Trusty Hogs - Ep167. Best of Trusty Hogs 2024

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

See in the new year with a look back on some of the best Trusty Hogs moments from 2024 including iconic guests such as Amy Spalding & James Acaster, fan favourites like Sunil Patel & Harriet Kemsley, plus rising stars including John Tothill & Pravanya Pillay! There was too much to choose from but we hope you enjoy this brief retrospective, and we can't wait to get into 2025 with you all...NEW MERCH: trustyhogs.com/merchLEICESTER (15/2): Live Show TicketsThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Sadie CashmorePRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah J / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven ChickenWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! I am doing a new show next year. Tor to be announced. Edinburgh, to be announced. But until then, I'm doing some work and progresses to get my show into shape. I will be in Bristol on the 23rd of January. I'll be at Top Secret on the 27th of January in London. I'll be in Leicester on the 15th of February. So will Catherine and Andrew and Trustee Hogg's Live.

I'll be in London again on the 19th of February. It'll always be comedy. Then I'm in Glasgow and then I'm in Brighton in May and March. Please come and see me. Hello, my tour again with feelings is still happening. Can you believe that? Do you know why it's still happening? Because it's the Guardian's best show of the year. Second best, but you're so sweet. Second best show of the year. You're so sweet. It is to be fair and that's nice. And you can come see it in Belfast on the 19th of January. You can come see it in Margate on the 12th of February. You can come see it on the 15th of February in Leicester.

The 19th of March, Birmingham, 22nd of March, Glasgow, 23rd of March, Edinburgh, 26th of March, Manchester and the 28th of March in Bristol. I can't do it any more times than that. Come on, fair's fair. I'll see you there. Welcome, I'm Catherine Bohart. She's Helen Bauer. This is a podcast about our perfect lives

where we solve your honestly very worrying problems. Oh, welcome to episode 134 of our podcast. No, we're not doing a song at the beginning. My name is Helen Bauer. No, no, no, no. This is Catherine Bohart. We're comedians. We sing.

No, we don't. My name's Helen Bauer. is Catherine Beaumont. It's a shame that if anybody's watching up on this on YouTube they'll just have seen me Vaseline my nose. Catherine's Vaseline in her nose.

My skin's all dry. I just had some Kit Kat in my hair. You're right. I seem fine. We're comedians. We're doing great. And welcome to episode 137 of Trusty Hogs. My name is Helen Bauer.

I'm a stand-up comedian. This is my friend, Catherine. She's also a stand-up comedian and her surname's Boha. She does stand-up comedy and so do I. And this is our podcast.

Trustee Hoggso we talk about how fucking sick we are and then we we um we that's it we help the listeners with our problems we do help you with your problems we try our best god bless us helen you started the episode but i need water so it's a real nightmare because i was trying to hold in a cough the whole time let's play the jingle now while you go get that please see you in a bit through the fog step forth the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give me your problems and they will solve that or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew white on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the

trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not my whole week has been crazy I got on the wrong ferry last week and just everything has been going badly like it's just this week can I just quickly caveat with Harriet does have dyspraxia so like let's not say no one's had messages, been like, what are you doing? Thank you. She's doing her genuine that. Wait a second. Were there two fairies at the same port and you chose the, like, fairy less travel?

I have no idea. I got there an hour before and then they sent the, like, I googled like Whitelink, but then I was like going to find it. Okay. Yeah, to go, but then I was following where it was telling me to go, but then I wasn't paying attention and it took me into the middle of land. And so then I got there and it was just an office block and I was like, there can't be a ferry from here.

Like, there's no water. And so then I was like really panicking. One second, one second, sorry. The Isle of Wight, the Wight Link Ferry. Yes. Goes literally from Portsmouth Station. Yes. That's what it turns out.

Yes. And there's nowhere. Yeah. But it's, it's signalled so clearly from the station. I strongly disagree. But you have to know to go to the station. That's the thing you're missing. You have to know to go there first.

Yeah. And I didn't know that. So then I was at the offices and I was like, this doesn't seem right. The White Link offices, I guess. Oh, you went to the headquarters. Yes, I guess I was in the headquarters. Oh, right, I'm understanding now. You went to the headquarters.

That will do it. That would do it. And then I was so panicked. So I was like, I had to hurry. And I was just looking for fairies and, like, water. No. Like, from, like, very much, like, in the town of Portsmouth. And then I was like, right, I've got to try.

And then I saw one. And I was like, that must be it. And I was meant to get on. I was meant to meet the captain. Because I was going with. So you just saw a boat and you just got on it because you were soon. No, I'm not, we need to circle back to why you were meant to meet the captain. So we were meant to go have a photo with the captain.

So it was me, Dylan Moran and Maisie Adam. We were doing the show in the Isle of Wight. And then we were meant to get on, meet the lady from marketing, go up and meet the captain. But then I was like, I've lost the lady, but here's the ferry. So then they scanned my thing and I went on. And I did think it was weird because it was just me and all the cars. But I, like, went, I like, dodged through all the cars and then I got on. And then it was meant to be like 20 minutes, but I wasn't really paying attention.

So I was like, oh, thank God, I'm on the ferry, you know. And then 45. minutes later we were approaching land. Oh my gosh. I got a phone call and I was like oh I'm sorry but I'm coming like we're approaching land we're docking and he was like no you're not the ferry arrived 20 minutes ago where and I was like what land am I approaching this is what I was so worried about I was like am I in Calais like this is actually crazy like what land is this and it didn't look it literally it looked French yeah it looked a bit French it was like really what was it Thank God it turned out it was the Isle of Wight but it was a completely different part of the island and it turned out I had got on the car ferry and so then I was like how did they let you want I don't know I don't know because I'm not a car and um I agree speaking to your mic I really agree with you I know and then I went to I was like how do I get off and they were like oh you have to go down the stairs and I'd already done that but it was just loads of cars and then I just had to like walk out with the cars like just oh that's so stressful it's so stressful

And then I got, they had to come pick me up. It was so stressful. And then they came and picked me up. And then they were like, oh, Macy's gone for a walk. And I was like, oh, I might go for a walk too. And they were like, no, I'm sorry, you have to sit here. Because we're not letting you out of our sight. So I wasn't allowed to say that when you're like, oh, I'll go for a walk.

No, no, they're allowed to do it. You actually have to stay with mummy. Yeah, I know. To be there, Harry. Yeah, I know. I was like, you know what, guys. That is fair, actually. Thank God it was in France.

When you got off the ferry, did you just say bonjour, just in care. Yeah, I was so nervous. I was like, what land am I in? And then, but then Maisie turned up, because Dylan Moran, it turned out, had missed the ferry. I'd got the wrong ferry. That all checks there. That's all.

You had to spend 20 minutes with the captain. Oh, no, right. And then she said, he kept going, shit, kept having to go like, what does this button do? And he was like, it's just forward. It's just like, it's pretty straightforward. Like, you can literally see the Isle of Wight from where we are. Yeah, you can from Portsm Station.

Yeah. Yeah, but I went, I guess, all the way around. And then when I got there and I looked over, I was like, it's really close. Like, I, yeah, I had no idea. Yeah. So it's nice to be here. So we're on the quiz. We're on the quiz now, yes.

Round one. History Corner. Okay, I'll be great at this. So these are hogs adjacent history questions. Oh, God, okay. If one of the answers is not 31st of August, 997, I'm going to lose my mind. I'm also really regretting saying that out loud now because Catherine will take that day in. Don't worry.

I would never be so basic. When you had that earthworm in your room the other day, you were terrified. I had to do everything. Why is that a worm in my room? Yeah, why is there a worm in your room? Why, a bit about how? Because there's a completely sealed door. Where is the worm coming from?

Exactly. Yeah, your foot. Your foot, because you came in from outside on your foot. Nobody gets caught in a tread of your birkenstocks. You had a worm in your room. Get off your phone. I told you I need to stop a Pokemon with someone. Are you joking?

It's not happening now. Can you pop in? Are you fucking joking? You can't pop in, you can pop out. You got to catch him off. You were like, we have to take, this job seriously. You know, you're taking a break mid Amy's record.

To what's happening? To exchange a Pokemon with James Acre? I can come in if he puts an advert on off menu for us. What's happening? What, you've deleted it? You just deleted it by mistake, didn't you? Oh my God. Sit down.

Why would you delete it? He walked all the way here from somewhere, I do. Why would you delete that? You're crying. But you'll trade me the one that's left, right? Catherine has done it. You'll trade me the one that's left. You're banicking.

I sent it to Professor Oak. You're not... Who is Professor Oak? I spent 12 days in Mexico not talking to my friend. But you've already got it mentioned to the Pocenex, you'll swap it with me now, right? Yeah, give it to me. You're panicking? I can actually...

You'll talk that with me now, won't you? Yeah, yeah, you're stuck that with me now. What the fuck is going on? James, are you okay with the tape report? Do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best moment of my life. What happened?

Please explain to the, like, amateur, what the hell's going on? Bawa went to Mexico and got a regional-lony Pokemon that you can't get anywhere else but Mexico. Right, you did a trade. She got it twice. And I was supposed to catch... The deal is, if you go abroad in our Pokemon group, you have to catch the amount of Pokemon

that are unique to that area, so everyone else has access to the other Pokemon. So when James went to Disney World, he got everyone... You're in a Pokemon group. Yeah, we're in a crew. We're in a group! But I only caught two. And then everyone was, I was like, I'm so sorry, guys, I've only caught two.

I was trying so hard to catch more. And I was put, and then it was on me to decide who got it. And then he messaged me outside the group being like, give me the parrot. Give me the parr. It worked. But did you do it? Yes. But also my sneakiness worked.

So I only, I only caught two, but I just accidentally threw one away because you were talking fast in your riddles. That's not my fault. You were, you confused me in your riddles, the riddler strikes again. Has James Aicaster walked away with this and you don't have one? No, no, Bauer's got... You gave me a far-fetched. Shiny far-fetched. You've got to revolve it to really get the full benefit.

Yeah, but we have to adventure together. Yeah, you adventure together and then you benefit. That's the golden... That's the golden goose, literally. But now I don't have a horo-leecher. You have one. Mm-hmm. It looks like it.

And it's a lucky one as well. We have to tell the group what just happens. The lucky trade. I just scammed Bauer on her own podcast. I don't know what any of this is. I just got really. fucked over is what's happened. Is that why you're crying?

Oh, when I've got on a catch and it's all coming up. What level? 12 kilometers? 10 kilometers. Shut up, show me. Is it a sandlet? No, it's that little stupid vulture. If it's any help, any consolation, Helen,

while he took your Pokemon, I think this entire interaction will mean about, oh, however many women used to want to fuck, James A. Caster, no, don't. But that's that. She doesn't mean it. She doesn't mean it. I could do with those numbers going down. It's a strain on my relationship

I can't believe that just happened I got too hot I honestly I didn't even take in my in ruins because I was trying to find this fucking power Yes I just threw it away We've all been there I've ruined so many holidays

Just going around looking at my phone Looking for Pokemon and not engaging with the people I love I spent £500 on data No I'm joking Fuck You belong in Soho I'm sorry you've got to bury Soho

You're wearing a barry Soho You're wearing a beret right now. I do have a beret on. The whole outfit is like, I guess I live in East London, but my heart's in Soho. Yeah. Thank you so much. I feel like Soho really tries to be like that girl.

Like that girl. And you're like, how about I'm this girl and we meet each other in town? Sohow was charming. I walked through it for the first time at night, for the first time in ages. You're meaning the whole area, not the theater. Yeah. Yeah. And like, just like people in these nice restaurants, like laughing.

It like really felt very like notting hell. Sorry, that is the story of all comedians. it's like, oh, yeah, I love that place. I've witnessed other people have a good time there on a Saturday night. Because it's just, honestly, I was in a green room in comedy store one Friday night. And somebody asked the question, which you must never ask a green room full of comedians on a Friday night. What do you think other people do on a Friday night? Oh, wow.

And it was everyone just being like, I guess they like get dinner and go out with their friends. I guess maybe someone see a theater. And it was dark. It was honestly like a bunch of like kids at the window of a restaurant. Do they disco? I think people disco. I think when I see people when I leave a gig, I assume they've been roaming the streets all night.

Like fair old page. So I have like this weird. I'm like, why are they so excited? Because I'm just like, why they're out? Yeah. I'm just like, okay. I'm going to play a game with both of you.

I want both of you to describe to me your perfect Friday evening. And this without even having guilt of I should be gigging or like, oh my God, this is a good night to earn. Like nothing. That doesn't exist. comedy doesn't exist what is the perfect Friday night Sophie Duke will be coming to you first the perfect Friday do I have a job you can have you can pick weather everything you can have a job if you finished your job at like five because I finished my job at five whoa okay um yeah

okay and they had one of those charlie's where you had one drink before you left oh yes good yeah okay I walk out of out of my job into the street I immediately get in a taxi to the airport A black cab? Okay. Don't make it very short. Just a taxi. Driven by a normal. That's on me.

That's on me. That's on me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't care who's driving the cab. That's not part of my fantasy. As long as it's not a woman.

We don't mind. It's got to be a man in the cab. I hail the cab. I don't have to use an app. I'm not looking at my phone because I'm so free. Oh, sweat. I get in the cab. Maybe it's been booked for me.

Wow. I get in the cab. Where is it going to live? London City Airport. Gordon City. London City. The easiest of all airports to navigate. Gorgeous.

Where am I flying? Wow. Where? The south of France. Oh. Yeah. Bonjour. Bonso.

I've got a little like, I'm going for like a weekend trip. What? Oh, I can't. My life. No. It's our fantasy evening, Catherine. We'll come to yours in a moment.

But your whole evenings travel. It's not going to take that long, is it? I think maybe Sophie maybe goes to bed a little bit later than both. Yes. That's true. Okay. Because you're all thinking. At the end of the night, I'm going to assume 9 p.m.

And my babe, Sophie, is definitely out and about a bit more of a scenester, okay? We will come, no one's, no one's judging, but we'll come to your perfect night in a minute. I've already decided mine, you're so right. You teared up last week about wanting, oh no, earlier today. Sorry, start again, you teared up at the beginning of this episode, the idea of someone drawing a bath and saying it's bedtime. Yeah, that's my dream. So we're in, we're in, Marseille. Marseille is where we are.

yeah yeah yeah yeah fly to marseille have a little uh go to a little a little car have a little a little opera a little wine a car wow wait cafe oh a cafe that makes more sense yeah did i say i got in another car i love to travel the whole thing we're going to it to transport um the um they like have the wine and little glasses yeah i prefer that so much to a wine glass yeah i feel like a stem is intimidating just a little it's terrified yeah yeah good for you And I'm just drinking wine. I can see the sea. Maybe I go to a nighttime party, a discotheque.

Whoa. The famous martin. Do you still have your suitcase? Where are you putting it? I just a berry. It's just a berry. Wow. Okay.

Yeah, I think I just, I think I'll just go away. I can get into this if the reason you haven't had to bring anything is because you already own a place in Marseille and you go there over the weekend a lot. So when you get there, your bits will already be in the wardrobe. Oh, yeah, that would be perfect. Oh, okay. I'm in for that. Oh, this is really gorgeous, Sophie.

Thank you so much. I hope you have the best night ever. Thank you. I well. So we hear the cool, the cool girls version of? Well, now, honestly, my Friday night is,

I follow Sophie Juker. She hails us a cab. We're going, what color cap? I will not. Irish cab. You're an Irish cap? Just a check.

No, obviously what my actual answer is, is I go home from work. I take off my bra, my shoes, my socks. I put on, honestly, crocs. On your best night. You're wearing crocs.

I've got, no, I've got like crocs that I have so many jewels on. They've all been thoughtfully bought for me by friends, question mark. Now, the most important thing is that I go, honestly, 250 meters tops to my local restaurant. They take me to my table that is always my table. They bring me my cocktail. That is always my cocktail. Where's the table? What's the cocktail?

The table is towards the back. Thank you so much and I'm facing into the restaurant. Thank you so much. Not a way. I don't look at a wall. My girlfriend can meet me there.

How exciting. They bring us our cocktails that are our cocktails. They bring us the menu but we already know what we're going to want but they're polite. They let us have that. They bring us free

and I do mean this free bread. And then we order the same thing we always order having being like maybe we could but we won't. Yeah, yeah. And then I go home and have a bath and then we watch a movie.

Oh, Catherine. Do you fall asleep during the film because the baths made you a bit tired? Probably. Oh, God. But at the end, I go, that was great. It's so good.

What happened? So good. Oh, wow. And then the next morning, because I'm so rested, I can get up at like eight and go for a long run in the park. We're so fun.

I feel like they should have come to Catherine first. I know. Obviously, that one sounds better. No, your one sounds glorious. But I don't own a place of Marseille. Neither do I. But Saturday night would be my big night out

I have to say of the two if I'm working out of nine to five Oh no the worst people go out on Saturday night Hello Bonjour

I am the worst people Wait wait Wait wait Why do the worst people Go out on Saturday night Because it's the night It's the night when ever I'm so sorry

I'm such a wanker It's like everyone's out So everything's more expensive Right right right right Right everyone's out Everyone's just running around I should say going out To me is like

Best case scenario Going to a friend's house for a house party you're a dinner Friday. Okay, fine. And if you're going out on a Saturday, you can't really go to TGI Fridays. And if you're going out, why are you not going to TGI Fridays? I do agree. And oh, the one in Stratford where they have that car outside that you can sit and eat your food at? I've not been to that one. You can sit at the car. I think it's open every night of the week. Yeah, but it doesn't

make sense. What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love TJ. Friday so much. And it turns out, so does Charlie Clive, which we find out early in our relationship. So we call it the club. It's the club. Tell you what restaurant I have been at charmed by. Go on. But I don't know if they exist anymore. Vapiano. Yes.

Oh, yes. Vapiano exists. They exist. But, like, I have not seen them around loads recently. There's one in solo. Whoa. They just swear. Thank you.

Thank you, Andrew. Whoa. The pace with the way she did that. Did you see that wasn't, were you Googling that before? I was three steps ahead. Wow. Wow. I do have a question, though.

I've actually never been inside of that pianos. What's the vibe? What do you do? You would lose every ounce. every ounce of come in your body you would lose it. It's incredible. It's like Italian, right? More than Italian.

It's Italian mixed with your school canteen. Say more. So you go in, pick your pasta, pick your sauce, what do you want in there? Like, what do you want cheese wise? And you sort of stand there while they make it all fresh and then put it on a plate. I have to say I like table service.

Well, we will not be going to papillanos. But you can also do your own pizza and stuff. I don't know you can do your own pizza. Uh-huh. The one outside of Disneyland, Paris, you can do your own pizza in. That feels like a long way to go. That would be my dream night.

Just for the fireworks. Just for the fireworks. Little bathies and then watching the, uh, little bathies. Watching the fireworks with Goofy. And then, don't she die. Oh my God, with Goofy. Like, I'm already emotional. He's a single dad.

Like, weird. He is a single dad. Absolutely, you see, I get on my knees, I'll give him a notch. Whoa! He's a dog. He's a dog. No, if Goof. Oh, sorry, Catherine.

Sorry, Catherine. What do we talk about? We don't raise our hands or scream at the... Moderating emotions. At the guess. Thank you. Yeah. If Goofy is a dog.

Yeah. What the fuck is Pluto? Ooh. Okay. Because Goofy's walking. He's talking. He's chatting. He's got kids.

He's got his own film. Pluto, a dog, can't speak, owned by Mickey. Goofy has agency, Goofy owns property, Goofy has a car. I can't believe I'm saying this, but she's got a point. But is Mickey not a mouse? Okay, Sophie's hands are also slightly raised. No, I think it's different. I think is Mickey a mouse?

A mouse with more than a billion dollars. Oh, Sophie has kind of got you there, though. Yeah. Mickey and Minnie are a mouse, and they own the company. But then surely Goofy can be a dog. It's not okay. Why is Mickey involved right now? Okay.

Because if he's a mouse, an animal with agency, then surely Goofy can be a dog and animal with agency. Yeah, but then there's two dogs in that world, and one can't talk and has agency, and one does. It's like you've never heard of social stratification, Helen. So forth, but I haven't. I think you just need to back the fact that you would notch off a talking dog. Yeah, about 100% about that.

That was ever a question. Okay. Oh, my, immediately. Okay, that's fine. Clifford, spot. Clifford doesn't talk. I'm on my knees immediately for all of these lads. Beethoven.

Beethoven doesn't talk. These are all just dogs. Either way, either way, I'm open mine. Lassie. So, sue me, I'm over mine. Well, unfortunately, I've been buying Swiss chocolate nutty clouds recently. It's been a disaster. It's been an absolute, it's a rerun.

I don't know. What are those? It's got really bad in the flat. And where are they from? It's got real bad. So it's a bag of sort of nutty chocky clusters. From where? M&S.

Oh, yum. And I don't know if you ever heard about the 2018 triple chocolate crunch disaster I had where I was eating a bowl of triple chocolate crunch cereal every day. It was awful. No. And I didn't realize over the week. I was like, I was doing intermittent fasting.

I was like, why am I getting fatter? And you lost your eyesight. And when I at one point it said, much sugar. Yeah. No, no, that's when I

stopped eating sugar and I lost vision in one eye. It went blurry. What? Because I was eating so much sugar from triple chocolate

crunch that the withdrawal dried out my eye. Because it's a bowl of sugar and then he cut himself off from it. 8,000 calories a week.

Yeah. Fuck or. Yeah. From Chucky Crunch. But wait, is what you're describing this Nottie Cloud

business? It's had a black for cereal. No, they've done it again. What they've done it is they've made something so delicious and in a small

enough packet. They've got me again. Those fuckers have done it again. You can have a packet on a train journey. They're incredible, Catherine. They're so yummy. What kind of packaging are we talking? We're talking like a small, like grab bag.

Right, okay. Yep. You could call it a sharing bag, but it's not. But it's just a small grab bag. And milk chocolate. The milk chocolate. Surrounding like chopped hazelnuts or almonds. Your preference is almond.

Okay. Light blue bag. And so I ate a bag, like a lot of bags. I'd say about 20. and then I read the back of the bag and it said one one bag alone which is a human's portion I think

which was an afternoon snack for us in the half 3,000 calories yeah we fucked it that was on us I gave her a packet once just to keep her quiet didn't realise it was 3,000 calorie she was bouncing off the walls he left for the night

and he went I've got you this for tonight and I ate the whole thing in one evening and I was up until 4 a.m. physically shaking My favourite is the Have you had the Marks and Spencer sort of knock off Frere Arashe? The Nutty Clouds?

No, no. They're basically a Ferre Araset but they're made by Marks and Spencer's and they are banging. I've had the walnut whips and I love them. My grandmother's favourite chocolate was a walnut whip.

I love a walnut whip. I don't think there's a dignified way. I think they are a eat alone chocolate like I don't want to watch people tongue out a walnut whip. Tongue out, I know exactly what you. Listen, I don't know.

love it as much as the next day but that is a private affair there's chocolate locked in my room sometimes most of the time yeah we did take a chocky break but the way that you asked for it was the most organized chocky break I've ever seen why what did I say like will we have a teetoy will we have one now okay that cannot be knowing that you didn't have any snacks on you knowing that I'd already had a snacky and then you were like you did selfishly go to the shop and get yourself a snack oh that was not selfish because I went does anyone want anything and you both wanted diet codes You said do you want a fizzy drink

You didn't do anything about snacks You said I'm going to go get myself a diet Coke Will I get you a fizzy drink And I said yes please You said nothing about snacks being on the table Then poor M had to go out for another round of snacks Not poor you could have gone out How could I do that

I'm doing a podcast Oh I'll go out I'll go out and get some Chucky then And I was like I'm fine M Thank you I don't need any Is it's not far away It's like 10 milesish isn't it Like yeah

It's in Harrow It's in Harrow in Norfolk in North London. No, that's harrowing. Hey, it's good stuff. We are comedians and we are working. Just to make sure that's clear. That harrow and harrowing thing

off the top of the dome, but she could do it again and it would look as fresh the next time and that's the thing. Tell you what else is good? What's the company name? Is it Gillian or Gullian seashell? Oh, the sea shale's my brother's favorite.

I got a one kilogram tray of those from Costco. One kilogram? From where? Costco? From Costco, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. to come in one kilogram. It goes in one kilogram very easily.

Then you, instead of it being like, oh, yeah, some chocky would be amazing. And was like, oh, anything in particular? Choice number one, three Ferreira Roche. They will all be for me, so that'll be no sharing, whilst making panicked eye contact with Andrew and I. I didn't want anyone to think that I'd be sharing.

This is a hypothetical Thoreau Roche right now. How are you this panicked? Number two, Kit Kat Chunky. Number three, regular Kit Kat, end of list. To the point where it almost felt like, If she said, happens they don't have any of those, that you would just be like, we'll go somewhere that does.

No, I actually, I was never like a huge fan of chocolate as a kid. I always prefer dark chocolate. Wait, settle, Catherine, settle, settle, settle, settle, settle, settle, she's okay. Tell her what you did like, tell her what you did like. I liked that. But I didn't, I like savoury stuff. Like egg, a huge fan of egg. I would always have egg.

That would be my go-to, like, true. I'd be like, oh, can I have an egg. Like a boiled? No, not boiled. Okay. Like a raw egg? No. Poached.

Usually, that was a real treat. A child who had a... Okay. Catherine, everyone, her body, her choice. Say my body, my choice. Say it. My body, my choice. That's good.

Catherine doesn't like people that don't know. I'm currently trying to decide if I want children and the idea that I could have a kid who'd be like, no thanks I don't really like chocolate, please may have a poached egg. Give me the kind of... spooks that are like in my spine order of preference i'm gonna go for we'll go one for one okay straight out the gate maltisers mortisers correct second for me honestly caramel galaxy i would have said galaxy

but then i heard someone say it tasted like blood and it's got in my head okay well that's crazy and wrong but go on and i'm finding it tricky fine but what's your second bounty and i don't want any of that like bounty hate it's nice it's coconut and chocolate okay it's gorgeous that's objectively wrong but that's And then third for me, it's your classic galaxy for you. So that's just blood. Yeah, next for you. Okay, so then I'm out. What?

I want the Malteseers and the Bounties. I'll have a Milky Way. Sorry, you're crazy. But I don't like the caramel. No, please sit on the bench. If you want to, sit on the bench. But for me next, it's, and it was a tough one, because I maybe even want to put a second one of these, one of the days in my life.

Snickers. Post Snickers. I'm going, a disappointing Snickers. It's called the Mars bar. Then if I'm desperate, if I'm like on my period, I'm having, I guess, like a Milky Way, and then I'm never reading the bounty. In my house, obviously there's four women.

So one of us, at least one of us, is always on her period, which means somebody every week is like, I've put a multi-pack of mini-snickers in the fridge. No, I have a next order. It felt, what would be number four. I have a four through six very easy, but I don't want to stress the woman out.

Let's hear it. Four-three-six is four, mint arrow. five star bar six if absolutely pushed but probably unlike that they'd have this if they don't have the former that skinny lint bar the red one yeah that's really good also the star bar thank you so much that is so underrated so underrated I fucking love a star bar I love a star bar and by the way that's only today's order that's not my usual order kicka actually isn't usually my first go too snickers would usually be in there it was just today my vibes but yes you're right I wanted the three for air rashes and I got the sense that in the group setting people would think those were for grabs I didn't want anyone to think that I was going to do that. I wanted to eat it. You know the way you use give advice to people and stuff. Yeah. I just want to say my advice already is that if you have a problem,

just ask someone to fix it. Because I was worried about this thing. I was like, there's not enough time for me to go to my show after this. What am I going to do? And then I just asked you, can we change it? And you both just said, yeah, that's no problem. problem it was sorted in you don't know everyone means sorry that's such a hilarious um irish thing to be like obviously what i needed was a minor change but i acted as though that was going to be a massive inconvenience

to everyone and all involved and it actually probably is more likely that the world would end than we could possibly fix this is it is it is irishness the disease i have because i was like what i need to be diagnosed with something about like i'm going to sit with this and worry about this for several days yeah that is irishness that's like in the bed at night you don't want inconvenience anyone you don't want we don't really like to let anyone down the fear of being difficult, the fear of being a nuisance, that's all like... Especially in London.

Oh my God, can you imagine? Over here in the United Kingdom. As an English past, they hope they feel safe with this diagnosis thing, so I'm just going to say, yeah, you're both fucking riddled, but that's up to you to decide. We don't have to pathologise any further. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, here's a problem hogs. This is from C, but not me. Hi, C! You know what, that was beautiful. We're going to do it again. you little stutter. This is from C. Hi, C. Oh my God, gorgeous.

Okay, essentially says that they've been binging since the start, they love the podcast. A bisexual cis woman, and I've known I was bi since I was young. Too fast, too Irish. Floodian. Do you fast to Irish, right? Hello? Yeah. Okay, no. Fine. You told me to synopsize. Well, actually I said I'll

synopsize. You said what is synopsized? We did that. But the point is, I'm a bi-sis woman who has always known she's fancied girls and has just recently started to be more honest about their friends and telling them about having crushes on women. Some of my family know but I haven't told my dad and stepmom because they often say jokes or throwaway comments

regarding the queer community and because of this I've never felt comfortable to let them know this part of me. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and I... Can you see these facial expressions from this story? It's exactly what you're imagining. And I told him straight away It wasn't a big thing to him

I can totally be myself with him And even talk about what women I find attractive And the ones he does That is not something I can relate to Ellen, never fancy anybody else ever Thank you so much We were just at dinner talking about the guys That both of you fancy.

Oh, that's just because we both fancy Sunil That doesn't... That doesn't count Everyone fancies Sunil, that's just a fan. Right? Thank you. Oh my God, thank you so much. Jesus, he gets fissure and fish. He's upstairs right now.

Get him! Imagine this many Doc Martin's coming for his nail. Oh, no. Okay, no, but please. However, I've done nothing other than kiss a girl. Hey, oh, Helen. And that was about 10 years ago. I've had several crushes and even tried the lesbian side of plenty of...

There's a lesbian side of plenty of fish? No, that makes sense. What's that just, is that just like, sushi? What's going on? A few times, although I didn't meet anyone face to face. I don't feel I'm missing out on being with a woman because I'm so happy in my relationship. Brackets, I know Catherine will be laughing at me for that.

I didn't know how Polina had to be and the answer was not at all. No, and she's so happy. That's what she's writing in about her queerness. So listen, I, uh, no. But because I've never explored my queerness, like I've completely missed out on a queer culture. I don't know any good people to follow on social media.

I don't know any particular queer run businesses. I've never been to a lesbian bar. I've realized whilst writing this, that I don't have any queer friends or family around me. She sounds homophobic. I feel like I'm missing out on a whole part of life that I don't know how to get to. Please help me hogs.

Lots of love from a bisexual in the dark. See, turn on the freaking rainbow lights. Yeah. Okay, this is um, Listen, Helen. This sounds like a me problem. It does. As the leader of the community.

Loving the movement, by the way, guys. Keep up the good one. Go on. Any tips from a new baby queer to a new baby queer? Let's break it down. Give me one question at a time. All right. Who should she follow online?

Don't just say porn videos, please. No, no, I've got this. I've got this. I know this. I'm Drew Lloyd Weber. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Number one, I'd say. Number one.

When in doubt musical theatre. Yeah. Oh, the West End cast of Mama Mia. Obviously, yeah. Um... Judy Dent. Come on. She's never gay.

No, but we all hands. Oh my God, I was like, Judy Dent was a lesbian. Fucking fire! No, but seriously. No, but seriously. died. No, that doesn't make any sense.

It actually makes a lot of sense. Go on. Oh, Drew Paul. Liberatory! Help me. Chapel Rowan. Chapel Rowan. Oh, it's Roan.

That's what the Genesee are saying. Roan, Chapel Roan. Well, I'm Irish, so it's Chapel Rowan to me, right? Rhone. Chapel Roan, sorry. What else? What else is gay? Okay, well, let's ask. Troy Savan?

Thank you. Is that a YouTuber? No, it's the little, it's a little twink who's... Oh, originally a YouTuber that had out with Marcus Butler and Casperly. Happy day, Zoella, here we fucking are! And she's straight again. The thing is, whatever she says Zoella, I'm like, oh, I've closed up. So listen, I'm dry.

No, but also, Troy is, you know Troy because he used to be Andrew's background for ages. before you got a boyfriend. Oh, my God. Yeah. Andrew, feel free to edit that out. But yes. And if you're doing the edit, leave it in. Yeah.

Oh, basically leave it in. No, listen, I think that you already have told the important person in your life. You can definitely, once you follow Chaparone, just follow everyone who follows Chapel Rhone. That'll be normal. I won't take any time at all. And then, what else could...

I mean, ultimately, you have to go to a gay bar. I don't know if you live in London, but there's great lesbian bars opening in London. all over the place now that they've heard Helen's gay and they're opening every week. I can't. I'm sorry now. This is ridiculous. May I say this is about one bisexual woman to another? Don't bring your boyfriend to the lesbian bar. You're killing the vibe.

The room was divided on that. The bisexuals in that corner are like, everyone I love me. Like, no. No. Do you feel like there's like queer literature that would be good? Because, oh, what was it? God, we have to do so much introspection and learning. Can we not just have an evening off? Oh, I know what's good.

Join a football team, see? Sorry. I would really like to get a femme cheerleading thing going, by the way. The football teams don't have cheerleading teams. It's like, why? What are the fem's meant to do? I would so love to be a cheerleader. Do you know what I mean?

It's like... I would love it. Me too. It's like I don't want to hold orange slices every time. Do you want to do the... Do you don't do the Dallas Cowboys dance? Or do you want to do the climbing, throwing? Only if her paid very well.

That's true. Set those women free. Okay, so listen, I have theories about every single one of them being homosexual. So listen, we've got to... Not Reese. She's lovely. Reese is in a... You think Reese fancies that...

She thinks she fancies that fiancé? No way. Oh my God. They're in love. Jesus put them together. Okay, so here's your chance. I think we solved it. We solved it. Oh, watch the Dallas. Cowboys, obviously that will confirm that you're gay.

Can you be, can I be your ward? Well, I'm not sure what you are, but we can work on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what I am either. We think... I don't know if you're allowed to ask. I don't know if you're allowed to ask. Is that part of the solemn virtue of it all? What you have to do is, I'm going to go home to Dublin

and then you just reply to my story. So I'm like, so classic of us, queers or something like that. And then I'll be like, oh, I'm getting undertones. Can I do that now in front of you? No, it has to be, there has to be some distance or whatever. And, like, really crowbar it in. Like, I'll post, like, looking forward to my show tonight in Cherry Comedy, and you'll be like, yeah,

queer comedy is so tough. And I'll have to deduce that what you're inferring is that the inference is that you want some. Cherry Bomb, right? That sang by a lesbian. Yeah, that kind of thing. That kind of thing. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's Cherry Bomb? I just said a night called Cherry Comedy and Catherine's trying to help you create some. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Elton John. What?

Benny and the Jets did you say? A lot of work to do. A lot of work to do on this queer front. Yeah. No, no, no. I listen to Chapel Rhone. You know who loves Chappel Rhone now?

Straight boys. And they all keep saying it. People keep post on their Instagram and I have to say, I bloody love this. You don't get a prize because you like the addictive pop music. We all like it.

It's sugary sweet. We're all delighted by Chapel Rown existing. You're just like, I'll have to say, sorry. I love it. I've even seen drag race, you know. You know, I think, all right, very good. Also, that man is definitely wearing a pearl necklace.

Oh, okay, sorry. Oh, those, those and the little painted nail. Get a little French polish and then we'll see how gay are, right? Let's see, let's see. Wait, I do not know this man. Is this like someone who's like... Straight men who painted their nails black and they're wearing pearl earrings because Harry Styles, they think...

They think Harry Styles originated all of this, by the way. Yeah. And it's incredibly appropriate. But they're straight and they're just like... They kind of think they work in the arts but actually they do marketing for like an arms company. Like, but they kind of feel their arts adjacent because there is...

There's graphic design involved. I think I've seen them around. I'm seeing it now. Yeah, they all have houses and mortgages and stuff like that. Yeah, they're in like... They don't have more money, but they do have houses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the mortgages pay.

Yeah, come on. Be real. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm charmed. Okay, good to know. How old were you when you did your ex? I was, so we met at university, I was 20, 21. Okay, till what age?

22, it was like a year and a half kind of relationship. Okay. My first love, my first and only love. And you managed to stay friends. It was hard at first. I was like, heartbreaking, devastated. When we broke up, it was like messy. There was a curry involved.

Curry gate that's known. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, well. You have to say everything. Now you're speaking at Helen's language. You'd like tell us more about the curry. What curry, what sides, delivery, or did you pick it up yourself? I kicked myself. Here we go.

Start from the beginning. It's five o'clock. You get hankering for a curry. We're in. So I'm like being the best, world's best girlfriend. Cooker a lovely abuna. Prawn Boona.

Yum. Delish. Yeah, both our faves. Anyway, we're getting an argument on the way back to her house. This is when we're at university in Leeds and like, oh, houses were like two minutes away from each other.

She got a uni and Leeds. Yeah. How nice. I'm playing Leeds on my tour at the Brunel Social Club. Is that a place? Hyde Park. Yeah.

It's a place to students go. I do. Yeah. How nice. Go on. And we're walking back, like literally lived opposite each other. That's what was messy as well. And also she's from Surrey.

So we never escaped. And that was kind of the problem. But I digress. I'm walking back with this curry, we're having an argument. And the next thing I know, Carrie's like smashed on the floor. We're like screaming at each other in the streets.

My friend's like, who's lived with Izzy, like come out of the house. And they're like, guys, come inside. Oh my God. I think I'd be the friend being like, not the curry. Not the curry. I find that they were stepping over Boona for two weeks.

I didn't wash off. Any popadums, nons? Oh, so just the Boomer? Okay, at least not too much was wasted. Yeah, okay, grand. Wow, that is drama though. I would love to have a romantic fight with food involved. I've never had there.

I'm pretty sure it's over sweet popcorn as well. Really? It was like, I was cooking the curry, she was bringing the popcorn. We have a movie night. Yeah. And she bought salty and she knows I like sweet. I know. You should have seen the argument we had when she cooked me chicken and Tritsso,

and I hate cooked Trits. Wait, am I the problem? Whoa. You don't seem like not the problem, but you don't... Hang on, I'm having some internal reflection. Can I say, though, if somebody revealed to me that they don't listen and don't know me at all when I was hungry.

That's what I mean. I think I would be like, okay, I'm feeling hungry and unseen. I think I could see that descending into chaos. There's a lot going on here. Yeah, there is. I can't just know how much this is in Ireland. It's like you think I said, you're honest.

No, you guys got fair. and stuff. If I may. And we're called queer now. The point is. Yikes. I'm sorry that you had to see that. Sorry.

I've been following your Instagram. And wow, wow, well, wow. You have some issues with the bread. I don't like, I don't understand your bread here. Okay. Go on. And British people so passionate about it. Can you please lower your hand?

Sorry, Catherine, so I do want to get into this as well, but we're just coming with fun questions. This is a loving environment. Can we all say it's a safe space? And that felt for a question incredibly combative. I know that we're talking about something that's so dear to your heart. And bread is... It's dear to the nation's heart.

Yeah, bread's complicated. Of course it is. But let's let's Jenny tell her truth. I'm just glad the Queen's not alive to hear this. Yeah. It's all outside. Okay. So, okay, so bread in Australia is in...

a square, all brands of bread are in a square and they all fit in the toaster and you never have to think about it. And since I've come here to the UK, both when I was in Scotland and also here in London, the bread that they sell is all rectangular. Yeah. And you'd imagine that, okay, they have toasters that then adapt to the shape of this bread and then I put the bread in and then there's the little top of it that's peaking out, which I didn't enjoy. I made a little Instagram thing, I posted about it, and the amount of comments I got from all these British people going in. Were any of the comments? I'm just, I'm just spitballing. Were any of them? Hey, Jenny, welcome. Yes, thank you. Have you considered turning it on its side? Everyone has said

turn it on aside. Everyone has said it. And I have done a response to this one as well, but no one watched, no one watched this one. Everyone just watched the one where I couldn't. No one reads the correction, thank you. No. Go on. And then I. What's your, no, please, please, please. You're in a public forum. What's your response, my love? So I did. I would also like a chance to respond at some point. You can respond to the response, but we're just going to let Jenny tell her.

No, 100% and I want to hear your trade. This is really cool, isn't it? This is you're the judge. I'm the defendant. Anyway, so I, the toaster that I had, the place that I was living in, I tried to turn it on its side and it wouldn't fit in unless, like, if I cut like a lot of the crusts off of both ends, then it could fit in. But I don't want to do that every single time. I feel like every piece of it. You're a busy woman.

You have to say cordial today. I have to say. I have to say cordial a lot, right? So every, I feel like, okay, from a design perspective, okay, yeah, bread should fit in a toaster. That's just what it should do. And I shouldn't have to, like, cut off crust or, like, add any further steps to it. And that's my stance.

Can I say one thing? I'm not doing anything, so I don't even know why we're trying to pacify me right now. The only reason I ask, the only reason I want to say something actually is because I was with you. I was honestly, I was looking at your stories and I was like, yeah, you just don't get it. Turn it on the side. And I was like, okay, don't re know. we have this beef with the bread, I think it's fine. It's also like, what's the problem with the bread or the toaster?

And I feel like we're attacking bread for something that's nothing to do with it. Oh, that's interesting. Well, you say that, but do you know what really tipped me? Go for it. Jenny, in a sort of like, I think a real, like, gauntler throwing move, a sort of like a real, a mic drop moment, posted a picture of a sandwich maker and the bread. Yes. And then you realize those are also square.

and the bread seeps over the edges of that too so what should be a perfect toastie just has a sort of weird mushy moat on the side and honestly for me it was case closed thank you so much thank you I didn't know I had an issue with it I didn't know I had an issue with it but I think the bread should be square

right everywhere else in the world it's square except you can I say this not I think mentioned on your not mentioned on your on your stories which I'm now acting like was the news but I felt like if it is square, you get more coverage of all of the spread, harder to get up around those round edges. Do you know what I'm saying? Helen, the floor is yours. She's furious. In this day and

age of 24, with the cost of living crisis happening in Britain, I don't know if you've heard about it, it's awful. I assume Jenny's paying her rent in English pants. So yes, haven't you heard of us. God knows what she's up to. Can I say that? God knows. I don't want to judge, but like, you're at sea, my love. The idea that you'd want less for what you're paying for is mad. Like, they're giving you more bread than is required. The loaf would be longer. Please, please give me a minute.

What you get there is you get to put your toast in. You can rip up the top, okay? And then you've got a little peanut butter half sandwich whilst you're waiting for your toast. No, no, no, no. This argument has... The idea that you need your sandwich to be... square just by the fact that you can make it square and that as an option feels

mental to me. That's so much admin in the sounds exactly. It's not admin. It's just more food. Be grateful. But it's like that, okay, so, but the thing is the more food that you're getting is like becoming an inconvenience to you because there's that little bit at the top that's like, it's not inconvenient.

It's not inconvenient. It is inconvenient. If you want, then just pop it and just flip it around the toast halfway through. Why should have to think of that? It's not so much work. How do we think that's so much work? But also, as a person who likes things to be symmetrical, if I tear off a bit, you can find square bread. But if you're tearing off a bit and then you're tearing off another bit, they're not the same.

Then your sandwich is uneven. But why are you toasting the bread that you make a sandwich with? Because it's tasty. It's tastier when you toast things, you know? Not always. Not always. So if you like untoasted bread, like you, who eats untoasted bread? Wait, sorry, what?

All the time. Okay, what are you making with untoasted bread? Sandwiches. Yeah, but sometimes, like, two days into owning the bread, you're going to want to toast it because it just goes a little bit hard. No, because I keep it in the freezer. Wait, what?

That, that's an English thing. That bit, I'm like, I'll say, like, why would you, why would you do that? Because it goes straight in the toaster and it does keep fresh. And then you keep it in the, and then you put it in the toaster, and then it thaws, and it needs to go in twice anyway, so you're flipping it either way. It's not a big deal.

It shouldn't be this much of a big deal. Why are you screaming? Yeah, why are your hands out of now? Go back to Australia. I don't know. I'm getting really. defensive right now. You've already told Jenny

to go back where she's come from. No. You also already told you to be grateful. I don't think I did. I think it's on the, I think we've got a podcast. I don't believe. I'm definitely not on a cut there.

I'd say that would definitely be a moment to cut that. I see how it is Helen. I just think like there's like you're thinking of it as like bread is just this like one square thing. We've got bagels that need to go in these toasters. If it's higher up, then it won't pop up enough

that you'll be able to get to it. You've got Pop Tarts. Yet they fit because that design, but if it was a lot lower down, the bagel would pop up, you'd have to put your fucking hand in the toaster to get it out. Like, it is trying to accommodate so many different sizes of bread. Also, let's talk about loaves. Like, not everyone's buying sliced bread. You can get a sourdough loaf.

You've got to cut it up yourself. Like, make your own choices and decisions, and don't blame the tools around you. You are really angry. I don't know where this is coming from. I mean, because part of me, I'm going to be honest, halfway through that, like they've got a point. Yes! But for the sake of this

and the bit, I guess, I cannot concede to it. Helen, can I say something? No, because I'm actually getting a bit stressed now. I can really tell. But, because whenever you do this with your boobs, it's stress time. Is it how I think?

It's, she holds it tips. She's thinking. Maybe I should try that. I don't know if it works for us with our tiny tubs. Okay, I see. It's like... She gets all her wisdom from them

because there's stuff in there. Those are just so full. But maybe we could. I've never heard them described as full. They're nice and full. Your breasts are so full. So nice and full. There's so much happening in there.

Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. Of knowledge. But what about this? What if Jenny's right? And it's okay for us to admit that I'd not have to play devil's advocate because no one is wearing a cap here and this isn't a men's podcast. That means my entire life to this point has been a lie.

This is something I've never heard. Because, yeah, same moment. Like, that's all I want to go. That's my new dream. really to go full real housewives. My issue is this is that... I'm too scared. I am too scared to go full housewife and also every...

Like to the dot, every time I get Botox I get like the best audition I've had all year in. Every single... Oh, and then you're on express. Two weeks later, from my appointment, it will always be... It's to be a housewife. It's always like weeping woman. And I'm like...

Mm-hmm. you have to do the lip and nothing else. Honestly, I would give you the role just to see you in person just to watch it happen. I always think about how does like, it's awful. How did the women, how did all those famous actors we can see if had, how did they do it? How are they still winning awards and acting?

I don't know how they do it. It's incredible because I think like a lot of them have trained just the bottom, like third of their face to do the acting because I can't, I try. I'm like, I, and I, it's a shit. Or do they stop for filming? Also, I would stop for filming. I would stop for filming in case anybody's happening. And Catherine would like that known.

I would stop. I will stop for filming. The part's good enough. Yeah, of course. But obviously you're auditioning, but you can't be like, at the end, you can't be like, hi, I'm Catherine Beahard.

I'm 5'5. My agent is this person. And also, I would stop getting Botox for this role. You have to be like, peace out, hope so that's fine. And I'll make my boobs bigger. If you want to. If you're paying. I'll do everything but anal.

I'll get caps. Just set out all your rules at the beginning. I'll show my lips, not my clit. Give me the job, you pissad. Someone, a makeup, the days asked me for had caps, and it genuinely took me a while to to compute what that meant. Is that on tea?

I was like, cat. And I was like, oh, no, I don't. But it was weird to be that that's like. So what are caps? When you have like tea pot on your teeth? I think so, yeah. And I felt very like, oh, like naive. I think they're just.

like it's like a teeth covering but it's like when it's like so perfect whoa like when i saw gladiator two this weekend like all the gladiator's teeth were like so straight and so white that's so weird come on now yeah i say that i am about to get invisible i'm okay i had to a few times in my life like with horrible histories and stuff sometimes they have to if you're playing like a peasant or something they put that sort of brown goo on your teeth do you have that in ghosts God, unless you're That wasn't a great question That was a hugely

It was a guess It was a guess I'm not I'm not making a conversation list I'm not making a conversation list I'm actually gonna go I'm actually gonna say No, they just are giving them

T and five She fucking does You're so lucky it's not just because she's well She'd had teeth since the age of five I don't know what you're done my boobs sweat and I panic And we never

I just have yellow teeth Helen, that was crazy. This is fascinating. I'm enjoying this interaction. I'm a nice person, but not very bright. I feel akin. Oh, wait, are you not very bright either? No, I'm not a very nice person.

Oh, right. No, I'm jacking. Also, can we say, John Tottle, if anybody deserved a nice gig post-Edinburgh twos yourself, for you went to the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Festival with your second show. Entitled? Thank God this lasts forever.

And I have heard nothing but the greatest praise about this show. Then we got to the festival and I'm so excited to see you. And then? Then, yeah, I got very sick. You really got very sick. I got very sick. Tell the list of you because I don't know. So I, so the actual timeline of it was after, I think I did four shows.

Yeah. And then on the fifth day, I had like very bad stomach pains. I thought I was constipated. It happens. It does happen. It does happen at the Edinburgh Fringe. It's usually the other way. it really is often the other way around and actually withly this Edinburgh because last

Edinburgh was like a sort of was a right off in terms of debauchery I was just a shocking drinking every day it's hell yeah but then it's your first show right first show can you say debauchery yeah yeah I'll say it on every podcast every five minutes but like truly I was being so well behaved in fact those four days I was like I was one of the healthiest one of the one of the healthiest periods of my life suddenly felt so sick it's mad that one of the healthiest periods of your life could be four days long. Yeah, of course. That is a lot of debauchery, isn't it, John?

Go on. For four days, I behave like a monk. I don't know why I'm not. A goddess, yes, go on. Go on. And then on the fifth day, it's biblical, isn't it? And on the fifth day, suddenly so much pain, had to cancel the show that night.

Went actually to A&E that night. But it was like a six-hour wait. And after about three hours, I was like, imagine if I'm just constipated, how embarrassing that would be. and I took myself home again. It's very embarrassing. Let me tell you that much. It's really embarrassing.

And then also I was talking to, I phoned 111 and I was like, I'm in a lot of pain and they were like, yeah, like constipation is really painful. And I was like, yeah, okay, I guess it is. But well, I phoned 111 because I'm not registered with the GP in Edinburgh, obviously. So it was between 111, A and E or nothing.

Fine. And so then I was like, it has to be, it has to be the hospital or 111. Phoneed up 111, they were like, constipation is really painful, you're gonna be fine. After like three, I then canceled two shows, and then on the third day

I remember phoning up my mum and her being like how bad is the pain and I remember being like I would like I want to die like I would like I would like if someone came and shot me I'd be like that is actually merciful

oh gosh John like a war horse like a horse in war because when they're in pain no I got it yeah yeah in World War I'd have horses going in the trenches right member member member

and they'd shoot them that's not the only context in which horses are shot most horses end up shot in the modern world. Of course they do. You don't leave a horse to die of old age, do you? And since it's not useful, you shoot it. Put out to pasture.

Yeah. No, no, no, you don't put it out to pasture, you shoot it. What's putting out to pasture? You think, so are you saying that most horses are shot? Sorry, Andrew, are you getting involved in the podcast? What do you feel like? That's such a wild claim that most horses end up shot in the modern world. I think most, all work horses end up shot, right?

Oh, no. I'm almost certainly wrong, but I'm doubling down. You really are. are doubling down. I love your confidence. And I want them shot. Do we feel that energy that I'm bringing in? Yeah. I want them shot. No, but too good Lord. Um, no, I don't know, but let's, Andrew, could you find that out for us, my sweet love? How many horses are shot each year in Britain alone? How do we get there? It feels like race horses would also be put down, doesn't it? But surely, but surely a vet doesn't put them down by gun. No, okay, absolutely fair

play. Obviously you don't shoot them. Do you know what I just thought like, yeah, I would have reckoned like some sort of... Just stop feeding them. Wow. Is it an important time to say that once John was a teacher? No oats, no sugar, no head. No apples for you.

Oh, no, apple. I know. I don't even like horses. It's really, it's quite the feat to tell this story and not come out the victim. Not to come out as an empathetic character. It's like actually, wow, wow. And also, I think really remarkable that you did call your mother

because no one else is going to tell if you're ill because you are this pale all the time. Yes. And I understand, I have real empathy for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because no one's ever like, you're pale. I'm always like, don't you think I'm pale?

And people are like, uh-huh. Yeah, there's people like, well, your face looks great. And it's like, yes. Uh-huh. Good morning, yeah. But please tell me, see, you go back to A&E. You must do. I was like, I want to die.

And my mom was like, you say that when you lose your phone. She's like, you're not a reliable narrator of your own pain. Oh my God, John. Right? Well, what is your mom's name? She's Anne. Anne is savage. I've got an Anne.

Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nice. Imagine to find out we're related now. I see John as your mother's son. I could see that. I could see that. She ran a drama school from her own living room.

God, that's nice. Do you know what I'm saying? That explains her. Yeah. So you're now in severe pain. You've already been to any once, but you left off for three hours. of embarrassment. Your mom's like you seem a little dramatic.

Yeah. And also to be absolutely clear, like my mum is right. Like I'm not a reliable narrator of my own pain. And that was a lot of all of these, a lot of all these problems stemmed from. I do not have a high pain threshold. I have, I think, an average pain threshold.

But I'm, I am so dramatic. It's so tempting though. I even went to, no, no, no, no, we must. What's happened? You said I have an average pain threshold and we both went to sort of pinch you just to see. Oh, I see. But we're not supposed to do that.

But then I, said that would be not sensible, but Helen Wentford. Go on. That's so interesting that was your mutual instinct. We like pain. That's good, it's good. But you know how like when you go to hospital, they ask you to rank your pain between one and ten,

which I realize now is not, is actually more about so that they can get a sense of how much your pain is changing. It's not really that they think you can objectively measure your own pain. But they think that you can trace whether you go from a five to an eight or whatever, and that's interesting to them. It's interesting to them. they're fascinated by me

they're obsessed with me but then I but I wanted to say it's a 10 but I was like it's a 5 but that's because you know what it's like

you know what you don't want but also you don't know what a 10 in exactly I'm like well I'm not actually being shot am I no and also you're like aware people are like giving birth

in the other room right there's a car crash downstairs you don't want to be like in fact that my mum was like well you've never had a period and I was like that is true I actually have obsessed with that hand for pregnant

She's like, you're not a reliable narrative. You have never had the pain that I felt. The day you were born, now that was the 10. Okay, Anne. Jesus. Truly, truly. And anyway, to cut a long story even longer, after the third day of pain, the pain started, it went away.

And I was like, okay, well, this is amazing. It's gone. I can get back on stage. I hadn't pooed. Okay. So, like, by this point, I'm now, like, over a week without proper pain. Oh, that's too long.

Wait, you've given yourself constipation. psychosomatically or that's a consequence of what is going on that's right it's a it's a it's a it's a natural side effect of what happens because I then went back on stage say it with me five times five times feeling really really unwell but not in physical pain but just like like with a high fever in that way that for an hour a day you can time pain relief just about enough you're really determined to do it you can so worried about losing money all the yeah of course bleeding money at the friend having cancelled all these it was like it was like hundreds of pounds a night coming I just need to keep doing this yeah and then it got to my day off which was

like halfway through the run and I was still feeling really bad and my temperature had got very very high and so I went back to the A&E and I was like okay I'm promising myself that I'm going to stay here until I'm seen by someone they took my blood so they were like yeah you're not this isn't constipation like there's an inflammation going on and they were like we're going to scan you for appendicitis to make sure that it isn't that but it won't be that because if it had been that you'd be dead by now so I was like okay fine do we see the dramatic irony in this yes we're cooking with this and yeah and anyway they came back and they they were like, the surgeons came back

with a big smile on their face in that way, in that sort of not unappealing way that doctors can be like, you know, and that's sort of like, we've got something fun to tell you. And they were like, they were like, your appendix has not just like, it hasn't just like burst.

It has, their words are obliterated. They're like, it's fallen apart and you're going into septic shock. And they were like, you're, and they were like, why are they smiling, Don? Because I think it's just nice for them to see something different in their days.

Yeah. And they were like, this is a really unusual case. That's the fun word putting out. And it was nice to be treated. It's mycotic to say that to you, like, put on, like, readjust your face before you talk to the patient. No, but I love it. I, they, I'm sure that's how they do behave to everybody.

I'm sure they weren't tailoring it to me, but by coincidence, I was loving it. Okay, great. And it was nice to be treated, it was nice to be treated as traditionally masculine. They were like, your pain threshold must be so high. And I was like, yeah, I guess it must be. I guess I have been to war. Could you please possibly record that for my mother? Also, so sad.

My mum, who by this point is obviously a picture of guilt. immediately on the, she gets the overnight coach up to Edinburgh. She can't take the train, she's like, it's too much, but we're not doing that. So she is, once again, a hardy, quite weird. But then overnight coach, by the time I wake up for my surgery, because they have to go in and like, so the surgery now is no longer the keyhole surgery, which you get from the usual appendix operation,

because they have to open me right up and scrape me out. It's open in a similar way to, like, they were like, it's similar to a cesarian. Oh, what's that aunt? I've never had a period but I've had a motherfucking cesarian. I seem to have had a kind of... Checkmate, bitch.

I've had a sort of hysterical cesarean. Yeah, yeah. Was it just bits of appendix just like chilling? It really is. In the whole tourso. And after, when I woke up, when I woke up, I would say there are two things I would tell you about waking up. The first thing was the surgeon said,

the surgeon said, yeah, when we opened you up, we were all a bit like yikes. is what he said. And he actually said you were, you were very close to, if not death, like a very serious complication. Like, I see you kind of vibes.

To be clear, it was actually not that frightening because I found this out after it had all been a success. They've been like, everything's gonna be fine, you're gonna have a long recovery period, you'll be fine.

Yeah. But you really did nearly die. So it actually wasn't, it was weirdly not that shocking. It was more like, it was actually strangely thrilling. It was like, wow, I'm like,

I'm like, how many weeks ago now? This is now, I guess, four or five, five weeks ago? And are you still in recovery period? Technically, yes, but I feel completely fine, yeah. I'm definitely recovered. Is this you saying it's a five?

No, it's genuinely, very occasionally I get these weird, like, twinges as my, like, bowels realign themselves. But I am really fine, absolutely fine. Okay, and the second thing about waking up, you want to tell. Helen! Helen! Hellen, Helen, Helen, Helen, Helen, Helen, multiple times a day on this podcast, you do something disgusting, but this wasn't his fault.

I don't have to realign my bowels. But she laughed at me twice whilst my feet were being scraped. Why? I have a significant amount of dead skin on the bottom. They were just really horrified. The person doing it was just like, they weren't horrified. They were just like, oh God, like it was just like there was so much coming off. They were just like exhausted by the end.

Like he was like, had to take like a little break because it was like, it's too much. Like, God, he's just like exhausted. He just, oh. Yeah, poor guy, poor guy. So, Carrie was like next to me. We're like getting like pedicures together. And she was like, oh my, oh my God. I was like.

Yeah, that's a lot. But I also refused to go with Catherine because she takes the file and does it again. I get mine. I don't take it. I don't do it again anymore. I just do it from the start now. You do it from the start?

I just say, can I file them? They do everything else for me. I just like to shape them myself because they don't do the shape I like. And it's so reasonable. to say this is how I want to do it but for some reason I cannot you hate it so much

this is why I refuse to go shopping in America no Georgie hates it too George doesn't like when I take the file as well she's like you're a princess oh once I went to with Catherine to get her nails done and she was getting little hearts and she tried to involve me she held up her hand to me went does that look like a heart to you

and I was like no please don't involve me I don't want to say anything after they've done it while they were sat there you said this is like a heart yes yes No, no. No, that's a reasonable hand. No, you just pretend you walk away and then you just redo them yourself at home. You absolutely do not say anything.

No, thank you. Shalak, you're stuck with it for a week. You pay the money, you say this is the best I've ever had. I absolutely love whatever shape this actually is. And then you go home. Sir Neil Patel. They're from here. I still can't believe my sweet Charlotte thought that was what his name was.

I can't believe Helen lived with a sir. yeah my sweet friend charlotte did i have i told us on the podcast was like you've told me like three times and he called my sweet friend charlotte was like how does helen know a sir and i said what do you mean and she was like sir neil patel and i was like oh no a mistake has been made my sweet angel if anyone who knew i live with a comedian who is called sir neil patel but i say senile because i'm lazy yeah yeah yeah yeah i thought it was the sweetest i just don't call anyone's names like i mean it's katherine mary joseph like i have no regard for your actual names i'm a Lord now. What? I've got, I bought

a Lordship. I went to the Highlands to have a look at the patch of land. What are you talking about? I don't think it's legally binding, maybe it's a scam but I bought it online for like 40 quid. How much land do you get for 40 quid? Five square foot. What? You can't lie down on it, you can curl up on it. Yeah. But you're calling yourself a lord because you own five. Well, it's not for me to call myself

a lord, but you can. So wait, so I need to go back. What airline did we take over? I flew Aer Lingus, ladies. Good for you. And I am not doing the winery. It's a false what's the learned we learned in business studies and school. False economy. It's not cheaper

it ends up not a lost leader or something like that I don't know. No not lost leader What is a false economy then? Like you think you're getting a saving but actually they'll rinse you every way which way as you go So you don't and you have to come in further I landed in beautiful Heathrow. Gorge. I mean stunning you follow the blue signs to the train it's all very organized

I do feel like when I come here I do feel like Irish people who moved over here in the 70s and I'm like, look at London, what you look at that? The size of the place. And they're very well organised. Or, you know when someone's mum visits London and they're like, it was absolutely seamless. We got off the plane, we were on the train,

in no, it's five minutes. You were downtown, you were downtown, the thick of it. I do feel such a small town boy when I come here. Do you so, like, kick your heels and take your sort of like case with you? I'm like, I'm ready for you, London. What are you got? You know what I mean?

I'm like, I'm going to take, I'm going to become a star. Hugs! Please send us pictures of you in your work. It works. Thank you. You've gotten us off an amazing start. We are so ecstatic and we're just thrilled you like it enough to order it. How cool. Please send us.