who Steve I see Steve in my mind

That's incredible Did he like love his belt holder as well Does he always always wearing it He's always got like little pools coming up there Like a really low rent Batman It's yeah What else does he hold on it It's got his keys

No Like a mini spirit level Which is weird because he does no DIY around the house But also, sorry, what? Why would you an emergency need a spirit level? I don't know. I don't know. Okay.

Anyway, Steve with his spirit level is not getting any of these picky bits. That's insane. And also, of course he doesn't do DIY. It's such a like a useless man trait to have a fucking man belt of MacGyver equipment for no use at all. Okay, so picky bits. There's so many details. I won't because I don't want to make this episode just slagging off my uncle Steve, but there's some fascinating details I'll tell you later.

I mean, I think, write in if you have any questions about Steve at this point. Go on. We'll get them on there on the show. I'd love it. So Aunt Donna, who's Steve's, they're not actually married, but they're effectively married. Wow. Who became the Irish Catholic there? Aunt Donna, I mean, they're not technically married, but I suppose.

I mean, they've been together for like three, four decades. I'm not judging them, Andrew. Only you are. Oh, no, but I think Donna would like, no, just not get into it. Wow. Poor Donna! I love Donna. Is Donna awake for the piggy bits?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, she needs it, girl needs it. She's the one who's probably on handmost to help mom. Oh, the other woman. She, I get shooed out of the kitchen. Oh, the only other woman. I mean, when things are plated up, I'll carry them to the table. Oh, you carry it over.

You're such a good boy. Well done for doing the bare minimum. I'm just looking over at that producer desk like, oh, I could be there. I could be there. Okay, picky bits. Picky bits. Cheese batter, selection of cheeses. What cheeses we talk about it?

Um, brie, uh, goat's cheese, chunks of cheddar, red lester, lots of different, um, crackers to go with it. What kind of crackers are you talking? Butter with the cheese? Yeah, so a cracker, butter, bit of cheese. What are you talking about? Cracker butter, bit of cheese. People don't butter their crackers before they put cheese on.

We do. Not all cheese. Obviously it has a soft cheese and the soft cheese acts as a butter. But otherwise... You think the point of cheese is to act as a butter? Oh no, it's just because we dry. It's to combat the dryness, you know. Put a relish on, a chutney. Yeah, it's a good point.

There's pickle as out as well. But I'm not necessarily a fan of, I don't mind a cheese and pickle sandwich, but I don't like cheese and pickle. Get a tomato and tomato chutney or a tomato and chili chutney. Okay, we'll get a chutney this year. Fucking do it. Treat yourself.

Thank you. Yeah. It's lovely. It's a lovely. Oh, you say that. Wait till you have your platter with your tomato chutney. You're welcome. I tell you what,

this is my favorite time of year because of the McDonald's cheesy dippers. They have their festive cheesy dippers. They come with like a little salsa dip. Oh my God, they're so good. Andrew? Yeah. You just lost all credibility as a foodie. No, come with they.

They all so good. Honestly. I'm sorry. I was trying to accommodate for the buttercracker situation. Just tell us what else is in the picky bits because I assume the McDonald Bites are not in it. No, I wish they were.

You washed your mouth out and say sorry to your mother right now. Sorry, Mom. Thank you for the picky bits just as they are. Thank you for the picky bits just as they are. Yeah, as the person who doesn't do any work, I don't get to complain. As the person who doesn't do any work, I don't get to complain. to complain. Okay, now tell us the rest of the picky go.

Wow, mini pork pies, mini sausage rolls, slices of cold meat. There will be some leftover turkey sometimes. That's not happened every year, but... Oh, the dog's turkey goes in the piggy bits as well? No, well, no, because if there's like a few bits of turkey left, we'll put that in the dog's bowl. But if there's like several chunks of... I've never had this... I have had this experience before, but never on this such a sustained level.

of being like this is no more life right and then just like no I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so confused I'm like what the hell are you talking about it's nice to it's nice to know so any any fruit on the cheese butter like strawberries grapes apple no no no no no you said that like no no no don't be silly no no no that's disgusting there will be a tomato tomato chutney this year good good good any nuts no I'm not a big fan of nuts, I don't really like any nuts. Okay, what about everyone else, Andrew? What about Donna?

Does anyone ask Donna what she likes? I guess not, no, but I mean, yeah. Olives? No, I, I realize... Any olives? No, we never had olives, I don't think. I do like olives, though. Why don't you add some olives and tomato chutney to the picky bits this year as a big boy?

I've been a very... What I'm realising is I've been a very passive Christmas attender for the last 22 years. Yeah. Well, it's big boy time. Yeah. I want you to bring something to the picket, picket-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick-pick, please. Okay, okay, promise. For your mother's sake, what does your mom like? I bet she likes nuts.

Do you know what she likes? McDonald's cheesy dippers. Oh, fuck-all. No, she doesn't. She does. She does. They're great. And she's like... I can't with you. Okay, fine.

I can't. On. Why do we always introduce the guests on such a weird. It's terrible. It's terrible. We are going to introduce. Our wonderful guest this week, Abby Clark. Abby Clark. Helen's in this bit.

Hello! We just want to do a shout out to our amazing Patreon to say thank you so much for your ongoing support. It means so much. Thank you. For anyone who's not a part of our Patrions yet, like you're missing out. For example, this week you go. and get a full extra episode, including an amazing story of Andrew White in the Sex Clubs. Every week. Every week you get an extra episode.

Every week you get an extra episode. I just say this week is like, you need to hear it. It's a really good one. It's usually where we go a little bit further into things because we know our families aren't subscribed. And this is to say, please everyone join Patreon, but family members, keep it as it is. Have it not. Buy us nice gifts at birthdays and Christmas. But around it, this is not for you.

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Personal episodes, the whole thing. So shout out to Guy Goodman, Simon Moors and Janina Bautista. Thank you. I'm a super German there. Janina. probably yeah yeah nina yannina bouti star is kind of my dodge sign and to our incredible producers melissa dunkeld kerrig duke carrick sarah and molly aiden mcqueen katelyn lice joe hoes zoe zoe kymd kymie kynoskopf rachel what are you doing you were just punching the air every time

could i want to celebrate all of them lea myers cough r david walker tim and dom kira leech s d dubs L. Richard Bould, Sadie Cashmore, Neil Redmond, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Victoria Hutchson, Emma Walton, Anthony Conway, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke. Wow, thank you. You make the world a better place. God bless you. Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Isn't that crazy? Andrew, are we recording? Yeah. Oh, my. Okay, say something like... We have a guest in the studio, and you want me to look at your boobs? Yeah, but Abby's enjoying it too.

I have already looking at them. Go on, bounce your boobs. Oh, wow. Watch on YouTube to see the best thing of all time. That's like that basket of bouncy balls you got in Toys R. Yes. Oh my God, they're like... Yes.

Someone let the string go and they're just like... Yes. I sometimes look at my own breasts and think that's water. Like, that's a water bra. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm going to do this, and it's just going to go... Please. Welcome to the Toronto

All my brain just did them was she cannot date's Edward Scissorhands I'm like, what a disaster! Me and Renona look so similar I think I could. Can you please welcome Abby Clark to this podcast? Hi! Hi!

Hi! Welcome Abby Clark to the Trusty Hodge podcast, pandemonium. Thanks. Thanks. You know what? Your jumper matches your phone, matches your nails, matches your earrings, matches your ring.

I know. It's very intimidating how together I am. I'm nominal. It is intimidating. It is. Don't you find that frightening? But also, don't you think that if we did this, people would be like, oh. They're trying hard.

That's crazy that she's 74 years old. I didn't know that about her. But you look amazing. Thanks. Wait, you feel like you would look 74 if you all matched. I feel like there's a gorgeous age at which you can just be like, I'm just doing purple. And I think it's around 70.

Don't you think? No, I think you can like monochrome anytime. I can do that now? Have you not heard of lilac? Oh, my God. This is why I'm matching this to my labia. Are we not all Like my matching is a bit more

Like this is yours I mean this is very vaginal In a way I'm here for Mine is two tone This is Catherine's discharge You're matching Your pants at the end of the day It's incredibly rude of you to say that

My best friend's mom Betty Nit this jumper for me Yeah because Betty's also a discharge laugh How dare you She's a lady On my tag it says Made with Love by Betty Nitted with love

I can't see it but I trust it. Wait, all the way around, all the way around, all the way around. Oh, stop. Isn't she so cute? Nitted by Betty with love. Isn't that so cute? That is really cute. So don't you make it gross, you horrible woman. Well, but you always have to match something. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome, Abby. How are you? Fine? Yeah. Fine. Just fine. No. It's okay. I feel like it's a big burden. It's just like, it's just a day. Yeah. Just another day. Another day before. another. I totally got it. Nothing really to report. Are you excited for Christmas? Do you feel like you're trying to get, like, just get to it?

Are you not a Christmas gal? No, see, okay, so I am. Like, walk a Christmas tune on and I got very, very excited. Yeah. But, ever since I found out, the big man didn't exist. Oh, tell me about it. It's just not been the same. I am literally not having a chat with another

fully blown adult. I just, thank you. I'm sorry. I found out my parents were liars The trust is gone Is it because there's not like a paedophile coming into your room? Yeah Like it just made me feel special you know

Yeah Someone wanted me You gotta stop I just I think it's such a bizarre thing To want that To want a stranger to come into your house I believe in stranger danger so much I wanted the possibility

Of their not being a budget Yes Oh right So now you're aware. Whereas now I'm like, well, can't ask for a puppy this year. No, you don't actually, they're not expensive, is it? Yeah, but you can just get a really maindy puppy at a pound. Like, no stress for that.

One of those really fucked up ones. But like, now there's the guilt. I'm like, oh, Mom and Dad, haven't had a good year. Can't be a dick about it. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my, absolutely. But puppy-wise, you can get a super cheap one.

Like, if I ever got a dog, I want it to match my mental health, I want, like, a depressed, anxious puppy. So that we could, like, both throw through phases together. I am 100% certain that even if you got the most together dog a week of being with you and it would be incredible vagina rubbing itself against the cat. You know my housemate had to have a chat with me the other day

but he did it in front of like a group of us because he thinks I'm breaking. We call it Sophie, it's a sofa but we call it Sophie. And basically I'm because I'm just fun and cute and just like I'm actually totally well. I guess I'm kind of like random. Yeah. You're just like not like other girls.

Thank you so much. I noticed that about you. And then I sort of like, I'm not humping it. It's not like, you know, when you're at school and you're sort of like, you're on table corners and you're like listening to the teacher, but you're like, all right, Abby.

Yeah. You're like that. It just hits somewhere. And you're like, oh my God, Helen has currently wedged herself onto the corner of the table to hump it. I sort of, with Sophie. You're doing that to the sofa.

I sort of like, if I'm excited in the morning, I've had a bit of coffee, but like, I don't have anything to do for a bit, I just start like grabbing out of it. I think you and a dog would really get, I think. And then I guess it does present as humping. And he thinks I'm breaking Sophie.

But I'm not. So why were you? I don't know. It's like a stimulation thing. Are you breaking the sofa's frame or are you breaking her spirit? I'm not breaking anything to do with Sophie. But what are you stimulating? I don't know.

I don't know. There is something broken inside me which means that attacking Sophie feels natural. and then he decided to discuss it in a group setting and be like, yeah, she needs to buy a new Sophie because she's ruined Sophie. Sophie is a sofa. You can sit on it. You do, it seems.

And he thinks we should only sit on it. Whereas I think of it as a playground. You know, like, what's the name of things? But you think you should assault it. I think I see it as something to, like, jump on the back of and do cool little dance moves on. Like, very fresh there's there. No, I'm with Danielle.

So for me, it's so much more than that. And then my friend Carmen was staying and then she was like body rolling over it onto me for funsies. And he was just sitting there going like, no, Sophie. And then we were like, what's the name of the climbing frame in recess? Oh, yeah. Old rusty.

Yeah, old rusty. Old rusty. I see Sophie's as old Rusties. You want your sofa to be similar to an old rusted climbing frame. With King Bob on the top. It's funless. It is fun. You get it.

Does it dream home? Well, relaxation is bedrooms. The living room is the playground. You think honping to be in the living room. I'm sad about your bedroom, Howard. I know. I was like, why is it honping in the bedroom and relaxing in the living room? Pure peace.

In bedroom, complete stillness. Yeah, no humping. If I'm fucking, I'm doing it by the microwave. I'm not fucking fucking in my bed. That is for pure. That's peaceful. Just to be clear, I'm the laziest. sex person of all the time

that I just lie back, drink a glass of wine and let them eat. Like, I'm not doing any moves unnecessarily. I think that's more accurate female porn though. I think female porn is right. They're just like it's just normal porn, they're just slower. This is the thing, I want to relax and I want them just to... But real would just be

one, just one position. I'm just going to say something that people don't like. I don't watch porn. And this has always bothered me. As someone who completed porn when they were 18. Really? Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've done it three times since then. Completing porn is obviously when you type in something and it says no results. That's the only way to complete it. Can I know what you typed it? Because you've gone, I will text them to you later. They were very specific kinks.

But I fell too far down at a rabbit hallworm. But it's so interesting to me that you have such specific kinks that you broke porn hub. You broke it, I complained it. I didn't know you could get too specific. faithful porn have. Neither did I until it happened. But that you're simultaneously able to do that

and only like literally lie back when you're actually doing the fucking. I know, I know, because I'm my... Yeah, but these girls, they're very, like, well-trained. Active. You know, yeah. Active. And they're being paid. We're not. We hope they are fairly

and in, with reasonable working conditions. Unless they're doing it for exposure, in which case they're playing. Like this podcast. That's right there. I don't think that's the same effect. How often do you watch porn? We don't have to talk about this.

Not often. So I do like, I'd say I challenge myself like two imagination wanks. Like two sort of like, so I go through, an imagination replays. I love a replay wank when you're thinking of something that's already happened to you. Yes, I love a replay wank. And an imagination I'm on board with. Porn wank. And then every now and again, I just try like a challenge.

Like, so I have been turned on by different things over the years, famously, James McAvoy crying and start for 10. and I sometimes go like, can I wank to this? Let's give it a go. Oh, wow. Like a challenge wank. Like challenge Wannica, you know? But then doesn't that really, like, ruin things for you?

Because then, like, you're getting turned on by wit. This is why she completely. Yeah, this is it. This is it. She was like, I'm a trying. She was, jiggling James back at my crying. Challenge Wannica is when you're just sort of, like, constantly like, oh, that turned me on a bit.

Can I make this work for me? Wow. So for some people, this podcast would be a challenge, Wannica. So let's comment below. Are you those three years? At what time stamp you climax? Please don't. Please don't.

I really hope there's just one, two, that's commenting. I think that did it. It's not already a challenge. Within 10 seconds. Challenge Wannica complete. No, now you're making it harder. You're making it harder.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. I think it's like a weird relationship. shit with porn because you know that like I knew what my dad wank to when I was younger. Yes. And it's like something I've been working through. I'm talking about a bit on stage at the moment. I didn't think older people watch porn. This is

the thing. He wasn't. So I was aware of like, same as everyone like it's because like people brought magazines into schools and we were like chatting about it. We weren't watching like hardcore porn or anything like that. And then my dad who was the nicest man ever but like thick. You don't have to say that every time. You could just let him be nice.

Okay. He's just nice. He's just nice. Okay. I think he didn't know that porn existed either so he was just Google image searching but he also didn't understand the difference between minimise and cross-down who's a family computer? Listen to what he Googled.

The sweet man. He and I actually, I think I had, this is my taste in porn. I think it's similar. This is why I love him. I respect him so much because he was only, I wish. What the fuck do you think about me?

I want an anime wanting to die. I was like, this isn't going to be like one of those like Disney princesses. No, that's mine. Oh, God, no. You think I wanked to Disney princesses? Well, just the way you were like, this is, it's just so, I was, I just got Disney vibes, but I apologize. He is typing in Nigella Lawson Tits and Helen Mirren Tits, which is so beautiful, age appropriate.

Yeah. If you added in Gillian Anderson, like, that's my, like, but do their actual Google images of their tits. Bless him, I think he was just getting them in, like, dresses. of cleavage and one shot and he had a mirror in a bikini but maybe that was all he can get that in movement he doesn't even need still images of that he's not

like that jella puts it out on the wreck he's not well versed in internet searching but I just thought like oh my my heart that's so huge I know I know I think cute's the wrong word cute

he doesn't well so he's no bullshit you don't really believe I am legit but he's he's the person No, I think, because yours might be insane, it was before, they didn't go through the teenage boyhood of online. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think he is still surprised of all the things that exist out there

whenever it's come up in, he's like, there's what? People were more willing to work for the wank before, for sure. Yeah, yeah. So his was probably, yeah, just like celebrities or like, I don't know, like very basic. Yeah, like back of the day it was Jet from Gladiators and stuff, wasn't it? Like Saturday night, the kids are starting to fall asleep on the couch and you're like, maybe they won't notice.

Like, that sort of time. Like, do you remember that when, um, school trips when you were like 14, 15? Like, it's one of the challenges, kids. And you'd all be in, like, dorm beds on a school trip staying in a hostel or something. And, like, I'd be like 10 minutes after, like, everyone was falling asleep. And you'd hear the people who were, like, trying to sneak in, like, a really quiet wank. And you'd all be like... No, I didn't have that.

No, they're me neither. Me neither. And we didn't do that either. Did you go to an all-girls school? No! But we were like, we were like, I mean, they did different sex storms. When I had a teenager, it was like,

girls aren't allowed to watch porn. That's how I thought. We weren't watching porn, but it was just sort of like... Yeah, but even, like, just like, I was talking about this to my friend. Like, the sexual awakening, boys get to just like have it out of the open. They're just like, oh, yeah, we went to the tent.

Yeah. And like, girls have to do, like, secret. oh maybe we'll play this game a sleepover that's nothing to do with suddenly feeling hornet like you don't even understand it but now we've covered something that's really difficult for me because like I understand that rule now

but as a 13 year old I was like we're all the same so I was chatting really openly about it but other people not like they were denying it they were like we don't wank and then I remember being like 18 and like one of my best friends was like just you know I was doing I just didn't want to say anything And I was like, where the fuck were you?

I thought I was like, I had a body that had a button that no one else had. Whereas in my school, just no one spoke about it. Like, it was... Yeah, well, Irish. Come on, baby. Yeah, but, like, I think you're so right. I think, like, it's still completely suppressed. I think it's getting better.

I think so, yeah. But then... But it is still so, like, yeah. Like, you have, like, American pie. Like, boys, wanking and watching porn is so normal. Ruining perfectly good dessert. Whereas, like, yeah. Whereas girls is still a bit like, oh.

She's a bit kinky. Yeah, it does feel like it's a kinky thing, isn't it? Instead of it being just a general thing. Yeah, yeah. You want to know her, Helen, uh, broke the internet. What did you put in? Yeah. I don't want to say.

What did you put in? I just feel like that's just like one thing. I just think I should just keep it. I remember I did a would you rather at school. I was like, would you rather do something awful? Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, or like, um, rub yourself against like a mattress or something. And I was like, it was like, it was just my secret.

way to be like... Are you all rubbing yourself? Is everybody... We're not doing that, right? And they were like, oh my god, obviously like kill a mat. They like were like... What? And then I was like, oh my god, no.

Wait, were you a mattress girl? Yeah, so I discovered it in the plank. I like to brag. I like to brag. Wait, when you were planking, that internet phenomenal. I flanked. I'm like... I just don't want you to know that I do like Jim.

This is so pleasing for me. so pleasing for me. Yeah, I plank, and I came down from plank, like, just a little bit back, and then it was just like, what was that? And so then, yeah, it started on just like, that. I'm sorry, are you actually- You're inspirational?

I mean, yes, but also, like, is that the bar? The vibration machine in the gym, sit on that. That's great. I love how you're getting your pleasure whilst working out. Like, this is incredible. You gotta make it worth it, you know? Did you ever go through, like, the shower hand phase? No, so I watched 40-year-old Virgin, the movie,

and she does that in that, right? I mean, I can't remember. I mean, I don't know it worked on word. It was very awkward. I was watching it on my little DVD player, you know, when it, like, folded out. Oh, when it was just the DVD in it. So good.

And I was in the car. My dad was driving. And I was like, it's Steve Correll. I love Steve Carrell. My dad was Steve Carrell. So I'm going to watch this film. And it got, like, sex quite, so I'll coat over. I was like, next to see.

I was like, what, Jay? Sorry. You made it more creepy. Sorry, you made yourself a little wank tent in your dad's heart. I was not wanking at Steve Coral being a four-year-old badge. But you were watching... I was just ashamed. I think it was evolving.

But I was ashamed that, like, there was any naked images of any sort. I was like, this film is too adult for me. What did he think when you... I was 22, but... What did he think when you put a coat over yourself in the passenger seat? I don't know. That's probably something appropriate. Maybe she's just having a nap.

I don't know. But yeah, but in that, In that film, she gets like the shower head out and she does that little thing and I was like, what? Severely disappointed. This thing, I think it depends on the person. I have met several shower heads I like.

I have also met several that don't understand me. Yeah. And it is, it's a pressure thing as well as a nozzle shape. I wonder if you get shower head to do the alphabet. Would that make any difference? Could you imagine? Could you imagine? That's so it can disappoint you the way every boyfriend has a boy.

Oh my. I think that's a myth. You think the alphabet works. It doesn't. You know the sign that people used to draw for skateboarding where you did three lines, three lines, and did the S, the skateboard Avila V and S. That.

Oh. No. No, because... Bill Clit is the top of the S. Where does the lower lines go? But they do it like without breaks. They're just like... Uh-uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Helen, why does it always have to be some weird morse code with you? Why couldn't they just see? what you're enjoying and then do that. Did you see that? Could we get a close off and Abby just coming then when I was doing it? I wheezed. But the asthma came in. And that's when you know she's having a good time.

I mean, Abby can't have an asthma attack. More porn stars with asthma place. Right? A bit more realism. Honestly. That would be amazing. Was that one of the things you typed in? Asmatic.

No, because that's got a lot of results. I feel like they just call a breastplay, surely, surely. I have watched some of those videos. No, do. But there's, like, there's some fun ones, which is, like, a bit of light choking. I'm very chill. And then there's this whole side of breath play where they're, like, in vacuum bags. And you're just watching someone.

It's like, you're going to die. This isn't fun. This isn't fun. But how can they have any kind of sex if it's sealed? This is, okay. You're an airtight. You're an airtight. Like the, like, the, like, image.

I haven't. I don't know where they're putting what were. She's working off a thumbnail, Labby, but she'll do her best to explain. But I would be happy to be used for five minutes to do my research. No. I want to answer the question.

Maybe that's the thing we could all Google in our own time. I won't do that. Or just send us DM. No, don't. Send it to Helen. I don't want any part of that. No, thanks. Send me, oh my God, I got a DM from a guy the other day.

That was just the photo. which we all know means dick pick and you're like oh I can't do it I can't do it and then like so I just ignored it and then later on the day some other message requests so I was like I tweeted on them

just to check I wasn't missing like someone like a friend or something blah blah blah and I accidentally clicked on it without thinking and it was like oh no and it was just a sweet man sending me a picture of trains with Pokemon on them

I feel it every time mine is so regularly just dogs what just people send me pictures of their dogs and I'm like I'm thinking of these people of these people are wrong. Yeah.

It's hard not to make this one. A bit of text. But then I also know saying that means that I was going to send you a dick being like, it's a train. Yeah. It's a train. It's a train.

Yeah. That's what you're like, right? Yeah. And it's like, yeah. Huh. I don't. It's a train. Do you get a lot of train spotters?

No, I just. Just do train. That's a nightmare. I thought you said. A train with Pokemon on. A trainer. A trainer. Oh, you hit this makes more sense then.

Oh, I thought you said a train. No, a trainer. I was just like, hell of a train. You got a train as Pokemon on it. Well, what can an adult care of their Pokemon? Like, I don't know. He took a photo. It was clearly.

No. The Pikachu. The Pikachu. The Pikachu. Thank you. Thank you. Andy just earned his second standing ovation of the podcast. It is, yeah.

Oh, Andrew, I'm so happy for you. That was amazing. Can we get that, like, on a t-shirt, please? The Pikachu, too. We need to do merch, actually. We're not doing Pikachu as merch. Could you imagine it with me and, like, six autistic men just walking around, being like, yeah, high-fiving.

I could send it to my Pokemon group and also the teenage Japanese boys they raid with in Hiroshima at 3 in the morning. They do all love one. It'd be amazing. Are you from a Pokemon? Yeah, I'm a legacy player. Oh, Abby, please don't start. Oh my god, you and my brother would really go on.

He's a Pokemon podcast. How old is he? Wait, he's got a Pokemon podcast. He reached an age, but beyond me knowing it. If you could tell me what the podcast is called, I really appreciate it. It's called Critical Ditto. And it's a Pokemon Tabletop Improft podcast where that's as far as I can go. I'm literally subscribing right now.

That's insane. How old is he? I think he's 30 Oh my It's not Yeah but he actually isn't Oh no that's weird for me To say my own brother's fit

But No I can't confirm Sto is And so he pulls it off Somehow I've literally subscribed And I'm giving it five stars immediately Are you saying that if Helen was fitter

It would be fine Yeah I think it is fine Helen pulls it off I'm one of the more attractive Pokemon Go players I have you know I think if I went to a convention

I just threw like the toys on your own sketched I would be, like, a fitter one there. It's like when I go visit my dad on that Marina he lives in with all the divorced men, like, usually when I'm there within like a mile radius, I am the most attractive thing and it feels amazing. Like, it's just nice.

Yeah. And it's just like men in their 70s, like, and I'm like, hello. John. Good to see you guys again. Are we all going Cafe Roo? Don't mind. Cafe Rooge.

It's such a divorced dance spot. But they all go there because they can't cook because their wives did it and then they left them. So they all go to Cafe Rude and have these deals. It's really, if it wasn't so funny, it'd be so sad. They're not mutually exclusive. It can be both. I love a Cafe Ruge, though.

Listen, I believe you. I think Cafe Ruge is all right. I've never been. Oh, you don't, you're not French. You don't love it. Parley Vu, Francais. Oh, where do you get your freight from? What is free?

Oh, wow. That's that chips. Yeah, I was like, what an English girl you are. The level of education in bristler is fucking shocking. You just hang out by the canal. What would be your go-to chain restaurant, though? Bella Italian. Oh, she's a classy girl.

That's not a bad choice. That is fun because they've got all the classic Italian dishes as well as burgers. My boyfriend has only ever taken me on one day ever. Obviously, what? Yeah. And it was because I made him. because it was one of those where you're like friends

it's up for debate but it's like when you're like friends and then you because so you just like hang out lots anyway so you never really do the first date and eventually I was like look like I want to go on

like a proper and he's a comedian as well so you just hang out on gig and I want to do a proper date I was like let's organise a date and he chose Bella Italia Who the fuck is this man and he was a slut Sliders, but he had, you're not going to talk about that.

Like the band kind of slides, like, the kind of you're wearing a shower to, like, avoid getting a rom-car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like in orange is a knee black which is like, un-labeled. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's on day release from a hundred, which is, yeah. Um, no, because at least those would be clean. And then, but this is the thing, this is I love going to my friends being like, isn't he shit, even though I love him?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went to my friends. I went to my friends, and I was like, oh. Oh my God, you know, like we had this first day. And I was like, he took me to Bella Italia. And they just went, oh, that's so nice. You love Bella Italia. And I was like, guys, no, you know me too well.

I think what I like for Bella Italia is a choice as well. It's like, do you remember when you first went on dates with guys who would like inevitably go see for like five days at school and then you'd break up? But their mum was excited about them having a girlfriend. And like, for us it was Ask, which I think is our hometown's version in the Bella Italians, if we didn't have one. I'd say that's more at market than Bell.

I think it is a bit more at market. But it's that's something like, you're paying like 10 pounds each for your main and your Coke. Yeah. Like that's the vibe of the meal. And I fucking love it because it's such a teenage date place. I feel like that. I feel like Pizza Express as well.

I used to love Pizza Express. It's still so good. No, it's gone downhill. No, I'm so sick of people saying this. Is this because you're like factoring in the, I'm sick of people saying it, Andrew. I am. I have a theory.

I think they've changed the pizza sauce. No, they haven't. All that's happened is that people have changed who've gone there now because now they've got that diet menu where they take out half the pizza and fill it with salads. If you order that, yeah, we're done. But the thing is, that's not Pizza Express as fault. They are offering more options.

They still have the classics. You don't have to order it. No, but I ordered the classic. Yeah. And it didn't taste the same as it used to. Your taste bugged change. Also, why would they start with the recipe that's been working for thousands of years? Also, I watched them make that chocolate fudge cake.

And they scoons of years. They scooped it. Right up, Bay Crocker. Yeah. We all know it's Petit Crocker. Everyone knows that. Meg's Jobs and told me when we were 15 years old. Okay.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm getting pissed off. I can read it. Why would Pizza Express change the marinera sauce? Why? It doesn't make sense. I feel like this is a bad time to pull you up on this. But did you say change the recipe that's worked for thousands of years?

Look me in the eye. The Roman Empire and Bell at her. And tell me that the Last Supper did not look like the party room at Pizza express in working them. Look me in the eye and tell me that. I can't. I can't do that. There's a reason the plate is 12 dobles, Andrew. Thank you. This is a smart

cookie. I fucking love that. Okay, while we are finally all on the same page, can we please? Literally just calming down. And also before I have to hear any more about frankly, this unacceptable treatment by your boyfriend. Let's hear from a listener, please, Andrew, and see if we

can help them. Yeah, this is an interesting one. Okay. Oh, God, that's... She's never said that right work. Helen. Helen. Helen. Let's have a quick apology and then carry on.

No, no, no. Before that, Helen, look at me. No, let's have an apology. No, I want you to look at me, Helen. Helen, look at me. Look at me. Abby Clark is doing what we all need to do as young women. She is dating a comedian, which means her life is already hard enough.

She does not need you laying on this energy when she is here for some reprieve. Helen, I already lowered my standards once. Don't make me low-inch Pete's Express as well. If she, this, Pizza Express has done nothing wrong here and I'm trying to help you, but you need to, you need to help yourself. They change their pizza sauce! You need to help you.

She's crying now. Are you happy? A little bit, a little bit. She's crying now. Andrew Abbey is raising her voice at me. Yeah, it's actually crazy. I've never seen that before. I don't feel safe. I feel, no, I'm just going to say it now.

I feel like. You're fake crying. I'm literally not even fake crying. I have been attacked. I feel like, Being the bigger person, if I just give you my address after this, you send, like, four sloppy Giuseppe's a week until Easter, 22. Then let's see where we stand. Abby, who's doing this podcast for free, should send you four pizzas a week until...

I'm opening the discussion. I feel like we didn't need to repeat that. I will buy you one. Slopi just that thing. From Teske on the Pizza Express. Deal. Oh my. Wasn't even fuss.

They definitely changed her recipe. It does taste sweeter. Next. How is this poor woman ended up paying you? You did you're a partner. You did shake hands up. So that is binding. Probably contagious because it's Helen, so maybe wash those.

I cut it because I believe in Blood Brothers. Tell me it's no love Say I'm only Musical theatre Yeah Oh my Say it's just the end Let's do a problem

And then you want to go see Mother Mia party together My dad was in the original of Mama Me Yeah he's on the soundtrack It's really cool Her brother is in another show He's in cabaret with Eddie Redmay right now My whole family of musical theatre artist He's playing in an artist

Do you not know this? He is Number one, amazing. Thank you. Right, I know we've got to have a little problem. Would you be willing to come back on next year and do a musical theatre episode? Yeah.

Okay, amazing. Let's do the problem and then let's get into it next year. I'm the only family member in my family not to be nominated for an Olivia, so it feels good. Are you joking? No, actually, I have a sister. We keep her in the basement. Good.

Wow. But, yeah, brother, mum and dad all nominated. My mum and dad were nominated the same year. Only dad won. I'm head under the table for the evening and we've never quite made fast it. Well, it's pretty embarrassing, isn't it? Imagine not winning your Olivier.

What is going on? I hate when we find that stuff like this late. I know, it's great. Let's solve this fucking problem, but it better be about musical theatre I'm going to kick off. Oh, yeah. You're from a legacy family.

I'm afraid it's not about musical theatre, but if you have a musical theatre problem, email trusty hogs at gmail.com And any other problem indeed. Done, Andrew. Thank you very much. He's such a good voice for it. He's so fucking perfect.

Or if you care enough about a musical theatre that you have a musical theatre problem, maybe seek medical help. Let's go. When both are you depressed, let's not like, okay. So, for context, this is from a cis bisexual woman in a relationship with a cis straight man. Siss bisexual woman in a relationship with a cis straight man. Thank you for the content. They've been together for nearly three years, loves into pieces, but the only problem is he won't let me touch his bum. Now, I don't want to go into bum things.

He's made it very clear that he's not into that. But I still think the bum is very sexy and I want to touch it. Just grab a little squeeze. He's ticklish from the waist down and I feel like I need to hold back when we're getting a bit touchy-feely with each other. This might make me sound like a big deal,

but it makes me feel really sad. I don't think he's opposed to the idea of me touching his bum, but he just tensed up if I go near it. And most importantly, I want it to be comfortable. So should I let this go or try and pursue his bottom? Thank you, Jay. How is this not a musical theatre problem? What part of that didn't scream youthful theater to you?

This is very Book of Mormon, I think. This is the, this is the poor book of Mormon. Turn it off. Like a light bulb. Just a bit. Okay. Now, someone's got to clarify for me exactly what touching the bum is. Are we talking about just touching a bum?

Are we talking about the... No, she said she's... The curtains or the window. I think we mean the cheeks. I think she's been very clear that he doesn't want ass play and she's respectful of that. However, she finds his bum sexy and would like to touch it, but he is ticklish.

He is ticklish and he tenses up, but she is sad about not getting access to his boss. Okay, so how do we feel about drugging said partner? Not good. To the point of unconsciousness. Nope, not. Helen, that's just a definite note. Oh, I'm going to cut my microphone again?

Yeah, it's happened again. Your microphone's off, Helen. Okay, there's 30 seconds this time, though. Yeah, there's got to be consequences. Abby, what are your thoughts? I don't know. I mean, that's a big bit of the body to cut off.

Like, does it start at waste as well? Like, can I get back in? The thing is, if someone doesn't like being touched somewhere, there's not much you can do. I know that it's a big thing for you that you want to be involved in that. You want to celebrate your body because you love them so much.

You want to celebrate it. You want to celebrate all of it. But if they feel uncomfortable being touched there, it's annoying and it's tricky, but it's what they feel comfortable with is their boundary. However, what about numbing cream? Numb and cream. Numb and cream and distraction techniques.

Interesting. Okay? Give them, like, you know, like a cat? And you're like doing that, but you're like shoving pills up their rectum? I think it's twofold. Bit of cheese. Bit of cheese.

Hadarily dunk her. Cheese up top, numbing cream down bottom. Cheese string and grabby, grabby. Okay, so those are options. Here's what I think. and also doubles us whip. You feel just the little lens. There's another...

She's a sexy, sexy girl. That's one option. I think the other option that doesn't involve numbing anything or removing his agency or distracting hypnosis. Weird. Hypnosis is also valid.

Also valid. Here's my thoughts on this if you don't mind. I think one, it's very disappointing but I think obviously, obviously it goes out saying his boundaries are his boundaries and you shouldn't keep pursuing something

if he has told you no. However, as a partner, if my partner said, I don't want you to go near my bottom at all, I would have questions about that. And I guess my questions are like, first of all, is there a lack of trust? Does he think that if you...

It might be the ticklish thing and if it is, not a lot you can do about that. But if there's another factor where it's like he said no to ask play so is worried that you will try it anyway, that is a conversation that maybe needs to be reasserted and reaffirmed to him that you wouldn't breach that boundary for want of a better phrase. But also, if he's so fearful of that,

that it is inhibiting being touched and maybe enjoying just like being enjoyed in ways that are beyond what he doesn't want, then maybe it's like, maybe it's a hang up that does need to be unpicked a little bit, but I don't know if you can unpack it for him. Could you get one of those like spankses and like, Get them to wear a pair of spanks and then just shove like Smarties or something in it to make like a big bum and then you just play with that. What consistency is your bum? Yeah.

Yeah. You know drag queens just use padding. Yeah. I just think it'd be more fun to like. You're really into food in the bedroom, aren't you? Yeah. And I don't think I wanted to melt with chocolate enough out of the bomb. I haven't had any other colour to have by your butt.

I haven't eaten for a while because I had a big portion of pesto tortellini for breakfast. Yeah, obviously. Classic breakfast. Yeah, sure. It was a nice start of the day. And I just think I'm hungry. And then you're playing with something essentially is their bum, but not their bum. I think you got to, like, when was the last time he said, like, bum is a new area?

I think these things you get, you check in continuously and you like communicate. I understand what I'm saying as women, we are saying, if we say no ask again we may have changed our mind we may have changed our mind this is the thing this is the thing with whores we're flippin

no and also you might ask us one time and we forget we said no because we're fucking dumb sluts am I right babe we are such dumb sluts Helen we as women are not saying that always ask again if we don't say no

clearly enough technically green light No, obviously Not green light, Helen, just ask again I'm just saying I feel like you're the same as me In year eight I asked that the same boy like eight times And he kept saying no

And I was like next time though Yeah You know and they're like I'm just not in the place to be in a relationship right now I'm like See you in two months, babe No, two months Yeah no that's better

Ha ha ha ha ha ha two months Two months, two months But he hasn't at any point Just to be Come on let's help this poor lady I don't think he said at any point that I don't want it now Like, he's been very clear, so you have to say no.

The only thing, question I think you get to ask is, do you want to unpack why? And if it's physiological, then, okay, it's tickly nothing that you can do about it. If it's like, and I imagine this bi-woman is like, is this some sort of internalized homophobia? Yeah, yeah. Or is this, like, internalized body shame? Like, is this internalized misogyny?

What's going on? I think those are reasonable questions. But also, if he doesn't want to unpack that, there's nothing you can do. No. And, like, and you don't really. Like, you definitely don't get to do it or, like, keep pushing it if he doesn't want to do it. And despite what both Helen and Abby have said.

Sorry, he's not. Sorry, I was trying to do some happen in that accident. Andrew? Who's that guy? Oh, my God, what did it say? It was a picture of a boy. Andrew, would have that by hand? Just to be clear, to explain to the listener,

we are trying to do a serious podcast. and Andrew, who's apparently doing his admin whilst he texts this. He put a fast travel. I accidentally flashed up a picture of a boy, which is what he was looking for on the television mind. Completely nude. Completely nude.

Completely nude. Andrew's like, I thought it was a train with Pokemon on. What are you doing, Andrew? I went to open Google Chrome to get the Google Drive ready so I could put all the files up. Sure, sure. Sure. Sure.

Sure. that spins in front of me. Sure. Andrew, this doesn't answer. Who was that? So you just flashed up a nude? It was not, it's not mine. Was it a penis, Andrew?

No, no, wasn't that. If it was, I'd like to see it. Okay, well, we're going to have to cut that out of the podcast. He was funny, he was funny, he was being mean. But who wasn't? Who wasn't, Andrew? Just go on, just show us, just for fun. It was from earlier to roast.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, good, I thought maybe we'd like, lucky ghost. the number three or something. It was my neighbour's friend who's having a... My neighbour is organising a stag do so he sent us horrible pictures of his friend and clothes that are unacceptable and had

Helen and I roast him and they're going to play that at the stag do because I don't know men are as mean as you think they are and we are happy to facilitate that. Does that answer your question? Thank you very much for hiding into us. I think we did a great... Can I just say one thing? No, it's rare

and we never do this but given that he's the man in the room. Should we maybe ask Andrew's opinion? I think we should ask Andrew. Oh, my God, I had not thought about that. That is awful. I am so sorry, Andrew. I mean, well, obviously I come from quite a bit, perhaps a sexually liberal point

of view. We all do, Andrew. No, no, but I mean like... Wow, shady. I'm a massive prude. I'm not saying that, but I mean, like... I fucking wanked Gordon Brown. I mean, I just mean, like, yeah, I'm a man, but I don't think this is going to be

the same perspective as this guy is coming from. Well, you don't know. We don't know. Yeah, okay. I think the unpacking is probably the best option. Just asking, why do you not want to do this? And I, I don't know. I personally would be flattered. And I know a lot of my straight male friends who would be very flattered that this person thinks they have a sexy bum. So I, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it's either very, very personal in terms of like physiological or it is deep rooted. But also we don't know that like there's one expression of it where he could be very flattered or like, but I say if Helen was obsessed with your ass and you said no, no, no, no.

It does depend on, this cis-spywoman might be like show me your ass in a way that's very intimidating. It doesn't sound like that. It sounds like no, it doesn't. It doesn't. I think what we're saying is Andrew and I agree, Catherine, you're wrong that you can't just force someone to do something you don't want. And we should just unpack it.

I hope that answer the question. Thank you, Abby, for that insight. That was brilliant. The smartest thing really inappropriate. Be more respectful of people who are writing in. Andrew, I agree. We're on the same page and I'm glad I asked for your opinion. Thank you so much for writing in.

And thank you for listening to Trustee Hoggs. Are you finishing the podcast? With Abby Clark. Was that the only advice you gave? Because it was bad. It was bad. With Abby Clark. Thank you, Abby Clark.

Oh, Abby Clark again. Abby, where can people find you? Abby Clark comedy on all, on all socials, I think, yeah. But seriously, go follow Abby if you don't already. She makes the most amazing videos. She's so, so funny. So funny. And also a up-and-coming stand-up superstar.

Yeah, go see her shows. Yes, please. Do you have a website? No. Cool, because you're a young person. Yeah, website's so like so last century. Thanks for much coming on. Have a good rest of your life.

Bye! Bye! It hurts my feelings, but I know she's right. Yeah. Thank you.