Trusty Hogs - Ep25. Tarot Time

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

Something a little bit different for our quarter century, Helen has booked a psychic to come into the studio, and we discover what the future holds for our Hogs hosts...Penelope: www.spiritualevents.co.uk/psychics-for-hire/psychic-PenelopeThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa Dunkeld / Sonia HackettWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on Back to School. School Foods at Whole Foods Market. With so many options, why choose Arizona State University?

For me, the only online option was ASU because of the quality. Their faculty was really involved with their students and care about your personal journey. The dedication to my personal development from my professors, that's been extremely valuable to me. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university. Online. That's a degree better. Explore more than 350 plus undergraduate, graduate, and certificate programs at ASUonline.asu.org.edu. Episode 25 and Mummy's Home. I'm so nervous.

The rules are back in place. What rules? The chaos has been followed. I followed the rules. Are you serious? Are you crazy? Okay. Hello.

Welcome to episode 25 of Trustee Hoggs, the podcast where we help you solve your lives with the advice we offer based on the problems you send into us. And in the interim, we tell you about our perfect lives. Do I have a tone? Yeah, I have a tone. You're not even blinking. Why are you angry? Why are you starting this angry? I did not know that the podcast could get louder.

Oh, that's nasty. But it got louder. I'm delighted to be back. I'm delighted to have you back. Bringing some Zen. Also, can we talk about, I'm so distracted by how Norde I am about the podcast for the last two weeks that I can't even talk about how fit you look, which is outrageous because you've made an unbelievable effort for today's guest. It's so true.

If you're not watching on YouTube, I look, fucking slamming. Her eyeliner's where it's supposed to be. I have never put this effort into anything in my life before. Did you straighten all your hair? I used the compartment that you attached to your hair dryer that gets rid of flyaways. Like the back is

straight too. Not even, she didn't even just do the front. I watched it this morning. Oh my God, you do. And I had my nails done two weeks ago and I haven't played with them too much. They look great. Although that's very smart just to get like a modern French so at last. That's not, you cannot distract me with beauty stuff. My point is this. Helen, we need to have a debrief before this woman

comes in because I have to contain it. Shall I explain what's happening? I think that's for the best because I certainly can't explain what on earth is going on. Episode 25, this is supposed to be special, I think. It is special. Catherine has been busy with Tor. You also got COVID, so I've been in charge for the last two weeks. And I think we've all had a wonderful time.

Keep your opinions to yourself. Absolutely. I considered not watching without Catherine and it meant the world. Thank you so much. But did you see some of the reviews we got on iTunes? Oh, the ones that you told people to give us? I asked them to review it. Like, as a joke being like, oh, say Helen's amazing, but Catherine's just okay.

I have never been more in love with the hogs in my fucking life. But M tweeted are you on the Catherine Army or the Helen Army? And everyone either said, Catherine, or why don't we just make it one army? It was depressing how quickly someone responded being like, Catherine, obviously. Yeah, what are we doing here? I'm a good leader. You're a present. You know what?

This is what's great. We're going to get into it today. So Catherine was like, okay, episode 25, important episode. I was like, don't worry, I got it. And she was like, I'll book. And I was like, don't worry, I've got it. So I was like, which comedian should we have for episode 25? And then I thought, wait a second, it's episode 25.

We've got to twist it up. I went online. Oh, God. I found a psychic tarot reader. I gave her a call. You rang her on the telephone. We spoke on the phony. Did it charge five quid a minute?

No, why do you not respect this? Sorry. Was it like? Her name is Penelope. Oh, too. psychic line what was the number no i googled like psychics in london phenomenal phenomenal it's actually really difficult okay how do you not okay so if you're a psychic and you know that you're coming on this podcast you know that it's being filmed you know that it's being recorded you know

who you're reading for well me but i just said it was a podcast but here's my question she can google literally everything about us no she can't not our inner thoughts why are you like this Basically, I spoke to Penelope, who will be joining us soon. I'm just voicing the audience's concerns. I've recently listened to a lot of podcasts on mentalist scams and psychic scammers. And I just want to be clear that that is possible. So what we may be getting is a hot reading as opposed to a cold one. And I just want to be clear that while I'm certainly willing to go along with this.

You think she's a magician and she shuffled the cards in the right place so you get uptight. I am so sorry. I don't know where that came from actually. I'm also don't believe in magic. Do you believe in magic? Okay. Are you serious? That's what I'd say. Don't. That's a different conversation.

What I was trying to say was, Helen, this is absurd. However, I have decided to put my best dress on. It's from Malby. And then I decided, thank you so much. She's my favorite. She's just sweet. I had literally no facial expression for that. So I don't know why you're so impressed.

It's from Mulby. No, but she's a sweet lady in Liverpool and makes the dresses herself to order. And I just wanted to make sure that I said that it was my favorite dress. Oh, okay. Shout out to Marby. Shout out to female business women. Gee, do you want me to support Penelope, but you can't support Malby? Anyway, and so I've decided to put my best dress on, and I am for an hour going to just embrace this.

What I will say is I think we're not the fixed rate that I'm paying. Yeah. I didn't bargain. I was like, no, I respect your industry and your work. Okay, so that's a really different. I don't think for the amount of money, she would have done five hours of research on either of us. Okay, fair enough. Does that make sense?

Also, what I will say is, I think, the ultimate test, is the fact that you were actually running late today. Penelope knows this because I ran into her and I was like, I'm so sorry, Catherine's running late. So now she might think you're a late mess. Oh my God, I love that for us. Which is fascinating because you're not. You're the organized one and I'm the late hot mess.

But from her point of view, I'm the one that's in charge. I booked her. I organized all of this. And you're the one who's running so late and didn't even tell her your birthday. Oh my God, it's four minutes late and I text from the tube. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

You were late. So I think that's good. No. Yeah, we've skewed it, I guess. And M's excited. And also what I was trying to say was I actually would not be so disrespectful to a person when they were in the room that I wouldn't go along with it. So I'm going to see. I think you're going to be utterly charmed.

Do you know? That was. Okay. Did you hear that train on the, I hope they had that train on the podcast. The train was like, what up for psychers? But basically, so I spoke to her in the phone and she was like, I was like, oh, we would love a tarot reading. So I've had tarot before. I've never had tarot.

I lived with a pro dom in Berlin for a while on her floor. Pro dominatrix. Okay. She worked in a dungeon in New York. But she commuted from Berlin. And then she moved to Berlin. I was living on her floor.

It was like in leather. On basis classer. It was a great time. And she once gave me a tarot card reading. And I thought it was great. But she was high. I was a bit high. And it was a lot of things that she already knew about me.

I'd already started doing stand up and she was like, I feel like a really strong creative energy from you. And I was like, well, yeah, because we gig together last night. Yeah. Okay, so how about we just say We're both sober The only thing I've had today

Is a pastry and a coffee And this, I'm going to eat this mandarin I've had two peanut butter bagels And an egg and crust sandwich Wow, the girl It's one, it's breakfast and lunch I love it I love it

Are you running a marathon later? Actually, I do, I've got to go to the post office this afternoon Oh hell and I was just speaking From a jealous place That was just a hungry girl Being aggressive I'm sorry.

I love how you brought three satsumas with you though. Like it's going to help. Like I wouldn't have eaten before I arrived. Like, oh my God, maybe Helen was starving herself this morning. You know. It's just so, right, we've got so much to talk about. We have so much to say,

but we got into stuff. I want to hear about your tour and I also need to tell you about the zoo in Germany. Oh my God. And also you came to my show and I feel like we need to unpack that. And we also need to unpack how.

What? Because Emma Black nearly started crying because she felt so seen for the first time in her life. I know, we all love Emma Black. Also, we need to talk about how, I've had seven reviews and six of them are from white men over the age of 40 who are straight. It's fascinating. They love you.

And listen, I'm thrilled to hear it, but also like a comedy needs to do some work. Regardless, let's, let's get our, what are we getting fortunes, taro? Okay, don't be like this. Sorry. You know it's a tarot card reading with a bit of light facial mapping and a bit of palm reading to start with. Fascinating. I'm so excited. Let's welcome her in.

I'm certainly here. And eating my Satsuma. Let's go. Through the fog Step forth The trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems

And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe So we're really excited And I think our listeners are going to be interested in the programme I think let's be reasonable We should let Helen go first Because frankly she's so excited That you won't really be able to talk about me

Without interruption So shall we just No unless, wait Do you want to do one of us in particular first? The weird thing is There's huge similarities between you two I know you don't think it Oh my gosh

We don't think it But there's weird similarities Oh my gosh I'm fascinated already You're both fire signs which is amazing Yes we are Number one, number two, because you're the first fire sign. Thank you. And you're the second, because you're Leo.

When you say number one, number two, does that, is that like an alpha-beta thing? No, okay, great. What it is, it's in the astrological wheel. So we start with Aries. I knew that already, actually, Penelope. Thank you. I didn't. First sign of the Zodiac is Ares.

So that's the first fire sign. Like, Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac, which is my birthday. So we then go Ares and we work our way through. So this is the first sign. first fire sign, you're the second. Okay. This means impulsivity.

This means reckless. This means doesn't think through consequences. And it's very fiery at times, but also very loyal. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Five bad things and then one positive. Number two means equally fiery, very passionate, not quite as reckless,

not quite as impulsive, but you have those moments. Yeah. But as number two, You learn to rain it in when it matters. Probably when you were a child, you didn't. But now that you're slightly older, interesting.

You rein it in a bit better. Then the, so I just... No loyalty. No, no, no. All the five signs are very loyal. Okay, good. Too loyal, maybe. And also, when you fall for somebody,

like when you, when you fall for a partnership, both of you, you invest way too much. You never know when to walk away. Oh, you never know when to say, oh my gosh, this just isn't working for me. I just don't know that. Okay. I'm already loving this so much.

No, if you were wrong, I'd actually be more upset. It's at least this is like, yeah, that sounds right. It's hurtful, but it's true. It's not hurtful. It's a learning curve because if you know these things, hopefully you can rain the middle. I know, but she's already in her 30s, Penelope. Only just. Thank you, Penelope.

And frankly, Penelope looks younger than both of us. Maybe we should both stay out of the rain and pipe down. That's so true. It sounds like I've been divorced 22 years, you know, that house. Oh, wow. Do you think it's something useful about, like, having been married and gotten divorced? Or do you think you'd look as useful if you'd never gotten married? I think I'd look more useful if I'd never got married.

Right, okay, well. You know. Dead way, bye. This lovely Helen, your life path number is number three. Now, number three, it's about building a pyramid of power. Oh, my God, like a pyramid scheme. Like a pyramid scheme. So you have, you try and build a solid foundation, bearing in mind your impulsivity.

And you like to put yourself at the top of the pile So you like to look down and see where you're coming from But also you like to look down and see what you're achieving So you like to look back and think, okay, I'm moving forward I do that, I go through my old Instagram feeds There is an element with you and I don't think it's you But there's an element with people born under number three They can be quite ruthless

So they can have that me, myself and I mentality No, I think I do I think I do, I'm very like, I'm like fucking all the time Like me, me, me, me, me, me. And you're born in the year of the goat. Thank you. Okay. What does that mean?

It means I'm a goat. Like, imagine a goat, especially those little African ones that you see in the trees. They jump up in the trees. It is about making those great big strides forwards. You jump, you jump, you jump, you jump, you go up the face of this. But what happens when I fall? You don't fall. And they always land on their feet.

And I've got to point out that your lovely companion, here is the dragon. Oh, my God, the dragon. What does that mean? I think you're, are you 80. cut that pit out I was so excited I was like Year of the Dragon

okay what year am I I'll get equally excited Dragon I am you're born in the year of the dragon dragons are the mystical creatures of the world they wander through and they garnish around them people that admire them intensely but

I admire you the thing about being a dragon is goes to your fiery nature the thing about being a dragon is you're a mythical creature so people can build you up to what they want you to be rather than seeing the real you that's inside and dragons are very, very

competitive. Oh yeah. They're very, very sure footed. A bit like the goat. Yeah, yeah. So this is why you two complement each other so well. And dragons have an ability to get people to buy into their vision. So you could sell ice to the Eskimos

you know, and oil. I thought I was just Irish. And you've probably swallowed the Blarnie stone as well. Yeah. There's an element of that in there. Wait, what's following the Blarney's stone. Oh, it's like the gift of the gab. Oh, right, right, right. And dragons, they have this way of,

you exude this energy of effortlessness. But actually you're working very hard underneath the surface. Oh, my, yeah. Do you think it's that people put you on a pedestal or that you put yourself there? There's an element of both. Both, interesting.

Dragons can be, imagine who do you really admire in the world? Like, is it someone like Michelle Obama? Is it someone like Barbara, the goddess Streisand? Who is it that you really admire? I wish you would stop. Is it Helen? I mean, it would, as a goat who likes to look down on people,

I feel like this is an example of me being me. I guess it's like Ali Wong and like big female comics who've had Netflix specials and written films and... Right, okay. And also Helen. There we go. I guess it's people who have been successful in our field who... Okay, so you don't admire, so you wouldn't have, like, you wouldn't say, oh, Marie Curie or anything like that.

Didn't she kill herself of radiation? Yeah, but she did a lot of good before she killed. Yeah, I mean, I guess they're like female authors and. Like J.K. Rowland? No, no. We don't like her. We don't like her. We don't like her.

I have a red penelope. I mean, I guess I, yeah, I mean, it's a bad that I can think of, like, like, it's people who I admire purely for altruism, but like, I guess I admire people who do what they want authentically and successfully. Okay. So you said, do you put yourself on a pedestal or do other people put you on there? The thing about dragons is they have an idea in the back of the head of where they want to get to.

And it's not that they will step, it's not they're going to step on people ruthlessly, but they are very goal focused. very, very goal-focused. And all these things could come out. You could get all these different people talking to about all these different things and your focus will never change. Whereas you're slightly more impulsive.

If you see that there's something better on the horizon or somebody dangles something that you can see or you can feel. Shiny. It's like a bright shiny toy. You will go there. And whether it's good, bad or indifferent, you will grab hold of it.

And it's only when you've got it in your hand that you'll go, oh, maybe this isn't quite so good. Oh, my God. Oh, I can. do I get more like the dragon? That sounds great. No, no, no. It's just different character traits that you've got.

And I also noticed. Let's have a look. That's interesting. So we have spoken, like, personally between the two of us, I would drink before, about, like, us being both very ambitious and sort of like what that means to be ambitious, because, like, how ambition looks on a woman compared to a man is very different. Oh, I know. But we both are very ambitious.

But, like, it's seen as a negative thing sometimes. Like, what you're picking out is the ambition in both of us. Which is very good. And you, my lovely, the day that you're born is a number seven day. And that is the day of amazing opportunities. It's the day where if you're born on a number seven day, it is, it's like the blessed day. It's like the universal day of marvellousness. So being born on a-

Fucking yes! I'm fucking, I'm a marvelous goat. I feel like Helen sees the marvel in things anyway. Like, you only be like, both. You are very impulsive and you say exactly what comes out of your mouth. else. But that's also part of being a goat. But I also, but this being born on number seven days amazing because it means that the opportunities that you do grasp and the pathway that you do follow just by the dint of hard work, you're going to make it work. If

it doesn't fall randomly in your hand, you will make sure that you grab it. And if you see that it's marvellous, you will not let it go. You, my lovely, Catherine, number three day. So it is all about building your pyramid of power. Yeah. And those two numbers because they're both prime numbers they complement each other so you're both you know three is a magic number seven is also a magic number thank you it's those numbers where and it's not about being selfish and I don't want anyone to think that it's about being selfish it's about being self-focused self-motivated yeah self-reliant you've both got like eons of self-reliance going through the middle

of you yeah we do we fucking do we don't need anyone apart from each other and like billions of friends to tell us for fun and fans so many fans please yeah and and the listeners yeah yeah So you've both got those things that balance each other out, but the most startling thing is, because there's only a couple of years between you, the differences are what pulls you two together, and the difference is what makes a partnership work.

Whether it works for 50 years, five years, whatever it is, in that time of it being a partnership, it's like the layers balance each other. So it's like looking at a piece of rock, and each layer on top of each other is bonded together. So there's going to be loyalty there. Oh, look, you've got satsumas. Do you like that, let's remember that, let me?

No. Why's your Christmas? They probably used them since Christmas, isn't it? No, I brought them today. And well, I'm healthy eating. My gosh, thank you. Yeah. So the, so those are the things that compliment.

And then I will look at your palms and I'll do your tarot. Oh my God. This is great. I feel like, I don't really think of myself as self-reliant. So it's nice to hear that we are. Which is weird because actually like factually I am, but I don't really think of myself as that I feel like I care too much with other people. But that's not being self-reliant.

That's just sort of being like self-aware. isn't it? We all care what people think about us because we're in an interview where we're constantly judged but like that's something that eases with age also it's good to care what people think a bit yeah I care too little it's a problem that is true no you should actively care more amount of times I'm like picking spots on a train

and I'm like that's not good or even just like yeah talking yeah yeah when Penelope's here to do her job and she just wants to see your palm okay right okay who would you like it's between you two I need both I need both So you to pick who wants to go first. I mean, I'm first in the zodiac. So I feel.

Which we've established is not an alpha position, but rather actually makes me more impulsive. Right, let's have a look. Oh, let me put the mic for you there. Okay, hands. Now, let's remember the left hand. So this one, it always denotes your past. Oh, sorry about that cut there.

I was trying to cut a bagel and I stabbed myself. So you weren't splitting your wrists. No, not this time. What a reading that would be. You seem down. Just a massive gash across. It's just a food industry, just a food. I was trying to cut a bagel fast.

It wasn't frozen, was it? No, I was just, I was just hungry and I just went a bit. You should buy the ones that are pre-cut. So left hand denotes what? Your past. And then your right hand denotes where you are now, moving you forward. Wait a second.

That has ink on it from a gig I did last night in the past. No bath? No shower? I've showered. I just don't. I love Penelope. Oh, have you thought about washing before you make me hold your hand? Okay.

Let's have a look. Okay. Do you feel exposed? I kind of just need to hear the word marvelous. Every five seconds or off, I'm panic. You will think of any day as marvelous. You've got really interesting palms. Ooh.

You love that. See, I'm going to, the thing about having a reading, and you can cut this however you want it. Oh, the thing about having a reading is stuff, people's past always floats to the surface, it always comes to the top. And you've sat there and you just said, I don't care what people think.

Actually, you really do. You're way more sensitive than people give you credit for. And I think when you were younger, that would have been a massive issue for you. And I think you would have been the girl that everybody went, oh my gosh, she's always so funny. But inside, it wasn't nearly that fun being you when you were younger. And I think it wasn't until you're about 15, 16,

that suddenly you thought, I just don't care anymore. this is about me and I know what I want and I don't really want to deal with other people's judgmental calls. You've also got what I would call quite a close-knit family or like supportive thingy underneath the surface.

And I mean you could walk on the moon or you could work any way you wanted and they'd be fine with it. Why do I get, I've lowered the mood now. No, I think what you're saying is actually something that it's good for people to hear about Helen because I think Helen's one of my most emotionally articulate

and capable friends but if you if I say that to people they're like sure and I'm like no no genuinely if I was down to choose who I'd call and I have to say you've got lots of what I call you gather people so people that like you they love you forever and you can't get rid of them and how hard you do that was nearly sweet we cling we cling even if you feel that you have exhausted that friendship, the kindness in you will keep them within your life. This is objectively correct. Oh, yeah. Well, we're about thinking of a specific person.

We know who we're talking about that. But going way back with you, you must have been the little girl at nursery that would share their toys, the little girl at nursery that put somebody in front of you. I don't remember. No, you won't remember. Your mother will go, oh, this is her, this is how she wants. I think there are difficult phases in your, in your growing up. And, you know, you're a mere babe now.

I mean, you're not even 30 yet. that you're very young. I've actually turned 30. Have you? Yeah, I'll be 31 at the end of the month. Oh yes, 31, yes. I'm growing up. Don't worry.

She looks young. You look very young. You both look incredibly young. Penelope, you can say. I'm actually sweating. Okay, it'll get rid of the ink. You need to look after yourself a little bit better than you do. You need to, I mean, I don't drink.

Oh way, you can tell from her hands. Too much wine? Is it wine? Is it wine? Wine hand. Or is everything else and wine? I mean, I smoke. I know I did see that outside, but that's okay.

Okay. That's okay. We can, but I guess there's something in your past as well as your now where I'm wondering if the fact that you, there are certain things that you want to forget and that you like to forget and that you like to step away from. And I'm wondering whether your slight excessive alcohol may have something to do with it at times. I mean, that's why we all drink too much. The reason that I, when I said it when I'm looking at your right hand, is the big wine stain on it? No, not the big. You've got a lovely long lifeline.

You've got an amazing career path ahead of you. There are a few pit stops in there. So you get to a point then you platter. You get to a point then you plateau. But that is the best way to be. That's fine. I can travel in the platter, yeah. But I look at the healthy side, the body, the whole body thing.

Oh, yeah. And I'm thinking if you don't slow things down a bit, that means better sleeping, better eating, better looking after yourself, taking nutrition a little bit more seriously, if you must. You are quite prone. And the reason that I said, do you drink too much? I didn't say it that way, but I could have said, do you drink too much? It's because your liver is highlighted. And I wonder, and every time I see that, I think, oh, is it because they drink too much? I don't know what else happens with the liver.

I don't know what else, you know, all I need is people turn yellow. Take care of your liver. Okay, I don't know what that is. Google liver and then take it from there. Is this that water thing again about having to drink water? Do you not drink water? I do sometimes. I just really like orange squash and right, you know.

With water. Yeah. Like weak. Well, it's like a 50-50 split. Half a half a half. What's in the Capri Sun? Not a lot that's good for you. No, I actually, okay, yeah, I understand that.

It's about, you know, I think it's like kidneys is water and stuff, isn't it? You know, drinking water or that kind of thing. I think. me it's more food than alcohol i feel that's what anyone with like who drinks a lot of alcohol would say but i definitely like i will eat food that i know will make me feel sick and really bad and repeatedly do it and then feel like really like and gross about myself yeah that's like that's what i'd say is what like the pan that i have with that well maybe when you've got a few minutes five minutes 10 minutes have a look at oh sorry microphone have a look at healthy things

yeah the liver because it is and that's why we do your chinese astrology as well people that goats, they do suffer a lot with their sort of that bit. Oh, like internal. Yeah, internal tummy issues. Interesting. So you find a lot of people that have crones will be, will have that kind of element. Oh, really? Yeah. Can you, can you remind me at the end of this? I will. I will. I will. I will. I've got something about my liver. I really like advice that's like, add healthy things rather than like so people are so quick to be like deprive of this, but to be like, I know, what's good for your liver? What can you add? And it's like, it's, I think it's good to frame like you did which is like giving yourself care rather than like punishing yourself

because I actually do think it's more about I think you care you spend an awful lot of time caring for other people I don't think that's your kind of caring nature oh no like yourself like yourself I cannot get you down from a tree but when you're up there you're only ever looking after other people to be in the tree bleating and helping myself okay well stop talking do have her That's what I want to say. Okay. Can you please do a dramatic pause and you go like, oh, when you look into a past, so it's not just me. It won't be.

There's no way. I'm Irish. There's so much trauma. Don't worry. Don't you worry. You've got an incredibly long lifeline. Well, you'll be here at 104. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, God. That's a long friendship for me. That won't be able to let go of. You'll be drinking too much just to get out of it. Don't want I had a long lifeline, too. can be around together. You both have nice on lifelines. Good.

You both have nice of lifelines. Good. That's reassuring. Up by side for me. There's a marked difference between the pair of you. If you photocop your palms, you don't have to do it now,

but you know, in this large office, if you were to photocopier your palms, you would notice a huge amount of similarities within your hands. That's interesting. Yours are very different. And the thing that where people have similarities within their palms

is that it's very ingrained character traits. There's all, sometimes there's a lot of guilt in there. You know, people, oh, I feel guilty about living. I think, you know, sometimes it's the fact that they've had a difficult pass that they can't let go of. Sometimes it's the fact they've got very, very, very strong character traits. And they can be quite difficult to get to move part. I'm destined to repeat my. Well, I was about to say on an emotional level, you have an ability to repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat the same kind of relationship over and over again with different people.

Yes, they look different. They've got different jobs. They've got different hair colors. They've got different outlooks on life. But they're exactly the same underneath. You have that capacity. I'm just saying, just like, I don't say anything else. No, it's true.

My therapist is like, they said the exact same. It's like, you consider it not just mothering every partner? You've also got in your moving forwards palm and you'll have to photocopy to see this. You've got like a, what we call it, we call it a Saturn Square, which is here. So you've got all, there's four lines that make a square in your palm. Okay. And it's literally here. And that is someone.

who is always about wanting to build a foundation, wanting to feel secure, wanting to feel safe, wanting to have the nice home with the garden and the cats and the ducks and the dogs and a partner and whatever. And it's, it's, I love that. Can you see ducks in her? Hey, get off my Pam ducks, okay?

I want my ducks. Oh yeah, Catherine's got four ducks. Yeah, in a nice, neat square row. Oh, the past is intriguing because they're, There's, you know, for me, comedy is always about what's happening in the moment. So it's about pulling on the world today, whether it's political, whether it's whatever. And it's about being bold and brazen at times and saying what you feel is truthful that's going to make people laugh and get them to see your point of view.

When I look at your past, there's this line that goes through the middle of feeling pulled in two different directions, as though this is the path that everybody wants me to go down, but this is the path that I intend to go down. and there does still feel a bit of a pull between it. It's largely gone as we move you forward, but I feel that. I also feel that you would have been the kind of girl that's called her. Oh, she's so marvellous, and she said good. She said this, she said that.

But you've got a really wicked sense of humour. Thanks. But wicked as in, you can be quite... Oh, I can actively be meeting, yeah, yeah. I love for your pontiffs. I didn't know next to the dark's bitch it's true it's true

if somebody really undermines you it's not even about them being awful if they undermine you and if they do something that you believe is intrinsically dishonest you will go after them

like a laser focused missile until you blow them out of the water and you prove that everybody else that actually what you thought and what you believed was right you don't do it often. I think you've probably done it about twice or three times in your life.

It's not something that you do very often, but you do have that capacity. You don't. You let things go. Oh, let me know when you're next going to do it, though. I want to watch this. Yeah, that's interesting. Okay.

Someone likes to be right. When I am, I like, everyone else to know about it. Just so we're all clear. Moving you forward, plateau up plateau up yeah you've got more of a steady but consistent incline for moving your life forwards and I think it's because you can be a really good people person so you'll be listening to a conversation and it'll be blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and there'll be one thing in that conversation that you'll hear and that's enough to push you forward that's

enough you'll hang on to it you'll remember it and six weeks down the track you'll say oh yes somebody said that and that will make something move for you. So there's more of a reflective energy in using an impulsive energy. Yeah. Especially where your work, direction, stability career is concerned. Your personal life is a different story. You can be very impulsive with your personal life.

You can be very it's not misguided because when you fall for somebody you fall like a stone and it's oh god she does. Marvelous. You know and within six weeks you're imagining you know being together. Well the ducks yeah and even when you see the fraying on the outside and you feel that things are beginning to disappear you see it but you don't see it you see it and on a mental level you know it but on

the heart level you won't let it go you can be quite you can just step away but you do care very deeply about people but you step away for self-preservation whereas you hang in thinking it's going to why do i have no self-preservation oh i think you do I think you do, because when you reach your point of no return, that's it you're done. But I have more is what you're saying. I'm saying you're just more immediate. But what you're saying is like, dignity wise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

On our palms, I would be the dignified one at the table. You have dignity and I have duck. You both have dignity. You both could have ducks. No, no. But you go about things differently, even though you're very similar. And people that know you probably think that you are poles apart. But your actual basic makeup is very, very similar.

You're very focused. You're very together. You're very career-driven. You're very emotional. You're both very emotional. We're good and we're crying with end emails. You're both very focused on what it is you want and why you want it. The differences are smaller than the compatibility.

So the differences between you are less than the things that are similar. Are you serious? She's a dragon and I'm a go. Yeah, but you're both kind of drama. Queen. She could eat you. We're both the drama queens. That's true. I also, I do also think we're like empathic. Was waiting for affirmation there. Penelope. I just go like, it didn't you don't think. I was waiting for, I was waiting for hell and say I think yes, we're both empathetic. I think we are. I think you pretend you're not, but you are. You're

very sensitive. I think that's a self-preservation thing, but I think that goes back to when she's way younger. You had a much easier ride when you were younger than she did, but only until you were about 15 and then things were a bit ooh and it kind of came together at 25. You had a much more difficult time. But then at 15 I was going to be. Then at 15 you thought, that's it, I'm done. You know, and you kind of worked your way through. I moved out when I was 16.

Did you? Yeah. My daughter's still at home with me. She's 28. Oh my God, Penelaby. Get her out. No. She got married last year, so I've got her aunt's her husband.

Oh my God, I thought she was filling me at home, but he was somewhere else. That's actually very accurate. I mean, I had a very easy childhood and then came out and things were different than, and then by the time I was 25. Is that because you're in Ireland or just generally speaking? I think it's because I was in Ireland. I think it's because of lots of factors, my education, my school, my family,

convent, of course a convent. Sister Mary Joseph. Easy, exactly. My God, your accent's exactly the same as Helen. It's not exactly why. Wow. I am concerned about the, repetition that's something that you can work on yeah but it has to be an active thought

yeah it has you don't want to be one of these people that never trusts again you don't want to be one of these people that never give somebody a chance hello but I could do it trusting the second somebody shows any interest in me well I would say it's more about when you see the when you see things fraying on the outside you don't dig your heels in and want to prove everyone wrong so that you just stick in something that isn't working and is not making you happy because happiness is key in the world and if you're not happy on a personal level

then you can't be happy on a work level and you can mask it and you can pretend to be happy and do your gigs and everyone thinks oh my gosh you've been the best time but when you go home that unhappiness will eat away at your ability to progress and with you

your ability to pretend that you don't care when you really do care that's something else that you know that can eat away at you and everybody in the world is different everybody has a different viewpoint not everyone's gonna like both of you all the time that's crazy you are quite marmite actually wow i think that we're both universally loved so i don't know where that came i have said we were the netella of people that's crazy to me natella without palm oil

but even more love yeah or like or butter we're not we definitely are like i mean no we're I mean, every night we go on stage and I see like five guys looking at me like, fuck off. No, we are the marmite, for sure. But your marmite for different reasons. Your marmite because you appear to really not care, whereas you really do. And you are because you care so much sometimes. But it's about different things. You know, it's work, direction, stability, career.

Neither one of you should worry, actually, because your pathways are quite clearly. But what about our love lives? How are she going to get these fucking ducks? Well, you have to make different choices. And it's about, and the thing is everybody's got a type. everybody's got a certain kind of person they go for yeah I like people who don't like me back so I can fulfil my tragic narrative

for being rejected well so do you chase after them like in your car if you drive no I don't drive you must learn I'm learning thank you Benelope thank you are you learning to drive in London I'm learning to drive in London manual so I'm very proud of myself because I learnt to drive in London

before there was traffic lights at High Park Corner Marble Arch age me yeah and the thing about learning to drive in London you can drive anywhere Whereas if you went to Seven Oaks or like Watford or Cumbria. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. No, never learned to try.

No, no, thank you. I mean, I'd pass easily, but I'd end myself. I feel like, we're both going to have lovely careers and nice long lives if I sort my liver out. Yes. Yeah, if I sought and take care of myself, which I will. You will. Broccoli is good, apparently.

Shut up, I bought broccoli this morning. Oh my God. I love broccoli. What the fuck just happened? I was going to put it with, like, Philadelphia. I've got like a 500 gram. of garlic, carb and cheese, cream. And then I was going to put that with pasta.

Or just some paprika and then pop it in the oven? Are you not a vegetarian then? No. Roasted broccoli is really good for you. I love roasted broccoli with paprika, smoked paprika. That olive oil on it too. Yeah, you could give a little bit of oil. That's good for the heart.

Yeah. Yeah. What's wrong on my heart? Nothing. We didn't say the heart before. This is very insightful. Thank you, Vanilla. It's absolutely my pleasure.

Oh, is it tarot time? It's tarot time. Oh, my gosh. I already feel like I've learned too much about myself. No, I feel like it's stuff that like... I don't know that I want to be the self-aware. I quite like not knowing myself. I'm like, my child had came up.

It always does. And that's why I said to you before I came, I said, you know, it's great sometimes to feel to cut these things and put them back together again because you don't want to expose your inner soul to everybody. No, I don't know, yeah.

We'll figure it out afterwards. What are you talking about? You do that every single day for money. What are you talking about? oh no we don't want to but if we can put enough narrative arc on it we will 20 quid a ticket you're on just lashing out because you genuinely believe now you're going to have a nice site like house and ducks and a partner oh no all penelbu said was that I want those things but if I want to actually achieve them I'll have to make fundamentally different and my palms say

not change but I'll try no change hairbands your palms don't say no change they say you've got to actively make different choices and we all have to do that We all, as every day, we have to make different choices. So what's right on a Monday, it's recognised that it might not be right the following Monday, rather than hanging on to something that you convince yourself you wanted on a Monday. Yeah, and she doesn't let go. I let go. She doesn't let go.

I do not let go. But I think when you let go, you're just, there's nothing left. You can look back and have nice memories, but you don't have that emotional heart pull. I think you could have it for a while. I think you could have it for a while. But when you make, when you're, you can be quite, I was going to say pig-headed, but I was going to say bloody minded but you're done you're done

whereas I'm like I don't know what bloody minded means does that mean like it means if you put an idea in your head and you think this is what I'm going to do this is the right thing for me to do you'll stick to it even if your heart's going oh that's true

yeah yeah yeah like the time I told the guy that I was in love with when he said he didn't love me back but I was going to move to Germany so you just moved I stayed for two and a half years just to prove a point I did in the end but I really forced myself to

yeah Germany is not a place that I've ever been I think I've gone to go oh you've got to go wow Does she? Do I? What do the cards say?

Let's find out. There's other places I prefer to go. Wow. Yeah. Not like Berlin or Munich. It looks a bit grey in the photos. It is grey. It's very brutalist.

I like to go where there's like sun. Yeah. They've got sea in Germany. Did they? The East sea at the top. Oh, you might but it's freezing up there. It's not like going to the Champrepe or going to the amount of space. Well, no, it's not like going to be mouth closed.

I think those sounds lovely. Do that instead. That sounds way better than Germany. I've got two packs. Okay. They are exactly the same as each other. You can both have the same pack. You can have different packs.

I want you to look at them and you can handle them. You can fling them about the room, but you've got to pick them up. Okay. And you've got to decide which pile you feel is going to work best for you. So take your time, ladies. Okay. Ooh. Should I flip that one?

You can flip it. That makes me nervous, but I saw it. I literally was just shuffling through it if anyone who's not watching on YouTube and I saw a sword. Absolutely panicked. I am. I want to touch your pile now.

Interesting. I want this pile. I think I do too. Although my instinct says I should make a different choice now. No, no, no. Okay. No, never go against your instincts. Okay, okay.

I say that. Right. So who's going first? I'll go first. Shuffle away. Okay. It's like being a dealer, isn't it? It is.

It's exciting. I'm excited. I'm going to take a picture of this closer. I'm going to take a picture of it as well. So our listeners can see. It'll be a moment. I think it will be. I think our listeners are going to love this.

Do you think? Yeah, I think. I also worry that it's the most self-indulgent thing I've ever done. Like, hey, it's episode 25. Do you want to listen to us at our parricard bread? We have a podcast. We have a, we're comedians. I just,

we take breaks from telling our story on stage to tell our story on a podcast that would be interesting for people people who are struggling with stuff people that want to know what makes you guys tick why they appreciate you this will give them the insight also I'll be honest I would not have done this I do not organized it

and I feel like I learned something about myself so maybe I'll make people a bit more open-minded yeah maybe you could just fucking start letting go or shit you know stop repeating the same bloody wow the judgment from the trees is real I'm only lushing out because I've been saying I can tell

I want to get in my tree Oh your saved little tree Pick me one of those packs So look at the pack Don't just look at the top card Look at the pack and think This is the pile that I want So for the benefit of the listener

Peneliefer's split the pack into three And Catherine chose the middle pile Can I tell you why? Why? There were the most cards in it And I wanted the most opportunity Apparently I didn't want a small pile limiting my life

See, I'm, oh, my God. Okay, the card pulled out is death. It's a skeleton riding a horse and it just says death. Yes, it's a skeleton riding on. That is, why that, um. Oh, my God. Pentacles, the star. Okay, the star feels good.

Oh, the devil. The devil. I'm doing it up this way so that you can see what's going on. You know, and I'd also like detract from the death as quickly as possible. That makes sense, yeah. Judgment. Judgment, that's me. One.

Ones? Once again. Once again. Cups. Queen. Okay. I don't know what a pentacle is. Okay. Okay. Well, I feel like Catherine is gonna die. No, I have a very long life. Yeah, well. It's just that when I'm convincing other people that someone is bad, I might kill them, apparently.

Let's hear. Why do we listen to the actual expert? The death card doesn't mean death. The death card means the end of a chapter. chapter it means closure it means letting stuff go and it means on a very seminal level so really in the in the the bottom of everything that you hold dear you cut away the bits that aren't working for you that's what it means now when I spoke to Helen on the telephone last week I said it's always

good to have an idea of what you want to look at for you guys I'm just doing career at this point in time there is some emotional stuff in your chart but you know we're looking at work directions through to create and where you'll go We can do emotional stuff when we're, like, more comfortable. I like cutting off things that aren't working for you. That's interesting. We call this line down the middle, your lifeline. So this is the life path that you're going on right now.

This is the top and this is the bottom. Death is at the end, Helen. I know, but you've also got the devil and the magician in that. Like, is Catherine going to go through a magic phase instead? She has three really important cards all on her life path. And at the top, I don't think we all have to look at that. At the top, you've got the two of cups. And this is about emotional happiness and emotional prosperity.

This is about relationships. We could call it engagement, marriage, whatever you want to call it. This is about somebody wanting to make a commitment, wanting to step forward and wanting to bring happiness into your life. And this must be what's, yes, career, work direction, but this must be the thing that is of most important to you as you go through the next two or three years. It's that sense of wanting to belong. It's that sense of wanting to achieve within the emotional side of your life. the work will look after itself this is the bit that you need to work on

and this is the bit that's coming your way as we go down the lifeline we have got the magician we've got the devil the star okay so we're going to do these three first and we call these the major arcana so these are picture cards they're like you know like the king

the queen the jack in a pack of cards that's the major arcana and they are very powerful cards they're cards that bring a different energy with them and a different story the magician is you can juggle anything you can handle anything you can handle anything you can have five six seven eight ten things on the go at once

and you won't drop a ball the magician is again about prosperity it's about fulfilling your dreams and ambitions so wherever your next stage is whatever you feel your next step up is going to be that's literally within touching distance for you at this point in time the devil i want to believe that's true so badly you don't think you can juggle lots of things no i want to believe that it's in touching distance that's really exciting is it yeah okay good devil talk to me about the devil The devil is about two sides of your personality, the good versus the, okay, let's call it two little voices, the positive voice and the negative voice. Yeah. The devil is more of your ability to push away the stuff that's negative. The devil for you is about being truthful to yourself. So it's about not deluding yourself, not telling you a story or a narrative that you think you want to hear.

It's about taking all of that away and actually being. quite blunt with yourself and saying, okay, this is where I'm at, this is what I want, this is the direction I want to go in, and sticking to it, and having the ability to be really, not brutal, but honest with the direction that you're going on. Okay. The star is about long-held dreams, long-held ambitions, long-held wants and desires. All of these three are work-related. So I have not a care, not a worry, not a, there's nothing in your next six months to a year

that makes me feel that there's anything negative happening with your career, if anything you're going to go from strength to strengths. Oh my God, it's crazy how we're not going to be friends and I'm famous. That's amazing. Yeah, but you've only got six months of that, like in the month seven, you're going to be calling the goat back up.

Oh, come on, ladies. Thank you. Sorry, Penelope. Pentacles is about, how can I put this? You've got the nine of pentacles, and it is about nine is a good number. Okay, it's a nice balance number.

But the pentacles is more about the practicalities. So not getting swept away on the excitement, the change, the fact that everything's sloshing into place. This is more about keeping the actual mechanics of your life well balanced. So where you've got growth, direction, stability, career, all of that is fabulous over the next six months to a year. There's nothing to hold you back. You're going to achieve, and I would say some long-held goals that you've had. So whether you wanted to appear at X, Y, Z, whether you wanted to work with whoever, those opportunities are going to come your way. This is about being grounded.

This is about not letting that overpower everything else and keeping that nice foundation that you've managed to achieve for yourself. Okay, maybe we should stay friends. That was literally an immediate humbling for you. Yeah, it really was. I'm also really excited about what you're going to do. I know, right? It's crazy.

It's over the next six months. So the gut instinct that I've got, when I look at this, I feel there's stuff bubbling under the surface already. I feel that there are either conversations being had or discussions being had where you're kind of on the periphery, and that's good. That's exciting.

It's going to get closer and closer. now this side is your left side is it not and this side is your right side yeah this looks at your past okay a lot of ones and judgment a lot of ones and judgment I think that you've had some very introspective moments I think you've had some times in your life where you've really looked within to figure out what makes you tick and why it makes you tick and I think that's been a really useful journey ones are always about communication it's about talking discussing opening up with people. Not easy for you, I have to say, but you've managed to achieve it.

Yes, I think it's made people look at you in a slightly different way. It's made you look at yourself in a slightly different way as well. And I think it's made you aware that even if the world isn't like a Coca-Cola ad and everybody loves you enormously, being truthful with yourself is much more important than towing the line for what other people want. And that is a character trait that not everybody has, that ability to be self-fellate. reflective and introspective about what makes you tick that's a marvellous character trait to have

moving you forwards and we like what we've got here yes more discussions more communication more ability to liaise with people and get them to see your vision is indicated you've got the queen of pentacles now this means that you're really tough on yourself you give yourself a difficult journey through life you could be a little bit more accepting of your flaws agreed feeling nobody is perfect

apart from the Dalai Lama. I mean, he could be perfect. But apart from that, nobody is perfect. Everybody makes errors of judgment and we have to learn to let them go. And the thing about the queen of... You could be savagely punishing yourself

for them instead. You could be. Everyone's going to have a hobby. You could love it, guys. Everyone needs a hobby. Nothing's perfect and you do so well and you're so good at so many things. But savagely punishing yourself endlessly

is only going to... Because that's in your past, right, Penelope? Exactly. It's going to nibble away at your confidence moving forward and when good stuff comes towards you that feeling of not even self-doubt but that feeling of evaluating re-evaluating re-evaluating thinking contemplating weighing up the pros and cons and then going back and doing it over and over and over again it's going to take away that impulsivity and it's going to take away the fact that your gut instinct is telling you

to do something yeah so that's what you must try and avoid and then here what have we got here cups and what numbers on there six these two cards go together so the six of cups and the two of cups they're both engagement marriage relationship cards i think you're going to meet your next person through work i think you're going to meet your next person i think you're going to meet your next person um and they're going to be so different to anything that you've ever had before that i have a feeling that your automatic reaction is to step back and go oh no that's not for me actually it is interesting it is it is it's not going to be a man is that penelope that would be completely up to you i mean i think that any

Anybody can love anybody wherever they're at. But if you don't wanna date a man, then don't date a man. Okay. And when I say different, I'm not talking gender, I'm talking different character trait. Interesting. Different, I mean, I've only ever dated people

that are over six foot two. As a rule. I all love that for you. And I'm not willing to change. Open your heart, open your mind, only over six foot two. Yeah. That is my favorite fact about Penelope.

And for me to go up with somebody five, four, eight, I'd be a bit, oh, it's not going to lower your standards physically, no. And that's the same with you. So if you have a type, like brunettes, blondes, tall, short, people in the business, people that aren't in the business, whatever your normal pattern of behaviour is, this person is different. Interesting. So, and it's about trusting that just because they're an accountant, just because they, I don't know, work for ICI, just because they're a biotech scientist, just because they're a biotech scientist, just because they're, whatever I'm sick of scientists I would love it if you met a biotech scientist at work I'm sure you get this coming to your shows yeah a bit of like entertainment a bit of insight into the world that isn't all number crunching oh good oh I thought you meant through

I will say this I've literally always turned then any interest from like anyone who's ever watched me do comedy really mm because you think you've given away too much within your routine and also yeah also I just think it's like I think I think I've thought like oh you like someone who I'm not you know what I mean it's more it's less like giving away too much and more like oh I think you think I'm more fun than I am I'm actually a rail downer

you have all comedians anybody that does anything to do with comedy they are not a laugh a minute kind of person most of them are very introspective most of them are quite shy true because Helen is so shy true very nervous and it's all about showing who you could be rather than who you are

because nobody gets on stage whether they're an actor or a dancer or singer a comedian nobody gets on stage and shows the real them so when you're watching Brad Pitt on the TV or when you're watching Gwyneth Paltrow that's not them yeah it's their character

and you've all got a character when you're on stage also I think I went out with that guy that was a big fan the one that left the condom in me and I think you'd remember Alan and I think I thought of put you off as a kid need this you don't work

okay I just got out really fast That's an interesting way to think about it as a gift As a gift Oh was it a gift It was a gift Oh my God I did not say thank you I did not thank him

Well now who's room Oh dear me Mounted it put it on the mantel piece And a nice frame under the mirror Oh that's on me Yeah The guilt is he too Oh it's killing me

Weirdly I've already let go of it though I like to hear I'm now going to ask you to It's all right This has got two months On each side Okay and I want you to throw work because I've got my own ideas, but only because I want to see when I feel this year,

and we're talking astrological year, okay, we're wrapping up Pisces and we're going into Ares very soon and Aries, as you know, is the first sign of the zodiac. So I work, although I live in a real world where, you know, December is the end of the year, when I'm doing this, we work in the astrological wheel. So we're looking at the forward planning year. I wouldn't normally do this except that we're on the brink of a new astrological year. Okay. I'll throw the dice. Okay, I'm excited. End of the year for you.

End of the year, November, December. That's when you're going to feel that all your little pieces are coming together. So all the little strings and the little bits that you put into place, you're pulling it together to make a nice, well-wrapped gift for yourself. Oh, that is so you to wrap it up for Christmas.

That is such a you move. It's so interesting. You said to me last year, do you remember saying this to me in December, you were like, yeah, but you're stressing yourself out because remember, like, just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you,

actually have to enforce this rule to wrap everything out before Christmas and I looked at you like why would they make a calendar it wasn't for us to make rules about Helen you've got to finish all your projects by the end of the year lovely that's very good to know it's very on brand it is brand yeah yeah are you bit of a Christmas fan I am obsessed I mean yeah like it's cool or whatever yeah yeah I always find it just called people you know I love Christmas I don't like New Year but I love Christmas correct um I always feel like that people have this thing, I must do this by the end of the year, by January the 1st, it's got to be done.

But actually, it makes way more sense to do it astrologically, because all the energies that you go through, and Pisces is the 12th sign, and that's the time of... Oh my God, that means you've got like, literally like a week to wrap everything up. Oh my God, why would you be that to be? Is it till March 23rd? Does Aries start? Much 21st?

First. Yeah, you're fucked. You've got literally... Like, you've got to do it right now. No, but we're moving to the end of the year. So, you know, you need to get all that stuff moving you need to have a nice plan of action not too many notes not too many plans not too many jostas but things written on you know not too many post-it notes you've got a whiteboard too have you got whiteboard I like to plan Helen do I come

to your house and then report to baby no you don't like coming over no I don't because I don't like other people's faces but okay okay I'll call it with the notes I let things be a little bit more organic so because if you're living in the moment and you're enjoying that experience, it will tip you into the next experience a lot more easily. So every little bit will plan and roll. You don't have to have like a military precision.

I need this done by March, I need this on by April. Okay, your taxes, yes, but everything else now. Yeah, okay. And I have a very good accountant, so he'll sort of do it. Do you not do your own? What if I got to prison, Penelope? What if I get it wrong? I'll visit her. As if you'd get it wrong. Oh, isn't, I wouldn't, but that's not the point. The fear

of it, I couldn't be living with it. Just really quickly, do you think I could do my own taxes. You forget too much. You have the best guy, Chris, he's lovely, and he says I'm in his top five clients for getting done on time. I told you, I got an accountant, her name's Jemma.

Okay, well, blah. Gemma. I can imagine you have, like, receipts in your pocket from like three years ago. Well, like, there's an app, you can just take the photo or the receipt. Yeah, I've heard about this app. Yeah.

Yeah, but I've got my Pokemon, I've got Pokemon Go and it takes a lot of space on my phone. Of course it does. Yeah. Much more important than your taxes. Yeah. I've got all

151 in the canto region. You're a horrifying. Thank you, Benelby. I feel, I'm hoping you feel a bit encouraged. I do feel encouraged. You really should. I know, I feel, yeah, I do feel encouraged. I also love as a friend of Catherine

is listening to you be like, you've got this, you're good. Like, stop, like, holding onto things. And I don't think that you can't change things. You've got the whole world as your oyster and all these things are coming together. And it is. Like, I know your thing is, like coming up in the next six months. It is.

I feel like things are coming together. then now for you. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Like, I'm just excited like this discussion's happening about you right now.

Thank you. Unless it's one of my career goals, which I'm going to lose it. I don't know if I can ask the cards this, but I would love to voice a Disney princess. Would you? Yeah. A kind of like,

like one with big tits, I guess. Yeah, a bit like the girl in Brave. Kind of like Marida. Yeah, I just think I'd love to voice one. Would you? Yeah. Would you not have a voiceover agent? No.

Oh, no, such a good one. Oh. Penelope's going to get us work I know a really good agency Helen make your sleepy princess dreams come true well I actually do my liver first and then can I become a difficult thing is

I am a great believer in you know the holistic way of doing everything all at once and then the soft and the most important will float to the top see that's amazing you're going to fix your liver and Penelope's going to get your voice overaging this is the best I'm a fucking right I know, right?

Now, pick some cards. Okay, oh my God, yes. This pack, I got a funny feeling in my tummy when I pick them up. I'm going to shuffle them first. Did you? Why is this one been left out? Oh my God, what's wrong with it? It's probably her devil card.

Do you know what I mean? It's Catherine's devil card. Catherine, please. What's your middle name? Is it Anne or Jane? Elizabeth. Pretty close to Anne, yeah. Mine's Anne.

I don't know what it was there. Oh, yeah. And who's got religion in their family? I mean, obviously, yeah. No, no, like proper. religion like really religious people in your family yeah my dad is a as a like an actual clergyman like a priest yeah no yeah I didn't think priest got married um so there's a new thing called a deacon in Ireland where you can become a priest after you've been married really because they were running out

of the other ones nobody wants to give up sex anymore these days butelopee you know I mean I just think the catholic church needs to get with it a little bit yeah not least because people go to them for sex advice imagine well they go to them for all kinds of advice that although I have to say the Pope said a nice thing this weekend. He was very anti-Ukraine. Not anti-Russia. Oh my God. Anti-Wil's a thing is very anti-Degra.

NIST's taking a turn. What's going on from Ukraine? You know, but see, I'm half Catholic, half Jewish, so I can have guilt on both sides. Oh, fun for you. I'm very drawn to Jewish women. I'm, I can't remember you. It's because we're funny.

I think it is. And it's because we don't care. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, some of you care. Well, we either don't care at all or you care away. We care about our faces. We care about like Botox, filler, cream.

What creams are you using? At the moment Don't worry I don't actually need this done I got both of this morning Did she where did you go A place on In Morgate

Harley Clinic You need to go to Cosmodox In Hart Street Thank God someone's here to tell me You get a voice overagent I get told How to keep my face like a list Okay Cosmodox Yeah they're very good

Okay great I've been going through 20 years That's why I can barely move my forehead That's why I don't have long You look so young You've got to start before you're 45 ladies I've started today I'm 33, let's go.

Any filler or are we just doing Botox? No, I'll just do Botox. I will get... You must have great bone structure. Well, I've got a bone structure. A boat structure. You're going to get a lower half? It's because it's going.

You know, like when you get a bit closer. The fact that it hasn't gone yet is very impressive. I think it's going to talk so much. Oh, then I'll be fine. Sorry, Helen. Shuffle. Shuffle. I don't know what I'm doing.

You have to shuffle. Now, you've got to shuffle, Helen, until you feel at one with the cards. So you shuffle, you shuffle, then you feel you feel a moment where it all feel like it's clicking together and then that's when you stop okay I don't feel like anything is clicking okay what am I doing a quick sorry that might be me no it's good that you listen to your instinct absolutely good to listen to your instincts try this pack okay mm-hmm you

might feel more at one with that you were drawn to it first mm-hmm I can also mix the pack so I can do both together they both make you feel nervous I won't I nervous which one makes you feel

least nervous I don't know this one maybe okay great yeah okay so we just do that one

yeah okay Helen Parr doesn't care what anybody thinks is this the right card for me

well I don't want to get I'm fucking you know I just pick one a pile I feel you're more

you're more resistant I think because perhaps we've touched on a few home truths I think it's interesting

Helen for the viewer has chosen the smallest pile. The tiniest pile. Yeah. With reticence in her heart. Not very good, but I just, I was just hoping you'd come on and tell me I had a good, just like a chart. Ooh. I don't like the, look at that.

What is that? It's a, it's a man holding a stick. It's King of Wands. Okay. And then the sun. That can't be bad. La Bachelure. The magician again.

Oh, the magician. All right. Okay. What was, I juggling. So you have less cars. Oh no. Oh, I'm going to die. You've got the sun and the moon.

What a reaction. There are two very distinct eyes to your personality, and it is about drawing the two together to get you a nice balance reading. There are, and people that know you probably feel that you are less complicated than Catherine. Actually, you are way more complicated than Catherine. You know this already.

That checks out. But I would say that people outwardly would think otherwise, which is, I think, true. True, yeah. You have a lot of ones, stades, called them what you will. Your top card, so your leader card, which is this one, is the Ten of Swords. Now, the Ten of Swords is about having a combative personality.

You'll let nothing pass. You'll let nothing slip. You'll let nothing slide. If somebody says something that you think is unfair, if somebody says something that you know is wrong and nasty, you will be the first one to jump in and you have a very black and white view of the world I don't like nastiness at all

if someone's cruel then yeah I hate it and this this is your character and weirdly that you do stand-up comedy because you know all stand-up comedians they will poke fun at a situation or a person or mostly at themselves but this shows me that you

would make an amazing politician because of your honesty in all things Thank you. Interesting. We then have this little card here, this wonderful little card here, followed by the sun. Now, the magician, but after the sun, before the sun, okay. Right now, your main focus is work direction, stability career. It's what drives you.

That's true. And everything else is kind of on the periphery. You can see it, it's a little bit blurry on the edges, but it's there. These two together are very important because there's nothing that will come your way, this year that you will not achieve on you will move heaven and earth to make sure that those opportunities pan out for you it's not always easy um and i think it's because people prejudge because you're so bouncy and and you know effervescent love that word she is effervescent people sometimes don't always take you as seriously as they should because you've got a mind like a

steel trap you don't forget things um you don't hold grudges but you'll never forget and when you set your mind to something there is nothing that will hold you back and i think people dismiss that in you they think oh no no she's just funny she's just there she's just that and they with your goat-like tendencies they don't realize that you are always climbing that mountain it might be an invisible mountain to everybody else but to you it's very real okay and you will absolutely get to where you need to be without putting okay you might put a few feet wrong but you'll get there eventually she's got four feet it's very tricky not to put one of them they're little hooves they're little hooves as you balance on your tree and after

And the sun is about prosperity And we're talking financial prosperity Can you please tell her to save some of it, Penelope? For a rainy day or for you? For a rainy day. Do I have enough to go to Disney? Where it depends where you want to go to go to Paris? I already did Paris.

I spent my first big paycheck on it, took two friends there. Did you really? Yeah, we met Snow White. Did you say one of those nice little princess castles? Or was it just a day trip? No, Toy Story Hotel, three nights. You really push the boat out Yeah

When do you want to go to Florida Tell me 2020 Okay well it's spring next year Yeah Okay 23 we can work with 23 We can't work with 22 Not not happening this year for me Not this year

You could have a nice week in Spain Oh Okay Ibiza You could go to What is it, Ianapa Oh very exciting There's a pub circuit and Ianapa

I want to meet Just hold off to be Another princess. Hold off to 223. I have to wait a tiny bit for that. I want to give myself the chart as I never had. Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sad.

I've never heard you admit that that's why. I've never heard you admit that. I'm not panicking and sweating. No. That's so interesting. Fine, I'll go to the stupid Shrek experience with you. Yes, really? Yes, fine.

I didn't know it was for your childhood. Have you not been to the Harry Potter experience yet? No. Will you not go because of you of you? with J.K. Rowling. I guess now a little bit I'm not that fast. But I'm also like

I've been three times like the biggest Harry Potter. Like I read the books as an adult. I didn't read them when I was little or anything. I went before she was a transphobe. She's awful for that. Yeah, truly she's got to stop talking.

I don't know what's wrong with her. She came from nothing and now she's got an opinion about everything. I know. Really. But also like what a bizarre and afflicted group of like a tiny minority to decide as you're punching back. Yeah. All that power.

Back to Helen's childhood because this is crazy. So 2023 for Florida. Yeah. Now, the thing about prosperity is sometimes it comes when you least expect it and it comes when an opportunity presents itself and you think, oh, I'm not sure about this. But if you step into it, it brings prosperity

and you have that this year. So it might be a job or a suggestion of, I don't know, something about comparing with you feels right. I don't know why. Compare, like on stage, like comparing. That's so weird because I hate comparing. Interesting. It's the least confident I ever feel.

Like, I refuse to do it. I hate it. Well, I'm going to say to you, I don't know, I've only ever seen a couple of really good compares, really good ones. There's something about you that I feel once you get past your barriers,

it's a money spinner. Not that I'm all about the money people, but it's a money spinner. Interesting. That's like, that's like I'm genuinely scared that I'm going to end up doing like presenting work and not being happy.

Oh no, what if we were at the Ant and Tech of the UK. Poor on. What you mean presenting on TV? Yeah. Where you get to make jokes and get paid for it. I don't know why it doesn't feel right. I would say to you that at this point in your career when you're still very young, both of you are still very young, you shouldn't rule out anything because opportunities that come your way that may look quite boxy or they may feel like they're boxing you in and you have a massive fear of being boxed in. You're better at being boxed in. She has a real fear of being boxed in. They lead to other things.

and sometimes six weeks of pain gives you six years of success and that's something that you kind of have to get past. Okay. I'm looking deeply into your eyes because I'm feeling she's going, oh no, no, Lord. But also like, you could call it comparing, like,

what Mel and Sue did on Bake Off. That, like that... Yeah, I call that comparing. You know what I mean? Oh, really? Yeah. Like, you could call comparing, like, comparing hosting BGT.

I don't mean, like, standing at Buckling's going, yeah, next we've got Shane Moore. I sort of see it as like, celebrity big brother and you're sort of like interviewing people when they come out of this house and their lives are, like, really sad.

and then you're like poking fun at it. Like I just, that sort of like reality thing. No, I don't like reality TV. I love watching it. I just don't want to be a part of it. Yeah. But I think that's really interesting that it's like, but you never would be

because look, you don't have the one that you have an aversion to cruelty. So you can just trust that you'll still be fine. You'll still be yourself when you're comparing. I don't want you to rule anything out because I think there's different opportunities coming towards you. And I'm mindful.

I've only got an hour with these ladies. How are you? I'm mindful that everybody has, a fixed sense of where they want to be everybody has a goal and ambition yeah sometimes we have to take detours yeah and sometimes the detour leads you to a place that's better than where you think you're going to end up and you can be quite as I said before pick-headed yeah and like right now like right now and that's not something that I want you to do over the next two or three years because your next two or three

years are your seminal years where you set a nice foundation yeah you said something interesting to me on the phone I said to you um I feel that things are going to be really good and that you know there's better to come and I said something and you said I think I may have plateaued already and that stuck with me all through last week and I don't remember saying that. No, you did.

You did. Interesting. And the reason it stuck with me is because I got this immediate feeling that oh my God she's shutting herself down before she's got a time to fly. And so when this comes up, I feel that I have to stress you must not let any opportunity slip through your fingers because of a judgment that you have previously made

because you will live to regret it and you'll be 45 and I've done that it was only six weeks out of my life and things could have been so different fly little goat fly because when yeah fly goat fly because when opportunity knocks on your door it may knock once it may knock twice

it will then move to the next person in the queue and that's the thing to remember and that person will see what you're not seeing and I feel that there's a lot of things coming your way over the next six months to a year yes you're going to have to cherry pick the bits that you want to do but in that mix

there are going to be things that you may think oh it's a bit lame but actually it's not okay say yes to things do you not say yes to things I do I just I question sometimes like things that I say yes to like the repercussions of it a little bit sometimes but I like

I make a decision and then I regret it or like I panic about it that I've done something wrong. Someone will be like, do you want to do this? And I'm like, no. And then I'll be like, oh, should I have done that? Yeah. And then but like it comes up later or someone would like, do this and I'm like 100%. And I'm like, oh, why the fuck can I say yes to that? I don't want to do that.

That's where your impulsivity comes in. And this I think is where you have to be a little bit more rational and selective. So rational as in you look at something. And just because your gut instinct says yes or no, you've actually got to think about it before you voice that opinion okay and rational because not everything has an immediate payoff some things have a payoff a year down the track and it's about having the vision to buy into what seems like a really good idea might not be making loads of money but actually it's a massive launch pad yeah that's the thing that you have to look for again oh god i'm going to

do another i tv too i'll behave yourself okay okay well helen has to be on the tv for cash I'm joking She's fine What's this? Oh this is the ones again Yeah And it's the five of ones Now five is the most creative number

Yes So creativity writing Putting things down on paper Expanding a thought process Creating characters All of that is within your remit Oh my God But it's something

But it's more for me I was going to say But if you were going to pick someone To write a script And you'd enjoy reading it It'd be number five it would be at number five and I would say

the reason that it's highlighted this year is because there's an opportunity coming this year so that's something that you must be focused on that thing's going to get a commission I think so too

can I do anything to help this along no no you just need to let it be oh duh whatever's going to get a commission write a small part for Claavoyance in there and I'll come on it

never forget Penelope yes yes right without it absolutely love you We're then over here. Now, when you look over here, using your insightful brain, the one that you don't use that often,

but you're going to use it now. Look at these two cards and tell me what you think. Good. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. The moon is about not giving everything away. The moon is about not opening your mouth and saying exactly what's going on to give your secrets away.

The moon can mean people only giving you half the story, leaving out important things. so that you're left questioning whether you're going in the right direction. Okay. But for you, my lovely, this is about, you've got to hold some things back so that people are guessing, people are questioning, people are wondering whether this is the path that you want to follow. Don't say, don't let them believe so much that you've brought into their idea, you've brought

into their visions that they count on you. I don't know how to explain it. Okay, how can I explain it? This for me is about yes, say yes. and no to things but this is about not making people so confident in you that they take you for granted this is about holding back some of what your so if you're ecstatic about something you don't need to tell them if your rider is 15 pages long you need to be a little bit more yeah okay that's fine you know yeah yeah i need to get a rider okay yeah m&Ms lemonade i do think that's true though

because i think in comedy because we're so grateful to do it and we feel very lucky to do a job we like, even when we've worked for years and years and years to get good at something and someone's like, we'll throw in a free pizza, we're like I'm going to know, we're not worried, we're not worried, we're not worried. Where do you want to come? I'll let me tell you. And it's like

oh, hold on, we've worked for free for a really long time. So I understand the instinct to be like, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. But you're right, it does make us people just think that we're worthless than we are. This is why I'm so fucking thick because I'm like, okay, so I need to hold back, but I also need to like say yes. Do you know what I mean? Like, you can say yes without saying yes I do it for free like you can be like yes you can say yes that's lovely thank

you for considering me false stuff it doesn't have to be with like absurd gratitude that makes us seem like we almost sound surprised or doesn't think we deserved it that makes sense but also when you give people too much information about how happy contented delighted you are they take that for granted and they think that when they add something push you a bit harder expect more because you're so grateful you're going to say yes but this applies right this applies to your work and direction so you need to be yeah absolutely i'll do that i finish at 11 i'm gone by five past rather than saying oh say it'll hoppers because your other bloke hasn't turned up okay that it's not being taken advantage yeah it also means that when a great opportunity comes your way and you

recognize it you don't fall on it like oh my god this is so amazing this is just what i've always wanted and you give away all your enthusiasm to the people the money people basically okay Penelope's going to make us rich I'm hoping the Empress is your final card That feels good I love it when the Empress comes up Because it is about self-belief

It's about self-motivation And it's about buying into your own vision of yourself I think you need to tweak your vision slightly Okay Can we talk about how the Empress also looks Like Helen, she's a blonde She's a busty babe And the reason that I say

I'd like you to tweak a tiny bit Is because you're amazing the way you are you don't need to please anybody but yourself you really don't and i think that brings you back to your childhood where you wanted everybody to think that you were amazing and perhaps there's a moment when they didn't that five minutes in your life when they didn't um and you're still trying to make up that ground you don't need to make it up anymore this is about being really confident in yourself not just superficially but internally okay and i have to say both of you have really nice years ahead. Like, 2022, 23, and

24 are very good years for the pair of you. Great. There's some stuff together, but there's equally stuff apart. And that is as important as the stuff together. Yeah. Okay. Not more so, not less so. An equal balance. I feel like I've got a lot to think about.

I think you said something that's so interesting which is like, I think we can get trapped in that five minutes where things were people didn't think we were enough trying to still prove that we are. And it's like, this, I hope you don't mind me saying this but it reminded me of do remember on the podcast we were talking about you were going to berlin and you were like i'm nervous about going because of how i feel i look

and i was like honest to god if you were coming back to brilliant i said this year at the time but i was like and i was your friend and i was also doing comedy i'd be like this is so cringe because helen's done apollo so i'd be like what have i what have i what have i what have i i i i guess what i mean to say is like i think where you were worried like if whether or not you're enough everybody else is caught up in their own like am i enough am i enough am i enough so like what i'm saying is no one else is spending any time wondering if you are i do think it's really interesting what you've picked up on like just like what i like because in general i know what i want but like the idea of what i need to do to get there i'm not quite sure or like what to do what to say yes to i just get like yeah i get very

confused i think and i like i no no that's so interesting i can only go from like a you know a missing Meg's viewpoint, we always say to people, trust your instinct and it's the most difficult thing to trust because your instinct is telling one thing but your common sense is telling something else your heart. I trust my instinct when my instinct is to make the person in front of me happy. But you don't have to...

But then if that's your instinct every single time and I have no instincts. No, you have brilliant instincts. You just are spreading it very wide all the time and sometimes not everybody is worthy of your time and your energy. Get the fuck out of who. it's learning to cherry pick the bits that a feel right

B have a payoff at the end because both of you have very interesting paths to get to where you want to be you both and I think that both of you've been relatively successful all the way through I'm sure you've had your hard times and I think that comedy is probably one of the most difficult things to get a foothold in

because we all love certain people and new people coming up it must be quite difficult but when you reach where you are now you've evidently made good choices you've evidently made good career choices you know and it's about keeping that momentum going and as we go through 2020 and into 2023

there's more good stuff coming and it's about learning I'm going to have this bit from here this bit from here and this bit from here and the rest of it as much as they gave me a chance 10 years ago they gave me a chance five years ago I don't have to do that for them I'll do it when I've got time

but I'm not going to kill myself because these things are more important well I'll be listening back to this episode I was listening but I was also like I can't remember any of my advice what was my advice oh my god I'm gonna have to watch it as well it's been amazing you've been and I will say as an actual

I saw even a skeptic but I listened recently to too many podcasts about scam mentalists and that's face mapping yeah or just like just like they were from like years and years and years years ago. But I also, but also weirdly my, like one of my strongest memories from childhood is my mom being told that one of her kids would be a writer and that like imprinting on me. I don't know, I don't know whether which is chicken or which is egg. But regardless, my point is

that I actually feel very helped. So thank you. It's helpful hopefulness, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I'm very good mother sprinkling love. You really are. Oh, thank you so much for coming on. And I have a, I have a Botox appointment to get to. You have a, A scriptoride for Penelope, please. Yes, yes, of course. And if you could sort of at the voice, though, right? Where will it get caught? End of the year, right?

Everything is linking for both of you towards the end of the year. You're different. But end of like the astrological years. No, I mean the end of this year. Oh, so December? Oh, great. Freedom and weep, baby.

We can go Disney together then. I'd actually love to, but I don't know that I... Would be fun enough for me then. That's true. That's it. I think you'd be holding a lot. They'd want to hire you as a princess, wouldn't they?

And that- Hello! Okay, that was interesting. That was interesting. And that would ruin your heart. I won't go. I won't go. We'll go to Iron Appa together.

And then you can go to, you can go to Florida with boys. With men. No, but you could be a princess too. But because of the little frocks that she's wearing, they've got, oh, she makes such a perfect princess. I already brought my costumes. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Go fuck yourself, sweetheart. This has been really nice and you've ruined it at the end. I haven't. Penelope, you're an angel. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. That was the most self-indulgent. That is literally everything I ever thought it was going to be. How seriously did I take that? After two seconds, I was like, tell me everything about myself. On the other way, oh my God,

you're going to solve all my problems. But honestly, before we started, I said, and I don't think we were recording, I said, I have a really horrible feeling that what's going to happen is you're going to be completely charmed and fall in love with it.

And I'm going to fall to pieces and not like it. That's exactly what happened. I was fucking... I loved it, but I hated it. I know. I could sense that from you. What a lot to process.

Everybody, please email about your feelings about that because I want to know. We haven't even solved a problem, but I guess we solved the problem of us. I feel like that was a problem. Oh yeah, no, I... We don't have time.

Okay, message us all of your feelings. Please tweet us all of your feelings. On the plus side, this year's going to be great career-wise for both of us. I can't wait for all this bank we're going to make. Do you want to thank our... Thank you to our Patreon.

because we have to say thank you made our dreams come true you honestly have been you allowed us to well you allowed me to spend the money that we would have earned this month than hiring a psychic will you spent what now okay yeah i was just going to message it to andrew um thank you to our producers kira leach richard bicknell s dubs l richard ball sadie cashmore zoey kaelin lyde calin leith melissa dunkels donkels oh i've really lost it now dutoria hutchison emma walt zawley carlowe Carlton, Karen Bull, Harold Van Dyck, Anthony Conway, Tim and Dom, Joe Holmes, Sarah and Molly, Bennett Mancini, I love this. Mancini, that's a new one, isn't it? Claire Owen Jones, Kim Doyle, David Walker, Jess and Nick. I think we agree that it was Dovegull. Did we not? Lee Myers-Coff. Rachel R, Neil Redmond, Aiden McQueen and Carrig, Duke. You bunch of legends, thank you for producing our show. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And as ever, thanks on the executive producers. I always feel like I need to do something like a sexy voice for this. I know. you should. Simon Moors, Guy Goodman, Janina Bautista, and Mary Fogg. Oh my God, leave a condom in me. Leave a condom in there.

Thank you so much. I loved it. Also, Simon Moors came to my Soho run. Shut up. Yeah, and was like, having a chat with the gorgeous people who came with him. And they basically made,

the conclusion of the chat was that if both of our mothers had a podcast, it would be better than our podcast. How crazy insulting is that? Are you fucking kidding? No, it was like trusty hags and I hate it.

Oh, actually. Right? Okay. Right. come on i know well yeah i get it i get it in a dream world yeah but um they thank you for supporting this podcast until that podcast overtakes us truly Thank you.