Trusty Hogs - Ep178. Stomping, Sub-letting & School Fundraisers

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

NEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah DeakinPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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and that'll be called grand supreme darling princess i'll be sharing clips leading up to it please interact with them please like and share and I really hope you enjoy the specials. Goodbye. Helen, I can't do the intro because I'm hung over. I'll do it. I'll do it. Will you?

Take care of me. Welcome to episode 178 of Trustee Hogs. My name is Helen Bauer. This is Catherine Bohart. We're comedians. We're performers. We're stars. And today we will be talking about our perfect lives.

And then we'll be reading out your problems to each other because it's just the two of us. And then we'll solve them and then we'll carry on with our days. And you'll be hungover and I'll have my period. 178 episodes. She got it. She did it. I could do that all along. I want to be clear.

I could do that all along. I was just pretending the entire time. That was honestly so reassuring and amazing. I find it so attractive. I was like, okay, Helen. I haven't got myself pumped up yet for the day. Well, it's a delight to meet you in this stage. For the trusty hogs

Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh

It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Okay I want to start with a big claim, but I'm going to say it. Natural wine is a fucking con. I went to, well, what's up con is it won't give you a hangover. I had three glasses, two of natural fizz, one of natural rosé.

And I was like, this taste like kombucha. I must not be able to get a hangover. I woke up this morning, 36 years old. I drank so much water. I woke up and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I feel like my head is going to explode. I got an Uber here, which I never do. When you message me. Easily achievable on public transport. Saying I'm in the Uber. I was like, okay, either she's like feeling incredibly bougie for no real reason, or she's like got a plate, which you would never admit or unwell. But I was texting you this morning at 725. I, I wasn't a plate. Oh yeah, but maybe you'll just do one of your exercise classes. No, no, no, I was up. I just was like trying to form sentences. You've been trying for three hours already.

Yeah. Yeah. This is, we're in. You know what I mean? It's crazy. I'm Googling natural wines. I want to see what's because they do taste like kombucha and then it was everyone's like well you won't get a hang over and i was like oh my god helen i went to a gay bar last night which one which one like i know i went to la camoniera the one i know yes which by the way has singles nights on a tuesday now which looks so fun but i can't go because that's not my space but um thursday we went and um me and my friend and we went for a couple of drinks and some lovely smoked almonds and they taste like bacon they're like all hickory and delicious oh so good it's crazy how good a smoked almond is so good covered in that lovely salt it was divine how in our 30s the way right oh my god I know when I tell you we had olives as well

of course we did seeded or with nice with pips we're grown up big big uh gorgeous they were just nocerella they were divine anyway all of which is to say I get into this bar and I was listening to my friend like she was telling me her she's had like a breakup recently we haven't seen each other in a while we were having a chat and I was like I I'm into this conversation. Like, I love this person and I want to hear the story she's telling me. Yeah. And also I sat with my back to the wall so I could see every lesbian interaction in this bar that was happening.

It's a very small bar. So you're like in a room and you can see everyone. And some sort of 16 year old lesbian brain took over. And A, I was like, oh, the girls are kissing. And B, I was like, I know truly. And B, I was like, the level of intrigue in this room was off the chart. It was off the chart. I still can't get me like

oh my God the girls are getting like I know I was like like double taking like what oh like everywhere more like yeah go girls woo hoo yeah

you know we're safe there kind of thing energy the tanned on double time the like the I can't believe this exists I was raised in Ireland there was no lesbian bar like 20 years ago

I was so excited my teenage self was like but that was so yes the turned on double take and then but also it was like one of those bars where like and I want to like make sure everyone feels safe to have a good time and not be like talked about on a podcast but it was like there was like an age gap dynamic at one table I was like how have they met it was so hot the table beside me the three of them were together I was like I can't not be intrigued by this the table beside me were in some way connected to the age gap table but it wasn't clear how what was the dynamic there they were all like giving sexy but then I had like sleek ponytail so I was convinced confused. Then there was a table over the other side where I was like, is this a football night out? What's happening here? Then there were two random men who weren't together and didn't seem

uncomfortable, but I was like, if I was a man in this room, I'd be like, I shouldn't be. Which, I mean, they're welcome. I get, whatever. Maybe they're educating themselves. They weren't even doing what I was doing. I was the pervert being like, ah, tourism, tourism, tourism. They were just like having conversation so I was the uncivilised guy and it was just so glorious but then halfway through the night age gap table and they probably wouldn't like me calling them that join sleek ponytail table fun and they're like Catherine Beauxhart we love you and I was like oh my god I have just been staring open-mouthed agape at these tables trying to figure like how they know each other who's kissing who what the vibe is obviously I'd had three

rewinds by the time they acknowledged me so I was like what's going on over here I've been watching your table and they weren't giving me the gossip because they're normal women um but it was a very big night for me is what I'm saying and what I've realized is I don't thought you recognize them honestly I was behaving as such and what I realized was I have to get out more no I think I was behaving like a person who who like lives in a bunker like I was behaving like a person who hasn't gone out and never been in the world I was like wow I I got to go out at least once a month before I become this woman who's like, talk with the lesbians over there.

Like, it was too much. Do you forget about people clubbing sometimes? Oh, God, I'm not going to a club. No, but like, I just forget about it as a concept where the clubs are still happening. That's none of my business. That's nothing to do with me. But sometimes you're like on like a late train or a late bus coming back from like dinner at a friend's house or a gig.

And you're like, oh my God, you've been underground sweating to Katie Perry. only assume. Or you're going out. You're going out? I was coming home from, coming home from the store. So a late night gig, coming home,

ran into one of the assistants from my agents. She was all fun and I'd out. I was like, it's the middle of the night, girl. What are you talking with? Yeah, iconic. But yeah, it's still happening, I think.

Do you have a look at them and just sort of go like, it's all right. Like, ill end. The trainers are coming soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you worry. You'll get yourself into a lovely

comfy pair of reliable shoes. minute, oh, you'll have a thick soul. Particularly the ones who are like 25, you want to sort of grab them and go, like, your friends are pretending to. Yeah. They don't like it anymore either. Everyone's doing the dance for each other. Yeah.

You're allowed to just go to a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's okay. You don't have to pretend you've got a cold. No. Tites are fine. Tites were always fine.

You say that, but in Ireland's doing. Tites were always fine. The game in Ireland was pretend it's not bowl. to. Yeah. Yes. In a way where you were like, but I can see my breath. But it also felt like a money saver because it's like I know if I've got to go to the cloak room that that's my opportunity to get off with someone. So I'm not doing it because that's two pounds. Yeah. And my opportunity to make out of the guy's probably got snot coming out of his nose gone. And that means my life is over. Also, why would I bring my own coat when whether or not a man gives me his coat will be attested whether or not I'm a real human. Bit of fun. I used to hate that because they would never fit me. I'm like, I did a bit about it in my first show actually You needed a guy with a cloak But they 100% needed a guy with a cloak

There aren't enough men with cloaks out in the club Girls wearing these little jackets With their like long sleeves And I would just sort of be like Oh, I'm no Hello And then like ripping out of the bag And like pulling it on

It's a shame It's not a good look It's unfortunate I yeah And also those little jackets didn't help us We had no tights on our legs We were freezing Did you ever go clubbing in London? Yeah, I did, unfortunately, I did.

G-A-Y, of course. Which one? The one by Embankment, or the one in Soho? The one in Soho. Okay. Down to the Clunge Dungeon, two, because all the lesbians are in the basement. First night I went there,

I saw an ex-girlfriend who didn't even live in the country. I was like, how are you here? Why are you? Because everyone, I used to go G-A-Y. An American ex. Like, I was like, what are you, how do you, what the one time, are you fucking,

And, oh, God. And so I was like, I'll just style it out. I'll go over and say hi. And she did not acknowledge my existence. I was like, hi. And we were like 22. So she just like turned away. And I was like, amazing.

Yes, I'll just be three people over there. Like, did you ever stumble into the dude's rooms? Yeah, of course. Yeah. And when you say stumble, I mean, I like walked in and was like, hi, hi, boys. And they'd be like, no, no. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I wasn't being ushered out of rooms so much. I'm like, I love Lady Gaga. And they'd be like, okay, honey, okay, sweetheart, put your vagina away. And I'm like, ah, hey boys. Yeah, no, very tiring. I did it once in a club in Berlin off my tits, like definitely some pill. And was like, like, you know when you're just like, we all love each other and the world's amazing. What even is a body, your body, my body, his body, it could be anybody.

And you're like, no, it really specifically couldn't be your body. tits off like it's a beautiful night and like Rihanna's playing and I'm like oh my god I do shine bright like a diamond I am the only girl in the world yeah and it's believable when you're in a dark room for gay men so believable wow I was like oh go downstairs what was the next floor like and I went downstairs and it was just like naked bodies and I was like amazing we have to celebrate the form and like ripped off my litter and I was like it was just all like 50 year old german men and they very sweetly laid me back popped my leotard back together the first time a man gave you his coat in a club there was

everyone gave you their coat all the game made me that got cups like no it's okay you can come with that lay up here up sweetheart and they literally just went and popped me back upstairs wow you know what nothing but respect i love you guys I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry You sound like me on three wines in a lesbian bar being like, everyone's doing amazing. What, how did you guys meet? You're gorgeous. Why does one of your eyes start twitching after three wines? Yeah, honestly, after one, after one.

Truly after one. Yeah, so that's what's going on. I can't drink anymore either. It's pathetic because I also haven't really been drinking because, as you know. Yeah, it doesn't help my joints at all. But also, as you know, I am, well, in four weeks, I'm going away. for 10 weeks which I can't I think I just accepted a little bit mentally and so I was like I've got to stop drinking because I have so much to do in those four weeks I can't have a day off like I really need

I need I don't think it clicked to me I was like yeah yeah I signed this contract for this acting job and was like yeah yeah 10 weeks yeah but then someone's like okay so you're going to be away for 10 weeks and you're like yeah but I'll come back loads right and they're like but you are aren't not really weekends well if I want to come back on weekends I can only come back on Saturday morning and have to go back on Sunday night and it's a four hour of flight. And I have to pay for myself to come back. So it's kind of like, not really. Yeah. I didn't realize that either did I. It was just that short of a weekend. In my head, I was like, I'll come back Thursdays. I'll go back Monday. That's what I thought. Which is totally understandable. They're like, well, we're obviously

paying you for the week. So no. And I was like, and that makes sense. And also for the planet. And also, yeah, no, exactly. For Greta. That's why she's doing it. No, I do think that's right. but I was like oh so I'm filming for 10 weeks but I am like what will I be doing I wonder I'm so bad of being alone filming actually that's not true no the cast you have the whole cast with you but it's funny isn't it I love to be alone when I feel like I can't be so like I love when the house is to myself I love being like I'll happily stay in for weeks on end but I think there's something about like being in a hotel room that feels so like like like hello am I in the world but I think it'll be exciting and you're right the cast I'm

hoping it'll have a summer camp vibe for sure and by week three I'll be like oh I cannot go out again I just need to be alone um no it'll be it'll be so fun it's gonna be so amazing and also I love to be by the sea I assume the sea will be near I can only hope but it's so interesting because I feel like this is going to be the first time in ages where unlike you I've literally done the only like on a on a professional set I've only ever spent half a day juice yeah well you're very good thank you darling but my point being like

everything is going to be so overwhelming to me like I'm learning already like every email that comes to her I'm like can we explain what this acronym is oh my God I remember the first acting stuff they got just like Google Central genuinely it's confusing everyone's like gonna send over your TMO by PM

and you're like wicked what is that I don't know still at all fair it's a time of the month No, it's like a talent tracking moving order or something. It's like... Talent moving order? It's like very... I can't remember what I googled it, but I was like,

huh? Like what? You should prepare for it by... I'm literally just saying this. Well, I'm thinking I should do this as well. But there's an episode of the comeback season two where like Valerie Cherish loses it on set in the desert. Do you remember this bit?

I've only seen... I'm only watching for the first time at the moment. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. I'm watching for the first time I'm on episode eight of series one. Never mind. I won't tell you.

I won't tell you. Would I learn a lot about acting? A hundred. I feel like season one you do learn a lot, but it's sitcom and it's also like Paulie G is such an asshole of a writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like just navigating that world.

Yeah. But like it's so good because it is a little bit accurate. Yeah. Oh my God, totally. Not that I've ever worked for anyone bad and everything's always amazing. Oh my God, same. No problems here.

Being a woman in the entertainment industry is heaven. I think this is going to be so fun being in our acting era. Yeah, and also being, like, I'm actually quite excited to not know anything. Like, part of me is like, you did an M.A. in film acting. You will know. I don't mean the acting part, so much is the, like, set part. Like, I don't know what anything means or who anyone is or what they all do. And I feel like... I'll tell you. I... And also, my M.A. in acting, I feel like it prepared me to audition. I don't think it prepared me to be on set, which is fine. Like, I'm really excited. But it's, but I'm quite excited to not know stuff like I feel like sometimes with comedy you know it's a bit like oh I have to

go do this again even though it's like a great gig and it's like I just have done it all not at all but I've done a lot of it and it's nice to be like what is this how new yeah exciting yeah I'm so I'm and again I think like 16 year old me would be like you went to a lesbian foreign A of an acting job this is sick so I'm trying to embrace that but my OCD self is like who's going to manage the house while I'm out of the house for ten weeks. No one. And that is wonderful. Yeah I know. But obviously my body is like my asshole is clenched. Do you not just hire your cleaner to do it

the day before you get back? Oh no but also like it will be fine. It will be fine but like just so you can come back to like as nice of an environment. Oh but they'll get her I'm sure but also she'll be there the whole time but it's more like it's more like she's I'm leaving her my room. No but I feel like ultimately I would if you were like Ellen you're staying with Charlie the cleaners in my room I've let out my room to the cleaner she lives here now no I feel like obviously the girls will

and Charlie Clive is away the same time I'm away so it's just going to be Ellen and Olivia and Serena there and they will take perfect care of it because they're adult women but it's just my OCD brain that's like I love to touch my trinkets I just love to touch my trinkets so much on a daily basis I like to check that my trinkets are in the right place I get it I get it so maybe it's good it's good for me I think it is

and I think also you will you'll be working and oh god what was it I read the other day that like 96% of things people worry about never happen

so it's just sort of like just let it go and obviously then immediately your brain goes well what about the 4% no mine is actually like fuck I waste a lot of time it's just

it's not gonna happen like and if there is something spills there it gets cleaned up it's really truly to be clear my OCD is not a rational thing it's like

this is what I'm saying but we spend so much time in life I'm the same like just like thinking about I mean I've been so worried the last couple of weeks about it oh is that going to be good or am I going to like be able to get that done or am I and if I do manage to get those done then I'm being a bad friend or a bad daughter

or a bad sister and I'm just like it's okay take a breath take make some room for that fucking stress and then like you feel the stress inside you and you just breathe around it and just give it some space to be like no one cares no one cares and also like Do you know what, it reminds, what is actually, I care. No, but what you're making me realize about, like, as well as, I was just thinking back as you're talking to how when you're in Australia on, on, like, at Melbourne Comedy Festival or Sydney, you're never thinking like, where are the coasters in my house?

No. Because, in fact, I kind of couldn't conceive of English life when I was in Australia. I was just like, I live here now. Yeah, because of the toilet thing. When the toilets turn the other way, it's hard to remember the toilets turn. sort of like, what's that thing called, like, cognitive, not cognitive dissonance, but like, sort of object permanence. Thank you. Yes. Where I, people would be emailing me when I was an Australian. I'd be like, so funny, Catherine has emails, but I was not Catherine when I was in Australia.

I was like, so I'm sure it'll be the same. I'll have a Tenerife personality. And I'm hoping, I'm hoping it's beach. I'd like to be beach. I'd like to be full. I'd like to be my Ken era. I really want my personality to be beach. Yeah, I think it's going to be wicked. Also, I'm I'm wondering what the, I think I will do a little bit of like Instagram stories just to find out like, because I'll let people know, like, I have so many questions and I wonder if other people will, but like, are you allowed in the sun if you're acting? Are you allowed to get freckles? Are you allowed to get tan? Are you allowed to wet your hair? Um, when do you eat? Does anybody tell you? When do you eat on set? Uh, they usually have like constant snacks in your trailer and then there's a breakfast lunch and dinner. And then I think in the UK, there's a new thing that came in. Last night was almost called like, um, a five o'clock is. Um, a five o'clock is. It's like an afternoon snack if you're not staying for full dinner and it has to be hot and it's called hot in hand

and it made me laugh so much. That's so funny. Everyone got that hot at hand because then you can go home and have dinner. But every like I mean my experience is not I'm going into my first regular role

yeah same time as you so I have not been a long time on set but I don't know what the rules will be in Tenerife I hope you get hot in hand though me too. It's usually a sausage roll

or a hot bit of keats. Yum. I'd like that. I'd like that. Do you know what I would take your own like, I mean there's so many snacks around but just like I prefer to like have some of my own stuff. I think that's me. I just like to know what that there is food always.

But also stuff that you know that will like make you feel good and like, go you up in the way that you want. Yeah. Like you can you. It's your space in the trailer or whatever dressing room. Yeah. Ellen did a film once with an actor who like was like I try to eat the same thing every day just so I know how I'm going to feel. And I was like, whoa, that's commitment. That's too far. That's a commitment that I don't have

because I'll be like, yes, I'll totally do that. And then the catering will make mac and cheese. And I'll be like, I want mac and cheese. Yeah, 100%. How am I seeing you today? I think I'm just coping. The same thing every day. It's commitment, right? That's like, that's like a diligent, like, disciplined actor. It reminds me of like, there's this woman I've been seeing on Instagram and she just like, unloads her weekly shop. She's like, I want her. She's old. I want her. She's like, 85. and her weekly shop is like so much like mine and sneals

it's devastating she's always got ham, tomatoes beans rich tea hubnubs she's always got a little bit of

fries peppermint chocolate I want to live at her house that sounds nice like her drink and it's squash but she still calls her drink I love her

I want her on my algorithm okay I'll send you her please I'm getting a lot of yesterday I got I got into a wormhole of granddads who are functioning as primary caregivers for their grandchildren. Holy fuck.

It was so beautiful. It was so beautiful brushing their hair. I'm weeping. I'm weeping. It's honestly so cute. Cooking together. Ah. I like them watching the telly on each of their laps.

Well, mainly the kid on the dad. You get it, granddad's laugh. It was just like so moving. And then when I was hung over this morning and I was trying to put my makeup on. the radio comes on I love how I'm not hung over a bit like I still don't know you understand that you're not oh no but you know you do it because you're like I need to I'm so pink because the alcohol still like in my system that I needed to cut anyway I'm not joking you are glowing thank you darling no no no I'm not that's not a compliment that is like a you're so glowing

I dislike that for you right now thank you thank you thank you oh thank you I'm saying much. Back off. Well, I also put it on because I'm having one of those days where I left the house at eight and I'm out till 10. So I was like, I know it's criminal. Why can't you go home before giggy? Because I have to go to, I'm going to see a space to see if it's right to fill my special in.

Play? You just tell me where afterwards. And then I'm writing in 10 because I have to, I basically don't have time to go home, go to our venue and then before my gig, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But, God, I'm talking loads today. Yeah. Is that okay?

It's a podcast. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. yeah yeah sorry I hope we would fucking hell

oh wait sorry am I talking yeah we're supposed to it's our fucking job so much of Sophie Hagan's episode when we were like you want some chocolate and they're like no I'm at work right now

and be like yeah wicked that makes total sense and when you put it like that but what was I saying oh the makeup the radio came on and this morning the news I don't know if I mean no one's gonna know what date this is

but they were talking about I'll tell them Friday the 7th of March and it's currently 9.45 a.m. They were bringing in this new thing in schools in the UK or in England. They've just tested pilot schemes in Scotland and Wales where they're teaching all two to five-year-olds in class in deprived areas how to brush their teeth. And I don't know whether or not that's like, and apparently it's very effective and whether or not it's necessary. I don't know about the policy. But what I know is this, they interviewed two to five-year-olds on the radio this morning. and the question was

why do we brush our teeth and it was like little kids and little Scottish accents being like to make our teeth shine because brushing your teeth is very cool and I was like

what accent is that but I was like oh my god they were just like to make our teeth healthy because it's actually really cool to brush your teeth and I was trying to put my mascara on while like fully tearing up

and Ellen was like are you crying and I was like to make our teeth shiny but also every school get someone coming in to teach them how to brush that teeth i didn't have that in my school we had that i remember an infant school like they came in and i remember because we got taught like if you're doing this you're doing it wrong oh gosh because it's like you don't want to go side to side because you're just pushing dirt around you want to go round and round in each tooth to allow the dirt out no we never had that and um so you guys don't know in ireland no i still i've still i've still yet to brush my teeth

I'm hoping the classes come to, like, open university and I can take the course. And we all got like a free little tube of toothpaste. No, we didn't get any of that. That's awful. Oh, no, it's fine. Well, shout out Heatherside infants. Good for you guys. Good for you guys for getting in the Colgate, bea.

But yeah, it was really sweet and I just thought it was so, and these kids were so cute. But anyway, that's when I was really like, oh, I am hungover because I was like fully crying at the toothbrush stuff. I don't know. I think I'd cry at that. Do you think? Either way. That's really kind of you to say. I mean, I'm just emotional.

You are on your period. I know, but I have. feel like I'm just emotional, do you know? Tis the season. I had to go on a, a stomp the other day. To get all the feelings out? Like actively, like, message my friend to be like, can, can you stomp with me? It works, doesn't it? It did. It did. We definitely scared a man on his teeth. I messaged Gwyneth and I was like, I'm just like, a bit stressed at the moment. I don't know what's wrong with me. Like, nothing's, nothing's happened. I'm just mad. And we were like, okay, cool, let's stomp it out. She was like, I'm there. I'm here for this. and we started stomping

but then we got like two into it were you marching oh my God we must have looked like fucking and we already look weird because she's like five foot two and I'm six foot 100 and like just so angry and then we're like

and what's the worst thing when someone says we're a good person because we're not we're bad people okay if two women stomped up behind me shouting that I'd be like oh my God I'd be terrified

That's so fun And then we got lost Then we realised We'd walked across the entire Of Hampstead Heath Tell me one person Who's ever walked the Heath And not got lost

And you're lying You're lying There's always a moment Of abject panic Where you're like We live here We're lost We're never gonna

We've not seen a person In 20 minutes We're never Oh there's a cafe There's notes Lovely we're alive Also because it's the only Place you can stomp in London

Because it's like Everywhere else in London Like you hit the road So quickly That you don't And like The point of stomping is you're not looking at a map. You just have to go.

Wow, I really agree. So we were just stomping, stomping, and we were like made it to the other side. And we were like, holy shit, that was a stomp. Women do not have enough ways to deal with their feelings, huh? Honestly, I remember when I was 23, I had my heartbroken for the first time. And I really wanted to scream, but we couldn't figure out where I were exfee and my friend. So I went to Tooting Leisure Center and screamed underwater. Oh my God.

That's so specific. Well, I was living and tooting at the time. That makes way more sense. I was like, we're... Wow, that's amazing. It was, and then it was on an episode of Super Size versus Super Skinny, a Tooting Leisure Centre, and I was like, oh my God, I'm on TV. Shout out the Scream Center.

It's really... Because there's nowhere else to scream. No, and you know a city hasn't constructed itself around feelings when there have to be things like rage rooms. You're like, okay. We shouldn't have to pay in to be furious. But I would quite like to do one of those one time. When was the last time we had a stomp?

A stomp in a rade room? I have a stomp out almost every day. That's the only way I deal with my feelings. I do like... That's your run. I start every day with either a run or a walk. Most days. Yeah, not today.

No, not when I have... That'll be mental. If I have to be anywhere by 10, that's out of the house, I won't get time. But generally speaking by 8, I'm in a park stomping. People know where I live... Oh, God, we've got to stop. Yeah, telling people where we live. But yeah, I'm out there stomping.

I get it. It's just, I think it's more about, like, anxiety. It just shakes out some of the, like, worried tension in my body. But, yeah, you got to have ways. You got to have ways. And then you breathe through it. I've been thinking lately, I used to do martial arts, as you know, as a kid. And I'm thinking, like, I try to find a local, I think it's good.

Kind of, yeah. I think it might be good for me to like get a bit out. They'll definitely be dojoes in your area. Do you think? Your area is like built around adults. I was going to say I don't. Oh yeah. Or child free experiences.

Yeah. It's true. It's true. I was very like I don't want to like a dojo run by like an annoying white man. But actually that's exactly what I did when I was kid. He used to speak Irish whilst being called Sensei. And it was so good. It was actually really good for my mental health.

So why not? Should we do some problems? Should we? I think we should. Okay. Okay, okay, we'll do some problems. Yeah, we'll do some problems. Let's do it.

We love it. Do you want to read the first one? I will. I forgot that I was Googling natural wines. What is it? It's just kombucha with alcohol, I think. It's like fortified. This is the thing.

Could you please write into us? Of fact, can you comment under this video on YouTube and let us know which natural wines don't give you a hangover? Because I'm yet to find the one as well. But I failed to believe that that many women have lied to me. about it and not giving them a hangover. So there is a natural wine that works. Are joking?

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month trial period at Shopify.com slash retail, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash retail to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash retail. Women, they lie about consumption all the time. No, they don't. I love women. And the amount of women who've said to me like, I love with it. I'm so full after soup. I actually just like I who said that? I don't really get hungry in the evenings who said that women women have said these things to me I just don't really get hungry in the evenings fuck all if you get full after soup you can keep that to yourself do you know what I just I think it might be a bit like the soup thing but we never need to know when you're hungry or full I personally have no interest in your hungerfulness cues yeah I'm interested in mine and you will hear about

mine because my journey is fascinating but yours are incredibly dull that's how you feel about depression and you know what and also for um petite women i don't care if you're cold if you're not wearing thermals and putting the effort in it's not endearing to me or anyone else yeah if you're chilly wear appropriate clothing it's not fascinating say we who put our every thought on the internet i'm sorry i'm sorry I'm sorry Catherine but I have to draw the line I know it's like spring sprung so it's getting better now but I cannot hear another petite woman go like I'm just always cold

what are you wearing? Yeah have you gone to Eminus? Yeah go get some thermals wear a hat I also do I run so hot because of my um like I don't know I've always been a warm sweaty little gal and then antidepressants on top of that just really lend themselves to a combo but um yeah

I don't know why I can't find these problems I keep going on different messages Do you want me to get one? I found it now I just you know when you're just like I was just opening like all my unread messages And I was like A little bit

Helen is Heidi Regan and Alison Spittal Hey girls Hey girls Oh cute group We're we're the group For Edinburgh Yeah I am I had my first Edinburgh dream last night

Oh my God like a stress dream It wasn't that stressful actually Mine are always I got I've got to go on And I don't have a show I had that one, my first, my debut year. Or I'm late for my show. I'm late for my show and I'm running, running, running,

which only ever happened to me once in Edinburgh when I got locked into my accommodation. I remember this so clear. I had to climb out a window. Fucking hell. And I just leg it, literally like leg it onto stage while I got into the room, putting my bag down beside Nish Kumar, who was scream laughing because I was late.

He's got a good scream laugh. He has such a good scream laugh. Wait, what was the problem I was going to read? Yeah, I do. Kay. You were going to do... Yeah, I was going to do Kay. Helen Ann, what's wrong with me?

No, I want to do it. Okay. It's, it's, it's, um, I'm trying my best. Okay. Oh, I know you are. I'm really warm. So I'm going to take off my jacket. Thank you for saying that.

Wow. No, I needed to hear that. I'm sweating. Yeah. Do you know why? Because the world is warming up. Yeah. That's actually famous.

And somehow you get in Chile. It's famously true. The world's getting warmer. Okay. My love, I'm ready for you. I think it's because I giggged and ball on the last two nights as well. Okay. That's where this tension's coming from.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. it was like it was yeah in my head it's just a bunch of girls shivering while you're on stage and they're all really nice and they're my crowd I don't know what is wrong with me

but like that was just each night the first was a PTA by shattering teeth chattering teeth wait 100% no sorry I do want to get to the problems

but you have to tell me about the PTA because didn't you do a gig for your cousins kids school 100% tell me everything I am cousins kids auntie second cousin

whatever I am of the year. You really are. I did a gig at their school and I it was so fun but I cannot tell you how much it was like cosplaying an episode of Motherland or Amandaland.

I was like... I thought it might be. But you like, I knew those shows were good. I love Motherland. I love Amanda Land. They're so accurate. It's spooky. But like you're like I think this is accurate you know, like you're basing off you being the

do you know what I mean? I'm not in it. I'm not in it. And then going to a PTA comedy and courage night in SW12 I was like oh my god yeah this is incredible well my school was like such I remember like it was such a I mean obviously very different culturally like very specifically like posturing at wealth but also posturing at like religion posturing at like good motherhood like but it was like keeping up appearances on speed it was like everyone was doing everything for everyone else yeah um I yeah I feel like I like my auntie burney used to pick us up and smoke in her car and I remember that being like notable you know like it would like people would be like who's that kind of thing oh my god and um and she was a badass and she had a cool old red car but like she didn't give a fuck and that was so wicked it's so weird but the school did wow the school did people are awful it was nice being back in a primary school with all the like the teams like this is the

school protection team and there was like one year three girl who was in every single team and I was like pop off coin yes girl yeah made every team yes but my relatives not on the board yet sadly she will make it she's very little still but I was like where is she where is she to my cousin my cousin was like she's not she hasn't made a team she hasn't made a team she hasn't made a team she hasn't made a team but she will because she is going to be a super store I have no dash when she I was out her anger issues. Hey girl, relatable content. Hi, Sophie. Hi, Sophie. Hi, Sophie. Hi, Cousin Sophie. I will say before I went on, though,

I could just see my cousin surrounded by all her mum friends and she was just like, I could see her like breathing like quite shallowly. And I could see her from like, did you wave to her from safe? And I wait, well, I waved before I went on. And she went, mm-hmm. And I was like, and then she came out on the back and I went, you snubbed me. And she went, no, I didn't. And I was like, you fucking did. And I was like, you fucking did. You're shouting because you did. But also, it's a risk, right, to, like, have your cousin do the PTA. And I walked on and, obviously, immediately panic started gobbling the dad's cocks.

It was like a joke. I was like, what's wrong with me? Oh, gobble, gobble, and they were like, no, no, no, no. Totally normal stuff for a school fundraiser. I don't see the issue. It was 18 plus. Come on, that's fine. Did you shout out your cousin from stage?

Immediately. Of course. Of course, it's so hard not to. It's so hard not to. Because I was doing it with other comedians whose kid is at the school. Yeah, of course. And they, super, super lovely. I just don't know whether they'd want me to say.

Here they are. But they were obviously super stressed because it's like doing, they're running an event where they're going to see the parents, the playground the next morning. Whereas for me, I'm not going to that playground. It's my cousin's problem. You also just shouldn't. Don't start showing up there.

Don't start showing up there. No, until my god's son starts going there. No, don't just start. Oh, go pick up him. Yeah, but only like if that's what you're doing. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, I think that's right. But yeah, they were stressed and I had a lovely time.

And I got a Coke Zero. Nice. This is a nice thing. Right, are you ready? Helen, I have a problem for us. Okay, Catherine's going to read the problem because I cannot find one. This is from G. Hi, G.

Hi, G. Hi, Hugs. Love the pod. Thank you, G. Thank you. I've got a bit of an odd one. Don't you all, G, G, don't you all? Here we go. I, 23 male, have just moved in with my partner of two years, 22 male.

Cute. And I am the main earner whilst he is trying to establish himself as a writer. Lash. I support him entirely, but there's been some tension where I am the sole income for our house. Yeah. There's going to be, right? Mainly in that when we do the weekly shop, I will sometimes say no to things that he suggests. Treats, decor things, bits.

We don't need. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I'm picturing my own supermarket and two guys in the habitat aisle of Sainsbury's arguing over Yankee candles. I'm so sorry. And he's recently said that he feels like a child

when I say no, the way I do in the shop. I've tried to be more reasonable, explaining, but it still causes some minor tension when I take things out of the trolley. I get it because he's an autonomous adult and wants to just live. however we want but it is my money as much as it's for the household and also we really don't need what he suggests any advice or thoughts you and I both have strong thoughts I feel sick I feel sick

just reading it that's so stressful I felt a bit ill reading it that was like first of all gee thank you for writing that and I thought it was really like carefully put and conscious and like a good think to be thinking about and like I think a lot of 23 year olds don't have to think about so um what are your thoughts helenbauer it's a really difficult one because I understand the tension on both sides but as someone who's not had a relationship I still think it's your money and I think you have a right to say that's not how I care to spend it I think if you're already supporting them. Entirely.

Are they entirely, entirely? Yeah, it's hard. You have to set that boundary, but if it's still tense, it's because they haven't accepted. That's how you feel. But I think there's just no way this isn't going to lead to more arguments.

There's just no way that this, like, doesn't lead to you being like, well, if you want to have those things and you have to get a job. And then you've just, the romantic balance has changed, because it does become a bit like person telling another person what to do. But I think it's clear when your fear is telling them what they can and can't have and what they can and can't do.

But I think it's important to remember in the situation that by them being like, no, I want that, they are telling you what you can and can't do. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I feel like there are some things that are worth considering here. Go on. I think G said that they don't like how they say no, that it seems itself to make the partner feel like a child.

So we can definitely examine how you're saying no and genuinely ask the partner how would be best to do that in person. It also makes me think that maybe you guys should do online shopping because in a shop you're more likely to pick up stuff that you don't need just because it's there. Maybe they live on the moors and there's no delivery. I know, but if you can online shop, it might be easier to have that discussion in a less like kind of visceral way than in the shops.

Yeah, not in Tesco. Yeah. The other thing to say, and these are two things, you have two options, right? You either need to decide that you are facilitating both of your lives while your partner becomes a writer, in which case, maybe it would be useful to involve your partner in the budgeting of your lives, even though it's your money, early doors, like if you're like, hey, here's how much money we have a month, here's how much money we should spend on groceries, do you agree looking at all the finances because we do obviously have to pay for our rent and pay for like

so if this is our budget our budget then maybe they will be more mindful in the shop whereas if it's like you're doing all the budgeting because it's all your money and then you have to end up being like no no each time so maybe you'd make them feel more autonomous to be involved earlier in the stages and they'd understand your calls in the shop question mark but if I'm totally honest my my real honest reaction is you're 23 your partner's 22 you are going to end up fighting about this constantly you're also not their parent and aren't responsible for them and it's going to get really unsexy really fast and I'm sorry but I I and Helen have both become writers like a stand-up as a form of writing and that is our job and my partner's a writer and for all the time that we

couldn't afford to pay our rent. We all had jobs. But so, yeah, I made rent by either living illegally until I was, until I was 27, I didn't have a proper rent. So I was just like in cupboards and bedrooms, sublets, wherever. But also, but this is when I'm like, oh my God, I feel like, I feel the, um, that conservative Hampshire girlie bubbling out of me. Get a job. But get a part-time job. Like, if you are in a privileged position where your partner will take care of you mostly get a part-time job and then pay proportionate to your income i've always done this with my partners if if i make have you oh yeah well like i know friends that have at a certain stage of of like commitment yes like of course because i like i i can't be like i'm a socialist and then be

like we're we're splitting everything half and half even though we don't make the same amount of money that's ridiculous to me because it then it's proportionate wise costing us the same if we pay proportionate to our income it's like the same percentage of our income hope So that makes sense to me. But your partner should have a part-time job and then you can, because it's not like they can't, it doesn't sound like they can't work. It just sounds like they're opting not to.

But you can write around a part-time job. I've written around full-time job. I think it, okay, this is going to sound crazy. This is conservativeism. I know what you're going to say. I think sometimes when I was, so the last year of me working, I was like between part-time and full-time.

I wasn't on like, I was on a zero-hour contract at that point. but like would just work as much as I could like I personally find it very hard sometimes when I've got nothing if I would just had to write I don't know how you would do it and I remember this is yeah this is what I'm going to start getting really judging fucking comedians here we go when you first start doing stand-up comedy there's this big thing about like being a full-time comedian that's like one of the steps we've got like are you full-time are you a full-time comedian yet the amount of comedians who when I first gigged in London introduced themselves as full-time comedians

and I was like, oh my God, I can't really they're at this open mic. It's because they've never fucking worked because their parents bought them a flat or they live at home which is an insane privilege to have a family home in London and then they'd be like man ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-and then they would get less fucking done in the day. If you're never paying rent, we're not in the same, if you've never paid rent, you don't understand the wallet or, yeah. They wouldn't get as much.

They actually, a lot of them have dropped off because they just weren't getting that much done in the day because they didn't have to do anything. So, like, I used to get, I still get the most written when I'm running on my way to a preview or, like, feel like I can't get something in. And I'm fucking, I'm now full-time.

Took me six years longer than a lot of them. I do think when you have a limited window to get shit done, you get it done. And when you have endless amount of time. Get a job! Well, I do think they should. I'm sorry, I think they should. because I also, but also I think I'm sorry, like, this isn't fair on you.

Work in the shop and then you get discount on the things that you want in the shop. But also I'm just like, I do genuinely think like, why is it your job? You can support them emotionally and support them somewhat financially. But love doesn't have to mean like caretaking in that extreme away. Not that young of an age. Or that extreme away. That's so extreme. Like, to be like, I'm not going to have a job.

It's really extreme. Also, you've got a job. You're working hard. And like, I understand, this thing, I understand you want to spend money on the person you love. And I get that. But like, what's the,

what's the long game with that? There's no way that, and this maybe says more about my personality than someone else, but there's no way that, like, bitterness. Exactly. Doesn't come into that at some point.

That's not about your personality. That's totally normal. I think you're setting your relationship up for failure if they don't get a job. job. That's genuinely what I think. And I also think like, they have to work in the shop. They go shopping. That would be a cute move. But also genuinely, like, you get lots of really good ideas when you're doing a part-time job and then you run home to write them and it's great. And like, don't write about working on the supermarket that has been done a couple of times now.

I think there's a balancing act, right? On the one hand, I don't think I'm very creative when I'm desperately in need. Like, truly, when I'm worrying constantly, like when I'm losing sleep over money, it's really hard to be creative because you're like, every idea has to be the idea. because I can't waste any time because I need this to work out. Okay, I'm so the opposite. No, no, no, that's, like, I think, like, if you're, like, petrified,

it's really hard to be creative because you're paralysed by fear sometimes. But if you are, like, if you have an appropriate amount of need, like, I needed comedy to work because I had to be, like, I couldn't waste my time because it ultimately had to become my job.

If I was going to do it, I couldn't, like, kick about for a while. I was like, this is taking up every evening. I need to make me. money in some way and so like I think that need fueled me to get better faster yeah and I'm not saying like that that's necessarily that that just did for me it made me it made me make sacrifices and move in very specific professional ways I think like thinking about what I was going to do and why because I needed it to work needed to earn my living is the thing your 22 year old

partner isn't for money clearly so then this is the reality if you want a job in the creative arts where like it takes forever to be able to make yeah build a career out of it if you're not for money you have to have a side hustle we do we have to have jobs and like it will always be slightly annoying because there will always be people around you who don't have to have a job and can just do the creatives and that will inherently always be I don't know, I was saying to Sunil yesterday, I'm in such a phase of it. Of what? I'm just in a phase of being like, and they're fucking, like, and then I said it to, I was

with Neil O'Rourke as well last night, and I was like, I'm such a phase of it. And he was like, oh, yeah, well, I go like that. And I'm like, well, are you Irish? All the Irish constant, I've never hung out with an Irish person where you guys aren't like, and they went to this school and they're incredibly rich in their family homes in London. But we're like little socialist, like, of course. I will also say like, go ahead, I'll list them. I'll list them.

You ready? Listen up. Listen up. No, but you know what else is like, by the way, like, this isn't going to change even when the career starts to go well. Like, I think I still think about my career differently to how other people think about my career, or about their careers, which is to say, like, I still, there are certain jobs, yeah, I'll say yes to that other people wouldn't because what about, like, in the future,

what about my parents? What about, like, I don't, I don't own a property and I'm not close to it yet. And, like, that's fine. But, like, I will, I still think of certain. jobs in comedy as like I have to have that for my constant stream of income and then I can take some jobs that are creative and fun but like like it just like I do like I can't mess around clubs the clubs are like my constant I need to be really diligent with my voiceover because that's the most consistent work I get of a month like I don't know I think like the side hustle element of

it is what I mean to say is like still sort of continues where you like do some stuff to cover your end and some stuff because it brings you joy. But yeah, I think I'm sorry, but I think maybe your 22 year old boyfriend has a warped sense of what it is to be a writer. And it's not just the world provides for you. I wish it was, but it's not. Please write back to us and let us know what you think. Because I feel like these are two opinions of like, we're giving you the same opinion from our lived experience. But I'd be curious to hear from someone who's like been supported to be a creative person in their 20s. Like, do you know what I mean?

Like, what's it like if you were? But it's degrees of support, right? I think it is so heavenly that you want to support your partner and real testament to love. And he can function to a degree. So, like, they don't have to have a full-time job. A part-time job would let them buy the groceries, right? Like, literally is the point of contention.

They could work eight hours a week and contribute in a big way to stop this arguing and to, like, give them a sense of autonomy. Yeah. genuinely eight hours a week would make a massive difference and 16 I agree I am the worst no what you know I am the one no me too I agree I'm like 32 it's different in the Irish accent in the in the in the southern English accent 16 no I know but I think like I just think like you there's a like you're forgetting that there are multiple ways to support your partner and part of it you would still be doing monetarily if they got a partner you're going to have to

read their poems like that is and you're going to have to read their poems like that is and you're you have to read their shit and you have to emotionally support them because the life of a writer is one of like a lot of rejection even when you're successful and I think yeah it's loads of rejection but I think this is too far my baby boy this is too far no one's like got into an age where they can't work no one's sick it sounds like come on like sorry but and you won't catch me saying this often but like I do think he needs to earn his own money a bit I just think it's on a reasonable expectation. I love that our problem solving was like, get a job.

But I'm, no, I'm with you. I'm this is the worst thing. I'm with you. But I'm like, I'm curious to hear from Z, Z, like, I wish Andrew was here to have a Gen Z perspective on it. But we're not saying stop writing, get a job. We're saying get a part-time job. True. To help your partner out from an incredibly stressful situation whilst pursuing your artistic careers, which we did and which works, by the way.

True. but we're the lucky ones like we're the ones that like manage to do you know what I mean like yes we're lucky we've had lucky moments we've had huge lucky moments

we've also gotten night buses home from Cardiff after a gig on a Wednesday or Thursday night gotten up three hours later and gone and done our jobs I'm the coach from Cardiff does it is it moved now it used to go from like castle grounds

yeah do you remember like the other side of of Cardiff from Glee Club so it wasn't like most cities like the coach center is in the center of it but Cardiff was always like really tricky you'd get that night bus and if the night bus for some reason didn't come you had to wait to the next one so you'd have to go stand in a casino and wait there because the only thing that's open at the hour was a casino that? Yeah there's a casino in most cities that I would just like

because I couldn't afford accommodation or it had to be back for work the next morning I'm not saying this is like this was unsafe and extreme I'm just saying like you could you could do like a couple of mornings in a cinema and then keep being a writer that is like that's what everyone in service industries is doing is trying to get to their next profession a lot of the time not always but a lot of the time the young people it's tertiary it's transient but it's like then he can spend his own money on whatever the hell he wants

um solved get a job um should we do one more do we have time well why don't we do another one for the extras let's do another one for the extra we'll uh take this Tory party to the extras Hey guys Have a gorgeous week Follow your dreams

But also Cover your own expenses Hate myself Hate myself Love you bye But get a job Love you bye Get a job

Sorry bye Bye Anthony Conway Anthony Conway Neil Redmond Shady Cashmore and Angela X we are so grateful

Thank you Biggs X we love you and how far off that was and weird I loved it so much It's very Annie to Mr like Daddy Warvox

We love you No but thank you Thank you for the dollars Thank you Anything but you That's such a good That tap dance at the end Everyone Google it

In 1982 Aileen Quinn Annie And thank you so much to our producers. It's L. Richard Bold, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby Warf, Luke Bright, K, KC, Anthony, Anthony, Sophie, Chivers,

Chivers, Chivers. Oh my God, I messaged them on Instagram and I asked. And what do they say? I think it's Chivers. I can't remember. Oh my God. She do it and then not know.

That's so annoying. I saw, I got an education. They commented on something and I was like, oh my fucking God, tell me, tell us. This is so annoying. And I'm so sorry, Sophie. We still don't know.

Laura Pollock, Pollock, Pillick, Dougie, Doogie, Robertson, Becky Fox, Tim and Dom, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Amy O'Reardon, Taz, Kerry Sooth, C-Vee, we still don't know, Stephen Chicken, we know that one, blah, blah! Imagine it's Stephen Chichen. Imagine. Okay, well, Stephen Chichen, shout out Chikin too. Brin, Jam, Rain Bird, Tamsin Smith Harding, Claire Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke, Rachel Walker, Rachel R, Sarah, Molly, Tina Lindsay, Leah Overend.

Always funny to me. Clow, Liz Ford. Could be Overend. Damn it. Overend, just in case. Clow, Liz Fort, Charlie A. Haley Singer. Love it.

Siner? No. Probably not. That would be a G before the end, wouldn't it? Thank you all so much. And we respect all of your names equally. From me, Helen Bauer. I'm Catherine Buhart.

Bye. Pui.