Trusty Hogs - Ep169. STEVIE MARTIN / Pictures, Protein & Pets

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

Our first guest of 2025 is the hilarious Stevie Martin who comes to us via the vet with a very cute furry friend! Meanwhile, we're debuting our new look artwork, Catherines listened to ANOTHER podcast & Helen has some questions about a particular position...FOLLOW STEVIE: @5tevieMNEW MERCH: trustyhogs.com/merchLEICESTER (15/2): Live Show TicketsThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Madeline Quinne / Sadie CashmorePRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Hannah J / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie Robertson / Sarah DeakinWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, lovely listeners. It is I, Andrew White, from the podcast, Trustee Hoggs, which you are currently listening to. I have got some live dates coming up that I'd love you to be at if you are free and nearby. Lester, which is part of a big Trustee Hoggs Day. You can go see Helen, Catherine, and Trusty Hoggs Lives, and me all in one day. That's on the 15th of February. That's part of my, the last show of my current tour. I'm also going to Norwich on the 29th of January. That is a rescheduled date from my previous illness. but it's a very lovely show and I love you to come see it and I'm working on a brand new show

which I'll be forming in Bristol on the 23rd of January which is the same day as Helen I'm in the same venue right after Helen's work in progress which is sold out so if you've already got tickets to Helens why not stick around for an extra 45 minutes

and come check me out as well 23rd of January in Bristol all those dates are in my link tree got to do the White Bauer double the White Bauer's unfortunate yeah that really is unfortunate thank you I shame

thank you that's great that one sold out yeah yeah yours will sell out immediately um katherine

sorry pluggy pluggy hello it's me I'm still on tour Catherine it's started in March I know and it will finish in March probably

but for now if you haven't seen me you'd like to I'll be in Belfast on Sunday the 19th of January I'll be in Margate on the 12th of February Lester on the 15th of February

I will also be in Birmingham on the 19th of March Glasgow on the 22nd of March March, Edinburgh on the 23rd of March, Manchester on the 26th of March, and Bristol on the 28th of March. I'd love to see you there. Bye. It's cold again with feeling. Hello, I am doing a new show next year, taught to be announced. Edinburgh, to be announced. But until then, I'm doing some work and progresses to get my show into shape. I will be in Bristol on the 23rd of January. I'll be at Top Secret on the 27th of January in London. I'll be in Lester on the 15th of February. So will

Catherine and Andrew and Trustee Hoggs Live. I'll be in London again on the the 19th of February will always be comedy then I'm in Glasgow and then I'm in Brighton in May and March please come and see me Hello and welcome

to episode 169 of Trustee Hogg I'm Catherine Bowhart She's Helen Bauer 69 famously a very tricky position for those in a different height relationship

Something to think about there You want to be the same height Otherwise it's a different game It's a different game People are frowning at me right now. It's a different game. I think it really all depends on length of torso.

The nose in the crotch and the nose in the asshole is such a different thing. Sorry. Do you think it's asshole? You can be, no, it shouldn't be asshole, but you can be so far around if you're longer than them that you end up around the other side. Why would you end up around the other side?

Because you're so much longer. Are you seven foot tall and they're one foot tall? If they're one foot tall. What are you doing? No, it's like, if they're like 5, 4 and I'm 6'1. You're not curling right the way around them about all the way up to their assholes. It's not all the way round. You're not curling in a full J up to their assholes.

One second, let me think for a second. You're mad. Am I the 6 on the 9? How do you do puzzles? Really well, actually. Quite speedy. Inexplicable to me. Quite speedy. Do mind if I finish the intro of the episode? Yeah, you do that while I figure this out.

Step forth the trusty hogs Yeah, you're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine

As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not welcome to episode 169 of trusty hogs as you know i'm katherine bowhart she's the disgusting one she's confused she's working something out it genuinely looks like she's trying to do a physics no you can't stand by what you said i stand by what you said slightly crooked there's no way you go all the way back around to the ass right close off on the ground let's move the table you and i are going to figure this out i'm just watching no thing

I'm true photographing. This is trusty hogs where we talk about her. Perfect lives. And Helen becomes sexually threatening within four seconds of the podcast starting. And we answer your problems. So if there are anything to do with the logistics of a 69, we cannot help with us.

Or we can, maybe. You can't help. How are you? How were you? How was your week? What have you been up to? I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm still feeling like the buzz of, It's a new year. It's a new me. Let's do this thing. I am, I have been getting up so early because I've been so excited about the year. I've been so like, let's go. Woohoo. We're doing it. And I've been getting up ready to run and I've been doing more exercise, which I really enjoy. But I am, although I'm better drinking this hot chocolate. I am a little bit tired. But I mean, come on. I think I'm, I'm starting to think it would be quicker if I said when I'm not tired, because I think you get past 35 and then you're just always tired, question mark. I wouldn't know. None of us would know.

Oh, for fun. well your knee starts making a noise when you go upstairs and you're tired all the time but that's okay it kind of makes you feel very alive you're like oh i must have done so much today and then you're like oh no but still i get the knee thing right i do which one left oh mine's right left me my right knee is so loud Ellen can hear me coming there's no I'm like my career in burglings over over honestly do you remember that bit in did you ever watch Alan Padrage the last season Why would I need to watch that, which you say, to my face, ad nauseam? It's like a little thing they do in this time, the new Alan Partridge series,

where every time he like squats down or stands up, it's like, but it's just such, it's never reference. That really is me though. My hips click, my knees click, my toes click, everything like, all. Sorry, have you guys ever had a hot chocolate? Because this is crazy good. Dude, this is the hot chocolate, I just told you too gas. This is so good.

Is everyone having, guys, if you're at home, make a hot chocolate, this is divine it's January it's full hot chocolate season chucky porridge season is in let's get chucky I'm doing protein breakfast so I've had to I've had to give up chucky porridge for a while no you can chucky porridge can accommodate protein can't you get protein powder I will not put protein powder in my porridge it tastes like wait there's there's natural I know so much about this now almond butter is a protein peanut butter is a protein make a rhesus peanut butter cup porridge you're welcome I don't think that's the same as like my two eggs and salmon have that as well actually no salmon and

chocolate how much time do i have for breakfast do not make salmon and chocolate i can have a three-horse protein breakfast well how well eat you're getting up early we can't all packing 500 grams of meat in the morning me first thing 600 half a lamb i can he do it i can't i spent eight pound 90 on soup the the other day what on two portions of soup to take home £8.19. From where? Isn't that mental? But then when you think about it, if you order soup out and about, it's a fibre.

Wait, Sart, where is this from? It's from a really fancy deli down my way. Okay, but it might be beautiful soup. What's it called? Gladwell's. I've just started to make it the most gorgeous corn chowder and it's delicious. It's corn. I say I've started to, M made it for me first now that I know how to make it, I make it all the time.

It's corn. Mine's corn. I love it. It's so good. M taught me how to charles. the corn on my hub and then I cut that in on top and I started to do some paprika tofu little like um croutons and it's protein and delicious okay I feel like last episode we talked about nature and now we're into soup are we a protein pod? Oh my god I've always said why wanted to become a

protein pod new genre oh my god great great oh my god and let's let's do the women let's talk women as well let's talk women as well why are they in position of power it doesn't make any sense you've lost um protein wise um soup isn't a protein is it well it's not a protein meal is it i was getting the foam off my hot chocolate with my finger which is disgusting but sorry just to um the question is more are the ingredients in your soup or protein like soup as a group is not a protein necessarily unless of course you're making it with bone broth or you're making it with a meat or you're making it with beans beans beans aren't a protein

I think they're a pulse they have yeah like chickpeas or have loads of protein or a lentil soup would have lots of protein in it oh you have a lentil soup is like

it's delicious yeah but you also like you know delicious you got to stay home for a bit afterwards you're not me what are you talking

that's a lot of lentils is what I'm saying how many lentils are you eating 800 grams I actually made the most beautiful tomato lentils

stew the other night. It was so, so good. We went for a 15-mile hike in Oxfordshire and then we came home and I made a lentil stew like a tomato base and then we did fried hilly and roasted tomatoes on top and it was so good. Were you wearing a barber jacket and did you have a lovely cup for your main? I actually left my barber wellies at home sadly. Shut the fuck up. Which was a mistake. It was a mistake but I wore my army trousers. I have the little ankle ones. I shouldn't have them but I bought them during lockdown when I was like walking is my whole life now because I was living alone as your friend can I ask them yeah are you moving to the countryside too no but is it like I feel like I'm losing you a little bit no no okay sorry I have sorry I become really indebted I've been I've spent too much time

in the nature no I do get it what I'll tell you is I think what I what is happening is oh my god you're going to herriff's no just listen to me oh my god you're not moving to the countryside though I would love to live by the sea but I'm not it's just that I have can you just listen to me I love my housemates but I have ultimately for you know I've been for a year and a half living with other people and what's happened of ladies that I've spent some time in the countryside alone and I've sort of increasingly acknowledged that I don't really love to be around people as much as everybody else seems to and yeah for a moment I was like fuck I love being outside but obviously if there are actually no shops no delis no friends in that order and I do mean in that order no cinemas I would

eventually be you want me to live off cheddar for my all freaking life anyway my point is i don't know where ellen will let me i feel like we can't move countryside either because i know you know this from me personally but we haven't said it on the podcast a golden rule about nature in the countryside is it's lovely and it's all great up until dusk yes oh my god we yes oh my god we don't want to be there anymore we are such outdoor guys until 630 and then it's like oh my god what was that sound i don't like it. I don't like it. Every sound. Suddenly flowers look like little deaths. We were having a gorgeous

time. Looking at the bluebells. Now we're being killed. There we go. There we go. The sounds are terrifying. I swear to God, there's always something falling from the sky. We're Twitchers. We love birds and then suddenly it's like ooh-hoo! You're like, ah! Here it comes! Evil! I don't want to suddenly feel

Augusta wind and then there'd be no wind immediately after that. That don't make no sense. What's that about? It's a bird's wing too close to me or about 100% don't want it I don't like it I want nature to cease to exist where are the streetlights where are the street lights where are the street lights that is a tragedy of this day and age I agree is in the countryside of Britain you know what I don't fucking care of where are the footpaths where are the footpaths no footpaths no lamp post you got to take out your own head torches oh what happens if that goes out of battery also best case scenario you spot the deadly animal before you greet it but have you ever swung your head torch and clocked eyes with a badger I've never had a head torch but it's are they? Apparently they are. I don't think I do like the countryside anymore actually. No, no, it's day and day. It's charming.

It is charming in the day. God, I love it. And night, the wild things come out. Also, so fun to, like, accidentally go into a puddle in the daytime. You're like, that'll dry off because it's sunny. Go into a puddle at night. Ah, what was it? What was it? Also, is it a puzzle? Is there a, what they're called? Bog. Remember bogs? They were a massive killer in the 90s.

Do you need to remember bog? Bugs. What would mean killer in the 90s? Have you heard about them recently? No. In what way were they... killers in the 90. I remember like growing up I was scared of bogs.

Does that mean they killed people or just like you were kind of an odd child? No, I wasn't an odd child. I really fit in. Where? Everywhere. I was a friend of all. Popular everywhere I went.

Loved. No, that was nasty laugh. You did nasty back and throw up. What have you been up to? Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. This hot chocolate is just, I forgot to tell you, you're going to die. Let's do it naked.

Take your top off! Take your dog! You're going to die. I'm listening to... Let's call the Prime Minister. Listen to this. We should call the Prime Minister. Everyone needs to know this.

In fact, this genuinely should be on the news. I'm listening to a new podcast. I did not want... It's called Serial. Heard of it. You know I've listened to every... I understand. I understand.

In fact, the reason I found this podcast is because I was trolling through top podcasts in the world, the top 100, because I have listened to every... fucking podcast out there that could possibly pertain to me. So then I'm trawling through. Number four in the UK charts. Number four in the Irish charts. I'm thinking, I haven't heard this.

How could I not have heard this? What is this? It's called the telepathy tape. Have you listened? No. Helen! Oh my God, okay. There are a group of people who believe that non-speaking autistic people

can read minds. I believe that. Wait for it. I believe it. There are a series of credentialed scientists who have peer-reviewed articles on this very topic. And this documentary maker goes and speaks to families, teachers, therapists, experts, scientists on this very matter. And indeed, the people who are involved. And they do a series of tests where, say, for example, a parent looks at a card with a number on it.

Maybe a three or four-digit number. And where they cannot see the card in a very controlled test. the child types out the number. They don't get like 20% right or 50% right or 90% right. They just don't miss. It's 100% of the time. The weird thing about this podcast, aside from the whole ESPN quality of it, is A, how plausible it makes you think that it is.

B, how much like your skeptical brain is like there has to be a hoax here. Obviously, this is ridiculous. How they contend this sort of like material. materialist principle of current scientific practice, which is that you have to see something in order to be able to believe something rather than like consciousness being something outside of the body. Yeah.

All fascinating. And then you just get the odd one or two who's like, and they can say spirits and oh. And you're like, what? No. Huh? Wait. What? Rewind. Wait. Yeah. And so it's fascinating. But it is more than Annie, I am such a, I'm a very like a skeptical person.

and I am not one for but you know like they make some really interesting arguments about how like obviously a gravitational pull exists we can't see it but we do know that it's there we believe it we don't know for sure no we don't but like gravity might or might not exist it's very compelling listening

and I say that as a person who when I turned it on it was like what the fuck is this and Ellen was like what the fuck is this and then we were like oh my God this is fascinating and it also has massive problems but also it's very compelling and interesting and yeah

new I've never heard of it it's newish I'm not going to I'm not going to download it right now but I will listen to it I really need I need everyone to have listened to it because I need to talk about it

I've known to talk to about it I mean I guess I could like tap into because apparently this is a place you can go like a wavelength you can go to and speak to people who aren't you know able to do it but I'm not

telpathic yet because we know because Ellen and I tried you tried to guess numbers there has to be like 8 million people listening to this podcast who then get into bed with her partner and I'm like, I'm going to beam a word at you. Try to get that word. I was like...

Wait, do you try it with me? No, we try. Okay, well, we can try to, but... I've known you longer than you've known Ellen. That's true, but I was like, she's so optimistic. I was like, is a penguin? She's like, no, it's purple, but they still don't start with pee. And I was like, no.

So do you have to, like, say like four numbers? Is that what it is? No, I'm going to think one word. You're going to think one word. I'm going to think one word, and I'm going to send it to you. Any word. Just one word. word and you're just going to receive it.

Okay. But you've got to be open. Okay. Okay. Wait, are you open though to give? Because I'm open to receive. Okay. Okay.

I'm ready. Yeah, I go. No, I'm going to get my words. Okay, I got it. Forest. Leath. Shut the fuck up. Leave.

It was Leap. Shut the fuck up. We should have written it down. Guys, what kind of control testers are you? He's not a scientist. Okay, you write your word down and send it to me. No, actually, Yeah, we'll do it.

Okay. Hang on. Okay. Oh my God, I'm so excited. Because I've got no idea of so. Okay, ready? Okay, I'm sending us. Water.

Giraff. Motherf! Giraff! Giraffes strength water. They're probably 70% water. Wait, can I send you one? yeah okay oh can i penny please yeah okay fantastic podcasting this isn't what this isn't what that podcast is like though because they can do it that isn't it seems if you guessed the same word if you guessed

giraffe right in maybe you're on the same telepathic wavelength but they would be right in don't write in don't write in just they'd be right to just let me know oh yeah annoyingly ellen now when she like she's like I wanted to listen to the next episode without you, so she texts me when she was out to be like, I'm going to listen to this. I didn't answer. So she sent a follow-up text that was like, anyway, I'm also sending this to you in your mind.

So even if you haven't seen this, I think it's okay that I listen to it. And I was like, no. Okay, you ready? Okay, let me open. Okay, hang on. Sent. Door.

Devil. Close enough. I think so. I think so. Okay, that was... I was sending me the devil. Because I thought you looked fashionable and I thought about Devil West Prada

and then I was going to say Merrill Streep and I thought I didn't know for now to have names so I went for devil. Anyway, telepathy tapes. Check it out. Very spooky, very strange, very interesting. But then you also get some random guy who's, well, he's a scientist

who studied at Cambridge and Harvard, but also he has this theory about telepathy that happens more between animals and specifically between animals and their owners. And he has this book about how dogs often know that their owners are coming home. And they study this. But his book is called Dogs Who Know Their Owners Are Coming Home. Which I think.

Which is a wonderful title. Why the fucking are you asking about it? I think undermines one sort of esoteric credibility. But hey. And Ellen's very concerned. We keep trying to listen to it. But she keeps being like, what are the capitalist implications of the thoughts just roaming around? Are they just like going to be taken and sold to Adam?

consciousness. Yeah, so she's very concerned about that. And I'm like, and she says something about philosophy, having already abandoned lots of arguments, I don't know, something about... Google Socrates again. Was that the extra? She said something, Cambridge and I was like,

they can do it, they can really do it! But it was, but maybe they can't. Who knows? Which animals are best at mind reading? Dogs, apparently. Really? Can I suggest a pet communication podcast that is genuinely real? and like actually based in true sorry yes that's also real devil devil it's the illusionist

which is the linguistic podcast by helen's altzman which is very good and the last two episodes is called lexicat and it's about pets that communicate with buttons you know they have like yes i've seen these on instagram they're really it's very impressive it's very cool and um cats can be very sarcastic and mean about people yeah for sure it's really cool that but are we projecting and also no i've seen i've cats like hurt me before and also if you are listening to the telepathy tapes then they talk a lot about the thing called spelling which is um a divide like a way people communicate um which is spelling out words on a um letter pad i think but there's loads of like documentaries and writing about whether or not that is actually all quite susceptible to influence so watch those i've seen this doc well not maybe

that documentary but i've seen a documentary about the woman who's married to the yeah oh wow 100% but it's like are you sort of like forcing my hand in any way yeah

yeah very funny interesting I'd be awful but then some of them aren't being assisted at all so so tricky isn't it to spell

oh it's fascinating she's a crossword over Christmas and everyone was like shan up the answers but I didn't know the spelling for the answers yeah mad isn't it

I'm actually very good at seeing words as the number of letters that they are some people can do that really well but like I have to take a minute to spell things out

I can see them as the number they are more quickly than I can, yeah. Insane, isn't it, how, like, different brains do different things? I wonder if somebody will make a podcast about me. About the girl who could spell? A girl who is that going to have a podcast. No, I was going to say a girl who's okay across words. I can see around corners and you're okay at podcast. Yeah.

Hi, I can see around corners. Oh, my God. I can see the street. It's crazy. What have you been up to? Oh, my God. I've been charmed again You were perpetually

charmed What a life What a world What a time I spent nine pounds And two portions of soup And then me and Alison Spittal Went to go and watch

Better Man The Robbie Williams Biopick With the monkey He's a chimpanzee Why? No one knows They don't tell you

And the whole way through it You're like maybe the rest To take that A primate Presumably it's a metaphor For how he was a performing monkey He felt like one Didn't get that actually

What is that not like? That's still quite on the nose metaphor, yes. Did not pick up on that? Did you not? I just wondered whether he didn't want to act in it. They were like, well, just CGI him or something. Well, you think he was like, oh, I'm busy that day. I think it's easier to CGI a chimpanzee than a person lest we forget Polar Express.

Controversial take. I don't really believe in CGI. Hmm? Hear me it. I don't like it and I don't think anybody should bother with this because, and the reason I don't really want to see that, that film is because it's CGI. I'm just a bit like... Only the monkey is CGI.

It's just embarrassing. Don't you find it embarrassing? No, listen to me though. What CGI do you watch 10 years later and everything looks good? None. It's like the low-rise genes of filmmaking to me.

Titanic Sinking in the 19th, no. You will regret this. Titanic Sinking still by my mind. There will be teenagers in 15 years going, I can't believe people believe this. Like, don't. So you don't believe in it as a concept? I just think it's always going to age

terribly, really quickly. Do you know what I mean? But he sings angels. Is that CGI related? He's CGIed as a chimpanzee. Is it not really distracting and silly? I got goosebumps, Catherine. I was going to cry

and then I stopped crying by going like, don't be the girl that cries during Robbie Williams Biopic where he's a chimpanzee. Do you know, I just got self-conscious all of a sudden being like, don't, don't cry. How loudly were you crying? It would have been a gulp. So should I watch it?

I loved it. Okay. I will remain. Listen, if I can say open-minded to telepathy, I can stay open-minded to Robbie Williams. I'm not going to rule them out completely. But I don't really like the CGI Ellen. Why can't me? He does a dance with Nicole Aputton as the chimpanzee.

No, someone playing Nicole Aparton. I love her. And it is incredible. It is possibly the best dance routine I've ever seen. Ever. Ever. Even more than Save the Last Dance. Not seen Save the Last Dance.

That's one of the worst dance. Really, you're dressed. Just like her. Stop! One of the worst dancey tunes I've ever seen, notably. Is that the Julia Stiles one? Yeah, I've seen a clip of it online.

It's in the culture. Come on. Helen, we haven't talked about the big news. What's the big news? We had a fucking billboard in Leicester Square. We had a billboard in Lester Square. Can you... Sorry, just speaking of Robbie Williams

reminded me. And the reason... Okay, I don't know if you guys have seen, but we have new artwork. We've upgraded the artwork, which means in the studio, in the photo, it's our real hand!

Go on our Instagram. Follow us on Instagram and look at our pictures, please. They're no longer CGI, gross, weird CGI hands. They're my hands. It's real Catherine Bowhart hands. It's our bottom halves. You can see everything. There's the tip of a pus in there.

No, there's not. Down there. Oh, right. Oh, you know. That's heading towards mine. You've got about another 10 inches of tummy before you get to a clip for me. Oh, really? Yeah.

I wouldn't say clit. I'd say we're close to you. I said pus, not clit. Well, the puss begins at the clit, doesn't it? It's the tip of the vulva. That's what I'm... We're wearing clothes. No, nothing.

What's you say? No, no, go on, Andrew. What does you call on women's body? It was a joke about conservative say, oh, life begins a conception. I'd say, Puss begins at Clears. It didn't really work. I pulled out of it. I'll just set it out in the final episode.

Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. You will not abort this joke. It's staying in. How dare you? That was so cute the way that you got never. You really panicked.

But you do have to. leave it in. You believe it in. Because there's a lot of little gay boys who'll be listening and they need to know that that's the vulva that they can see with my skirts covering. You cannot, no, to be clear, you cannot see the vulva in either of these pictures. No, but my hair is curly in it. On my head, don't be gross. You look fit as far. So do you. I look so cute. I look fit, but like not quite present. Well, I think you look gorgeous. Like a little bit like, huh. Helen, why are you saying that now? We chose these photos. We got them taken. You look beautiful. I don't know, but that's my best look as they, what's happening over there? Oh, I disagree. I thought you looked like you're having a good time. I am having a good time. Like it's just occurred to you like,

huh, maybe some of those things Catherine say, says, I lost the end of my sentence. That was funny. You fucked up. Listen, we look, we might not be smart, but we look cute. I love it. We look so cute. I'm so happy.

We've got. Stiled by Charity Clive. Photos taken by Rebecca. Need Meneer. We look excellent. so cute and yeah we finally did it we finally did it we finally did it we got our shit together and did our photo we got our photos taken i'm so proud of us both of us did not want to do it and we did very well to get it done but can i say this yes so early in the year to have a billboard like

it wasn't on my to do list or my any of my like hopes or dreams or a bucket list and then day two of january andrew texon is like do you guys want a billboard amazon music are offering us a billboard and we were like yeah i still don't know exactly how that came about you can tell me off the podcast i think they think they think I think we are a country music double act. And y'all, we want to be. No, it's because, and this is crucial messaging for the longevity of our relationship with Amazon Music,

you can listen to this podcast on Amazon Music. Yeah, you can. Oh, you can listen to this podcast on Amazon Music. And why not? They've got us a freaking billboard. We love those guys. Amazon Music, woo-hoo. Why do we get more sponsors?

It's so weird. I know. Yeah, we look cute as hell. Anyway, check it out, and I'm thrilled to have my own hands on the studio. Very exciting. I love it. It's so demure. Isn't it?

It is demure, but it's nice to have my hair curly as well. Feels like myself. I never thought it would get to a stage where I've had my hair curly for long enough but it actually felt more normal to have it curly

than to have it straight. And not an event like yeah. Because when you first change the way appearance like I was thinking the other day like I think this will be the year that I might need to get reading glasses

like it's just ever so slightly happening like when I'm reading in bed I need the lamp closer like why are you waiting to see if this is the year what do you get an eye test? No like it's not a problem yet but I'm like it's going to be

soon. But if you're already couching for it, then maybe you'll make it worse if you don't go get well. Yeah, is it degenerative? Well, you can strain your eyes by, like, you'll make it worse I think if you just don't go get it seen to. Oh, fuck, where do I do that? Boots. Speck savers. Speck savers.

Yeah. You just go in. Were you just waiting for someone to be like, you should just get that checked out? I didn't think about it. I haven't gone for an eye test since. I haven't had one since I was a kid. I'd say like 15. Yeah. Let's get you some glasses that you need and deserve. Also, oh my God, can I say this. I think you'd look wicked with glasses.

But I think you'd be really cute with them. I think I might look cute, but I think I'll find it hard the first couple of times you get them out. But then I'm thinking no one will see it. So be me alone on trains I read. And I read mainly in bed before I go to sleep. I think you look really fit with glasses. But I can't stand the people commenting on a new thing. That makes me nerve. You just don't like to be perceived ever and I totally understand same and same. But may I come with you when you go to choose them? Really? Yeah. I just think you'd look so fit with glasses. And you need someone who would like that.

But that means you'll be looking at me, picking glasses. But I'd also be honest with you, like, yes or no. Okay. I do think that's the kind of thing where I think it's quite stressful if you're alone picking glasses. Have you ever bought sunglasses alone? Every time. Oh, I find it deeply stressful. Every time.

I'm like, how can I know if what have I've lost my mind? I know how to do sunglasses because I saw it in a film. Maybe it was Amanda Bynne's film once. Go on. You do the same shape as your head. Or is it the opposite shape of your head? Sorry. I thought it was the opposite. Maybe it's the opposite.

So if you've got like a long, you don't have long. And they're like round and round and stuff like that. I think he. Yes. Is that right? Yes. You're meant to be like complimentary, I'm pretty sure. Otherwise you're extenuating the feature.

Extenuating. Extensuating. Extentuating. Extentuating circumstances? I'll edit this out as well. Don't you dare. You get an episode with no Andrew. Keep me in my mistakes, we're keeping in yours.

Hey, you say supercalifagalistic exfiali doches backwards. Oh, no. I think that it would be so hot, is all I'm saying. I feel it coming. I feel like blondes with big boobs who have glasses is like definitely a thing that people are excited about. Seriously? Yeah. Yeah.

And then you just have to like hold a pencil and everyone dies. I think that's a fact. Tell you what? That's the thing I learned in the 90s and I know to be true. Stop it. No, that is true. Straight up. Do you feel your eyes going ever?

no that's good Ellen thinks that I have terrible eyes said but I think she just says she's always like you should get your ears checked you should get your eyes checked you should get your knee checked blah blah blah blah blah but like it's gonna happen I there's a point where you're like

my love if I got everything checked all the time I'd constantly be other doctors and it's like yeah no one no so no I think I'm fine okay well I'm gonna get glasses then I'm gonna go to I would like to go for an eye test with you maybe we could do the eye test maybe we should just get it done she got like a group on the ears

Yeah, we could do eyes and ears at boots. Is that a thing? Andrew, could you book us in? Andrew, could you book that for us, actually? Which boots do you want, my love? Central London, Piccadilly Circus. No, we could take the one near the... Because then we can go to the hard rock cafe after.

What about near the office? Near here, the one of the road. Do they do it? No, that's too small. They won't do an artitions in that one. They've got a winter glasses offer. What's a winter glass of offer? Do you have to pay to get your eyes and ears tested?

No, you have a boots free eye test. Let's do it. Let's do that. Is that where they do the puff of air in each eye? I'm not an optician. Andrew! Why? Why do you not know what I need you to know?

Are we having a weird day? And once again, we are not sponsored by boots, but we love them. We love them so much. Oh my God and also, in that bag that they gave us, thank you for sending us that bag, by the way. They sent us a Gucci perfume and... They sent you a Gucci perfume. What did you get? I cannot remember.

No, you can. It's a perfume in the shape of a high-heeled pink shoe. It's Carolyn-Rill. How might be right? If that's right, that is the most incredible perfume bottle knowledge. It is, it is. I saw it when it is. Oh, okay.

That's still incredible memory, because that was like 10 years ago. Good for you. Well, it was honestly like 10 weeks ago. Yeah, the good she won. That's brilliant from a woman as well. Incredible. I think mine's called guilty or something. Is it good?

it is good on me but it is incredible on ellen do you have some person just suit people's skin yeah she smells divine so shout out to boots thank you so much the boy at my school lynx africa it just landed on him just like i know what you mean though i really links is disgusting and then on the odd one person you'll be like wow and then you'll be like fuck it's a 17 year old um no i don't do that why would you snort that's not snorting that's my growl that's words it's so close it's when you go why they're so related oh yikes it's quite sexy. I don't like it.

Imagine me on all fours crawling up the bed. Ready? Ready? No. No, because I know you're coming for my asshole

even though it doesn't make no, I'm never aiming for the ass. I don't want the ass. I don't like it. I don't want it. I'm never aiming for ass. But you have to

curl yourself round. I know, but there's only so much you can curl. You're literally putting your knees in their mouth just so you can get to their arm. No.

Yes, you are. I'm not. No, I'm not. You are. Fuck it. Let's bring on our guest. And before she arrives, we're doing some image work. Image work?

We're doing some image work. Oh, you're not drawing it. You have to do it to scale then. Can I ask a question about the 69? What are you doing to foot ratio? Is the O part of the six and the nine? That's heady. Yeah.

Yeah. But the end of it, what are you thinking? Feetty or genitals, exactly. So think about how long the curve can be for someone tall compared to someone shorter. It's not over and around to the earth. It's just not. It's not. Ment is the word.

It's not meant to be over around to the earth. No, it's not possible. It incidentally can get over around to the earth. You have to go through their size. I'm screaming in my face. Oh. Helen. Please welcome to the podcast. The Incredible.

She deserves a better interest than this, but this is what she's getting. The Incredible. Stevie Martin! I've never done this before that contacted someone because I thought they died but I'm I like I woke up and I was like Stevie welcome to the podcast thank you so much for being here we started I'm not joking we had however begun a conversation so let's just get it on the podcast I was just like I had a dream and it was like really vivid but not lucid even though I am still trying to

trade myself to lucid but I'm still trying to train myself to lucid dream not yet but I Hopefully this year. I can do it. I can do it by testing yourself throughout the day and check it if you were awake or not. No. What method did you use? Oh, like this meditation thing I found on YouTube.

Shut the fuck up. Tell me, Linky. Excuse me, what are you talking about? So I can control my dreams. So when I'm in the dream, I'm like, it's a dream. And like, now I make myself fly. Fly! Yeah, when I want to, out of scary situations.

Do you mean, like, hallucin it? No, loosen it. So I'm in the dream. So, like, I'm dreaming normally. Dreaming normally. And in the old days, I'd have a nightmare. And I'd be like, oh, no. well I'm trapped or I wouldn't know it was a nightmare

because you're so in and now I'm like I'm in a dream so I can make myself float like I'm a magic whistle out of the horror and you wake up rested no not no no no no no also terrible sleeper terrible sleeper yeah awful but yeah there was a lot of like deep visualisations

I did while going to sleep that allowed me to essentially become magical that was the crucial thing I know a couple of people at all have you listened to the podcast telepathy tapes no enjoy. I thought you meant this one. I was like, yeah?

No. When did you talk about it? What I said? Imagine. No, but sorry, you recently dreamed. But I want to learn how to lucid dream as well. That's like a separate thing. It really is and you can only tell why I was confused by the tangent.

But if I may, you want to dream about it. So I had a dream and it was someone who I used to know and I completely love. She came out and she wanted to see me and everyone was like, she wants to see you. And I was like, oh my God, who is it? Who is it? And I was just like standing there. And then she came out to give me the biggest hug. And like in my, I was like not aware of dreaming,

but it was very emotional, very powerful. And I don't usually have those dreams. I've only got a couple of standout dreams. On general. And I was like, holy shit. So I woke up and I was like, well, she's dead. Like that thought immediately. That was too beautiful of a goodbye.

That wouldn't be my first thought. But it could, no, but it definitely wasn't a whiz-up, you know? The thing you do remember about Helen is that at all times she believes she lives in a film where everyone is watching her. Like she thinks she's in the term. and show. Okay, yeah. Tell me I'm not.

There's four cameras on me right now. So of course the dream, any dream would be like a plot twist. Yeah, okay, sure, sure, sure. It felt very goodbye. Okay. Okay. It did. The hug fell final.

And so you contacted this woman? I went on Facebook and I was like, oh my God, she hasn't posted in like six years. Because it's Facebook. No one's posted in six years. Like no one had done like a trippy post. And like, I Google. And I was like, oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Am I like, has she like just died last night? So did you message saying? So I'm like, no, I didn't message saying, are you dead? I nearly did. And I was like, that's so awful. You cannot ask someone if they're dead. You mustn't.

But you can say, hey, how alive are you on a scale of what? So on that, should have messaged you first. Always positive. You could be like, how's life. And do you have it? Yeah. Still around? Hey girl, hey.

I said, and I was like, hey, did I go for a drink? I know it's been like years, but I'd love to see you. And she should put back to her a little bit. and like, yeah, that'd be great. I'd always wondered, like, what's happened with you and what's up with you? And I was like, oh my God, amazing. And then we met up, and it was a fucking lush.

That's so cute. And she's alive? Thriving. We love to hear it. We love to hear. Alive thriving. Not living too far from me either. That's so special.

I feel like we didn't give quite an important context to the podcast. I guess it's only relevant if you're me, and it's entirely in your eye line. But Stevie has brought her dog. Yes. Yes. And I just wanted to mention that in case you see Stevie's hand going what seems to be like towards my legs and then rubbing and that's not my knee that's her dog just staring at your knee like this that's what you need to know her head keeps coming up and then she just sort of started waving her paw

before like she was waving at me that's so sweet so you guys have been to the vet today us guys we've been to the vet yeah how was it you both feel good yeah I'm fine um she's also fine um she was told today that she's now officially an acceptable weight the thing is my reaction is not rational because I'm sure that like a vet knows what they're talking about or whatever but I'm so like trigger happy on that kind of stuff I'm like how fucking dare you yeah I wasn't like happy but it was better than when they said she was too fat but how can a dog be too fat it's so cool you've got to feel the ribs a little bit apparently that's toxic I think so sorry that's that's not a good explanation that just makes me be like okay so she went to an old girl school like what's who is this vet? I know I should probably be the body positive one as the fat member of the table but part of me is like how fat that is like

anyway she's now an acceptable way it's like how big was she before she's not big she's telling me but I'm like how big was she yeah she was like she was taller as well people thought she was a seal yeah she was quite

um we uh around did she have a bad breakup yeah she was actually she broke one of her toes and really bad and then she couldn't move

like we had to like lift her to go to the toilet lift her to and then she was drugged out for like three months and so she and then but she also wanted to eat a lot and we wanted to give a loads of treats obviously and so she did develop a wider torso

than it is long and then she got shaved and her head was so small and her body just kept going out and it wasn't like yeah it was like oh okay but nap but she looked beautiful

she looked beautiful but yeah she looked like an elephant seal she did she did and is her toe healed toe is totally healed it's actually been removed so in a way fully healed the full heel or not at all healed

well it's swerp it is it's doing well that was such a positive attitude that was like so in a way fully healed I was like or completely gone it's entirely gone it is gone it is gone yeah it is gone but wait has she taken back to walking well or is she like I'm completely out of the habit no she's no she's great she's great and not to be toxic but like how did she lose the way

I think all the ones would love to know at home Pilates Zem-pick was a Zem-pick because some people do out in Halle Fresh and I say good for them as long as you're in Monday's at two um how did you she's come over to she's she actually maybe wants it in her own words in her own words No, but do you want to secret, stop holding out on us. Her secret is, so every other day, don't eat, like, a bar this big that is pure, like, fat butter. Right. There's this dark trick called a yak bar, and it's yak milk.

And I was like, wah, yak milk. Wait, like, from an actual yak? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've not tried. What's the yak? No. What?

Can I follow up with what's a yak? Yes, I don't know. I can do it. But their bars are delicious. Are they? Yeah, yeah, for a dog. Right. And so it's like this two things.

Big cow, big bone. Are you okay? Thank you. You've got to use your words. I just see things in my peripher, and I didn't know what was going on. Just me right away to my arms, man. You've genuinely got to use your words.

Oh, yeah, like a moose. Not a moose. So yak. Okay, I'll Google it later. Yeah, I want to go giggle. I'll also be Googling. Elephant seal. A domesticated wild ox with shaggy hair.

Domesticated. Wild ox. You can just have it in your house, I imagine. Okay, I'm waiting. No, no, I... Well, okay. You're not domesticated means in your house, please. Is it in your house?

In my house. No, but like cows and pigs are domesticated. I think it's like an animal that's farmed rather than, yeah. Well, you're farmed for the bar that I... Yeah, for you're a little bit. When you were apparently fattening it up on purpose. Well, because she was having... She's got a lot of allergies, so she couldn't have any fun things.

So these things are like really expensive about 12 pounds. And you sound like the mother of such a prissy child. She's got a weight issue and she's got a lot of allergies. She does have a lot of allergies. She's lost a toe, but she's thriving. In many ways, it's fully healed. Some people would say that's even fully healed and not have it anymore. Fair.

She was shitting everywhere. And also as well, I don't really identify as a dog mother. I sort of identify as like a dog friend. So she's like my pal who lives in the house with me. That is such a cop out as a mum. I know. I actually don't see her as mom. Have you not met this mom?

Have you not met this mom? Have you not met this mom? We're kind of friends. In a way, I think of it's more as friends. And you're like, sweet Jesus. you need to We wear matching juicy tractsuits Yeah

But good for you You're a cool mom I couldn't have won here There's no way You're right it was a trap I'm sorry But no I do respect Not thinking of yourself

As the mother of your dog It's just I think of it You know It's a bit much It's grim For her Yeah But yeah

So yeah she was just eating I think yeah Don't eat like butter Every night And then you might lose white Not a whole bar Like I think You can eat butter

Whenever you like But just not like But also if you are eating a lot of butter every other day, notably like an entire block and you stopped, you probably would lose that checks out. Yeah. Yeah. That feels like cheating because I'm not already eating a bar

of butter every second day. No, I know. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, none of us are. No, mental. Yeah, it would be disgusting as well. I'm fucking mad, wouldn't it? Helen? What's cool? It's hard to read the room sometimes. No, that would be crazy. Is it because I ate 500 grams of beef by accident two weeks ago?

Did you? In one sitting. Yeah, accidentally. Accidentally. I thought it was one portion. I got a bit confused. It's quite hard. I'm okay, yeah, physically it was tough. I had 300 grams of dried apricots and out to go to A&E. Sorry, what? Why?

Because those expand, Stevie. That's it. So, yeah, that's it. So they expand in your stomach. And when you have water as well, they then are even plumber. And they go bigger to, I'd say, arguably bigger than the original, yes, the original size. Please, could you paint us the scene? I was sort of like at a right angle to myself.

and I told the woman behind the... I have a bit about it in my show, so I don't want to launch into a stand-up bit. It's a wonderful show of cinema. But you can if you like. Well, you've given the preface now, it's fine. All right. How we doing?

No, I won't. But I, yeah, also the guy that had to take me to A&A was when I can't see this time. Had you just eaten them alone at home? No, I was in a pot. It was like pre-googling time. So he'd said, oh, dried fruit, like it rehydrates in the stomach.

As you said, quick as a flash. Yeah. I think I'd said, oh, quite fancy a dried apricot. Of course. It was 10pm. Sure. And he'd been like... And you're quirky and all of the other girls.

I'm like, I'm a cuck. I'm not really a dry d'apagot. Will you have sex with me? He didn't. Ever. I would have text with you. I would have been so impressed by the guy who's having a dry apricot in the pub.

I'd have like, she's mad. One, maybe. If I had it in my bag. But then it was like, oh, no. And then he was like, oh, they expand. You know, I couldn't. Who provided them? I then was like, they can't expand.

And then I went and bought them in the shop. And then he was like, watch me come on so I ate all and I was like that's about a portion but it was the bag and he's like that's not a portion and then I drank like a picture of um water you was I was like oh yeah no I do feel not good and then I was like really work through it oh my god and then the pain was overwhelming and also I was like I'm going to I don't know and then I went to A&E and then I told the woman she laughed hysterically and then I was sort of laughing as well and then I I broke wind for like 30 seconds.

Continuously, incredibly loudly. And then I felt absolutely fine and I just went home. That's, yeah. Some advice, isn't it? Some advice for people. Yeah, well, listen, when I started going out with my girlfriend, initially I couldn't go to the toilet in her house because I was like, her toilet was right beside her,

the head of her bed. And I was like, this is a crime. This is a crime. I can't do it. But she lived an hour and 10 minutes from my home. So I spent a lot of time not going to the toilet and ended up in A&E if that makes you feel any better. That does really make me feel a lot better.

I've never done anything like that. You've never been to the toilet. You've been to the toilet. You've vomited and farmed. What about the time you're having that sex like that? And then you had to stop to puke and then you farted while you were puking. And you heard you. The cube was so violent and such a surprise.

I didn't know I was going to fart. That was a, that was a, that was a bad night. Do you feel better? Yes, like, especially about that one. But she got laid. Wow. You don't really get to be just... Yeah, obviously, but I just mean like...

I was in bed and I had to climb over to vomit. And then I bent over, but I didn't close the doors behind him because it was such a panic. So he was on the asshole end of the... And that person had sex with you within... What we're talking about? Within a fortnight of that? No, no.

Never again. Never again. In that night. the morning I went all the best shook his hand and went you and I both know that there's no coming back from that let's just all the best with your future and like it was a lovely it was a lovely guy it was a shame it was a shame so when you said she had sex I thought you did just mean in general I know like I've had sex since well sure have you I don't know I'm so you know what I'll have that wine

that's so funny by the way you were before you got here we've never met but you were already my favorite guest because of all the guests we're on episode 169 stevie of all the guests we've ever had and we've texts before to say just let us know your drink order we'll have before you you're the first person and god bless you to have ever said an alcoholic drink it's my fault it's my fault it's early evening it's early evening i love it i was upset i was like how was no one else ever said that and also god bless stevie martin she's my favorite good for you girl p.m i wouldn't have I did think about messaging you'd have said rosy. Yeah.

This is why I'm drinking. I didn't want you to feel lonely. That's so nice. I love it. Don't ever drink just to not make me sober for 10 years. Oh my. But I really. That fomishing thing happened completely sober.

Actually. No, no, no. No, behave. Oh my God. Horrific. I have. I think compared to some people, I'm incredibly linked

gas-wise. Okay. What's a... I think my mouth. To my, I am as well. It's like, it's one thing. People say like, oh my tummy hurts. Like, oh yeah, but I don't bum it.

I like have to go to the bathroom. Like, I'm like, I don't know. I think anyone knows. I think people especially, people know to generalize women are much more concerned about revealing that they will shit themselves. Yeah, they are. Because everybody will, you know, at some point.

It's coming for us all. When was the last time? I actually haven't. Oh, yeah, I don't mean. I haven't. Apart from, well, the guy. by the Oxo Tower by accident. What?

Do I think we discussed this on the podcast? Oh, yes, you did. We did it in the extras because Catherine left. She walked out. Oh, yeah, okay. I will sometimes do that. I don't want to hear it. Of course.

We'll listen to that. On the bench. We'll leave her there. We'll leave it there. Oh, God. Obviously an accident. Obviously an accident. Obviously an accident.

Doesn't really matter. It's a over as a judge, though. It's a terrible defense. It's a terrible defense. But I never know. No, I don't either. Because I do think, because I, if I gasp sometimes.

I'll get shocked, I can fart. Like, I fart in shock. We've talked about us on the podcast before. It was a shocked energy. Do you remember when I went to that skiing thing that you're going to? Oh, when he fell and he farted, because he fell. I kept tumble-teeting.

Every time I fell, I found it so frightening because I was close to, like, the edge when I'd fall off a mountain that the shock of falling made me too. Yeah. It is a tartary one. Like a racie one for some reason. Or like a cartoon toddler, maybe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do I pass wind is how I say it that's nice sir when I've had a really good idea for his eyes what like a light bulb coming on you're like am I to the end of a fridge I've got to just leave the room yeah oh my god that made me look into it

sorry I've leaned to me that made me look into it because there was a period of time when I wasn't really going very much and I was like struggling a little bit and it turned out it was that I just wasn't not a lot was happening. Not creatively. And when I was like, I'll go solo as a performer and then just loads. Wow. Shut the fuck up.

And I used to actually be like, oh, I can't, I'm struggling a little bit. I'll write some comedy and that will get it moving. I'm not even joking. I'm talking full bounds. Can I ask a couple of questions? Yeah. I'd love to ask some follow-ups. I have no follow-up. I'd like this to be over. I'm sorry. Okay, three? Can I have three? Depends if they are, I suppose.

You have two. You can tell me if I can answer them or not because the question might lead so clearly. Okay, if you go into a writer's room, do you pick what you eat carefully before you enter? That's actually a very good question. Well, it doesn't happen so much now because I'm not as scared of doing comedy.

Okay, let's say we're in the height of it. Absolutely, I would pick, yeah. So we're talking like, not a lot of veg, you know. Bananas to bind. Yeah, bananas of eggs. You see quite a lot of hard-boiled eggs just to keep herself. All high and tight.

That's not the phrase. it's used for. No, it's not. No, but now I'm using it for that. You get one more and then this has to end. That's so much pooch at early doors. It is, yeah. Okay, um, you've done some improv.

You cleared your throat. I've got two questions and I'm panicking about it. Okay, so you've done some improv. If there's a good suggestion from the audience or something exciting happens on stage with an audience member, do you pass wind on stage? And by the way, Helen and I differ on this

because she passes wind on the stage and I don't. I've never done that. I've never actually had any action going on Not even, walking on, walking off. No, no, no. Always like in the lead-up before, we used to... During the clapping. On or off.

On or off? The moment I finished, I will go to the loo normally. But when I was in a sketch group, all three of us, they won't mind me saying this, would just decimate every toilet in the lead-up. And we used to call it because we needed to sometimes discuss it in front of people who were just the venue people. But to be like, the toilet's okay now, or it's not okay. or can you maybe divert the venue manager from the toilet? So we would call it filing.

So we'd be like, we didn't quite a lot of filing. Oh my God. And just to keep it okay. But yeah, it got really. Not sweet, Tessa. Tessa's got the most stories, I would say, of that, of the three of us. It's the leaf-poohy people that bowels are absolute shredders. I couldn't fart on stage because I stopped talking.

I'm like a toddler. You know, like you have to stop to. Yeah, you know, like when you see like a child, when you like, you know it's like farging or pooping in a napi because they'll be like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, I couldn't keep talking. You can't fault and talk. There's no world where I could be like, hey, how you do?

What are you for? I'd be like, what do you do for work? So no. You've got to work on that because there's no greater joy than talking to someone and being like, well, that's happening. And I'm talking. I could do it. I could do it.

Particularly on Zoom. To be able to. to like talk through a farm. Oh, um, my friend, uh, farted. I'll just say farted, not past wind. No, I like past wind, um, on a multiple, you know, the thing went and it highlights you. And it, yeah.

And it went, right. And it was just like, oh, and my point is the time. Yeah, he's got a proper job as well. My one's got highlighted for breathing, so I'm a mouth breather. I don't use my nose. And in the early days of Zoom before, we just sort of like had it like, all the squares, but it was just always automatically doing. highlighting I would just be like

Jesus Christ it's so light it's so light they're like Helen there's something on the background I'm like no the foreground absolutely the foreground

thank you have you had about did you far as well do have you heard about the mouth taping you should try this you should try this okay it's a big thing what is it I saw it on Instagram

while scrolling is it where they just like try and suffer it Okay people who struggle with snoring? Yes. That's not okay. So they can breathe. If you've got a problem where you can't breathe through, you know, I just don't know how to use it.

Well, then you need to tape your mouth shut. But is it a psychological thing or you literally, there's no nasal pathogens? So like close your mouth and breathe. Yes, you can do it. You're not in the use. I don't get enough air. I've got this bump here. My dad's got it as well.

And so there's a couple of there's like quite a few mouth breathers in the family. And it can be fixed, but you need to crack it. And they need to like, it's the sinuses that go under here. And it's like quite a... Don't tape your mouth. I think it takes you out for a month. Yeah, yeah. Don't tape your mouth.

To the point where I'm like, you've got to pick a month to be out for. Yeah. And it also would change your aesthetic a bit, which always feels a bit like, oh, I don't know, nerve reckon. I think that was just a thing 90s starlets said so they could get an end's job. That is. It is a thing that, yeah. Some freaks have it. Wow.

Myself included. Wow. But like. You've got quite a good nose as well I think I quite like my nose You're going to draw a nose It's like a nose Yeah you don't want to have to

Even though I do of different shape nostrils Which I think is quite fine Everyone does Everyone does I do too everyone does One's a bit like more narrow One's a thing Yeah everybody does

No one has identical nostrils I think I do Let's have a look Identical nostrils That's brilliant Oh my god sorry That's exactly the same I take a bad

It's quite good isn't it But there's When did you lose your virginity The day you turn 16 You're brilliant girl Sorry, those were exactly the same. What are you talking about? They're exactly the same.

Mine are so different. I just thought everyone had different, but... I guess not... Yours are a little bit different like mine, yeah. One skinnier. Wow. I'm like, Piper before and after. Did you go ask recently to sell your burps online, by the way?

Oh my gosh. Yeah. So it is to all of us. Okay, good, because I was like, what have I... I've really been on TV. So it's like, what did I... No, it's all female comics, I think. Is that one gross guy?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Catherine said not to, but let me know where you're responding and what your rate is got, I want to go undercut. I tried to once, I got quite, there's a little period of time where I was getting quite a lot of requests to send people used leather jackets that I'd worn. And I was like, no, obviously, no, I was like, oh, there's one that was like, send me a vial of your spit.

And then my dad was like, I'll spit in a jar, and he said it to him. He won't know. That would be a bit of fun. But then he didn't really reply. Oh, that's a shame. But then I did engage with one leather jacket person. And we got to the point of £500 was what he was willing to pay. I was like, this is pretty good.

And then I was like, okay, I'll send it. And then he just stopped messaging us like, oh, you just wanted the excitement of me engaging with you about the leather jacket. You're not actually going to wank into a leather jacket, which is incredibly disappointing. Yeah, that's interesting. It feels like such a good passive income. And I've just learned the phrase passive income.

So it's just, it's, I want. Just using it whenever you can. Well, kind of, kind of. That's very passive income of you. if I don't say It kind of is It kind of is Catherine It kind of is

That's how to use it I don't disagree Superfluous I don't know what it means I love saying it Superfluous is You don't know what it means That's fascinating

Here's my question Does it mean pointless A bit more A baby Here's my question my love We as you know Do answer listener problems On our podcast

Oh yes Do you give it my Oh no What a shame My boobs And my boobs are big the normal one and they come out this way it's like a four boobs thing

so it looks like they're going hello like it's just not I get it I get it can you believe creeps message you on Instagram sorry my boobs are out what have I done what have I done what have I done my butt they're a lovely so oh I touched it they're a lovely size good for you nice and high now then my darling it's the bra it's incredibly yeah but good girl good girl good girl good girl

identical identical nostrils and four boobs beautiful good girl what more could we ask for nice white dog now please Catherine give me a question thank you thank you so much um do you get asked to give your advice often to give advice often no no and in so far as you do what kind of advice giver would you say you are oh like panicky yeah oh my god say more on that well I'll just sort of be like what did they want me to say what would be the best thing also I don't like sometimes you know I don't have the

life experience to give the advice and then I also don't want to like I'm you know when you ask someone for advice and then they'll just start talking about their situation which sometimes can be really helpful but I don't want to do that either yeah I get very like oh but I'll be very calm hence the red wine very calm and on this podcast okay amazing it doesn't sound like I'll be did it no and the last were you told about being drunk you ate way too many dried apricots and had to go to 80 but I think it's going to be fine that was in 2008 okay oh that was age can I just sorry quickly after the 30 second far just go back to the apricot yes all good after that

Or was it a night overstay? It was a night overstay. I was like, oh, the cramps have gone. And she was like, yes. Yes, of course they have. Because you had a terrible wind. Yeah. And then she was like, you'll just be bloated for quite a long time.

And then also just, you know, go to the bat, get some emodium to stop any situations occurring. And I just couldn't really do anything for about 24 hours. Except from tell everyone what happened. Of course. Of course. Is the emodium, the goer or the stop? It's a stop. Obviously, it's the stop.

I didn't want to just check and go in. Because sometimes it's nice to go and just get it done. Oh, like a colonic. Have you had a colonic? Never, but I'm curious. I don't need it, obviously, because in 2008, I shut everything in my body out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I quite like, I quite like the idea.

Sometimes I really feel like it would be a nice feeling. Apparently, when you get one, Ross Noble said that when you get one, and I don't want to misquote him, so sorry if this is not what you said, but this is what someone I know said, is that you can ask for the two, to be open or closed by which, I mean, you can ask to be able to see through or not see through what's coming out. See through.

Yeah, I'd like to see it as well. I feel completely the opposite. I would not want to know, but apparently they do like, it's like stuff that you ate as a kid, like a doll shoe and stuff will come out. Yeah, I need to know. Oh, for the doll's shoe, I want to look. Yeah, obviously that does make a sound appealing, but I think it's not to know. Yeah, just like a full old man's shoe.

Yeah. I don't see that. But like, it was a tiny little dainty doll shoe. A size nine. That's slipper. Grand Tats, shoot! Tennisball. That'd be fascinated.

Yeah, no, that would be crazy. Okay, Andrew, do you have a problem for panicky Stevie over here? I do indeed. This is the problem entitled Total Reset. Sorry, she doesn't like that one. Piper's excited. Total reset. Let's go. Yes, from F.

Hi, F. Hi, F. Hi, trusty hogs. I had a draft of this email, sat on my inbox for a while. But since I wrote her, I found out this week that my fiancé, who I bought a house with and have been planning our wedding for has been messaging other women. I've immediately removed myself from our home and have cancelled all our wedding plans. I feel like I'm in a total free fall and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was originally just intending to ask some advice about a career change. Oh God. For the last year, I've been unhappy at work in telling myself it will get better, but somehow it's just got worse. Specifically, I'm an environment consultant and I thought I'd be working to make a positive impact, but I don't think we're the good guys. So, I want a total restart. I've never been the most confident person

and I'm struggling to identify any actual skills or think that I'm good at anything I just don't know where to start please help if you can find the funny in any of this then I'm all ears how do I go about starting all over again in all aspects

I this is going to be the best year of your life what I think it's going to be the best year of your life really my life you're doing a total restart a total restart is very exciting I think it's incredibly exciting. You are letting

go of all of this shit and you're starting. It's terrifying and painful because you're obviously in agony right now. Maybe something symbolic would help. Like going to the London Dungeon. Like doing one of those things

that seem like if you kind of lame but actually like writing down all the things that you want your new life to look like and like burning it while nude on a beach or something. Visualisation. Yeah. Visualisation. Why can't she'd be wearing pants?

Oh, can be, could be. Yeah, absolutely. I think being naked is incredibly powerful and something to definitely consider as a future career. I think two things, there's two versions, obviously that is dire.

I'm sorry work has been shit, and I'm so sorry that you've been betrayed by your partner in that way. Totally. What I am hearing, though, is one, you're a year into a career.

Is it a year in this place or it's been a year of being bad in this job? For the last year being unhappy. You've given it a year, I think truly is like you know it's not going to get better sometimes when people are like I'm having a tough time for like the last two months you have to kind of be like well give it a six months but actually you've definitely given it enough time you know that's not right for you which is an exciting place to be because you know what you don't want and you're not going to leave being like maybe I should have given it more time that's not an issue you have secondly thank fuck you didn't marry this person oh my god yeah can you fucking imagine the ball like it is so stressful to cancel wedding plans as it is imagine if you're actually married thank fucking you very He showed his ass. Yeah, he really, and you...

Or they showed their ass. They showed their ass and you believed it. But thank fuck that you actually did whatever it is you did, you needed to do to find out and trusted yourself. And also, obviously, okay, it's interesting this person's not describing themselves as confident. Sorry, I've jumped in with advice really early on. I'm really enjoying it as a panicky woman. But I just feel like to describe yourself as not confident is one thing, but your message indicates a lot of self-worth because, and I do think they can be different, but self-worth is, I think, probably more important in this instance because the fact that you removed yourself instantly

and we're like okay I 100% have to get out of the situation and assume yourself capable of changing your life means we're starting in a good place so they didn't take or they didn't take that from you so well done for maintaining it yeah so many people stay or don't like have a melt done don't realize that they need to change yeah that's a really good point people just like they've invested what's it called depreciating assets um do you mean the sunk cost fallacy that cost fallacy close enough eh and um is that not close i didn't realize this was like a business podcast oh yeah yeah yeah sorry sorry we actually pivoted just recently from protein so um to business yeah but you are there's a bravery in going like none of this anymore and now you can do

literally anything and you're saying you don't have any skills skills are there to be learned and garnered but also you can get whatever skill you want but also that does feel like sorry a lie i i know you're not feeling great but that's a lie you're you're an environment consultant you are a consultant consultancy it's applicable in lots of industries and the environment is a thriving industry you might not be working in the right place but there's a hundred percent places that you can go to that will be doing work you care about yes also that like specific thing realizing that they're not the good guys is really horrible but there are other there are good guys they're like startups there are like maybe go more grassroots and more like on the ground it might have be less well paid but it would be

there's definitely possibility for that And also imagine you guys have a cute little rental And you're working for something You really believe in Yeah Oh my God And you're like starting, yeah And I think actually

You wear hemp You wear, no, no my god Burn everything you own as well If you're starting fresh Disagree, disagree No hemp Close your back account Unless you like hemp

No Even if you have hemp If you have hemp If you have hemp's nice Isn't it's very earthy Is it's hemp? Is it's hemp? Is that hemp?

Yes It's not hemp? that's a hump I don't know why I associate him with white people who have dreadlocks but maybe I know why because they wear it yeah

and they're happy yeah what would you do if you could start again and start fresh can I just say this I had dreadlocks and just run

no there's in the client about you get yourself a skinny dog and naturally skinny she didn't mean she's crying and doing this

with her one claw that isn't amputated. I've been going to have to cry before. No, but if I may, I think that the workplace is the place to start, actually, because I think the beautiful thing about work that you care about is that it's a distraction. And I think probably if you were in work that you cared about in the field of work that you do care about, it would allow you a little bit of perspective. That makes the world feel bigger than right now what must feel like your whole world imploding. I also think, do you really?

have somewhere safe to live somewhere nice to live that can be a priority and then everything else like this the admin of a breakup can be done at a later stage if you wanted to be you are not on anybody's timeline do it when it suits you not on this person certainly you could um get one of those planes you know those um plates person planes and do that fly away home thing you know when you get those geese to follow you i've always thought it was such a lovely way to spend a summer yeah i've seen the film. Taking geese to the warmer climbs in the south. Is that what they do?

Yeah, that's what she does. I thought the geese flew back to her. Fly away home. Yeah, of course. No, you're right. I mean, I don't think I've seen the film so I don't know why I'm wearing in. Oh, it's brilliant. You must. Is the environmentalist's first move to get a plane? Oh, it's only list so that's just for one pair. Say paper plane. You just want to fly that geese, it's fine.

What I think, wow, I think tiny, I think tiny goals, break the standard to tiny things. Yeah, I was going to say, I didn't want to say get a fringe because it's not relevant but also there's it's quite nice to just change something about yourself just to to mark the new not a fringe is really bad actually can i say not a few of curly hair yeah or if you've got like different colored hair like i have because then when the fringe comes down it's like the roots are really so yeah maybe i did it don't get so beautiful with the i loved the fringe i loved it worked out perfectly every eighth day i might look nice i thought you

looked truly stunning oh it was so different and it takes so much long to grow out it didn't work for me okay so no fringe but maybe a different hair color maybe like that could be fun nipple piercing and nipped so many nipple piercing they're hard to get to heal let me say that much hard to get to heal okay a nose I did a nose piercing that's fun that's fun but I'm yeah I'm bringing more like symbolic things but I think you've done a lot of great practical things but I think you also have to like not romanticize it because it's not good but like romanticize it in the eat pro love sense you know romantic that's taking care of yourself

is a bit like is this so much effort where there's like so many flights to burgers oh yeah don't go anywhere how about just go like mountain mad how about mountain mad

go mountain mad what's that like just go to mountains just you and a tent on a mountain and that's all you got and then you just go full survivor

I think that's bad I agree no mountain mad is charming it's charming it's charming it's charming I think maybe like the next stage is that but I think you take some fem fresh

don't be mental you know but I think you've got to have people around you and remind yourself as well that you're not alone because you do have friends you will have friends and you do have it and also if you change where you work and that's also

a whole fresh set of people who didn't know you before with that person so then they're not constantly going your partner oh yeah I agree get a job but lush they're so nice people that weren't there, lovely colleagues for you can just shop there if you're desperate to be spoken to can I say this

I think that if you did not work at WH Smith's oh my God I worked at WH Smith for like two three years I feel like some Sometimes they've got a bit unfriendly in there. Yeah, they have. Yeah. Did not work there.

That's number one piece of advice. Sorry. Wow. Okay. Okay. Listen, I was just thinking that if you have canceled your wedding, there's a considerable chance that you have got two things. One, potentially some money put aside that I think you should take yourself on a gorgeous

holiday that you want to go on. Ideally, something that they would never have been up for. Yeah. I think really doing something where you're like, I've always wanted to. do this and they were always like eye rolly or didn't want to spend the money or whatever yes that's the first thing is the second is you probably have okay i hope she won't mind me saying this i won't name her but i will say an incredible resilient and brilliant friend of mine had a very unfortunately similar circumstance where her wedding was booked her dress was bought and she found out the same thing um and a very

similar thing and she had already booked her hindu and her genius best person kept in that weekend and invited all of her friends and had a henny don't oh this is lovely henny don't and the theme was honestly it was amazing

it was such a vibe it was so nice book it anyway if you haven't got it they should definitely do that you have never seen 12 women show up to Hendu actually wanting to be they are

they are honestly they were we're having fun bound by the vengeance but you want to go out on the beer bike fucking mowing peat you want to go to a club

we're going to get you to a club like when you take out a woman with her spurned friends and they are determined to make sure she gets fucking laid on her heady dump it is a vibe it was insane everyone who has done up to the knives every photo was like fuck you bitch

it was the best weekend if I may I would strongly recommend doing that that sounds great And imagine, like, you can have, like, a proper big bonfire and then all of your friends nude, you know. Everyone will get in the sea with you. You want to do, you can also ask for anything

and everyone's like, fucking yes, fine, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You think they have to be nude around fire at some point in the next crime. It's quite fun, I think it's quite fun. That's just twice as Stevie's brought up naked and fire, and I think maybe. It's a real thing for me. Clearly. I've never done it, and I just really wouldn't want to. Maybe you naked fire at the hen part.

We can, like, henny dough. And then I think, I do you think the geese think slightly. Okay, no, you've got to stop with this. I do like the dream holiday thing. They could watch Flyaway Home because it's quite a wholesome film. Oh, it's a bit sad sometimes, but I would watch it. And also just like truly, truly, truly, true. Oh, and Notting Hill.

It's so fun. Don't watch Notting Hill. Why would you watch Notting Hill while they fall in love? No, you want to know. No. He goes, fancy a fuck on the back. That is funny. Yeah, that is funny.

Why don't think of wearing a fuck. No. I don't think good. I don't think that's the right, no, absolutely not. Double West Prada, brilliant film as well, Meryl Streep's incredible. Something irrelevant to relationships, like Schindler's List. Yeah, relationships of that.

It's a war. Him and the list. Him, yeah, and I'm just harrowing times. I went to his factory, you know, in Krakow. Did you? Right, gosh. Glad people know. Let's talk more about.

It's a cheery pod. It's a cheery business pod, actually. And everyone knows it. Okay, maybe not so sad, but like, action, fun action film. Armageddony fun action film, maybe that stuff. I watched Armageddon. It's brilliant.

It's so good. Top tip. Check out Armageddon. It is, I watched it. The day after tomorrow. That is, I've seen it many times. That's also brilliant. What's the one where Bruce Willis goes to space?

Is that Armageddon? Yeah, that is actually very good. Brilliant. Braveheart, brilliant. What's the media? And it's going towards special. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Wow. Do you like a triple bon jovie, Sandra.

Oh, definitely book a karaoke booth for one. Oh, no. Do it on the heavy, don't. What? Every piece of your advice. Well, I've never been in a relationship. A lot of the things I have for ideas are single, okay? I don't think it's that sad to go to a karaoke.

You know what? You've never done that. Yeah. You've never done that. Just one other person, just one of the person. So you can at least sing. Don't do that at all. Don't do that at all.

Oh, um... Cagic is quite fun. Topical. Go watch Mufasa. Herd is great. That is topical. Yeah. Because it's in cinemas now.

My friend who went through this, the analogy that she used to use most that helped her most, and then we'll leave it on this, we have to find out what Steve is up to. And sorry to bring it back to shit, but she used to say that something that helped her was reading about somebody describing having your partner be unfaithful to you. like it's like when a neighbor steals a package from your front doors they didn't know was put there by a prankster and it's actually full of shit enjoy you definitely stole it well done it's yours now but it is full of shit I was so like what are you oh no I get it and I think much more upsetting oh no no I think like yeah I mean whoever it is and he's moved on with like yikes poor them it's been a really shit themed yeah yeah what are you up to we're looking people find you a and e public toilets but where else can they find you on burp videos but where else can they find you?

Buying apricades but where else? When does this go out soon? Next week. Oh my God! Okay. Jesus! Emino! So I'm doing I was, I cancelled some of my Soho theatre run dates in December which is good because

December's a bad time to do comedy because everyone wants to go to Christmas party. Everyone's got home alone on TV. I did it all month but go on. Yeah. I'm sure you were fine but I was struggling but yeah

so I'm doing them in March and I've forgotten the dates but if you go on Saveho Theatre.com it's in early March right what's a show called clout and it's just it's just a good old laugh

it's more than a good old laugh I went to see it in Edinburgh and I fucking loved it I loved it I love it I got to hold the book here at the end and I was nice to see Helen and I was in a cool seat at the band

you're doing Margate I live there So I'm going to come and see your show And you can see you in Soho Where the gays all live And you can see me in Margate Where the gays also all live What are you doing there?

You're fucking taking over Every goddamn place Okay amazing You live in Margaret I want to live by the sea how nice It's really nice Yeah I believe you That's why you seem so happy

You go to the slot machines Like every day No that's the thing that we don't really go No I wouldn't have been mental I go to the beach And the kind of boogey bars That sounds delightful You haven't one near the Pokemon toys

Oh no wow Again, she doesn't go there. I will let you know, yeah. Let me know. And where can people find out of line? Oh, and at Steve. I'm going to say, at Steve. I'll just leave it there.

I'm surprised that was left. You can just get that. It's mad. My social media handler is at Stevie M, but yes, is a five. I'm sorry. Can you say hello to my friend Anna Grant? She loves you. Hello, Anna Grant.

Oh, that's nice, Anna. Where is she? Scotland. Hello, Anna. And my girlfriend was wondering if sometimes people call you martini short. Oh, that's so, that's the, no, no one's done that. It's good, isn't it? That's so good. Because I have, my favourite drink is like a very extra dry, extra dirty martini.

So at my wedding party, we had the Stevie Martini's, which was that. And because everyone always goes, oh, Steve Martin, that's a really good. Martini short. She's funny. Isn't she good? She is funny. Guys, give it up for Stevie Martin, everybody. Yay!

Woo! Oh, sorry, sorry. You guys, thank you so much to our exec producers and to our producers. We're going to do a shout out to our exec's first to say thank you so much for supporting us on Trustee Horns. That was actually really good. Okay, thank you to our exec producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Annie Turner, Stephanie Katracea, Oliver Diego, Anthony Carmway, near Redmond, Stey, Kishmore. Hey, you're walking here. You guys get that I'm too tired to keep fighting, right?

I'm just sorry. Also thank you to our producers. L. Richard Bald, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Clare, Owen Jones. Jess and Nick, Aaron, Molly Ryan, Fing Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Worf, Matt Sims,

Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Liz, Forrest, Taz, Anthony, Chloe. Are you doing a... What are you doing while I'm... I'm waiting for you to read all the names and I'm going to go, eh. Stop punching the air. So I needed to get the names up so I can follow along. Becky Fox, Dean Michael, Sophie Chivers, maybe Chivers,

Carrie Sooth, Charlie A, KC, Jam Rainward, Tamsin Smith Harding, Hannah J, Ezra Peregrin, Brin, Laura Pollock, Leah Overend, Stephen Chicken, Dougie Robertson, cute name, Haley Singer. Guys, honestly, thank you so much for supporting the podcast. We couldn't do it without you, and we are so grateful. And this is the end of the thanks for Patreon,

and also the end of any plugs that we might want to make about Patreon. It's the end of everything. This is the end. That's the end of it. See.