Trusty Hogs - Ep187. MAILBAG SPECIAL

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

Summer is upon us and these sweaty swines are delving once more into the Trusty Hogs mailbag for problems on everything from wedding invites to the Argos catalogue… NEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCall / Charlie WeemesPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. What's up? It's Helen Bauer from the podcast, Trustee Hoggs, and I will be going on tour with a stand-up show. You heard it here first, or maybe you heard us discussing it in the extras. Who knows? That's your business. I'll stay out of it.

I'm hitting up the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I'm hitting up Soho Theatre. I'm hitting up various places across the UK and Ireland. And I'd so love to see you there. Oh, tickets on my website. And it's called Blesser. Fuck, Catherine. welcome to episode 187 of trusty hogs I'm Catherine Bohart she's Helen Bauer this is our podcast about our perfect lives

where we tell you about our week tell you about what's going on and then answer our listener problems and sometimes we try to speak in tandem and it rarely if ever goes well look it's hot our bodies are sweating I've got wet crotch it's warm we're in May

I'm presumably still on a beach absolutely melting at this point in Tenerife It's no longer fun. It's just too hot for me to handle. And I don't know which fluids are coming out of my body anymore. Welcome to summer hogs. Welcome to summer hogs. Sweaty girl.

Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew. on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine

And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not What? Pig fact Yeah They can Eat humans

Yeah Yeah don't people get rid of the Like dead bodies that way a lot Yeah but isn't that awful? But then they find the teeth in the mud So you've got to get rid of those as well Do the pig shut out the teeth? They tend not to eat the teeth

Yeah What about the other bones? Oh, they crunch through them like butter, what's that line? Yeah. Christ, what, where's that line from? I don't know, what's that film, Jason Staten film, is it? Snatched. I can't say I've watched his oeuvre in any meaningful sense.

Snatched. Snatched. Isn't that awful, though? Yes, yikes. Imagine being murdered and putting a pig pen. And you wouldn't even be lied to enjoy the pigs. Yeah, that's, wow, what a weird start. But yeah, you're right.

I guess that is, that would be bad. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to the podcast. Anyway, if you're feeling more, more uncomfortable on the tube, just now, at least you're not dead in being eaten my pigs. Congratulations. How the hell are we? We're fine. What I'd say is, the truth of the matter is we love to hog, but we have hogged a lot this

week because we're getting ahead of ourselves, as the listeners know, which means that this is our fourth episode of the week being totally transparent with you guys. So we are out of things to say, on top of which we are out of steam to say them. I just think it's important to explain to the listener why we sound even madder than usual. yeah because there's a thing that happens to us both I think when it's like too late in the evening like it is today for us to like reasonably keep drinking coffee so actually the crazed phase has passed

but the sort of mad phase has entered and the fugue state will come later so I'm sort of just you know flagging those for that what did you show me Marianne's calling what oh yeah I did but I'm busy now I'm doing a podcast you want to say hello I've said it to you like five times my Disney code

What's your Disney code Oh don't say it on the podcast Oh no Okay I'll text you in a bit You have to just wait like an hour Yeah Oh look there's mum in the background You've got Disney there

Yeah I know but she needs that She doesn't have to log in Marianne Jane Not kind Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye, bye, bye, hi, mum. Are you going to send me to come?

Yeah, in an hour. Love you. We're going to watch Disney. Bye, bye. I wish I was at your house. Okay. I wish I was at your house. Oh.

How does she manage to do that? How did she manage to ring, demand, make more orders, make more demands. And then we all, you hang up and we all go, oh. But she doesn't have the coat And it's like Give me the coat Because you don't pay for it It's my Disney Plus

Yeah now to be fair What are sisters for If not to give you their logins For some stuff But I want to watch Moana too Oh bless Oh sweet Marianne Jane This is going to be one of those episodes

Welcome Should we do a problem Let's bloody go M what do we got Okay this is from P Hi P Hi P says Dear Hogs

I love you all so much and I've now seen all of you live after catching one of Helen's recent Bill Murray shows. My problem is short but tricky, my mother. We have... Wait, is that for height? We're describing, or is it a problem short? Hang up on the phone is it definitely gone.

Short but tricky, you just described most people's mom. Go on. We had a big blowout argument over Christmas and haven't really spoken since, but my sister has just let slip that she's remarrying. She wasn't even dating last time we talked, So this is really quick. But apparently the ceremony is in July, and invites have already gone out.

Yeah. I don't hate my mum. It's just complicated and linked to lots of trauma, brackets, fun. I want to be there on her wedding day and I know more about this guy, but I don't want to apologize or beg or anything like that, when the only reason it blew up is because she wouldn't apologize for something pretty major. And obviously her fault, and it was obviously her fault in the first place. What do I do?

How can I bridge the gap without groveling like she always makes me? P. So just to check, P is not invited to her mother's wedding. And she feels like she needs to. I think so. Do we know their gender? Sorry. We don't know their gender.

P certainly, P is not in contact with their mother right now and found out about the wedding via their sister. Yeah. So we have no idea if they're invited or not or if the invites have gone out for this July wedding, although it would seem as they have. But the mother met the new partner, presumably between, well, either was lying and said that she wasn't dating. has only revealed it or that they've gotten engaged in the space of like

three and a half to four months yeah but the question is how does P say meaningfully like I want to be make this make it so that they can be at the wedding but not gravel and apologize for things that they're not sorry for I mean let me know when you figure it out um I thought you I'm sure you would have a solution I have some thoughts I mean I've got solutions but it all involves you having to go like, okay, I want to be at my mother's wedding. And if I need to grovel to be able to make that day as bearable as possible, then I need to do that.

And you just need to work really hard and being able to compartmentalize your head and go like, I've done this because I want this for results. I think overall in the end it'll be better. But yes, it is not me being authentically honest to myself right now, but for the betterment of the whole family and the group, I'm doing this. But I think that's something you could do alongside a therapist, if you're able to. I don't think a therapist would encourage you to grovel.

I could be wrong, but I don't think you should grovel. I think there's maybe a third option where it's like, you know what she wants is for you to grovel. Yeah. But I think there's a way where you could be like, you want to be at her wedding.

As a bridesmaid, I'm assuming. You want to be, I genuinely thought your solution was going to be like show up in either the bridesmaid's dress or in a wedding dress. Catherine, my period is literally starting right now.

I'm shocked neither of those were your first. I assumed you were like, you want to get into a wedding that you're invited to wear a wedding dress i was sure of it second option show up so you're the maid of honor just get into it i thought that was also going to be the oh my god do arrive as the maid of honor that is funny actually i was genuinely shocked they weren't your first two options so i did them for you what i would say is i think there's a third option where it's like you know in your heart you want to be there what you need to make clear i think to your mother is that you want to be there after that i don't think you should grovel i think that then it's up to

her whether or not you're at the wedding. And if you've made clear that you want to be and you're not, then that is her choice and her doing, not yours. So I would say, and I think she'll probably want you there too. And especially if you put in her position where you've said that you want to be and everybody knows you've said that. So actually she looks like the person who's uninvited you. But I would personally, in the most, I think the most authentic thing to do is to probably like get in touch and say, I'm sad. We're not in touch. That feels true. I love you. That feels true. I know things are complicated right now. That feels true. Not a disservice to you. I have heard that you are getting married and I'm happy for you. That feels like it could be true. Or I've heard that you're getting married and I would love to be part of your celebration because you mean a lot to me. Or it would mean the world to me to be there and to get to know your new partner. And you can just do that. You don't. don't need to apologize. At which point, if she replies with, how dare you contact me

without groveling, that's about her. But it's all about her. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, of course it is. But I mean, I think that that P can say all those things and have them be true for themselves without apologising for something that they don't think they should apologize for. Yeah, but I don't know if it does mean the world to P to be there. I understand that you want to be there. You want to get to know this new person, but does it mean the world to you? Oh, they don't have to do those exact words but I just mean like I think you can be like it'll be it's important that I would like to be there yeah or get hired as the singing waiter oh you could do that but I guess I guess my point is I would only say statements that feel true to me and those are all things that aren't about the

fight which I think is probably the best way to do it and you're right in that but I think it's just sometimes for ease when you've got like a time pressure on something but I don't think it is easy to keep. And I also just think like every single time you think this will be for ease and then actually it just gets harder and hard and you have to jump through more hoops because they expect a certain level of behaviour. And actually in this one instance technically she has something to lose too, right? Which is that you wouldn't be at her wedding which presumably she does care about on some level. I'd actually be maybe like this is the time to change a pattern not. Also because there's every chance that Pee gets to know the partner and then doesn't want to go. So if you grovel,

grovel, grovel and then debase yourself and then they're like, actually, I don't support this at all. It might be better just to be like, I would love to get to know your new partner. This is total, I think you're totally right and think it's totally healthy. I just think it's just so hard when you know that it's got to be, you've got to be honest and have that person process that and have that fixed by July. But it might not be, but I don't know, but it's not going to be, it's not going to be fixed if you lie and gravel either. That's also not going to be fixed. That's 2026's problem. 2026, 2027, big falling out again.

2028, we sort of coming together. 29, little weekend away. We're testing the waters. I would say. 2030, Olympics are back in London. Who saw that happening? 20301, it's looking better. 232.

Oh no, it's all underground apart from the peak district. Oh, God. 233, doesn't matter. We're all dead. I read something recently, which is that like, any property bought now is basically going to lose its value and extreme pace because

essentially London's going to be underwater in 100 years and I was like why the fuck would somebody write that even if true even if true don't tell any of us we don't need to know and it's coming for East London first oh few

I was like Catherine Mary Joseph Farrah you're right now your peak district point is right we should be buying high we should be buying I just left a hill I just left the hill buy high sell low no No, set by low

But high Sell high No By low but high Is the takeaway here You know that IBLP book I was listening to The Institute of Basic Life Principles

Shiny Happy People So like it's the book of the mother Who is not on the documentary She's in it She's in the IBLP Like it's her book About raising children in a Christian family And they're so obsessed

With their eldest son and like for many reasons should not be Google Josh Dugger if you want to know more but they have a whole chapter from the book where they're just talking about how amazing Josh is as a businessman and all his business is

he buys things and then sells them and the example they use is him going to buy like 30 do you remember the Billy Bigmouth bass fish like no what's that do you not really it was like it's I think it took a choke hole on Britain, but I'm assuming America as well.

What is it? Because they talk about it. It's the singing plastic fish on a wall mount, and you'd press the button, it would go, well, okay, I do know the, and then it was for simple people and offices to feel like they were fun. We had one in our local fish shop, fish and chip shop, sorry to bring them up again this week, but yeah, we had one, and it would always sing, pop me in the river. Is that what they sang? I thought they always sang, don't worry, be happy.

Don't worry. Is that, that's all I've seen. okay this one was that song that's like put me in the river take me to the water do you feel like they were about to find out now that every town had a different song sold there wow they're all bad it's all weird what was my one i mean i didn't have one but the one that like i saw the most there must have been a couple in fleaks i've definitely seen him but yeah that was his whole um business principle wow and it's like a son has to do nothing for a mother to be impressed like he's a genius just reselling plastic fish right i mean it's

And they were good. They were fun. The fact that we all remember them. How significant was the resale value? I don't know. We're making like three dollars each. But, you know, they're making dollars for the Lord. So it's different.

It is different to be fair. It's Jesus dollars. That's actually, that's, well, loaves and fishes, I guess, are the way to his heart. Now, I can't stop thinking about those naughty's trends that, like, had me in a chokehold. Like what else? Do you remember the, there was, okay, maybe this was 90s, but there was a toy in the Argos catalog. and my friend Catherine Soper's big brother got it and I remember being like he's so cool.

A toy in the Argos catalog? Yeah. Like it came with the Argos catalog? No, no, it was like you could buy it and I remember seeing it in the Argus catalogue and it was this stretch guy. Like maybe it was called Stretch Armstrong or something. Yeah, and you held like two hands

and you could just pull it back and it was like a toy that you couldn't break. Like you could keep stretching it forever. It was so cool. We didn't have one of those. No. Did he go back to normal after you stretched him? Eventually.

Yeah. They're so old school there. That's like a little. And that's like a really like 80s toy. Is it? Yeah. Well, maybe in Fleet it's still, it's just a right. Yeah, maybe in Fleet we were like, 1990A.

Oh my boy. Stretch Armstrong and Velcro. Because I used to for like fun look at the Argos catalog. Oh yeah, we old. Oh my God. Yeah, we all did. That was heaven sent. I could have poured over that thing for hours, especially, let's face it.

September to November. Oh, Santa's coming, baby. The Holy Months. Yeah. The Holy Man. Woo-hoo! Let's get my pencil out and get going. Did you, like, write down the numbers of things you wanted in a book?

And it was, like, purely off excitement. I was just writing down, like, numbers for life. And I genuinely thought that there wouldn't be a world where I wouldn't want to get all my things from Argos. So I would write down planning for a future home, be like, well, I'd need that dishwasher. You can do cookware, you can do toys, you can do garden furniture, you can do jewelry. What is not a love about the art? Agos catalogue, it's heaven. What I find, sorry,

you know when technology went too far from me was when we're not doing the pencil and the little fill-in sheet at the Argos? I know, the typing. No, what? No, the entire joy, that'd be like getting iPads in for bingo. It's like, no, the joy is

the stamp or the pencil. Why on earth? God, we do sound old when we say things like this, but I'm totally with you. They're getting the little pencil, And then, hey, screw it. I'll say it when they went up to the pen that was attached by a chain like in Barclays. Fine with that as well. We're open minded. Loved it. But then to lose that, to have to travesty. Sorry, to have to type it in myself. So I lose the person saying you go stand over there. Yeah. Hell. Crazy. I have such fear as well of typing in the wrong number. Because you remember like back in the day, so now it's like full screens, right, where you can see what number you've typed in. But to check the quantity. back in the day in fleet you would type it into like just a tiny little pad

which would just come up with like the number and say quantity like four but it wouldn't say what it was so you were just like poor dyslexic me was like reading the number eight times letter like number to number so paranoid I'd be ordering like garden furniture I don't want garden furniture

I know I want a moonstone ring for Emma Black and you need to check beforehand because otherwise you'll have paid for it while the time it comes out so you need to know And you have to take it home. You have to. Wow, what a thrill. You know, there's an Argos near me.

Do you want to come? Just like a day trip? I'd say now I don't do much of my shopping in Argos. Really? I'm excluded. Really? I'm only ever there. Honestly, if I met someone who exclusively shopped in Argos, I'd be freaked out now.

I'd be like, have your kids not been to visit in a while? Is everything all right? But like, Argos is like, it's... I don't think people do use it anymore. Well, no, they've closed them all down in Ireland, I think, possibly. A lot of them down. Oh, no. And they never had them in Germany because of the bunkers, you know.

They're being used for other things. Well, Argos has had their storeroom underground. Just a little bit of fun for you. Is that where it all comes from? Wow, what a dark joke. Where did you think it came from? I don't know, just that lovely, what's the belt? Oh, they're like luggage travel belt

I just thought it all lived on the belt And they'd send it out And there were some guys in the back And they'd send it out There are guys underground And I can tell you how I know this Because I actually went to school with boys Who worked in the Argos

Whoa, that's cool Who's jealous now? Yeah Should I say their names? I'll say them Matt Goodsell Can't remember the other names I think we're Helen as a favourite

Wait, what was the question? What was the problem? Oh, the wedding? Yeah, the mum wedding. Definitely I definitely buy your mother a gift from Argos and that's what that riff was about. That's definitely the most loss

we've ever gotten in a problem, right? I was with it the whole time. Were you? No. I was like, yeah, okay, well, well, you know my opinion. I do think that's what you should do. I don't think you should go to that wedding and pretend to be a person that you're not.

I think those events with booze and emotions tend to bring up issues and they often get aired. Even when you don't think that they will, I would just be really, I'd respect yourself before I would rush to my mother's wedding. If you have to choose between self-respect and being at her wedding, then she's made a, make a bad choice and it's her loss.

It shouldn't be yours, I think. No, I think you're right. I think I'm just, I'm like just for the sake of these. But also, whatever you do is wrong or right in different ways. How about that? That's horrible. Whatever option you choose, wrong anyway. Right, wrong.

Well, it's tricky with parents, isn't it? It is. I just hope the food's good. It doesn't sound like it will be. This woman, this woman seems like she has bad taste. If you're choosing, like, to not talk to your kid for three months. Yeah, true. I'm sorry.

It's giving, I feel like the food will be bitter. It's a July wedding, though. Or so salty. If you do get involved. Please. No, I didn't. Bitter or saucy. Salty.

Salty. But saucy is another fun option. Should we do another problem? Yeah. Yeah. Emmy, ready for us? Yes. Let's do it.

This is from I. Hi, hi. You don't get a lot of eyes. It says, Dear gorgeous hoggies, there have been many moments in the past few years that I've thought about writing in,

but I've finally reached a predicament so awkward that your advice may be my greatest out. I'm 23 and living back home in the countryside, training to be a teacher after a few years of living up in London. as most of my friends are still in London I spend weekends to and fro

meaning my dating apps often pick up people from both London and the area I live in now Nice spread that seed Recently it's picked up one such man who is lovely beautiful and very much looking for the same things as I am We've arranged a museum and coffee date for a couple of weeks time And it's fair to say I'm very excited He's an academic in London

But usually the other side to London The other side to London than I spend time So he's an academic in London, but on the other side of London, then they usually spend time in London. Yes. Do we know the gender of the writer? It's a north-south thing. Yes.

I can feel it. Perhaps. This got me thinking, where did my phone pick him up? Maybe he came back to the countryside for a recent Mother's Day trip. His profile said he went to Oxford uni. I know barely anyone who did, so I start thinking about those few. One of them is my ex-boyfriend's brother. We only dated for a few months when I was 18,

but he was my first love and it didn't end very well. The ex-boyfriend was not the ex-boyfriend's brother. I assume the ex-boyfriend. Yeah. Not the ex-boyfriend's brother. I only met his brother once very briefly as we were both leaving the door for a night out. An interaction I barely remember. So sleuthing 95% confirmed that this was the same brother.

Oh my God. The brother, did you get this from me reading it? Fine. Wait, wait, what am I not guessing? It's obviously the ex's brother that she's picked up on the app. Oh, right. Okay, okay. I didn't get that at all from what I was.

reading. And I could really tell. I love that you were reading like, and then, and then, and I was like, it's the brother! And you were like, I've read this through several times. This is not the first time I'm reading this problem. There's some tired girls in the studio. Yeah, I'm sorry. I wouldn't. Catherine, can you just, after M's, because I didn't get it either, I'm,

after every like five sentences, recap it for the room. Here's what I'll tell you. Okay. This woman, or this person has moved back to the countryside having lived in London for a couple of years. She's training to be a teacher. I don't know their gender. I is training to be a teacher and goes to London every weekend because their friends are still all working there

and living there. So they set their apps for the countryside and London. Who's to say who they're going to pick up on a dating app? Delightful. It could be anyone. They'll be in both places, not a bother. Then should not they pick up a gorgeous looking man and they think, oh, hello.

An academic. An academic in London. My God. Now, he is on the side of London that they're not usually going to, but it's fine because they've organised a cute little day. They're going to a museum, heaven on earth. Then I's like, huh.

I mean my first instinct would be perhaps this man travels across London sometimes but I was like this is the greatest mystery that has never been solved so does a deep dive

maybe because subconsciously I could to some degree sense something was up and some part of them was like huh looks familiar where do I know this genetic material

then I has a thing and thanks didn't I have a first love it was brief it was five years ago but it was nonetheless it happened and didn't you man have a brother didn't I meet him on a doorstep

one evening it wasn't significant you were busy I like this story Catherine and then doesn't I go back and look and think fuck that's the brother

that is the goddamn brother none of which thank you guys thank you none of which M picked up while reading the stories everyone yeah the problem with this

is that I have to leave in meeting so confused used by the whole thing for that to work. You must. You simply must. But go on him. So I closes by saying, what do I do from here? All my friends have said go for it anyway because life is too short.

Yes. But even then, do I tell him straight up? Do I play it dumb until it comes out and then act shocked? There is no doubt in my mind that it will come out. It will. But even then, what if it's all too weird and I have to leave, I have to live with having missed out on such a lovely man. Any advice would be a godsend? I have a very strong opinion on this.

Okay, go. I think you have to tell him before you go on the date because I think anything that suggests that you left it three weeks to be like, I just thought I'd check if we vibed before I mentioned that your brother's been inside me is giving like sort of like you're not, you don't even know this man, right?

You've built up an idea of him. It's so nice that like chatting to him makes you think he's that lovely but whatever you've got of him so far is like a projection. To be like I was so gagging for the projection I didn't mention that I've dated your brother to me is a bad dynamic but also if I may

I think it gives him the liberty to go to his brother and go here I've been talking to this girl I like her we have a vibe but you used to date her and then the brother can go or him I have to accept that I don't know I's gender wow and I've got the story but I haven't got the details

but then the brother could be like I'm fine with that because probably I think that's way more likely scenarios that the brother would be like it was five years ago we were 18 that's grand but if the brother's not okay with it it's also a waste of both of your time to go out because that shit always gets messy

so better to just go let him go check rather than for him otherwise by the way the most realistic situation is even if he's on the date having a gorgeous time with you his entire subconscious the whole time is distracted going well I'm going to have to at least talk to my brother about this and in any world where you don't tell him before or the second you get there

go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. and you like kiss or anything else and then spring it it just feels like you lied and it's it's it catherine's totally right you just have to say before going on a date and like if if they're

like look I'm just not interested and you're like okay like that's fine then like you know you just know what you haven't and it's also there's that and that was always going to be the case by the way that that's not going to you're not going to change that by going to the date and being like, surprise, like, if it's an... What I will say is I'll be very surprised if it is a problem. I agree. Because it's long ago, it was just three months, and these funny relationship starting stories are like, I mean, watch when Harry met Sally.

Like, they have all these couples, like, people are always crossing rooms to meet Elsie. Yeah, it's fun. And also, like, I think it would be really funny and it could be fun. Like, I don't, I would... I've done both. That's funny. Yeah. Oh, my God.

It's getting. wedding speech it's definitely like yeah what's the word I'm looking for made of honor made of honor it can definitely be like I considered everyone everyone and then chose this brother like it's nice you can have a laugh at great times they did say it was like their first love too and that's why I think you have to check because here's the thing if it does matter if the person if the ex still is upset they're also still not going to date you or that's like so and ultimately like it's fine you you'll find other people there are other people out there in the world or do you want to just risk it and show up wearing like or just like have your phone in the table and there's

a picture of you and his brother from like back in the day and just sort of be like oh one second oh no all good what was that you were saying you like you like to hike incredible or you bring a smoke and hot video or a video a video a video of you together no smoking hot um photo of your sister so that when you're like when you're like I dated your brother but he can date my sister you know you can be like swapsies no but ultimately you have to tell him that's weird not to tell him well but can they just pretend that they didn't know can you just act no you can't it's so obvious when people pretend they don't know something but they do like i know that because i like i had to do it when i was younger at least what every christmas morning that whole charade

of like opening gifts and being like what did i get today i know i've been in my parents cupboards for two months also like if he if he even doubts you for a minute that will niggle as well. Yeah. It's all just just like tell him. It's fine. Like you don't that you can find other you, yeah. Like if someone has to tell you something that you already like my

the worst thing I have, I did try to talk about us on stage a while ago but it was like when someone tells you something and they go but you can't tell them you know but then you're seeing that person the next day and you're like I know this big thing about you and now I'm thinking do you not trust to tell me? Should I not know? And then you're trying to find random ways to like segue into conversation like you know like on um chat shows sometimes like they've obviously

all pre-prepared their answers they've done a research call and they're like yeah you had a crazy incident with an elephant and they're like oh how did you know about that it's like because oh graham oh graham yeah come on i thought you might ask about why because they told you of course you did jesus yeah how many fingers are you growing inside of you right now i just think I'm sorry, I think it's a real hard like you gotta say. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And then let us know how it goes. Obviously, desperate for an update. Desperate for an update.

Desperate. Also like, yeah. I think I think being 18, I know first love, I think that does help. Or makes it like the entire course of your ex's life was changed because of the devastation that is the first heartbreak. Who knows? Wow. Either way, in which case his brother's. shouldn't date you Let us know

Let us know Thank you Let us do it You know what We're on a fucking role Now should we do another one We're not a roll We've done one problem

The first thing we were terrible I think I am on a roll I think I'm killing I'm on a roll We're doing a problem Just for Catherine Go Ready

This is from H Hi H How are you It might be me I wrote one in Is it you No Because you matter

If I wrote one in You didn't say hi to Oh I Hello H Nice Okay Okay H says I run a small

arts business and although hen party pottery painting is our biggest trade i really want to do more creative projects that engage the community my only toss up is that these projects will require some extra staff that i can't afford at a good wage um i could bring some teens at a lower at a lower minimum rate but it feels unethical paying so much less for someone doing the same job but then i couldn't do these projects without that and the projects are net good i think but are they if it's if they're a abusing someone's labor? What should I do? Shelf the ideas, press on any way, fund it some other way. Any thoughts or ideas appreciated. And I look forward to hearing your response when I caught up. It's fucking sucks not having money and wanting to do artistic things. And I bet they

are net good. I'll say that age. I bet your ideas are net good. Sorry, it's Catherine's problem. But either way, amazing. Also, sleigh, hand do potry classes. I don't know is the answer. Off the top, I'm not like I have an obvious answer to this. My first would be to price all of my competitors, check what they're charging for hendos. If there's any way to viably increase the price for the hendos, I would do that to subsidise the community work. So I'd be checking that we're not, that we are at the most you could be charging for our comparative companies. And I'd chance raising it a little bit. I'd also put an optional charge on every hendu or anybody else using the space that's like, would you

like to add an additional pound towards our community classes there are ways to do that you could also have another local business sponsor your community pottery nights you could look into ways to window companies i feel like always a sponsoring like fleet events that's true um the other part i'm like you could have i don't know i don't know how many people takes to stuff i am always frustrated did when I hear teens being paid less than adults for the exact same job. I also think that a teenager who puts themselves forward for the job probably understands what the wage they're going to be paid is and that it's different to other people and that there's lots of teenagers. I had a job from 15 and I wanted and needed a job. So I wasn't like,

I wouldn't have been like, well, you, your issue. If somebody was like, well, I'm not sure it's ethical to hire you I'd be like I want a job yeah but I think I would first find other ways to subsidize it and then I would also maybe if I was hiring the teens you and you were doing it the community led project at a certain rate you could always be like we are going to put out tip jars for our teens who have worked really hard if you have anything we'd love you to contribute but I don't know I don't really know I would be interested in what unions think about the I I'd probably go to my local union and ask them what they think. But it's tricksy.

I don't really know. I don't know what the correct stance on that is. It's so tricky because then part of it is also like, but there shouldn't not be community art events because if they're not being run in your area, then you do want to run it. And also, I think I was a teen quite similar to you where I was like, but I want to work.

I want to get these experiences. Like I did the end of fringe working as a tech for a summer. If I found out other people were getting paid more than me just because they were two years older than me when I was working as hard as them. I would have been, but they wouldn't be like it would either be teens or they can't afford to do it and I think I'm not saying that's the right thing to do I'm just saying like I can also understand like

that there might be teens that want to do it and obviously you do want to pay them right but that might not be an option right now my first solution is raise the prices for the hens raise the price for the hens first option second option like you can ask people in your community if they want to support it as a project like it is trust us we know we run a patron like you so asking people to support you with what you're doing like hey you do do this and like yes if you support us we you get more episodes right you get two episodes a week but you can have a little extra for the people that come maybe that is more cost for you as well it's it's it's tricky getting these things off the ground and honestly and this is probably like

not a good solution not what you need to hear because it's not very helpful the way you've written that letter to us shows such care and such thought I'm I don't think you're going to be intentionally harming or exploiting anyone. So, like, you're doing your best, and I think you will learn along. But I do get it. Like, you do want to think about your unintentional impact. For sure. And I think, I wonder if there's some way that it's like,

you could do, like, a cooperative, where it's, like, you volunteer at one community pottery class a quarter, and you get three free. you could do a cooperative. In fact, that's probably what I would do if I couldn't raise the prices to my comparatives. That's smart.

I'd probably be like, yeah, or like you volunteer at one a year and you get three a year free, whatever, I don't know how many you're doing. But I think I would do that, try to make it. Because then also people are helping their community as well as benefiting from the,

that actually could be quite nice. Yeah. And I think also just like talk to some of the teens and be like, what is it that you guys need? Like, I know you want to like, if you wanted to volunteer for this, but like, do you need like really good like letters for fucking uni applications or like I don't know like for job applications like good

lex of recommendation like so hard I don't know I want to call my sister who's like a real like unions gal right yeah it's tricksy it's trixie it's tricksy but I feel like your heart is so in the right place and having your heart there is good I just think that like it's objectively a good idea. So there's got to be somebody with money who will fund it. Oh, get like a daddy Warbucks. That's what I'm kind of saying. Yeah. I think that's exactly right.

Oh, how wonderful. You could write, you could put letters in everybody's door. They just say, dear daddy. And then whoever gets back to you. But only through the bald men who can surprisingly tap dance on. And don't open attachments. That's nice. Good luck. Hope that's all.

Take next. Next. Next. Like I said, we're on a roll. I don't know if I'm on a roll anymore. I don't know. I'll do the next one. I'll do the next one. I think we're out of problems. Oh, we're out of problems.

You know what? Can you believe it? That is insanely amazing. I mean, I'm sure there's more in the email account, but we don't currently have them with us. That's fine, because all I want to do right now is talk about when Harry mess out. Please. I love it so much. I mentioned it earlier.

I love it so optimum time to watch. Obviously New Year's Eve. Why? Because, have you seen it? Yeah. And you know when they... Oh, but yeah, okay. I was thinking you meant like staying on New Year's Eve and just watch a movie.

I mean, I... That is literally... That is my ideal scenario, but also I think it's a really good watch on that. I also like it between... I like it in the time between Christmas and New Year's. Yes. I think it's a film you can watch every year. 100%.

I think it's beautiful. Have you seen the parody advert with Sydney Sweeney? Yeah. Have you seen this? Isn't it, it's an ad for something. Yeah, what is it an advert for? it's not really a parody right it's like it's an advert for so god that's not a good advert is that we don't even know what it's for no it's it's billy crystal and meg ryan is it for mayonnaise

i think it might there's a lot of mayonnaise adverts in the moment i feel like it might be for mayonnaise and they're like sitting across from each other they're in cats's delicatessen yeah they're doing it and she's doing it and then sweetie does the i'll have what she's hearing yeah and then yeah maybe it is for mayonnaise I feel like it might be Helmonds, but it could be wrong. Is there any way to check that? Wait, is that the unhinged advert for Kate McKinnon doing the advert for mayonnaise done through a cat who can talk? I don't know what you're saying. Am I having a breakdown or is this a real thing?

There's an advert. I feel like you're doing a word association. Like you said a lesbian, you said a cat. But I don't, we've got to Mayo, but I don't know how we've got there. Do you know, I'm like, I like all the words you're saying, but it's like, I'm freewheeling. There's a mayonnaise advert. Is there? I think four helmans.

And it's Kate McKinnon. with a cat who goes meo and instead of it being meow she hears mayo sorry um go i have i don't know what that is oh i also didn't know what this is but um it is for helmans it's like a super bowl special no oh it was a super bowl special is that does that make sense to you it's a big thing yeah okay yeah yeah yeah but there is there is an advert where kate mccinnon has a talking cat who goes meow instead of meow okay thank god that doesn't feel like a thing you would have made up And then, oh no, but sometimes I worry. Sometimes I worry.

I really get it. It's like when you run into someone and you've dreamt about them recently and you're like, did we talk about that or did I? Hey. Don't worry about it. 100%.

Nothing. What? Hello. Hi. I'm fine. What? Spooky. Spooky.

I want to watch so many comfort films at the moment because I feel like, no, moving and just like, need to get a show ready. Do you want to hear my, and I can only assume that this is what you want, my like teenage comfort films?

That's what I want. Okay, great. I will tell you. We're talking Ever After. I know. Have we discussed this? Because I fucking love that film. Maybe, but I loved it on DVD.

Karen Gantley bought it for me. I loved it so much. It's so good. Now when you go back to it, you're like, the accents are crazy. Leonardo da Vinci is a character in it. It's so funny. It's so funny and so fun. Yes.

Okay, Ever After was a huge one. I would say, what are we? What's the one, the other one? Sorry to bring up another sort of Cinderella story, but it's a Cinderella story. Come on. Those sisters. I know.

If you want to weep, if you want a really good weep, a walk to remember. I'd never watch to remember Mandy Moore. Oh my God. Obviously, she's all that. Wait, I got confused. What's the Bob Dylan film then? No, a walk to remember is, what do you mean?

Oh, that's something else. A walk to remember is Mandy Moore and what's his name, I think, from who looks like Chad Michael Murray, but isn't Chad Michael Murray, do you know what I'm saying? Do you know what I'm saying? The other one? Yeah.

And I won't say who, but somebody has an illness. Okay. Beautiful stuff. I'm assuming him. I'm assuming him. She's All That. Love, she's all that.

It's everything. It's everything. So good. The peak, there's nothing better than 10 things I hate about you. I only watched that like two times. For some reason, it just wasn't in my, like, I didn't have a VHS of it.

and we, I just didn't rent it really. It was my bisexual awakening. It was everything. Like Heath Ledger and Julia in that film, it was just like, oh my God, I am, it was, everyone was sexy. Alex Mack was sexy. What's his name? You know who I mean?

Manic Pixie Dream Boy. You know who I mean. Timothy Salome. No. The one is going out with Bianca. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.

Joseph Gordon Lever. Thank you so much. You know what I'm saying about manic pixie dream boy? Everybody was, and then Alice and Jenny and that dad, the dad from Coneheads, what's his name, Dan? I know the one you mean. Coneheads is a poster I see so vividly in my mind all the time.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, what's his name? Levy. No. No, him making her with a belly. It's just the best film that has ever been made. I love it so much. I don't know why. He's called Larry Miller.

The dad is. Oh, I'm thinking up, but it's not the same guy then. I don't think so. Coneheads is Dan. Who's cone heads? He doesn't play the dad in this. He put at home screaming right now. I know.

Who plays cone heads, Dan? Ah, A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K. I can't watch this. She's not going through the alphabet. Wait, so I try. Dan At Croy. Thank you. Dan At Croy.

Oh, my God. Do they or do they not look alike? Yeah, I mean, thanks for saying. that's generous and kind these are all good options and then of course you got your bring-it-ons oh i was singing that whilst painting the other day i'm sexy i'm cute i'm popular at a boot who am i great hair the boys will love to stare i'm rocking i'm hot it's good stuff it's so good and then other teen comfort films well i mean i loved the not o g but ogy Charlie's Angels obviously

The Lucy Lou Yeah of course I'm trying to think What else were like my Oh stepmom If you need a weep I only watched it as an adult But yeah it's really good

I think others that were significant To me as a teen Quite a lot I'm sure But I just can't think of any of them right now Oh cruel intentions Obviously I don't think I watched that as a teen I think I watched that as an adult as well

Oh my God It was crazy I was very stuck in my ways as a teen I see that Do you know what I'm like Yeah yeah yeah films. What were yours?

These were mine on repeat, I'd say. Okay, ever after, I'd say I was like a mean girl's. Oh my God, yes. But I love you for thinking I was in my teens when that came out. I couldn't handle how good Drop-Dad gorgeous was. It was everything. It was everything. I still think it is one of the funniest films.

I agree. Oh my God, legally blonde, but. Oh, my God, legally blonde. Yeah. If we're in that era. Have you seen the video of Reese casting the new Elwoods? It's not for me. it's too pure she gets the job and she's just like

like I love it it's like X Factor people getting told they're through it's so warming yeah it's not from me I just don't I'm just like she's probably worked for a year to train to get just tell her she got the job not have to film her and like Christ on bike you're not some sort of saint anyway loved it

but go on then I um shout out Reese I obviously love you okay God goofy movie She'll be a list of so shouting out. Shouting around. Yeah, shout out Reese Witherspoon. Shout out, Reese, baby girl. Thanks for being on Patreon.

I liked, there was like, I think it was called the Pagemaster. Do you know this film? No. And it was like, McCauley Colkin, he falls into a library.

I loved that film. Oh my God, I loved that film with the guy, the older guy. But there's books, the books are the characters. The older guy, who's also in Back to the Future

Question. can we check the page master no you do not isn't it the librarian the guy who's in back to the future the older guy with the air

what's his name I don't know I know the guy you mean but like I'm not good with the names anything Christopher Lloyd possibly yeah that sounds right

that sounds right is he also in back to the future is he I think he's not is he docked well then is he in page thingy yeah yeah he's good God I forgot about that film I loved that

that might have been more as a kid though. Me too and that because my next thought was bed knobs and broomsticks and that's just not like that's from my childhood not my that has come out like come up in conversation five times and then during something really creepy walking home late a night walk past it as a DVD

on the street just on the street and I was like what the fuck is happening? What's the world saying? What's the universe message? I understand why it's come up so much recently because I've bought door knobs so there's been a lot of like what are you saying he's wrong with my knob yeah but isn't that mad oh wow wow wow Jumji obviously also in the I know, crazy, crazy, crazy.

Mrs. Outfire, Jumanji. Oh, come on. Hits, hit, hit, hit. I would tell you, I had, like, one of the worst moments as a comedian. You know, like, when you're newish and you, like, you're in Edinburgh for like the first couple of times and you get, like, all of the big comedians drop out of all the game shows that they say they'll do late at night. Uh-huh.

And I was, like, asked to do a game show thing. And it was one of those things where it's like, clearly they have bigger comics in mind when they decide to do this, like, every single single. evening running a comedy game show but it's fringe the bigger comics get tired they drop out they've got other things to do they've sold their tickets which is the only reason they agreed to do your show in the first place which means that newer comics like me get like hey do you want to come do this thing with someone who's a bit famous can i pay you can i pay you god 100% and you like you stand in the rain because you're staying way out of town all night waiting for this one opportunity and i won't

say who the famous comedians were but like they were cool right nice and we had to play a game where it was like you say that you get shown like the name of a comedy legend and you what was it they had the comedy legend and then you were to say films they were associated with and it was Robin Williams

and I'm like all I could think of was Flubber and everyone was looking at me like you fucking idiot and I was like Flubber Flubber they were in Flubber Flubber and they were like what's Flubber? I'm like Flubber! Flubber! Flubber

I loved Flubber I also loved Jack which I was just about to go but now when I look back I'm like

oh it was creepy because she he was 10 and she was 40 but he was 40 I know but it was Creepsville

Crazy right Creepsville Kentucky yeah do you reckon oh my god do you think there's something

in the fact that they only do reverse age films with men and not with women Benjamin Button big Jack

right whoa but they oh no they did they did never mind was it little do you think it's because women do reverse age i've noticed that more recently people are doing really well with it they're killing oh no i want to go home and watch a film i've got a gig that's so annoying sorry i know and i would say i'll watch a film after that but you and i both know i've got my sleepy time any more teen films tell you what this is weird saying that makes it's any more films that you liked as a teen okay teen film little women obviously was hit so many times but they

Winona Ryder one was such a go-to. I love the Charlotte Gainsburg. We disagree. We disagree. I thought it was flawless. It's fine. It's perfect. Although sense and sensibility with Emma.

Oh my God. Emma and Kate, sweet Jesus. I watched that on repeat. Titanic. Obviously. Obviously. Titanic. But my issue is Titanic.

You've never seen Titanic. That's... End the episode. Oh my God, I'm not a Christian woman, but that's ungodly. End the episode. Why? Are you afraid of ice-brown? Have you been here the whole time?

We've heard us talk about it. End the episode. That's actually culturally insensitive. End the episode. Wrap it up. Are you serious? Wrap it up. Em hasn't seen Titanic, so we have to go.

Do we give her a right of reply for a second, no? I don't, I mean, I can't say anything more about it. I've not seen it. It wasn't my vibe. How do you know you haven't seen it? It's everyone's vibe. It was the perfect lavender film. You could imagine he was a lesbian.

It was close enough. We took what we could get. What's a lavender film, by the way? Like a lavender marriage. Forget it. We don't have time. Tell me in the extras. I just mean like, if you didn't have queer representation,

you could at least be like, well, in Romeo and Juliet or in Titanic, you could at least like pretend Leo from behind was, and it was all very exciting. Totally. And now I date. You know what? I'm canceling my gig. You're coming back to mine tonight. We have a lovely sit and watch on my, I don't have a TV yet, but when it's in.

We'll go buy, go by Wing and Argos on the way. M can carry it over. Good, lesbian can get it set up for you. Good stuff. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We'll see you in the extras, those who are there, if not next week. We're so sorry you had to hear that. Have a good day.

Bye. Thank you so much to our executive producers. Look at you there in your lounge. Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Danny Tonner, Stephanie Catrachia, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Sadie Cashmore, and oh, ding-ding. What's this? A new member of the club, Angela S. Thank you for joining us.

Angela S. Let's get that gender parity. Is Angela Scanlitt? No, I didn't say that. There's no. And welcome to the club. No, you guessed that. He said it's highly unlikely.

Oh my God, thanks for joining, guys. And to our amazing producers who also have a lounge, I like to think. It's L. It's Richard Bold. It's Harold Van Dyke. It's Tim and Dom. David Walker, it's Rachel R. It's Claire Owen Jones. Sing it with me. Sarah and Molly, Riafink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Walth, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Liz, Fort, Taz, Anthony, Chloe, Becky Fox, Dean, Michael, Sophie Chivers, never figured it out. Charlie A, KC, Jam, Rainbird, Bryn, which always makes me think of the girl from the later seasons of dance months.

Ezra Peregrine Laura Pollock Leah Overend Stephen Chicken Always a bit of fun Dougie Robertson Hayley singer Sarah Deakin

Tamson Smith Harding Did you put those in a different order to usual Yeah That is very good You really kept me

On my toes there It's even funny Because you were like Sing it with me And I was like Couldn't if I tried Yeah don't even know the lyrics Couldn't you if I dread

It's a new song Thank you for being a patron Thank you for arguably knowing Way too much about us Whoop Whoo Oh, ho ho!