Trusty Hogs - Ep190. CHLOE PETTS / Bullies, Breast Lifts & Brotherly Love

Episode Date: June 12, 2025

Catherine has returned to Tenerife for some more filming, so we have the straw fedora'd legend and everyone's favourite honorary Hog in her place today: CHLOE PETTS!FOLLOW CHLOE: @ChloePettsNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCall / Charlie WeemesPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, I'm Kristen Bell, and if you know my husband, Dax, then you also know he loves shopping for a car. Selling a car? Not so much. We're really doing this, huh? Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your van or license, and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning, and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon. Goodbye, Truckee. Of course, we kept the favorite.

Hello, other truckie. Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply. This is Car Tracks with Turtle Wax. Your car says a lot about you. So if we asked your car what it would say about you, what would it say? Listen, you dropped one of those tiny cheeseburgers under the seat like last week, and now we're both dry heaving at the stench.

Do us a favor, grab some turtle wax, and let's get to work. This has been Car Tracks with Turtle Wax. You are how you car Hello dear trusty hogs It is I Andrew White from the aforementioned trusty hogs I am going on tour and I'm going to Edinburgh With two different shows I'm going back to Edinburgh with young gay and a third thing

I'm two weeks up at the Monkey Barrel Cabaret Voltaire 28th of July to the 10th of August 835pm every single day It'd be great to see you there And then after that I'm going on tour in November With a brand new show called Rhinestone Comptain Median, which all I can say about that is I will be fabulously dressed. And I say that because I have not written the material yet, but it will be funny.

Going all over the place, Edinburgh, Newcastle, other places, there's more than two places on the tour. Anyway, it's all my bio at standopandrew, stanopandry.com. Yeah, thank you very much. See you out on the road. Hello, it's Helen Bauer. Yes, you heard it, and it's true. I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'm doing the full month.

I'm at Monkey Barra 1 with my new show called Bless Her. I don't know what to say about it without giving anything away. But let's just say, I'm doing great. And then I'm on tour around Britain. I'm going around Ireland. And we've just added a show in Berlin in Deutschland on September 6th. And then I will be going to Zurich, but that is not confirmed yet. So forget I said it.

Let's just come to Berlin. Let's make that happen. And I'll see you on tour or at the fringe. Love you. It suits you, Chloe. You'll look like you're in like an Agatha Christie sort of like Middle Eastern drama, murder mystery. I look like Army Hammering, um,

death and the most recent death and the Nile. That's what I look like. Whereas you look like a very offensive tourist. I don't understand. Sorry, maybe I'm crazy. I don't understand how me and Chloe look any different. I don't see it. I personally don't see it.

I think we look like a lovely couple on a crew. who are like yeah we'll go visit the country but only for a minute because when people when we were in port everyone's off and we like to use the water slide no you like to use the water slide and you're trying to do crosswords back in the cabin yeah in the cabin yeah i do think we do look like a like a like a like a couple of brits abroad i would love to cruise with you say more on that like i in an ideal world would only be on a cruise we would be on a cruise for a full year together For a full year. A full year.

A full year. In an ideal, I know, I know. And look, hey, hey, hey, I watch the news at 10. We don't live in an ideal world. I'm aware of that. It's a nightmare out of that. Where do you watch the news at 10? I haven't.

That implies that you just like watch it on your phone on the way home from a gig. Me on the Thames link. Look, can my stage time be, it can't be any later than 9.30 because I need to tune into the news at 10. Guys, I need the BBC News. Can I open tonight because I've got to watch the news at 10? Because you guys don't know what's happening out there. But it can't be the news at 7. It has to be the 10 o'clock.

I need a roundup of the day. Hey, look, I once watched the news at 6, mental. I lost four hours. Four hours of stuff. Can I also, can we go back to, because I think I was about to get a lovely compliment of why would you like to cruise specifically with me? Oh, welcome to the podcast. The podcast is here. Welcome to the podcast.

This isn't the extras. This is the main show. This is the main show. My name's Helen Bauer. This is Chloe Pets. Catherine Bohart is it. Dead. No.

Tenore. She's not. For a minute there, I was like, where's dead? Where's dead? Where is dead? Where is it? No, she's alive. She's alive.

She's alive. She's in Tenerife. Her hair's curly. Yeah. She's acting. She looks amazing on social. She always looks amazing. I think it's one of them ones where

The sun in the hair. But I also think having access to Ellen Robertson's wardrobe has been a real game changer for her because she was always very well-dressed and like always looked amazing. But now it's just gone to like another level. Do you know what I mean? Do you think it's also Charlie Clive's wardrobe?

I want to do a shout out to Charlie's wardrobe. Charlie Clive, yeah. I think that. The other one in the house, like Serena, sorry, it's nothing. Oh my God, do you know. Serena, your clothes. you're really bad. Serena, you're also valid and we want you to know that. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're the best one in that entire house. Your personality is the best one. You close a shite. Unlike us, because we know how to dress with our special, if you're not watching on YouTube, we're wearing special hats and adorable white tops. Have you noticed that the pigs were in a hat as well? Yeah, Bacon Hagen. What? It's called Bacon Hagen. Why is it called Bacon Hagen? Because it was a gift from Sophie Hagen and it's a pig. Right, okay. So, so. So, Wait, what are you saying?

We've got loads of threads. Catherine is not here. Catherine's not here. Get over it. Welcome to Trusted Hogg. Play the theme tune. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs.

Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh. It's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. And we're in the episode.

I think, I think we'd be a great cruise couple. Tell me more. Okay. You're great to share a space with. Because I've lived with you before. That was really nice. Thank you. You're respectful, delightful.

Yeah. Kind of like adorable. Respectful. I shake your hand every morning in the kitchen. But you're also adorable. Like you do adorable things with me. Like you let me watch like my musical theatre on YouTube. when you sing along with me.

This is, it's interesting because it's the same with like Sam Lake where when I say with Sam Lake in Edinburgh he'll put all of his YouTube's on and I just find it so interesting to have a look at someone else's culture and like I love it when you like fill me in on oh this is the Disney vlogger

whose catchphrases hello don't because you know you are unkind about the first time I showed you so don't try and play that as a nice thing I remember you and Rosie Jones literally bullying the crap out of me on a delayed train from Glasgow to London that was that was like six years Rosie Jones did us an absolute

solid on that one because the because it was like COVID like COVID was it beginning of COVID and we were all having to like make sure we got back to whatever city we lived in so we didn't get stuck in Glasgow so the train was rammed and we had nowhere to sit so Rosie Jones

it's offensive to say but it was her words went so disabled so disabled so disabled not just her she got a seat we all got a seat you know what I remember this it was Rosie Jones's radio show. Yeah. We were both in Glasgow to do it, but you had a show in London that evening.

So you did the early record and I came up early to watch your record before my record. Yeah. And you were like, I need to go as soon as my record is over. But the train got cancelled. So the lovely production company drive you to the station. Yeah. But the train is cancelled or severely delayed. And we're like, oh my God.

And Chloe, you were like, like, messaging us being like, I don't know what to do. I'm just going to wait here. I'm going to wait it out. And then you were like, I've got to pull my show tonight. There's no way I'm going to make it. And we were like, damn, we're literally. about to finish a record, we'll probably see you at the station. We get to the station.

The queue to get a train to London is obscene. Like, if you know Glasgow Station, it is outside of the station towards the taxi rank. And we were like, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? Rosie Jones. And they just don't know up the platform. Rosie put her arm through mine and went, I'm disabled. I need a seat.

And I was like, I cannot. I don't know. I can't do this. I can't do this. We walked up to you and joined you in the queue. insane yeah it was it was incredible it was incredible can i tell you a story of another incidents of rosy jones being rosy jones in melbourne a hundred and ten percent so this is quite like a delicate like anecdote to tell because i don't want anyone in the story to feel

bullied but it was we were in melbourne oh god why am i so nervous we were in melbourne it was like well i'll be interested to hear your opinion on this okay it was my partner's birthday and we had like a bunch like we had a big party and then some guy who he looked like he looked like he was into panic at the disco in the naughty's oh my god yeah do you know what i mean yeah but like yeah yeah kind of yassified like like a like a gay version of that oh so like not the spiky neon earrings like a hoop but still the t-shirt more like more like um like like like also could be a waiter at an all bar one do you know like skinny jeans black shirt like swoopy hair

but like also like sipping on a drink with a straw yeah like teenage me would have been like I found him yeah yeah yeah and then everyone would have been like that man is clearly gay and I'll be like he gets me yeah and you'd be like exactly

so he is just like sat there and he comes over to our table and we've been taking like pictures on a disposable camera using flash okay and he tries to ingratiate himself into the group by being like like why are you using flash in this lighting and we were like oh you know um because we're not photographers yeah we just yeah it was just on

and then he like he like then sits down next to two of my mates and it's like so tell me your story wait wait wait so like he comes they're just in the bar just this random guy he's like sat on his own and like I could see him peering over he comes over and nags us sits down next to two of my friends and go so tell me your story and we were all like for fuck sake and it was like he'd read that book called how to win friends and oh my god right helen what book do you think did you think to win friends and influence people oh okay that is actually a book yeah i thought you would try to go for how to succeed in business without really what fuck's that how to succeed in business without giving a fuck without even trying yeah how to

see they're that a musical yeah um danier agcliffe was Isn't it? Yeah. Brotherhood of man. There is a brotherhood of man. Helen. I feel so judged when I don't know a musical thing. I feel like I've let myself down and the community.

You have. Is this the one where he's like in a suit on Broadway and there's like loads of stuff on the internet about it? It's like him, Jonathan Graff and a woman. Yes, if it's. Okay. I've seen clips. She's seen fucking clips.

I've seen clips. Stop tweeting in. She's seen clips. So anyway, this guy starts, like, doing that thing where it's like, he's clearly read like a handbook of how to like get women, but he's trying it on friends. And we're like, we're all trying to not be judgmental because we're like clearly a lonely guy. Like you don't want to bully someone. You don't want to make anyone feel excluded. I totally get it.

But at the same time, you're like, don't do this. It's not now. Yeah, you're being so fucking annoying. Yeah. Like, no. So we're like, he clearly like burns all bridges with the two people

that he sat with and then he sort of like moves around the different sort of groups within the group. Oh, man. And we're like, we're all sort of going on what's going on. And then, do you know Virginia Gay? No. Virginia Gay is like,

darling of the Australian theatre scene. And she's like, she's like, she's like girl Ruben. Okay, she's like really sexual and really flirting. Okay, I love, I love. And she goes, she goes, darlings, I've got this. And then she like goes over and it's like, I'll crack him. She literally spends about 15 minutes with him, comes back looking like shell shot.

Like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Like, this guy's impenetrable. It's just like blocking. He's just constantly blocking. And just to check, Virginia was trying to like be like, leave us alone. Like, give it a bit of space. Virginia was trying to like, like I think she was trying to get to the,

point where she was like what's your trauma do you know what I mean like what's making you like yeah yeah yeah like let's break through and like like hand on the chest like but what's really going on yeah okay amazing she couldn't do it so then this guy has clearly like burned all of his bridges in the group the last group left

it contains me Rosie Jones Nicola Rosie Flowing who are Flowing Jones and Eloise F-Tos it's a pretty intimidating group I, this is a dream dinner party. Dream Blunt rotation. How's Halloween, I haven't seen an ages? So good, so funny.

She's a laugh and a half. She's like literally an angel. But anyway, we're all going like, oh fuck, he's coming over. Like, what do we do? What do we do? And I go, Rosie, I think it's time. And I just see her just like, her shoulders go up. Stop.

And he walks over and she starts fucking screaming. Just absolutely screaming. Like literally screaming. screaming oh she's an angel and then he but then he's still not put off and he sits down and we all sort of like get up and walk off because like

I think we're doing some kind of like birthday cake or something like this and then Rosie just goes he goes can I tell you a controversial opinion and Rosie just goes no and then that was that but isn't it

that's so bad in it because What the fuck is wrong with these people? Because I can't even do that with like my group of friends to work my way around the table. Do you know what I mean? But like, did we bully him? I'm worried we bullied him. I don't think so.

I think he was encroaching on a space that he wasn't welcome. But I would also feel like I bullied. Yeah, do you know what I mean? But I was, no, no, actually, no, no, I'm sorry. You didn't bully. You didn't bully. You booked a table. You were celebrating Eve.

You were having a nice time with everyone. and someone just decided to gate crash it and made everyone feel very uncomfortable and yet obviously people pick up on different social cues but to the point where like everyone is a bit uncomfortable and someone has tried but I do think there comes a point where we all just need to learn to say like hey we're doing our own thing right now

please leave us alone and it's just like just giving someone like this the clearest answer but they don't say that I wouldn't do it obviously I wouldn't do it but there were a lot of people at that table who were like confident like there were loads of people that would have done that but he was like just making it so awkward that he even sort of like took that out of our ass now it seemed no but I didn't bully him even when I went gay like your hair cut shit you bullied him you

bullied him you should have added that end at the beginning and then did you also like put your foot out when he was walking around the table so he tripped over gave him a big wedge he popped He said down the toilet. And did you do that thing when they fall over. And then when they get them back up, you put your hand on the back of their head so they can't raise up past their ass. That's so horrible.

Do you remember that from school? Yeah, did it happen to you, Helen? Oh, so many times. I would be like, ass in the air. Bend down to pick something up. Like, I don't know, anything. And then they'd be like this. And I'd be like, guys.

What's your... Guys, oh, please. We're all best mates. What's your favourite bullying technique? To do or to have done to me? No, just. in the theoretical space. Okay.

The, oh my God. Okay. The, okay, I can do my worst one first. The one that you like least. Yeah. Yeah, go on. It's when people whisper and then look at you. It breaks me.

It's fucking horrible. It breaks me. Even on stage, if someone whispers to someone next to them. And it's usually, it probably, I'm hoping, about my mood too suddenly is like oh my god yeah that's totally you

but I see them whisper and then turn back to me and if they see that I saw them they look guilty I'm like you just said something really mean about my labour like that's all I can think

but isn't it fucking mental that we've like put ourselves in a job where everyone's looking at us and when someone like does something we're like oh God they're judging me totally

do you remember at school as well when you'd be like sitting in class and someone would turn around and look at you and then face back. Actually, no. Okay, that was like a huge thing.

I remember so clearly in, I think it was year 10 English, there were this like row of girls that would sit in front of us and they turned around once and then they like looked each other and went, yeah. And then look back and I was like, what was that about? What was that about? What was that about? Was it the window? Was it the window?

So then like I turn and look out of the window, but there's nothing there. But I'm like, maybe I just missed it. Like it's just, oh my God, that kills me. Favorite bullying technique? Hit me. Is it hitting? Probably doing the impression of someone to their face.

Give me an example. I've done it to you so many times. Like, yo, I'm Chloe Pat. I'm in year nine. Yeah, but that's not bullying. I'm in geography. Miss, you're so fucking fit. You are fit, miss.

Wait, we've got to be in groups on the school trip. We've got to be in groups in the school trip. Miss, I want to be in your group. I want to be in your group. I want to be in your group. In that Trilby as well, it's really. Count me. I'll be your number one. I'll be your number one. One, two, three, four. I'll start if you miss. No worries.

Oh, you have to go to YouTube for that hat tip. That would, please. YouTube.com says trust I am awful for doing people to them. I do it to Catherine all the time. She hates it. We've all listened to this podcast. We do know. But like, that is the way that people have, people ask me, they're like, can you not do the impression of me to me? And I can't. There's like an added level of offence with Catherine as well because your impression is so shit and you're not meant to do the Irish as well. I don't think it's that bad. I think we say it's bad. But no. Helen, no! Ah! I'm, I love to run. Oh, I love it. Ah! Exercise. Um, yoga, bar. Um, overnight oats. Like, you know what I mean? You're doing like a different region of Ireland.

I don't think so. No, I think that's Cloncilla. That's Cloncilla. Tell me I'm wrong. You're wrong. Most of the time you try Catherine, you come out as Joanne McAnally. No. Oh, so try Joanne and then maybe you'll come out as Catherine.

I love Joanne's voice so much. Go on. Okay. Joanne, she's like, like, like, oh, that's better, yeah. Joanne. Well, um, give me, give me like a bit. Right, I'm doing my new show. Come along.

I do a podcast with Vogue, Vogue, Vogue. Me and Vogue are going to the, we're going to a wine mixer. Sometimes it gets there. Yeah, that last line was pretty good, the wine mixer. Yeah. But is that offensive? We'd have to ask her. A little bit.

Do not ask her. Go on the door. You could do like another cross podcast collaboration where you just, you go on. I did just do Vogue's podcast actually and had a lovely time. Maybe you could go on and host Joanne. and see if anyone notices that it's not her. I don't think they will. Because body-wise.

Very similar. You do the accent great. Wait, what's your bullying technique? What's the one you hate the most? The one I hate the most. Being pantsed. No, I quite like being pants. It's funny.

That's your favourite one. Maybe my favourite one is being pants. You have the energy of someone who gets pantsed and is like Slayer lover breeze. I like to feel the wind beneath my wings and then also someone who would enjoy doing it being like, bleh.

I think like the silent treatment or like a sudden changing behaviour. Do you know what I mean? I so do. I remember there was this group of girls because I was a bit of a like social group floater up until about year nine and there was this group of girls

that I like got in with for a bit and there was like the pop one and then her like right hand man and they were like tight oh my god and I came into this group and initially they found me quite amusing and sort of like a bit court gesture and thank and you felt like I found a space I found a space I've got my place here I've got my place here I don't need dignity here as long as you're giggling everyone again I'm doing a Helen Bauer I'm tumble tooting I'm I'll fart for you I'll fart for you I'll fall over and put your hand on the back of the back of my head I don't even care because actually I think it's funny I think it's really funny I think

I'm laughing. I'm laughing whilst you're laughing. And I've laughed so hard that I've pissed myself. And that's funny. You're allowed to laugh at that. The piss pack. I feel really seen. Anyway.

So you got in? So I got in. And then I noticed that they would always be like the person who was like in the friendship group who was like the one on the outside where like it would be like we don't like them this week. Yeah. And I was always a bit like, well, that's really mean. We shouldn't be doing that. And then when it came to my week, where I was the one that they didn't like for no reason. Oh, babe.

It was, oh, it was horrifying me. Because there's nothing you can do because you've actually done nothing wrong. So there's nothing you can do to like, and I just remember over here and one of them just going like, oh, gosh, she's so annoying. And I was like, for fuck sake. I so know that. And I think I'd repressed it. Is everyone getting triggered in this room, Zofia? You look like you're a bit, okay, okay.

Andrew, obviously, yeah. I was. It's a gay boy in Hampshire. It's not going to be easy, is it? When I was in, like, primary school, I guess, like, eight or something. Yeah. I was, like, the sort of pet thing of the year six is, so they were, like, 10, 11. They thought I was...

What do you mean the pet then? Well, they thought I was, like, I was very precocious, and, you know, they thought I was amusing to have around. But then one day, one of them didn't want me around. It was really bad. Why? What change? Fancy did you?

Yeah, the only thing I can assume is that... this 10 year old fancied my eight year old self yeah yeah probably i reckon so but he pushed me to the ground oh no and then did he put his hand under the back of your head so you can get up again is that big thing at your school if he did that changes things we like that we're back on his side if he did that we're back on his side because it is funny because we all if we're laughing it's not it's not brilliant yeah if more than 50 10 people laugh it is it's okay right yeah yeah yeah yeah it's just a gig yeah that's just a gig oh my god your phone just buzzed yeah yeah Buzz, it's on airplane, it's telling me that I'm on trusty hog.

Oh my God, right now, I'm not on aeroplane, should I be? I should be, I'm going to turn on an airplane. You regularly take phone calls on this podcast. Oh, actually, I'm taking it off aeroplane. Yeah. Because you never know. You never know. If Marianne calls, it's good content.

Oh, you, you're getting a clip out of it. People were messaging me, so obviously I was just in, we were both in Brighton this week. Yeah, yeah. Doing the Brighton fringe. Thank you so much for everyone to came to see me and Chloe Pets. Yeah. I'm sure a lot of you actually saw both of us. Well, there was.

two little Gen Zia's in the front row who got up and went to the toilet at the same time and I was like that's strange I don't think that's right I think like you grow out of that when you're 17 going to the toilet oh my god I still like going to okay never mind no but I think like there's certain contexts I love to help wiping

you need help wiping it's my one of many favourite things to say that and like because it's like wiping a mark a mark a markup well oh yeah that's fun That is funny. It is funny. My mate, so oftentimes I'll like get a mate to come to the toilet because of transphobia, for example.

But my mate that came with me in Australia would always walk into the toilet, like my mind, but she walked into the toilet and she just shout, don't worry, guys, I'm just about to suck him off. Please tell me then you walked into the bathroom after going like, oh, fuck. Fuck in hell, ladies. That was a good time. Doing vocal exercises. But, yes, so two little Gen Zias came to my gig, and then after, they were like, we're going to see Helen Bauer tomorrow, and I said, oh, in that night.

Isn't that nice, though? You've got a Pets Bauer double header. Isn't that a lot? Yeah. But it's doable. And make sure you come see us both at the Edinburgh Fringe. I will be at 3.20pm. You have a little break, and then Chloe is at 6.

7.30, 7.7 p.m. in the Pleasance courtyard. So I'd say, see me, 320, actually, to 420. I have a dinner. Have a look at the castle. Have a dinner. Chau Roma, I would recommend. Chau Roma at 6. Chau Roma at 6 o'clock. Go and get yourself a massive plate of pasta. Fucking do it. So by the time you're in my show, you're falling asleep from all the cream. Oh.

Yeah. And I'll wake you up. I don't think, yeah. You're too funny for people to fall asleep. unless it's like a medical thing in which case like they're going to sleep have a have an app pay for a an app for an app for now and that's what I would do at fringe wait I have to tell you hi I'm Kristen Bell and if you know my husband Dax then you also know he loves shopping for a car selling a car not so much we're really doing this huh thankfully Carvana makes it easy answer a few questions put in your van or license and done we sold ours in minutes this morning and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon.

Bye, Truckee. Of course, we kept the favorite. Hello, other truckie. Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply. This is Car Tracks with Turtle Wax. Your car says a lot about you. So if we asked your car what it would say about you, what would it say?

Oh, listen, you dropped one of those tiny cheeseburgers under the sea. like last week, and now we're both dry heaving at the stench. Do us a favor, grab some turtle wax, and let's get to work. This has been Car Tracks with Turtle Wax. You are how you car. Hi, I'm Doreena, co-founder of Open Phone. My dad is a business owner, and growing up, I'll never forget his old ringtone. He made it as loud as it could go, because he could not afford to miss a single customer call.

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Open phone, no missed calls, no missed customers. Very avant-garde podcasting that you did the advertisements just in the middle of the show there rather than saying it at the end. I'm natural now. No, I'm so good at podcasting. That's what I was saying. then I segue in the middle into promo and then I get back out because we were talking about Brighton

and I remember that because I'm following a thought thread in Brighton every year I stay at my dad's flat because I'm like why would I not? It's like it's killing two birds at one stone I get to do shows to the lovely folks of Brighton and I get to visit my father but my father decided

that because my brother was down at a conference as well And that my sister lives with him He was like, fuck that You can't have three bower children He's like fuck that I'm having nothing to do with it He booked into a holiday inn in Southampton He went

Yeah, he laughed How devastating is that I literally My sister wrong me And she's like Dad's gonna book a hotel Because he doesn't want to see you and Ted And I was like okay

Ha ha ha you're so mean Where did you get that from And she's like no seriously And then I arrive In the afternoon To like just like chill at my sister's before and my sister's, it's not her flat. It's not my dad's, he rents it.

What the fuck am I doing? I arrive there and, um, dad's like, real landlady energy there. I know. Yeah. Renters, it's not their place. Just to be clear, I own. He doesn't. I own.

I own. And you know how much it cost? A million pounds. And do I have cash to spare? Yeah, loads of it. She's bawling. Join Patreon. Look at her hat.

She's bawling. Clearly, clearly. I'm going on holiday to Barbados. When? Just for a day. Why not? I don't give a fuck. But, um, I get there.

He's got his suitcase packed and he's like, yeah, I'm going to go stay in Southampton for the night. It's like, why Southampton? He's like, it's just a lot on the coast. Do you think he's got a girlfriend there? Well, that'd be a bit harsh to his girlfriend in Brighton. Oh, shit. But he could have different, he'd have different hoes in different post codes. You say my daddy sleeps with hose.

Yeah. You calling my mama a whore? Why are we doing this? Are you calling my mother a hole? Yeah, sure. I'm calling Amber. Yeah, she fucking loves it. You live it up, mum.

I support you 110%. Whatever you want to do. Your body, your choice. How about that? It's what it was. So I'm doing my shows in Brighton. Obviously, like, I've just found out I've got gallstones and have to have an operation. Yeah.

But, like, I can't, like, it's in my, it has to be in my show, right? Like, I can't not. You can't not talk about goals. You can't not talk about goals. It's like, when Dan Tien and got gout, it's like, well, obviously it's got to be the gout hour. Exactly. Exactly. And I'm, like, I'm talking about, like, you know, food and, like, binge anything problems.

Like, you can't. can't do that without doing gallstones yet. People will be like, they get to the end, they'd be like, where was the gullstone bit? Where was the gallstones? It's mental you haven't mentioned it yet. So I'm obviously like trying to write during the day. But at the same time, I don't know what's happening with the gallstones as of Wednesday. I know now, but as of the first day in Brighton, I had an MRI first thing Monday morning.

And I'm waiting for results to find out if a stone is moved. And that's why my liver is swollen. That's why the main problems at the hospital and why I had to keep going back in is because my liver was like, the bad naughty not good and they're like we need to see if a stone has gone towards your pancreas or someone like that to be frank i wasn't really listening after the winchester comment and why should you you're so pretty you don't need to i'm only very small yeah and at the hospital very frightening yeah very frightening and it's not not appropriate for helen to listen it's none of my business it's not my business it's their business and so i'm waiting on MRI results but the morning of the thursday

I am vulnerable to my sister and I've never regret to something more in my life Oh fuck The deal was that I had a Zoom at 11am And then we'd go watch Lilo and Stitch Opening week, obviously, we're not morons What do you mean? Opening week of Lilo and Stitch

What do you mean? What do you mean? No, you can't, what do you mean me back? Lilo and Stitch. Yeah, I know what Lilo and Stitch is. Leeloo? No, don't. It was a mouth typo.

You don't do that to me. Lilo and Stitch. it's a film but are they re-releasing it or some shit what do you mean they've re-made it as a live action leo instead you're fucking kidding who raised you what have you been watching not that

what's on your algorithm um like quite a lot of murder and football just murder and football I forget that we're different sometimes they've remade leila and stitch into a live action so that's the next one on the

it's adorable so how have they done that what's stitch up to Man in a gosh team... No. CGI. Whoa. I'd quite like to see that. It's really good.

The Guardian gave it one star. Yeah, but fuck the Guardian, man. That's what I thought. And also, like, my brother said it because he was staying down there and he was like, oh, if you're going to see Liam and Stitch tomorrow, the Guardian gave it one star. And, like, for context, it's Cannes this week.

What sort of fucking reviewer is at Cannes interviewing Wes Anderson and then be like, one second, I've got to go watch Stitch and write a review up about it. Don't give a Disney, it's a film for children and people with neurodivirondency. Yeah, imagine. Stop giving it one star. Like, just shut the, no one cares.

Imagine if Marianne Bauer have been like, oh, I don't really want to see it now. Now that the Guardian's giving it one star. Pop your hat back on. Sorry, I just got really upset, so I took my hat off. One Star from The Guardian for a kid's film. Just like, just fuck off. Yeah, grow up.

I think it's a strong case of grow up. Like, so insane to me that you're even spending the time. Drew and Can. During Can I. Can I also ask you a question? Yeah. Which is, what do you think of the live action remakes for the Disney? In general, not my favourite

That's a thing, in it In general, not my favourites But this, I was charmed, I got emotional Wow And it was very funny It's beat for beat the same film It is beat for beat for beat The same film

There's a couple of differences I don't want to give it away Because I feel like There are a couple of little things But in general it is the same film Her name's Lelu now The name's Lilo now Actually, it's Lilo and Stitch

And it's about Experiment 326, 306 I can't remember now Going out on a waterbed Lilo and Stitch It's just Stitch going around the ocean It's like that Blake Lively film What's it called with the Sharks Around the Boy

And then she's just holding onto it Is it called Sharks Around the Boy? You know the Blake Lively film? Shadows Sharks around the boy, shallows Sharks around the boy with Blake Lively Okay so you go and see

Lila and Stitch But I get a message that morning So I'm supposed to be getting my MRI results The day before But I haven't got them yet So Thursday morning, I wake up, I send an email to the doctors and the MRI clinician has been like, hey, just wondering you've got the MRI results because I'm waiting to be able to schedule surgery and to get that confirmed, they need to know where all of my stones are. And there was like a concern at the hospital that one of them had moved. Oh, yeah.

Right. So how many stones have you got? I don't know. I didn't ask, but they, I was, I did say like, they were like, it's not a dissolve. We need to get rid of the organ. Like we're getting a... Stop saying we need to get rid of the organs. The org...

We're getting rid of the bladder. What are you talking about? It's called a gallbladder. Is it not? Yeah. So the gallbladder's getting... They're taking my gallbladder away. What, you don't need a gallbladder?

I don't think so. Google that. No. It's primary function is to store and concentrate bile a fluid produced by the liver that aids in fat digestion necessary. From what I understand is if you lose your...

It's not essential. Thank you. It's just dripping. It's just constantly dripping. Basically, your bile will flow directly to the digestive system instead of through the gallbladder. But we must be there for a reason.

I think it's from feast or famine times. I think it's one of those organs that we haven't evolved out of having where it's like... AIDS in digestion, yeah, yeah. So it came from when we'd like be like cavemen and we'd be running around and eat like a whole bore and then not eat for seven days. Because what's so crazy about you, Helen,

is that you'll say something which is fucking ridiculous. What do you mean? I'm not going to qualify that. And nine out of ten times, it will be like nonsense. What do you mean? One out of ten times it will be like, that's, you've actually been really smart. Because you kept going, I need an organ out. I need an organ out.

I don't think you need an organ out. I do. But you do need an organ out. I do need an organ out. I just think that's just a lesson in just you believing her. But I think. Say I believe her. I believe her.

But I think that's mental. Women are liars and hauls. And you and I both know that. Okay. Carry on with your story. Sorry. Do you want some blueberries? Okay. So I send a message being like,

I'm panicking. You're having blueberries. You're stressed. Can I have one actually? You can have as many as you like. How many is as many? Half. I don't want half as too many. I take these two and then I'll see all the guy. Yeah.

I don't know what the taste they are. They're good ones. They are good ones. Sweetest fruit. MNS has the sweetest fruit in my opinion. Sorry to everyone who hates us eating on podcast. We do read those comments. We do note them and then,

inevitably do it every month. These are soft. I want to eat this now, but I want to keep talking. Keep talking. Okay. But like mental decision that you just remember that. Yeah, I can't, you know what? Forget about it.

I'm vulnerable because I sent a message. I get a message back with me asking for my MRI results from the doctor being like, oh, they want a phone call. Like the doctor wants to talk to you on the phone about your MRI results. Yeah. But because I am trying to, like, fast track this process because I don't know how much I said on the last episode, but basically it transpires that even though they said I would have surgery in three to four months at the hospital with the NHS, it now won't be until next year. And there's a chance that it would be significantly into next year. Oh, shit.

I've had a look at it. I've had a look at my life. I've spoken to my therapist. I am going to be, I'm currently getting the money together so I can go private. And that's the most important thing to spend my money on, so I'm not ruining my relationship with food. However Here's a pitch Go on

Go turkey Get a boob job I hope they steal it That's the thing Right Because I'm like If I'm going under Let's get stuff done

And you know I don't want a boob job But I want to lift Right So like if we're doing that Is that not a boob job Is it? I don't know I think boob

Always means like for me Like size change Right Right right And like I can't Like obviously My life would be better If my boobs were smaller

However What else have I really But our lives Would be a lot worse That's the thing And what else am I doing Yeah you know, with my life.

You're not here for your brain. I'm not contributing to society. You're here for your tits. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. So go turkey. So go turkey.

But I'm trying to get surgery scheduled. But they messaged me being like, oh, we need to talk. She wants to talk to about MRI results. So immediately I'm like, oh my God, if they found something, it's just something wrong. There's something wrong. And then they were like, it'd be £200 for the phone consultation. And I was like, I can't pay that. Like I'm still trying to find the $7,000, $7,000 to get this.

because I, hand on heart, if you're a patron, you'll know a lot of this already. I've done binge eating recovery. I finally managed to get a good relationship with food. I took six months out of like my main life last year to be able to get a good relationship with food. And now I have to be on this super restrictive diet. Yeah. And if I have to do that for a year, I know, I just know myself well enough that I am

going to fuck my brain. I'm going to fuck my brain. I'm going to see significant weight loss. And instead of being like, whatever, I'll be like, oh my God, this is the answer. I'll never have fag. Like, it's going to be bad. So I'm getting the seven together.

They're like, you need to pay £200 for a consultation to get your MRI results. I'm like, no, no, I can't. There's no, there's no money to spare. So I email back and I'm just like, look, is it totally necessary this consultation? Yeah, I paid for the MRI. Please give me my results. Like, I can't, I'm not. I think I said I'm having a cash flow problem is what I said, which felt right.

That's classic. But then obviously That's classic Because it's like It is right It's like Yeah My money's just tied up

In the Cayman Islands Is that what it sounds like Yeah I think it does Yeah And in that hat It's not outside I wasn't wearing the hat When I sent the email

Well next time you're Next time you're Right in the emails Yeah Or you're having a consultation Whether it be phone Or in person Pop it on Facebook

Can I take this hat with me I think Yeah We're all okay Okay I'll say yes From everyone Because then it

People are just got to think her money's in the Cayman Islands. Yeah, her money's in the Cayman Islands. That's where it is. Obviously. And then they'll be like, I'll be like, do you go to the Cayman Islands often? And they'll be like, yeah. And I'll be like, me too.

I just sail there all the time. And they'll be like, where is it? And I'll be like, Is it in the Caribbean? Is it? Is it in the Caribbean? Where are the Cayman Islands? Yeah. It feels Indonesian.

I'm pretty sure there. Don't say it feels Indonesian. It does. It does. They are in the Western Caribbean Sea. Damn it. Okay. Take out the Indonesian.

Andrew. I'm not editing anything in this episode, Kevin. No. I'm happy saying, um,

Cayman Islands, isn't that in the Western Caribbean sea? Get rid of the island. Get rid of Indonesia. Do you? Not the country. Lovely place.

Haven't been. Haven't been. I had lovely things. I had lovely things. I had lovely things. He doesn't like a Nazi gaurang. I do. I know I do.

Would you like a problem? No, not quite yet. We're not done with the story. Sorry. Sorry. But I'm vulnerable with my sister and I'm like,

oh my God. Like, I think. feel like they're now not going to maybe they're not going to get back to me with my results today because I sent this email but I can't afford the 200 pounds but obviously now all I'm doing is worrying because they've got my results. They need to talk to me on the phone. Holy shit, they found something. Yeah. And I've got no one to talk to about this because I'm with my sister walking to the cinema to watch Lilo and Stitch and she's going around in my head and I'm

like, oh my God, I should call Francis and I was like, no, because I know us and like Francis is the best but we get each other. Well, I'll get her up and then I'll start getting emotion. and then Marianne's going to be like so like her worst nightmare so I'm just sort of like walking along I just say to Marianne I'm like I'm sorry your sister's very stressed at the moment because she had to have a scan

because of her gallstones which we've already discussed because of like Helen's on a special diet so stop like eating mortises in front of her please stop eating more teasers in front of her stop throwing them at Helen okay you throw them and let's be done with this like we've had a lot of chats about it

and then I was like so they've done a scan but they want to talk to me about it And it's probably all fine, but I'm just worried they found something. And she just looked me in the eye and she went, yeah, they've probably found cancer, haven't they?

And I was like, are you fucking joking? Are you joking? And she was like, that would be so funny. I was like, you are a fucking psychopath. Helen,

tell me that is not how you would react. If anyone else, if I came to you and said, I think they probably found something, you've got probably cancer. You can't, you can't say this stuff. Maybe, maybe, maybe I'd say that.

But I would also have the emotional ability to have the discussion after it. To like, be like, I take it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or to at least be like, hey, that worry's totally founded. I'm telling you now, it's nothing. This is just protocol. Yeah. But instead, she was like, oh my God.

Oh, my God. But that means the whole way through watching Lilo and Stitch, I think I'm about to get a diagnosis. Yeah, but why did you listen to her? I never, I don't know why I spoke to her. The thing, no, but she, the thing is, like, she's not the brightest spark. So why did you listen? She's, she's mean sometimes.

She's mean, yeah. She's mean. And then I'm like, so hard to watch Lilo and Stitch when you think you're about to get the news. You know what I mean? And I never leave my phone on in the cinema. But luckily, it was a really sunny day in Brighton. And it was just me, her and another two women in screen one. Like, we had space.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got the email and they were like, They said they would waive the fee and that we could just talk. So by the way, if you ever, I've never done private medical before, but if you are doing private medical, you can be like, are you serious? Like, I'm not, I can't pay this. Money's in the Cayman Islands. Yeah, money's in.

If you need a trial, we can lend you it. I'm having cash flow problems. And then I got this and then they call me and they're like, oh, like, all good. We just need to talk through the operation again because you just need to consent. They're like, you know, like, yeah, there's a risk of infection, a risk of internal bleeding. and then I come out and I tell my sister I'm like don't forget about everything I said everything's fine I'm going to have the operation and she went oh my god and I could see her face and I was like I shouldn't have said anything I should have just I just I don't know why I'm talking you are the

most mental person to talk to you right now you've got no sympathy and your special interest is death like that's realistically like this is a terrible choice imagine being autistic and the one you get is death I know I know me and um me and my friends whenever like my friends who like know marianne and hang out with her like could you imagine doing a season of lovers um love on the spectrum but like chucking marianne in the mix do you know what I mean just for really sweet people on her who special interests are like Disney and uh country music and they're just like angels and my sister just there being like if you had to be tortured which method which is juice like that is autism and let's discuss

that side of it as well imagine marian going on a date with tanna And Tana would be like, ruin that boy. And actually, my favorite method of torture is hanging. Oh, I love Tana so much. My sister would ruin him. She'd ruin his worldview. I'd be awful. But I said, do I'm having an operation?

She's like, you're going to go under? And I'm like, yes. And she is very sweet for a minute. She's like, do you want me to come and take care of you? I'll move in with you and I can cook you food. That's not sweet. Obviously, I'm not taking her up on it. That would be fucking mental.

And my dad's in the background being like, oh, yeah, definitely go stay with Helen. and that's a really nice idea, Marianne. I'm looking at him because he's back from Southampton. And I'm like, obviously, no, dad. Obviously, that's a terrible idea. He's like, no, that'd be brilliant. I'll drop her off. No worries.

And I'm like, I'm having an operation dad. And he's like, very good. That really is your dad. Everything is like with like a sort of sarcastic chuckle. Very good. Yeah. So then she says to me that they are putting you under. And I was like, yes.

And she went, is it a hospital in London? And I was like, yeah. And she went, I know all the hospitals in London teaching hospitals. And I went, yeah, and she went, do you know what happens when you get put under at a teaching hospital? And I was like, well, you go under and they do the operation. How does she know whatever she's about to say next? This is what I had to talk to my brother about because she said, it's really, Helen, you know what's going to happen, you're going to go to sleep. They're going to start their surgery.

And then they're going to go juniors. Did she say it like that? They're going to go juniors. Did she say it like that? No joke. Juniors, juniors. And all the junior doctors are going to run in with their knives. and they're just going to have a play.

No, that's... And I'm like, where the fuck? Where the fuck did you get that from? That's like Middle England bullshit that, like, everyone is... Everyone's practicing on bodies. Like, where the fuck did they... And it turns out, let's bring it all back.

This is a callback for the beginning of the show. She's watching the news at 10 with my dad. She's getting the BBC propaganda. And then he's obviously filtering it through his brain. And then he's saying to her, like, yeah, yeah, you go an operation on the NHS. It's just junior doctors playing around just having a guess on it because I'm so short-staffed.

You can't say that the BBC said that on the news at 10. You can't say that. Basically. If it was something that your dad said, then you can't say that the BBC said it. Well, I've done it now. Sorry, BBC. Is that what I'm saying?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Where's Catherine? Go in hell. Catherine. I miss you.

Catherine, either way, either way, I'm going to have an operation and I'm so ready to get this thing out of me. When are in the operation? Hopefully. July 17th. Oh, that's, okay, okay. But like, there's basically, it's, I'm going to have to recover in Edinburgh,

is the main thing. It's just the trickiness is getting to Scotland. Are you doing anything with eggs in this show? I'm worried about that. I had to tell them in the hospital. What? Because they were like, when like the first trip, they were like, oh, have you ever had digestive problems before?

You know when you're like, okay. Let me tell you about the eggs. Like, you know when you got an egg under your tip? Oh, and you're watching that. And you leave it there for seven hours. And then you eat at the end of your stand-up comedy show. You do it every day for a month. That was fucking funny, Ellen.

I know. I always think, like, maybe, and also, like, don't let this put you off the NHS for Gaulsons, because some of you might get surgery faster. I literally, I think I speak, and I see doctors going, like, oh, don't saver. Like, it's not worth it. Like, I said to the doctor. I must have said this last week. Like, at the end of them being that you've got gallstones, your digestive system is just

not going to be working. properly this is why you're getting triggered and having these gallstone attacks yeah and i was like oh god okay this explains everything and i was like oh is that why i shit myself in winchester and the doctor went no that's not connected and you know when you just see someone go like oh fuck it like they were just like they were just like they were just like we're trying this new um um euthanasia yeah rochette and we we think you might like to be a pioneer Fucking hell, Helen. Oh.

You've also... Come here, you've also just rubbed mascara all down your face. No, I don't think it's mascara. I think I've been playing with that straw, that paper straw so much. I got black all over my hands from the straw dye then I've touched my face.

Is that what it is? I don't know, Helen. Probably. Okay. You've probably got straw dye on your face. Oh my God, and I've got a date tonight. Tell us! I've told it in the extras.

I mean, I already did the extra. Can you tell me after? Yeah, yeah, obviously. I'll show you pictures. Yeah. Isn't that cool, though? I think that's really fucking I know me and my gallstones are going on a date

we're going on a date me and my stones you and your stones it would be nice to it'll feel nice to have the backup do you know what I mean I think so yeah and then yeah do you want to come to the surgery day I thought you want to say come to the date tonight no you mustn't I don't know that I want to come to the surgery

day oh really can you like can you watch it like court do you know what I mean like I can ask as far as I'm concerned if I'm paying for it it's my shirt do you want me to like um i could come and sort of like deliver like deliver the stones like a baby and then i'll make sure that we hold on to the stones and we can name them because that's all i want so eddie and senil are coming to watch them we want triplets we want triplets we want triplets yeah

wait can i do a gender reveal for my stones i can i do a one second can i do a gender reveal because i've done an ultrasound i'm pretty sure that they're all non-binary are they i think all gallstones are non-binary yeah i kind of love that for me. Yeah. I want, I want that. I want like a bunch of non-binary stones. Which are all called like classic non-binary names like Axel and brick. Which are just characters from the middle. And then a Sue, just chuck a Sue in there, just in the mix. Axel brick and Sue. With a non-binary babies, my baby non-binary stones as well. You know like at the beginning when you play Pokemon and people do it online when they lay out a charm and a bulbosaur and a piece. A squirrel. A squirrel

Jesus Christ. And a Pikachu? No. You can choose from... You can't choose a Pikachu at the beginning of the game. You always could back in my day. What day? We're from the same day.

Pikachu, Bulbosaur, Charmanda. You catch a Pikachu but you don't get a choice of Pikachu at the beginning. Okay, fine, okay, fine. Say, sorry, I was wrong. No. Say, Helen, I have been... I was mistaken, you have corrected me. No.

Damn it! One day someone's going to say it and I'm going to hear it and know how that feels. Helen, you cannot tell me that you haven't bullied someone into saying that already. No. Again, we've all listened to the fucking podcast. Right. So, at the beginning, so you can choose a Charmander or a Bulbosaur or a squattal. Yeah.

And I'll line up all my stones and I'll be like, okay. And you choose one of your children. And then the rest get thrown back into the wild. No, no, no, no. I love them all equally. Yeah. I love them all equally. And then obviously when they get personalities, I'll start like wheedling them through.

There's always going to be one way. You're like, come on. Also, we'dle shout out to the Pokemon people. That was a little wordplay there. First ever wordplay. No one got it in the room, but it was actually. I think I got it. It was actually brilliant.

Yeah. It was actually brilliant. But I could lay out like different toys, like some that are just sort of like general and then some that are like heavily femme and then heavily masked toys like traditional 90s style. Yeah. And then see which ones they pick. Oh. Right?

Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's how gender works. I think it might be. Yeah. I think it might be. So if they run towards like, you know, like some toy soldiers, then you're like, that's a little

yeah exactly yeah exactly or um a non-binary person who just fucking loves killing you know what I mean like you never know you never know what you're going to get I'll have one more blueberry now yeah go on do we do we do a those are they are they genuinely yeah they I've do I have to pay you anything for these are they free so I'm a bit of a cash flow situation having a bit of a cash flow if anyone does have a cash flow seven grand lying around send it in maybe we could offer for a top tier Patreon, seven grand. What do they get for it?

Someone will do that. My stones, they get my stones. Someone will do that. One of your weird little listeners will do that. No one can do that. You're not allowed to keep bodily things, are you? That's too much. That's what they said to me.

They're like, you can't keep medical waste. I don't understand why, because like... It's mine. Yeah, and what's that going to do? Like, he's not going to start the new COVID, just Helen having three stones sat on the side, that she's called Axel, Brick and Sue. That's...

And I'm going to keep him. I'll probably hand them out to people enough. You know, like, you know, when it's like you're going to someone's birthday and you haven't got them a gift, so you'd have to like make something up from your house. You're going to random birthday parties being like, hmm, here's Axel. Happy birthday. I have my teeth. I have my braces field. I'd take four teeth out, actually.

I've got them all if anyone wants any. I'll guess teeth are slightly different. Yeah. How, though? Did you name them? Do I name them? Can we name them? Yeah, can we?

Yeah, sure. What's, which teeth are they like? They were, what their personalities like? They were very. boisterous they took up a lot of space in my mouth grace grace yeah yeah all of them no one of them grace because grace is a boisterous right they're not very graceful i don't see no ladies here next one do you know name one the boisterous one grace too grace too i can see a pattern emerging it or what about the third one have you got like a canine

or an incisor is there one that's like a bit more violent than the other no no they're all the same exact same tooth like mirrored you know okay so we've got grace one and grace two okay i call one andrew yeah baby andrew baby andrew little like tooth andrew tooth andrew andrew and then there's got to be like some kind of some kind of like too do like a word play one yeah like a word play like okay um like 230 or like dentist um mo mow mowlo tooth blackburn tooth blackburn too's blackburn And it says Tony Backburn. Well, my grandma was called Ruth Blackburn. Done.

Done. That's the name. Grace, Grace 2, Truth Andrew and Tooth Blackburn. Brilliant. Glad we sorted that out. Ruth Blackburn. Gers a problem there. Yeah, it's a problem.

Sorry. I should have jumped in with this much earlier. Yeah, you should have. All of that is your fault. I'd like to say, you did try. I did. Give yourself a break. You tried. I really like co-hosting this podcast because it... I love having you.

Well, it just doesn't feel any different to when I'm just like listening at home. I'm just like, off you go, Helen. I love that you still listen. Are you washing your blueberries in that water? Yeah. You're not supposed to wash the fruit. Wait, do we not wash our fruit? Shepherds wash their blueberries. This is from W.

Wash before use. Wash before you. I haven't been washing. I know. And I already ate two that weren't washed, but then I just remembered you should wash your fruit. I feel like they're discovering their backsides. I also think that unwashed blueberries are the least of your problems, Helen.

And I know, right? I know for a fact that you are washing them in your glass of water and you are going to drink that glass of water. Yes. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Okay. For those that are listening at home rather than watching, she's now

got a bunch of blueberries floating around in a glass of water, which she just necked like it was weird. bubble tea? Just do the fucking problem. You know what? If you're out home right now, if you're out and about,

grab yourself some water, get a bunch of blueberries, mix them up, enjoy. That's no problem, sorry. When I bought my last car, I felt totally overwhelmed. Is this the right price?

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that you're safe with location sharing and place alerts get peace of mind today at greenlight.com slash protect that's greenlight.com slash protect this is from w hi w hi hogs my partner and I want to start a family do it we are cis women in our mid 30s gold stones the answer is gallstones get just really lean into what how do you get gallstones what do you mean how'd you get them how do you oh I think like a build up of bile or um cholesterol can form into it it does two different ways

so just do some cholesterol form it cholesterol form and get yourself three little gallstones um in plates of gallstones we would also need a sperm donor yeah so we've asked my brother who is also gay and he's agreed to be our sperm donor exciting it's a very lengthy process and we are working through the first steps which involved the donor doing some pre-testing for things like SDDs, STDs, and genetics. Now, my brother recently got his results back and he's

tested positive for some lesser-known STIs that are not commonly tested for. He started a course of antibiotics, but this means we need to delay donations while this happens. Because the STIs are not regularly tested for, in order for my brother's not risk reinfection, he would likely need to not have sex. Sorry. Not have sex. Not have sex. Until donation, which may be two to three months. Was that the first time you've ever said sex, Andrew?

Yeah, yeah. And he's blushing. I love you, little Andrew. My brother isn't sure he can do this, or at least he wants us to push back his donation dates until the winter so he can fully enjoy his summer. Right. Yeah, but then he's going to get another round of STIs

and then we're back in the same spot again. Oh, yeah. But also, how do you have that conversation with your brother to be like, stop fucking? yeah like stop fucking like we've both got brothers could you do that conversation absolutely not no way I've tried

yeah God bless me I've tried he's a stud sorry Ted keep going this is where I'm stuck I don't want to damage my relationship with my brother but I feel it's selfish of him to ask us for this in what was already a lengthy

ordeal it seems like he's prioritising his fun sex over me I keep trying to remind myself that being a donor It's his choice, not his obligation, but I'm struggling a bit because I don't think I do the same thing in his shoes. I'm debating switching our donor plans to an unknown donor, which isn't my preference. But then I don't have to depend on my brother's decisions at least. Any advice. Thanks, W. Whoa.

Tricky, big one. I've got a first instinct. Oh, God. Okay, I'm ready. Switch, switch donors. If it's difficult now, like, I'm not saying this, I fucking hope this. process is a case of like the first embryo goes it implants it touches it works but like it's that sounds already like there's opinions and different ways of doing things and yes it I might this is

this is purely first instinct but I would I would find a different donor I agree I think I agree with that if it's hard now yeah I also think with the emotions of it is like It's like quite a dangerous headspace to get into when you're going like, I wouldn't treat someone in this way. It's like, well, they've just got different standards to you and it doesn't mean that they're necessarily wrong. Totally. And it doesn't mean they don't care about you.

It's probably what's going on is like there's probably just a bit of ignorance from W's brothers side where it's like. Not realizing how big of a deal it is to wait and how long this process can be. Because I think like I've got I've got some mates that are going through like, you know, wanting to get. pregnant at the moment and I have to like really remember to like empathize how massive and big it feels for other people because to me it's just like maybe I want kids maybe I don't like it just does it feels like so minor in my life but to other people it's a life it's a whole life and it's major but

he's not understanding that right now or feeling that because he's just like I just do it like kind of on my timeline so like I think try not to get into that headspace of like if he loved you he would behave differently he's just in a different headspace and a different plane of of like thinking at the moment and i think yeah just get a different donor right i'd start i just i don't know but i also totally get what you're coming from because i do that it is not my favorite like thing about myself but i'll be like well i would never do that to you that's not how i would do it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i just think it and then it just gets like all funny in my head of me being like well I wouldn't do that but I don't yeah I just think it sounds like you're just on

different pages with this but also I mean I'm ignorant to it but I know enough of friends who have to do it like it's expensive and difficult finding the right sperm donor and there's something nerve-wracking about it because there's a lot of unknowns but also like think of all the things that you do know about your brother you're like well I want my baby to have that I want my baby to have that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I just am amazed that you, that this person would have such a relationship with their brother that they'd be like, yep, that's the perfect father for my child. My brother's fucking disgusted. My brother's muttered. I love him. He's a great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to our brothers. But like, I'm thinking, in general, though,

in general. I'm thinking, sure, my kid would be tall, lovely. That's fine, but they'd get the tall from us. Yeah. Well, probably not from me. If it's, I, I don't, no, I'm not making a baby with my brother. I was going to say it. I don't think the sperm is going into it. Just realise that. Just realise that. I'm catching up now mentally. They get their they get their height and their webbed feet from me and my brother. Do you have webbed feet? No, that's, it was an incestrope. Oh right. I was like, I did not know that about you. Imagine. I was like, so awful of me immediately be like, show us. Show us. Show us. If I had webbed feet, I would never not be showing you. I know. You'd be like, look at this. Look, put me in a pond. Yeah, I'd be carrying a

handling pool around with me going hello look how fast I can go get your webs out get your webs out get your webbed up for the lad I now want to tell you a month of thing my brother has done a month of thing he did yeah so we were just thinking my dad's obviously and my dad's got two bedroom as he left I got the bedroom my sister refused to move out of her bedroom it's not her bedroom but I got the other bedroom because of my stones yeah because I'm ill that's important yeah and my brother's sleeping in the living room so first night stays there this is warm as well warm this week, he doesn't put on pillowcases or a duvet cover. Ah, that's mad.

You don't want that guy donating sperm to you. It's insane. It's insane. And then my dad's like, what the fuck is wrong with you when he gets back on the Thursday? My brother's like, what? It doesn't matter. And he's like, ugh, ugh. And I'm just like, oh, you can say, uh, to him.

You raised him. Like, this is also on you. Like, this whole thing's disgusting. But brothers are just like a bit, like. Yeah, they're just a bit gross. Yeah. Okay, so in which case, for W, we've dealt with the, try not to judge a brother. Try not to judge your brother.

It's sometimes difficult to people to understand how important having a child is to someone that isn't themselves. Yes. Yes, we've come to that conclusion. I have to. Yeah, and we're saying maybe you should consider getting a different sperm donor. Yeah. And then maybe we should think about the different implications of what that could mean. So maybe it's important.

important to double you that it's someone that they know to just go and find your hottest friend well you do you like surprise parties or do you like to be in control that's the question because if you don't know much about the donor then it's like a surprise but everything's a surprise anyway I think that's what you have to remember like you never whatever if I'm having a baby with my egg it's got a mental illness a hundred percent a hundred percent yeah there's no way there's no way that any of my eggs are like a okay right i truly believe that i didn't i didn't know that it started in in utero met there was like there's things that are hereditary yeah yeah yeah true yeah but it's more like you've got a greater disposition towards it i mean it's like necessarily genetically oh is it not yeah

i think i think you it's you're more likely to be more about lady gaga was i not born this way did i give myself depression no no no no no you're you're more genetically deep predisposed to it yeah yeah yeah but that doesn't mean and then your and herringly every single leg is depressed and then my mom and dad gave it to me yeah when I was two years old they were like here you go good luck shout out to my parents love you guys so much um so they double you what we think is you go find new sperm go find new sperm and then by they I don't know how much you will get to control that timeline of finding sperm yeah From everyone who I know who is going through

or has gone through this process, so much of it is to do with financials. Like, can you afford to pay to get the sperm at the level that you want? Like, because it costs... The premium sperm. That's the thing. Or to like, you've got to pay to see the person

who is donating the sperm. Like, you can't always access stuff. Or the speed of getting it. Like, there's just, and then like... Just say your money's tied up right now. Just say it's in the Cayman Islands and get it done. I'm having a cash flow issue. Get it up.

Or listen back to the Layla Navarbi episode. Yeah, well, but that was because Layla had like a reliable friend that she could turkey-based. Yeah. So that's why I'm thinking maybe it's good like for it to be someone you know so you can turkey base. But would you even want that to be your brother, Spaffing in the next room? Hmm. You know? That's a really good point.

Yeah. But whatever you choose, no judgment full support. No judgment full support. And yeah, I don't know. For me, I immediately go no. You know? Are we missing anything in the, any extra. information if we like overlooked anything i very much doubt it no i didn't bridge that at all that

was um yeah that's pretty much everything yeah but but like in in our answers is there anything that we've forgotten about um i guess the the the brother's right to have a sexy slut summer that's the thing but again it is he does have a right to do it but i could totally understand why you're like you're allowed this summer yeah you're allowed to be hurt by it but like yeah he's also allowed to have that as a priority and although you can look at it and go that's not fair you don't love me it's like he's yeah your priorities are different exactly one of you's going to be upset or let down and have to like 40 other person into something that's never a good place to start something let's get some spunk from someone who's got none of the

STIs right from from like who doesn't have any like the um the Pope oh I am STI free yeah yeah get Andrew to do it's like I should check join some of Andrew Spunk yeah if you just email No, there's a tier on Patreon for £7,000. And you get our SDI results? No, you get Andrew Spir. Oh, Andrew Spurge. Are you giving up my sperm to fund Helen's surgery? Yes.

If you're an ally to women, then that's what you're doing. Yeah, women's health matters. Let's close the gender pain gap. Okay, well, I am a feminist, so. That was our first ever wordplay. Oh, apart from two. No, it's not. I stole that.

That's like a famous thing. Oh, okay. The gender pain gap. Yeah, I stole tooth blackburn as well. Oh, yeah. Actually, nothing we said as original this entire time. I don't have a sister and Chloe has a woman to Australia. Who's Rosie Jones?

I don't know. Actually, this is the most original podcast ever. I don't think any of what has been discussed today has ever been discovered before. Is there another problem? Because I love this. We're actually hurtling out of time. Hurtling towards the end. We're out of time almost.

Yeah, we actually do have to be out of the studio. That's the problem solved for W. Thank you. Inhale, Helen. Helen. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening. I've been Helen Bauer.

This is Chloe Pet. We're both doing stuff. I guess Chloe just tell us about you. Thanks. Please watch this on YouTube because Helen's hat has gone further down her face. As the episode has progressed. Sorry, it's going to be bad for clips, isn't it? I think you look beautiful.

Thank you. I think you look really fair. Thanks. Goodbye. Oh, no, you can tell them what you're up to. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can plug it for you. No, no, no, so I'm doing working progresses of my new show up until the Edinburgh Fringe.

Then I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe, and then I'll take it out on tour. But I'm also doing... I just try a name, because it's really good. I was called Big Naturals. Big naturals. And you think that's brass. Ah, labia lips. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

The poster is very revealing. Your poster is so hard. Thank you. The sleeve and the melon? Did you eat it afterwards? I ate a lot of that fruit, but I didn't eat the melon. Oh, why? It was just like we were in a photo studio.

You can't be chopping up a melon next to photographic. Yeah, people are funny. Yeah, people don't like that. I get it. I get it. And the way I open a melon is throw it at the wall and get down on my hands and knees and I actually believe that. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, come see my show.

I'm also doing how you see me, how you don't, my old show for one more week at the Soho Theater in June. And I have not so many tickets to that. Because anyone that wants to see that show. No, they haven't. They just haven't booked them yet. Go in June. Yeah. Go in June.

You know Chloe. You know Chloe's like, you know Chloe. You know Chloe's like, you know what? God tier. Goat tier. Is that what the kids say? Through the fog. Step fourth.

Okay, we're going on a different, different key there. You have to buy tickets. Chloe's at Soho. They will solve them. Maybe they won't. A natural problem. and then come see Andrew and me and Catherine if we're doing shows and come see us at the Clapham Grand on October the 12th 17th come see us at the Clapham Grand on October 12th thank you so much love you so much God bless us and God bless us all God is good God is great

I just want to say on behalf of me on behalf of me on behalf of Catherine, on behalf of Andrew, on behalf of them, on behalf of the world, I guess. Thank you so much to our executive producers and our producers. Let's start with the execs. You know them. They're sexy as fuck. They're hot as shit. It's Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Stephanie Catrachia, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway, Neil Redmond, Angela S, St.

Cashmore, Sarah, Deking, and, um, Anda, Anda McCall. Amanda McCall. I can read your name. Amanda, please let me read it. Charlie weems weems weems weems you can say weems as much as you want I will always try a different go for it and then obviously our producers we don't forget lest we forget our producers L Richard Bold Harold Van Dyke

Tim and Dom David Walker Rachel R Claire Owen Jones Sarah and Molly Ria Fink Cordelia Rachel Page Helen A Tina Lindsay Amy O Reardon Abby Woff Matt Sims Luke Bright. It's Jam Rainbird. Have I missed a row? I need to follow this with my finger. I have Leah, Kate, Liz Fort, Tass, Anthony, Clow, Becky Fox, Dean Michael, Sophie Chivers, Chivers, Carrie Sooth, Suthy, Sothe, Sothea, Charlie A, KC, Jam Rain Bird, Tamsin Smith Harding, Ezra Perrigan, Bryn, Laura Pollock, Leah Overin, Stephen Chicken, Haley, Singer, Dougie. Robertson. I have not struggled of reading that much in a while. I love that

you always crack up at Stephen Chicken. He's a lovely, lovely guy. And I bet. I bet. And I love you Stephen Chicken. It's just, it's so funny. It's so, I really hope that they have a partner and I hope their sound name is cow, so then they can be cow and chicken.

Do you remember that TV show? Thank you for your support. Mom had a chicken, Daddy had a cow. Please don't cancel your Patreon. We appreciate Oh, don't, you mustn't. No, don't. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Love you. Bye.