Trusty Hogs - Ep184. LEILA NAVABI / Birthdays, Babies & Biscuit Tins

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

We welcome rising star actor, writer and comedian Leila Navabi to the podcast this week for a fun romp through all things babies, birthdays and biscuit tins...FOLLOW LEILA: @LeilaDoesInstaNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCallPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie Robertson / Charlie WeemesWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. Hello, it's Helen Bauer from Trusty Hogs, which you're currently listening to. Guess what? I don't just podcast. I also do stand-up comedy, my own stand-up comedy. On tour, it's called Bless Her, but not like Bless Her as in She Just Need, as in like, oh, bless her.

But I was going to write, oh, forget about it. I'm coming to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I'll be there every day, apart from the days I'm not doing, at Monkey Barrel at 320. I don't remember which days I'm not doing. Thank you for trying, Catherine. Something to do with Mondays, probably. I'm doing September gigs. I'm doing October gigs. I'm doing November gigs.

Name a place in the UK. I'm probably going there. Tickets on my website. Please come. God bless you. Love you. Bye. Hello and welcome to episode 184 of Trustee Hogs.

Not only has Helen already looked in the bag and asked before I could even introduce the episode if she's getting her a gift yet, you got to relax. Because this episode's coming out in May, but for us in real life it was my birthday March 25th last week I know but I want my gift

can we explain to the list of we're getting ahead of ourselves because I am going filming in lands snow in Tenerife got to remember which island I can say I'm going filming in Tenerife I can't say what it's for I'm very excited but at this point I imagine in May you'll all be like muting me because I'll be like look at the sea look at the sun

look at the sand and so I expect that you won't know where I am but it's there I'm still there and consequently yes we had to get ahead of ourselves and my god we've been packing in the episodes i can see it in your eyes you're not blinking you're not listening you're just like give me the gift give me the gift give me the gift give me the gift of your instagram now and it's just going to be like a proper old school naughty's live laugh laugh it really is and i bet you're gonna pick up a little thing to take some of the sand home with you because i can't even post what i'm doing so it's not like i can be like here's me and the cast it's just going to be me being like beautiful sunset all we'll say is robert de nero is involved oh yeah i'm glad we said that it is robert denaro and julia of course but no Please don't ask you about Meryl. Please don't ask you about Meryl. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hog. Trust the trusty horns or maybe not Let's just get this over and done with so that you can actually hear me the rest of the episode I'm 34 now Happy birthday Thank you so much

How much should you spend Oh my bag, the bag is torn Look at that, I'm sorry That is a reused bag, I apologise But it's just good for the environment in it Oh my God, there's three parts to wear To say how much did I spend Oh my God, I just heard that

The audacity God how much did you spend Oh my God Well I did go to the nice place I went to Hay, which is my favorite, like, it's going to be nice, H-A-Y. It's a nice interiors place. Is this a biscuit tin? Open it. Oh, my God.

There are no biscuits in there, I should say, though. Oh, oh. But you could put them in. Oh, my God, I love it. Isn't it pretty? That's so, it matches my scrunchy. Yay. That's a pink and red biscuit tin or a cake tin.

You can put it in. It's a tin container, please. Isn't it pretty? Oh my God, I love it. I love it. You know, I'm going to put in that. What? Things.

And this is for things as well And also like maybe pasta Isn't that a gorgeous pasta tin? Could you imagine Decanting pasta into this? Don't mind if we do I'd have to take a picture of how long I was cooking it for Because I can never remember that shit

But yeah It'll be more fun Slime And then you put your finger into it And then it all goes up your arm Oh my God I should have gone somewhere cheaper It's a moisturise machine

It's a moisturising machine You fill it up with hand lotion You dip your hand into it You come out You're ready to go That's for a wank That's for just post-dischwashing. You ruin everything.

No, I don't. It's a hand. You ruin everything. I have a creative mind. Just put some pasta in it like a normal person. You absolutely learn. But who decants pasta? I do.

Well, that's why I thought you buy it. Do you? No. Honestly, look me in the hand. Yes, I put it in glass jars. You know I do. They're up on the wine racks. I paint and stuff to the wall.

You do that, but then you don't use that pasta because past. No, I do use that pasta. You get it down? Yeah, of course. Otherwise it goes off. pasta does not go off well I mean if it's not there for long enough yeah I would just use it true

I love them Catherine it seems like you don't need them but I am glad to like them okay good this is my favourite what's this it's a chopping board oh my god I love this colour isn't the most beautiful shopping board

you've ever seen in your whole life Catherine this is so grown up I went treats I was like you know what if you're going to have your own kitchen in your own flat you should have a really bougie chopping board that's lilac and I've already got a wooden pig one you know from the girl who played

the pregnant woman in the Spice Girls movie well So this will go with it Yes yes my stuff will accompany that stuff I love it Yay I'm glad you're like

Absolutely no fear of Helen Baer opening the card Before she opens the gifts Don't you worry about them Do I have to open it full stop? No you don't even have to open it Forget it No I take it home and put it on displays

People know I'm popular That's important It is important I genuinely think that I agree What's the point of getting cards if you're not like sticking in my mouth for everyone to see that you get cards. Oh my God, I cannot wait to put things in these.

Fun! I put scrunchies in this tin. Oh, you could do that. You could use them for makeup. And then... You could do makeup brushes, you could do any kind. Makeup just diving in for them. Yes.

Now, I will think of something for this. You could do Epsom salts. You could put in a bathroom. It could be in a bathroom. That you've charmed me. Yeah? You've charmed me. Yeah.

But you decant some Epsom salts is that? Yeah. But, but not just plain Epsom salts with lavender smell. Yeah. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh my God. I love it. But then you probably couldn't reuse it for food.

But hey, look, you got it. Thank you. Oh my God, it's got a teapot on it. I know, it's so cute. Happy birthday and huge congratulations on buying a home. I'm so proud of you and well done. I hope it's a happy, cozy, joyful place to live. But if she opens it, she's going to read it on the podcast.

Thank God I just remember anything sexy. Oh, no, I can't read the rest of it later. Oh, my God. Speaking of sexy, can we talk about the extras? You sound like my girlfriend. Are we going to see your mom? No, I was going to say, can we talk about, are we still dating? we're talking the extra

right oh my god she knows how to get a producer to join the Patreon um sexy yes mother's day thank you'm glad you enjoyed your gifts I got my mom

well two things we had a lovely time I got her some Joe Malone perfume because moms love Joe Malone but you're a good daughter the other thing to say is my favorite candle company

Earl of East not sponsored just my favorite candle company have started to make the most beautiful car fresheners this might not seem like a big deal to you but you know like all car fresheners are bad

like they always have the apart from like really expensive ones they always have like they're always like apple I love the smell of apple no but it's like it's like chemical apple you're like oh like that I can't deal with it they all make me feel a bit sick because I get car sick anyway

but these are just the most beautiful subtle delightful delightful feminine sense and I'm so excited so I did but also buy my mother a car freshener which I could tell she was like what but then she put it in her car and she was like okay and i was like okay so that's basically and you took them to island i took them to ireland you're a good daughter well we were going home for four days which was so lovely i bet um had the best experience ever my sister planned this beautiful day out with myself

um karen and my best friend at home karen and my girlfriend ellen and my sister ellen and i went to this place called sauna box in shakor and it's in dublin city can i guess what it is yeah it's a sauna in the shape of a box and they also do waters with lemon slices in them close it's three different saunas damn it and three different plunge pools at different temperatures and you go in for an hour and it's so lovely first of all there were like 12 women in here every single Irish woman in there all wore black you cannot get the 90s out of us we think it's slimming and we're going to commit so we're black in a sauna we were all wearing black swimsuits okay it was just like it was like just children of the 80s being like, is this cute?

And you're like, oh, good Lord. Literally two, no woman in color. I was like, are all these women in mourning? Is this a funeral sauna? But we went in and it was just so nice for Ellen to see like proper Irish culture because there were these lads in. I think they were, they'd been doing the like Dublin City half the day before my brother did the Dublin City half.

Well done, Peter. Well done Peter. But so these lads were all in and they were like putting the water on the stones, you know, like you do in a sauna. I have seen fun. And every single time they'd be like, And who Pope's being elected now, last? And you're just there like,

Ha ha ha ha. Honestly, we were. We were. I'm with her, but I'm also bisexual. Oh, no, no. She was like, ah, ha. We were having a great time. We were absolutely charms.

Did you slip and, like, put your hand on their legs? I think you're now mistaking me for you. But we had a nice time. We had a gorgeous time. Oh, no. No, we did. We had a gorgeous time. It's like a torso.

It was genuinely. It was a really giving Irish. It was gorgeous. We went into a copy. up afterwards and a woman who'd been there approximately two seconds was saying to the waiter now I'm sorry about this my friends late I'm not meaning to take up any space here I'm not even meaning to take up

this table I swear to go to you know what I'll order a coffee I'll order two coffees I'll order coffee in a scone I'll order two coffees in a scone and if she comes here she comes here she comes here she only lives on the road and this woman comes in the door and she's like where have you been I was like you've been here for honestly two and a half minutes so yeah it was a nice cultural exchange yeah we had a gorgeous time my mother true to Irish

mother fashion spent the entirety of Mother's Day not letting us stand up or even pour ourselves a glass of water she did everything she was in my mama hosting mode a woman's job it's a woman's job yeah yeah yeah and we did say that but um we had a gorgeous time you always do so well a mother's day i i remember to do a card this year well done my mom and i was like i wrote a card and i was like this is lovely i got one that had like a blank message inside because i couldn't find a mother's day one that didn't feel like a bit sarcastic yeah like there was one that said like you're the mummy the well deserves and like a little bear hugging and I was like we've had too many fights where like that's

do you know what I mean like I'm not my brother went and got me that's the one thing I didn't get was a card and I was like here when you're going in when he grabbed me one and he was like I took all my strength not to buy the one that was like had a cat on and was like mommy you're perfect and I was so yeah it's tricky to avoid to really cringe they're all bad and I just wrote like dear mom like happy mother's day thanks for everything you do um sorry that I can be so per tricky sometimes ha ha ha ha ha and then i was like yep misjudged it immediately gave it to her in person because they saw her like the day before because my family came and saw a flat and i was like oh this is for tomorrow and twitter thank so much and i get a text from up being like i wouldn't say you're

true oh for god saying and she's trying to be nice but it's just us once again just not quite aligning it's chips in the night in it i've done it again i've misjudged the situation wait rewind your family came to see your flat. Yes. Did you manage to do it without giving your sister a key? We, oh my God, Catherine. I feel like we have to dive into this next week.

There's so much going on at the moment with the flat. So it's my birthday. Yes. So. Any good gifts? You know what? Yes.

Imagine if you're like, no. I have. Yes. Your gift. Thank you. Up there. Yay. Francis.

What did I do for my birthday? What did they get you? made me a lamp. What? Made me a lamp. And on the theme, Agrabah, because that was originally my decorating theme, I'm now being distracted by a lot of different colours.

It's got, quite frankly, out of hand. Agrobar. And I'm not quite willing to open up about it. Okay, fine. Agribar was my original flat theme. If anyone confused right now, that is Aladdin. So I want you to picture the Sultan's Palace with a sunset in the background. That was the flat theme.

Agrabah. And they've made you a lamp to that and you've already changed the theme. I think I might have, yeah. So they may be. Do you know who you should get that mother's egg card? Francis. Sorry about being kind of tricky.

Wait, what kind of lamp do they make. They're teaching themselves how to marble, buying all the equipment, making all these lamps, and they're incredible. And I was like, my fat themes, Agri-bar made me a bespoke marbled lamp on the theme Agrabar. And I love it. Yeah, are you kidding.

I have a picture. I'll put it on my, oh my God, yes. I'll send it to Andrew to put on Instagram me. And it's so, so good. I love it, I love it, I love it. And then Sineal has promised me a, he gave you an I-O-U. You know what?

We've just had like, just drama with this whole, like moving out a couple of weeks with Sineal. Why drama? Did I tell you about the bowl? No, but I did see a sort of pass-ag thing on Instagram from who? Where is Sineel put up a picture of himself. was no sofa and it felt like

it felt like dude you could have planned that the sofa was going it was obviously her sofa but it felt like he was acting like some of abandoned child and I was like my guy you had so much warning it's crazy you ordered a fucking weight like weight bench yeah different weights weight stands you didn't want to think maybe

I'll grab a sofa no so I just felt like it was it felt performative and it felt pathetic and I took the picture but there's no reference to that I was the one that took this performative picture of like oh helen's taking everything it just felt like get a grip you know what i mean like just grow up so i thought our last days together which was so i moved in the day before my birthday yeah and woke up on my birthday in my new flat had a sleep over with francis shout out francis and senil came over that night but he was like i think he was struggling to say goodbye to me he's now made

it clear that that was not the case right we have between us he'll say he owns it because he did buy it and he did bring it to the flat but I use it more. The most perfect bowl. It sounds like he bought it and brought it to the flat. Please be on my side and believe women. Please believe her. Let's see. Believe her. Let's see. Just like an optics thing I think just believe her in general.

Let's just see. Okay. You know those bowls which are just like pasta, cereal. Just to check in sorry. Just a circle back. He picked it out. Paid for it and brought him. At some point in 2019, Sunil bought the perfect bowl before. we lived together. Oh, before you even live together? Yeah. Okay, so he's a historic claim on the bowl that he bought and paid for and chose. Yeah, and he has an emotional attachment to it because throughout lockdown there was a period where he lived alone and all he had was that one bowl. And if

he wasn't eaten from that bowl, he was eating over the bin. Oh, well, that's beautiful. So that really it means a lot to him. Okay. I need you to be on my side on this. I don't think I will be. We then move in together, Circa, what was it? 2020. 22. Circa 2022, let's say. And the bowl comes with him. I'm immediately enchanted. It's charming. It's Robert Dias. Robert Dias.

Yeah. About $3.95. It's just per... The lips on it. He'd probably know the exact price because he paid for it. Holds heat in well. Yeah, yeah.

The bowl's perfect. I then, from that point onwards, use it probably twice a day. Don't know why you're doing a different accent. Twice a day for... It does not change the facts. I'll be honest, Vivier. Go on.

Twice a day for three years. right right and I love it and it comes to me moving out and I say it's my birthday and I'm buying a flat I should have a gifty which is something I've said to a lot of men in my life actually it turns out this last couple of weeks and I want the bowl that's all I want I just want the bowl he has a tantrum goes and slags me off on his podcast I'm not joking I would be totally with him yeah I wouldn't have a tantrum I'd just be like no but go on and then he's like just buy your own bowl. And I'm like, they don't, they don't sell it anymore. They do not sell that exact bowl. Who got the bowl? I know it's you because he'll relent. He bought it. Who ended up with

the bowl? He bought me two bowls that he says are the same, but they're not the same. And then he bought himself one of them to prove that he's part of it as well. It's not exactly the same. Did he keep his bowl? Yeah, he kept his bowl. So Neil Patel, if you're listening to this, having said you're pathetic and performative, which I stand by in relation to the couch business, let me say this. I'm impressed I genuinely don't think that most people could stand up to hell and bear in that context and I genuinely

Excuse me if I make No exactly how is he putting over that So Neil That's some backbone my guy Well done Wow he really withstood this Yeah I think he's dead right

And it's his bowl my guy But then Sorry And it's been a bit rough actually He bought you two bowls That's so nice of him So I was like All I want is a ball for my birthday

And then I was like Oh shit And this was like a week before I moved And I was like oh shit I should remind my dad It's my bed birthday next week so it's not too much of a crushing disappointment yeah so i rung him up and i was like oh hi michael it's helen you know helen the second one yeah blonde hair yeah your fat daughter oh yeah helen

the fat behave yourself go on and i was like oh just just so little reminder it is my birthday next week and he went oh fuck so fuck it again my sister's in the background he doesn't know and then i was like oh I'm also getting the keys to the first flat I've ever bought next week. And from what I understand it, is traditional for parents to buy not only a birthday gift for their child, but also a housewoman gift. He went, oh, you've got to be fucking joking me. That's fucking insane. Like something about millennials hangs up.

He actually says something about millennials. Yeah, five minutes later, I get a message to say, send a link. Send a link. I wish people in my house would ask for a link. all I want is for people to buy me things I actually want. So I send him a link to Catherine you're going to be charmed. 3.9 litres around 4 litres obviously

cast iron, casserole dish it can be on the stovetop, it can go in the oven beautiful. Hello, everyone needs one from which company? Procook £59.com. Completely reasonable. Charmed. What a lovely... That's a combie gift. Oh my God, even more reasonable. Right? But I'm going for it. I'm taking a risk. Let's go for it.

Send in the link, it's super easy. What follows is about four phone calls about that with him being like can i get it in an actual shop have a look you live near brighton brighton's got a lot of shops maybe just order it online maybe just order it online well if you order it online you can get delivered to your place because you're going to be driving up to see me the following weekend how about we do that arrives gets out the car and i'm like oh do you have the cassero dish i haven't got around to he yet he didn't even do it he didn't do it Jesus Christ

I gave him so much warning insane Why doesn't he just send you a voucher for the website then Because because of Or his card, his literal card details at this point Would be quicker He thinks I took the roasting of him Too far

Do you remember when I turned 30 and I was like You have to get me a 30th birthday present You can't skip one And he got you 25 pounds Emines spoutre Which was outright, just just round up I remember just round up Michael Just round off

Yeah 25 pound eminette's crazy It's crazy. I was so close, Michael. You were so close. It would have been less hurtful if it was 20. I wonder why mum left you. You know why.

It was definitely because at book club, someone taught the phrase mansplaining. Nothing to do with the six years of no eye contact. Come on, man. I know, it's tough. Step it up. It's top. So nothing learned.

Nothing learned. But I had a lovely birthday and I ate pizza and I went for a nice breakfast and I've been charmed by a local like greengrocers near me. my god heaven it's so good to have a local one and also good to be charmed by them what's their vibe um tomatoes say no more say no more you don't adopt yourself that's too specific please shall we welcome our guests oh my god let's do it let's do it please happy birthday to all of us and

and especially especially happy birthday to our lovely guest today it's layla the bobby woohoo Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup out of lunchboxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. I've got a story about Jaina, lots. Wait, Helen's reading Jainer, you've got a story about Jainer.

Well, let's get into it. What is it? The story of Jena, I read Jainer when I was 12. Right. Which is, I think, quite young to read. It is pretty, it's pretty advanced. And I, she was, like, my first crush. I was, like, so in love with Jena, the concept of Jainer. So cute.

Like, really got, like, properly obsessed of Jena. What was the about the concept of Jena that you loved? Like, she's just, like, doesn't give a shit. Dead parents. Yeah, yeah. Like, like, mommy problem, saddie problem. Love it, love it, love it, yeah. I just was really into the concept of her.

And I like, mate, like, it was a real, real problem. Like, how I was so cute. But also I couldn't say, also, I didn't know that I was in love with her. Oh, yeah, oh my God, the amount of women in books I was in love with them. And then I was like, I just love reading. I just love, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just loved, yeah, yeah, I didn't even love reading. I do read way less now that I'm gay.

Yeah, I don't need that. I'm fulfilled in my life. I'm not fulfilled. Do gay is not read? No, no, we do read, but I just mean like, I'm like, I'm not as intense than it. Loads of them do. Yeah, I'm not, it's not like, it's for the boys and I'm joking. I listen to, yeah, I listen to audio books.

I'm not, yeah. I am reading Jane Eyre, but also listening to Tandy Newton, reading Janeair at the same time. I've been like a cultural remedy. Sometimes I'm sleepy, so I have the book and I've got my audible open, and Tandy Newton's doing what the voices, and I'm just starting pages. That's, like a. child learning to read.

Did she change her name to Tandywa? Did Tandyway? And then didn't you do something like weird a few years ago? I can't remember what it was. Wait, what's her name? Just where I get it right? It was in a theme of Klanosue.

Tandyway. Love it. She spoke about her. It was like she's, I can't remember what she did. Anyway. Well, she's read Jena. She's read. Oh my gosh.

She's read the audio book. I thought you were reading a tan Tadena used a book and then also reading Jena simultaneously. And I was like, is that not when I am, yeah. oh no no sorry yeah

she's reading Janeair so you're also reading it and then you're also listening yeah like in school like when a teacher reads a book exactly oh my god that's so good

Layla welcome to our not all confusing pod yeah so we're a more Janeair question of both of you okay I don't we get to how is Layla but sure yeah yeah

yeah I'm fine you good yeah did you watch the Charlotte Gainsberg Janeair film growing up the one with Anna Pacquin that was like my

so I know what happened oh you know the book okay I know I know, I know about Bertha. I don't want to spoil it. I had an idea of what Jane I looked like in my head and I didn't want it. I know.

I know what you mean. Oh my God. When I, to be fair, it was fine. When I first watched little women, I was like, oh, don't fuck it up. Mainly because I was obsessed with Teddy. Oh, yeah. Because I was like, please don't mess it up. That's hideous.

Yeah. Well, I know, but now it's fixed. Now I know it's Joe. So that's fixed. I've been fixed the other way. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Layla.

Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm like, so good. I'm like, wow and you're like from L.A. I'm fine. I'm like really nice. I feel great because I've not got. I'm really nice. I've got a baby in me anymore. I know so the last time I saw you you were you looked no but you were at like um it might you were my favorite kind I'd not really seen

pregnancy done through androgyny before and it was so beautiful in a way but also so fascinating to see that how that translates is football fan by which I mean Lela when heavily pregnant would just, at the greeting of every person, just pull their top up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I never felt so confident in showing my belly, number one. I'm like, look at it, like, I feel my belly.

And now I'm like, don't look, no one look at that. But it was so wonderful, because it was so like, oh, oh, yeah, look, yeah, because also it's one of those things. I'd rather be like, this is a, there's a baby. It was really funny. And I, like, it wasn't like, do you know, it wasn't like I just put on weight. I, like, had this, like, I don't want anyone to think,

oh, she got a tumor, which I know that's, but do you know what? Like, I looked unwell. I looked sick. Like, those are the two options. Baby or tumour. And I'm like, I don't, I think people, because I'm a lesbian. It's really important to clarify that your belly isn't a tumour. If it's a baby.

If it's a baby. And, yeah, I know what you mean. If you're gay, you do want to be like, I know about this, by the way. Yeah, I know. People, because people don't assume it. So they're like, well, that can't be a baby. So you must be dying. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. You've got to reassure them. Yeah, that was my technique. Well, I loved it. I loved you stomping around pregnant, furious about it the whole time. I hated. I hated it. How's the baby, though?

Oh my God. It's so good. It's so good. The experience, not it. I'm not calling my baby, it. I'm just saying the experience of having a baby is so good. If you're listening and you're thinking, Leila, you sound and look so young. She is.

Yeah, 26. How annoying. But 26. Yeah, which I think everyone's like, when you're a teen mom, I'm like, I would, this is going to sound, I love my child, I love me.

I don't get over with. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm like, let me just do that now. And then when I am 46, I will have a 20-year-old best friend that I have made in, my image, sort of. She's got blue eyes and is blonde. She's weirdly white,

eh? Yeah. It seems unjust, given you carried around. The sperm owner is white, but he's also, like, dark, he's a friend, so he's got, like, dark hair and dark eyes, and it's like... Also, it's your egg, man, you carried it the whole time. Yeah, I did, yeah, I did it the whole time. Seems wrong. I think... So I had, like,

a weird fertility experience. I had, like, less eggs than they thought I would have, basically, which is also why. Check. Is it okay for us to talk about all this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Oh, yeah. Well, the reason I'm like... Well, well, the reason I ask, is because I'd love to talk about it and also even as a 36 year old lesbian, I'm still like

I don't really know that many lesbians who've had babies so I am always like I have too many questions so only say what you want to talk about I'm like I've written a play about this so there will be... How many eggs do you have in you? Like not enough like how many eggs is enough how many do we want to have?

Eggs do you find eggs? Okay so when how do they count them? That's an interesting question right? Is it law of averages or is it like an egg carting thing when they move them around? Did they shake and listen? I wish they would shake me like a Maraca. No, it's a Maraca. No, that is Maraca.

Okay, so, I hope that wasn't culturally insensitive. No. And a minute ago, I told you it was so unfortunate that your baby's white. So I think we're past. It is really important. How many fucking eggs you have? Right, so. So, welcome to the pod.

Thank you. I love being here. I also have a story about your pod, which is that I used to listen to it while I was pregnant because I couldn't watch anything. So I had to like just listen to podcast because I felt so sick. so I couldn't watch anything and I used to listen to Trustee Hawks and now I can't listen to it anymore

because it makes me feel sick it's like Pavlov's dog so I'm like here now like hoping like exposure therapy oh wow so that's it is weird do you need a bucket or anything no no no I'm good I'm good

I'm fine now how many how many eggs they told me I had barely any and that I needed so me and Priya is my partner I think she's been on she has been on here

my partner and I went on a bog off offer to a facility clinic because she was party nine and turning 30 and was like panicking about her eggs and I was like I'm so yeah they won't be fine but we'll go because it was a bog off so we could both get our fertility checked if we went together that is such a good deal so that's a tip go together you should go together if you're like group on yeah it's a group but like a lesbian group on basically incredible I would love to have us have our eggs counted together I don't want to

make it weirdly competitive I think I already feel quite stressed about it yeah no but it is I know you walk in there and but also I was like I'll be fine and she's like oh older than me. You were like 24. I was 24 and she was 29. It's a six year age gap. Sexy. So what we did

was go to this facility clinic and they checks everything out on both of us which the way they do that is there's two things to do blood tests, boring and they check a level of a hormone called

the anti something it's called AMH and it corresponds to how many eggs you likely have in you because of the hormone. They also put what is essentially

it's like a dildo with a camera on it and they have had one of those yeah yeah and they just like check and see what the vibe is follicles so they so someone is going in with the camera and having a count sort of but they're counting

no they're checking you it's confusing they check how many sacks you've got which is the sacks of the eggs remember they might not be in the eggs in the sacks so long story short I had like a normal level of sacks lower but normal level of sacks Priya had like an optimum amazing level of sacks

like she was like the most fertile they were like oh my god well done And I was like, mm. Wait, how many sacks should a woman have inside her?

Don't, it can't be another thing to be insecure about us. Don't wait. Don't wait. As far as I was like, 176. I didn't even know

I had a fucking sack inside me full stop. This is all quite overwhelming actually, Catherine. How do you think the lesbians feel? What a sentence? Yeah. No, it is.

Look me in the eye and tell me I've got sacks inside my cunt. You have got, I hope you've got sex inside. I really hope, I wish, that's what I felt like, like, that is what I said

to the doctor, basically. And she was like, And then she did my blood, the blood, so the blood results came back on my AMH, which I can't remember the numbers exactly, but it needs to be between 20 or 30, let's say. Preas was like 29 and mine was like three. And they were like, so if you want your eggs out of you, you need to get them out now because they can, and if you want to have a baby like biologically. The plan was always I would use my eggs. We'd mix them with our sperm and then put them into my partner because she like has been dying to wear maternity dresses since she was born basically. Do you know what to me? She dresses very similar to me, which is like, they could probably, these These could probably do if I was pregnant anyway. Yeah, yeah. We're giving first trimester, I get that. Go on. And I'm like, you know, a genderless gremlin.

Like I didn't want to like, you know, anyway, long story. You were never meant to have to do it. I was never meant to have to do this. So we mixed. So they said, right, let's get your eggs out of you. We spent 15,000 pounds, which is all of our savings on having the eggs removed from, trying to have the eggs removed my body. So you have to buy all this medication.

How do they get them out? Well. They set them out with a hoover, like a little tiny hoover. I fucking knew it, like a Dyson, like a Henry head. Like a very tiny. But for like fabrics. I don't know because I didn't get to that point, which I'll get to. But more like a dentistry hoover, I much.

Like small, like like a... Oh, for when you've got over saliva and you... Over saliva. Yeah. You get a wet mouth. Yeah, wet mouth, wet mouth, you know what I mean? A wet mouth, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so...

And they get their eggs. So I have all these injections. I have to buy all the medicine first. I love for... I don't know what this is. I'm thinking about a hoover going inside my sack. Yeah, no. Don't think about that.

Don't, never think about it. Okay, I'm thinking about it happening in both of your bodies. Stop thinking about it. Just listen to Layla. If you can. They sucked it out. No, they didn't suck out. They didn't get to that point. They, um, I had all these injections to stimulate the eggs. So basically you release one egg a month on your period, right?

You release one egg a month. That egg happens and then it goes, you don't want to use it. So what this hormone, what this injection does is make all of the eggs that could, all the follicles that you have that month. Yeah. Release. Like popcorn. I feel like release.

Oh, fun. Yeah, like popcorn. Yeah. So it's like, no, I'm not following this. So you've got like loads of eggs. Instead of one egg going into your uterus and then being cleared away by your period,

you have, you go, hey lads, everybody send an egg and they send multiple eggs. So all the sacks, all their eggs. Yes. Into your uterus. Every single one you've got.

No. Into your uterus or into your fallopian tubes. I'm not a doctor. I wish I knew. Into the vagina. Into the vagina. the mins. Or your eggs drop into your minge.

Definitely not that. Again, that would be, I wish that is how this was. No, it's not. I suspect into your uterus, but go on. Expent to your uterus. So the idea is, but you have like 15 follicles and like

this is so wrong medically, but I'm just it's fine. Say 15 follicles a month. Don't write in. Don't write in. 15 follicles, they all become eggs, hopefully, if all being well,

and then they go, so you have that many follicles. Anyway, whatever. I had all these injections and then they sort of do another field-o thing to check how they're growing and they said...

So they go back in with the camera and look and see how the follicles. To start off with, I think I had seven follicles which is less... You kind of want to have like 20. I had seven. And so they're like, great, seven follicles.

So like, feasibly, they could all have eggs in them and then you have seven eggs and then you freeze the eggs. They measured it and they were like, only one egg has like become like an egg

and the other one is like half become an egg. And I was like, right, so we're 15 grand in, and I've got all this medication. So I was like, right, so what now? And they were like, we could remove that one egg, but the likelihood is like, once you remove the eggs, it becomes like half as likely that they'll survive. And then once you freeze them and put them into a thing, it's unlikely.

Oh, so you're on a spunk hunt all of a sudden? But no, they're like, we don't want to take the egg out of you. And also, like, that's... Oh, so you need spunk to go in you immediately. Well, that's what I thought may be, but I was like also not thinking about that. Or turkey based are really fast. I think.

Yeah, well. Well, what was your thought process? My thought process was we should, like, they were like, we just think we should cut our losses because that egg probably has no quality in this fact. So good, but they were like, if we don't do the operation, the Hoover, if we don't do the Hoover,

then you can have £5,000 back of your £15,000. So I went, yeah, let's take the money. I'm like, when they put that money back in my account, I did feel like I had one deal or no deal. I was going to say, who, it feels very like, bank. Yeah. It was like, bank.

Yeah, yeah. I'll take the money, Chris. I'll take the money, Chris, please, God. Yeah, yeah, it's like, one deal, no deal when they're at the final box and they're like, I guess I'll just take the $5,000. That is where I was at. So that was terrible.

Then I went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, just in 2020, for the whole month. No, what goes there well? It's like no one finds our podcast when they're feeling good. No one goes to the Edinburgh Fringe when they're well. No, right. Really bad. And normal thing to do, just go and spaff the $5,000.

Yeah, did think about that. Didn't. Yeah, well, yeah, actually, it did it at the fridge. Anyway, it doesn't matter. So that didn't work. Long story. Anyway, long term. We are genuinely enthralled and I asked. Yeah. So then they put, then I say to the clinic people, how much does it cost? I said, will you put our friend's sperm in me? And they said, no, because you're no longer eligible for facility treatment because you have

failed this version. And I was like, okay. They were like, so what we can do is you could carry prehist genetic material. We can mix her egg with the sperm and put it in you. And that would be a cool 20K? And I was like, yeah, like another, I was like, no. And also I don't like being pregnant isn't something I like I would like us both to be involved but I really don't want to be pregnant so let's just not do that and then we tried it a few times with Priya

and then... Tried what? Oh yeah, okay, so... So... Yeah, I know the answer to what I asked anyway. I don't! Try what, try what, babe! I was like, right, so... Oh, like, stuff and something in there. Stuffing what in there?

So, like, they said, do you... It's best not to guess, I think. No, I've got a guess that. I wouldn't get, so they, they said, like, I would say, right, so what if we just put the sperm into pre-air? How much does that cost? And they said seven thousand pounds, seven thousand pounds. And I was like, how, the question, the big question we posed is,

for, yeah, for IUI, basically, or whatever it is, right? And so, and it'll cost more when you use a known donor because they can't make more money off that person, because he's only, anyway. So, they said, being a queer parent is slightly tricky. It's very, it's very difficult, unless you've got brilliant friends, because what happened next was, we were like, is it worth seven thousand, pounds to like avoid awkwardness. To just not ask a friend.

Because we've got, but we had him anyway. He was going to be the swim's owner in any case. And we were like seven thousand pounds for him to not jizz in a cup in our spare room. Yeah, okay, yeah. Because this is, and this is in the play I've written, plug, is we have like jam jars in our house. Yeah. And we have a spare room and a friend. Here we go.

And if you go, if you go to boots and you say you've got a large Alsatian that you need to feed medicine to, that they'll give you a really long syringe like a really big long string my friend did it with a turkey baster and had a kid yeah you can do it anyway

I don't think we should give any sort of medical advice on the podcast but go ahead it's your whole you can put anything I didn't do it I think do it if you want

to do it anyway so we tried do a pretty a few times it just wasn't working basically it just didn't work didn't work and then pre was like

I like I want a break from this and I was like it's exhausting to keep trying it was a thing and pre was like should we just put it in you this time and I was like why because I'm infertile like that's not going to work and she was like I think you're like are you doing like a get out situation are you trying something here because you should both be trying this really and they didn't say you were infertile they said that they you didn't have many eggs no they didn't mean any eggs and I was ineligible for fertility treatment and I was like fight and put it in me also I had to like ask his permission be like do you mind if you put it in me like I think he must imagine if he said no it's like oh no that was just for good batch it's a good back yeah no no no no no that's a good back yeah no no no no needs to go no yeah I don't want it's like you put flowers in a vase and your mom's like oh that

fast you like Christ yeah yeah get the good fast anyway so then we so we put it in me which was I have so many things to say about this and then four weeks later I was pregnant with our child the first time the first time and the gag is do you know how lesbian you have to be to have sperm set your own fertile body once and that's the big gag so then now I Now I have a child. Wow. Do you know what? Being 25, who...

26 now. I was that you've born the day after my birthday. So it was just 26. Crazy. And what's she like? This angel child who came to you upon one go. A white, blonde hair, loud. I said all this to, like, Priya, was like, you know,

did you speak to Priya about this? And you were like, she's me? Probably. I feel like that's what you said. I saw Priya, like, a couple of weeks going to the show together. Sometimes she says to me, Come on Helen Bauer, like, talks to our baby. And it's like, come on, Helen Bauer.

Okay, no, we did not talk like that. Wait, what's wrong? What's, what's baby doing? What are we doing? She's very tall. She's very tall, she's blonde and she's got blue eyes. And she's also, like, very, like, charismatic and lively, lively. Okay, what's she done?

She's just, like, is she sleeping? No. She's screaming? She talks to herself. She talks to herself. And, like, she doesn't talk, obviously, she's three months up, but she, like, babbles to herself. That's so sweet. It's fair.

It's very, it's very, she's not. Go on her. I don't. she'll be going blah blah blah blah Come on Helen The name is The name is not Helen Watch out for that

I got expelled from Kresh as a baby You've got to watch out for it How Got expelled from Kresh Wouldn't stop screaming My mum came and got me At the end of the day I was like a proper babby babby

And they went She cannot come back She is not welcome here That's so much And mum was like You just clearly have been crying Solidly for like an hour and a half And I was like

Yeah Oh blessed Oh my God It's quite funny that you're both quite sure people and you've got this tall baby. But also, yes, but also. Oh, come on, that's not tall. She's not tall, but she's like taller than, I'm 5'1.

Yeah, I'm 5, 5, 5, 8's tall to me. 5, 8's tall to me. So she's quite tall. Yeah, I think it's because she's like so demure. No one thinks she's like tall, but she actually is very tall. Yeah, wow. She's not very tall. She's not very tall. She's not very tall. You can tell for lesbians, we're like, 58's pretty tall.

Yeah, I love it. Yeah. She's tall for your tiny dots, okay? But at the end of the day, she's not welcome in my section of the drop, okay? people are all up. Really? Do you think that's like what's the cut off and tall? Five ten and up. Five ten up. Five ten up. Five nine. How you? Five eight six one. Six one. Okay. Yeah, fine. Fair enough. How tall is what's the upper limit? There's none. What do you mean the upper limit? High. Oh like there's a woman who's a giant. I'm like, you're all welcome. You're a fucking free.

Too tall to take this right. Fine. If I'm a few moment push to it, six nine. I'd say, what the fuck's up in there? Wait. How do you feel, but how do you feel about being a parent now? Oh, like It's the best ever. The thing I worried about, right, is that, like, Priya's like, you know, like, go on. You know, like, in, like, every bit of media about, like, orphan children,

they're always like, oh, I have this idea of Oliver or Matilda or Tracy Beaker. They're dreaming of Miss Honey being my mom. Yeah. Priya is that, right? She is, like, the dream, like, of course she should be a good mum because she, like, wears those dresses, she's very gentle, she's very comforting, very... She's a babe.

She's, like, very good as a mother. I'm like, and I'm like, I'm not exactly. I'm not like Daddy Warb... Do you know what I mean? I'm not like, who am I? So it's like, you've got this wonderful mum and then like the little gremlin like in the corner.

Daddy Warbucks is an incredible father. Yeah, he is, but I'm not a dad. But that's the thing. It's like it's very hard to situate yourself. Yeah, I'm like, so what am I? Like, what am I going to give the child? Because it's not even like I'm a football lesbian. It's not even...

Oh, really? Are you not? I'm really insulted that you thought I was a football lesbian. Why? Well, I've only dated football lesbians. So obviously I'm into them. Good for them, but like... I just mean like, You seem like you could like...

Why is that relevant to anything? It's relevant in so far as it was a compliment, not of insults, that I would suppose that you were one. Never even knew there was a non-football lesbian. Yeah, exactly. Hello. I thought you were into football every time I say... Yeah, I follow football.

You're bisexual? Bisexual. I am bisexual. But I thought, but in, for the purposes of talking about parents that I was conceive of myself. Yeah, of course. But yes, um, I follow football, but I can't do any skills. I don't have any skills.

I don't have any skill. I don't know. It's my evening off when Ellen goes. I thought football lesbian meant somebody watches and dies and like. No, it's somebody. has a team it's like Ellen's a football lesbian and that's what means like Wednesdays

are my night to myself in the house I can't understand oh yeah no I just you could teach them about are you a good cook yes yeah right okay cool so that's something I can do I will be all to cook

but it is weird to sort of think when you don't have any queer I don't have any queer parenting models it's weird to be like what am I what would I be what's my role in all that ultimately we're both doing

is that the same thing which is just like cleaning pool. You're just servants. You're both servants. We're both servants. Yeah. Could you be the drama musical theatre parent? Yes and I will be that. Because we're also Welsh and so our whole life. Esteadford. Esteadfords. So like that is going to be a, I'm going to be

an nice stethford, ma'am as well. What does that mean? That means. I just Bristol I stedford. It's a thing. What does it mean? Is it really? What did you what? What does it? It's a competition. It's like a drama festival. It's like a festival where there's lots of different artistic competitions. like singing choir singing clog dancing whatever and it's a big Welsh festival and it's like a big

poetry competition and it's like all the children in all of Wales compete to be the best one the best child yeah yeah exactly exactly on S4C it all gets broadcast as well on the on the Welsh family channel did you not see the clip of the girl who won last year yeah yeah yeah and it was like huge online oh my god I love to shop yeah it's so good the video of her winning and she's So she's a Welsh learner, so she's an English speaker and is learning Welsh as a second language. And so she did this poem and then the interviewer this amazing woman called Marri Lovegreen was like,

which I'm like, what a great name, Marri Love Green. Yeah, it's a great name. Really, really lovely. It was like, oh, like, oh, how are you feeling? Are you feeling great? And this girl just goes, I don't understand why you're saying. And it's just the best, it went quite viral. And now she's like, I will obviously check that out later on.

Yeah, you have to watch it. She's Ruby, Ruby Davis. I will check that out, obviously. She's so brilliant. Like, I'm not going to meet her. I'm like, how do I? But also, it's not beyond the realm's possibility that we'll end up on some chat show

when I'll see together. It's funny, she said, how do I meet her? And I'm like, I just was in Ireland and met literally everyone I've ever known and then some, so you'll meet her. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I can't wait.

She's like 11, so that's weird. Just go shopping. She loves it. I would, yeah, exactly. Wait, so we need to train your baby to be, I said for baby. What are you thinking? Let's just pick a root.

Dance, drama, singing. I'm thinking. Don't triple threat. Multi-hymed. I'm taking musical instruments. I want her to like play all the... I play piano, but I had to self-teach myself everything. My parents are like not artsy people.

They're sciencey people. So I was like, I'm going to go and just teach myself piano. I'm sorry, did that. And I'm like, she'll never have to do that because I will teach her. Imagine if she's like super sciencey. That would also be so cool because then she can just do all the math-y things in my life.

That would actually be wicked. She can be my accountant. I would love... But I'm also like, of course she's going to be those like... Not artsy, I would love if she was just like... I think she's going to find... all deeply and cool because of what her parents do for a living. Yeah.

Speaking of, you've written a play. I've written a play. I've been a play about that whole experience, yeah. Wait, so you're both going to Edinburgh Fringe this year. Whisk baby? Because you hate pain. Love pain, is what I mean. Because you love pain.

He's going to love it. Edinburgh Zoo has a new pygmy hippo. That's it. As of a couple of months ago, it's called haggis. It's not Moodang. Was Moodang in Edinburgh? Is it too? No, no.

Moodang's in Thailand. But there's been like four pygmy hippos born in the last year. because Moudeng took off all the zoos are trying to make it happen. Oh my gosh. And Edinburgh's answer to that is haggis. I'm obsessed with that.

That's really, were they like going extinct? Not going, like all animals are like in the, those animals are like going out. Including us. So there's been four pygmy hippos born

and they're all trying to go viral but haggis is so cute and you and family are going to love. We will go. You're going to love. We'll go to that. Okay so. You buy me a fridge,

I'll buy me a fridge, when you go. Thank you very much. Yeah, I will. I will come pretend it to you. Were you, Monkey Barrow? Yeah, I'll be staying at him. Yeah, fine, I will come and give it to you.

He is a monkey bell, so I'll find, I'll find, I don't know what room she's in, but I'll come find. So Priya's doing a stand-up show, and you've decided to write a play. Yeah, which means, sorry, have you written a play when pregnant or since you've had a baby, both of which are rude? Well, while I'm pregnant, yeah, well, pregnant, yeah. I was, well, what else was I couldn't do? I couldn't, I say, what else was, I was on tour with Nish.

I was doing, actually. I never thought you stopped working. Yeah, no, I did work. because I was like, because everyone's scaremong because you're so badly that you'll never work again once you're pregnant, once you've had the baby. So I was like, right, so this is my last to rat. So I need to write a play. And also like, I was like, I need to get everything done now. So I just, did people tell you that? Because I like, I know a lot of people who are like, oh, I'm pregnant. I'm not putting on social media because I don't know if I would say it. I don't

know if I would say it. Yeah. Yeah. No, absolutely validly. Validly. I'd be scared. It was, I also couldn't not tell anyone because I was so, I was just throwing up everywhere I And also you were deeply concerned about the tumour rumour. Yes, the tumour rumour. Yeah, so I get it. The title of the place. Question, where does place you throw up? It was on yourself, wasn't it?

It was on your own lap. Oh, that's not, no, it was worse than that, which is that we... Pepper Pig World? No, I was coming back from a gig, and I just had to go to Tesco, and I was like, I need some water, I don't feel well, and I went into the Tesco. And I opened the door, the toilets, and the smell. And the Tesco toilets was so bad that I went to. to go and be sick in the toilet and the toilet

was so full of ungodly things I had to turn to the sink and I looked at the sink and there was already vomit in the sink and so I just stood up on top of the vomit and left and I'm really sorry I can't believe I've asked and that's for me. I didn't know what else to do what else was I couldn't clean it

I couldn't clean because it was other people's I was like this is like it was like hell in there sorry what Tesco was this it was Tesco Robes Way Cardiff I will never cross it's threshold no don't go there I can't be there's vomit on vomit

In the bathroom I'd be amazed Catherine If you went to a bathroom in a Tesco I would never To be fair You were in a bad way If you're doing that Honestly my first question was

Tesco's have toilets Yeah But if you ever want to like If you're pregnant If you're pregnant I'm the same I'm like I really do not like To go to the toilet

Outside of my own home Yeah And like if I have to I know spots in London For example that I will go to I hear that I'll join BAFTA So that I could use their toilets

Good woman yourself Very not There's free toilets it's in Fortimer Mason a couple of doors up. Is it? But are they nice? Yeah, it's Fortimer Mason. But I don't know if I'm welcome there.

I don't know. I feel scared. Yes, you are. I mean, I only use the toilets there. What I also think about Fort Mason is that it's too much of a maze for me to be looking for a toilet in urgency. Every time I go in there, I'm like,

was I just here? Is this? Yeah, everything. But Bafter, you've got to take a lift. I've never been in. Yeah. We'll go. We'll go and I'll show you the toilet.

It's very, very nice toilet. Me walking, me like, I'm just here for a piss. Sorry, lads. I don't like hand dryers either. I agree with you. It's very good. However, pregnancy changes you in a way that you're like, if I don't, I have to use these toilets or I'm just,

like there's no option or you don't leave the house. Yeah. Which I also didn't do. Yeah. Very much. Until I had to do because I was working. So you just have to say, but it is scary. Like people, they were, oh my God, people would speak to me.

And unnamed media professional the other day. This is insane. Priya was doing a record of something. and there was someone, a media professional there who I was holding our baby and Priya was there and he went oh so this is what you do now after like the week before she'd been holding her for me

because I was doing, and I was like Oh my God, like shut the fuck I'll tell you who this is after you won't even know who this is but it's someone I want to know, I want to know It's so enraging because it's like what do you mean like go to work and have a child but also it's just like

women have to do like parents have to take time where they can you know especially if the baby was grown in their body Yes, need a minute to, I don't know, feed the baby that eats from them. Yes, I'm sorry, hi. Yeah, like, it was, yeah, really, like, I was like, what the hell? And people, but people have always been like that. Like, so I guess you're going to stop work.

So I almost felt like I needed to keep working to be like, I will not be stopping work. Because I also love my job. Yeah, yeah. Why would you stop working? That's still weird. Also, fair, if someone, because it's a lot of work to be a parent. And you're also allowed to change your mind, be like, I want to do this, I want to do that. But why is the presumption that people, before they even choose, can even afford.

to stop working. I'm like, who are these people who are like, most people can't choose that. I was very lucky that I she was born on 20th of December which means that I had January maternity pay. Nice.

It's like, I don't know about you guys but comedy work in January is like Yeah, it's dry. It's dry. So I was like, great, that's great. Month, I have a month and then I'll back to working which is basically what I did.

Wow. Wow. Fair Fox. But. Are you still vomiting now or is that sort of stopped? No, it's gone. Only winning a Tesco toilet and there's already. Or like if I hear a thing, again, I don't,

really don't mean this in any offensive. Just if you hear our podcast. Desire your podcast or Catherine Ryan's podcast. Fantastic. These are all podcasts I chose to listen to when I was dying. I was dying and this is when I was dying. That's really sweet. Yeah, it was sweet.

You started the tumour rumour because you get referring to pregnancy as dying. Dying. It was all. Catherine. I do like. Come on, tell us more. Is it the vomiting, nausea? Like I'm so, I know people want baby.

And I wanted that and we had such a difficult time to get in there. But it was just, I honestly, the only thing I could. watch and like consume outside of like people who you know like your podcast Catherine Ryan's podcast and just like nice like uplifting things if I was in really down the dumps I was like watching like documentary spell hospices no because I was like I feel like I relate I shouldn't say this if I was like I understand like I feel I really thought I was dying I was like if I wasn't pregnant I'd be like oh it's so crazy because none of this showed because you were just like you looked so cool you're always dressed

that means so much for me like genuinely you looked amazing and also just like every time I saw you look like man of the match because you like thought it in and be like no yeah yeah it was it was I wish we'd kick together during this time I know I know I didn't I hadn't really conceived of Ellen being pregnant beforehand and now I was like oh my god this is so cool that's so it's hard though if you're like weird about your not weird about your gender that's a really hard but I guess I don't know how I feel about how I'm like she's not to be fair no she's not but like I didn't know how I feel about my gender expression and like how pregnancy would match that because pregnancy is made for like women who are very like very specifically women who dressed like this it's certainly been packing

for a certain type of woman in the way that capitalism loves to take our stuff and sell it back to us yes they're like pregnant women look like this yeah exactly so there's and also but then I couldn't wear my normal trousers because you my your bellies like that so I discovered and this is I feel like this is that this is a revelation this is going to change to quick unity forever please go on you're listening to other people like oh yeah I met you they come and they're like oh you heard you we saw gigless and I'm like oh are you from are you like one of that you're one of Helen and Catherine's people they're committed They've always like blue hair.

Like it? Yes. All lesbians. They've made their own clothes. Yes. So there are people. They're sewed up patch. Oh, love.

Anyway. It's going to be Lucianiac. It is Lucianiac. Yes. But with a personalized patch. And I love us for us. So good. So good.

They, if you, you get chef's trousers. Oh, that's good. That's what I was wearing most of the time. That's what you were wearing in the pub. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what are chef's trousers?

You know what those checked like trousers with chefs. Yeah. And they look so good. And they're loosey goosey. Are they're loosey. Are they tie up? They tie up. So they expand with you.

I still wear them now because they just start off and they just grow with you. Where do you get them? I went on vintage like chef's trousers and then I started buying them off like chef websites

for chefs. Incredible. You were to be fair. Cooking. I wasn't had a ban in the Alpine. Yeah, so that's my recommendation. The play. Edinburgh.

Where's it on? What's it called? It's called relay because of the way we would conduct ourselves with the sperm. is at 335 at Pleasance Beside Oh, wicked

Which is a nice, lovely room That's heaven, that's also exactly the right time To go to a play in Edinburgh Because what you want, you've done your morning comedy You're a bit like, oh, I don't know if I can see anymore A little play It's music in it. I know you hate this, I know

I thought we were talking about a play. It is a play, it's a play, but I'm enchanted Is there a song about egg counting? One, two, three, four, will there be? any more. Yeah, you can't write it. I love to collaborate. Yeah, I can't collaborate.

I can't wait. I'll be Disney. I'll be living in well. Yeah. Yeah. Seven follicles. I think our podcast makes me feel sick. Wow.

I tell you that was something. Yeah. I really enjoyed the show. Okay. So how many songs? So far, so far. Five, six. Maybe seven.

But, but they're like cool. I will obviously go. But it's also like. There's a vogue one in it that's like about going to brunch after you've just inseminated by your friend. I mean, that's good stuff. Go ahead. Is there one about the asking about putting the spunk inside of you and not Priya?

No, there's not a song about that bit. Oh, never mind. So called Choosing Family, which is about like rounding up all of our gay boyfriends and being like, which one of you? That's nice. That's nice. That's nice. That's really funny.

Oh my God. Actually, that does sound really good I would like to see it. To be fair. That sounds great. Yeah, hopefully answer all your questions that you have. And I have a lot of them. Yeah, there's still more. that would be wicked but you're not here just to talk about how you got pregnant specifically

although we have made it seem that way no no no like a Q&A with lila i feel like i've learned so i know right would you like to help us well before we get into it we have to answer a listener problem as you know you've heard the format don't get sick but sorry to bring it up but you know the format of the podcast we have to do it nobody be ill um before we get to it what what kind of advice giver do you think of yourself as um oh i think i'm one of those people i i just i do want to say this because also it's the worst side person it's like and just say it how it is and i don't feel that way yeah because that always makes me think oh you're a cunt you're a twat yeah i think i think i'm an honest advice giver and i like to go about things a roundabout way as evidenced by this baby i guess

what do you mean like like i think i like to think outside of the box when i give people advice and what kind of advice to people come to you with like needing most often I say I wonder if it's anything to do with me yeah it's a lot way to get your trousers when you're gay and pregnant you know what it is what you do when you're gay and had to get gay and pregnant the honest answer is like it's often like women who have previously thought they were straight or being like you will have had these questions also and be like I'm just thinking about eating vaginas

okay I guess go for it like okay somebody's had a rose I sit down sit down With ketchup or mayo, like, what pass? Honest to God, I see Rose at a bar and I'm like, someone will be over. Someone will be over. Yeah, TikTok. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah. So that's the answer, honestly, is. Amazing.

Yeah. Okay, great. I'm excited. In that case, let's see what the advice is. So we have the problem, please, Alex. Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunchboxes quickly with 365.

brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. This is from F. Hi, F! Hi, F! Hi, Gorgeous Hogs. How do I convince my dear friend that buying a mini freezer would not cure but would definitely help her depression? She literally has no freezer, so it has to go to the shop upwards of three times a week

and then is too tired to cook because she gives all of her energy to her incredibly demanding job. You can't buy your way out of mental illness, but one of her main stresses is always being hungry and tired, and there is a partial solution for 119. Oh, sorry, 119 euros, sorry. Money is not an issue for her, but I know she will be resistant. She lives in a constant state of being overwhelmed, but blames herself for the house being messy or not keeping herself fed instead of taking steps to make things easier. I truly believe this will help, um, but until she can find a therapist, but worry that voicing that or just buying her the freezer will be bossy or unsympathetic. Am I being bossy and unsympathetic or not? Thanks.

No, buy her the fucking freezer. What do you think? Buy the freezer. I think if you're, if you're sort of person that has the means to buy someone a freezer to cheer them up, buy them a, that's a great gift. Yeah. Has she got room in a house? What has to assume she has, it's a mini freezer? It's a mini freezer. Yeah, fine. How's more can you get freezers? I think, I don't know, The only thing I'm thinking, you can get them pretty small. Can you? The only thing I'm thinking is... I want a mini freezer.

That's interesting. So both of your solutions are by the freezer. 100%? With a caveat of does she have room for it? Does she have room for it? Oh my God and you could put those little pizzas of Chicago town ones. You know the tiny one?

Oh, if you're buying it, you have to put stuff in it. It's like... Oh, Mars ice cream bars! If they're depressed, you have to put stuff in their freezer. You can't be like, here's a job. Do you know what I mean? I really think, do it, but also don't say this is going to kill your depression

when you give it to her. That's really good advice. Because that's going to, what if it doesn't? And then she's like, well, I guess that's it. The card shouldn't say like, chill out. Chill out. Chill. It's like, chill.

It's actually 100% write that. 100% write that on it. That is so charming. I have to say I disagree. Why? Because I think that the thing that I have felt when depressed is like so much stuff is out of my control. And like I'm sort of like I've lost all sense of.

purpose and choice in my life and like it's all just happening at me and I think a freezer personally would compound that loss of control. If someone locked up with a freezer, I might not have room where I haven't chosen to buy and I actively had. I'm like also the three trips outside are sound like the only time she's going outside. Yeah. If you're depressed. I don't know. My feeling would be like buy her a month's worth of like like a meal subscription where it comes to her door. But I really don't think any But to be clear, I don't think any of it I personally think what you need to do

This is my thought is convince her The freezer is her idea Like my big factory wedding I think you need to be like Whoa babe, you're having such a tough time And anyone would feel this way in your situation What's like the biggest obstacle to like getting you fed Like just because like that nourishes your brain helps you like

What is the biggest? guest. God, could you even get like a, like, you wouldn't need a big freezer, you? Could you even get a little one? Does that exist? Google it. You have to be more easily. Oh sure. Wouldn't it be gas? Wouldn't it be gas if you had? And then I'd buy the freezer.

And then you're like, it's a joke that we have. Oh, okay. I don't think you can randomly be like, here's. Here's a freezer. Here's modern preservation. Are you kidding? I want someone to buy me a friend. Yeah, no, I do. But I think maybe that's when we're different. If I'm struggling, I'm like, take care of it.

I'm not going to ask them to embarrass to ask. I like, get me stuff. Also, please come over and take care of me and buy you something nice. If you fill it with food, then that is sort of you giving her a meal. So, it's a script, you could make meals and then freeze them for her. That's cute. That's a lot of admin. Are you in love with this?

Yeah, I mean, it just sounded a bit like it. We are certainly made better at you. You're now wooing them. I hope that's okay. Is that what this is? I mean, oh, many freezers. Helen, it's really not about you, my sweet. we have to decide on this person get no

I know but I think they should get one don't you have a freezer in your flash yeah but it's not mini it's just normal I feel like they're some one of your people now are gonna I've been at gigs with you where people will present gifts to you like like there's a cute oh yeah I know I know

she's the Sultan like what is like she's more like a child king because she'll be saying they're like give me my gifties I'm a child's king you know what I mean gave or throw yeah yeah yeah yeah like It's not like a salt and it's like

one who keeps going What's next? Bring the offerings. It's such a weird I'm like but that's going to happen It's going to be a freezer Someone's going to bring a freezer Okay well great

I want a mini free I actively would love a mini freezer Well now you put it out there It'll be along I think you know your friend best So you'll know if they're more of a Catherine or a me I don't know

I personally like I've had friends bring stuff over When I've been feeling really down And like obviously I could have read into like oh god do they think that i can't like but for me it came as like oh my god they were thinking about me and they thought for me it's not that they're thinking that i can't do it it's more than i'm like they i just want i don't need to feel like even more stuff is like now i have to find a place for that now to deal with that 119 pounds is like a nice bit euro how much is that in pounds

like 90 yeah 95 the rate's bad you guys are really fucking things off oh god you guys I'm well actually, yeah, Welshers Sorry, sorry Sorry But I love your Bresas and wils You have my daffodagh That's all the swans

Yeah, we can't even eat the daffodils These days, it's an outrage What? Because the Welsh are only allowed to eat them Because you had You'd be fucking joking After the weekend I had Okay, but you're saying ultimately

I'm worrying that You could do something else that money that it would be more and I'm like there was a time when 95 quid you could take on

a little holly bobs but that's not you go to can you go to Lego land could you get two for one fertility

treatments in Wales yeah there is a depressed no there is a depressed person out there

living without a freezer and there is a chance that someone is going to buy them a freezer buy the freezer yeah

buy the freezer I do think buy the freezer but also if she doesn't want it she can take it give the receipt

on top like an auntie gift receipt yeah receipt top. Say you'll return it if they don't want it. And if you don't, I will go back and return it and I will get you something else. Send it to me. Send it to the trusty hogs office. I will take the freezer. Send the freezer to the trusty hogs office. If they don't want it. Do you have like a PO box now? I don't want a freezer sent it. So no. No. We could have it. Oh my

God. We could have it in the office and then when I guess come, we could be like, would you like an ice cream? That would be nice. Open it up because the ice cream, I told you this. It's looking good already this year. May I say this? I don't know if you've ever been to Helen and Soneil's apartment when they live together. Okay, I've never been there and not witnessed a row over ice cream. I want no part of co-ownership of a freezer. No one's arguing. I'm not arguing with you. But would you argue about that? Well, I might be like, I want that one. I want that one. Or I don't know, I just don't want any part of it. It all seems very stressful. But I think personally, it's disgusting. Sorry, can I, in 2025, that you can still buy packs of

Hargan dars in four little pots and they're all different flavours. Who's able to live with that in peace? Why? You need two of each flavour, otherwise it's just going to create rouse. I would argue that multi-pack should all be of the same flavour. I would be in agreement with you. I'm so sick of fast of crisps. Exactly. You can't mix everything.

I want to six bag of crisps in my home for the week. Yeah. And then there's two softening again. There's two ready softness, two cheese and onion. By Thursday and Friday I've got the cheese and onion. I'm like, I hate my life. So why is it coming in packets of six? There's seven days in a week?

Does God not want us to meet crisps on a Sunday? It's mad out there. He maybe wants you to rest. He? Rest from meeting. I said he. Taking crisps away. That's a woman's move.

That's someone's mom. He's giving one. Not me. Not me. That's a career's job. She can be the one. Incredible. Okay, well, I think we've solved the problem.

And two to one, you've got to buy a freezer, my guy, because I, I've been outvoted. The right thing to do. Layla and Avby, where can be very emotional about the time? freezer. You are. Oh wait, before we get into it, sorry, just before we get into where everyone can find you, you were going to say something about the market is looking interesting. Is it this new season of ice creams? Yeah, just really quickly, all the great flavours from last year back. You got your Lotus Biscop crossover. You've got your Hagen-Dars pass. You've got your

Ben & Jerry's pots. Yes, they're at least a couple new flavors. We don't know what they are yet. You've got your twisters. You've got your twister twisted, which is the twisters with a twist of flavour in them. You've got your bounty ice cream bars. Always a big shout-out. Real, real fancier. Yeah, bounty ice. Oh my God. Mars is always as good as ever. They are so much better

than the Mars bar. It's actually mental. What are? Mars ice cream bars. Yes, but I would say a Snickers ice cream is the best. I don't want chocolate ice cream. I want chocolate and I want ice cream.

I don't want chocolate ice cream. Thank you, Lela, for being here. Wow, okay. Wow, now you've made us feel like. Salero. Hello. Hello. What, and you love special cake.

No, it's not. No, it's so toxic. Oh, citrus and dairy. Or let me put some lemon inside some cream. Oh, lovely, that's curdled. Oh, I love it. I will say I do love Salero, but that is born of being raised in a Weight Watch's house. Is it?

Right, am I finding out that salarers are good for you? Is that what this is? They're not good for you, but they are like 92 calories or something. Really? Yeah. I did know that. I would have eaten it if they had the most calories. Having the nicest conversation.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Wow, yikes. I like a salar. You are part of it. Don't do that. I don't want to be part of this divorce. There's Ferreira Roche flavors.

There are Fello's. They're coming out as ice cream. Rello and Barreara Roche's ice cream. Oh, Fella Rosh. You wouldn't like it. You get me in it. I love Ferraro Roshay. Me too.

Don't want it as an ice cream. Wait, they're doing an ice cream. I'm so excited. Maybe I'll get that in the way home. That's a treat. All right. Okay, sorry. Layla.

Where can we find you? Wales and. Yes. What a boring joke I love this I love you I love you it's giving dad jokes

yeah it's really great sure well okay Instagram is Leila does Insta

and my thread I hate that the social media is all run by right wing horrible I know

I know we're gonna tag Layla and everything yeah Layla does Insta on threads

because that's how that works sure and then Leila does TikTok now okay and what about

Edinburgh if people are coming here you there the whole month Yes, and they're all month, apart from the 12th, because Oasis are there, so that day off, that's a day off. Are you going to see Oasis? No, no, no, but I just don't want to. You just want to be indoors.

I want to be indoors, hidden away. Hadn't not thought about that. Yeah, choose your day off as one of the, seventh, eighth or 12th. It's already gone to sell, didn't it, this moment? Is it, have you chosen a day off? Anyway, that's relevant. Well, yeah, that's favorite. Find out when it is.

Fine. And you are going to be there, and it's 335, gorgeous time for a play. The play is called Relay. Yes. And I'll be there with a pen and paper, taking notes for all my questions. Are you coming to watch? I'll probably try to come for a weekend. You have to.

But also I might just catch everybody in Soho. Same. Yeah, I'm like, oh, maybe so ho. We'll see. Yeah, they'd be lucky to have you. Come on. You come see, you come see, you come see,

the kind of things I can say when I'm not going to say. Oh, they'd be lucky to have you. They'd be lucky to have you. I don't care when anybody's face. See you next to your house. Does anyone want to come to my show? I'm so exciting.

That's so thrilling though. Enjoy it. And hey, well done. On not dying and making a baby. Yay! Thank you so much to our executive producers. Look at you there in your lounge. Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Annie Tonner, Stephanie Katrachia,

Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Sadie Cashmore, and oh, ding, ding, what's this? A new member of the club, Angela S. Thank you for joining us. Angela S. Let's get that gender parity. Is Angela Scanlon? No, I didn't say that.

No. And welcome to the club. No, you guessed that. We said highly unlikely. Oh my God, thanks for joining, guys. And to our amazing producers who also have a lounge, I like to think. It's L. It's Richard Bold. It's Harold Van Dyke.

It's Tim and Domus, David Walker, as Rachel R. It's Claire Owen Jones. Sing it with me. Sarah and Molly, Ria Fin, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina, Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Woff, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Liz, Fort, Taz, Anthony, Chloe, Becky Fox, Dean, Michael, Sophie Chivers, never figured it out, Kerry Sews,

never figured it out, Charlie A, KC, Jam, Rain Bird, Bryn, which always makes me think of the girl from the later seasons of dance months,

Ezra Periguin, Laura Pollock, Leah Overend, Stephen Chicken, always a bit of fun, Dougie Robertson, Hayley Singer, Sarah Deakin,

Tamson Smith, Arding. Did you put those in a different order to usual? Yeah. That is very good. You really kept me on my toes there.

It's even funnier, because you were like, sing it with me, and I was like, couldn't if I tried. Yeah, Don't even a letter. Good news.