Trusty Hogs - Ep172. DAN TIERNAN / Spatulas, Sleepovers & The Simpsons

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

From sexual awakenings to scintillating spatula chat, we cover it all with the brilliant rising star comic DAN TIERNAN! FOLLOW DAN: @TiernanComedianNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Annie Tonner / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie CashmorePRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie Robertson / Sarah DeakinWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I earned my degree online at Arizona State University. I chose to get my degree at ASU because I knew that I'd get a quality education. They were recognized for excellence and that I would be prepared for the workforce upon graduating. To be associated with ASU, both as a student and alum, it makes me extremely proud. And having experienced the program, I know now that I'm set up for success. Learn more at ASUonline.asu.edu. welcome to episode 172 oh my god bow wow bow wow bow wow bow wow welcome to episode 172 of trusty hogs my name's helen bower this hoarse katherine bowhart we're going to be wearing a shirt for goodness say this slut

what's best for you slug or whore slag actually feels most true really yeah like a bit of a slag just because it doesn't feel necessarily sex related in that like i don't have like sex with multiple people anymore yeah but slag still feels like like yeah but also kind of like it has a i don't know i has like a bag lady quality and i like jane norman purse yeah i like it's like she's she's gonna drink a lot of wine and say her feelings about everyone same perfume scent since you were 12 years old you're calling your signature scent we call it lecoss touch of pink oh no it's flower bomb but it has has been the same one since I was 16 what's flower ball victor roll I've worn the same

perfume so sounds very nice I'm currently out of it it's making me feel so weird m to the shop but do you ever do you ever want out of print him and just feel like I feel like I feel so I've been trying on other sense but I just feel so weird Mitchum the geodrant I need a Mitchum I think I've no but I feel like I've moved no it's not you wear so many nice perfume Mitcham no you are always wearing Joe Malone give over not today that's pretty sad But usually, I, do you need a new deodorant. I bought a really... Thank you for keeping me honest, Catherine.

I bought a really, like, expensive for deodorant, natural deodorant recently. And it just hasn't worked and I just felt kind of funky and they don't work. I wish they did. No, one of them has worked for me that I got before. No, no, genuinely it has. But this one doesn't work at all at all at all.

When I was little. By the way, welcome to the podcast. My name's Helen Bowler. We talk about ourselves. And then we have a guest, Dan, Why did I let you do the intro? Because it's my turn. Through the fog,

step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give me your problems and they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem. They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine

And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not Making waves does work But it's what I bought was bad Really? So I bought, when I was younger I had one of those mums who was like You're not shopping at boots or super drug

Because that'll make you ill Like, you know, like the ingredients in them So I had you drink from Holland and Barrett Which when you're like 13 and 14 And going to like a mainstream school It's just rough being the Holland and Barrett Yeah You know what I mean?

Getting your Christmas. to deodorize with. It's done. It's fucking tough. It's fucking tough. It's particularly when you've just got like, there's a lot of, like, it's hormonal time.

No teenager doesn't have layers to their scent because there's like, there's the hormonal balm. Yeah. And then there's the natural deodorant. And then you've got on the impulse teas body sprays. You've also got the natural fact that like you're not showering as much as an adult would. You are definitely like doing pee when you didn't plan it and then have to crack on with your day. You are missing your period.

eight out of the ten times something's coming out of you. Like there's always blood somewhere. Like you're just a walking boil. Yeah. Shout out to teenagers who are listening. Hope you well. You genuinely learn. It's a complicated time.

But I feel like I've smelled bad recently. Really? Yeah. And I haven't felt that way in a long time, but I had this deodorant situation. And also when it was really, really cold just then, did you find that like I would wrap up? to go out, walk, and then arrive

everywhere and I'd be like, what the fuck? I stink. I had a wet spine. No. I'm not joking. I really understand. I had on a heavy coat but I was wearing thermals and a jumper. Not to be all hell and bear about this, but my, I get them. No, I don't get under tooth. No, not the lip. Yeah, I get cooch.

There we go. It's cooch. It's a real, like, oh, I could really make a potato print, you know, that kind of way. Like, it is that. It's giving them. But hey. And it stays wet. Yeah, it does. You've got to change. Like the spine dries.

Yeah. Do you know what? It gets air. It gets air. Yeah. You're not airing. The face that gets sweaty, dry. But this time of year I'm doing a gene or I'm doing a tight.

There's no, there's no breathability there. Yeah, it's very tough. But anyway. You have to carry a little fan with you and go to the bathroom. My point is I might give Mitcham a go. Oh. I knew there was something I was saying. Do it.

I use the Mitchum powder fresh. What's the one that lasts like, it's like 48 hours or 24? green what is that that's Mitcham Mitcham's the brand it's all green but I don't think you're supposed to do the 48 hour ones I feel like I've heard that it's like you don't want to clog up because if it's an antiperspirin those are the 48 hour ones that antiperspirants and that means they're clogging up the pores and you do want them to breathe it's like you don't clog them up four hours like don't wear it overnight but how is the natural one that I'm like that goes on basically like a cream not clogging them up anyway I don't know I don't know a one day we'll live in a

world. Or women to smell good all the time. Or where we just go like, that's the smell of a person. No, I don't want to live in that world. No, I don't want to live in that world. No. But then you all stop smelling it. No, I've been in the green room with an entirely male lineup.

I don't want to live there. No. I don't want to live there. No. Why is there no door properly on the toilet? Why is it in the green room? Why is there no door in the toilet and why is it open? Why is it in the green room?

I've seen so many people, poo. So many people. It's so bad. No, it's not right. It's just, it's, it's not right. It's too in your face. It's prison terms. It's crazy.

Like, there shouldn't be a microwave and a toilet in the same room. There, I said it. I'd never thought about the microwave. Those do not go in the same space. Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. Go on. Guess what I did. I could never guess.

I just know I'll never guess. Never in our entire friendship have I, I thought, this is the logical end of the sentence and had it be that. So I'm just not going to guess me more. Please just tell me. I had a big girl moment. I bought my first toaster and kettle. For your new house?

Yes. Oh my God. I haven't got it yet, obviously. Yellow. They're yellow. But what company. Russell Hobbs. Oh, lovely.

That's what I thought. They work for life. Mother may I? Yeah. Two or four slice? Two. Good for you. Yeah.

If I get a four slice then I'm not leaving about. No, I do hear you. Secondly, does it have one of those pullout? drawers to give it a little clean or do you have to turn it upside down to shake? Pull out drawer. Oh God, it's so good. Thank you. Last and maybe last, another important question.

Are we doing tall upstanding or are we doing it dump a little around? Kettle? Yeah. Tall upstanding. Gorgeous. Can we see through or no? No. Yellow.

Okay. Does it literally come off or does it just pop open? Pop open. Okay, gorgeous. Is that good? Yeah. I did not put as much thought into it as you have. Oh, no.

I just want to picture them and I want to picture them perfectly. Then when you say yellow, both are yellow. Yeah. I've never seen a yellow toaster. Me neither. That's why I bought it without thinking or research. Buttery yellow or like daffodil yellow

or like sunflower bright yellow. Pale yellow. Butter? Maybe. Gorge. I don't know what sort of butter. Anka's quite dark. Do you mean a lurpach?

That's true. I guess I do mean lurpac. Which one would you say it is? It's such a bad, stupid podcast. I love us so much. I love this so much. Sorry, you're telling me about your story, your gorgeous growth.

I want to know. I love interiors. I want to know. I want to be picturing the right kind of cat. Lurpack, Lurpacky, but like with a little bit more yellow. Also, sorry, this is an audio medium. If I'm like, show me a pick, you show me a pick and I know.

How does that help the listener? I'll take pictures of it when I get home. Will you send share it to the group? Yeah, because it's so exciting. By the group, I mean, the Instagram page for a podcast. And then when I went to TK. Oh, my voice is so high-pitched. How do you bear me?

I'm sorry, everyone. I went to TK. Max and I bought my first spatula. Oh, really? Because you know those things that you realize that you've never had to. I don't think I've ever had to buy one for myself. I feel like there's always been a housemate had it or someone had one or like it was given one but I don't think I've ever bought one.

Okay, I still have questions about this. Is the entire thing silicon or does I have a wooden handle and then silicon top? Is there one right answer? Because I know what the answer is but I'm nervous I've got it wrong. There's no right answer. I'm simply trying to imagine the right thing. Wooden handle silicone top.

Gorgeous and the top is pink. Dusty pink. And it's like a pale wood? Yes. Okay, is a big spatula or a small spatula? Small, medium. Like the size of... You get an egg.

on it, but not two. I hear that. Okay. Wait, what are you thinking of, when you say spatula, do you mean like things to wipe the bowl? Huh? Why are you saying eggs?

Like, like, what, you'd flip an egg with in a pan? Sometimes it's called a fish slice, right? Yeah, I'd have called that a fish slice. Okay, I don't know what a fish slice is. I've never heard that word before. Does it have slats?

No. What? Okay, is it, it doesn't have slats. But it's a thing you turn things with on the pan. Okay, so I would think of a spatula rightly or wrongly as a thing that you

fold flat and then you do that yes that I Sineal has one of those and it's bright pink but I think that belongs to him okay but that's not but you don't need that for baking I do I haven't got everything I need yet like I don't even have a gingerbread man cutter out I'm not for a moment suggesting that you have to have it done yet although it's crazy that you have a gingerbread cutter because like what are you going to do day one okay

but fine um my question my I just meant more like I wanted to picture it right um well I wouldn't handle for it A fish slice. I wouldn't handle it. Well, maybe it's not a fish slice then. I think fish slice is quite an old school term. I'm not really sure why we both know it as that. Is that what they're going?

But what is it that you mean? I've never heard it. A spatula? I feel like I said that incredibly clearly. No, but a spatula is like you clean a bowl with it. You know, like it takes up everything. Let me show you what a spatula. Do you need to call Soneil to show you what it is?

No, I think we should do point of reference for like what I think a spatula is and what you think a spatula is. Okay. Helen, this is what we're talking about. Yeah, that. is to me also a spatula. I feel like there's seven... Okay, no, looks like both of these things are being called spatulas.

Yeah. And I was thinking this one and you were thinking this one. So I have one of these but it does have a little curve in it to go to an angle so it would be so you could lift and turn. So you are...

We're talking about the same thing. You're talking about a spatula and so am I. Yeah. What the fuck was that? No, no, no, no. We're not having a fight. We're not having a fight.

I just, I can't tell me if I'm having a fight or not. I'm having a fight or not. I don't have a fight. fight with you. I'm literally, I'm living right now. We've only just started the episode. I'm exhausted. I'm already so stressed. I bought my first spatula from T.K. Macs is a very exciting day. That's amazing. You're a woman now. I honestly, everything I get, I'm like, because everything is a big decision. Like, do I want to be a house that has liquid hand soap for guests? And do I want it to be

in the bottle that came in? Or do I want a refillable thing? Or do I want to be like a crazy eco hippie and just have some like hemp with a bit of seaweed in it and be like you just rub that on your hands so you mean like a block of soap sort of yeah sort of but in hemp sort of but in hemp and what where have you come down on there I haven't it did the my can't sleep at night it's huge it's huge I do think I'm gonna have a pink bedroom though

oh really you've dropped orange already last week it was all orange you don't so the all orange things I tell you about the Simpsons plan paint everything Simpson's yellow let them know mentally ill before they you walk in the whole thing

Simpsons yellow you'd be like okay I've made an informed choice either to sleep to stay or go yeah yeah yeah and I think that's fair

for everyone okay you're choosing your decor based on one night stand well just sort of like letting people know like welcome to my home

I'm mad yeah yeah I like the Simpsons and this is my favourite colour you could get that piece put on a piece of drift wood driftwood

and then you don't have to decide the whole just hanging from the door yeah just like welcome here I'm enjoy my fatula

wolf and wolves clothing kind of thing a wolf in wolf's clothing that'll be so good actually if I just wore a wolf outfit in all time that's not what you're saying but that's where my brain went I want it all pink but then I was thinking like you know those rooms that you wanted when you were younger wait what kind of pink

a dusky pink like a sleepy a sleepy a blushing sleepy pink my room's a blush pink is it yeah I want that that then i want like it to be like sleepy and like but colorful all my stuff's colorful and like homely but then i was thinking like there's something about i mean i still don't have the keys so it feels like it still might not happen but like you i'm thinking about rooms i'm like i can't help but think about rooms that i wanted when i was growing up like friends rooms i was jealous of and martha shaw right had a pink bedroom yeah but her parents had dumped like a massive pot of glitter

into the paint pot before painting it and she had a sparkly pink bedroom That's incredible It's like I can't stop thinking about it And I'm like can I do I don't think I could have it as an ad hoc I think I'd find it hard to sleep in a glitter room But that feels like a bathroom to me

That feels like a bathroom right? Yeah Like a glitter bathroom And can I say this? Glittery Simpson's yellow Can I say oh my god that would be incredible But can I also say this? Yes

It's your fucking house It's my flat it's your flat if you buy this button you get your keys helen a you can do whatever the fuck you want and b you can change your mind yeah in two years you can go actually okay got that out of my system don't need to worry about martha shaw anymore i can stop thinking about her the second i wake up the last thing i go to sleep like every time i see every time i see glitter every time i see yellow every time i see a recycling bin because it's ultimately not actually recyclable so she was so cool have that on your conscience but my point is like you know you can do all those things when you

bye. Oh my god. I've got to get so, if anyone knows where to get a cheap kilogram of glitter. By the way, I absolutely love a biodegradable one please. I absolutely love the idea of you having bought your first place decorating for

baby Helen. I think that's adorable. Is that? Yeah, I really think baby Helen. I think I was 15. That's baby Helen. We're old enough that 15 was baby. Here she comes. Six foot baby Helen. Oh, my gosh. 15 year old Catherine asked for.

Go on. Asked for. What did you dream of? Oh no. Is it going to be magnolia? Something really upsetting. It's going to be an old lady. It was vanilla, but it was magnolia.

Vanilla. Not white. Vanilla. It's so sad. You're 15. It's so sad because people always ask me on podcast, like, what posters did you have in your wall, in your room? And I'm like, I would never have put blue tack on my wall.

Like I'd never My room would have been A living healthy I had a Disney calendar And I cut out every single picture for each month And made like a display of that And it was just It was organized

But absolute chaosy amount of stuff My desk only had My cup of pencils And my alarm clock that went off with the radio Let's bring in our guest Yeah please okay That was upsetting Welcome, let's face it, the opposite of me.

It's the incredible, Dan Tiernan! Wait, start again. I need the listener to hear what it was just a joke. Dan Tiernan just arrived in the studio and said what? I thought me and Helen Bowers should maybe think about having a baby together. I'm, I cannot, I'm not even joking. The problem. I would genuinely be up for that.

They would be the cutest little thing. They would, wouldn't they? Oh my God. I'm Helen, I, like, I very much relate to you in the scenario, which is like, you kind of can't even jokingly say to women in their mid-30s. We could have, I'm 33. No, but you, no, but sorry, your eyes did the mid-30s there, which is like, are you serious?

We better get a move on it. Sit down, sit down. Do not milk this boy. I'll say this, though. My vagina definitely, like, opened. This is what I'm saying. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'm up my dad. I didn't think it would open.

I genuinely think if you rewind the tape, you'll see my knees, like, slightly part. I think, look in your eyes. Your eyes did the thing, and I know it because I know it's when people joke to Ellen and either they would be their our sperm runner, and I'm like, ha ha ha, the thing is,

there's a lot of legal paper, what do you think of that? And they're like, okay. But what is it? What's happening to me? It's just your body's freaking out and soon you won't be able to. How many do you want?

What are you going to ask me? Well, right, okay, okay, I'm glad that's what you're asking me. How many? Do you want? Well, I don't really want a child, to be honest, because I don't have this sort of female, funny, open sort of thing

where you really chemically want one. Do you not have the need to pump us full of your spunky? Some men want babies. Do they, like, I think they just say that they do. Agreed. Do you know what I mean? I think that's true. Dan, you're a gay man.

You know that gay men want children sometimes. What was that? That's my hand dressing now. That's not how your hand just sits like that. That's so weird. Sorry, do you do that all the day. I'm the mother of your child. You look, that, if I saw that hand, like,

that's a dead person. Yeah, 100%. You know what? You interview, Catherine. I'll just sit here, I guess. Yeah, that was really aggressive from Dan. I've lost a child. Okay, that's how it feels.

Dan, you're a gay man. Surely you must have gay male friends who want babies. I don't really have any gay male friends, to be honest with you. That's a whole other story, yeah. Let's get into that story. What's going on? Exist a very heteronormative work. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Where are you from? From the listener? From Manchester. Yeah, that'll do it. No, I'm joking. I'm joking, I know, but also it's gay or football, isn't it? It's one of the two.

Well, I've tried to do the whole, well, you know, it's different in the north. It's different being gay than old. People are like, you're from Manchester. It's like a gay capital of the world. Also, is it Hebden Bridge in the north? Yeah, yeah. But is that just for the girly-whirley-whirley. Yeah, that's the gay girly-wellies.

What's the boys Hebden Bridge? I know in America they've got dude ranchers. I think in America That's where they go It's just a big ranch of men I think it's just like men with like horses and guns And they like sauna They're like they have to be

Yeah it's just something you put into porn hub What is this? No, it's a holiday destination It's called dude you go to dude ranches In like Montana You could try that down Although wouldn't it be so sad of an English boy show It was just like I'm just looking to make gay friends

And they were all like Yeah, what? Exactly let's talk about having babies Who wants to have babies? They're like, no, I want you to shove that shotgun up my ass. Whoa, cowboy. The pace with which that came to you. Dan, how are you?

Sorry, but you don't usually start this, you're right, this is a very intense beginning. But it's very, this pod is very, boom, boom, boom, boom. I think I like that. It's my pace. Okay, good. How are you, how is your day? How am I?

I'm good, yeah, I'm good. Yeah. Good day so far. Great? Yeah. What's you've been up to? Well, it's just boring, really. Oh, great.

You know, a bit of writing New Edinburgh show. Are you going to Edinburgh this year? I am. Oh my God. I'm going. I haven't done a sore show. I'm doing a week of work and progress. You're going?

It doesn't really get. It's a real cop-in. That's the dream, though. I think I'll do that next year. Yeah, I think I'll do a year-on, year off forever more. I did. Forever. No, like five days last year.

I did two weeks a year before. So I've not done a flower in a day. Oh, you haven't done one in, you've had two off. So, well, I didn't. jumping at the bit then you're ready you're ready to go I'm ready to go was your two weeks last time with a show you hadn't done in Edinburgh before yeah okay so yeah so you have I debuted it at Edinburgh but this time I was like I've got this I'm gonna take a year off do work and progressors and spend a year writing it so it's gonna be like so fucking ready

it will be yeah will it I've got a preview tonight and when I say I don't have anything I mean I I literally have nothing do impressions impressions when in doubt do impressions, trust me, what impressions do you have? I've got nothing. Do you want one of mine? I could do a Helen Bauer. Go on. Somebody knock me up. My fanny's opening. Knock me up, my fanny's open. Can

someone lock my fanny up? My lips are above. Cut the door. It's not great character work, if I'm honest. I actually recognise myself. That's 10 minutes, isn't it? 20 if you push her. 20 with some good point. 20 if they know.

20 if they know Yeah, yeah They'll know me That way Where are you going to? Happy Mondays at the Amisham They might not know me That's a new cross right

Yeah They'll know me in the Sainsbury's across the road You pop in there fast Get some audience members Come across What impressions So but I can't do any impressions I like to do animals and stuff

Ooh Like Okay Was that you starting Was that your horse What was that? Yeah that was my My holy owl

Woohoo Woohoo Who Owls people like Owls you can also do the hand thing which makes you look like an hour like that.

Like, woo. People love it. This is really undermining our craft, I feel. Yeah. Craft, come on, come on. It's true. Dad, don't say craft.

I'll say the last word louder and they laugh. It's so true actually, isn't it? Helen, that's so, so, so harsh, but so fair. It's like that actually wounded me. It was so accurate. Yeah, that's made me feel a bit. I know, like, Jesus Christ.

Well, I think we should figure out a new bit for you right now and see if it makes it. Okay. Oh, I think we should do, don't you think we should do, like, if I was like Edinburgh directing, I'd be like, okay, a gay man with no gay friends, what's going on? That's funny, surely. Okay, that's good.

Yeah, I could do something about that. Why? What is it about you that makes you, um, so. What makes you so heterosexual? Um, I guess most of them. my friends growing up as in a big group of like lad mates yeah and okay well you've got to stop saying lad mates if they are my laugh you speak your truth we'll we'll figure out the the wording okay yeah and uh and then like i've got nowadays loads of girlfriends but they're mainly straight and i don't

know you you you end up when you get to your sort of 20s you sort of end up with enough friends i don't really have i've got to do you know what i mean yeah oh well you're just like there's no opening. And also when am I going to make gay friends? I'm going to go join a gay running club or something like that. They love it. I think that'll be really fun. I probably should do that. That'll be adorable. Um, question.

It feels like, sorry, that felt like Dan has actually been trying, like thinking of joining. I actually have a gay running. I said, what am I meant to do? I don't know. Join a gay running club. Would it be normal for them to join a gay running club? All right. I will do that then.

I double dare you to join a gay running club, Dan. What's it called? The one that's, no, don't docks yourself. I haven't, I haven't looked for the gay running club. Yeah. To go back to the bit, we're figuring out, what is, what do you do? I'm just clinging on to this hog for help. I do that all the time.

When you're with your lad mates, what would you do, do you like play video games? Or would you listen to Lana Del Rey? What do we do? Yeah, like what do you do together? Do you drink? Yeah, drink, smoke, but I'm off the weed now. That's another story. I quit smoking as well.

Congratulations. Have your dreams gone? Oh, quit smoking cigarettes? Whoa. I know. Isn't that amazing? Well done. How long?

About three weeks. Wow. Can we talk about because I have a question about what your question was going to be, which was when you thought she was giving up weed, you were ready to say, have your dreams gone wash? When you, if you smoke a lot of weed, when you stop weed, your dreams go absolutely mental. Every time.

Because you're suddenly having them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're having them, but really intensely. I think because THC blocks. like it either blocks your dream recall or it blocks your actual ability to to dream at all to dream i think yeah and then when you do everyone who says they but they go bananas wait can you give us an example yeah like dream that the my mate had a baby so i went to meet the baby and it looked just like him but it was massive so then it started beating the shit out of me his baby was like knocking me out

and it was like biting me and i was bleeding and then it was like asking me to let to get to buy it cigarettes and I was like I can't buy you cigarettes you're a baby and then it was like knocking the shit out of me so I had to give this baby this baby was like smoking and like mentally berating me and then mentally going for you yeah yeah it was just hideous yeah yeah and then I was like everyone was like Dan I can't believe you've given a baby cigarettes and I was like I've been beaten up by this baby and everyone was like no you're not it's a baby and then yeah it was just like hideous that's a nightmare that's a horrible dream yeah but it's like that like five of them a night every night just like oh you wake up like what the fuck yeah and how long does that last

uh i reckon like a a week two weeks something like that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's intense yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i yeah i'm yeah yeah yeah yeah i have weed gummies that's not gonna happen to me is it they're shaped like little dinosaur some of them uh how often are you doing them like twice a month fine I think you're fine fine

you're fine and you know what and also not to get high just like really good sleep yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah do you reckon I'm all right

yeah I think you're alright it's so impressive that you quit this Dan when did you quit last July yeah that's amazing yeah yeah it was mad yeah

but wait what did you do when we were in Australia that was before then so I was smoking a lot of weed then yeah I was like how did you but how did you get it in Australia this is the thing one of my talents is I can't just find weed anywhere yeah well you just message people

who you know smoke it and then they give you a number it's a comedy festival as well yeah yeah yeah because I'm so I would not have known that you were ever high obviously yeah yeah wow you're not back in that are you literally not saying anything but you also can't believe you didn't like yeah I was like anyone smoking marijuana while through in Australia last year no no I didn't say that I didn't say that. I just didn't know that when I was hanging out with Dan that he was high. That's different to I didn't know.

I think I am like so, I think even now I've known. But you are so fun. I'm like really stonery. Like I think it's just the damage is being done. I just am like obviously a stoner. Do you know what I mean? Wow.

I don't think I know what that looks like. I unfortunately what I am remembering is that when we were in Australia together. I really thought I was like, that guy finds me so funny and I find him so funny. And I'm just high as hell. Yeah. I had no idea what you were saying. I was just laughing at your accent.

You were just giggling. I was like, I think I've got friends with Dad now. We are just, she's just charmers together. But no, damn. That is my only favorite thing about being high is people feeling so good around you because you cannot breathe everything they say. Seneal once got a notepad out

and wrote down everything he was saying because he couldn't believe how funny he was being. And the next morning, I was like, just nothing at all. But I had to like stop and get an inhaler at one point in the night before. That was awful. It was genuine, oh man, that's got it. But give her a compliment, I reckon, Dan, right now,

just so she feels good about herself. No, no, it's okay. Dan, just chuck a one. You are really funny. Shut up. And you're fit. That's good. You don't mean either of those things, you gay stoner.

And I would love you. Fuck sick. Oh my God, who's your first crush, Dan? First boy crush. Who did everything? The first celebrity, as it not like, oh my God, you don't really a secret. I've admitted to this to very few people.

and I certainly haven't admitted this on the air No one listens to this podcast So you're getting an exclusive Wow this is huge And this was so troublesome Because no one knew I was gay I didn't even know I was gay I was just like so like no

It's just you know What age real? I think I started having like gay thoughts Like some sort of year eight So like 12 And then I was like 14 I still fancied women at the time And then I was sort of

You know Having sexual thoughts towards men It was like pretty dark And uh Oh God Justin Bieber Yeah yeah That is my gay awakening

But it was so Sorry for screaming It was so bad It was so bad No you don't just say it was so bad We know it was so bad Yeah right I think that's the huge

I've got red Look how red I've gone Oh my god Oh god that's That's nice That was bad Oh stop Dad

Can I ask Oh Stop So, first of all, for the listener, what age are you? We're 14. No, now, what age you? 28. So I just want to get handed.

We're, we're 14. No, and the second thing I want to say, I actually feel so endeared to you in this moment. So don't let Helen's judgment. I'm going to look at you. I feel so, I feel moved by that admission. Go on. Why was it such a problem?

Well, it was in the age when he was like blowing up and all the girls fancied him and all the boys hated him. So we were... The boys hated him. Yeah, everyone hated Justin Bieber. Because all the girls were obsessed with him. And it was like, fuck him, he's fucking . And I was just like, yeah, he's, he's horrible, like, yeah.

And then, yeah, I was like, yeah, no, he's grim, he's this, he's that. And then I was like, oh, yeah, it's just like. Where those are at home that was done, doing an impression of his 14-year-old self-wanking to just a baby. I thought it had to be baby, baby, baby, oh. Oh, oh, I can't believe you got that out of me. Would you, um. So easily, by the way. Super easy as well, because he did a YouTube channel, I suppose.

you could just, yeah, wow, Justin Bieber. Yeah, it's gross. Is that still your type? And I don't mean 14, I mean like, 14 year old boys. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, like, is like what he would have been then. So like, it's like clean cut American,

all American boy sort of like with like perfect long hair still your vibe. No, definitely not, yeah. What, that like, that like, that look. Do you want, do you want a man with no forehead? Yeah, of course. Because you were trying to impersonate what all the girls were into. Was that even more confusing? Yeah.

probably what I wanted to be him as well no yeah but also if you go to school and everyone looks like you're crazy if I showed up at it everyone was like dressed as I don't know sharlese they're on in suits I would have been like oh my god school is very overwhelming you know what's mad is that was like at the time like if that somehow came out that would have been like the worst thing of course to me but all of the I was so desperate for people to not know I was gay I was just like doing what everyone else was doing which was like having the Justin Bieber haircut so I was straightening my hair every morning to look like Justin Bieber like this will throw him off the scent you know yeah yeah I did straighten my hair yeah Dan I would have fancied the fuck out of you

yeah a gay boy straightening his hair every morning all the gay boys at school did you like they weren't out I was just like you just got like a gay daughter their personalities about yeah your personalities are so much particularly of that age you can chat with us yeah we can have farming their banter I was asking out the gay boys on repeat Like I was the opposite of an ally I was a problem I was like Would you mean you won't be my boyfriend

We're back to take Shakira together We know all the lyrics Obviously we're meant to be together Like Croftly like screaming in these sweet little gay boy's faces Like You don't understand I'm like Troy and Gabrielle

I know you know that reference Wow I would have been obsessed with you Yeah maybe you would then I just love that there was an era where in order to not seem gay you were getting up early to GHD your hair Yeah, they were GHD as well

That is just like to me the most exquisite And I had my own ones I had like the short ones You know, of course you did for poison Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I know how crazy is that so people wouldn't think I was gay Ah And also you're so dyspraxic you must have burnt your forehead

So many times my sweet boy Well yeah like I tried to do it but I burn my hair a lot And I couldn't do it, so my mum would do it for me. Sorry, I just got gay. Yeah, yeah. Your mom was straight. You're hair, and the boys wouldn't bully you from being gay.

Well, I think it was so I could get with girls, really. That was the idea behind it. She was trying to pimp you out. Yeah, a little bit. You know. Were you wearing links or what was your stuff? Yeah, I was fucking covered in the stuff. Of course I was.

He's on permanent damage to his skin. Were you good friends from them? I was straighting my hair. covering myself an aftershame, I was straight. Booms! Love them! Love them! Love the booms. Wait, so, when did you come out? When I, well, I came out over a period of years, really. I told, like, my bestmates when I was 18, originally as bisexual.

Of course. I love that you pointed at me. It's, it could be real for some of us. That's exciting, okay. Yeah, and then kind of just slowly but surely told everyone else. I told my parents last. Nice. Best to test the words. What's that to tell, really?

Your mom's holding the GHD. It's like, what? Yeah, yeah. I guess I'm going to chuck these, do I? To burn these. This makes no sense. We're still going to go by Grasia together later, right? Yeah.

Oh, that's so sweet. It's not funny. We shouldn't be laughing. No, it is funny. Are you kidding? That's so fun. I loved every single second of that. That's adorable. I love your mom so much.

You know, one friend I told, I was like, I got something really important to tell you about me, and she went, oh, you're gay. Like, I got a joke. That's a joke. No, it's like, yeah. And then she was like, oh, my God. Okay, I love her.

I love her. Oh, you're gay. You're gay. That woman wakes up in cold sweats. Every day. Yeah. Every day of her life. And it's like, I got to stop smoking weed, man.

Yeah. That's insane. Oh bless that child Just came out Yeah yeah I think I When I came out I thought

I was so paranoid I just thought everyone knew I was like you probably already know this But then no one And everyone was like what You're the only gay man I know Who owns cargo shorts So there's just no way

There's no way Why? What's what's cargo shorts? It's just giving hetero dad Yeah Oh is it? Yeah it's giving like We gotta be a free

to get those those frontlanders it's like first up with the towels it's yeah I just wow yeah definitely God what a gorgeous first crush that's really sweet

how do you feel about him as like do you still fancy him now as he is now no no no really he's grim isn't he yeah so if he like walked up to you tomorrow and he's married yeah and he was like

Haley and I are beards for each other yeah what it's just to be where came and asked me if I wanted to you have to yeah I probably would you do it for your young

you can't you can't turn that down so does you have to reward the child that once was you with the treat that you would have wanted that I really agree did you hate Felina Gomez as a teen then no I wasn't like no why because she was taking my man

yeah I wasn't like but you knew the records didn't you know I did no I didn't you fucking know what I meant Wow what a thrill Yeah

I love Selena Gomez She just seems like a nice person You know Yeah I just love murders in the In only murders in the building I adore it so much It's so good Everyone says that and I still need

I need to start watching new stuff And stop watching Malcolm in the middle You do a lot of reruns All I do is repeat shows Oh I'm a menace for it Yeah The idea of getting something new in my brain Dennis the menace is another one of her faves

I was watching Traitors and then instead of finishing the new series I was like I'm going to watch the first episode yeah of the original traitors the first series

I get that though I've seen it before I get that I know and series one of the traits is just absolutely it's just it's unbelievable that you like retreat

to what you know it's like safety it's nice the safety of Malcolm in the middle yeah so I don't rewatch enough stuff

but I do rewatch traitors yeah the first two seasons yeah I just I rewatch it yeah I love... You don't have time

to make a single gay friend but you're re-watching the traitors. Yeah, yeah. I got it. I thought gay people like the traitors. We do. Yeah. I have a Monday night group

that come over every single week to watch it. We have a party every week, yeah. Yeah. And I'm bisexual now. Are you? Apparently. We're still trying to figure out.

Oh, really? Yeah, I got the definition wrong. Wait, what do you mean we and apparently? You told us you were and we believed you. No, the definition. What do you mean? We are trying to figure it out. We don't know.

You told us if we said, no we're like are we wait when we're saying like the definition is if you so for me I was like I'm not bisexual because it's not until you like are in love with the woman no but then it's just like are you open to it means that you are bisexual the idea that I'm open to it means I am bisexual but for me it's not just mean there's your fanny tingle when you think of women yeah

I'm men then you bisexual but my fanny tingles in general does it just tingles sometimes it tingles and I'm not thinking about anything I'm my bisexual or do I just have a tingly felt like or should I get a cream quite frankly so I'm not having Wheatabix and I'm like I don't know what happened I don't think it's got anything to do I fucking love Wheatabix

yeah weatipx is fucking bang or after bad Underrated it's so good I'm not fun I'm not a fan of Wheatabix I think the texture is mushy and it's not much flamed You're putting in too much milk Sorry we both went for two different angles

I just don't like I don't like it i just don't like i don't like wheat a bit what do you have in the morning i don't really eat breakfast okay well if you don't wake up starving i don't get it but that's probably because i eat late as well how late i'm a big binge eater like i'll just forget to eat that's the most coordinated high-five that i've ever done in my life i was really proud of you yeah thank you let's make a baby is that is that how you're pregnant now she's pregnant now That's all it fucking took, then, yeah. I know.

It would be so nice. I'm going to be paying a lot of maternity. But what time are you having your evening binge? Well, I forget to eat all day. Okay, I don't relate to this at all. Yeah, I just completely forget to eat. And then all of a sudden I'll be like, oh my God, I'm going to, I'm going to die. I'm so hungry.

And then I'll order a lot of food. Late night? Late night. In bed. Domino's carbs? It was Papa John's last night. Sick. It was too thought out that time.

Yeah, that one lost its own. But it was still sweet. Which crust? Which crust? Which toppings, which dips? I'm going thin. It's like? Fin crust.

Yeah. Dip, just the garlic one. Not the buttery Papa Jones one. The garlic can have separate one. I hate their special sauce. A lot of people hate that buttery one. It's bad. But you know what?

I actually missed it last night. I thought I wish I had the garlic butter. It tastes like melted clover. I've never had any of what you're talking about. I've never had Papa John's. I've had a pizza. I've had a pizza, but I've never had a Popper Jones. And what I really can't relate to is the thought of getting to the end of day,

having not eaten and not remembered it. I genuinely wake up and I'm so excited to have breakfast. I'm always starving and it's one of my favorite meals of the day. And then I spend breakfast thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch. And then I spend lunch thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner. And the rest of the time is trying not to be eating all of the time. I just find eating a bit stressful. That's actually common with binge eating disorders is to,

it's actually the recovery is encouraging you to eat instead of encouraging stuff because it's like you're just constantly starving yourself and not eating because you can't handle the thing which means that you always root to a binge whereas like different yeah yeah that's why you have to like constantly have snacks on you and be eating

I would have breakfasts lunch dinner do you have to organise all the food in advance yeah you've got to organise it and then you go's wrong and then you feel sad about it because it tastes like crap or everything goes off as well and then you feel guilty

and all your ladmates have their wives to sort of it Exactly, yeah. You fucking sex. No, no. I love that that's your like assessment of like straight lads. They were all got wives that just and they don't do anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, back to the Papa Jones. It's all the fun and it's like banter but at the end of the day in a lot of the topic. I feel like, you know what I feel like the fat kid who's at the sleepover? Yeah.

Everyone's like, let's order food, they start ordering it. Then someone has a tangent conversation. And you're like, we haven't called yet, we haven't called yet, so it's not on its way, it's not on his way. And then you've brought up five times to the point where you're like, well, I'm going to have to make the decision and order it because I'm pushing it back by another hour and after a pink time to the Friday night. Meanwhile there's some like big drama going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the girls like crying.

You're like, yeah, yeah. I want to see, next thing I'm scared by the window. He can't be gay. He straightens his hair. But seriously, seriously, what are the topics? double pepperoni last night. Mental. Yeah.

Absolutely mental. Why? It doesn't work on a pizza pepperoni as far as I'm concerned. Whoa. As far as famously not the consensus of the groove. It overpowers La Pisa. You want a less tasteful meat if you're going to have a meat in it. A ham.

Oh, I like the spice to a pepperoni. A prosciutto. You don't want a chorizo though you don't want a pepperoni. You want chili flakes and a ham. You're mistaken. trust me, I have been I have been finishing pizza to the point where like Dan, I'm going to be honest with you, I'm at a level now

where Saneal will come in and he'll be like, I can smell dominoes and I'm like, if you find the wrapper, I'll give you £10 million. Like, it's in a bin, it's hidden, there's no evidence of it ever happening. Like, what do you mean? Like, secret eating. I might get a dominoes, but there is no evidence that the Domino's had, apart from a lingering scent in the air. You like burn it, yeah, because I had to...

No, no, I just know where everyone's bins are on the street. Yeah. And who's aren't going to be full? Well, yeah, I think. to do the walk of shame out my bedroom today with a Papa John's in front of my housemates and they were like I was like no judgment here please cut it up into small pieces put it inside of a carrier bag put it inside of another bag sprinkle it in a proper public bin on your way out you're actually cutting with a scissors yep for whose benefit never quite sure actually

okay yeah I'm just wondering who it's hidden from it's for you everyone from myself wow God there's a lot of issues on this panel. Not for me, not for me. Just say panelled. I'm having it. Panel.

Have you ever been to an Indian? Like a curry? Yeah. Brilliant. Sure. Sure. Brilliant. So we've got to my specialist subject

and I've got a bit too passionate. I have a question just to circle back to the bit we were writing for Dan a while ago. Which I know that we're never going to get to but I did want to ask this. Do you have a concept at least of what this show might be about this year? Question.

Thank you. Great question, yeah. Well, I've never really written a show with an actual concept, so I don't know how to do that, but I want to try and do that this year. Okay, interesting. Yeah, like, well, it's a bit of a heavy, last year's show, because I quit weed

because I had a psychosis at the end of, in the start of July, before Edinburgh. I'm so sorry. No, it's all right. It's good, actually. It's like a cleanse, yeah. But it must have been scary. Oh, yeah, for everyone else.

Yeah, like, it wasn't that scary for me. thought I was, you know what I mean, about to save the universe. But, like, yeah. And you could have. I was killing. Yeah, yeah. No, I think I did. Yeah.

Yeah. I heard rumors. Well, thank you. Yeah, yeah, you're welcome. Wow. Okay. Yeah, so I just completely lost my head and then nearly got sectioned and then had to stop smoking weed.

And then I thought I was going to not be able to do Edinburgh. Yeah. And then I did a bit about it in the Edinburgh show. And then so, but only a little bit. So I think I might deep dive into that. But then deep dive into it. This sounds fucking perfect. And if you feel like mentally ready

because it's like, it's not, of course you can deep dive into it. You're a great writer. You've got a wonderful head on your shoulders. Like obviously you can deep, but the question is, so it's to everyone, can you deep dive into it every single day?

Yeah, like, are you comfortable doing that? Yeah. Because sometimes you're like, sometimes an audience just comes in and you go, not for you. And that's when, just to go back to what I was saying earlier, have some impressions under your belt.

Yeah. I know, and I'm not trying to do like a perfect callback episode roundoff or anything. But like, sometimes you look at a crowd and you go, I can't tell you this. I don't know why. This is why I have the witch-wanking. I have the cat's bum. I have the snail. Yeah.

I do think, I will say, I feel the beautiful thing about an Edinburgh show, generally speaking, if it's on a theme like that, is that you can get your blurb to do a lot of the heavy lifting for you. And by that, I mean, like, you will have 70% of these of the room. who know what they're signing up for to some degree. If you do your blurb, right. I think your blurb can do you a lot of favours. It can help you, like, you don't want to be like, come follow Dan on an interesting journey.

Like, no, no, no, no. Because that's the thing, that's why I hate that. Because I would, if someone was like, this is a show about psychosis and mental health, I'd be like, well, I'm not going to that. That'll be shit. But actually, it is helpful to tell some people that because then they will come in being like,

yeah, we signed up for this, we meant to see it. Yeah, yeah, true. I always say my shows about being. mental and people come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or in that I described the shows and they're about my life.

Yeah. And it's like, yeah, she's mental. Or make the first minute so mental that it's just clear then. Like, you're in a straight jacket, you're on stage. No, no, no, no. Every fifth person that comes through,

you turn to them and go, ah! I think that's Helen. Oh, on a rectet. life splashing like every now and again and hire a clown It's like the head costume

I'm there going underneath the chair And grab if you come back Welcome to Hale Helen come back Come back Come back Come back Come back

We get to the Holy War And it's a hose It's a full-like I can If you came Everyone came and you screamed Every fifth person And then they found it

It was directed by Helen and they'd just be like, weirdly she's directed him as herself. What's happening? No, I'd love to see it, though. People love a jump scare. Yeah. Listen, something to think about. If you don't feel inspired now, when will you?

No, it's true. That is something to think about. Like a really heavy time, though, and I'm sure you can make it funny, and I've no doubt that you will, but also, if you don't, that's fine. It'll be funny in a while, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure it will be, but like, yeah, it's a weird thing. Because really, I've just never, normally I just write a load of, jokes and put them together with a narrative and then that kind of works but it feels odd to go I'm just going to somehow be able to write it feels hard to just write about one thing you've done but you've done hard things before I actually do the opposite now I started my first two shows where I had concepts and wrote them to them and then my second my third and fourth show I wrote bits

and then it became apparent there was an narrative and I now would never go back to writing concept shows because I think my shows are better when I write the jokes and also I find generally speaking because I'm writing about my life they tend to tell a story or they tend to have a theme because we're all like going through

whatever we're going through and they connect together but I think if I were going to write a story which is actually what it sounds like to me you're possibly telling then you can break it into bits because it's like what got you there what happened when you got there

how did you feel how do people react, how do you feel now? Like, those are all bits you can write individually. You don't have to write them as, like, one big story. Yeah, you can go one thing at a time. Yeah, you just break the story down into, like, four bits, really. Yeah. True.

Also, we all overthink Edinburgh shows, and it's like, you can write the best show ever, you can think of the best jokes, but, like, if you farted accidentally on stage, they'll prefer it. Nothing would ever be funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is why I had that, remember the idea of, like, the show where I'd fart myself onto stage?

Like they'd introduce me and I wouldn't be on stage. I'd be like, no, no, welcome to stage, Helen Bauer. And then I'd just go, like, onto stage. No, but it's just an idea. That's genius. Thank you. You should do that.

You should definitely find yourself on. Wheel directed. They just want. It's called gusto. Accidentally shake yourself a bit. Or like, just anything like that. Have you ever farted on stage? Yeah.

I've fought a lot. I don't think I've ever farted on stage. Really, not even walking on. I have never, ever, ever parted on stage. We've talked about this a lot. Helen doesn't, like, walking on, walking on stage. Yeah, yeah.

You're too relaxed on stage. I agree. If you're farting on stage, that is crazy. It cannot tell you how relaxed I am on stage compared to off. Yeah, that's just mad. That's so bad. That's because you're never farting off stage and then you're saving your thoughts. I walk on.

You're like, oh, God. That was a real pain of my tongue. Hey, Dan, before you go, this podcast is about answering listener problems. Okay. Do people ever come to you for advice? More than you think. catching it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I do think not at all. And if I may. Yeah, please. And what kind of things do they come to you for advice? Well, I think what's crazy is like, I've never really

been in a relationship, but I give my friends advice about relationships constantly. We bonded over there. Yeah, never having a relationship. One more time. That was not bad. Guys, you're so good at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, okay. So I think like I've had a lot of friends go through breakups and stuff and you sort of have a good outside eye yeah you know and I also have a lot of friends who are together where I'm friends with them both so I give a lot of that kind of okay I'm quite good at advice to other people but really bad with myself I was gonna say what kind of advice give or do you think you are but it seems like you're a good one you just don't necessarily I can't stop picking the spots on my face

help me your spots yeah good you don't have any spots oh my God he's good oh my God he's good I could literally feel that my vagina is magnetizing in your head. Wow, that was good. God, this guy, you can tell he has male straight friends because, wow, that boy knows what's, oh. The head. Okay.

Here's some problems. Still gay. It's just a little joke. You have any idea how triggering that was? For a woman who was asked out that money gamer. What the hell is? You can't stop doing that. It's triggering for me.

that he just said that. I'm triggered. Yeah, but you did act like your vagina was a magnet and you went, whew! Can I say it? I'll say it. My body. My choice. We'll never get through this problem. Come on.

Okay, this is from V. Hi, V. Hi, B. Hey, B. V. B for vagina. Oh, V. Yeah. Oh, V.

You are gay. Hey, V for vagina. Hello, vagina. Sorry, yeah. Dear trusty hogs team, I have mixed feelings about sending my first problem. I hope I can word this concisely because the whole situation feels confusing

in my head. Great. I'm 18, I've just started university, I'm one month in, and I already have a boyfriend I mess in the first week. I've heard the warnings about uni boyfriend to meet in the first week. I understand this bad. He's the sweetest, most gentle boy, and I'm so grateful to have him. However, I'm conflicted because I'm also bisexual

and until now have had a preference for women and have rarely had crushes on men. I'm struggling because being queer is a big part of my identity, which I can't fully express in this relationship. Also, I know a month in, you can't jump to conclusions, but I'm confused because in order to be in a relationship, I feel like I have to fully commit, but because I haven't had the opportunity to experience dating women, I always have this lingering feeling at the back

of my mind that this will have to end at some point, because I'm not willing to never date women. I don't want it to end, and I also know that to be true to myself, I'll eventually have to end it. I know I'm young, and there's a lot ahead of me, but I can't help but worry about this. Thanks for always being there. Love V. Oh, V, you think things so much when you're 18, don't you? Oh, God. That felt like 18 year old. I said I was good advice.

No, that's like an actual, an actual issue. Yeah, like a real life issue. 18, you're in it. You're feeling it. Yeah. I mean, you've been feeling it for a while. If you started uni probably in September and it's now. Yeah, we should have answered this problem soon.

And I hope that's going. Oh, God. Oh, God. And she's pregnant now. Brilliant, for God's sake. Helen and I will raise the baby while you live your queer life. Oh, will we?

Yeah. Oh, yay. She's having a baby with a homophore. Brilliant. Great. You what? You're part of yourself? Yeah.

I think it's simple, right? So, like, you just... She's having a baby with a homeop. No, he's not a homophobic. He's not a homophobic. I don't know, but that was, that was banter. Yeah, but it is homophobic to date, bisexual women, that's the fact.

Yeah, really? No. Oh, it's not. Helen, oh, God bless you, no. I would imagine when you're 18, first week, it's a bit too perfect, isn't it? So you're just kind of looking for, like, what are the potential problems to protect yourself? So, e.g., like, or meeting someone in the first week, that's a problem. I don't think that's necessarily a problem at all.

And the sheer fact that you're aware of that means that you're probably not just going to be, like spontaneous with love happens when it happened yeah it's like do you think the first time you went on youtube i'm not going to touch me who was sending advice into that what i'm asking katherine i'm just here fee get a therapist that's what i want to i'm sorry that was just the sound of helen whacking a porcelain coaster into her microphone while she tried to say something with clarity Please go on. I don't want to say anymore. No, no, no, no.

Do you know why? Because I forgot what I wanted to say. Also, I think, Dan, you were saying in the insightful, which is that, like, they're probably, she's probably looking for problems. Yeah, I think so. And, like, the thinking, I get that being queer is a big part of your identity and stuff,

but you don't, like, lives for living. Lives for living. And, like, yeah, like, you're, you're saying you don't know if you want to live this, like your whole life like that, but you might not have to. Just live weak by, week you know if you're happy with this boy keep being happy with this boy if he doesn't allow you to

be queer and stuff then that's a problem but you don't necessarily know that that's the thing so you can solve that when it comes to you i think i guess she's saying that she doesn't feel as queer when she's not with like the idea of being in a heterosexual relationship makes her feel less like wholly queer as herself or wholly herself as queer but i i am with you i have to say v i think that the point of being the point of a sort of bisexual queer identity the, not the point, the beautiful thing about it, the value of it, is that you're not restricted by gender.

So it's really weird to then self-police by gender. I do totally understand the desire to be seen as queer because you're not any less queer. What you're missing, I suppose, is like people understanding you as queer. And I think there are lots of ways to express that. Like, that's what an undercuts for. That's what multiple piercings are for.

That's what tank tops are for. Lucy and Yak. Do you know what I mean? It's like, let's get yourself a very good outdoor backpack. We just, we can express this in other ways. And I think what's rare. Carry poetry books around with you. Do you know what I'm saying?

Honestly, also every single bisexual woman I know who dates men tells me she's queer all the time. Like you can just keep saying it out loud. But also, if I'm honest and that, that's true. And they're a scourge. But that's not your fault to be. Let's go back to it. My point is that you can also, I think this is important. very rarely, I think it's very rare to find love with a person who is, who you describe

already as gentle and kind and makes you happy. And I think that is actually what you're looking for. Well, if that's what you're looking for, then I think it shouldn't matter. That's the whole point of being weird that they're boy or a man. And I just think like, I also think I'm sorry to say it. And this is another way of looking at it, but I am, and I'm going to say it. it's so unlikely statistically that your boyfriend who you met the first week of university

will be your partner forever as lovely and gentle as you. Forever is a long time. It's so long and it just doesn't see if it was a girlfriend it just would be very unlikely that you would last.

It just isn't going to happen like all in all likelihood. If it does it's because he has kept making you happy and is exceptional in which case boohoo, what a life. But in the much more likely these circumstances this is now and it's joyful enjoy the joy i do think life is for living i think

you're dead right and go week by week but like you're you also just need to reinforce for yourself you would be queer if you never got with a woman saying that if this continues to be a niggle to the point that you're like i actually no longer want to be here fair enough but it doesn't sound like it sounds like you're torn between whether or not you can actually feel and be queer and be a nice boy or if you should just like end it because you might have to end it but i don't think you might have to end it. He'll probably do something wrong. I think, yeah.

Like, you've got to, if you fancy him, you fancy him and you're going to go out with him. And people do find lovely partners at university, Elphabar and Fierro in Wicked. Tony and Sri Blair. And he's in, in real life, how many of them? Are you so young that you think Tony Blair is a fictional character?

Oh, you say Tony Blair? Tony Blair. Oh, I thought you said from Wicked. Yeah, before that. Yeah, Fiero and Elfair from Wicked. Tony and Tari Blare. From 10 down the screen. Did you say, did you?

In 1997. What did I? I cannot feel like. He's a young baby. Well, I just think all the, you uneducated, fuck. All the important things he did are actually quite unbelievable. So, you know.

Oh, sorry, sorry. I got too busy. I wanted to make, I wanted to make, I want to make a mother one. Yeah. I wanted to make it our best one, yeah. I wanted to make it all best one, yeah. I wanted to make it like a really good one.

Oh, we are, Ma. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Delete that, delete that, delete that, delete that. Dan, you have to not engage with her. She is fine. Yeah, she's fine, and she will do this if you engage, but you have to feel like you. I did hit her quite harder. Yeah, I did really go for that.

Oh, what I'm only for? Why would you hit her for you all? It was a high five. Oh, my God. Little. Remember that time you gave Stuart Goldsmith a dead leg on our podcast? Remember the time I faked, slapped Stuart Goldsmith on our podcast and he gave me a dead leg. Remember it correctly.

Was that the way, right? A hundred percent. Wow. You know, I'm sorry. I actually can't recover. Do you have a kind of surprise egg in your bag? Helen. I walk to a shop for you.

I know, V and I am coming right to you, but I've just been hurt. I've just been very badly hurt. And we are out of time. You know what? Do you have a free week day to take me to Thought Park once it reopened in the spring? Do you have a free week day to take me to Thorpe Park once it reopened to the spring? Let's get a date in now, I reckon. Helen, answer it be because of time to go.

I can't drive. Me neither, never mind, we'll ever get there. Be sure. I'll be relieved about that one later when I'm driving home. Helen is answering me. I can't drive. Answer the 18. I am.

I'm answering. I tried to high-five you and assaulted you. Of course I can't drive. Really badly. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. My hand has been attacked so much. Catherine,

I'm answering V because Catherine's in the gab. Imagine if I did something like that in a car. He's talking. I'm not talking. He's talking. Well done. Teachers Fivercone. Vee.

You found love. You're still queer. I know this is the thing. I know I've had friends who are bisexual who are going out with guys like talk about their feel like they're not part of the community. They're always talking about it. But they do. Maybe they are.

Maybe they are. They're like, you are still queer. And anyone who makes you feel like you're not, just like, fuck them. People who try and go like, you're not like that. You're actually like this or like blah, like they don't know you. They're just trying to like, whatever, put the narrative on you. It's not true. Just, just, fuck it, argue back.

You're 18. It's going to be hard to, but you'll figure it out. Just tell them, like, you don't actually know me. And then just walk away or give them a high five. Because that really is hurtful. And also, and also, good for you for you for getting a boy. friend like that's really cool yeah that is really cool that is good by the way yeah I'd never had one but I've had that problem started with a big old brag I was like okay

one weekend is well I got a boyfriend one week and I go into uni congratulations on animals I'm queer congrats I didn't go uni or ever get a boyfriend yeah so like V yeah seriously yeah get it very cool but I do have a lot of things that you don't have fee what no no we're not fully we're not Pulling the 18th century. No, no. Starting now. A green iPhone with a Lion King case. Wonderful memories of Disneyland, Paris, and Disney World.

Why have you never had a boyfriend, Helen? Helen, we've to wrap up the podcast, so we're just going to quickly. I want to wrap it up, but that was unfair to ask. Okay, well, if we're just going to check in with Dan. Dan, before you go, why have you never had a boyfriend? Oh, yeah. Well, I was actually going to say this to V, is that I had years of never having a boyfriend, or really having sex.

with any man for years and that did make me feel like I wasn't queer or I wasn't good enough at being queer I wasn't queer enough to be queer you know but then I think you realise that there's more to sexuality

than just sex yeah like how I dodged that question yeah you want to know why I've had another boyfriend I don't know what to tell you I don't really that's just because you asked Helen and I was joking but you made it actually

quite earnest and beautiful and that was really lovely Dan where can people see you where can they find you going on tour I don't know how quick you get these out, but... Stick up Justin Bieber's tour dates It'll be in February. Justin Viva.

Start of Feb. Feb, Feb March, a bit of April. I'm touring around the UK. This is your last show? Yeah, my most recent show. Not the one I haven't written yet. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Yeah, oh, sorry.

Stomp. Okay, so they can see you on tour and they can see you at the Edinburgh Fringe. At the Edinburgh Fringe. At the Edinburgh Fringe with this new show that will be good. Okay, I can't wait to see it. I'm already intrigued by the premise,

so actually you got me. and what where can they find you online at Dan Tinan I've bottled this Tin Comedian on Instagram or Dan Tinin

dot co.uk for tickets fabulous and we'll just tag down and everything because no one ever types it in yeah that's fair and if you do join that gay running club will you like that? Oh yeah I will I will I think you should I think you'd be great

scary as you think also like you want gay friends but do you want gay running friends yeah because then they'd be like me hi yeah oh god oh oh oh no no no not you but this they they do they hey just like maybe think of like hello it's your first time here is it that's all right you don't have to go oh oh how do you know i say that I was just being inclusive I think the best thing about being gay man is you can just go to the saunas isn't they have to run you can't take your clothes on it's not going to get a boyfriend or friend there yeah sure he can't is He's very charming. He's got a good chat. No, you'll get fucked, but you won't get like...

Okay, well, we'll take you out somewhere and figure out. All right, okay. I don't think we would be good wingmen. You could hang out with the boys I went to school with it. Actually, hang out with your exes. Helen's got a school reunion. Until you say yes. Give it up for Dan Tiernan, everybody.

Thanks for having me. You want me. Oh my God, no, he didn't. As ever, a huge science. Thank you to our executive producers. We genuinely couldn't make our podcast today. And we're so, so grateful, which is why we've set you up in the delightful executive lounge. You are, of course, Guy Goodman, Simon Moore's, Annie Turner, Stephanie Catrachia, Oliver Dago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, and Sadie Cashmore.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can I get you some olives? And let's give some more olives to our producers. Thank you so much. It's L. Richard Bold, Howard Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Clare Jones, Jess and Nick, Sarah and Molly, Ria Finke, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Wharf. Should not work out why I couldn't read it? It's because I didn't click on the image and have it big with all the names.

Abby Worf, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Liz, Fort, Taz, Anthony, Clow, Becky Fox, Dean, Michael Sophie Chivers, Carrie Sooth, Charlie, A, K, C, Jan, Raybird. Jam, Bird, even. Tamson Smith, Harding, Hannah J, Ezra Peregrin, Brin, Law. Laura Pollock, Leah Overeign, Stephen Chicken, Dougie Robertson, Haley Singer, Sarah Deakin. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, bye.