Trusty Hogs - Ep24. POPPY HILLSTEAD / Burglary, Babybel & Burger Sauce

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

Maybe THE most chaotic Trusty Hogs to date. Alison Spittle (Wheel of Misfortune) steps into Catherine's shoes for the week and Helen is left to "control" proceedings as we welcome the brilliant POPPY HILLSTEAD! (Poppy Hillstead Has Entered The Chat)We cycle through a million topics at a million miles an hour, but still find five minutes for a full on breakdown over milk...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa Dunkeld / Sonia HackettWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dear listener, we have just finished recording episode something something of trusty hogs. Catherine Bowhart was not here. I would now like to list some trigger warnings of things we have covered today. Andrew, please list. Oh, are you leaving this to me? I don't even remember. I remember there was sick. Yeah, sick, eating disorders, suicidal tendency.

Shit, enough. Yeah, we did earlier. We pretty much went through the whole checklist. Um, burglary, robbing, mugging. I'm sure there was a reference to sexual assault. Um, 9-11. Um, end of the world disasters. Sunamis.

Um, flashing. Flashing. Um, sour milk. Salam. Yeah, well, that's all over in gagging, I think. Um, uh, women pissing themselves on the floor. I nearly did that. I don't know if that's a, um, just, I think, just, if you're in a fragile place right now,

maybe go back and listen to one of our archived episodes. with Catherine with Catherine calming things down of it oh my know have other episode when I wasn't here

when it was Catherine Chloe you and realina that was nice give that one a little and I think

we're just like episode though enjoy oh it's very fun it's just it moves through a lot of trauma very quickly

I forgot about the suicide stuff yeah me too I remember which suicide stuff even arrived we were doing an old riff riff on attempts attempts oh fat shaming

fat shaming yeah we both fat shamed for quite a while as two fat women it was insane thank you for listening and we're sorry we're sorry we're sorry goodbye I'm my thing on Airplane mode let's get into

that is a luxury that Ellen does not afford us. No? She very regularly takes phone calls and FaceTimes whilst we're on the podcast. I had the last one. I did accept it. It was like, I actually ignored one from my sister last time.

But my sister called her, we've been talking about pancake her, you know, her morbidly obese hamster. Yeah, so I answered. Oh, wow. Just so we could get a pancake update. And how's pancake doing? Big.

She's big? Yeah, she went on a diet for a while, but then she was just like crying. And then she started eating her houses. But it was unfortunate because there was one house she had tweaks. My mum's a bit toxic, and she bought her a hamster-sized house. This podcast, your mom is very toxic. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Helen. Obviously, she must be good. You're not a bin. Yeah. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give me your problems, and they will solve them. Maybe they won't And that's your problem

They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Hello

And welcome to trusty hogs With our Catherine Boharg Catherine's on tour She's thriving We've replaced it with another Irish person, because as far as I'm concerned, they're interchangeable. It's Alison Spettel.

I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy you're here as well. I really, what I'm going to ask for you is to bring Catherine energy, because I did last week's one without Catherine as well. Just to be clear, Catherine will be returning. She's great. Like, it's just, she's on break. Isn't it so weird?

We can talk about, let's do this bit. And then I just do the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can do this. Okay. It's me. It's Alison. We've got a fabulous guess. It's Poppy Hillstead.

Ow! And we're going to make this episode so much better than last week, which was a bit manic because I didn't have a Catherine energy. So just like whatever Allison thing in you is. Do you want me to bring the Catherine?

Shut it down. Okay, okay, I can do that. Shut it down. Okay. Let's snort together. Welcome. Oh, Helen, are you okay? To trust.

Are you okay? Don't speak about yourself that way. Helen. Welcome to Trusty Hodge. Dignity. Dignity, Helen. Dignity. Dignity.

I know. I'm trying. I am trying. I know. Okay. Right. It's okay. Yeah.

I would like us to do a really calm, slow chat. Oh, right. I'm fully aware we're both drinking coffee. But I know we have this in this. Okay. Okay. Alison, how are you? Well, Helen, do you want the real answer or do you want the podcast answer?

The real answer. Wait, which one's longer? Probably the podcast one. The real one is not well. No, joking. You know that's a famous thing, isn't it? Like, should I tell you how I really feel or do you want this a quick answer?

So I once said to my mum, I'm fine, and she went, fine, fragile, insecure, needy, and something else, like, I can't remember where he was. Excellent. And it must be something that her therapist said to her. No, it was awful. Oh, your mom was, she was like, fine, fragile, insecure, needy.

I was like, oh my God, I can't do anything. He sounded like a GCSE drama project. I'm fine. find, you know, fragile. That is 100% what it is. Like it would be on the wall and crate paper or is a sugar paper. Sugar paper.

And they, sugar paper when they have it on the wall display for parents' evening. I'd actually be eating my feelings dead. I was like, I'm insecure. I swear my sister's special needs school had that with like different emotions up. I think that would be a thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then sort of like point at which one you felt. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then she was like every day, angry! Hungry, angry! No, but seriously, Alison, how are you?

I'm good. I'm good. I just finished doing another podcast before I came here. I know. It's unbelievable that you've actually done this. I'm such a metropolitan girl. I hop down the tube, you know? Are you going to let them know that I booked you last night for this? Because the previous guest did as well, because it turns out when Catherine's not here, I book within 12 hours

of recording. No, I love it. I love it. I mean, through you booking last minute, it's got me quite a lot of money recently. Also, also. You also book with the most apologetic tone. it's genuinely it's like you've asked me like Alison please we will you take a smear test for me just just a smear test you know

but you're so good at doing them the smear test yeah and thank you for doing that again I really appreciate it Titus Puss and the biz it's just like a doping thing where you're getting Alison to take your smear tests in your play yeah because you have to have them done

but it's not very comfortable for me since then so you get Alison to well it's only because my last smear test didn't go well what happened in your last smear test Oh, it was just really confusing because I went in to get anyone who watched Giglis was like there for the week when this happened. Basically, I had a smear test, but when I was in there, the nurse was also like checking up of my vaccines. And it turns out I never had my MMR jab, like my baby jabs. Your mum.

Your mum. Oh, my gosh. My mom swears she did, but it's not on my medical records. Your mom wants you to be thin and very ill. So I never had any jabs as a baby, it turns out. Oh, she's destroyed a rebella, but look at that. Look at that arse. She's so slim.

So then they did a swab on my grown-up woman vagina and then gave me a baby vaccine. And the whole thing was very confusing. So I was panicking saying things like, oh, you must think I'm a half woman, half baby. And they were like, what? And I was like, it's the same doctors that I went to when I thought I had tit cancer,

but turns out a spider had bit me on my tit. So they don't respect me. And I believe now. So luckily I'm going to find a new doctor, I think, where I can start fresh. We're in respect your spider-bitten tits. Well, I think I thought I was like some sort of mad antivaxer. But I was like, look, I've had so many other jabs since then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, my mum swears down. She took me as a baby and they, the doctors just never wrote down that I had them. It must be because you're a similar age to me. Yeah, I'm 30. I am, no, I am 89, so I'm 32. 32, yeah. But, like, the MMR thing was like, some guy had come out and got,

oh, it causes autism. Like, that was the thing. But my mom loves autism. My dad's autistic. Yeah, yeah. If anything, she fucking loves it. I've quite a lot of my family as well. We always find this out.

We always are like, we've had the same childhood. Yeah, we have. How many times does your dad look to you in the eye? And, oh, I never. Michael did once, then he panicked. It was amazing. The last time, the last podcast I did,

but we got a voice not about this woman had seen it, her dad's dick in a picture by accident and I was trying to remember any time that I've seen my dad's dick. Have you? I probably have but I can't remember it. But then if you were young,

you don't want to, I don't think you particularly want to remember seeing your dad's dick. No, no, no. I'm super aware of the fact that Andrew's currently crawling on the four to fix the camera. And also that we're talking to my dad's dicks

when I just spent the weekend hanging out with Andrew's dad. Have you seen your dad's dick? Have you seen your dad's dick? I'm going to go up behind the desk. I know I did because I walked into my dad in the bath. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've probably definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't, I don't remember it. Just felt like a boy in the seat. Just an absolute hose. I was like, Papa, why did you get on hoses to the bath? And he was like, well, darling. He's an absolute hose. That's why, yeah, me and my siblings are so tall because the sperm was so long to get out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually that. That feels biologically correct, doesn't it? Like a really long spunk, going through a really long hose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or dick, medical terminology. What's the medical term for a dick? So when your dad, like, came in your mom.

Penis. When your dad came in your mom, it's like, she was sucking up, like, spaghetti or so. Yeah. I think so. Like, here comes a big one. Like, lady in the trams just. I feel I'm not bringing good caffron energy I should bring up

but I fucking love it so like yeah so he spunked out a really long sperm and then it went into my mum super long and then stretched out her birth canal because the funk was going so fast oh wow yeah yeah yeah it pushed it long

so then when I came out I was super long yeah like Play-Doh like Play-Doh this is beautiful and that's how you end up tall If anyone wanting tall kids out there Make sure you get a man with long spunk Check out, Michael Bowen. I don't know why, now I'm thinking about my dad's spunk.

Wait, I should stop. Okay, treat. It's like the opposite to meditation, this is. Like, what do you think of to stop thinking about your dad's spunk? Think about your dad. It's still... A puzzle. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait. Your dad's been in a smelting accident, right? What's a smelting accident? I actually don't know. I'm thinking something is like... It feels like melted metal? Yeah, I think, yeah, let's say. So your dad's genitals

covered in melted metal. Why are you still with his genitals? Because it's gone. Okay. It's no spunk to be, you know, it's just nothing... Oh, my God, he's lost his dick. He has lost his dick. Oh, I kind of want the idea of another sibling at some point.

I kind of want my dad to be a super old, old dad for someone. Well, you mean, like, last chance to lose. You just puff it out like some talcum powder into some young. But a really long puff of talcum powder. The long is he has. Like a decrepit train just like falling apart on the way up there. Okay, I'm starting to picture this now because my dad does like the TV show Chernobyl. Okay.

And so do I, you know. Yeah. It's brilliant. I bought him the DVDs for Christmas a couple of years ago. Because he watches things like on repeat. Yes. So he's watched the Bourne trilogy, I'd say, about eight times a year since they came out. Very autistic.

A lot of things on repeat. I'm not going to say. Like that and Lord of the Rings On repeat Every Friday And then he's Yeah So he's watching Chernobyl

And Chernobyl I swear there is What I would describe In my head as a smelting accident Where their skin melts off Which is skin melting Smelting Oh

That's not what that is Have you looked it up? Are you right? It's metal melting Oh nice Nice nice Okay just be clear I was right

Because I said metal melting first I said Smelting first, and then I had the... You panicked. No, no, no, I had the, I had the, I had the, the, I had the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I don't know quite know what it is. But I admired you for it. Thank you. I mean, more politicians should do that.

Would Smelting then be Joffrey in Game of Thrones having the crown, not Geoffrey, who am I thinking of? What are you thinking of? I don't know. Dineris's brother gets a golden crown, but it's hot, wet, metal. liquid hot wet metal liquid poured on his head that's been smelted that's been smelted right thank you oh my god i'm so on board we're smelting now oh my god i feel like such a uh a suzy dent like dictionary corner but with a really low bar can we just say things we don't know to you and then you have to like google them yeah okay what is kate middleton's middle name

oh let's have a look i don't know why that's my first question that is quite is it like middle. I know it's going to be basic. Can I guess? Go on. Have a guess. I'm going to say Jane or Carol, because the mum's called Carol. Hang on. Sorry, my phone's in Spanish. Carol, Carol, Carol. Who caused your phone's Spanish? Carolina. I started flirting with the Spanish guy. Yeah. I can't speak Spanish. I was like, oh, so I'll practice. So I put my phone in Spanish. But it's changed all my apps to Spanish as well. And I do not enough, know enough

fetish words to understand what's happening on Grindr. It's really confusing. Andrew just saying C and then he arrives there and they've got a hoover and a back back. And he's like, motherfucker. Or me or steels, I don't know. Meelsteel. Is that not motherfucker? Is that motherfucker?

What? Me or steas? No, no, no, no. What's I-pappy mean? A-papie. I've heard it in songs. Yes, Dad? Yeah, yes, did me.

Oh, yes, Dad? Well, no, I isn't yes, but that's kind of the equivalent. Ah, like, yes. Oh, yeah, eyes, yes in Scottish. Yeah, anyway. Ah, yes. Yes. What would I name you're guessing for?

Okay, I'm going to go, Carol, Frank. Frank, let's go out there. Elizabeth. I knew it was going to be classic. Royal. Of course, it was regal. Carol was fucking gagging for it. Yeah, Carol knew.

I don't think anyone has wanted anything more. As soon as Kate slipped out of hers, it's like, into a ground. What a coincidence, the perfect timing to marry a prince. It gets so freaking creepy. You know that they both went, on their gap years at the same time and they both have the same charity program in Peru

but Kate was just on the program the week after him so she just missed him and it was like what a crazy coincidence like it's no coincidence there Carol was doing calls around figuring out where Prince William was putting his gap year and then got Kate on the same program

oh man you'd be so pissed if you had to like didn't pick what you were volunteering for on the off chance that the love of your life was there you'd be a lot less enthusiastic wouldn't you? That's so true But what would you want to volunteer for? What I like to volunteer for? Yeah.

Like on my gap year. And it's something I really want to do. By the way, I just want to let us to know that I've actually stopped thinking about my dad's spunk, which I think is a really good thing for me. I think that's the,

yeah, that's growth. Thank you. Someone tell me how long that time stamp was. It's too long. Let's say, did you have a gap year? No, I didn't have a gap year. I went to a college that had a test go in the front of it.

So there was no gap year. There was no student union. There was, what was there? There was soup in a cup. That was great. Just add hot water and start? No, there was this little cubby hole where there was this woman that lived, she didn't live there, sorry, she worked there.

And she would give you like soup with a slice of bread for one euro 50. Stop. So like I was poor at the time, so I would have my tomato soup in a big cup with a bit of bread. It was so good. And is this college university? It's a college of higher education. So BTEC level 6 is the... Oh, God, I did 1A level and I dropped out.

What's BTEC level 6? Is that the grade level 6? I don't know. It's something they told me on the open day. B-tech level. I got a higher diploma in radio, media specialising in radio. Oh, should I Google this?

Yeah, too. I forgot that's my role. I just want to know at what age was Allison spending one euro 50. on a cup of soup 19. Because if it's 19. I was 19, yeah, yeah. So that's university.

Oh, yeah, the equivalent of an undergraduate degree. Now, so I got. Congratulations. But I got out at a higher diploma, so it was IPTech level five. I'm super proud of you. Thank you. I'm so proud. I used to get a lift with my stepdad in his lorry

into Dublin in the mornings when it was a housing crisis. And so I'd get up at like five in the morning. Oh, babe. I felt like a lorry driver, though. It was so good. Yeah? Yeah, listen to the fish and forecast. Do you like play the role when you're doing those things?

Like when I have a job where I've got to get up really early for, I play the role of someone who always has to get up really early. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, another day on the grind. Yeah, and my language changes, oh, you know, convoy, you know. HGV. Yeah, you become really interested in petrol station food. You're like, oh, what's the variety today, you know?

I did a job for about, let's been about a year where I had to get up at 5 a.m. No, I had to be at work at five every single morning. What was it? So I left Hotel buffet. My job was hotel buffet. Oh, my God. I was an associate at the Marriott courtyard, which is the business marriott in Berlin. Oh.

And it was right by, do you know, Kockstraza, which is, like, Koch as in like Olga Koch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then basically it's where Checkpoint Charlie is, which is one of the most famous checkpoints for the Berlin Wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, but it would just be me. at 45 in the morning getting off the like underground station yeah and coming up and it was just me with the big pictures of these soldiers and then like remnants of sort of like tourists who had been there the night before and like crazy information crossing the wall to go to work and then like

a rat going across the street oh you feel like you go and put out sausage like what is a German breakfast buffet like you know what it was different in different countries I've been to Denmark like the one time what was that like incredible they had a vathe full of bacon and it was like crispy crispy smoky um not back bacon streaky bacon it was incredible it's the kind of bacon you know for me i mean i could talk about i could talk about breakfast buffets to the cows i honestly feel like we found our theme let's do it and let's get in so i thought it's going to be talking about trauma but i am happy to do the breakfast trauma you want to open up to me well a bit of trauma abandoned oh my god that's the way

Tell me about the Danish Because I've never been to Denmark So it was like A really really big vat of bacon Incredible bacon Individually I find that I'm not demeaning your work Like

But I find it breakfast buffets Sometimes you pick up a bit of bacon And four kind of follow it And you're like I would have had four anyway But not attached I felt no I understand I understand

So an incredible piece of bacon They had Nutella quite This is about six years ago So for me Individual packets of Nutella Were quite the thing pancake maker and waffle iron

okay we had a waffle iron but only on Sundays at this hotel buffet only on Sundays I bet that was a fecker to clean out it's a fuck to clean out it's also people you'd say this is the amount of waffle mix you want to put in the waffle machine

yeah they'd think you're lying consistently be like it needs more but then it wouldn't work right right let's go back to the beginning of buffets because I've got quite history with hotel buffets Now, I don't know which episode it was.

This is like an episode of Michael. It's been almost all of them. Has it? No. It's like Michael Portillo on trains, but hell of hour of breakfast buffets would be amazing. I went on holiday to Lanzarotti. Yes.

I came back and I discussed in detail what I did at a hotel buffet there. And I've actually had a lot of people come up to me and praise me for this. Okay. So basically, I'll just quickly say it again for anyone who hasn't listened to it. Basically, I went to Lanzarotti,

stayed at a hotel, but all inclusive for breakfast, but nothing else. So the first night I get to Lanzarotti, I order a Chinese takeaway to the hotel insisting that they get proper Tupperware. You're so clever. You're so clever. I see where you're going. I get the Tupperware. I clean it in the bathtub.

I take it down to breakfast every single day with me. Bath tub. Sorry, that was skipped over. Would you not like the bathtub? What would you look like? Oh, go clean it in the pool? No, I'm seeing it. Clean my chal mane off in the pool. How big is this Tupperware?

Why are you using the bar? I had about eight boxes. There's a big Chinese takeaway. She's a, you just throw them all in. bath you're like stirring him around first nine lands and Rossi let's go to paella absolutely not

do you like sticky ribs yeah but I totally get you because a buffet first and foremost it's a wonderful thing but it is for stretching it as far as it can go of course of course it wouldn't be a buffet it wasn't I have only started doing this since having worked

on hotel buffets in my early 20s because they will give you bags if you ask we will give it to you I did not know this and marry it and any other equipment hotel like that we say yes to everything. Oh my God. So if you want a bag, we have them behind the counter.

And we will help you facilitate taking things away with you. Oh my God. If only I knew, I just... It doesn't affect us at all. I feel like I would be offending you. No, I know.

And people used to feel that way. Always ask. Right. I think if the bacon isn't what you were hoping and it all comes out together, you can also ask. No.

But I'm also aware that it's like consumerism so you don't want to be that person to ask. What I will say about the little shashos of Nutella. Yes. I'd rather the big pot. Would you?

With a couple of ramekins next to it that I can fill up as much as I want. Well, you mean like, okay, I mean, in one position are you talking about this? Are you talking about, you would rather the Nutella in a big pot with a couple of ramekins as a customer or as a person

that's working in the breakfast buffet? I'd say both. I'd say both. Ideally, at a breakfast buffet, I'd arrive at the table and it would have a full bottle of ketchup on it, a full bottle of brown sauce. Yeah.

brown sauce. Mayo. Mayo. For the potatoes. You've probably had this conversation before, haven't you? No. For breakfast potatoes? No, that's wrong.

You mix mayo and ketchup together. That's like a product cocktail sauce. I honestly, shut up. You were. I listened to you and your truth. You, I don't know. This is like, because in college there was this girl I lived with who was obsessed with pink sauce. She sounds great.

She sounds fun. She's a have a pizza. She's about pizza. Yeah, me too. I love burgers. the sauce that's the ultimate one it's got ketchup meo and a bit of mustard well what about the ones you know the difference between that and big mac sauce is like uh sugar gherkin gherkin gherkin brian and a bit of gurks i love gherkins i love gherkins anyway back to this okay i'm trying to give katherine

but i would rather have the condiments on the table yeah i don't want people to see my access towards the natalah so i don't want to end it with loads of little pots of it or little individual ones you don't want people to see what you've done Whereas I can load up a big one. Yeah. I wouldn't trust, I just wouldn't trust people with Nutella, though, as a, like, a big part of Nutella. Yeah.

Someone's going to do something to that. Someone's going to... I'm thinking about the Germans. Yeah? And they didn't. I know, you can trust the Germans, but like... Can you? Thank you so much for saying, there.

I used to live in Germany. I know, but, like, even more so, can you trust the Germans? I felt like they were very trustworthy people. They were like... Oh! Look, we're all over the war. It's not, it's not that. What war, when?

Oh, no. Oh, goodness. My dad, my dad used to, because my dad was a builder, and he used to sing two, two, two, was it, two world wars and a world cup. Oh, that one, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he, he, he, he did that on the street while he was drunk in Germany, and, uh, someone beat him up. And my mom was like, and I was like, a six-year-old. I was like, dad. And I can hear her mom go, now, serves you right, you English bastard. Like, no.

Why did they not stay together? I don't know. Weird. Did they get divorced pretty soon after that? No, it took another 10 years. Oh, babe. It took another 10 years. Like, I wish they just called it early.

Yeah. Yeah, well, look, it's like, it's like Northern Ireland. You know, I mean, it could have sorted this out in the 70s, but we did it in the 90s. Have we not done that yet? Well, you're going, like, you know, Brexit and all that. We're still helping out, though, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good, good. You've got all your counties you want it.

I know it's something like they want it. Is it seven? Six. Six. You, do you know what? You play ignorance, but yet you know so much. You want six counties back. Yeah, we do preferably.

I don't give a shit, have them. I think so. I don't know if it's my authority. Well, should we do like one a year, like a secret Santa or something? What do you think that they won't notice the difference? Like when you're trying to take your parents alcohol and you take a little bit and replace it of water and a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

Well, just take one a year. What's the difference? You're going to use euro instead of pounds? We'll take for a manor first. We'll see if they notice. That's the county. You can have it. Okay.

Andrew, do you want to do it for manner or are you all right to show? I'm all right to share. Yeah, that's fine. So the buffet, you would, you would, you would take. No, we've already done it. We've already ruined the Catholic vibe. Okay. So you would take, what would you, how many, you've had your champagne.

You've washed it at this stage. And now, you've probably talked in detail about this. I have. I have, but I say, let me say my favorite buffet, I think. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Malaysia. What? You went to Malaysia?

Several times. Several times, guys. And I did stay at a very fancy hotel. And this was like, oh my God. Half a family in Malaysian, so we usually stay out there. Right. But there was loads of people over, so we were in a hotel. And one of our uncles or something booked my immediate family into this hotel, which was insane.

Yeah. And the buffet basically had like a different. an area for like all around the world to cater for like because it was like a big international hotel oh my god like an intercontinental or something oh my god there's like a japanese section a traditional Malaysian section an Indian section a European section an American section because who doesn't want a breakfast burger that's incredible that's incredible insane like omelette stations oh you have miso you can have sushi oh it was fucking because I once did a buffet in America called the golden corral

and it was life changing it's life change and listen to it like what are we talking about why did it took us about three times in a row for like three meals

this is incredible and it was like so you know there's like round the world buffets like Cosmos yeah yeah I know your culture have I told this before about my severely overweight

relatives who went to a buffet once no no so it was this is awful as a joke I used to do when I was younger for my family and everyone we used to laugh this is back to the fact

shaming of dad this was something I would kill in my like the Bowers group is that we got two relatives who were like

documentary fat like they don't walk yeah yeah yeah they could but they don't fucking good for them they once ate so many cream eggs

I got a bag because they ate so many that's incredible it was incredible it was incredible they so we used to have jokes for them going to a buffet

and then everyone seeing them walking in yeah and then I would parody it and play it out like it was Titanic you know when the water's

gushing into the engine room and everyone's running out trying to get under the doors and they're closing so they'd be walking into the buffet

we've got a 219 people screaming on the back and I threw this whole play out I'm like fry everything that's not enough but you know as a fat person

in a buffet it's like I do take a lot but I don't go up on many trips there is a part of me I'm not arst I'll just say

I go up I go up a lot Okay, okay. Because I fear the full plate and extra charge at the end. Does that, is that a myth? I think that's a myth. You've seen that in, you've seen it play out. I've seen it happen.

No. Chinese takeaway in Farnborough. What? 100%. Who paid it? Was it your mom? Was it like, can't eat another thing. She wouldn't take me to a buffer.

She wouldn't fucking take me to a buffer. By the way, Helen's mom, if I ever meet you, it's like, I'm very nice, said her money. I don't think she's listening. If you are listening, mother, you know I love you. We just can't discuss food. and we've been over this many times. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, we always somehow do. Cue emotional phone call from her tomorrow being like, darling, it's only because I want you to live a long time. Isn't it? My mom, like, I have this with other comedian women as well, where they'll talk about their mom ringing them up and gone, did I affect you that much? Like, is this, you know?

Yeah. Well, it is my truth, Mom. It's so tricky because I remember asking, my mom quite early on and stand up, like before it was even like a really a career being like, can I chat about stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, yeah,

carp lunch, baby. And in general, she loves it. But I imagine every now and again, she'll probably be a bit like, what the fuck? My mom takes it far better than my dad. Like my mom, because I did stand up and it was mostly about my mom all the time.

Uh-huh. Irish mom. But my dad, I have a tea, I had a TV. series in Ireland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the the mum character is basically my mum. It's definitely based on her. Because my mum used to, like,

because I tried to kill myself when I was younger. Oh. I'm bringing it down to now. I tried as well. We've all given it a go. Yeah, exactly. That were all like, oh, we've tried, but you didn't go through with that. Wasn't figure it out either. Wasn't for me. Turns out. It's actually really hard to do.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. My friend. My friend. That was actually a real Catherine. energy, that. Was it? Trying to kill myself. What did I say?

My friend Maurice says about self-hire. She's like, it's all well and good, but actually doing it. It's quite sore. And you're like, yeah, you're right, you know. The idea of it is great. I know, I know. But she would always like, check in on me. I remember once I was about 15, I was like reading a book in my room.

And my mom just popped the door open really quick. Oh, thank God. Okay, okay, you haven't killed herself. I've got right, right. I closed it there. So, like, I based a lot of her. And the character in the sitcom, there was no, there was no dad in it.

And then there was, I did some sort of joke in the show that a mom, because actually, this is Catherine energy. Me and Catherine have a very similar bit about our moms, because we both have Irish moms. And it was fine because I was living in Ireland and stuff. And like, like, I think we've both thrown away the bit. But it was about like, that my mom would ring me and go, like,

never guess who died oh the yeah the the website Catherine talked about yeah yeah yeah yeah remember this bit yeah that was years ago years ago so like she so my mom would go like you never guess who died and in the show I was like oh it's not dad is it and she was like why would I say it like that you know and then my dad was like my real dad was like I was really hurt you said that in the TV show and he was trying to also I had little DVDs made from of the TV show it took him two years to watch it I can't have to ask him to watch it. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, I haven't got around to it yet. I think now looking back, he was probably nervous or something like that. And then he did, eventually he did watch it. And I was like, Dad, watch Vigfit.

And he goes, well, honestly, it's not really aimed at me, is it? It's not really aimed at my, you know, and I was like... My dad does that one as well. But it isn't,

it isn't actually. But no, actually, everything I do is aimed at my dad. Like this podcast, everything is a communication with my dad to have this. Look what you done. But is it a kind of like your mom

will actively watch and seek out things you're doing. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I put the same thing. My mum watches and listens and actively seeks it out and my dad doesn't. Yeah. So she is more aware of like what I'm saying. But the thing is my mom used to like protect me on Twitter

and stuff. Like where people would be like if I went on TV and she's glorified obesity. And my mom be like, fuck you. And then she would tweet at the television channel go, this Alison Spittal one is really quite good. I'd get around all her other stuff you know. And it's like Jennifer

Smithill. How many, how many spittles are there, you know? And it's all love. My mum is the same. She's so desperately, desperately. She's so supportive. Yes, my mum is too. But then every now and again, I'll say something or I'll have a topic and she'll be like,

was it really that miserable for you? And it's like, oh, no, no, it's not. It's just, so I'm doing this, like, new bit about how when I was younger, our family holidays revolved around museums and historical sites of interest. Yeah. It's sort of like Disney and the beach. Yeah. And I sort of.

vaguely joke about how, like, but it's fine, as I take myself to Disneyland now, I give myself a child that I wanted. But it wasn't traumatising. So did Michael Jackson and that got him in trouble. Sorry. I keep it on, leaving Neverland last night to fall asleep to. To fall asleep to.

Even when I was getting, I was thinking, don't say this on the podcast, right? And yet, here we are. I was trawling Netflix to buy something to watch. Oh, a bit of ASMR to say. And I was like, perfect. That'll work out nicely. This is a real yours vest.

Oh. My name's Wade Jones. Hello, and I'm the mother of Wade. And the worst thing is I could hear some Neil in the background next door, watching like a Cardio West documentary. You know what, we need to bring on our guest. Yes. I feel like we're starting.

We did 20 conversations and finished. Zero. Andrew, would you say that we crushed it? Absolutely crushed it. Should we make a hog-nise and introduce Poppy Hillster? Absolutely, wait there. I want to hear yours. Okay, I'll do a...

Oh, can I just, last time you did this, on episode one. Yes, one of our first ever pig squealers. Yes. It was so loud, I had to turn it down 30 volume points on my editing software. Do you want me to do that loud? proud as before or do you want me to keep it at a I'm honestly impressed

I think either maybe yeah either go to beat the record or rain it in your choice okay wait should I go first? Yeah you do first set the bar wait um what's your emotion for your pig oh what am I okay so last time you'd witnessed your mother

being your mother pig being killed yeah yeah you went trauma maybe I've smelled sausages and know what it is all right oh my God so you smell you're like good smell but wait a second that's a good one okay and i have the spirit of the pigs have got into the way just finished watching shrek for the first time as the pig but i've

also in that moment found out there's actually sequels okay so i'm like shrek's finished it was amazing but thank god there's more okay okay okay sorry one second the tip of the tongue the teeth and the lips are we sponsored by Starbucks I feel like fuck you Alison I'm really trying to get into roll okay just like okay

thank you that felt good did you feel my eyes I didn't blink I did I was looking into them I was going for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, Shrek 2's great, mate.

Shrek 2's great. Catherine's got a fucking hate that. Why did she get Shrek? No, no, just the pick off this. I was like, Jesus. Actually, she's never been that incited about Shrek whenever I bring it up, which is usually about twice a week. Yeah.

Have you been to the Shrek experience? Yeah, that one. Yeah. I don't talk about it. Not properly yet. Just walk past it a million times. Me too. It's quite expensive.

Doesn't matter. Okay. You can't put a price on fun. That's true. Okay. Oh, dear. So I'm in pig mode now. Okay.

That was in granite. That's not like a brown and blue inhaler situation. Did they do BAFTAs for podcasts? I think they should. They need it. That was amazing. That's amazing. Let's welcome our guest.

It's the wonderful puppy Houston. Woo! Oh, hi Hogs. It's Helen from literally the night before you're hearing this. Because I've been nominated for an award. which is very excited. It's called, like, Best Breakthrough, like Breakout. Something to do with Kelly Clarkson on Chortle Comedy Awards,

but you have to vote for me. Oh, my God, this guy's going so fast. Oh, my God. I hope it doesn't hit a hedgehog. Anyway, oh, my God, hedgehog. Hugs. Please vote for me. It's on chortle.com.

Andrew's going to do something great with this. And then all my dreams will come true. Thank you, and I love you, and I hope you're enjoying this episode. and Catherine knows what happened on it, so it's fine. Oh, also, important thing, it literally closes on the 17th, so you have to do it like now, like right now. Okay, thank you, bye. I just assumed the second take would be a retake.

It wasn't, which is mad. Andrew, you can put Catherine's message in the response to that because I think that's really important, because that was bullshit. You Curly Girl Method? I mean, not that great because it's gone like a big... No, it's so beautiful, stop it. It is good, curls.

So I did Curly Girl Method once, like three weeks ago. How was it for you? I just, I can't live like that. I can't be that person. And I understand that it looked fine. Yeah. But like the commitment to washing hair just leaving it and then not touching it,

I'm such a fiddler. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, people are like, oh, you've got a spot, just don't touch it. Like, oh. So I've got a spot at the, I wonder if you can see it. I got, let's have a look. Do you want to point it to the camera, let the, let the viewers see too?

I've got one on both. Yes, I've got one like that. Wow. Everyone get this. One second. You got any. I don't have any spots. I'm afraid.

Andrew, we're recording? Yeah. Should I show this to? Oh, yeah, that's a nice. Oh, that's a bit. I really want to pop it. Can you? Do you want me to, do you want me to puff and have to have a fan?

Is that ready though? It's not quite. It's given the illusion of a nice white head at some point. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to... It'd be like your dad's long spunk. Just coming out.

You just missed a wonderful conversation about my dad having long spunk. Yeah, I've got a theory now that the longer the spunk, the tall of a kid. On 6'1. Individuals spunk. Yeah. Yeah. We've discussed it in my new...

And I did biology GCSE grade C, so I think I'd bloody know. I think I'd bloody know. So I've got this spot here. Yeah. And that classic example of like, don't pick it. It's nice that. That's going to be people on that, guys.

My mom's good. My mom loves picking spots. Do you want to come over next week and have a go on it? Yeah, okay. A hot flannel. My mom just treats it like a whole, you know. This is the thing. And people are like, oh, just don't touch it.

Just leave it. Yeah. But I have to squeeze and pick. Yeah. I've even got like scars on my back from me just like digging at things. Wow. I had two spots in my ear last year. In your ear.

I got a video of Jay. Ed Adams trying to squeeze him out. Oh, having the best day of our life. Great, great bit of content there. Oh, that's a name drop, wasn't there? Sorry, Jade Adams actually squeezing a spot on my bloody ear. But it's the same with the carding on the Amazon Prime Special.

She's got an Amazon Prime Special. You know what? She still has time to squeeze friend spots. I mean, she's incredible. Incredible ladies. That's a great shout for Jay. Yeah, yeah. She'll bloody do anything.

You know what I mean? She's an up for it, gal. We'll be watching her on a film go, like, she's squeeze my spot. in your ear was that? I'd, a dub, you know what, I've actually got a video of me squeezing it. Oh, yes, please. I sent it to Chloe Pats,

but it also involves some quite heavy breathing from me. All of my videos include heavy breathing. I sound like a pug. Like, I genuinely, oh shit. Oh, Christy. Ah! Wait a-oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay, Andrew. Sorry, Andrew. I was not too much. Did it what you to go? You actually have. It was fucking amazing. Oh yeah, your gag reflex.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Sorry. We're good. I've got a very empathetic gag reflex. That was like, disgusting. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Don't say. It's like you and it. I'm swayed. I'm swayed. I'm going to get some water. It's going to... It's like... You know what I'm going to cause a chain reaction.

My palms are so sweaty right now. It was like... It was like the matrix when it used the people that's battered. the people of batteries. It's like, coming to queue. I'm so sorry,

I did not expect that reaction. I didn't eat it. I was like, yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. And he wanted to squeeze this one. So I thought you girls are game.

No, I'm game. I'm all right. I quite like that. This is genuinely like, I'm into some light spanking, and then I come into someone's house. And it's like, nipple claps and stuff.

And I'm like, oh, actually. Actually. It's a bit. too real. It feels like a bad time, but do you want to introduce Poppy? Yeah. No?

I'm doing bad Catherine in that. Catherine would never gag like that on part. She wouldn't wish they got out. Now I'm thinking about things that make me gag and it's going to make me gag. Oh, yeah, okay. Right, can we all, sorry, can we just calm down? Can we just miss it?

Sorry, can we go? Can we also make it clear? No, sports. Not shaming? No. At the end of the day, what was happening in my ear last summer in Devon was a very specific carcophony of shit. It was like, it was pulsating though.

It was, I mean, I'm not shaming. I didn't expect it to be out of the ear. Because it was already a little bit out. Yeah. And then it was just, I didn't expect it to erupt that quickly. I didn't either. Wow. She was squeezing.

It was, she was in there. Yeah. I'll see if I can find the video when this comes out. And I'll put it on my Instagram. the day it gets released pop out of the patron if you really want to see it if you're sending you a video on the inside of my ear it was um welcome poppy else yeah welcome welcome this is perfect like i love it i'm gonna want to see it again i know that's but i'm happy to send it to you show again show again this time no i'm not going to you're at risk now my

no no no no is it will sick ever come out with the gag in or it's just pure gag i mean like Like, it's, it's happened before. Is it? So what originally, what I read, that originally happened. Yeah, my origin story of my empathetic gag reflex. I'm an empath. Me too. Me too.

I remember watching a Tarant on TV years ago. Do you remember that TV show? Wait, Tarant on TV? Yeah, Tarant on TV. Yeah, Tarant on TV. I'm going to have to close my eyes when I tell you this. It's just to control myself and ground myself. but I was watching it

I was a teenager and you know there was loads of stuff like there's like they go oh it's mad what they do in Europe and then you see like a flailing dick

doing a helicopter or something oh meat spin yeah that kind of meatspin yeah but they were like look at what these people do on German TV aren't they mad right and it was like a German guy

hello he was going and he was like it was like one of these like fox pops people out of the street and he goes there he goes I'm so fucking excited Okay

This is because of Taran on TV Chris Tarrett has scarred me Okay So like yeah So the guy The German guy is like Oh, to the people of the street And he goes like

Oh would you drink this milk And they're like Yeah Drink this milk for like 20 toy marks and they're like, yeah, I think it's good. And he goes, and did he, Duh?

Sorry, what is it? I don't like that elephant. And the milk was like, two months. Sorry. Two months have to have it. Yeah, two months. That's it. I should have.

So he did it. He got, ha ha ha ha ha. They couldn't, they couldn't, they couldn't, they couldn't even pour it. They couldn't,

how well I did it came out straight. Like it came out as a solid bear. God, I'm going to be speaking. Shit. Oh, my God. It's me like a... I'm sorry. Don't stop.

So many times. I'm scared it's going to cause a chain reaction. I'm getting slides up. From the mouth... So the person... You turn out of the story... The story is... We need a safe word.

We do. I have a little piss myself. So the person... Depersonated. I'm sorry. The person... Depersonated. Anyway, that's the...

That's the lot... I'm sorry. And somehow, in college, like, we were all telling each other's secrets. So there's more. Wait, wait, wait, I need to get up for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at an angle where I move, I might fit. So I've got to figure out a way now.

Okay. If anyone not watching on YouTube, I'm on the floor. And I've got my legs at an angle so I can't. So I'm going to slowly stand up. And I said, just stop talking. Okay, you know what? A bit came out, but it's black jeans. It's black jeans.

The people are a girlfriend are going to get a very stale smell for me. Okay. So, okay, sorry, so they ate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. They ate it, yes. And so in college, I was just chatting about, like, you know, what has affected you most as a child and I was like,

I got this one, tell them that kind of did the same, thing as what I didn't know but blam it and I actually like followed through and this is like followed through and then anytime we had a house party or anything like that at the house because these were my flatmates they would then go oh I got a parake to you Alison hasn't come over and then they would describe it to me in my new detail and they would talk about the texture and I'm sorry and I would vomit onto myself they would follow me and they would follow me and talk about it.

I used to be trick and friends. Yeah. It didn't end well their friendship. My trick is making my friend vomit. Yeah. So that's what would happen. And that's that really, I'm so sorry. I feel like, can we just take a fucking minute?

Yeah. What did I say to you earlier? Bring a Catherine by what energy. What did I say? Look at me. I know. Bring a Catherine by all her energy. She would never gag in public.

Ever. I can't believe I put a nice makeup. McClitz were. So do that make makeup. I know. I know. So, Poppy, what are you up to this week? I'm drinking hot chocolate with milking right now.

And I'm scared. I'm scared. Yeah. Something might happen. I think this has passed this on to me. I think that any time I'm doing a washing up and if I see like a glab of milk, it makes me, it makes me...

I understand that milk's a trigger for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I was like about this a couple of weeks ago, but do you know, Neil O'Rourke? Yeah, it's lovely. Lovely. He drinks glasses of milk, like in cafes and stuff, and I just think it's like, grow up.

You know, you're a wonderful comedian, a lovely man, but at the end of the day, stop. Just stop. Like, it's just wrong. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. When you say down yourself, like, sick down, would you just kind of sit and just say,

because I'm kind of like, you know, when you go through Trava, you freeze. I would just be like, no, please, please. Oh, God. They would talk about the mouth feel. It would just be, I'm over it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Do you know, once that's gone, I feel like I could talk, it's mad, because I talk about really disgusting stuff. Yeah, but like, gone off milk is just my... That's your krypton knife. I feel, I'll say this and then we'll leave it. Okay, okay. I think what might have happened is that what was happening inside my ear

triggered a solid milk. It did, it did. I'm done, so using it as careful as I can, affecting you, which then took you down a bad road. It did, yes. We'll leave this now. Consider me triggered. Freezing isn't the worst trait to have in a trauma situation

I'm really into end of the world stuff into it yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm really worried about the end of the world that I'll lose my glasses Is that your main stress? Mine is rationing Oh, not fucking rationing I'll kill myself I'll kill myself before I'm told how many of my answer a meal

I've got a tinned food Like when the pandemic happened I bought quite a lot of tinned fish because I felt like we needed protein That was long life protein. And as I growing stuff on my balcony. Oh, that's nice. I thought the world was going to end.

Because the food that you'll grow in central London will 100% give you the nutrients you need. So I'm really into the world stuff. I used to be really into the films growing up. J-after tomorrow, Independence Day. I then got so into it that I started reading non-fiction about End of the World. There's an amazing book.

I think it's called The Unthinkable by Amanda. Something. and my friend bought it for me. Incredible. And it's about how everyone in them naturally has a reflex to any sort of disaster or massive event.

And you can either freeze or you can run. The main one, it's quite gendered the book, just in general, just so like anyone listen to it. It's very gendered as far as as like men and women's general responses.

Right. And in general, this is so awful. Women, we don't survive these situations as much as men. Like from everything from like man made disasters to tsunamis and earthquakes, because we spend on average five to 16 minutes gathering things before we go. So, and this includes people as well as things.

Oh, women are just so, they take so long to get ready. You're in the bottom of the stairs. Come on, love, does it? And they did a case study on 9-11. Yeah. And they found, so like, there was a lot of people who didn't leave immediately because they were getting stuff because it's a trauma response. This isn't like an active decision of like,

I should take things with me. Oh, my gosh. So they were grabbing things and it doesn't usually make sense and they had loads of women particularly walking out of the towers before they collapsed holding like a hole punch or something looking really confused by it.

Yeah, yeah. Oh really? They're just kind of grabbing stuff. But it also is the human instinct and they grab people as well. Lovely. So they often start trying to help people whereas men in general fucking flee. Wow. And they just go but if you, for every single reaction

to an awful event can line up with the right one and be the perfect response. Okay. So freezing is actually the perfect response in a human stampede or a sort of like mass crushing incident. Oh, right. Because the freezing holds you in place.

Yes. Instead, you're not going to fall, you're not trying to like jostle, you just stay still. Oh, like a bollard. But if you're in a tsunami, you'd be fucked. Oh, my.

Just standing there, gagging, thinking about milk. He's coming to morning. Well, a tsunami of, like, gone off milk how awful is that though that we don't live because we're we should be fucking gathering our self-respect on that 16 minutes

this is our feminist part of the podcast we're like women you need to lean into surviving I think we need to stop gathering but I kind of get it because I do gather as well it's faffing about isn't it and I'm a big fath though I do keep thinking in an end of the world situation that I am gonna like because I live on a fourth floor

of a building yeah so I feel like I'm kind of like good because if as soon as me comes maybe it'll reach the top of the, hopefully. It'll be fine. I'm thinking any sooner me where I live is going to be like, you think the tsunami's one you're most at risk for in London. Yeah, I do. You never.

Poppy? What do you never know? I worry about this stuff all the time. I'm all like, literally today I was like, I ever think there's a murderer in the house. Yeah. And I get terrified. Literally, I watched a TikTok about like a boy that went missing.

And then suddenly I was like, yeah, I think there's a fucking person in the house. now and then I couldn't work out before it was just like wait the boy in the house oh no I think he's in it he's got the complete wrong end of the stick I'm gonna have a look under a stand he was under a stick yeah okay it's so wrong but then what do you do so like we want in that moment you're you're home alone and you think there's someone in the house who means you ill you know what do you know that has happened to me twice what there's been someone in my house yeah yeah but genuinely there yeah yeah yeah yeah

like I what this happened in like a two week period of like I was living in Dublin yeah I was doing comedy this is about eight years ago uh-huh and I came home from a gig and my landlady who was like really security averse like she just wasn't great yeah yeah yeah laughing her doors and shit I heard some footsteps upstairs for it was my landlady was calling her down because I'd just roasted some nuts like I was in about 20 minutes in the house with this person upstairs and like well yeah yeah well it was let that in Macadamia and maple syrup and sea salt. Oh, that's really lovely.

Well done you. It's like, the smell was amazing. And I called down my landlady because I was like, wanted to have a look at these nuts. And like, what came to him? Come and have a look. Yeah, it was a man who came down to stairs with like a pillowcase over his face to hide his identity. What the fuck?

And instead of going out at the front door, he came into the kitchen to me because he knew I was on my own. And he'd a knife. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you not trauma responseing to this, but you are to the milk? I know. Actually, let's not question people with mental health.

That was toxic. Your reaction is your reaction and this makes sense. So he came in and they's like, car keys, car keys. And I was like, when I tried to learn how to drive when I was 15 but I couldn't work much. And I was like, I'll really explain it to this man.

I apologize for not having a car. into escaping, but he saw my bag and he went for my bag. I ran out the door. I always keep my phone on my bra. People tell me, on safe. They're like, you've got titty cancer. And I'm like, not today, bitch. And I ran out, screamed. This like 14-year-old girl of a Chihuahua came up and I was looking at her. Like, you're not going to help anyone. And he ran out. Then moved out of a house because I didn't want to live in that house.

Yeah, no, fair enough. New house told the landlord what happened to me. He said, I'm getting a new front door. because the door is old and like you know you want to fight and like yeah yeah yeah the problem was the person who installed the door

left the old door beside the front door so anyone that was passing it who was a bit iffy would be like give that a go so me and my new flat mate were watching Taken 2

we came yeah in the cinema we came home from watching it I'm like discussing it and shit we walk in and we look upstairs and there's two men with crowbars

at the top of the stairs fuck oh yeah yeah so I'm like to to like my mate like her name is Heisen I was like

I know what to do because she's from South Korea and I was like so I rolled up into a ball in front of the front door and I started swearing up and I was like I'm gonna call the police so hard when you fucking leave

and they God love him they were like bears God love him yeah God love him but they were the gentleman who broke in with the crowbar they were gentlemen robbers

because they were more afraid of me than I was of them really they wanted to get out but the problem was that my body was rolled up in a ball in front of the front door so they were trying to open the front door it wasn't opening so they just like lightly footed me to the side

like a pair of like dirty underwear just like flicked me to the side and left and then my mate Heisen she had like 2,000 quid in South Korean money and a fiver in English pounds and they only took the fibre because they didn't know the worth

of South Korean money just quickly you need to re like you need to change a definition of a gentleman I'm really not okay with that. Like he kicked you out of the way. Yeah. Chalmatizing. I like the one.

I don't know. Because when it happens to you, you compare it to two. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But when that, so I'm really afraid of, I was cats sitting for my,

I was cat sitting for Deborah, Francis White actually. Clang. She's got lovely, I know. I thought you'd want that on a podcast, a bit of a name. And she's these cats and the cats,

I was staying in her house, but the cats sound like men going up and down the stairs and I was like yeah they did like boom boom going up and down the stairs so I like locked myself

into a toilet started crying and called my boyfriend and I was like you're going to have to come around these cats are like men stop yeah yeah

proper yeah so like I mean you know we were just chatting just you know we were doing hypothetical oh sorry we were very much

on the page of like, oh, Poppy, what would you do an end of a wild situation? Or if someone's in your house, what would you do? And then you went, here's two more traumas. And I'm going to go through them in order. That was one of my head at Bruchels. I'm just

like trauma, trauma, trauma. Do you feel like you've just done a show? I know. Yeah, that's my. Like, but I would have put the gagging at 40 minutes. Oh, you would, yeah. Personally, I would put the dairy at 40. A little glass of milk beside me. I'm not afraid anymore.

If you have a baby bell to start the show, that would have been impossible for me eight years ago. That's going on a journey. Bar, bar, bar, bar, bar, baby bell. Bur, bur, burglary. Oh, sorry.

Let's go on. Should we do a little problem then? Shall we? Shall we? This is the end of all of our career. I know. I don't have been tricking us for advice. I still can't stop thinking about you gagging

I know I'm sorry Andrew I'm ready okay okay this is from G Hi G Hey G Hi trusty hogs Hi

I'm seeing a few girlfriends this weekend I've seen over a year I love them all very much And they're not particularly judgmental or critical people However they are very athletic and slender And in contrast over the past year I've gained quite a lot of weight

Yay I'm worried it's going to be an obvious elephant in the room situation. I don't know if it would be worse if it was mentioned by the others during the weekend or if it's not mentioned. I think we've done this one. You reckon? I think M read it out. Oh, I see. I didn't listen back to that episode. That's so bad isn't it? I was just thinking. I was really embarrassing.

I swear I've heard this one. Can you do me fair? Can you team me up for the problem again and I'll be a different one? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry. I was listening to that going like, I swear we had a fat lass who was feeling awkward last time. Like, how many awkward fat lassas are there?

I've listened to the, I know, a lot, since the pandemic. A lot of girls are something like, what do I do and it's like, you're fine. A lot of my join our ranks and I'm like, oh. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Let's do a problem. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. I'm focused. Hi, hogs. Hi. Hi. What was that? I don't know. I was panicked.

V. V. So lately, I've been feeling pretty alone at school. I used to feel like I was in loads of friend groups and always had someone to talk to. Lately, though, I feel like the friend I have is this one girl. And she's so wonderful and I'm happy with that but the problem is she's friends with this other girl I struggle being around here we fucking go as the sugar babes all over again me and my friends are both recovering from eating disorders and her friend is too oh my thing is her friend makes a lot of eating disorder jokes and says things that make it harder for me to keep recovering should I tell her how much her jokes bother me and risk losing my friend or try to get through

it brackets note I have tried talking to my friend about this before and she feels bothered by the jokes too so that's the situation what is the best course she needs to know how they make you feel like she does she does and I think it's such an obviously like hope your recovery goes really well yeah it's a very difficult thing good luck with it sending lots of love tell the fucking bitch to call it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like are you fucking kidding because it is triggering and trying to go over it and someone's making light of something I make light of things all the time I am that toxic friend in the group. Yeah, but if someone tells you...

But if someone says, hey, just so you know, at the moment, I can't handle this, then you know to leave it. Have they all had eating disorders, all three of them? Oh, come on. We've all had one at some point. You've got to dabble. You've got to dabble. I fucking went through.

I love them. It's like wicker. Yeah, yeah. As a teenage girl, you're giving a girl. All right. All three. Yes, all three. All three.

Okay. This might be her coping mechanism. Yeah. Yeah. But it's making it clear to this third friend, hey like I'm wondering that's your coping mechanism we can't handle it so let's agree between the three of us

that this is something that we can't do yeah or what you could do is you could maybe demean that friend that you don't like that much to your other friend and freeze her out and make sure you make it as toxic as possible for each other. Why not make up a lie

that they've talked about that other friend you know what I mean? You're like look at she was joking talking quite a lot about you to me and I just want to tell you and then it's so tricky because when you like don't do that please don't do that obviously we're not qualified and you know that but it's like a group of three friends because you want everyone and grunts of threes are so fucking difficult very little yeah have you been struggling this is the handbook this is the handbook

this episode my love v in a ball in the corner just rocking back and four properly. But I do think yeah. Number one you said you were at school amazingly you've already got this language and you're thinking this way. Yeah, that generation.

Because I'll be like, someone who looks to me wrong, I'm not talking to them for two weeks. And then I would if I wanted to get to their party. Yeah. You can say, if it makes you feel awkward, just say, this makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't speak on behalf of your other friend

because they might be comfortable saying it to them yet. Doesn't mean you have to be friends anymore. It might mean that you're, friendship changes for a bit yes but friendships do change yeah over the years they do nothing lasts forever you know they shift in vibe yeah yeah yeah they do and we were just discussing earlier before we even start doing the podcast about like some days with people a conversation can be great yeah and very chill and then other days it goes a completely different

way yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah feeling different you're feeling different totally so try and be mindful of her situation. Because it sounds like that's her coping mechanism. And I think that person knows that that's in its hard, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So genuinely, yeah, I do think,

like, how do you... Communicate. That's the only thing and it's so easy to say. How did teenage girls in our generation do of it? I do think it was like... Secret. We always went to the bathroom and threw up or starved ourselves at home. Like, really obsessive food diary keeping,

but it was all very hidden from each other whilst reading Jacqueline Wilson, about it and not putting two together and then basically when we were all like 25 26 we were like oh did you too oh me too oh for fuck we would have out of this hair like very disappointing when you're like oh you are what's one oh my maths block for i was in science like pass and ships like first break i'm second bloody now But yeah, it's so tricky because I am the friend who would make fun of it

even though even if I was struggling. Oh, like me and a mate that live together we had both had very traumatic things happen to us and we used to, it was like if we would get cancelled talking about ourselves. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It was disgusting.

That's how I deal with stuff. I just take the piss out of it. But I think if there was other people that had gone through the same stuff, I don't know, I can imagine them being like, maybe it's the kind of thing of comparing trauma as well, where they're all kind of like, oh, you know, maybe hers wasn't as bad as mine. Oh, that's what I was totally like that.

But that's all what it is is comparing tragedies. My mom's distant. My mom's dead. Yeah. Yeah. What, too fucking shed. Anything to win. Top, top trubs.

Yeah, so what is our advice then? Our advice is, you're going to have to find a way to communicate with her. And I feel like the fact that you even ask this means that you are capable of doing that. which is an amazing thing. You could go like, that's not funny. Yeah. And then bring it on to something else. Yeah, like, heard that one before.

That will create animal. What I will say is someone who has been at school and knows that sometimes. Boring. Heard that one. Two stars. That's a hack. Fucking female comics.

Always talking about their eating disorder. Give it a fucking rest. What I will say is, it's, very easy to think, oh, I need to talk to this person about this thing, and then put it off, and then it comes out in, like, a moment of anger when you say it wrong, or you say it how you don't mean to, or you sort of have it. Remember when, like, you'd have something in your back pocket? You do it with like a partner or like, whatever, and you would just sort of like whip it out. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's totally. This is something which, if you can find it in yourself to not have it as that card. Oh, well, I don't know, but sometimes that's quite handy. Yes, it's amazing. and you can retrospectively reference it but communicate, talk to someone and recovery is a long journey. It really is.

I want to like, anyone who like has an eating disorder I just want to pick him up and be like, it fucking sucks, but we all have one. We're all together. Is the problem that that person's joking about it or is it because they're not good jokes?

Because maybe you can help them with their material. That's true. You know, talk it through rules are free. You know, why is that funny? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you do that? Like, if they won't stop joking about, make them get better. Yeah.

And you just go two stars. Yeah. Two stars. Do you think you're going to get on stand-up sketch show with that shit? No. Stand-up sketcher was the one. Could you imagine doing a stand-up schedule about? I know you've been on it.

I pitched it. I pitched it for both seasons I did. And both times they were like, we're not doing a bulimia skit, Helen. And I'm like, in the budget, it's nothing. Just a bit of veggie soup. Carrot and caryander. Was that your option? That was my option.

Mixed in with apple juice when it comes out of your mouth or when it's on the floor, you mash in a digestive biscuit into it to give it more texture. I hope that solved your problem, Vee. I feel like that has. Just lots of love and like it sucks. And also you will make other friends if it doesn't work out with these ones.

Yeah. I'm going to be ditching Alison and Poppy after this. We will move on, don't we? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to freeze you both out. How would you do it? I don't know. How would I freeze?

I'm not very, good at freezing people. I didn't want to bring this up, but Helena's been quite like industrial language about you before. Industrial. I don't know what it is, but I have done it. Oh, like, like, Poppy's like

a heavy goods vehicle. Oh, shit. That sort of stuff. I watched any language but industrial language. That's it for me. Poppy's like a factory. Four machines. Efficient. Efficient. Afficient.

Hand, hand, hand. I watched there. Poppy, Poppy is a pencil factory. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm trying to be machine. She's a,

she's a dildo factory. There's so many in her. Very droll. No, I like that. I like that. Yeah, that's good. We're working in the group. Before we freeze each other out.

Yeah. Okay, by the way, I'm pretty sure in modern day to free someone out, you start with the unfollow. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only ever done it once but it was someone who didn't like me either and we finished school

and we weren't at the same school together anymore so I was like we don't have to be Facebook friends like I can just like you can just let's just go our separate ways we never had like an actual argument I just we just we would know on the same page she's really mean to loads of people never took on me but she took on

but just unfollowed her and just good luck with your life yeah I wish you no ill now fuck off and fall in a well She still hasn't Oh I've let go of it Please please please plug yourselves I've never put an end to the absolute sick piss shit

mess of a show I've got a headache strain from like Is this a plug? Yeah new headache strain and bring it out Tiger balm Tiger balm Um Alison spittle tiger balm

I'm going to be tag about it. Where? You know what? I'm going to be tagging Alison and Poppy and everything about this. Just go follow them online. Just give you a handle.

So I'm Alison Spittle on Instagram and on Twitter I got a podcast called Weill and a Misfortune and another podcast called Alison Spittles show. Both fucking amazing. And an Edinburgh show coming out. Yeah. I've called it wet. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, because you, yeah. You're a wet. You can follow me on Instagram At Poppy Hill Stud And they've got a podcast New series of Poppy Hill Stud Coming out really soon When I finish it

When I do it Exciting guys But you've got like a whole season to listen to now So just like go for it Yeah there's free There's free series You've got three full series

What the fuck are you doing listening to this And subscribe from Trusty Hogg Subscribe What is the Mood We have this fortune done. Thank you so much for listening. This is the end of all of us.

Goodbye. Bye. Let's see those trigger warnings. How many? Thank you to our Patreon. Because we have to say thank you to our Patreon. You made our dreams come true. You honestly have been...

You allowed us to... Well, you allowed me to spend the money that we would have earned this month than hiring a psychic. Were you spent what now? Okay, yeah. I was just going to message it to Andrew. Um... Joyce?

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Lovegul. Did we not? Lee Myers-Colfe. Rachel R. Neil Redmond, Aiden McQueen and Carrig, Duke. You bunch of legends, thank you for producing our show. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. On the executive producers.

I always feel like I need to do something like a sexy voice for this. I know you should. Simon Moors, Guy Goodman, Janina Bautista and Mary Fogg. Oh my God, leave a condom in me. Leave a condom in there. Thank you so much. I loved it. Also, Simon Moore came to my Soho run.

Shut up. Yeah, and was like having a chat with the gorgeous people who came with him and they basically made the conclusion of the chat was that if both of our mothers had a podcast it would be better than our podcast how crazy insulting is that are you fucking kidding no it was like trusty hags and I hey oh actually right okay right come on I know well yeah I get it I get it in a dream world yeah but um they thank you for supporting this podcast until that podcast overtakes us truly Thank you.