Ep187. MAILBAG SPECIAL
00:00Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market.Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year.Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets.Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid.Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online.What's up? It's Helen Bauer from the podcast, Trustee Hoggs, and I will be going on tour with a stand-up show.You heard it here first, or maybe you heard us discussing it in the extras.Who knows? That's your business. I'll stay out of it.
00:42I'm hitting up the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I'm hitting up Soho Theatre.I'm hitting up various places across the UK and Ireland.And I'd so love to see you there.Oh, tickets on my website. And it's called Blesser.Fuck, Catherine.welcome to episode 187 of trusty hogsI'm Catherine Bohart she's Helen Bauerthis is our podcast about our perfect lives
01:12where we tell you about our weektell you about what's going onand then answer our listener problemsand sometimes we try to speak in tandemand it rarely if ever goes welllook it's hot our bodies are sweatingI've got wet crotchit's warm we're in May
01:25I'm presumably still on a beachabsolutely melting at this point in TenerifeIt's no longer fun.It's just too hot for me to handle.And I don't know which fluids are coming out of my body anymore.Welcome to summer hogs.Welcome to summer hogs.Sweaty girl.
01:41Through the fog.Step forth the trusty hogs.Yeah.You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them.Or maybe they won't and that's your problem.They'll have guests and Andrew.on the techOh, it's Helen and Catherine
02:04And the trusty hogsTrust the trusty hogsOr maybe notWhat?Pig factYeahThey canEat humans
02:17YeahYeah don't people get rid of theLike dead bodies that way a lotYeah but isn't that awful?But then they find the teeth in the mudSo you've got to get rid of those as wellDo the pig shut out the teeth?They tend not to eat the teeth
02:28YeahWhat about the other bones?Oh, they crunch through them like butter, what's that line?Yeah.Christ, what, where's that line from?I don't know, what's that film, Jason Staten film, is it?Snatched.I can't say I've watched his oeuvre in any meaningful sense.
02:40Snatched.Snatched.Isn't that awful, though?Yes, yikes.Imagine being murdered and putting a pig pen.And you wouldn't even be lied to enjoy the pigs.Yeah, that's, wow, what a weird start.But yeah, you're right.
02:53I guess that is, that would be bad.Yeah.Anyway, welcome to the podcast.Anyway, if you're feeling more, more uncomfortable on the tube,just now, at least you're not dead in being eaten my pigs.Congratulations.How the hell are we? We're fine.What I'd say is, the truth of the matter is we love to hog, but we have hogged a lot this
03:11week because we're getting ahead of ourselves, as the listeners know, which means thatthis is our fourth episode of the week being totally transparent with you guys.So we are out of things to say, on top of which we are out of steam to say them.I just think it's important to explain to the listener why we sound even madder than usual.yeah because there's a thing that happens to us both I thinkwhen it's like too late in the evening like it is todayfor us to like reasonably keep drinking coffeeso actually the crazed phase has passed
03:36but the sort of mad phase has enteredand the fugue state will come laterso I'm sort of just you know flagging thosefor that what did you show meMarianne's calling whatoh yeah I did but I'm busy nowI'm doing a podcast you want to say helloI've said it to you like five times my Disney code
04:01What's your Disney codeOh don't say it on the podcastOh noOkay I'll text you in a bitYou have to just wait like an hourYeahOh look there's mum in the backgroundYou've got Disney there
04:17Yeah I know but she needs thatShe doesn't have to log inMarianneJaneNot kindOkay, I'll talk to you later.Bye, bye, bye, hi, mum.Are you going to send me to come?
04:33Yeah, in an hour.Love you.We're going to watch Disney.Bye, bye.I wish I was at your house.Okay.I wish I was at your house.Oh.
04:46How does she manage to do that?How did she manage to ring, demand, make more orders, make more demands.And then we all, you hang up and we all go, oh.But she doesn't have the coatAnd it's likeGive me the coatBecause you don't pay for itIt's my Disney Plus
05:01Yeah now to be fairWhat are sisters forIf not to give you their loginsFor some stuffBut I want to watch Moana tooOh blessOh sweet Marianne JaneThis is going to be one of those episodes
05:14WelcomeShould we do a problemLet's bloody goM what do we gotOkay this is from PHi PHi P saysDear Hogs
05:23I love you all so muchand I've now seen all of you liveafter catching one of Helen's recent Bill Murray shows.My problem is short but tricky, my mother.We have...Wait, is that for height?We're describing, or is it a problem short?Hang up on the phone is it definitely gone.
05:41Short but tricky, you just described most people's mom.Go on.We had a big blowout argument over Christmasand haven't really spoken since,but my sister has just let slip that she's remarrying.She wasn't even dating last time we talked,So this is really quick.But apparently the ceremony is in July, and invites have already gone out.
05:58Yeah.I don't hate my mum.It's just complicated and linked to lots of trauma, brackets, fun.I want to be there on her wedding day and I know more about this guy,but I don't want to apologize or beg or anything like that,when the only reason it blew up is because she wouldn't apologize for something pretty major.And obviously her fault, and it was obviously her fault in the first place.What do I do?
06:20How can I bridge the gap without groveling like she always makes me?P.So just to check, P is not invited to her mother's wedding.And she feels like she needs to.I think so.Do we know their gender?Sorry.We don't know their gender.
06:33P certainly, P is not in contact with their mother right nowand found out about the wedding via their sister.Yeah.So we have no idea if they're invited or not or if the invites have gone out for this Julywedding, although it would seem as they have.But the mother met the new partner, presumably between, well, either was lying and saidthat she wasn't dating.has only revealed it or that they've gotten engaged in the space of like
06:58three and a half to four months yeah but the question is how does Psay meaningfully like I want to be make this make it so that they can be atthe wedding but not gravel and apologize for things that they're not sorry forI mean let me know when you figure it out um I thought you I'm sure you would have asolution I have some thoughts I mean I've got solutionsbut it all involves you having to go like, okay, I want to be at my mother's wedding.And if I need to grovel to be able to make that day as bearable as possible,then I need to do that.
07:34And you just need to work really hard and being able to compartmentalize your headand go like, I've done this because I want this for results.I think overall in the end it'll be better.But yes, it is not me being authentically honest to myself right now,but for the betterment of the whole family and the group, I'm doing this.But I think that's something you could do alongside a therapist,if you're able to.I don't think a therapist would encourage you to grovel.
07:58I could be wrong,but I don't think you should grovel.I think there's maybe a third optionwhere it's like,you know what she wants is for you to grovel.Yeah.But I think there's a way where you could be like,you want to be at her wedding.
08:10As a bridesmaid, I'm assuming.You want to be,I genuinely thought your solutionwas going to be like show upin either the bridesmaid's dressor in a wedding dress.Catherine,my period is literally starting right now.
08:21I'm shocked neither of those were your first.I assumed you were like,you want to get into a wedding that you're invited to wear a wedding dress i was sure of it secondoption show up so you're the maid of honor just get into it i thought that was also going to be theoh my god do arrive as the maid of honor that is funny actually i was genuinely shocked they weren'tyour first two options so i did them for you what i would say is i think there's a third option whereit's like you know in your heart you want to be there what you need to make clear i think to your motheris that you want to be there after that i don't think you should grovel i think that then it's up to
08:51her whether or not you're at the wedding. And if you've made clear that you want to be and you'renot, then that is her choice and her doing, not yours. So I would say, and I think she'll probablywant you there too. And especially if you put in her position where you've said that you want to beand everybody knows you've said that. So actually she looks like the person who's uninvited you.But I would personally, in the most, I think the most authentic thing to do is to probablylike get in touch and say, I'm sad. We're not in touch. That feels true.I love you. That feels true. I know things are complicated right now. That feels true. Not a disservice to you. I have heard that you are getting married and I'm happy for you. That feels like it could be true. Or I've heard that you're getting married and I would love to be part of your celebration because you mean a lot to me. Or it would mean the world to me to be there and to get to know your new partner. And you can just do that. You don't.don't need to apologize. At which point, if she replies with, how dare you contact me
09:57without groveling, that's about her. But it's all about her. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, of course it is.But I mean, I think that that P can say all those things and have them be true for themselves withoutapologising for something that they don't think they should apologize for. Yeah, but I don'tknow if it does mean the world to P to be there. I understand that you want to be there. You wantto get to know this new person, but does it mean the world to you? Oh, they don't have to do those exactwords but I just mean like I think you can be like it'll be it's important that I would like tobe there yeah or get hired as the singing waiter oh you could do that but I guess I guess my point isI would only say statements that feel true to me and those are all things that aren't about the
10:38fight which I think is probably the best way to do it and you're right in that but I think it's justsometimes for ease when you've got like a time pressure on something but I don't think it is easyto keep. And I also just think like every single time you think this will be for ease and thenactually it just gets harder and hard and you have to jump through more hoops because they expecta certain level of behaviour. And actually in this one instance technically she has something tolose too, right? Which is that you wouldn't be at her wedding which presumably she does care abouton some level. I'd actually be maybe like this is the time to change a pattern not. Also becausethere's every chance that Pee gets to know the partner and then doesn't want to go. So if you grovel,
11:17grovel, grovel and then debase yourself and then they're like, actually, I don't supportthis at all. It might be better just to be like, I would love to get to know your new partner.This is total, I think you're totally right and think it's totally healthy. I just think it's justso hard when you know that it's got to be, you've got to be honest and have that person process thatand have that fixed by July. But it might not be, but I don't know, but it's not going to be,it's not going to be fixed if you lie and gravel either. That's also not going to be fixed.That's 2026's problem.2026, 2027, big falling out again.
11:492028, we sort of coming together.29, little weekend away.We're testing the waters.I would say.2030, Olympics are back in London.Who saw that happening?20301, it's looking better.232.
12:02Oh no, it's all underground apart from the peak district.Oh, God.233, doesn't matter.We're all dead.I read something recently, which is that like,any property bought nowis basically going to lose its valueand extreme pace because
12:18essentially London's going to beunderwater in 100 years and I was likewhy the fuck would somebody write thateven if trueeven if truedon't tell any of us we don't need to knowand it's coming for East London firstoh few
12:30I was like CatherineMary Joseph Farrahyou're right now your peak district point is rightwe should be buying highwe should be buying I just left a hillI just left the hillbuy high sell low noNo, set by low
12:45But highSell highNoBy low but highIs the takeaway hereYou know thatIBLP book I was listening toThe Institute of Basic Life Principles
12:57Shiny Happy PeopleSo like it's the book of the motherWho is not on the documentaryShe's in itShe's in the IBLPLike it's her bookAbout raising children in a Christian familyAnd they're so obsessed
13:10With their eldest sonand like for many reasonsshould not beGoogle Josh Dugger if you want to know morebut they have a whole chapterfrom the book where they're just talking abouthow amazing Josh is as a businessmanand all his business is
13:25he buys things and then sells themand the example they use is himgoing to buy like 30do you remember the Billy Bigmouth bass fishlike no what's thatdo you not really it was like it'sI think it took a choke holeon Britain, but I'm assuming America as well.
13:43What is it?Because they talk about it.It's the singing plastic fish on a wall mount, and you'd press the button, it would go,well, okay, I do know the, and then it was for simple people and offices to feel like they were fun.We had one in our local fish shop, fish and chip shop, sorry to bring them up again this week,but yeah, we had one, and it would always sing, pop me in the river.Is that what they sang?I thought they always sang, don't worry, be happy.
14:09Don't worry.Is that, that's all I've seen.okay this one was that song that's like put me in the river take me to the water do you feel likethey were about to find out now that every town had a different song sold there wow they're allbad it's all weird what was my one i mean i didn't have one but the one that like i saw the mostthere must have been a couple in fleaks i've definitely seen him but yeah that was his whole umbusiness principle wow and it's like a son has to do nothing for a mother to be impressedlike he's a genius just reselling plastic fish right i mean it's
14:41And they were good.They were fun.The fact that we all remember them.How significant was the resale value?I don't know.We're making like three dollars each.But, you know, they're making dollars for the Lord.So it's different.
14:53It is different to be fair.It's Jesus dollars.That's actually, that's, well, loaves and fishes, I guess, are the way to his heart.Now, I can't stop thinking about those naughty's trends that, like, had me in a chokehold.Like what else?Do you remember the, there was, okay, maybe this was 90s, but there was a toy in the Argos catalog.and my friend Catherine Soper's big brother got itand I remember being like he's so cool.
15:14A toy in the Argos catalog?Yeah.Like it came with the Argos catalog?No, no, it was like you could buy itand I remember seeing it in the Argus catalogueand it was this stretch guy.Like maybe it was called Stretch Armstrong or something.Yeah, and you held like two hands
15:26and you could just pull it back and it was like a toythat you couldn't break.Like you could keep stretching it forever.It was so cool.We didn't have one of those.No.Did he go back to normal after you stretched him?Eventually.
15:38Yeah.They're so old school there.That's like a little.And that's like a really like 80s toy.Is it?Yeah.Well, maybe in Fleet it's still, it's just a right.Yeah, maybe in Fleet we were like, 1990A.
15:48Oh my boy.Stretch Armstrong and Velcro.Because I used to for like fun look at the Argos catalog.Oh yeah, we old.Oh my God.Yeah, we all did.That was heaven sent.I could have poured over that thing for hours, especially, let's face it.
16:04September to November.Oh, Santa's coming, baby.The Holy Months.Yeah.The Holy Man.Woo-hoo!Let's get my pencil out and get going.Did you, like, write down the numbers of things you wanted in a book?
16:17And it was, like, purely off excitement.I was just writing down, like, numbers for life.And I genuinely thought that there wouldn't be a world where I wouldn't want to get all my things from Argos.So I would write down planning for a future home, be like, well, I'd need that dishwasher.You can do cookware, you can do toys, you can do garden furniture, you can do jewelry.What is not a love about the art?Agos catalogue, it's heaven.What I find, sorry,
16:44you know when technology went too far from mewas when we're notdoing the pencil and the little fill-in sheetat the Argos? I know, the typing.No, what?No, the entire joy,that'd be like getting iPads in for bingo.It's like, no, the joy is
17:00the stamp or the pencil.Why on earth?God, we do sound old when we say things like this,but I'm totally with you.They're getting the little pencil,And then, hey, screw it. I'll say it when they went up to the pen that was attached by a chain like in Barclays. Fine with that as well. We're open minded. Loved it. But then to lose that, to have to travesty. Sorry, to have to type it in myself. So I lose the person saying you go stand over there. Yeah. Hell. Crazy. I have such fear as well of typing in the wrong number. Because you remember like back in the day, so now it's like full screens, right, where you can see what number you've typed in. But to check the quantity.back in the day in fleetyou would type it into like just a tiny little pad
17:44which would just come up with likethe number and say quantity like fourbut it wouldn't say what it wasso you were just like poor dyslexic mewas like reading the number eight timesletter like number to numberso paranoid I'd be ordering like garden furnitureI don't want garden furniture
18:01I know I want a moonstone ring for Emma Blackand you need to check beforehand because otherwiseyou'll have paid for it while the time it comes outso you need to knowAnd you have to take it home.You have to.Wow, what a thrill.You know, there's an Argos near me.
18:14Do you want to come?Just like a day trip?I'd say now I don't do much of my shopping in Argos.Really?I'm excluded.Really?I'm only ever there.Honestly, if I met someone who exclusively shopped in Argos, I'd be freaked out now.
18:29I'd be like, have your kids not been to visit in a while?Is everything all right?But like, Argos is like, it's...I don't think people do use it anymore.Well, no, they've closed them all down in Ireland, I think, possibly.A lot of them down.Oh, no.And they never had them in Germany because of the bunkers, you know.
18:49They're being used for other things.Well, Argos has had their storeroom underground.Just a little bit of fun for you.Is that where it all comes from?Wow, what a dark joke.Where did you think it came from?I don't know, just that lovely, what's the belt?Oh, they're like luggage travel belt
19:09I just thought it all lived on the beltAnd they'd send it outAnd there were some guys in the backAnd they'd send it outThere are guys undergroundAnd I can tell you how I know thisBecause I actually went to school with boysWho worked in the Argos
19:18Whoa, that's coolWho's jealous now?YeahShould I say their names?I'll say themMatt GoodsellCan't remember the other namesI think we're Helen as a favourite
19:29Wait, what was the question?What was the problem?Oh, the wedding?Yeah, the mum wedding.DefinitelyI definitely buy your mother a gift from Argosand that's what that riff was about.That's definitely the most loss
19:41we've ever gotten in a problem, right?I was with it the whole time.Were you?No.I was like, yeah, okay, well, well, you know my opinion.I do think that's what you should do.I don't think you should go to that weddingand pretend to be a person that you're not.
19:57I think those events with booze and emotionstend to bring up issuesand they often get aired.Even when you don't think that they will,I would just be really,I'd respect yourself before I would rush to my mother's wedding.If you have to choose between self-respect and being at her wedding,then she's made a, make a bad choice and it's her loss.
20:19It shouldn't be yours, I think.No, I think you're right.I think I'm just, I'm like just for the sake of these.But also, whatever you do is wrong or right in different ways.How about that?That's horrible.Whatever option you choose, wrong anyway.Right, wrong.
20:36Well, it's tricky with parents, isn't it?It is.I just hope the food's good.It doesn't sound like it will be.This woman, this woman seems like she has bad taste.If you're choosing, like, to not talk to your kid for three months.Yeah, true.I'm sorry.
20:52It's giving, I feel like the food will be bitter.It's a July wedding, though.Or so salty.If you do get involved.Please.No, I didn't.Bitter or saucy.Salty.
21:05Salty.But saucy is another fun option.Should we do another problem?Yeah.Yeah.Emmy, ready for us?Yes.Let's do it.
21:15This is from I.Hi, hi.You don't get a lot of eyes.It says,Dear gorgeous hoggies,there have been many momentsin the past few yearsthat I've thought about writing in,
21:24but I've finally reached a predicamentso awkwardthat your advice may be my greatest out.I'm 23 and living back home in the countryside,training to be a teacherafter a few years of living up in London.as most of my friends are still in LondonI spend weekends to and fro
21:37meaning my dating apps often pick uppeople from both London and the area I live in nowNice spread that seedRecently it's picked up one such manwho is lovely beautiful and very much looking for the same things as I amWe've arranged a museum and coffee date for a couple of weeks timeAnd it's fair to say I'm very excitedHe's an academic in London
21:56But usually the other side to LondonThe other side to London than I spend timeSo he's an academic in London, but on the other side of London,then they usually spend time in London.Yes.Do we know the gender of the writer?It's a north-south thing.Yes.
22:14I can feel it.Perhaps.This got me thinking, where did my phone pick him up?Maybe he came back to the countryside for a recent Mother's Day trip.His profile said he went to Oxford uni.I know barely anyone who did, so I start thinking about those few.One of them is my ex-boyfriend's brother.We only dated for a few months when I was 18,
22:33but he was my first love and it didn't end very well.The ex-boyfriend was not the ex-boyfriend's brother.I assume the ex-boyfriend.Yeah.Not the ex-boyfriend's brother.I only met his brother once very briefly as we were both leaving the door for a night out.An interaction I barely remember.So sleuthing 95% confirmed that this was the same brother.
22:51Oh my God.The brother, did you get this from me reading it?Fine.Wait, wait, what am I not guessing?It's obviously the ex's brother that she's picked up on the app.Oh, right.Okay, okay.I didn't get that at all from what I was.
23:03reading. And I could really tell. I love that you were readinglike, and then, and then, and I was like,it's the brother! And you were like, I've readthis through several times. This is not the first timeI'm reading this problem. There's some tiredgirls in the studio. Yeah, I'm sorry.I wouldn't. Catherine, can you just, afterM's, because I didn't get it either, I'm,
23:19after every like five sentences, recap itfor the room. Here's what I'll tell you.Okay. This woman, or this personhas moved back to the countryside having lived in London fora couple of years. She's training to be a teacher.I don't know their gender. I is training to be a teacherand goes to London every weekendbecause their friends are still all working there
23:36and living there.So they set their apps for the countryside and London.Who's to say who they're going to pick up on a dating app?Delightful.It could be anyone.They'll be in both places, not a bother.Then should not they pick up a gorgeous looking manand they think, oh, hello.
23:48An academic.An academic in London.My God.Now, he is on the side of Londonthat they're not usually going to,but it's fine because they've organised a cute little day.They're going to a museum, heaven on earth.Then I's like, huh.
24:00I meanmy first instinct would beperhaps this man travelsacross London sometimesbut I was likethis is the greatest mysterythat has never been solvedso does a deep dive
24:14maybe because subconsciouslyI could to somedegree sense something was upand some part of themwas like huhlooks familiarwhere do I know this geneticmaterial
24:27then I has a thing and thanksdidn't I have a first loveit was briefit was five years agobut it wasnonetheless it happenedand didn't you man have a brotherdidn't I meet him on a doorstep
24:40one eveningit wasn't significantyou were busyI like this story Catherineand thendoesn't I go backand look and think fuckthat's the brother
24:49that is the goddamn brothernone of whichthank you guysthank younone of whichM picked upwhile reading the stories everyoneyeah the problem with this
24:57is that I have to leave inmeeting so confusedused by the whole thing for that to work.You must.You simply must.But go on him.So I closes by saying, what do I do from here?All my friends have said go for it anyway because life is too short.
25:11Yes.But even then, do I tell him straight up?Do I play it dumb until it comes out and then act shocked?There is no doubt in my mind that it will come out.It will.But even then, what if it's all too weird and I have to leave, I have to live with having missed out on such a lovely man.Any advice would be a godsend?I have a very strong opinion on this.
25:30Okay, go.I think you have to tell him before you go on the datebecause I think anything that suggeststhat you left it three weeks to be like,I just thought I'd check if we vibedbefore I mentioned that your brother's been inside meis giving like sort of like you're not,you don't even know this man, right?
25:50You've built up an idea of him.It's so nice that like chatting to him makes you think he's that lovelybut whatever you've got of him so far is like a projection.To be like I was so gaggingfor the projection I didn't mentionthat I've dated your brotherto me is a bad dynamicbut also if I may
26:05I think it gives him the libertyto go to his brother and gohere I've been talking to this girl I like herwe have a vibe but you used to date herand then the brother can go or himI have to accept that I don't know I's genderwow and I've got the storybut I haven't got the details
26:21but then the brother could be like I'm fine with thatbecause probably I think that's way more likelyscenarios that the brother would be likeit was five years ago we were 18that's grandbut if the brother's not okay with itit's also a waste of both of your time to go outbecause that shit always gets messy
26:35so better to just go let him go checkrather than for him otherwise by the waythe most realistic situation is even if he's on the datehaving a gorgeous time with youhis entire subconscious the whole time is distractedgoing well I'm going to have to at least talk to my brother about thisand in any world where you don't tell him beforeor the second you get there
26:53go back to school deliciouslywith Whole Foods Market.Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos.Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit, and more.And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze.Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online.and you like kiss or anything else and then spring it it just feels like you lied and it'sit's it catherine's totally right you just have to say before going on a date and like if if they're
27:40like look I'm just not interested and you're like okay like that's fine then like you know you justknow what you haven't and it's also there's that and that was always going to be the case by the waythat that's not going to you're not going to change thatby going to the date and being like, surprise, like, if it's an...What I will say is I'll be very surprised if it is a problem.I agree.Because it's long ago, it was just three months, and these funny relationship startingstories are like, I mean, watch when Harry met Sally.
28:09Like, they have all these couples, like, people are always crossing rooms to meet Elsie.Yeah, it's fun.And also, like, I think it would be really funny and it could be fun.Like, I don't, I would...I've done both.That's funny.Yeah.Oh, my God.
28:22It's getting.wedding speech it's definitely like yeah what's the word I'm looking for made of honor made ofhonor it can definitely be like I considered everyone everyone and then chose this brother like it's niceyou can have a laugh at great times they did say it was like their first love too and that's why I thinkyou have to check because here's the thing if it does matter if the person if the ex still is upsetthey're also still not going to date you or that's like so and ultimately likeit's fine you you'll find other people there are other people out there in the world or do youwant to just risk it and show up wearing like or just like have your phone in the table and there's
29:00a picture of you and his brother from like back in the day and just sort of be like oh one secondoh no all good what was that you were saying you like you like to hike incredibleor you bring a smoke and hot video or a video a video a video of you together no smoking hotum photo of your sister so that when you're like when you're like I dated your brother buthe can date my sister you know you can be like swapsies no but ultimately you have to tell him that'sweird not to tell him well but can they just pretend that they didn't know can you just act no you can'tit's so obvious when people pretend they don't know something but they do like i know that because ilike i had to do it when i was younger at least what every christmas morning that whole charade
29:44of like opening gifts and being like what did i get today i know i've been in my parentscupboards for two months also like if he if he evendoubts you for a minute that will niggleas well. Yeah. It's all justjust like tell him. It's fine. Like you don't thatyou can find otheryou, yeah. Like if someone has to tell yousomething that you already like my
30:04the worst thing I have, I did try to talk about us on stage a while agobut it was like when someonetells you something and they go but you can't tell themyou know but then you're seeing that person the next day and you're like I knowthis big thing about you and now I'm thinkingdo you not trust to tell me? Should I not know?And then you're trying to find random waysto like segue into conversation like you know like on um chat shows sometimes like they've obviously
30:27all pre-prepared their answers they've done a research call and they're like yeah you had a crazyincident with an elephant and they're like oh how did you know about that it's like becauseoh graham oh graham yeah come on i thought you might ask about why because they told youof course you did jesus yeah how many fingers are you growing inside of you right now i just thinkI'm sorry, I think it's a real hardlike you gotta say. Yeah.Right? Yeah. And then let us know how it goes.Obviously, desperate for an update. Desperate for an update.
31:00Desperate. Also like, yeah. I thinkI think being 18, I know first love, I think that does help.Or makes it like the entire course of your ex's life waschanged because of the devastation that is the first heartbreak.Who knows? Wow.Either way, in which case his brother's.shouldn't date youLet us know
31:22Let us knowThank youLet us do itYou know whatWe're on a fucking roleNow should we do another oneWe're not a rollWe've done one problem
31:28The first thing we were terribleI think I am on a rollI think I'm killingI'm on a rollWe're doing a problemJust for CatherineGoReady
31:34This is from HHi HHow are youIt might be meI wrote one inIs it youNoBecause you matter
31:41If I wrote one inYou didn't say hi toOh IHello HNiceOkayOkay H saysI run a small
31:48arts business and although hen party pottery painting is our biggest trade i really want to do more creativeprojects that engage the community my only toss up is that these projects will require some extra staffthat i can't afford at a good wage um i could bring some teens at a lower at a lower minimum ratebut it feels unethical paying so much less for someone doing the same job but then i couldn't do theseprojects without that and the projects are net good i think but are they if it's if they're aabusing someone's labor? What should I do? Shelf the ideas, press on any way, fund it someother way. Any thoughts or ideas appreciated. And I look forward to hearing your response when Icaught up. It's fucking sucks not having money and wanting to do artistic things. And I bet they
32:32are net good. I'll say that age. I bet your ideas are net good. Sorry, it's Catherine'sproblem. But either way, amazing. Also, sleigh, hand do potry classes. I don't knowis the answer. Off the top, I'm not like I have an obvious answer to this. My first would beto price all of my competitors, check what they're charging for hendos.If there's any way to viably increase the price for the hendos, I would do that to subsidisethe community work. So I'd be checking that we're not, that we are at the most you couldbe charging for our comparative companies. And I'd chance raising it a little bit. I'd alsoput an optional charge on every hendu or anybody else using the space that's like, would you
33:15like to add an additional pound towards our community classes there are ways to do that you could alsohave another local business sponsor your community pottery nights you could look into ways towindow companies i feel like always a sponsoring like fleet events that's true um the other part i'mlike you could have i don't know i don't know how many people takes to stuff i am always frustrateddid when I hear teens being paid less than adults for the exact same job.I also think that a teenager who puts themselves forward for the job probably understandswhat the wage they're going to be paid is and that it's different to other people and thatthere's lots of teenagers. I had a job from 15 and I wanted and needed a job. So I wasn't like,
34:06I wouldn't have been like, well, you, your issue. If somebody was like, well, I'm not sure it'sethical to hire you I'd be like I want a job yeah but I think I would first find other ways tosubsidize it and then I would also maybe if I was hiring the teens you and you were doing itthe community led project at a certain rate you could always be like we are going to put out tip jarsfor our teens who have worked really hard if you have anything we'd love you to contributebut I don't know I don't really know I would be interested in what unions think about the II'd probably go to my local union and ask them what they think.But it's tricksy.
34:43I don't really know.I don't know what the correct stance on that is.It's so tricky because then part of it is also like,but there shouldn't not be community art eventsbecause if they're not being run in your area,then you do want to run it.And also, I think I was a teen quite similar to youwhere I was like, but I want to work.
34:58I want to get these experiences.Like I did the end of fringe working as a tech for a summer.If I found out other people were getting paid more than mejust because they were two years older than mewhen I was working as hard as them.I would have been,but they wouldn't be like it would either be teens or they can't afford to do it and I thinkI'm not saying that's the right thing to do I'm just saying like I can also understand like
35:17that there might be teens that want to do it and obviously you do want to pay them right butthat might not be an option right now my first solution is raise the prices for the hensraise the price for the hens first option second option like you can ask people in yourcommunity if they want to support it as a project like it is trust us we know we run a patronlike you so asking people to support you with what you're doing like hey you dodo this and like yes if you support us we you get more episodes right you get two episodes a weekbut you can have a little extra for the people that come maybe that is more cost for you as wellit's it's it's tricky getting these things off the ground and honestly and this is probably like
35:57not a good solution not what you need to hear because it's not very helpful the way you'vewritten that letter to us shows such care and such thought I'mI don't think you're going to be intentionally harming or exploiting anyone.So, like, you're doing your best, and I think you will learn along.But I do get it.Like, you do want to think about your unintentional impact.For sure.And I think, I wonder if there's some way that it's like,
36:26you could do, like, a cooperative, where it's, like,you volunteer at one community pottery class a quarter,and you get three free.you could do a cooperative.In fact, that's probably what I would doif I couldn't raise the pricesto my comparatives.That's smart.
36:44I'd probably be like, yeah,or like you volunteer at one a yearand you get three a year free,whatever, I don't know how many you're doing.But I think I would do that,try to make it.Because then also people are helping their communityas well as benefiting from the,
36:54that actually could be quite nice.Yeah.And I think also just like talk to some of the teensand be like, what is it that you guys need?Like, I know you want to like,if you wanted to volunteer for this,but like, do you need like really goodlike letters for fucking uni applications or like I don't know like for job applications like good
37:13lex of recommendation like so hard I don't know I want to call my sister who's like a real likeunions gal right yeah it's tricksy it's trixie it's tricksy but I feel like your heart is so in theright place and having your heart there is good I just think that like it's objectively a goodidea. So there's got to be somebody with moneywho will fund it.Oh, get like a daddyWarbucks. That's what I'm kind ofsaying. Yeah. I think that's exactly right.
37:44Oh, how wonderful.You could write, you could put letters in everybody'sdoor. They just say, dear daddy. And thenwhoever gets back to you. But only through thebald men who can surprisingly tap dance on. And don'topen attachments.That's nice.Good luck. Hope that's all.
38:02Take next. Next. Next.Like I said, we're on a roll.I don't know if I'm on a roll anymore.I don't know.I'll do the next one.I'll do the next one.I think we're out of problems.Oh, we're out of problems.
38:11You know what?Can you believe it?That is insanely amazing.I mean, I'm sure there's more in the email account, but we don't currently have them with us.That's fine, because all I want to do right now is talk about when Harry mess out.Please.I love it so much.I mentioned it earlier.
38:26I love it so optimum time to watch.Obviously New Year's Eve.Why?Because, have you seen it?Yeah.And you know when they...Oh, but yeah, okay.I was thinking you meant like staying on New Year's Eve and just watch a movie.
38:40I mean, I...That is literally...That is my ideal scenario, but also I think it's a really good watch on that.I also like it between...I like it in the time between Christmas and New Year's.Yes.I think it's a film you can watch every year.100%.
38:52I think it's beautiful.Have you seen the parody advert with Sydney Sweeney?Yeah.Have you seen this?Isn't it, it's an ad for something.Yeah, what is it an advert for?it's not really a parody right it's like it's an advert for so god that's not a good advert isthat we don't even know what it's for no it's it's billy crystal and meg ryan is it for mayonnaise
39:15i think it might there's a lot of mayonnaise adverts in the moment i feel like it might be for mayonnaiseand they're like sitting across from each other they're in cats's delicatessen yeah they're doing itand she's doing it and then sweetie does the i'll have what she's hearing yeah and then yeah maybe it is for mayonnaiseI feel like it might be Helmonds, but it could be wrong.Is there any way to check that?Wait, is that the unhinged advert for Kate McKinnon doing the advert for mayonnaise done through a cat who can talk?I don't know what you're saying.Am I having a breakdown or is this a real thing?
39:46There's an advert.I feel like you're doing a word association.Like you said a lesbian, you said a cat.But I don't, we've got to Mayo, but I don't know how we've got there.Do you know, I'm like, I like all the words you're saying, but it's like, I'm freewheeling.There's a mayonnaise advert.Is there?I think four helmans.
40:00And it's Kate McKinnon.with a cat who goes meo and instead of it being meow she hears mayo sorry um go i have i don't knowwhat that is oh i also didn't know what this is but um it is for helmans it's like a super bowl specialno oh it was a super bowl special is that does that make sense to you it's a big thingyeah okay yeah yeah yeah but there is there is an advert where kate mccinnon has a talking catwho goes meow instead of meow okay thank god that doesn't feel like a thing you would have made upAnd then, oh no, but sometimes I worry.Sometimes I worry.
40:33I really get it.It's like when you run into someoneand you've dreamt about them recentlyand you're like,did we talk about that or did I?Hey.Don't worry about it.100%.
40:41Nothing.What?Hello.Hi.I'm fine.What?Spooky.Spooky.
40:50I want to watch so many comfort films at the momentbecause I feel like,no, moving and just like,need to get a show ready.Do you want to hear my,and I can only assumethat this is what you want,my like teenage comfort films?
41:00That's what I want.Okay, great.I will tell you.We're talking Ever After.I know.Have we discussed this?Because I fucking love that film.Maybe, but I loved it on DVD.
41:12Karen Gantley bought it for me.I loved it so much.It's so good.Now when you go back to it, you're like, the accents are crazy.Leonardo da Vinci is a character in it.It's so funny.It's so funny and so fun.Yes.
41:26Okay, Ever After was a huge one.I would say, what are we?What's the one, the other one?Sorry to bring up another sort of Cinderella story,but it's a Cinderella story.Come on.Those sisters.I know.
41:38If you want to weep, if you want a really good weep,a walk to remember.I'd never watch to remember Mandy Moore.Oh my God.Obviously, she's all that.Wait, I got confused.What's the Bob Dylan film then?No, a walk to remember is, what do you mean?
41:56Oh, that's something else.A walk to remember is Mandy Mooreand what's his name, I think, fromwho looks like Chad Michael Murray, but isn'tChad Michael Murray, do you know what I'm saying?Do you know what I'm saying?The other one?Yeah.
42:08And I won't say who, but somebody hasan illness.Okay.Beautiful stuff.I'm assuming him.I'm assuming him.She's All That.Love, she's all that.
42:16It's everything.It's everything.So good.The peak, there's nothing better than10 things I hate about you.I only watched that like two times.For some reason, it just wasn't in my, like,I didn't have a VHS of it.
42:29and we, I just didn't rent it really.It was my bisexual awakening.It was everything.Like Heath Ledger and Julia in that film, it was just like, oh my God, I am, it was, everyonewas sexy.Alex Mack was sexy.What's his name?You know who I mean?
42:50Manic Pixie Dream Boy.You know who I mean.Timothy Salome.No.The one is going out with Bianca.Yeah.Yeah.Oh my God.
42:58Joseph Gordon Lever.Thank you so much.You know what I'm saying about manic pixie dream boy?Everybody was, and thenAlice and Jenny and that dad, the dad from Coneheads,what's his name, Dan?I know the one you mean.Coneheads is a poster I see so vividly in my mind all the time.
43:14Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, what's his name?Levy.No.No, him making her with a belly.It's just the best film that has ever been made.I love it so much.I don't know why.He's called Larry Miller.
43:28The dad is.Oh, I'm thinking up, but it's not the same guy then.I don't think so.Coneheads is Dan.Who's cone heads?He doesn't play the dad in this.He put at home screaming right now.I know.
43:41Who plays cone heads, Dan?Ah, A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K.I can't watch this.She's not going through the alphabet.Wait, so I try.Dan At Croy.Thank you.Dan At Croy.
43:54Oh, my God.Do they or do they not look alike?Yeah, I mean, thanks for saying.that's generous and kind these are all good options and then of course you got your bring-it-onsoh i was singing that whilst painting the other day i'm sexy i'm cute i'm popular at a bootwho am i great hair the boys will love to stare i'm rocking i'm hot it's good stuff it's sogood and then other teen comfort films well i mean i loved the not o g but ogyCharlie's Angels obviously
44:30The Lucy LouYeah of courseI'm trying to thinkWhat else were like myOh stepmomIf you need a weepI only watched it as an adultBut yeah it's really good
44:40I think others that were significantTo me as a teenQuite a lot I'm sureBut I just can't think of any of them right nowOh cruel intentionsObviouslyI don't think I watched that as a teenI think I watched that as an adult as well
44:50Oh my GodIt was crazyI was very stuck in my ways as a teenI see thatDo you know what I'm likeYeah yeah yeahfilms.What were yours?
44:58These were mine on repeat, I'd say.Okay, ever after, I'd say I was like a mean girl's.Oh my God, yes.But I love you for thinking I was in my teens when that came out.I couldn't handle how good Drop-Dad gorgeous was.It was everything.It was everything.I still think it is one of the funniest films.
45:16I agree.Oh my God, legally blonde, but.Oh, my God, legally blonde.Yeah.If we're in that era.Have you seen the video of Reese casting the new Elwoods?It's not for me.it's too pure she gets the job and she's just like
45:29like I love it it's like X Factor people getting toldthey're through it's so warmingyeah it's not from meI just don't I'm just likeshe's probably worked for a year to train to getjust tell her she got the job not have to film her and likeChrist on bike you're not some sort of saintanyway loved it
45:49but go on then I umshout out Reese I obviously love youokay God goofy movieShe'll be a list of so shouting out.Shouting around.Yeah, shout out Reese Witherspoon.Shout out, Reese, baby girl.Thanks for being on Patreon.
46:03I liked,there was like,I think it was called the Pagemaster.Do you know this film?No.And it was like,McCauley Colkin,he falls into a library.
46:15I loved that film.Oh my God,I loved that film with the guy,the older guy.But there's books,the books are the characters.The older guy,who's also in Back to the Future
46:25Question.can we checkthe page masterno you do notisn't it the librarianthe guy who's inback to the futurethe older guy with the air
46:33what's his nameI don't knowI know the guy you meanbut like I'm not goodwith the namesanythingChristopher Lloydpossibly yeah that sounds right
46:43that sounds rightis he also in back to the futureis he I think he's notis he dockedwell then is he in page thingyyeah yeah he's goodGod I forgot about that filmI loved that
46:54that might have been moreas a kid though. Me too and that because my nextthought was bed knobs and broomsticks and that's justnot like that's from my childhood not mythat has come out like come up inconversation five times and then during something reallycreepy walking home latea night walk past it as a DVD
47:09on the street just on the street and I was likewhat the fuck is happening? What's the world saying? What's the universemessage? I understand why it's come up so much recently because I've boughtdoor knobs so there's been a lot of like what are you sayinghe's wrong with my knob yeah butisn't that madoh wow wow wow Jumji obviously also in theI know, crazy, crazy, crazy.
47:27Mrs. Outfire, Jumanji.Oh, come on.Hits, hit, hit, hit.I would tell you, I had, like, one of the worst moments as a comedian.You know, like, when you're newish and you, like, you're in Edinburgh for like the firstcouple of times and you get, like, all of the big comedians drop out of all the game showsthat they say they'll do late at night.Uh-huh.
47:45And I was, like, asked to do a game show thing.And it was one of those things where it's like, clearly they have bigger comics in mindwhen they decide to do this, like, every single single.evening running a comedy game show but it's fringe the bigger comics get tired they drop out they'vegot other things to do they've sold their tickets which is the only reason they agreed to do your showin the first place which means that newer comics like me get like hey do you want to come do this thingwith someone who's a bit famous can i pay you can i pay you god 100% and you like you stand in therain because you're staying way out of town all night waiting for this one opportunity and i won't
48:15say who the famous comedians were but like they were cool right nice and we had to play a gamewhere it was like you saythat you get shown like the name of a comedy legendand you what was itthey had the comedy legendand then you were to say filmsthey were associated withand it was Robin Williams
48:37and I'm like all I could think of was Flubberand everyone was looking at me likeyou fucking idiot and I was like FlubberFlubber they were in FlubberFlubber and they were likewhat's Flubber? I'm likeFlubber! Flubber!Flubber
48:51I loved FlubberI also lovedJackwhich I was justabout to gobut nowwhen I look backI'm like
48:56oh it was creepybecause shehe was 10and she was 40but he was 40I knowbut it wasCreepsville
49:03Crazy rightCreepsvilleKentuckyyeahdo you reckonoh my goddo you thinkthere's something
49:10in the factthat they only doreverse age filmswith menand not with womenBenjaminButtonbig Jack
49:19rightwhoabut they oh no they did they did never mind was it little do you think it's because women doreverse age i've noticed that more recently people are doing really well with itthey're killing oh no i want to go home and watch a film i've got a gig that's so annoyingsorry i know and i would say i'll watch a film after that but you and i both know i've got mysleepy time any more teen films tell you what this is weird saying that makes it's any more filmsthat you liked as a teen okay teen film little women obviously was hit so many times but they
49:50Winona Ryder one was such a go-to.I love the Charlotte Gainsburg.We disagree.We disagree.I thought it was flawless.It's fine.It's perfect.Although sense and sensibility with Emma.
50:05Oh my God.Emma and Kate, sweet Jesus.I watched that on repeat.Titanic.Obviously.Obviously.Titanic.But my issue is Titanic.
50:14You've never seen Titanic.That's...End the episode.Oh my God, I'm not a Christian woman, but that's ungodly.End the episode.Why?Are you afraid of ice-brown?Have you been here the whole time?
50:26We've heard us talk about it.End the episode.That's actually culturally insensitive.End the episode.Wrap it up.Are you serious?Wrap it up.Em hasn't seen Titanic, so we have to go.
50:34Do we give her a right of reply for a second, no?I don't, I mean, I can't say anything more about it.I've not seen it.It wasn't my vibe.How do you know you haven't seen it?It's everyone's vibe.It was the perfect lavender film.You could imagine he was a lesbian.
50:52It was close enough.We took what we could get.What's a lavender film, by the way?Like a lavender marriage.Forget it.We don't have time.Tell me in the extras.I just mean like, if you didn't have queer representation,
51:03you could at least be like, well, in Romeo and Juliet or in Titanic,you could at least like pretend Leo from behind was, and it was all very exciting.Totally.And now I date.You know what?I'm canceling my gig.You're coming back to mine tonight.We have a lovely sit and watch on my, I don't have a TV yet, but when it's in.
51:20We'll go buy, go by Wing and Argos on the way.M can carry it over.Good, lesbian can get it set up for you.Good stuff.Thank you so much for listening to the podcast.We'll see you in the extras, those who are there, if not next week.We're so sorry you had to hear that.Have a good day.
51:35Bye.Thank you so much to our executive producers.Look at you there in your lounge.Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Danny Tonner, Stephanie Catrachia,Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Sadie Cashmore, and oh, ding-ding.What's this?A new member of the club, Angela S.Thank you for joining us.
51:56Angela S.Let's get that gender parity.Is Angela Scanlitt?No, I didn't say that.There's no.And welcome to the club.No, you guessed that.He said it's highly unlikely.
52:08Oh my God, thanks for joining, guys.And to our amazing producers who also have a lounge, I like to think.It's L. It's Richard Bold.It's Harold Van Dyke.It's Tim and Dom.David Walker, it's Rachel R. It's Claire Owen Jones.Sing it with me. Sarah and Molly, Riafink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Walth, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, Leah, Kate, Liz, Fort, Taz, Anthony, Chloe, Becky Fox, Dean, Michael, Sophie Chivers, never figured it out.Charlie A, KC, Jam, Rainbird, Bryn, which always makes me think of the girl from the later seasons of dance months.
52:44Ezra PeregrineLaura PollockLeah OverendStephen ChickenAlways a bit of funDougie RobertsonHayley singerSarah Deakin
52:52Tamson SmithHardingDid you put thosein a different orderto usualYeahThat is very goodYou really kept me
52:58On my toes thereIt's even funnyBecause you were likeSing it with meAnd I was likeCouldn't if I triedYeah don't even know the lyricsCouldn't you if I dread
53:04It's a new songThank you for being a patronThank you for arguablyknowingWay too much about usWhoopWhooOh, ho ho!
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