Ep184. LEILA NAVABI / Birthdays, Babies & Biscuit Tins
00:00Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market.Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year.Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets.Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid.Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online.Hello, it's Helen Bauer from Trusty Hogs, which you're currently listening to.Guess what? I don't just podcast. I also do stand-up comedy, my own stand-up comedy. On tour,it's called Bless Her, but not like Bless Her as in She Just Need, as in like, oh, bless her.
00:45But I was going to write, oh, forget about it. I'm coming to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.I'll be there every day, apart from the days I'm not doing, at Monkey Barrel at 320.I don't remember which days I'm not doing.Thank you for trying, Catherine.Something to do with Mondays, probably.I'm doing September gigs.I'm doing October gigs.I'm doing November gigs.
01:05Name a place in the UK.I'm probably going there.Tickets on my website.Please come.God bless you.Love you.Bye.Hello and welcome to episode 184 of Trustee Hogs.
01:15Not only has Helen already looked in the bagand asked before I could even introduce the episodeif she's getting her a gift yet,you got to relax.Because this episode's coming out in May,but for us in real lifeit was my birthday March 25th last weekI know but I want my gift
01:31can we explain to the list of we're getting ahead of ourselvesbecause I am going filming in landssnow in Tenerife got to remember which islandI can say I'm going filming in TenerifeI can't say what it's for I'm very excitedbut at this point I imagine in Mayyou'll all be like muting me because I'll be likelook at the sea look at the sun
01:47look at the sand and so I expect that you won't know where I ambut it's there I'm still thereand consequently yes we had to get ahead ofourselves and my god we've been packing in the episodes i can see it in your eyes you're not blinking you're not listening you're just like give me the gift give me the gift give me the gift give me the gift of your instagram now and it's just going to be like a proper old school naughty's live laugh laugh it really is and i bet you're gonna pick up a little thing to take some of the sand home with you because i can't even post what i'm doing so it's not like i can be like here's me and the cast it's just going to be me being like beautiful sunset all we'll say is robert de nero is involved oh yeah i'm glad we said that it is robert denaro and julia of course but noPlease don't ask you about Meryl. Please don't ask you about Meryl.Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs.Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them.Or maybe they won't and that's your problem.
02:44They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech.Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hog.Trust the trusty horns or maybe notLet's just get this over and done withso that you can actually hear me the rest of the episodeI'm 34 nowHappy birthdayThank you so much
03:06How much should you spendOh my bag, the bag is tornLook at that, I'm sorryThat is a reused bag, I apologiseBut it's just good for the environment in itOh my God, there's three parts to wearTo say how much did I spendOh my God, I just heard that
03:18The audacityGod how much did you spendOh my GodWell I did go to the nice placeI went to Hay, which is my favorite, like, it's going to be nice, H-A-Y. It's a nice interiors place.Is this a biscuit tin?Open it.Oh, my God.
03:35There are no biscuits in there, I should say, though.Oh, oh.But you could put them in.Oh, my God, I love it.Isn't it pretty?That's so, it matches my scrunchy.Yay.That's a pink and red biscuit tin or a cake tin.
03:48You can put it in.It's a tin container, please.Isn't it pretty?Oh my God, I love it.I love it.You know, I'm going to put in that.What?Things.
03:54And this is for things as wellAnd also like maybe pastaIsn't that a gorgeous pasta tin?Could you imagineDecanting pasta into this?Don't mind if we doI'd have to take a picture of how long I was cooking it forBecause I can never remember that shit
04:09But yeahIt'll be more funSlimeAnd then you put your finger into itAnd then it all goes up your armOh my GodI should have gone somewhere cheaperIt's a moisturise machine
04:18It's a moisturising machineYou fill it up with hand lotionYou dip your hand into itYou come outYou're ready to goThat's for a wankThat's for just post-dischwashing.You ruin everything.
04:27No, I don't.It's a hand.You ruin everything.I have a creative mind.Just put some pasta in it like a normal person.You absolutely learn.But who decants pasta?I do.
04:37Well, that's why I thought you buy it.Do you?No.Honestly, look me in the hand.Yes, I put it in glass jars.You know I do.They're up on the wine racks.I paint and stuff to the wall.
04:46You do that, but then you don't use that pasta because past.No, I do use that pasta.You get it down?Yeah, of course.Otherwise it goes off.pasta does not go offwell I mean if it's not there for long enoughyeah I would just use it true
04:59I love them Catherineit seems like you don't need them but I am gladto like them okay goodthis is my favouritewhat's thisit's a chopping boardoh my god I love this colourisn't the most beautiful shopping board
05:11you've ever seen in your whole lifeCatherine this is so grown upI went treats I was like you know whatif you're going to have your own kitchen in your own flatyou should have a really bougie chopping boardthat's lilacand I've already got a wooden pig one you knowfrom the girl who played
05:25the pregnant womanin the Spice Girls moviewellSo this will go with itYes yes my stuffwill accompany that stuffI love itYay I'm glad you're like
05:37Absolutely no fear ofHelen Baer opening the cardBefore she opens the giftsDon't you worry about themDo I have to open it full stop?No you don't even have to open itForget itNo I take it home and put it on displays
05:47People know I'm popularThat's importantIt is importantI genuinely think thatI agreeWhat's the point of getting cardsif you're not like sticking in my mouth for everyone to see that you get cards.Oh my God, I cannot wait to put things in these.
05:58Fun!I put scrunchies in this tin.Oh, you could do that.You could use them for makeup.And then...You could do makeup brushes, you could do any kind.Makeup just diving in for them.Yes.
06:07Now, I will think of something for this.You could do Epsom salts.You could put in a bathroom.It could be in a bathroom.That you've charmed me.Yeah?You've charmed me.Yeah.
06:16But you decant some Epsom salts is that?Yeah.But, but not just plain Epsom salts with lavender smell.Yeah.Wouldn't that be nice?Oh my God.I love it.But then you probably couldn't reuse it for food.
06:25But hey, look, you got it.Thank you.Oh my God, it's got a teapot on it.I know, it's so cute.Happy birthday and huge congratulations on buying a home.I'm so proud of you and well done.I hope it's a happy, cozy, joyful place to live.But if she opens it, she's going to read it on the podcast.
06:40Thank God I just remember anything sexy.Oh, no, I can't read the rest of it later.Oh, my God.Speaking of sexy, can we talk about the extras?You sound like my girlfriend.Are we going to see your mom?No, I was going to say, can we talk about, are we still dating?we're talking the extra
06:55rightoh my godshe knows how to get a producerto join the Patreonum sexyyes mother's daythank you'm glad you enjoyed your giftsI got my mom
07:06well two thingswe had a lovely timeI got her some Joe Maloneperfume because moms loveJoe Malonebut you're a good daughterthe other thing to say ismy favorite candle company
07:17Earl of Eastnot sponsoredjust my favorite candle companyhave started to makethe most beautiful car freshenersthis might not seem like a big deal to youbut you know likeall car fresheners are bad
07:30like they always have theapart from like really expensive onesthey always have like they're always like appleI love the smell of appleno but it's like it's like chemical appleyou're like oh like that I can't dealwith it they all make me feel a bit sickbecause I get car sick anyway
07:44but these are just the most beautifulsubtle delightful delightfulfeminine sense and I'm so excited so I didbut also buy my mother a car freshenerwhich I could tell she was like whatbut then she put it in her car and she was like okay and i was like okay so that's basically and you tookthem to island i took them to ireland you're a good daughter well we were going home for four days whichwas so lovely i bet um had the best experience ever my sister planned this beautiful day out with myself
08:10um karen and my best friend at home karen and my girlfriend ellen and my sister ellen and i went tothis place called sauna box in shakor and it's in dublin city can i guess what it is yeah it'sa sauna in the shape of a box and they also do waters with lemon slices in them close it's threedifferent saunas damn it and three different plunge pools at different temperatures and you go in for anhour and it's so lovely first of all there were like 12 women in here every single Irish woman in thereall wore black you cannot get the 90s out of us we think it's slimming and we're going to commitso we're black in a sauna we were all wearing black swimsuits okay it was just like it was like justchildren of the 80s being like, is this cute?
08:52And you're like, oh, good Lord.Literally two, no woman in color.I was like, are all these women in mourning?Is this a funeral sauna?But we went in and it was just so nice for Ellen to see like proper Irish culture becausethere were these lads in.I think they were, they'd been doing the like Dublin City half the day before my brotherdid the Dublin City half.
09:09Well done, Peter.Well done Peter.But so these lads were all in and they were like putting the water on the stones, you know,like you do in a sauna.I have seen fun.And every single time they'd be like,And who Pope's being elected now, last?And you're just there like,
09:26Ha ha ha ha.Honestly, we were.We were.I'm with her, but I'm also bisexual.Oh, no, no.She was like, ah, ha.We were having a great time.We were absolutely charms.
09:34Did you slip and, like, put your hand on their legs?I think you're now mistaking me for you.But we had a nice time.We had a gorgeous time.Oh, no.No, we did.We had a gorgeous time.It's like a torso.
09:46It was genuinely.It was a really giving Irish.It was gorgeous.We went into a copy.up afterwards and a woman who'd been thereapproximately two seconds was saying to the waiternow I'm sorry about this my friends lateI'm not meaning to take up any space here I'm not even meaning to take up
09:57this table I swear to go to you know what I'll ordera coffee I'll order two coffees I'll order coffee in a sconeI'll order two coffees in a scone and if she comes hereshe comes here she comes here she only lives on the roadand this woman comes in the door and she's like where have you beenI was like you've been here for honestly two and a half minutesso yeah it was a nice cultural exchangeyeah we had a gorgeous time my mother true to Irish
10:15mother fashion spent the entiretyof Mother's Day not letting us stand up oreven pour ourselves a glass of water she did everything she was in my mama hosting mode a woman's job it's awoman's job yeah yeah yeah and we did say that but um we had a gorgeous time you always do so well a mother's dayi i remember to do a card this year well done my mom and i was like i wrote a card and i was like this islovely i got one that had like a blank message inside because i couldn't find a mother's day one thatdidn't feel like a bit sarcastic yeah like there was one that said like you're the mummy the welldeserves and like a little bear hugging and I was like we've had too many fights where like that's
10:52do you know what I mean like I'm not my brother went and got me that's the one thing I didn't get wasa card and I was like here when you're going in when he grabbed me one and he was like I took allmy strength not to buy the one that was like had a cat on and was like mommy you're perfect and I wasso yeah it's tricky to avoid to really cringe they're all bad and I just wrote like dear mom likehappy mother's day thanks for everything you do um sorry that I can be so per trickysometimes ha ha ha ha ha and then i was like yep misjudged it immediately gave it to her in person becausethey saw her like the day before because my family came and saw a flat and i was like oh this is fortomorrow and twitter thank so much and i get a text from up being like i wouldn't say you're
11:32true oh for god saying and she's trying to be nice but it's just us once again just not quite aligningit's chips in the night in it i've done it again i've misjudged the situation wait rewind your familycame to see your flat.Yes.Did you manage to do itwithout giving your sister a key?We, oh my God, Catherine.I feel like we have to dive into this next week.
11:54There's so much going onat the moment with the flat.So it's my birthday.Yes.So.Any good gifts?You know what?Yes.
12:03Imagine if you're like, no.I have.Yes.Your gift.Thank you.Up there.Yay.Francis.
12:12What did I do for my birthday?What did they get you?made me a lamp.What?Made me a lamp.And on the theme, Agrabah,because that was originally my decorating theme,I'm now being distracted by a lot of different colours.
12:29It's got, quite frankly, out of hand.Agrobar.And I'm not quite willing to open up about it.Okay, fine.Agribar was my original flat theme.If anyone confused right now, that is Aladdin.So I want you to picture the Sultan's Palace with a sunset in the background.That was the flat theme.
12:45Agrabah.And they've made you a lamp to thatand you've already changed the theme.I think I might have, yeah.So they may be.Do you know who you should get that mother's egg card?Francis.Sorry about being kind of tricky.
13:02Wait, what kind of lamp do they make.They're teaching themselves how to marble,buying all the equipment, making all these lamps,and they're incredible.And I was like, my fat themes, Agri-bar made me a bespoke marbled lampon the theme Agrabar.And I love it.Yeah, are you kidding.
13:17I have a picture.I'll put it on my, oh my God, yes.I'll send it to Andrew to put on Instagram me.And it's so, so good.I love it, I love it, I love it.And then Sineal has promised me a,he gave you an I-O-U.You know what?
13:32We've just had like, just dramawith this whole, like moving out a couple of weeks with Sineal.Why drama?Did I tell you about the bowl?No, but I did see a sort of pass-ag thing on Instagramfrom who?Where is Sineel put up a picture of himself.was no sofa and it felt like
13:47it felt like dude you could have plannedthat the sofa was going it was obviously her sofabut it felt like he was acting like some ofabandoned child and I was like my guy you had somuch warning it's crazy you ordered afucking weightlike weight bench yeah different weightsweight stands you didn't want to think maybe
14:03I'll grab a sofa no so I just felt likeit was it felt performative and it felt patheticand I took the picture but there's no referenceto that I was the one that took this performative pictureof like oh helen's taking everything it just felt like get a grip you know what i mean like just grow upso i thought our last days together which was so i moved in the day before my birthday yeahand woke up on my birthday in my new flat had a sleep over with francis shout out francis and senilcame over that night but he was like i think he was struggling to say goodbye to me he's now made
14:36it clear that that was not the case right we have between us he'll say he owns it because he didbuy it and he did bring it to the flat but I useit more. The most perfectbowl. It sounds like he bought it and brought itto the flat. Please be on my sideand believe women. Please believeher. Let's see. Believe her.Let's see. Just like an optics thing I think just believe her in general.
14:58Let's just see. Okay. You know those bowls which are just likepasta, cereal. Just to check in sorry. Just a circle back. Hepicked it out. Paid for it and brought him. At somepoint in 2019, Sunilbought the perfect bowl before.we lived together. Oh, before you even live together? Yeah. Okay, so he's a historic claim on the bowlthat he bought and paid for and chose. Yeah, and he has an emotional attachment to it becausethroughout lockdown there was a period where he lived alone and all he had was that one bowl. And if
15:27he wasn't eaten from that bowl, he was eating over the bin. Oh, well, that's beautiful. So that reallyit means a lot to him. Okay. I need you to be on my side on this. I don't think I will be. We thenmove in together, Circa, what was it? 2020. 22. Circa 2022, let's say.And the bowl comes with him.I'm immediately enchanted.It's charming.It's Robert Dias.Robert Dias.
15:48Yeah.About $3.95.It's just per...The lips on it.He'd probably know the exact pricebecause he paid for it.Holds heat in well.Yeah, yeah.
15:57The bowl's perfect.I then, from that point onwards,use it probably twice a day.Don't know why you're doing a different accent.Twice a day for...It does not change the facts.I'll be honest, Vivier.Go on.
16:11Twice a day for three years.right right and I love it and it comes to me moving out and I say it's my birthday and I'm buying aflat I should have a gifty which is something I've said to a lot of men in my life actually itturns out this last couple of weeks and I want the bowl that's all I want I just want the bowlhe has a tantrum goes and slags me off on his podcast I'm not joking I would be totallywith him yeah I wouldn't have a tantrum I'd just be like no but go on and then he's like just buyyour own bowl. And I'm like, they don't, they don't sell it anymore. They do not sell that exactbowl. Who got the bowl? I know it's you because he'll relent. He bought it. Who ended up with
16:52the bowl? He bought me two bowls that he says are the same, but they're not the same. And then hebought himself one of them to prove that he's part of it as well. It's not exactly the same. Did he keephis bowl? Yeah, he kept his bowl. So Neil Patel, if you're listening to this, having said you'repathetic and performative, which I stand by in relation to the couch business, let me say this. I'm impressedI genuinely don't thinkthat most people could stand upto hell and bear in that contextand I genuinely
17:15Excuse me if I makeNo exactly how is he putting over thatSo NeilThat's some backbone my guyWell doneWow he really withstood thisYeahI think he's dead right
17:26And it's his bowl my guyBut thenSorryAnd it's been a bit rough actuallyHe bought you two bowlsThat's so nice of himSo I was likeAll I want is a ball for my birthday
17:36And then I was likeOh shitAnd this was like a week before I movedAnd I was like oh shitI should remind my dadIt's my bedbirthday next week so it's not too much of a crushing disappointment yeah so i rung him up and i was like oh hi michael it'shelen you know helen the second one yeah blonde hair yeah your fat daughter oh yeah helen
17:53the fat behave yourself go on and i was like oh just just so little reminder it is my birthday next weekand he went oh fuck so fuck it again my sister's in the background he doesn't know and then i was like ohI'm also getting the keys to the first flat I've ever bought next week.And from what I understand it, is traditional for parents to buy not only a birthday gift fortheir child, but also a housewoman gift.He went, oh, you've got to be fucking joking me.That's fucking insane.Like something about millennials hangs up.
18:29He actually says something about millennials.Yeah, five minutes later, I get a message to say, send a link.Send a link.I wish people in my house would ask for a link.all I want is for people to buy me things I actuallywant. So I send him a link to Catherineyou're going to be charmed. 3.9 litresaround 4 litres obviously
18:47cast iron, casserole dishit can be on the stovetop, it can go in the ovenbeautiful. Hello, everyone needs onefrom which company? Procook£59.com. Completely reasonable. Charmed.What a lovely... That's a combie gift.Oh my God, even more reasonable. Right? But I'm goingfor it. I'm taking a risk. Let's go for it.
19:06Send in the link, it's super easy.What follows is about four phone callsabout that with him being like can i get it in an actual shop have a look you live near brightonbrighton's got a lot of shops maybe just order it online maybe just order it online well if youorder it online you can get delivered to your place because you're going to be driving up to see methe following weekend how about we do that arrives gets out the car and i'm like oh do you havethe cassero dish i haven't got around to he yet he didn't even do it he didn't do itJesus Christ
19:36I gave him so much warninginsaneWhy doesn't he just send you a voucher for the website thenBecause because ofOr his card, his literal card details at this pointWould be quickerHe thinks I took the roasting of himToo far
19:51Do you remember when I turned 30 and I was likeYou have to get me a 30th birthday presentYou can't skip oneAnd he got you 25 poundsEmines spoutreWhich was outright, just just round upI remember just round up MichaelJust round off
20:03Yeah25 pound eminette's crazyIt's crazy.I was so close, Michael.You were so close.It would have been less hurtful if it was 20.I wonder why mum left you.You know why.
20:15It was definitely because at book club,someone taught the phrase mansplaining.Nothing to do with the six years of no eye contact.Come on, man.I know, it's tough.Step it up.It's top.So nothing learned.
20:25Nothing learned.But I had a lovely birthday and I ate pizzaand I went for a nice breakfastand I've been charmedby a local like greengrocers near me.my god heaven it's so good to have a local one and also good to be charmed by them what's theirvibe um tomatoes say no more say no more you don't adopt yourself that's too specific pleaseshall we welcome our guests oh my god let's do it let's do it please happy birthday to all of us and
20:52and especially especially happy birthday to our lovely guest today it's layla the bobby woohooFeel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market.Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup out of lunchboxes all year.Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets.Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid.Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online.I've got a story about Jaina, lots.Wait, Helen's reading Jainer, you've got a story about Jainer.
21:43Well, let's get into it. What is it?The story of Jena, I read Jainer when I was 12.Right.Which is, I think, quite young to read.It is pretty, it's pretty advanced.And I, she was, like, my first crush.I was, like, so in love with Jena, the concept of Jainer.So cute.
21:57Like, really got, like, properly obsessed of Jena.What was the about the concept of Jena that you loved?Like, she's just, like, doesn't give a shit.Dead parents.Yeah, yeah.Like, like, mommy problem, saddie problem.Love it, love it, love it, yeah.I just was really into the concept of her.
22:10And I like, mate, like, it was a real, real problem.Like, how I was so cute.But also I couldn't say, also, I didn't know that I was in love with her.Oh, yeah, oh my God, the amount of women in books I was in love with them.And then I was like, I just love reading.I just love, yeah, yeah, yeah.I just loved, yeah, yeah, I didn't even love reading.I do read way less now that I'm gay.
22:27Yeah, I don't need that.I'm fulfilled in my life.I'm not fulfilled.Do gay is not read?No, no, we do read, but I just mean like, I'm like, I'm not as intense than it.Loads of them do.Yeah, I'm not, it's not like, it's for the boys and I'm joking.I listen to, yeah, I listen to audio books.
22:42I'm not, yeah.I am reading Jane Eyre, but also listening to Tandy Newton,reading Janeair at the same time.I've been like a cultural remedy.Sometimes I'm sleepy, so I have the book and I've got my audible open,and Tandy Newton's doing what the voices, and I'm just starting pages.That's, like a.child learning to read.
23:02Did she change her name to Tandywa?Did Tandyway?And then didn't you do something like weirda few years ago?I can't remember what it was.Wait, what's her name?Just where I get it right?It was in a theme of Klanosue.
23:12Tandyway.Love it.She spoke about her.It was like she's, I can't remember what she did.Anyway.Well, she's read Jena.She's read.Oh my gosh.
23:21She's read the audio book.I thought you were readinga tan Tadena used a bookand then also reading Jenasimultaneously.And I was like, is that notwhen I am, yeah.oh no no sorry yeah
23:32she's reading Janeairso you're also reading itand then you're also listeningyeahlike in schoollike when a teacher reads a bookexactlyoh my god that's so good
23:40Layla welcome to ournot all confusingpod yeahso we're a moreJaneair question of both of youokay I don't we get tohow is Laylabut sure yeah yeah
23:48yeah I'm fineyou goodyeahdid you watch the CharlotteGainsbergJaneair film growing upthe one with Anna Pacquinthat was like my
23:57so I know what happenedoh you know the bookokayI knowI know, I know about Bertha.I don't want to spoil it.I had an idea of what Jane I looked like in my head and I didn't want it.I know.
24:06I know what you mean.Oh my God.When I, to be fair, it was fine.When I first watched little women, I was like, oh, don't fuck it up.Mainly because I was obsessed with Teddy.Oh, yeah.Because I was like, please don't mess it up.That's hideous.
24:18Yeah.Well, I know, but now it's fixed.Now I know it's Joe.So that's fixed.I've been fixed the other way.Congratulations.Thank you so much.Layla.
24:26Hi.Hello.How are you?I'm like, so good.I'm like,wow and you're like from L.A. I'm fine. I'm like really nice. I feel great because I've notgot. I'm really nice. I've got a baby in me anymore. I know so the last time I saw you you wereyou looked no but you were at like um it might you were my favorite kind I'd not really seen
24:47pregnancy done through androgyny before and it was so beautiful in a way but also so fascinatingto see that how that translates is football fan by which I mean Lela when heavily pregnantwould just, at the greeting of every person,just pull their top up.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, yeah.I never felt so confident in showing my belly, number one.I'm like, look at it, like, I feel my belly.
25:11And now I'm like, don't look, no one look at that.But it was so wonderful, because it was so like,oh, oh, yeah, look, yeah, because also it's one of those things.I'd rather be like, this is a, there's a baby.It was really funny.And I, like, it wasn't like, do you know,it wasn't like I just put on weight.I, like, had this, like, I don't want anyone to think,
25:26oh, she got a tumor, which I know that's, but do you know what?Like, I looked unwell.I looked sick.Like, those are the two options.Baby or tumour.And I'm like, I don't, I think people, because I'm a lesbian.It's really important to clarify that your belly isn't a tumour.If it's a baby.
25:40If it's a baby.And, yeah, I know what you mean.If you're gay, you do want to be like, I know about this, by the way.Yeah, I know.People, because people don't assume it.So they're like, well, that can't be a baby.So you must be dying.I'm so sorry.
25:50Yeah.You've got to reassure them.Yeah, that was my technique.Well, I loved it.I loved you stomping around pregnant, furious about it the whole time.I hated.I hated it.How's the baby, though?
25:59Oh my God.It's so good. It's so good.The experience, not it.I'm not calling my baby, it.I'm just saying the experience of having a baby is so good.If you're listening and you're thinking,Leila, you sound and look so young.She is.
26:10Yeah, 26.How annoying.But 26.Yeah, which I think everyone's like,when you're a teen mom,I'm like, I would,this is going to sound, I love my child,I love me.
26:20I don't get over with.Oh, yeah, yeah.I'm like, let me just do that now.And then when I am 46,I will have a 20-year-old best friendthat I have made in,my image, sort of. She's got blue eyesand is blonde. She's weirdly white,
26:31eh? Yeah. It seemsunjust, given you carried around. The spermowner is white, but he's also, like, dark,he's a friend, so he's got, like, dark hairand dark eyes, and it's like... Also,it's your egg, man, you carried it the whole time.Yeah, I did, yeah, I did it the whole time.Seems wrong. I think... So I had, like,
26:48a weird fertility experience.I had, like, less eggs than they thought I would have, basically,which is also why. Check. Is it okayfor us to talk about all this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay, great. Oh, yeah. Well, the reason I'm like... Well, well, the reason I ask,is because I'd love to talk about itand also even as a 36 year oldlesbian, I'm still like
27:03I don't really know that many lesbianswho've had babies so I am always like I have too manyquestions so only say what you want to talk aboutI'm like I've written a play about thisso there will be... How many eggs do you have in you?Like not enoughlike how many eggs is enoughhow many do we want to have?
27:19Eggs do you find eggs? Okay so whenhow do they count them? That's an interesting questionright? Is it law of averages or is it likean egg carting thing when they move them around?Did they shake and listen?I wish they would shake me like a Maraca.No, it's a Maraca.No, that is Maraca.
27:33Okay, so, I hope that wasn't culturally insensitive.No.And a minute ago, I told you it was so unfortunate that your baby's white.So I think we're past.It is really important.How many fucking eggs you have?Right, so.So, welcome to the pod.
27:48Thank you.I love being here.I also have a story about your pod, which is that I used to listen to it while I waspregnant because I couldn't watch anything.So I had to like just listen to podcast because I felt so sick.so I couldn't watch anythingand I used to listen to Trustee Hawksand now I can't listen to it anymore
27:59because it makes me feel sickit's like Pavlov's dogso I'm like here nowlike hoping like exposure therapyoh wowso that's it is weirddo you need a bucket or anythingno no no I'm good I'm good
28:12I'm fine nowhow manyhow many eggsthey told me I had barely anyand that I neededso me and Priya is my partnerI think she's been onshe has been on here
28:23my partner and Iwent on a bog off offerto a facility clinicbecause she was party nine and turning 30 and was like panicking about her eggs and I was likeI'm so yeah they won't be fine but we'll go because it was a bog off so we could both get ourfertility checked if we went together that is such a good deal so that's a tip go togetheryou should go together if you're like group on yeah it's a group but like a lesbian group onbasically incredible I would love to have us have our eggs counted together I don't want to
28:48make it weirdly competitive I think I already feel quite stressed about it yeah no but it isI know you walk in there and but also I was like I'll be fine and she's like oholder than me.You were like 24.I was 24 and she was 29.It's a six year age gap.Sexy.So what we did
29:04was go to this facility clinicand theychecks everything out on both of uswhich the way they do thatis there's two thingsto do blood tests,boring and they check a levelof a hormone called
29:13the anti somethingit's called AMHand it correspondsto how many eggsyou likely have in youbecause of the hormone.They also putwhat is essentially
29:23it's like a dildowith a camera on itand they have had one of thoseyeah yeah and they just like checkand see what the vibe is folliclesso they so someone is going in with the cameraand having a countsort of but they're counting
29:36no they're checking you it's confusingthey check how many sacks you've gotwhich is the sacks of the eggsremember they might not be in the eggs in the sacksso long story shortI had like a normal level of sackslower but normal level of sacksPriya had like an optimum amazing level of sacks
29:52like she was like the most fertilethey were like oh my god well doneAnd I was like,mm.Wait,how many sacksshould a womanhave inside her?
29:59Don't,it can't be another thingto be insecure about us.Don't wait.Don't wait.As far as I was like,176.I didn't even know
30:05I had a fucking sackinside me full stop.This is all quite overwhelmingactually, Catherine.How do you think the lesbians feel?What a sentence?Yeah.No, it is.
30:13Look me in the eyeand tell me I've gotsacks inside my cunt.You have got, I hope you've gotsex inside.I really hope,I wish, that's what I felt like,like, that is what I said
30:21to the doctor, basically.And she was like,And then she did my blood, the blood, so the blood results came back on my AMH, which I can't remember the numbers exactly, but it needs to be between 20 or 30, let's say. Preas was like 29 and mine was like three. And they were like, so if you want your eggs out of you, you need to get them out now because they can, and if you want to have a baby like biologically. The plan was always I would use my eggs. We'd mix them with our sperm and then put them into my partner because she like has been dying to wear maternity dresses since she was born basically. Do you know what to me? She dresses very similar to me, which is like, they could probably, theseThese could probably do if I was pregnant anyway.Yeah, yeah.We're giving first trimester, I get that.Go on.And I'm like, you know, a genderless gremlin.
31:02Like I didn't want to like, you know, anyway, long story.You were never meant to have to do it.I was never meant to have to do this.So we mixed.So they said, right, let's get your eggs out of you.We spent 15,000 pounds, which is all of our savings on having the eggs removed from,trying to have the eggs removed my body.So you have to buy all this medication.
31:22How do they get them out?Well.They set them out with a hoover, like a little tiny hoover.I fucking knew it, like a Dyson, like a Henry head.Like a very tiny.But for like fabrics.I don't know because I didn't get to that point, which I'll get to.But more like a dentistry hoover, I much.
31:37Like small, like like a...Oh, for when you've got over saliva and you...Over saliva.Yeah.You get a wet mouth.Yeah, wet mouth, wet mouth, you know what I mean?A wet mouth, okay, yeah, yeah.Yeah, so...
31:47And they get their eggs.So I have all these injections.I have to buy all the medicine first.I love for...I don't know what this is.I'm thinking about a hoover going inside my sack.Yeah, no.Don't think about that.
32:01Don't, never think about it.Okay, I'm thinking about it happening in both of your bodies.Stop thinking about it. Just listen to Layla.If you can.They sucked it out. No, they didn't suck out.They didn't get to that point.They, um, I had all these injections to stimulate the eggs.So basically you release one egg a month on your period, right?
32:15You release one egg a month.That egg happens and then it goes, you don't want to use it.So what this hormone, what this injection does is make all of the eggs that could,all the follicles that you have that month.Yeah.Release.Like popcorn.I feel like release.
32:31Oh, fun.Yeah, like popcorn.Yeah.So it's like,no, I'm not following this.So you've got like loads of eggs.Instead of one egg going into your uterusand then being cleared away by your period,
32:39you have,you go, hey lads, everybody send an eggand they send multiple eggs.So all the sacks,all their eggs.Yes.Into your uterus.Every single one you've got.
32:46No.Into your uterus or into your fallopian tubes.I'm not a doctor.I wish I knew.Into the vagina.Into the vagina.the mins.Or your eggs drop into your minge.
32:56Definitely not that.Again, that would be,I wish that is how this was.No, it's not.I suspect into your uterus, but go on.Expent to your uterus.So the idea is,but you have like 15 follicles and like
33:08this is so wrong medically,but I'm just it's fine.Say 15 follicles a month.Don't write in.Don't write in.15 follicles,they all become eggs,hopefully, if all being well,
33:18and then they go,so you have that many follicles.Anyway, whatever.I had all these injectionsand then they sort of do anotherfield-o thing to checkhow they're growingand they said...
33:28So they go back in with the cameraand look and see how the follicles.To start off with,I think I had seven follicleswhich is less...You kind of want to have like 20.I had seven.And so they're like, great, seven follicles.
33:39So like, feasibly,they could all have eggs in themand then you have seven eggsand then you freeze the eggs.They measured itand they were like,only one egg has likebecome like an egg
33:51and the other one is like half become an egg.And I was like, right, so we're 15 grand in, and I've got all this medication.So I was like, right, so what now?And they were like, we could remove that one egg,but the likelihood is like, once you remove the eggs,it becomes like half as likely that they'll survive.And then once you freeze them and put them into a thing,it's unlikely.
34:09Oh, so you're on a spunk hunt all of a sudden?But no, they're like, we don't want to take the egg out of you.And also, like, that's...Oh, so you need spunk to go in you immediately.Well, that's what I thought may be,but I was like also not thinking about that.Or turkey based are really fast.I think.
34:23Yeah, well.Well, what was your thought process?My thought process was we should, like,they were like, we just think we should cut our lossesbecause that egg probably has no quality in this fact.So good, but they were like,if we don't do the operation, the Hoover,if we don't do the Hoover,
34:36then you can have £5,000 back of your £15,000.So I went, yeah, let's take the money.I'm like, when they put that money back in my account,I did feel like I had one deal or no deal.I was going to say, who, it feels very like,bank.Yeah.It was like, bank.
34:52Yeah, yeah.I'll take the money, Chris.I'll take the money, Chris, please, God.Yeah, yeah, it's like, one deal, no dealwhen they're at the final boxand they're like, I guess I'll just take the $5,000.That is where I was at.So that was terrible.
35:03Then I went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,just in 2020, for the whole month.No, what goes there well?It's like no one finds our podcastwhen they're feeling good.No one goes to the Edinburgh Fringe when they're well.No, right. Really bad.And normal thing to do, just go and spaff the $5,000.
35:16Yeah, did think about that.Didn't. Yeah, well, yeah, actually,it did it at the fridge.Anyway, it doesn't matter.So that didn't work.Long story. Anyway, long term. We are genuinely enthralled and I asked. Yeah. So then they put,then I say to the clinic people, how much does it cost? I said, will you put our friend's spermin me? And they said, no, because you're no longer eligible for facility treatment because you have
35:38failed this version. And I was like, okay. They were like, so what we can do is you could carryprehist genetic material. We can mix her egg with the sperm and put it in you. And that would be acool 20K? And I was like, yeah, like another, I was like, no. And also I don't like beingpregnant isn't something I likeI would like us both to be involvedbut I really don't want to be pregnantso let's just not do thatand then we tried it a few times with Priya
36:01and then... Tried what?Oh yeah, okay, so...So... Yeah, I know the answer to what I asked anyway.I don't!Try what, try what, babe!I was like, right, so...Oh, like, stuff and something in there.Stuffing what in there?
36:18So, like, they said, do you...It's best not to guess, I think.No, I've got a guess that.I wouldn't get, so they, they said, like, I would say, right,so what if we just put the sperm into pre-air?How much does that cost?And they said seven thousand pounds, seven thousand pounds.And I was like, how, the question, the big question we posed is,
36:35for, yeah, for IUI, basically, or whatever it is, right?And so, and it'll cost more when you use a known donor because they can't make more moneyoff that person, because he's only, anyway.So, they said, being a queer parent is slightly tricky.It's very, it's very difficult, unless you've got brilliant friends,because what happened next was, we were like, is it worth seven thousand,pounds to like avoid awkwardness.To just not ask a friend.
36:57Because we've got, but we had him anyway.He was going to be the swim's owner in any case.And we were like seven thousand pounds for him to not jizz in a cup in our spare room.Yeah, okay, yeah.Because this is, and this is in the play I've written, plug, is we have like jam jars in our house.Yeah.And we have a spare room and a friend.Here we go.
37:14And if you go, if you go to boots and you say you've got a large Alsatian that you need to feed medicine to,that they'll give youa really long syringelike a really big long stringmy friend did itwith a turkey baster and had a kidyeah you can do itanyway
37:29I don't think we should giveany sort of medical adviceon the podcastbut go aheadit's your wholeyou can put anythingI didn't do itI think do it if you want
37:36to do it anywayso we trieddo a pretty a few timesit just wasn't working basicallyit just didn't workdidn't workand thenpre was like
37:43I like I want a break from thisand I was likeit's exhausting to keep tryingit was a thingand pre was likeshould we just put it in you this timeand I was like why because I'm infertile like that's not going to work and she was like I think you're like are you doing like a get out situation are you trying something here because you should both be trying this really and they didn't say you were infertile they said that they you didn't have many eggs no they didn't mean any eggs and I was ineligible for fertility treatment and I was like fight and put it in me also I had to like ask his permission be like do you mind if you put it in me like I think he must imagine if he said no it's like oh no that was just for good batch it's a good back yeah no no no no no that's a good back yeah no no no noneeds to go no yeah I don't want it's like you put flowers in a vase and your mom's like oh that
38:25fast you like Christ yeah yeah get the good fast anyway so then we so we put it in me whichwas I have so many things to say about this and then four weeks later I was pregnant with ourchild the first time the first time and the gag is do you know how lesbian you have tobe to have sperm set your own fertile body once and that's the big gag so then now INow I have a child.Wow.Do you know what?Being 25, who...
38:5726 now.I was that you've born the day after my birthday.So it was just 26.Crazy.And what's she like?This angel child who came to you upon one go.A white, blonde hair, loud.I said all this to, like, Priya, was like, you know,
39:11did you speak to Priya about this?And you were like, she's me?Probably.I feel like that's what you said.I saw Priya, like, a couple of weeks going to the show together.Sometimes she says to me,Come on Helen Bauer, like, talks to our baby.And it's like, come on, Helen Bauer.
39:24Okay, no, we did not talk like that.Wait, what's wrong?What's, what's baby doing?What are we doing?She's very tall.She's very tall, she's blonde and she's got blue eyes.And she's also, like, very, like, charismatic and lively, lively.Okay, what's she done?
39:37She's just, like, is she sleeping?No.She's screaming?She talks to herself.She talks to herself.And, like, she doesn't talk, obviously, she's three months up, but she, like, babbles to herself.That's so sweet.It's fair.
39:47It's very, it's very, she's not.Go on her.I don't.she'll be going blah blah blah blahCome on HelenThe name isThe name is not HelenWatch out for that
39:56I got expelled from Kresh as a babyYou've got to watch out for itHowGot expelled from KreshWouldn't stop screamingMy mum came and got meAt the end of the dayI was like a proper babby babby
40:07And they wentShe cannot come backShe is not welcome hereThat's so muchAnd mum was likeYou just clearly have been cryingSolidly for like an hour and a halfAnd I was like
40:16YeahOh blessedOh my GodIt's quite funny that you're both quite surepeople and you've got this tall baby.But also, yes, but also.Oh, come on, that's not tall.She's not tall, but she's like taller than, I'm 5'1.
40:28Yeah, I'm 5, 5, 5, 8's tall to me.5, 8's tall to me.So she's quite tall. Yeah, I think it's because she's like so demure.No one thinks she's like tall, but she actually isvery tall. Yeah, wow. She's not very tall.She's not very tall. She's not very tall.You can tell for lesbians, we're like,58's pretty tall.
40:43Yeah, I love it. Yeah.She's tall for your tiny dots, okay?But at the end of the day, she's not welcome in my section of the drop, okay?people are all up. Really? Do you think that's likewhat's the cut off and tall? Five ten and up. Five ten up. Five ten up. Five nine. Howyou? Five eight six one. Six one. Okay. Yeah, fine. Fair enough. How tall iswhat's the upper limit? There's none. What do you mean the upper limit?High. Oh like there's a woman who's a giant. I'm like, you're all welcome. You're a fucking free.
41:09Too tall to take this right.Fine. If I'm a few moment push to it, six nine. I'd say, what the fuck's up in there?Wait. How do you feel, but how do you feel about being a parent now? Oh, likeIt's the best ever.The thing I worried about, right,is that, like, Priya's like, you know, like,go on.You know, like, in, like, every bit of media about, like, orphan children,
41:32they're always like, oh, I have this idea of Oliver or Matilda or Tracy Beaker.They're dreaming of Miss Honey being my mom.Yeah.Priya is that, right?She is, like, the dream, like, of course she should be a good mumbecause she, like, wears those dresses, she's very gentle,she's very comforting, very...She's a babe.
41:46She's, like, very good as a mother.I'm like, and I'm like, I'm not exactly.I'm not like Daddy Warb...Do you know what I mean?I'm not like, who am I?So it's like, you've got this wonderful mumand then like the little gremlinlike in the corner.
41:58Daddy Warbucks is an incredible father.Yeah, he is, but I'm not a dad.But that's the thing.It's like it's very hard to situate yourself.Yeah, I'm like, so what am I?Like, what am I going to give the child?Because it's not even like I'm a football lesbian.It's not even...
42:10Oh, really? Are you not?I'm really insulted that you thought I was a football lesbian.Why?Well, I've only dated football lesbians.So obviously I'm into them.Good for them, but like...I just mean like,You seem like you could like...
42:20Why is that relevant to anything?It's relevant in so far as it was a compliment, not of insults,that I would suppose that you were one.Never even knew there was a non-football lesbian.Yeah, exactly.Hello.I thought you were into football every time I say...Yeah, I follow football.
42:32You're bisexual?Bisexual.I am bisexual.But I thought, but in, for the purposes of talking about parents that I wasconceive of myself.Yeah, of course.But yes, um, I follow football, but I can't do any skills.I don't have any skills.
42:44I don't have any skill.I don't know.It's my evening off when Ellen goes.I thought football lesbian meant somebody watches and dies and like.No, it's somebody.has a teamit's like Ellen's a football lesbianand that's what means like Wednesdays
42:53are my night to myself in the houseI can't understandoh yeah no I justyou could teach them aboutare you a good cookyes yeah right okay coolso that's something I can doI will be all to cook
43:05but it is weird to sort of thinkwhen you don't have any queerI don't have any queer parentingmodelsit's weird to be likewhat am I what would I bewhat's my role in all thatultimately we're both doing
43:18is that the same thingwhich is just like cleaningpool. You're just servants. You're both servants.We're both servants. Yeah. Could yoube the drama musical theatre parent? Yesand I will be that. Because we're also Welshand so our whole life. Esteadford.Esteadfords. So like that is going to be a, I'm going to be
43:31an nice stethford, ma'am as well. What does that mean?That means. I just Bristol I stedford.It's a thing.What does it mean? Is it really? What did youwhat? What does it? It's a competition. It's like adrama festival. It's like a festival wherethere's lots of different artistic competitions.like singing choir singing clog dancing whatever and it's a big Welsh festival and it's like a big
43:54poetry competition and it's like all the children in all of Wales compete to be the best one the bestchild yeah yeah exactly exactly on S4C it all gets broadcast as well on the on the Welsh family channeldid you not see the clip of the girl who won last year yeah yeah yeah and it was like huge onlineoh my god I love to shop yeah it's so good the video of her winning and she'sSo she's a Welsh learner, so she's an English speakerand is learning Welsh as a second language.And so she did this poem and then the interviewerthis amazing woman called Marri Lovegreen was like,
44:29which I'm like, what a great name, Marri Love Green.Yeah, it's a great name.Really, really lovely.It was like, oh, like, oh, how are you feeling?Are you feeling great?And this girl just goes, I don't understand why you're saying.And it's just the best, it went quite viral.And now she's like, I will obviously check that out later on.
44:44Yeah, you have to watch it.She's Ruby, Ruby Davis.I will check that out, obviously.She's so brilliant.Like, I'm not going to meet her.I'm like, how do I?But also, it's not beyond the realm's possibilitythat we'll end up on some chat show
44:56when I'll see together.It's funny, she said, how do I meet her?And I'm like, I just was in Irelandand met literally everyone I've ever knownand then some, so you'll meet her.Exactly.Yeah, exactly.I can't wait.
45:05She's like 11, so that's weird.Just go shopping.She loves it.I would, yeah, exactly.Wait, so we need to train your babyto be, I said for baby.What are you thinking?Let's just pick a root.
45:13Dance, drama, singing.I'm thinking.Don't triple threat.Multi-hymed.I'm taking musical instruments.I want her to like play all the...I play piano, but I had to self-teach myself everything.My parents are like not artsy people.
45:27They're sciencey people.So I was like, I'm going to go and just teach myself piano.I'm sorry, did that.And I'm like, she'll never have to do thatbecause I will teach her.Imagine if she's like super sciencey.That would also be so coolbecause then she can just do all the math-y things in my life.
45:40That would actually be wicked.She can be my accountant.I would love...But I'm also like, of course she's going to be those like...Not artsy, I would love if she was just like...I think she's going to find...all deeply and cool because of what her parents do for a living.Yeah.
45:52Speaking of, you've written a play.I've written a play.I've been a play about that whole experience, yeah.Wait, so you're both going to Edinburgh Fringe this year.Whisk baby?Because you hate pain.Love pain, is what I mean.Because you love pain.
46:04He's going to love it.Edinburgh Zoo has a new pygmy hippo.That's it.As of a couple of months ago, it's called haggis.It's not Moodang.Was Moodang in Edinburgh?Is it too?No, no.
46:14Moodang's in Thailand.But there's been like four pygmy hippos born in the last year.because Moudeng took offall the zoos are tryingto make it happen.Oh my gosh.And Edinburgh's answer to that is haggis.I'm obsessed with that.
46:26That's really,were they like going extinct?Not going,like all animals are likein the,those animals are like going out.Including us.So there's been four pygmy hippos born
46:37and they're all trying to go viralbut haggis is so cuteand you and family are going to love.We will go.You're going to love.We'll go to that.Okay so.You buy me a fridge,
46:46I'll buy me a fridge,when you go.Thank you very much.Yeah, I will.I will come pretend it to you.Were you, Monkey Barrow?Yeah, I'll be staying at him.Yeah, fine, I will come and give it to you.
46:53He is a monkey bell, so I'll find, I'll find, I don't know what room she's in, but I'll comefind.So Priya's doing a stand-up show, and you've decided to write a play.Yeah, which means, sorry, have you written a play when pregnant or since you've had a baby,both of which are rude?Well, while I'm pregnant, yeah, well, pregnant, yeah.I was, well, what else was I couldn't do?I couldn't, I say, what else was, I was on tour with Nish.
47:14I was doing, actually.I never thought you stopped working.Yeah, no, I did work.because I was like, because everyone's scaremong because you're so badly that you'll neverwork again once you're pregnant, once you've had the baby. So I was like, right, so this is my lastto rat. So I need to write a play. And also like, I was like, I need to get everything done now.So I just, did people tell you that? Because I like, I know a lot of people who are like,oh, I'm pregnant. I'm not putting on social media because I don't know if I would say it. I don't
47:37know if I would say it. Yeah. Yeah. No, absolutely validly. Validly. I'd be scared.It was, I also couldn't not tell anyone because I was so, I was just throwing up everywhere IAnd also you were deeply concerned about the tumour rumour.Yes, the tumour rumour.Yeah, so I get it.The title of the place.Question, where does place you throw up?It was on yourself, wasn't it?
47:58It was on your own lap.Oh, that's not, no, it was worse than that, which is that we...Pepper Pig World?No, I was coming back from a gig, and I just had to go to Tesco,and I was like, I need some water, I don't feel well, and I went into the Tesco.And I opened the door, the toilets, and the smell.And the Tesco toilets was so bad that I went to.to go and be sick in the toilet and the toilet
48:18was so full of ungodlythings I had to turn to the sink and I lookedat the sink and there was already vomit in the sinkand so I just stood up on topof the vomit and leftand I'm really sorry I can't believe I'veasked and that's for me. I didn't know what else to dowhat else was I couldn't clean it
48:33I couldn't clean because it was other people'sI was like this is likeit was like hell in theresorry what Tesco was thisit was Tesco Robes Way CardiffI will never crossit's threshold no don't go thereI can't be there's vomit on vomit
48:48In the bathroomI'd be amazed CatherineIf you went to a bathroom in a TescoI would neverTo be fairYou were in a bad wayIf you're doing thatHonestly my first question was
48:57Tesco's have toiletsYeahBut if you ever want to likeIf you're pregnantIf you're pregnantI'm the sameI'm like I really do not likeTo go to the toilet
49:04Outside of my own homeYeahAnd like if I have toI know spots in LondonFor example that I will go toI hear thatI'll join BAFTASo that I could use their toilets
49:12Good woman yourselfVery notThere's free toiletsit's in Fortimer Mason a couple of doors up.Is it?But are they nice?Yeah, it's Fortimer Mason.But I don't know if I'm welcome there.
49:21I don't know.I feel scared.Yes, you are.I mean,I only use the toilets there.What I also think about Fort Mason is that it's too much of a mazefor me to be looking for a toilet in urgency.Every time I go in there, I'm like,
49:31was I just here?Is this?Yeah, everything.But Bafter, you've got to take a lift.I've never been in.Yeah.We'll go.We'll go and I'll show you the toilet.
49:38It's very, very nice toilet.Me walking, me like, I'm just here for a piss.Sorry, lads.I don't like hand dryers either.I agree with you.It's very good.However, pregnancy changes you in a way that you're like,if I don't, I have to use these toilets or I'm just,
49:56like there's no option or you don't leave the house.Yeah.Which I also didn't do.Yeah.Very much.Until I had to do because I was working.So you just have to say, but it is scary.Like people, they were, oh my God, people would speak to me.
50:09And unnamed media professional the other day.This is insane.Priya was doing a record of something.and there was someone, a media professional therewho I was holding our babyand Priya was there and he wentoh so this is what you do nowafter like the week before she'd been holding her for me
50:25because I was doing, and I was likeOh my God, like shut the fuckI'll tell you who this is afteryou won't even know who this is but it's someoneI want to know, I want to knowIt's so enraging because it's likewhat do you mean like go to work and have a childbut also it's just like
50:38women have to do like parents have to take timewhere they can you knowespecially if the baby was grown in their bodyYes, need a minute to, I don't know, feed the baby that eats from them.Yes, I'm sorry, hi.Yeah, like, it was, yeah, really, like, I was like, what the hell?And people, but people have always been like that.Like, so I guess you're going to stop work.
50:55So I almost felt like I needed to keep working to be like, I will not be stopping work.Because I also love my job.Yeah, yeah.Why would you stop working?That's still weird.Also, fair, if someone, because it's a lot of work to be a parent.And you're also allowed to change your mind, be like, I want to do this, I want to do that.But why is the presumption that people, before they even choose, can even afford.
51:14to stop working.I'm like, who are these peoplewho are like, most people can't choosethat. I was very lucky that Ishe was born on 20th of Decemberwhich means that I had Januarymaternity pay.Nice.
51:24It's like, I don't know about you guysbut comedy work in January is likeYeah, it's dry.It's dry.So I was like, great, that's great.Month, I have a monthand then I'll back to workingwhich is basically what I did.
51:34Wow.Wow. Fair Fox.But.Are you still vomiting now or is that sort of stopped?No, it's gone. Only winning a Tescotoilet and there's already.Or like if I hear a thing,again, I don't,
51:44really don't mean this in any offensive.Just if you hear our podcast.Desire your podcast or Catherine Ryan's podcast.Fantastic.These are all podcasts I chose to listen to when I was dying.I was dying and this is when I was dying.That's really sweet.Yeah, it was sweet.
51:57You started the tumour rumour because you get referring to pregnancy as dying.Dying.It was all.Catherine.I do like.Come on, tell us more.Is it the vomiting, nausea?Like I'm so, I know people want baby.
52:09And I wanted that and we had such a difficult time to get in there.But it was just, I honestly, the only thing I could.watch and like consume outside of like people who you know like your podcastCatherine Ryan's podcast and just like nice like uplifting things if I was inreally down the dumps I was like watching like documentary spell hospices no because I waslike I feel like I relate I shouldn't say this if I was like I understand like I feel I reallythought I was dying I was like if I wasn't pregnant I'd be like oh it's so crazy becausenone of this showed because you were just like you looked so cool you're always dressed
52:40that means so much for me like genuinely you looked amazing and also just like everytime I saw you look like man of the match because you like thought it in and be like no yeah yeah it was it wasI wish we'd kick together during this time I know I know I didn't I hadn't really conceived of Ellen beingpregnant beforehand and now I was like oh my god this is so cool that's so it's hard though if you'relike weird about your not weird about your gender that's a really hard but I guess I don't know how I feelabout how I'm like she's not to be fair no she's not but like I didn't know how I feel about my genderexpression and like how pregnancy would match that because pregnancy is made for like women who are verylike very specifically women who dressed like this it's certainly been packing
53:14for a certain type of woman in the way that capitalism loves to take our stuff andsell it back to us yes they're like pregnant women look like this yeah exactly so there'sand also but then I couldn't wear my normal trousers because you my your bellies like that soI discovered and this is I feel like this is that this is a revelation this is going to change toquick unity forever please go on you're listening to other people like oh yeah I met youthey come and they're like oh you heard you we saw gigless and I'm like oh are you fromare you like one of that you're one of Helen and Catherine's people they're committedThey've always like blue hair.
53:43Like it?Yes.All lesbians.They've made their own clothes.Yes.So there are people.They're sewed up patch.Oh, love.
53:49Anyway.It's going to be Lucianiac.It is Lucianiac.Yes.But with a personalized patch.And I love us for us.So good.So good.
53:56They, if you,you get chef's trousers.Oh, that's good.That's what I was wearing most of the time.That's what you were wearing in the pub.Yeah.Yeah.Wait, what are chef's trousers?
54:06You know what those checked like trousers with chefs.Yeah.And they look so good.And they're loosey goosey.Are they're loosey.Are they tie up?They tie up.So they expand with you.
54:13I still wear them nowbecause they just start offand they just grow with you.Where do you get them?I went on vintagelike chef's trousersand then I started buying them offlike chef websites
54:23for chefs.Incredible.You were to be fair.Cooking.I wasn't had a ban in the Alpine.Yeah, so that's my recommendation.The play.Edinburgh.
54:34Where's it on?What's it called?It's called relaybecause of the waywe would conduct ourselveswith the sperm.is at 335 at Pleasance BesideOh, wicked
54:47Which is a nice, lovely roomThat's heaven, that's also exactly the right timeTo go to a play in EdinburghBecause what you want, you've done your morning comedyYou're a bit like, oh, I don't know if I can see anymoreA little playIt's music in it.I know you hate this, I know
55:00I thought we were talking about a play.It is a play, it's a play, but I'm enchantedIs there a song about egg counting?One, two, three, four, will there be?any more.Yeah, you can't write it.I love to collaborate.Yeah, I can't collaborate.
55:15I can't wait.I'll be Disney.I'll be living in well.Yeah.Yeah.Seven follicles.I think our podcast makes me feel sick.Wow.
55:29I tell you that was something.Yeah.I really enjoyed the show.Okay.So how many songs?So far, so far.Five, six.Maybe seven.
55:38But, but they're like cool.I will obviously go.But it's also like.There's a vogue one in it that's like about going to brunch after you've justinseminated by your friend.I mean, that's good stuff.Go ahead.Is there one about the asking about putting the spunk inside of you and not Priya?
55:52No, there's not a song about that bit.Oh, never mind.So called Choosing Family, which is about like rounding up all of our gay boyfriendsand being like, which one of you?That's nice.That's nice.That's nice.That's really funny.
56:03Oh my God.Actually, that does sound really good I would like to see it.To be fair.That sounds great.Yeah, hopefully answer all your questions that you have.And I have a lot of them.Yeah, there's still more.that would be wicked but you're not here just to talk about how you got pregnant specifically
56:15although we have made it seem that way no no no like a Q&A with lila i feel like i've learned soi know right would you like to help us well before we get into it we have to answer a listenerproblem as you know you've heard the format don't get sick but sorry to bring it up but you knowthe format of the podcast we have to do it nobody be ill um before we get to it what what kind ofadvice giver do you think of yourself as um oh i think i'm one of those people i i just i do want to say thisbecause also it's the worst side person it's like and just say it how it is and i don't feel that wayyeah because that always makes me think oh you're a cunt you're a twat yeah i think i think i'm an honestadvice giver and i like to go about things a roundabout way as evidenced by this baby i guess
57:01what do you mean like like i think i like to think outside of the box when i give people adviceand what kind of advice to people come to you with like needing most oftenI say I wonder if it's anything to do with me yeah it's a lotway to get your trousers when you're gay and pregnantyou know what it is what you do when you're gay and had to get gay and pregnantthe honest answer is like it's often like women who have previously thought they werestraight or being like you will have had these questions alsoand be like I'm just thinking about eating vaginas
57:29okay I guess go for it like okay somebody's had a rose I sit down sit downWith ketchup or mayo, like, what pass?Honest to God, I see Rose at a bar and I'm like, someone will be over.Someone will be over.Yeah, TikTok. Yeah, it's a lot.Yeah.So that's the answer, honestly, is.Amazing.
57:45Yeah.Okay, great.I'm excited.In that case, let's see what the advice is.So we have the problem, please, Alex.Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market.Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos.Prep lunchboxes quickly with 365.
58:04brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more.And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze.Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online.This is from F.Hi, F! Hi, F!Hi, Gorgeous Hogs.How do I convince my dear friend that buying a mini freezer would not cure but would definitely help her depression?She literally has no freezer, so it has to go to the shop upwards of three times a week
58:37and then is too tired to cook because she gives all of her energy to her incredibly demandingjob. You can't buy your way out of mental illness, but one of her main stresses is alwaysbeing hungry and tired, and there is a partial solution for 119. Oh, sorry, 119 euros, sorry.Money is not an issue for her, but I know she will be resistant. She lives in a constantstate of being overwhelmed, but blames herself for the house being messy or not keepingherself fed instead of taking steps to make things easier. I truly believe thiswill help, um, but until she can find a therapist, but worry that voicing that or just buying herthe freezer will be bossy or unsympathetic. Am I being bossy and unsympathetic or not? Thanks.
59:13No, buy her the fucking freezer. What do you think? Buy the freezer. I think if you're, if you'resort of person that has the means to buy someone a freezer to cheer them up, buy them a, that's a greatgift. Yeah. Has she got room in a house? What has to assume she has, it's a mini freezer?It's a mini freezer. Yeah, fine. How's more can you get freezers? I think, I don't know,The only thing I'm thinking, you can get them pretty small.Can you?The only thing I'm thinking is...I want a mini freezer.
59:37That's interesting.So both of your solutions are by the freezer.100%?With a caveat of does she have room for it?Does she have room for it?Oh my God and you could put those little pizzasof Chicago town ones.You know the tiny one?
59:48Oh, if you're buying it, you have to put stuff in it.It's like...Oh, Mars ice cream bars!If they're depressed, you have to put stuff in their freezer.You can't be like, here's a job.Do you know what I mean?I really think, do it, but also don't saythis is going to kill your depression
01:00:01when you give it to her.That's really good advice.Because that's going to, what if it doesn't?And then she's like, well, I guess that's it.The card shouldn't say like, chill out.Chill out.Chill.It's like, chill.
01:00:12It's actually 100% write that.100% write that on it.That is so charming.I have to say I disagree.Why?Because I think that the thing that I have felt when depressed is like so much stuff is outof my control.And like I'm sort of like I've lost all sense of.
01:00:32purpose and choice in my life and like it's all just happening at me and I think a freezer personallywould compound that loss of control. If someone locked up with a freezer, I might not have roomwhere I haven't chosen to buy and I actively had. I'm like also the three trips outside aresound like the only time she's going outside. Yeah. If you're depressed. I don't know. My feelingwould be like buy her a month's worth of like like a meal subscription where it comes to her door.But I really don't think anyBut to be clear, I don't think any of itI personally think what you need to do
01:01:07This is my thought is convince herThe freezer is her ideaLike my big factory weddingI think you need to be likeWhoa babe, you're having such a tough timeAnd anyone would feel this way in your situationWhat's like the biggest obstacle to like getting you fedLike just because like that nourishes your brain helps you like
01:01:29What is the biggest?guest. God,could you even get like a, like, you wouldn'tneed a big freezer, you?Could you even get a little one?Does that exist? Google it. You have tobe more easily. Oh sure. Wouldn't it be gas?Wouldn't it be gas if you had? And then I'd buy the freezer.
01:01:45And then you're like, it's a joke that we have.Oh, okay. I don't think you can randomly be like,here's. Here's a freezer.Here's modern preservation.Are you kidding?I want someone to buy me a friend.Yeah, no, I do. But I think maybe that's when we're different.If I'm struggling, I'm like, take care of it.
01:02:00I'm not going to ask them to embarrass to ask.I like, get me stuff.Also, please come over and take care of me and buy you something nice.If you fill it with food, then that is sort of you giving her a meal.So, it's a script, you could make meals and then freeze them for her.That's cute.That's a lot of admin.Are you in love with this?
01:02:18Yeah, I mean, it just sounded a bit like it.We are certainly made better at you.You're now wooing them.I hope that's okay.Is that what this is?I mean, oh, many freezers.Helen, it's really not about you, my sweet.we have to decide on this person get no
01:02:32I know but I think they should get onedon't you have a freezer in your flash yeah butit's not mini it's just normalI feel like they're some one of your peoplenow are gonna I've beenat gigs with you where people will presentgifts to you like like there's a cuteoh yeah I know I know
01:02:48she's the Sultan like what islike she's more like a childking because she'll be saying they'relike give me my giftiesI'm a child's kingyou know what I meangave or throw yeah yeah yeah yeah likeIt's not like a salt and it's like
01:03:01one who keeps goingWhat's next?Bring the offerings.It's such a weirdI'm like but that's going to happenIt's going to be a freezerSomeone's going to bring a freezerOkay well great
01:03:13I want a mini freeI actively would love a mini freezerWell now you put it out thereIt'll be alongI think you know your friend bestSo you'll know if they're more of aCatherine or a meI don't know
01:03:23I personally likeI've had friends bring stuff overWhen I've been feeling really downAnd like obviously I could have read intolike oh god do they think that i can't like but for me it came as like oh my god they were thinkingabout me and they thought for me it's not that they're thinking that i can't do it it's more than i'mlike they i just want i don't need to feel like even more stuff is like now i have to find a placefor that now to deal with that 119 pounds is like a nice bit euro how much is that in pounds
01:03:51like 90 yeah 95 the rate's bad you guys are really fucking things off oh god you guysI'm well actually, yeah, WelshersSorry, sorrySorryBut I love yourBresas and wilsYou have my daffodaghThat's all the swans
01:04:09Yeah, we can't even eat the daffodilsThese days, it's an outrageWhat?Because the Welsh are only allowed to eat themBecause you hadYou'd be fucking jokingAfter the weekend I hadOkay, but you're saying ultimately
01:04:23I'm worrying thatYou could do something elsethat moneythat it would be moreand I'm likethere was a timewhen 95 quidyou could take on
01:04:31a little holly bobsbut that's notyou go tocan you go toLego landcould you gettwo for onefertility
01:04:36treatments in Walesyeahthere is adepressednothere is adepressedperson out there
01:04:43living without afreezerand there is a chancethat someoneis going to buy thema freezerbuy the freezeryeah
01:04:49buy the freezerI do thinkbuy the freezerbut alsoif she doesn'twant itshe can take itgive the receipt
01:04:54on toplike an auntiegift receiptyeah receipttop. Say you'll return it if they don't want it. And if you don't, I will go back andreturn it and I will get you something else. Send it to me. Send it to the trusty hogs office.I will take the freezer. Send the freezer to the trusty hogs office. If they don't want it. Do youhave like a PO box now? I don't want a freezer sent it. So no. No. We could have it. Oh my
01:05:15God. We could have it in the office and then when I guess come, we could be like, would you likean ice cream? That would be nice. Open it up because the ice cream, I told you this. It's looking goodalready this year. May I say this? I don't know if you've ever been to Helen andSoneil's apartment when they live together. Okay, I've never been there and not witnessed a rowover ice cream. I want no part of co-ownership of a freezer. No one's arguing. I'm not arguingwith you. But would you argue about that? Well, I might be like, I want that one. I want thatone. Or I don't know, I just don't want any part of it. It all seems very stressful. But I thinkpersonally, it's disgusting. Sorry, can I, in 2025, that you can still buy packs of
01:05:52Hargan dars in four little pots and they're all different flavours.Who's able to live with that in peace?Why?You need two of each flavour, otherwise it's just going to create rouse.I would argue that multi-pack should all be of the same flavour.I would be in agreement with you.I'm so sick of fast of crisps.Exactly. You can't mix everything.
01:06:09I want to six bag of crisps in my home for the week.Yeah.And then there's two softening again.There's two ready softness, two cheese and onion.By Thursday and Friday I've got the cheese and onion.I'm like, I hate my life.So why is it coming in packets of six?There's seven days in a week?
01:06:21Does God not want us to meet crisps on a Sunday?It's mad out there.He maybe wants you to rest.He?Rest from meeting.I said he.Taking crisps away.That's a woman's move.
01:06:33That's someone's mom.He's giving one.Not me.Not me.That's a career's job.She can be the one.Incredible.Okay, well, I think we've solved the problem.
01:06:43And two to one, you've got to buy a freezer, my guy, because I, I've been outvoted.The right thing to do.Layla and Avby, where can be very emotional about the time?freezer. You are.Oh wait, before we get into it, sorry, just before we get into where everyone can find you,you were going to say something about the market is looking interesting. Is it this new seasonof ice creams? Yeah, just really quickly, all the great flavours from last year back.You got your Lotus Biscop crossover. You've got your Hagen-Dars pass. You've got your
01:07:08Ben & Jerry's pots. Yes, they're at least a couple new flavors. We don't know what they areyet. You've got your twisters. You've got your twister twisted, which is the twisters with a twistof flavour in them. You've got your bounty ice cream bars. Always a big shout-out.Real, real fancier.Yeah, bounty ice.Oh my God.Mars is always as good as ever.They are so much better
01:07:26than the Mars bar.It's actually mental.What are?Mars ice cream bars.Yes, but I would saya Snickers ice cream is the best.I don't want chocolate ice cream.I want chocolate and I want ice cream.
01:07:36I don't want chocolate ice cream.Thank you, Lela, for being here.Wow, okay.Wow, now you've made us feel like.Salero.Hello.Hello.What, and you love special cake.
01:07:46No, it's not.No, it's so toxic.Oh, citrus and dairy.Or let me put some lemon inside some cream.Oh, lovely, that's curdled.Oh, I love it.I will say I do love Salero, but that is born of being raised in a Weight Watch's house.Is it?
01:08:02Right, am I finding out that salarers are good for you?Is that what this is?They're not good for you, but they are like 92 calories or something.Really?Yeah.I did know that.I would have eaten it if they had the most calories.Having the nicest conversation.
01:08:13I'm so sorry.I'm so sorry.Wow, yikes.I like a salar.You are part of it.Don't do that.I don't want to be part of this divorce.There's Ferreira Roche flavors.
01:08:24There are Fello's.They're coming out as ice cream.Rello and Barreara Roche's ice cream.Oh, Fella Rosh.You wouldn't like it.You get me in it.I love Ferraro Roshay.Me too.
01:08:35Don't want it as an ice cream.Wait, they're doing an ice cream.I'm so excited.Maybe I'll get that in the way home.That's a treat.All right.Okay, sorry.Layla.
01:08:44Where can we find you?Wales and.Yes.What a boring jokeI love thisI love youI love youit's giving dad jokes
01:08:53yeahit's really greatsurewellokayInstagramis Leila doesInsta
01:09:03and mythreadI hate thatthe social mediais all run byright winghorribleI know
01:09:07I knowwe're gonna tagLaylaand everythingyeahLayla doesInsta onthreads
01:09:11because that's how thatworkssureand thenLeila doesTikTok nowokayand what about
01:09:16Edinburghif people arecoming hereyou there the whole monthYes, and they're all month, apart from the 12th, because Oasis are there, so that day off, that's a day off.Are you going to see Oasis?No, no, no, but I just don't want to.You just want to be indoors.
01:09:25I want to be indoors, hidden away.Hadn't not thought about that.Yeah, choose your day off as one of the, seventh, eighth or 12th.It's already gone to sell, didn't it, this moment?Is it, have you chosen a day off?Anyway, that's relevant.Well, yeah, that's favorite.Find out when it is.
01:09:37Fine.And you are going to be there, and it's 335, gorgeous time for a play.The play is called Relay.Yes.And I'll be there with a pen and paper, taking notes for all my questions.Are you coming to watch?I'll probably try to come for a weekend.You have to.
01:09:54But also I might just catch everybody in Soho.Same.Yeah, I'm like, oh, maybe so ho.We'll see.Yeah, they'd be lucky to have you.Come on.You come see, you come see,you come see,
01:10:02the kind of things I can saywhen I'm not going to say.Oh, they'd be lucky to have you.They'd be lucky to have you.I don't care when anybody's face.See you next to your house.Does anyone want to come to my show?I'm so exciting.
01:10:11That's so thrilling though.Enjoy it.And hey, well done.On not dying and making a baby.Yay!Thank you so much to our executive producers.Look at you there in your lounge.Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Annie Tonner, Stephanie Katrachia,
01:10:27Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Sadie Cashmore,and oh, ding, ding, what's this?A new member of the club, Angela S.Thank you for joining us.Angela S.Let's get that gender parity.Is Angela Scanlon?No, I didn't say that.
01:10:44No.And welcome to the club.No, you guessed that.We said highly unlikely.Oh my God, thanks for joining, guys.And to our amazing producers who also have a lounge, I like to think.It's L. It's Richard Bold.It's Harold Van Dyke.
01:11:00It's Tim and Domus, David Walker, as Rachel R.It's Claire Owen Jones.Sing it with me.Sarah and Molly, Ria Fin, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina, Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon,Abby Woff, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Liz, Fort, Taz, Anthony, Chloe, Becky Fox,Dean, Michael, Sophie Chivers,never figured it out,Kerry Sews,
01:11:18never figured it out,Charlie A, KC,Jam, Rain Bird,Bryn,which always makes me thinkof the girlfrom the later seasonsof dance months,
01:11:25Ezra Periguin,Laura Pollock,Leah Overend,Stephen Chicken,always a bit of fun,Dougie Robertson,Hayley Singer,Sarah Deakin,
01:11:33Tamson Smith,Arding.Did you put thosein a different orderto usual?Yeah.That is very good.You really kept me on my toes there.
01:11:40It's even funnier,because you were like,sing it with me,and I was like,couldn't if I tried.Yeah,Don't even a letter.Good news.
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