Trusty Hogs - Ep22. KEMAH BOB / Crayons, Car Shares & Cliff Hangers

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Kemah Bob joins the Trusty Hogs to discuss AmDram, Poet Lovers, and Pervy Men...Kemah can be seen: hosting It’s A Sin - After Hours, co-hosting The Island (Dave 2021), on Richard Osman’s House of Games (2021), Question Team (Dave 2021), Stand Up For Live Comedy (BBC One), Jonathan Ross' Comedy Club (ITV), Don't Hate The Playaz and Stand-Up Sketch Show (all ITV2).Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa DunkeldWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

To springtime. It is. Welcome to episode 22 of trusty hogs. Oh, goodness. So cute. Yeah, so great that we're still doing the snorting. Piglets are being born up and down the country. Little baby hoggies.

Welcome. Little babes. Welcome. So this is a podcast where we endeavor to help our listeners with their problems, they write in. We solve it. Do we sometimes make it worse? No.

Do we actively create new problems? No. Do we ever give any good advice? Yes. the point is in the meantime we distract you with the perfection of our own lives because we're real givers here. I love that we're still on the same page

with this. Right? It's kind of right. It's like we're hosting two different podcasts alongside each other. Welcome to Trusty Hogs. To the fog step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah you're going to give them your problems

and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White On the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not But tell me, tell me about your springtime I mean, you're thriving this week I am thriving this week Well, I'm at Soho Theatre I'm in the midst of a two-week run downstairs With my new show

It's called This isn't for you But it is for you and I would like you to attend. There are still tickets left for next week. It's a magical show. Thank you. That's really good. You came on the first night.

I came on the first night. I also saw it twice in previews. She's a very supportive friend. So if anything, I'm lip-syncing at this point. Yes, I know. Sing it only you say the word. And then the lesbian left me. It's not a hard chorus.

It's the same one every week. Jamila, Jamil! Is that a post? No, I'm not getting away too much there. It's not a spoiler. No, it's fine. She was there in the crowd. No.

If only, if only, I've got to tell her there's a bit of editor in it, actually, maybe she'll come. Does she live here? No, she lives in L.A. Of course she does. I don't know, but she has such a beautiful dog and boyfriend. Do you feel like she's someone who would end up on the real housewives? Oh, God, no.

I think she's like, she's about to do, she's in a Marvel film. Yeah, but like, you know, Kyle was in Scream. Yeah, I think like she's actually in the Marvel film, though. Sorry. Oh, my God, that was Katty. That was Katty. And she, like, produces James Blake's music and stuff. She's got a lot going on.

James Blake, remind me. her boyfriend. You sing sad songs. Oh, I love sad songs. Yeah. So she, like, co-writes and producers. Oh my God, good for her. A lot of caps, this lady. She's very cool. She's busy. So, yeah, there's that song. I'm at Soho and there are tickets left, essentially. Yeah. And I do talk about Jamil and Jamil amongst other things.

Oh, and we forgot to say, we have an amazing guest today. I love her so much. She's so beautiful. She's so great. And she has such a great voice. Kima Bob's going to be here. So exciting. Oh, my God. I'm going to sneeze. Oh, my God. stop is that your sneeze fuck off

that I have never been more angry in my life that is not real is that real you went like a tinkerbell sneezing like an anime school girl when I sneeze I'm usually fart at the same time

I'm sure pressure on my body but you know the noise as people make through sneezes they're so performative right you don't need to make all that noise my dad sneezes like oh He sounds like a seal clapping.

All dads do that and it's not necessary. So that for you, you're done now. That's as much as a take. Literally nothing came out your nose. There's no need. Do you know what I mean? There's just no need. Do you ever get hay fever or allergic?

Yeah. Yeah. Are you like a tap then? What do you mean? Like I used to, so I had really bad hay fever at school. I've grown out of it, but I used to be on what we called, I called it the trilogy, which meant that I had like tablets, nose spray and eyedrops.

Oh yeah. I don't have eyedrops, but the rest, yes. And I would, like, always be known as, like, the wet-sleeve girl. Because, like, I never had tissues. But it was me, and my friend Sophia Ward, she was the year below me, but she always had, like, bad hay fever as well. And we just constantly be damp. That's profoundly disgusting.

I know. It was weird because, like, we weren't, like, I mean, she was hot. But, like, I wasn't like, oh, here comes wet-sleeve hell. That's really gross. And I was just always damp. I was more of the kind of eight-year-old who would have had a small packet of, miniature packet of individualized tick tissues. Yeah, I'd get tissues.

So my yoghurt would spill on it or something, like a froub. Oh, wow. We would not have been friends. No, I think we would have admired each other from a distance. I don't think that's true. I think I would have been jealous of like how good your pencil case was. I imagine you had a really good pencil case, like really neatly kept. Actually, I had a groovy chick pencil case.

A tin one. Oh, my God. For anyone who's not watching on using you and using a groovy chick t-shirt. That's crazy. And I'm dirty and adorable. Yeah, absolutely. but yeah so no I would have asked that you didn't touch my things but um did you always have sharpened pencils well yes in that I was ready for schools you know every now and again I shop in my crayons at home

and it feels like I'm just thriving your crayons as opposed to your coloring pencils my coloring pencils my crayons are you you you pair your crayons they're in a mug that doesn't feel right in a mug on my desk I hate the smell of crayons next to my um Edinburgh Comedy Award nominee Oh, for fuck's sake. Fongstakes. I mean, they keep falling off the desk because of the slant. But still, like, they're there. They're there.

Christal. Come on, I want to hear more. So you're doing So Ho, but you're also still learning to drive. Oh, my God. So actually... Do we owe the people an update? Yeah, so I'm actually using this opportunity of... Because I only have Soho on, I get part of this stuff in.

I'm driving every day. Oh, amazing. And also, I'm alone. So I needed to be out of the house. So I just thought I'd book it in every day. Yeah, no, 100%. I can't afford it. But this lady keeps me.

company. Anyway, please sign up for our patron. Call my mom. But yeah, no, I'm real bad. And the second I don't

drive, like pretty much every day I forget everything I've learned. And I seem to be getting more nervous. But the reason that's because it's getting

close to the test. Yeah, it's, yeah, it is. It really is. And I don't know the things. Also, how are men not a listed hazard?

I'm serious. I'm the most dangerous people on the road of anything, not huge vehicles, not motorcycles, I heard it was push-bikes. It's men. It is men.

They walk in the road. They open their doors into the road. They break the rules of the road. By the way, which seems to be just a suggestion to people who have passed. I thought the rules of the road, but you don't talk about the rules of the road. I thought they were fucking follow the rules. Nobody follows the rules. Well, the rules are looked both ways.

What's that song? If you're walking down the street, mind your head and watch your feet. If you don't stay alert. Come on, guys. You could end up getting her. You've got to stop and think and you'll be king of the road. Okay, well, here's the problem. Did anyone else not learn how to cross the road with the headshot?

These men don't stop, but they don't think, but they do think they're kings of the road. Yeah. Fucking, you're creating. That's a big hedgehog. And the best thing is, my driving instructor, she just agrees with me. So she's just like, whenever I, something's come. Instead of saying, she'll usually say like, mini roundabout, round about, like she'll name the hazard. And then she just goes, man.

and it's so great she's amazing but here's the reason that I keep going back to her and I think I might just continue driving lessons even if I pass my test probably won't

is... For company? No, well yes and I'm going to do pass plus because for that but mainly because my driving instructor has this unique capacity

to leave every lesson on a cliffhanger she has so much going on in her life I remember you telling me this she has so much going on in her life there's so much drama so every time but she'll wait till just the end

and the last 20 seconds she'll be like Anyway, did I tell you, I think one of my kids is doing drugs now. And I'm like, I will book 10 more lessons now. Are you serious? Like that much of a cliffhanger? That much of a cliffhanger. It's crazy.

Do you ever think that maybe you're the cliffhanger story for someone else? Like another lesson that she picks up and goes, anyway, this other client of mine, she's a lesbian and she, we don't have time. Do you reckon that's how it works? Like, everyone's a cliffhanger for each other. She's a smart business woman. Oh, my God, she's a genius. I'm so every single time I'm like

gotta get back in that car I don't want to drive but I do want to hear the story Try and end each episode on a cliffhanger We never do that We usually end up a fight But I feel like our lives are dysfunctional enough That if you're listening to this It's because you want us to either thrive

Or enjoy us car crashing And so like That's when I picked up the machete And so Neil said no we don't have time this week Like stuff like that And that's when I looked down and my clit wasn't there. We don't have time this week. That's for the extras always

Henry. We talked about this. Your sex club goes on the extras. So yeah, she's great and I'm really hoping I pass the test, but I probably won't because I keep spending way too much money on this woman. And that's when strictly come dancing called Catherine. A bit. I think I have a vested interest in you not passing your test actually. Excuse me? Yeah, well because

whatever I give other comedians, live. That's so true. They always say, oh, you've got a really clean car. I think you might have the cleanest car in comedy. But if you pass your test, that would definitely not, but you will have the cleanest car. Not if I get in Catherine's car every other day. I was about to say, that would never

happen. What I was about to say, Andrew, is that that's not a worry you have to have, because genuinely, I would never give a comedian a list. I wouldn't. You wouldn't let me, like, jump in for a bit? No, no. Not even to get to Legerlam's my birthday. It's my birthday this month. With your wet sleeves. They're not

wave anymore. wave anymore? They're not wet anymore. Touch them. Helen, I've seen you sneeze apple into your own eyelashes. That was a rough episode for me. That was a tough time. You're never getting in a car if I own one. But Hayfever season is starting now. No, I won't be picking you up. I will not be picking you up.

How about only if you come and get me and if I'm going with my throat, you can say no. It's a no from the outset. I'm good in a car. It feels like a no. I'm good at not singing now. when I'm told not to sing. I think that's the thing is I'll be such a nervous driver

to begin with. I don't need your energy. What energy? Loving support? Loud. And distracting. And funny, but I need to focus. Because of men.

Because of the danger of men. How about if I walk in front of the car saying, no men, please? And then you drive along after me. I would quite like that. That sounds nice. How clean is your car though, Andrew? Because it's clean.

But like, you're in it all the time. there must be like a couple of well no because every time I stop or if I stop for pets or anything I just do a little gather round of all the rubbish and I put it in the bin yes Andrew why is the rubbish in there because I've been eating McDonald's on the road or something you eat in your car

yeah obviously I thought we were going to have a fair contest fuck off if you eat in your car my car's obviously going to be cleaner than yours I get it you're never going to eat in your car no it's for driving I don't eat in my bed that's for sleeping you have to keep snacks in the car how do you get stuck in traffic in the middle of the night the amount of time come on where all can you

This amount of times you're coming back from a gig out of town and there's a million traffic diversion. But not a McDonald's, that stinks. And it's not always, the most common thing actually in terms of rubbish is like bottles of drink or cans of drink. Okay. Not an alcoholic drink. Bottles of piss as well for when you get stuck, am I right?

No, no, I don't do. What I do is I pull over, because I'm normally in the countryside driving back to Bournemouth. I pull over in the middle of night. I have a little roadside wee and I look up at the stars because there's no light pollution. I fucking love that. Yeah, it's really nice.

There's something about like a scenic outdoor. piss which just like I don't think men should piss in public it's not public it's the countryside yeah the country side could a person walk along that street no no it's literally like a country road but a woman could be driving along it and then see you with your ticket I pissed between cars at the time in London what between cars when you get caught short you know when you're like really late at night and you're drunk and you're like oh but I'm pissed between a car what are you talking about you know when you're like because when a woman pisses between cars No one. She's invisible.

Hello. Don't make this a thing. Is this like your calories don't count on a train thing? I once saw a woman in London Bridge pissing as she walked down the street. She squatted down, didn't have any pants on with a little skirt and pissed while she duck walked and then carried on.

I have never had more respect for a woman in my life. It was incredible. Have you, so right, let's say you're in central London. I don't public. It's three in the morning. I don't we in public. Why would I be out that late? I don't know.

Rave. You got confused and ended up at a rave. That doesn't sound like me? You're going up really early for a Pilates class. Okay. With Cindy B, okay. Fucking hell. No, I still would never be.

That's too early and too late. Okay. That's sleeping time. Okay, but I'm out and I'm really drunk. Let's make this realistic. It's 1 a.m. So the craziest I've ever been. Yeah, yeah.

I'm at a house party of a person who's home I know to be clean. Yes. But I've started to walk home. Yeah. So let's say you piss before you leave, but the journey, like, the amount that's in your bladder and you've broken the seal, you need to piss again. So I used, right, this is when I used to live in, like, Stretem slash Ballum,

the year, 2012, the Olympics are on. We're having a magical time. Yeah. I'm working in a bar in central London, and I would leave it, and I'd always need to have, like, a piss on the way home. Right. So I'd take the bus, which would go to Ballum or Stretem, and I'd have to walk 15 minutes to get to where I needed to be.

Inevitably would need to piss on that journey. So I had a choice. either graveyard or common. Wow. And I'd have to alleviate my bladder. 15 minutes. But it wasn't like on the street. It was like, it was 15 minutes.

Not an hour, not two hours, 15 minutes. So I really struggle with the, the Olympic sport of holding in piss whilst walking. Here's what I would say. So I am currently in a treatment for my pelvis. Yes. And part of the problem has apparently been boring from my capacity to hold.

which I learned because of my OCD so I could not use public bathrooms for a lot of the time and I... So you can hold it in? I struggle to use like plain toilets, train toilets, those kinds of things. So I have a masterful capacity to hold

but I've actually done some damage and so this is not pro peeing on streets but like 15 minutes to me is laughable. I have gone like 15 hours if I needed to I could go if I had to. It's not right but I could. and it's like I'm like a mind over matter I'm terrible

maybe not 15 hours but I certainly could have gone five hours insane 15 minutes and I'm like better go because otherwise I'm fine because I've got a stride going on the piss is held in because of the stride but that moment when you've got to stop at your door to get your keys out so you tangle your legs you get the key in and then somehow I've got to

untangle my legs to enter the house but not piss at the same time and I'd rather piss on the street than piss myself call me mad call me mad if you will Those aren't the only choices You're at your front door, just go inside Street or self

Yeah but how am I gonna make it How I lived there was like you'd go in here To go up a flight of stairs So then get up to the bathroom Pissing the whole way Just get up there No I've got, because I'm such a little lady

I've got such a little bladder Just a tiny little baby bird bladder Anyway I can hold is what I'm saying to you And I would never publicly put pee Because I don't think anybody should I actually find it grotesque and I think there should be more public loos available. Let's say it's raining and it's really good for the earth.

It's good for the soil. Let's say it's raining and you are uphill from soil that needs we. Have you seen, so I know Shibi was like a big thing for ages, but there's this new invention for women to piss at festivals where you just sort of... It's... It's... It's... It's like a little like a horse's saddle.

and you sit on it and you just sort of like sit on it. You have to have your arms up, but I probably would. What? And you just sort of like piss into it, sort of like a urinal, and then you just stand up and that's it. But like I saw an image for it. I have to find it. Where's the loo roll holder on this device?

This is the thing. I can't see a loo roll holder, so I'm assuming you take your own like wipey with you. I mean, I guess I always have those. Like a wet wipe. Oh, no. I don't like the sensation of a wet wipe on a weave. No, no.

I thought it would be a good callback. No. It was really horrific. It was actually really upset. You know, when you're like, because we were like coming up with our hours, you're doing an hour at the moment. Like, you know, everything needs callback.

So I was trying to get into that headspace and it's okay. I don't like A.m. I don't like the sensation of a wet wife. You know when you get like those like, all I'm saying is at some point you're going to piss on the side of a road because you're driving along and you're going to need it. And when that happens, I want you to FaceTime me.

Oh, Oh, the mighty of fallen. Don't face time me, but I would like to know. I would like to be facetimed. I don't, I think I'll just go to a services. Oh no They're not always there

And you find one And so you know when you You know when the promise Of you're making me scared of driving No When the promise of the toilet is close Your bladder starts going It's time

That is true So you'll drive up thinking Oh there'll be a toilet here And let's say it's out of order But your body's already been like But we've started the process Like emotionally I've let go With the urine

I'm not going to get Why are you scaring me from driving I'm already scared enough I'm not scaring you from driving There's the men There's the back of you're driving a murder machine. There's the fact that I might forget how to drive. There's the roads.

There's the other drivers. And now you're making me scared of my incapacity to hold my own wee while I'm doing all of that. I'm not making you scared. I'm just saying have a bottle. Have a jar. A jar in the car. Or a bottle, actually. I've never, I've never I once pissed in a... A jar would be better than a bottle. I pissed in a

1.5 litre bottle of Limca. In 2010. Yeah. How are you getting your wee in there? I was travelling around India. Needed a piss. Question. How are you aiming into that

and not getting it on your hands? Wait for this. You're all going to freak out. It was fucking genius. My friend Jasberry, she's a fucking genius. Don't you spray a little? I'm a dribbler.

My labia, like pushes it over to, yeah. Like, we've all got different angles that work for us. We can't all aim with a dick, okay? But I was on a bus and I was going to,

like, I was past the point of needing it. Like I was starting to panic. And you know, when you start sweating and you can't focus, you're like, I'm in dire straits here. Yeah. Um, so my friend, we had this like bottle. We just finished it, which is probably why I needed to be.

It's like a sugary lemon drunk. 4.5 litres of lemonade. I guess I need to go. Had nail scissors in our bags. We were like backpacking around. She cut the, can I use this to demonstrate? Yeah. Can I please use the water you drink?

Now, picture that my urine. Cut around their top of it. Oh, that's smart. Flipped it over. Oh, I was pissing into a funnel into the bottom. Oh, fuck, she's smart. Jasmine Barry, getting married this year. Congrats to that guy.

Congrats. Yeah, he's with a bloody McGuire. Yeah, he's crushed it. He's crushed it. That's impressive. She's an absolute babe. I'm so happy for her. But how good is that?

A homemade Shiwi. It's incredible. But this is before the Shiwi. Oh, yeah, no. I mean, she should have painted it. Yeah, we tried to get on Dragon's Dam, but they were ever in absolute none of it. So on that note, Dragon Wee, let's bring on our guests. What a podcast episode

I said that we've ever had a normal introduction to a guest You think that was? No, no, that's what I'm saying. I was like, you think I nailed it? Next week, next week. Who do we have on next week? Oh, I know. Yeah, we'll do normal one.

We'll do normal one. Comedian extraordinaire and presumably Shooeywees, it's Kim Above! Hi, I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has given us a five-star rating and review so far on iTunes who has commented and liked on our videos on YouTube

it makes such a difference because we are a baby podcast, we are producing it ourselves and we really appreciate it and we would ask you if you haven't done it already, please do just chuck out some likes and makes a massive difference to us and being able to keep doing it only five-star reviews please. We've got some gorgeous ones

and we love reading them. Helen hates the one bad one. Let's forget about the one bad one let's forget about it please keep telling us that you love the oinks it makes my world feel complete i hate it what we found really works is if you do really enjoy the podcast and you're not able to support us in any other way supporting us by listening is amazing and please tell five friends and family members about it this week and it makes such a huge difference massive and all as does sharing our videos on twitter or instagram it makes such a big difference please and thank you thank you Hello, welcome to our guest.

I want to answer your question, and I so want to do a professional intro for Catherine as well. Welcome to all, guys, let's keep a bob. I'm seeing a play tonight. Wow. I know. I'm a closing. It's called Glow,

and it's at the Royal Court Theatre in South Kensington on Sloan Square. Isn't that the name of that wrestling show? That's what I was going to say. Okay, I don't think it's the wrestling show. My friend's in it, and I think she gets beaten up by a guy in the play. Then I hope it's a wrestling show. I'm so excited I'm going through a theatre phase

you won't know about this I love that this is new I'm seeing Amdram next week I'm seeing glow and I'm seeing Amdram came to

Yes And I'm seeing Wuthering Heights A physical theatre Amateur Dramatics That's what it's called Don't tell me you've never been to Amdram in the UK

Have been to Amdram anywhere Oh my god Okay it's my favourite thing of all time Have you ever been to at least A bad improv show Yeah yeah Okay same energy but they've rehearsed higher stakes.

Great. Yes. Great. It's what I was in Amdram when I was younger. I did a Amdram production of Mid-Summer Night Stream, the Farnham Shakespeare Company. I played Helena. It was incredible. Incredible. I fucking love it. So the man who directed it once was like a background artist at the RSC. So everyone was like, he's proper. And then everyone else was like plumbers. Amazing.

And it's incredible. And they do, they like go for big productions. So they don't shy away from like Shakespeare. It's one of my favorite things in the world to do in Edinburgh whenever I feel like in a real rut like I wasted all my money like it's all too much like the PR is just a constant uphill battle like comedy's not for me I go see a really serious student play

in Edinburgh and honestly it lifts my spirit You can always find if you look up Rwandan genocide in the brochure you can always find an all white group doing a random genocide and it's so fucking brilliant So my first play, because I started doing theater towards the end of my high school life, and it's actually what I studied in college, which was weird. But in my first play, it was called Addict.

It was directed by a student. And I played a PCP addict named Janice, and she died because she was in the hospital, and she thought that there were rats chewing out her eyeballs. So she stabbed herself in the eyes. Oh, my God, this is so epic. With knitting needles. I was probably 16. 16 is the perfect age to take on that subject matter.

Definitely. Because you just get PCP at that age. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm new, I had to mime it. So I'm like miming. Like, I'm in the hospital. I'm like, no, these rats. And then I'm just like,

okay, this is worth watching on YouTube already. I'd say, go on to YouTube, yeah. Immediate death because you put knitting needles in your eyes. Not blind. Yeah. No, no, no, die. I died because I just, You went so far back, yeah.

Yeah. Crazy. That was my first role. So you haven't watched it, but you have partaken in Amdram. Yeah, yeah. What a revelation. You just didn't even know what it was Amdram. Oh, but it felt so dram, dram.

Can I tell you that I'm shocked because you seem too cool for Amdram? That means... That's never a feeling I've had about you, but it feels like so much. Okay, good. It does, it does feel like not right. But what we know about this world is... Wait, wait. It's too cool for anything.

You're right. And no one's ever too cool for Amdram. Where did that come from? Well, that hurt her. It really did. That was difficult for me to hear. I'm willing to bet there were socially functioning teenagers in your area who didn't do Amdram. No.

No. If they weren't in the fleet players, they were nothing as far as I was concerned. You've got to be performing. And I imagine it was reciprocal. Like they thought, tread on the boards. My mum, obviously, like, we've spoken with us before. She ran an illegal drama school from our living room. And she would take on like big stimuluses, but she wouldn't do it like classical.

so we did Titanic once but we played the ship like stuff like that my friend Anna who I stayed with recently she remembers we played the cycle life of wheat once for a show and she played a corn of wheat

and apparently my mum yelled at her until she cried because she wasn't playing wheat correctly and then like six of us and make the combine harvester I think Anna Grant was doing like yeah

whereas I was more like movement the movement of weird. And also embodying it. Embodding it. Like I felt like I'd got to celiacs and be like, run! Like it was like I was in it. You got to believe it.

Kimababab, what have you been up to other than Amdram? How are you? How is your new year starting? How's the year treating now that we get into spring? My, yeah. It's been a juicy little year. I took like several months off of life as I know it in London. And I went to Texas when my family's from

to delve into childhood. trauma that was so fun fun choice to start a year though I respect it was the subject of the flight like you are on the plane like let's go let's go baby basically I was like I haven't seen my like grandmas in a long time I love them so much so cute old ladies yeah and at the same time I was like I gotta dig into what the fuck is up with my parents because I'm like in order to like heal yourself sometimes it's helpful to have like that larger context of what these people have gone through and you know and be like hey this is what you put me through to the point where I wrote my dad a lot letter, yeah. I wrote my dad a letter

because I didn't want to mince my words. You queer-eyed yourself. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fully. And they were in Texas' season. This all makes sense. You said mince and then I thought quince, but no, you queer-eyed yourself. I'm, well, I am my own Karamo. I also have acted as my own Jonathan. I will not be my own

Anthony. I'm not making any food. No. And soon I'll be my own Bobby because I'm looking for a flat. And I've been my own 10 France as well. But I wrote my data letter and I was like, I'm going to tell him how his actions over my lifetime have made me feel, and I read it to him.

Oh, my God, this is amazing. Who actually does this? This is brilliant. Oh, it was so good. It was so good. Only negatives or some positives in there, too? Predominantly negative. Predominantly negative.

He's not done a great job. And I read it to him. You turned out right. I go, I go, so that's how I feel. And he just goes, well, that's pretty bad. And I was like, yeah, man. And then he said,

uh, not, I'm sorry. He didn't apologize. He didn't apologize. Did you know that though when you were reading out? Were you like prepared for the lack of apology? Yeah, I think most of I was just like, I just want him to know because, you know, but sometimes you need to process.

So like you probably said a lot to him. Yeah. I think he's needed some space. I think he's needed some space. We spoke a bit and he was kind of like, you know, what he did. it wasn't necessarily defensive but he was like my life was hard

so I wasn't sure how to be a good dad and when we get that apology no do we need it no because we know that it will likely never come but that was big and I learned a lot about like my grandmas and stuff and so that was

big feelings and in order to deal with the craziness of my family I took little trips away so I went to New York for the first time and I was like oh these are big building. Oh my God. You are your own Corralmo.

Big feelings, big buildings, big world. Yeah, yeah. And I saw the big Christmas tree that they, you know, they're, I was talking about the big Christmas tree. Yay, why be ice skating? Underwhelming. Really? Yeah, a bit, a bit thin, to be honest.

No. I was like, is it global warming? Is it COVID? It looked so good on that episode of dance moms when they went ice skating there and Maddie crying. Unimpressive. Really? I'm shocked.

Just a, it's a big tree, but. Unimpressive. Yeah. So it was a real big thing of like expectations, versus reality. That's a lot. And then, so you went to Texas, food was good?

Food was always good. Okay. And I grew as a person physically and that was really nice. And then I went to Ghana and that was fucking sick. Don't. I was following Instagram

like Sophie Duker, Mary and I was like, his girls are living life. So this is insane. Pima went on like the cool girl trips of comedy to Ghana. Oh my God. It's so cute.

So how long were you there for? I was there for a month. I was supposed to be like a person. three weeks and then when I was about to check in for my flight to come back to London I looked at the weather I looked at my schedule to see what I physically had to do with my body and I was like I just have a Zoom meeting over the next week like and it's therapy I don't need to fucking be no no no no so I stayed an extra week and it was cute it was a cute time I fucked a poet that was weird yes I've never been with a poet it was too much I I dated a poet very

briefly but he read me one on the date and then I just dried up and that was it. Yeah. Why was it too much? He was very expressive, right? And the whole time I was there, am I going to bone? I was like, am I going to bone? I'm going to bone. Just for context, your father failed you because he was un-expressive, but the poet was too expressive. It was too expressive. Men can't win. They can't. I'm trying to find that middle ground. I'm trying to find the middle ground. That is not in our world at the moment. I think we have to wait to a 50. I'm sick saying it, but 50. He said things to me. Like, basically, like, he was very talk at it while we were like,

fucking and I feel like like six to seven out of ten of the things that he said you like wanted to hear like he was like you're so beautiful wow you're so pretty I love the feeling of your skin but then he would be like he would be like I love the way that your tongue dances

in your mouth no no I was about to feel bad for him because I have been told repeatedly to be quiet during sex to like you don't talk you don't talk Helen but I would not say shit like that at one point I kid you not I kid you not at one point while he was in me he goes you look like a child wow yeah yeah yeah and I said and I said

what's the fuck he's a pedophile he goes he goes he goes he goes oh you look like a child and I said what and he goes no not like a child I mean innocent and it wasn't better yeah yeah so that's the last I just have a fuck that poet, obviously. Oh, my God. Yeah. Can you even come after that? It was wild. Can you come after that or do you just be like?

You don't. No. You don't. No, I mean, it'd be hard. Yeah. Oh. So after that, I actually pulled out a sex toy that I brought and I just went ahead and Finish yourself off.

Yeah. Because I was like, a child. Were you like, what a child do you? Yeah. You don't know any kids like that got the sucky, sucky, $5,000. Oh, my God, you look in it. Oh, that's a whole. idea of like a woman has to be super vulnerable

with a guy and be weak. So weird. So weird. Oh my fucking God. I'm fucking God. You're not trying to hold on to my virginity. Honestly. As you're in sight. Oh, I tell everyone I'm a virgin. But yeah. They love it. Like, I'm a virgin but I feel safe with you. Like they love it. That's disgusting.

Where does it go? I just put it in my mouth but it's too small. Oh. I'm just a sexy little baby with a teeny and a bit of China. And I say, I'm full. Yeah, they love that They love that I didn't know that

My name's Helen And usually that's how I play I but I was trying to be a grown-up With this guy But he saw right through me What's a food driver You're disgusting Honestly supposed to think

I've also got problems In my dad He never hugged me Yeah that's what's it Yeah yeah we got it Sometimes I'm up Oh my God I've never seen you pause like that before

Are you having a panic attack? No, it's like sometimes I'm thinking, sometimes I think, yeah, I could fuck some men now. No. You couldn't do it? Why you tell me those stories? Not that. Not that. But it was wild that because, like, that was the second time that we, like, boned.

And the first time that we boned, right, it was all like, it was like, this big passionate energy. And he, like, got on his knees to eat me out while I was standing. And I was, yeah. So that's why I repeated the offense. And the first time that we fucked, he didn't say anything about my childlike nature. That's good. Um, yeah. Because that time he was the child.

A thousand percent. Down and all force. Oh, my. Is this breastfeeding, but with a purse? Uh-huh. You know, I don't want to do the podcast anymore. No, it was too late. I was like.

I quit the podcast. Oh, no. Okay, welcome to trusty hogs with Helen and Kima. Hey, hey, hey, have you got a problem? You want Helen and Kima to store with no info from Catherine? Email us at Trusty Hogg's at email. Speaking of, one more question about your travels and then we'll get to our problem from our again.

What did you do about the week later? So for me, that would stress me out about traveling without having packed appropriately now. It sounds like you had your sucky-suckies 2000 or whatever, so you were fine. But did you not run out of clothes? Oh, and what I did was I just got more stuff when I was there because I didn't have enough warm clothes

because I don't speak Celsius, but in Fahrenheit, yeah. It was like warmer than. London ever becomes. So I wasn't prepared to be there in the first place. So I had to shop while I was there and I loved it. And I was just wearing all these little dresses and little shorts. Oh my God, just feeling like feminine and it was such a vibe. And I was like, oh.

I saw pictures of you all like a waterfall and I was like, that looks beautiful. I know. Can I tell you that I, my most, one of my more embarrassing social interactions was with Kima of, I'd say, of it the entirety of 2021. Yeah. So you don't know this, but we were both one day on Kilburn High Road, the worst street to be on. To be on. Ever in life.

And also it was during the pandemic. It's all right. And everybody was acting like. I mean, no offense to the residents, but you know. Yeah. I mean, I was a resident at one time. I was a resident, hence I was there. Yeah.

And so I'm walking along. Everyone's acting like COVID's not happening there. No one's wearing masks. I was trying to keep my distance from people they're just like coughing in your mouth and you're like okay sometimes that's hard but sometimes no I was having a stressful day

and then I saw Kima I saw Kima walking along and honestly one of the most like do you ever see somebody to think I love seeing people in their authentic environment when they don't know anyone's watching because you were just being and you were just pulling along

what I can only describe as a shopping trolley for elderly women yes that's my shali baby And I wanted one so bad. But I saw you, and I, I shouted for you. Now, I've been told before when I think I'm shouting, I'm not shouting. Apparently, when I think I'm getting the waiter's attention, I tend to say things like, or like, over here.

So I, that's me shouting, right? But I really tried. You gave it a go. I was, like, probably at, like, chema. But I was, for me, it was a big deal. But I was like, chemo. I could barely hear that. But I didn't, I was like, no, Catherine,

I hadn't seen anybody in a long time. Yeah, and you were like, if you love something, set her free. No, I was like, I gotta see her, I got to talk about. I was like, he's trapped, Gema! You didn't hear, but like, all, because everyone was so close to me, they're like, eight men near me all went, like, basically all the same time. And I was like, but then also were like,

clearly knew who I was shouting to, because I was looking directly at you, but they were just so embarrassed for me. And then I just, to be, having other people embarrassed for you on Kilburn High Road is like, I mean, all I can, by the way, have you ever noticed Kilburn High Road? My brother pointed to the side to me now I can't unsee it. It's like 80% crutches. A lot of people seem to be in hurt. Wait, sorry, one second. Is that the end of the, is that your, like, one of your biggest social faux pas of 2021 was saying Kima slightly loudly on the street? No, I was shouting for Kima. And then nobody else heard except Kee. And that was like one of the standout moments of last year that was embarrassing for you. Pretty good you.

I have been life worse than that in the last four days. I was backstage with the comic. His phone rang and I was being boredy and I was like, oh, can't answer your phone backstage because it was like running to the stage. And I went, oh, you better fire him to the promoter. And he went to my mom, she just had a stroke. On the same evening, I was in outside with another comic. And I went, oh, did you find somewhere?

I know you were looking somewhere to live. She was clearly with her current house there and went, No, no, I'm not looking, because I love where we live and gave me the eyes. Within an hour of each other. But Kim, I didn't even turn around. Don't, I'm not even, I can't. Don't give me sad eyes.

That's the world you live in. Right, let's have a fucking problem because I'm about to lose my mind. I'm sorry Kima didn't turn around and wave at you on the street. I was probably listening to my jams, baby. You probably were, and I really want to know where you got your, your old lady.

My shopping trolley, oh my gosh, do you know what? I just assumed they only sold them to, to like a specific elderly shop. No, Emma Black's got one with flamingos on it. She loves it. The reason why I have it is because I come from, like, car culture in Texas where you have to drive for everything. So the idea of only having as many groceries as I can carry, disgust me.

Me too. Oh, my God. Yes, thank you. That's why I have it. I'm like, roll it around. And sometimes people look at me like, bitch, are you sure? And I'm like, yes, I'm going to make this hot. It's going to be great.

You did. I wanted to know where you got it from, hence pulling at you. Put all the stuff in there. Oh, yeah. You can put so much stuff in there. Where did you buy it, though? You can get it from the little shops. and sometimes on the high road and they'll be like we have suitcases we have these shopping

trailers and what you're going to want to do is make sure that the wheels are sturdy okay because sometimes they have a little they have ones where they'll be like oh and i got mine i spent 30 pounds on it i was like this is an investment in my future yeah and it has basically a car dirty wheels with some good like tread on them and we've been rocking and rolling thank you so much you know what i ultimately got the conversation I needed to have. Yeah. So the universe solved. I'm not everyone's happy.

I'm livid. Thank you. Well, we are blessed. Let's do a problem. Yeah, great. By the way, I feel like so emotionally equipped I hear this problem this week because Kima just went to Texas and read her unemotional father of all of her feelings with her life. I was literally like, let's go.

I was like when I was young, when I was in college, now as an adult, it was fucking. I once cried in front of my dad and he patted me like a dog. It was several pages. Okay. Yeah, same emotion sort of level, isn't it? Like, oh no, no, no website. It make wet face. I don't know what to do with that.

Should we call it, woman? Okay. All right, we're ready for this problem. Yes, this is from RN. R&N. Right now. Yes, right now. Firstly, I want to say I love the podcast.

Thank you, R.N. Thank you. Oh, my God. Nice. I was wondering if you had some advice on a strange issue I'm having recently. All right. Intrigue.

A few months before Christmas, I started seeing this guy. I introduced him to all my friends. Hang on one second, sorry. Do we know the gender of RN? It is an, I think it's a man, but it's a gender neutral name.

Fine. But I lean towards man. Before Christmas, they started dating this man. Seeing, I don't know whether that makes difference to that. Anyway. I introduced him.

Well, I saw Kima on Kilburn High Road. But he didn't fuck. You know what I mean? But she didn't see you. Oh, wow. I so much respect. for you right now actually like just it was hot it was fucking hard okay so RN was being seen by and seeing a man i introduced him to all my friends because we all drink in the same places so

kept going on nights out together things didn't start out great and i quickly realized the only time he'd speak to me or wanted to be around me was when drinking or doing cocaine i decided after christmas i would address this issue and asked if we could just be friends as over the few months we'd known each other um him me and another friend had gotten close and become our own little group Now that I've taken a step back and said I don't want to be drinking all the time and I don't want to do drugs I feel very excluded by them both

because they meet up all the time without me they both said they were more than happy to meet up and do other things but this has only happened once and still ended turning out turning into a night out and drugs being involved I feel like I've not only lost out on a potential relationship but now also two friendships as well but they're not good relationships and friendships

it might feel like you've lost something but they're people that doing things that you don't want to do do and just because you spent time with them doesn't mean that there is a solid friendship there because if they don't want to do the things that you now want to do then sometimes you move on like maybe like

get you a lover who's not addicted to cocaine it's a big call it's a big call but it's a not I think it's an interesting one it reminds me of me when I was fair can't when I was four RN I was in a group called tumble tots where we were all like babies and we'd go

to this soft play in the Harlington Center and just like wriggle around together. This is going to become a... I turned six, and it was time to leave tumble tot. But by the time I was leaving tumble tots, the new group of tots came in, and they started tumbling together. Now, I was friendly with them,

but it was time for me to go to school. I was too big for soft play. Sure, it goes up to weight, but I was a big last, you know? And I had to leave the tops behind. Now, they were friends of mine, but all they wanted to do was tumble and tot about. I wasn't tumbling and tot in anymore. You moved on.

It was time to learn the alphabet. Yeah, and I moved up. You were only going to learn the alphabet at six. Maybe seven then. Oh, that's not what I meant. Okay. You can't spend your life tumble tot in, and I feel like that is in many ways a metaphor for Coke.

It's a bummer as well, because I think when you form relationships with people under certain circumstances, and then you go, hold on, these aren't going to work. Like me, you smoke a shit ton of weed. Now, don't. Well done. And luckily, my friends, they used to smoke a shit ton of weed. with are also kind of evolving out of that.

I mean, that's a dream, isn't it? You all evolve at the same time. Yeah, but I would have had to, you know, leaving behind or, you know, so it's one of those things where you got to move on and sometimes not everyone's coming with you and that's okay. And like, sorry they want to like fuck that person but like they're not the love of your life.

You will find better people. I feel like that's the main thing to say here. The other thing I would say is I've given up alcohol this year and there's been like one of two reactions either people have been like aghast that they would have to spend time in my presence while I am myself so they're like oh but what about my birthday

and you're like yeah yeah I'll love to come and they're like as you like yeah you're like for the whole you're going to be like that the whole yeah yep which I think says more about what they need from me

in terms of like they want to feel like it's okay that they drink. So the one thing I'd say is like do make sure that you have, there will be people around you who still want to go out and hang out with you even if you don't drink. I have not had that to be an issue. But I also would say like what people are saying is like, are you judging me?

Is it a judgment call on the stuff? And like, and I think that comes from an insecure place. But I also think it's okay to reassure them. What I mean by that is there is a scenario where these people do want to be your friend. but they feel like you they're they feel judged where maybe judging themselves yeah and um and there's space to make it clear that you don't judge them without that necessarily having to be overt but also we make sure that you yourself include yourself so like i've gotten really this might be so god i sound like such a hundred year old woman but like i really make a point of trying to like suggest we go places

where i can get a nice cocktail yeah i love a bottle yeah but i feel like and i like and i like and i stay out and i have fun and I have you know like because then I don't feel like and as soon as people see that they're like oh cool oh fine now I will say if you yourself are trying not to do cocaine and other people around you are doing cocaine bounce bounce because that's so hard it's so hard there's no it's a different head space and like everybody's like I'm still going and you're like I could go to bed yeah I'm hungry I'm hungry and the chat is awful oh god but I do we're literally all just like being like cut it off right well I think it's a thing of like as far as romance those are two different spaces i think friendship and romance those

are different birds right where you can have friends that do things that like you don't want to necessarily engage with and you can still like be there for them or love them or whatever but i think as far as like someone that you want to be in a serious relationship with yeah i think that's a that's a bit of a different bird i agree and i would say i do think make sure that like you have assessed so that you don't look back on it with regret, make sure you've assessed have you put yourself in positions where they know that you're not judging them and that you can still go out with them if that's what you want and

have not so many alcoholic drinks or have you also suggested that you meet up and do other things because you said it's only happened once but have you put in the effort and made offers. That's a really good idea. Suggest bowling, go-karting, ice skating, a museum. Exactly. Who's doing Coke in the

Imperial War Museum? Well if you turn around and you catch them on doing a little sniff-sniff in the Imperial War Museum and then you know that's a problem because yeah give them a chance

yeah and then then you can look back and go okay the fraternity exhibit that's happening at the moment isn't it near Surrey Keys yeah and if that doesn't work

then you know nah I tried and you really did try in that context in which case they're loss I think forget the nights out forget these guys

go Ghana I'd say go Ghana and also just like think of your septum just really give it a little pat there and say That's in the middle of the mountains, isn't it? And then it falls out eventually, right?

It can do. It can be really, really damaging. It's not deviated. Yeah, it's just getting it together. Well, how far up does it fall out from? Is it like all the way at the top? You can, like, burn a hole in that. You can, you can burn a hole.

That goes up to your brain. It's just bad. You just have, like, one nostril. Nostri? That's tough, though, like, moving on from, like, the ways of you've known for so long. And then people are like, who are you? And you're like, I'm still me.

I'm still me. I'm still me. Do you believe me? I believe you. You believe me? No, but it's true. Or find religion. There's a fun one.

Oh, there's a cliche, a bit of fun. Get super religious and judge them. Be like, you're breaking the Lord's word by getting into this. And then it won't feel like they're rejecting you because you're rejecting them. Because you're now part of, what are the Mormons? What are the Jesus's army? Yeah, the Latter-day Saints. The Latter-day Saints.

You're now part of a Latter-day Saint community. Something of the thing of them. And also you get to go on a trip with a pairing where you get to convert people. Yeah. You always have a buddy as a Mormon. That's nice. People don't talk about that enough. We get a lot of people writing and asking about

how they can make friends. We haven't done religion enough. But seriously, you'll find your people. Oh, who's really close? The West Borough Baptist Church. Now they have each other's backs. They do. Through thick and thin.

Through thick and thin. They will be there for each other. You want friends Westborough Somewhere in Kansas I think they are Oh my God God

I've never thought I've suggested that before That's mad That I took that long That's great That's so funny The Feltz family

They're always looking For lawyers And people to hold up signs Aren't they What's that great one Where they sing that song Like hello hello sinner Oh my god

Like a remix to telephone Yeah yeah yeah To try and like get people To like Yeah They're awful They pick it like funerals And they hold

of these really offensive signs. We know what the signs say. And then they started like singing songs. Incredible. But they've always got someone there at the end of the day. This is true. This is true. Kima, what good advice.

What good advice. Thank you so much for doing our podcast. Thank you for having me. It's being a joy. Kimabwe. You're good. What can, where can people find you? On the, on the internet.

Have you been there before? Twitter? Dark place. Twice last night. Yeah, at Kimabob. Insta Grizzle at Kimab. Right. Just being there.

And a question? Do they have, is there any shows they can come see you? Are you doing Edinburgh? No. No. I refuse. I'm just kidding. I'm supporting Nish Kumar on tour.

A little light rolled back. Nice. Yeah. That's it really. Just existing. I don't know. I don't know. Just follow Kimmer and chill and else we're doing shows.

We can edit back later, but are you doing Edinburgh? No. No, okay, great. Good for you. Good for you. Full respect for that. We're both going for desperate. Oh, come up and hang out.

Yes. That would be all. Yeah. I'll come play, but I don't have a show in me. Yeah, but you don't have to do it. It's not the biggest deal anymore. Right. It really isn't.

It's still changed. I like the idea of people being like, this is what you got to do and me being like, is it? Yes. We're both like, Yeah, we totally love that idea, but also we will do... Why didn't we have this idea like four months ago, though? Because now I'm just like fucking embarrassed for us. It does seem like way fewer people that I thought we're going, would go and going.

We need to get our fucking lives together. We kind of need to... No, but maybe you do have your luck together because you're in a productive moment of creating a thing and producing a thing and putting on a thing. And then you can use that thing to do stuff with, so that's great. Like, that's awesome. You're lying to us, but I really like it. No. Okay.

I'm just tired from being a jet-setter who fucked a poet. Keep above! I'm so young while she does it. So young. Keep above, everybody. Thank you. We so appreciate the support. Please help us keep the podcast going.

Thank you so much to our exec producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Gennina Battista, and Mary Fox. We are so grateful. And thank you also to our wonderful producers. Oh, yes. Melissa Dunkels, Karig Duke, Sarah and Molly, Aidine McQueen, Caitlin Liff, Joe Holmes, Zoe, Kim Doyle,

Lee Myers-Coff, is that how I say? Yeah, that's it. Rachel R, David Walker, Tim and Dom, Kira Leach, S-dubs, L, Richard Ball, Sedy Cashmore, Neil Redmond, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Anthony Conway,

Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, we're so grateful. Watching that list grow, it's so nice. It makes me feel like it's Valentine's Day every day. Oh, behave yourself in that she is almost coming, but not quite.

Oh my God, it's all happening so fast. Please, join us.