Trusty Hogs - Ep21. ROSIE JONES / Food, Fruit & Fish Poo

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Rosie Jones reunites with Helen for a chaotic and super fun episode all about girl-bossing, girl-failing, and girl flirting...Rosie has been seen on shows like The Last Leg, Would I Lie to You?, Hypothetical, and QI. She has also written for hit Netflix show Sex Education.Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa DunkeldWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Is this eye on Svansish? Welcome to the 21st episode of Trustee Hogg. The 25th episode of Trusty Hoggs. We're going to talk about our lives. This baby's 21. We're going to sing. We're going to dance.

We're going to have a guest. It's Rosie Jones. What? I know. It's such a good day. Hello. Welcome to Trusty Hogs, the podcast where we help our listeners with their problems and sometimes make it a little bit worse. But in the meantime, we tell you how perfect our lives are.

Because we love to see baby girls thriving. We love to see it. Say girl boss. Say it. I can't. I won't. I won't. Say girl boss. I can't make my friends do what I needed to do so I can't say Girlboss. She's a girl failure. She's a girl failure. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems

and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen. and Catherine has the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not One of those days where I woke up I was like I could do with bonnets being in fashion I wish I could

You could do with it I just don't think you're a bonnet gal You're more like habit you know Oh wow Because of my because I'm Irish Which I think is an insult right Because it's nuns Like you'd be like

What was the Andrew you'll know this You're a gay man What was the name of the ginger nun in the sister act film Sister Mary Catherine I had no idea I feel like you're just

saying random Irish Irish names at this point Mary Frances Also fuck you I could No bonnet girls get fingers She's a good singer Nons don't get anything

What sort of bonnet girl you're talking about You're not thinking I was thinking Amish Oh I was thinking like Sense and Sensibility Cute Right Okay right yeah

We were on different pages We were I was thinking East of Fair like a little decorated bonnet with little eggs and stuff. An Easter. Do I seem crafty to you? Yes. Really?

Yeah, really crafty. I know you don't, but you seem crafty. You got the vibe. I do DIY, but I don't craft. I mean, you get a guy and do DIY while you watch. I don't think that counts as doing DIY. Can I do some of it myself? It's only when I know, but I know my limitations that I will pay a man, if that's what you mean.

Actually, me and Snell just took down a fire alarm. So, yeah, I get it. That does not feel safe. Twas beeping. Yeah, but you have to... No, you replace the battery and put it back room. Yeah, no, there's two.

No, Helen, look at me. You need bows. No, no, I know. So have you put in... So we were beeping, so we had to change a battery, so we've taken it down to change the battery.

And then this morning... Please tell me it's done. I said Tim, because he's going to go film something with Roger Federer tomorrow in Switzerland. So he's flying tonight, but he's got to call him

Roger, which my heart is over the moon about. I'm sorry, what? So we're going to go meet Roger Federer and Switzerland. Something about people going to Switzerland? Okay, you cannot distract me, even with Roger Federer. Look at me. Look at me.

You are made almost entirely of scented candles. You absolutely need a fire alarm. What is the situation? Do you have batteries? It's a small flat. We've already got one. Do you have a new battery. It's just to get up to the fire alarm. I have to be on cherry and cherry shakes. But Francis is coming over mine tomorrow and then we're going to put it up.

You promise me? On my life. You will not light a scented candle until then? Not even the wildflower. Promise me? It's got a woodwork. Did you say wildfire? It's got a woodwork.

Did you say wildfire? Tell you what the worst thing is We now have scented candles That are smell like bonfire Helen They're called embers You're making me so anxious From St Ival

You know what we need to circle back Andrew's happy for me I obviously want to know more about Roger Federer Will the twins be there? Who? His twins I don't I don't know He has sets of twins

Maybe two sets of twins The Mance Well I'm just assuming Soneil's going to meet Roger Federer Because he's got a line talking to him Sorry so he's just going to Switzerland Is that what you meant? I think.

So there's no guarantee of Roger Federer. I'm pretty sure Roger Fedder is involved because he has to call him Roger. Oh, for fuck so. But maybe it's like a CGI thing. So he's going to buy you some Toblerone and coming home. That's what I said, but he said he might not be able to guarantee get me Toblerone.

What? There's Tobleron every airport around. And I've been to Switzerland. And it's made in Switzerland. That's what I said. And Lindt. If anything, he should be getting you like a more niche like Toblerone. Like Toblerone, like Toblerone pistachio or something.

Is that a thing? It could be. Oh, does not say. amazing? Mmm, fit. Holy shit, that sounds so good. Doesn't it?

They should make it. Toblerone, hit me up for a collab. I no longer care about Tony's Chocoloni. All I won is Swiss. Toblerone pistachio. Tony's Chocolonle have been found to have. No. Also, they found slavery in their production lines.

No. They did. Now, the thing is, right, here's the thing. They, because of their processes... It's not funny. No, no, it's not. It's not. It's not.

But it is a bit like the male feminists. in your class being found out to be a bit of a ship boyfriend. Which they usually are. Yeah, and here's the thing, right? They, because of their own processes and their own transparency, actually owned up to it and have found it, right? Give a shit that it's there. And celebrate it. No, no.

Look, we do a slavery, but we're being honest with it. No, and they're like, this is proof of how difficult it is to eradicate in the chain that even when you're trying to, you can't. But what I'm saying is like, you know, if you ate a Toblerone, I don't think you're like a worse person than if you ate at Tony's chuckle only.

And frankly, that's... Do I reckon you could put a toblerone in between like two biscuits, like a sandwich? Yes. I suppose you could use the toadone, like a biscuit holder, like a toast holder, you know, but you have biscuits on a to-o-loaf. Oh, I love. The man is a genius.

Why do we even try... Like this plus the advent calendars, Toblerone is a new toast holder and it melts as you go onto your toast? Stop it. With like proper like sourdough sort of a thing. God, you're good. Thank you.

Fuck save. I went to get a bougie breakfast the other day. Was there a toast? over and told her because if there was, it wasn't even boozy. No, it was one of those ones where you get lied to in the menu. It said that the bread was going to be forcatcher, but it wasn't. What? And I took it well. I took it on the chin.

I just said, thank you and didn't say anything. Excuse me. You know, when you're like, I didn't, I gave like, just a reasonable tip. Explain, so they said it was for catcher and then it was. They didn't audibly say it, but on the menu it said for catcher. So then what did you get? Like a crusty piece of bread. The fuck.

But it's hard to complain when you realize like three quarters of the way through eating it. I don't know. This morning I had coffee with Cindy Vee and she drank the entire Cortado and then said if that was extra hot than this is the Bahamas and took her empty glass in to tell them that it hadn't been hot enough. They gave her another one. Amazing. I could never do that. She had so much authority. So I'd have been like if I didn't get the fcatsia, I'd have been like, I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'd have been like, I'm so sorry. I didn't maybe say on the menu. I could be wrong. So I would be in the middle like apologetic but still ultimately. He gave a 15% tip and laugh. You said reasonable. Yeah, reasonable. We've missed the point of today, Helen,

which is ultimately to find out how did your flat move go? He moved flat. You hadn't seen the flat. Why are you avoiding eye contact? Helen? You hadn't seen the flat? You said that was fine

because you saw a video of it and another Helen was renting it to you. And Helen's a babe, by the way. And Helen couldn't lie. We've emailed like full vibes with Helen. Right. How's the flat though? it's on a slant

okay all London flats are on a slant no like I wake up on the other side of the room it's bad oh you mean it's on like a deep curve yeah and I thought there was one in the living room because we put TV in the corner

so we could watch Seinfeldie but it kept on like slipping a bit and we were like oh that's funny and then Neil was like we've got those the cardboard so it's fine and I was like oh yeah good idea but then my bed just travels are you joking it's really weird like if I turn over

in my bed the bed moves No, no, I'm not. Is your bed on wheels? No. The gradient is that severe? The gradient is so severe that everything goes towards one side of the... It's like being on a boat.

Oh, Helen, no. So I don't know what to do about it, apart from to like, glue the bed to the floor. Don't do that. Don't do that. That creates more problems at the end. That's not it. That's not it. That creates more problems at the end. No, I know that.

I know that. So what I've done is I've put my bedside table there against a wall, which is sloping down. To bolster the bed. in the corner so we get stuck in the corner so then like everything's going to be like on one side of the room and then the top half the room I guess will just be for starting my role I don't know Helen that's a disaster I know but it's great because I finally have a room big enough to put a yoga mat down and I was like I guess I'll be doing sit-ups every morning and now I'm like can't in the slant to be bad for my back but surely the slant could help you if you put the mat in the right direction the slant could help you roll forward for the sit-up I know but then if I get stut up Then Sunil will be like, oh, it got stuck on the floor again and take pictures. Okay.

I have several questions. Okay. Who got the better room? Mine's bigger, but slanty. Okay. Senile's is like more private but smaller. Okay. And has the kitchen?

In the living room. Oh, shit. Did he tell you that? Yeah, no, I know. I saw a video. Okay, so all your things. But then this morning, he was like, oh, I've got these sausages that need to be cooked or they're going to go out because they can't be refurb. freeze and I went okay and he went they need to be cooked and I went okay and he went today and I was like

oh dear so I had to cook four sausages this morning and now everything we own smells like sausage why did you have to come down because it's just one room because he had to get ready to go meet roger federer so when he's how am I not being clear about this are you his maid he had to get like no he was like you've got a choice either you throw the sausages away or you eat them now so I chose eat them now. Why couldn't he do? Sorry. Because he had to get a

COVID vaccine passport but he put his name in wrong yesterday. Okay. He forgot what his name is. Wow. The thing is, I'm being distracted from this entire conversation. I wish, dear listeners,

you could see how fucking great Helen Bauer looks. Her mascara is like, you've done a so, your makeup so well today. Additionally, she started, we're so proud to say, she started the curly girl method.

Literally this morning though, for this. Like a beach, babe, stop touching I told you, I told you stop touching Don't touch it, don't touch it It feels, don't touch it, you'll make it frizzy You look like a mermaid And it's fucking gorgeous

But do not touch it Because your beach wave is perfect right now Y'all wanna go in my blowhole If this is what a mermaid looks like A lot of people would not have had shit for accident Do you don't have blowholes You're thinking of dolphins and whales Yeah

No, but for the Right, I don't want this to be like a classic Like, oh Helen's so thick but mermaids eat yeah where does the shit come out they're not real oh yeah that's you but like aerial

has like a butt flap but if she does it's the same as fish in which case they just have those tiny thin threads oh those long streaky things of poo it's probably down her spine she probably keeps her poo on her spine like a prawn do you reckon fishes compete with each other to have the longest bit of poo

coming out of their asshole I used to do that with my goldfish yeah I remember watching when we had like a little aquarium him a fish. You competed with your goldfish. I didn't, I'm not competing. I wasn't entering the race. I was just a spectator, a bystander. Yeah. Taking bets, you know. You're a fucking

pervers. What was your goldfish called? We had bubbles and squeak and then squeak died, so we had squeakwell. The squeak wall! I love that. But I do hate that you sat there watching them shit. I was like nine. I get it. We had tropical fish in a tank

and they would all like, you know, when they would be shitting, you'd sort of be like, okay, I'll take R2 glug to, you take fudge, and then we would just watch. How does fudge not always win that race? Fudge, fudge, maybe, you know, R2 glug to as a sign he's fighting fish. Wow.

She had a lot of, like, stuff to prove with that shit. Wow. Got an alpha. I didn't realize what we're in, that that was the case. Andrew, Helen has moved to house. Either way, I'm a mermaid. Have you set up the cancel tax? So Neil's done it.

Has he? He said he has. Has he? And I called up the internet and we're getting it tomorrow's. That's just a two weeks without it. Oh my God. Just that sweet two weeks. You haven't had it?

No, it's been really tough. It's been tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy to me. And no puggar gym? I read a chapter of a book. Oh, Helen, you didn't say it got that bad. And also I was reading a book that I thought everyone would be impressed that I was reading.

Have you heard of American dirt? Yeah. Yeah. So I thought it was like this really good story about people in Central America trying to make it up to America riding libistia and like the troubles turns out was written by a white woman so now I'm a dick but I'm too far into it to give up otherwise I can't cross off the one book I've read this yeah I understand no I understand that's tricky that is tricky well we've got yeah no Pokemon gyms no you know what you are baiting me right now to get upset and I'm not going to do it yeah no

poca gym no no I made a mistake I made a mistake my hair looks amazing you're correct and everything and and mermaids don't have buttholes i guess they just shit out their mouth i mean i'm so glad you could accept all of that hey you were in edinburgh and you had some listeners come to your show yeah who were they people don't lie to me no they were really cool people you met the von trappses i can't believe it i couldn't believe they were real i tried calling you but it was like nine o'clock you were 100% on stage i'm so sorry they were like so i was chatting with like loads of like gig list listeners and like trusty hogs listeners outside it was so cool someone got me to sign their mug but i panicked so i gave my like bank signature

instead of like you know helen bauer kiss i wrote like the actual like i was like oh this is fucking this is moronic but i was talking and then these like really like nice girls who were like we were chatting with so i went um with the whither gave on trap sisters and i just freaked out of course i think i just screamed and like fuck off in their faces if anybody doesn't touched one of them. Oh, amazing. It's COVID. I just went,

I love it. I couldn't, it was amazing. It was iconic. If you're listening and you don't know what we're talking about, Helen and I and Andrew

ran a show called Giglist during lockdown, so we did like 60 or 70 live shows on Zoom and YouTube. And there were these sisters who kept coming to the show. And like, they were all called like Olivia, Penelope and Tarragon.

Yeah, yeah. All those. And they kept coming. They were endless numbers of sisters and they all seemed to be gay turns out there are seven of five of them seven of them i'm gonna say 12 and they're all homosexuals with poppy as their name and um aren't they and they're just it's like it's like seven rachels who eat minge and they're all sisters they're all sisters that's crazy

anywho we named them the gay von trap sisters they have never yet sung for us but they squeal about being queer the whole time they're absolute babe they are really are great i can't I met the duvet girls. Like there was like a whole gang there. Do they have legs? It was fucking mad. Yes, yes. Oh my God.

There's these other ones that got the cat from Tim and Dom. Oh my God. Okay, so these two other lesbians who used to come to our show all the time. Bear in mind, we're seeing people's houses on Zoom, but equally these women had an inappropriate amount of blankets. I love them. I love a blankie. Sure, but they only ever had a duvet and they like kept saying that they were having sex,

but it felt like nobody could be if they were on the, had the duve on this over the whole time. And they, I didn't know they had legs. I'm so excited for them. were having like a really nice chat then I had two more gigs to do that night and then I was in Edinburgh so like I mean we're talking about some of the extras but like oh spoiler for extras Helen went to pound town but she's going to me I got splitting two baby but no more details until the extras you've got to pay for our sex lives oh God I'm so excited to hear it was magical

I think you're going to be like almost turned on by it I can't believe you had a better Valentine's Day than I did honestly it's mad it's mad the world we live in I know I know well anyway um You went to Edinburgh. But look, your hair's great. My hair is fine. You got given chocolates. Oh, yeah. So my first time of my tour show, a man showed up to, I think it was Mark Penfold,

but I don't want to give credit if that was the wrong person. He showed up to my show in Lester with milk tray, having replaced it with hog tray, a little trough of chocolates for us all. Oh, my God. Isn't that nice? I will have all of the preline and hazelnut swelts swirls, please. Oh, no, I like the hazelnut swirl too. I'll have the truffle heart.

Okay. I'll just take what's left, I guess. Oh! Correct. Okay, that means you can have the raspberries and cream, which apparently is a new flavor, but it's like, who wants it? Nobody.

Who fucking wants that? What's hilarious is you always pretend and posture up being the alpha, but as soon as I said, I want the, I'm not supposed to be like, back down immediately. Well, you had a bad Valentine's Day, okay? I feel like you deserve the one you won.

And you know what? Plus, I'm probably getting a table around come Friday. That's true with pistachio, as I've decided. If you want to hear about my shit valentines You better pay extra I'm not giving that away for free Now more importantly Did you know how we like

Sex and Tragedy is in the extras I know And it's the wrong way around I really thought I'd be having a better time than you I know I'm sad But I really am happy for you It's okay

You deserve it Just tell me about something like Your hair looks amazing Well I have some gossip for you Did you know that Andrew plays football I knew Andrew played football But like not in a jokey way like you know how okay so in my pharmacy

on my street there's constantly this advertisement for walking football for the elderly so I assumed like that that's not what I'm doing so I assume that's what Andrew would do but I thought like he'd be like the volunteer referee and he'd be getting all the old men to walk slower like slow down Jared slow down I figured that's what he did no

I had this whole narrative in my head turns out Andrew plays like real football at which he gets injured and I just met him in a coffee shop and it took Andrew like 45 minutes to get out of the seat because his His neck is frozen. When I was like, have you had a painkiller?

And the dude's like, yesterday. Basically, Catherine, Irish, fammed Andrew to obliteration. I was like, go get some bloody neurophent. Andrew, what are you going to do about your sore shoulder? Oh, I'll get over it. It's fine. That's not how it works. In physical pain.

I'm in a lot of pain. Yeah, of course you were. You took painkillers 30 minutes ago. Yeah. Okay. I said you could have had two bottles of cap off. six plus, honestly. I don't know that one.

My house was very lovely last night. I came in, he was like, go on yourself a bar. I'll bring you up some wine and pay and kiss. So he brought me up a glass of wine and... How did you get in the bar? God, did he give you a blow job after? No Christ's alive.

Don't you find... No Christ alive. What was that, Andrew? No Christ to life. Did you not get stuck in Bathy? I did fall out a little bit. And then the... My housemate...

How booyant are you? out of the bath. I fell and I hit the landing and there's this big bang and Sam just goes, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. And I took 20 minutes to stand up. But yeah, it's not going great. Have you thought about the walking kind of football?

Walkball. It's called walkball. They advertised it in my local Browns. This was just a specific impact from a specific dive. It isn't normally an issue. But you saved the goal, didn't you? I did save the goal, yeah. I think it's all worth it in the end.

Did your team win? No, we did that. It was a friendly, but no, we didn't win. It doesn't sound very friendly. You hurt your back and you lost. Yeah, okay, yeah. But you know what, though? I kept playing after I hurt myself.

That sounds irresponsible. Yeah, because it's that shock. It takes a while for, like, muscles to hurt, doesn't it? Yeah. I've had that before. Like, I had a big car crash, and I was, like, fine for, like, four or five hours. And then, like, the next two days, I was, like, a bit sore.

What? Like, ages ago, ages ago, ages ago. Oh, my God, okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love you both, like, freaked out. Yeah, because Helen, you're the kind of person who could be like, yeah, got run down on the way here, and we both have to be like, what?

No. No, ages ago. It was Sunil member in Italy. The head-on collision in the arras, yeah. But, like, muscles, it, like, comes up later. Yeah. Goodness me, you're both. Okay.

But no, what I'm saying is, like, it's a thing of, like, you play through it because you don't realize how much pain you're in. Oh, no, I realize. in a lot of pain. I was just surrounded by such manly men that I don't want to show it. Are you at that point of injury

where you're like, come on, let's have a good bruise. I don't think, I think it is bruise but it's like a bone bruise. What? Like you've broken a rib?

I mean, potentially. That is where I landed actually. Andrew, do you want to maybe go to the doctor? Yeah, probably, but we'll finish the record first. I can take you to the hospital. I do you should probably go somewhere after this.

Yeah, I mean, I've got a gig tonight so I'll maybe a tomorrow. I'll do tomorrow. Andrew, you're not a surgeon. You don't have to go to work. You could maybe go get that checked out. Yeah, okay. Should we do a recording of an episode in A&E?

That would be quite good, actually. You walking in like, I can take you to the A&E. I had a fight with Neil O'Rourke in. What was your fight about? It was awful. It was awful. I landed on my foot really badly,

and I was like, and then I went to do a gig. It was in between gigs at Top Secret. This is a couple of years ago, and I like went on the corner of it, and it really hurt, and by the time I woke up in the morning, I couldn't put weight on it

and all the blood had pulled and it was like black on the bottom and I was like I feel like something's broken like there's nothing and I was supposed to be hanging out with Neil and I was like hey I don't want to be a dick

and cancel but like do you mind helping me to A&E and we can just hang out that like fun little friend and he lives very close he was very sweet and he came over and he was like okay yeah let's go to A&E

and we got to A&E and I was like oh should we get a coffee or something and he's like oh yeah I'll go get them and when you're in A&E right you're next to people who had the worst day of their life, right?

People who have had like fallen off their bikes. There's definitely a woman having a miscarriage. He came, I'm sorry, he came back from the Costa with a coffee for me and a milkshake with wippy cream and chocolate sauce. So it looked like he was having a celebration drink. And just sat by down next to me and it's like, you can't have a chucky milkshake with whipped creamy, sprinkles and saucy that close to someone having a miscarriage. You can't.

Stop saying miscarriage, please. And milkshake in the same sentence. It's got to stop. You can't have a milkshake that close to someone who's just fallen off their bike. Yeah. That's better for the edit. Yeah, thank you. But you can't.

And then he didn't see any problem with it. It's a celebration drink in an... I've discussed this before in a podcast. I don't know when I discussed this. This became a full row. No, I was just like, you put that milk. You put that celebrate. That's like pulling out a bottle of Prosecco and pouring glasses in A&E.

Is it? I don't think it is. He says it's not, but I felt like it was very inappropriate because he didn't even offer me one. Oh, so you were jealous? Yeah. You're talking about a time you were jealous.

No, I wanted a coffee, but I wanted the option. I just don't think you should buy a celebration drink and bring it into A&E when I could be dying. And then he got more upset because I went in to get my scan and I charmed the person taking my scan. I charmed him.

And I was like, blah, blah, blah. And then when the doctor called me in... Did you let him take a chest x-ray? I asked him to. And I was like, there's probably a weight limit, am I right? And then, you know, when you're like, oh, I really hope this is an injury or I'm going to feel stupid, like I've wasted time. So they call me through and they were like, oh, it's something, something. But it wasn't like a break.

Like I wasn't getting a car. So you offered me a crutch and I was like, fuck off. And then they basically, I was like, I wanted it to be a bigger thing than it was. So I asked him to call in Neil and tell him that I would need round the clock hair for three weeks. And he did it like a legend. this doctor at Denmark Hill, A&E. Amazing. And so he went to the waiting room and he went,

Neil O'Rourke, and Neil went, like, gathered his stuff. He said somebody grabbing his milkshake. Yeah, got his milkshake, got his baggie, like, oh. Like, oh shit, she's died, she's died. And he only managed to do two sentences of it before I started laughing. But also, in Neil's accident, he'd be like, oh, fuck, I better get my milkshake, don't wait.

And I go, Helen, what can I do for you? Oh my God, is she going to be all right, doctor? Is she all right? Should be okay? So, but like, he did it. So the doctor was so good, he was like, Neil, Neil O'Rourke. Like, I'd passed away just behind the door. It was dodgy as shit.

This is amazing. It was amazing. And also just a really nice test of Neil's love for me. Yeah, and how did it go? Yeah, he hated me after that for about three weeks. That's so funny. It was so fun. Was he going to take care of you?

Was he telling the doctor here? We only lasted like two, three sentences. Can I ask? And I don't want to, it's because he sounds like such a legend, so I'm assuming was the doctor gay? Like who has that level of improv? I don't know. I don't know. It just feels like his improv skills were on fire.

He loved you. You loved him. I think he probably towards the end of a long shift where he's very stressed. And I was like, look, dude, like, I know this isn't a big serious injury, but like, so can we fuck with my friend? My friend thinks it's not a big serious injury. Can we just make out that like something really wrong has happened here just for a moment? And he was like, 100% we can. I think a lot of people want to do that

but they just don't have the guts to ask and I'm glad I'm glad that's how I spend NHS money. That is incredible. Also you would just I mean anyone who listens to this doesn't know the comedian Neal O'Rourke you've got to go check him out because he's so cute. He's adorable. Very funny. Very funny. Very funny.

And he really, he did galavan up. Oh, bless him. With his tummy full of milkshake and you made him panic. That's sinking feeling but you also have too much Dairy. But you know that feeling of like worry for me.

But Neil's the best way I can describe Neil is he's the kind of man who you just know has a glass of milk with his dinner. He does though. Of course he does. He loves dairy. Of course he does.

Like I've been with him in a cafe before where he orders a glass of milk and I hate it. That's disgusting. But he doesn't drink hot drinks. That's disgusting. But I think that's quite common for quite a lot of men.

No, for Mammied Irish boys it is. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah. Fness is like as close to still being on the tit as you can get really, isn't it? It's like milk with your dinner. come on grow up now Neil if you're listening we love you so much yes shout out to Neil Helen

loves you love him that's so cute so you've moved house do you feel like it's your home yet we don't have Mike Tyson prints on the wall yet and stuff so we now we've got to go through that whole painting argument again oh super I feel like it's home I've learned the postcode that's nice no no no no every single fucking time I'm like please stop giving out your address It's good. I think you're like it. When you come over, you'll see what I mean with the slant.

You're flat on a slant. We both have hot gossip about, I know, I'm going to say hot gossip. We both have things to tell you about our Valentine's Day, but we are going to leave that. My click got sucked off. No.

Hell is it. It's gone. Where has it gone? No one he knows. Oh, my but. No. I don't know why it's up. She left her Clint in Edinburgh.

If anybody sees it, please phone. Oh, no. You know what there's no better way to introduce Rosie Jones into a podcast than talking about Clit? Clits, yeah. Say, like, let's suck a clip. It's Rosie Jones.

Yes, but if you want to hear about our successful and disastrous Valentine's days, then please pay extra and join the patron. Also, join become a Patreon because I can't, is it a patron? Join the Patreon become a patron. Yes. Is that right? It's so tricky. It's so tricky.

Anyway, um, please do because we have lots, we tend to tell you our secrets there. Join the patron. Suck a clip. Yeah. It's Rosie Jones. I can get on board sometimes. You can. You wanted to go on board and you went,

Yes! Yes! Hello, it's Catherine. I'm going on tour with my new show. It's called This Isn't for You. Nonetheless, I would very much like you to attend. If you haven't already got your tickets, I'm heading to Lester. I'll be in Soho Theatre for two weeks,

and I'm off to Cambridge, Crawley, Oldershot, Cork, Dublin. We've just added Belfast, which is really exciting. Oxford, Corsham, Birmingham, Bath, Brighton, Bristol, MacFest in Wales, Leeds, Sheffield, Liverpool, Northampton and Nottingham, Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh and Salford. So, you can't say I'm not coming to somewhere at least near you. Please come to the show and more importantly, tell other people, please, see you there. I get that. She's Larry. They are too. Makes sense. And I'm dumb.

Are you now? You're a dom? I think, sexually you are a dom, I've always said so. No, I know you're a dumb. But a top is, not a top, you're a dumb. Yeah. Because you're controlling, you like to be in charge. No, but like there's a difference between a top and a dumb. Really?

She's a top who's also a dumb. so Adam. Well, that makes sense, but you can be at top of that being a dumb. Let's get into this on the show. We're rolling. Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? Rosie Jones is

here? Hi, Rosie Jones. Hello. Welcome. Driving. We're thriving. We're thriving. Welcome to Daddy, look at me. We're not about it.

Rosie Jones. Daddy, look at me, Daddy! She doesn't want to do the podcast anymore, so you're stuck with me. No, no, no, she doesn't have time for you, Helen, she's too busy. Daddy isn't true? She's your weekend, Daddy, look at me, and I'm your real hog. I mean, mom, I mean hog. No, no.

Yes. No. Do you want to explain what happened? Because I've been trying to make out there's been a drama between us as to why we're not doing a podcast. Oh my God, good bless you. Sorry, thank you. Oh, my God forbid, three women talk. I tried to hide it.

Shut up. I'm not a misogynist. I'm not a misogynist. Okay, well then bless you. Bless you. Or, as they say in Spanish, Belize you. We've got emotional guest on, ladies and gentlemen.

She's an actor. I can do that, close. my nanness Spanish nana. Why you have the great hair. And she tans so fast. It's actually obnoxious. It's insane. So, Daddy Look at me. For anyone who doesn't know, I used to do a podcast for Rosie Jones called Daddy Look at Me. I won't hear it. Literally. Catherine refused to listen to it despite the fact she was a guest on it, so I don't

know what the grammar is right now. No, I wasn't. I was a one half of a guest pairing of. And I don't want to talk about it. We're all friends. Women can work together. We can work together. Rosie, let's explain what happened. Well, we love that show. We love doing it.

We enjoy it. We were earning upwards of £10 a month, beach. So you loved it. Yeah. We loved it. No, eight pound. No, you've got eight because your agents took a commission on it. Mine didn't.

They were like, that's fine. So it got to a point where... The studio closed down, basically. Yeah, the company closed. Because it was so bad. No, it wasn't. We went around and we were like, does anyone else want it?

And they were like, what are you listens? And we were like, five really cool kids. And they were like, absolutely not. And they were really saying no? Yeah. I think basically, if you liked it, your fucking love it. Okay. So Helen's podcast have a theme.

But I feel like you two are the perfect parent. Oh, too. I feel like I'm getting the blessing of your first wife. No, I feel like I'm in custody court age 10. And my dad's like, but you're better with your mum. You just are, I mean, I'll try and see you for big things, but you're better with mummy. And I like being with mum, so I don't give a shit. I don't want to go thought park with you.

It's okay, Helen. As friends were perfect, but I podcast house, you made me louder. And I made you even more. emotional. Yeah, I see it. So, and then, yeah. There was a lot of crying between recordings for the two of us. I'm not going to lie. I thought Rosie would take the easy way out here,

be like, oh yeah, unfortunately I got a bit busy, but it's so great that you have this podcast. She's like, to be clear, I never want to podcast with you again. We're better off as friends. Yeah. It's not me, it's us. I will want to do it if I could. The problem was is... You would never do it for joy.

The good thing about Trustee Hogs is we have a Catherine and a Helen. With Daddy, look at me, we had a Helen and a Helen. Yeah. And that situation caused a lot of our guests to leave, like, physically shaking, physically shaking. Angry, sad. Really confused as to what happened.

Did you always start by tonguing each other? Yeah. Often. Okay, so I can see it now. We're getting like a really nervous straight male comedian. And we'll be the two of us being like, we'll start. No, no, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. And they would just sit there not knowing what to do with her hands.

I really don't enjoy this. I wish that you would stop. Oh my God, there's so much wetness. There's a real wet sound. And then I kept being ill towards the end. What I'm so. Oh my God, when you came in, so we've podcasted together on our periods,

but we're like fine on our periods. We weren't great. We weren't great. We were more like we emotionally take it out on each other. Rosie came in physically. dead and had a bucket next to her to throw up into. Why?

We were you hung over? No. Like period, period pain. Oh, until my pain is so bad it makes me vomit. Oh, you poor things. So, was it Will Duggan? I think it was Will Duggett

and I think also I didn't know you were on your period which was weird because I usually, like, I track your cycle. She came up and I wrestled. her to the ground of excitement and that did not help didn't help rose that's horrific yeah okay the point is though we are thrilled to have you on this podcast and I think I was playing that spit thing you know when you got them on the ground you're like you're spit and you suck it up in time so it doesn't fall on them yeah that made you're very upset just thinking about it but it was

really fun because you were on the floor and because you're a dom but like I was doming the situation you were a dumb sexually she's a dumb I think I A top or a dumb? I thought a top was a dumb. Not necessarily no. I think you're such a dom that you assume it's all dumb. Yeah, you might be. But like, so, because like I will, well, I mean, I don't make the rules,

but I would think of, like, a bottom and a top as, like, and also, like, there's often, like, verse tops, verse bottoms, right? Yeah. So, like, people. Vers top being, like, a versatile top. Exactly. Which means someone who could be top or bottom. Yeah.

but with a preference for being top, right? So I would say us. I'm certainly a... Oh, I'm a pillow princess. I'm not saying that. Okay, you're a big old bottom. Okay, she's a bottom. Do you one.

I'm having a rest. She's a big old bottom. I'd say I'm like a verse top. But a top, I think, is like a person who likes to be in charge of the situation, dominate the situation, but like in a, in a like... Yeah. Oh, very like, shall we say soft way? No, you've got a strong grip.

You're like an eagle. Oh, yeah, no, sorry. To be clear. You're firm, but fair. I think a dumb is less concerned. It's more like... I think your firm but fair, Rosie's quite like prison wardenie, I guess.

You're very strong physically. That it is. For me, it's the difference between an English teacher and a prison warden. And I'm an English teacher. Not can you, may you? I cannot teach. English in prison.

I think yes. I think we allow anyone to live the sexuality they want on this show. I think yes, please. That is not a sexual. How much of a movie does that sound? Rosie Jones has an English teacher in prison.

Come on, lads. Let's read. Get it out. Mice and men. It would be a women's prison and it would be a sexy film. Real fast. Rosie teacher them 50.

50 shades of grey. But it could be a gal and a gal. Now that wasn't come a top with dumb tendencies. Yeah. I don't think it's a dumb tendency with you. No, no, that makes more sense. For example, do you need submission?

Yes. Or do you like a bit of pushback? I love how you're looking at me because I'm trying to ask on behalf. Rosie went through a couple of years, a couple of years ago. She exclusively wanted to date and fancied and went out with women who she could physically dominate.

Tell them how tall you are, though. Five one. Five one. Which meant that she could only go out with women, sub five foot. But not children. It was a nightmare for you. Only said that when currently date until morning

with five foot one. Equals. Make it work. Panic stations last week she wore heels and I was like fuck this and actually

this might be more dumb. You told her to take them all? Yeah, yeah, okay. She's a dumb, it's not dumb tendencies, no? No, that's another category though we're forgetting, which is the toxic masculinity of lesbian. I it's a real thing like there's a degree of like lesbianism that cannot handle that for example

when you're like I'm the one who's in charge or I'm the like the alpha in this dynamic then like they hate when you were hearing heels I've had so many lesbians who I've dated who hate me wearing heels because they're like like in the same way that if I was taller than a male partner they would be and it's not about sex it's about I just think it's mad as a six-foot-one woman were having this conversation about a woman who's five foot wamping on heels and be like that's mad she was massive i'm saying it's toxic i'm saying it's toxic i'm it's not me but there's a certain kind of lesbts who likes to pull out chairs who likes to pay for dinner i like those things oh you do fucking love doing that i've got this who would hate to be proposed to

wants to do the proposing who's like taking your fucking heels off. Like you own your own Netflix account, you know? Yeah. Like, I'm Disney and Amazon and now TV. Thank you. You're just paying your own wages. It's not the brag that you're making it.

Thank you. Also, when we were out, I, oh, God, It's a toxic. I got her to stand in the road while I stood

on the curve. Why? Why can't you just walk on the pavement together? Oh, so that she'd be the same height? Yes. Oh. That's a life risker. It's funny because usually

this kind of lesbian would usually be the kind of person who makes you walk in the inside so they can protect you from the road. whatever they have. Oh, yeah, the curbside. I've had guys on that report, yeah. I did that, so we called walking kids and I called Sturberton. Yeah, because God forbid you have to look up.

But also, she's not innocent. Oh, yeah, victim blame, here we go. I'm going to like to apologize to you because when he went, there's a toxic level of lesbianism for toxic masculinity, I didn't believe it. And it's like, can you please let me have a word with my co-host? Please do not speak over me with your top-smuggling way. Please do not do that, my love.

I'd like to apologize to you, Catherine. I feel like I gave you a look early on that was like, what the fuck is she talking about? What's this new lesbian thing? 100% I see you, I hear you. And I'm actually that I know it now because I can go home tonight and go through all the trauma I've had with Rosie over the years. It also comes with a little, sometimes it can come with a side order of a little bit of biphobia. It can start. No, no, good.

Not always, but it can. It can. You're about to say she loves a bi-quain. Oh, that's because she loves straight presenting women because she thinks there's such a thing because of toxic masculinity. Oh! Sorry.

Oh, no, I'm toxic. We've all done toxic things and relationships. Don't you worry. I've been toxic before. I've been toxic. I'm super toxic. This is just not how. But in my difference, I did the curb shit.

Yeah. Because she kicks me, pulled away, and went, and she went, well, and she went, I don't think of her baby, kick someone shorter than me, baby. And then it really hurt your feelings because it's basically like she's saying you have a small dick, So you were like, I don't have a small dick.

I've actually got a massive vagina. Get on the street and you'll see looking up with my dick. From the bottom, it will look stupid. What happened, Rosie Jell? Yeah, yeah. Do you, I don't know whether this would be the right thing to do right now, but this is a healing thing for all of us. I think it would be good if you just took a moment just to like talk to the microphone

and just say sorry to anyone that you've been toxic to in the past. Almost like to be like, I'm sorry to all the women. Do you not the Irish one I am, I would be... I don't think I'm toxic. Am I, give me an example of me being toxic? Do you ever go cold just to give a girl who doesn't eat at your coat? Maybe. Yeah, do you make women in heels take them all before they go out with you

so that you still feel like a boy? Don't look at me. She'd like to plan and pay for all the dates because ultimately you want to treat her but also it makes you feel like a badass. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.

Do you base your romance style off Daddy Warbucks adopting Annie in the 1982 alien-in movie, Annie? Yeah. Do you make them call you Daddy? Okay. I think we're done here. Fair play to you.

Fair play. I'm sorry, but like it's toxic, It's winning, right? Can I bet? Let me see. You definitely buy women underwear. I haven't. But I would.

Yeah. I would. Let me be clear. I know all of these things, Rosie Jones, because those are the women I date. Wait. You date each other. I would say that I am the, like I'm the inverse of whatever this is. I tend to attract the.

masculine toxic that like that I mean by the way not not exclusively I'm just saying this see I'm a bit more like this I like to be in control yeah I like to be in control everywhere apart from bed bedroom but like in general like I want to plan what we're doing I want it to be

really fun I want to like treat you like I've got that if there's a film I like I want you to see it because I really like it and I think you'll love it like I am a planner but not maybe in the regard of I know this is interesting um you say toxic i say romantic they always fucking do they say stalker i call it being there you say homophobic i say traditional oh no i'm thinking about a day i went on last week

and I want to vomit now because what's that. Why, you're on your period. Ooh! Lads, lots, lots, lots, lots, lots, Lance, Lance, Catherine. Lance. Yeah. Tell us that you, Jay.

I went on a day, open the menu. and that because I said she was into it. You were like, let me order for you, we'll have the tasting menu. Yeah.

Oh, how did you know? I met you. She dated you for five. I was like, don't even look with having the tasting menu. What was on it? I've never done a tasting menu. Did you also order the wine? Yeah.

Oh, for fuck's sake. My favorite one. Your favorite. Yeah. Your favorite. Because she wants her to experience it with her. But did you ask for what she likes? Doesn't matter.

I sure like it. I did say a little bitch. I went to that. Last time I went to dinner with Rosie, I rejected her offer. Remember when we went for pub roast at the end of your street, and we were planning to have a pub roast together on Sunday. But then I wanted pizza because they had a wood-fired pizza oven. so I had pizza instead, and she looked upset.

And it was just really bad happen because they came from different kids. Oh, for Foxx, so they weren't even timed together? No. Also, Sundayland's like it's like an energy, it's a vibe, your shame. I don't understand why you got so upset because my garlic bread, because you know when you're having a pizza,

you have to have another pizza as well as her roast. She ate half my fucking garlic bread for having a full roast dinner. And like five pines, it was fucking disgusting, frankly. remembered how much of your garlic bread she ate, huh? Yeah, a lot of it. I went, help yourself to a bit, and she just fucking wolfed it down.

Who has her half garlic bread baguette before having a full rind? No, no roast. Like 40 minutes. Wait, then. Wait, okay, okay. We have a problem to solve. She started it.

And I don't want to bring in this. This is quite a left turn. I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying. Okay, here's what I'm going to say Rosie, you should have ordered your own garlic bread

but frankly She doesn't say food I'm not done, hang on, hang on Rosie, I was on your side you had to let me I was trying to do a shit sandwich I was trying to give a bit of to her before I took it away

but you honestly you should have ordered your own garlic bread but in reality you should never been put in this position because you both should have been having the roast you committed to regardless

we are moving on we have a problem to solve and I'm not going to listen to this argument anymore. Sorry. Helen. Sorry. Sorry.

No, no more kissing. I love that Rosie. You keep going for the mouth and Rosie wants no part of it. No part. Rosie's into a girl. So she's trying to be polite and not kiss you all the face.

That was happening. Yeah. Whereas when I'm seeing a guy, you're more than happy to hang out with them all night and get them to give you lifts home. But God forbid I work at you when you're dating.

Sorry, let's have this. I like him though. Yeah, we all like him. The listeners won't know who we're talking. It's the person. It's in the experts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So let's talk about, um, the problem, Andrew. Let's hear it. Yes. This is from S. Hi, Ed. Hi, yes. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. Um, for the last six years, I struggle with my mental health because of anxiety, depression, bouts of agoraphobia and a whole lot of unresolved trauma. Wait, sorry, anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, and trauma. Yeah. Oh, that's a combi.

It is. And also, I'm sorry to hear that. Six years of a long time to be in pain. I've got a combi too. It's a nightmare. Yeah. It's nice to just have the one and really focus on it. But anyway, carry on.

Like a lot of people with agoraphobia, it's gotten worse because of old Miss Rona. Agrafobia caused me to lose my job and my home, which then led me to my depression becoming unbearable. When my depression is bad, I shut everybody out. and I now only have one person in the whole world that still speaks to me. I'm in an all right place at the moment and I can finally see myself getting better.

But do I try and rebuild the friendships that I lost even though they haven't reached out to me and they've known what's been going on? So do I do that and if so, how? Or do I focus on getting myself back to 100% and building new friendships? If you think the latter, can you give me some tips on how to speak to people

as I've lost all social skills and my go-to is to make very dark jokes about my failed suicide attempts like the time I tried to drown myself in the bath and Alexa out of the blue played Nicole Shirtzinger don't hold your breath which is amazing

yeah we've all back to the bow and to end on a nice high PS I'd have hit rock bottom a lot sooner if it wasn't for you three and the gigglers gang so thank you for always managing to make me laugh and feel free to joke about me and my mental health I do it all the time now and if anything it helps

which is a good attitude to take when Helen Bauer is addressing the issue No, I'm, to be honest, as someone who I make, I mean, you know this, both as very close friends of mine. When I, I mean, I was close friends both of you when I was in crisis. And, like, I made awful jokes about it constantly because that was a coping mechanism for me. The jokes were structurally bad. I'm going to jump in just about the way that was written. I will say, the fact that you are able to write this means that you're already in a better place than you think you are.

The fact that you can actually do that. And also. And they've said I'm in a better place, which is well done, by the way. And then... Well fucking done for dragging yourself out of the hole. I know so don't acknowledging that you're better. Yeah. But you're not there.

Yeah. That's not the other thing I want to address is the waiting to be 100%. A hundred percent doesn't really exist. Like 100% can come for like two minutes and then go again. So just at a point where you're able to acknowledge it and it doesn't like stop every second of every single day being a unbearable struggle. so trying push the idea of 100% out

because that's an unrealistic pressure to have on the soul because I used to think that and it's mad no one gets to 100% apart from like I don't know Scott Dessick when he became a lord you know and that's just a whole this is keeping up Kardashian season for it We know

100 pressure When he became a lord he was very happy Was he with Courtney at the time Look we don't have time that's not the point We're back to us I also want to say that I think your Alex is amazing yes that was very funny but more that

your language I think is interesting because you said I'm very good to shutting people out so then and also they haven't contacted you so just be like I'm a person who very much shuts people out when I'm in pain and I think it's hard for people to all like you might think they know what's going on with you

but they might not know how to process it how to help you maybe you're not a person who seems like they want help even though you're desperately crying out for it. I'm quite a high functioning depressive. And I think it's, so I understand if you're like, if there are people when you're talking about people who knew what was going on the whole time,

if there are specific people who you really feel failed to you, you are not duty bound to confront them or deal, like be friends with them. But I think there's a whole lot of people who probably maybe feel like, oh, unfortunately you fell out touch or also everybody, I will say this, everybody was struggling during Corona. Like, oh my God.

Like my most, the friends I have who are like, I've never had any mental health problems, which is like crazy and unabstermint, right? You're like, oh, yeah, maybe you keep a diary for a while. But even those people were desperately struggling. So it was a really painful time for everyone. So I would say reach out to your old friends and tell them that you'd like to see them. But also new friends are also good because it's nice to not always be defined as the person you were. I think when you go back to an old friend, like post, I'm going to say break,

breakdown for shorthand but it might not be a breakdown like you then have to discuss said breakdown and that can be very triggering and very traumatic so both maybe know if you're going to like have that moment if you are able to do it with that person and whether you feel safe with them having that knowledge about you you know and them doing with it as they will because some people aren't able to be around mental health for their own reasons or just because it's just not the way their bill and that just might not be the right friend for you at this point and there's no rush back to them you've got one who's amazing yeah there will be others but they may be new but pick carefully who you go back to yeah and also go ahead and they don't do it all that once don't be like right

and getting my friends back and going to see a different friend yeah every name no no no no no they're too much just pick like oh blah blah i actually am thinking about them a lot yeah i make them reach out to that one person and see how that goes totally and how that make you feel and then move on. Totally. And you don't have to trigger your agoraphobia with it. Like if you want to FaceTime, FaceTime them. If you want to just be an audio call, audio call. Yes. Yes. Also, like, when I am struggling to go out into places,

the one thing I'd say that helps me is, like, arrange to meet people near your house. Like, you know, getting across the city, it can be such a monumental, like, fear. I remember, do you remember once in lockdown we went to a park by yours? because you were like, I need to go out, but I can't not be in walking distance to my flat. Yeah. So we got like a coffee and just walked with it in a park, but then you were home like in five minutes as soon as you're having.

It really helps. My new favorite thing is I meet friends in a park and walk. Yeah, it's so nice. We all watch Bridgeton and now we promenade. Yeah. It's fucking tragic, isn't it? Also, you know, we're getting older. We've got to get those steps.

You know what I mean? Like, let's do it. Yeah. Oh, S, also, yeah, get a pedometer. Yeah. I think that's what we're really trying to say. A new thing to feel that of it. Are you aprophobic?

Get a pedometer. Count me of steps in your house. Yeah. And so I think meeting people near your house is good, but also meeting people where there's like a less pressure to necessarily socialize. By that, I mean, big fan of the cinema. It's like we can meet before. We can even get a coffee before if you want.

But then there's a set time where we're going to do this thing. And the thing is in the dark. with no talking and if you want to if you're like after it's like I could still we could be like do you want to get something

whereas if not it's a logical end to go oh that was great do you want to address the fact that you've been trying to get me to go to the cinema with you for the last two weeks

no I actually want to see things is that because you don't want to have a social pressure on the situation I assume you'd talk all the way through the movie sorry with it remember when we went

to the cinema I remember the most iconic cinema trip with you was book smart Yeah such a good movie middle of midweek middle of the day

We took in a picnic from Sainsbury's Yes did we talk We talked We talked to live We had the whole Cinema to ourselves

We were like We were riffing We were riffing But yeah What else can That's a good idea The cinema Because it's like

This thing As someone I don't have agoraphobia So I don't know Exactly how it presents itself but is it something that can be really like severe and very frightening and like all encompassing one day

then another day you're able to go out? Yeah, I think so and I also think it can be one of those things where you can feel absolutely fine to go out and then out and you're like oh God no I absolutely have to be back immediately or it can be one of those things where you think I couldn't go out today but then if you do nudge yourself out you actually have a better time than you expect

so I just think like out's like being near your house or going to a movie are good I also think, as you say, zooms and bas-times are really good shows and a good way of hanging out. Is there anything else that Esca could do in terms of making new friends? I don't know if this is useful, but you know Miranda, Miranda Hart? She is agoraphobia and she wrote her sitcom while she did agoraphobia and that's why she put fruit friends in the sitcom Miranda

because she made friends of fruit that she put googly eyes on. Please be going somewhere with this one's positive. Please go to like, this is a great time to create. Just because Miranda made new friends. friends with the fruit, would it be possible for S to get hold of some googly, gougly eyes and stick it on a banana, best say. And then write a sitcom. And then write and then write a sitcom. I mean, no pressure, but once you're over your mental health stuff, how about you write a sitcom? I really was like, and we're going to talk about how creative. It's like, no, no, you're going to

suggest fruit. Also, I know it's awful, but like jokes about failed suicide attempts. I mean, We've all done them. We all enjoy them. I mean, you famous, yeah. I have an entire bit of my show. Yeah, you do. I mean, go see Catherine Shrow is on at the moment. Go see it on tour.

I'm seeing it at Soho. That's in the dark. You can bring a friend and people from Giggis will come for sure. What else can make friends as adults? Yeah. Fruit friends. No, stop it. How else do you make human friends as an adult, Rosie?

I make friends and fruit work. I know. Is that lame? No. No, no, it's not. It's just, did S say they'd lost their job? Yes, yeah. But they're probably looking for work?

Yeah. I mean, I know this isn't very useful going to have much experience in other industries, but I always, like, my closest friends I've made from working in cafes and bars. It's not like the hardest work or the best paid work, but it's great. And you sort of hang out. I met France is working in a cafe. Like, Alice, like my whole gang comes from these sort of jobs. Usually when you got a job like that, you've all got a bond.

Yeah, because you get like an asshole customer, so you're all together being like, here's a fuck wet. Like, it's good. Also, like, time to chat and hang while you're also doing your job. Totally. Or tell you who's really close, those protesters on Parliament Square. Oh, my God. They all live in like little tents next to each other.

That's a built-in community, isn't it? They seem very friendly. You don't have to get a home. You just need to get a tent. Yeah, which can be, they can be expensive, millets. That's not, but there's not just millets. There's loads of camping shops in Southampton Street in London. There's a whole row of them.

My mum goes there before she goes in one of her spiritual walls. Come to Giglis Live. Yeah. Come to, comedy is always nice because you can go by yourself and sit near the back and get in the dark. Or cut yourself off from everyone. Who needs friendship? No, that's not where we're going with this. No, no, no, no, no.

Helen. Helen. Helen. That's good advice. Yeah. Yeah. And if you ever feel lonely, just ask about. That's your own.

That's what I would do. I can't whine if I'm sad. So Neil's been away for, he'll be away for like two nights. So I'll just wank every night. I can't wank if I'm sad. Really? Really? I find it a great distraction.

Yeah. I really don't. It makes, I have to like, it makes me just. If I'm really sad. Yeah, it just makes me feel sadder or else I just like can't even get in the mood to. Not even like dry humping a pillow. Why would I ever do that? Yeah, why would you?

Who would ever? I don't know who would do that. That's where you put your face. Why would you say that? Helen, that's where you put your face. That was weird, Rosie. Helen, that is where you put your face. Yeah, no.

I don't do it. Are you taking the pillowcase off after? It was a joke. It's a comedy podcast. Are you taking the pillowcase off after? I was joking. Are you taking the pillowcase all faster? You're changing the subject.

No, you used a bottom pillow. That still goes back on the bed. That still goes back on the bed. What we're saying, S, is you've got two pillows under your hair. No, no. The bottom ones are fucking, the top one for Rusted.

Oh, my God. What's that amazing? Oh my God. I've literally just solved this for you. What is that amazing episode of 1330 rock where James Franco appears on it as a cameo as himself and he has to pretend to have a relationship and his agent sorts them out with it

because he's in a relationship with his Japanese body pillow, Camico Chan. And it's like a full-on pillow with an anime woman printed on it And he was like, this is Camico Chan Would you like to say hello? Allegedly a predator? No!

Yeah. Yeah, afraid so. Oh my, come on, guys! James or Dave? James. James. James or Dave, did you say? Who's Dave Franco?

He's the younger brother who's married to... I'm Googling James Franco. No, not Breelars and Breed, somebody think else. She's in... Because I like, Dave. Yeah. No, sorry. Wait, I like James.

What's happened? Oh, no, lots, it turns out. Yeah, lots of allegations. What was James Franco charged for? Sexually inappropriate behaviour by five women. Four of him wear his acting studio. For fuck sake. Yes.

You know what? Don't let him ruin Japanese body pillows for US. I am not having another man ruin body pillows for babes. You know, I'm sick of it. I've got five at home and they're good guys. I have a body pillow, like a pregnant pillow. Oh my God, for like sleeping for comfort. You are a method actor.

And I am she boon her. Her. What's her name? So it's amazing. So there's a big pillow and a little pillow that fits in the middle pillow. Your clit, big pillow. It looks like a clit. You're disgusting.

And the big pillow is called Gwendolyn. That's nice. And the little pillow is called Jeanette. Wow. Gwendolyn and Jeanette. That's really nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you ever call her Gwen for short? Yeah. Gwen and Jan. Because it's a Gwendolyn Christie. love her love her a bit tall for you though and she

and then the little one is Jeanette Winterson cranky oh my god amazing amazing you're ridiculous on that note

you're fucking welcome that's a problem solved ding ding should we get a buzzer I think it's like nothing here to be honest good luck with your mental health journey Rosie Jones you've been amazing Tell us what you'd like to promote

Where can people find you Not that they could ever not find you If anything, it's hard to not find you Let's give out your address Too, too, no no Have you spoken to your new neighbor again by the way? No, you scared him off I wasn't, that was charming

Yeah, I believe no I'm on social media at Josie rounds. Like Rosie Jones were with the R&J swap. Got it, got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. The second book is coming out this summer. A cafe Ediacott. Adventures of Edie Echo? Yeah. I'm in casualty. She's in casualty.

And turn on Channel 4. At any time. Any time. The confidence. I'll bring that. Rosie Jones, everybody. Yay!

We so appreciate the support. Please help us keep the podcast going. Thank you so much to our exec producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Gina Batista, and Mary Fox. We are so grateful. Thank you. And thank you also to our wonderful producers.

Oh, yes. Melissa Dunkeld, Karad Duke, Sarah and Molly, Aidine McQueen, Caitlin Liff, Joe Holmes, Kim Doyle, Lee Myers-Coff, is that how I say? Yeah, that's it. Rachel R, David Walker, Tim and Don,

Kira Leach, S-dubs, L, Richard Ball, Sedy, Cattimore, Neil Redmond, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Anthony Conway, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, we're so grateful. Watching that list grow, it's so nice.

It makes me feel like it's Valentine's Day every day. Oh, behave yourself, in that she is almost coming, but not quite. Oh, my God. all happening so fast. Please, join us.