Trusty Hogs - Ep189. Football, Film Sets & Flying Visits

Episode Date: June 5, 2025

Catherine returns on a flying visit from the Canary Islands to tell us all about the luxury of an actor's life. Meanwhile, Helen is looking forward to a few weeks in Croydon and Slough...NEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCall / Charlie WeemesPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Go to CarGurys.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-S dot com. Cargooros.com. Hello, Trustee Hoggs. It is I, Andrew White, from the aforementioned, Trustee Hoggs. I am going to the Edinburgh Fringe for just two weeks, the 28th of July, to the 10th of August with my show, Young, Gay, and a Third Thing. It is award nominated, so you know it's good, and or maybe it was shit, but they nominated it anyway. It was good, Andrew.

It was good. So, yeah, come along. I'm at Monkey Barrel Cabaret Voltaire 835 every day, 28th of July, to the 10th of August. tickets available on my website, on the fringe website, just search Andrew White, Edinburgh Fringe, and come along. Thank you. Helen, I'm back. Yay! I'm back for a weekend, and we thought we'd squeeze in and record. And here we are. How are you?

Thry, no, I'm not doing good. How are you? I'm okay. It's episode 189? Yes. Oh my God, we're coming up on 190. Why does 89 feel like it's like a significant number? What is that? I guess if we were like a woman who was 89, we'd be, people would be like, Whoa.

What's 1989? It feels like a thing. The year after I was born? Oh, maybe it's the year after you were born. That's what it is. I think that's what it is. That's what it is. That must be it probably.

It's 10 years before in 1999. Which was a huge for the millennium bug. And 20 years after 1960. 169, which was the year. And 23 years after 1966 when the English won the World Cup. The World Cup. Of course you know. I love the World Cup.

I know you do. I, you're always saying it. And obviously, state. tuned to hear the trusty hogs world cup specials we'll be doing five episodes dedicated just to the cup we'll be traveling to wherever it's taking place this year does it happen every year i don't know i don't know every four years through the fog step for the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give me your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem They'll have guests

And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not All I know is I go to the finals To a pub

Because I like to feel like I'm part of it It's every four years Every four years Wait, you go to the finals even when England aren't in it or Oh no, no No No

Then you're going like the couple of times England's been. Are you thinking of the Euros? No, there was one. Okay, with England versus Italy. Was it a semi-final? That was the Euros. But it's not like a common thing that England are in the final of the World Cup

so you have to make the pub. Are we still in the Euros? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How come? Because you're still in Europe, if not the European Union. I thought we were. Oh, I wish those were the rules that you couldn't, if you weren't in the EU, that you couldn't be in the Euros,

because then Ireland would do much better. Really? Yeah. Sorry. Motherfucker, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How I, how I, I got, I missed you last week.

How was it? Wait, a second. I have so much to catch up. Wait, so do I. But also like, okay, first and foremost, how's the podcast going while I've been away? I've only done one. Right. The episode last week, who was your co-host?

I, um, so they've already had this. I had Tim Key and Sam Campbell. Who was the co-host? Sam Campbell Why It was Why? Because I love him

Because I love him But And I love Tim I'm such a fan of Tim Which one did you book first And then think the other would be helpful Tim first Yeah

Followed by Sam I was like this will be great This will be so great And how much run in did you have with Sam They kept We didn't We had a drink Maybe the night before

Or the night before that Just a half pint and I was like, I've got the best idea ever. You hadn't booked a co-host two nights before. No, because I thought I would just riff it. You were going to do it by yourself. Yeah. Why?

Just for fun. And also, Andrew was here. And I was like, be great. Andrew's so great. Like, you were going to do it alone. With Andrew and Sam Campbell and Tim Key. No, but you hadn't got Sam Campbell at that point. No, that's a fair point.

I was going to do it with, oh, okay, right. I hadn't thought about it. Are you happy? I can tell. I can really tell. I'd been doing other things. things. I'm trying to think if I think that Sam Campbell or Sam Camble of Sam Campbell as in David, of Sam Cameron. I wonder if Sam Cam would have been a better co-host. He was the

perfect co-host. I think it's, you know what I'll say for last week's episode. I think it's a great watch on YouTube. I think maybe a hard listen. Were you on their podcast by the end? I don't know. I honestly don't know what happened. There was a lot of kissing and fighting. Kissing between bruises. You know what? Actually, I'm so tired. This is really exhausting and stressful. It's nice to cap from back. It's nice to be back. It's nice to be back. And sorry if you listened last week.

Welcome to episode 189. I have been for the last four weeks in Tenery. And I go from here, back to the airport, back for another five weeks. I think the audience would like to say on behalf of all of us, how tanned and well you look. I'm exhausted. You look good. I look wrecked, but you're so kind to say that to me. I cannot tell you how glen.

Also, I do not look tanned. You do. I told you. do this the other day. You look so tan. I think I have a few freckles and that's it, but that's kind of you to say. What I would say is I've been largely avoiding, okay, let's get into it. I've been avoiding the son, but

only, maybe also because like, sorry, don't get me wrong. I don't mean to do a disservice to how difficult acting, the actual process of acting is. Oh, Catherine. But the lifestyle. The lifestyle? Like, yeah, okay, it's tricksy. Sometimes it's hard.

Like, but like, the lifestyle. are you fucking kidding me it's a dream i i'm like i'm sorry i don't for a moment mean to underplay it but like i want to do it forever please jesus if anyone wants to cast me in something i would love to do it i think maybe just like talk us through the day an average day of a comedian an average day of an average day of an actor and then the audience could have a vibe okay okay it's the edinburgh french it's midway through no no no let's do the best possible day of let's do the best possible you're gigging in london okay go and you wake up and you wake up to eight emails of deadlines

that you haven't quite made but you definitely owe people for writing stuff but you've been trying to do so much of the things that hasn't quite made it in but you're doing it you definitely need to get a description of that show that you haven't written yet in

you 100% are about to record that voice over and send it off to the people who are waiting on it you will 100 take another pass of that story that's ultimately about your family and your own personal trauma because you love the notes and then you've got to head in and record a podcast

which you'll be making your own way to no problem I like podcast and that's fine grab your own lunch because you're a 37 year old woman and then you will probably train to somewhere that's claiming to be London but it turns out is really far away Yeah

Hock Fosters Yeah that like actually it's like 29 minutes walk to the gig from the station But that's fine like who needs a path It's fun to run On Wednesday They're like it's a 30 minute walk But it's up a hill the entire way

Like through some woods I'm like you're fucking mental Can't wait, love to And did we say it's 20s Could you do 45 And then you do your 20 minutes set And everyone's really nice And then sometimes you get given diet Coke and you head home.

And you get home probably circa like 1 a.m. And after everybody takes your taxes and agents fees and blah, blah, blah, you've probably made like $120 that day. Sounds like such a good day. It's wicked. Yeah. You're doing things that you're driving that bus. I actually really like that.

Okay. Current life. the thing is I need to tell you that I am acting like it'll never happen again because it might never happen again and so I refuse to complain about it I actually think it would be worse

I don't want to brag about it but I think it would be worse to complain about it like criminal to complain about it I wake up in a five-star hotel it's stupid right I wake up in a five-star hotel my apartment is an entire villa

that's like a house that's bigger than my family home. I'm staying in alone. It's got two terraces, one that's got a garden and one that just goes off my bedroom. Are you fucking joking? In case I want to have my coffee in the sun in the morning and don't want to go all the way downstairs or something.

I don't know. It's so confusing. Your video calling me in like six hours when you land. It's unbelievable. I'll send you videos. I took videos obviously for my mom, for my girlfriend. I'll awesome to you.

And then I... Then you go downstairs. You have a coffee or whatever. And then it's like time to go to unit base. But unit base. is in my luxury hotel so you fucking bitch i oh by the way first i'll sometimes go for breakfast at the egg station a lady called antonio antonio antonia makes me um she's so nice makes me my eggs ever i want them and then i head to however i want them then i head to unit basis downstairs

somebody does my face and i mean like moisturizes my face massages my face then puts my makeup on some while somebody else paints my nails then like somebody puts on a fake tattoo or whatever then you go over if somebody does your hair then they're like Catherine, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Is everything alright? Is everything okay? Do you want some water? Have you had a good sleep? Are you okay? Could I possibly take you to costume? Would you mind coming to costume with me? And you're like, okay, I'll get a costume.

Do they have a throat infection? No, but they're just so gentle around the actors in case they kick off, I think. And then they take you in and then you go to set. Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm just remembering the times of gigged places where male comedians come out of the one toilet in the green room, but I'd leave that a couple of a minute.

Have you been in that gig where the toilet's in the green room, but there's no... Bath comedian. Yeah. Bath comedian. The toilet is in the green room. There's a door, there's a, there's a, like, the loosest definition of a door. But there's such big gaps that you just have to listen to the machine, it's horrific. Yeah, like, it's like an open stall and the rest of the room is like...

Like, oh God. But that's where you eat, you have to eat is nowhere else to be. All the I can think about it is, by the way, I, listen, best day of my life in comedy was doing, got to my, like, windowless dressing room. No one had put like a drink or a flower or a, like, and that's fine because it was like, who cares? The fee was insane. I was like, I don't give a fuck. Georgie had sent me flowers. But like, it wasn't like you come into this, like, you know, you come into your job.

I remember. It's the best day ever, but you're still like. this is like an average day on an acting set they're like let's get you to the car so you potter into the car someone drives you to the to the set which is in this particular case like spanish villas someone gets you another coffee and another drink and then when you do have to go on set which is very briefly like women swarm and i mean like they come out of nowhere they insist stop putting my sun cream on for me so you're a baby The amount of times on tour I've been like,

hey, I'd absolutely love it if it would be possible to get a stool for this stage, and they'd be like, no. I mean, okay, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just need to put some word or, no. Do you have like a table? We'd have to move one. Oh, I could, I could get it. What? I could carry it, fine.

Where would that be? That happens? Okay, you need to go to different venues. That's not. Yeah, I've had so, I've had venues where I'm like, I wonder if the light could like my face and they've been like, I had witnessed this and they were like

we'd have to get a ladder and I'd be like yeah this is not nice yeah that's what we're paying yeah that's kind of I think why you're getting

so much of my ticket sales is because I'd love the light to face my face if that's all right and they'll be like we'd have to get a ladder and you're like oh yeah I wonder if we could grab that ladder

and they're like oh no tell me where afterwards that's horrible yeah that particular venue to be fair we're never going back to it was one of the most

misogynist experiences my life but then so yeah so then um they put your sun cream on for you and like powder your nose and um pat your head and stone like coke oh no powder your nose is in like no no no like powder your nose um and then like really powder your nose because it's so sunny because it's so sunny and then when they call cut like a nice gentleman comes in is like would you mind holding this umbrella over yourself for a little while or would you like me this do that's horrendous and you're like that's cool like you hold the umbrella I'm fine and then you do that for a couple of hours and it's gorgeous because you get to see people

who are really good at their job doing it and you're also there being like, have I scored this gig? And then... This is so unlikable, Catherine. I know, I know. I'm literally listening to it being like... I know.

But can you also see how like it would be absolutely deranged of me to complain about it? Because I'm like, I'm there being like this might never happen again. I have not worked... I haven't had... So I graduated from drama school

13 years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I worked for one half day on a TV show. Thank you to more one. Oh, I'm saying you deserve it. No, no, no, no, I don't mean I deserve it. I just, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying, like, if my, if my hit rate is one acting job every 13 years, it would be insane to get the acting job and not enjoy it. Pretend it's anything other than like a delight. I'm having the best time. I feel so lucky. I think this is also like, from my acting experience, a very significantly amazing situation. Yeah, so people do keep saying that. because I've been like, oh, it's my first acting job.

Like, it's going for my first TV show. And they all look at me with like sort of like pitying eyes like, oh, baby's got me spoiled forever because this is not what it's like. It's not that. I gather that I'm like doing the nicest job in the world. And then, you know, like they drive you home and I sort of like, we'll go for a walk on the coast or go to the gym or, you know, and catering is delightful.

It's Tenerife. So they're doing all local things. fish every day. And everyone's Spanish. So they just say what they mean, which I find, well, actually, canarian, mostly. And I didn't know this about the canaries. They largely prefer to be thought of as canarian, not Spanish.

Which obviously, as an Irish cast, we're like, Yes, yes, canarians, we are canarians. What do you say? You like potatoes, that's true. But yeah, also, it's very funny watching an Irish cast be told, like, try to stay out of the sun. Because, like, on the one hand, they know they should, But on the other hand, they're like, there's sun, there's finally sun.

So, yeah. The aloe vera budget is out of this world. Honestly, the entire budget must be sun cream. We are being sprayed down. I'm trying to think what else. It's just, I don't know, I just feel very lucky. And also, I think the thing is with acting, I mean, let's, don't get me wrong. I still have 12,000 things to run on the side because we're comics.

But, like, largely to be able to have, to go to the same place every day, to stay in one country. for three months to have weekends off. Things that I just haven't done in 10 years, it's pretty amazing. And I know that, I know that it's going to ruin me and I'm going to be in such a funk when I get back. But I was like, I do think it would be a shame

not to enjoy it. I don't think you will be in a funk when you get back. I think you'll be, I mean, I'm hoping, but I think you'll be craving home. I know you will. You'll be craving Ellen. And you'll also come back and it'll be like summer in London,

which is glorious and you're not rushing off to fringe to do a new show. I think you'll get to like bask in the work well done for a bit. Yeah, I definitely, no, I do agree. I think it'll be lovely. But I'm, I guess I mean more like, there's no world where I won't be like, God damn, I wish I could do with more of that. Oh yeah, you're going to be a baby for a while. You're going to be like, someone pick me up and wipe my bottom.

Hi, guys, the sun's out. Ready for someone to do my feet. I'll just hold my hands out until I'm greened. Do you want to hear I got... Have you done acting before? Sorry, nobody told me about how much lip balm there is involved. Nope. See, Catherine, you're a weird set.

Okay, every single time somebody calls cut, three women try to put lip balm on me. Oh, you mean touch ups? No, like, just like, it's so lip balm heavy. I'm like, I might be a character thing. She's got a really wet mouth. I play muntas.

I play wet mouth girls. Wet mouth girls. I love wet mouth girls. It's so silly and funny. Can I tell you the locations that I'm going to be filming on? this summer. Yes, can't I do. Croydon and Slough.

That's been confirmed. But you've done a lot more acting than me. Five weeks, Croydon and Slough. I think one in 13 years, you know, I'm... Yeah, no, 100%. I'm super happy for you. But that's, yeah. It's different.

It's different. I actually can't believe my luck. It's crazy. One before that. Wookie Hole. What's Wookie Hole? It's a hole. It's a cave near, like.

Bristol way. What was that for? Wookie Hall. Am I being unreasonable? Oh yeah. But what about when you did Extraordinary? Where was that? London.

Dolston. Nice. I bought Dolston and Bo. That's nice. That's nice. I like Bo. It's beautiful. We're living.

We're living the dream. But yeah, I feel like it's very lucky. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that like, it's made me like, when I see like actors who have gotten old and become millionaires and their issues. is like trans people I'm like you should be put on an iceberg and sent it to see you absolute ungrateful to us like your life is easy you're like you know I mean the job I'm sure it can be hard but like give me a fucking break I don't want to hear like any actor be mean ever

is what I'm trying to say that's why it's so weird but I think it is because like the expectation is that everyone treats them like a god like people who have been in it for so long maybe some of them just like clicks differently no they're There are very, very, very long in the tooth actors who have, like, experience and credentials on this show and they're just nice. Actually, that's the other thing I think that maybe possibly being spoiled is that, like,

they're all Irish. So even what you'd expect to be the biggest ego in the room walks in and is like, oh God, don't mind me, don't even look at me. No, no, no, you stay there. I don't need a seat. I'll do makeup, will I? Ah, go on. Go on, go on, go on.

Everyone's just lovely. I think maybe that's why I'm happy too. I'm just sort of spending a lot of time with Irish people. It's a happy time. It's a happy time. I'm having a lovely time. I feel very spoiled. But also, I will say, having been back for the weekend, fuck me.

London's cool. Thank you. It's cool. Thank you. It's looking gorgeous in this spring weather. It is looking so good. Obviously, you can't tell that it's spring because we're both wearing like long sleeves because today it decided to get fucking freezing.

Yeah. I had to wear a fleece when I went to sleep last night. I had to get out of bed and put on a full, my groovy chick fleece. and got back into bed. No, I don't know what was happening. I woke up freezing in the middle of the night. I did put a blanket on, I suppose. I know.

Crazy. Just got really cold. Do you want to lastly, just before we check in with you, I would love some TV wrecks because the one thing I am doing is spending a lot of time alone, obviously. I know, but you just got my favorite streaming network, and I'm so happy to you. I did.

I got Disney Plus because I was, that'll tell you how alone I am. And I... I love Disney Plus so much. I watched Say Nothing. If you haven't watched it, watch it. watch it very big recommend I also watched

dying for sex dying for sex I started it yesterday because you could not stop talking about it if you want a full body weep every single episode it's incredible

it's oh my god wow that I really had a trauma response to that show but I still loved it and then secret lives of Mormon wives you've obviously both watched beautiful stuff

but what should I be watching next I think film wise tanning red I recommend it to everyone but I want a series oh a full series and you don't want something you've seen before.

Not like comfort TV. I don't really re-watch that much. Okay. Oh, what was this sitcom I watched recently? Like, fresh off the boat. Oh, cool. Okay. And it's set in like Florida.

Heaven. And it's so funny. It's lush. Florida's such a spooky place. Helen, I've been away. I've got Disney Plus. I'm very happy. What the hell's been going on with you?

I fall into pieces. What? It's been 10 days. You know. You know. I know. But I don't even know how to begin to tell the audience this. I fucked up.

Like, you left. You didn't do it. I had my sister stay with me for a weekend. Well, that was the first mistake. Disaster. Met Nathan for the first time. Terrified. Literally went up to his face, like this close and went,

put on silence of the lamps. Oh my God. And he was like shaking. Got the remote. I'm like it. I like it when he cuts the face off. Ha ha! And then sat there.

I'm not joking. Leaning forward, smiling, watching the whole thing. And then as soon as it finished, she went, let's watch Thambalina. It was such a genre change. And this whole time, right? I'm still, have I mentioned the podcast?

My tummy's been hurting. Yeah. Yeah. So the thing for a, for a background, Helen, to my mind, has been like more, has had more stomach issues than usual lately. To the point that. Unusual. As in like, then as usual. Then as usual.

Sorry, like, then is usual. Because Helen's always shitting, but now she's got something else. No, but also, like, I will say more than other adults I know, you, like, say things like, my tummy hurts in a way that, like, but also like, my sniffles are sniffling. Like you've always kind of got a sort of ailment. I've always something going on. But I don't know if that's just like also like, you know, you like to say out loud the many physical feelings you're having. I think it's important that people know.

Yeah. And I think that's good. I always know where the pain is affecting you in your body. So do you remember? But lately it's been a lot. And you've been like getting sick. Like throwing up. Yeah.

But remember like six, I was like six weeks ago. I think I said on the podcast like, Sunil Patel, I was feeling really, really ill and he went out and bought nine penguins. Yes. Like this is when I hadn't even moved yet. And I was like,

fucking how you. piece of shit. Like I'm in loads of pain here. Yeah. Eventually managed to get a doctor's appointment. They sent me straight to A&A, got a scan. Turns out I'm full of stones. Okay. That's not the goalstones, yeah? Goal stones, yeah. But like, like, just like a whole packet

of stone. My stones. I know you want to get to the jokes and I'm excited for them. That is not a joke. But given that our listeners I'm in pain. Well, no, what I was going to say is given our listeners do actually deeply care about you, which is so sweet. If they don't, if their first question is what's a goalstone, then what would you say? I haven't googled, I don't know.

Give over. You know what a goldstone is. It's a stone in your gallbladder. Great, that's a good start. If I don't know what that is, that's a really good start. What's your gallbladder? It's next to my liver. What's it due?

I don't know. Come on, I'm not, what's asking? What's what are you doing to me here? I just asked, no, me too, but I just thought you would know this. You're usually such a researcher. I'm not when it comes to what's inside my body, because they were like, we need to do surgery to take it out, but they were like, it could be any,

like we don't know when it's going to be. Take the stones or the gallbladder? The gallbladder. They want to take the whole thing out. Is it like your appendix? You don't really need it? I think so. And could I get you to Google that goal?

Yeah, no, don't Google it. Catherine, no, I don't want to know. You don't know the gallbladder does? I'm pretty sure that your gall bladder process is like bile and stuff. Yeah. Okay, fine. I don't want to, because it's going to be stuck in me for like a long time. Oh, yeah, yeah, no.

To be clear, I'm not looking for like horror stories. I'm more like, what is it? Is it an organ? What is it? I'm just like interested in. No, I don't want to know. Fine. mystery as long as you wanted to do.

We don't need to know what those stones do. Okay, so, but they've got, so it's made stones and it's not supposed to. I think, like, I've, it definitely isn't supposed to. Well, it maybe it is, maybe it is, but maybe mine are too big or something. But they were causing you pain, basically. This is why, I'd feel really ill, like, at least once a week

and, like, be doubled over in pain. And I was like, what is this thing? But you were, like, throwing up. It was crazy. Oh my God, I'd lose, like, every ounce of fluid in my body, and then be, like, like, writhing in pain. And then eventually I called one, one one, like the fourth, fifth time it happened. You let it happen five times, Helen?

Yeah, but it's... Why are women so used to pain? Because it... No, but I do think women are so used to a certain level of pain. They're just like, well, maybe that's like my fault. Yeah. It feels like food poisoning as well. Okay.

And then I was like, oh, it's probably just like, maybe I've just got food poisoning. And then me and my friend guessed it might be stressed. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to ourselves? We're... No, but you're, I completely understand. I know. I left it too long, though, because when I went in, they were like,

my liver's like not working properly and my pancreas like on all the tests then I had to go back to hospital like two days later and get it retested because my liver something. Even implicit is that somehow like it's not your fault it's not your fault that's like you didn't I know and I haven't turned yellow yet they were like if you turn yellow you have to come back in I was like okay also you weren't in your room being like I'll just wait till my liver stops functioning well you were like you didn't know what was going on no yeah okay I didn't know but now I know now I know if you get um an acute sharp pain in the upper right quadrant of your body that radiates into your back like upper right quadrant of your stomach kind of yeah upper right and then um and but not

everyone vomits i think i've got like a weird one but like i lose everything and then it's literally like i'm um my friend did have it years ago but i think everyone gets slightly different symptoms and i've got all the absolutely minginging ones like i don't nice it's good But to stay consistent brand-wise, I know. Imagine if you had dainty goldstones, it'd be like, how would you know, what's up with that? You know my friend when she had them? Do you know what her gallstones were?

They were like sand. Give me a break. They were like sand. Give me a break. And I didn't ask the ultrasound. Do you know what people prefer to sand? Crystals. That's exactly it.

Oh, which one am I buying? Some more sand or I'm buying the crystal. And I cannot wait for surgery because Eddie and Sunil said they're going to stand guard and get my stone for them. which is really nice. Because they're my stones. Like I find out I have stones and literally five hours later

they're like we're going to take them out and I'm like, don't. Like I haven't even got to know them yet. Like I haven't even know these are my babbies. Has it occurred to you that it might be easier to get to know them if they're outside your body. You can count them, have a look at them.

No, because I kind of like I'm sort of trying to enjoy feeling like a rock tumbler at the moment. Like I, um... Wait, would they actually let you keep them? No, apparently not. But it's always worth trying. Like every time I like move, I'm like,

I can just picture my stones like rolling around in my gallbladder. Wait, but okay so when you say you have to have surgery how soon do they? This is the thing. They said two to three months

and then I got my letter through for the clinic which I think is for the first appointment about getting the surgery and that's not until November so I guess I have to live with it until November. Does they give you any pain relief or anything?

They did but it's really tricky with me because I can't get pain relief in because of the vomiting. So I think I just have to live with it. There's patches. You can get patches. Are you still vomiting every day? No.

So you could make... Like once a week. It happened on Saturday, but that's because I triggered it. Because I ate half a lint bunny. You can't live like that till November. This is a thing. Surely you can tell someone

that you were told over two to three months. That's a long time to be in like this sort because it is really painful. Could you call someone and say, hey, I was told two to three months. This says November. I don't know. I feel like there's a number.

Yeah, I signed up on the app to like for like drop out appointments to be like, please let me know. So hard to be like, could you let me know if you have a cancellation for goals? Can I book a table for gold stone removal? What the hell? But you can also like they're like you can help manage it with diet. But the diet is like it's so frustrating. Like her patrons know I spent so much time like working on having a good relationship with food. And now the diet is like, you so have to bring rules in.

And I'm like, oh my God, no. And it's like low fat high fiber. So basically I think it's want me shitting all the time. So it's like, but then like low fat, I don't know anything about that. So it's like I have to like search everything before I do it. And like this is so much effort. It is really frustrating to have spent that much time. And I ate half a lint bunny.

To have spent that much time recovering your relationship with food to then be like like to have a very rigid, strict rule imposed that that feels very. close to dieting. It's not like, um, eat more or like it feels suddenly like quite restrictive. That is really intense. I found that, um, the Fodmap diet to find out what was going on with my stomach really like, I don't think I've like mentally recovered from it. Um, it like really messed with my brain in terms of like, here's a shit ton of rules and a shit ton of checking and a shit ton of restriction. And so just yeah, it's okay to be like, I think it's really good that you, I don't think I thought about it what it would do, whereas it's good,

I think, from the outset to be like, oh shit, this is not an ideal situation. But you're not doing it to lose weight. You're doing it to relieve pain. Yeah. Exactly. So like, but it's good to just, but it's just, it's just, it still means that you can't like listen to your body and what you want. Yeah. Like on Saturday, I wanted the lint bunny. Yeah. And I had it. Also, you had a half a lint bunny. That's like half a portion of lint bunny. That's the thing. That's the thing. I actually stopped. Like, I stopped eating it. Yeah.

I was like, let's have a look and see how that goes. Yeah. But I don't know how it works exactly because maybe it's like a buildup over like days and days and days. And then that's when your body can't process it or whether it was just the limp bunny. Because sometimes like when I was going through the diagnosis, like they were like, when does it happen? I'm like sometimes after food. Sometimes not after. Like it's random.

But it all, I think basically what it means my body can't process fat anymore without like going through this pain. and stuff. So I just need to like, hence why I'm like, skinny milk for the coffee, please. But that's so tedious because doesn't everything have flattened it? When I bought my last car, I felt totally overwhelmed. Is this the right price? Can I trust this listing? But this time around, I used car gurus. And honestly, it changed everything. With over four million listings, they've got more options than any other major online automotive marketplace in the US. That means more choice and less pressure. helped me were their unbiased deal ratings. Car gurus clearly tells you if it's a good deal or not,

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Cargooros. com. This is where it's tricky. Like, even like avocado, avocado's nuts, like stuff like that. Fruit and vegetables generally do. Literally. But obviously there's no satiety if you're not eating fat,

so it's really hard to like feel full and sassadiscate. You can have lots of carbs, lots of whole grain carbs. But like, I can't, like, have, like, cheese is out. No. Cheese is out. Like, cheddar cheese. I'm like, that's the only thing I've spent like. Shed our vegan listeners, you know we have them.

I've only spent, like, time Googling since being nice of gold. No, a second. Yeah, since being diagnosed with gallstones, all I've Googled is how I can get cheese into my dog. And specifically cheddar cheese. I really respect that. Like, I don't know what a liver level is. quite frankly, it's not my business.

No, that's not. Like, I don't need to know that. But, like, how can I muddle in cream cheese and cheddar cheese into my diet? Have you tried low-fat cream cheese? I don't want to talk about it. It's the one I buy, usually. I should stop that. It's disgusting.

Yeah, sorry. I haven't even, I can't, like, you know, when you're like, I genuinely thought I'd never be able to live without mayo, but I'm also not ready to buy low-fat mayo. So I'm just, like, I'm living in this, like, miserable middle area. It's full of like bullshit additives. So like, yeah. There's no point.

And also, look, it's happened just as I've moved opposite a fish and ship shop and a gelato place. Like, are you fucking joking me? Are you fucking joking me? I have a question. Is Nathan allowed to eat fat in the house? He doesn't give a shit.

Sunil doesn't give a shit. Sunil came to A&A. Sunil Patel owes you an apology, by the way. Agreed. Agreed. You know when I... The first few times it happened, I was still living with Sineal

and I'd be like rising in pain and he told people because I had to cancel a gig once and he told everyone oh Helen had to cancel a gig because she was full of farts he told people that and then it got around

the Helen Bauer was full of farts but then I was like actually it's gallstones and I might die and I use surgery What do you mean I might die? No I just like saying that to people because I might as well enjoy it

do you know what? Like it turns out I'm also allergic to plasters loving that Helen that is so bad I know at least you finally accepted that you're allergic. I am. So the doctor was like, are you allergic to flasters at Helen? was like, no, not really. It just get a little

bit itchy, but like not like a ledger. And then they were like, okay, then they put it on. She's like, I had a massive allergic reaction. She's like, it's fine. And I'm like, you're allergic to fucking plasters, you loon, just conceded already. Yeah, Francisville yesterday. It was like, just ask for a different plaster, you fucking wore. And I was like, I love my rash. Just admit. But I get so awkward with the NHS. I'm like,

thank you for having me. It's not a special guest spot. What the hell? Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me. I guess I'll meet Conan at the exit. When I had to get my liver levels checked again, and he was like, do you need any more pain relief?

And I was like, no, I'm good. And then I left like, ha, ha, ha. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why are we like this? I don't know. I told my therapist, and she was like, really telling that it took her five bouts of this extreme pain for you to make a phone appointment with the doctor.

Yeah. We're not doing this right now. No, but she is right. But I also think that that if you are, most women, I think that would be the same reaction, which is like, I do think there's like a level, I had a session with my PT yesterday, who I just started working with, and she was like, oh yeah, sidebar. A thing I'm noticing about female clients is that we can and do just sort of, you know, exercise through quite serious pain. So, dream scenario, don't. And I was like,

what's the level? She was like, Annie, just stop if you have pain. go ahead and say pain if you've got pain and then don't do that and I was like yeah fair play because we'll just be like I'll put an injury on this injury

before I'll be like and even then I think women are like my equivalent of the doctor is being like well you know when they ask you one out of 10 what the pain level is they just shouldn't do that with women or they should add seven they should add

if you're like I guess it's like a four And it's like, it's a 10. I'm always like, take blood and then you tell me. Like, test my urine and tell me what my pain level is. Because I don't know. I'm an unreliable narrator. Particularly when they ask you when you're in like A&E or, I think I was in Saku for most of the time.

And it's like people literally like dying around you. What is Saku's a surgical ambulatory care unit, I think. Cool. Kind of cool. Sounds dramatic. Were you loving it? Was part of you loving it? I, okay, there's a minute where you're like, oh my God, this feels so validating.

Like when I went to the doctors and I was like, just, you know, like, so I get this like really intense writhing pain, then I lose all the fluid in my body. It's happened like once a week for about six weeks now. She was like, okay, okay. Yeah, you're going to the hospital right now. And I was like, this feels great. Yeah. But at the same time, I still stopped at Greg's on the way to the hospital.

Because I knew it, I would, they were like report. to A&E and they're like we'll tell them you're coming but you know when you're like I know you're not going to like it just never happens that way so I was like I'm going to take lunch with me and then Sunil Patel and Heidi Regan came to bit I got okay I didn't know about the high fat I got a sausage roll and a tandoori chicken baguette the sausage roll was for snack And then that door you can forget was for A&E. And it's so hard to eat in A&E. Yeah, man.

I always forget. Those people don't think of it as a picnic spot. No. And you have to eat, right? Because I was there, I think, for like nine hours the first day from like, from arriving to getting first bloods done to like getting moved between units. Like it was, it's a full day, right? And you can't leave or go to the toilet. Your name might get called.

So, Sunil and Heidi came and brought me some dinner. stuff which thank God they told me it was likely gallstones by this point yeah and they were like oh just try and avoid any fatty foods for right now so i was like fine yeah so i had like yeah i still had a picnic in the a and a and it's so walk because people are like literally like vomiting and you're trying to have a tandoid chicken baguette and then then this one guy just came in it's like absolutely like you know someone who are like right you know there's old english people and i'm not trying to be like you know i'm already on your side Okay. Those old English people where you see them. You have been English. I'm on your side.

You see them, but you're like, has everyone else seen them? Like, can you see him? 100%. Is that a ghost? So, go ghost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I have that, like, I'd say once a month. I see an older English person who's so pale that I'm like, just checking. Are we all witnessing? And you can smell, right? So you're like, is like I can, like, they're there for me. Are they there for you? But I have to see like, like, I look on bus monitors to see if they're on the CC. Yes. Yes. But I was also raised by a mum who believed in ghosts, so I'm always going to be a bit more paranoid. No, there are some people where you're like, everything okay? Right? Yeah. Yeah.

And then he sits down. I don't. Am I going to hate him? He opens up this Tupperware. No. He doesn't feel awkward eating. And it's duck in like a thick lemon sauce with no rice. Wait for this.

And he's eating it with a wooden spoon. Like a large wooden spoon. He calls it Chinese duck. How do I know that? Because he tells everyone it's called Chinese duck and he got it from the Chinese takeaway. And I'm just like, dude, this is not the place for the... Why is he got a wooden spoon?

He's making our contact with all of us in the room. No one knows. No one knows. And there's me being like, I'm awkward with my chicken baguette. And I'm like, fine. A man's having duck. Duck in A&A. Wow.

Wow. And this was a full A&E, like every seat was taken. And his eyes were so haunting. That's horrific. Wow, that's truly hell. Yeah. But it was, I had the nicest doctor. That's like actually made me feel physically, sir?

Like, I feel nausea. You should have seen it. Like, the wooden spoon was too wide for his mouth. No, Helen, stop. That's enough, no, that's enough, no, that's enough. I hate that. The sauce. what we're missing

and he had like not a beard not a mustache but there was hair does that make sense I want to tell you that I'm amidst all of this we fucked

I gave him a blowy I wasn't gonna be a bitch about it so my mouth doesn't hurt just my stones I hate you I hate you I was trying to interject because I knew it was gonna get

more disgusting but also to be like sidebar we haven't really said like poor Helen and I just wanted to say poor Helen because that really fucking sucks but then you got so gross and weird

and now I've said sucks and it makes me think again of you giving that man of sort of like weird ducky blow job. If anyone knows how I can get a date for surgery I think it's like

I know it's... I don't think you should have... No, I actually, let me just cut you off right there. I love our listeners. No one message Helen about what she should do about her goldstone

or how she should move herself up on the list. Like, I think sorry, but I actually don't think you want people's feedback. You didn't want me to Google Goldbladder. I don't think you want people's feedback

on the goal. Oh, don't tell me what's happening in my body, but if you've got good recipes for gallbladder flare-ups. I'd take those. Okay, fair enough. For sure.

Fair enough. I made my own marinar a sauce the other day with no oil. Delicious. But it does tomato puree have oil in it? No. No, great. Okay, I should have done that

because it turned out brown instead of red. So we live in and we learn. Yeah. Also, on the plus side, I will get to discover lots of new recipes and I now officially know my dad and sister have no sympathy or empathy.

That's a shame. I called him up and they went, uh-huh. And now they're just listing foods that I can't eat. Oh, wow. And we're going to the zoo this weekend and I'm like, that's unkind. Oh, God, okay.

That's why that's tough. I'm sorry. I know. How does I get gallstones at the zoo? Yings. Okay. Well. But apart from that, I'm doing really well.

Yeah, you're driving? Apart from that, everything's going great. Done any more home rento stuff? I bought polystyrene ceiling rose. so now my flat looks like it's from the Regency period, but with polystyrene. Beautiful. And I seepically them onto the ceiling. Do they look nice?

With no more nails. Because there was like, the lights were so, like, they were like burnt into the ceiling. I like them. Do you paint them? Is that what happens? I'm supposed to, but I can't because of my stones. Why can't you? I don't know, I'm just using it as an excuse for different things at the moment.

When you say polystyrene, you mean like... A polystyrene. Okay. And they look like a daisy on the ceiling. But they'll be gorgeous when you've painted them. Yeah, well, if I, if I do. I've run out steam already. Have you?

I think that happens, doesn't it? It sort of waves. You kind of have to like really go with the momentum initially because, who are. Hey, that was like, that was a month, a month of full momentum. Oh, yeah. And I think that's completely fair. I will say my two bits of like news, maybe this is TMI are that,

or like if the only things that are going off of my brain, is that the only downsides to acting is it's definitely brought up lots of like oh my body stuff and I have been alone a lot of the time so I am definitely having a like my first sort of like well maybe I should get a therapist for that moment so I'm going to do that

and then secondly I can help you find the right therapist by the way I know the websites to do it on I do have the one thing is I'm quite good on the directory because I've got, remember I left mental hospital and they went straight to drama school in London and they really give you a lot of detail. They're like, you're going to want to find a doctor. You're going to want to find a doctor immediately. So here's the website. So I do know where to look. But the other thing that I have been going on is that we are very timidly sort of starting to look at buying a flat. Yeah, you are. And so I'm doing all the admin of like, you know, filling in all the forms, etc.

or with a mortgage advisor. And what it has made really, I wondered if this had happened for you. Go on. Which is like, because it's taken so long to save my deposit. Are you scared of losing at all? I feel so much more terrified than I expected to.

Like, almost like paralyzed with fear. Like, I actually am suddenly like, now that we're finally here, I've waited almost 10 years to get in the conversation. Like seven years of saving saving. Yeah, yeah. And like put myself in a position

where we can even be part of the conversation. And you're about to lose it all. And I feel like, I feel like, I feel like, a mark. Like, I feel like I'm just waiting to be conned out of my cash. And like everyone must be trying to trick me and we're probably going to get a dud and we will make a mistake. And it just feels like so scary to hand over this thing that you've been working for for so long.

And I feel suddenly like really, really, really scared. I'm going to tell you again what I said the other day. And I truly believe this. you can back out of anything until the last minute and you can back out after a survey's been done everyone you hire on your team you can hire them on a no buy no fee basis so you don't pay anyone unless it is something that you want at the end of it apart from the survey and you make your peace with that because by the time you've had an offer accepted you're so excited about that property you're just like survey it up I don't care if there's one moldy room I'll fix out

myself. I love it. I'm meant to be there. Like yeah. It's such a surprising feeling. Feels weird to like be like yeah. It's such a surprising feeling because I, I wanted it for so long, like so long and saved for so long. And now I'm suddenly like, ah, it's normal. Also, I think there's a second thing happening, which I really don't want to like complain about because I feel very lucky to have to be even in the conversation. Though I do feel like I've put myself in the conversation by a lot of hard work but it's been ages coming but what I think what that is so sort of like

rub I suppose as buying in London is that you also kind of think that when you have saved for 10 years you'll be able to like I don't know and you're spending like more money than you can mentally conceive of I guess you kind of think like

I'll put in my numbers and I'll Google and then up will come nice places you're like oh Oh, that doesn't buy you that much in London, huh? I mean, you've got a great, I think you'll find somewhere nice. I hope so, but I guess, you know, you're like,

let's be seeing one we can get. And it's like, oh, it's, I guess it's a two-bed flat that would need, yeah, I guess considerable work. Welcome. You're like, oh, yeah, I guess I don't need to live near a shop or a train. Well, you can live near a shop if you go out from the train. Like that's the choice

Me, no train Shoppy, lush It's just such a funny Like, it's such a funny sort of I got buses You want bus? Because the London housing market is built for

Millionaire investors and not people who live in London, we know this But it's just quite a funny thing To be like, oh Well, I guess that's going to take me 40 years to pay for Yeah, I guess, yeah

You get to put colours on the wall Like a dollhouse That's so funny I won't get to put any colours on the wall Ellen will be entirely in charge the colors on the wall. Even better. I do agree. I actually can't wait to have my home designed by somebody else because

and I've really come to... Or don't design it, just go with vibes. She will be going with intense... She does those things on the laptops where she gets like the house, the floor plan and then she makes all the furniture in little... She like, she does like... She makes it so you can move everything around.

Yes, I've seen those people. And then she like, it's so mad. And then she does like alternates based on like... And you're like what? What? And But, and then she's like, babe, look at this. And I'm like, I don't know what that means. Like, that just looks like squares to me. And she's like, can you imagine if we moved?

And I'm like, oh, I didn't play. I didn't play. I didn't have an Xbox or whatever, a PC really, until I was like, I, anyway, just didn't do it. But I was, but yeah. So, I guess I'm trying to, like, be brave, but not be like, but like, this is what I realize is I'm having the exact same fear I have as, like, planning a holiday. I don't plan holidays.

Ellen does that because I always think we're being conned. Yeah. We'll get there. and this hotel will be a field or a car park. It won't exist. And it's that but amplified by a thousand. I can't speak about everyone,

but I did find it very terrifying. It's so scary. And I, yeah. But I know France is very frightened as well. I found it very frightening. Yeah, I think I need to talk to more people who have like done it like you have like, you know, on your own steam

and without like anybody being like, well darling there's a house on our road you could always buy you know who the fuck's that it's mommy who's giving it the deposit and indeed the entire house cost but you know it's like yeah it just seems suddenly overwhelming anyway it's the day that you get in where you're like oh my god this building's about to blow up are you joking it's like yeah I was like the whole thing's going to blow up

and then that's it's gonna like I'm just going to be out but you have building insurance the I get building insurance with the building because it's inside of a block yeah yeah so then so even if it blows up it doesn't matter i was just like it's gonna blow up it's gonna blow up something hasn't gone through properly like it's all gonna be like absolutely bananas yeah yeah it's so well but it's also sorry i know how lucky we are to even be in the conversation it's also so much fun yeah i can't wait it's just it's just so weird reconciling like i guess the like childhood i was brought i don't know i know if you told 21-year-old Catherine that she bought, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you sure you're

wincing and holding your side? I stretch it out. Are you okay? I am. It's just sore. Oh, babe, I'm sorry. But it's okay. It's because I had that half-lint bunny. I did it to myself. On Saturday. I'll take a painkiller. It's Monday. I know. Because it's like, yeah, it's bad, huh? You poor thing. And you were like, gone very quiet. Oh, was a bad sign. You were like, shoving your fist into your side not a great sign and then you were sort of like holding your jaw and wincing and I was like

oh my god you know it's so funny that I'm scared to spend money on a property but I will spend money on facials on Tuesday I had one guess what kind it's called a buckel I don't know how to say that word massage and they

Emma's off camera going ah they a woman puts gloves on always very terrifying and she... Oh, is it like a poor extraction? No, they go inside your mouth and they massage this muscle in your face

and they massage your entire masseter muscle on your jaw and when she was done I could move my mouth and face in a way that I realised I haven't been able to do in years. What do you mean? I mean, like she just massages

all the tension out of your muscles like she stretches your mouth and stretches your jaw and stretches out the muscle and gives it a like such a deep massage that I was like I'm loosey goosey baby I can like nothing even clicks when I open my mind at the moment wow wow you've you've had a lot happen this week yes I really packed it in I went to see a property which as you know as you can see caused an existential crisis but it was also

shit and also I think that's a great lesson in learning that like estate agents lie pictures lie oh god they're so funny I was talking to this guy and I just like you know when you're you ask a completely basic question about a property that he's trying to sell you for all your money and he obviously doesn't know so just say bradley say you don't know but instead he's like darting eyes making up shit in front of you and i'm like i can tell that's a lie what do you just check what do you just check uh anyway i'm excited about this process what a magical time it is though it truly is what a magical time can't wait um no it's gonna be good wow why is life so hard Life's lovely.

Not for me. Easy. Not for me. I'm going to the zoo this weekend. I'm a rock tumbler. I'm so ready to go to Slough and Croydon and then the Edinburgh Fringe and then tour, hopefully do an operation at the end of it. And yeah, just thrive this year. Yeah, it's so funny that I started this episode by being like, I have zero complaints and then two minutes later was like, why is May life so hard and you are literally waiting on an operation?

On a possible organ that we don't know the function of. Oh, we don't need to know. Is it, it's a bladder? Is it bladder an organ? I mean, it's not, it's not a bladder. It's called a gall bladder. It's a bladder, but it's not your bladder. No.

It can't be that important if they're whipping in air. Francis doesn't have one. Oh, fine. Yeah. And they're good? Yeah. Yeah. They seem fine?

Yeah. Yeah, great. Does their bile go? I don't know. Oh, no, I do know this. Your bile just be constantly dripping. Okay. Like, there'll be nowhere to store bile or something.

I'm constantly dripping aware. I think into my intestines maybe. Maybe. I don't know anything about science. But I also don't want to. If I think too much about how much is happening inside of there, my brain goes funny. Like I can't, like, it's the same thing I have when I think about space.

And then I think, like, I have this as underwater. And I go, yeah, going down and down and down. Like my brain just like cuts off after a certain point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if I start thinking about like my lungs opening, and closing and my heart beating and like all of that. I'm like, why have you said any of that? Right? I'm actually

sweating. Yeah. Well, from the fucking girl I wanted to Google what a gallbladder. Well, it was just like, if we're going to tell the listener that you have a gold bladder issue, I think, I thought we should have to explain what a gallbladder was. No. As far as I'm concerned, food go in, food come out. That's the whole body. You like those, um, that's the whole body.

What are those dolls that we used to get where you feed the cherry and it would just come out, my little baby or my, um, what were they called? I remember the cherry, but it did it come out as ass? Baby born. Baby born. You're like a babyborn. I loved my baby born so much. I loved her so much. But yeah, you'd put water in and water just come out immediately. Oh God, I loved my baby born. Come on. Aw. The only doll my mother... Send in baby borns, guys. Actually, I'd love a baby born. I think that'd be totally normal as a

37-year-old woman to be on the tube being like, too-to-do. The only doll my mother ever confiscated was carrying at me my sweetest, oldest best friend. Karen? Was it Karen? I think, oh, maybe it wasn't Karen. Somebody gave me a pregnancy Barbie. Did you have pregnancy Barbie? Shut the, no.

Okay, pregnancy Barbie comes with the belly. She has his belly. You open the belly. Outcome the twin babies. You can do that yourself, like you can perform the surgery. But the part my mom found so objectionable, and the reason it disappeared, I think she just had two children on the bounce and was like, you would then just keep spinning, like pushing in

Barbie's tummy and it would come around and would like move around and be replaced with abs like with that like a flat stomach as God intended and my mother was like fuck this fuck this that doll I genuinely opened it and it was gone

I think there were like 20 minutes where it was visible to me and then it was out the house she was like app stuff like like I'm talking like early 90s and she had bought it. She drank the Kool-Aid, but even with that, with that, she was like, fuck this.

That is insane. Fuck this. Yeah. I would have wanted that if I'd seen it. Oh yeah. I was obviously like, this is amazing. Like I have, I wanted the, um, doodle puppy dog bear thing. Is that the one that like goes along on its feet?

No, I would have loved that. I wanted the one that was like, you could draw on it and then you put it in the wash and it comes out and it's got no color on it. And then you could like draw on it again. Whoa. Did that work? A girl I knew had one. And yeah, it worked.

I had the little... A girl I knew had one. I had a little... The dog on the, like, lead that would just go... Okay, I wanted that. I remember seeing it in Hamleys. It's the coolest thing. It was amazing.

It was amazing. It's truly the gift that you give a child who just wants a pet, but you're like, it's never going to happen for you. That'll work for you for now. Yeah, well, when you get your own house... Enjoy. In 40 years. And now you're going to get your own house and you can get any dog you want.

And there'll be no pets allowed. Because I'll be like, not in one of my two precious rooms. Hey, you might get three rooms. This is Mama's hut. I might. Yeah, I guess there has to be a toilet. For sure. It's not the bath, comedian green room.

You can get a five bed, I reckon. You move out, you move out, you move out of town, you move out of town. You've got a five bed. If you live out of town and then out of the county and then sort of like towards the very middle of the country. Lincolnshire. It's so annoying, though, isn't it? You're laughing in Lincoln. I actually would.

Not in Lincoln, in Lincolnshire. I would be laughing in Lincolnshire. I think you'd be lonely. You might be a bit lonely. I'd be lonely, yeah. No offense to anyone in Lincolnshire. Yeah, no, no, no, no. What a county.

But I guess they... How flat? So many potatoes. But I guess, oh, I like potatoes. And to be fair, I guess they already know people there. Yeah. My issues, I'd be lonely. You'd make friends on Lincolnshire.

But my God, I'd have a big house. You'd have, yeah. My good. Big house would no one to visit. My dream. As soon as I said it. Ah, that's a wait a second. You just spoke around like Alan Partridge, my bastard bachelor part.

It's actually my dream. The other day, yesterday we were talking about, um, on Patriot Sunday, we were talking about like the, like, sort of like dream of how, somebody was saying like, oh, it would be such a dream if my friend moved in across the road because it would be so nice. I'd be able to knock in. Yeah. I was like, that is my hell.

The idea of people like, can you imagine, can you imagine, can you imagine why it's like the 90s and people are ringing your door. without warning you. Yeah. I'm still trying to manipulate Snell Patel to move into the same bin. It is hell to me. I walked to Francis yesterday

and I was like, that's nice. No, but walking, yes. I used to live three roads over from Georgie. Oh, perfect. Glorious. But I don't want to like

open my front door and see people I know. Oh. I don't want to be going to the bin and then have to be like, hey. I'd rather that, I got locked in the bins

by a neighbor. Sorry what? Like, I'd rather be somewhere I know. Rewind, start there. Me, Senil Patel and Francis got locked in my bins the first time we went there

by a neighbour. Like you take the bin outside to put it in. You take your rubbish out of the bin bag. You go downstairs, you go downstairs. You go downstairs to like a communal garden area where they have like a bin hut

and then you open it because otherwise the foxes can get in so you open it. You're saying the bins have a bigger house than I will. No, no, no, no, no, no, you'll be fine. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. That didn't feel convincing, go on.

And then you chuck your bin in, but there was a neighbour there. And I was like, well, I meant a neighbour, I was like, hello! And when they left the bin hut, they bolted us in behind them. It's awful. And then Saneo was like, did your neighbour just lock us in the bin hut? Just because you said, hello! I said it was force, it's force of habit, it's force of habit. That's why he did it.

It's not because he doesn't like me. And then I had to like, I had to force open another door, like around the bolt. I had to like go back and forth until it. loosened to get out because they had a buster catch. It was awful. Oh, that guy doesn't like you. I don't think so. That's crazy. Yeah, you don't lock someone in a bin hut, do you? No, that's absolutely wild, baby. Actually, I'll say it unkind. Speaking of, have you met any of your neighbors and made a bond? Yes. The people who live opposite me, like, across the, like, we can see each other's doors from our door. And they came out at the simple my ward and I was like, oh my God, it's so nice to

me my name's Helen and they own it as well and they're a lovely young professional couple sorry that's such a thing and that was such a that's like such a funny homeowner things that they also own thank goodness no renters they own as well I think they asked me and I was like oh okay you're just trying to figure out like am I here like yeah am I here like do you have to get to know me on oh my god that's such a good point to be fair it's like are we doing this every six months to 12 months or are you in and I wrote down their names on my phone so I wouldn't forget. Okay, that's so funny that you did that because that is, that's what something intuitively I did on the first day of set and I'm so glad I realized because

you know when you get in a car and you're like, oh God, there's already too many names. I'm never going to remember them. So I made a list and actually it made me be like that's the way to go as I go into my mature middle age. Just so when you're arriving somewhere or like you can just sort of like remind yourself. Yeah. But yeah, they seem very nice. That's nice. I think I come on so strong. So like I think people do sometimes like shy away. But it's only because I'm just so enthusiastic. It takes people a couple of meetings. Also, I'd rather be like, my neighbour is like, hey, rather than like, I'd be like,

oh God, you're going to kill me in my sleep. Right. I'd be like, okay, she wants to be friends. And like, but there's fine. Like, that's nicer than like, I don't know. Enthusiasm makes me think like, I could give you a spare key or you would keep an eye on my plants if I was going away for a few months. But like, I don't know, the ones who are like, ah, as in me, I would give me more pause.

you get locked out you can come wait in my flat and have a cup of tea i would not want to mean like i would not want that no as a neighbor i would find that absolutely unbearable because there's coffee shops nearby but i would definitely like i like three a m i'd let you in the building you could wait outside your flat yeah okay yeah is that irish hospitality obviously it was you and me i would like famous irish hospitality no i'd let you in my flat sit in the corridor you're fucking free i'd let you my father, but I wouldn't let like the new neighbor in my flat of three. When you buy flatty, can I come over first day? No.

I knew it. No. Obviously not. No. I don't even know if I'll be allowed in first day. I think for the first three months Ellen will be commuting with the walls or whatever she says. I think you'll get in faster than me. Won't she?

M has seen her at work. She likes to be with her walls. She says things like that. I'm getting to know the walls. You're like, okay. So I don't think I'll be allowed in, to be honest with you. That's exciting. Hey guys, as you can tell, I've been a,

away and Helen's had a huge medical drama so we've perhaps I don't know if you've picked up on this talked too much which means we have to do a problem in the extras. Yay! Join us there. Please. Oh I also need to tell you what happened with that hinge guy. Oh come on. Sign up to the Patreon you want to hear it. Let's go. Okay. What are our takeaways from this episode? What are the takeaways from the what have I learned this episode? Yeah. What have I learned this episode? I've learned that sometimes your dreams can come true and they just are nice. Oh, that's not. Oh, I've learned to be confident eating a chicken tandoori baguette in A&E if you're hungry. In any fucking context, because it turns out there will always be a man with a wooden spoon and a lemon duck.

You're dead right, actually, Helen. And maybe no one else can see him, but you saw him and that's it. Have a nice week, you guys. Have a good life. Oh, God, you're not going to die. Obviously, this podcast could not exist, could not thrive without our amazing executive. producers and producers, Catherine's not here, I'm going to hit all these names, and you know what? I'm going to do a pronunciation. Perfecto. Oh, kind of amazing. Okay, thank you so much

for our executive producers. It's Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Stephanie Kachia, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Angela S, Sadie Cashmore, Sarah Deakin, Amanda McCall. I'm obsessed with how many of these names we've known for like six years at this point. That's crazy. And thank you also, obviously, to our producers. It's L. It's Richard Bold. It's Harold Van Dyke. It's Tim and Dom. It's David Walker. It's Rachel R. It's Claire Owen Jones. It's Sarah Molley. It's Ria think. Cordelia. Rachel Page. Helen A. Tina O'Reardon. Abby Warth. Matt Sims. Luke. Mackie Smith, Matt Simpson, Antony, Clough. Becky Fox. Dean, Michael. Sophie Chivers. Shout out, Sophie Chivers. You're a G-C. Message you last night. Carrie Soothe. Charlie A. K.C. Jam Rayneberg. Tamsin Smith Harding. Ezra Peregrin. Laura Pollock. Yeah, Overend, Stephen Chicken, Haley Singer, Dougie Robertson, Charlie Weems. That was incredible. You absolutely nailed that.

Although I must stress that bra sizing is not part of the producer package. It's not part of the producer perks and that was a special thing. Yes. Thank you so much. Bye.