Trusty Hogs - Ep188. TIM KEY & SAM CAMPBELL / Working, Whining & Wallis Island

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

Two cult comedy legends and absolute agents of chaos join us this week, but thankfully Helen's at the helm to keep us all grounded... Tim Key & Sam Campbell run amok with Catherine away in Tenerife!FOLLOW TIM: @TimKeyPoetFOLLOW SAM: @McDonaldsComedyNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCall / Charlie WeemesPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to episode 188. If you're a bingo fan, it's 102 fat ladies. It's 200 fat ladies. It's episode 188 of trusty hogs. I'm Helen Bauer, Catherine's in Tenerife. This is going to be the best day of all of our lives. It's already so off the rails. your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have

guests and Andrew White on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not Andrew's here I'm here Sophie is here I am walking on air right now I had the best, I had the best night yesterday. Andrew, you're going to be charmed. I was charmed. I went to Hampshire and it was delightful. This is my home county, went past fleet on the train. And it's one of those gigs where you're like, why do I want to go there?

Like, I don't think I've got an audience there. I think it might be really weird. But the offer came through, which was like, hey, do you want to come to this village somewhere near Mitchell Diva, which if you don't know where that is, That's the correct response to know where Mitchell Diva is. And it is just the most glorious food. And that's it. And I was like, yeah, I'm 100% in.

Northbrook Arms. Heard of it? I thought I've been there. I know you have. I was thinking you remembered. It is insane. Did you eat when you were there? No, I didn't even know those food on offer.

Are you fucking joking? I missed out, yeah. It's food. The guys who run it are the nicest people in the entire world. And like me and I went with. Senile Patel, obviously, we were both on the same bill with lovely Paul McCaffrey. Dream team. And we're just sitting down and they were like, what do you want from the menu?

And it's like anything, literally anything. Because usually there's like a limit or it's like just domain. I had like this Haddock cod fish cake with a poached egg and stewed greens. I have never felt so boozy in my life. I think it's also because like I'm so comfortable eating in front of people now because like with binge eating recovery because it's like eat and just enjoy food with people. So I feel like I spent so long, like, eating dominoes under blankets my entire adult life. And now I'm like, watch me eat fish in public.

Fucking watch me. So all the audience are in this restaurant. It's glass doors. And me and Sneal and Paul are Al Fresco dining on stage, basically. I am losing my shit. I order a pint of orange juice and lemonade because it's the summertime now. That's my dad's go to order. Because it's such a good order.

It's so perfect. And no one talks about it. Does he call it St. Clements? No, he discussed. Oh, yeah, no, me neither. What's St. Clement? That's why he got told it's called because it's oranges and lemons. But do you go up to the bar, do you have the brave, the boldness to actually say,

I have a St. Clements? No, that would be fucking thick as shit. There's no way. But then people have said to me, oh, you have a St. Clements. But then it's like, it feels very 1960s. Yeah, yeah. It's up there with like, oh, it's a Shirley Temple or whatever. Yeah, what is a Shirley Temple?

I don't know. It's like strawberry, I think. I thought it was like, like cherries, what's the... Glacier. Yeah, sort of like glassier cherries. I love those cherries. It feels very gay.

I should know it. Let's have a look at it. It does fit. I think they drink it in dance mums. Like Abbey Lee Miller takes Maddie Ziegler for a virgin Shirley Temple. A Shirley Temple is a... It is not alcoholic anyway. Ignore me.

That makes sense, actually. Ginger ale, splash of grenadine, garnished with a marasino cherry. Maraschino cherry. Marasita, I don't know. No. No. Anyway, Andrew, I had to take my dessert to go. And they were like, what do you want?

They had something on the menu called a trillionaires shortcake, which is, right? You're like, I'm familiar with millionaires and billionaires, I think. Is millionaires just chocky on shortbread? Billionaires is caramel with chocky. Well, what's billionaires then? With sprinkles, I don't know. With sprinkies. Oh, that's cute.

Okay, trillionaires. There was a treacle dressing to it, a biscuit, the caramel was so thick and the chalky was like a like ganache it was like some okay I'm literally about to dribble there was oh sorry there was like a level it's like someone took 10 perfect truffles smashed them with a mallet and then just popped it over a tart and like senile had that but he ate it on the train and then did that with the box and shook it into his mouth backwards that's how happy we were. I had a tart to tan because I've leveled up as a person now. Woke up this morning over the moon. Wait for this. Had a yoghurt for breakfast.

Oh my goodness. You are thriving. This is my fucking week. You should be getting our thriving merch because you are all over it. I actually already have it, but thank you so much. I stole it from the photo shoot, obviously. I should actually buy some of the merch. We can just, we can order some to, we don't have to buy our merch. Yeah, yeah. Good because my friend Francis wants some, but I don't want them to pay for price. Well, yeah, just, just, yeah, we just get them to pay. Oh, my God, okay. And if you want that, just message me as well and we'll figure it out guys.

Please, please. It'll be so sick. And then wait for this. This is how good it was. I only slept for like four hours last night, but. You don't have that energy. Hmm. Never do.

I never do. But it's because, have you seen, I'm obsessed with this algorithm of waking up in different places in history. What? It's, okay, you are about to lose your fucking mind. Basically, what it is, is a point of view of you waking up on, like, the morning of, like, Chernobyl. Okay? And it's, and, Andrew, please, please, it's so good.

It's called History AI Films. Okay, here we go, point of view, you wake up as Judas during Jesus Christ times. And it's just like a shot of your feet. And all of them start with, like, ooh. Yeah, the way everyone wakes up. We all wake up like that, definitely. No, because there's ones when they wake up. and they're like, and it's like during the London blitzes and World War II and everything's on fire.

And it's like, there's no way you slept the night. It is, point of view, you woke up on the island of snakes in San Paolo. What even is the island of snakes? It's so fun. And now I just think this is my favorite thing to do is pretend I wake up places. You wake up as a, wait for it, priest during the Black Plague of 1347. And then it's just you walking around, I don't know, probably just burying people. Is that relaxing? Is that how you like to start your day?

I mean, it's how I ended my day. I watched about three hours a bit before going to see. It's too much, but it's so hard to like stop once you started with it. Yeah. It's just, it's so brilliant. And now I know tonight I'm going to absolutely crash out because I've got, we're recording this. I'm doing a run through for a new T. show if you guys don't know what run through it's basically like they put all of us in a room to try out a TV show format and then we all try our absolutely best and we just hope that

mr channel um i'm assuming that's what all they're called mr mr channel go you did very good but instead of a star they make a tv show and then you have to go please also include me in it but doing that for four and a half hours what yeah yeah oh my god i need to banter for a long time that is too long Yeah. Also, the thing with these, I get the sense that of all these run-throughs, maybe one in 20 get made to TV shows. And then you've got even like a smaller chance of like being in that cast. It's like so much time wasted. I love it.

It's so fun because it literally is you get chipped in to like do anything and you just get to go along with it all. But then it's like, I've got a gig tonight. But I'm determined to work before the gig. And I'm thinking Picture House Central. It's good. Have you ever worked there upstairs? Yeah, yeah. I helped my friend Jake with his taxes there.

Andrew. Andrew, you're not giving tax advice to people still. Not for money, crucially, legally. Yeah, yeah. If the authorities are listening. Yeah, exactly, for my pleasure. It cannot bring you pleasure. It does.

I don't know why it does. I just enjoy the numbers all totting up. It's relaxing. It's also, it's achievable admin. So, like, if I'm ever in, like, a rut or, like, I don't have a lot. creative energy, I can always fill in the spreadsheet. I can always do that. I kind of get that with cleaning as far as like,

it's something that I can tick and it's done instead of like the generic like, so for me at the moment, and for you, it's like, like, work on our stand up, which means you're just like writing to an abyss. But there's no end to it. There's no like, oh, I've finished stand up. I so want to figure that out. I would love to do that.

No, but then I wouldn't want to. finished that's the problem as well i like it too much even though it like annoys me sometimes i think the the heartbreaking thing for me that makes me realize we're never going to end it is massive superstars like brett goldstein still doing stand-up and it's like you don't need to anymore and you still come back to it we're just going to be sucked with this forever it's like an unhealthy addiction because i couldn't be without it but i'm also like it's not good for me or for anyone else it's not good for the audience me wandering on and being like uh yeah and you can see them like they're literally shuddering like they're uncomfortable but it's sort of like both of us looking each other like we don't

want this to happen either I'm not okay with this either but it's already going like my I look at my dad sometimes and I'm like what a happy life like oh my goodness yeah the ease of a job where you're like I like it I'm good tick and then just leaving it oh my god I think about how relaxing thing that would be. I constantly... Live for the weekend. Oh. Oh.

But I constantly have this fantasy of having a regular job that you can just walk away from. But then... Walk away from. Well, you know, you finish your job and then you walk away. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it's just, you know, it exists elsewhere and you don't have to think about it. But then you realize that there is no, nothing that gives you the freedom or recompense as stand-up does. But it is so fun to,

like cosplay worker. I do it all the time. Like I did it last weekend. I was in Bristol staying at Jade Adams. Shout out Jade Adams. And we were like, I was gigging at the weekend. So forget about the gigs in the evening.

We did a weekend. Like on the Saturday, we did a sauna and cold plunge. And then went to a bakery. Like people. Like actual. Like not on like a Tuesday morning where it's just you and a couple of freaks.

You know? Like on Saturday. today with people who had done the rise and grind and then you're all there steaming and relaxing mainly naked together as god intended and i'll tell you now andrew i am fucking phenomenal at cold plunging i can i see that for you you've got a strong cold plunge energy what does that mean big no no no no i think me and jade was so easy getting in i was like we're definitely more insulated there were some girls like screaming in pain and we were both like we're like we're okay I'm going to say a word and it's going to sound like

I'm just trying to dance around the word big but what I mean is hardy. You are, but I think you can be petite and hardy. I like a sort of resilience. No, I literally am so hardy. It's just, I just need to get used to hearing this. Jade said, we were just like talking and she was like, but you are the antithesis of everything a woman's supposed to be.

And I was like, I totally know, I know what you mean. I know we, I understand that. But it's still, it's still jarring to hear that. that you're the antithesis. Yeah. I mean, well, has the Supreme Court ruled on what a woman's supposed to be? Oh my God, do not.

It's bad, isn't it? It's fucking so grim. But I have the antithesis. The antithesis. It's also come at the same time I'm learning how to use the word antithesis properly in conversation. Well, perfect.

You've got the perfect example, right? Yeah, I'm not the perfect example. I loved this sauna and cold plunge, by the way. It was in Bristol. Do you plunge then sauna or sauna then plunge? We, I'd never done it before, but Jade's done it a few times. I just copied her. So, like, you shower, which is cold water, but it's just like a sprinkle in the sauna

and then essential oils in the steam. And it was like, you just felt immediately like, I am, I am a goddess. Like, I felt like Katie Perry landing on earth. I understood the world. And then you go outside and you go lie in a tin bucket of cold water. And then it all goes off into this river of just dead skin cells, skin river, I'm assuming. And then you just sit there and then you go back into the warmth. And everyone was like, oh, like, you'll feel really high afterwards that you've taken a pill.

And I was like, I don't know. I could barely walk. I can see what people get addicted to it. I think I meant to do that as my hobby. When you say barely walk like, like sort of like a post-orgasm sort of like contentment. I wish I had orgasms that good. Yeah. Like during orgasm walk

That sort of level Like I was stumbling I had a gig that evening If anyone was at Bristol On the Saturday night For comedy gaff I could not get out the words Hendoo or Wedding

I kept saying When do and heading Like I couldn't do it It was properly fried you I was totally Because it's like all those I mean surely it's like Doing a full

It felt like I'd lived Two seasons Going between all that And also you know I'm like, once my nipples get cold, the day's over for me in general. Like, everyone's always, like, funny about, like, my head getting cold. Like, if the inside of my nipple gets chilly, I'm out. You can't see this listener, but you know, like, in the F1, when they put, like, blankets and stuff over the tires to keep them warm.

When we stop recording, we do that with Helen's nipples, just to keep us going. We've got to... Can you put blankets over car of tires? Yeah, yeah, because they're very sensitive to heat and changes and stuff like that. For fuck. Are you serious? Yeah, because they're going, like, 200. miles an hour or something so that's too fast yeah I know and I think get a lot of tickets

god Jesus Christ no we don't like that Andrew that's not okay um what else has been oh my god wait I have to tell you this as well I ate um so much on Easter I gave myself a tub of cake um but then I spoke to Sinil Patel yeah and um it's just gonna be happening now for my moments I'm 34 I have to accept my body is breaking down like I've just I am I'm accepting it now i ate easter eggs had a couple people over mine and double chocolateed too hard and then had a large dominoes which he's like it's the dominoes and i can't allow that to be true yet had the worst tummy ache for two days i've diagnosed myself with gallstones oh no i have i've diagnosed myself i've got doctor's appointment on saturday morning a phone appointment and i'm just

going to be like i think i need a scan i think i've got it yeah what are the symptoms of gallstones pain. Okay. I think that's the symptoms of a lot of things. No, no. Not in the quadrant of my stomach. The quadrant. It radiates from a certain quadrant of my tummy.

And it's happened five times now. And I'm like, there's got to be something to it. And then everyone's like, oh, no, no. It's just because you had a large dominoes. I'm like, it's not. It's a hundred percent not. Obviously the dominoes could be linked to it. But I refuse.

I cannot live in a world where dominoes is taken away from me yet. I'm not, I'm 34, I'm too young. I'm too young for that. You don't want to give it up yet. I don't. And I know people eat through like allergies because they're not willing to accept it. Oh yeah, gluten, people that don't realize they're gluten intolerant or do but refuse to accept it. They're just like killing their body, but they'll keep going.

Because you'll take the gas for the food you want. Like, life balances itself out. I love the idea of you phoning up the doctor being like, doctor, I'll save you the time. Lower right quadrant, tummy outchy. Upper right. Up right, up right. Say it with me, Doc. One, two, three, gallstones. Book the scan. I called 1-1-1. Yeah.

I was in such bad pain and they were like, but are you like blacking out from pain? And I was like, no, because I'm on the phone with you. And you know, you're always like, I'm just, I'm not in enough pain for you. Like, you just don't. And then they were like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm writhing. And they went, writhing. And I was like, I'm writhing.

And they were like, what does that mean? I'm like, I'm going back and forth and I'm a bit sweaty. And they were like, oh, okay. And I was like, but if I blacked out, I can't call you. Yeah. But I made the mistake. saying that I had an adult in the house with me which I did my housemate

yeah not just some like random adult I've had charming time apart from my tummy ache it's been charming what chocolate I've not seen you in so long I've not been to record in ages what Easter egg did you have okay I had two

I had an M&S chalky egg that was gifted to me by the King's Trust because I did a charity gig for them And then thank you very much to a lovely man And his wife couldn't come to the gig in Leeds He knows who he is

Who gave me a lint chocolate egg and a bunny But then when I got back from Bristol on Easter Sunday I spent an hour making fairy cakes With mini eggs in them So I also bought a lot of mini eggs And then Heidi Regan came over and did a Kit Kat Easter egg hunt And then I broke up the lint chocolate egg And I made a big cake

And I put that all over the top of it and um i just i got a bit of out of control yeah what did you have i had um i do oh well so rice got me a um mini egg easter egg with one of the ones that were like the mini eggs were baked into the easter egg oh sway really good and a kit cat like brownie one shut the fuck up yeah it was nice and then um i had a gig in brighton on wednesday and i went into the tesco express to get something for the train home and all the easter eggs were reduced I ate two Easterings on the drink But did you feel fine afterwards?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you're 25. Your body doesn't like, I'm, I'm starting, I've got to have to accept. Like, I've got to start building up muscle. Because if I don't do it now, I'm just going to snap. I just know it. People do say, I was listening to, my car isn't like linking to my phone anymore.

So I'm listening to a lot of radio too. Yay. Whenever Claire Ron Acres reads the news, it goes, this is the BBC 10 o'clock with Claire Ron Acres and always go, hi, Claire. I'm in a weird place right now. Anyway, you look great. Thank you.

And that's what matters. As long as you look good, doesn't matter what's going on inside your head. What they were saying. Toxic thought. Yeah, I don't think that's the general message from mental health charities. But it is for today.

Yeah, yeah. That's the theme of this podcast. But they were talking to a health expert who said, like, oh, exercise isn't just about like, you know, getting skinny or whatever. You must do muscle exercises to keep you fit and healthy in old age. You don't want your muscles well. wasting away. So that's like one of the most important things about exercise is not necessarily

like aesthetic or weight, but like muscle density. That's the thing because I think I've got no muscles in my back. I think my back is just like fat, which means, and then because I've got such massive breasts, I think I'm going to be one of those women that just bends over one day and never stands like up again. Like I just, I don't know how it happens because they slowly go down and I've already got that bump at the top of my back and that's from, I genuinely believe that's from Pokemon Go and puzzling. in so many years that like it's a please off

you'll be respectful of my medical injuries yeah but it is yours from puzzling oh sleigh because I puzzled like every day for about three years and it just fucks you up but then I'm like because of this rack like I know I'm going forward a little bit

I've got no muscles to hold me up so I just know I'm going to end up being one of those like women walking like that but then I can't be because I'm a mouth breather and then if you're if you lean forward as a mouth breather there's a good chance spit comes out. It's just like part of the territory. And then you're like, oh, well then stop being a mouth breather.

I have to have an operation on my nose to do that. Might as well get my tits reduced if we're doing that. That is so expensive. Yeah, that's a lot. Please join the Patreon. Please join the Patreon. I've got a lot of surgeries to do. Yeah, yeah.

We've got so much. Because I've always got such a dry mouth. So in your future, you think you're going to lean forward, dribbling a pool, and then the weight of your tits is going to face, plant you into your own pool of drool. I haven't even got to the face planting. Now that's a concern. I just think there's just like,

it's just in no way that's not going to happen to me. And I love being upright. I love, I love seeing out. I think I find it so hard to cross a road having to look to each side like that. If anyone's like a PT, can you please get in contact

and let me know exercises that will keep me upright for the longest amount of time. Please, she loves being upright. I love being upright. I love looking out. it just suits me. I like the cinema. I love the theatre. Let me enjoy myself. And until we figure out a solution to that, shall we, shall we bring on our guests? Yeah, go on. Should we bring on our guests? Oh yeah. We've got multiple. I mean, who knows what's going

to happen? I'm in charge. I'm excited. But please welcome to the podcast. It's Tim Key. And possibly Sam Campbell. Yay. This is awesome This is awesome Let's press play Go to be quick Helen's going to hate this Yeah

Helen's going to learn to love this Helen's going to learn to love this Hello Hello? I need to go in here Yeah hello okay Oh great Are we going? Right

So Welcome to the trusty hogs I'm filling in So you better get this party started I'm guest has Sam Campbell Here we have Yeah There's a rugpole.

It's a rugpole. Here with the enchant... I get a message... I get a message about midday yesterday. Yeah? Same where you need you on the show? No. I was booked about two months ago.

They booked two months in advance. I was asked about three months ago and then I replied two months ago, one month ago. Yeah. Right. And you're busy. You're in a movie! When were you booked? For this?

Yeah, for this. It might have been... Well, can I change my question? Oh, no, not last night the night before. Can I change my question? Yes. Why are you here? They're having, like, troubles and stuff like that.

Like, it's, you know, it's hard at partnerships. It is really hard. Catherine's in Tenerife. Catherine's in Tenerife. Do you know what I wanted to do? They've been budding it. Do you know what I wanted to do? Yeah.

Let you guest speak. I wanted to meet Helen Bauer and the fantastic Catherine Bohart. Fantastic's one word for her. Are you recording? Yes, we're turning over. We're turning over. Sit yourself down, madam. Madam.

Oh, I love it. That's my thing. Sit yourself down, madam. And I bought you with coffee. Don't want it. No coffee, no, Timmy. Come on, Howard. Come on, Howard. Come on.

We only did a tiny bit. It was like to. No, no, it's all good. Oh, lovely. Thank you. Yes, Rwanda forever. We love that. Coffee.

Yeah. Oh my God. There she comes. The keys. Okay. And then, okay, let's talk about what your problem is with Sam. No problem with the, problem with the, problem with my messages. Yeah.

I'm going to read them out loud now. Oh, we're getting reading. Welcome to the podcast. It's me, Helen Bauer, with the guests. We've done that. Well, I wasn't here. It was like, because I was getting you a fucking coffee. Screaming my face.

You were really good in that. You were so fantastic. Helen's dating profile, it says if you're a Patriot Park. Oh my God, don't! I hate you. I didn't want to show you my dating profile because I said I felt really self-quoture. I loved it. I thought it was fantastic.

And then you can't quote it on the podcast. No, what did you say? You just go, Partridge fans only. It was lovely. Like, I really like it. No, I didn't say, Partridge fans own. I said I'm looking for a Lynn because if anyone understands true love

it's Lynn to Alan and then when Alan on from the Oast House goes into her house and goes Lynn paints. It's a lovely profile. It's beautiful. You know what? You know what even... I had my biggest stiffy of 25. Inches. Go on. You know women also get stiffies

but no one talks about that and I'd love to discuss it with you guys. Let's talk about the film first. Tim's doing a film. I think some clients get really hard. But no one refers to it as a stiffy despite the fact it's like a gunball slash hockey park

but no one's willing to discuss it and neither are either of you. No, I will say it can become rather engorged. Tim? Well, we made a short film 18 years ago myself from Tom Bazden and then we returned to it in 2020.

How did he zoom? Can these camera zoom? Look at this bruise. Look at that bruise. to that camera, that's on you. I didn't mean literally go to it. Is that picking up? Yeah, yeah, I can see it. Can you show them my bruise as well?

Oh, yes. Well, I can't carry a bruise. I don't want to stand up again. Oh, wow. Wait, can I see it? Wait, that's from a needle. Do you want to move out the way? So it's like that, camera three.

I can't see your bruise, Tim. I'm showing your viewers more of. Oh, we don't like that language. No, we don't talk like that. We vocally endorse kindness. I want to see it really badly. Oh. Oh.

Oh, that's great. Can I give it a kiss? Of course. Okay. We're breaking down barriers here. You're going to go over the table. This is actually really good for toxic. No, go over the table.

Go over the table. I'll come out of you, no way. Okay. Oh, hang on. I'll just be sort of, I'll sit here and then you can sort of come along and do your worst. French? Sorry? French?

No. Okay. Do you want me to ask about the film? whilst you do this? Well, I received the film last night around 11pm. And you enjoyed the movie? I've watched half an hour so far

and I loved first half an hour and I loved it. I just thought it was enchanting. It's got such a wonderful vibe to it and yeah, I was watching it on the train from... It was written from the heart. Were you one of the writers? You and Tom Bassden, of course.

Tom and I wrote it. Brilliant, brilliant pairing. Good friends as well. Um, yeah, I would say so. No. Yeah. Yeah, he's helped me through my tougher times. Oh, no. Toughest time?

Currently. He's working. He's gone into overdrive. Have you done your same? Because your career is just, you're strapped to a rocket ship right now, mate. It's, I've been watching. We don't really say, mate, in this country. Let him have it.

He's had a rough morning. Let him have it. Have you seen that movie? What movie? There's a movie called Let Him Have It? Have you heard of it? No. Have you seen that, Sam?

Sorry? Has anyone out there seen Let Him Have It? Have you seen Let Him Have It? I've not, no, no. Google at Andrewsack. We don't like... On this, we like Mamma Mia too. We like fun movies.

We do. Have you seen Mamma Mia? We like fun. I most certainly have not. 1991 Crime Thriller starring Christopher Eccleston. 1991 Crime Thriller, starring Christopher Ecclinson. I used to work in the same bar as him. Well...

Different years, different years. The Illittleton Theatre Bar at the National Theatre. Thank you very much. Wow. I'm planning to go there this week. Oh, were you going to go there this week. Go see? Dear England. Slay?

I guess so. Andy, can you just give us the... I suppose it is rather slay. You have to let Tim have his moment too, because that was unkind. No, sorry about that. He's not in with the lingo. He's like slayed. He goes, phew, like, yeah, you're going to be like...

But he's not a hog. It's not hard. Oh my God, he's giving Saka. He's giving Gareth Southgate. You will have to leave if you're going to be like this. Sorry, I'm coming down. Don't be sorry. It's not going to be better. How can I help you? Would you mind give him me?

the pressie of what happened and let him have it. In this fact-based film, British working class team, idiot. Derek Bentley and Chris Craig take to behaving like the film noir anti-heroes. Sorry, Helen's doing a listening face. I have to focus

because I believe it or not, I find I'm incredibly distracting. Yeah, he's like a sort of deranged mosquito. When I listen, I sort of toy with a lube. I used to do that. I used to press on the edge of my ear during a Some people, they're still joined up.

Yeah, they are. No, you should do that. We love those people so much. Chris begins carrying a gun to look the part. Unfortunately, the boys have a run-in with a police officer that takes a tragic turn, and Derek and Chris end up on trial for murder. Next line. While Chris is still a minor and faces only a prison sentence,

the older Derek will be put to death if he can't prove his innocence. Next sentence. To death. I have to go into the full page now. Is it set in America? England. Oh, really? Shut up.

It could be Ken Lodge, maybe Mike Lee. It's not Mike Lee. The film is based on the true story of Derek Bentley, who was convicted of the murder of a police officer by joint enterprise and was hanged in 93 under controversial circumstances. Right, what were the controversial circumstances? I've got to go to the citation there. Did they not have peer point to do the right measurement of the rope?

Got a hard hour at 11. Go on. He always says that, then we'll see him downstairs, scoffing pastel dinadas at the cafe. Do you know what? I heard something very funny yesterday. Go on. One second, Andy.

I'm just about to do an anecdote. Sorry, yeah, yeah. He's sort of known for them, sort of. A friend of mine was going to do a podcast. And he knew that they went on for ages. So he said to them, he said, I've got a hard out. I've got a hard out.

So I've got to be somewhere. Oh, it doesn't matter. No, no, no, no, no. I hate that so much. No, no, no, no. That is my least liked character in a pastime. I've got to be out. I've got to be out after an hour.

I'm so sorry, I've got somewhere to be. And then they said, well, okay, well, what time do you want to do the podcast? And he said, I don't really mind. It's not that good of a story, really. No, I like it a lot. Did you? So I was on a, do you know, Enmore Theatre?

Yeah, I know. In Sydney. We were on the same gig. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I said. You hid in the wings. I was high in a really weird way.

But I was supposed to go on last and I was like, oh man, I cannot be far. Why would you be on last? I know, headliner. And so I was very talented. I messaged them. I messaged them. I was like, weird, odd, you know, doesn't fit in, but you feel like you should laugh because if not, it is sadder.

I know. I'm always laughing to fly. To fly my freak flag. So I was supposed to be last. Headliner. Headliner Andrew. And I was like, I texted. I was like, oh, I'm really sorry.

I can't stick around. I've got to be in the first half. I've got this like, I've got, I can't even remember the excuse, but it was week, week, week. And I turn up and Edbert and he's angry. You go, see him, I'm going to choose when he goes on. And he's like, basically, I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. But he's about the headliner anyway.

You know, he's going to bring him home. This is, you know, an older crowd. And I... Who are you talking to? Sorry? The cameras, the audience. He talks out to the cameras. Yeah, well, he's different.

So basically, but you know, for every amazing idea I have, I have 15 dark thoughts. I'm the other way around. so so i do so i go on my dark thought i go on yeah i die on my poo day so i really what you don't i didn't think it was a great gig on what i just died i i didn't and so then my friend ray and i went we went to the place next door to the theater to smoke shisha and we were still smoking shisha as the crowd and the promoter who i'd been texting me like i've got to get out of there got to be in the set we're just there smoking a shisha flavor called Mario Brothers.

They're difficult anecdotes to tell, aren't they, these ones? No, that was all right. You were taking it in. Mine was the same. Mine was tough. I found mine tough. I, honestly,

do a similar anecdotes so we've all done, one. But mine are good, mine are punchy. You look astonished. Well, I just thought it was all right. Like, people don't always need to be gone, ah, like, people just like can have a right smile.

Come and kiss the bruise. Come and kiss the bruise. Come on. Bruises can be so many colours. Some are green, some are purple. Oh. Did you get left with a bit of wet residue? I got a bit of wet.

Ew. Bruce kiss. And I'll kiss anyone's bruise. If you email me, I'll come and give it a kiss. Sam, Helen was to ask us to do an anecdote. Okay, this one time I was doing this gig. Once. Yeah, I've done actually six gigs, but I've only got an anecdote about what.

Once upon a down one. The other one, no one wants to hear about how you kill it, but I'm an absolute killer on stage. Once a part of time in Helen's world. No, I live on earth with other people. I did this. Very quickly, as a side point. Yes.

I saw you last year and you were fantastic. Oh, fuck off. I told you that. No, no, don't like that. Don't like that. Yeah. No. Is it just feel sarcastic?

I've had people turn that around because I'm laughing at your set and they're like, what the fuck is your problem? Never. Never. I've literally seen you leave when I go on stage. That's to get more people. I do not support women in comedy. That's to get more punters to be, come, come, see her, watch her.

Oh, you crack me up. A woman walks on. There's not about the little guys, like there needs to be a treaty. That's in the new show. It's a fantastic show. Thank you. I like short men, but not in a sexual way, just for friendship. It doesn't matter.

That's why I like, this is lad. But he's a big boy, and I know that. Okay, this one time, this one time I had to do a gig, and I was in Berlin, and I was quite new, and I really needed toilet, okay? But it was one toilet, because it was one of those, like, cooperative spaces where it used to be a shop. It wasn't actually supposed to be a... Where is it starts?

So like, well, because I'm fucking, I'm broad, aren't I? I'm, you most certainly, you are not broad.

Hardy. Hardy, you are not hardy. I am a hardy woman. I'm hardy. I'm hardy. And quite frankly, this is mental.

I've never sat here before since we've been in the studio. There is no space for me between these microphones. Yeah, we could sort of point out. Well, then do it. You've watched me,

but you both watching the whole time. Tim. Oh, sorry. Sorry. My friend, what am I? Yeah.

What's your center of gravity? and that's I'm doing my anecdote I'm doing my anecdote That's an open question And right in Light up the comments Light up the comments now

But the centre of gravity Do you have a high one or a low one What do you think? Hi Hi Hi Pretty low Yeah

Hard to push over I couldn't push you over I don't think Hi Yours is low That's insane Wait should we clear the table right now And do a little push

Absolutely not Why not No we shouldn't No we shouldn't No yeah There is a good game Where you just have Well if you stand up

And then you can on here. This is going to be a YouTube episode listeners. Go check out the video. Oh, get on YouTube. Wait, I can describe it. Okay, so Tim puts his... Oh, good point. Yeah, I forgot the medium.

You didn't forget the medium. I want to watch it. Okay, Tim's putting his hands up to do like a high 10. Tim, have you ever spoken to a medium or anyone in that world? My mum spoke to a fortune teller who told her she'd never leave Europe. Had she? and then went to South Africa. Yay! The fortune teller.

And why is it always a crystal ball? Why not some other shapes? We want to see a crystal cube. I don't mind the advert. Who's in that advert with the crystal ball? There's someone who does an advert? Christopher Eckleston. No, Eckleston.

Andy, have you seen that advert recently where someone's got a crystal ball? This rings a bell. Yeah, it's a comedian. In a crystal ball? Magic Mixies? Is it Sunil Patel? He's in a lot of advert. It's not Sunil. No, he's fantastic in

advert. I do think you can be in adverts and you look at it and go, well, he's good in that advert. He's brilliant. Well, it's what like Jack D D used to do that and Peter Kay, do you know Peter Kaye? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What advert did Jack Dee do? Nasty, Peter K apparently... John Smith's. Apparently, Peter K if after the MC, and he was brilliant.

Careful. When he finished, he said, and I love him, and I think he's just like a national treasure and an international delight, but he would finish. set and then he would wrap the microphone called around the mic stand so for the next guy it would be really hard you'd have to untangle

I've heard that about like 10 different people it's all bullshit yeah it is bullshit it's all bullshit the amount of stories you hear particularly when you're starting with someone goes like oh I've got this crazy story

about like McIntyre and it's like we've none of us have met him none of us have met him why are you doing this someone was saying that like Tim wanted to start a foundation for young female comedians

when he takes them away I was in that foundation for a sort of three week retreat but I don't think there's any let's do this game come on okay so Tim and Sam are now both standing up

Well, we're not, because I just need to... Andy, are you checking to see who does the Fortune Teller advert? There's an advert for Michael McIntyre's Netflix special, which involves a Fortune Teller. No, no. This is a new advert on TV with The Fortune Teller. Yeah. And someone says,

I can see great fortunes coming to me. I can't. And he says, oh, it doesn't matter. The point being, it's a comedian. At the start, you go, okay, comedian's doing this advert. And then you're like, yeah, does it really well. Anyway, oh, now is it.

Yeah, we're thinking about fortune cookies as well. Have you ever had a nice one of those? Sam, I'm going to beg you to finish this bit, and then we can talk about your cookies, okay? I feel like a mother of two really sweet baby boys. Okay, so Sam and Tim are facing each other, like, crotch to crotch. Sammy, Sammy, good boy. They're facing each other, hands up in a big tent.

Tim's now got his arm coquettishly on his hip. But feet together, feet together, feet together, hands up in a big ten. I've got it. got the advert. Andrew, right, Andrew, peer pin in that. Sam, you're in a bit of a silence retreat right now. Tim, please play the game. But his fly is half undone.

I can see it half his knob. Sammy, good boy. Off we pop. Oh, what if he falls back into that? So Tim gave Sam a high 10 and Sam toppled like a babby. No. It's nuts. It's Tim's game.

It's Tim's game. Sam went to high 10, Tim, and he slid his hands open. Oh, they're intimidating each other. Gentle. Gentle. Gentle. Okay, Sam's overexcited, pretending to tickle.

Tim seems quite calm. Sam looks like a rabid little dog. He looks like a Chihuahua, if I'm honest. And Tim looks like a golden retriever. One or, one or, one or. Is it best of three? Sam, send to yourself for a minute, my puppet. You're over, no, but you're over-excited and you're not focused.

You're not focused. And you've both got semis now, which is fucking mortifying. You do. Fucking, turn away from the cameras, please, boys. No, turn back, calm down. Sam, take a minute. You've got to take a beat. You aren't relaxed, so are you.

Well, I want to hear more about this, Edward. We'll get to it. Sam needs to get himself checked out. He has. That's the worst thing. You're okay. You're okay. Some people say I'm in a quiet taste.

Some people say I've got an acquired brain injury. Yay! Okay, that was a good, Sam, good job. Good job, Sam. Okay, what happened there, man? You got over-excited and you couldn't focus. Well, it's like, I feel like Casparol versus in the computer. Like, he was impossible.

He was like clinical. Deep blue. Wait, who's Casparo? Oh, the chest thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how to play, so I don't really like it. You know, the pieces move. No, I don't.

All I know is the horse goes. in an L. I genuinely have never been taught. That's the hardest one. What do you think the bishop does? What do you think the bishop does? Do it with your cup? No. Yes. Yeah, diagonal. There has been research. Chess has involved many different pieces over the years. So there was a snake, there were other things representing. There was like... Right. Stop one second. Tim,

one second. The lack of support between the two of you for each other is actually quite upsetting. We've got a lot of men listening to this who are looking to you to open up the conversation. Men need to listen. We have so many distressed men. He needs to be listening talking to each other and this is such an awful example of that. Andrew's 25. No. How's he able to be inspired by this? Are you 25? Yeah, yeah. That's fantastic. Yeah, it's great for it. Years old. Yeah, yeah. Be supportive. Oh, I support that. Yeah. You know what guys? I'm all for that. Yeah. Andrew. Andrew, I'm just going to do a quick compliment circle just to refocus everyone if that's okay. So what we're going to do is I'm going to compliment

Tim, Tim's going to compliment Sam, Sam's going to compliment me. Can we go the other way? You, piece of it. No, it's not a no. It's not reverse time. Come on. Do you want to compliment Tim? I compliment this guy every day. I like say like I'm glad to live in the same timeline as him. He like, is like an incredible hard. Don't look at me. Look at him. I think he's just like an incredible like body of work and he still manages to be so churlish and so funny at every opportunity and he thinks a lot about what he does and I appreciate him more than I think you could have another. Okay, Tim.

Sam sent me a script yesterday. My God. Okay. You, come on. Come on. Dig deep. Do I have to do, Sam? I thought we were going around a circle.

Please, Sam's done me. Sam just really bad a soul to you and it's actually quite moving. I'd love to see it reciprocated. I don't know if you've received that before. It's like wet diamonds. He's crying. I think he's crying from some of my words. That's hay fever.

That's it, true. You can tell. Funny That's Look at him Look at him Give him the dignity Of eye contact

Funny It came through Gritted teeth But it came through Accept it Classy Classy Classy

Clarsy Brave Brave Brave Not to get up there With that stuff Boring Right

That was really sweet For a moment Shouldn't be in the UK Am I allowed to say the C word? Am I allowed to attack people? Yeah, of course. That was not okay, mate. I'll send you into orbit, mate.

And have you read the script? I've written the beautiful script that stars Tim Key. Oh, I read it? Yeah. And it's being made. Like, it's not even fake. It's really good. Yeah.

I play a character called Apricot. I have not read that script. Do you know what? When you make an actual movie and then the next thing you're offered is to play a an apricot. It's not an apricot. It's a character called apricot.

I forgot about the movie. Yeah, but why is he called apricot? That's his name. Well, yeah, but obviously he's like a silly person. No, he's not. He's a good character. Why is he called apricot? He's like the most loved character in the show.

Like, everyone wants a piece of him. Sam, you did not say that the other night. You did not mention an apricot when we were talking about your script. So don't try and twist this now. Okay, let me ask you a question. I turn the part down. I turn the part down. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah? Who'd you go to next? Oh, I take my own life. That's not what you said. That's the second time you've threatened that today. No, I've got two things. What's strange things are you saying on a podcast?

Okay, I know that's not true because he said Brett Goldstein the other night. Quick as a flash, so we're fine. Brady? Yeah, literally. Now, I'm just going to quickly take control. Andrew, let's hear about this Crystal Ball advert for Tim. Sam, respect the space. Tim wanted to know this.

Andrew's researched it. Everyone's put effort in. I've got the feeling that the person. person and he's going to mention is brilliant. Okay. Yeah. Simon Farnaby. Yes, I knew it.

Skippton Building Society. I knew it. We adore you Farnaby. Brilliant. Also, just to close off one other thread. Thank you, Andrew. Derek Bentley's controversial conviction and hanging was based on the fact that he said, let him have it.

And then he was culpable for the murder. But that's the whole crux of the film. Does he mean let him have the gun or does he mean shoot him? Oh, yeah. What do you think? We've got to be so careful of double meanings. I've been to Simon Farnaby's house. That's what I think.

Heaven. He's got a mortgage. Downstairs toilet? Downstairs toilet. Upstairs toilet. Toilet that's also a lift. I mean, he's got a lot. And he's got a little toilet that scuttles around that follows you about the house. I'm going out whenever you need.

I would fucking love that. Yeah. Just during this period of like getting into my mid-30s and like just not trusting my gut anymore, like I would love a toilet to be with me at all. I nearly, I nearly walk past the scene. of a crime, or a crime I did on the street.

Toilet trolley. A toilet trolley. Just a wall that I had to have an accident behind. Ah, accident wall. Accident wall. I wish you'd stop quoting your dating profile. I can't believe I'll have ever seen my dating.

It's beautiful. It's because I'm trying to find love. I'm ready to be loved and I'm trying to find love at the moment. And I've got a girlfriend. Yeah, and Sam's got a girlfriend. Did you actually? Well, look, what I would say is she is what she is. a stone cold goddess i can see you with an absolute fox actually he's amazing

our listeners will be heartbroken last time you came on all the comments were like is sam single really no sorry well look he's not single and he looks stupid next to his girlfriend you know that's going to eat him up on the inside because he loves you so much to him I love some I'd also love to talk about your movie I have loved the first 30 minutes I love it

I love the premise I love the island I love the irons I thought the irons were all really in set it was that perfect thing where the horizon was always never at the midpoint

of the screen which is something we're always looking for obviously Is that what happens That is the Is that what happens in the film What happens in the film

The horizon is not in the middle Is that true? I don't know I was watching it on my phone on a train, man. Best way. It's been a lot of being attacked. No, whilst next to Sineal Patel, eating a trillionaires tart in a box. Millionaires.

No, it was trillionaires. That's the difference. Wake up to yourself and listen. Sorry. Can I guess the third layer? We don't know. We don't know. It was just magic.

What do you think? What's millionaires and what's billionaires? Well, millionaires would be shortbread and caramel and. chocolate. But that's already free. Right. I would say Trillionaires, maybe you add patte, I want to say. And then Trillionaires. I do have a meeting today.

No, you don't. What are you like in a meeting? I'm good in a meeting. I had a meeting with him once. He electrocuted me during it. And I'm not joking. You did. With a pen. And the pen is different to a chair, for a meeting with Sam. This is like, I don't know, about a year ago. And they

went, oh, do you want a pen to write anything down? I was like, oh, yeah, I should probably have a pen. I clicked it. and I got electrocuted and then he went No, I didn't. I'm not joking. On my life. I smiled privately later. I went into a room just to smile.

The meeting was to be his driver for gays. No, it's not. It was to be a huge actress and to be a huge star in my show. In the show that I'm working on. And you know what I've done? I've said, yes, please. And then he electrocuted me.

Oh, we've on boarded Helen. This is how you got the gig. I got electrocuted and I wasn't a bitch about it. Please write in and start a petition. Tim, please accept the role of Apricot. He has two gorgeous scenes with Helen Bauer. No. They're sharing the scenes, yes, fabulous scenes.

Then we have to do it. You can make my dreams come true as well. I'd love to act with Helen. Really? This is your chance. Well, let's do it now. I think Helen is, practice what you preach. I think Helen's fantastic.

Helen's fabulous. And looking for love. Oh, yeah. And looking to be loved. I only wish Catherine Bohart was here. You know what she's doing right now? She's closing so much of this down. Oh, no, we can't, no, no, no, Crystal Balls.

That's offensive to always. Irish people. It is. It's good. Crystal Balls is not Irish. Well, she would have so. Actually, it might be. Do you know where Sam lives?

Yeah. Can I say? I can say. What? I know where Sam lives. Gospel woke. Here we go. Finally, start recording.

We're off. It's ready. It's time to go. If that's funny, I'm a pretzel. That's no good. Gospel work. Quite good, isn't it? That's not great.

It's gospel oak, but woke, yeah. Yeah, it's wordplay, it's cheap, it's beneath you. You also don't live there, that's near me. I do live in gospel oak. No, you don't. I do. No, you don't. I thought you, what's happening?

I thought you lived in that Camden. Gospel Oak is near Camden. Is it? What am I thinking of? Honor Oak, never mind, forget everything I just said. I live in the South. So? Just wanted to tell you.

All right. How's your sparkling water? Southern water. Southern water. Pretty good, actually. Yeah? Yeah. I like a San Pellegrino.

Have you ever had the ones with the orange flavor in it? I prefer it as it comes. Okay. Each of their own. Guys. What else is on the... No, no, please. I have to do the format because I've never managed to do it when...

Do the format. Are we about to start? Yeah, yeah. You too. Can I cough? You can cough. Tim? I'll cough when during it.

Did you fart during that? No. I don't like any farred humor. No? Seriously. I can... Fahue is so funny. I listened to...

You know this could be like the last episode like Catherine is saying like I'm feeling a bit uneasy about it's taking up a lot of my time I want to focus on my live stuff maybe do my own radio show something like that Sorry Helen, sorry

You don't care do you Helen Do you care? You don't care do you? Catherine's got the world at her feet I say that She really does Did you see her Edinburgh show last year? Yeah

She's gorgeous She's so amazing Whichever way you look at it Don't care how you wrap it up Catherine Bohart is pin sharp Yeah She's the last of the great great white storytellers.

Anyone listening to this who is interested jot down the name Catherine Boehart. Catherine Mary Joseph Bohart. Kill me now and reincarnate me as a headlisic and go through those crimson locks.

Now, is it true that you spent some time in India with Catherine Boehart? It's true. Tell us about that. I was reading a book that you had lent me called Say Nothing.

So I was asking her I don't lend people and the IRA. You bought me it, yes. What's Say Nothing? about who's that by it's about is it do nothing or say nothing say nothing say nothing be careful the peelers be careful bobby sands so it was all about that so i was really interested in irish um histories that's become a tv show on disney yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i was talking to katherine

a lot about that so can you do you know why it's called disney plus yeah do you mean to tell him oh is this a trick question or do you know i most certainly do not know Oh, okay, because it's, well, it's all the Disney movies plus a few more goodies. There we go, that's the answer. All the Disney movies plus a few more goodies. Yeah, and Pixar and the Beatles. Yeah. Do you love the movies at the start of Pixar movies where they have just have a little movie?

Yes. Every movie, have that instead of... It's not called volcano, it's called lava and I love it. Whatever it is, but have that instead of a fucking ad for some... Oh, it's bank? Let's see a little short. You're serious? Sorry.

What was that about? I just, I'm sick of ads. Well, we've established some ads are good. Simon Farnaby's. Yeah, yeah. When they're done properly, they are fantastic. When I was at Simon Farnaby's house, yes, go on, Helen. Sorry, I would actually like to just quickly regain control and do a problem from a listener.

I want to hear about Simon Farnaby's house. I know, I want to hear about Simon Farnaby's house as well. But the thing is, I said I was going to do a problem today. So can we make sure we do a problem? Because Tim's actually got a hard out at 11. And Sam's got, well, I'm sure he's got some meddling to do, some Dennis the menacing around the streets. And I've actually, I've got a hard out at 11. Do you know why?

Because I've got to be somewhere at 12. Wake up, everyone. Okay, we have a problem from a listener. No, no, no, no, no. How do you deal with toxic co-hosts who abandoned their fan base to do with some TV show in Tenerife? Listen to Helen. You have to listen to women. I love women.

But you don't believe me when I say I want to do. He doesn't believe in women. Kiss my bruise. I do. Come and kiss my bruise. I'm not doing any more bruise getting. I love women so much than glorious to me. I'll tell you a brilliant woman.

Top five favorite women. Cilabra. Zilla Black. I said Budica. Budica. D. Wallace. Who's that? Chiggy. We love Chiggy. He's chicky.

Tim's agent. Oh, that's nice. Oh, yeah. Winnie Mandela. Yeah, sorry. We missed out Winnie Mandela. I think you got one more. I'll go Terry Owen. Oh, hang on, but maybe I've only done one so far, so I should do the last one.

Oh, you both get five? Yes. He's going to say Pamela Anderson, which I respect. Most certainly am not. She's about to do Broadway. Is Eliza Doolittle, a woman? Of course Well there we are

Pigmalion Oh She She um No I was going to ask Who's your favourite Fictional character

Oh my favourite fictional character I know the answer to this Odysseus Who's that one He was like Involved Yeah great guy For which one

He owned Rymans Yeah He didn't You referenced Riemannes I did There's a saying about great minds and I'm thinking they do favourite fictional character you really put me on the

spot I do love Arthur Mr. I know mine we'll do Sam first we might come to you if we have time Helen you're all right favourite fictional character Do you want me to just do my Simon Farnaby anecdote while you're thinking of it? Yeah yeah yeah I was at his house it was the

League Cup final Newcastle against Liverpool he's a Newcastle fan Newcastle scored he jumped up he smashed the chandelier he broke two bits of glass from it and then the goal was ruled out by V-A-R go on, come around Thomas Ripley

From what? Ripley's The Talented Mr. Ripley I've not read it They're good And there's Ripley's game Yeah yeah yeah And the lady who wrote it

I think she would just ride in bed And eat chocolates and smoke cigarettes And just like laugh As she was running this Ripley I've improved Helen I was going to do a snoring noise there And I didn't Imagine that asking him the question then

So Tim what's one movie you've never seen No, you have to ask me about my favourite pictures Is the movie you've never seen? The graduate Oh You're being really unkind to each other

And to me now now And to the audience, both of you It's just bad behaviour What sort of figures you did? It's been bad behaviour since both of you arrived actually We didn't get to do our Helen compliments Okay, yeah Okay, babe, babe is my favourite

character because you learn that politeness is the best way to get results. What do I like about Helen Mal? She is such a dynamic performer. She cares about people. She checks in with people. She tries to make sure there is never a dull moment. There's never a dull moment. And when on set she's such a joy and everyone goes,

oh, we love, like, you know, they just love having Helen around. Oh, I'll take that. Yeah. And she works really hard. You might not see it because it seems so, like, joyful and effortless. but she works really hard as well. I do work really hard. It's the swan's feet.

A duck. A duck. A duck. A duck. Tim, I'd like a compliment as well, please. Fantastic, fantastic, charismatic, wonderful comedian. Don't know you as a person. That's fine.

Probably absolutely fine. No, I'm actually really good as a person. I bet you're a decent laugh. Well, sometimes. We've met once or twice off stage and I've always enjoyed your company. No. I have? No.

Yes. thank you I like your company I think you're very talented I like your company I think you're very talented and you're both fucking fit as shit

yes thank you for that fucking fit you've had a small teaspoon of the chemistry between Helen and Tim and be on the look at for this new sitcom that's coming out

where Tim has Apricot and Helen has Pat and they share the screen I can't wait to film it now time for a listener problem on this podcast we do listener problems where our listeners

write in and we solve their problems and today the three of us are going to do that for someone else because it's important to give because if we keep facing the sun the shadows will always fall behind us and today we will ensure that person

you can't get a tan from a drawing of the sun one second Tim put his hand up to ask a question you just spoke no bad rude very rude and unkind adorable I was wondering whether we can after this section just so we know what our format is upcoming after this can we

read a couple of pages of Pat talking to apricot from his script you can't do that. Yeah. That's like illegal. Have you got it on you? Yeah. No, but I don't think you're allowed to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, because it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, yeah. It's like, it's real. It's not fake. Guys, join the patron, come to the extras. Get a look at Channel 4. I don't think you're allowed to do that.

Because they wouldn't do that for like Gladiator 2 or something. They wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, I'll read a bit of the script. That sounds like, isn't it? I'm, I could get them a bit of whole water here, Tim. I'd probably even be sure to me even be saying the word apricot right now the producers are going to kill me it doesn't matter because we're onto the we're into this feature first with helen's feature about the problems Andrew will you step in and promise that

this because I don't know if you're allowed to do a reading of something that hasn't even been filmed yet for me this is like a nature documentary I just have to let it unfolds I can't step in wait what animals are we can't play God he's only 25 God's probably about 80 he's older than that

you think yeah oh bloody out like Trump No, Trump's not 80 Yet, Trump's 80 Is he? Yeah, he's old Why is I think he was like 60 something? Because he's so ideal No, not nice man and I know that

And I want the audience to know that I know that Because I am educated Andrew We'd love to have a question He did it again You're being, who are you showing off to Is it Tim or me? Is it off you and Andrew?

Can you stop biting that? Andrew, we'd love to love to have a listener problem and in advance for the listener who's written in, sorry. Yeah, I've deliberately not picked anyone like on the... I find Catherine patronises the listeners questions quite often. Unbelievable. Like, she talks to them as

if they're like a 13 year old kid who's like at a sleepover. She sometimes be like, and do that okay and it should be okay. We're going to give real proper grounded answers that are not idealistic. We always give proper answers. Yes, please Tim. Do we have like a biscuit? No, but I do have a protein

bar, two satsumas, a pot of mixed nuts and a peanut butter sandwich in my bag. Wouldn't mind a satsuma. One second. Should I read the problem? Yeah. One satsuma, Tim, is from like a shop like 10 days ago and one is from a shop two days ago.

Does it matter? What do you think? I imagine so. Are they tiny ones? Yeah. Oh, they're really tiny. Okay, Tim's feeding window is flying open. He will now be fed this, Satsuma.

Um, dear listeners It smells a little banana Say it banana On the train this morning From that pot He just went to me as well How do you fit a banana in that pot? It was a little organic banana

Oh nice She's doing well I'd have snacks for me Is it a problem from me? No, no no you peel it first Oh no Oh you fucking muntow You dirty prick

What do we got here? Uh, he says Hi trusty hogs Hi You're not a trusty hogs You say hi E you are You are for today Hi, E. You're beautiful.

Hi, E. Say it. Hi, E. Hi, E. Good boys. I'm 22, she, her. And in August, I'm moving into a student house for uni. Ooh. University. Yes, indeed. How old is this person? 22. The six of us living in the house.

The problem is that me and another housemate confessed our attraction for each other whilst drunk. I'm entirely to blame, as I was the one who said I liked her first. Since then, we've been texting on and off all over the Easter holiday. and my question is, do I date her? Everyone keeps telling me it's a bad idea and she said one of her friends said the exact same. But the chemistry between us makes it so hard not to flirt. I didn't have feelings for her

when we all signed the lease but now we've got past Christmas break I realize I do. What should I do? Okay, did anyone here go to university? Yes, a friend of mine Oh, damn it. Step with someone on a pool table, just as an aside. Do you think that's relevant?

I don't think so. Well, did they enjoy it? It is actually relevant because what happened then was we moved into a house together and the girl from the pool table anecdote was living next door. But also they had a door between their two bedrooms. Oh. You could go from one house to the other through a door in the... Okay, that's charming, though.

That's a farce. Is it still charming when they broke up? You tell me. Oh yeah, that's not charming then. Because everyone does break up, don't they? eventually, if not through relationship problems, death. I don't know. I think you've got to go for it, though.

If you've got a vibe with them. You're 22, go for it. Even if it explodes, it'll be so worth. There's six people in the house, and it's like you're predicting future awkwardness, but there's always going to be future, like, you are going to shit yourself, like, four times in your life, and it's going to be awful.

There's going to be an argument over, like, who bought some aluminium foil or something. You're going to fall downstairs in front of so many people, you know. Yeah, always choose love. You're 22. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to accidentally vomit down yourself or on top of someone else at some point

Like things are going to go wrong I went out with someone who I lived with And we were living together first Did you do it? It blew up in our face She was a hairdresser She was obsessed with thinking people were aliens By the shape of their head

She could be like touch them and be like, yep, alien She like knew from the shape of their head And that sort of ended maybe a little bit Pairshape edit That we became friends after that And it was totally worth it Are you still friends now? I haven't checked in for a while

Yeah, she lives in Brisbane, she's nice I once fancied this boy so much He moved really close to me And I was like, it's because he loves me It's always moved close But he didn't, it just worked out practically That his friends had already found somewhere I just happened to be close

But I took it as a sign And I used to just like always be like around his Like, hey Are you still in touch with him? No Do you check in? I mean, I search him every now and again On that's a similar thing

But he just doesn't post, you know? I don't need to post No I don't need to know either It's none of my business, is that? But Tim, you're sort of a bit of a cassernaver or someone who has, you know... Well, you've bought the whole block that you live in,

you're in a flat block and there's a lady on every floor. I've got the flat block. Yeah, it's a slide tunnel. Yeah, slide tunnel. That would actually be the most perfect scenario. Buy a flat block, a friend on every floor and then someone that you diddle with every other. Who's on the...

Oh, yeah. For a dittle. I think someone in the penthouse suite. No, you want to be on the penthouse. No, I want to be like really at the bottom. I like being underground or in like a basement. Where are you at the moment? I live at my landlady is loose-handed.

Sorry? What? Sorry, that was supposed to be for sharing that's that sumer. I had like three pieces and they handed it over and you ate the whole thing. Sorry, I thought you when you said we're doing three segments. You meant this at Sumer. Fuck. What was the topic before?

And I was not bragging before. Because, you know, I'm very... Bragging about what? Just any kind of stuff like that. I'm very, like, love shy and very, yes. Do you love me? Huh? One second. One second.

I love collaborating with you. Do you fancy me? Huh? Do you fancy me? Do you think I'm fair? Next question, please. Do you think I'm fair? We haven't even solved.

I'm only human, Helen. We're those big naturals. How could I not? Can I Beautiful milkers Can I quickly say To E Like you've got to go for it

Because it also could be It could be the one It could be you could be like Barack and Michelle Obama They're on the rocks No Yeah How do you know How the fuck

Be on the rocks We're a 25 year old from Soulsbury E Know that their relationships on the rocks Sorry Andrew Just a moment Stop hugging the shore Go for it and be on the rocks

Go set sail discover new lands go for this you can find another place you can find new friends you always go for it yeah life begins on the edge of the comfort zone life begins at 40 and what doesn't it I think that's what people say just to like you know I'm sure I saw that on a birthday card stop biting that lead why are you biting it I get excited I get excited next question please Andrew is there more than one is that what this by the way is this the format of the show that we're just sort of moving into now they're sort of like the format is supposed to that like we introduce the episode we catch up on our week and then we solve list of problems

but i have like such a hard time doing it when katherine's not here but i also think katherine with the invisible whip oh my goodness like what was the last one i did without katherine was like rose johnson and who else was on patrick spicer we didn't do a problem at all i don't think no we didn't um how does this compare tim as like a film promo opportunity compared to like radio six or something like that. Right, in terms of a film promo opportunity, I'd like to. I felt it sort of slips. You know Richard Curtis says this is like his top comedy. He's like, this is the most brilliant little gingerbread style British comedy I've seen in many years. What, Tim's film?

Let him do his film promo for a minute. No, I'm not doing my film promo. I'm explaining how this differs as per Andy's question. Thank you. Maybe listen to what people are saying before you attack me. From an actual promo opportunity. Sorry, Tim. That's right. Well, I think they come in all shapes and sizes. And so some of them might be too dry and then, you know, so it's like a bit boring and then others maybe like too far the other way.

Too wet. Too wet. Yeah, this one is, and this is not a criticism, Helen, this promo opportunity is absolutely sopping wet. Yes. This is an absolute quagmire of a promo. Okay, I've got the script here. I'd love to hear about the,

oh, can you quickly just say about the film? Because I actually, I loved the first 30 minutes. And it's sat on an island. I saw an early rough cut. of the film on a laptop and it was incredible and this guy I'm like he's like at an amazing actor he's very talented he's so charming in it and so kind

and like it's such a different character to the one you know the guy that I know who you see right now it's just brilliant it's insane that the transformation he is a chameleon he is a shapeshifter he is brilliant crazy to ask this 45 minutes in what's the name of the film Wallace Island Wallace and Robert Island is it

yes Dude, I got said it last night at like 11 p.m. I was coming back from a gig. I had to write this thing. You were half-mashed. I was high on a lovely meal. No, I sent it very late. I'd forgotten that that was part of my...

I didn't laugh. Yeah, part of my rationale. But, I mean, I don't mind. Like, I agree. The first half, you know, there's a lot of plodding around. And it's charming enough. It builds, it builds. It builds because in the middle section goes crazy.

Okay, thank you so much to listening to Trustee Huggs this week. We haven't quite finished. We have, oh yeah, sorry, please. Do you mind if we just do four lines from the sitcom? We have two minutes. Yeah. Okay, go. I'm just right on it.

Okay, go for it. No, you're that one. Mind if I borrow your lighter? Do you need a cigarette? That's not how you'd say. It's more like. You're, like, weirded out by this guy. Do you need a cigarette?

That's so good. Yeah. Well, that gives you a flavour. Oh, great. Thank you so much to Tim Keigh and Sam Campbell. Please join us next week where it's going to be so much better. Why are you popping? Why are you?

You are amazing. God fucking bless you. We love you, babe. We love you girlfriend. Kisses. You don't love me at my best. You don't deserve me at my worst. We adore you.

We want to give you something. A meal without wine is called breakfast. Bye. Bye. I just want to say, on behalf of me, on behalf of Catherine, on behalf of Andrew, on behalf of them, on behalf of the world, I guess. Thank you so much to our executive producers and our producers. Let's start with the execs. You know them. They're sexy as fuck. They're hot as shit. It's Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Stephanie Catracea, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Angela S, Davey Cashmore, Sarah Deeking, Amanda. Amanda McCall. I can read your name. Amanda. Please let me read it. Charlie Weems. Weems. Weems. You can say weems as much as you want. I will always try a different go for it. And then obviously our producers, we don't forget, lest we forget our producers. L. Richard Bold. Harold Van Dyke. Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Claire Owen Jones, Sarah and Molly. Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Worf, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, it's Jam Rainbird. Have I missed a row? I need to follow this with my finger. I have Leah, Kate, Liz Fort, Taz Anthony Clow, Becky Fox, Dean Michael, Sophie Chivers, Chivers, Carrie Sooth, Suthy, Sothe, Sothea, Charlie A, KC, Jammer, Tamsin Smith, Harbour.

Editha Perrigan, Bryn, Laura Pollock, Leah Overan, Stephen Chicken, Haley Singer, Dougie Robertson. I have not struggled with reading that much in a while. I love that you always crack up at Stephen Chicken. He's a lovely, lovely guy. And I bet, I bet, and I love you, Stephen Chicken. It's just, it's, it's so funny. Yeah.

It's so, I really hope that they have a partner and I hope their sound name is cow, so then they can be cow and chicken. Do you remember that TV show? Yeah. Thank you for your support. Mama had a chicken, daddy had a cow. Please don't cancel your Patreon. We appreciate you.

Oh, don't. You mustn't. No, don't. Thank you. Love you. Bye.