Trusty Hogs - Ep19. BOBBY MAIR / Fatherhood, Fighting & Flat Hunting with Bobby Mair

Episode Date: February 10, 2022

Bobby Mair joins us for this -almost- Valentine's Day special to tell us about life as a new father, romance, and Helen's questionable housing situation...Bobby Mair is a Canadian comedian as seen on Russel Howard's Good News, Killer Camp, Nevermind the Buzzcocks, 8 Out of 10 Cats, and his own podcast with Red Richardson - The Year Is. See Bobby on tour: http://www.bobbymair.net/Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa DunkeldWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to episode 19 of Trusty Hogg. The worst episode of Trusty Hoggs that will ever be. What? You can't start. You can't say that from the beginning. We're both due on. We are both due on. We're not in the right mood for this. I can only think about snacks. Like, honest to God, all I want to do is eat all the time.

And when I'm not eating, I'm just watching videos with people eating or cooking. And I had a full chicken laxca for breakfast. So I'm going to completely, I've lost my mind. Do you know when you just sort of wake up and you're having, I'm having a main meal for breakfast? Yeah, I mean, fair do. It's all gone wrong. Out of the bottle that I ate it from the night before because I was like, well, it's got the same food in it, just dry.

That's horrible. So then just like refilled it and put it in the microwave. That's really good. I'm in a bad place. No, you know what? We need to do an intro properly. Okay. So let's do it.

Welcome to episode 19. Possibly the worst ever episode. Also, this is the podcast where we try to help our listeners with their problems. We usually make it worse. And we try not to make you feel bad with our. perfect line. Because everything we're crashing it and today

we've got an amazing guest Bobby Mayor will be joining us. I'm so excited he's a new dad I cannot wait to hear Bobby Mayer took with it. And then we're going to do one of your problems

and then for our patrons we've got a great catch up what of your problems we do your problems for the first section of it. It's like deal with Catherine's a little problem so I'm telling you this is it

women should not podcast this close for bleeding from their cunts. It's true. Welcome to Trustee Hall. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs Yeah, you're gonna give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not Welcome to trusty oh my god you really I don't it's so annoying because I have the coil right so I should I don't even really bleed

but I still get the same hormone hormonal trajectory oh my god and so it's like there's not even that like visceral relief of like here she bleeds

it's like totally you know what I mean it's like you know when you almost come but don't come that thing I'm like yeah I sleep with men

yeah okay oh bless you it was a lot of like quickly quietly whanking myself off on a toilet afterwards A lot of, like, I guess I'll be, I'll wank myself off, but I'll make out I'm just cleaning your cum out of my belly button,

which really sunk in. Oh my God, sometimes I think I'm... That's the main thing, actually, I'd like to say for this episode. It's Valentine's Day, for all the straight lasses out there and gay men, get your cotton buds in now. You're going to need them. Wow. Because you don't want to find cum a week later.

Sometimes like... It dries. It dries. Helen, why wouldn't you have showered and washed out your belly button in a week? Because the belt, right, the way my body is, when the water is falling, it goes over my tits and it doesn't go in my belly button. I have a shelf.

You have to scrub. I scrub enough. Or move the water around. I scrub enough. It's just that we all have that moment when you're like, oh, have I got like eczema or dry skin but it's just come.

We don't. They do. We don't. Treat me. I am not being left. You know what? This is why I don't want to be here today. Okay, everybody breathe.

Okay, here's what we're going to do, right? We're going to bleed. After this, I'm going to take you to the shop and buy you some lavender oil to clean out your just skull. Own some. Oh, good. Then pop that on a cotton

but with some water and wipe out that cummy belly button, you disgusting little prick. How gross. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a disgusting mess. You are.

I'm like I'm the worst person that's ever existed. My God, I can't deal with this. You're fake crying. I know. I'm really trying to squeeze out of a tear. I'm the eldest sibling. That won't fucking work on me.

I'm like, I don't care. Go tell mom. Go. Oh, bullshit. I wrote it all down. In my journal, I have proof. And I've been playing Pokemon Go. obsessively and I'm still not a level 45

because it's fucking madness that you've got to get 13 million XP that's experience points to you and me. Hold on a second. Are you telling me that you haven't finished Pokemon Go? Not even fucking close to be honest. What? Didn't you start it in lockdown? Yes. That's crazy. No, Gene 26th, 2020. Wow, and you're still, wow, God, you have a lot of work

to do. So, Helen, Mm-hmm. Dare I ask? How's your week been? Are you excited for Valentine? And I love Valentine's Day. That's what's so sad about this. Oh, you? Do you really?

Yeah, are you kidding? A day where you celebrate love and there's chocolate everywhere? Oh, I love that. I mean, as the perpetually single person, I feel like I shouldn't enjoy it. But it is fun. No, it's great. Right. Yeah, I'm glad you like it.

And you can always do like, so as a famously single comedian, I get so many gig offers for anti-valentines. That's so funny. That I literally, it's one of my best booking days of the year. that and international women's day. Oh, my God, that's so funny. Mine is LGBT history months and Paddy's Day. Oh, that's a bit. Oh, Helen's unlucky in love.

She's going to hate it. But then I go and I go, isn't this nice guys? Oh, my God. And everyone's like, what's the happening? If we don't like it, does she not know? That's crazy. That's so fun. Also, I love kicking on Valentine's Day because, honestly, the people who are out are doing

one of two things, either trying to revive a relationship. So we'll laugh extra just to make it seem like they're definitely having a good time and they wanted this. or they're on first dates and they're trying to pretend they're like have a great sense of humor and are just like a fun gal and so they also overcompensate by laughing.

So you think you're the best comedian in the world on Valentine's Day? I love it. It's just guys panic buying stuff as well. Like I love the 13th of February which is just coming up when you see like men just randomly panic picking up teddies with hearts

being like, I guess this will do. And it is like stand outside of like a Clinton's cards or a hallmark, like whatever. They're there and they're just like having panics and it's just so great. My partner works in a chocolate shop. Honest to God, the amount of men already in there trying to get discounted, reduced, like almost at a sale by day chocolate in panic, is hilarious.

Like, so unwilling to spend money, but so desperate to find something. Astonishing. It is a fun holiday. Have you ever been in a flower shop when a man comes into something romantic? I've never been in a flower shop. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. You'll be in there buying a bouquet for your mom or your girlfriend's mom or your girlfriend or somebody that you like

or a friend and in walks a man and he's like um uh do you have any and he'll always say like best case scenario the best thing he's going to say is tulips oh big spender and then you'll be like a tulips cheap i wouldn't know they're like they're like yeah they're cheap and then they're not it's not like the rose is the expensive one no but it's not like they're picking a trash flower but you're like okay we're going to get tulips you're going to need to get more than four and then the woman's like yeah cool they're like a pound each or a pound 50 each and he's like cool well, I have a fiver? And then the florist is like,

you can just have five because a fucking poor woman. And then he walks it and she's like, shall I put some foliage right and wrap it up? He thinks this is going to cost more money. It doesn't. So he's like, no, it's fine. And he's like,

close them from her. Like he's picked them from the street. Yeah, like nude flowers to some poor woman who then has to be like, thanks. Should we offer this next year, like a trusty hog service? I think we should. For like straight guys who need help

with presents. Yeah. And you could set yourself up in a flower shop. I'll set myself up in like M&M world or something like that. Perfect. Perfect. Like are each areas of expertise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it.

I love them. And then we can just sort of assist and help them to do the perfect gifts. Honestly, it's so tedious. Actually, you still have a few days, guys. So can I just say like, just teddy bears are not the one. No, I know exactly what to get. I found this recently online. Go on Amazon because they pay their taxes.

No, they're the worst. But you can buy, do you remember those gooey aliens that you'd put back to back at school? No, Helen. Or, like, inevitably the one freak, like, April, honestly, would be like, oh, yeah, if we kind of open, there's a baby inside it, and we'd be like, yes, Cesarean, Cesarean, Cesarian, and you were like 10 years old, you can get a whole box of them now for 20 quid. You're supposed to not, like, give them out individually, but you can, no one's going to check. That is not a good advice. And I can tell you now, they're going to love it. They're absolutely not.

They're going to bloody love it. Stay away from toys. And frankly, if you're a straight man, don't buy underwear. you don't know what you're doing. You're wrong. And you think you do, but you're wrong. Stop it. Is it sad that a man has never bought me underwear?

My mum gave me like a rigby and behella voucher. Oh my God. Because she was like, get a bra that fits. And it goes out of date in a month and I still have been used to it. Helen, you must. I'll go with you. That's where the queen shop. But I genuinely, I'm telling you now, my tits change shape.

That's fine, but get them for the day that you're in there. And at least when you circle back to that size, you have something you can wear. Please, please. That's a gorgeous gift that you should spend. You're going to come with me? I will come with you. Genuinely? Happily.

I've always wanted to go there. Have you never been? No, it's too expensive. I'd love to go. I've got a voucher. Oh my God, let's go. Let's go. You're going to be so disappointed when we get to the tail and we're like, one voucher.

But also, I want you to pretend that a partner bought me the voucher. I don't want to be like, my mom got me here. I'll be your partner. No. Why? I think. Wow. No.

Wow. No. I'm sorry. Who's believing that? People would find that applause. You would. Look at me, in general, with disgust. That I think three years into a relationship with you,

most people would do that. Andrew, I'm crying again. I'm joking fine. Andrew and I'm, it's not like, you know what I'll do is I'll stand outside and be like, the main thing is that your really, really tall boyfriend can see them. You know, you want to lift him up to where he's there. Very good.

No, let's turn him in a relationship, but I want us to pick character names and everything. Fine. Because I'll be paying with a voucher so they'll never see my name. What's your lesbian name? I'm going to be a Welsh woman called Phyllis. I love that. I'm much older lesbian than I...

She is sheep, so I get a lot of time off, but Spring's busy. Springs busy for lambing season. Okay, well, we have to get the... A character I have taken on many times before. I believe you. No wonder we have to get your bra soon. Springs are coming. You need some back support.

Let's go. I genuinely would love to come. Oh, Shemai, I'm looking for a bra that would be really good for holding down a ram. My name's Phyllis. This is my girlfriend. We're playing, we're playing, we're playing. I know, I just feel like your girlfriend would be nervous. This is, oh, okay, so in character.

And scared. And mute. Oh my God, you could be a mute, a mute girlfriend. That's great for me, I feel, because I'm a talker more than a listener. Perfect. Do you want to fuck? I mean, I'd physically harm you, but. I don't think I'm as much of a.

Also, we're both so emotionally fragile right now if we fucked. We'd both be bleeding and crying on each other as I use my use of my blood to draw a heart on your tummy for Valentine's Day. Agreed, but two and a half weeks from now, I think I could fucking take you. Yeah, I have a lot of upper body strength. You don't know. Right. How are you picturing this fight? Because I'm going straight into porn, imagining us oiled up in a paddling pool.

I don't want any oil involved unless I'm giving you a massage. I genuinely find it. Actually, maybe I should do because you're a little intense. I find it hard to fight without oil being involved. Personally, that's just been a thing for me since I was young. We start with a massage, we try to calm you down and then presumably you'll get annoyed about the quiet and then we fight. Great. But where do you want to do the fight?

Are we not in the bedroom? You would always assume bedroom. That says a lot. No, I didn't assume it. Just with you, I feel like it shouldn't. I was thinking like Hamleys. I thought it shouldn't be publicly. We're really misunderstanding each other here.

Yeah, because I don't think it should be in front of children. The cuddly, tall, crazy. at Humley's the first floor, you know? I just said toys don't do it for me. I'll get on the big giraffe and be loving my beanie babies at you. I just said I don't think teddy's are romantic. What is wrong with you? Okay.

Lush? Oh, I could go lush. We'd smell so good at the end of that fight. We'd sound insane, right? Yeah, also I like their massage bars. Yes. I could get into that. You could do damage to me with those massage bars as well.

I really could. What do you? I have so many questions. I'd go bath bomb in the eye and then let it fizz until the whites of your eye turned a different color. Okay. So you're not trying to turn me on with the fight. Wait, what's happening?

I thought we were physically trying to end each other. I thought we were talking about fucking. Funny. Interesting. But fucking is trying to physically end each other, isn't it? Have I been doing this from? Why am I single? Are they all dead?

Ideally, they get broken by the end of it, so they cry and we have an intimate shared moment because I love crying men. Cool, but then they don't ever want to do that. They don't ever want to do that again. That's crazy. Because I like them weak. I don't like them drained of calm. I want to milk them to like nothing.

I don't love crying in the bedroom. It happens a lot. It happened a lot early on in my sex life because I had sex with a lot of women who hadn't maybe come out or had sex with the woman before. So you'd fuck them and then they'd be like, I don't know if my dad's gonna be okay with this

or like, oh, it always made me so stressed because it was like, oh, I thought there were just having some sex I didn't know them were having a therapy session. Yeah, it's so good you put on Enya and really encourage her. I just sang it myself but I didn't enjoy come on

every Irish girl does but that's for all orgasms I just sound I just seasoned for me and so yeah but here's my question believe it or not my question was

and yes I will go shopping with you thank you my question is what is your plan for Valentine's Day aside from inevitably making money

at a gig this is the thing I'm moving this week when this goes out I will have moved that's so cool I'm so glad you found fat so fast

so fast so we did really well. So fast. We went on like some crazy mat viewing. Okay. I'm going to tell you now

what's actually happened but I don't want you to yell at me. Oh God. I do have some things I want to talk about. Okay. I haven't seen the flat. Excuse me what?

You had a feeling this is going to be a problem. Excuse me what? I haven't seen it and we put it on a holding deposit which we thought was a scam but we don't think it is now. But honestly I'm fine with it

because I trust the woman because her name's Helen too. Oh no, no, no. No, her name's Helen too. And then my email being like, Loll, Helen and she went, ha ha! So it's good.

I don't think it's good. Helen, is there an estate agent involved? No, private. Okay. Private, but Sunil, Google, the landlord. He's a scientist. I thought he was a woman called Helen. No, Helen's like helping out.

We're a bit confused because we sent Helen the money. Excuse me what? Who is she? A woman from email, an internet woman from email. Is your deposit gone into a third party holding? Sunil did it. Please tell me it is. me it's got into the government.

So Neil did it and then I changed my address at my bank. Helen. Already. Will you please tell me that you've got a chance to see the flat before you move there? Sir Neil saw it. No, I'm asking,

will you get a chance to see the flat before you did there? I'm going to go there at 9.30, sign the contract and then a lovely woman is coming with a van and two men at 1045. Are you sure? I knew you were going to be a bitch about this.

It's my life. I don't think I'm being a bitch about it. I'm just concerned that you're... I've seen a video that Sunil took when he was there with a very nervous woman holding keys in the background Was she nervous because it was a con

or because she didn't actually wasn't legally allowed on the property? I don't know. Because she's not the landlord? We don't know. This is really upsetting to me. Yeah. It's got a lovely little patio space

at the back though. Is your... I'm going to get a picnic table. Is your deposit in the tenancy deposit scheme? It has to be legally. It has to be. Check that out, please.

Helen, look at me. Check that out. And I thought today I was going to just be telling you that you had to make sure that you actually set up council tax this time but actually i'm like you have to make sure that you aren't being scammed who the fuck is helen she's my friend now i don't please reassure me i've done the joking bit but please tell me what who is she she is a woman

called helen who is helping what we think is the landlord with letting his property i don't really not i haven't really asked that many questions i can really tell I can really tell. Wow. I'm so excited, though. Great. Yeah. I hope that that happens.

And also, it's one of those flats that I reckon if I put one oil burner on, the whole flat will smell like vanilla, which I think is nice. Isn't that it's tiny? Also, Sunil got the... Is that mean it's tiny? Yeah, it's tiny. It's tiny. It's tiny.

But Sunil found we got a contract through, and like, he skimmed it. I haven't skimed it yet. But he skimmed it, and it literally has a clause for no singing. So I think he's actually. edited it he was like you can't sing in it because the person

is upstairs is a writer I'm like this is a deal breaker like I can't not sing but also implied in that is that general loud noise

will be bad do they understand who they're getting I don't know I've got a dance mat coming with me they're fucked I don't know what their planet

is worse for the people downstairs there's no weird downstairs yeah that's what I'm saying it would be worse if you had neighbours exactly so it's fine and maybe someone is

downstairs who knows we didn't check oh god I hope Maybe that you're a basement. I hope there's not. Yeah. Really hope there's not. Wow, so many questions, so many worries.

And then I'll be selling Valentine's Day for me. This, yeah, is getting a train from Edinburgh to London. Wait, you'll be coming back. I'll be coming back from Edinburgh to London. You'll have already had a little. We talked about this in the extras. It's all on the patron extras. You've got to be a patron to hear this.

You actually have got. For my sex life, I think patron. Let's just for dignity. I agree. I agree. Strong recommendation. that the last Patreon had like a huge

huge fact about Helen that I can't wait for an update on today to do with her sex life but also to do with her vagina but also inherently revolting so would check that out pay extra it's honestly worth it it's not that revolting

it happens to all women and it was a bit of a shot when it squirted it doesn't happen it doesn't happen to all women it happens to a lot of women you make that sound sexy like it's squirting it's not squirting

it's something wrong with her vagina the first I can't listen to the Patreon we'll get into it later Helen so you'll be coming back That's why we don't have equal pay because of women like her saying stuff like that. It's disgusting. I don't think that's right.

I'm moving into a flat that I've never seen before. And then I'm coming back from Edinburgh and then I'm working on something that I can't tell you about yet. But it's actually really exciting. What? I know. Well, you know about it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, great.

Okay, that is really exciting. You actually should stay tuned for that. Okay, great. Well, thrilling. I'm going to. And then I'm going to mix Neil Patel for dinner and make him be romantic with me. That's so cute. Finally, am I going to go on him?

Literally never. I want that to happen so much. I know. I do. I really do. And I want it for you. I know. It's so sweet.

Don't worry. When Bobby gets here, you're going to freak out because I don't think, I think he might want it more than you want it. No. Oh, God. Okay. I'm so excited.

Okay, great. We'll say that. Tell me about your romantic weekend as someone who actually has a partner. I do have a partner, brag. But also, I kind of messed up the, I was like, oh, I'll take care of Valentine's. And so I booked. well first of all I keep telling people where I booked and they all could be I thought it was like I thought it was cool now but everyone's looking at me like it's not cool now I booked Margate

Margate's cool okay thank you I think it's cool now it's seaside it's chic it's fun yeah I thought it was in but people keep looking at me like I've said like I'm booking an industrial estate for our weekend away also there's like an absolute row of Pokemon stops when you arrive at the station that is not of interest in me and then but then I realized almost apparently we're going to like the Sunday Monday. Nice. But apparently every restaurant in Margates closed on Sunday and Monday. I tried to book anywhere for us to eat. No. We're going, we're basically taking our hello fresh bags to Margathe and going to cook each other dinner one night each. That is such a you thing to do it. I know you didn't want to do it. I don't. But it feels very you. I don't want to do it. But it'll be fine. And then we're going to walk by the sea. Nice. I actually am very excited. And they've got so many slot machines and stuff. You can

win toys. Again, no. But we'll walk, we'll swim, we'll look at some, I think there's some nice art galleries there. Apparently there's a lot of nice vintage shops. I'm going to, we love a charity shop, so we'll go have a troll. And hopefully we'll eat some nice fish if anywhere's open. I'm not going to go to the arcades once. You're not going to make a joke about us eating fish on Valentine's Day. Okay. And, um. The vagina smile like fish. No, they don't smell like fish. They do. They do a bear. Helen, you have to wash more. I know. Honestly, I can't dress this enough. It's not so much a washing issue as a trimming of the hair.

Yeah. Oh, well. Both are good, but there's no pressure. But I do think washing generally is the main solve there. Okay. Your Valentine sounds really wholesome. I think it's going to be wholesome. And we love wholesome.

Like, you're going to take like a nice sort of like lighting night, like candles in the bedroom. I have a nice, we might bring our diffuser that we have a moji diffuser that I was given. See, that's good. Yeah, that's a nice idea. Actually, I hadn't thought of that. That's a good idea. Like, set the scene a little bit. Yeah, I'm going to pack matching underwear.

It's all going to be very home. Stop. Is that like a thing? I think one for me, I'm like, it's a special occasion if I'm wearing matching. We should be matching. Oh, I thought you men matching with each other. I don't know.

I'm not a lesbian. I thought maybe you guys, like, for special occasions, lesbians got matching, like, boxes. I don't know where you were. Winning is like straight men's fantasy. It's not lesbian fantasy. We look like sisters, but we're four.

Like girls of the Playboy Mansion? Oh, make it stop. No, no, no, no, no. And then they don't wear the same outfit to hair. No, I meant that I, my pants would match my bra. Okay, that's very nice. I know, right? That's very nice.

Like a Mark Spencer's model. Who am I? Oh, my God, I got a great pair of pants. I got period pants. Oh my God, I really want to try these, tell me. That's why my first period this year was so exciting, so I got to use them. How should you get them? M&S.

Really? All my pants are M&F. And they were good. They were great. And I'm like, if you have a head. Blood? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you think even for a heavy bleed, they're good?

Honestly. But also with a tampon or no? I mean, okay, I had a moon cup in for day one and day two. That's fine. But I'd be willing to just wear the pants this time. I would be. I would be. Can I ask, do you not feel like you've wet yourself?

Yes. Oh, you do. Oh, you do. I don't like that. But only for like a minute after a big drop. I can feel Andrew really struggling. In the corner. Do you want to leave?

Andrew. I'm fine, thank you. Yeah. I think you're being unfair on me. Yeah, good. Yes, Andrew. Even then, you stammered through saying that. I was trying to check the sea.

There's a panic in your voice. A panic of running a show. And don't stop screaming at us. We're all having a nice time. Having a lovely time. Wow. Because when a woman is, Andrew, look at me. I was changed to the camera angle on the desk.

Andrew, look at me when a woman is menstruating and blood is falling out of her can't we have some big dollops as well as some little bits and the big dollops, me personally

I like to try and figure out which one's the egg so I can do a proper goodbye okay can I fact check that Catherine she does not speak for all women we do not all rifles For a large majority of women. We don't all rifle through our clots to check, which is the egg.

I like to say it a proper goodbye. So we can bid it in a Jew. Okay, that's not what most women do. I sing so long farewell from sound of music. Gorgeous. And I will be playing all the parts. That does actually sound quite fun. You won't be able to do that in your new flat.

Oh, I can't do anything in a new flatty. New fatty, which might not actually exist. Yeah, you were probably scammed by a woman called Helen. Fun time. No, Helen's don't scam. Helen's bitch, we don't scam. I don't know. We're not smart enough to scam.

You're right. Helens and Clairs just don't scam, right? He's to do Amy's. Like, it's all just too much. Oh, Amy's. We're going to get back into Little Women. It's like, I think this should be the sponsored book of this podcast is Little Women. I don't know that Louise May Elka.

Yeah, please do. Oh, she's probably dead, isn't she? She's probably dead. But I don't know if she wrote it in the Times or whether it was like a retrospective. My. Because people write books set in the people. Michael Orpago wrote War Horse after World War I. I love that's your cultural reference for historical.

Michael. Michael Orpulgo wrote. I'm just saying Louisa May Alcott could have written Little Women in the 80s and we wouldn't know. Except we do. Do we? You ever met her? No, that's true. I said I haven't met her.

Could have been a, uh, What's got a pseudonym. Is she dead, Andrew? She's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When? I was like, just tell her. When?

Oh, my God. Why? What happened? No, what did happen, though? Seriously. I'll find out. Yeah, and I would also like to dedicate this episode to the passing of Louisa May Alcott. May she?

So long. No. So long. Were you going to sing a musical theatre song to me? I'd say you were going to sing you so long, farewell. Oh, my gosh, how exciting. Oh, my God. Oh, no, just like, let's just finish us up.

with some beautiful chat about previous Valentine's Day that we've done well and we've done badly. Okay, can I tell you that my current girlfriend once went through my Instagram post to see what my previous girlfriends had done for Valentine's Day and then made like a pity reel to send me to be like, I'm so sorry, this happened to you. You deserve better.

Like through multiple. Fun! I love her so much. Through multiple partners. She was like, believe you stayed with this person. I assume you didn't fuck this person. Like just like so rude. But also like

you need to cleanse out your Instagram a little bit babe as well. I know. She has made that point and I have done so accordingly. But I would say that honestly what's what's beautiful about it is one, she's a bitch and I love her. But two, um, it's really set the bar high for herself because it's like, okay. Oh that was all, was that

terrible? Was it? I mean, those people all got me lovely flowers and chocolates and oh my God, she better up the ante because she has some talk, some big talk to some big talk and uh holy shit i know should i not have told you that that seems like no i loved it i absolutely loved it i think that's and you it's still quite loving i've had a couple i once i always feel like in my early 20 particularly valentine's day felt like i had to fuck like i definitely felt like i love valentine's day now because i fully i get it it's like oh my god like i love so

many things so i can just celebrate everything i love and i can just like and also because i love telling people i love them but usually go like ugh but now i can do it more openly it's like way fun but in my early 20s I was like I've got a fuck I've got to fuck yeah yeah I once desperate panic fuck slept with a guy um but you know right you know when you're right see you're you're in your 20s you're old enough to know that you you're gonna fuck yeah but you're not old enough or confident enough yet to be like hey let's just get down to business come on let's go for this oh god do you still have to watch the film you've got to talk so you don't actually get clothes off until about three, four.

It's the worst. It's the worst. It's tricky, right? So we... You reminded me of that, sorry, the first day I ever had with this girlfriend, we, like, you went for a walk, a real long walk during lockdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then she came over to my house. So, oh, why would I invite you to my house? Like, we've never met, like, come on, you're obviously here to fuck. And it was just so much talking. Because you couldn't get into it. It was so much talking. We talked to like 1 a.m.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like, oh, we should have done this at 11 or 10. We would have had such a nice time. But I swear I used to feel terrible. feel tension during that period but now the tension's gone it's just sort of like come on yeah why is your hand not on something where's your mouth like it's right hand red a very intense twister purple so this dpf but like this is a thing I have learned and if they've got any younger listeners I really want to are you going to tell more about the DPF in your 20s?

Yeah, yeah, this is it. Okay, this is it. So I want them to take notes right now because when you're like doing that, often a film will be suggested. You're going to watch a film, which is when you get closer. You've got to think about the film you're picking. Okay, because I don't want anyone to have what I have, which is the opening scene of Inglorious Bastard when a Nazi is shooting people under a floorboard who are Jewish

and then you're like, do you want a blowjob? It's not. It's not, and, you know, we did it, and the movie was still playing, because to stop and pause is weird, and I'm going to say it, it made me feel wrong. Yeah, no, that, that's... And I was in Germany at the time. Oh, my God, it's hard to listen to. And I, I'd like, I dream of a world.

It says more about him if he got it up after that. That's awful. I've got really good tips. Oh, yeah, that's true. I dream of a world when no one has to ever give a blow job. to the opening scene of Inglorious Pastons again. That makes sense. I get it.

I get it. That's now, we now share that dream, Helen. Now we do. Happy Valentine's Day, Catherine. Happy Valentine's everyone. Happy Valentine's Day, M and Andrew.

But also, I like the idea of theming your film for Valentine's Day depending on the kind of sex you do want to have. Like, if you're on your period, a bit of jaws. Andrew was about to say happy Valentine's Day to me. I was, yes,

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Well, it's either a damning indictment on my love life or a great kind of reflection on my career. I've gigged every Valentine's Day.

Gorgeous. Are you gigging this year? I am indeed. Fabulous. Welcome to the game, I agree. Em, do you have Valentine's plans? I have no plans. Yay!

Do you think you're going to be surprised? Or do you think... Who can say? Who can say? Interesting. Can I say that M's partner is a comedian? Is that a thing I'm allowed to say? M's partner is a comedian, so it's highly unlikely.

you will be surprised very likely they're just going to be at a gig and forget it's happening but... They've got a good soul I think it might be

something great I don't think it will You're getting a puppy let's introduce our guest shall we? Please! Oh my God, I love him a very sweet romantic man

in fact. Very romantic. I know, it's the gorgeous the very, very funny. Bobby Mayor, everybody. No. Hi, I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has given us a five-star rating and review so far on iTunes, who has commented and liked on our videos on YouTube. It makes such a difference because we are a baby podcast.

We are producing it ourselves and we really appreciate it. And we would ask you, if you haven't done it already, please do just chuck out some likes and makes a massive difference to us and being able to keep doing it. Only five-star reviews, please. We've got some gorgeous ones. I love reading them. Helen hates the one. Let's forget about the one bad one. Let's forget about it.

Please keep telling us that you love the oinks. It makes my world feel complete. I hate it. And what we found really works is if you do really enjoy the podcast and you're not able to support us in any other way, supporting us by listening is amazing. And please tell five friends and family members about it this week. And it makes such a huge difference.

Massive. And as does sharing our videos on Twitter or Instagram, it makes such a big difference. Please and thank you. Thank you. I'm joking, I'm joking. Hello, Bobby Mayor. Hi, Bobby.

Hello. It's Bobby. I love Bobby. How are you? Yeah, I'm good. Thank you so much for doing this. I'm so excited you're here. Alive. We're so happy you're here. Bobby, you just became a dad.

I did. How you doing? Fine. Honestly, they are. As a friend of Harriet and Bobby's who's one round, it's the chillest baby of all time. Listen, like, I'm not a great parent, but I'm, I think, I just think Harriet cheated on me with some kind of Zen master to make this baby. We just have a calm baby.

We're like, look, it's going to get hard. Of course, it's going to get hard. Yeah. But right now it just sleeps a lot and stares at us. It's a pretty calm baby. That sounds great. She's so, it's like it feels like Sineal sperm is involved. Oh, my God.

It really does. It does, though, doesn't it? Is the baby brown? That's what we want. Not brown, but vibe-wise. She looks like that. That's Soneal like... That's what we wanted.

That's what we craved was a little Sineal and we got it. So, please, because your dogs called Sineal Patel. Yeah, yeah. We were going to... I was trying to name the baby Petal. So we had a petal,

but no one wanted that. Especially not Sineal. It's just such a desperate risk just in case Sineal does turn out to be a massive creep. Do you know what I mean? Naming babies is hard. You never know because I always thought that.

Like, so like, let's say Ian Brady, famous sort of like kiddie killer. But like there wasn't like there wasn't any other Ian Brady's walking around at that time because it's a common name. So if you were called Eel... How about if you were called Myra Hindley

when Myra Hindley came out? You'd be gutted. You would. Actually, to be fair, my brother was born and my parents named him and then a week later, there was a story on the late age show

which is like the, I guess, like the big chat show in Ireland. And there was a bishop confessing to having had an affair or a woman on who'd had an affair with the bishop in Ireland. Same name. And they'd named the baby,

my brother's name. And my parents were like, for fuck, say! So yeah, you never know. You never know. You don't know. You don't know. So how was the birth?

It was a... Sorry, I'm writing. I'm very Irish. How was the birth? It was intense. What happened? So, I mean, I'm sure Harriet's already told this story on another podcast, but I fired the midwife halfway through the birth.

Sorry, what? It's a strong choice for a dad, but I respect it for it. Rewind, what? They assign you a midwife at the hospital. You're going to choose this person. met the person before then. No. You don't meet them before

the actual birth? No, because you don't know when you're going to go into labor so they can't just stay at the hospital for weeks on and waiting for being to go in labor. So you get there and you get there. This is your midwife. She comes in.

Did you like her from the start? No. Rude. Angry tone of voice spoke to Harriet quite rudely and abrasively. Some people would say that you had like an angry tone of voice. Yeah?

Not today. Not this day. I had a great night's sleep. He was calm. I was pretty calm the night before the birth. I was very calm. Anyways, there was some very invasive examination they had to do before they could give her pain killers.

And they didn't believe she was even in labor, even though she was. So you're just trying to convince them you're in labor. They're like, you're not in labor. Why didn't they think she was? Because they never think you're in labor until you're really in labor. They always think you're imagining it. So then...

That feels like not true. Okay. No, no, but they don't believe... It was happening quickly, so they're like, statistically you're not in labor. So you're not in labor. But it's like, no, no, I am... Was there a reason that they didn't think...

Harriet was, like, was she being particularly Harriet? Because when they induce, it usually takes days, and it was like 12 hours later. Wow, okay. Okay, okay. So... Hang on, they induced her the day before and you slept like a baby. I went back to our house. Yeah. Bobby was like, best night's sleep

in my life. That's not great. I got eight hours. I'm not good. There's not one of me, me staying at the hospital and getting a bad night's sleep. Why should he suffer? I would probably 100%. Yeah, but one of us... Okay, so you meet this rude bitch and she's like... She's just being short with her.

And they do this examination. It's not going well because they need to pretty much, you know, get to her stomach through a vagina. And do you mean womb? Whom? Whom, whatever. I'm not a doctor. Very clear. Oh, Dr. Bobby right here.

Okay. So, so that it's not working out. And we said, okay, we just need a minute. And then at one point also this lady started going to Harriet, breathe! Breathe. And nobody likes to be shouted at. So I said, don't tell her to breathe. She knows to breathe.

Everyone knows to breathe. She's like, well, don't get in my way. I'm like, I'm not getting your way. You're not helping by saying breathe. Like, no, everyone knows breathe. We've all seen movies. Yes, you breathe. Look, effortlessly right now.

Breathing. Like, it's not going to do anything. I know that the midwife is meant to come off as the bad guy in the story, but so far. No, she is the bad guy. Then, at one point. point, um, they couldn't do this examinerate. And then she just says to Harriet like, well, you know, if you let's do the examination, you could have your pain relief in that tone of voice.

And they said, well, how about this? Leave. Don't come back. We want a different midwife. Goodbye. Wow. Fired the midwife. God bless the NHS.

And then she left, but now we're just alone giving birth. I didn't figure it through. No, you didn't. Where's it? Where's there a place? Is there a sub? No. No, they let us sweat it out.

They're waiting. Then the head midwife come. She's like, well. Well, listen, if you want, if you want the pain relief, you need this examination, and that midwife has to do it. And I was like, why don't you do it? She's like, well, I'm the head midwife. I'm like, yeah, I think you're quite qualified then. That sounds great.

We'll take you, please. And she's like, I won't do it. She didn't want to capitulate to us firing the midwife, right? Right. So she was like refusing to do this. Where is Harriet in all of this? Harriet's completely on my side. I'm on her side.

I'm advocating for Harriet. She's totally 100% behind the. want like captain fucking fat fingers rubbing around just rude woman um so so then uh the midwives head midwife's like i can't do it i'm sorry i'm like she leaves what the then we're just alone and they refused to give her the pink but so oh my god then the head midwife comes back five minutes later it's like okay i'll do it yeah you won your wife's in agony but you won and that's the main thing no not me one harriet won because that other lady was awful And then we got a midwife that was like Mary Poppins.

Oh, heaven. And she was great. And she just said, you're a superstar. You're a superstar. Did she really say that? Yeah, you're doing great. You're a superstar. I mean, I can't stress how completely useless I was during this process.

I arrived at the birth, and Harriet, unbeknownst to me, got an app that told her when to breathe, completely eliminating my need to be there. But I thought nobody was supposed to tell her that because I was supposed to tell her. That was me. As a friend of Harry. The midwife was stepping on my toes. The app destroyed me. This app destroyed me.

So then I was just replaced my app. I arrived. Very close to my daughter being bored. I was playing a game on my phone. Because there was nothing for me to do. She didn't want me to look at her. She didn't want me to go near a vagina. She didn't want, she just wanted me to sit down and stay away from a vagina.

And I wanted to check my podcast stats. I get it. I get it. And how were they on that day, good? it wasn't the best day but it wasn't the worst my daughter was born and balanced out to a decent day nice can I ask does it like did it change how you saw Harriet

after you saw her give Bruce I don't know I liked her a lot before yeah yeah yeah yeah I continued to like her quite a bit yeah yeah but I mean like you didn't have any like newfound respect or like I probably did it's I don't I feel like in a relationship when you've been together for like 10 years it's not like one day we are like I respect her more now

I don't know I know what you mean but I definitely I've seen people, I know, I don't know what it's like to look at someone and have them gain respect for me, but I have seen people lose respect. Yes, that's easy. I definitely that moment, you can see it in their eyes on them, they don't have to say it, but you'll be there, like, remember that guy I was dating and I was like naked in bed with him, he was naked, it was summer, it was very sweaty, it was disgusting, and I needed to vomics, we drunk so much. Right. I had cheese tosties, and then we fucked, and then it was all in my tummy, and he thought I was fit. He definitely fancied me. we were going places.

Yeah. You haven't asked to tell you went to breathe. I had to run to the bathroom, but he had a view from where he was lying. Oh, I remember this. And I bent over and vomited, but the force of the vomit made me far. So I looked like a special needs naked horse,

just exploding. And I turned back around, and he couldn't, like, it was gone. There was no respect. And it feels lonely. How is it that you came off in that story less dignified than Harriet whilst giving birth? Because birth is a dignified thing

Yeah, well, the way she... But it's quite similar. Is it? It is, but that... Yours was self-imposed from cheese sandwiches and hers was creating life. But have you ever seen someone lose dignity for you? Oh, I've lost a lot of dignity or many years, many times.

Most people in my life at some point have had no respect for me. Yeah, I've seen people lose respect for you all the time. So it everyone has... People must have lost respect for you, no? Of course they have. But what is it that you do? Because you're quite polished. in person. But when the polish drops, it's a sad

moment. The little moments of the polish dropping. The thing is, you have to do that to lose respect. I have to make one error in punctuation or grammar and people are like, my, psych, got you. And you're like, okay. They're like, we fucking win. And you're like, all right, sorry. But just lower the bar. You put the bar high. I saw you once make an all-plants meal from your freezer that you thought came with rice but it didn't and you made an assumption and you lost it I was so annoyed she was the same thing because I we had one and you make it and it has

rice and then there's a curry and you're like oh great you put it in the next day oh curry okay I cook it come well this one's just a curry well why are you why all plants I know agree thank you Bobby thank you why thank you why thank you it's not her it's an insane thing to do as a company thank you oh hello do you want a quarter powder and fries yeah well to day we just, you say that, but we just give you the quarter pounder. Oh my God. That doesn't make any sense. I feel actually now I realize how supported Harriet felt. Yeah. Good for you. That's what I do.

Yeah, I love that. Anger in the right place is it exciting. Because you get angry on behalf of people. I'm a loyal dog. That's what you want. I love that. You want a loyal dog. I love that. Here's my question. What is the loyal dog doing for creator of Live Harriet for Valentine's Day? Well, I can't reveal it on the podcast. comes out after. As if Harriet listens. We're doing me. Also that.

It also doesn't come out after. It comes out three days before. Yeah. Got that. See, I made a mistake. How embarrassing people are losing respect to us? You're a fucking idiot. I can no longer look at you.

You're disgusting. Oh, look. You've got blood and shit all over your dress. Oh, no. It's purple. The voice in Helen's head is escaped. Look at all the poo on you. You've got poo on your face and on your hat.

Freckles. For Val. We're doing a show at Angel comedy. Right. You're both ginging together. Yeah. Who's looking after the baby? Well, we don't go on stage at the same time.

So when one of us is on stage. Oh, you'll hold a baby in the corner. That's so cute. And then we swap. That's so cute. Amazing. And so, wow, that's not a romantic plan at all. No, it was, you know, you got to work.

I think it's super romantic. I'm going to, once we got a... Life really changes when you have a baby, huh? You got to work. You got to work. Well, once, I'm going to take her on a vacation with no baby very soon. Oh, really?

Who's going to take the baby? Uncle Thaneel and Auntie Helen. The baby? I feel like no. The baby... It's going to learn how to live, you know? Oh my God, you're going to Matilderet. Yeah.

Like, most children don't want to take care of themselves. Now, great. She's on Twitter now. She's doing good. She's bisexual. Well, I don't think that her childhood... You said it like it happened. I meant that that was a good thing about her.

You treated it like something that had been caused. You said it like by abandonment. I know that, but you said that. You said it like, oh, she was abandoned. She's my sexual. No. I'm not respect for Bobby. I'm surprised.

No, you said it. He's not a five back. You said it. You said it. This is so loud. Now, Andrew, do we have a problem to be solved, a listener problem? We do indeed. It's kind of well-written romance and all sorts of going on.

Oh my gosh, okay, who's the problem from? This is from a Y. Hi, Y, why. Hi, Y. Oh, like, Y Bird. The nice thing is that you... So, Y Bird, what? From play days. Oh, right. Okay. The nice thing is that you're now a wiser man, a father. You'll have some advice to impart, I'm sure. I have lots of advice to give. It's never that good.

Oh, well, listen, as long as it's here. As long as it's confident. Our advice is always amazing, so don't worry about it. Okay, good. No. Go on. What is the 90s? Nah. What am I doing? God. So this is from Y. A few weeks ago on a night out, one of my friends kissed me

and we continued to get together for the rest of the night. But our other friend really likes her. No! This is from a man. They got with a woman and the other friend is a woman as well. That plays into your advice,

which obviously makes me the worst kind of person but the girl I got with told me she had no interest in being with the other friend. Well then that's fine. It's now a few people. weeks and everything and every time we're drunk together we kiss and stuff um and stuff what do i do tell my friend i got with the girl she likes uh or just stop getting with the girl um any advice criticism or a scolding is appreciated and then they um emailed uh a week later with an update

up down the situation i now have feelings for the girl yeah but my friend still does as well men are so weird update a week later i now have feelings why are men It's so fucking weird. As someone who's been in this situation as the girl that fancies the other person and isn't involved in it, shall I go? Yes. And then I have some feelings about this. Okay. So first time this happened to me, I was 16 working at the Harlington Centre on Fleet Road.

I was a legend of environmental promotionalist for Heart District Council. I got paid 7.83 an hour. Got me redone two years later because I was just watching Hustle. I really fancied a boy called Luke. my friend then started working there when I left for the summer she took my job I fancied him I hadn't told her I fancied him but I thought it was clear and then I came back to fleet for one night and I saw them making out outside of Pizza Express now I was devastated but they liked each other and he didn't fancy me but all I wanted in that situation was just a heads up just say hey we've kind of got feelings for each other We're going to go for this. And then it's happened again as I've been older where I have fancied someone

and then they have then got with a friend and that time that friend did say, hey, like we really like each other. Is it okay if we go on a date? And I was like, of course, go on a date. Just don't, can we just like not do it actively around me? Yeah. For a while.

Okay. Just give me a bit of, do you know what I mean? That's complete. Like don't bring them to like, don't come a. a couple when you're coming to hang out of mine. Just for like a couple of months. Just give me a bit of breathing room.

Did they stay together? No, of course not. When it ended, were you really happy? Over the moon. Over the moon. But I had to really control my face like, I haven't. I think communication is key

because inevitably in these love triangle things, someone gets hurt, but as long as it's honest and you're not surprised because honestly, you should have seen little Helen outside that Pizza Express. I was opposite. I was by the Emporium, but still, awful.

Bobby, anything to add? I feel like the friend who's not loved. They sound weak. Oh, that's me, you're referring to it. Everyone's been that person, but like, oh, they like them. They might like them, but they haven't done anything about it. So they just sit around going, I really like her. Yeah.

Oh, and they talk about it all the time and they tell stories about, Someday, I hope we can get together. Yeah, just make your move. Savid. This is so boring. It's so, the worst is a friend who just talks about feelings all the time. Listen, just ask them. If that person would have made their move earlier,

the girl might have appreciated some assertiveness. But what happened was, I was a child! That person just sat there staring at a girl for two years, and the girl's like, he won't stop staring at me. Yeah. I will say in the most savage terms, what Bobby has said, I do ultimately agree with, which is like you, the person whose choice in this,

the only person who has a choice in this scenario is the person who you're both interested in. And if you haven't made it clear to them that you're interested, there's nothing they can do about that. However, it does seem in this case the girl who they both are attracted to does know that the girl is attracted to her, but doesn't have a reciprocal interest. Here's my thing. I don't know why we act like people have ownership over people who they fancy. like I know it's the rules of life do you remember this at school like a new boy would

move and everyone be like whoever says they fancy them first gets them in adulthood you don't get no the rules stay the same no you don't get dib apart from that one girl he fancies everyone she dibs everyone and it's like fuck off you helen no it's not you don't get a dibs and in my opinion right you I absolutely agree with helen that you should articulate it to the third friend you should say look we're hooking up and we are friends but I don't think you should be asking permission no I don't I don't because they don't have ownership over the person, nor do you. I don't think that you should be saying...

Not permission, it's a heads up. Yeah, and I agree with that, but I don't think you should be asking permission or apologising in any manner, nor do I think you should be feeling guilty. You're both adults. That person has no ownership over the woman involved, and she has her own capacity to choose

for herself. Everything else is gross and sort of weirdly feudal, and I think you should just grow up. That came out too honest. There's a great... They want the scolding, I mean. There's a great, there's a great, feeling, and I've been on both sides of it, when you and a friend likes someone and the person

chooses you and not a friend, that feels amazing because then you feel better than the other person. I disagree. I think it actually kind of, especially if the other person's being like really self-pitying about it, it kind of diminishes the joy of it because you suddenly somehow have to feel bad, even though you've done nothing wrong. No, no, but that's what I'm saying. I didn't feel bad.

You don't have to feel bad. You can just feel good. Guilt is a choice, according to Bobby. I think of someone actively pursues something when their friend is clearly emotionally involved in something that's not great either I just I'm 36 years old what does emotionally involved mean

just get invested emotionally if you are already attracted to someone but they don't have an interest in you and that person does have an interest in me and I also like them I don't think it is bad form for me to pursue that no but to like allow the person to know that it's going to happen Oh yeah, give them a heads up if you can. Yeah.

Absolutely. But I think that there's a difference between giving a heads up and being in any way apologetic or asking permission. I think you can be sensitive without being simpering, which I think is necessary. I think be simpering. I think you should not date this person. Simpering.

Yeah. I simper. I know, right? I would then also to the unloved one in this group. We got to stop calling her that. To the unlovable. No. To the unlovable, I'd say either double down and be really pathetic, go on all their

dates and just sit in the corner going, poor me, oh, no one loves me. And just sort of like stroking the couple that together being like, you'll have beautiful babies and I'll be alone forever. Like really, like really ham it up. No. Because when you're not going to be loved, you might as well get some pity. Here's what I think. Hello.

If you're the third person, I think I find it really helpful to just be like, attraction is just chemicals like it's just random chance and there are more people who you'll be attracted to and who will be attracted to you but like it's just it's a bunch of circumstances

it's not a reflection on you like I always like to think about incredibly hot people objectively hot people who I don't fancy or who people I know don't fancy like I know people who don't fancy Charley's Theron like that's who

exactly right but that's insane Like that's, that's, what are you talking about? Yeah, she's a goddess. Or I know men who are like, oh, I don't know, like, ex-supermodel just isn't for me. And you're like, you could never get with her. What are you talking about?

The point being that even the most attractive, theoretically, objectively, attractive people in the world, you know, it's all just like, it's individual. So it's not about you. It's just a circumstance. Okay, well, bitchy Catherine and Pricky Bobby are saying, go for it. And I'm saying, have compassion.

Because in a world where you can be anything, be kind. You've got to start pulling the trigger. Let me have this. I'm saying both. I have pulled the trigger before. And honestly, there's only so many times you can get shot down in the ear. Okay? Like, I'm not saying I don't pull the trigger.

I pull the trigger, but you can only take like five rejections a week, max, before you start going. What am I doing wrong? No, but also I just, but I do think you can't be resentful about your friends if you fancy one of them, but they get together. Like, it's ultimately like you don't understand. You can totally be resentful. You don't honor to it. Hold on to it. Sing, let it go.

but never let it go. I think Bobby, I mean, you're more close to my... I think there's two people at this table who probably slept with their friend's exes. I think that's what's happened. There's two people at this table who've definitely... And not even like very shortly after a breakup.

That is 100% what this is. That is what's happening. And we're trying to justify our past behaviors. No, not exes. Desperately trying to justify it. It's tragic. Not exes. Just people there.

maybe they had also expressed an interest in, but, like, what am I? You don't own them. You don't own them. I know, but to actively go for it is still a choice, and it's not a great choice. You know what? I may not have a partner like these two,

but I have a really good friend, and I will have that remembered, okay? Yeah, she's a really good friend because she's in love with them and won't tell them. No, I tell them, and then I move on, I let them do their thing, but I would never actively go for something. Speaking of people that I think Helen's secretly in love with

that I really wanted to work out with. How much do you ship Helen and Sineal? Yeah, Catherine's fighting for this. And I know you're fighting for this too. There's nothing to fight for though. You think they just be the most beautiful couple. I think what you're missing is they are already a couple. I know.

I wish that was true. They said they give birth. The other day you gave a birthday present from Helen and Sineal. Oh, that's cute. That's fair though. Everyone else does couples. I think that's fair. They just skipped the year where you have a lot of sex and have settled into a sexless marriage.

So if anything, the relationship just matured very quickly. That's gorgeous. I love that. That's exactly what's happening. My life sucks. No, because I didn't realize that. That's exactly what has happened. Oh, give us a wedding, Helen.

Give us a wedding. You live exactly like my grandparents did right before my grandpa died. They had separate rooms. in separate rooms they still went to functions together only one of them drove I texted him at the weekend to be like can you pick up a gift

for this person I haven't got it yet and he got the call of Doobie we oh God I can't gross You're right Oh that actually makes me even happier Give us a wedding Helen come on

I want to wear a hat I'd like to end the episode now Okay Say thank you to Bobby Mayor Thank you Bobby Mayor Bobby May You've been such a wonderful guest Thank you for coming

I've I do would like to I did when you said the thing about it did make you did make it sound like you were saying

the person became bisexual Oh! Are you still on that? Of course I'm on that. It's a very LGBT podcast. Listen to my lesbians. I want to be clear

no you do not seem remotely bifobic In fact If you're wave to the lesbians Bobby straight down the barrel And in fact If you're all doing well In fact if you're not

Watching this on YouTube Allow me to assure you that Bobby has essentially dressed like most middle-aged lesbians and matched a tacksuit. He's an ally. No, you know what? It's more like a northern lesbian. I like that. It's a very on-brand

sort of vintage tacksuit and it matches. I love it. Bobby, before you go, is there anything you would like to promote? Oh, I want to talk about the podcast. Oh, yeah. I'm on tour. Yes, Bobby. And I need to sell some tickets. I went on sale last minute because of COVID. This man's got a baby. I'm like six weeks to sell quite a few tickets.

So, uh, starts March 1st, Tuesday, March 1st in Cardiff, 29 days across the UK. What's it called? It's called Cockroach, because that's what I've always been. Someone who can survive anything. Two dead moms, a mental breakdown, a lot of cocaine. Let's party. I'm a survivor.

It's a good fun show. What we don't need, what we need is we need a resilient, we need resilient people. I'm a resilient person, and this is just an hour of fucking gut-wrenching laugh. I feel like you're running for government. That's amazing. Bobby mayor. Dot net. And they can also listen to your podcast

with Redwich. I have a podcast called The Year is. Every year we do a deep dive into... Every week? Every week. I was like, you've got to work harder, Bobby. Every episode, we do a deep dive into a year in history

and find... It's just a way of telling stories, you know? You find forgotten, interesting stories. I listen to it every week and I fucking love it. The two of you are so funny together. Very kind.

I'm just so excited for 1997. That's my favorite year of all time. We're saving it for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to go on and do 97 with them. So you're glad it happened? Titanic came out, Diana died. You're glad it happened.

I'm not glad it happened. I'm just glad to be exposed to queen who she is. Okay, you know what? Fuck you. Listen to the year is. Bobby, where can people find you online? All the things. Yeah, and also we'll be tagging Bobby and all the posts.

Got to Bobbymare.net for the tour tickets. And then social media, you just type my name in and whatever. Bobby is a phenomenal comedian. You will have a great evening. You absolutely should do that. Also, take your new dad friend. He can feel better about himself. You know what I mean?

What new dad friend? If you have a new friend who's a new dad? Oh, right. I thought you meant me and I was like, I've got a new dad. No, if you have a friend who's a new dad and he's like, but am I doing this right? And then they see Bobby, they'll be like, I'm fine.

You know what I'm great. Oh, I get you. Sorry. Yeah. It's fine. Whatever. The kids are alive. We're having a nice time.

Stop overthinking it. What a wonderfully low bar. Thank you, Bobby. Bobby Mayor, everybody. Yay. We so appreciate the support Please help us keep the podcast going Thank you so much to our exact producers

Guy Goodman, Simon Moors Janina Batista and Mary Fox We are so grateful And thank you also to our wonderful producers Melissa Dunkels Carrag Duke Sarah and Molly Aileen McQueen, Caitlin Liff

Joe Holmes Zoe Kim Doyle Lee Myers-Coff Is that how I say? That's it Rachel R, David Walker Tim and Dom Kira Leach S-dubs L, Richard Ball

Sadie Catsmore, Neal Redmond, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Anthony Conway, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke. We're so grateful. Watching that list grow, it's so nice.

It makes me feel like it's Valentine's Day every day. Oh, behave yourself, in that she is almost coming, but not quite. Oh my God, it's all happening so far. Please, join us. Thank you.