Trusty Hogs - Ep153. JOHN TOTHILL / Dublin, Delays & Debauchery

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

We're bringing you back-to-back guests this week with the absolutely hilarious John Tothill! From John's medical drama, to Helen & Andrew's airport drama, to Catherine's comedy-drama movie recommendation, this was a very dramatic (and very funny) episodes... FOLLOW JOHN: @JohnTothillTOUR TICKETS: www.trustyhogs.com/tourThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Grace O'Reilly / LilyPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Graham Marsh / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate Spencer / Tristin / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Nathan Smith / Amanda McCall / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah J / Ezra Peregrine / BrynWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Sox are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of super comfortable Bombas socks, you're also donating a pair. Bombas customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you 150 million times, but we only have like 30 seconds. Go to Bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's BOMBAS.com and use code audio at checkout. Bonjour, bienvenu at Trustee Huggs. Helen, mongue croissant,

now, so she is not able to participate. I adore the croissant. But consequently, it's a fringe podcast until she has finished of croissant. And also yesterday I watched the rest of Emily and Paris. And wow, that show still ship, but my God, I love it. Wow, I love it so much. It's such trash. Have you finished?

No. No, it's not finished. I'm going to A croissant Yeah And now A moment For favor

No It's gotten Wait did you get Did you get a One One A A minute

Yeah Yeah It's please It's finished Yeah Okay Well, Welcome

I don't I can tell That was really good Thank you Thank you very much I So rarely have just like a plain quassant.

Oh, I thought you met my friend. You met your croissant. No, your croissant. Oh, no, that was wonderful. That was wonderful. I should have started with that. Say, Trey-Jeante.

Is that a thing? I've never heard such a heavy accent that's not even yours imposed on a different language. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're gonna give me your problems and they will solve them

or maybe they won't and that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White On the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the Trustee Huggs Trust the Trusty Hongs

Or maybe not Oh, Helen, you've had to Well actually, hello, welcome to Trusty Huggs This is the podcast about our perfect lives Where we answer all of your honestly Tuxy Problems, we hope you're okay But in the meantime More tricky at the lives

Thank you for throwing those out Yes, thank you so much for coming to the lives. Wow, we thought you were giving us your all in email, but no, goodness, me in person, you have got even bigger issues and we honestly hope you're well. It's just the Irish. That was tough, wasn't it? We did our Dublin tour show, and it was a blast.

I was so glad to be in Ireland. Also, I'm feeling very Irish at the moment, but we'll get to that. More than I will be speaking Irish today. Let's just go through every language in the world today. I think that'll be so fun. Okay, good idea. We'll just like work our way through from top to bottom And we'll just see where we end up

Okay so here's the thing Top to bottom gosh that's gonna be tricky So you work with like the languages that start with an A Top of the Alphabet as opposed to top of the world Or top of the world What is at the top of the world I know I was like Canadian

Icelandic I guess Icelandic I don't speak that No either do I but I went there Oh dear Yikes Okay look further down Or maybe Russian will actually be top Maybe above

got anything? Da. You're going to have to do some heavy lifting. That's good that you did it. Next. Finnish. Fiatta. Fiatur.

What's next? Well, I guess all the Scandies and then we're into Canada and... Nice. I love me. Greenland, which is technically Danish. Thank. It was Danish. Is it no longer?

I hope not. I don't think so. Does it feel good whenever our European countries like, that are still us. I think you just meant like, I think you meant the language as Danish rather than, I thought you meant it was owned by the Danes. It is owned by the Danes.

Still. Yeah. Let it go unless they want it, in which case leave it. No, they should. Unless you got to let it go. We don't know.

We don't know. I think you genuinely know. I think we know. I think we know. I think we know that. But they might not. Like don't the Canadians love having the king or queen? Oh, but they took...

Hello? Sorry. I'm just getting really deep into Greenland geopolitics. It's still part of Denmark, but it's not part of the EU. They had a Greenland, like, Brexit. Brexit means Brexit. But they're still part of Denmark. But they still have a self-rule government.

So where they could, they took back individual power, but weren't allowed to from the Danes. Is that right? Yeah, that's what it seems like. Interesting. And also, Danish has been removed as a language, so I was wrong on that. Fascinating. So what language do they? speak. Greenland language. Um, Greenlandic. Greenlandic. Greenlandic. Wow. Can you give us a phrase in

Greenlandic, please, Andrew? Greenlandic. Is a lot of like forest, turquoise. Um, aloo. Alloo. Alloo. Aaloo. Alloo. Alloo. Let us know. Listening in Greenland. We could do with a lot of education on the matter, it seems. Oh my God. Imagine we've got a Greenlandic. Yesterday I learned that an indigenous language dies every 40 seconds. Is it every 40 seconds or every 40 days? every 40 seconds. Maybe it was 40 days, but I think it was every 40 seconds at the end of the kneecap film.

We'll get back to that anyway. Oh my God, that's awful. Yeah, it was incredibly sad. Every two weeks. For two weeks. The stat at the end of the kneecap film was not that. But that's fine.

Maybe it's every, like, every two weeks is fucking terrible. Oh no, an indigenous language dies every 40 days. Yeah, okay, that's what I thought. Yes. Every 40 days makes way more sense than 40 seconds.

Yeah, 40 seconds felt like, wow. They're all gone. Yeah. Like at the end of this, podcast it's over yeah and we're all speaking bloody english am i right here we go bloody is the word so tell me what were we going to know the reason we brought up okay no wait we don't hang on one thing at a time okay that's never been the trusty hogs well welcome to the podcast we went to

Dublin we had a lovely tour show they brought us Toblerones with trusty hogs written on crazy sick as hell thank you so much you legend you know who you are who gave me those bags oh my god that man was awesome he brought us bags that were themed to Gilmore girls filled with treats one of which was a trusty hogs a Toblerone so fucking cool I've never had a named Toblerone before it was sick it was so long it was so sick Gilmore girls coloring books hello don't mind if we do thank you very much and then we went out with our friends which are so gorgeous in Dublin to the mint bar in the Weston I went to Cassidy's which was great and then while we were on stage my flight was

cancelled and Andrew very sweetly got me on the 7 a.m. which meant that because we stayed out until 1 a.m. I had three hours sleep. I thought I had the worst of it, but I was like, fuck, I got to the airport and it was laid by an hour and I thought, fucking hell, this has been a nightmare. Got home around 10 o'clock and I thought, well, poor old Catherine. And then, my God, not to be outdone, never to be the biggest, the smallest victim in a scenario. Sweet Helen Bear and Andrew White had a fucking awful time of it. We suffered.

A much worse time. We suffered. We suffered. Catherine had landed and was back in her own bed. Yeah. whilst we and Andrew saw our first delay of the day. Oh, God, tell me, well, so your flight was meant to be at 11. It was pride before a fault.

It was supposed to be at 11.20, but we... And you sent me pictures of your breakfast. Yeah, we were too smart. This is, okay, this is exactly, this is what happened from my perspective. Catherine's flight gets cancelled. Catherine and me go to have drinks with our friends. Andrew's trying to sort out the flight, so I stay outside with Andrew trying to sort out the flights, and a ginger girl starts talking to us, and I'm like, oh, God, they're everywhere here, right?

Turns out is a cousin of Catherine's, but I thought she was just doing that. Irish thing of like I'm one of the cousins and it's like of course you are because of the red hair is actually a cousin. What is happening? It's fucking mental. We were just on the street in Dublin. Shout out to Philomena. She's the loveliest one. Also she's called Philomena. My grandmother was called

Filmmina. That's mental. It's so Irish and it reminds me of that Judy Dentch film. Filomena. Filomena. It really reminds me of that. I don't know how I make that connection in my head. Weird, eh? So we'd like Maybe because she seems like she's been to New York and that's her with Philharmonic play and then

and maybe that took you and then like there's a lot of Americans go to New York so maybe that got you back to Ireland that must be it or is the name

Filomena linked to the Philharmonic must be it couldn't possibly be the film in Ireland what does Philomena mean

oh film what there's another link to the Irish film film we don't all say film

because you saw a film I saw a film you saw a film you saw a film they say film in the North East as well it's charming

but we did that and then like we went back to the hotel altogether like me katherine andrew and um i was giving it all of the fucking mouth like oh katherine's got to be up in a couple of hours and like did that thing of like making the plan in front of katherine with andrew like do you want to just like meet in the lobby at like 845 and then like have like a really slow breakfast at the airport we'll send your pickie for my breakfast katherine and katherine's there being like oh yeah but like clearly getting more and more aggravated i was just anxious that i had to get up in three

hours and you were still talking to me. Oh, you were very anxious. It was so funny. And I was like, oh, this is going to be so charming, Andrew. What a lovely morning for us to spend together. And, like, Catherine's there going, like, stop talking. I want to get to bed. And being like, well, I'll be in my bed at this time. And it's like, who gives a fuck what you're doing? We're thriving. Yeah. We get to the airport. Andrew, never been through Dublin Airport before. Charmed. Charmed. Which part were you charmed by? The outdoor smoking area. Big fan to go into the terrace and forget I was in an airport. We loved it and the state of people in there at 8am.

Oh, we worked up a good bit. We're like, oh, why don't more airports have terraces? And it's like, oh, maybe they don't because of the linguistic confusion between terrorists and terrorists. Especially the way you say, yes. We had a lot of time to work on that, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. It's important. We laugh.

It feels like the only the kind of thing. Only two white people could joke about it in an airport, but okay, yes. We were giggling. Terrorists are terrorists. It's like, those are white people, yeah, go on. I like the food court. I like the Irish Tats shop. It was nice.

It was all good fun. I took him to the tat shop, you know, with the, not, they don't have the carols at the airport. The equivalent in the airport, yeah, yeah. I showed him the lighters that I love, the little leprechawn with the airfold. What did you, did you go to Butler's? No. You're crazy. We went to the one, Ockette, the Marquette with all the different.

You had all those hours after I told you to go to Butler's in the airport. We went, we, we had a lot of chalky on us from the hogs. There enough, that's there. And we had, oh, God, it was charming, wasn't it? It was like, it was a proper canteen breakfast, like Irish women. You send me picks, yeah? serving like like you can have four tings from the hot plates like and two toast like it was just great but was it with it like specific Irish yeah and Andrew went really clever because you went like

eggs beans toast sausage and hash brown yeah and a hash brown had a breakfast yeah well yeah like yeah like a normal person and I was like what did you do I was like four sausages please no yeah because I did you want to make a sausage sandwich that's the thing delicious in the taxi when we're going to the airport I was saying like I think I really want a hot meat sandwich a hot meat sandwich with a clump of crust I'd have gone three sausages and one egg if I'm honest no no no because then that would have been or a bacon just to like but if you have sausages and egg right in a sandwich and I get it but it's like then where are you with the ketchup as well so egg and ketchup for me no no because that's two wets okay so I want to have the

sausage with the ketchup but turns out the sausages and she was charmed by me she was like do you want the well done ones and I was like I guess like because you don't want the ones that like pink to the point where like you know the pink. I don't think those are the two options that's what she said. I don't think it's rare or a well done

sausage wise. I think it's been sat here long enough well done or it's like just freshly stuff. Oh she fuck me either. No I'm sure she was charmed by you. Yeah no she was it she fancied me 100% she's like what mid 60s do you think? Yeah yeah she was brilliant. Brilliant. Oh, that's a new thing

that Helen's doing by the way. She's saying brilliant a lot. Oh, it's brilliant. Brilliant. We went around the boots and she was going, oh, that's brilliant.

Yeah, I can see how the Irish would be charmed by you. Go on. So far so English. And we had that and we were thriving and then we get a delay

and it's like, what, 30 minutes first? So it pushes it back from 1120 to 12, yeah. Oh my God. Andrew's honor to the second. Oh, I think it moves it back from 11,

22 to 12. The first initial delay was 40 minutes. And at this point, I'd like to pass you over to Andrew White, who went through possibly every emotion, including excitement for most of the day. Andrew, please take it away. Well, so it went push back to 12, like, fine, whatever. We'll just sit here and do some work. It's now worth getting my laptop out. And then it went from 12 to 12.30. And I'm thinking, okay, that's annoying. We might have to have a second coffee. And then it immediately jumps to 1.30, like within the space of five minutes.

Holy shit. I'm fine this entire time. We're now at the two-hour... Are you? Yeah, because it's like, we'll get there eventually. I also had a gig to get back to that evening. So yes, that's another factor. But this is you.

You are so chill until you're absolutely panic-attacking. There's no in between. Helen's like, it's fine, yeah. There's probably just a little problem and like, I can go for a walk, I can do a bit of shopping. I actually wanted to get some work done. And then it's like the last minute to be like, I can't be here any longer.

Am I predicting it right? That's literally bang on. I have three phone calls, but I just I was just like, it's okay, they'll wait. Yeah, yeah. They'll wait, yeah. Once we hit the two-hour delay mark, they have to provide you food and drink in the airport.

And he's now looking excited, to be fair. Oh, wow. Yeah, he honestly looked a little sexual just then. Here we go. Voucher's incoming. How much of a voucher do you think Ryanair sent us? You've been there for two hours. It's usually some bullshit like 15 euro or something.

Four euro. What? Four euro. Four euro each, yes, sorry. And I bought hell of you meant tomorrow's four euro. Myself a smoothie and had paid the 36 cents extra myself. Because God forbid Ryanair pay 36 cents. And what did you say to the person who served you?

God forbid. I said exactly that. I went up and I said, oh, excuse me, do you know how I can spend my insultingly low food voucher? She said, oh yeah, I just need to scan your boarding pass. And yeah, it was awful. And then it keeps getting pushed back. And then eventually take off is... It's important to take out Ryanair's systemic.

issues on some poor server at the coffee stand. Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh, she actually found him funny. She liked Andrew. Oh, that's nice. Okay, that's nice. Go on. So I think I wanted somebody, in my mind, she was representative of the airport and an authority

figure. So if she laughed at me and, like, acknowledged that it was crap, then that would ease my anger. Okay, that's the bottom. We had a chat about that as well, because I wasn't as outraged as Andrew was, which wasn't fair on him, because then he doesn't get to be, like, fully outraged. because I'm like, oh, it's fine. Like, so then he got a worker to like fulfill the role of friend, which I thought was special.

You couldn't have stepped up for that? I should have done. Yeah. I missed it and I should have stepped up. Okay, go on. Then they start boarding, that's all right. Start boarding the plane. The amount of women we make Andrew hate,

even though he doesn't, I've never met them. I mean, feminism. Go on. We start boarding the plane at around, well, probably about two-ish at this point. Yeah. As long as we take off in the next hour or so. I'll still make my gig. Yeah.

We get on the plane, the captain comes over, mumbling. No diction. In all fairness, the captain was an absolute useless piece of shit. He really was. You said that like you were going to defend him and then you were like, in all fairness, absolutely useless pieces of shoes. He was terrible. Not a leader.

That's what the Irish woman was saying. Yes, this is the thing. Once we got onto the plane, I had to take a back seat because I didn't think my middle class white English voice would help the situation. And that's exactly when we needed you Charming Irish voices The fucking state of those ones

At the front of the plane Huh? Well We need context We weren't on the plane So what happened was We got on the plane The pilot goes

We'll put him about two hours And everyone was like Sorry what And then the S2S was like You have to do that again So he comes on and goes Are we just waiting for Air Traffic Control window

There's lots of traffic around Gatwick We're exploring going to be sat here For about two hours No On the plane packed in And it was like A sold out flight

But like oversold in the way that there were like lots of babes and arms as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was full. And then we're going to wait there for two hours. Why couldn't you wait in the terminal? I know. This is what everyone was saying.

Why did you get us on the plane? You know we're not going to take off. They took away the stairs as well. Yeah. He was so trapped. Is this when you start to panic? Because you get on a label to smoke either. No, I was fine.

Were you okay? I was, I didn't. Helen was thriving. I was like, I had a nice couple next to me. And I was like trying to avoid. avoid the eye contact at first but there was no way she was clearly like you put your sunglasses on in the play sunglasses on headphones on being like let me just go to my mind palace yeah yeah let me just have a nice time yeah and um but she she needed to like just like be chatting so like we had a

lovely time um mainly that she was discussed at the lack of leadership and we were talking about people were being mean to the air stewardesses even though there was one air stewardess who was like not having it from anyone and I kind of loved her for it. She was like, I'd say 19, 20 years old or something. What? And she was like, it's not her fault, right? But everyone's going to think it's her fault.

Yeah. And she was answering back, left, right and center. And then she went and hid and I fucking loved her. And the eye from next to me was like, good for her. Good for her. What kind of thing are we talking? People would be like, what the fuck are we supposed to do now? Like, when are we even going to arrive?

Can you tell us it's definitely two hours? Like what we're supposed to do? And she's like, I don't. don't know either. And then people would be like, you're representative for Ryanair? She's like, no, I'm not. Wearing the Ryanair uniform just being like, I don't even know Ryanair. I've never heard of Ryanair.

I loved her. I was totally charmed by her. She was probably the most honest person on the plane. She was like, we don't know if we'll ever leave. And then Andrew gets chatting to, so we're not, it's like Ryanair's, we didn't pay to like pick where we see. Yeah. But we're quite close.

each other so I can see Andrew when I turn around. And Andrew's next to two lovely women. Do you want to tell us? Sally and Eleanor, yeah. Sal, to Sally and Eleanor. They now follow Trusty Hogg. They do, yes. Thank you very much. Loll, of course you were. Good for you getting followers on the play. No, he started, I heard him say, I had my headphones in, but I heard him

say Helen and Catherine at one point and I was like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. And then like an hour later, I was like, oh, maybe he's out of the comedy chat now. Like, this be okay. And I like took my headphones out and I heard, would I lie to you or Rob Bryden or something? And I was like, No, not doing it. Kath on, sunglasses up, headphones on, wow. Don't speak to me sign,

personalised tent. Wow, so then did you get off two hours later? So, yeah, about just over two hours. Yeah, about two hours, 20 minutes we took off. Yeah. Far. And but towards the front of the plane, there was a real frackar.

Somebody bought a bottle of vodka in Duty Free and they cracked it open. They were the ones that were fucked next to us in the terminal. Do you remember the guy that nearly sat on my lap and was like, sorry! You're on my lap. Yeah, they were already fucked. They were like absolute, and Irish, I feel like that's important to say.

Very Irish. Uh-huh. But they, um, they sort of, like, the, we were in the, like, the angry end of the plane. Right. Like, that was sort of like, a bit righteous, but trying to be, like, reasonable. And, like, we were all letting each other go to the, like, giving to the space, like, asking for waters, if we could, please. Yeah. And the front plane, they got out heads up, you know, the game.

It was Lord of the Flies, obviously. It was, yeah. Oh, my God. He's going to call it Lord of the Flies. It does, that. of it like if somebody's opening vodka at like 2pm it went feral in the front section the woman next to me was like well thank god we're not up there i wish you would stop doing the accent okay that was the last one that was the last one either do it well or don't do it at all and i don't

seem like the first is an option but the only way i can get it well is to practice i don't think that's true i think you could listen you could listen listen yeah maybe listen first and then practice okay well she said the woman next to me like oh thank god we're not up there and i was like you're bloody telling me I wouldn't like it up there either but then I got interested so I did go up and have a little look at the game for a bit

but um You went to go up and have it like Just a little look and a little one So that makes it sound like you For in my head for some reason The vision was like You know when people make hens fight Or like chickens

What is that cock fighting? Thank you I was like Hens chickens, cocks Jesus Wow I'm gay I was like what is the one that they make fight cock fighting where you're like up

gambling on it What do you mean you went up to have a watch? I just like just you know I was standing up for a bit just having a little look around. People weren't standing around and making bets or anything. And then,

no, I don't think so. I just wanted to stretch my legs because it's very tight on Ryanair. So my knees were like in the feet in front like they're constantly like making contact and like being squished. So what time were you meant to get home? We were meant to get back at 1240.

What time did you get home? We landed just before seven. Yeah, I got home about eight. Yeah. Oh my God, I should have sent you a picture of my dinner. I missed my weekend in show. It was awful. Andrew lost money.

I didn't lose anything. But, but, but, it was awful. It was, I missed those phone calls. Which I'm going to be coming in right now as we just saw, which I will be ignoring. Oh, bless. Until later today. But, um, yeah, it was, it was chaos, wasn't it? It really was.

Yeah, it was, it was interesting to see people go through like stages of grief and like, the approach of just craziness and anger. Yeah. Uh, the woman next to me at one point. So when we got in, they were like, we can't do the trolley service. They were great, those two women. Because we can't turn on the card machines until half an hour after the doors closed. And everyone's like, card machines, I'll beg your fucking pardon.

Yeah, why would we be buying the stuff? Is that what you mean? Yeah, exactly. It meant to be providing us for food and drinks. So everyone's like, oh, can I spend my vouchers? And they're like, no, they're just for in the terminal. Fuck off! And then the woman next to me goes.

So if we order a water, you have to pay for it. and the woman goes, yeah, and she goes, I'd like a water, but I'm not going to pay for it. And she goes. She took it and then said, I'm not going to pay for it. No, no. She says, she says, I can pour you a glass from my own personal water. So she goes and pours a glass of water for this woman. It was just, it was all, that was one of the bleakest moments.

Another woman did get a free water at one point. Did you know if you thought it was during, like, the two hours we were sitting in the tarmac. What the fuck is wrong was mine? And then her daughter started crying. It was awful. And I did buy a tea. Yeah. Did you?

When they came around with a trolley when we were in the air, I was like, because we didn't have any lunch with us or anything, right? Because we got on the plane and I was like, oh, like we'll be taking off. So we had like no food.

But in the terminal. What was it on if you'd take it and said, no, I'm not going to pay? Nothing. Yeah. Yeah. They were just nightmares.

And also like they've only got like one crap sandwich. So it was like, it was just like at one point in the terminal as well, Andrew went to get a drink and I was like, oh, can I have a packet of crisps? And when he handed them to me, He went, mark my words, Helen Bauer. Ryanair will be paying for these Chris.

Because this is like post voucher. Oh, that's so sexy. And then Andrew starts furiously messaging me because he is on, what were you, like, eighth email draft by the time we took off. I was in a note sap just sort of working out. So he is figuring out how to get full compensation, right? Yes, Andrew. Andrew, any updates on the saga?

So you can't, if you go onto the Ryanair website and try and claim compensation, it says they're still under investigation. My loves, I do think we've gotten into the weeds of this now and I'd say the point is that we were late but if we go through your actual compensation claim I think the listener might have at this point turned off the podcast. Andrew.

I'm sorry. I'm not, Andy. I know Andy. This is an actual subject. It's fair. I said to you, I said to Helen in the airport like I'd love to like a Joe Lysick consumer show but it would just be very boring

because it would just be me just reading out litigation like very dryly. Yeah. Although I did give one tip. which I like to share, which is whenever I do compose an email draft about for conversation, parking tickets, deposit disputes,

anything. What I'll always do is I'll always include an insane line, like a line that is like what mad person has written this. So they know that I'm not to be fucked with. They're good as well. They're like reasonable insane. For example, we couldn't get my friend Danica and Joe,

they couldn't get their deposit back on their Edinburgh flat. And I drafted them an email talking about the fact that the door key was broken. and you had to turn it in an obscenely large number of times and it works they got their deposit back yes Andrew

a well done presenting is mental enough that people aren't going to get involved wow people are just like it's not worth it yeah yeah yeah wow this person has time on their hands I think that's what I really suggest

is to me is they've got time on their hands in a way that I don't have time on my hands so it's just fine fine fine my fine may I say this the reason I'm feeling so Irish is that yesterday I went to the cinema for the first time in ages and I went during the day of a Sunday

215 if you don't mind I remember because you text me saying I'll message you when I get out of 5 It was absolutely lost And I saw The best film I've seen in years maybe Kneecap Yes

And first of all I am going to do a little PSA If you're an English person Don't ask an Irish person If they've heard of kneecap The answer is yes If you've heard of kneecap

I swear to you they heard of them five years ago but um they're a irish-speaking rap group hip-hop group and they are like a i guess you would say they're like a nationalist uh voice and they are a they're a three-man band and this film is about their make the making of them and it is fucking brilliant also it's non-fiction no it's a fictionalized version of fact but they play themselves which when you watch it you're like I just like I knew it was them because I've seen the band but like I think it would be credible to be like these have to be actors like they're so so talented also it was hilarious brilliant informative and like

very very very comprehensive and smart and also just like beautifully made and also I don't know TG Cahar is this channel that makes all the Irish television shows and they made this film and it was so lovely being in an English cinema watching a TG camera production with people speaking Osweilga, rapping Osweilga and it has such like I find it so emotional

like I was like so it's so nice because Ellen's learning Irish so we spoke Irish all the way home stop oh my God she's learning to like that level yeah she's really good she's a genius she's really good she's got a really good ear and we're not bothering about written we're just doing conversation

and it's like it's helping so much but it was so nice that she already was doing that. I don't know, I felt like I really needed to speak Irish after it. Yeah. And it was so lovely. And it's just such a beautiful film and it's not anything that I expected it to be or anything I think you would expect it to be. And I can't recommend it enough if it's still in the cinema near you to go see it. It's just gorgeous. I said no to going with Snell and Nathan. I just realized they went to the picture house a month ago. But I had a gig. I was like, yeah, yeah, that's fun. But I think you can still see it and it's so good. Yeah. And I think you'd actually love it because it's an ode to many things but language is one of them also i didn't realize that

michael vassbender's a guelgore um like irish speaker yeah and he is really really good in it um it's just the whole everyone's performances are amazing it's so cool to see so many actors who are gwellgore's actually getting to act in a big film you know what i reckon i could go this week because i am it's honestly brilliant and i'll have time in the day perfect me cap okay i need to go then go that does sound beautiful it's honestly these, and it's so funny. Yeah? It's so, so, so funny.

Yes. But they are funny. Yes. Yeah. It was, I thought it was great. Should I listen to like any of their rap music before I watch it? Yeah, you should. Yeah?

Is it in Irish? Most of it's in Irish. It's a mix. Like their rap. It's like, no, no, I like, I like, I like, you know, like the Welsh language. Yeah. Voice Choir, male voice choir, their version of You Raise Me Up. Right.

Yes. This is not that. No, but it's like, you know, like a language if you don't understand it at all, but you're this is mainly rap by the same. drugs drugs yeah drugs drugs drugs drugs my goodness katherine yeah also they're all like to are they also this is a beautiful story arc about a moon thor a teacher who um i don't want to give it away wait teachers moonthal moon tour moon tour that's large but i just think oh my god it's just it's so fucking funny and good and like cartoonish and brilliant i can't talk i can't speak highly enough of it

and also the sweet popcorn at the Castle Cinema in Hackney, I believe to potentially be the best sweet popcorn on the UK market. Okay, you had a big Sunday. This feels like a lot of great things happening. They're borderline caramelised. That's how good they are. It's like,

I don't know if they're using brown sugar or what's going on. It's astoundingly good. I became a member on the spot. Which was actually worth it because it's actually cheaper to become the point is, I don't need to sell you on it. Wow, wow, wow. That's a big weekend. Yeah. I never get popcorn at the cinema, I should.

How do you resist it with that smell? I'm like, oh, it sucks because that doesn't exist anymore. I got, I want a cinema. I could not sit in the smell of popcorn. That's like to me going to the supermarket. You know those supermarkets that smell exclusively of bread? Yes, Liddle. And going in just getting literal.

It's like what? You have to at least buy food. Like, surely you're hungry now. Or go smell. Like put your head in it, you know, for a bit. What? Like, you know, the baking. Are people doing that?

No, Liddle. You've got like the bakery and you just like lift up the lid and get that waft of it but you're not putting your nose nearest not too near not near enough for it to be a health hazard but near enough for helen to like get a little like you know like a what so what's the first like like like um i don't like you know when you um you're a roller coaster and it goes down really fast and you get that funny feeling and you're in your tummy you're clit and you no only my tummy no but like a little i should never try and finish your sentences i'm so sorry like a little bit a little bit like it's tummy but it's like you know like i don't have the same reaction to rather

It's like, tell me down. No, but it's like a, like, you know what I mean? I would should stop winking at me. We have exactly, we have exactly opposite reactions to this. You know, when you're like, you know, when you're like, please stop winking. How are you not getting tired in that eye? You know, when you're like,

I don't know that I was having the queer awakening to oranges the new black as you were because I was in my mid to late 20s and kind of had figured it out. Remember the first time that you, um, when you got like a Nokia 33-10 and you found the vibrate setting. Gosh, you're a complicated one, did you? Hello? But also, it's so easy to get you off, it seems. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Again, the winking means nothing that I wish you'd stop. Surely you're hurting your eye. At this point, you've got... Is there a Twitch? Are you all right? Anyway, kneecap. Go see it. Touching a hauling.

It's beautiful. And... You know what? I had a similar experience at the cinema. In O'era, seriously. A pride of the country that your family are from and, like, the pride of the language. Did you see Lee?

I saw Lee. Fuck! I saw leave. Christ. Obviously, like, not the easiest watch as someone with German Heritage, but we... I went. And it's brilliant. That's what I'll say.

Is she gorgeous enough? She's so good, Catherine. Yeah, the poster is astounding. She looks sorry to say it, but, like, she's so fit. It is amazing. There's a lot of good stuff in the cinema at the moment. Yeah, that one with Demi Moore that's coming out, the, what's the substance or something that looks amazing?

I don't even know. I just seen her doing loads of press. I believe it's gory, but it looks so gory. The ad is like, fucking hell. You know what, you and Ellen are going to come around mine for a movie. Yeah. Maybe we should do like a cinema night instead. I'd love that.

Let's go see that. Let's go see like a gory film. Yeah, I'd love that. That'll be so fun. That would be nice. Let's all do that. Yeah. Okay, great.

I think, yeah, that looks brutal. Lee is brutal as well. It is fucking, like, is. I think it's like most Kate Winslet films, like, it's just, it's a lot. What nice if you stop halfway through. Yeah. I love Andy Sandberg. Yeah.

Thank you, Andrew. That was good stuff to be fair. That lovely film about the boat where she gets naked to the end. Just leave the cinema. Nice. Did you see that video of the, is it like a drag artist doing an impression of people

coming out of Titanic in 1997? No. Oh my God. It's, I think I must have watched it a million times. I sent it. to my friend Not me And it

You're not one of my Titanic friends I thought you're gonna be like You're not one of my friends Why don't we share it On the trusty hog story Yeah we'll send me the Instagram Ellen I put it on our story

That's so funny that you were going to play it Like as if people would be able to tell A very visual medium of drag Yeah And indeed video Andrew Listen to this lip sync Yeah

It is lip sync And also like A lot of it is visual Helen is an actual lip sync And you were going to play it on the pot. I can't with you. I can't. Were you 80 years old? My God. That was really fair. That was crazy

of you, my sweet love. But we go to, we watch films and we're very educated. Can I just say, I just got the most adorable text from our guest that reads Go on. Humiliated to say I'm 10 minutes early. And I think everybody speaks to the beautiful man we're ready to have on the podcast. Oh my God, should we just bring him on? We absolutely should. Yeah, we must.

Let's go get him. Please welcome to the podcast. It's the tremendous John Tot Hill. Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup out of lunchboxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market. store and online.

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It's John Toadhu. Oh, that felt like you were going to introduce a wrestler. How are you, John? I'm really good. I'm shaking with excitement. I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Helen, we met truly last week officially. Literally.

It's huge for the culture. Wait. You had not met before. Not even one time. Never. Not even as a joke. How is that possible? I know.

It's crazy. I've been following you online. I've been parasocally following you online. We've been following you online. We've never met. We've never gicked together. Keskel a fuck. I'm so, I'm embarrassed about,

because I was so nervous when I met you because famous of you were in a green room. Yes, we did. So nervous. And your listeners deserve to note, the presence of Helen Bauer in a green room is beautiful. It's the nice thing.

That's an interesting take. Yeah, no, I'm nervous. No, but no, truly, love. But I didn't feel, you became nervous after. I remember seeing you just before you're set and you were like, I'm now nervous. Yeah.

It was because it was a TV thing. It was like, what, a four-hour green room? Yeah. It was such a long green room. Anxious, horrified comedian. All of us like, I was so nervous. And also, I feel antisocial in those moments because you can't, you just, but in people are talking to you, but all you're hearing is, I wonder if I'll sweat through the shirt

that I brought. Why would I stink to wear that color? Do I even remember my set? Is anything I've ever written funny? Gosh, this is going to be emotionalized forever on the television. Exactly. And also running lines in my head. Someone coming up to me, one of the comedies came up to me and started making polite conversation.

I was fuming because I was like, can't you see it in my head I'm running my lines? Yeah. It's like, no, actually, you saw me actually quite quietly sitting in the, corner looking so upset. It's like the decent thing to do is to come over and say hello to me. Helen Bauer comes into the green room. Immediately everyone's at ease. It's insane.

I reckon we should get perspectives of everyone else. Put to office style, no one. People started crying. I can't even tell you it was like to the point where it was, there was a marked change because you were late. That's obviously fine. I was like 40. I'd approved it.

I'd approved it. I approved it. Were you the most? actually 15 minutes early for my late call time that was a pre-approved because I was the most experienced comic in the room is that what was happening no we'd all done it before but I mean had you been going the longest no you may have really no in my head I was like here comes the elder statesman of comedy I was like here she's shut there she's smashing it and it was like I was with like alice abackett king and with um emmanuel sonobie george

was there George Lewis George Lewis was there yeah yeah but then and we were all sat there making polite conversation with each other, lovely boys, on the record, lovely boys. We talked about magic. But no one's giving mumsy to the nervous energy vibes. Exactly. And Helen comes in and she, and her opening gambit is, so what was everyone's childhood hobbies? And I'm like, and in that moment, it's like, that's actually exactly what I needed. And it's what, and it's what, and it's what, and it's huge and I could have cried.

What was yours? What was yours? Clarenet. As a hobby, you'd have said. No, actually, thank you. Not as a hobby, as a fashion project. And as a potential career. Really?

I think the question was, my hobby was my A levels. Yeah, you don't. It seemed like a hobby's guy. No, like, seriously. All or nothing, kind of, honestly. The question was, what was your fang? Like, what was your fang? You said fang.

Like, what was your, like, what was the beat? Like, what was the fang? You said fang, the fang, bang, bang. And then we got emotional because it was like, what? Alastair Beckett King was like, oh, I did magic. I loved magic. And then George was obviously, like, football.

He was just like on the football team football boy. And then John was obviously like a little clarinet dweeb. And I was like, isn't it beautiful? No, he said dweb. many, I said it, you were crying at that point. And I was like, isn't that beautiful that all of these people, like, they would have been beaten up by one of them and now they're all just here nervous together and I thought that was such a lovely thing.

That is a lovely thing. It was suddenly, it was like, well, this is now the most moving conversation I've had in my adult life. It was very, it was in a green room. Extraordinary, unbelievable. And then you killed it. I enjoyed that so much. Yay. Thank God.

And then, because I was on first, I could enjoy the rest of the night. Yeah, so by the time you'd. decompressed, I was like, I get nervous, like the person before me goes on. Yeah. Also, can we say, John Tottle, if anybody deserved a nice gig post-Edinburgh, twas yourself, for, you went to the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Festival

with your second show, entitled. Thank God this lasts forever. And I have heard nothing but the greatest praise about this show because my sweet partner, Ellen, was doing a little bit of work on it and would come into the bedroom and be like, the following 12 things are the funniest things I've ever heard said out loud by a person and I was like, wicked, I'm also starting my show in 2.8.50

to just chill out. Yeah, and she was just so abusive about it. And then we got to the festival and I'm so excited to see you. And then? Then, yeah, I got very sick. You really got very sick. I got very sick.

Tell the list of because they don't know. So I, so the actual timeline of it was after, I think I did four shows. Yeah. And then on the fifth day, I had, like, very bad stomach pains. I thought I was constipated. It happens. It does happen.

Although it does happen at the Edinburgh frame. It's usually the other way around. It really is often the other way around. And actually, weirdly, this Edinburgh, because last Edinburgh was like a sort of, was a write-off in terms of debauchery. I was just a shocking, drinking every day as hell. Yes. It was your first show, right?

For a show. Can you say debauchery again? Diborchery. Charming. Isn't it lovely? Yeah. I'll say it on every podcast. I say every five minutes.

But, like, truly, I was being so well behaved. In fact, those four days, I was like, I was one of the healthiest periods of my life. Suddenly felt so sick. It's mad that one of the healthiest periods of your life could be four days long. Yeah, of course. That is a lot of debauchery, isn't it, John? Go on. For four days, I behave like a monk.

I don't know why I'm not. A goddess yet. Go on. Go on. And then on the fifth day, it's biblical, isn't it? And on the fifth day, suddenly so much pain had to cancel the show that night. went actually to A&E that night, but it was like a six-hour wait

and after about three hours, I was like, imagine if I'm just constipated, how embarrassing that would be. So then I took myself home again. It's very embarrassing. Let me tell you that much. It's that really embarrassing. And then also I was talking to,

I phoned 111, and I was like, I'm in a lot of pain and they were like, yeah, like constipation is really painful. But, well, I phoned one-on-one because I'm not registered with a GP in Edinburgh, obviously. Right, of course. So it was between 111, A and E or nothing.

Fine. And so then I was like, it has to be the hospital or 11-1-1. phoned up one-one-one they were like constipation's really painful you're going to be fine after like three I then cancelled two shows and then on the third day I remember phoning up my mum and having like how bad is the pain and I remember like I would like I want to die like I would like I would like if someone came and shot me I'd be like that is actually merciful oh gosh John and then like a war horse like a horse in war because when they're in no I got it yeah yeah in world war one they'd have horses going in the

trenches, right? Member, member, member. And they'd shoot them. That's not the only context in which horses are shot. Most horses end up shot in the modern world. Of course they do. You don't leave a horse to die of old age, do you? And so it's not useful, you shoot it. Put out to pasture. Yeah. No, no, no, you don't put it out to pasture, you shoot it. What's putting out to pasture? You think, so are you saying that most horses are shot? Sorry, Andrew, are you getting involved in the podcast. What do you feel like? That's such a wild claim that most horses end up shot in the modern world. I think most, all, all work horses end up shot, right? Oh, no!

Really? John... I'm almost certainly wrong, but I'm doubling down. You really are doubling down. I love your confidence. And I want them shot. Do we feel that energy

that I'm bringing in? I want them shot. No, but to really... Good Lord. No, I don't know, but let's... Andrew, could you find that out for us, my sweet love? How many horses are shot

each year in Britain alone? How do we get that? It feels like race horses would also be put down, doesn't it? Surely? But surely a vet doesn't put them down by gone? No, absolutely fair play.

Obviously, you don't shoot them. Do you know what I just thought like, yeah, I would have reckoned like some sort of... Just stop feeding them. Wow. Isn't it an important time to say that once John was a teacher? No oats, no sugar, no eggs. No apples for you. Oh, no apples.

I know. I don't even like horses. It's really, it's quite the feat to tell this story and not come out the victim. Not to come out as an. empathetic character. It's like actually wow, wow, wow. And also, I think really remarkable that you did call your mother because no one else is going to tell if you're ill, because you are this pale all the time. Yes. And I understand. I have real empathy for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because no one's ever like, like, you're pale. I'm always like, don't you think I'm pale? And people are like, uh-huh. Yeah,

you're like, well, your face looks grey. And it's like, yes. Uh-huh. Good morning. Yeah. Please tell me, see, you go back to A&E. You must do. I was like, I want to die. And my mom was like, you say that when you lose your phone. She's like, you're not a, reliable narrator of your own pain. Oh my God, John. Right? Well, what is your mom's name? She's Anne.

Anne is savage. I've got an Anne. Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nice. Imagine to find out we're related now. I see John as your mother's son. I could see that.

I could see that. She ran a drama school from her own living room. God, that's nice. Do you know what I'm saying? That explains her. Yeah. So your name. Now, in severe pain, you've already been to any once,

but you left off the three hours. Yes, out of embarrassment. Your mom's like, you seem a little dramatic. Yeah. And also, to be absolutely clear, like, my mum is right. Yeah. Like, I'm not a reliable narrator of my own pain. And that was a lot of all of these,

a lot of all these problems stemmed from. I do not have a high pain threshold. I have, I think, an average pain threshold, but I am so dramatic. It's so tempting, though. I even went to, no, no, no, we must. What's happened? You said I have an average pain threshold

and we both went to sort of pinch you, just to think, but we're not supposed to do that. But then I said that would be not sensible, but Helen Wentford. Go on. That's so interesting that was your mutual instinct. We like pain. That's good, it's good. But you know how like when you go to hospital,

they ask you to rank your pain between one and ten, which I realize now is not, is actually more about so that they can get a sense of how much your pain is changing. It's not really that they think you can objectively measure your own pain. But they think that you can trace whether you go from a five to an eight or whatever, and that's interesting to that.

it's interesting to them. They're fascinated by me. They're obsessed with me. But then I but I wanted to say it's a 10 but I was like it's a 5 but that's because you know what it's like

you don't want But also you don't know what a 10 is Exactly. I'm like well I'm not actually being shot Am I? No no And also you're like aware People are like giving birth

in the other room Right? Like there's a car crash downstairs You don't want to be like In fact that's my mum was like Well you've never had a period And I was like that is true I actually haven't

obsessed with Anne for bringing me to the conversation. She's like, you're not a reliable narrative. You have never had the pain that I felt. The day you were bored, now that was a 10. Okay, Anne, Jesus. Truly, truly, truly. And anyway, to cut a long story even longer, after the third day of pain,

the pain started, it went away. And I was like, okay, well, this is amazing. It's gone. I can get back on stage. I hadn't pooed. Okay. So, like, by this point, I'm now, like, over a week without proper pain.

Oh, that's too long. Wait, you've given yourself constipation psychosomatically, or that's a consequence of what is going on? That's right. It's a natural side effect of what happens. Because I then went back on stage, say it with me, five times. Five times. Feeling really, really unwell, but not in physical pain, but just like with a high fever.

In that way that for an hour a day, you can time pain relief just about enough. You're really determined to do it. You can. So worried about losing money, all the, yeah, all the usual stuff. Of course, bleeding money at the friend having canceled all these shows. It was like hundreds of pounds a night coming out. I just need to keep doing this. Yeah.

And then. it got to my day off, which was like halfway through the run, and I was still feeling really bad, and my temperature had got very, very high. And so I went back to the A&E, and I was like, okay, I'm promising myself that I'm going to stay here until I'm seen by someone. They took my blood, so they were like, yeah, you're not,

this isn't constipation, like there's an inflammation going on. And they were like, we're going to scan you for appendicitis to make sure that it isn't that, but it won't be that, because if it had been that, you'd be dead by now. So I was like, okay, fine. Do we see the dramatic irony in this? Yes, we're cooking with this. And so I went in for this

It was it called a CT scan Have you ever had one? Sure, yes probably It's the one where like you go into the tube Yes, okay, yes So fun I thought so too People are always like

Oh my god I get to a cross aerobic I immediately I'm having a great time and then fall asleep from excitement Yeah, so nice actually Finally a climate that I can control Yes, oh my God Yeah

And warm So as they put all those waves through you It becomes very very warm Oh my God Oh when they put the liquid in you that like makes you feel like you've pissed yourself but also I've never been in one of these I don't think I've been in one of these what did I go in an MRI scan oh yeah you're in there for a while aren't you this was quicker I think and anyway they came back and they they were like the surgeons

came back with a big smile on their face in that way that's not unappealing way that doctors can be like you know sort of like we've got something fun to tell you and they were like they were like your appendix has not just like it hasn't just like burst it has their words are obliterated They were like, it's fallen apart, and you're going into septic shock. And they were like, you're... Why are they smiling, John? Because I think it's just nice for them to see something different in their days. And they were like, this is a really unusual case.

That's a fun way of putting it. And it was nice to be treated. That's psychotic to say that to you. Like, pre-adjust your face before you talk to the patient. No, but I love it. I'm sure that's how they do behave to everybody. I'm sure they weren't tailoring it to me. But by coincidence, I was loving it.

Okay, great. And it was nice to be treated. It was nice to be treated. as traditionally masculine. They were like, your pain threshold must be so high. And I was like,

yeah, I guess it must be. I guess I have been to war. Could you please possibly record that for my mom? My mother. Also, so sad. My mum, who by this point is obviously a picture of guilt

immediately on the, she gets the overnight coach up to Edinburgh. She can't take the train. She's like, it's too much money, we're not doing that. So she is, once again,

quite weird. But then overnight coach by the time I wake up for my surgery because they have to go in and like, So the surgery now is no longer the keyhole surgery, which you get from the usual appendix operation,

because they have to open me right up and scrape me out. It's open in a similar way to, like, they were like, it's similar to a caesarian. Oh, what's that? I've never had a period, but I've had a motherfuckincerian. I seem to have had a kind of... Checkmate, bitch. I've had a sort of hysterical cesarean.

Yeah, yeah. When it's so true, was it just bits of appendix just like, chilling in the whole tour song. And after, when I woke up, when I woke up, I would say there are two things that I would tell you about waking up. The first thing was the surgeon said, the surgeon said, yeah, when we opened you up, we were all a bit like yikes, is what you said.

And he actually said you were, you were very close to, if not death, like a very serious complication. Like, I see you kind of vibe. To be clear, it was actually not that frightening because I found this out after it had all been a success. They've been like, everything's going to be fine. You're going to have a long recovery period. You will be fine.

But you really did nearly die. So it actually wasn't, it was weirdly not that shocking. It was more like, it was actually strangely thrilling. It was like, wow, I'm like, I'm alive. This is how many weeks ago now? This is now, I guess, four or five, five weeks ago. And are you still in recovery period? Technically, yes, but I feel completely fine.

Yeah. I'm definitely recovered. Is this you saying it's a five? It's, no, it's genuinely very occasioning I get these weird like twinges as my like, bowels realign themselves. Yes, sure. But I am really fine. Absolutely fine.

And the second thing about waking up, you want to tell. Helen. Helen. Hellen. Hellen. Helen, Helen,

multiple times a day on this podcast, you do something disgusting, but this wasn't his fault. I don't have to realign my bowels. Sorry, that's disgusting. Also, that's my term. That's my term.

That's not a medical thing. Can I ask one medical question? I think you need to. Go on. So when you went to surgery, you were arguably like full of shit as well, right? Absolutely. Do they, do they like,

open the bowel and just pull it out just to like get it done with. They don't do a little quick colonoscopy. Well, they've got to get something. I mean, imagine pushing a poo out after you've had a surgery. That can't be easy. So do they just like, do they like dig it out? It's a, it's a very perceptive question. Thank you.

The process. I like, I like the way you're thinking. Because while you're in the area, it's like going to Australia and not nip into New Zealand. Well, I, um, I, um, I, was for the period of I would say five days after the surgery I didn't stop pooing

the backlog was extraordinary it was like checking your emails after a holiday write that down that was good I know I knew you thought it was good because you did a little giggle as you said it you were like it was like checking your emails it wasn't

it was if you can't enjoy it one the hell would you say it. And it was enjoyable because these, let me tell you, these schools were well formed. Yeah. Oh gosh. These were a star. May I say? You're allowed to tell us, but I think I've had enough information on that front. And my second, that's a nice bit of balance. You've got what you need to know, but I'm good on this. There's a boundary. Yes, and we did go past it, but we'll just leave it there. The second thing you wanted to tell us about waking up was. Well, the other thing was, so I'd never had a general anesthetic before. I've never, I've never

had one. So, you know how you're told that you will be confused. When you wait, when you first wake up a little bit, as the Anastasia, Anastasia? Like a sort of Russian princess. Once upon a December, April death. I'm assuming that's one of the film, but I don't know. It's so sweet to finally be treated as traditionally masculine.

You'd be like, is Anastasia gone? She smelled like peppermint oil. Okay, when the anesthetic war's all. Worsal? Wow, we've all forgotten to speak. When the anesthetic wears off, you're told that you'll be a bit confused and I remember coming to

and being confused about where I was and turning to the nurses and being like should have a glass of wine or something? But what annoyed me about that in retrospect is that is not authentic confusion. Do you think? I was like, that is me waking up, not knowing where I am and I'm not being like, oh, I think I'm in the bar

and being like, I don't know where I am so I'm just quickly to do a bit. Hell, don't you think? Oh my gosh, yeah. Even in the moments of coming up, too. It's like, my stand-up persona has, like, leaked into my subconscious thought. Yeah, that's dark. Do you know what I mean? That's social anxiety. That's not a stand-up persona. That's not. Someone anxious being like, fill the space, fill the space.

Completely. To be like, oh, like to wake up from operation, be like, well, I suppose it falls to me. Socially babysit this room. I'll bring the room together. I'll make a laugh. What the, what the hell? You know, it's ridiculous. And so then... I like to think it was actually more like you being like, do you know what these girls will love? You just saw an audience and you knew what they wanted. It wasn't. I think it was actually more about knowing who you're playing to. And these girls have been working a long old shift. You know, and Anne's come on probably from the,

on the overnight coach, you're probably subconsciously thinking. What these girls are love is this. That's nice, I think. That's a very generous reason. So was Anne there? Anne was there, I think, a few hours after I woke up, yeah. Okay. All right.

It's a big Edinburgh. It was a big Edinburgh. But you, simultaneously to all of this, what I'm trying to say is you got back on stage, did more shows. Yeah. I worry in part because you basically will have been losing money this whole.

all time. Yes. And I'm so sorry to hear it. And the reason I bring it up is John is honestly one of the most amazing new comics around. His debut show was spectacular. I lost my shit. I lost myself in that show so much that I remember I answered an audience question. You do not.

You do not as a comic go to a new act's first debut show and ever, ever. But in this particular context as a comic that they probably will know, right? Because we are being on built. answered the question they've asked for if I may the general public and then about I acted it

it was he was doing a diatribe on how he loads meal prep and obviously asked if anyone did it and I was like I eat you

but it was it's one of my favourite shows that I've debuts I've ever seen and I think that you're just brilliant and it frustrates me that you had such a

crap Edinburgh pun intended but but and that it was such a pain in your side actually but why

Thank you. I love it when people should have been doubled over laughing at your show. Here we go. And then it took so much out of you. Standing avation. But I think truly... It's the old music hall stuff, isn't it? I know.

Give up a little razzled out. And it's so good, but you will cringe about that later on on the train. No, I feel nothing. Honestly, I think I'm a dad at five somewhere somewhere. But what I mean to say is that you have a chance now, to take your show to other places and people can go see it and they shouldn't name off.

So you're playing so at the theatre very soon? Yes, mid-October, please buy tickets. Oh my God, I'll be there. I can't wait to see it. I'll come with you. Send me the date you're going. I think it's the 14th to the 19th of October. Oh my gosh.

And then it's going on tour. I obviously can't remember where, certainly can't remember when. And I might not come. I might get someone to depth. Let's just say Instagram and then we'll just figure that out later on. No, it's sort of across,

it's like between sort of like March and April. I'll go to a few. Fantastic. My birthday's and March. This could be huge. This is exciting. This is exciting. Don't do a date on my birthday.

No, I won't. No, we'll do something fun together. I don't know. But my question is this. Did you manage to enjoy any of the shows thereafter? All of them. I enjoyed all of them. But did you do them still?

I was sat down, yeah. Sat down in a really ugly armchair. It was fun. It added a bit more of a kind of chat show vibe. Oh, that's nice. And it was very low energy. And it lasted a really long time. We overran a hair.

I think by 15 minutes reliably. Stop it. Really bad. Because I was so, I was being indulgent and I was asking the audience too many questions. And I think people, it felt, I think people felt like it was sort of like maybe my make a wish or something. Cut that out. No, I think we'll keep it, keep it, keep it's your maker wish. It felt, I think people were a bit like, let him have this.

Yeah. And so we, the show became more and more indulgent. Also, like, if you're not a performer, you won't know this, but like, adrenaline does tick over when you're on stage and you do feel physically better. Like, so it's like you don't want to lose that moment because you've only. got like 20 minutes after you come off stage before like for me it's like hay fever or a cold sometimes just like comes back in with vengeance and it's like it's nice to have that reprieve from the just like sitting there and feeling sick completely and also it was like because I timed all of the pain relief it was like the codeine was starting to wear off and I was like don't let me off this stage

you know this is yeah yeah yeah you'll have to drag me off the stage um well I loved it did you go for you did you get a cowpole bottle I got given codeine and I got given and then also just all the usual ones as well. The good stuff. When I was in the hostel, I was given what's called a PCA, which is a, which is patient-controlled like morphine. So the button that you press and like, every time I was allowed more morphine, the button would light up and then I would like max it out and then as soon as I was allowed a bit more, it would flash it out and I'd be like, go. And it was just heaven. Heaven on earth. It sounds dark, but okay. It was, coming off it was sad because after three days like morphine

withdrawal is quite, you feel very nauseous. Wait, what does morphine do exactly? It's a very sedative. Okay. Yeah. I was saying it's not really an upper. It actually is very numbing and it's a bit, it's a little bit miserable. It makes me quite tearful. Did you have a quiet?

Were you like it's making me quite tearful and your mom was like, well, you've always been a teary boy. And you've never even had a period. Do you know what in retrospective? I love Anne. It was not, it truly was not a bad experience. Like it was actually, I think retrospectively a genuinely good experience. I think I think because

Talk us through that I was so I was after doing the debut show I felt I don't know if you guys felt this but after a debut I felt like I was half in comedy and half out I felt like I tasted the champagne was like I'm so excited about this

but terrified of losing my place in the scene terrified that it was like a flash in the pan and being like this I could just be trash can of history yeah and so then like I got myself into thinking actually it's your second show that really matters you know and becoming

My God it's not because my second show was my worst by a mile. I liked your second show. But comparatively, it was my worst. Go on. What was the name of your second show? Lemon. Indeed.

And that question. Does that question not? No, no, but does that not say at all? I'm like, I agree with you. I wish people would forget. It was bad. Go on. And I think it's a narcissistic way of thinking.

And I think of just being like me being like, oh, this show has to be perfect kind of thing. And I got very white knuckled about it, very worried about it. In the end, it went okay. It got good reviews for the first four days. It got amazing reviews, John. All taken away. like was actually a learning curve.

To be like, it's okay. To be like, well, it has to be okay, doesn't it? You actually needy died now. And also, it was ridiculous and like therapy fodder to be like, why are you forcing yourself to go on stage five more times when you're in sepsis? And it's actually that is,

you are someone who is actually quite passive in the face of suffering and you sort yourself out. And then I came back and since Edinburgh, I've been like, where are my emotional appendices? Like, where else am I putting up within my life that is actually like intolerable to the average person that I have gaslit myself into thinking it's okay.

What were they? I haven't worked out yet. Oh. You and me are going to do a little afternoon journaling and we're going to figure it out. It's journaling, it will come out of you through that. Also, what a crazy question for me to be like, tell us what they are because actually you mustn't.

Being asked questions like that should be one of them. I will not tolerate. I mean, ask my deepest, darkest wounds on a podcast. That's what I'm here for. I don't know about that. But wow, that sounds amazing. What organ would you like to lose next? It's a good question, isn't it?

If you have to. I wouldn't mind a soft lobotomy. A gentle one. Not one of those ones that really incapacitates you. Go on. I did not expect that. Like a nurse ratcheting. We were all kidneys.

We were all thinking kidneys. No, but I think that's how you lose the game, isn't it? To talk about kidneys, it's like, actually, I would like two kidneys. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And I think the idea that your kidneys are optional is a mainstream really alive. I do both. Yeah, yeah. You know, I do a lot of weeds.

I've got a very weak bladder. I need two kidneys. See, bladder is the one I'd get rid of because I'd want no bladder and the start again with a bigger bladder because like mine replacement is a is a i'd get it removed so i can get the replacement yeah that's how i would do it a hundred percent big metal one because like this yeah like a proper camel's bladdy yeah get get a camel cut into it take bladdy out do not end of a catheter no i'd want a camel's bladder is what i'm asking for right yeah no and this is a game i don't know the rules of my body my choice i'll say we didn't we didn't play this at our

Christmas, go on. So a soft lobotomy, what do you want to lose? I think the bit of my brain that makes me, I don't know, a bit of my brain that makes me like people-pleasy, maybe, so like that like that. Imagine that if you could isolate the little bit that people-pleases. I don't think you'd be as good a comic. I think you're right.

That is true, isn't it? I don't think you'd be as good a comic. Yeah, you're right. I think the best comics are people-pleasers. It doesn't mean that they're always, they always give the audience what they want, but I think you have to know what they want. to be able to play with this.

Do you think that trying to stop being a people pleasing in real life means you lose the muscle and so you can't do it on stage or do you think actually I've trained that I think it gives you more flexibility on stage. God, that's the hope, isn't it? God, I hope so.

I think that's what I have done and done. Do you want to message a toxic friend now live on air and tell him to fuck off and that's the... Do you have a hell of number? Don't tell me to fuck off. Oh, cry. And that's toxic. Ryan, I've got a big bladder operation coming up.

Should we do a problem? We must, John Tottle, as you know, as a fan of the podcast, we solve problems here. Huge fan of the podcast, can't wait. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I would like to know what kind of advice giver you are before we get into this. I'm a, I'm, I think I'm getting better at giving advice, I think. I'm in favour of bold action.

Like, I think people are too risk of that. Is this the last four weeks? Yeah, well, I think there's something to be said for. Or, like, if you're unsure about something, you should slightly throw the cat among the pigeons in your life. Yeah. I think it's better. I don't like, because I'm guilty of being so uncertain

that I will play out scenarios in my head without really taking action, come to conclusions without the evidence. Yeah. Gather the data by doing something disruptive and then see what happens. I can tell you're bold, because instead of saying,

I'm going to put the cat amongst pigeons, you went forth. Throw the cat amongst the pigeons. I loved it. I never thought of them. Shoot the horse. Throw the cat, shoot the horse. God's sake.

The borderer. Great. I've run a terrible farm. It's a petting farm. It's really terrible. Lots of sad kids. Pick out that cat. 19 ways to skin it, actually.

Catherine's got a monkey on her shoulder as well. Monkey on my back. I've never heard that either. I was listening to the podcast going, monkey is fun. Thank you. Where are you from, John? Essex.

And I enjoyed you being like, you said I pick off my shoe. Sorry, you're from Essex. You're from Essex? Yeah, yeah. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. It is strange.

And my family all talk, all have an Essex accent. Even my brother has an Essex accent. What are you like, John? No! That's so fun! Strange, isn't it? Did you go to the university

that beat you out of it? I did, yeah. Yeah, there we go. That happens to a lot of people. It's awful. I don't buy it. I believe you adopted this accent about 15 and then you chose your university

accordingly. Get to fuck, are you blaming Cambridge for that? That's the most, like, perceptive reading I've ever. That's actually, I'm shriveled. That was like, it's witheringly true. I see you, I know you. You're right, it's like, the person changes their accent

and like they, and they aspire for the university. There you go. You're so right, there's such a lie that... People don't change their accents at 19. They decide who they want to be at 14 to 15. And then they make, yeah, and then they make their choices beyond to go with us. It's like hats and blazers at 12.

Do you know what I'm saying? And how were they? Were we doing bowlers? What were we doing? I was wearing, I wore a lot of very glittery suit jackets. That checks out. I would have fancied the pants on the room. I would have asked you out.

so many times. We just get it. Me and John just get it. We get it. That is so true and I'm so glad to be called out on that. The accent went first. You're welcome. Andrew, do you have a problem for us, my love?

Yes, I've got two problems. Should we do one now and one in the extras? Don't mind if we do. A bit of fun there. Okay, well, would you like first? Email from ex-husband or polydrama. We're going to let John choose and I'm absolutely obsessed with both options. Oh my God.

Should we do polydrama? Let's do polydrama. Go on. This is from R. Hi, R. Hello, you lovely hogs. I'm in desperate need of some advice. Firstly, a bit of context. I'm a little polyamorous.

Polypocket, if you would. Fun. Power. Barwa. That was amazing. Don't you correct her until you have the fact. Gather the data. Am I right, Don't?

My long-time best friend and their boyfriend aren't. However, we do have a running joke that we're in a thruple because I'm practically their relationship therapist. They have a very strong relationship. If my relationship therapist was kept joking that we were all in a throttal, I'd be like, is that what relationship therapy is. I need a new therapist.

This is crazy. Guys, we're literally like a throuple. It's like, okay. It's 85 pounds a minute. Should you talking about? Go on. Both the boyfriend and I are trans. So there are things we understand about each other without the need to explain

that their partner doesn't necessarily get. Oh, wait. I start a daydreaming. Go again. Are you joking? I'm sorry. Both this person and the boyfriend. of the long-term friend are trans they get each other um given the heightened transphobia in this country

we've grown closer because of it um for the extra support uh i however lived as a gay man for 25 years and developed the toxic trait of falling in love with any man that is kind to me very relatable uh i now have feelings from my best mate's boyfriend i obviously don't want to betray her by also want her boyfriend to do unspeakable things to me i guess my question is how can i switch these feelings off. Slight update as well. This is the second email that's come in. Their relationship isn't as strong as previously mentioned.

The bestie is going through some self-discovery regarding their sexuality, which I 100% support. And the boyfriend doesn't know any of this, but it's safe to say the relationship is on the rocks. Okay, so they're sent in this email and then it's updated a couple weeks later that the relationship that describes is on the rocks.

So how can they position themselves to get with the boyfriend of the best friend but not betray the best friend is that something that's doable should they walk away from it yes any help much appreciated isn't it so nice the way that it took a Machiavellian turn though I really thought it was going to be like

how can I accept the fact that I can't have what I want and then it's like how can I destroy how can I position myself such that I get everything I've ever wanted which by the way I don't think is a I don't think that's a bad thing I actually think I admire the honesty. Yeah.

Can I actually, I did a bridge a little bit because it's quite a long paragraph. I just want to read you a line verbatim. Not only do I want to sleep with him, but I want to keep him as a friend once their love has died. So, yeah, what to do once their love dies? It's a waiting game, surely, isn't it? You have to let time do its work and then you're sweeping in. Because if it's, if it really is, okay, wait. Oh God, that's actually so difficult, isn't it?

The only thing that would make this acceptable is that the potential relationship between the two, the new couple, would be so incredibly good that you're ultimately like, you think you're like soulmates, do you think? But this person's already planning for them to just be friends once they've had a good fuck. Yeah. Which feels wrong, that feels wrong, isn't it?

I personally think that you're being a bad friend and should back off and let it. do its follow its natural course because relationships often are bad and then get good again and but regardless of if we're on your side in and I think I love that you immediately went to how do we get with this person what they wanted by the way that's not meant to be judgmental I've been a bad friend many times and usually it's because of my libido but I think that there is something to be said it was judgmental but I I just I feel like I want to caution you here because this is your best friend you're saying long term best friend and there are even

is no scenario, I think, where this plays out in your favor, as you seem to understand up having sex with this man, where you get to keep that friendship. And not a lot of the friendship was mentioned in the email. And that makes me think that maybe you are on a sort of obsessive sexual track, which we all get on sometimes about a person, but then we forget the importance of the friendship in that context. The other thing to say is, I think that regardless, if what you wanted to have sex with him, the most hurtful thing you could do is do it while they're in the relationship so you have to let this play out also because then he will always think of you as a person who ruined that dynamic and wonder if it could have been fixed so you have to live its natural course

and then if he wants it it will happen because that's the nature of breakups and alcohol existing in the world like it'll happen if you just go for a drink if that's what he wants to but i think you have to give their relationship a chance to fix itself and i think you really need to remember for a second take a breath take a pause go for a walk and remember why she's your friend too because some of the language in that email like we get each other more, feels suddenly like you're in a position where you're competing with your friend rather than torn over loving both of them or liking both of them. So I would just say, take a breath and a beat is my strong feeling. And I'm sorry if that reads harshly, but I do think that's what you need to hear. As harsh as what I'm about

to say. Friendships don't work in group of threes, even if there's two in a relationship. It doesn't work. That's why the Sugar Babes and Destiny Shard both famously fell apart. It was a fucking nightmare out there. Busted. Hello. I know they're back on tour now, but it is tricky. So here's the thing.

Famously successful about it. Your best friend is in a relationship and yet you fancy the guy that she's with. Too bad. Too bad. That is their relationship. They're doing it. Yeah, it sucks when you get feelings for someone

and they're taken and you think that you'd have a better relationship. But you know what? You didn't. It's their relationship right now. And to plan for it to end, it's fucked up. And don't get me wrong.

I've fancied people, my friends are left. I've had moments where I've been like, oh, I wish. But I would fucking never. It is none of your business. And to plan for it to end, to jump in there? No. That's so gross. I hate it.

I hate the whole thing. I am more sympathetic. I'm more sympathetic. I just feel like if you're completely obsessed with someone, you can't do anything about it. But I think I admire the honesty of someone being like, I'm going to let this play out. I do agree.

I do. I think it's not true. It might be that I'll never be. friends of this person ever again but if you're if that's what you if that's a risk that you're prepared to take then I think it's not a I don't think you should violate anyone so bad I think I think we're both for your own personal we're I think what John is saying is that if it's only makes sense to him if you do potentially think you could be soulmates yeah the trade off I can understand that happening and also that like

you for me it's about recognizing remembering amidst all this that you are friends with this woman and that there will be a cost to you and her in losing that friendship and Now that is an inevitable outcome here. And I do think, yes, there's a cruelty in planning it, but I do also think, yes, we can't help who we fall for. But I do think you cannot interrupt their relationship. It's unfair, and you'll never know if it would have ended. They'll never know if it would have ended.

It will always haunt whatever happens thereafter. And I just think, like, you need to take a breath and not just listen to your sexual urge right now. Also, I think an important part of that email is, I'm a little bit polly and they're not. like they're not those are not the frameworks and the negotiation that they've had at the beginning of that relationship and whatever you feel about that isn't a fair imposition on how they navigate their way through or out of their relationship at the moment I just think you gotta take a beat

and think about how you'll feel in five years especially if it is just a shag and also about the other person like you that's what I mean like but the thing of like oh like if it's there you all thinking they might be your soulmate is worth the risk but you also like if they were right but like the idea that like but you will be ruining someone's trust in people their ability to fall in love like for an option of possible happiness for you a definite ruining and harming of someone else that they wouldn't be have to open up to someone again or make themselves be vulnerable in that way you are fucking someone over hugely shame no not shame but just not shame but just take a beat and wait at the very least i think we all agree wait this is again if you even act and also

if it's actually that real yeah you got to wait i think you've got me around it is it's out of order isn't it's out of order and it's made it's made me feel cruel no me always we're like these i think we're very aligned on this yeah you are sort of a line yeah yeah i think we are i think it's just a no-go option i think you need to get i would say so too but i i i can see a world in which that's going to happen anyway but then so then at least do it with a freaking safety belts and like a little bit of reasonable kindness and patience in there because fuck there is no version of this where she could think you were anything other than actively malicious if you cheat with him and there's a version of this where

she can feel absolutely devastated by your actions if you get with him after but at least she could fathom why you might love the person that she loves but this is or you know fancy but yikes if you do go for it you're paying for our therapy this this isn't someone being like how can I, how can I break this couple up? It's being like, what can I, how can I navigate this? Yeah. And I feel like, I still feel it's like you could wait for, you might end up waiting for years,

but I don't think that's, I would be surprised if they can switch off their feelings. Yeah, I, I definitely think though, there's something about the language of like, how do I position myself? Yeah, that's hell. That's a bit like, eek. It's a bit like, ooh, let's let them feel in their feelings.

And also, we don't even know how this person feels about you, do we, the boyfriend? They've just got a connection, right? that they just get along really well. Yikes. Oh my God. I absolutely loved that problem. I'm so sorry, Polly Pocket.

I do hope you're all right. And that is a lot. Like, it's a lot. But I also love that you wrote in that problem because then we can like be honest, do you know? You were honest. We must be. Yeah.

I just don't want them to feel so bad about themselves that they feel like hyper judged coming away from the problem. Like I think that this is, I think what, but if we do make you feel that way, this is interesting then I promise you other people will say these things and she will say these things

about you if it happens so if you're like fuck you guys fair enough if you're like ha that has made me feel a bit like then bear in mind that is very much how you'll have to feel if it all happens

and if that's worth it then by all means but I say that by the way as a person who so much of my 30s has been like finally feeling the consequences of my behaviour

in my 20s really yeah I was so numb, I think, to my behavior and so I followed my desire for sex so often at so many people's expense and felt very little. Like, I was really numb. And I think that I was, like, quite disassociative in my body and in lots of things because of lots of reasons that aren't anybody else's fault. And I think when I got back in my body a bit in my 30s, I really felt like, fuck, ooh, Jesus. Now I'm really feeling the guilt for things I didn't feel at the time. That is so interesting.

And it was like a delayed response. Yeah, very much so. And and yeah, just these things do come at you when you sometimes don't expect it. And like just because you don't feel anything now doesn't necessarily mean you won't ever. And I don't, I'm not talking about like societal guilt or expectation. I'm just talking about

me personally of like oof, that is now. Also like I think also when I can reflect on myself as being a baby I can also reflect all the other people in that scenario as having been very young too and like oh the cruelty of that was just like oh and I'm glad that I can feel that now actually because without being too harsh on myself or like beating myself up I think it's still good to have like understood that my actions have consequences and even if I wouldn't necessarily like and I haven't been like hey can I apologize for this thing 10 years ago because it's like people

leave them alone but it is good for me to I'm still waiting on there's a it's good for me to feel that I think. That's fascinating. I feel like I'm, something I've been thinking about a lot at the moment is I'm almost in the opposite. I feel like I've spent a lot of my time doing very, very little with my life at all for fear of upsetting people. And now I'm like, I'm biased in favour of living. I'm like, well, I should, I should stop being. But that's the right way to be. Oh, yeah, there's a half my head. Yeah. You can't behave selfishly. But in a strange way, I feel like I've behaved selfishly in the past through my own paralysis. I've like kept people waiting. I've like, I've, like, had a conversation with them in my head rather than having it

in real life. And, do you know what I mean? And like, and that's caused problems. And now I'm a bit like, that's why I'm like, cat on the pigeons. I'm a bit like, there's a... Chuck in the cat. Good for you. One more problem. That's fascinating. Let's do that in the extras. Okay, please. In that case, John Tot Hill, where can people find you? On Instagram and at my house. Fabulous. Um, Instagram easier at John Tot Hill. Can I see my show. Yes, yes. Go see it at So, Heather, go see it on tour. It is, honestly, there's no comic like John Tuttle. That is my favorite thing about going to see his shows.

Nobody else is doing what he's doing. You will love it. I promise you, you will love it. Go see him. Hello, executive producers in that lounge there. Thank you so much for joining us, Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Annie Tonner, Stephanie Catarachia, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway,

Neil Redmond, Madeline, Quinn, Grace, O'Reilly, and family. Thank you all so much. And thank you to our producers. I will be doing this all in one breath and Northern accent Cheers L, Richard Bould Howard Van Dyke

Tim and Dom David Walker Rachel R Sadey Cashmore Clare Owen Jones Jess and Nick Sarah Molly Ryan Fink Cordelia Rachel Page Helen Aitina Lindsay Graham Marsh Amy O'Riddin

Abbey Watt, Matt Sims, Luke Brightly Kate Spencer Tristan Liz Ford Tass Anthony Clove Becky Foxstein Michael Sophie Chiver Sarah Spouse Charlie A KC Jamringbird

Nathan Smith Amanda McCall, Tamson Smith Harding, Hannah J. Isra Perrigan. Bryn. Two breaths, but still not bad. Pretty fucking good, actually. I actually, you didn't drop the accent. Thank you so much. I really, a lot of respect for that, actually. Huge.