Trusty Hogs - Ep191. MAISIE ADAM / Lorraine, Leeds & Living off the Land

Episode Date: June 19, 2025

Fresh from her SoccerAid 2025 victory, the brilliant Maisie Adam joins Helen this week as our stand-in Catherine for a wide ranging chat on everything from dating woes to going off grid...FOLLOW MAISIE: @MaisieAdamNEW MERCH: www.trustyhogs.com/merchThank you so much for listening!Support us at www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more!Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socialsBe sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)All links: https://audioalways.lnk.to/trustyhogsSNThank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Guy Goodman / Simon Moores / Stefanie Catracchia / Oliver Jago / Anthony Conway / Neil Redmond / Angela S / Sadie Cashmore / Sarah Deakin / Amanda McCall / Charlie WeemesPRODUCERS: Elle / Richard Bald / Harald van Dijk / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Claire Owen-Jones / Sarah & Molly / Raia Fink / Cordelia / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie Worf / Matt Sims / Luke Bright / Leah / Kate / Liz Fort / Taz / Anthony / Klo / Becky Fox / Dean Michael / Sophie Chivers / Carey Seuthe / Charley A / KC / Jam Rainbird / Tamsyne Smith-Harding / Ezra Peregrine / Bryn / Laura Pollock / Leah Overend / Steven Chicken / Hayley Singer / Dougie RobertsonWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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You are 100% I think in the next year going to end up in like on Lorraine talking about this. It won't be with Lorraine though, obviously. No, no, no, obviously. It'll be with Christine Lampard. Let's start the episode. I want that to be the first thing that's said. A hundred percent.

Welcome. We need to open up the conversation more. It's okay not to be okay. More people have it than you think. I've never thought about going on Lorraine, but I 100% would go on for a concert. and talk about it, like, how people talk about mental health. Like, Gullstones is one of those things that, like, you're scared.

Join the conversation on Twitter. Oh, my God. Thank you, Helen. I feel seen. Doing TikTok lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, doing, like, you think Gullstones are just this big, but actually, they're this big. Oh, my God.

And then people go, what? Kids will be doing GCSC drama pieces about Gullstones. It'd be amazing. Do you think I'll be invited to the schools to watch them? Yeah, 100%. To do, like, their drama presentation award tonight. I'll get triggered halfway through and how. have to sit outside.

Yeah, yeah. Like phantom pain. It'll be an aftercare room. You know what? Let's bring gallstones to the table. Everyone, hashtag under this video on YouTube for this week's episode of Trusty Hoggs. Hashtag, believe her. Hashtag, that's already been used, isn't it?

Yeah. Come on. Use the gall pod. No, the hashtag Stones too. Hashtag Stones too. Stones to. Gaul of us. The gall of us.

Yeah. It happens to goall of us. Gauling this together. Goaling this together. There you go. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah.

You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Have you seen, this is so exciting, Ashley Tisdale's daughter has just got in. Actually Tisdell has a daughter.

Oh, look, she's got like two kids. What, when did that happen? Like five years ago. Oh, we're growing old. What do you read? What do you mean? What do I read? You're not reading the gossip bags.

Yeah, I'm across. But I feel like more things have happened in the gossip sphere. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have got together and got divorced Helen in the last. five years. That's, that's higher up on the news page than Ashley Tisdale's two children. They weren't in high school musical. No, of course they weren't. I would love it, a genuine, a genuine celebrity before high school musical was in it. Like, because like, Zach Fon's now a household name, but like if J-Lo was just making an appearance in high school musical,

oh yeah. Have they made a fall yet? High School Musical four? No. Do you see Corbyn Blues in the West End at the moment? Yeah. He's ever since. good. He did dancing with the stars. Sorry, that sounded like his mum. Oh, he's ever so talented though. There's not a full, but there is a TV series on Disney Plus. Is that? Is that with all the originals? No, no. It's a new generation.

Oh, course. It's got four series. Four whole series? Yeah, yeah. High school, musical, the musical, the series. Yeah. Do you want to stop podcasting and go watch it at my flat right now? No, I feel really strongly about like franchise, like, you know, when they go beyond what it's meant to be.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm not going to see Mufassar. Like, everyone keep saying this. Why? For Lin-Manuel Miranda's songs, when has he done wrong? I think you just... Yeah, but you can go and look at all the ones, or listen to all the ones he's done right on the, on...

Go to Hamilton, go to Moana. Moana is so good. But did you see Moana too? You need to see some film seven. Yeah, but Moana's got the same people in it, aren't it? It does, but it doesn't have Lynn Manuel Miranda, and I will say you do miss it. But it's not, but it's still Moana.

Anna. True. It's not like... True. Do you know what you mean? It's not like, you know, like Pocahontas was fire, but Pocahontas 2 just didn't work. Yeah, you've lost me now. I'm so sorry. Did you not watch Pocahontas? No, I watched Pocahontas. I didn't watch Pocahontas too. Okay, so yeah, yeah. We're working on different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in North South Divide. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know exactly where I stand on this.

You just need to get on my level. Home alone, yeah? Home alone too, fine. Yeah. It's the same people. Here we go. Home alone three, home alone alone four. that's when it gets silly. Same with Jaws. There's more than one Jaws. There's like four, May. No, there's not.

There's called the Meg or something, isn't it? Or shallow. That's a different franchise. That's just another film about a pitch. It's the same shark. It's the same shark. Same lead. If you're using the same leading actor.

It's not the same leading actor. It's pretty much the same. It's like a big old plastic shark with Michael Kane. And the Meg is a massive shark CGI'd with Jason Statham. Now you're making me look like I'm weirdly into Shark film. You're like really into Shark film. What's that episode of Friends

When Chandler's turned on By Sharks or something That's not me I did walk down the aisle To the theme of a shark tale Did you I swear my friend Libby at her wedding She had the Jurassic Park theme tune

As some of the background music When we were having dinner What? What? It's in like the Do do do do do Do no And I loved it But like

Was the room just full of people going Is that? Yeah. Is that? Yeah. That's an odd choice. I think that's like a common thing now, isn't it, to have something wacky in your playlist?

A bit wacky. Like a bit, have you seen that viral video of the guy who's like listening to the Pokemon theme tune being played acoustic at his wedding? We're on different algorithms. I feel like you've got quite a Pocahontas-centric algorithm. Pokemon.

Oh, Pokemon. Yeah. Oh, but you did say Pocahontas earlier. I did say Pokemon theme. Pokemon theme. Fucking hell. Sorry, sorry. You're great.

Are you quitting having me on? Is it like having your nan? I wish my nan could come on this. Do you reckon? No, actually, that'd be fucking awful at it. Andrew, what episode number is it is? I'd like to introduce it now. Oh, yes, yeah.

We're only five minutes in. This is episode one nine one. Stop it. Hello and welcome to episode 191 at Trustee Hogs. I'm Helen Bauer. This is Maisie Adam. Let's go. Right, before you started recording this episode with me,

you mentioned Camp America. Can I tell you my history? with Camp America. I'd love to hear it. That's the reason I'm here. This was my entire dream when I was growing up. I wanted to go to Camp America.

To do it? Yeah. To be a counsellor there. I, yeah, to be a counsellor, I couldn't fathom how I wasn't made to do that because I obviously watched Parent Track when I was younger. And the girl, the one they called Duffel Girl,

and I know she's not a counsellor, but she's like the bigger girl who's there. And she pulls her duffel. You fucking get it. Yeah, yeah. I think I was made to do that. But by the time, it came, is it 16 or 18 you can go from the UK?

I think 18. I was 19. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I was a mature student. But if anyone doesn't know, it's when you like fly out to the US to any random state. Oh yeah, yeah. You like fill out this application form and then you could get put anywhere. Like you could end up 10 minutes outside of New York City. You could end up on the West Coast or you could be in like rural Oklahoma.

Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. And then you have to like teach a sport and then talk to kids who are like sad when they're away from home. Pretty much, yeah. So lush. But by the time I got to the age when you could do that, I'd already fallen deep into my National Youth Theatre, stage management rabbit hole.

Stage management? I was. Okay. Did you do National Youth Theatre? Yeah. I fucking knew it. I was like, you know, when you... Loved it.

But I didn't do the stage management one. No. No. Most kids who are going to the National Youth Theatre, they're stagey kids. So they're there to... Yeah. To make it big, this is my break.

Whereas Helen Bauer, 16 years old. 16? With a headset. Clipboard. I literally stage managed a show at the Soho Theatre in the main house when I was 16 years old. I mean, that's not impressive. It's just like... Oh, assistant stage managed, sorry.

I was in charge of props. Fuck. But that's impressive. That is impressive. That is impressive. It's just... There was a lad at mine. school who was really into doing like tech for all the school plays and we were always like

it just felt such a grown up thing to be into like stage management or props or tech because it's like you're in theatre but you're not in it in the narcissistic way that all those stagey kids are of like well I just want to show off on stage this lad Tom he just loved all the switches all of that yeah he does he does glastonbury now does he's smashing it he's absolutely smashing Because this is the thing. I was like, I think I'm meant to do this because I knew I loved drama and I knew I wanted to do something in drama and I was like feeling pretty confident that I wanted to like be an actor or a performer.

But then I just had, you know when you just meet a bad teacher? One of those teachers who basically didn't let me in the school play in year 11 because she said I was too big to be in the chorus of women. Isn't that so devastating? That's so problematic. I know we've taught first before in the podcast ages ago. To be in the chorus? I was devastated.

Yeah, she wouldn't let me in the chorus because I was too big. That's horrific. mean, isn't it? Have you ever followed up on her? Not in like a threatening way, but just, you know, it'd be great for her to see what you're up to now. I don't think I need to follow up. I started rumours about her within like 24 hours of that.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you know that. I should have known that. That story didn't end wholesomely. She's not around to see what you're doing anymore thanks to certain moves that the bower made once she got into six months. You know, that to me, to me, a big kid!

I'll smash you and too. But then I was like, okay, well, I guess this is my calling. Yeah. I meant to do tech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I applied to do state management. You thought it was a real like fork in the road moment. It really felt like that.

And also, it also felt like so in the nicest way possible, like attainable for me to get on the course. You know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my sister calling one second. I'm not going to. Marian. If it's about the dog, I'll call you later because the dog's. gone now.

I was busy about work. I'm recording a podcast. Bye! She's fine. She's having a nice time. Pretty part for the course. When were you last on,

is here? When we were in the shipping container? Back in Vauxhall, yeah. Wow, that's like two, three years now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice to come back though, isn't it? Yeah, as per the restrictions. It's every three years that I allow her.

Yeah, yeah. That drama teacher's on 10 years, isn't she? Shout out to you. You know who you are. Oh, God. I don't want to get involved in this, Helen. Anyway, you got into a nice course.

But you know what something feels like you can do it? Yeah. So then I went tech and then I was like, this is my calling. Yeah. And I put every egg in the stage management basket. I was like, this is what I meant to do. I was tech for Pleasance when I was 18.

Oh my God. And because I was so into doing technical. Like I was like, I will do stage management and technical theatre at university or something. Yeah. And I was like, I was so convinced of it. And then I think I got to 22 and I was like, No, I'm just lying to myself.

I actually want to do the other thing. But I miss Camp America because of that. Because I was so like, I've got to get the props. I got it. I've got to learn to turn the lights on and off. Like, I had to do it. And then I missed my calling because I... I think you'd have excelled in a Camp America environment.

Do you have to be sporty though? Because you're sporty. No. No. You just have to be good at telling people to get into a canoe. You don't have to canoe. Where did you end up? New Jersey. Yeah, it was good. No, it was great.

Was it? Yeah, Helen, that's like an hour from New York City. Oh, is it? The one, the camp I was at literally looked like the one in parent trap. But obviously, like, my role, I'm not Duffel girl. I'm the, what's she called, is she called Melville or something like that? Morve, Morvin. No, don't the woman.

The isolation, Kevin. That's me, that's me. What is her name? Her name's. Marvers? Marvis! Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, I was Marvis. You think Marvis is good at canoeing and hiking? Maybe she was. They used to do this thing called a polar lake swim Which is where you had to get the kids up at like six in the morning And we were like staying in like these like little log cabins All on like camp beds And every week you had like different ages

So like one week you might have elementary And then you'd have Oh they call it all different stuff over there It was elementary and then it was Sophomore thing Then it was junior high, senior high And there's one before junior high Anyway

Middle school Thank you yeah But like you had to get all that one week you have to do a polar lake swim and now I was on elementary and everybody always used to think elementary was dead sweet dead cute because they're really lovely five years old but they wet the bed don't they so like every night I need my sleep helen it's like this five-year-old's sort of waking you up I had an accident and like the temptation to go you'll be really fine just get it'll dry out dry out you have to get up and like and then

six a.m we'd have to get up and I'd have to get them all into life jackets and to go into the boat to go to the lake to go to the lake uh at six o'clock in the morning and um i'm like come on it's really fun they're all like a bit tired no it's gonna be really fun did i ever have to jump in probably i didn't no you just chuck them in you just chuck them up by the jacket chuck them in and that's your whole summer done yeah but then like the next week you might have like senior high which is where they're all like 17 bearing in mind i'm 19 so i'm only like i'm like two years old than some of them and they're all

desperate to have sex with each other like it's caught that's basically the main job with senior high is just forcing teenagers apart

I'd had sex but I was think I was still like dry humping was like the main thing that got me off right like okay I was like that

out loud maybe maybe maybe couldn't have been your calling dry humping's fine I think it is if you're not in a cabin

full of kids you can dry Hump in a, not kids, but you're going dry hump with other 17-year-olds in the room. So then what happens when one of them comes to tell you, oh, I've wet myself a five-year-old and you're there dry hump in your pillow? Oh, I meant in a, well, obviously not a pillow. I meant you're in a cabin of everyone's 17 and everyone's dry-humping. Helen, you're absolutely about to walk yourself into some... I can feel it, I can actually feel it.

Yeah, this has got... No kids are involved in this part of the story. But it's still the same thing of, like, you get woken up during the night. by different things of like moaning and you have to be like um is there a boy in this cabin I'd like him to leave now and I'll pretend I won't you approach it like Derrick Akora is there a boy in this cabin leave now well I just didn't want to get out of bed I was so so I would just go is there a boy in this cabin if so you got 10 seconds to leave otherwise and then I went and then I count would you count yeah yeah and then we won't talk about it and then you just

hear some like awkward spotty teenager going oh god quickly quickly i'll see you in the morning oh my god and they're all-american kids they're not like no they're all-american i think it's such a cool thing to do with yourself do they do pranks on each other yeah they did pranks but then but then it was like it was it was sports a little bit but then it was like cookouts and stuff like you know and you got to go like in yeah yeah yeah yeah so you had to be like right what are we packing come on we need to be like it's trying to get them to be like independent but i still don't really a very good cook you you spent a week with me when we went um on that ski gig thank you you didn't cook then did you no so i would it'd be like the blind leading the blind i'd be going to

these i'd know chuck some yeah beans in there um chocolate bars they'd be like aren't we gonna cook waffles no no oreos yeah you're fine just have oreos oreos and peanut butter yeah um i can't believe you still do that lorgette gig you're amazing oh my god i can't believe how cool you are that you are able to ski and also do that gig. Do you remember how awful I was that entire week? Helen, you got like on the snow for like five seconds and then you're like... I had a breakdown and was like, I'm dead.

Thank you but no thank you. Yeah. And then you and Francis... Couldn't even walk. No, no, no. No. Like, watching you walk to the slopes, I was nervous. And then watching you walk away from the slopes, I was like probably for the best actually. And everyone thinks I'm overly dramatic about how much I found it hard there to walk.

No, you were like, you were at your wit. I was immobile. Yeah. Like completely a mobile. And then fucking Catherine, thanks to taking her out this year. Because I thought she'd come back and be like,

oh, it's awful, you're right, you can't even walk. I won't lie. I had the same expectations. Why did you invite her? No, right, so you know, you know it's a week, right? It's a week with comedians. Yes.

All right. So genuinely, whether or not you can ski, I think is like the third most important thing. Uh-uh. No, I thought, no, no, no. You're a fucking psychopathic bit. No, trust me, you have to spend a week with you have to spend a week with these people so it has to be first of all the vibes that they are just a normal nice person

that you can spend a week with then like probably probably should be number one but really it's number two is are they decent on stage yeah can they do the game yeah so the ski thing is actually like fine fine because even like although you didn't ski Stephen Bailey didn't ski like nice vibes for the for the week and like Catherine I she hadn't skied before but I knew that She's a good laugh to spend a week with. She's a good on, she's good on stage. So I was like, it'll be fine. No worries about it.

Did I think, because Catherine can sometimes, I realize I'm on Catherine's podcast here about to sort of. She won't listen. She won't listen. She won't listen. She won't listen. What might be, not her strength. But I would guess that, like, my perception when booking Catherine was like,

she sometimes likes to overthink or like she sometimes, you know, would maybe be extra cautious and assess, assess the risk. of something and she's not like gung-ho and would be like oh I'll just I'll just stick both feet downwards and go yeah yeah yeah that is exactly what she did crazy like she had a couple lessons she had a couple lessons and then like we could literally hear her from the top of the mountain like her instructor would be like okay Catherine you go now and you could hear her cackling cackling as she just skied down there it's it's so it's so lush for her but when she came back and was like it was I loved it I loved it I felt like I was being

pranked. Because then it makes me look like the worst person in the world. I think you and Mike would get on very well about this because we went as well. Mike was very much so I'm like all right skit, I'm confident and so's Catherine's Ellen. So we were like we'll go off together so we were bobbing it down every day but Mike he skied a couple of my husband he skied like a couple times before but he's still kind of learning the ropes and he was very much, not even like a mailway,

but he wasn't like mansplate, but he was very like to Catherine, he was like, and don't worry, like we don't have to be like Ellen and Maisie. We'll be absolutely fine. It can take a few days to pick it up. Like, I'm still finding my feet with it. Catherine, like, by lunchtime on the first day, I think was sort of considering entering the next Winter Olympics.

Ridiculous. And she was, yeah, correct. And I think Mike was even a little bit like, oh, oh, you've done a blue run already on day what? No, that's great. No, that's really good. That's really, really good. Yeah, yeah.

Awful. She just took to it, like a duct to water. I think I needed, you know what, I'm so glad I had Francis with me because Francis is as useless as I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I really appreciated. But there was no way I could get the skis on me.

Not, given the fact that I couldn't even walk. I remember when you tried to take the chairlift up without skis on. Yeah, to ride it. Yeah. And they were like, absolutely. Not there. Absolutely nuts. And we were like, we want to see the view and they went, no skis, no hide. But it's because you went through the turnstile, which is for just the skiers. Yeah. Well, we didn't, I didn't know. Yes. Because they have like the bubble cars for that. Yeah. I want to go up and see. I did take one of those.

Yeah. I wanted to do the, um, yeah. Yeah. The chairlift. Yeah. I'm not going back, am I? No. No. No. Respectfully. Helen. For the best. Yeah. Yeah. For the best. So hand on heart, were you hoping. that like Catherine was going to come back It would be like It was a disaster Wasn't really for me Couldn't get like The use to the skis

I definitely want my friends Have a bad time Somewhere I've had a bad time So we can all be on the same way Oh my God At least you say it No at least you say it I wanted her to come back

And I thought the episode Would be both of us going like Fuck skiers And then we could skew it To be like a whole thing About like privilege and class Being like Oh it's because you know

anyone who hasn't gone to private school doesn't get taught balanced we don't have special balance classes with the future prime ministers of the UK and then I was going to spin it like that yeah in reality I'm also I went to state school and Catherine was just really good at skiing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

but ideally I would have spun it like that and made it this whole thing that it wasn't just to make myself feel better for the fact that I couldn't walk and flow and realistically one of the times I fell over I fired you know and that was bad that was bad Tumbletoot. Tumbletoothed. Tumbletoothed.

That's when Tumbledooted started is when I fell there and the shock of falling. But you wanted to blame skiing, not yourself. I think the whole, like, not skiing the action, more like skiers. Yeah. The people. Yeah. I don't know why. Everything else that you enjoyed, like the culture out, like outside of being on the slopes.

Loved that. Loved, loved the spa passes. The spa. Loved the cuisans. Love the, well, well, huh. One night, which I could have done without it. I'll be honest with you, amazing. French, just don't get the food.

We've talked about it before. I just don't. You've really changed Helen since I last saw you. You've become like everyone's aunt at Christmas Day. Anything I bring up, you're like, that's woke. That's woke nonsense. It's French food woke. French food's woke.

That's Helen Bauer's Helen Bauer's latest scoop. I always get to hold up for saying this. French do really good desserts and pastries But as far as a main meal Really? Do you know what I mean? Are you gonna really? Like I'm good

Really? It's not that good Really like what is it? What do you like? Raclette, that's nice That's Swiss. Is it? Yeah

No, fondue, fondue's Swiss And reclette. Is it? For sure. Oh, it is of Swiss already Oh no, it's also popular in other Alpine countries Beef Borgenion. Yeah, beef stew

But, like, really, like, is it enough to go and be like, you've got to, you got to get French food? Yeah, I don't know if you can claim it. Yeah, but like, when you're in the, you're like, all right, you're out with your mates, you're 17 years old, you're going for dinner, you're going pizza express or cafe rouge. Do you know what? That is some argument. Fair enough. Thank you. Fair enough.

Fucking thank you. I'm so sick of it. Yeah. And I, they're patisserie, their croissants, their pies, they can be very nice. But, like, rabbit, it's mainly stews or just, like, just a random. Random meat. Yeah. Yeah.

And then just some boiled vegetable. Ratatoui, love the film. Love the rats. I've said it. I'm going to respectfully sit out of this conversation and just let you sort of... Escargo! Escarno! I would really like to get booked for the gig again.

So I'm just going to be like... But that's fine. I actually think they're cuisine's delicious. It's lovely. I don't think you're getting booked on your sheer talent and babeness. You're not getting booked for your love of French food. I've never been booked on my babeness. I booked you for today on your babeness.

Of my babeness. No, to see if you'd slag off French food on the air. Because we've got, we've got Fred from first dates on the other side of that door and he's going to come in. I love Fred Serio. He's great. Oh my God. I walked past the first date's restaurant the other day. Yeah.

It's always exciting. Would you go on that, Helen, first dates? I think you'd be great entertainment on it. But would it be damaging? That woman from real housewives went on. seen that one. Which one? The Real Housewives of Cheshire. No, she did. Yeah, she goes on it and she's, she's matched with a lad who's like seemingly really, really nice. And she's, he says something like, so what do you do then? And she laughs and she's like, you're not being serious,

are you? He's like, what? Yeah, she's like, you do know who I am. You do. No. Yeah. Yeah. And it just keeps going. I'm not saying you'd be like that, but like, I think you'd be, you'd be good laugh. I'm bad on, I'm dating at the moment and like, I'm bad on first date. I'm not my, I'm not... I think you're a second date, gal. Third. Third. It takes...

Like, for it to come out. Or just for people to meet me and like, not me do the whole like... I don't know what... Shhtick. But shit. Yeah. Like, I am such... I see people's faces when they first meet me sometimes.

And like, I am devastated. You can see them going like, oh my God. Like, I've seen people roll their eyes and look at other people. And I'm like, I don't know, but I can't control it. Helen. I'm not joking. I overheard someone. This is awful.

We saw that on the podcast before. Okay. It is funny. They were like, you know Helen. Come on, Helen Bauer. And I could like hear them because I was like in the same bar. And they were like, come on, you know Helen, big Helen.

And the other person went, yeah. That's a true quote. Yes. Yes. And that, it's funny and it's accurate. But you know when you're like, that's tough on dates. Yeah. Tough on day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get it as well. You're tall. That's already like. It's already something to overcome, even though you've put your height down. Yeah, but you're turning up praying that the other person hasn't over-egged theirs. And they have, maybe. Yeah, I used to find it annoying on the apps when they, because, you know, when people always go, like,

women are so shallow about men of whether or not they've put, about whether or not they're taller, but you're like, no, but it is just saving us both time. And I used to really, really want them to put their height on their bios, but then if they didn't, you're just left trying to, like, put them to scale in whatever's in their pictures. So you're like, all right, that's them at a bus stop. Do we think that's a small bus stop or is that to scale bus stop? And then you're looking up the bus stop. You're finding it on Google Maps.

You're sending it to those lads who are really good at Geogasher. And then you're bloody travelling for a weekend to get to it. Exactly. And then it's what's Helen doing again? Oh, she's in the Whirl. And it's like, why? I don't want to date a guy that's going to be a Whirl all day, isn't it? Just doing a recie of his...

I'm fucking off the Whirl! I hate when they've over egg dicks. I don't mind them being short than me. I honestly couldn't give a fuck. But why really? Mealy mind is a guy minding that I'm taller than him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, it is a thing.

Oh, yeah, but it's not a problem for them. It doesn't matter. Like, if it's like a mutual thing, but it's when they've said, oh, I'm 5, 10, and then you get there in their 5. No, no, they say they're 5.11, and they're about 5.9. And the leap between 59 and 5.11 is quite substantial. And if you are 5.9, fine, but just say it.

Yeah. Just say it. We'll have a lovely time. And also you can see them looking at you. I'll buy an ice cream, put you in a push chair. Be all right. Have a little run around day? Let's have a nice day.

Come on, but you can have a short king. I could have a short king, but I'm not having a short king that's constantly like, you're not wearing a short king that's constantly like, no, I'm not wearing them because they're uncomfortable. But it's my choice.

Yeah. It's my fucking choice. You're not wearing a short king, but you don't want one that wears Cuban heels. True. Do you know what I mean? I mean, like regardless of height, I don't know if I'd want them wearing Cuban heels.

I just don't think it's my style. If someone's wearing Cuban heels, they clearly are more fashionable. than me and it is like I just think I'm meant to end up with someone who's a bit of a manky dresser I love then that you'd become like now but then when people would go

you know Helen they'd be like Helen her fella always wears Cuban heels Come on you know Helen big Helen Helen's got the Cuban heels He's in the background doing salsa So he's got a rose in his mouth It does sound like gay slang You know the fellow with the Cuban heels

Oh my God yeah yeah And that is that you do fancy gay men I do Oh my God, it does sound like sort of the way your aunt would try to delicately say gay. I think Helen's boyfriend might, he might wear Cuban heels. Also, I saw him fucking my son. How about that? Riddle me that.

This is hard on the apps, though, because I am, like, I think, because you met your husband on the apps, didn't you? I met him IRL first, and then he popped up on the apps, yeah. That's really nice and ideal. So we had an opener. Where did you meet in real life? a party? No, he was

a dinner party. It's a debutante for. No, he was working, he was working as a waiter in a cocktail bar. Yeah. So perfect. He used to run a cocktail bar and I went in there with my friends. We got chatting,

me and him. My friends were really throwing me under the bust of like, oh, like she fancies you. Like all of that. And then we were like flirting a bit. We actually like swapped numbers and everything. And then he just popped numbers and everything. up on an app.

That's crazy, isn't it? We went from there. But where are we at with the apps now? What are the app? Because I was... Mainly Hinge. Yeah, so Hinge was just taking off when I met Mike.

How is Hinge? Is it as much of a bonfire as Tinder? It's... No. It's definitely like more people looking for relationships. Then again, how would I know as well? Because I think I'm in that age bracket now where people are looking for relationships.

Yeah. So it is less like... I think... I think Tinder was a lot more reactive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it was like you'd go on it if you were free that evening. Yes, yeah.

Is what people were doing, right? And it's also pretty, like, in terms of whether or not you swipe or not, it's basically just photos. Whereas hinged, isn't there like a, is it? Yeah, I wanted to say questionnaire. Is it a questioner? Is it a questioner?

No, no, it is. There's questions on it. Prompts. Thank you. I, I, I'm just, I'm not a good data in general. Like, it's not just like how I am on dates. It's like actually going on dates or actually matching with people and not overthinking it. What is the, what's the go-to date nowadays?

Drink. Go for drinks. I think, like cocktail bar. Is it the one actively dating in this room, you're in a relationship? Cocktails or pubs? No, like low, like, chill pubs. Chill pubs with an out. For a pint.

Yeah, a couple of drinks. You've got something on later that evening. Exactly. Exactly. Like you've got something to do or you've got an early start so you can just like vibed but you've gotten out. Yeah. But, like, I, I know it's a numbers game and I'm not willing to do it.

But I also want to meet someone. I feel like, I've started a conversation I don't want to have, but I just hung out with my mum on Monday. Yeah. And we were talking about relationships. And now it's, like, very fresh in my head. But it is like, because I do want to meet someone, but I, I, I just, I know what I want and I'm just not getting it.

Yeah. Because what I want is just for someone to say to me, I guarantee that you're going to meet the love of your life. when you're 37 and it'll be easy from then and until then you've got three years to do whatever you want, chill out yeah yeah yeah and like not stress about is the next person going to be the one is the next person

am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong have I got like just tell me like just tell me the day I'm going to find them and then let's be done with that but no one does that for you no there's no there's no like paid service an episode of Black Mirror is it? Yeah well that's what I want then I think it's hang the DJ isn't it

where, like, they keep resetting and, like, like, it's like this couple where, like, you, in every world it would be them too, basically. I think I have seen this. It's aired up by a dating program that puts an expiration date on all relationships. Yeah. Frank and Amy soon to begin.

Is Gwyneth Keyworth in that episode? Oh, let's have a look. Hang the T-Aip, like, mirror. But that's basically what you want, isn't it? Yeah. You want that. You want a medically accurate, like scientifically accurate. I've seen it.

I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen your show. And it was bloody brilliant. And Jesse Caves in it. well. Big fans. Big fans.

I had watched it. I would have watched that years ago. That came out a while ago. That came out a while ago. Yeah. You'd have been really good at stage managing, honestly.

You'd have been so good at that. 2017! Give me a footing brick. Jesus Christ! Get off her back. Get off my body back! Yeah, so dating's really tough. Yeah, it's weird.

But then I commit to going on a date. I get nervous before it. Do you? Do you get, I can't ever imagine you get nervous. That's because my nerves come out in like loudness and panic. And then, and then, you know, at the end of it, the guy's always like, oh, that was really fun. I had a really good chat.

And I'm like, yeah, we had a really good chat because I'm a really good chat. That's it. I hate that when they used to go like, oh, yeah, yeah, we've chat. And you're like, no, no, no, I did the heavy lifting for two and a half hours. And you came in with the odd like, yeah, so true. Didn't ask me anything about myself. Yeah, this is, by the way, if any of the guys. are listening this is not about you you were

fucking immense no it was you were amazing I literally I can't breathe you're like quietly confident that when you go to the loo on these dates they're sat on their like not sort of even going I think it's going well or maybe I'll come up with this they're not and then it's a thing of being like

I've asked you like seven eight questions and I understand that like you know I'm you know I am a very dominant person in a conversation I'm aware of that and I maybe he didn't so I'm like I purposefully now leave space yeah and I'll sit there and I go and they're like I literally do what my therapist does actually I just go just sit and smile oh my god I hate that it's awful isn't it yeah I hate that it's such a triggering sound the hmm you're gonna check in with yourself just there on your chest mizzie can you not I'm actually

getting like sweat but I do that to the guys and then they just sort of go and more about my mom and it's like I don't care yeah I don't care yeah but then when you do have a good date it's so exciting but then to keep this is where I really struggle this is becoming into like me just being like help me um like you have that really good day it's a really good spark and then to keep that alive before the next time you see them to keep it alive because I know it takes work it's just I got the doubts all come in and they like is it right is it right is it the one, I think it's, I guess I've been to my mum about this, it's tricky because I have been in complete love before. Have you? Like I have been like, yeah, cannot think of anything. So maybe

then when it comes up again, you're like, oh oh, it's going to be the same thing. Do you think, or, or it could be that or have I just not had that again yet? Like, so I know how, I know how special it can be. Yeah, yeah. So if it's not that, I don't necessarily want it. Even though it can grow. It can definitely grow. But then I don't want to end up just going like that'll do. No, but I don't think that does happen. Like, think about like your best mate. It does.

No, no, it does happen. But as in like, you can go like three or four dates in and then be like, oh no, you are just dry. You are really dry. Yeah. And if there was something to come out by now, it would have, you could have presented it. Do you mean like sex? No.

No. Like a personality. Like, oh, my God. Oh, if there's not a personality on date one, I'm not doing date two. Yeah, no, like, obviously, but what I'm trying to say is like it can... Help me. It can grow, it can warm up to something, you know. Like you said yourself, you're not even like your authentic self on date one.

Do you know what I mean? I'm really mad. I think always give someone a second chance and if they're dry on the second one, yeah. Yeah. Bid them off. Give everyone a second chance. Not everyone. Obviously if they arrive waving a reform flag, like maybe...

Or the guy last week, do you remember the one that burped? Yeah, like obviously sack that right off. Yeah. and it's fine eye burp but he announced it and then did it yeah no no I want on a date with a guy once

we were on the train to leads and he was like do you have any tattoos and you know and like somebody's asking because they're like because I do and I want to show you them

so obviously it just ended up with him going yeah yeah I've got one look at this and we were on the train to lead and he's just taking his top off right and the tattoo

the tattoo the tattoo I need to be like quite vague about this because it's so specific but like from across to left to right was a pit bull lyric yeah I was just sat on the track

and this is on the way into the day so I was like we've still got to go and we were going to see a film as well yeah Mr Worldwide Danny he was he was there across yeah I can't tell you the lyric

I'll tell you afterwards please tell me you immediately got wet patch on tanny you wearing like colour jeans I was like turn this train around we're going home I am soaking thank God I've got my flannel No, got off at Leeds

And literally had to be like, we've still got to go see this film Oh, when you know And you still have to go, and you don't, just to be clear, you don't. But I was like, how do you go like less now? I'm not being funny, but since seeing that tattoo on your chest,

I know that this isn't going to work out. You can't do, you can, but you can't. You may be can, but like certainly then, I think I was like 21 when I went on that date and I was like, I don't have the, um, balls to like to say that. Right. Do you know what I mean?

I was in such a people pleasing era of like, like oh no no no he could be really nice also part of your brain goes and he was nice but it was such a massive turn off it was but part of your brain also goes like is this a funny story is this is this like is this like a funny meeky sort of thing off at the time that he's shown me that it was so stupid like your brain goes to those funny places that like all the couples tell in like their speeches on the wedding day of like yeah yeah i feel like maybe katherine said it once in this podcast before but it's like someone once met someone on New Year's Eve and they got together

and they were together for three years and they should have broken up after a year but they were like but I can't because it's clearly meant to be because it was a New Year's love and it's like but I guess I understand that though I so I wouldn't do it but I fully understand they're together just because they got together on New Year's Eve I understand the neatness of it

and thinking oh that must be there's no way the universe is involved in this no that's insane is it actually to be like that makes like they were there You're unhappy, but you don't end it because you met on the 31st of December. Because it's a good story. It's a good anecdote.

And you'd never forget. Like meeting someone on your birthday or something. And it's like, oh, this is clearly fated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. But, no, end it.

It's so tricky. I just, and then I'm like, yeah. I truly believe I'm going to meet someone with the fact that I never have. Isn't that so crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a Bev on a date? I do, but annoyingly at the moment, because of the old gallstones.

Because the old goals. Hashtag we're going this together. Hashtag we're going this together. Write that down. Literally everyone's written except you, Helen. You're the only one struggling to remember it. Well, I can't remember what it is, can I? Jesus Christ, not being kind to Helen.

I'm being very kind. I forgot on what I'm saying now, actually. Oh yeah. No, because of the gallstones. I can't like. I can't drink drink I'm beginning to think going on a day with Helen Bauer is like when I used to go and visit my nan with dementia

just be like oh we've lost her again literally well yeah should we talk about that again should we play some music so you know where you are and then being like oh it's a great day we should go on a second one because they're just trying to be polite to me and I'm like you had a good time because I'm going fun no sweetheart no

date two it's Helicote I'll tell you what's woke French food it is though we're all pretending because their feelings get hurt so quickly over the channel you've gone two dates for somebody you've got really nice vibes

he's really lovely he's making you laugh you really fancy him and then he really wants date three but he wants to go to a French restaurant how strongly do you feel

about the French cuisine are you accepting the third date I mean I'd go for love I'd go for love but like well maybe that that would be your cute thing and I never liked French food.

And then... Do you think that's cute enough? It needs to be something like... You heard some of the things people come out with at weddings. Yeah, in all fairness. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Not saying, you know, yeah. Yeah, I've heard some stuff. I think, I think it's going to happen this year. I think I'm going to fall in love. And then I'm going to be married as well. Yeah. In the same year. Yeah.

This year. Maybe not married this year. Helen, you've got shotgun wedding energy. Thank you. You'd be with some. somebody within six weeks. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. No, it does. Like that kind of iconic kind of... Like fuck it. Yeah, who's done it that we know? Like, do you know what you've got the vibe? You know when Lana Del Rey married the... Gator guy from Florida.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tour guide. I actually quite like that for me. I think you're going to have a Lana... And then a sweetheart's honeymoon in Disney World. Where did you honeymoon? Do you think you'll be a Disney couple? Ideally, yes.

Would you want somebody? to propose to you outside the Disney Castle. I mean, I wouldn't be anti-it. I genuinely would not be anti-that. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's such an ick. I think it's so sweet. You'd be both in those caps with the Mickey ears, wouldn't you?

Well, I wouldn't be... Kissing on one leg. I mean, Goofy would be there, ideally, but I wouldn't be like... As the ring bearer. Yeah. Yeah. No, Max is a ring bearer. Actually, probably Goofy's probably a bad omen at a wedding given his wife's not around anymore. I know. She might have died, but it's not been proved, you know?

What's happening? What do you mean? I can't drag you out of this mainly. I'm so sorry. This is, I can't translate this. I'm just talking to the Disney. Goofy's got a wife. Goofy had a wife. Okay. Why in the Goofy movie is it just him, Max, going on a road trip with my woman. Yeah. I thought we're moving away from the wedding thing now. I'm just going to go. No, I'm actually right in the center of it. The personal life section. Oh, have you seen the goofy movie documentary on Disney Plus. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah. This came up that, and I was like, surely Helen has seen this. I have not seen it. No one told me. It's cool. No one told me. No one told me. It's cool. No one told me. No one told me. It's cool. No one told me. No one me no one none of the listeners of this podcast told me Zofia didn't tell me you didn't fucking tell me he made with the text when did it come out

2024 are you fucking joking it's called not just a goof the untold story of a goofy movie oh that's it you're done reading are you sorry exploring the untold story of a goofy movie following a young creative team tackling their first Disney feature its initial disappointment and its surprising resurgence decades later

it's flawless thank you for letting me now that. I cannot wait for my night in tonight. And yeah, I was going to watch a film. Not anymore. Oh my God, I watched King of Comedy for the first time. Have you seen it? Sorry, wait, were we done with that conversation? We are now. Have you seen King of Comedy? I feel like I'm chasing a train that's left the station. You know, when you see those people chasing a tube in vain, that is me trying to keep up with conversation with you. Let me offer you a rail replacement bus. Yeah, I feel like Andrew's there going, there's one in

another minute. Are you happy with Leeds promotion? Thank you. Thank you, Andrew. Welcome, welcome. Yes. No, I'm not on the train. No, yes, yeah. Leave promotion. Oh, football.

Yeah. Fifty football. Yeah. Yes. That's how amazing it was during your goofy Miffy chat. You were just like ranting about goofy. That is literally like me going off about all of the players at Leeds United and why they should or shouldn't stay on for another contract.

What would you be left like? Luke Smith. No. Joel Perrault. Thank you. Thank you, Andrew. Gallagad. Galgad. Yeah, I'm not saying that. Gallaud only.

Did you imagine? Andrew. No. No. No. Liam. No. Helen.

Yeah. Yeah. Our goalkeeper's called Helen. Oh, Lush. I'm really happy that Leeds got promoted. Thank you so much. To a new division. Do you know what you will be interested in genuinely?

Because I know that you're just doing this to be polite. I am. But yesterday, yesterday, I was at St. George's Park, which is where the English. England team train, men and women's, the lionesses. And I was there. You know the lionesses, yeah. And it was yesterday morning that Mary Earps, the goalkeeper,

out of nowhere, retired from international football. And you know what? I was trying to think of how to put this in your terms so that you don't understand it. Oh my God. I know. I know with also like having a mind to feminism, you know? Yeah, yeah.

I don't have a Disney equivalent. But like in our line of. work, let's imagine there is like a big comedy gig that comes around once every four years that you really want to get booked for, right? Like it's the big gig that everybody wants to do. Okay. But there's only every four years. It's only every four years and there's only a certain amount of spots on the line up.

Okay. Imagine this is the headliner when they find out they might not be headlining and actually they might get moved to like the opening 20. They pull out with like not a long time to go. yeah fuck off but I don't I don't know if that is the best thing

because obviously that makes you think well everybody would be really angry at the headliner but also let's imagine the headline has done wonders for comedy okay yeah that was not coming across for that that felt like someone who was like no if I'm not doing that yeah I think I've made Mary up seem like a dick there

and actually she's done wonders for the game and I'm sure she's amazing yeah but she's not doing it anymore and no one knew did her teammates not know I don't think so that's really hard It's so tricky.

You think Camp America's full of drama. Imagine Camp England right now. Oh my God. And they're all there. And then did she just walk out onto the pitch and say it? No, I think she went in for a meeting with the manager. Oh, that would make sense. Yeah, you're just an answer.

And said like, are you going to play me? Oh, my God. And maybe the answer wasn't yes. So she was like, well, this ship sailed. Do you ever think you might end up doing something like that? What? Retiring. Yeah, but like from everything and just starting afresh.

Oh my God. what like going one of the like those off-grid comedians that just suddenly go and like live on a barge even like go of comedy like just sort of like going I just like going in like everyone you work with and wrapping everything up like I'm starting again I'm starting again selling all your stuff right

I don't know what else I do Helen you've not seen my GCSEs I'm like way why I can't do anything else it's all an act back down you're thick yeah really yeah oh like academically or like socially

wow oh my Do you know what, Helen? I think it really makes a load of fucking sense why you're not dating. That was the meanest thing I've ever said. I'm not socially thick. That was also the most socially thick

than anyone that have done. Oh, academically you're socially. You just socially outfixed me. So you're socially really smart. I know! I'm socially sick! Yeah, I know! I know that.

I know that. That's why I'm going to die alone. Are you happy now? Yes, very. So academically thick Yes Do you not go to university? No I went to like a drama school Oh you did you went to East 15 didn't you

Yeah yeah I know about East 15 Yeah so and the academic requirements for that Are a basis of the English language And 1E but it can be in anything I will say You also do have to audition to get into East 15 Yeah In defence of East 15

But I think that's to check that you have a basis of the English language Probably I could have gone there to study stage management How fun would that have been? What, me and you? Yeah. Wait, I don't think we're the same age.

I'm 34. Oh no, no. Like, you're younger than me. I wouldn't have been able to work on your shows. No. That'd have been sad. Yeah. And that would have been brilliant.

No, I fantasise sometimes about going into like... Just packing it all in one day. There's a podcast I listened to called Girls Next Door. And it was, did you ever watch back in the day, Girls are the Playboy Mansion? Yeah. And it was like Bridget, Holly and Kendra. Do you know that Bridget and Holly have a podcast where they go through each episode. I'm obsessed

I'm, it's been about, I've listened to it since my first tour, so it's been about five years. And what are they discussing? Each episode and like what actually was going on and genuine, like genuinely their relationship with Heth, their relationship with Kendra. But they just go into everything that behind the scenes, how it was made. It's

really interesting. But did they just one day pack up and were like, I'm not going to live in this mansion anymore, Heth? Bridget left because she got a job and she was was ready to move on with her life. And Holly just got increasingly more and more unhappy there and decided it was time to leave.

But she didn't just pack up and run away. She was like in between moving out for like a couple of months. Okay. Just respectfully, why are we talking about this podcast? I don't know. Would you like a problem? No, no, no, not yet. Because we were talking about one day.

One day you were going to pack it up. Oh, yeah. Are you socially thick? I'm like nodding along, okay, yeah, this episode sounds great. Why the fuck are we talking about this? Not to defend myself, but I had like a 20-page self-tape this morning. And I can't think of anything apart from those lives. Clank, she's looked and busy.

This, oh yeah, a self-tape that you don't get paid. And it was so hard. And I can't think of anything else. Because I had to learn it all and then record it all. in like 20 minutes because Nathan got stuck at Whitechapel to come home

and do it with me. Okay. Just off. But on girls of the place. You were just like, do you ever dream about packing a lot? And then you were like, because anyway,

Kendra doesn't get on with it. I was like, what's, I don't know at what point I should ask why we're discussing this. You must never. So where are we? On the podcast,

I'm still on that. With Richard and Holly, they have their friend on who won Playmate of the year Sarah Do you have a Sarah who won playmate of the year They have her on and she's just done that She's like packed everything in she's like

I'm not modelling anymore doing that And she just lives in the woods She lives in the woods She lives in the woods Like off the land Yeah yeah yeah And her and her boyfriend To build cabins to like stay in

In like different rooms and stuff No On my life she's got an Instagram Well maybe she's an influencer actually Maybe she's got an Instagram On a YouTube But She's not living

even in those cabins, Helen? I think I'm, I think I'm meant to be a swamp person. That's what I would be. You'd want to go off grid? Do you think you'd be alright off grid? Are you quite self-sufficient? Like, could you source food?

I could... Could you cook, like, using raw materials? Yeah, I could... Could you set up shelter? Not, yeah. I'm just saying, my only image of seeing you up against

the natural elements has been that ski trip. Yeah. And it was harrowing watching. I've watched Madagascar several times and when all the, um, cartoon animals are dropped off in Madagascar and they have to build shelter on the

on the beach. This can't be your reference. I've seen Madagascar several times. That can't be your basis. I see myself as a bit of a Gloria. I'm so lost. Andrew, we'll have a problem. Fabulous. Okay.

Wait, Maisie might need a minute just to figure out what's happening. We just had a really nice chat and we've recorded most of the podcast so far and I really enjoyed catching up with you. and I know you've really enjoyed catching up with me. We're going to do a problem that a listener's sent in and we're going to solve it for them. But before that, is there anything you wanted to say

or anything you want to process? No, like absolutely plow on. Okay, I love you so much. When I bought my last car, I felt totally overwhelmed. Is this the right price? Can I trust this listing? But this time around, I used car gurus, and honestly, it changed everything.

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That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S dot com. Why choose a sleep-number smartbed? Can I make my site softer? Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler? Sleep number does that. Cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your sleep number setting.

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Over 60,000 businesses use OpenFone. Try it now and get 20% off your first six months at openphone.com slash business. And we can port your existing numbers over for free. Open phone. No missed calls. No missed customers. Okay. This is a problem from Elle. Hi, Elle. Hi, Elle. Elle says, hello hogs. My girlfriend and I have recently got engaged on holiday in January.

and we are thrilled. Congratulations. Imagine if they said at Disneyland, I'd have been back peddling like you would not believe. On a beach? No, they have a cottage core lesbian dream in mind.

So I doubt that's Disney. Yeah. A Loki wedding, possibly in nature, a few guests and a banging party at a local bowling club. That's the plan. That's the dream. When my partner,

when talking to my partner's mum, however, our hopes and dreams for a small wedding I've been dismissed with I don't like the sound of this and she continues to make comments criticising our decisions. Then she's not invited.

Yeah, totally. You have to, have to put your foot down early here. You've got to wait for this twist. Oh, no. It's clearly she wants a big traditional wedding where all her friends are invited to the ceremony. She aren't... Helen.

I'm guessing. I'm guessing. Ellen. I'm guessing. You can't guess that. She wants a very heterosexual traditional wedding keeps asking my tomboyish partner to say yes to the dress. Oh, no.

Et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, it's not very good. However, my partner's parents are quite well off and she has offered to pay for the wedding in a big expensive venue. She keeps suggesting posh venues to change our mind. My partner pushes back every time telling her it's our choice. We refuse to offer as this could mean she would think she deserve more control over our wedding plans. And she just doesn't understand our low-key choices. What makes the situation...

Oh, fuck. Oh, no. I really should have read ahead. What makes this situation hard? is my partner's mom was diagnosed with cancer right before we got engaged. Helen's your fucking psychic. That's really mad.

That's really mad. I can see things other people can. I was for Helen to be right on. I know. I've really put my foot in there. My ability to see, I can see around corners and conversationally, I see ghosts and I can see things other people can.

I can see a future with people and they're like, I don't see that with you, but I see it. I fucking see it. I'm very sorry, Elle and Elle's partner. Oh yeah, when I skim read this,

I thought this would be a financial problem. So Elle's partners, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I don't know if it's terminal, but she's currently going through chemo and having a really hard time. And this is the same parent that's offered to pay?

Yes, and is dreaming of a big traditional wedding. I think she wants something to look forward to at a time when everything feels out of her control. I can empathise, but I still find it unfair how dismissive and unaccepting she's being. We want to stand our ground. My partner told me,

she doesn't like it when I seem stressed about this, so I can't talk much with her and I don't know what to do. Oh, that is so raw. We really need to start listening to the entire problem before jumping in and that's just on behalf of everyone involved in trusting hearts. I'm really sorry, Al, that's on me as well. Thank you for writing in and then.

Catherine is not here, so that was going to happen. Apologies. Jesus. Honestly, I cannot stress this enough. I'm not coming on this for another three years. Yeah, I'm fair. Don't blame me. Yeah.

Unless it's because you're not. away and Catherine would like it just the wheels come off man I've had the worst thing is Maisie I've had the nicest time with you I've had such a nice chat and I've loved every second of it now Elle do you want me to go first

or would you like to go first oh I'm nervous about what you're going to say I I'll tell you my headlines do you want to think do you want to think think it through inside before you say it outside Definitely thinking out loud feels right for me. Yeah. Because.

Elle, just brace yourself. It is your special day. It really is. And having this wedding, whether it's big and fancy or the way that you want it to be, whether that's small and intimate, that's what it sounds like you want. Like, it is such a lovely thing for her to look forward to. And I think, hmm, it's weird because I know people envision their children getting married and themselves getting married their entire lives

and I haven't actually done I'm not so like I don't understand the importance for some people but like you're still giving her such an amazing thing to look forward to and I think there's so many components of a wedding that aren't the venue that you could give her

full rain over I would just say go to town on flowers a menu or something or like we want the nicest biggest most fancy cake and let her have a portion give her a job that she can yeah yeah totally Give her a thing, and I think, yeah, like, obviously, like, identity and how you want to perform gender, if you want to, like, on the day, like, as far as the dress thing, like, I don't think you need parents involved with that. But I think that's also why you know that it's not necessarily just about, um, else partner's mom wanting, uh, a big, like, it's not about wanting a big send off.

Yeah, yeah. Because there's also the comments about, oh, say yes to the dress. When that just isn't who they are. Um, I think you're so on the right page here. Give them a job. Like, like, you. Yeah, give them something to really focus on that is their, that's their section of it. But as for the whole day, like, even if she pays me, it's not going to be a day that you too will feel connected to in how it is. And, like, it's awful.

It's so awful that, like, she's going through treatment and everything. But, like, it's your day. It's your day. And I think as somebody's gone through the whole, like, wedding planning and had input from both sets of parents who are, very well meaning but they definitely do you're right have this image of like our child's getting married it will be like this it would be like that and there comes a point where you do kind of have to go like no no no no this is this is what we'd like and if you accept the money you give that up

when you do that you give up the autonomy so and also like you you want a small intimate thing so you don't need loads and loads of money for that people make the party you can get so much now like online of like tips of how to kind of save and and and make stuff look kind of no I've never ever been to a wedding and clocked that the flowers are thousands of pounds or I thought that there are specific type of flower I've never like the food I've never been like oh it wasn't it wasn't feather blade beef though was it was a different cut like nobody's that thing nobody's ever bothered about that no like I do think you have to be true to who you two are as a couple

and it's your day. And ultimately, no, no, no, but just one more thing. Go on. Then when you get to your day, despite everybody else's maybe like external input not being heard and all of this, you get to that day, I promise you, it all goes out the window and everybody is just delighted to be there. Like, my friend had this with her mother-in-law.

My friend is pescatarian and her at her feet. fellow's pescatarian as well, and when they told his parents that the food was going to be like a pesky wedding, yeah. Apparently her words were, if you're happening, if you're happy ruining everybody else's day, then that's fine. Do you know what though? On the day, like nobody there was going, it's a bit, where's my state? It's a bit meat-free, though, isn't it?

You know, no, it's amazing. I went to a vegan wedding, it was love. Yeah, but like, you don't ever come away from a wedding going like, yeah, it's all right, but all the options were vegan. you'd have just been fuming if the food was French just that I'm fucking leaving but make it your day guys and on the day nobody will resent it for that

but you'll really think you made the right choice also it's also that we don't know of your family dynamics but like her mom might also be someone who like it's less about it sounds quite controlling but maybe she shows love through buying gifts for people

which is a thing but that's why I think give her a job fucking rings get give her thing and like make her feel special with like no we can't afford to do this and also fuck it you having a small wedding you can still get the best food and town you deserve it totally totally you deserve it totally get them on cars or something yeah yeah yeah yeah get them on cars or get them on flowers get them on like um center pieces or whatever on the on the table pieces yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um get the string a string quartet but you know what you know trying to meet, like, I don't know what your mum's like, but like, maybe, maybe if she's

good at, like, like, Mike's mum was really good at calligraphy. Like, she's just really into, like, her craft. Lush. Lush. So we gave her the job of, like, write your place names. Yeah. She loved it. She loved it. 180 place names. Now, Diane. And she was over the moon. She was over the moon. Yeah, she was absolutely delighted with that. Women, they love it. They love it. Yeah. Women just love jobs, don't know. Yeah. Artie jobs. I think you just need to go, like, this is the circumstances, this is the circumstances, this is the circumstance to get married under it. It's not ideal. It's, it's, it's tricky so I'm going to let go of one part

of my wedding to her to appease it and so we can move on with the rest of it but I am getting the venue and size of wedding I want and you deserve the venue size of wedding you want even under these very tricky circumstances I think that's important it just is it just is and also people that you don't know on your wedding day it's just weird it's so

it's really weird like it's really weird I couldn't imagine like and you have to put your foot down early because like we we did say yes to a few like add-ons and once he say yes to the first few they then come rolling in

like I bet you've got to invite so and so-and-so-and-so well who are they but why do people do that because I never put someone through going to a wedding where they don't know loads of people like because I always and I always end up

and then we're the ones me and Mike were the ones left going where do we put them on the table plan well we don't know because we've never met them on behalf of the guests like I always get shoved on I'm on the king table with all the randons. You're on the weirdo table.

Yeah, because I'm like, well, Helen can chat with everyone. So we're brilliant, Helen can bring the whole table together. And I'm like, yeah, but I want to talk with my friends. Yeah. I'm here to spend time with people at. I never get that problem because I'm socially thick, apparently. So you fucking piece of shit. I say thank you so much to Maisie for coming on the podcast, Andrew.

Thank you so much to me. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a sad note to end on. What a sad note of life, John. Where's your brain, Simon? In your middle toe!

It's good stuff. It's good stuff on the podcast. Maisie, do you want to plug anything? No, I've got nothing to plug. Are you serious? You've got a podcast? Oh, yeah. Do you think there's a big crossover of our listener show?

We've got lesbians. Yeah. Do you have the football lesbians, though? I think some. There's definitely a few, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're kicking about. We're kicking about.

We actually, one of our producers is one of the main journalists for a big club. Stop it. Oh, my God. Well, then. Well, then, if this is the place to say it, then I have a podcast with Susie Ruffel called Big Kick Energy. And it's, we chat about football, but like, not in a exclusive way. The one, like, the whole, like, preface is that, like, I'm a Diard football fan. Susie has only gotten into it in the last few years.

But she's into it now. She's into it now. But, like, the whole thing is, like, there's no stupid questions. You can, like, ask what aggregate is. And Susie still calls half-time the interval. She calls the substitutes. What is aggregate? Understudies.

It's a lot. She calls the sidelines, the wings. There's a lot of musical theatre overlap. What's aggregate? It's a scoring system when you play a leg home and away.

So I just... Thank you so much. Amazing! I just want to say, on behalf of me, on behalf of Catherine, on behalf of Andrew, on behalf of the world,

I guess. Thank you so much. much to our executive producers and our producers. Let's start with the execs. You know them. They're sexy as fuck. They're hot as shit. It's Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Stephanie Catrachia, Oliver Jago, Anthony Conway,

Neil Redmond, Angela S, Sadie Cashmore, Sarah, Deeking. Anda, Amanda, Macaw, Amanda McCall. I can read your name. Amanda, please let me read it. Charlie Weems. Weems. Weems. Weems.

You can say weems as much. as you want. I will always try a different go for it. And then obviously our producers, we don't forget, lest we forget our producers. L. Richard Bold, Harold Van Dyke, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Claire Owen Jones, Sarah and Molly, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Amy O'Reardon, Abby Woff, Matt Sims, Luke Bright, it's Jam, Rainbird. Have I missed a row? I need to follow this with my finger. I have. Leah, Kate, Liz Fort, Tass, Anthony, Chloe Fox, Dean Michael, Sophie Chivers, Chivers, Carrie Soothe, Soothe, Sothe, Sothea, Charlie A, KC, Jam Rain Bird, Tamsin Smith Harding, Ezra Perrigan, Bryn, Laura Pollock, Leah Overan, Stephen Chicken, Haley Singer, Dougie Robertson. I have not struggled with reading that much in a while. I love that you always crack up at Stephen Chicken.

He's a lovely, lovely guy. And I bet, I bet. And I love you, Stephen Chicken. It's just, it's, it's, it's so funny. Yeah. It's so, I really hope that they have a partner and I hope their sound name is cow, so then they can be cow and chicken. Do you remember that TV show? Yeah.

Thank you for your support. Mom had a chicken. Daddy had a cow. Please don't cancel your Patreon. We appreciate you. Oh, don't. You mustn't. No, don't.

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