Trusty Hogs - Ep144. HARRIET KEMSLEY / Fingers, Ferries & Fighting Fish

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

A one time co-host and first time guest, we had a brilliant chat with our dear friend, the ferry-missing, pub-fight-instigating, fantastically funny HARRIET KEMSLEY...FOLLOW HARRIET: @HarrietKemsleyTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'Reilly / LilyPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Nathan Smith / Amanda McCall / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah JWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Hogs. I'll be playing my show, my tour show, in the biggest room I've ever done, played the Bloomsbury Theatre in London on the 10th of October. It's a Thursday. So who needs a Friday to go well at work? Would you come, please? It's a big old room. I have a lot of tickets to sell on it. Absolutely love to see you there. So it's Thursday the 10th of October. My show is called Again with Feelings. It's in London's Bloomsbury Theatre. And it's selling fast, but it could sell faster. Is today I won't... Helen. Helen, why is it? your brow on the table? I just thought for like a new decoration for today. No. Really no?

Really no. Really no. I love you so much but like that's a no. Do you know what I mean? No, I know you've done this trick before you put your whole head in the cup. Very good. Well done.

You look every single time to me like a sort of 20th century airplane builder like one of the first flights. Oh like Amelia Earhart? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I look for anyone who's not watching YouTube, I'm six foot one.

I'm a big lass. I've got highlighted blonde hair and I'm wearing a bright pink bra from Curvy Kaye on my head. And apparently I look just like Amelia Earhart. Welcome to trusty hog. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give me your problems and they will solve them.

Or maybe they won't. And that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Oh, I thought it'd be fun.

Hi. No, listen, good to try things. It's so important to try things. Just a quick disclaimer before we start this episode. Oh, gosh. Really, we just had lunch. Is that a disclaimer? Are you going to say? I'm going to be getting high again.

Oh, no, for God's sake, CBD fizzy drinks do not make you high. This one might. Well, okay, I will also say I just took my medication for my antibiotics and they make me feel incredibly nauseous and incredibly sleepy, so let's watch that in that. Which is exactly how I get when I have never tried weed. So, who hasn't tried weed in this? It's just not my drug. I've tried it twice and both times I threw up and felt paranoid and I felt horrible. And I'm with you.

it's a no from me i'm going to get you around mine i'm going to give you gummies i'm not going to tell you you're spiking that's a crime you not in my own house it's not a crime it's just a it definitely is a crime it's a poor friendship move no that's a crime we're going to pop on um gladiator and have i love gladiator i can't wait to see gladiator too you know the tickets still aren't out for imax but i'm like thinking of setting up a reminder because i want to see it at the bf i do you want to come yeah those rippling muscles yeah I actually do I'm going with some of the guys oh my god Helen Ellen's calling me on the podcast should I answer yeah 100% ask her why she hasn't responded hi babe you're on air and well you're

not on speaker phone but I'm on air and Helen wants to know why you haven't text her back she hasn't texted back because she's um excited and nervous about the offer that's not a no helen okay okay does she does she want to have like a private phone call about it without Catherine? Does she want to have a private phone call about it without me like between you and Helen? Okay. Yeah great. She said yeah that'd be really nice or you can email. Oh great. Does she want to go to like bitch please or something? She wants to know if you want to go to Butch please. I think she wants to fuck. Do you want to go to like a queer night and just like have a little meeting? Do you want to go to a queer night and have a little she's just come out as queer. Do you know this?

Does she not know? Hang on one second. I have put you on speaker. What do you say? Hey, Helen, I knew it when I saw that Bob. No. The Bob was the... That's very funny, babe. Trade roll. Excuse me, my love. Have you broken your finger?

This is escalated. From just the start of the phone call to this. Good. Her dad is a GP and told her to go to the A&A because she got a footballing injury yesterday. No. And we cannot be taking risk with broken fingers in a lesbian household. Tell her to get a big fun drink before she puts her name down at A&N. because you cannot leave

because they can call you out at any point. Always get your frappuccino first. Come here to me now. Helen said that you need to go and get a big fun drink before you put your name down at A&E because you can't leave thereafter so you're going to want to go get your fropitino beforehand. Because they know, they know when you leave to call your name.

Because they know to call your name when you leave, she said. Yeah. And snacks, tell her about snacks. Babe, that doesn't make any sense. She has been told by the woman on 1-1-1 not to eat anything, but just taking yourself for a full lunch before an A&E. Don't do that then. That's fine.

You don't need to go under to reset a finger. Also, you don't reset a finger. You just go, yep, you're going to have a crooked finger. Do you know? Ella. In case, yeah, Ellen basically doesn't believe women, so she's not going to do it. I wouldn't believe a woman on the phone. Absolutely not.

Probably just bloody gossiping. Yeah. She didn't know why, then you're fine. Ellen I feel like they're on a carrying up happening I feel like they're on a train and we're listening in

no but okay can I tell you what just happened Ellen said that she said she said you just say I can't eat anything and she said yeah I don't really know why and then Ellen said but I'm really hungry and she said okay go on and have a little sandwich dinner something bless you okay that doesn't really feel very important

babe why are you calling my love because I am at work and recording oh you're going to hospital on your own I'll come, I'll go You do the episode by yourself, I'll go Helen's going to come and meet you and I'm going to do the episode by myself

I'm genuinely so sorry that you're going to the hospital by yourself Do you want to go? Will you? No, will you? Helen is offering that I can leave and go meet you there Do you want me to? I mean, for a finger feels a bit drastic. You've brought three bucks.

Okay, come on now, for one finger. How long do you think you're going to be in there, but? No, she's fine. Okay. Okay, people don't wait that long. We've got a Labour government. well listen okay i'm really sorry you're going in can't come to effect that quickly katherine no i know you both have the same thing at the same time um my sweet we are sending you love and sympathy

i don't know how did the finger get broken she was in goal and he got whacked by football one second one second i'm putting her on speaker oh no she wants to say something owie go on it was a save it was a save no it was a save everyone very important stuff i well listen keep us posted okay I love you let me know how you get on I'd say get a twig and a couple of plasters you'd be fine darling

I love you sorry about that she says bye girls what about Andrew you're including him in girls you may that's so sweet alright I love you best look good luck get a drink first

keep me posted big drink all right oh and don't stare anyone in A&E they get funny love you bye lots of love by I'm going to go now three books for A&E she panicked she was like well people wait a long time don't they and i was like you can particularly

when it's something like not saying it's not awful no of course but you are not top priority no it's true because your thingy hurts it's so true oh bless her when was that like yesterday yeah was she jordan pickford or well no because it was a save oh katherine that was so unkind he did amazing. Yeah he did apart from that one that's so mean take it back. I do take it back you're just hurting because your girlfriend's hurting

yeah that's so true sympathy pain also like if her fingers aren't working what the fuck are you going to do her? Truly she messaged me yesterday was like I think I've broken my finger I called her immediate and she's like oh no actually it's just sore and I was like you cannot be saying things like that to me to your I'm your lesbian girlfriend she's like I know you're my lesbian girlfriend I was like for God it could be fun though because you'd feel like it's like a new person

in the mix you know what's that you're like a new hand new fingers like It has swollen up a lot, so... Hello! Do you want Chubby Did It? Or was it just happy to see me? Who knows? Is that more fun? I don't want to do this one.

No, no, I don't want to do it either. Sorry, can we just do a really classy episode of Trusty Hogg? Yeah, please. We've got the brilliant Harriet Kemsley coming in. Hello and welcome to episode 144 of Trusty Hoggs. We're in our classy era. How the hell are you? we hope you're well

we're going to tell you about our perfect lives but not in a gauche way and then we're going to solve your problems tastefully with dignity and respect can I ask a question when did the classy era begin you just said can we be classy

oh right yeah but I was like but we're not actually in a classy era are we no I was following your instruction I was fuck for that because I was about to say like I've got... Sometimes when we have a conversation I'm like it's like a tenant you know like you say a thing and then I say a thing and then you say a thing

no I just I forget what I say immediately when I've said it sometimes so I don't yeah oh dear oh dear this is going to be a bad episode a horrible episode oh we've got a horrible episode on our hands

stay tuned you just tell me what you've been up to what have you been reading what have you been watching what have you been drinking I read I'm glad my mom died I read so you've been publicly shamed loved it and those are the two books

that I've been reading at the moment I've been listening to a lot of news agents obviously I've been listening to sports agents of late I've really got into the sports agency is a podcast it's not the man at the corner shop I was about to say I was like that's such a rogue choice yeah I just stand outside and have a listen in

don't buy anything just ear to the ground 10 B and H no but I do they don't sell tens anymore Helen let's day they haven't since like for years I'm the worst Didn't they ban it on the EU What selling 10 cigarettes?

Yeah because it's like more appealing to kids Oh right Banned Am I wrong Yes yeah yeah Is there bloody bureaucrats in Brussels I feel like this ages But before I smoked

I used to be sent by a former boss of mine To buy her cigarettes when I was at school Jesus That was like she couldn't leave the building But I was just like a receptionist So I could That's crazy And she'd be like can you go across the road

and get those to me but because I was like 16 I thought it was the coolest thing yeah of course so glamorous when I started college like I'd take a bus to college instead of like

walk to school like I did before that and it already felt so grown up like commuting to college and then I stepped but I worked three days a week as well and I took the bus back from Farnborough

to flee and I'd get off it and I'd get her as Starbucks to take in to work with me oh my god the glamour so mature and at this age like to get her to get someone of Starbucks in the way and I'd be like fuck that noise I know I was like

fuck that company I know but at that age I would like walk in and like Starbucks when I open a fleet was like I think it's happened to every town the coolest hangar place oh my god when we got one in Blanchardustown I lost my fucking mind everyone had to be in Starbucks sure the time the time the Dunkin' Donuts opened in Blanchetown which was only like in the last five years there was a queue down the road for it was a drive-through for absolutely hours yeah stop it I would love a Dunkin' Donuts in Fleet. Yeah. But like the, there's like something about coffee shop culture

and I swear it's all down to friends. Yeah. It's like the idea of hanging out in it, but immediately in Fleet, the cool girls in my year got jobs in Starbucks and it already, and it immediately became like an almost unsafe space. Oh my God.

Do you know what I mean? It's sort of like, it's like, it's like, that part of the canteen you can't sit in. That's such a weird thing to want to work there though because then you have to work for everyone that you know. But it was around the era of like,

really cool dinagal movies like Cinderella story Hillary does working on the diner oh my god we know Cinderella story you do not need to explain to us but like hello do you remember those like films where they do and they do like have jobs

and they'd always fall in a diner and then they'd always fall in up in the diner Chad Michael Murray Bidding Bidding Badoom Babbin Bidding Bidding Bidding Babbin Babbin yeah Bid Bidding Bababam and like it was like a really sexy thing whereas I was a receptionist

and didn't get to but I always wanted to work in the cafe really because it's just it's so cool to be like make a Pini you know wow you just winked at me when you said make a pinini you've been queer the whole time if you're winking a pinini i'm sorry for some reason in our town the other cool girls um worked in like so it was a big thing when everyone got saturday jobs and we'd all walk up together from like our little area of fleet emma black was in cargo which is an interiors

of course she was of course she was and there was a really lovely group in cargo our friend page worked in this is classic shoe shop christina shoes nice And I thought shoe shop was so cool. But I'd cried in that shop so much growing up. I couldn't go in and hand in my CV. Why? Because I could never shop in my age range. And really big, big white feet.

So, like, they'd be like, oh, these are your options. But they were always, like, adults' work shoes instead of, like, kids' school shoes. And, like, obviously when you got older, you want to stand out. But I had so many, like, like, bad. No, you just want to be it in so bad, bad, yeah. To the point where my mom had to start taking me shoe shopping before the last week of school holidays because it was like too embarrassing having me crying in front of all her peers.

Oh, God. Because, yeah, it's really tricky to be six with technically wide feet. Yeah, that's tough. That is tough. Poor little Helen. Poor little Helen. And they don't get out the little, do you know, they have those little measuring, which is like a fun,

like with animals. on it in a fun color and then they have the adults. Yeah, the industrials are. Did we have to say industrial? But you do feel like when they take it out, you're like, it feels industrial when you get to the adult one from the kids. Yeah, you're like, this is big time. We're talking machine measuring.

Yeah, that's tough. Like, get out of the captain. We're going to need an ex-bats. Yeah, that is tough. Fuck, people are saying. Yes, then I was like, I can't apply at a shoe shop. But where do the cool girls work other than Starbucks you were going to say? Starbucks, and then there was a fancy dress shop.

called giggles. No, stop it. I'm not joking. Laura worked there. I went full name, but hi Laura. Lovey Loads. She's an absolute babe. And she worked in the fancy dress shop

and then her and another girl in my year, Rachel became like in charge of dressing up. Wow. Like every Halloween it was like their event. Wait, you mean fancy dresses in like fancy dress? Not like a fancy dress shop. I mean like a costume shop. Oh my God.

Stop. That's so funny and cool. And they, like, ran it. Yeah, that's amazing. That would be the dream for a Halloween party getting first dibs. And they, but they, like, they could do the horror makeup. They did scars. They became robots one year, like, fully committed.

And elevated it to a new level. Like, when I was 15, I went as deep-throating Harry Potter. Like, I had no idea what I was doing. Had no plan for costumes. I drew a scar on my forehead and then just deep-throat stuff for people at the party. Which is mad. absolutely mad of a choice but I panicked I just purely panicked

awful yeah that feels that feels wrong yeah it's crazy the things you do no no you do isn't it crazy the things you do I no but you know when you're like you panic on the day of I'm not very good at Halloween costumes

I know that part sorry that part's apparent I'm still stuck on you got, how did you get to deep throating? I think I got to the party and there was a couple of Harry Potter's and I was like, I gotta stand out from the hurt. Despite the fact I told me Harry Potter

with like blonde highlights and like fucking triple D's. But I was like one more thing so I would like deep throat. I was, I tell you this already when I was, oh God, I just feel like I've got so much teenage stuff happening around me at the moment

but like mainly because I am writing something that's like very much around the teenage year. but like Anna Grant had some friends over hers when I was staying at hers in Edinburgh recently and somehow we managed to get on to the topic of like our party trick that we invented when we were like 12 but we did it till we were 17 and we used to think if we went to a party and did our trick the boys would lose their minds and we were so convinced and we practiced at hers loads but the trick was she lay on the floor I straddled her she kicked her lads up and we'd played each of

as a drum and I'd walk around the party with her physically hanging off me playing my bum like a drum and we genuinely thought we genuinely believed

that every time we left we went to the kitchen to the living room all the guys were there rock hard like God Anna Grant Helen Bauer have really figured out life

we were so badly bullied I'm sure but we were so convinced we're like We're really standing out. I'm sorry, I'm actually specious that you would think that that was a sexual thing and not the Harry Potter deep-throating Harry Potter. Well, I've been chanced to snail about it.

I think I might be clinically sick. No, don't let him make you believe that. I just feel like if you are, I think we have some parents listening and some teenagers. We do 100%. If you are a teenager listening to this, workshop what you think will be fun at a party with adults around you before you go. Yeah, I do think they probably know you, like they have your best interest at heart. and they're like they're checking you should probably trust them and also like your conversation

the moment you leave the house conversation with your parents they just get weird they get weird as you get older yeah try and have those chats now right like what just like chat's like is this normal is this cool can you help me with this like I have never asked my parents for any advice and then I've started asking them for advice about like hey I might want to buy somewhere one day or I might want to do this or like how does this work in the world or like what of pension and suddenly we have a total inability to communicate about any because we just they either make it too simple so I feel like they're pretending they're thinking I'm thick or they don't make it simple enough and I feel thick yeah fair enough and also can I say

they're thick as shit as well no one of the bowers running a MacArthur Genius Grant what's a MacArthur Genius Grant I think it's what they give to really smart people don't they just sort of find them and send it in the mail I'll ciggle it yeah sorry I should probably know that. I'm just baffled by the fact that you're talking to your parents. I can't, I don't even get as far as pensions. I call my parents and it is immediately, you'll never guess who's died. And then it is just a list of people. I have never met in my whole goddamn life. I don't even know how they know them. I can't even, they're like, no, but you know, you do know. It's An sister's brother. And you're like, who's Aunt? It's starting at the start. Who the fucking is Anne? Whereas, on the other hand, it's like somebody who I will have known since my childhood. Do you have this? Like, I'll have like the neighbors. My mom. would be like, have you met John? And you're like, John, who we've lived next to for like 28 years. What do you? Yes. Yes. Of course I have. What do you, why are you introducing me to people who were like, who I saw every day in school?

What are you, what's going on? Their inability to understand who you know and what, what is appropriate for you to hear as a person? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sometimes I'm like, I should not know this. Yes. Oh my God. My mom's a real one for that. I'm like, mom, I, we didn't. I wish I didn't know that I shouldn't know that and please don't tell me that.

So many things. I'm like, that cannot be my business. Yes, that's really, it can't be my business. That's mental. And then other things that I just completely missed. And I'm like, someone should have told me that. When I was 11, my guinea pigs died. How?

No one told me. I found out like five hours later, my mum was teaching a drama class. Wait, five hours later isn't that late. I just happened to be in the room and she went, one of the kids was tired. And I'm like, you're telling me you're tired. I had to bury two guinea pigs today. and I was just in the classroom and I was like,

what? What? Mama, what? Is that actually how you found out? Honey and Trisha? Yeah. Yeah. Did you call your mom?

Mama. What? Did you call her mom? I'd have been like, Mama. Did you actually find out? Yeah, no one remembered to tell me. But for some reason,

I know some teacher's cousins got some sort of problem. Sorry, but that's a classic drama teacher move. That's so. She did it on purpose. That's like, you're telling me you're tired. I had to bury two guinea pigs today. Like, she wanted your reaction.

And then her, like, kneeling down to me. Remember how this makes you feel. This is an emotion you can access at any point. Locking up, lock it up. It's awful. That is fucked, man. Why does everyone call their guinea pigs' foods names? Everyone's always calling your food names.

I was such a basic, no, that's not. fair because my uncle pancake pancake and she does name Roe. Everyone I know has a guinea pig that's called like cinnamon or nutmeg or like toast or caramel or... So cute aren't they guinea pigs? Yeah, I never got one.

Just big squeakers. Do you want one now? No, thank you. There's a woman on the internet that has like 10. That seems a bit greedy. Are you serious? Don't you think that's a bit too many? I think guinea pigs are quite social so it's quite nice for them. Oh, is it? They do like to be in pairs, don't they? But maybe that's where they died together. I think they all hang

Actually, I don't think they did die together. I think one of the last one died. The other one who died before that, we were going to replace it. But then it was like, but then we just have to keep replacing one and it happens if they don't get on. Awful.

Terrible business. Rest in peace. It's better than my fish was murdered by R2 Glugtu. How about a half? Artu Glug to murdered my fish when I was little. Who's R2 Glug to?

I want to... You understand that we don't know. Like, you've just done that thing where like, But I also don't tell you information of people You don't need to know Well, that's true But who the hell is Art2 Glug 2?

When I was, oh my God, I'm right Fun to say R2Gluctu. I do think I had a normal childhood And I want everyone to know I'm fine When I was 10 I think like No one believes you were is reassured I think when I was like turning like 10 or 9 or something

What was it going to say? Oh yeah, Art2 Glug 2 I wanted, you know when you're like The age where you look forward to your birthday Six months in advance And you pick what you want And then it changes every week I had solidly said for five months that I wanted a turtle

and I was like very clear on it and my parents just said yes because they assumed I'd changed my mind but I didn't and like we had a bit of a fiasco with a parrot when I was four years old so we had I asked Father Christmas for a parrot to see if he was real because I'd been told he wasn't real and I wrote my mum still got a letter

I wrote Father Christmas saying hi my name's Helen I'm incent as a rose spelt completely wrong can I have a parrot I'm incent as a rose Yeah, I'm incant as a rose, trying to say I'm innocent as a rose. Oh, my name's Helen. I'm only four.

I'm innocent as a woes. I want a parrot. It's all I want. It's a test. Thank you. Bays. Did you write? It's a test.

Basically. But I really intense stuff. And then what happened? Annie Parrish? And then clearly the night before my, no power. No powets. I had bought you a beanie baby parrot and me like thought that was the test. Come on, Anne and Michael do better.

Come on. But I really wanted to turtle. It's called yes and, Anne. They panicked the night before and they got me the they got me the tank but they were like it turns out it's illegal to get what you want

the turtle and I was very upset and they were like but we can go to Bagshot Lee shout out to Bagshot Lee Garden Centre and aquarium shop and we bought fishes but my siblings fucking nightmares and they were like well Helen can't have fish and we're not having fish

that's not fair It's your birthday You are incent as a rose I know I know I know I know I know I know so we all got to pick fish right okay like it's fucking everyone's birthday fine so I pick some cute little fish

Marianne pick some cute little fish probably instructed by me husband named Tinky Winky Dipsy Lala and Po just make sense for the time mine were like thudge chump

like different shit like Fredo nice chocolate bars and my brother got one fish a Siamese fighting fish which I think fighting in the name

Don't put it in the same tank of A sweet little, thank you, called R2 Glug 2, Gluggy for short. And that R2 Glug 2, my mum says it was one of my fish. That R2 Glug 2 massacred, that tropical aquarium. And I mean massacred. All of them. Bloody awful, awful. He ate all of them.

It was just like a week long showdown of death. A spree. It was a spree. It was a spree. And each morning we'd go there. and there'd be two more belly up with bites out of them and then R2 Glug 2 just going around

having little chomps of fish food little fuck and if my mum's listening to this or my brother they're going to text to be like no it was fudge it was fudge it fucking wasn't and I'm sick of that narrative excuse me rewind

Who's fudge? My fudge is one of her fish Are you listening? No no I missed that my bagic It's like hell Wow This is actually quite a significant trauma

Don't speak to my client like that I was so sorry at me. Here's my question for Anne if she were on my at the bench, I'd be like, why was a slide to go on for more than one day? He's the first fish, he's out. Kill him. He's out.

Take him out, yeah. You at least put him in fish shell. Why is he left out in the public? A threat at large. So then we ended up with basically empty tank and then we went to the Dodd's house. Who the fuck at the job? Playday, just like family friends, lived on the next road to us. Okay.

Famously, house opposite where I first tried butter. Also, Andrew has to think out earlier. Are you thinking about that? Because do you remember when we discussed me trying butter for the first time? That clip's now gone viral, which is amazing, including a lot of men who love to point out and she's not stopped eating buttersons, which is unhelpful. It's not helpful.

It's also fucking boring, you space a con. But Andrew earlier said, go on. Oh, so Helen is now on her school's Wikipedia. page. Shout out, Quartmore School, caring to achieve. Yeah. How do you know that? Because somebody, basically it was the thing that Helen didn't have Wikipedia page.

And I think a hog made her one and posted about it. Could a hog update mine, please? I'm sure they will. They're very vigilant. Thank you so much. But anyway, on Helen's school alumni. I may take out my medical history, which feels rude and presumptuous. That's weird.

Yeah, so fucking rude. I don't think I do have a Wikipedia. You do. You do. But didn't put like my education. It's so fucking rude. Go on. There.

So in Helen's school alumni was a name I recognized, Isabel Pooley, who is an Olympian. High jumper? Hi, jumper, yes. And Mrs Pooley is who introduced butter to Helen, but she didn't tell us that Isabel Pooley is an Olympian. You didn't want to mention she's an Olympian? I was thinking about the butter at the time of the story. Also, I didn't know she made her all the way to the Olympics. Good for Isabelle.

I once threw up in the back of her car and never told her parents. I hope they don't know I think I got most of it down my sleeve I was car sick and I was too embarrassed to say anything Oh hell is what age to you Like like eight or whatever or seven But I didn't know her She was like a newer friend

Because they moved to town a bit later I have done something worse than that Go on There was an American family who lived behind us initially And then another American family took over But this little girl She was like maybe two years younger than me Anne-Marie, Anne-Marie, and I used to climb over our back wall in to hang out with her.

And her family were so, so nice. But I was maybe like, I wasn't in school yet, so maybe I was like, almost five, four, for sure. And I went to the toilet their house and I went for a wee and I only realized like two seconds into the wee that, you know, they had those like, the seat was down, but they had one of those fluffy, you know, the fluffy covers. So you sat on the top of the toilet and you weed. Yeah, and then suddenly, and I was like, and I honestly, like, when I think about it now, it's still like, well, actually, I'm not as embarrassed. I think I've, like, freeze it. Not a big deal, but at the time. But at the time, it, like, covered me in shame.

And I, and I just remember, I think I just left. Like, I think I just, like, walked out of the bathroom, back out to the back garden and up over the wall and home and, like, never spoke of it again. Little ginger freckley, Catherine, just being like, yep, I've never heard about it again. Mommy daddy, we're moving. I just literally walked from the toilet to over the wall. Oh, it happened. It's like for some reason Like anything like that is so mortifying

And also you forget the fact that you're a kid And you can totally get away with her And also you're like a babe Like what? Come on I didn't mean it I was sick down my sleeve in a car Because I was too embarrassed to say I feel car sick We pull over because I thought it was embarrassing to vomit Which like

Oh bless Just a new person moved to town they're cool They're going to be an Olympian That's so cute I know Also I'm so sorry Isabel didn't actually Do the Olympics But she did get silver at the Commonwealth Games

Shout out Isabel Poo! Silver are the Commonwealth Games. You should have gone to the Olympics, don't you mind them? I'm sorry for throwing up in your car. Thank you for inviting me to the Panto. And for introducing you to? Butter. Butter, butter, butter, butter.

Thank you to the Pooleys. Yeah. But the Dodds. Yes, sorry, of course. How long does it take us to tell a story? Go on. So the Dodds were family friends and you went there having half to the spree. Post-sprime.

Yeah, we've just got one very aggressive Artu Glug to, which about a week later. was found dead wedged between a fake castle Gluggy and the glass. No one knows what happens. Marianne's hand was wet. That's all our size. It wasn't. She'd never heard an animal.

But whatever, gluggy somehow, like, I think the guilt. The guilt. You think you took himself. I think it was a guilt thing. Right. Then we went to the Dodds. Now, they had a fish tank. I'm going to say it overpopulated.

Really? And Michael Bauer, thrifty little fuck, was like, I'll take some. of those. Get me a Ziploc bag. No stress. It's about, it's just, just around the corner. No worries. We'll take some. Without listening to the fact that these guppies give birth every two weeks. What? So they will overpopulate themselves either way. So then we, I just constantly, it's a series of births, births, births, births, births, births, births. You go from a murder spree to overpopulation. Overpopulation so fast. It's an absolute disaster. And then one morning, Michael can't

take it anymore gets up in the get up about 5 a.m. No no don't say it. I don't like this. I don't like 5 a.m. This is cruelty to animal they don't like this. Takes the tank drives to Fleet's Pond Okay, throws them in, different to what I thought, sees a pike

all gone, one bite drives home, kids don't know what's happened. Which is probably for the best because if not Fleet Pond would be a guppy haven and we'd be fucked one pike. One pike. rumor has it

rumor has it rumor has it yeah how what a roller coaster and my family didn't dip back into pets until pancake good you shouldn't have been allowed to

no offense yeah we were really struggling what the hell good Jesus thank God Marianne grew up because the only one who had to take care of pancake

before we bring our guests on I do have another childhood confession I want to make but I feel like I should do it in the patron extras. We should bring our guest on. Okay, great. Let's do it. Please.

Welcome to the podcast. Harriet Kemsley. Woohoo. Hey, all three of us are going to the Edinburgh fringe this year. Woohoo. Catherine Bohart will be there. Yes, I'll be there at noon in the monkey barrel. You've got to go.

Her show's amazing. She is going up with a finished, polished, beautiful, incredible show. You're very kind. Me and Andrew, however. Speak for yourself. Andrew's going up with a finished show. We'll be there for five days. What's a cold?

Where is it, Andrew? It's called Andrew White. Younger and a third thing. It is at 920 at the Assembly Roxy from the 20th to 24th. So just the last week. So when everyone is at the lowest air, I'll be swooping in with some high energy. Yes, Andrew. Oh, God is good.

Perfect, Angel. And Sweet Helen Barrow will be there. In the middle. for the 12th of the 14th of August I will be doing three random different times at Monkey Barrel 4 one of them is the same day as Trustee Hog's Live so I guess I'll just see you

for the whole day. Yeah, do the Bower Double come on, why wouldn't you? You've got to do the Bower double. Double Bower! You can triple us. You can do Catherine, me and Tristanog's Life all on the Monday the 12th. Why the hell not? Good fucking luck to you is what I say. I'd say get those tickets booked now.

Bye. Bye. welcome harriet kemsley the first guest in ages to bring a gift to some lovely candy kittens very cherry very well done thank you so much very cheery very cheery yes hello to have you back i'm thrilled to have you here i know it's like we can never exist in the same place together it is funny we never get booked on the same bill which says to me that people say same energy i think this don't you think like a frantic like sort of um i think i'm a mixed between both agree you are a midpoint

yes I think so I have the chaos maybe of wow okay chaos was there was a gesture towards me with chaos the chaos absolutely chaos but I don't think you have the pace of me yes yes as far as pace

yes yes how are you I'm okay I'm okay I had a bit of a dramatic evening last night got barred from a pub I was at the pub earlier but I had left I had left before the fight

Had left, yeah. How did this happen? Yes, I don't really know. I haven't been barred from a pub this year. No, it's been a long time since I've been pub and a pub. No, the football was on. And then I did throw a wine glass when the goal scored, but that was actually nothing to do with it.

That actually had nothing to do with the situation. And then the owner of the pub was an absolute asshole. And we got into this back and forth because he thought, I thought he was trying to steal my bag, but I didn't. I was trying to sit on a chair. So it was very confusing. And then it got like really intensely.

He had really aggressive energy. And then everyone was like, you should move your chair away. And so I moved the chair. And then he came over and he was like, I'm just joking with you. But he was like really intense. And he was like, I'm the owner. And then like he spat on the floor, which was unnecessary. And I think, don't spit on the floor of your own part.

Yeah, I know. But he was like, I own it. I can spit on the floor. Like, it was crazy. And then we got into it back and forth. And then basically he was like, you guys, you're all barred. And then, yeah, we left. What?

Yeah, he got all his people like outside. the football was still happening so we missed the ending. No, you got bar before the match was even over? We got bar before the match is even over. And I don't know why I'm the one that's getting us barred. Like it was crazy. Like five of us had to like leave.

And then he was like standing outside with all his guys to like make sure we didn't come back in. Yeah. It was awful because then me and Sineal had made at home. We finished watching the match at home with ice creams. And then I sent Sineal back out to go pick them up because we thought there'd been a genuine fight. But sort of a fight.

Sort of a fight. And then Sinell had to drive them all home. Yeah, well, we walked out, or Alexa started doing this. And so then I was like, I was trying to do it behind, but I couldn't remember what thing go. And so I did that, I did that. Yeah, and then I was like, no, that one actually. So, yeah, it was really intense.

Oh, my God. We can never go back with, sir. Is it your local? No, thank God, thank God. It was no one's local. It's like, it's not going to affect anyone ongoing. Yeah. Fucking, yeah, really dramatic.

You're a mother. Yeah, I know, I know. I'm a football hooligan. It turns out. No idea. No idea. Yeah, I didn't go to see the football at any time and then mustn't go again. Thank God it's two years, you know.

Thank goodness to recover. So funny getting banned from a bar on your 30s. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Go back home to my baby and, oh my God, that's so funny. That is so funny. I was going to be like, we could ask her, has her life changed since she's had a kid? But I guess no, no, if anything, just more violent.

More violent. My whole week has been crazy. on the wrong ferry last week. And just everything has been going badly. Can I just quickly caveat with Harriet does have dyspraxia. So like, let's not say, Laura and no one's had messages, been like, what are you doing? Thank you. That she's doing her genuine best.

Wait a second. Were there two fairies at the same porch and you chose the, like, fairy less travel? I have no idea. I got there an hour before and then they sent the, like, I googled like White link, but then I was like going to find it. Okay. Yeah, to go into the Isle of White. But then I was following where it was telling me to go.

then I wasn't paying attention and it took me into the middle of land and so then I got there and it was just an office block and I was like there can't be a ferry from here like there's no water and so then I was like really panicking one second one second sorry the aisle of white the white link ferry yes goes literally from portsmouth station yes that's the station station even yes that's what it turns out yeah but it's it's signalled so clearly from the station I strongly disagree but you have to know to go to the station that's the thing you're missing you have to know to go there first. Yeah.

And I didn't know that. So then I was at the offices and I was like, this doesn't seem right. The Whitelink offices, I guess. Oh, you went to the headquarters. Yeah, I guess I went to the headquarters. Oh, right. I'm understanding now.

You went to the headquarters. That will do it. That would do it. And then I was so panic. So I was like, I have to hurry. And I was just looking for fairies and like water. No. Like from in like very much like in the town of Portsmouth.

And then I was like, right, I've got to try. and I saw one and I was like, that must be it. And I was meant to get on. I was meant to meet the captain because I was going with... So you just saw a boat and you just got on it because you were assumed. No, I'm not. We need to circle back to why you were meant to meet the captain. So we were meant to go have a photo with the captain.

So it was me, Dylan Moran and Maisie Adam. We were doing the show in the Isle of White. And then we were meant to get on, meet the lady from marketing, go up and meet the captain. But then I was like, I've lost the lady, but here's the ferry. So then they scanned my thing and I went on. And I did think it was weird because it was just me and all the cars. but I, like, went, I, like, dodged through all the cars, and then I got on.

And then it was meant to be, like, 20 minutes, but I wasn't really paying attention. Because I was like, oh, thank God, I'm on the ferry, you know. And then 45 minutes later, we're approaching land. Oh, my gosh. And I got a phone call, and I was like, oh, I'm really sorry, but I'm coming. Like, we're approaching land. We're docking. And he was like, no, you're not.

The ferry arrived 20 minutes ago. And I was like, what land am I approaching? This is what I was so worried about. I was like, am I in Calais? Like, this is actually crazy? Like, what land is this? And it didn't look, it literally, like, didn't look. Yeah, it looked a bit French.

It was like, really. What was it? Thank God, it turned out it was the Isle of White, but it was a completely different part of the island. And it turned out I had got on the car ferry. And so then I was like, how did they let you on? I don't know. I don't know, because I'm not a car. And I agree, speaking to your, Mike, I really agree with you.

I know. And then I went to, I was like, how do I get off? And they were like, oh, you have to go down the stairs. And I've already done that, but it was just loads of cars. And then I just, then I just. had to like walk out with the cars like just oh that's so stressful and then i got they like had to come pick me up it was so stressful and then they came and picked me up and then they were like oh macy's gone for a walk and i was like oh i might go for a walk too and they were like no i'm sorry you have to sit

here um because we're not letting you out of our sight so i wasn't allowed to say that when you're like oh i'll go for a walk no no they're allowed to do it you actually have to stay with mummy yeah i know i know it was, I was like, you know what, guys, that is fair actually. Thank God it was in France. When you got off the ferry, did you just say bonjour, just in? Yeah, I was so nervous. I was like, what land am I in? And then, but then Maisie turned up,

because Dylan Moran, it turned out, had missed the ferry. I'd got the wrong ferry. That all checks out. That's all. You know, he had to spend 20 minutes with the captain. Oh, no, right. And then she said, he kept going, shit, kept having to go like, what does this button do?

And he was like, it's just forward. It's just like, it's pretty straightforward. Like, you can literally see the Isle of Wye. from where we are. Yeah, you can from Portsm Station, yeah. Yeah, but I went, I guess, all the way around. And then when I got there and I looked over, I was like, it's really close. Like, yeah, I had no idea.

Yeah. But what was the gig on the Isle of Wight then? The big beach weekend, and so it was, yeah, it was on the beach. I love the Isle of Wight? Yeah, I know. I didn't get to explore, but I like to go back. You, because you love Hampshire. Yeah, and you can see it from the beach that I spend time on.

So I would like to go over for a day trip, but I haven't. yet. My favourite thing on it is Osbourne House. I wouldn't know. I wasn't allowed to see anything. It's Queen Victoria's old house. Oh, nice. It's just like, it's epic. It's so cool. I'm going to go. You would really love it. I'd love to go. And they've got a garlic festival every August. Yeah, the whole island goes mad according to the taxi drivers there. Wow. The garlic festival. I think I'd also absolutely love. Yeah, that sounds divine. I think just to quickly circle back to the travel to gigs.

Some gigs, the travel is so complicated. Yeah. That is just to the point where I have to say no to some gigs now where I'm like, I'll never make it. That's a really good idea. I just know in advance, I'll never make it. Because every day is a different gig. So I just deal with it on the day.

And then you're like, oh, this really should have involved advanced planning. And so many towns sound like another town. Yeah, they sound reasonably close and it turns out they're six hours away. And I'm so convinced if I don't know the name of the town, I always think everything sounds like Kent. like I'm like that sounds like a town in Kent sounds like a town of Kent but I'm so confident with it

I'm always like it's just in Kent and then I'm in bloody like Suffolk and I'm just I'm like see not literally you were but yeah Christ you've got a lot going on my love it's a lot going on yeah

yeah life's hard you know your nails up nice so you've managed to get everything at the same time it was my newest resolution to try and like look a bit together you know just to trick people slightly thank you yeah I don't feel it

but I appreciate that I got tricked you duped me that's my plan yeah you had me done with Harriet yeah but she laughed at me twice

whilst my feet were being scraped why I have a significant amount of dead skin they were just really horrified the person doing it was just like they weren't horrified

they were just like oh god it was just like there was so much coming off they were just like exhausted by the end he was like had to take like a little break because it was like

it's too much like, God, it's just, like, exhausting. Just, oh, yeah, poor guy, poor guy. So, Carrier was, like, next to me. We're, like, getting, like, pedicures together. And she was like, oh, my, oh, my God. I was like, ha ha ha. Yeah, that's a lot.

But I also refused to go with Catherine because she takes the file and does it again. I get mine, I don't take it, I don't do it again anymore. Just do it from the start now. You do it from the start? I just say, can I file them? They do everything. else for me. I just like to shape them myself because they don't do the shape I like.

And it's so reasonable to say this is how I want to do it, but for some reason, I cannot have it. You hated. This is why I refused to go shopping in America. No, Georgie hates it too. Georgie doesn't like when I take the file as well. She's like, you're a princess. Oh, once I went to with Catherine to get her nails done and she was getting little hearts and she tried to involve me. She held up a hand to me and went, does that look like a heart to you? And I was like, no, please don't involve me. I don't want to say anything. Well, after they've done it, while they were sat there, you said, does this look like a heart?

Yes, yes. Oh, no, no. No, that's a reasonable. No, you just pretend, you walk away and then you just redo them yourself at home. You absolutely do not say anything. No. It's Shalak. No, no.

Shalak, you're stuck with it for a week. You pay the money, you say, this is the best I've ever had. No. I absolutely love whatever shape this actually is. No. And then you go home. No. And you know we can't handle that.

He's a rural. Gay. Do not get them involved. I'm a oral gay. This man loves confrontation. This man loves confrontation. On email, not face to face. I just say that, I just think that if you don't tell them then they can't fix it. Do you remember that one time

I went and I had really bad hay fever? And the woman kept in getting really annoyed at me and I had to keep blowing my nose. That does sound disgusting if you're doing my nails. It does sound grim. If you're doing someone's nails and they keep snotting into their hands. My nose, my face was like a little bit like a wet tap. You could see how she'd be like, I

don't want to get the hair. I really wanted to blow my nose. I was like with both hands inside of it. And I can't go back. I can't. I don't think you should. I've run out of places to go in my area to get my nails done. I know I think I might get one of those machines at home. It does. It's very time consuming. I find to do it yourself at home. I do it a bit much. It's so tedious. Are you all putting SPF on your hands before you go to get your UV light? What? put SPF on your hands before you put them on those strong life because I think it's bad it's bad for you it's really bad yeah for sure um yeah so they can do like organic ones but yeah i try to get biab if

i get it but oh is biab better better yeah oh really is that not without the uv light oh no they still use the uv light but ideally they have those one of those little finger uv lights the sticks so then they can just go over the nail instead of your whole hand but if you have to put them in then do um put you put um spf on spf but my hands on more tanned than the rest of me yeah that's good point that's great it's more about skin damage which you can always see right yeah there's so much to think about these days there's a lot on isn't sometimes you just have to not think yeah what's the only way care routine how many steps are we doing at the moment i do do quite a lot of skin care stuff five no no like take stuff off

i don't wash my face because my my skin can get really dry yeah and so i cleanse with Just the miscellar water. Yeah, I've got that. I've got that. And then vitamin C. In the mornings? Yeah, in the mornings. And then cream.

And then cream. Three steps. Three steps. And you're not washing. That's it. And then in the evenings. Micella water. Just middle order and then there.

Okay. What are you doing? Retinal in the winter. Retinal in the winter, okay. Retinal, not in the summer. Well, I get, I get Botox, as you know, and I also get Profilo. But then. Wait, what's profiloh?

You put, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Hylaronic acid under your skin. Ooh, I had, I have done a bit of Botox, but that's not, that's not, like, daily. That's not in my, that's not in my, that's not in my, that's not daily. No, but I don't like saying it, like, somehow, like, what I'm about to say is why I look, the way I look, because that's not true. So I just don't like being like, I use SBF. It's like, I'm not saying.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I take my makeup off with a, um, camamile cleanser, from the bodgy shop it's when I really like it's cream and it's really gentle and it takes off my eye makeup but it just like wipes off perfect and then I sometimes use the pixie toner but I tend not to do anything too strong I actually often just do cold water instead of toner because my skin's quite sensitive to like your skin is lovely actually I know thank you so much now yeah now that I'm looking at it and you think the effort she puts into it she's happy to say that she has Botox and Profilo but what she will not admit is all those records are drawn on

individually each morning wow That's true, that's true. And she's scared to say it. It's true. Thank you for just, let's just go out there. Catherine goes on our petals. I'm thrilled to finally say it. It's a pencil.

So, me. No, there's none from here. And then I use this really nice stuff on my skin called smart science, skin science, skin smart. See, this is where I get confused with the potions we're supposed to use. Yeah. The different acids. and multi-peptides and they come in little

dropper bottles and I get so confused. I use skin better science. Skin better science because it is, there's a day cream and the night cream and it's got small amounts

of retinal and small amounts of hyluronic acid I think and small amounts of vitamin C but vitamin C is way too harsh for my skin and then I just always wear Shoshado SPF.

What's Shishado? It's just a nice brand. A skin FECA. Or I wear Thank You Farmer which is a nice Korean brand which I really like and it's really sheer. Both of them basically go on incredibly light because I have to wear SPF every day of the year basically.

But we're supposed to because apparently we can get skin damage from the UV in our phones. What? I'm not joking because someone was like even if you don't, because you know when you're like, you're having a morning in,

you don't put on SPF until you leave the house. You can get it from your computer or your phone. No, I think it's just wearing actually with that. That doesn't seem to be. Andrew, can you Google that? I don't think he needs to. wasted a lot of time and money.

No, no, you need to wear it for the sun every day. Yeah, but you know when you're like, oh, I'm not going out today until 1pm, so then you don't put it on until 1pm because in my head, SPF wears off, right? It does. Yeah, yeah, it does. You need to put it on every few hours, yeah.

Every, no, not on your face. Because if you put on makeup after it, then you can't redo everything. I use a setting spray that has SPF in it so I can reapply over my makeup. Andrew, can you write down to get me one of those as well, please? It's a case on a little one. There is some truth to what Helen's

You go fuck yourselves. Believe women, you fucking whores. Sorry. Say more. Blue light from LED based devices can cause skin damage and accelerated skin aging. It doesn't necessarily say it doesn't say to put sun cream on though. Oh no, it does actually. There you go. The question we should all be asking is what the fuck is M doing to her skin because it is perfection. I was literally thinking that.

Yeah. It's perfection. It's pixie toner. Yeah. No, it's not. Why does I buy 200 bottles of it, Em? And why am I drinking out of it? night then.

It's a bit harsh. Mother, fuck. That's what I heard. Medicate. I'm sick of this. I am sick of this. As a group, we decide that this is the thing. This is what we should do.

So then I buy low. And by the time I've started regularly using it as part of my routine, suddenly it's corrosive. And I'm telling you now, we're all putting hyerolonic acid on our faces. We're going to look back at this and laugh. Sorry, Harriet. We're going to look back at this and think that's mental. What's your routine?

I don't really have one. Sorry. I'd put roseop oil on my face at night sometimes, but it stains your pillowcases if you do it every day. But then how is your skin so glowing? It's jeans and she eats loads of vegetables and drink a little water. Yeah. Which I think I could drink more water.

I'm getting quite wrinkly, guys. You don't have a single wrinkle. I got by just for a specific. Andrew! I'm sorry. Andrew's dropping his... Wait, can I get a glass of water now? Because now I'm suddenly thinking about it.

Okay, yes. Go on, Harriet. I got back to for a specific reason. Because you know you're meant to be like, oh, like, I love my wrinkles and everything. And every line tells a story and that's like a life I've lived. And then after my divorce,

I realized my line on my forehead was just Bobby. And then it's stressed my ex-husband and every time I looked at it, I was like, that is the stress from him and it just made me think of him. And so I was like, I have to get rid of that. And then now, so that's why I got rid of it. Every line tells a story

and I don't want to fucking hear that one again for a while. I do not want me hear that story for some time. Well, also what were you going to say? your skincare routine was Botox at the ex-husband and... No, that was it, yeah, I just literally got it at the start at the end of last year after the divorce when I was like, yeah, don't want to, I can just get rid of that, yeah.

Jesus Christ. And... I want them to invent one product. Yeah, I know. Just one and be like, that's it. And I want it to cost a fibre a month. Okay, well, that's not going to happen, my name. Because I'm sick of all these little bits and bobs, because sometimes you hear what you're

supposed to do and you're like, okay, but who's doing? That doesn't exist, but what does exist for me, at least, is Dr. Ewan, and I just do what he says, and I don't buy anything else. I only buy what he tells me to buy. And I only let him do what he does to my face. And then, so I haven't found that solution, but I have found one fabulous gay man from whom I take all of my instruction. And that has definitely improved my skin. But, um, it's not, it's not a five or a month. I'll tell you that much. I can't talk to him because I can't go to the body shop. oh no no the cleanser was my own doing to be fair remember at the body shop I don't know if it's still the rules but if it was your birthday you got a free gift I used to go in always say it was my birthday and I'd lost my ID and I feel like they car and on that's why they've shut down

a lot of the stores the stores have shut down yeah there used to be a little one in the middle of Waterloo and a little one in the middle of Houston remember those people lost their jobs because of your behaviour yeah it's my birthday and I lost my ID can I have a searworm? Oh my God. Yeah, serums as well.

Yeah. I feel like they make me greasy and sometimes I feel like when I'm going to bed I'm just like too wet physically, facially. Thank you for clarifying. You're supposed to cleanse twice in the evenings. You've heard about this.

Double cleansing. You cleanse once in the morning. That strips do natural oils, I think. And then once I saw an Anya Magliano Instagram story. Yeah. And she was like, I just found out that when they say,

cleanse your face, you have to cleanse it for 90 seconds. Like, you need to be washing your face for 90 seconds before you wash it off. And that's really stuck with me. But that is so long, 90 seconds to be washing your face. With Sunil knocking outside, like, I need to go big toilet, get the fuck out of there. Yeah, that's a lot. You can't do it. And then do that twice.

And then you're supposed to put on a toner, then a serum, then eye cream, and then moisturiser, allowing it to dry in between, and then go to bed. and then you put on hand cream as well before you get in bed you're just like foot cream you really should add foot cream should I just sounds like it just sounds like it it sounds like maybe you should yeah you got to do something about those feet since that time where you laughed and the two people kept looking at each other like fuck me I have started like stripping my own feet at home before going in

out of pure shame and embarrassment what are you using are using an electric one no one of those like one of those things feet I was judging you because when I was 18, a lady did it to my feet and I'd spent all summer at festivals not wearing shoes and it was real bad. Like, my sister still talks about the anger this woman had. Like, she was, like, absolutely furious. But then does some people not have it?

Because, like, I know so many people who have never had a pedicure. I think there's some real soft-footed ladies out there. And I think they just naturally have soft feet. And I think Catherine might be one of them. No, but I have to say this. No, she's a bloody, she's like a horse. No, Ellen has perfectly soft feet. And I think, I think part of it is that she's never had a pedicure.

I think that when you start going out and it causes the same problem over and over and over again. You take too good care of your feet, Helen. Yeah, I do think when you remove this skin, it grows back and then you get that sort of textured dry skin. I fucking knew it. I once got in a depression. Yeah. So I had my heartbroken. And I was living in Berlin, but I was living in a flat that had no internet.

And I was away for four months. My friend was there by herself. France was there by herself. And then I was there for like a month by myself when they moved back. and I had, I spent like all the money I had on that shoal and you turned it on and it word around and it shaved down your feet and I would do that because I had no internet all I had was like

library DVDs to watch and I'd like get the Simpsons in German out and watch them and I would peel my feet and just sit there for evenings and I reckon I went through everything and now I've ruined it for myself God that guy was probably really missing you that what I've lost

Oh no, she sent it all to him in a little envelope Missing you Foot fetish confetti You know what I reckon You know that's a brand that TM I'm making foot fetish confetti I'm making foot confettishu

Oh we're not to get into the foot market Yes It's so good Like your face isn't involved Are you on with your feet Yeah Yeah, me too They just put you there

They just put you there And then I was on it And then I was like so, I was like Oh my God, one of my feet And I got okay I just think that's so rude Got okay I got okay

You got it just sucks on And one of my feet In one of the pictures My foot is next to a goat's foot And I still got rated okay Like I think that's so rude What's a goat's foot That's out of order

Like a hoof Like a hoof A little bottooth That's so worried You got okay I've got okay. But I've talked about it enough now that it has gone up. What's Catherine got?

I love it if you were bang on correct. Like each morning, check your Instagram, check your TikTok, check you when you're saying. 4.25, nice feet. 4.25 nice feet. What's heading? Oh, it's not going to be kind. 11 people rated them beautiful. Wow.

That's good, Catherine. That is good. What a strange selection of photos. Do you want to do you, Helen? Mine won't be very kind, probably. I never know. I know I'm on a website for fat celebrities. I have bunions, so I'm surprised.

Someone sent me a link. I have bunions, so I'm shocked that I got 4.25. You're on a fat celebrity's website. That's so cool. There's like, of like, and they're just sort of like looking big and juicy in this one, and they just take pictures from your social media and being like, yeah, it's just really big on this one.

It's like for chasers. I think it's a chubby chasers. Oh my gosh. But it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. here's her standing next to one of her petite friend, she looks bigger. It's a great comparison. But Helen. That's so funny, but also, how annoyed would you be if you weren't

on that website? I wouldn't know it existed if someone hadn't found out of yeah. But what have you found out it existed and you weren't on there? I'd be so fine with that girlfriend. No, you'd be livid. You'd be livid if it was just Pauline Quirk and Alison Hammond and you didn't get a look in. I would be livid. You'd be furious.

Come on. Get over. Come on. Am I on with your feet and isn't nasty Orvin taken down? No, just three stars, okay feet. Okay, yeah, there we go. Fuck! Thank God you got them filed so much. That's what I will say.

Imagine what it would have been if you hadn't done that. I would have thought mine would be high because they're specialised. They're nine and a half, they're wide fit. The toes splay. Mine's play. I've got real sples. Harriet, you've gone up.

You're four stars, nice feet. I've gone up, yeah, because I talked about it enough that people felt bad. Wait, how many podcasts are you? you brought it up on. Quite a few points. This is not my first podcast that I've tried to get sympathy votes.

She got to France and was like, bonjour, have you raided my video? Does this mean that I could go up if I start? Can everyone please go on, is it called WikiFeet? Yeah, yeah. And I would like to get to a four. I would like to get to a four.

I'd love to get back up to four point five. You're cool. Tell us. What kind of advice? You don't know about finding the wrong. right fairy which what kind of advice do your friends come to for and what kind of advice giver are you please um i i don't know what that's such a broad question people come to you for all advice well what kind of advice are you like what kind of advice do you give maybe like brutally honest

do you say exactly what they want to hear oh yeah my friend melissa said it's like it's like painful um because yeah i can't lie so that's like a big problem i think you just say exactly what you think yeah yeah I try and do it yeah gosh I've seen you give very brutal feedback to Sunil Patel yeah but I've also seen you being incredibly gentle with like myself and like Amy Gladhill and stuff so I think it does depend on who it is sometimes people are so obnoxious that you have to be brutal to get through to them because they don't know that you can't just be nice because it just doesn't go anywhere so my friend Melissa Sunil they have to they have you have to be brutal it does depend on the person great okay all right

Well, let's do this thing. It could be. We don't know enough about it, but let's find out. You have a problem for us, Andrew? We do indeed. From N. Hi, N. They say, I've listened to all the non-patrian episodes recently

and have upgraded because I want to keep binging on all your wonderful content. Woo-hoo! That's nice. N for nice. My question is about how to move abroad. So, my boyfriend of four and a half years has been offered a very exciting job in Italy. I'm very pleased for him as this would be his first job after completing his PhD and I am very fortunate he said he'll support me if I decide to move across with him

or whether I stay in the UK so it's entirely up to end whether she moves to Italy or stays in the UK she has a remote job so she can move and the jobs that they would support it was very excited by the opportunity on the one hand but is also very anxious about my career dreams. I'm a theatre maker, brackets. In fact, I'm a clown. Shut the fuck up. And I'm finding it tough enough as it is to make the work I want to make in the UK. Knowing the arts is also very underfunded in Italy and that I'd be working in a second language, I'm worried that it's an even bigger barrier to my true dreams. So although I have financial security in the support of my boyfriend and the exciting opportunity, I don't know what to do. Number one, we're in Italy because

there actually is an English language clown community in London. Yeah. And you're going to I can link you up with people right now on the scrum. When was this written in? It was... 2019. No, it was actually only a couple of weeks ago. And they don't move until the end of October. So we still...

So Helen could help you. Second thing today is you're going to the home of Comedia del Arte. You're going to the place, like the true birthplace of clowning in a lot of words. I have a question. How can you be a remote clown? No, I think they have a corporate job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love you for asking you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. It's just for people who. are scared of plans so you zoom in initially and then you work up bill head up yeah yeah yeah love love you how can you be a remote now that was adorable very good very sweet very cute i have a question i have a question um sorry i'm doing that impression that our friend does love you which i won't do now it's really insulting it's a bad man can i do it no i can't do it who does it no i can't do this impression of me when he says i sound like i come from kent

you do come from Kent Yeah Yeah Okay Harriet Met Our friend's friend Whose name is

Donatus Okay And as they were meeting Is Donatus Greek? No lovely Where's he from actually Latvia or Lithuania or something Yeah

Lovely man Yeah And so I went This is Donatus And Harry went Did you say Simarton? Sorry Did you say Simartime?

which is, I'm sorry, so clinically thick to get it from a name you don't quite here to he's your name, tomato. Oh, Harriet, my story. I've become like a constant impression in my prayer that whenever Harriet's over, it's like, he comes with him, to be fair, I did not say it to his face.

You had a bad day, you had a bad day, you had a bad day, okay. He introduced himself and I just, and then we're having this conversation, I kept going, his name is tomato, that's crazy. And then he walked off and then Evelyn was there and I said, Evelyn, is his name tomato. And then Evelyn ran over to him and was like, everything's your name, tomato.

I was like, this is awful. It's such a good mishearing. And like, I have all the names in the world, I've never met a tomato. Oh my God. Sammy! Do you get his name as to know? side.

Oh, boy. That's clowning. But you don't like it when we do the impression, and that's fair. Yeah, we have to limit the impression. Yeah, yeah, because it gets out of hand and everyone joins in. I think everyone has a lot of fun doing it. Yeah, but that's a bit much for a while. How bad do you want to say it right now, though?

You go, no, I don't actually really want to help end with moving country. Oh, yeah, I want to help him too. Sorry, I just thought we could stick to that. Yes. Pizza, pasta. I agree with you. No, no, keep going. Delato, what is the question?

Get on the plane, girl. Sunshine. Yeah. Okay, on the other side of it, the Catholic Church, fascism. They both are here as well. Do they nap in the afternoons now, or is that just in Spain?

You can do it anywhere. No, but like, did the places close? I don't think so. Like, you know when you're hungry in Spain about 3 o'clock and you're like, well, that's me done until 9 when they decide to sit the half a dinner? It's an absolute nightmare.

Not true. It is. It's so, I have been hungrier in Spain than any of the country. It's a shame because I love the food. Not until nine. But you can't eat until 9pm. They're all having a sleep at 2pm. It's not true.

They close from like 2 to 4, you've got to relax. The restaurants for dinner did not open till 9. That's not true. I've eaten dinner at 6pm in Spain many times. Wow. So many places. What do you think families are children do when they're over from like Ireland? We were a family from.

with children and we stopped. You're not waiting till nine locks for steak and chips, you're not. I don't believe you. We were. You're not. No way. I'll get my dad on the phone right now. I won't. He won't I don't want to talk about. Yeah. But wait a second. Okay, so I think it sounds amazing and you should do it. I think it's difficult that I don't know about moving for a man. I don't know about moving for a passion. But I do know about moving for a cuisine. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I think if your partner, by the sounds of it, is so, like, come order. don't come and you can work remotely I think what's not said in this is also moving even if you weren't really like you're losing your friendship group the area you know also it is very frightening

having to figure out a new bureaucratic system but she said she's so excited about the idea she's just nervous so you have to give it a go and I think you can delay decisions like this go like I'm going to move there until Christmas yeah for three months I agree I want to be and also you never set up some work stuff before you go I Because then you have some work stuff. Don't just go and then be like, oh, I'm there and I'm just with him and his work stuff. And language is very intimidating. But if you are working remotely, there's like every, it might be a city.

If it's not, then forgive me. But they have evening courses where you can do like beginners Italian. And it can just be one night a week, two nights a week. And you can just go and get the basics. And also the best way to make friends in a new city. Because if everyone else is learning it, they've usually just arrived as well. Have you heard of Duolingo? because I've never used it yeah but people say it's good yeah

we could tell because you called a jua lingo because you're not that no I think that person opens for duolima it's uh duolingo but I love you for it so much oh baby harry is what's it's juo yeah yeah okay all right what does it mean it means both languages okay yeah that makes sense I'd imagine yeah I was probably just doing an accent maybe yeah i was just doing it i was doing it in the accent sorry sorry i'm really sorry i'm really sorry

because helen's moved into that laugh that when she does it to me makes me want to kill her because it's bullying it's bullying yeah yeah she's found the thing she's ran with it yeah it's bullying it's run with it yeah it's bullying it's bullying and it's cruel and it's not nice. I'm going to leave a snail of voice now. It's not nice. No, Helen, we're going to finish this problem for Ellen. Any other advice? Join a clowning troupe in Italy.

Troop. I'm going to do it. Or where are you saying that there's a, where do you know there to be English language clowning? I know they're definitely in Rome. Great. Lovely Italian comedian who is a comedian doesn't do clowning but also knows the clown community.

Felipe Oparifico. Amazing. Who I started with in Berlin. them. It's very funny, very lovely man. Okay, cool. But there is a community there. I know that Lara Ricotte, I think, maybe knows a couple of them.

But yeah, I'm not going to name everyone. Okay, well, just message Helen, if that's the case, that's so exciting. Or get them to email us back and then you can put them in touch, Andrew. That's exciting. And I'd watch Eat, Pray, Love as well, just if we're doing serious really quickly.

At the beginning of that, she goes to Italy and she makes some lovely friends and learns about Atraversiamo. But doesn't she put on like three pounds? Ugh. I think she does. But then the message of it, which I think was the first for those films, was that she was like, oh, I don't want to eat pizza.

I keep on gaining weight. And then her friend just goes, well, then what's the problem? And she's like, my jeans don't fit. And she's like, okay, so we'll go buy new jeans. Wow. Nice. Okay, so you're going to want to put in some gene buying time. But that's fine.

Not necessarily. Not if you go with maternity jeans. You're just going to do whatever you want. No, just you. It's fresher there, the food, I think. Forget your body. Just enjoy yourself. I was just fucking around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. because you seriously suggested it you pray love so i just wanted just to get the lessons from that it's a wonderful film okay yeah wasn't there some scandal about the author of that book elizabeth gilbert yeah what about i feel like there was everything oprah endorses always turns out to be actually evil do you ever notice that she wrote a book about marriage and how great her no about her great relationship and then as it came out they broke up oh that's fine so i think she had to Is that it? That's fine. I just remember that, but...

That's fine. There's a scandal about setting her book in Russia and it's very sort of not great towards the Ukrainian betrayal of things, yeah. That's different, that's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or does that mean that we don't have to read any Russian books anymore? Yeah. Like war and peace and stuff, that's out.

Dostis off the table, yeah. Thank fuck, because I just looked so long, but you feel like you should. Yeah, you just had it on your bedside table. Yeah, oh, thank God I can start with this, yeah. I guess is he, pray, love again. Oh, no. Oh, thank God. I've been working my way through War and Peace every evening.

Oh, my God. I'm filing her feet, reading her own peace. Seville coming in, flipping on the skin. Filing her hooves. Filing my three out of five hooves. Oh, my God. Harriet Kemsey, you've been an absolutely amazing guest. I believe you're going to the Edinburgh Friends.

I'm going to Edinburgh for two weeks. The first two weeks of The Fringe. Fabulous, where will you be? I'm at the Monkey Barrel at 6.10, I think, from the 31st of July until the 12th of August and then going on tour. And can you tell us to please what the show is called? It's called Everything Always Works Out for me because last year it didn't. Amazing. Yeah, it's just all these stupid things that happened.

As I was living them, I thought this is going to be really funny in hindsight for other people. And I know everyone knows this already, but Harriet is genuinely the funniest comedian in the world. An astounding comedian. Like incredibly, like genuinely funny off stage and on stage. It's ridiculous, but what good shows you make. And so incredibly smart as a writer, you never see the punchline's coming. It's always like, there we were going there. It's amazing.

She's a genius and you should genuinely go see her. But I would definitely book in advance for Harriet, like 100% because it's going to sell out and then you're going to be like, I didn't listen to Hemmer and Catherine. Yeah, I do agree. I've told every single one of my friends go to Edmere to go see you. You're on my list. Yeah, it's going to be great. now. Oh yeah, yeah, 100% buck now.

Because otherwise you get annoyed at us later and we fucking said. We did say and but they'll be like, did she say Chumartre? She did it. She did it. I'm sorry. They were going to help themselves. They've got to help themselves. Oh God.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I'm mean to you. I'm just trying to live my life just getting fairies and just at all turns and just chaos. That fairy story was one of my favourite thing. Go see you. Give it up for Harriet Kelly. everybody

thank you so much to our executive producers sat in their land as I imagine them to be Simon Moore's Guy Goodman Annie Tonner Stephanie Catrache Oliver Jago

Anthony Conway Neil Redmond Madeline Quinn and Grace O'Reilly Thank you guys so much It's amazing that so many of you have been here for so long you've watched us grow

Learn to walk, learn to talk Learn to use a toilet Thank you so much to our producers It's come on Let's sing it all together Richard Bicknell L, Richard Bold, Sadie Cashmore, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby Wharf, Luke Bright, Kate, Becky Fox, Tim and Dom,

Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Tristan, Tres, Tass, Charlie A, KC, Tamsin Smith Harding. What a fun spelling of Tamzin. Unless it's not Tamzin, in which case, apologies, Tamzine. Claire O'N Jones, Harold Van Dyke, David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R, Sarah and Molly, Tina Lindsay, Lear Overend, Always Fun, Hannah J, Jam, Rainbird, a bird that only flies and the rain, a bit of banter there. Nathan Smith, Liz Fort, Clow, Antony. That was

for the other Anthony. Antony, for this one regular. I don't know. Sophie Chivers, Schiavers, we've never figured it out. Carrie Sooth, we don't know. We're at sea. Dean, Michael, Amanda McCall. Relation of Davina, maybe. We don't know again. Thank you so much. Thank you all. One and all.

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