Trusty Hogs - Ep186. IAN SMITH / Dynasties, DIY & Dr Pepper

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

A guest that's been a long time coming, it's the silly, lovable and charming IAN SMITH! Meanwhile we plan an exposé on big brand dupes and help a listener in the depths of DIY disaster…FOLLOW IAN: @IanSmithComedyNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCall / Charlie WeemesPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. What's up? It's Helen Bauer from the podcast, Trustee Hogs, and I will be going on tour

with a stand-up show. You heard it here first, or maybe you heard us discussing it in the extras. Who knows? That's your business. I'll stay out of it. I'm hitting up the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I'm hitting up Soho Theatre. I'm hitting up various places across the UK and and I'd so love to see you there. Oh, tickets on my website. And it's called Blesser. Fuck, Catherine. Hello!

And welcome to episode 186 of Trusty Hoggs. You're wearing your sunglasses. I'm wearing my sunglasses. It's mainly because of my eyes are watering a little bit because I just, you know, that muffin we just got for free. Wait, what did you get for free? Hello, hang on, rewind. Hello, welcome to episode 186 of Trusty Hoggs,

the perfect podcast. No, no, you've nailed it, but we're the perfect podcast. The podcast where we talk about our perfect lives. I just feel like people should know what it's about. Yeah. She's Helen Bauer. Hello. She's wearing sunglasses, her eyes warding and she's licking some sort of wound in her mouth. Because I ate muffin. Well, wait, wait, wait. I'm Catherine Beauxhart. We will tell you about everything that's going on with Helen and answer your problems momentarily. We're both in Mensa. Yeah, it's really easy. I'm sure you don't already guessed it. Couldn't even do the sentence. The trusty hogs, yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem.

They'll have guests, and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs, or maybe not. The thing is, we were just downstairs. Oh, did you hear that chair? Did you break it? I don't know, maybe. Yep, maybe.

So I am. Shallow. I went to, God, that maybe was so fucked. No. It was so fucked. We went to that cafe downstairs and it was Friday, closing time. And they were like, would you like some free salad? And we were like, not what we were hoping you'd say, but yes, we'll take the free salad.

We got our boxes of salad. Mere moments later, they were like, do you want some free cake? We were like, now we're talking. I love that that is your retelling of it where actually what happened is they went free salad. We both got it. I walked past. I went, can I get a free fork for my free salad? And they went, do you want a free pastry?

And I went, you're joking. And then I got two free pastries in a bag. I turned to you and went, Catherine, something amazing is happening at the counter. And you went, what? What? And you stood up. No, she said Catherine could have some too. I know.

But like, it was after I got given it. Oh. And then like your need for free. You were like, yes, yes. I do love free stuff. I love free stuff. Yeah. And so we got free cake.

What did you pick? I got a blueberry muffin. A chocolate babka. Oh, I love babas. And some carrot cake. What a delight. Okay, you went for three. She said I could have as much as well.

I went for two. I think that's appropriate. I will bring them home for Ellen tomorrow. Yeah, I will binge them all on the bus to my gig after this. It's probably better to just have two then. Oh, yeah. I got a muffin. Wait, haven't you already eaten one?

Yeah. So funny to say, I'll just so funny to say. moment it's handed over. Somebody to say, I'll do it after the bus, on the bus. You'd be like, wait a second. Isn't your injury muffin inflicted? What was the muffin injury, please? Does she have a Benjian disorder?

Did she eat a muffin the moment she got it? Yeah, maybe. To be fair, they look delicious and they're fresh now. It was a chalky muffin, but because... I went white chocolate and berry. That's that, there's a dignity to your ordering. Thank you. That I think I haven't quite mastered.

Honestly, I just was too indecisive and what I was hoping was I'd stand there long enough that she'd go, you can just have them all, but, but, that didn't happen so I just took the three that were closest to me well I not that dignified really I got the I'm how I got muffin in my throat oh my god I ate it and like what would you say like a minute yeah it was like really softia saying it look Zofia's face says it was way quicker than a minute but I'm impressed because it was the end of day muffin it'd probably been out for say two three days right so like I've just sort of hoovered in like all these crumbs but also in the excitement of the chocolate chips and stuff i think i got confused between

chocolate chip and the back of my lip and had a bit of a big bite down yeah i don't want to see that please stop showing it to me i beg you to stop showing it to me please please i really like watching you lick it is not my time i'm a period i hate when you go old greer you get so weird when you get old greer it's like ugh it's grim but um yeah you know what what, Catherine, how about you tell them about your day and I'll just go get some water from over there? Are you still that choky? It's, um, it's dusty and bloody. Okay. Well, that's horrific. Thank you. I'm mad to say that that tastes like your period, but fine. Um, hello, I'm Catherine. Do you know what? I've had a bit of a manic day. I am trying to prepare my life to move somewhere

else for 10 weeks, which turns out, it's actually more stressful than I gave a, can, gave a, um, credit for being. So I've just been sort of running around doing those things like buying tampon. for a period I don't currently have and mascara because I'm about to run out and sun cream because I'm a ginger woman going to Tenerife and so on and so forth. You mustn't buy mascara before going to duty free.

I just wanted the one I like. What's your brand? I think people would like to know. It's really boring. I just get L'Oreal the like plump. It's very... I've got a L'Oreal one. Yeah, so cheap. So good. It's so good. I actually used to spend a lot of money on mascara and now I'm like

they're... The cheap ones are really good. that's a silly thing. I think there are things in makeup that the cheaper ones are not good, but mascara is not one of them. I think it's actually worth spending a decent amount of money on an eye shadow because when you get them too cheap, they tend to drop very easily and be quite like sandy almost. Fine, fair enough. I'll spend money on a nice palette. But mascara is done so well. I always think I remember seeing someone do like reading the ingredients, right? On the back of like, I don't know. There, I said it. I like Mabelin as well.

Don't know if you've heard of it. Kind of neat. On the back of drugstore packets like super drug and boots, like their own brand is the exact same ingredients as like Chanel and stuff like that. It's just a different perfume. Most of them are made in the same factory and they're, but it's genius. What they do is they make them in the same factory with the same ingredients and they package them differently because then you hit three different target markets. You get the people who can afford the expensive one.

You get the people who can afford the mid-range one and you get the people who can afford the cheap one. Yeah. It's very smart. Yeah. Market capture. It's crazy, though, isn't it? It's great.

And you're just sort of like nothing's actually like... Bojolet is the same as Chanel, isn't that right? What's Bojolay? It's a cheaper... Is it Bojolet the cheaper makeup brand? They're the same. Oh, I don't know. Bojolet.

You can find out which are made in the same factory by just Googling any of them. Isn't that so mad? It's brilliant. It's brilliant. We should do a deep dive onto it, like next episode, like exposing. I am, it turns out. unless there's a podcast that's already done it for me, I won't do a deep dive.

I won't do an expose. I'll go, I'll bet that's true. Would you do? I'll bet that's true. And then I'll sort of hold that as a dear conviction until a sort of American man who's gone, I pull up outside the Chanel factory, gravel under my truck.

You know, like, and then he does a deep dive. I'll be like, okay, fair enough. But yeah, no, I will not learn for myself. And you can't make me. career thing though would you do like a Greg Wallace inside the factory but not with Greg Wallace um thank you for clarifying yes and absolutely with no Greg Wallace yeah I'd obviously no Greg Wallace oh I'd love to go with Stacy Dooley to a makeup factory and go right what's going on where are you keeping the animals yeah exactly it loves you

gorgeous yeah that'd be great that'd be great that would be what would be like the dream TV show for you to like be the host of oh my god yeah no one Didn't we say that the other day? We did say that the other day. You have to go on it. I also absolutely love the makeup one. Oh my God on BBC 3. I love it with Val.

What is it called? What is it called? I love it, love it. Yeah, I mean, I love lots of anything that was like post show reality TV would love, like would love to dissect maths, would love to dissect traitors, all of that. Oh, these are all so achievable. I would love to do the like companion show for a, queer dating thing.

I'd love to host the queer ultimatum. They have a red-headed American woman who hosted and she's straight. What? The ultimatum is when couples go on and they're like, either we leave this island, engaged or broken up. And I'm like,

why is a straight woman host who? This is a true. So good. Hello. She's all like, what do you mean tops? I'm like, get out of my way. So yeah, that's the kind of thing I'd love. I'd absolutely love to do that. But I also would love to do intelligent, curious documentaries. But not where you have to do the deep dive.

I've got both Stacey's in me. You know what I mean? Nice, nice. A non-deep dive documentary. A surface documentary. No, no, I could do a deep dive if I had the help of researchers. With researchers. I'm following you now.

Yeah. I'd love it if you did a documentary where you were like, I refuse to do a deep dive though. So we will just be skimming the surface. No, I'm way too nosy for that. And telling you things you can just find out on Wikipedia. No, I'm way too nosy. Can you imagine no Irish woman. can do even do a surface conversation never mind uh god people will be like how's the weather

we'll be like how's your heart we're not able like we can't i wouldn't be able for it what about you okay oh toxic dating show in an ideal world i mean toxic diet show no i think that would be just boring i was joking i would absolutely love you imagine you being like ew get in a line of who's the thinnest no i just like i mean i can imagine me doing that like like, ugh, like whatever they say. Oh, for breakfast. Oh! Actually, now I want to do it.

I actually really want you to do it. You're doing fashion makeover. Not with that body, no. I can see everything. No, I think. It'd be like fat families. Do you remember, we've got four massive girls. We could do Trini and Susanna,

but we just come in behind the curtain and go, Oh, gross, no. Do you smell as well? Ew. Have you ever known love? Christ. Oh, no, that would be awful. Okay, ideally, in an ideal word, if I was braver, it would be ghost hunting.

Oh, really? So funny. But, right, dream world. Yeah. Ready, steady cook. Cute. I loved it. Oh, my God, I forgot bake off.

My dream. Oh, yeah. Or sewing me. Those are like, obviously, those are the two, obviously, like, everyone wants to. to do, of course. Not as much as Ready Steady Cook. But Ready Steady Cook is such a fun choice. Two morons from different parts of Britain

arrive in a studio with a bag full of their favourite ingredients. They don't have to go together. Often they don't. They never do. Two professional chefs, one who's about to get done for shoplifting, have to do their best. And then an audience of people hide up, hold up either a tomato or a pepper,

the two things that look the most similar. and then Amesley Harrier just has a guess how who's one. It's true. It's perfect. God, Ainsley's perfection on that show. Isn't he? He's just everything. God.

I've brought in rice and strawberries. You just gave me such a vivid. They always bring strawberries and beef. Why? Why? So many lads just coming in from Northampton with two maxi-pags of mince beef. And it's always like, or it's always being like, I just want something that's easy. and then it's like, what have you brought?

And it's like, oil and spices and quails, truly. And you're like, what? Why? Babe, come on. I love it so much. You just brought back such vivid memories of me because I, what's in your vest did you?

Well, no, because I didn't have, we didn't have cable TV until I was 17, almost 18. Because of the famine? No, everyone else in Ireland had it is just, we didn't have it. Okay. So we had RT1, which is like BBC 1, RT2, and Tiji Kahn, which was Osweilgo. Okay.

And then later on in my teens, we had, TV 3 which is the third channel which came a real thrill but until we got cable TV we obviously only had these and so when I went to my great Aunt Mag's house she'd be making a ham for my dad in the kitchen and I would she had this amazing bungalow it was so beautiful and I just thought she had like trinkets every I just her house was just like magic old lady's house like just like actually heaven but she was so clean and her garden to this rose garden she was just so beautiful but I loved going to her house. And so I'd go to Auntie Mag's house, but she had this armchair in the way that women whose husbands have passed and live alone are like, the armchair goes right in front

of the television and it's my, I don't need a chair for other people. We don't, why would they be watching my television? So Nail Patel is living with that as we speak. But she made a choice. You know what I mean? She made a choice and it's a beautiful armchair. So I would go in there, turn on her television and she had all the channels. And ready, steady cook would always be on. And she'd always have always, no matter what time of the year, wasn't the same. seasonal for her. She'd always have like a tub of roses. And I would just sit there and absolutely

eat this woman out of house and home while my dad did the same thing in the kitchen and watch that show. And I had forgotten about it until now and I'm just like how lucky I am to have had a nice lady in my life. Right? Yeah. And ready, steady cook as well. Let's not forget. Ready, steady cook. But ready city cook

would have been. God, I loved it. And even then actually, now that I think of it, even then being like circa 11 or 12, I remember with surety and arrogance, and so I was like, I could do better than that. Do you know what? That's the whole of TV when you're younger. Sholving purple roses into my mouth and be like, I can fucking do better than much.

I was like technically the thickest kid in the country. I'll say it. And I'd be watching 50-50, which was like a big game show for kids here. And like kids would be like doing actual maths. And I'd be like, fucking morons. And then I go to school the next day and they're like, what does that clock say? What time is it? And I'm like, oh, I'm bloody no.

I'll ask me when I'm 14 and what have a good guy. It's mad that you got away for so long without people knowing that you couldn't read the time. What I'll say is this, though, I was really into cooking as a kid. Like, my mom was brilliant at keeping us, like, letting us do everything in the kitchen. Like, she really taught us to cook hands on, which is great. Your mum, from this podcasting from anyone who's just listened to it, she is like Betty Crocker. Yeah, she's a sweet lady. She's a sweet lady.

She can put together a spread, but not like a spread as in like a good home cook. Like, she can host. The woman's an incredible cook as well. That's the thing like she, I think in another life would have been a chef. Do you know what I mean? Like she loved that she was always. If she hadn't had those fucking brats. Genuinely.

Genuinely before we ruined her life. She's the kind of woman who sits and reads cookbooks when she's not cooking. Like she just reads them for fun. And then she was like, listen to this. Listen to this. And then she reads the entire recipe out loud and you're like, yeah, okay, cool. Every single time she gets a cookbook, she wants to sit there and read the whole thing out loud to you. You're like, it's not a story.

We're good. This is bad child. Like, anyway, oh, listen to this. She'll just create. It's so fun. Anyway. she would she got me like a kid's cookbook so i could do certain stuff by myself so there's a chance that i maybe could have done better than the age it's on that but i think i think we were still very

but it was a huge huge huge stance from me to be like in the sense that i would have thought my i used to make these sausage rolls that were in that the pastry was made into a pig's face and it's like who wants to eat that who so i'd be like that'd be better than that like you know it's like well ultimately I don't know that it was but no that's cute I made the noses out of out of and the snouts out of using the end of a straw in the pastry to yeah wow I had a kid's card

as well this is coming back to me now yeah I made a scone based pizza pizza they all have a scone based pizza maybe yeah they didn't do that one but yeah oh god I loved it and the favourite pages use are always like slightly hard to open but probably not yours Catherine's pristine and mine's covered us

is that poo Oh, okay, no. Obviously not. Obviously not. Obviously not. Obviously not. But the two cookbooks I use most right now are still the ones I bake with and they're the most cupcake cookbook and the Ballymalu cookery course book. And they are both like the lemon curd page is so sticky in the Ballymloo one. And the banana cake recipe in the, it is like you just know I use the most. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's kind of nice. I am. It is nice. I've got three recipe books and two. Two of them are ones where I'm like, I'm never going to cook something from them. Which are? But I've got my granny's cookbook, my mum's mother. And it's definitely, it smells old.

That's nice. Like the cookbook, it's, I definitely kept it in a poor storage solution at some point. It's not mold, it's not damp, it just has the smell. Yeah. And it's got like, it's so old. And it's also got so many, like, recipes that she's cut out or written out. But she's got that, like, 1920s. handwriting that really like loopsie dopsy it's like you weren't all doctors why are you all

writing like you are yeah it's not a freaking prescription how i meant to read that i do get it it's like come on margaret you're married a travel agent spell it out spell it out let's go block capitals in black please you're doing jane austin correspondence yeah just do it like you're filling in a passport form please margaret's sweet jesus so i've got that and then for my i think it's my 21st on my 18th my auntie k and uncle john bought me like a proper cookbook like a sort of like you're an adult now here's a proper cookbook but like i don't think i ever use cookbooks i just look up things online i made a curry today can you believe that my first time cooking it is it is a time that's cool it is a time for cooking when you're like you can just go on and you'd be like i have

these you can ready said you cook it you can be like i have eight strawberries a stack of beef and some basil or tie basil and it's like BBC good food so does this and they'll give me the protein quantities too but you're like ultimately there's i have so many fond memories i don't have my mom's copy actually i don't know where it is of um had to be a domestic goddess nijella l also but that was such a significant cookbook in my childhood like i remember very specifically making the christmas cupcakes i did like there's so many things that and the delia one oh dilia oh my god you knew they were classics because every family home the mother would use both and the father would just go out nijela am all right yeah my dad didn't know it

For reading the downstairs toilet. Okay, we had different families and that's okay. I do have my... No, come everyone's dad, wanked Nigella Lawson. He didn't bring the cookbook with him. Well, you know, everyone's dad's different. He brought the cookbook with him? Hygiene-wise, that's crazy.

No wonder the pages are so sticking. No wonder the pages were so sticking. That's disgusting, Zofia. My God, that's gross. Oh my god. My dad, what am I doing? That's my dad. I don't know why you're doing it. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I wasn't. I went on a rest. I was also about to tell such a nice sweet tale, but it's too late. No, I do want to hear it. Just that my dad, just that my brother, he loves lemon meringue pie. Please, that's not be gross. I'm not doing anything. I like Peter.

But I have my auntie mag who I, the aforementioned, who was a really good baker. I have her. old lemon pie dish with a recipe baked into it so I use that when I make it but ultimately we're all still thinking about your dad wanking into a cookbook that then went into the kitchen

question mark I'm moving on Christ how didn't she leave him earlier have you um I'd have left him earlier I've got shout out to Anne she really stuck it out

she stuck it out I'd have left him earlier sweetheart sweet Anne you can tell him that go on mother you put in a shift um he's also a lovely man

no they're lovely people Well, that's just a crime that you've told me so, I'm sorry. To enjoy a woman? Why am I fighting for this? I don't know. What is wrong with me? I don't know.

Okay, I've got a cooking question. Okay, please. Have you ever done a TikTok recipe or an Instagram recipe like on Reels? Instagram, yes, TikTok, no. I don't follow along videos though, if that what you mean. Okay, yeah, because then you're like, you have to watch the video. I'd say about 900 times to be able to figure out what to do. And then each time you've got to start it again.

I was trying to make a soup and I was like oh god no that's so stressful it was even good yeah I will say I've only ever I've just pre-ordered

my first ever cookbook off a person who I watch on Instagram which one Sof's plant kitchen because she does high protein vegan stuff and the recipes

always look just so delicious and also she doesn't talk about calories and it's so nice because she's like clearly like it's like health but not like weight and it's really nice Oh my God, I'm going to check her out.

And I enjoy it. And also she wears cute outfits to the gym. Oh my God, 1.3 million followers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I'm the only woman in my age bracket who's ordered to the book, if you know what I mean. Oh, my God. The ladies be loving so. She's also glowing.

She's beautiful. I want to glow like this. Yeah, she's gorgeous. But her food just looks fucking delicious. It looks so delicious. She's one of those people where you're like, you cannot fathom that they've ever had a bad tomato or apple. Oh yeah. Fruit doesn't go off at hers. Yes, that's so true. Oh, God.

And it's always full. The fruit ball's always full, but nothing ever goes off. And it's like, how are you doing this? I know what the answer? Smoothies. Yes, probably. She seems like the smoothie type. Question, for me, to you, if you don't mind. Here we can. Did you put your tins anywhere in your house? Yes. Cute. What have you decided to use them for? Nothing for the long one yet. It's just empty.

You're going to figure it out. Because we're still, like, I spoke to Nathan about. it. He doesn't know either, and he's only got Fusili pasta at the moment, so we're just not sure. You could put, like, Kit Katz in there, like chocolate bars. Yeah, but it's coming into, it's like summertime, so I want to cold a Kit Kat now. I know exactly. But you put it in the fridge. Can I go in the fridge? It would sit beautifully on the fridge door, don't you think? Then I'm going to fill it with Greek yogurt. Loose. Why is it always the same thing with you? And then the pink and red one at the moment just has nails and things in it,

because I'm obviously doing it as a DIY. But eventually, I think it will be a biscuit box or a cake box because it's perfect size for that. It really is good for a biscuit, isn't it? But at the moment it's, it's a catchal. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. You could also put cheeses in it in your fridge. I like cheddar cheese. I like cheeses. I like a pretty box for my cheese in my fridge. But I do usually like a glass one so I can see what I'm a better woman than you. I get so little done that isn't just reorganizing my fridge. You are the definition of a potterer. I love systems. Yeah. And I love to check the systems are working. instead of like doing my job.

I'll be like, yeah, I could get right to that writing or I could just whip back into the kitchen and check that my storage solutions in the cupboard's working. And yeah, we could say that's adorable or we could say it's a serious mental health issue. Well, why can it be both? Oh my God, I have found, by way of my sister, such a gorgeous fridge solution that no one else will care, but I heard it. I said, I heard it. We'll do it and then we'll bring on my guests because I want to hear a French solution.

Middle Isle and Little, they have these lovely, long, clear holders. is all I can describe them as. They go in your fridge and you can just fill them with like actamels or whatever your yogurts are but they just sit in a lot and then you just pull it out. Also, like a little sort of shelf that moves

and in IKEA they have these things for your fridge that are like a lazy Susan so when you put all your condiments and then you just spin your condiments around it's the best thing I've ever seen and I'm obsessed with them so yeah.

Me and Nathan had a fast fight. Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market.

Yesterday. I'll tell you about it. Wasn't his first day yesterday? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's not a good sign, is it? Well, I don't know. You like what you like, and you like to combat with the men you live with. You're making it home.

It was a ketchup thing. Okay, we'll talk about the extras. Should we bring on our guest? This is one of those classics where we're like, why have we not had them on yet? It's mad that we haven't. I love him. I love him. If he likes either of us, we'll never know.

But God damn, we like him. It's the wonderful. Ian Smith. Ian Smith, Helen Bauer was instructed to get coffees, but the coffee shop was closed. So instead she went to the corner shop. And boy, oh boy, has she brought us some treats. I didn't go alone. I'll say this.

I went with our guest, Ian Smith. Welcome, Ian. you were there Yeah Corsian was that Why do you Would I pick this? You chose them yourself

I picked Listen Listen please Listen bitch It's very very Very aggressive to start A sentence Listen

Listen to me No I actually That's quite clever Maybe it just sounds like you've listened To the podcast Before I know That you will have to start Every sentence with

Listen And it's important And it's a podcast Yeah So people have to listen They must Oh well they can watch No they can wave down

The cameras So listen and look at these drinks. This was my normal choice. That's your normal choice. It was still water with lemon and lime. Well, let's read it out. It is the... Go on, Ian.

Oh, natural... Where do you want me to start reading from? The brand name, I'd say. Volvick. Touch of lemon and lime. Now, here's my problem with this. Oh, yeah. Now, anyone who's not a British listener,

you might not know this, but Volvick had a massive campaign in the Norties, which was Volvick. You can taste the volcanicity. And I always thought that is a poor selling point Because I did not like the taste of volcanicity Have you had volcanicity before? I've had it in Volvic and it is it's eggy Volcanicity is volcano-y

Well it will be if it's sulphur It probably will be eggy But surely they get rid of it egg This doesn't taste eggy But no, that adplice campaign is like It's water with egg But it's weird Would it not be more minerally than it would be eggy

Minerally is nice. They couldn't have got away with egg water, could they? I do. They didn't, for me, I would go into shops like we did earlier, look at the fridges and just go, well, that's a fucking, I don't want to, I don't, and the fact they were like doing, so brazen with it. But then it seems even we're even weirder to be so brazen

and then to be like, we've covered it up with lemon and lime. But you've gone for the lemon in line, which I would never do on a flat drink, but I'm impressed by your, yes, that's your normal choice. Oh, as a flat drink, you have no flavour. I just think water that's still, the taste of something, I think. What's wrong with that? Really? I just hate water. Water is so boring.

Which is why I think I go fizzy because to me that would just taste like flat seven up and I'd be like, you know what I want to seven up. Yeah. Oh, you're saying you'd go fizzy? Well, that leads me into option two. This is deranged as a choice. This one is mad. Talk us through it.

That corner shop was one of those mad corner shops. I love London for those. Yeah, I do love that. Okay, so go on. Explain yourself. A mad corner shop will often have. You think how are you sustained in this business, but it will have like,

international or limited edition, like Dr. Peppers and Cokes. There was a spiced strawberry coke in there. No, no, what? So they just have all sorts. And I love Dr. Pepper. And here we have, creamy coconuts. I don't know about that. First of all, that was gorgeous.

Would hire you as my pretty little assistant. Here we have. But my God, what the hell? I had to get it from, Catherine. He was so excited. It's on the Patreon. Thank you, Patrients, for your financial support. Thank you. Yeah, I've heard you pay for all the drinks.

150 calories. How have they done that? Oh, is that bad? I don't really know what. No, no, it's not bad. There is no good or bad. Oh, there is. I've gone bad before. No, no, but I guess I just mean like how they achieved it in a fizzy drink. It's more like it's an impressive feat that they've managed that. Oh, are you saying it should be less? I'm saying like it takes effort to go over 90 calories in a fizzy drink.

I'm like, I'm wondering what they've put in there. What's in this? And the answer is creamy coconut. Do you think it's coconut that is creamy? Or do you think it's cream and coconut? Where's the ingredient? Oh, God, yeah. I don't really want a creamy texture.

Can I get you... Can I tell you the ingredients? Yes. Carbonated water. High, fructose corn syrup. Great. Come on. Yeha, Merca.

Yes. Caramel colour. Caramel colour. Spelled with no you. We know where this came from. Natural and artificial flavors. Natural and artificial flavors. Sodium benzoate.

It's a preservative. Phosphoric acid, caffeine, sodium phosphate. I'm still waiting for cream or coconut. Me too. And when does the pepper go in? Sorry, that's the end. That's the end of ingredients. There's no pepper in it?

And there's no doctor. Do you think the doctor makes it? Well, there's no coconut. Do you think when they make something like this, they've got like a vat of Dr. Pepper? And then they're just putting coconuts in, like bits of coconut. and creaming. I don't think

a coconut has ever crossed the threshold of the factory. May I remind you, Catherine, out of your own mouth,

natural flavors. A coconut is natural. Is that from the corn syrup? Or it's from like the sweat of the person making it? Yeah.

Well, crack that baby open. Wait, I have to try out. I'm getting a glass. Just get some ASMR for people. Oh, that was lovely.

Oh, this is an incredibly... Does it smell? Oh. It does smell. smell coconut. Does it? Can I have a little whiff? Do you don't want to try some? I've got glasses first, Catherine. Oh my God. Sorry, it doesn't smell like coconut. It smells like sun cream. Oh. Yummy, yeah. Oh. Do you have a little bit of suncream melon?

Let's, um, oh God. Oh, God. There's that caramel color. That's enough for me. Oh, God. Surely that's enough. Wait, Catherine, we can share this. I've spilled a lot. I'll taste a drop. I'll buy. I won't be any of that. Okay, ready? Where's my glass? Oh, I guess I'm having out of the can. that I've just oh no I actually can't drink it it smells too bad have that glass no you've got to have a little bit I actually can't it smells awful don't be a wimp on your own podcast what'd you what do you think Helen Helen swigged that you go swallow swallow swallow swallow

oh no it burns it burns it burns it burns it burns it's acid in that yes do not hold on your tongue it does tingle your tongue oh the after taste is not good the initial taste is all right is it afterwards what were they no wonder it's a limited edition thoughts you've gone so quiet I've never heard you

quiet at first you think that's all right that and then afterwards it's not all right you're not okay we need to talk about Dr. Pepper Pepper Creamy Coconut everything's not okay Wow would it hurt your patrons to have

supplied some kitchen paper they didn't expect you to come in and spill everywhere what I will say is this. I've got my own surprise drink from Helen that might help us clear the palace. You like this. You like San Pellegrino things. I do like San Pellegrino. I love the Aranchata,

their orange guy. No, no, no, no, that's okay. But you do the kindness because I asked you if I could have a passion-free drink which they have downstairs. It was closed. You were trying something out for me. You've brought me this let's say, risk. It is, to be fair, this is orangeia. I think that's orange.

They don't get anything. Arancia. I'm in the UK in that, actually. It's sparkling. That is the northern that you expect to. There's nothing from the UK in here at all, at all. Oh no. Ain't nothing in here from England.

You don't want your egg water. We want your cold water. Listen, it's sparkling orange and pomegranate. Mmm. So we give it a whirl? I think that would be nice. Melo gran. I didn't know that that was, I would have guessed melon, not pomegranate.

Does everybody want to clear their glasses? Do you want to? Yeah. I'm going to have to drink my whole can and then you can put it in the can. Or you can have it in this pig mug. No, no, no, you can have to pick mug. Oh. I'll say, I'll say from the outset it's smelling medicinal and it's smelling like Red Bull, which I don't like. But it's also a very strong color.

Okay. I haven't had an energy drink in a long time. It's giving that. It smells like monster. Charming. Is it? It's charming. I'm unconvinced.

Would you say it's a taste of summer? Yeah. Literally. Isn't that something else? It's gorgeous. It's fruity, it's light Oh yeah, it feels that it's giving me energy It's got a tiny bit of fizz

But not too much that it burns That is so sweet but it's delicious It's delightful Yeah, it really doesn't have A lot of fizz I don't think you could control the fizz level I'd say it's giving the after-tec Did you have more coconut

Oh yeah, mix them Mix them, it's like a cocktail You have to watch on YouTube Helen just drank the creamy coconut thinking it was her Coke and then immediately spat it back into the class and it was honestly so funny

The worst thing is I was holding it because I was like remember that is put away I'm going to put this away I've gone coconut pomegranate and orange How is it? All among three of your five a day

surely That makes it better But there is a tingle Something's going on in that drink It's the five different acids You're fucking morrow sorry By the way if you're wondering If Helen also got an experimental drink

No she got herself a nice Diet Coke like a normal person I love Diet Coke also you got a hole in my mouth right now from a chocolate muffin You got a hole in your mouth fucking hell Everyone's got that Ellen I'll be honest

Thank you and I personally won't drink any more of this Because to me a taste The After Taste is giving CalPol but not the kids one The 6 plus I'll drink it I don't remember the distinction

You do because the 6 plus Thank you so much anyway. But the 6 plus went from being that lovely sort of syrupy thing to the one that has like a sort of, like phlegm-like viscosity. It's white. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't thick enough. It was so thick. It's so thick. It's gross. Tell you my favorite medicine. Yeah. Please. Please. Do you ever have a moccasicillin? It was like a banana-flavored medicine. It was incredible. Yum. And I remember once being like old enough that they were like, you need some tablets and I was like,

nah, let's get this in the liquid form, please. And they were like, what? That's for children. I'm like, let's have it in the liquid form. You heard what I said. Had you had a banana before that? I must have done. Okay. Just checking. Is this the one that school nurses? It wasn't like it was like so exotic. No. I guess you didn't

actually grow up in the like 50s, even though you're 10 or sometimes. No, no. They've got bananas up north. Yeah, yeah. Pretty exciting. Yeah. All right. Um, is that the one that school nurses would hang down? I think still a doctor has to give you a moxicillin. It sounds like a very serious...

Yeah, I was going to say, it sounds like a real deal drug, like... Moxacillin stat, like, which you don't... And it tastes like banana. You don't really say banana medicine stat, but you would say a moxasicin stat, I think. Right? This is an emergency. Ian, now that we've introed and we've done a little wine tasting, how the hell are you, pal? I'm absolutely fine.

Didn't expect you to say anything more than that. My question is this. What, because of my personality or because of how you view my life? No, because I just feel like fine is pretty peak for, like that's pretty good. But I guess it's your personality. But also, the last time we saw each other, we were skiing. You were skiing. I was falling.

I did a bit of skiing. Did a lot of falling over. You were skiing. You were trying. Yeah. You have an injury. Yeah, I'd fallen off a line bike. And I remember feeling very middle class because as I, my leg was out under the

the bike as it was skidding along the road and I thought I saw my leg like um twist the wrong and my first thought was my skiing trip I'm skiing in a week I was like how is this middle class to trip off your bike that you can't afford to you rent it's because you're going my skiing trip what I will say wait say lorierier what I will say about Ian and I was that we were, I feel like we were had a bit because we were like ah, we're all going to go we've never done skiing.

We got there, neither of us had skied that much is for sure. Turns out A, Pierre Novelli had. Absolutely snake of a man. Absolutely. They all have, everyone's a fucking wire. Maze does it professionally, it seems. And then our snake

girlfriends turns out they can both ski as well. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Becky was like, I've done it once, same as Pierre. Yeah. done it once when I was eight. Maybe when I was... What did it when I was... What did it when it was ten, Gavler?

And then they just go sweeping. Yeah. No way. Now, Ellen and Masey were another level. They genuinely, like, they'll admit that they ski with their families and they ski really well and they're on the black soaps like, they were intense.

But Pierre and Becky were like, Pierre was like, do I wear jeans under my salopets? I was like, no, this guy's going to be terrible. He's wondering if he's wearing jeet. I was like, this guy's, yikes. He was putting out red herrings, I think. He was doing that on purpose. And then off they fucking went, like pros.

But what is it? What is the thing about, like, I understand that there's lots of things in life, particularly as British people. You've got to pretend that you're not good at it, even if you are. I know that that's just a weird quirk that we have as a country. But what's the skiing one? Annoyingly, I think they genuinely were like, oh, I'm just like a sort of like, I'm kind of new and bad at it.

Whereas like, we were like, you want to see new and bad? Watch this. Yeah. I had a bruise in my armp. It was awful. It's one of the most violent bruises I've ever seen. In my armpit. I went to Leje.

I did the first trip out there, didn't even get on skis. because the first day I got to the chalet fell three times when I get to the chalet and one of them was a tumble to I fell so hard I frightened myself and I farted I'm not getting on skis after that

Yeah I'm sorry to know that I'm all right now I'm fine it's years ago I didn't fart at any point You think that For the whole week For the week I made it He was levitating by the end

He was actually off to the ground I'm gonna get some picture of I was very ill Do it those comedy trips are genuinely hard As far as farting and pooing sometimes Like No we all had our own toilet Sorry

Yeah No we all had our own toilet So you were fine doing the poos and stuff It was grand Like at least you weren't like Morning colleague Straight afterwards Was that the best comedy trip you think you've been on

We've done lots of other ones We've been to Melbourne Which is hard to beat isn't it Yeah I think my Highlight was Here we go Because I was talking I mentioned very briefly

To Helen on the way to the shop About the first time I did Adelaide There aren't as many comedians there So I'm not saying that makes it worse. I like comedians. But what I like about, like, Adelaide and Leger was that when there's like, say, six comedians or four comedians and they're all nice, then rather than there being lots of little cliques, everyone's going anywhere, you have like a gang. Yeah. You don't have a gang after uni.

It was really nice. It was actually so lovely. And do you know what else was that our girlfriends, Pierre's fiancé and Maisie's husband, A, first of all, the only splinter group was that they did sort of become like the Wag Troop and were cooler than the four of us which is a little annoying but other than that like

they I think it was nice to have four comedians and then four people who were like let's do something let's play again let's go for a meal and it was like oh cool we don't even just have to talk about comedy not just sort of slag off someone in comedy that they don't like or something

no they were only slowing us down when we were trying to do that they'd be like who why do you care sometimes I like explaining who I'm slagging off and to be clear we excelled at that as a group I think But still, but still. But still. But yes, it was a real joy. And also we have, I think Ian is similar to me, but I love free stuff. And so we just did spend a lot of the time

being like, what do you mean? We could just have all of this stuff. They were, there's no financial sense behind the trip we went on. Were you there that day that we were at the table? Was it Pierre's sweet fiancé was in the other room with those very thin doors? And she was basically being like, I don't understand why they're doing this. And the two of us were at the table being like, it doesn't make any sense. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. We had like four jars of apple puree.

That's a big thing. Yeah, they love apple puree. The French. I think they were maybe worried we would all bring our babies, question mark, maybe. Yeah, yeah. You never know. Or do what do they put it on? What do they put it on for heaven's sake?

They put it in yogurt. I don't know if that's an official thing. The in the yogurt. We were doing that. The yogurt was so. The yogurt was so. bland. Oh my God, I completely disagree.

I thought the yogurt was beautiful. I thought I only liked it when the apple was within it, when I'd created my own flavor. I absolutely love yogurt of any kind, though. I will just eat Greek yogurt. But I think maybe what's happening here is that Ian was raised on like fruit corners with crunchy bits and little bits and bob. We had fruit corners.

But then maybe that wasn't your taste, though. Maybe you were more happy to go for like a classic green. No, no, I was raised on them and had them, but I just, I guess, I guess something about I don't know women in the 90s you have to learn to like things like cottage cheese and Greek yogurt do you know what I mean you're like

I don't know I still haven't eaten cottage cheese I'm sure I did as a child but the idea of it you know all the punishment foods that you just get used to and then you're actually like maybe I like I like I like I like I don't no one fucking likes rice cake I don't mind a rice cake I just don't like wet cheese question for you Ian yes favorite dairy for the lunch box

was it, a Baby Bell, a cheese string, or a yogurt pouch? Or a frub. I'd say maybe Baby Bell. I knew it. I didn't like cheese strings. I found it unsettling to be able to string your cheese. Also, it wasn't. Weirdly, once you had, it then was too little cheese to get any real sense of cheese,

although I guess it was flavoured plastic, so maybe not. Yeah, what's the... I can get anything from going right. I know what you mean. Like, yeah. Not one of the cool kids, then, I say. No, no, I really get you. I would have had neither, to be fair.

I didn't have any cheese in my lunchbox. So, pretty sense, pretty excited that you have any. I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for saying so. What was your dairy? Oh, actually, occasionally, occasionally we had the laughing cow triangle. Oh, daryly triangle. Spreadable.

That's one of the few foods I liked as a kid, but now haters are grown up. You should have a way around. What foods did I love as a kid and hate as a grown-up? Oh, well. I used to eat sand as a baby so much. On. Go on. Human breast milk.

I knew you were going to say it before you said it. I was like, don't say boobs, but he's going to say it. It's got to be breast milk. And if I may, nope, still like it. No. The thing is, do you even like it as a baby or is your only fucking choice? Like, it's not like they're giving you a world of options. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I don't remember having a ponchaunt, but then my mother couldn't breastfeed us. So actually, I don't know what I'm talking about. I've never had this stuff. Whereas I was in my mum's tit for about nine, 10 years. Well, you were earlier. As I come in before I went to the shop. Hot from this afternoon, obviously. And I love to go on.

She had a limited edition coconut flavor. Creamy coconut. Oh my God. Can you affect the taste of your breast milk by what you eat? Why would you ask me that? Like with such confidence like I, A, have ever had a child? B, would know or have attempted that fact and C, like it's plausible. I don't know.

I've never had a baby and I hope not is the answer. You have a no something face because it would be really cool because then he could be like, oh, do you understand this quick? Maybe you drink it and then jump or something. I don't know. How long does it take for the flavour to infuse? Would you have to do like two weeks of just nest cleaning? Is this like a pineapple and sperm thing?

How long does that take to infuse, Ian? Pretty fast. Well, I don't know. I guess I'm only on one end of that. You're never spraying up to have a taste. I'm not sort of doing an experiment of one day of pineapple, have a little taste. And go, that's not done enough for me. And then you go, five days is the peak.

Beyond which it gets a bit perfume, actually. It's too much, too much pineapple. Do you know what's awful, though, is like, will you say you haven't done? But do you ever think if I was left alone in a hotel room for like three months, I'd get to that point. Yeah, I don't think so, actually. Oh yeah, no, me neither. Me neither. Then we're all just bantering together. What do you mean alone? Like, what, no other human contact? Do you ever see Mr. Beast videos? That's a very good change of subject. And he does, what, is he making people ejaculating to their house? Challenges where it's like, live alone in this house for

200 days and you'll win money. It's not like, test if your sperm changes flavor, based on how much pineapple you have. No, but you lose TV, you lose iPod, you lose all... But do they then start eating their own com? I guess I haven't watched his videos. I don't know that I've seen that on my Instagram. Surprised if he's managing to monetize that. If you're really tricky advert.

Oh, pineapples. San, what do they call? San, what's the company that does all the pineapples? San, with anyone, hello. Do you know what I'm saying? The pineapple company. Do you know what I'm saying? The little flag, that little tag on it.

Dahl. Del Monte. It might be done one day, but I don't think it is. Dull. Why do you keep saying Dahl? That's the company I think you're thinking of. Is it? San Dull.

No, Dull. Dull. Doesn't sound dull. No, I'm not thinking of purpose. Oh, am I not? Dole. Shall I Google? Does it have to be said with such a sort of fierce intonation.

Dole. Dull. Oh, you weren't just meta-commenting on the conversation. Dole. That's what I bought at first. Boring! Boring! Do you remember

kids saying that? Like, budding to teachers. It's awful. Snoze. Yikes. Yikes. We love to laugh on this podcasting. We love to laugh.

I have a question. You're doing the Edinburgh Fringe. Yes. Now, you were writing the show when I saw you on slopes. Yeah, well, I was certainly starting to. How's it come along? Well, I guess you want to just sell it.

So I guess I'll say fantastically Oh, listen, we don't make any Secret of the fact that often our best shows Are absolute torture to actually write Oh yeah Well, in that case, torture I'm at the point where I can't decide which bits To work on and go with

And which bits I want to start freshly Is this the person Who won best show at Leicester Comedy Festival Or Best New Show? Oh my God, I did! What? Yeah, on Monday. Heaven, well done.

Thank you. Do you guys not read Shorter? No. Wait, sorry, what? You won best new show with your work in progress on Lester. I can't decide which bits to do. Shut the fuck up, hell.

Because they're also award nominated and winning. Helen, shut up. Thank you for that remark. You're the girl who's like, I didn't know which bits to study. So I studied all of them to an incredible standard. Fuck all.

Okay, Ian, how's yours going? Especially compared to Helen, who's killing it. Well, I was at Lester Comedy Festival and I didn't get nominated for shit. To be fair, my Lester preview, I told one story and then looked at my watch and went, whoa, I've done 15 minutes. I was like amazed with myself.

So that I'll go in. I've got a bit about skiing, about skiing trip. Good. I think I saw that. Oh, yeah, probably. We gig together recently. I think you were trying it out. It was amazing.

Was it about how it's falling? Is it the thing you did on the night of the... No, probably not. No, it's an amalgamation of the truth of the skiing trip. And a friend of mine looked at the picture of me in my skiing gear that I sent to a WhatsApp group and said, and I told her that I'd fallen over and she said, oh, the gear, no idea.

So I've got a bit about that. That's nice. I can't wait to see it. But I'm going to a little insight into how I work creatively. Please. I'm going to pretend someone actually said it to me there. Wow. Little lies.

It's called magic, baby. Look it up. Whoa. You know why? Because less characters are better. Yeah. I've learned that the hard way so many times with bits. And then so and so said and then I was like here blah blah blah.

And it's like audiences can't be in, it's like a sitcom. You don't introduce more than six characters in like the first series like alone for like main characters. So you've got to like condense your characters. It is a lot. Yeah. Your first show you'd always be saying stuff like, oh my cousins got like a friend and her work colleague and stuff like that. You saw it. And people would be like, what?

We can't follow it. Yeah. It's why my mom's, like, I didn't say that. And I was like, you have to say all the lady parts. I'm sorry. It's just a fact. It's just a fact. Okay. So it's coming along.

Well, what's called? It's called foot spa half empty. I like their title. I think it's stupid. I love it. What the fuck? Right. What's the plan?

What do you mean? What's a plan? That's good. That's a glass half full. I love it. I love it. Glass half empty. Foot spa half empty.

I love it. It means I'm attempting to relax, but I'm so pessimistic about this fucking shit. I get it. I get it. It also, to me, read like, your life is boogeer maybe than it was, but still you're being, like, it's still a pessimist. Yeah. I guess that's what the show is sort of about of like, if I arrogantly thinking at the beginning of the year of going like, well, what am I going to talk about?

My life feels a bit more together than the last show. Oh, you must think that ever. Yeah, yeah. And then something. stressful has happened and so that will sort of form the show and then they're just doing lots of stuff I was going to do things

and then see what happens so I've entered me and Becky into a competitive speed jigsar tournament sorry what do you know the hell is an avid puzzler oh really are you training at the moment she has a puzzle table I have like the biggest collections of the pub and we live in this like

literally the next row to each other he has a puzzle table What are you doing to train so far? Well... Finger exercises? No, nothing. What? I mean, I've got some material about jigsaws, and we like doing it under the jigsaw.

Which competition is it? This is a Ravensburger one. No, this is at some place called like New Market or something like that. We wanted to enter the nationals, but it was, well, I think they're on Sunday when we're, like, moving out. So we can't go to Bradford and enter the U.S. nationals. I'd love to have you guys over for a training session. Well, like, Rocky, but with jigsawed. Why are you laughing?

It's not funny. I'm sorry, I'm not laughing. I've got allergies. I've got allergies. You what? Puzzlers back. It's where you get hunched because of all the puzzling. This is, this is.

Oh, really? People say it's poor posture and morbid obesity. Not me. I say it's puzzling. Really? And that's what, like, Cozimodo had. No, well, like, Cozimodo wasn't, how do you puzzle in the rafters of a cathedral?

How do you do that? Yeah, the light... He's on large, flat surface. What's he doing? 20 pieces? Well, where do you think Quasimot is living? Like clinging on to the bell? Where do you think he's living?

He's not right. No, he's in the rafters. He's in the rafters. I've seen that film over 800 times. Rafters are flat though, aren't they? We've never had anyone quite that. They're beams. Yeah, you could do that.

Uh-uh. Not a puzzle big enough to get puzzlers back, and he's got a significant puzzleer's back. It's not that. He was born that. that way. What's the film? Educate yourself and then talk to me. Okay. Wow, we've never had anyone push back even a little bit.

I'm so impressed that you held your own for at least two bouts on that. Well, don't. I'd love to have Becky over for a training session. Yeah, no, yeah, fine. I'd love to do that. What are you doing about paper cuts? Thimbles, plasters, gloves? No, but gloves could be an option.

Yeah, I think so. Well, Helen's looking displeased with that. A thin glove? Why are we talking paper cuts when puzzles are famously cardboard? But they can cut you? Paper, if it was paper, we're not building a puzzle. What do you think? We're putting together a piece of paper that's been ripped up.

This is mental, you're embarrassing yourself. Is that not a puzzle, though? What do you think cardboard is made of? A lot of paper pressed down together, which changes what it is. Yes, but it can cut you. You can get cut from anything now. If you're getting a paper cut for a puzzle, then you're not supposed to be in the competition. I have various soft hands.

That's why I was asking my gloves. Or you're moving too fast. I wouldn't get gloves. Do you want to have purchase on it? And the more the puzzle you do, the more sweater you get. And I've seen competitions where people start picking them up by just pressing down on them. You've watched it online.

Yeah. Oh, maybe you'll be watching us online. Maybe they'll be streaming it. You haven't even watched it yet? Oh, I don't know. A thing about this shit. It's fucking stupid. But Becky gets very competitive.

So I think it's going to be very funny watching her suddenly mid doing something. She doesn't really care about seeing all these, I imagine. You get the box you open. it, what do you do first? I think we might split into two teams. Okay. As in two individual people. Okay, what are you doing first?

Someone's finding edges, someone's finding clumps of colour. Incorrect. Oh, well, what do you do then? Turn them over! What? Turn every piece over so they're facing upright. Oh yeah! I imagine that was part of the process.

Well, then say it! What, so you're going to, you think in my head, I've got them all so there's no picture on them. He's made clops of colour. The right background. That's the first thing. I said first thing. Looking at it going, this is the hardest puzzle I've ever seen.

in my fucking life. Found a clump of colour. Like, what? Idiot. Oh, you're an idiot. It's getting very tense. It feels like Christmas with my family all of a sudden in here.

Can I enter? You can enter. Just loads of loving couples are me like singles as I was born. There is a singles event, I think. Oh my God, that's so sweet. Is it busy than the couple's one and the puzzles are.

You can't talk about you ready, Michelle, though. You've already won an award for yours. Yeah, that's true. I've got four months of pulling it out my fucking asshole. So sorry, have you ever. And by that means, it's going really well. Yeah, and have you entered this competition so that you can have something to say about it? I guess what I like to, and my life is very boring.

So what I like to do is when I've started writing a show, I look at all the things and I think, what can I do to extrapolate and get more out of this? And then I just put myself through bizarre stuff. That's so sweet. That's nice. It does, I think, confirm to me that most comedians do most things in the hope in truth that like, yeah, they might have a good time,

but better yet, they'll have a 10. terrible times and they can really write a good bit about it. Well, I think every time as well I've done something, thinking this will lead to a lot of comedy, never leads to as much comedy as like the smaller thing. Yeah. Like I got more out of doing a flotation tank, which costs £45 than I did when I went to Slovakia

with my hairdresser and Stuart Laws and drove a tank over a car. And that cost me like £950. But you did have to pay extra, didn't you though? because it was supposed to be for a full stag door or something. Yeah, it's a minimum group of six. So they won't let you, it's not per person. They're like, this is for six people.

And they kept saying, we can't do it with like two. That's not enough people. I was like, why can't we do it with two? But, well, it costs too much. Yeah. So I was like, well, how much does it cost? He said, um, right, 750 pounds. It's like, I'm doing it.

Can I pay that? It made me pay the full amount up front rather than a deposit because they didn't believe me. Then I had to pay for an Airbnb and a flight. Where did she get the money for this? I'm absolutely loaded. I'm a secret. I'm a Nepo baby.

My grandma is the one who does the apples. Granny Smith. I'm from the Apple family. Oh my God. That'd be so sweet. Yeah. My dad's part of Smith and Western guns. What's that?

Guns. Guns. Guns. You get it? Guns. No, but fair enough, you just really wanted to do it. Yeah, and to be fair, I'd got an acting job. I was cast as boring creep in one sketch on the Emily attack show. Oh, I was in that show? Really? Did you, was yours an insulting party you didn't even have to audition for? The email me direct. I don't think I did audition. But mine was like, I'm a psychologist or something, or like, and fun friend at party. Yeah, they're great.

you're a medical professional and fun I got boring creep I have been email direct for boring creep I have been email direct basically for sunburnt lesbian but other than that I think I went up for that

I didn't get it I'm sorry man and you have the word of Were you like Should I do an accent They were like no it's perfect You got it You got it you got it

We don't get a costume Just bring what you're wearing Yeah that's delightful Wait so you had all this in place And so you decided Fuck it I'm going to do it Yeah I was like At the time

I'm always doubt myself a lot when I'm writing. Like, that's my seventh sure. And I would have spent six months of the year going, you're a fucking idiot and you've got no ideas, and your life is boring. And I'd say that to myself in the mirror just in the morning. That's so cute. Start me off.

So I always had in my back pocket. If I need to, I might go to Slovakia with my hairdress and drive over a car with a tank. He's a good friend of mine. Oh, thank God, okay. I was like, what? Were you just like, I will not have the wind from this tank. We're in my day.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he did offer to do a trim while we were there. But I thought, you can't be bringing your scissors and stuff. No, not through security. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Okay, well, this does quite nice to take us to our next question, which is, of course, this is a podcast where people write in for advice.

Do people come to you for advice often, your boring creep? I don't think so, but I think maybe I have like a, what do you call it, like a deficit or like people, as in, no, as in when I ask, people for advice so often that I'm in deficit of like so people people I think will come to me and be like well I he called me for like an hour and went on about something so he owes me listening to my problems yeah I don't think they think I'm going to solve it but I think they're like if you really need to vent about something like well Ian can't fucking complain okay that's incredible so you are that sounds that's a very ungenerous way of saying you are quite a good

listener, but that is largely because you also feel indebted to the people you've talked at for some time. Yeah. Okay. But if you have been asked for advice, what has that advice been? And it's okay if you're not. Yeah, what's the last thing someone asked me about? I'm surprised you don't get like new, I'm sure you get new comics asking you about comedy.

No, not really. And no one asks where to buy a blue shirt? No. I guess some people have asked me about comedy, but then I would just say like, oh, just, you know, write, write a lot, write a lot of stuff, keep writing. Good luck to the person that's written in today. Yeah, I know, I was going to say, what kind of advice giver are you,

but it seems like, um, obvious and practical? Yeah, maybe. Like, um, yeah, I can't think, um, if I've ever helped anyone in any way, sort of comedy-wise. Okay, just not in life. Yeah, but I'm quite good if someone comes to me with a joke and they're like, how do you improve this? I can do like that, but I know that.

That's not life, is it? No. You want to help me to get a lift. Oh, did I? I think back from Kingston with Phil Wang. Oh, what Phil Wang maybe offered me a lift. And I was like, yeah. Yeah.

So that's a good example. That's nice. Yeah, I went, oh, a little lifts near us. Your advice was pointing your thumb and heading. Well, Phil went, I had my train to go back and then Phil was like, oh, Helen, I would have offered you a lift, but I didn't know. And I was like, oh, I was like, but it wasn't going to say anything. and Ian went, Helen's down the road, totally through Phil under the bus. I got a brilliant.

Phil was not happy with me for that. Fuming, I bet. You don't want a barrow in your car. Behave. No, that's, okay, wow. Well, listen, this bodes well. Let's hope all they need is a lift or directions to the road. Hey, folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast, Food with Mark Bittman.

It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunchboxes or nourishing dishes, dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. Go ahead, Em. Hi, Em, we're ready for you. Hello, this is from M. Hi, Em.

Hello, Em. That's so funny. Oh, it's so funny. Because you're, um, yeah, okay, Slay. But it's not from you, probably. It's not from me. So you say. It's from a gay man.

Oh. Yes. Um, um. Um, says, hi, odds. Different reaction. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi, Em. I have a not so major, but slightly pressing crisis that I need your help. Okay. Probably good is not too major because Ian seems new to this. No, this is my game. And I have you in my arms. My husband recently lost his job and has taken his time off to DIY around the house. To high heaven, but God, it is not good.

I appreciate his enthusiasm, and I'm glad we're fixing things we've ignored for ages. But they're really not getting fixed. I can see countless problems, mistakes, and even with worse damage in some cases. I don't want to crush him because he's been so down since being laid off and also has hang-ups about not being man enough. I don't want to undermine him, but he'll make the whole house a death trap if he continues. talking about some bigger jobs that he is not qualified for. How do I get the drill out of his hands with his ego, emotions, and love for me intact?

I love the podcast, and you were the first people I thought they'll have to turn to. Oh, first of all, thank you so much. And secondly, like, thank God we have a man on the pod. We never have a man on the pod. Oh, you're so fucked. Carry on. No, we can do this. Come on.

Come on, Ian. Tell us. What do you think to this? Well, right. I see the difficulty to hear. Are you a DIY guy? Not really I'll put stuff up

Yeah Like if I buy something From Ikea Or another furniture website Yeah But I'll be like I hope there's instructions in there Yeah for sure

If there wasn't I'd be like Well I'd be living Sometimes I feel I'm sorry to say But with Wayfair I feel like they send you 12 pieces And then a riddle And you're like

What? I just bought a bathroom cabinet That's small enough But I once put a warder From there And I think it was the beginning of the end The end for the relationship

I was in Go on Yeah way fair Can be stressful But I Yeah, this would be a lot easier if they didn't care about this guy's self-esteem. That's the real sticking point. Otherwise, I'd be like, you've got to, I think what I would maybe do is sort of fearing an injury from, like, get one of those joke-shot nails that's in your head.

And you're like, I'll put something on the shelf. I'm one of your errant nails and bits of blood. And this guy would be like, oh, I can't do that. I'll get on to the job market but it sounds like that would crush this guy You're so funny Ian but you're not good at it.

What do you mean? Are you other ideas? No I'm saying that's what I would have said if it wasn't for this this irritating guy's self-esteem that's getting in the way. I've got... No wait, we're going to let Ian try to do...

I guess ultimately you've got to find something else that he excels in outside of work that takes, that you can praise him at, that takes him away from the DIY. It's not so much, oh, you're shit at DIY. But you're so good at baking.

Yeah. Get in the kitchen and bake. Yeah, and you think that's what's going to make him feel like, man enough. It's just like, get in the kitchen and bake. Has to be, okay. We're getting there, though. It just has to be a manly.

They love making meat, meat or bread. They love bread. Home brewing. They love having a starter on the go. It's called like monster or something Yeah, get a starter, get a brew going Yeah, that's smart Yeah, yeah

Barbecue I have an idea Okay, for it This is a thought Okay, so I think in all honesty I would sit the person down and be like I love you, I respect you

and I appreciate your effort But the reality is that there are certain things that are not being done to a standard that I would like here but I don't think you're going to do that I gather that that's not the right answer so what I would do is buy this person because it seems like he needs

to feel his time and he's got a project I would buy this man at like some sort of carpentry course or like course in it's like it's your hobby I know you love it so much and I thought you'd want to advance your skills why didn't you go practice on somebody else's fucking wood

can I give this is a devil's advocate role play scenario they get the carpentry course and they're like, oh, I thought I was doing carpentry course level work already. I guess I'm just a fucking idiot

who can't even hold down a job! Like that? I've got the solution. What if they say that? I'm with Ian. I think being given a course in something that you think you've been competently doing when your self-esteem is low

is fucking mental as a solution. If you put me on Logan Murray's comedy course now, I'd be like, I've been doing this for 50 years. years. This guy just took up the DIY. God, it's so... That is such a funny gift to buy a professional comedian. I might do that for someone.

You should buy that for Pierre. Yeah, yeah. I genuinely think it's trixie, right, because I don't really know I'm just going to say this one thing, Helen, and then I'm going to come to you, which is that I now realize in this conversation, like I don't have to meaningfully

engage with sort of masculinity that's quite that precarious. day to day because I don't live with a man and like I think like objectively it sounds like M does know that that is like not a good but like still something that's like mattering at the moment to this man who's lost a sense of self can we get him a job could maybe we can get him a job I have the solution please please please okay I've been in this situation so many times with people where it's like you need them to know something but you can't tell them because it's just they're

fragile and it's also not your place in the relationship evil third party everyone always has someone else in their life that can come in and do what I didn't have a friend but I've been the evil third party but you go and you go oh my God have you left it like that don't do that

I read this thing online once when someone fell over and died it's so that you've got to get someone in to fix it evil third party they do all the talk they leave they leave and you go to each other

she's a fucking cun what happened to Helen Bauer that was really fucking rude well I've got a problem here one the evil third party are still destroying the self-esteem so then you're in a situation

where you've either got a, you're then going, ah, they're a fucking dickhead, aren't they? So you're the one that builds up your partner. Instead of taking it away, then they start doing shit DIY again, because you've built up their confidence. What's your answer to that, Helen?

My answer is the correct answer, which is you go, oh, that's fucking bullshit. Look, let's just get a handyman in because that's fucking, let's just get that done with, and then she doesn't have to be a fucking problem next time she comes over, and then your husband will say to you,

oh, well, let's just not have Helen over again. and she's a fucking nightmare and then you go, we have to. She's got social anxiety. She says these things because she's awkward. And then you're the good person either way. Hang on. I don't think this is the solution.

I have a different solution. I think that feels like it could backfire because ultimately if you take his side then you end up just going with his. Oh, well buy them a Dr. Pepper, creamy coconut and let's call it a day then. Could you just, here's a thought, could you, when they are out or away

or when they go back to work? Because they will ultimately go back to work. He will ultimately go back to work. Could you then seek, get a handyman in to fix the work and never mention it. Never mention it. He clearly assumes he's brilliant at it. So just be like, why that really stayed up.

Or subtly make it worse so that the next time say he puts something on the shelf. I would give it a kick. I'd give it a kick. Yes, now we're talking. That's the one. It's that. It's where you see a loose screw, you give it a wiggle. Where you see a weak leg, you give it a kick. Break your ankle. Say it was something that happened in the flat. I think you're right, actually.

For the manliness, when they come back and they're like, oh, those shelves are far down. You say stuff like, yeah, I think what's happened is when you're hammering the nails in, you're doing it too hard. You don't know your own strength. Yes, it's not that you didn't put in a roll plug because you don't have a fucking clue what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I will say this. I find this a deeply unrelational problem and I feel like I'm really bad at solving it because my girlfriend's so good at DIY. And if it makes you feel any better, that's also really annoying. Oh, that's a good option.

Get a lesbian in. But for the manliness, like not feeling like a man, keep going on about women who are good at DIY. So they start to see that as a very feminine quality. Yes. Like, oh, Kirsty, she put up a new wardrobe yesterday. Oh, it's so good. She's so good at DIY.

And then this guy's going to be like, oh, it's a woman's thing. It really is. Well, let's just be believable. Ellen's of course. horse are good at DIY, but a Kirstie. Kirsty's aren't talking together. Curstys giving 90s gay, I think she might. She might. No, Kirsty's having a Lamborghini

on a part bench still. You're right. Well, yeah, okay, well, I like that. We haven't solved this man's problem, you guys. I think, if I'm totally honest, the answer is you're going to have to have a meaningful and honest conversation with your husband because he's wrecking the value of your property and that's more important than his

sense of self. Or you just fix it with the DIY when he goes back to work. or divorce? Is that too, is that too much? Thank you so much for Ian for coming on trust cooking homes. Or divorce. Ian, incredible. You really got involved there and I appreciate you. No, you're welcome. Before you go, where can I lovely listeners find you? I guess most of my stuff is on Instagram at Ian Smith Comedy. I'd love a better website but I've got one. I don't really use X formerly known as Twitter anymore.

So I guess it's just Instagram isn't it? Yeah. Are you on TikTok? Yeah, I mean I've got a TikTok account but Jesus Christ, it's an awful place. Yeah, and what about, if you were Googling your Edinburgh tickets and you were like half

empty foot spa, foot spa half empty, what venue are you out of the fringe? I'm on in Monkey Barrow MB1 at 1230. Oh, it's a gorgeous time. Oh, it's a gorgeous time. I'll shout at you for an hour,

then you go off and have your lunch. Yeah, that would be really, really nice. A good energy spike, and then off they pop. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, if you're feeling sleepy. Yeah, you're the guy for them. I'll wake you up. By the way, Ian has been nominated for the Edinburgh Friend George

is an incredibly good comic. You'll have a fucking gorgeous time. Oh, I needed that. And if I may. And your handsome and funny. Thank you. Oh, I needed that. He's really good.

And, you know, the nice thing about Ian is, if you are booking tickets for the fringe, he's like genuinely I hope you don't take this the wrong way but like one of the most bankable like you will have a good time

and whoever you bring will have a good time no one's going to be like what it's like evidently comedy and it's a good time so book you take us now I haven't been to Galia

no well no because you were busy helping daddy make the guns so you didn't have time to be a cloud and working on the orchard oh yes

it's this everybody you're a joy thank you obviously this podcast could not exist could not thrive without our amazing executive producers and producers. Catherine's not here. I'm going to hit all these names.

And you know what? I'm going to do pronunciation. Perfecto. Oh, that's amazing. Okay, thank you so much to our executive producers. It's Guy Goodman, Simon Mores, Stephanie Katrachia, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Angela S, Sadie Cashmore, Sarah Deacon, Amanda McCall. I'm obsessed with how many of these names we've known for like six years at this point.

That's crazy. Thank you also, obviously, to our producers. It's L. It's Richard Bold. It's Harold Van Dyke. It's Tim and Dom. It's David Walker. It's Rachel R. It's Claire Owen Jones. It's Sarah and Molly. It's Ria Fink. Cordelia. Rachel Page. Helen A. Tina Lindsay. Amy O'Reardon. Abby Woff. Matt Sims. Luke Bright. Leah, Kate, Liz, Fort. Taz. Anthony. Chloe Fox. Dean Michael. Sophie Chivers. Shout out. Sophie Chivers. You're a G. Cup.

Messed you last night. Carrie Sooth. Charlie A. K. K. K. J.m. Samson. Samson Smith. Ezra Peregrine, Laura Pollock, Leah Overend, Stephen Chicken, Haley Singer, Dougie Robertson, Charlie Weems. That was incredible. You absolutely nailed that, although I must stress that bra sizing is not part of the producer. It's not part of the producer perks, and that was a special thing. Yes. Thank you so much.

Bye.