Trusty Hogs - Ep181. PATRICK SPICER / Swimwear, Semen & Small Town Celebs

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

With Catherine away, the unenviable task of bringing some law and order to the podcast falls to returning guest host Rose Johnson. Will she keep us on track or will Helen run amok with first time guest Patrick Spicer...FOLLOW PATRICK: @PatrickSpicerFOLLOW ROSE: @RoseJohnnoNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah DeakinPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie Robertson / Charlie WeemesWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rose, I'm going to introduce the episode now and I'm going to say the number and you just join in whenever you're ready. It's episode 181. Oh my God, I thought you're going to do it in German. But you say, well, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Episode 900, I'm an archish, just showing off there.

Yes, multilingual and two very long lips. That was a shame. That was a shame. So what we say is like, hello and welcome to trusty hogs. It's episode 181. Okay, one, two, three. Hello, welcome to Trusty. Huggs is episode 181.

Catherine's not here. She can't make it. She can't make it today. So today we're returned by fan favorite Queen of the Pink. We're returned by. Oh, well it's hard, isn't it? Catherine does this part usually.

No, you're crushing it. Yeah, I am. I am crushing it. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests

And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And as the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not What did I say returned? Today we're returned by Today we have back, Rose.

We have back. And is there anything as sweet as that name? What's the thing? A rose. By any other name would smell a sweet. No, a rose by any other name would smell a sweet. And do you know what? I forgot to put perfume on today.

I was going to say. I was going to say. When you arrived earlier, I thought, foo wee. No, because I thought I actually bought, I have got a new lovely perfume and I thought I was going to put it on and I thought maybe Helen will say

what's your perfume? And then I was walking to the train and I was like, I didn't fucking put it on. What perfume did you buy? It's Dipetech. Don't worry about it. I've never done that. Yeah. Do you know what?

I did a job and it was like it was some kind of like, I think it was maybe like a voiceover for maybe a coffee brand. Pasta. Yeah, yeah. But maybe, maybe, maybe we did.

don't know. Well, maybe, maybe. And I did it. And then I, whenever I do anything like that, I just walked, I just walked straight out of the studio and into like the most, the nearest expensive shop. And I'm like, yes, please. Thank you very much. I literally do the same thing. Normally it's bravisimo. I'm going in there. I'm dropping 200 big ones. Are you doing bravisimo on Oxford Street still? The one that's when you, like, towards the BBC. Yeah. Their swimwear, this year, you know what, I'll say it, is atrocious. This year, because last year was absolutely fantastic. Right.

They only have, and I'm sorry to say this, because I support all brands that do big booby things. They only have one option of swimsuit there that's non-wired. And I do not want a wired swimsuit for just general swim swim. Okay. Yeah, do you know what? I don't mind it in a bikini, but I know what you mean? with a full costume.

Wires, it's taking me 15 minutes to get the bloody thing on. When I'm already hot. When I'm wet, like it's all the wires kind of it up in my boom and I'm putting it down like a sausage. Because one of the worst things in this day and age and people aren't talking about it enough

is getting dressed after swimming in a leisure centre. Can I throw something even more off into the mix? Trying to do it with a baby. You've got a fucking baby. And let me tell you, that is the, worst part of being a parent. It's like trying to wrestle a wet frog that is furious at being naked, but also furious that you're trying to put clothes on them.

And you're still like dripping wet. Dripping. And then whenever I've been there, all the other moms seem to just be like angelically doing it. And their babies are just like, ha, ha, ha. And then I'm like enacting a scene from the exorcist in a cubicle. I don't know what they think is going on in there.

But like, the people at Crystal Palace must just be like, this woman is abusing her child. But I know what you mean? There are some people who, I'm not even talking about like mothers necessarily, but like they go into like changing rooms and there's no water on the floor around. I don't understand it.

Or they come out of the pool and their hair's not wearing. It's like we're all put on swim caps but how are you keeping the water around fully? And then some people's kids are just too well-behaved. Yeah. But they're the freaks. You're not the freak.

No, and also, look, I was never going to have a well-behaved child, was I? You're always going to have something. An absolute nightmare. Let's just say summon. Let's just say summon. Listen, before we started recording you were saying something about

who, and I didn't understand it. I was just saying, I was just saying to the room, I think there's nothing, I think it's because I'm inspired basically just before we came in here to do this episode, there was a previous podcast in this studio about me and Rose like Barge Dings, we didn't read the message saying don't arrive before,

even though Andrew had message us like three times and God bless you for trying, but was like, hello! Here we are! We're in the podcast! And I rang the bell, it was like, which means the, if you ever hear a bell ringing on a crossover episode of who sexed my boss and wait for it, who sat on the floor at my wedding, which is one of the best podcasts of all time. If you hear a doorbell ringing towards the end of that episode, that's me. Yeah.

On that note. And then, because I was thinking about poo. Yeah. Right? Because of chat. Yeah. And then I was just saying, I just think, because I'm talking about poo on stage. at the moment.

I've made the exomime. I just want me to see that I'm not. Only because we talked about poo last week. And I don't want people to be like, oh, she's always got shit on the brain. Because I don't always have. Sometimes it's like world politics. Sometimes it can be.

Did you hear we're getting a new Pope? Are we? It's not dead yet, is he? That's what I said. You've got a lot of chance. I will say your dad is not Clive Myrie, but he is a sewer worker, so that's all I'm saying. What does that mean?

I mean, of course you've got shit on the brain. It's in your blood. Thank you very much. That means a lot. Who the fuck's Clive Myrie then? mastermind in it. Yeah, but he was also like a war correspondent and stuff for the BBC. Okay, well yeah, good for him.

Anyway, I just think it's dehumanising as an adult to try and push out a poo. Yeah, but you, yeah, but you said on, on demand, like on a, um... Because you know when you're like, on schedule, you know when you're like, I've got a long day, I need to poo before I need. No, this is, this is like wild to me.

This is wild. That cannot be wild. I'm, I'm, I have no sense. I'm I'm in your 30s and you have no I mean I have some say Like I have like Not every day

No but as in like I'm not just going immediately in my pants Like I can get to a toilet Okay yeah But what I mean is like The I could never be like Oh well I'm gonna have a long day So I just have a poo now

No dice Right I'm with you But I do think we have more control Than we realise sometimes Not to the point like I mean I don't know if I, you know, I know people who like will poo before they leave the house regardless of the time and they will organise their day around.

Yeah, that is mad to me. That is mad. But if I, I've had a couple of times in life where like, you know, some jobs, you have to be there at like 6am, whatever, so your pick-up times are like four. Yeah. You've got a long drive. And some places that you go are tricky to poo in, particularly when you've been miced up and you've got costume, you know what I mean?

I know they're not listening, but it's just in your head. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew they were listening. And then you don't know how far to go with it. As soon as I say like, oh, just, you know, it's... No, they're not late. They should turn it off when you go to. Well, I hope so.

Have I told you about my story when I was doing, oh my God. So I was doing this job. And I was doing the acting job that I always do, which is two lines, one scene in a show where I just turn up and everyone already, you know, everyone like knows each other. And I'm just like, hey, you're so good.

You're so good. in it, though. Thank you. And other things too. So I get, I get, and so this is on a show and my scene is with David Tennant and Jessica Hines. Oh, that's big. It's big, okay? And it's in a swimming pool. Okay, so I'm in my swimsuit, in a swimming pool. And I'm trying to just be like, hey, yeah. And I need a we. I need a we, okay. As an actor or as Rose? As, as Rose. As Rose. as the person, as me. Yeah, my character doesn't need a wig.

No, I've thought of interesting. I, so, and I'm trying to be cool because I'm only there for one day and I'm like, yeah, I just know my way around the TV, so I do? And the, do you know that the, like the slang in TV, if you need a wee, 10-1. 10-1 and 10-1, okay. So I wanted to be cool. And so when you go and say to like, you know, one of the first, the, the ADs, you say, like, I just need to go for Wii.

You hear them into their might go. Rose just stepping off to go 10-1. I got to him and like, like, tenants there. Jessica Heinz is there. It's all in earshot. I panicked and I went, I'm just, need to go and do 10-2. And as I said it, I was like, no, no, no, no. For translation, you just said in front of the doctor,

I need go poo-poo. Yeah, I just said in front of Doctor Who, I need to go poo-poo. and everyone just went like so silent and still and then the first lady just went it was a bit too much information they said that it was awful but you obviously didn't mean no and I thought and then but then I was like it's going to be more embarrassing to be like sorry no I got my sad slang mixed up so I just just just like sploshed off in my swim my wet swimsuit.

Oh, you're wet? Yeah, I was, I got to get out of the pool for this. And then, and then... You got out of the pool, you went to get to do. You want to poop, poo. And then I just... And then obviously it took ages to get the fucking swimsuit off. Oh, because we ain't in a swimsuit easy.

Pull us cross. Yeah. Pull across at the crotch. No, but it was a wee. Yeah, I know, I know. Oh, yeah, sorry. It wasn't a poo. Were you then?

Do you ever try and like proven point by doing the quickest we, ever, because you're like, I don't want you to think in any world that this is a poo. Yeah, or maybe in that instance, I was like, they think it's a poo. So maybe I had to theatrically, like, make it longer because I was like, they're going to think I'm like, fucking this weird girl that just poos in like two seconds. Just started dropping out. Yeah. Why is pooing?

Still such an awkward thing. I once had, yeah, just, I just remember arriving at a studio once. And it was in London. It was in South London. And I'm so sure it was to do one of those, like, I needed a couple of these really early on, like to camera, like Christmas toys from the noughties and 90s or like famous moments on TV, something like that.

And I just arrived and I was like, oh God, I still really need the toilet. I couldn't go when I was at home. And it was like, every time they showed me a toilet, it was just like, I'm not there. Like it was right next to the kitchen or right next to where they were recording or like there were people outside or like someone was like,

oh no, you go first, I'll start coming after you. Like it just wasn't happening. I remember like just thinking like my stomach is fucking losing. it right now and eventually I was just like I'm just going to have to shit and just let everyone smell it do you know what you need in your bag this will change your life is this poopering yeah but will it actually

I've never used that it fucking works it's insane it's so good you have to put it in before you poop but if it forms basically like a it's like an oily layer you can't see it but it forms basically like a barrier over the water so when your poo goes

in scent can't get out It is honestly amazing. I just don't believe it. It's true, I promise you. I've fallen for so many things online. Like the hide your poo scent. Not for hide your poo. What else have you fallen for?

Well, you know what? I went through a tricky for breeze phase, I'll say, I'll be brave. Like, do you remember those adverts where it was like they... You don't have to wash your clothes, you just for a breeze then. No. What do you mean then? What do you mean then? You do have to wash your clothes.

No, I know. I thought that's what you know that. Yeah, you're a mother. You wash clothes. Yeah. All right. All right. But like sometimes like if you're in a rush and your crotch smells a bit bad, yeah, you can frabreeze that.

No, you can't. You can frabreeze over with clothes on. Why wouldn't you say yes to the, why wouldn't you say yes to the, why wouldn't you say you can forbade your clothes? Why would you volunteer? Because that made it sound like, you don't use the washing machine full start. And you think it's better to forbreeze your, to admit to forboozing your family. In a rush, in a rush and it's not straight on the lips.

I've got clothes on and we've all done it. and I will not be judged for that. What, what, Fabri, that original flavour? Not flavour. White linen is it called? Flavour, were you?

Yeah, I know, I don't know. Wait a second. Can we all just calm down for a minute. I'm saying I was fooled by those Fabrize adverts of like, there were those people that would go into like a horrible hovel looking room. Yeah.

Have you gone? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it smells amazing. I take the blindfolds off and they go, what is that a dead body on the floor?

It's not amazing. And they're like, okay, yeah. And so. you were like, this will work on my hovel-smelling crotch. One second, one second. If we could just take a little time out there for me and everyone else. Hovel-smelling crotch.

I just did the maths. I just did the maths. Okay, I did the logical next step. I had a shower this morning. Do you know what I used in it? Fabrize? No. Fabrice should do a shower gel, though.

Like, morons like me would be like, amazing. Under the boobs and for the pits, you know. No, I used soap and glory. Oh, yeah, lovely. Boots, original scent, Rose, Mandarin, Bergamon, is it? Yeah. The choice of teenagers all around Britain. Yeah, do you remember when you were a teenager and you would, like, go into the luxury bath set out of boots?

And I would be like, I'm basically Kim Kardashian, like, the, the, the, the grip that the sanctuary products held over me. I still think those are extreme luxury. They smell delicious, Helen. Because I, my mum, she gets a sanctuary product for me every Christmas. Like, as part of her stocking, I will always include a sanctuary project. I remember her telling me about it when I was little, the sanctuary spa. Have you heard about it? She was like, it's a place in London in Covent Garden, is that right?

And it's just, it's Nirvana. But you can't go into your 18. What? And I've still not been. What is it like a sex thing? Oh my God, is it a sex thing? Maybe. No, Boots would not franchise for that.

Sex sells. And they do sell sex stuff and boots. Yeah. But just like, get pregnant or don't get pregnant. There's no sort of like pleasure. Yeah, there's some lube. They do like cock rings and stuff.

Loob's not like massive pleasure for me. No, no, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like if I can spit and use the mayonnaise. No, I'm joking. I wouldn't, I wouldn't. The mayonnaise. I don't know.

I was just talking. Sometimes I panics. I don't have that much sex. I just say things to try to prove and I get it. Do you know what I mean? Like a teenager. Like, oh yeah, no, 100% I'm whacking them out. And they're like, how many?

You're like, 50 an hour. And they're like, that's too many. I don't know what the line is like, I don't know. Wanking, you mean? Yeah. But like, I'm just like, I'm spittling. She's your time's an hour. I think a panic attack.

I'm actually on my level with you. I'm really scared. I need to get off the, my algorithm and Instagram in the moment is Alan Partridge quotes. Oh, that's lovely. It is, but I'm talking like him too much. I hear, yeah. I'm just going around.

Like. it's of accused. Mine's like fucking mad tradwife parenting content where it's like my night with a newborn with time stamps and then it's just like a woman just never sleeping and just like picking her baby up and then putting a nappy on it and feeding it. When are they editing it? I just think the maddest thing is like when are you getting the fucking tripod out? Are you mental? Baby's crying you're like she's quickly set up the tripod. Oh my god yeah. Mad unless you've got one up at all times which I think is Then you're just filming the baby the whole time.

That's really weird. But then again, that's just like that's in now, isn't it? Yeah. Making YouTube channel a baby. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. But my baby not on socials. You're not going to give it a channel.

You're not going to give baby a channel. Depends how my career pans out over the next couple of years, actually. Also, does baby have talent yet, you know? Um. I'd say no no I mean yeah no it's tricky though because it's like do you want your baby

to show a talent so young that then you become one of those like I can't see you doing I mean I think you would do anything for him because he's a sweet little angel but like sporting parent oh I'm already like so lax like I took it all the all the other babies could like swim

And I was like, he's not even, I've not even taken them. Like, baby classes, I go to one and I think that would do. He's got it all. Yeah, he's heard a song. That's all right. But what do they learn the baby classes? They don't learn anything. They're not even fucking listening.

This woman's like fighting for a life. It's going, doing the beanbag bop. The babies are just fucking running around, nicking each other's instruments, like trying to eat a fucking maraca. Okay, I would love that. Oh, let's take, oh, can I come with you next time? We live so close. It was we can do the beanbag bob.

I was expelled from Kresh when I was little. What did you do? I had one day there and my mum come to collect me and they went, she can't, she's not welcome back. Did you bite? No, I just apparently would not calm down. That's on them. The whole day just like screaming my lungs out.

They couldn't find a way to calm me down. And then they were just like, she is not welcome here. That is bad Kresh. Do you think? Yeah, I think get offsted onto them if it still exists. My mum thinks it's because one of my past life regressions. I'd say I'm going to say

yeah Anne Bauer is going to come in hard with that being due to a past life and I appreciate it because it makes me sound like a kid who's just had a lot going on just a babby more likely just unskilled nursery workers you don't know how to settle a kid in

yeah fuck you fleet nursery whatever you were called whatever you were bloody called how about that? Do you want to know like on the who shout on the floor at my wedding thing yeah

who shot on the floor of my flat my carpeted flat the other night my son and just made my week who yes because okay so he's so little we have to like this rose is not talking about a 16 year old oh no no no no no no he's one he's yeah just so yeah he's one yeah but he um I shit myself a month ago so let's be calm with it he loves to like crawl and run around naked yes yeah okay admittedly that is dangerous when you've got cream cream carpets and you're flat okay but normally you get a little bit of warning you can see something happening you can you can yeah he's going red he's straining oh my god yes the other day dan was ill my husband he's in bed i've been solo parenting all weekend i'm fighting for my life

okay amazing and he is i'm letting him have his little crawl around run around he comes over to me he buries his head and i'm on the sofa he buries his head into my lap and i'm like oh Oh, that's so cute. He's like burying his little head into my lap. And then I'm like, I hear a thud. A thud. A thud. And I'm like, no.

And I was like, no, no. He has done such a big load on the floor. I then pick him up. He continues to poo as I'm like trying to take him somewhere that isn't the cream carpet. Then I'm trying to clear it up. Oh, right. while he's trying to like poke it and at some point oh yeah and then i think i've like i've got out of the carpet cleaner you know yucky he knows yucky he doesn't know yucky no doesn't know yucky um i've cleaned

i've got i've like picked it up using wet wipes i've put it in the loo i've got i've cleaned the carpet i then go to throw um the wet wipes into the other room into his bedroom where the nappy bin is and i'm like i skid I skid and I think No I look at my slipper But of my slipper He's done a sneaky one

That I've slid in It's then trodden through From my slipper It's honestly like I'm in a nightmare I finally get it all cleared up And he's having a great time He thinks the whole thing is

I swear he was laughing at me Yeah I would I would Someone tripping in a sneaky poo you did Yeah Good stuff So I finally have

cleared it all up and got him in the fucking bath and I'm in the bathroom and I'm like I can still smell it how I've cleaned him down I'm like where how and I look down I've knelt in it somehow in amongst it all it's on my trousers I've knelt in it's apocalyptic how much so this is coming out I don't know he's eating a lot of pasta beforehand I will say but the but just beforehand, it doesn't work its way through the system that quickly. No, but it can like... Some foods do, but I think past it takes...

No, no, but if you eat a big meal it can like get things moving. It's like, you know, you're backed up. Yeah. Yeah. Which, sorry, leads us back to the point. You can control your own toilet. He just shot on the carpet.

No, but as an... Yeah, but he's having fun. He's a young lad. He's one. You're grown up lady. Like, if you want to poo early in the morning... because you've got a big pasta. The night before, fibre it up, fibre it up, big glass of water before bed.

Wake up, ready to go. Doesn't happen for me. Mine, it's surprise. Well, that might be your family thing then. Yeah, I think so. That is a rough day. It was awful. You know, and you're just like,

and there's no one to witness it. Like, I think if Dan had been there, it'd have been funny. But when you're on your own and the kids trying to put his hand in it and you're like, fucking hell. How? How? No. No.

This isn't what I dreamed of. It's not the dream, but it is part of, it's a smaller picture of the dream. It's part of it. Yeah. Because he angel. He and also, like, out of, I'm going to be philosophical now, out of all the poo, you could accidentally roll in.

Wouldn't you want it to be the, the poo? You didn't roll in it, yeah. He was melting it. Okay, well, slippy and knelt. Yeah. There was two parts of that. Slippy, Trod and Nell.

Yeah. That's practically a role. I'd say so. I thought it was kind of to just give her one, but nope, she's got a bloody problem with everything. But I think I'd rather have it be of a human I may do little. Yeah. Yeah.

An adult random, I don't know. Oh, no, no, no, no. Like, do you remember when Red got, like, was it like, vomited on or pissed on by someone he didn't? It was something like awful on the street. What? thinking like you just don't know where that piss came from. They threw a bucket

on him. This is way back when just some random on the street. I once sat on a pissy seat on a bus. Yeah. Do you know it was smell wise, you know? Yeah, it was piss. It was piss. I went to Alison Spittles' birthday party this is years ago. Maybe just before the podcast or just as the podcast was starting

and I rolled in dog poo. You rolled? I rolled. Right. So that's where that's comfortable isn't it. Now I'm realising. And I didn't actually like there was loads of her friends from island and I didn't really know a lot of them and there weren't many comedians there why were you rolling

I didn't really know anyone you didn't really know anyone you didn't really know how to break the ice my break oh my god I went to the Choril Awards yesterday go on I cannot talk to me about your conversation starters

can we do this in the extras I'm so sorry oh my god we can do it in the extra we need to bring on our guest yeah I was just thinking he's knocking down the door waiting to interrupt us just like we did with the chat podcast Oh my God, then this is, this is, this is horrendous. We have to bring on our guests.

I will tell you everything about total awards and the extras. Okay. Please welcome to the, you say it with me. Please welcome to the podcast. It's Patrick Spicer. Please welcome to the podcast. It's Patrick Spicer. Welcome back and we're here with Patrick Spicer.

I'm sorry. That was weird. That was weird. It's just, I'm trying to get, right, I'm actually going to be Zen from now onwards because I've got a CBD drink as my choice of drink for today. Yeah.

Which means that I'm about to get trippy as fuck whilst we discuss everything we want to discuss. Great. Which I'll start us off. What were you saying about Tumbridge Wales, Rose? Lovely people. Yeah, it's weird. Didn't, they didn't, they didn't.

enjoy my comedy when I was there recently I didn't enjoy my comedy have you gig places that start with the word royal package? No I haven't I was wondering if you were slamming them with just calling Tunbridge Wells dropping their royal Do you know what they don't like as well being on Tunbridge

because there is another place called Tunbridge that is yeah Andrew Yeah they get very iffy about that Tonbridge yeah what Tunbridge Yeah what Tunbridge Tunbridge what's the difference Well this is this is what I was saying and they did not care for that.

They were like, there's a big difference. And basically, I think it transpired. They think their scum of the earth. Oh. I think anywhere that starts a royal, is it like Royal Windsor. There's Windsor and Royal Windsor, is there not? I don't know if there's Royal Windsor.

There's Royal Witten Basset. Oh, yeah. See, that sounds like a dog. Yeah, yeah. And I've never met someone from, like, you know, when like, through comedy, I think we meet so many different people, like compared to other careers, right?

I've never met someone from these places. From Royal Washington Basset. But like, do you ever have those towns? You're like, I don't think children are coming from there. Yeah. But I think that anytime I go anywhere, I'm like, I can't believe, not children, but like, I can't believe there are people that live here. I don't live here.

Do you ever have there? You go to another country. That's like, yeah. I think that's called a Messiah complex. I think that's what that is. Yeah. That's what I'm, yeah. I can't believe I'm not here and they're bothering to be here.

Why? Because they lived in hope that one day you would come and you fulfilled. And does the town just keep going when I leave? No, they shut down. It shuts down. Oh, like, chill and show. Like, you're going through a set each time

and they're just there for the day. Yeah, it's more like, it's more like when I go somewhere I haven't been, or like a place that looks really different than a place I've been before. Like, do you know, you sound. so thick right fully committing to this

I know I respect a place that's a really I said this to my dad once around holiday I was like can you believe there are so many different places that look so different and he just didn't even he didn't say anything in response I don't know what you can say in response to that it's like I just yeah he's probably yeah he's probably just thinking like where did I go wrong yeah do okay okay I'm going to try and help you out here is it like right you know when you're flying somewhere in yeah let's say you European. Yeah, okay, I'm with you. And you're like, you're not at the destination yet and you're flying over just a random series of villages and towns. And you look down and you're like,

people's whole lives are happening down there. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah. And I, to be honest, I sort of do know what you mean where you go there and it is just like, what the fuck. This is, this is all going on and it's wigs you out a bit. Do you mean like a desert? No, like Winchester. See, that's what I'm trying to figure out. So like, do you mean like, Genuinely, like, so you're doing a tour at the moment, big tour, right? You're going everywhere. Most places you've been before.

I've gigged with you everywhere already. Are you arriving in Leeds and going, what the fuck is this? You went to uni there, man. Yeah, Leeds, I was like, okay, I've seen this place. I know what this place is like. But going to like, no, I know, but I'd never been to Paris. I went to Paris last week. Never been to Paris.

I was like, it's so nice. Review. It's really nice. Good, okay. I had a great time, walked around everywhere. Controversial. food what do you think i didn't really i got um so i started i was going to get a really fancy french croissant i was like because they're all about the croissons yeah and i got in a lot

trouble on instagram i really i think that overrated wow but where did you i opened with that at the paris gig and they hated i even did it ironically i was like oh i've got a spicy take and they were like no we genuinely don't think that's funny yeah okay sick well nice to be here it's so scary getting someone you've never been to before let alone a sitting a swing you get it we're friends they're like we don't know you yeah yeah i also feel like french people but french people what do what do they laugh at this is a common theme of this podcast is slamming the french i don't think we've got a sense of humor because of people sorry i was going to say we had a clip where we were like oh paris people are so unfriendly and then

loads of Parisians were very unfriendly. They were like, what the fuck you're talking about? Exactly. They're like, what are these bitches saying? I hate them so much. I turned off my comments on that. There was a couple which was like, the fat one's always wrong.

What's the comment? Which isn't funny, I know, but it is a little bit. Like, trust a fat one to get a wrong. It's always wrong. That means they listen to it. I mean, it's like regular listeners. No, I think they mean. They haven't learned your name.

That's so disrespectful. I think they mean that I think it's French, it's skinny French bitches being like, of course the fat one gets it wrong. They're being fat-phobic and... But I was slagging, I was just, I think I know this clip, it's the one where I'm saying

I just, I still, well, I know, I'll start, I'll fucking, I'll say it again, I'll say it again. I'll re-copy behind their backs with the chances is getting cut out. I don't think the most magical place on Earth Disneyland Paris should be in Paris. It doesn't make sense city-wise for the Parisians to

have somewhere that magical. Why? Because they're rude. They're not a magical people. Camille, that was the last episode of our podcast. Camille went to Disneyland Paris. She, yeah, was converted, did love it. But when I went there,

I didn't find it that magical. Okay, well, it is magical. It's just... Well, also, okay, this is what blew my mind. She was like, yeah, we stayed in the hotel. Which one? Yeah, but I, well, I thought it was, and I was like, yeah, what, in the castle? And she was like, no, you can't stay in the castle.

You can stay at the Cinderella's castle suite in Disneyland, Florida if you've got a special invitation from the Disney World Company or have won a certain competition for the Disney Vacation Club. Okay, but I'm talking about if I want to go. All right, Patrick. And like, if I'm going to say the same thing. And I'm staying there. I want to stay in the castle.

You can say in the Disneyland Hotel, at Disneyland Paris, which is where she stayed. Yeah, that's the pink hotel. It's still special. and magical. Is it actually in Paris or is it in like, is it, is it in Paris in the way that like Thorpe Park is in London? Okay, so at the end of the metro lines, it's like Thorpeck's in London.

It's on the edge of the Paris. But it's still very, you know what, fuck it. I want to go back to French food. Can I say this? I don't know yet. I don't know. I think patisserie wise, lush. Great.

I like the croissons there. So I don't know. Where did you go? Butter croissant. Yeah. I was in something. fancy, I don't know, some fancy patisserie. But how do you know it was fancy?

Did you Google it or do you just go off light fixtures? Like light fixtures? Yes. Yeah. You've been, that's a tourist trap. They're little croissants, right? They're pumping out little croissons. I don't know, I think, but I like croissons when there's something going on. Like, if there's like chocolate. No, no. That's a pan of chocolate. That's a pan of shock. Or like, Harribo. You want a preck, you want a preck chucky croissant.

I want a harribo. Haribot. I don't mix it up. Just don't I don't give me butter, butter. It's like, it's like, it's sort of a risal that's been soaked in butter. That's on you. That's on you. You ordered it.

You ordered it. You ordered it. And you chose to order it. Because I thought it would change my opinion. If I got it in Paris, the home of magical croissons, but it was shit. I disagree. I think, I think a good, French, buttery croissant.

It's just three days a lay. Sorry, Rose. Well, that's, that's, that's really thick, Patrick. Yeah, it is. To be like, oh, I'm going to put so much pressure on this one croissant. Like, yeah, but I've eaten probably. maybe 60 or 70 cross on the same of life.

Yeah, and you don't like them. And I've never liked one. But what point do you give up? Then I gave up on Friday. I've never had anal, but I don't think I like it, but I'm open to the opportunity. But if I don't like it after that one time, I'm probably going in again three times tops.

Not 60-70. Yeah. Yeah. But if you'd had, if you went to the country where they invented anal, then you'd probably try it. I was going to say, Germany. Which, Andrew, can you Google,

which country invented it's going to be it's going to be um i don't think that's it's going to be it's going to be india oh it's guaranteed i think whatever we guess we're going to be in trouble uh 800 a d uh northern peru there's some claims for ancient greece it must be greece come on oh greece loved that stuff didn't they 100% also i this is i'll accidentally off my caps socks on so it's just who invented anal! Wait the greek um they were into all sorts of stuff weren't they yeah they're very open-minded actually as a culture do you know how I know that do you want to know you want to be impressed by me yeah I do

I'm in I'm back in an audible era like I'm off the podcast for a bit and wait for this I just downloaded Stephen Fry's mythos and it is charming oh absolutely that for you charming have you have you got any good myths no I'm only 15 minutes in No myths But I've been jumped No we're doing the beginning of the world Do you want to hear about the beginning of the world According to the ancient Greeks

You know how we think it all started with a big bang Because of the big bang theory You know the show Yeah The Greeks They don't think it was They didn't think it was nothing And then a big bang

They think the world came from chaos So at the beginning there was chaos Right Chaos started everything And that makes sense to me So I think I'm Greek now Isn't chaos the, isn't that one of the gods

or wasn't some of the gods chaos? There's a TV show called Chaos that's about gods because I auditioned for it. Did you? I watched it. Certainly did. Didn't see you. Absolutely not. Because it was more than two lines so it didn't get the fucking job, did I? It's hard auditioning.

Are you auditioning at the moment? Or just touring? Not just touring. Just touring. Yeah. What did I audition for? I can't remember. Self-taping. Sending in a lot of tapes. A lot of tapes. But isn't that auditioning? I'm busy by myself. What do you think, guys?

You never get feedback on a self-tape. You just assume that they didn't watch it. No, apparently you can if you ask. Isn't that devastating? Why would you want to? I know, I know. You can't even get to the stage that, like, used to be the first stage. They introduced a new stage.

Right? Because it used to be just go straight in the room. No, right. Yeah, like before COVID. There was still some self-tapes, but yeah, lots of it was in the room. I want to go back. to like L.A. in the 70s. I had an in-person casting yesterday.

Yeah, I was telling you about it. I was turned up very flustered because I got, oh, I was following my Google Maps and it took me along like a fucking abandoned canal and I had like five minutes to get to the casting and I was like, this can't be right. So I ran back and then it was right. Anyway, yeah.

But that is the hardest part of our jobs and I know there's like doctors and nurses and like brain surgeons and rocket science is listening and like good for you. But it's finding place. I think that's the hard of part. And I'm not like talking about like finding away from this side of stage to the microphone. Which can sometimes be hard.

Which can sometimes be hard. That's social theatres are unnecessarily hard. And you know why I reckon? Because of all the sex crimes that have happened there, they wanted it to be tricky to get to different rooms. That's why I think 100%. Because historically in theatres, bad things have happened over the years. Wait, but do you mean to enable the sex crime?

Enable it. Yeah. The architect's winner. So there's someone's trying to escape. They can't. Like that Hugh Grant movie, you can't get out. Oh my God. Whatever that Hugh Grant movie is.

Heretic. Heretic. He was really good. He was so spooky. That's my review. Hugh Grant is spookiest. Got a frightening face. Hugh Grant.

Yeah, in Paddington. I think he's still very good looking. I think he's smoking. He would get it. Hell yeah, dude. Here's a good question for the group. Yeah. Which Hugh Grant would you most like to wake up

next to any film or and you can also have the the inquiries into the listening in to the devices the leverson inquiry yeah you can have leverson inquiry yeah i want that i want that was pretty yeah that's pretty yeah he's standing up to the he well who was he's standing up to the male i think it was the murdoch yeah rupert murdoch he's fighting a good fight so that's that but then also sort of quite like um love actually Prime Minister Yeah Prime Minister

Bridget Jones's diary is pretty good I forgot how funny he was in that Yeah he's great Because I was self-taping for something I didn't get British James diary It wasn't Bridget Jones's diary I can't remember what it was

But it was a guy who had to be really sexy And deadpan And I was like I'm not I don't want to be like I don't know how to audition sexy You are so sexy though It's effortless Please come on stop it

This is mental right now That's why I brought it up But I appreciate it anyway You can't see for the audience But there's actually 20 dogs behind the cameras Just like Frantically panting But they've been in here the whole time

I don't know We always have 20 French For trusty dogs They always think there's looking for crusty dogs That would be quite funny To invite someone on a podcast And just never comment on it We're just have 20 panting dogs

20 dogs You're like what's for the dogs Anyway no we can start now But those big really sick ones it's like, St. Bernard's. Big.

Yeah. Same birds. Are they the, that's Beethoven. The genetically ruined ones. Yeah. Oh no. No.

No. I think St. Bernard's are okay. They're supposed to be like that. Oh, right. That's natural. Oh my God.

Oh, so Berners are just the big boys. They're big, but I think they do have they produce, I'd say, more saliva than necessary. Oh.

Yeah, big, big gobs. They do that, like, Remember that shot in Beethoven where he shakes his head? Oh, yeah, and the drool. And it's like, it's like, come on, man, nasty. Comedy formative experience.

It's crazy, the Seminole, we just say Seminole when it sounds so much like calm. Yeah. And that is where it's come from, isn't it? Isn't it? No, it's not. Yes, Siemens, of course it is. Seminole. Seminole, like originating and Seaman is also originating.

Like giving life to. That cannot be true. That's a coincidence. So like the seminal performance. King books, I mean, Friday. Here is a seminal adjective, strongly influencing later developments. Second meaning relating to or denoting sperm. Right.

Here's a synonym for you. Spermatic. Spearmatic. There you can say that was a spermatic performance. No, you can't. You can't say that on the news. Is that your metric of whether a word is real or not, whether you can say it on the news? I think about whether Trevor McDonald would have said it.

and if he and if he wouldn't have said it I don't say it fair but no that's my that's my that was the first one also he's the only one not disgraced I feel like you have to go quite a long while he's a seminal newsreader do you want to hear something mental Patrick and Rose yeah always you know right you know before you like become an adult and like work in London and now we're like comedians so we do meet sometimes people who are like famously but before that phase like it's if you spot one it's like famous yeah it's to the point where you're like that's my month sorted yeah as far as like i'll be famous at school for this me and my friend hannah once saw Trevor mcdonald ordering at burger king and waterloo station fucking how that's a good

what did he have her mom was there to see it i couldn't remember but i remember her mom being like that's trevor mcdonald and both of us being like we cannot believe it he's in burger king wait for it just like us. That's mental. And I think everyone, did you have one of those? Like someone you just, go on, Patrick. Um, you come on. I don't know if I do.

I don't ever remember seeing a celebrity. How old are you? You mean like teenager? I think we were like 12. Yeah. No. No, I. That's so sad.

I don't know. Is everyone else what? I saw a couple. Did you? Just around. I saw Noel Edmunds in the Harlequin shopping center in Exeter. his hair was like a lion's mane it was like flowing in the breeze as he had like quite the speed going yeah around christmas time deserted shopping centre just me and noel basically

how old we're not where you want to be no he's fine is your old noel alone i think i think he's more mental than right yeah he's just mental yeah okay for sure he's more cosmic ordering all right but i got my eye on him As we should, we should have our own everyone We should be watching each other carefully But I didn't, yeah I did think twice about following him But I didn't in the end

No, I was Christmas shopping I was stressed out I think I was on the way to a cookware shop To try and panic by something for my mum How old were you? Yeah, like early teens Early teams And I once saw Jude Law in London

And I did that thing where I I didn't clock that it was Jude Law I just saw that he was familiar and so I said hello and he was like he just looked down and then I as I said hello I was like

he did you look and then it was so embarrassing because he clearly was just like yeah I just went hello that's so fucking cool he just walked on he would have forgotten it

within a very second but it's lived on in my memory he probably has to be saying hello to him all day that's fucking awesome I remember when a celebrity moved to our town and it was like we all just we couldn't believe it

and Chris Beck lived on his cul-de-sac and it was a man called Darren who would do the BBC weather if someone else was sick but like the 10 o'clock one like the proper one and we were like Darren. Darren Fett yeah have you just googled

wow how you quick couldn't it was just so huge and Chris was like I saw him the other day and we'd be like Darren has a car no have I told you that Wizzadora

Rizadora lived in my village Who's that? Shut the fuck too young but from the CBBC Whizadora She was like a stalwart From CBBC In your village

A witch, yeah A witch I played a witch She's a fucking legend actually She's called Wendy And she loves a sash in the pub She'll be like I've got to go home

I've got my roast in the oven Four hours later You go back into the pub She's dancing on the table She's like, it's open Wizardora Yeah She used to judge the fancy dress competition

at the what fancy dress competition well at the village fair what village did you grow up? Did you go up in a small village? Yes She's Devon Devon

Devon, yeah we had a fair that came to fleet Do you have a fair that came through Beckham No No, we had Yeah

I live in Penge Do you? That's nice Very close I used to go to a sort of a youth club type thing in Penge Oh yeah

What's the youth club? Well it was like Kind of like a rock night Maybe once a month it wasn't Christian it was like a it felt like a club I don't think it was Christian

because it sounds like I don't think there was another one that was Christian which was in Beckenham which we went to and we would make fun of them when they tried to preach at us which was embarrassing probably for them and for us retrospectively Yeah retrospectively You think you're so funny when you're a kid being like

not caring about things but it's the most embarrassing thing you can do Can I sorry can just quick in and why were you in a youth rock group in pen? I wasn't in a rock group. I was just in attendance. I would attend each month. So what would happen?

Battle of the bands? Yeah, Battle of the bands. There was a battle of bands. Yeah, there was a pool table downstairs. We got to play on that. Sick. So would they just play rock music? Yeah.

But it was like a pub for kids. Like you could hang out and you weren't at the three. It's a youth centre. I understand. I'm just struggling with a rock element. Did you have to dress up? Did you have to? No, it was like.

It was like a youth club, but it kind of felt like a pub. Yeah. My friend got punched in the face. That is quite rock and roll. That's the rock element. It wasn't rock club. Yeah, now I'm on board. He got punched in the face and we all put down our bibles.

It was crazy. There was this one guy who was arguing with another guy and then my friend tried to break up. And then this one guy punched like four people in the face in like it happened so quickly. And he knocked all of them to the floor. And that's pan. And that's, and that's Penn. And it hasn't changed. That's on the poster for Penge.

That's a big fight for teenagers. Because usually it's just one-on-one. Yeah. And I was one of those like, I never got in a fight as a teenager. I would be on the periphery of the fight acting as if I could jump in at any moment. I saw. But like if anyone punching moved anyone near to me, then it would be like a runaway. Or just being like a, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, come on.

Hey, hang on a sec. I feel like that's like such a stressful thing for teenage boys to go through. through that I didn't even factor like we didn't really have to there'll be like bitch fights people like girls just like holding on to each other's hair and stuff. Those were crazy though but like yeah having to

having to like decide where you stand in fights is is a big that's a it's not that hard if you always decide to never be in the fight but don't you feel like sometimes you just like like how many of you just got punched like do you don't have to like I don't know I just watched adolescence last night

so it's very fresh I'm just, I'm just thinking about like, it's just, you can just be, yeah, it's true. I don't have to say anything without spoiling it. But I feel like at school, you could just get, find yourself in a situation. You're like, oh my God, how am I even like, sometimes there was like a big thing and you just happen to sit next to someone in one of the classes and you're like, oh, all of a sudden I'm like sort of part of this thing. I, um, there was a big fight at me and Hannah again, she's going to shout out Hannah. We used to do. Yeah, big up Hanna, actually.

Yeah, big up Hanna. Hope you great. We used to do, like, joint birthday parties a lot. And I think there must have been our 16th one or something. And, like, one of our friends brought along her boyfriend who's older. Like, do you know what I mean? And, like, he brought a couple of friends. But it's clearly, like, some sort of problem between him and a boy and I, yeah,

or, like, he thought there was or something. It was always something to do with disrespect or something stupid like that. Just, like, just my kism. Teenagers who are determined to be respected. They have no basis. Yeah. They're the least deserving of respect. But there was a full on punch up, but the police did get called.

Oh. One of the boys, he went to the hospital and like something like needs something done with his eye. Like it was bad. And he's fine now, but I remember it being like my parents got called and Hannah's parents and stuff by the police for like, like, what were you doing to keep this party safe and all of this sort of stuff? And it's like, oh my God. And I was on the trampoline at the back of the party. And I missed everything. Like with my big boobs.

Like I'm a bit of a weird one. I've got boobs and all the boys like. And I'm like, but I missed all of it. But this is going to sound so mental, like really mad. But I was gutted. I wasn't there. Oh, you missed the fine.

Yeah. Because you just like, because then it was like, oh my God, you get to go to the trial. And people got to go and like stand on. the witness. Oh my God.

I like take a day off college and I was like, I did mock trial and that was even a rush in itself. What's a mock trial? Did you not do mock trial? What's mock trial? Okay, mock trial is like a mad thing where they get teenagers to pretend to do a trial.

And you learn all, like you have to, you get a role. I was a witness and. I don't think it's like, you went like I was a witness for the benefit of people who are watching on YouTube. She put her hand under her chin like she got cast by Steven Spielberg, I was a witness. They needed someone who could deliver a great performance.

So where do they come to? I got a self-tape for witness. Yeah. Oh, no. I never made it to audition. Yeah, if you need any tips, no. But we, and it's great. So you do it.

You start off, like, in your local magistrates court, and you get given, like, uh, this case and you have to learn your witness statement. And they get you the core. Yeah. They're trying to get people. They're probably trying to get you into the, and then, and then you progress. We got to, national final we went old bailey yeah we met we went old bailey oh it is i met shrie

blair you met sherry blare yes wow honest a swear down on my life got to go london got to go pizza express for the first time met shrieblair wow this story's where was shirby blare she's a she's a she's a lawyer oh my god she's moonlighting wait wait wait wait Andrew have you you heard of mock trial i've done a mock trial yeah what are you talking about i got a really shit role though i was just like not even the bailiff like like like clerk or something where you're like you have to just say like all rise i know and then i was in it with people that weren't theatre kids and i was like give me a chance to show you are you riffing or are you just reading no you can't riff it how is it a competitive play no you can riff if you're the witness because

you get cross-examined i don't give a shit but it's annoying because they give you a fight and then I'll back on. I will push you all the way to the limit and then apologize. Rose, I'm sorry. What was your trial again? Oh, it was a shoplifting one. A shoplifting trial? Yeah, and it was really annoying because when you're the witness,

they gave you your witness statement that you had to learn and you got cross-examined, but there were inconsistencies in it. So you had to then... And this is a real case? No. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no. I mean, it might have been, but that seems like...

I don't think they prosecute shoplifters. Yeah, they do. Do they? Yeah. I got to stop shoplift. I thought that was like robbery, like something they just never bothered to investigate. No, I think, well, I think, I don't know. Or burglary is the one.

I don't, I don't think they're actually. They definitely investigate burglary. They do that? No, do they? I don't think so. Yeah. We got burglary when I was a kid, they didn't do anything. Oh.

I mean, I don't know how involved I was in the investigation. You were running it. And then they were like, Patrick, you actually didn't come in the sleep. You're too close to the case. But you've done it. You're too involved. No, mock trial sound nice and normal. So you made it all the way to national finals in London.

Did you win? Don't think we won. Don't think we won. But we, yeah, we went to the old, but we got to do it in the old Bailey. Pretty cool. That's crazy. This is why the courts are crumbling. Because they just pack them out with teenagers.

So no one can get a court date. Like, it's a massive problem on the prison system. I don't blame me. And that's because there's proof of the teenage doing mock trial. I think it's one of those things that like schools can just sign up for different projects. Yeah.

And our school did a big dance one. Yeah. But not, what was it called? What was the big dance country? The one that everyone, like the whole school could enter. National dance competition.

National dance competition. Like Euro dance or something or like Euro. Um, the great big dance off. No. We weren't doing that back then. I didn't get in it. I didn't get in it actually.

No one had thought of that. It's tough when you don't get stuff at school, isn't it? Yeah, really tough. Like, I mean, you were fine at rock youth group. I'm sure everyone was fucking welcome there. Yeah. Do you ever do school play? Punched in the face.

We did debate. I was, in a debate one for one year i was in a debate group team and we made it to something we went to i mean i grew up in south london but we went to the middle of london yeah big and i did you go to peter express we didn't go to peter express but it was exciting it was like me and three friends our english teacher on a day out wow i got a special commendation for something that's good i remember what we lost yeah yeah yeah but i was singled out as like this guy's pretty good okay i think it shows how more chill you are

compared to both Rose and I that you're like I got a conversation for something I could tell you every award certificate and I could tell you where it is in my flat right now we need Dan calls it praise pie

he's like you need your praise pie don't you? Is that what did it hit? That's funny. Yeah oh this was what I was going to tell you before the podcast when I said I'm going to tell you found out this thing Camille and Beatty on my podcast Birthday Girls House Party

Shout out Birthday House Party It's such a funny podcast and it's amazing and everyone should listen to it because I listen to it and I love it. Thank you. I found out they told me, well, Beatty let slip that when I'm like in a bad mood or like bringing negative vibes to the podcast, they have a trick where they just give me a compliment and it instantly transforms my mood. And so I was like, so every compliment you have given me on this podcast has been a

fucking lie. You should go back through all of them. I know. And then you will. And I will. And Camille was obviously fuming. she was like beating you for the cat out of the bag so now whenever they give me a compliment

on the podcast I'm like right I haven't noticed that have you not as a listener that is not fucking pair of snakes I also would have just been like yeah they're complimenting rose because roses are compliment because rose in it exactly that's what I was thinking are you complimenting her now are you trying to turn her now no I'm sympathising actually I'm like that's fucking

wait are you and fucking Catherine doing that to me no no you're so like astute and brilliant on this podcast We're doing it right now. It's the gays, they're manipulative, and that's the problem with Andrew and Catherine, dare I say it. The pair of them together, it's constant. Because I do come in in bad moods all the time.

I've never seen you in a bad mood. I've never seen you in a bad mood. Oh, come on. I've seen you in like a chaotic mood, but not bad mood. But you see the chaos and then the tears start. I can never tell when you're really crying. five years in to doing weekly stuff together

gigglers and how this, you don't know? No. You don't know? Like this isn't fake. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's fake. Okay, yeah, that was fake.

But still, fuck. But I feel that's just how it works with, like, working with other people. Like, you're just constantly like, Like with the audience as well sometimes, I'm like, I don't know if you can, like, I'm in a really bad mood, but you can't tell. But sometimes I'm like, oh, these guys are not having it. Like, I've had crowds before where they've come in, really lovely people and they've just been rained on all day. Like literally, it's just wet and cold outside.

Yeah. And they come in. And I know their shoes are a bit wet. And I'm like, yeah, guys, me too. But the thing with you, Helen, is I don't think you're someone who, like, you might be in a bad mood or really miserable. but I think you don't I think you work hard to not let your mood affect other people agree whereas I bring a toxic guy I'm very happy to bring them by yeah me too I will ruin an atmosphere oh you're actively yeah I'm I'm like if I you're coming down with me

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah see I don't get that from either of them I don't get I saw the whole thing yeah I fucking stole it myself wasn't even the witness is going to send me down I've got an image now of the two of you walking down the street on a hot summer's day and you're in bad moods and any child is holding an ice cream car

and you're like, fuck! I actually am smearing shit across people's face. Yesterday I was in a bad mood and on the tube and a pregnant lady got on and I was sitting in the middle seat you know like nowhere near the priority seats

yeah. Pregnant lady gets on two men in the priority seats both just pretending not to have seen and I got up gave her my seat and then was yes so I didn't even just give them evils

I was like I looked at them made gestures as if it was as if to be like hello and then they looked at me yeah and I said look up and then had to just stand next to them for the preceding 20 minutes but that's legend behaviour look up and then the guy

tried to give me his seat I was like I don't want your seat and then I had to stand next to tape because it was fucking busy tune and I thought is he going to stab me I don't know but that's I think that's fine no that's good yeah that's good is it that's not bad mood it's endangering my personal safety that's street justice for very little reward no yeah possibly you could get stabbed I think well it's London so anything that you might do in a normal civilization you have to rationalise had to make a split decision whether to try and intervene in a phone theft the other day and literally

the only thing that stopped me was like you've got a baby you'll get you'll like I don't have a baby and I stopped myself the other day I saw these two boys on the pavement and I was like like had my phone but like hugged it into myself and they went past the bus stop same was it an elephant and castle oh oh they'll do it outside the tubes

yeah outside the tubes and then these two girls like coming across the street and I just saw the like bike cycle past and I thought they're going to nick someone's phone I can feel it and then they sort of turned around and then I just had thief. Yeah.

And I was like, looked up and I was like, yep, that's the two of them. And I was like, I should, I sort of, that's what I thought.

Why didn't I shout? They're going to steal your, thieves, thieves. Because you don't, if you're wrong, it's like, it's not a great look. That's exactly why my brain stopped.

I was like, these are just two teenagers on a bike. And it just looks like I'm just sort of like, fuck these teens. Yeah. So it's so hard to tell because all teenagers wear balaclavas now. Yeah,

that's true. So I'm like, if you're not committing a crime, why are you doing? Because it is chilly out and about. On your face. Chili on face on a bike. Chili cheeks.

But they're all wearing. They're going to shops with them on. You not have balaclava then, Patrick. Because all the other boys are wearing. No, no. They're all teasing me about it. This is how you realize they're like, my face is ice cold.

They're like, he won't get involved in fights. You won't wear a brawlava. You won't sit in the back in the drill video. Patrick just in the background at youth group. Like, like, whoa, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

Well, you're a good boy, and you know what good boys do? They help people on podcasts solve problems. What a segue. Wow. How long? Professional podcaster. How long did that take me to get there? 36 minutes.

That's not too bad. Is that bad? When are you supposed to hit? About 20 minutes. I feel like it should be my job because I'm the Catherine on my podcast. It should be my, I should have been. hurrying you along and keeping you on a check, but I'm off the leash here because it's not my podcast.

It's not your podcast. Also, this always happens when Catherine's not here to the point where I'm like, I think we should just like talk about what we want to talk about and then we can do problems in the extras. Do you know what I mean? Do you have a problem in the extras? Yeah, and then people can like write in and say, oh, hell and messed it up.

As long as Catherine doesn't find an email, I don't care. Is that real? No. No. See, that's obvious. Do you have a shared email you're both responsible for? No, there's one email, trustyoxiducom, and only Andrew gets to see it.

Because people write in anonymous problems and I'm assuming they also write in not nice things about us sometimes and you shield us. I really have to filter quite a lot. Do you actually shield us? No. I bet you do.

No, I think there's maybe been five emails I've just withheld from you. Yeah. Whoa. But not like nasty, just like, this is so pedantry that like nobody will care. That's completely fair.

We got, I got some hate mail on Twitter because once on my podcast, we do stupid, know we do our silly games where we make up fake scenarios and I said that I wanted, there was a scenario I was like we've got a secretary

in this office and he's a sex slave and a man said he would never listen the podcast again. And you were like, bye bye, we tried to beef with Pappies and we got a very angry email being like,

how dare you insult the lovely Pappy boys I've cancelled my Patreon subscription. They were really upset. I went on Pappies and I was like, you guys can go fuck yourself. I was like trying to start. We thought it'd be funny with them as well to like start like that's the podcast beef because it was at the time when like there was

some let's say podcast that were more on the right wing side left with like that were beefing and we were like this be such a funny beef and we lost we lost the patreon you lost one that's fine one maybe yeah just one that told us announced it yeah yeah we'll be all right how big was their contribution was it like a grand a month yeah it was a big thousand pounds i'd like to go in and just be like a benefactor patreon so like i just donate like a hundred grand to a podcast a month and they have to do everything I say that okay interesting that's what I want to do it's not an option on the website I would email them directly and say but what would you want to hear people talk about for that amount of money yeah I think it wouldn't even it wouldn't even

really matter it just be the fact that I was getting them to do it would be enough and oh my god I'm on a fucking segue fire right now for Patrick to be able to raise the funds to be able to do that with a podcast tell us about your tour whoa that's so good how you did that was insane that was seamless um i'm on tour i'm going all around the uk and all around europe um all over the place describe europe europe is like a continent um it contains many countries it was organized into a union which we left which i think was a great call i think it's important that we have and that's what it's about isn't it basically i'm just going to different european countries and telling them uh we made the right decision we don't need you yeah um yeah so please do buy tickets if you live

in Zurich, Basel. Oh, into Paris. Already done that one. Berlin, you done? I got Berlin done. Munich. Munich is almost sold out. I buy Munich right now.

Munich, there's like 10 left. Minchin, come for by. I have such a bad memory for tour locations. What does that mean? Copenhagen, yeah, could use some in Copenhagen. Couple in cork. June Island. Island mostly sold out.

We're going to add a whole bunch more either in like June or maybe a couple months after that and a load of other places I haven't gone. Like Vienna, Oslo, all these other places where people DM you're saying, come here. Go to Oslo. I'm going. It's good.

Yeah? I've never getting Vienna, so that's just me like, I don't know. But Oslo, so fun. And if you get sick, the gastro ward there, what a lovely group of people. Yeah. Really?

Why? What's the... Like three days. I loved it. It's because I made, because I direct Helen's stand-up shows. Yeah. And I made her eat an egg out of her.

I remember the egg out of her. I remember the age. Her egg bra show. Yeah, well, more than food poisoning, I was hospitalised in a different country. Didn't you buy an egg every day though? It wasn't like an old egg. And so I kept it in my bra,

but I would buy like four, take them in and then leave them backstage at the bunker. So I didn't, I didn't tell her to do that. I said you make the egg fresh every day and you bring it in fresh every day. Sometimes I was peeling a scotch egg on the streets, I'd forgotten.

And she didn't listen to my, yeah, she. But I'm okay now. And one of those eggs gave you salmonella? We don't know. The top of my stomach. got an infection the top sphincter and flamed itself closed

uh yuck that's nasty you also see plug in your fucking tour you're saying that yuck to me yeah go see Patrick for more absolute zinger's like uh yuck you know what I'll finish your plug

Patrick's super fucking funny he's massive online we're going to tag him on everything that we're going to release on this so you just click on Patrick Spicer and then give him a follow and then come to the show also just as something because I like to make life easy for you sweep I don't know which camera I'm looking into I never know yeah I was straight on the middle yeah always down the middle but it's this there's two there some and it's very hard for Helen that's the close that's the wide all right Patrick not my first podcast which one this

one this one this one on leads you've got a date in leads and you don't know this yeah I'm on the show before you what really no joke no way you want to do a double you can stay and watch Patrick with me. That's so fun. Isn't that so fun? Have you already got tickets? I've got train tickets because I booked them before I knew that you were going to be there. But now I'm like maybe we could travel back together and I can watch.

Let's do it. Yeah? That'd be fun. Patrick's so funny. You go follow online. You go see show. And then even better than that, Rose so funny. Rose have podcasts.

Patrick, no podcast. Rose have podcast. And very funny online. And do sketches online. The sketches are so good. Start doing sketchy. Do you know how I know your sketches are flawless? Thank you.

Because you say, do you know how I know? How? Because I showed my sister, my evil sister, the traitors, head turn. And she laughed. Oh, I got Marianne. You got Marianne. You can say our fucking name. Don't say it three times.

I'm so nervous. Okay, great. Isn't that in. same yeah i'm that's how funny you are three million views nothing marianne please three million yeah thank you don't think this is this is fine find if i do your social card drop i don't know how you would say that ticot instagram youtube we'll link everything go follow them if you want to listen to us solving problems too bad you have to wait for an episode when katherine's here we'll see you in or join the extras or join the patreon or join the patreon if you give a hundred grand you can dominate what

these people will do on their podcast. These people will do anything naked but not everything closed. Goodbye. Bye. Thank you so much to our executive producers sat there in the lounge

as we expect you are. Thank you, Simon Moores, Guy Goodman, Sarah Deacon, Stephanie Capracha, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Sadie Cashmore and Angela F. We are so grateful. Thank you, Big X. We love you.

Now, for our mouth, and weird, I loved it so much. It was very Annie to Mr. like Daddy Warbox. We won't you. No, but thank you. Thank you for the dollars. Thank you. Anything but you. That's such a good, that tap dance at the end.

Everyone Google it. 1982, Aileen Quinn, Annie. And thank you so much to our producers. It's L. Richard Bold, Rachel Page, Helen A, Abby Warf, Luke, Bright, KC, Anthony, Anthony, Sophie, Chivers, Chivers. Oh my god I messaged them

on Instagram and I asked And what do they say I think it's chivers I can't remember Oh my god She do it and they're not know That's so annoying I saw I got his vacation

They commented on something And I was like Oh my fucking God Tell me tell us This is so annoying And I'm so sorry Sophie We still don't know Laura Pollock

Pollock Pillick Dougie Doogie Robertson Becky Fox Tim and Dom Ria Fink Cordelia

Amy O'Reardon Taz, Kerry Sooth, CV, we still don't know, Stephen Chicken, we know that one.