Trusty Hogs - Ep165. Selection Boxes, Santa & Soap

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Our final episode before Christmas, we indulge in a VERY mysterious and secretive Secret Santa, rank our favourite selection boxes & solve a listener's festive family problem...NEW MERCH: trustyhogs.com/merchLEICESTER (15/2): Live Show TicketsThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Sadie CashmorePRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah J / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven ChickenWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Andrew M. We are now about to do our merch promo. It's ethical. It's size inclusive. It's lesbian coded. It's freaking gorgeous. It's a merch drop, everybody. We've got T-shirts.

We've got beanies. We've got baseball cups and we've got a tote. Beep, beep, merch, merch, munch, motherfuckers. Let's go! You can get it all now at trusty hogs.com forward slash merch. And please, can you do us a massive favor? We want to see you guys wearing it. We really hope you really love it.

Also, we talk pictures of us in it, so you can take pictures of you and please we want to share them. We want to see a little cuties. Can you tag us on Instagram? We worked so hard on it. Guys, you don't know how long I had to fight Helen to make sure everything wasn't with pigs. And she's not thrilled about it.

It's so weird that like the two I've bought only one of them has a pig. After all that. After all that. And I was like, this is the one I won. I want a full cartoon pig on everything. I'm proudest of the fact that the T.H. In thriving made it on.

I cannot believe that no one spotted that apart from you. I'm so proud of it. Guys, we did our best. We really thought about it. Trustyhogs.com forward slash match. For your favorite podcast merch ever. It's Christmas. It's episode 165 of Trusty Hoggs.

Tis the week before Christmas. We're all very excited. Tis the week before Christmas and all through the studio. Not a... No, because it's got to be housed as a mouse. No one was in a very bad moodio. No one... Are you in a bad mood?

I said no one was in a mood. Oh, no one's in a bad mood. Moodyo. That was good. Because we love Christmas. Yeah, we do. I love Christmas. And we don't have any family stuff or feelings of loneliness or any tricky emotions around this time. I feel like sometimes we are too hard on Christmas on this podcast and I actually do love it. Like I love the film. I love the films. I love the food. I love the weather. I love the fact that nobody emails me. Whoop, whoop. I like, um, not working. I like sitting down, I like shopping, I like opening stuff, even if I don't necessarily like getting gifts, you know, there's some really good perks. There's some quality television. Oh, we're talking big TV. Big TV. Also, like, no one's being like, do you want a chocolate bar? Everyone's like, who's a handful of these chocolates from this giant bucket and you're like, yes.

trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech

Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not I did have my first access To a box of celebrations recently heaven on earth and it was the first time of the season where i was like and it was a freshly open box

order of preference i'm gonna go for we'll go one for one okay straight out the gate maltisers mortisers correct second for me honestly caramel galaxy yeah so i would just said helena and andrew em andrew my god sweet jesus i'm losing my mind i would have said galaxy but then i heard someone say it tasted like blood and it's got in my head okay well that's crazy and wrong but go on And I'm finding it tricky. Fine, but what's your second? Bounty. And I don't want any of that like bounty hate.

It's nice. It's coconut and chocolate. Okay. It's gorgeous. That's objectively wrong with that time. And then third for me, it's your classic galaxy for you. So that's just blood. Yeah, next for you.

Okay, so then I'm out. What? I want the Malteseers and the Bounties. I'll have a Milky Way. Sorry, you're crazy. But I don't like the caramel. No, please sit on the bench. If you want to, sit on the bench.

But for me next, it's, it's. and it was a tough one because I maybe even want to put the second one of the days in my life Snickers post Snickers I'm going a disappointing Snickers

it's called the Mars bar then if I'm desperate if I'm like on my period if like my mom's making me wait like an hour for breakfast or something I don't know what's happening your mom's making you breakfast I'm five years old

yeah she's so nice she's so nice I'm having I guess like a milky way and then I'm never eating the bounty roses we begin again you may go first this time roses is the one is that the one that's got the green triangle yeah that's quality street that's quality street that's quality street sorry i think i know roses what okay look at me heroes we go again we go again at first at the gate off you go

heroes i'm not like i'm not fussed about dairy milk chocolate in general but i would say the cabrize twisted the cream egg twisted oh yeah oh they're good yeah really first choice I think what the other miniatures? You have to, you're, you're, you're not letting me have a handicap in this game of golf. Like, what's, give me, give me what's in it and then I can tell you. Okay, you've got your egg twisted, you've got your double-decker. You've got your twirl. Twirl, yeah.

You've got, you've got caramel, the standard caramel, right? No, I don't like it. The, I love it. McCabry's caramel. Do you want me to read it from the days? Please, Andrew. I don't know why I let you flound it for so long. Eclare, Fudge, Whisper, Jerry Milk, Crunchy Bites,

twirl, dairy, milk, caramel, double decker, and query Meg twisted. Okay. Okay, sorry, one for one, I'm ready. So you're going? Twisted. Crunchy. Two is the... Oh, God, I've forgotten it already.

I have a hero, I think, kind of, and day one is the egg twisted, and I was just like, well, the rest of December's shit from here now. Two would be the whisper. Yeah, I love that for you. For me, I'm going. I've gone Oh then caramel See I'm not interested

Pass that Crunchy I used to like But not so much anymore Because it really stays in my teeth I love twirls I love Eclaires Oh my god Eclare Sorry

I don't hate a fudge I love I actually like Every single one of the heroes It's a fucking great time I think it's actually just a list of bangers Is the double decker last for me Yes but am I mad about it No

If I'm getting a bounty I'm furious I'm getting a strawberry rose. I'm furious. That's quality straight, right? No, the roses have a... It's called a strawberry rose. Oh, yeah, shit. Hello?

Helen! Hello? Hell, I'm fuming. But there's no bad option in the hero's bucket. Yeah. And that's just the truth. We never had these buckets at our house. So I think I grew up like bucket illiterate.

So my best friend Karen's favorite rose, what, is the strawberry one? Her second favorite is the orange cream. Truly hell on her thing. The only two of that in our house never got eaten so I would keep them in a sandwich bag for her over Christmas and then go around and she'd be like, the best ones and we'd be like, you're deranged. That's so cute.

Obviously the best roses are the ones of the hazelnuts in. Yeah, so the green triangle and the purple. You're on quality street. You're in quality street. Fucking hell! Now there's a brilliant purple rose, don't get me wrong, but you're in the wrong place.

What's in the purple rose? It's full of caramel and then a hazel in the center. But the best rose is a little. a swirl with the hazele of the centre. I think I've had this. It's such a great time. My God, it's so good. What I'll say is that I had a great aunt,

mag, who exclusively bought these, like, giant boxes of roses and Quality Street all year long. So going to her house was fucking incredible. We were so quiet because we were just like, oh, remember those giant toffee pennies in the Quality Street? I actually think Quality Street's the worst box, but that's okay.

Okay. My Advent calendar this year was Lint. What about you? Mortezers. Oh. I got Elena Maltese's one. That's her preference also. What's yours, Andrew?

You said heroes. Heroes here. Do you have an advent calendar, M? I'm not remotely surprised. Tell you what I like as a box of chocolate. Go on. Box of Herrera Roche's. Yes. Yes.

That's like the dream. It's so insane. And I like the Raffello's. I love them. Which is, what is it? Is it coconut? Oh, no, wait. I was thinking of the wrong thing.

I actually, I'm fine with those. I don't really bother about white chocolate at all. My favorite is the, have you had the, have you had the Marks and Spencer sort of knock off Frere Aroshae? The nutty clouds? No, no. They're basically a forer Araset but they're made by Marks and Spencers and they are

banging. I have the walnut whips and I love them. My grandmother's favorite chocolate was a walnut whip. I love a walnut whip. And my granny died, well my nana died on the 27th so we always buy them for my mom at Christmas and then she always cries. Stop it, that's really. Don't get the tears on the chocolate! But they are getting smaller.

I'll say that. That's so sweet. But how did she? Yeah, they're so good. Walnut Whips. I don't think there's a dignified way. I think they are eat alone chocolate. Like I don't want to watch people tongue out a walnut whip. Tongue out. I know exactly what you.

Listen, I love it as much as the next day, but that is a private affair. Tell you what else is good. What's the company name? Is it Gillian or Gullion C-Shall? Oh, the C-Shall's my brother's favorite. I got a one-kilogram tray of those from Costco.

One kilogram? From where? Costco? From Costco, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. I don't think chocolate should come in one-kilon. It goes in one kilogram very easily. They are so good.

I've only had them a couple of times and I was so charmed. Yeah, I like the, I used to get the little, the tiny box of them. You know, they're like, you get like four or six. Yeah, there's like four. Yeah, yeah. Do my stocking. Thank you, Santa Mom. How about lint chocolate balls?

Yeah, heaven on earth. Heaven on earth. Ooh, let's do order preference on those. It's going to be a listing chocolate episode. I know, I can't think of like. You've got your white, you've got your hazelnut, you've got your milk, you've got your dark. Those are your classic. I want hazelnut and milk.

The dark's brilliant. I would just thought you'd go for the white. I really am as that bothered about the white. I'm not a white chocolate pasta. I just like the Raffello. You like coconut. That's what we're getting here. Okay.

Fine. Interesting. Love coconut. Fascinating. Because interestingly, coconut ice cream, yes. Like bounty ice cream, correct. But I'm just not that bothered by it as, it's fine.

Although the posh bounty from Pratt. Yeah. Delicious. With a dark chocolate, yum. You know what? It takes all sorts. like different chocolates. It's true.

I remember the first box of lint I ever got. I'm so hungry now. Oh my God, can you imagine. I wish I could remember the first time I had it. That would be incredible. How was it? It was, I think it was from my granny. And I think I was like 14 or 15.

And for a greedy child, it was like, these are mine. And the way I got them, I was like, sure my siblings hadn't seen. Yeah. I had them. I can't remember my mom saw or not, but I decided she hadn't seen.

So when did the, secret eating begin. So, oh, 11. Which people say is too young, to which I say, not if you're good at it. That's my girl. Get them early. You can get any disorder, whatever age you want if you're focused. Don't mind if we do. And then I was like, I cannot believe I'm left alone with these. This is insane and I couldn't fathom being happier. Is it the best thing about it being an adult that you can just walk into, like this is the thing. You could just go in and buy yourself whatever freaking admin calendar you want. It's not the same. I think it's better. I think it's better. You choose the one you want.

I bought my own advent calendar this year because usually sneering me by from each other but he was like uming and Ring about what he wanted. He still hasn't got one. I think it's so fine. I buy myself one all the time. And I also love that you can just go in and buy yourself an entire box of chocolates

and you don't got to share. I know. What a privilege. What a privilege. Do you buy a box of like roses or quality street and miniature heroes even if you don't like some of them in it? Yeah, of course.

Slay. I live in house of girls as well. So like somebody will always eat the chocolate. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Somebody's due on it. someone's bleeding Someone's on to be on No but of course

Yeah So fun I think part of it The choice is what makes it So exciting But yeah Lint balls are ultimately the best Because you want

Every single goddamn one Oh my God Fuck It's so hard not to chew But you shouldn't On Vienna Airlines We've got given a little Hazelnut chocolate

Oh that's nice It was really good That's lovely Now we're talking about food I wonder if anyone Has got any food stuff Can I tell you one last thing Yeah

Charlie Clive went to Antwerp Because she often does To buy it Close because she's so cool and she brought back Belgian chocolates just before Christmas and we opened them and they're exquisite

first of all the most beautiful things you've ever seen all coated in the finest dusting of cocoa and then you were like you know when Ellen and I both ate one and just went completely silent

for such a long time it was like a moving experience and yeah wow chocolate's the best okay now I'm ready to do Secret Santa sorry about all that I think we should do Secret Santa now just in case there has any food

in there and we can like scratch the set should we do it? What if you didn't get food and somebody else did? Then I'll eat that No Helen So every year Is it been three years we've done this now? Yeah We do Secret Santa

I think the first year Is this our third winter together? Wow you make it sound like we're really like surviving Like a war That's how you measure a war on it Because we've done over three years of episodes But first year I think we all got each other gifts I think everyone's

Fourth winter together. Fourth winter together. Holy crap. Crossling at the first year. Okay. What months did we start? September. Wow.

Okay. Oh my God. So then last couple of years we've done a secret Santa. And this year we've secret santaed again. And we've got everyone here today. We've got M. We've got Andrew. We've got Catherine.

We've got Helen. We've got Zofia who's just there. Hello. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. But we didn't know if it was going to be you or I don't. Like we just don't know.

Yeah. That's a really good excuse. And I would love to buy you a hot chocolate. when we're recording next week because I believe the cafe will be closing now downstairs we're not actually recording next week but I'm sure she means it

not next week the week after you know what I'd love to get your coffee in January Merry Christmas But remember us to see Chrysantis you don't know who it's from It's from me

It's from me And she will take credit So we don't know who any of these are from May I go first You can go wait are you gifting but you're not gifting from you, you're gifting from Santa Claus, remember? Okay.

Andrew, Santa Claus says Merry Christmas. Who, who, who, who? Who could it be from? Come on up, young man. Have you been a good boy? You're going to sit on my lap while you do it? And then describe what you're seeing, please, Andrew.

So I've got sort of dinosaur Christmas wrapping. Like triceratops, he got lights all around his morning. Oh, he's scary, isn't it? And a beautiful. ribbon. We have all got very interestingly different wrapping types and we will discuss that. But mine unsurprisingly has a big bow on. Santa's is unsurprisingly

with a bow. That is a nice but do you want to reuse the bow? Do you not want to? I mean obviously I'd use it but I feel like you'd get more. No you shouldn't give it back it actually goes with your shirt. It does actually. It just looks. Lovely. Lovely. So, dinosaur wrapping paper which I'm oh, give it a bit of ASMR.

You think people listen to our podcast because they like ASMR? more. Absolutely no. I can't even imagine that that's like

an assault on your senses. It is a book Caroline O'Donohue the Rachel This book is so good It's so gossipy It's just like

Every end of every chapter You're like It's great And also the chapters are short because I love it So it's like That is the perfect thickness of a book

And I love a short chapter Okay don't make it crude Andrew please And I've got a journal From the Emerald City Woohoo Oh, one short day in the Emerald City.

One short day for a lifetime of fun. Thank you so much. You're welcome, my darling. Happy Father Christmas Day. Happy Father Christmas Day. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Helen, would you like to gift next? Well, I wonder which of these Santa would like to give to Catherine.

I know this one's for Catherine, and I know this one's for M and this must be for me. Who, who are you gifting to? Well, this one says M and this one says Helen. Well, this must be for me because this is a bag I've given you in the past. What the fuck?

Like I said, we all work with different gifting styles. No, oh, let's talk Helen for taking care of the environment. No, I love it. Cycling and reusing. And I'm so glad you did. And I will undoubtedly give it back to you again. It's nice. March 25th, my birthday.

Just reminding. Yes, I know you told us here. Okay. Even though December. Father Christmas would like to remind Catherine that she is a tricky one to buy for sometimes. No, I'm not. I know. Thank you, M.

The easiest one to buy for, but to not get a candle. I love candles. I know, but I tried not to get a candle. Why, I love candles so much? Have you seen the S&L peach candle sketch? No. Can I say one thing? just as a general can I just say

I fucking love a candle and I never don't want a candle I really appreciate you going for something else but I just will say as like if anyone's fine like no one's ever like oh no I'm I have too many beautiful scented candles I love butter candle but I'm so excited to see what this is

I can't believe it's from Helen I don't know no no it's not it's from Father Christmas but I had a feeling I thought Andrew had me so I'm so intrigued oh yeah you think none of us knew who got who got her because it was, I did it on like the app. You used a machine. I used a machine thing.

Which I was furious about because I couldn't game the system like I used it. Catherine has gained the system before. What is this? There's a card. From Father Christmas? It's such a dinky little card. This is actually, your stickers on it. Unsurprisingly, your stationery is perfection.

Ho! Ho! Ho! I wonder what Santa said. Dear darling Catherine, he's a bit forward. Merry Christmas. Love your secret hoggy Santa. that's so cute oh my gosh this is so cute what is this who knows she's like oh what's this what is this that is a calming essential oils roll on because i had a little bit left in the budget that's heaven that's like can't bring your candle on the go with you this is perfect i actually love this to keep you calm

if i annoy you or like life gets no don't say if you know me no but if you're on the tube or like you're stressed out you put it on your pressure point oh my god this is beautiful What's the scent? Calming. Oh, that's amazing. I'm so excited to open it. I just can't physically because of my Arturitic hands. Thank you so much.

You're very welcome. Oh my God, this is so exciting. I love that as a gift. Woo-hoo. What's this? This is for your journey to India, which you've already been to by this point, but we're recording before Catherine goes to India.

Oh, my God. What is this? Helen, you've knocked it out of the park. Food that I'm keeping. It's just a little food, even. Oh, my God. He's from Vienna? Yeah.

Hazel nut chocolates, you spoil me. Yeah, from Manor. Sorry, you've absolutely nailed this. I got, I know, I couldn't believe I could afford it. I had to go through duty-free and get a voucher as well to manage to get it. Helen, you've nailed this. Can I just tell the listener, it's an Elizabeth Arden, my favourite. It's the lip-bam, which comes in the tin, not the one that you have to, like, squeeze out of the tube,

and then you always get too much, and then you're like, I guess, I'm lip bombing my entire face because it is 24 hour cream and just essentially go everywhere you do also have the tube no that is also the tube yes no it's the hand cream is it yeah it's the hand cream

I also I will I buy this this is sorry to sound so thank you you're welcome this is really I really appreciate my gift you can smell your calming now as well if you want I'm excited to smell my calm I actually do need to calm down because I'm so excited I've never seen such a beautiful little box of chocolate news fair phone

aren't they so gorgeous yeah they're stunning young and you don't mind the bag I love the bag Hello I chose the bag I love the bag Oh ho ho Oh shit For your flight

Oh that is stunning Wow Imagination Wow You've nailed I'm actually gonna put on my lip balm as well I feel really calm Helen I'm so grateful

I feel very seen It's not Helen Because don't forget that every gift is a test Of whether not the person gifting you In fact knows you at all Because I've done jewellery the last couple of birthdays for you and I've done well but I was like I'm not gonna risk it again I love these you've absolutely nailed it um thank you oh oh oh oh you're very welcome young lady I love them

thank you so much I'm putting on my lip balm we've got a secret Santa for M whewhoo who's it from who could it be Merry Christmas um Merry Christmas we can do some chat while I'm we can do some chat while I'm just said do you want to do some chat oh my god they're gorgeous Oh my God, thank you so much. They're socks. They're actually warm socks. And they're so beautiful. Oh my God.

Em has her monster foot because of her infection. This is so exciting. Is that the kind of chat you wanted on the podcast? Oh my God. They're huge and so is her foot. This is an idea. Oh my God. Yeah.

You're very welcome. So cozy. They're actually beautiful. I love big cozy winter socks for the flat. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. I was actually going to buy myself some sleeping spray because I can.

Is it pillow mist? It's a pillow mist? I love pillow mist. Andrew, you're nailing this. I'm so glad. Okay, Andrew, I got the two of the girls that work in the office for my agency. Every year I get them a little pillow mist and a little essential role on. And I literally, I think it's the best gift.

That's such a lovely gift. It's so relaxing. Oh, so nice. What's the final one? Lavender, sweet orange, cedarwood, uh, hand and body lotion and hand wash. Oh. Oh my God, Andrew, you nailed it. Gay men, get it.

Thank you. I feel like you guys went over the budget. I feel like, wow, wow, wow. Did you go over the budget, Andrew? By like two pounds. This guy. I got it bang on. I should have gotten some chocolate to go with yours, Andrew, but I was like, I stick it in the budget, but I should.

Oh, God, damn it, you guys are so good. You're so sweet. You're very welcome. That's a lovely little set there. And Andrew, it's really classy. He's bought the, I'm sorry, I think that brown plastic must have, like, a monopoly on my heart. like there is no hand cream or hand wash you can't sell me if you put it in a brown bottle i'm like yeah yep once again shout out to esop please send us things my my soap is running out i'd actually like

some more i've saved mine from my new house i don't have i know i know i made the mistake i put a video online i was like oh we got this soap i didn't realize it was 30 pounds i'm going to put this away until we have nice guests but then everyone comes around and goes where's your nice soap so i've just had to leave out permanently and it's just, it's gawk. No, I'd put my nice soap away when the guests come round. They're getting the cheap soap. Can Father Christmas give a gift to Helen now? Yes, Ellen.

Merry Christmas, Helen. Thank you, Father Christmas. To say it to yourself. I didn't think anyone else was going to do the voice. Merry Christmas, Helen. Merry Christmas, Helen. Okay. What is it?

Oh, my God. What is it? It's from Le Crosse. Le Crosse. Le Crosse or Le Crosse. or La Crosette for the Americans Listener

And it's a Oh my God What is it This is a really Is it for your new Hens? This is Must be Rearine

What is it? Father Christmas Oh my God It's two little things Oh my God Are they ceramic boots? Why would they be ceramic boots? Because they feel like boots

Why would they be boots? Shut your whole mouth It matches your eyeliner It's an egg cup Oh my god Oh my god Gorgeous egg cup I had boiled eggs this morning

I mean Father Christmas Because you have to I love yellow She did so good Dink Did you imagine Just smash them everywhere Oh my god

That is so fancy Yeah that's fancy as hell Oh my god for eggies Yeah You know what else I'm gonna do with them I'm gonna put nuts in them As well for like snacking That's so few nuts though

This is few Well I'll shell the pistachios That's a good portion of nuts. Yeah. Well, I can always have, I can have two. You could have two. Oh my God, that's so cute for your new house. Oh my God, I cannot wait to show Sunil.

Oh my gosh, is he? He's not allowed to use them, is he? He can use them tomorrow morning. You're so sweet. Oh my God, I love this. I love it too. Andrew, I feel like you're, I feel like your gift now. I should have been better.

But what if I told you that that's the best book I've read this year? You're going to love it. I'm excited to read the book. I'm looking forward to it. And I love the notebook. Okay, good. I think in my head, I can't imagine somebody. would like a wicked notebook but I guess that is

something Andrew would like. Yeah. I hope. Everyone would love a wicked note. I like the idea of you at checkout like saying to the woman like, who wants this? Who would like this? I actually was with Em when I bought it and I was like, is this the kind of thing Andrew might like? I was like I was buying for my sporty son.

Is this right? Sporty son? I mean like that's where people would usually struggle whereas I'm more like musicals. I was in the shop the other day and this lovely old woman comes into the, it's really cool the packaging for that, like Chris. Yeah, that's adorable. That is actually so cute.

I'm Polly Pocket. Andrew is telling his story, though. Sorry, Andrew. That's all right. This is a lovely old woman comes into the, it was like the entertainer, which is like a toy shop and bookshop. I am very familiar with the entertainer.

Yeah. Oh, actually, actually, it wasn't even there. It was the work, sorry. I don't you know the work. Very familiar with the works. It's mostly a bookshop. They don't stock, for reference, any DVDs or video games but this woman comes in going oh my grandson wants a game

called FIFA and she obviously assumed it was a board game and I didn't have I had to step in and be like oh it's actually you want to go to that shop down the street and it's not called FIFA and she was just like what no he wants FIFA but they I was like they've lost the licensing agreement it's now called EAFC and she's like oh okay and then she just walked out but I hope she found it she was just very lost and very sweet good fee for trying Well, is that trying? Because it feels like he just told her a riddle and then sent her on her way.

He could have brought her there. No, he told her. I can't walk her to another show. I'm not going to become a personal shopping assistant for a confused old lady. Wow. The use these days. I'm like to say she was confused old lady.

No. Honest to God. She was just confused about the one thing. There wasn't like a general confusion about her. Yeah, yeah. That was just like that one, she doesn't know what FIFA is. But I wouldn't know.

I thought it was still called FIFA. I knew what I'd have a play day. I think people still referred to it as FIFA, but yeah, there's changed things. Is that what the kids are playing now? Well done, everyone. Fortnight. Oh, you know, I've got a question for all of you, not a fortnight related.

Sorry. Can I just quickly step in to be like, well done everyone. Thank you for our lovely gifts. That was gorgeous. Smashed it. And your hot chocolate to come. Foxy. Something to look forward to.

I think I win. I think I win. It's not a competition. I know, but like, do you know what I mean? Like if you could pick any of these. Helen, not a competition. So M wings. Yeah, M win.

M. I'm going to buy your present so thank you for this Catherine give me the bag back I've got to use it again no dead she'll get her gift in that don't throw the egg off no I wrapped it I wrapped it into your paper

I wrapped it on my coat which is very soft I throw it oh shit we all heard it bad this is why you can't have nice things what no I've got a question please do you guys know do you guys know any good like

board games yeah for the family yeah code names We've done code names before. Articulate. Labyrinth. My family is not very articulate. Articulate would be like,

what's that word? I don't know. Cod names are so good. Code names is so good. Andrew, what was your one? Labyrinth. Are you familiar with Labyrinth? What's Labyrinth? It's a board with like little tiles, but movable tiles.

And then you're at start in each corner and you have to get somewhere else in the board. But the way you move is you put a tile into the board and it moves all the other tiles so the maps can't suddenly changing. So of course you're like, oh I need to get there, but then someone screws you over and you're like, oh fuck, I've got to change and you're all competing against each other without knowing the other person's objective. Oh, that sounds good. That sounds great. It's very quick to pick up. It's good. If I may as well, I'm a huge fan of Monopoly deal. Never thought

I'd say that, but it's a bit of fun now. Monopoly deal is so good. It's just tricky if you've got over four. I've played it with six, but I get you. There's 15 bowers this year. That's too many. Oh my God. Sorry, you want a board game for 15 people. Or something that like, that's never going to happen. Code names can happen in big groups. That's tough. Half of the Bowers in that 15 will not be participatory. Okay.

But you still got seven and a half players. Because we did herd mentality last year, which was really good if you played it. That's so funny that you told us about this. It just doesn't work. None of us thinking, no one's normal. Say what you mean. There's a lot of learning difficulties in the Bauer family.

The autism runs deep in the Bowers, not in a like in a genuinely diagnosed way no one shares the same thought in the herd yeah so no one ever gets everyone just gets one point that's so funny what if you do herd mentality but if somebody says the same answer you like ostracise them for thinking normally actually i kind of love that like oh you have to go oh yeah your your punishment is you get to go sit alone in a room and enjoy your own company everyone like no oh no oh no oh no Just kind of like Win individual or something

It would be great Win individual That's good Check about that Oh no I don't have to be Round loud Cousin Helen for a minute

Oh no I'm gutted I'd love to win a prize where you're just going to go and be alone for an hour You know that moment When you

I was like When I was younger The game that was played The most with me Was whoever can stay quietest For longest Win the prize And then you get older

And you realise That wasn't a game And it was just just shut the fuck up. Yeah. But like... You had to grow older to realise that? So long to realise.

I was like, here we go! You had to hold your breath to hold my breath. And I'd be like looking around like, oh my God, we're playing. He's going to win. Yeah. Absolute bananas. How long it took me to like realize that we just didn't want Helen.

And I was actually only four. Yeah, but I'd still play that game with you, I think. Awful. You get it. But I've just, this Christmas, I've told you this already, but like I am going to allow the silences. Sure you are. I am.

I am. I'm not going to, every time someone goes, I'm not going to be like, oh, I need to get a conversation going for everyone. I'm just going to go like, I'm going out for a cigarette. Enjoy yourself. You're going to be smoking a lot. I know. I usually do smoke a lot of...

But one of my smoking cousins is coming recently. So, it's great. That sounds like you fancy your cousin, but okay. Yeah, one of my absolute smoking hot cousins. She's got a boyfriend, he'll be there. But that's not actually letting this... That's you extracting yourself from the silences. You're still not letting the silences lie, really.

The silence is on... Oh, that's such a good point, Andrew. To sit... Oh, God. Yeah, to sit in the silence, though. Number one, I will say this with the bowers. It's never silent because a lot of us have the same. same deviate septum it's quite a loud silent room oh yeah yeah you're like sitting beside

you is hilarious we're breathing it's like yeah yeah you don't have to do an impression of it just be quiet for a second let's see let's see we tried this do you remember like if very early like episode 10 or something you we tried to do 30 seconds of silence and you genuinely had a panic attack no I would love no it's bad isn't it my breathing but like my uncles are worse than they are i believe you i believe you so like the bower silence is like it's more because you could it's like dar faders always around you and um we're like quite noisy eaters and it's not good yeah i will say the thing in our i'm looking forward to christmas i'm looking forward to it's going to be a good time i'll say the thing

in our house um because my dad and my brother and i all have this thing I don't know like they're trying to figure out the root of it but none of us have medically found the source of it it's like it's not a sinus thing but it's like always having to clear your throat so they'll always if you're like quiet in my parents' house there's always somebody being like he's like

he's like we're a hell we're hell so everybody's got their own thing every family's got their own quark and ours is breathing that's fun I can't wait to find out what Ellen's families is this Christmas.

I know that's the thing you're going into a new environment. Yeah. But they're very much, they're like very joyful. I mean, the times that I've spent with them at weekends before, it's like, we all go for runs together,

which I love. And they're not so English. No comment about us all running together. I thought you'd have something to say, but you don't. I'm not going to. I'm choosing not to. And it's very cute.

Coco, who's Helen's, Helen, whoa, dear God. Ellen's brother's girlfriend described it because we all follow her dad.

Like her dad just like, sets the pace, which is lovely. Mickey's so sweet. But she's like, it makes her feel like a little duckling, like following after the dad. And it does have that energy. Sorry. Sorry, that's bad.

That's all me. And I thought we were referring to you and Ellen go jogging together. The family. One second. Apologies for that. I would have picked up on that earlier. Yeah, that's what I thought. I was like, don't you want to slag on?

Sorry, no, I just assumed that you and Ellen were going for jogging. I was like, no, I'm not. Oh, we do that. We do that all the time. But I'm not slagging off exercise or whatever. Like, you've got to do you. But family. exercise me and ellen and her brother and his girlfriend and her dad and sometimes her other brother

will go for her own as a family well not as a family we just all go for her own i guess like i'm yeah it doesn't make me any more related to them i'm just going to look around the room just for a reaction just to see if i'm like that's that's too much no yeah i love it it's so nice it's so cute some family i just couldn't believe that they wanted to you have to understand my family can i just say I adore them but I'll be like does anyone want to go for a walk and everyone's like no fuck or no I'll go for walk my own when I feel like it and it's like and everyone does go for a walk yeah but they go privately alone and I'm like I just wondered if anyone would maybe want to go for a walk so I always meet up with my friend Karen on Boxing Day as you call it and we go for a walk because nobody

else wants to walk with me but sometimes my dad does but only have like the crack of dawn so I quite like that they're like oh yeah we all go for a run together if you want I understand the family walk To be clear, it's usually a case of I would run anyway, so would they all. So her dad will go oh, if anyone wants to join for a run, I'm going at nine. No. And then everyone will be like, okay, yeah, I'll come.

Nope, you use the phrase like little ducklings. It's so cute. I'm not letting you, I'm not letting you be like coincidentally we're all in the same path. No, but I mean like, ducklings behind. It's not it's not ducklings. It's so sweet. And also her dad is that thing that like English dads do we're like it's only when you're sort of like all running in a straight line and you're

like doing something else that they'll tell you like their deepest darkest secrets and then you learn about making it so sweet. What world is this? Do you interact with other people as you run past them? Oh my God. No, we're not like, hi, hey, hey, hey, hi, hey, hey, hey. Everyone's just trying to run like and breathe at the same time. It's like, it's a very...

And this will happen on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day? Well, no, we wouldn't run all the days. I guess, I don't know what days they all, I guess it'll just like if somebody says, do you want to go for you are setting up a video and filming this i've definitely not i have to see this family jog i mean it's only happened a couple of times also her brother's much faster so at some point till sprind off yeah it's nice though i don't know i go running i went running with her dad when alan was too sick to go running i wouldn't be clear that i don't think my version is the running thing i think it's just like it's too many people for you but the familial like the closeness of some

families does make me like what what's your secret it's so interesting that you read it as close though because like I think part of it's like they're a very like like they're very much like a fit family who like would all run anyway but it doesn't mean that they're like they'll do it in silence a lot of the time like it is like it's not necessarily very close it's not even the running it's like a family who like does like so like this is not me slagging off my people like Disney adults yeah but there's families who like go to the parks every weekend and they all dress up the same hell but I don't think that's we're not dressing the same yeah I do feel like it is an important distinction between like I think I'm just sort of I find it remarkable

and nice refreshing I guess because my dad ran loads and he like I think he ran marathon specifically so that nobody could join him like it was like it was like he was running so that like this is my private time he was like I'm getting away from you people so just I guess for me I'm just like the fact that somebody's like do you want to do this together it's so nice but I guess you're right, I guess it's a little nath. I don't know if it's enough. I think it's just out of my realm of knowledge. Well, I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah. And I think we'll be, hopefully we'll do it a bit over, Chris. It's like, you know what? I figured out, it's like families that all watch like films together. Oh, yeah, they do that. And they all have the exact same, same taste in films. Oh, God, there's no such family, is there? And there'll be 100% there is.

And they'll be like, oh, on New Year's Day, we always gather around and watch the Full Order of the Rings trilogy. together. I don't know any family that can choose a film together. And they share a blanket and it's like

you're sharing a blanket. No, that's hell. No, I don't want any part of that. Right. This is a family who like, I think that they will at all times be wearing formal wear.

Like as in like everyone will be fully dressed the whole time I expect. I could be wrong. I'd hope so. No, but my family at Christmas would be like, pajamas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it'll be that. I think it'll be like, it's the daytime. Okay, okay. So there be none of that. There's, you know, yeah.

We only ever watch a film, we've watched a film together as a family, me and my family in years, like, without one person abstaining or being like, that's... At least one person abstaining, one person wandering off 10 minutes in. Yeah. I usually abstain. My dad wanders off 10 minutes in or he falls

asleep and then wanders off. Exactly, but we're not like, everyone, come on kids, let's jump on the sofa. It's movie night. We can spend four hours bickering about what we want to watch and then ultimately start three and give up. Right? Yeah, no. You know what? I was thinking about this when I watched Paddington 3.

the brands are too close that's what it is this is why i'm like being funny at the moment like they're like like the big thing in this last film is like i remember we all used to fit on one sofa and it's like you live in like a massive house in portobello in notting hill why are you all sitting on a sofa yeah like there's different chairs get an armchair like what aged is it weird to sit on a parent's lap five you made and you sit on your laptop and his christmas he's my baby boy thank you it's different we do a problem

I'd love to let's do a problem fabulous yes so we have a problem from I gotta get the initial backup sorry

gary smith from from from Jay hi Jay for Jesus baby Jesus oh my god

hello Jesus happy birthday happy birthday for next week this is this is from baby Jesus 1000 years old very dro it's actually a Christian

Chandler found I told you I watched so I haven't seen me yet still I guess it was the writer's joke but okay sorry sorry Andrew she probably fucking in I'd love it so Jay says hi I am a trans man hello Jay last Christmas some of my family wanted a full family picture however my family doesn't really get along here we got however one of my cousins was going to do it with Photoshop which I thought was a nice idea however I didn't want to be in it for a lot of personal reasons but despite me saying no I found that they were going to do a it anyway and use a picture of me from when I presented as female if I didn't give them a

picture because they thought it was funny, which I consider blackmail, it very much is. I went mad, however, they still put a picture of me in it. That was a few years ago, but, sorry, however, I'm smelling my wrist to stay calm at this point of the problem, Joe. However, they still put a picture of me in it that was a few years old, even though I said no. For context, I've made more boundaries in the last year and stuck to them which they don't like also i've been outed by some of my family after going mad i was told i should have done it even though uh i didn't want to now my family is not really speaking to me because i stuck to what i thought was right all about the photo yeah uh my question is do i let it lie or should i keep to what i think is right p s looking forward to seeing katherine in

soho oh that's nice thank you for coming to soho i hope you enjoyed the show at this point you'll have seen it um he doesn't want to be in the photo wait is the question should he be in this year's photo or what what's the confusion um i'm confused sorry uh so yeah this last christmas they wanted to do a photo um he said no and they were like oh we'll we'll just photoshop you in from when you were presenting female yeah ha ha ha ha and he was like that's fucking no don't do that and they photoshopped him in anyway i as male presenting but still like without his concern an old photo though yeah an old photo and now there is it's coming around to Christmas again.

What do we do? I don't know there's like a good Photoshop option of sort of like you as like a mask dragon sort of like over all of them sort of like blowing fire and they're all burning and screaming like the skin melting off them. I gather that these people might then just choose a photo they found better. Okay. I think I think everyone can have fun with Photoshop though. Yeah, you could make your own Photoshop version where they all.

where you're like giving them all the bird like giving all the birds sure yeah yeah how about a photo of the entire family okay and you're sort of like above it as this angel like evil archangel right and evil arch angel like um oh what are they called in dogma like ben affleck and dogma yeah ben affleck and dogma let's google that but but it could be an advent calendar theme picture for the next year and when they open the window on each of the family members faces it has the place and type of death they will have the date

as well because that really freaks people out like harbangers of debt yeah yeah yeah just to like freak them out so then they know how horrible it is to have someone do something with your photo that you didn't want done and then it's um you're making them taste their own medicine

right that revenge is the best revenge it's definitely an option yeah i guess mine would be like i guess for me the question that isn't answered is like where is this photo going like is it being put on facebook is it being put on the internet is it being put on display um because i think it's absolutely valid and correct to just opt out like i think it's fine to be like i want no part of this we don't get on pretending that we've all been in the same place via photo Photoshop is bananas and you are deeply disrespectful of who I've told you that I am. It's a no thanks for me, maybe even on Christmas, but I understand that you might feel

differently once in the time with your family, fine. But I think I'm completely legitimate to put your boundaries down, especially if it's not going anywhere you have to necessarily see it. I'm like, if you want to be absolute dicks about it, then I can't really stop you. But if you are worried that it's going to be somewhere that you have to view, then maybe I would just give them a recent picture of yourself because I know how. upsetting and triggering it can maybe be to see a photo that doesn't represent you from the past as a trans person but it's these are shit choices this is very much rock and hard place like they

have put you in a horrible position i'm sorry that they've put you in that position i think i would be like you guys suck do you but probably a less than stubborn person would give them a photo that they could stomach seeing so that they didn't have to be tormented. But it feels like you lose in both situations and they win in both situations. And I just think it's so cruel and mean and I'm just sorry that it's happening. Lower yourself to their level day. Lower yourself to the level. Be like, oh, are you doing a family photo this year? Don't worry. I've already done it for everyone. I wanted to do my own composition this year. And it's all of them drowning in a sea of poo.

and then you're just on the side like fishing or something like that you know you can really tell your dad works in sewage you can sometimes yeah but I think just like it'd be like no no I'll do it this yeah I've got this I've absolutely got this and just like you know what how about take old pictures of them no one does well at 14 how about that that could be fun just get 14 year old pictures of all of them absolute muntas I guarantee just really on flattering angles just like yeah there's lots of unflattering angles out there That's actually a solid show. And put that all together and be like,

I thought this would be easier. And straight on Facebook. Yeah. Tag everyone. I don't know where we're saying Facebook. Send us to local paper. You can do announcements in the paper. That's fun.

Oh my God. Straight in the local paper. That's fun with the announcement being family are shits to Sun. Yeah. Do that get everyone's old photos and commit to it. And if you're not good at Photoshop, go to a local art college. Make friends with some teenagers on that.

the street they're brilliant at computer or there's an app called fonto um which you can use as a free app you just have to watch a little advert to get your picture at the end of it p h o n t o fonto what i do for my little promotional images well there you go yeah i've got to teach you a better way than that but it means i can add hearts and little words you could do that without having to watch an ad Oh, really? Yeah. I don't want to pay on Instagram, on, you can have Snapchat if you want even. Could I come to this class?

Yeah. I don't have Snapchat. Why would we have Snapchat? Well, you can just use, you download up editing software. You can just use it for software. Yeah, it's because it's got a camera. We're not prejudiced. I said this already.

We won't be getting Snapchat. It's for talking to children, I think, Andrew. Yeah. Not appropriate. But, Jay, I would say Fonto. would be your one. See, would you not say lower yourself to their level

because they've already shown that they can't be trusted. I'd say book a trip to the Canary Islands for Christmas. Like I'd say peace out to these motherfuckers but I guess it's very easy to say that about somebody else's family.

Yeah, and it is tricky because you get family guilt even if they've been ourselves. Yeah, I guess. Tell you what else could be quite fun. Just so they could like really taste the photo thing. Everyone gets their face printed

onto a mug, like a bad photo with them on a mug. It's quite funny. Yeah, it seems like a big outlife. It is, but to be right, and for them to realize that, you know, everyone gets to choose their own photo, I think, is an important thing. But the problem is they are saying you can choose your own photo. He just doesn't want any part of the family photo, does he? Yeah, but when he said, well, no, I don't want to be in it, they just chose an old photo of him that he didn't want.

But then you are sort of giving into coercion at the point at which you send. Oh, yeah. I think that's the issue. Spit in their faces. Okay. So we've gotten too low. We've got no, no, no, no crimes, no crimes. We just said no Snapchat.

Not in a family member, not in a family member on Christmas Day. I don't think it's right. I think if you went into a court of law and said they did this crime to me, which I hated, these pictures I didn't want, they're not respecting who I am. I feel like you don't understand what makes it to courts and what doesn't. I do. I've seen Neegli Blonde over four times.

Over four times It's too many times Helen This year Let's take this up in the extras Okay We won't be taking this on the extras Guys thank you so much for listening

Have a happy fucking Christmas Our next episode is out on Boxing Day Stevens' Day to me And we'll see you then And good luck until then Oh God good luck Just stay safe, stay sane

Bring your own food if you need to If you're feeling lonely There's over 48 hours worth of stuff On the Patreon If you need that That would be amazing and really help us out as well. Also, early access is on Christmas Day.

Early access is on Christmas Day. Oh, that's fun. Just tell them we're a news podcast. Yes. I got to catch up on the news. I'm going to catch me, sorry, say, sorry. Good luck, Jay. And to all of us, may it be the merriest Christmas of all.

Woo-hoo. Don't text me. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much to our executive producers in the executive producer land. We have to thank Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Annie Tonner, Stephanie Katarachia.

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