Trusty Hogs - Ep166. Swimming, STIs & Standing Ovations

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

Catherine recounts her recent Indian adventures and contemplates Boxing Day dilemmas, meanwhile Helen is *literally* falling apart at the seams...NEW MERCH: trustyhogs.com/merchLEICESTER (15/2): Live Show TicketsThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Sadie CashmorePRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah J / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven ChickenWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Hello! I am doing a new show next year. Tor to be announced. Edinburgh, to be announced.

But until then, I'm doing some work and progresses to get my show into shape. I will be in Bristol on the 23rd of January. I'll be at Top Secret on the 27th of January in London. I'll be in Leicester on the 15th of February. So will Catherine Andrew and Trustee Hogg's Live. I'll be in London again on the 19th of February. It'll always be comedy. Then I'm in Glasgow and then I'm in Brighton in May and March.

Please come and see me. Hello, my tour, again with feelings, is still happening. Can you believe that? Do you know why it's still happening? Because it's the Guardian's best show of the year. Second best, but you're so sweet. Second best show of the year. You're so sweet.

It is, to be fair, and that's nice. And you can come see it in Belfast on the 19th of January. You can come see it in Margate on the 12th of February. You can come see it on the 15th of February in Leicester. The 19th of March, Birmingham, 22nd of March, Glasgow, 23rd of March, Edinburgh, 26th of March, Manchester and the 28th of March in Bristol. I can't do it any more times than that.

Come on, fair's fair. I'll see you there. 6.6. Do you mean, I think you're thinking of 666? Yeah, but like... Which is another 500 episodes from now. Yeah, but 6.6. It's episode 1, 6, 6.

That doesn't mean anything. Like 1. No, but 2 6s have got to mean something as well. It doesn't mean what you think they mean, though. The devil's coming. No, that's 666. Yeah. So what's 2. sixes. It's all amazing. It's episode 166 of Trusty Hogg. Yeah, it is welcome.

Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trust. trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not God, I thought I was going to be the weird one today because I'm jet-lagged. Welcome, I'm Catherine Bohart.

She's Helen Bower and this is a podcast about our perfect lives where we solve your honestly very worrying problems when we get around to them if we can if we do think of it and we'll definitely try. And it's Boxing Day.

And it's Boxing Day! Oh my God, sorry, yes. Obviously we are recording this in advance and so we need to get into the headspace of Boxing Day. okay I feel sick I'm so full even from yesterday let me get into the space I um I'm suddenly I can feel a niggle but I don't know what it is but what it is is the the soon to be awareness that I did actually pay for all those presents oh no I'm thinking any gift receipts I'm thinking um is it

appropriate to wear my pajamas in front of my girlfriend's parents yes a hundred percent 100% I'm thinking what else am I thinking wait what sort of pyjamas like a tiny vest no bra

and like those shorts that could be pants you wish good morning Mrs Robertson that was just I thought you wanted to have you fucking wish

I would love that no I'll wear something oversized obviously I'm not some sort of pre- I'm not some sort of perversion no me neither God man I'm not going to go to the Protestants

and scare them what am I doing boxing day this year I'll be wet I'm wet I'm wet I'm surrounded by all my cousins. What?

We're in an Airbnb with a pool. Okay, thank God. I'm soaking wet. I'm sopping. Is it indoors? Yeah, there's an indoor pool at the Airbnb. Holy Jesus, what length are we talking? I don't know.

Oh. Enough to have a splash. It's all hopeful. I know. I'm hoping we all, well, Christmas will be over by, well, I know they might hear them. But if you're listening to this and you're currently in the house that I'm in with one of the 15 Bowers, do not listen to this. Stop listening. Hang up.

Or whatever it is. So hang up. Hang up! I want to time the pool to be at a different time to the rest of them. It's never going to happen. Fifteen people,

there's always going to be someone in there. There'll be some non-swimmers. I am not reminding anyone there's a pool there. I'm hoping no one has checked or lurked. No one's going to forget about the pool and the Airbnb. What are you talking? Bowers run thick. It's the U.K.

There are some severely thick bowers. Even they'll notice the fucking... Are you kidding me? Come on. There's some thickos. No, behave yourself. I'm hoping to be alone. The best you can hope is that the thickos forget their swimware.

And then they just go in naked. no that they then can't go swimming they can't go swimming no bowers they're not going to go in their pants my their dad my grandfather was a nudist he was like one of the founding nudists of the colonies in london is he the guy who was also had like a weird like a man died of the STIs and STDs yeah yeah yeah that's the one what a complicated he fucked himself to death rest and peace grandpa bow wow he literally did no one else's grandfather died of those things oh no no no no no he was an absolute shabre bagel was grandpa, I loved it. And his girlfriend, Anne, she was in her 80s,

and they'd have, like, nipple chains together. Yeah, but she was proper, like, I think, like, the English don't age good in general, but she was like, old English, like, you got to get the whip, John! It's so funny, I was just in India. I came back on, two days ago as we are recording this, and in my show, obviously, I have a bit about Botox,

so I was like, anyone didn't get Botox, and obviously it was, like, a room full of Indian women, so they were just like, no, we're gorgeous. And I was like, you guys, you've got to understand that a lot more people say yes when it's white ladies. And oh, how they laugh and laughed and laughed. And then we're like, that makes sense.

The stupid white women. Well, I don't think they were saying stupid so much as like, yeah, you guys need that. Oh, we didn't tell you what's happening as well. Oh, please. It's boxing day for you right now. However, next week we've got a best of episode coming out. And then the week after that,

we're back. We're back with a bang. We're doing New Year's. We're doing New Year's. And not only are we back, we'll be back with new artwork. We're elevating this year. We're elevating. We're upwardly mobile.

Full photo shoot. We did a full photo shoot. We've got very cute little twist on our little classic image, except that now in the studio, where we currently have pictures with like superimposed fake hands that I have. It'll be like our real bodies. Our real hands. No Photoshop bottoms. Could you imagine if we just like got Andrew to Photoshop your hands onto my hands and vice versa? like how much bigger my hands would look on you

are your hands that much bigger than mine oh yeah a whole finger that's a knuckle above no it's not look at that that's not that much bigger it's bigger it's bigger but it's not that much bigger you're right let's swap hands okay let's do a hand transplant you're saying it like it's um I thought they'd actually be a lot bigger than that I'd be upset to have bigger hands but I'm gay girl you've got freaky hands I have very large hands for my body right

yeah I'm disproportionately long for my self yeah oh I know, stubby little legs though So it all bounced I'm sorry, tell us everything about India Oh my God, sorry, yes Okay, so I went to Mumbai I've never been to India before

It was a sensory overload It was like every feeling Okay, first of all They're the best, some of the best crowds I've ever had They have a really new comedy scene It's been going for like 10 years They love comedy

Other rooms were full And like other artists come to see you Which is amazing And then also like they love a standing oh so even if you're like completely fine they'll give you one which makes you feel wicked and they clap a lot

oh my god I know some culture of like some people are just better up they're just better up being audiences yeah they were so good it was amazing and then um yeah I mean everyone kept being like oh you don't need to change your thing like it'll be exactly the same and I was like there's always like a bit of anxiety when you go to a new place especially maybe for me my queerness makes me a bit

nervous about saying it's so reasonable yeah Yeah, and no, oh my God, they were like really up for it and probably a self-selecting audience as theatres often are, but so nice and really supportive and fun and funny. And then I am, Claire, my agent came with me and she'd been to India before because she drove a rickshaw across the country in some like rickshaw race, crazy. Like a TV show competition?

No, just like a thing that people go on. For fun? For fun, she's so cool. Anywho, she meant that I was more like adventures. than I would naturally be. But also, she has blonde hair, so it was like going everywhere with a celebrity. Thank you. People kept asking for her selfies.

I was like, I think you'll find I'm the talent. And I was like, I guess I'll hold the bag. Also, red hair's exciting. Not in India, baby. They were all about Claire. Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire, could not get enough of her. It was very cute.

She was sweetly, very self-conscious. And it was just, yeah, basically. Where did you stay in the bag? Where to start? We stayed in what was basically like the kind of like city, but then we spent a lot of time ginging in Bandra which is like the artsy sort of centre but I didn't know that Mumbai used to be seven islands

so they then reclaim the land and put them back together so everything takes quite a long time to get to in cars it's a bit like LA apparently I've not been to LA but like you'll be kind of going along my phone's on I'm so sorry oh it's Andrew it's Andrew it's Andrew

oh my god the audacity of it why is my phone on loud as well what are you 85 have you increased the font Who has it on loud? That was so weird. Are you going to ring someone later? What are you doing?

I think maybe I've put it on preemptively for Christmas Day. So I can be like, I've got a guy someone's messaging. And it's just an Instagram notification. It's the 20th, the December or 19th or whatever the hell it is. It's good to be prepped. That's ridiculous. I almost said redonculus, which tells me how tired I am. Rydonculus.

What was I saying? Oh, just that he was amazing. Wait, is redonculus, is that a spell on Harry Potter? No. No. Never mind. It sounded like it for a second, didn't it? What does it do?

Ridonculus. It gives you like what? You're just like, what's the spell that gives Dudley-Dersley a pig's tail? Nope, don't know. And Hagrid gives it to him. Rudonculus. Never mind. No, maybe it's not that.

Sorry, Catherine. India. No, that's fine. I'm so tired that I'm not telling this very well. What I mean to say is it was unlike anywhere I've ever been. It was the driving is crazy. It's like five. There's like seemingly three lanes, but it's like five or six vehicles wide.

you get five people on one motorbike all the time it's just a full family it'll be a woman's that side saddle with her baby hanging over the side and everyone's like do do do and I'm like so much fun um everything I ate was the best thing I've ever eaten except all the Indians at the table would be like this is fine and you'd be like what this is the greatest food I've ever had what were your go-to orders I didn't order ones I let all I let everyone order for me why would you order when like I don't know what anything is and everything they ordered

was amazing oh my god lush Aroo took me to this curry place where they bring out in tiny, tiny dishes, every curry sauce that's on the menu and you taste them all, they talk you through them all, like a little tasting with a teaspoon, and then you choose your curry. Obviously, I got off the train a little early. When we got into the teens, I was like, oh, probably, probably I'll just go with one of these milder ones. But it was amazing.

I'll just have that with tofu. Yeah, that sounds amazing. And you got a corba. It was really, really special. Yeah, the food was incredible. We went to Swatty Sweet. Did you have any samosas? no i was addicted to the samosas on trains when i went to india like lads just come on

how have you managed to find the trains of samosas the like rustlers burger equivalent train samoses train samoses train samoses is what you think i should have tried in india 100% okay so you've got a train but it would be like like a day long or whatever so then that people would just come on and like sell samoses and you get like two big units and some chili sauce and i was like every single time they came on even if there's three in one stop. I'm like, yeah, hit me. Okay, wow. No, we didn't do that. We did a lot of, um, is it Panipori? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the street free, the little, um, like, fried. Except we did them in restaurants. I was like, oh, I'm supposed to, I think I'm supposed to eat the street food. Everyone keeps saying to eat the street food. And Arooge said to, um, that I was on max a loud street

adjacent that I didn't have the stomach for it. And I think she was right. She was like, you better be able to, you can see the street, but don't be on the street. And I was like, okay, fair enough. It's sort of like, if you come to London, you've got a, have a hot dog outside of Leicester Square Station. I don't know that you do. It's what, it's so, you must. It was amazing. It was honestly amazing.

We did the natural history museum. We did the art museum. We, um, what else did we do? I saw a lot of Indian comics. They were amazing. We ate just the most amazing food. It was so good. We had opum, which are like, it's like this fermented bread, but it's like, um, it looks

like a cloud. It's all bubbles and then you put sauces into it and just eat. Oh, my. I'll have that, yes, please. So good. They have a restaurant here, I think that does them. It's called hoppers, maybe, or? Hoppers, the fancy Islington coffee place.

Or was that Poppums? That's Poppums. That's Poppums. That's Poppums. It makes Hoppums, but. Are we going for dinner in January? Should we go then? We should go there?

It's so good. But the thing is, I don't think I've ever had any food, any Indian food, as good as the food in India here. I know that's an obvious thing to say, but like, they must just think our food is so dog shit. Like, I was like, they did. Yeah, they tell us. they say it all the time. But no, but like they should say it more.

I'd be like, why are you paying 20 pounds for cardboard? Have you tasted anything good ever? Like, it was, everything was just incredible. It was incredible. I think you have the perfect experience as well as far as, like, being taken around. Oh my gosh. And being like, I'm vegetarian, do what you want.

100%. I will say that the, um, between the Mumbai Comedy Festival and Soho, who brought me out. Yeah. There was just always someone delightful to bring me for lunch. Were you a princess? I really was a princess. I said, I said, because I was, on the last day I was having lunch with submit who'd be.

bringing me around and Sam Campbell and Zoe Coombsmore and I was like oh man I'm gonna miss the hotel I was like I'm really I said out without thinking which is true which is like I do a lot of the cooking in my house so in my head that was the context but I was like I this is how I know I was a princess for the week is because I was like I'm gonna miss having my fruit cut up and Zoe Coombsmore just went it's been a pleasure getting to know you this week and I was like back I'm not this isn't who I fucking hate that when you're like I thought We were just being honest about what our favorite thing of the week is. And it's like, spending time with you.

Fuck off. I know. Actually, fuck off. Yeah, truly like, fuck you. So that was very funny. Was it really nice getting to know Zoe Kim's mom or though? You know what? There you go.

She has the most beautiful stroke. Have you ever seen her swim? No. My goodness me, an Australian in a pool is a thing of beauty. My God. I was up everyone. Honestly, they're great. I was out there being like,

she said every single time she would like breathe. on one side, I'd be like, hey, hey, yeah, you're doing great. Wow, wow, wow. Wow, how we were. Yeah, they're great. And we know he had a really good time watching Sam Campbell gig in India. Very funny. I forgot that he was actually messaged him because there was a party last week and I was like,

oh, are you going to be there? And he was like, no, I'm in India. And I was like, Bohar is literally in the air right now. She's on her way. Oh, we found each other. We spend each other. Oh, my heart can't handle it. And now he has a new nickname.

It's called the pit. He's called the pit. The pit. Yeah. Everyone calls Sam Campbell the pit from now on. He's just the pit to me. Okay. Because of his energy.

Oh. He's a fun vacuum. If you're trying to have a nice time, he'll always be a pedant or say something weird. So we all decided he was the pit. How did that make him feel? He kept trying to spin it positively. Okay, good. So he's upbeat.

Yeah. He was upbeat. But also every single time he went on stage, he mocked myself and Zoe, so he deserved it. yeah you're fun to mock yeah he really had a good time with yeah he did lots of jokes and then was about india and then was like sorry i've actually had to learn about the culture but unlike the lesbians i can't just come up i'm a lesbian i'm a lesbian i'm a lesbian lesbians are culture vultures about you i thought so but apparently not anyway we had a nice time it was a gorgeous time um rob copland was there yes at one point this and one morning he was eating like like rainbow cereal

and Sam was eating like chocolate cheereers or they both, I just have a picture of the two of them like having their cereal. Like American kids at a hotel being like, shuggy! It is exciting when you get access to like a really fun cereal that you don't have in the house.

But also crazy because this, the buffet at this hotel was incredible. It was like, Oh my God, Ban-Marie's my favourite. It was, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, okay, what time are you going down for breakfast?

Get this, breakfast runs from 7 to 11. But wait, there's a room should you be late shut your whole mouth that goes to 1230 shut the fuck up huh

don't mind if we do full buffet nothing is limited you just says one specific room it's three rooms they all have the same breakfast but it goes down to one at 11

question yes are they checking your number could you reentry if you breakfasted at 7 and wanted to go again for an 11 o'clock didn't personally have to check it

but let me tell you why I didn't have to check it because none of this secret lunchbox that I had brought my lunchbox you can they'll give you a fucking doggy bag

yeah thank you yes thank you why does it matter to you if I take some buffet home with me and for the millions time on this podcast they will say that is also standard in Europe

we always have bags for you that you can take you just need to ask we just don't advertise it from one hotel previous buffet worker to you may I you please okay

full hot breakfast European whatever you want to call that English essentially and full Indian hot breakfast everything you could possibly imagine then also you can order eggs however you like them you can order Dosa however you like them

you can order like French toast You can order pancakes Is it like Dosa or like Yeah it's Ville Dosa It's like also lots of like There were lots and lots of like rice And semolina and like lots of cooked veg And it was just and sort of like

Dali quality foods But like it's the one of quality is not the word of but fibre strong like you'd be able to get out for a full day beautiful beautiful food like really really gorgeous

and then juices juice juice fruit platters I love my cut beautiful cut up watermelons into like little hearts they were divine papaya dragon fruit

which we discerned was actually dragon fruit's really like the pretty girl of the group isn't it you're like wow there's really nothing inside you but yeah nothing there but gorn just to look at Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, pineapple, all kinds of melons.

I love pineapple. It was divine. Guess what I had every morning that I really think changed the game for me because I didn't get any kind of deli-belly. No, a yakult. Every morning. Every morning, and I didn't get... I didn't get sick ones.

I think it really helped. He probably did. What is yakult? It's just like a probiotic yogurt drink. It tastes like chalk, but it really did the job. What is probiotic? I never know. M?

It's for your gut. It's like bacteria. Yeah. Good bacteria. Yeah. Oh, Sly. Thank you very much. And they made this, sorry to be boring, but they made the most beautiful bircher Musley every morning.

You love a butter. I love a birch. And they topped it with tinned peaches. And honestly, exquisite, loved every minute of it. The breakfast was actually a revelation. And also I became friends with the chefs because one time I couldn't find Claire for a minute and he helped me find her.

And then he knew our regular order. And then he brought us the same order every morning. And then she went home and then we missed her. What was your regular order? We both got gluten-free toast But really nice for gluten-free toast With two poached eggs

And sometimes she had ham And sometimes I had salmon But he checked just And he always put the holidays on the side That's a really happy trip Catherine It was honestly so nice It was so nice

And I spent a lot of time by the pool And we spent a lot of time Walking around We went to the Gateway of India I saw that in Calaba I might be wrong I feel like it's in Calabah in Mumbai?

Maybe. Maybe. Probably. I think that's the area that I stayed in the first time I went there. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually should know that, but I don't know that. It's like super touristy. Yes, very, very, very. Also, did you see the...

Did you buy loads of bangles? No. No, no. Did you see the, there was actually, there was, we did find a jewellery place that was selling like stuff all by female jewelers and got some matching earrings. I'm not wearing mine right now, but we got matching earrings. That's cute.

Claire? Yeah. Sorry. Did you know that she used to work and accessoryized too? No! Yeah, I told her that you used to do. Which one?

I didn't ask any further questions. Probably not the flagship store. Hello. That's where I was that. Well, I'll ask her. Ask her she stole. Oh, I'm not going to do that. No.

I don't want to. I didn't either. I didn't either. Some things are better left on asked. Yeah. We had a gorgeous. Did you buy us anything? No.

It's okay. I didn't think so. I actually didn't buy much at all. because I found it all quite like overwhelming. Like I'm really bad with the choice. If you put like two things in front of me, I can pick one. But if you put 25 things in front of me, I get panicky. Claire did some good shopping.

And instead I just sort of was like, ah, ah! Did you go to a spice market and lose your mind, though? We did not go to a spice market. Oh, damn it. What else did we do? We went to, yeah, it was just, it was just gorgeous. It was like really, really beautiful. And also there was Ponsetia everywhere.

That's what they're called. Ponsetia, Ponsetia. The Christmas plan? Yeah, I don't know if they're native, but they were everywhere. And I didn't expect the palm trees. to be everywhere. No pavements. I'll tell you that much. Bloody hell. Where are those? They could do with some of those. You just walk. You can't. Just walk. Well, you know, that's the thing. I know. I found a very panic-inducing. But I loved it. It was great. It was amazing.

Do you want to go back? Definitely. Definitely. Do you like do like the country trip? Yeah, I would say that if I went back, I wished I had like a month to just travel. But also it was incredible and I felt very welcome, which is a really nice way to. feel it is when you're getting on stage and doing stand-up somewhere you've not been before it's like yeah please like me do you know what else and i it was notable go on was to get on stage with like in a culture that's not your own and to be like and i i'm sure there was a huge amount of like i'm sure how we were received as comics is different to how local comics are received i just know that i'm sure we can get away with saying things that they can't etc etc but

you're probably given more liberty but I felt like Indian audiences massively massively afforded trust to the female comics really yeah it was like yep there was no like

hmm it was just like uh huh off we went to the races like I felt really really it was really nice thought about that because like I don't think I noticed it but maybe if I went there I think you notice it when it's not there

yeah yeah yeah I have done some in some places where you're like okay you've all gone very cold and sort of like pulled back even before I start talking shit okay yeah it was just great I just loved it it was really really nice and it was really fun oh I want to do this how do you get booked would anybody else like to hear about this on the podcast well I tell you that I think we'd all like to hear about it I'll tell you after me okay okay okay okay oh yeah because of the um not that I don't think it's good boxing day chat well that I tell you how to get booked for them by comedy festival with me next and also what's awkward

now is it's clear that I want to do it and then you're going to tell me afterwards if I don't do it next year and we'll be like, Helen didn't get booked for it. No. You'll be so clear. I'm just worried about you saying that you want to do it too much

because remember what happened to Montreal and I loved that festival. Oh my God, for anyone who's new here I put it as like one of my dreams to get booked for this Montreal comedy festival. And I put it on my vision board and my first ever vision board I made and the festival got pulled.

do not put it on a board okay i forgot about that katherine that does not help to my sleep tonight oh sorry because i'm saying to katherine and m before we started recording because like katherine's obviously been in india she had her agency christmas party like wearing a crazy gorgeous dress right now with the cutest hair and she's getting her nails done after this she's like what are you doing and i was like i haven't had much sleep but truly i feel crazy because i haven't slept and also oh my god Do you want to feel old? My first ever time going on a plane where I got off the plane and my legs were sausages on the way back.

I was like, oh my God, I think I've reached the age where I need to wear the socks. Okay, the socks are great, but I will say this as well. I've had that randomly and then just didn't have it the next couple of times. Like, it just happened once. I'm never doing it without the socks again. I couldn't believe it. I've got compression socks now. They're really good in winter as well because they keep your energy up because they like force blood flow.

So you actually have more energy throughout the day. oh my god that's really good to know so like they're incredible i i thought like this is bad but it's not that bad and then i was like ellen look at my legs and she was like mah and i was like yeah little sausages do you ever think when you're on the plane like you know when you get out your um like a bag of crisps you bought at the airport or a wood button it's all like puffed up or misshapen because we're 70% water yes the same vibe have our organs done that because you know like like like so some of your organs must really puff up Why are you holding your tits when you say organ?

No, that's me being like, that's, that's how big my tits are. That's me trying to get access to my organ. That's like, I've got to go all the way down. My genes are breaking currently as we sit down, so I can't really. It happens. It happens. It happens. Oh my God, when you said breaking, they've already broken.

They're like, they're like, I'm losing about a thread every two minutes. Let me see. That's like, you can get a fist in there. Sorry to say fist, but you're good. Helen! you can get what you get I get both my hands I'm coming around

no don't don't it's hairy it's hairy it's hairy it's hairy keep it cover it with your fucking face get out of my you're gonna rip her more

I've got nothing else Catherine it ripped more I've got nothing else to wear to wear I've got nothing else to wear home get your fucking arm out there you took it to the knee

you bitch has anyone got a sewing kit I got to your foot has anyone got a sewing care Helen when did that happen if anyone sees me on the bus on the 19th

of December and I was rude please know I was in a tricky place mentally when did that happen um it ripped a bit before I left the house this morning and I was like it's fine like jeans rip whatever are these two um Lucy and yeah yeah but they knew it's the worst that's really not okay I found jeans they fit so nice it fit so well I think the seam is like shoddy yeah because that's not like but I bought two pairs from them and the other one hasn't had this at all but they're loose fit that's the thing. It's not like, to be clear, if you're imagining, like, what I was imagining, that classic, you know, you get the rub at the top of your thigh and then it slowly, slowly pulls away. It's not, it's like, that's like, that's actually just like

a straight-up fucking sworn theme. Like the material hasn't worn down. Absolutely wild to go out with them like that. I'm going to email them. So insane. Yeah, you should. So we're both calling me insane then. Well, yeah. We're both doing that. Right before Christmas, when I'm clearly not thriving. And we're both going to say I'm insane. Just based on your actions. So listen, I- Does anyone have a sewing care in the office? You would need Gaffirate. No, I'll take it.

I agree with you Zafirte. That's great. No, you actually should take that. I think that's fair. Because I don't live like crazy close to the studio. I mean, I've got a long, thank you Zafia. I've got a long trench coat. Good.

So. People with holes in their jeans and trench coats on don't exactly scream. It's also awkward like going back to one family Christmas with my new jeans and it's like it's already awkward like being like the fat one in the family. in them not being the fat one his jeans can't stay on either

it's such a it's so annoying that people no hang on I'll come around it's such a big hole yeah I know M I know it's a big hole it's not like I don't know that to the listener Catherine

is currently between my thighs and well then get new gaffer tape Lucy and yak if you are listening I would love to be sent a free pair and give you guys a second chance I'd really appreciate that Love your t-shirts, wearing it now.

Let's not bring scissors. If you make these worse, straight down the end seam. Oh, oh my God. I thought that was the material ripping. Oh, no, you don't want that. Oh, you can tear Gaffer tape. Oh, okay, never even.

Okay, I did it. Oh, we're all right. We've got, we've got it. Thank you so much. Thank you. That actually worked with a treat. Yeah? That's actually worked a treat.

Wait. Wow Gorgeous Okay Yeah Wow am I a seamstress Thank you Oh no wait

Is it gone A little bit But it's fine It's still together That's pretty good I'm doing great Yeah Shout out to

Let's give this company a plug 3M 3M1900 Shout out to 3M1900 For all your jeans Needs Yeah thanks for the support I need to get a sewing machine

Or something I don't think you do I think that's the only solution maybe I had some of the other things to tell you but I can't remember

what they were tell me what else you'd be feeling on boxing day other than wet stop holding down your tape please because it looks

like you're scratching yourself well maybe I am scratching myself well trying not to do it on my time thank you it's quite excited isn't I'm going to stop it

on you obviously I'm going to get a little bit flattering someone's sticking you together makes you turns you on anything does at the moment Catherine

one of those days just haven't been I haven't charged on my vibrator I've been lazy. So like every single night it's just like a frustration of being like,

I'm not going to do it now. Should I like every night? We've been over this before. Yeah, every night and every morning. Do you actually? Yes. Is that like a thing you say or is that actually true?

No, in general, true. And then sometimes in the afternoon if I'm gagging. Really? Yeah, to fill the time, you know? Yeah. It puts me to sleep at night, gets me up in the morning.

It's a weird, weird thing. Really? We're not doing this again. Sorry, just every time. I think I must have quite low sex drive when I talk to you, I think, well. But I don't have any sex, really. entire sex life is me just like and if not then I'm just like putting my clip on like any

corner of table I see out and about any like this reminds me I'm a nightmare this reminds me and I'm sorry that it reminds me but we've had so I've had so many people message me remember that video we did a couple weeks ago where I talk about the side effects of my antidepressant the clip that we did yeah I've had so many people get in touch with like advice and obviously Usually that would annoy me, frankly. But instead they're saying that eschatalopram is apparently better than the talopram for your memory. And also quite a few things about my joints.

And it's mainly a lot of people being like, I'm sure you're already talking to your doctor, but please talk to your doctor. There's a lot of doctors messaging me. So I definitely will in the new year. I haven't been, to be honest with you. Do it now. There's always doctor's appointments between Christmas and New Year's.

I'm getting, I've got two dentist appointments. What's wrong with your teeth? Nothing. Then why you two? Well, one for the checkup, one for the hygienist. Okay, fair enough. Doing checkup two days before Christmas. Got the hygienist just up, 28?

In the new year, I'm starting, I'm starting, what you may call it, Invisaline. You're doing it? Yeah, so this will be like one of the last episodes where I probably don't have like some sort of Lisp or something for a while. I cannot wait. You're going to find a charming and I'm going to find it annoying. I think it's so charming. Drinking in, guys, this is the last time you won't be able to hear me moving. I love Invisaline Lispers. I think it's so endearing.

I don't know why. I'm doing that. Oh my God. I wonder if I'll ever do it. How much is it again? Wait, you see it's perfectly straight. No, it's the bottom. There's not room for my wisdom teeth to come through.

So there's two teeth that are half out and then they gave up. Okay. And then because of that, this one's like crossing over that one. Okay. But that's it. And I'm like, at some point they're going to want to come through. And I know it's going to be at the worst. It'll be like the week I'm getting my Oscar or something.

And I'll be like, bloody hell. Not again. Not another one. Not another one. But I know I used to do my manifestation board for next year. Are you going to do one this year? I've never done one. I know.

But I did my first one last year and I think it's been really lush. Have you considered writing a list of things that you're going to do instead of like a vision dream board of things that might happen to you? It's not a... Don't be a bitch. Sorry to be a bitch. Don't be bitching. You're being a right nasty bastard right now, Catherine.

I actually agree with you. It's like you put yourself out there. Like I wrote, I wrote a big to do, I've had a bit too much time with my hands, if I'm honest. I wrote a to do list. No, you're only wanking three times. Sometimes three, mainly two. Okay, and that can be under five minutes

if you hold your breath, them all right, ladies, and they know. Enjoy yourselves. But I wrote a big to-do list from like now until the 5th of January. And on it... Sorry, what? You've written a to-do list for the break?

Well, I like to work. Christmas is just, other tricky. Anyone who's been there for a long time knows Christmas is not like for me it's two days and it's not my favorite two days. It's just incredibly tricky so I like to work through Christmas. Fine. Like I usually have a holiday in January

so I work through it which is also really annoying because all of you stop working when I need to be busy the most. I cannot wait. People stop responding to emails. Yes, people have time with their families. I know. I seem to enjoy it. They're so rude. Can I also say this? It seems like you're going to. I'm saying.

in it. I've said it now. The family, I know that this, you're listening to this unboxing day, which is peak Instagram, awful families day. Oh, right. Okay. I cannot see another family wearing all matching pyjamas. That's completely reasonable. That's actually fine. I too draw the line addressing. Like, I also, sorry, I'm going to say it, I feel this way. Why are you wearing the same outfit as your dad? I have the same feelings about this as I do bridesmaids. Sorry, you're like adults. You don't. need to match. What are you doing? Why are you doing that? What's it for? What's the thing? What do you mean? Why is the youngest have a little t-shirt that's Santa's little helper?

And why is the grandpa wearing a t-shirts that says Santa. Yeah, I just don't like it. If he's Santa, he's at work. And he doesn't have kids because Mrs. Claus famously, Baron. Like, it's absolutely insane. Why is Father Christmas got that many kids? Is that a famous fact about it? I think of all the Father Christmas films that are out there. How many of them does Mrs. Claus have babies in? Zero. What about that one with Anna Kendrick? Isn't she Santa's daughter? Noel.

Yeah. Is she sent his daughter or like, no, adopted in? Is she? A hundred percent. Are you sure? You're right. That Christmas, that Disney film, Noel. She might be the daughter.

Yeah. Okay, fair play. In the modern world, Mrs. Claus is popping him out. But before that, I like to think that she is chosen to be childless. Well, that's not a baron is. Or can't have them. And that's baron, right? I can't believe it.

No, I wish we could stop saying. Baron. I wish we hadn't introduced the word at all. Okay, I'll take it back. Because in the 2019 American Christmas Fantasy Comedy film written by Mark Lawrence produced by Walt Disney Studios, Anna Kendrick does play. Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up

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at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Nailed it. Did you watch single all the way? Were you charmed? You know I watched it because I text you when you're away to India. Yes, isn't it so good? I finally watched single all the way.

Lost my fucking nuts. It's a Christmas movie. with Jennifer Coolidge. You're welcome. Enjoy. And Michael Yuri. I love him so much. It is so great.

So cute. It's a charming time. I was even okay with the final beats being that adorable. I know. It's really, really cute. Genuinely felt emotional. Yeah. Check it out.

I know. Oh, come on. I know. But back to those fucking weird families. Yeah. Okay. Everyone's got a stocking up on the mantel piece. Who's got a fucking fireplace mantel piece?

That's big. That's the thing that Fern Brady always says on Instagram at Christmas. and it always makes me laugh, which is like, she always essentially says, like, it's a fun time to see who was pretending at poor because you see in people's houses and you're like,

look at these fucking living rooms. So true. Look at these mantel pieces. Give me a fucking break. And you can see the trauma in some of the people in the family's eyes, all like smiling, looking down, like the lens together for the perfect Instagram picture.

And it's like, you don't like each other. I'm pretty sure like half of you haven't spoken since this time last year and now you're here wearing matching elf socks but can I say another thing and I know this is like mad I'm angry because I'm jealous

no but what I was going to say is I do think there are functional families which is what you also find out at Christmas and if I may if I may not the time to tell us it's like congratulations keep that to your fucking self

in December who wants to know that now should we do some problems to make ourselves feel better. 100%. A family who does a full monopoly game together in a well.

Without somebody flipping the board. Or someone just getting bored and wandering off for a siggy. Like, it is no way. When people tell me that their families watch movies together, I'm like, the whole family agrees on one film

and stays throughout the whole thing. What are you talking about? Correct. What are you talking about? And you'll cuddle up on the sofa together and matching pajamas. That's not a thing. That's not a thing.

That's fucked up. That's not a thing. You hug your dad once a year if you're lucky. you know why you're cuddling up in a matching outfit no no i find it creepy when they link arms walking down the aisle i don't like it okay sorry we'll have some problems now it is a tricky time for you huh i hate christmas oh i know baby girl okay um this is a pretty intense problem um what an opening gambit first of all love that from m the second of all imagine on this

podcast being like pretty intense problem this is going to be dark strap in okay so this is from S. Hi, S. Hi, Huggs. Thank you for filling my Wednesdays and Fridays with Joy and Laughan. A Patreon. A Patreon. You can tell.

Thank you for my Wednesdays. Get it a day, Ellie. In other news, I've been having an affair with my married colleague for the past three months. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Not on Wednesdays and Fridays, I hope. That's Hogs Day.

For context, I'm a woman and she is married to a man and they've been together for seven years. Uh-huh. She said that we could initially get together because her husband said she was allowed to get with a woman and it wasn't cheating. But then it kept going and she didn't tell him and said that she wanted to keep it a secret. It's been a full on affair, not only just sex, but we've said, I love you to each other

and done things, people in relationships too. Yeah. She said when she's at home, she's thinking of me, but that she will never divorce him because she wants kids and thinks that he will be a good dad and is loyal to him. She pursued me in the office when I joined, and following a breakup myself,

I thought it was just a fun thing to do. But now our affair has become toxic. I'm constantly insecure around her, craving her affection, constantly wanting more it upsets me daily and I feel inferior like I'll never be as good as a man I want to tell her husband but know that it would be risky and me a mean thing to do and mainly because I'm hurt

the relationship is impossible to end because we work together we've tried several times to end it but maybe I need better boundaries any thoughts of what I should do my self-esteem is on the floor many thanks S update immediately at the end of this email the husband found out do I leave my job? Is that in one email? It's just it's like an ad on it's at the end it's like an extra you know she's obviously emailed twice yeah I love our job I love our job I'm really sorry can I just take a little we will come back to US in one second and I'm so sorry to

you because you work situation sounds stressful but if I may you've gone you've gone too fast let's do some breathing but okay if I may just the fact that like people write this into us and tell us I'm so sorry it's happening to but I also you do understand that it's like like my lifeblood after my show at Soho Theatre the other night Someone came up to an afterwards and was like

Hey thanks for the show just FYI My friend got pregnant when she was 17 But her boyfriend She had the kid but her boyfriend ran off with her dad And they never saw them again And that's the kind of thing people to say to me after shows now and for that

I thank you all S let's get into it I'm so sorry this is happening what an intense situation but can I start by saying I don't think we can give you

any advice I think if you genuinely listen to what you've just told us you know what's going on this is a woman who first of all you know you should end it that's why you've tried to end it

you know that the only reason that that's not succeeding is because of your boundaries you know you shouldn't tell him because that's not really fair given that you did enter into this situation under the circumstances that you did thinking that it was okay and not being made

to feel like you're a secret which you were then forced to be a secret that is fucking horrible you should be angry and I'm angry and I'm angry continued and I don't think you then get to be like I don't think you then get to tell her husband when she's not ready to but he's already found he's already finds this we don't have to have this fight I think the fact that you're describing a situation whereby you know you've gone from being quite a secure

person to being a person who feels insecure were insecure about their gender because they're being made perhaps to feel comparatively incapable of things that actually queer people are capable of like family building and oh i didn't think about that none of this is seems like it's structured around your wants the needs it seems like it's an awful lot about what she wants but what you do have control over is how you react to it and i'm sorry i think i've said this before in the podcast but like when someone tells me they're in love with somebody who treats them actively badly you I do believe like I we've all been there absolutely but I think the very fact of them loving you or them saying they love you doesn't mean that they love you well and I think at a certain point it's not like if someone loves you but it is how they love you and I don't think she's loving you very kindly yeah you need to get all right there and like start a fucking shit storm I don't think you need to leave your job by the way I would you know I have left my job because of um a relationship being a mess but I don't think you need to if it's like if it was where my career was like

Like if I was like what I wanted to do long term, I wouldn't. It was easy enough for me to leave because I didn't actually want to work in property management, surprise, surprise. Crazy. Helen? Oh, me? I think you've been treated really badly. I don't think you're at an innocent party in this,

but I feel like you fell for someone. They said that like, my husband says it's fine for me to have a relationship outside of the marriage and I'm going to tell him so it's all good. You fell in love. What he actually said was a weirdly sort of homophobic thing where he was like, it's not really cheating if it's a woman. Disgusting. But you have that.

then had feelings grow and this has gone on and then turns the situation you thought you were getting into wasn't that obviously is the person who is doing the cheating who's in the wrong but there's no full innocent party but you've been fucked over I think you've got a full right to be really angry really upset and yeah I don't know what the job is but as far as I'm concerned take all that anger into finding something better bigger and more exciting because there's just going to be full of miserable memories it's probably incredibly awkward so I would be like you know I'm going to take all this negative energy make a vision board I don't think you should have to leave your job I don't think you should have to but I feel like if you if you want to then

this is the time to do it fucking run with it what I will say is I think by the way it matters what you please don't throw stuff around the it was over your head to try and get it in the plant pot okay well somebody else will have to clean that off I'll clean yeah you better I can't bend my trousers if I may the thing is I think it's worth asking yourself if you want to be with this woman and if you do and what I would have said if she was still with her husband is end it because right now your actions are saying you can have us both and if you end it she will have to either leave him for you or she'll show you that it was never going to happen by staying with him both are like useful things to know I'm really hoping the fact that he knows doesn't mean

that you're then like in a situation where you have to like cancel her through her breakup and never and never know if she actually would have chosen you like she needs probably some time to mourn her if she's having a breakup or fix her marriage whatever she's doing you're right she's going to come straight to S

to look for like company and sympathy and when you love someone being sympathetic and caring for them is like a massive way of showing love and a nice way to do it oh fuck leave leave

go work in a zoo somewhere I don't think that's right go get a job in Thor Park I would live a better life Thor Park is your better life

I can guarantee whatever job you're doing there's a more fun job out there's something great I don't think you leave before you get the job Are you just saying zoos and animals

orangutan daycare You've seen those videos on Instagram and they're just like pushing them around a A complication of some kind Maybe maybe you'll figure it out. No, I don't think that's the answer.

Buy a chocolate shop in a small French village. With what money? Do you speak French? Probably by Franze? What's going on here? I'm just thinking of other things that she could do. Like, your life could be anything right now. I'm still in the vision board mindset.

I think, look, this is a person who's treated you like an add-on to her life, not a headresser. Not a main character in theirs or yours. it's a buy it's a bye sorry best of luck hope that works out with your husband sorry to hear become an actor he don't worry he can't be that upset because ultimately it's not a real affair remember because women don't count yeah as people i think that's the one yeah okay yeah yeah so tell

not to worry okay and then be on your way on your way to your desk i don't think you should quit unless you have any job yeah we're at odds on this one we are i'd yeah i think you've got a full right to be angry and upset. Oh yeah, so do I? Yeah. I just think you should do it from the desk where they pay you to be. Write a book.

So that you can pay your rent while you're furious. Write a children's book. Really? Really, that's your next move. A lot of people do that and they love it. Okay. Write the new rainbow fish. The rainbow orangutan.

What's the old rainbow fish? What do you mean? What's the old rainbow fish? What is the old rainbow fish? One of the best books of all times. Are you joking right now? I'm not joking. What are you talking about?

One of the most flawless children's books of all I've genuinely never All the scales are a rainbow apart from one which is extra shiny hello I didn't know this what kind of fish is it

rainbow oh my god is that a real kind of fish it's in a book okay I'm just wondering if it's factual or made up it's a children's book it's got cartoons in it it's fiction it's really fake

but so as the tiger comes to and like that's a tiger's are animals but as far as like famous things when you're younger it's hungry caterpillar the tiger who came to tea and the rainbow fish I've never heard of the last one Helen it doesn't have a very memorable storyline

do you remember what happens no but I remember it's rainbow what happened he loses his scales to get them back some of his scales full offening is to get the shiny ones to put in and it makes more beautiful so you don't have just read rolled out

you can always find a shiny scale if you need one C.S. Lewis C.S. Lewis the line the witch and the wardrobe I just did a lot of those books yeah well some of us stick on the picture books for longer i guess no what i went i went marg and sophie's snails sophie's snails all of them so cute oh my god i loved those animal

farm do you remember those animal farm ones and it was like puppies in a basket horses in a field we read a different animal farm i think yeah maybe not that oh no god not the all well one that's awful what's it called animal animal animals mind. Animal foreign. It's another problem I reckon. I think so too. S, good luck.

Could you send us another update please about that S if you get a chance? We'd love to know what job you go for. Okay, this is from M. Hi, M. Dear Hoggos, as a long-time loyal fan. Hogg-oh. Oh, my God, they're Australian. Hoggos.

Hoggis. Right, Oghays? Are they Australian? Potentially. A hundred percent. As a long-time and loyal fan, I'm reaching out seeking some advice during a challenging time in my life. I find myself stuck, professionally, personally and creatively.

Oh, I am. The past year has been a complex journey with ongoing legal challenges at work that have left me feeling increasingly frustrated. I'm currently living in a town that doesn't feel like home, and I'm deep in a creative rut that feels hard to escape. Despite these challenges, I'm holding on to hope. I have a supportive therapist and lawyer helping me navigate the bigger issues, and I'm convinced that reconnecting with my creativity is the key to surviving this less than ideal situation. I'm curious. How do you guys break through creative blocks and find inspiration?

when everything feels stagnant. There are some bright spots on the horizon. This spring I'll finally have had my day in court, which I hope will bring some resolution. Even more exciting, I'm planning a trip to the UK in October. Because they're in Australia. Yeah, it's very possible. I'm making forward to potentially seeing you guys perform

and, if possible, grabbing a few selfies with the band. Best regards, M. Well, first of all, let's just say with clarity that I'll have had my day in court is a cool sentence to write in any email. what's the case I know right what a cool thing to say I'll have had my name in court um can I say something weird yeah this email made me think of my last year really and last year this time last year I felt totally hopeless like really lost in my job and really surprised that I'd let

myself get into some of the situations I was in and very worried that I might have spent too long around I guess I just didn't quite have the team I wanted in my corner. I'm trying to say this in a way that won't make anybody else litigious. I'm not saying anything. I felt really lost and overwhelmed and like I'd been working for a long time without much to show for it. did you feel lost creatively as well yes and because I because I felt like I was working all the time but didn't have enough money to do anything and was working all the time and didn't feel like I was being heard necessarily I just felt very overwhelmed and very like is this the right job for me at all oh god yeah and also like even if it is like who's going to happen like I felt so like

fuck I don't know how to do this yeah and my advice therefore would be based on that year having also had very supportive friends and a very supportive lawyer friend. That was me. No. Men's rare. Is you can't do everything at once. I think phenomenal if there are people who write through the worst days and busiest days and the hardest days of their lives, fair play to them.

But I think generally speaking, you fill up your bank of experiences and then you can use them when you've processed them and when you've had a little bit of time but like for me it's one thing at a time and I had to do a lot of like I had to make a lot of big decisions and do a lot of admin and do a lot of like resetting

that takes time and effort and energy and then I could be creative but I so my answer I guess is to try not to do everything like I'm always amazed when people are like I've written a 20 like in like September when we've just come back from Edinburgh I'm like I needed a fucking second I don't tend to write until January

so like shut the fuck up like it's not on my business with you've written a 20 Congrats to you, yeah. But I just mean, like, I guess the expectation that you must be creative at all times, as opposed to, like, is it a block or is it like an absolutely unreasonable expectation that you'd be managing all of that and also being creative, possibly. And I don't think it makes you less of a creative if you don't manage to do it through every hard day. That's what I would say. So my advice would be to keep going and to when you're ready, write. sometimes it's like again I also think like sometimes it's

what creativity like creative discipline they wouldn't they but sometimes creating in angst just means the work has to be anxious and sometimes it sounds like if you've had a horrible series of experiences maybe it's better to put a little bit of space between you and between that and the creativity so they can actually be about you and not about that just a thought you yeah different on surprising so just googling this this is a book that a lot of people recommend I did

try it and it wasn't my way in but I know it's a lot of people's no big magic by Elizabeth Gilbert creative living beyond fear um is a book that lots of people absolutely love as far as getting stuff back into creative um yeah I didn't I didn't finish it it wasn't for me what's it about um just sort of like inspirations and like sort of like being creative and like not putting too much like pressure on it and stuff like that um for me what I do. Okay, so I know a lot of people also do inspiration, which is sort of like, you go and explore whatever creative discipline you're

interested in, like find a new favourite part of it. Like, if it's art, like, go and explore that artist, if it's film, like, watch lots of, like, do you know what I mean? Like, so explore this, it was comedy, watch those a stand-up comedy, like, whatever. I think, and I swear down this works, well, it does

for me, like, you do a day, like a school project. Like at school, I swear nothing makes you feel more open and excited than a big piece of coloured paper. I cannot, like the amount of times I've done this and I've got like a big one of it, but you can just go buy one sheet, get a big piece of colour of paper. I do spider diagrams, but I know it was different. Sort of like whatever the theme or the topic or whatever you want to make, put it in the middle,

just draw stuff off it, like do little cartoons, like just get it out there and then just like pin it up. Like it's like a, it's very childish. but I swear it gets some stuff out and it's start you're started I think it's interesting though because what you're saying is actually the same thing as that book in a way which is like start with fun

take the pressure off and just start with fun like whether it be going to watch the thing or just doing without any pressure I think and I'm saying the same in a way which is like it doesn't have to be like every day all the time like do it when it feels fun initially like you don't jump ahead

to the part that is like pressurised get stickers yeah I mean I that all sounds hellish to me interestingly that's so funny really yeah because i that's just not how that would feel super stressful to me whereas i think like when i isn't a blank page quite exciting no i actually find a page very paralyzing okay so for me it's better to do something like watch the stand-up or like it'll get little my brain ticking or like speaking a voice note to myself is quite useful like a pen and paper or a type is all very intimidating to me i also think like break it into small parts but genuinely i just think like are you trying to do this in an unreasonable context

it sounds like you're trying to do it in a very hard one maybe just give yourself a fucking break and then it will because i think for me actually the thing that guarantees creativity for me more than anything else is a deadline and pressure and stress no is boredom and i'm so rarely bored i had my most stand-up ideas when I started stand-up and that is because I had the least work and I had the most time to just sort of ponder, potter and think and be bored and I think the best things I can do for my stand-up

are go on holidays or take a break I'm taking a two-week Christmas break and I honestly when I have taken breaks before that's when your brain has any fucking space to let anything come up if you're when I'm chocolate block with work I'm not thinking of new ideas that's not I'm just trying to keep my head above water boredom

go for long walks go for long walks and don't go I'm going to think of an idea here just go for long walks and look what you're looking at yeah just have give yourself a minute I think that's where creativity comes yeah make yourself

turn the TV on and get the white snow static and just stare at it until something comes to you okay we have different ways and that's so interesting in and of itself yeah I'd do a collage

you could do morning pages you could write three pages me too I've never done Some people really love it. I know, but how can you? I feel like the discipline of like doing a thing like that for like 10 minutes every day. It really works for some people.

Like practicing a thing. I just don't get it. Also there's amazing too. What I think is really good is when you are stuck on something. We are, the good thing is we are living in an amazing time. Like there are amazing podcasts at the moment out about this kind of thing. And in particular like about creativity, but also I'm listening to a bunch of the moment about screenwriting. and it's like one's called

the screenwriter's life and what it actually does more than anything else I think creativity can be quite solitary what it makes you feel like is there are a community of people who are making amazing work

but who most of the time are going what the fuck do I do next oh God not another no how do I start this where am I'm stupid and it's nice to feel less alone so this is one of those on your big walks maybe

that's a good idea I got a podcast about it yeah whatever way you listen you learn best but I'm definitely an hour old what are you thinking their creativity thing is while I was speaking I hope it's like painting I was thinking artists like but like an artist who does art attacks if it's art then just like copy other people's work until you're like better that is a huge thing that's interesting at painting school we do those of transcriptions of like famous artworks and you basically just like copy what you're

saying and you know it like homes your that's smart go to the london drawing group online i just did a class of theirs two weeks ago the quentin blake class oh cute and i had a charming time that is a charming thing to do shout our london drawing group and francis stanfield where hi francis that is something i noticed in india call me it's boxing day right now oh my god that's something i noticed about india is the only place more than ireland where they have guys for stuff yeah so you'll be like oh i think i might go to the art museum and eight people will be like do not go there without talking to my guy

I'll call my guy I'll call my guy he'll show you around he'll show you run he'll show you run and like like to the point that like that's how that's very much the culture I come from

it's like you'll be like oh we're gonna go to blonde and they'll have a guy who'll bring you around there and you're like oh no it's cool they we're just gonna I'll get to my guy hang on there now

I don't want to go with your Uncle David yeah it's like that culture but I was like in India I swear to go they'll definitely have like guys for guys like let me let me get you

my guy guy he'll get you a guy he'll get you a guy and you're like whoa but yeah it's very sweet and very helpful i hope you get inspired by that i hope that helps yeah but i think just fun first the rest whatever it'll come but right now it sounds like you need some stress relief and if it helps is that great and if it doesn't then it isn't the time my friend stress relief art um you can get there's art kits where you cover your body and paint

get on a big sheet and you have sex on it such different people and you're not doing that Why are you recognised something you would never do? Because I'm not an artist. But, like, that's something people find stress relieving. I don't think you need a kit for that, Helen. I think you can just, like, cover yourself and paint. For the big, big canvas. Sorry, that feels like, I'd be careful.

Don't get that in anything important. You have to get kits in different sizes as well, depending on, like, how big your body is and how much paint to, like, the ex-ex-self. But also, like, keep everything, keep all those holes sealed. Do you put stickers over the whole? Are you masking tapes?

Like, you've done your vagina. Gaffer tape first. Gaffer tape every whole. whole except for the ones that you do want to have a little bit you know yeah yeah it's tricky that's tricky could you imagine like have you have a purple glitter glow like you'd eat a little bit wouldn't you i forgot to tell you the last thing about um sorry to keep hopping around oh i love it's where my brain is today i'm so jet lagged um in india one of my shows the consulate the irish consulate came and they were so nice and it was so sweet but they sat in the front row and the like

Concert General wore like a big green Pasamina and I was like these people, obviously they stand out massively in a room of three. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the pastiest people in the world. Yeah. That's cute. Mehal, Anita, Tom and Sean. I couldn't really.

Shout out to them. They're not listening. But you never know. Shout out. Enjoy your Mumbai Christmas. But it was so sweet to be in Mumbai talking to a Mihole who spoke Irish. With a lot of expats coming to see your show as well. There were, no, it was generally speaking Indian people who had lived.

in the UK or in Ireland or in America previously Oh, okay, okay, interesting or were like actors or like in the arts in some way Very cool. That must make you feel like the It was really nice, it was really nice Oh, you're an actor and you want to watch me

I think they just liked supporting the festival and we all kind of benefited from that It was really lovely actually Hey guys, we're about to wrap up the episode Before we do, let me just say this Thank you for spending some of your boxing day with us if you did so. Also, you're welcome

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