Trusty Hogs - Ep26. ESTHER MANITO / Quizzing, Queer Eye & Quavers

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Esther Manito joins us in Hogs HQ for A super fun chat about our favourite foods, parenting, and handling horrible men…Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Aideen McQueen / Sarah & Molly / Carrig Duke / Melissa Dunkeld / Sonia HackettWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. We are doing your birthday. When is your birthday? Next Thursday.

Okay, next Friday. Oh yeah, I can never remember. I'm joking. You fucking watched me put it in my cat. Can you see my blank face right now being like, you don't know when? Hello, welcome to episode 25. 26. Oh, yeah, Andrew, I've got you.

Because I know that because episode 25 was Penelope. Oh my God, can we talk about it? Do you want a debrief a little bit? We've spoken like between ourselves. Let's do the intro again. Okay. Hello. God forbid we do a clip

where you say something wrong. No, because we haven't explained what the podcast is for the only listener. Okay. Hello, welcome to episode 26 of Trustee Hogs.

Yay. Oh, gosh. A podcast where we talk about ourselves for way too long. Talk to a guest where we talk about ourselves for way too long.

And then we solve one of your problems perfectly. Yes, we do. Welcome back. Through the fog. Step forth the trusting.

Hogs, yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Such an exciting episode. We have Esther Manito on today. I love Esther Minito.

phenomenal comic and also it's a special week here at Trustee Hogs we are just coming to the end of M's birthday week yes M and the start of Helen's birthday week

so exciting actually by the time this would have come out I would have turned 31 already so I'll be blooming into my older age you will speaking of blooming I brought you both a gift Um, no, it was meant to be a surprise by I showed up with the two bags. Helen immediately started to rifle through them saying, is this for me? Is this for me?

And then I had to say, um, yes. And then you said, both for me? And I said, no, then I had to ruin the other surprise. I'm like, no, one of them's for M. Oh, yeah. But, um, you've had your birthday. That was like, well, maybe it was a week ago. Maybe let's let Em enjoy her birthday also. Happy birthday, um. Yes. Em, because it was your birthday first, you get to choose a color. Oh my God. No. You get to choose a color. Yeah, you need to pick between, no, you get to, here are the choices. Okay. Geez.

Multi-collar. Oh, my God. And I know that they're both good colors for Helen because she's wearing both of them. Pink or yellow. Um, I would love pink. Okay, great. I'm going to give you the pink bag. Okay, good choice.

Oh my God. Thank you so much. I'm giving Helen and Ann their respective gifts. Oh my God, it's a plant. It's a plant. It's a plant. What's our plantie is it? I'll tell you. I don't actually know what they're called,

but I'm sure there's like a Latin name. It's probably, the point is... Thank you so much. I love it. Well, the beautiful thing about this gift is that it's also sort of a competition because, no, because they're both kept alive in the same ways. So it's like, who's better at that? You know? So here's what you do.

The thing to say is they both need to be kept an indirect light. I'm going to write this down. Come on, guys, we can do this. Do you want to show the listener, your plant? Listeners. Indirect light. Indirect sunlight.

The other thing to say is they love humidity. So you can spray the air around them. You know, like they love a wet air. So basically if you're fucking, you put it in the same room as you. Yeah, exactly. Especially you. And then the other thing to say is the soil can get dry on the top

before you water, but it shouldn't get dry all the way down. So what does that mean? Weekly. It usually means weekly. Yeah. So just that's my top. tips. I had a chat with someone in Unhead Gardner

about this and it's very simple. You just pick a watering day and I was like, got you. That's what I do. I got two plants and one of them's every two weeks, one of them's every week and I was like, that's just, that's impossible. No, you can do it? Oh my God, I love it. And then so how do, and when we win do we get another present? You get another plant if you've proven you can take care of this one. How long

do we have to keep it alive for? Six months. That's fair. Have you already noted down the bag where she got it from so you can just buy the same one? Alex. I'm placing a goldfish for a child just in case six months six months you got to say my half birthday is september 25th so we'll say then you already know that sure if you if you don't keep this in indirect sunlight i'll know because the leaves will turn green back from yellow that one's green already yeah that one's green already i know but i'm

just saying the ones that are lighter colors are kept that way because of the sun so i want them to look like this indirect sunlight why is that one red because it's it's a plant of variation isn't it pretty i love it so much so nil's going to love it i'm going to put it on piley i'm so glad Thank you so much. You're welcome. Well, you have just moved into a new head. But this isn't my main present, is it? No, I'll see you on Sunday.

You're taking me out. Yeah, I'm taking it out. Isn't the Shrek Adventure? I'm not telling you what it is. Don't get your hopes up that it's the Shrek Adventure. Okay, my hopes are already really high than it's the Shrek Adventure. I know, but don't get your hopes up. Let's just have a nice time.

I'll sort something. I've already spoken to Andrew privately about this, actually. He's going to have a word with you afterwards because I've really got my hopes about the Shrek Adventure. I can very much sense that. I don't think he's chat. with me will be necessary because you've been very clear but let's just not get her hopes up either way if you don't follow us on instagram follow us on instagram because sunday could be really lovely or terrible for katherine yeah those are the only choices those are the only choices

um how do you feel are you feeling stressed about keeping your plant alive because helen's obviously a pro gardener but do you feel stressed or okay i actually feel pretty okay about it okay okay okay so do i look at that so do i great oh it's on it's on see you on september 25th How exciting. Happy birthday. Do we get something for the half birthday even if we don't keep it alive though? It was like a half birthday treat. No.

No, just definitely not. Coal? If you don't keep it alive? No. I don't have a fireplace. Oh, maybe I'll buy a barbecue. Something to think about it. I got hauled the other day.

I went online and I spent 200 pounds on a picnic table. I don't know what I was doing. Do you have a garden? Do you have a patio space? Oh my gosh. And I was like, I was like in a pub and I was like, God, picnic tables are incredible, aren't they? They're just,

amazing because you can just sort of like just sit there and then like there's always that like nervousness if you lean back it's going to go over which is kind of like a fun ride. Risky. And then I was like saying to Seneil, good tape's are great and he was like yeah they're good aren't there and I was like I've bought one and I don't know why but I feel like I could sand it down and paint it a really

fun colour. Oh that would be nice. Right and then a big I want to get a parasol for the middle of it because it's got wholly in the middle. So for 200 pounds you didn't even get a colour you wanted or with a parasol? It's wood coloured. Okay and you and no parasol for 200. No, you have to buy the Parasel separately, but I think I want one with like, like, fringing. What color are you thinking? Pink. I would help you paint that.

Really? Yeah, I'd love that. Catherine, messy work. I'd really like that. I'd be sweating. That's okay. I have a specific pair of dungarees for painting. God, I hate you. I know. You stand for everything. I stand again. I know. I know. I'd love to. I'd really love that. You know what? That just makes sense for me. I think from now on with whenever I'm making big decisions, I will be talking to Penelope first. So I will be asking Penelope

are now shared tarot card reader slash psychic. I hate how much you and her bond did and how much I was just silent at the side. I loved her so much. She like she actually made me feel because as you know and I'm not going to get into it

I'm in a heartbreak at the moment and she made me feel really reassured that everything was going to be okay even though I know it's probably made up but it still helped me. And also did I tell you about my new my new heartbreak personality? No?

It's quizzing. I'm a quizer now. Oh my God, I love this for you. Don't you think it works? This is the way so you like you go to quizzes? I go to my local quizzes. I'm not going to tell you my area, but I will tell you that I have won two in the last 10 days.

Shut up. That is disgusting. Because my best friend Georgie is very good at quizzing. Georgie is amazing. She knows everything. And it's so funny because we don't. And you write down the answer so neatly. I do.

I do. I do. And it's so funny because we have such a shared wealth of knowledge as well. So like a lot of all the popular culture questions, which by the way, in quizzing, they like, the questions I find easiest, they're like, oh, we'll give you a multiple choice for this because who could know Kylie Jenner's kid's name? And I'm like, are you kidding me? And I'm like, are you kidding? I think it is. Yes. Yes. But then when it's like capital of Belize or whatever, they're like, you'll know that. And you're like, are you joking? I don't know. Like, be like. I think it is. Yes. Yes. Yes. But my point is like, I love it. It's so fun. I got outrageously angry with a couple who were definitely cheating. That feels right for you. And I consequently found it legitimate only in that circumstance to cheat myself. But they were so brazen and it was disgusting.

It was disgusting. They were so overt. And then they almost won by one point we beat them. I remember back in the day we would go to the toilets with their phones. That shouldn't be like. That's one thing I will say is I'm still in the market. No, but you can go at the breaks. I'm still in the market for a more stringently policed quiz

where either they take your phones or you're not allowed to have a phone out. I just feel like it's a bit lax in my area, frankly, especially the one on a Tuesday, but we'll be fine. You need to get one in like a beer cellar. Yeah. Where there's no signal. Like you're just sort of all locked in. I just want greater degrees of, um, of policing.

Like, I think there should be more invigilators at quizzes. I'm, I'm saying this with love. So I don't want this to become like an algorithm. I need this quizzing and it's helping me. And I get that. And I've made a lot of money this week. 100% and congratulations. I'm off 60 fan.

And we're all very happy, Andrew, Em. Yeah, very happy for you. I will say, I used to host quizzes. I love that. Were you strong in the policing? I was very strong on the police. Thank you, Andrew. But I always say there's not, it's very poorly paid.

There's not a budgetary wiggle room for invigilators on top of a quiz master. We must be kind. We must be kind. We must be kind. We have to understand. M is coming to a quiz with me in two weeks from Tuesday. What's the quiz? It's my, it's a local pub quiz.

They have a fabulous, fabulous way of doing it, though, where. Okay, so you fill in all your answers, but you fill it out essentially on a bingo card. And then for the first, like, so there's an overall winner, but there's also, if you get a row of answers correctly, and you're in the first three people to do that, you get to shout bingo. Can I come? Isn't that really clever? Can I come, please? No, and it's, um, it's so fun.

And the other one I do has a creative round where you have to make something out of tin foil based on a theme. I don't like that. which I hate, I also hate, but the bingo is a nice element because it's just a way to get more prizes. Do you want to do a quiz in the extras? Do you want a little trusty hogs quiz in the extras? Oh my god, can we really? Do you want some time to write it probably next week? Because I used to host the quizzes. I've got all of them in my laptop. Shut up. Yeah, let's do a quiz in the extras this week. No, it needs to be written specifically for trusty heart.

Okay, fine. What? Subscribe to patreon, um, patreon. Patreon. Patreon. Yeah. I'm trying to get on your quiz team. You're not having any part. quiz speciality I'm sorry but I actually want to be invited to this quiz and I feel like this is my one opportunity to get invited as the show. We can do it in the extras

fine but I also think you should write one specifically for trusty hogs and do that feels like it's weird that you wouldn't have done that already. Sorry we've done 26 episodes yeah exactly I want yes they all have to do quizzes about the episodes good luck with that yeah we can do some in the extras absolutely so fun all I was going to say is have you seen quiz

the TV show of course I don't want you to end up running an illegal ring I would never for people I'm just saying I would never you well no one thinks they're going to end up that way I would you know Charles Ingham I don't well work I don't well work well work well enough with others for that to be the case I promise you I would not work as a team sufficiently well okay I love this for you I fully support it thank you and while my heart aches I am going to win the pennies of the elderly women of my borough for as long as I can you know I was once number three in the country

for Alan Partridge knowledge I did not know that how do they measure that you have to enter the quiz it's like six months in advance to try and get a table and then you have to get your table book in advance you have five people with you and I made substitutions for a friend of my team who I didn't think actually knew that much wow and then it's like the most intense night of your life like you could only drink lady boys like your name has to be something to do with Partridge. I cried when someone's quiz name was youth hustling

with Quiz Eubank. I thought it was so good. I got emotional. That's so good. We didn't get higher because we did misunderstand one of the bonus rounds. I'm sorry. Because we thought it was first person outside to scream Dan 10 times on the street and Camden wins. But it was actually like anyone who does it gets

the points. So we were like we went near the door. Someone ran and we were like oh, it's over then. And then we realized it's too late that it was like oh it's over so we didn't get the extra point but it was like it was stringent like people were strict to the point where the the guy was reading out the answers at one point and went fungal foot cream and we all went powder and he was like fungal foot powder I'd like to apologize to the group oh my god yeah yeah I have a question do anything about the simpsons yeah I'm about to do it I'm going to okay do what are you free for a simpsons quiz

oh my god I got invited Andrew yeah when when um I think it's Monday the 11th that two North Dam? Probably. Do you want to come? Yes. Okay, that's amazing. I'm going with my neighbours. You know, Chloe who has the Simpson's tattoos? So she's like... And I've got Simpsons poster at home and I watched two episodes this morning. Oh, please. I know nothing about it. I'm just encouraging other quizzing. I'm like, practically

just facilitating that one. I'm like the tour guide. Are you freaking kidding me? I'm seriously into quizzing now. Most is like based off ritual. Let's go. He knew the writers of it. Yeah. Okay, let's go. Ask me ask you a question about the Simpsons. No, no. I'm warming up. No, ask me. What is the house number of Homer Simpson?

27. 43 Evergreen Towers. Okay, yeah, there we go. Sorry. Okay, that's fine, that's fine. I just trying to say a number. 43, I'm going to have, okay. That's amazing that you know that.

Okay, you're, you're, so excited. Okay, I actually, I'm, you're in. You're in for that specific quiz. Do you want to fuck? I don't know. Yeah, maybe after, if you're good, if you're good. So all you're doing is quizzing at the moment. It's going to be my main source of, um, because I can't drink too much.

I don't, I want, I can't use my phone and send embarrassing text messages. I'm so sorry, Catherine. Helen actually got that wrong. it was 742 evergreen terrace I don't know if whether you want to this feels quite brutal to do on the podcast but if you want to rescind the invitation I've already celebrated

Andrew I've already celebrated first of all Andrew thank you for telling us but I will say this she got all the numbers in different order secondly she knows I've got a learning disability I don't actually have the ability

to kick her off the team for that because I didn't know any of the answer so she's in and I think I think Chloe would have known the number but you would have confirmed the street also just one minute I'm so sorry What was the point?

What was the point? Do you want to come to the Simpsons? Because what should be? No, I guess I just want to debate. He was me, so in California. Hello, was actually incorrect. You know what? This is a bit of like self-therapy here.

I have been hanging out with a guy who was, I was flirting with him actually. He was. He was a producer on Spanish. He was, yeah. But he was a producer on Spanish reality TV. And in like our friendship groups and when I'm talking to him, he asks like really divisive questions

because that's like his job as a reality. And it's definitely got into me. Like I've got that capacity now to like. So I'm sorry. That's, I'd be sorry. You know, you were,

I wanted to be quizzed and I got it wrong. I just feel like we, you'd seen me celebrate and I clearly got quite arrogant. And then you sort of like went for it, you know? Yeah. Well, I never want to bring you back to work. No,

it's fine. No, maybe I deserved it. I like you too. I think you're a nice enough guy. It's just, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. I got really into saying things. like that because oh my god do you watch german queer i did i watch german queer i helen first of all i have so many opinions um you know that i hated initially but then i really i grew into it i also now i just say faber faber father um but also color color color color color but also yan henrik fucking loves faber clothes oh my god loves also hates women's bodies but we'll get into that another day my main thing is like what's with everyone in germany's life being being like so fucking bleak.

It's just a tragic country. When they're like, here is a young 18 year old girl. Oh, Marlene. Malina. Maline, is it just Maline? Oh, Marlene. Oh, Marlene. Oh, when she was young, her brother died.

And then her mother died. And then her other brother died. And then her and her father were a family of two. And then her father died. Yeah, it's a really sad episode. She's 18. I do not recommend listening to episode four. And then they found

Then they found out By the way, sorry but like it feels like bad math Then they found out they had a genetic predisposition to a heart problem So she's had a heart transplant And then in come the gays

Being like You want to learn how to make a smoothie? Hello, hello Yon Queen You're like What? Oh, Malin Sousa What kind of makeup?

What's good? Literally they're like It's really fucked up It is but everything's German and they do this amazing thing so you know like they're sort of like modern like Berlin folk and so they all like drop in little English words every now and again but a little bit of them crush it and Jan Henrik who does fashion hasn't quite got the tone right so they'll be on their way to like so like they're on the way to see Yergen who's a guy who lives like

I think near Arkin like on the border and they're like oh he loves Star Wars his wife's left him he's got nothing going for him and he's like and they're all like yes let's do this let's help Yergan and he's like we'll do our best yeah it's honestly we'll try and also the best thing about it is it's so german so um like the people that nominate them they like they they haven't dressed up because the tv cameras are coming not at all in america and like all british tv shows they nominate their friend who they ultimately try and get them caught in a horrendous outfit but they've all really dressed up for the occasion they're in german queer eye when all their friends arrive at the end these women have made no effort whatsoever

in beautiful German yeah in Germany and it's sort of like oh my God do her next that's what you're so when you said it to me it was exactly right you're just like

cool which one are they helping and it's like just like seven family members and you're like I hope it's everyone oh god I hope it's everyone but you were really won over by them weren't you? Oh tremendously so I really like my friends friends with Lenny on Facebook

I would say this is Germany that on diverse no I mean, they're out in the provinces for most of it, but no, it's not. Like, everyone they helped was white and almost all of the fabs, as they call themselves, which I did not enjoy. There's actually two are, yeah, Turkish and Arabic. That's a lot more. The multi-culty sort of version of Germany is a lot of, like, Arab, sort of Syrian.

I just felt like, how is everyone white who's home that are going to? Okay, that's a really good point, but it is, it's not as bad as it looks. Okay, okay. I was like, come on, queer Germany, let's do better. but I did enjoy and I... You were one round by the time. I was one round and I cried so much obviously

and that's all I really want. It's on British Netflix. I can highly recommend it because their budget is clearly very small. Oh that's the thing. And the house renovations are... Oh don't. They're like, look now your boxes don't just stack on top of each other.

They're sick plastic instead of cardboard. There's one episode when a guy cries because the sink works. Yeah. They're like, look, look. The warden. comes out and you're like oh jeez okay all right and the things they say yeah because like obviously the American when the budget is so big now they make over like a whole school or a whole prom committee

they give them loads of money at the end of it this one they're like a no micro oven it would be really good if the cats stop sleeping in your bed so we're going to get a cat bed actual scene, actual scene. It's incredible, incredible. I feel like I'm bullying it, but not, it's really lush. It's so sweet. Also, just watching five, like, really out there people arriving in these tiny little German towns is just really pleasing.

Yeah, because also the, like, beauty expert is covered, head to toe, like a scalp to toe in town. and when they walk into the father and son the single father and the kid's like open-mouthed agape at this gender queer gender non-conforming tattoo covered bald-headed dress-wearing person and it's like huh and then at the end they're like the kids like they're like what did you learn this week and he's like um david is that his name yeah i was scared of you i was scared of you but you're very nice and it's like it's like it's just a really sweet

sweet like just a really sweet little boy who just never seen anything like it before going like oh no but I really love you yeah but actually being like but you helped my papa so it's so cute yeah and they all sound exactly like augustus gloop that was bang on they actually do they do they do they come on father father I can't stop saying it every time I introduce our guests because otherwise we're just going to get stuck in German queer eye but we are recommending everyone does to do it please welcome to the show the one the only It's Estamonito. Yeah. Fabba! Fubba! Fubba! Dear listeners, I have done something, I have done something, which I have never been more proud of anything I've ever made in my life.

Like, I have wanted to have my own, like, script and make it since I was, like, four years old. I've had a version of a script in my head since then, and I've made a short for the BBC. Yes, she has. As in, like, wrote it, produced it, was in the edit suite, starred in it. Didn't produce it and co-wrote it, but still, Catherine will give me a lot more credit than I deserve for this.

Oh, fuck up. Okay. Sorry. Created it, co-wrote it, starred in it, and fucking, like, championed yourself. And after all of that, it is now sitting on BBCI player. What's it called, Helen? As of small doses. Small doses.

I love them. The producer was like, oh, we can't give it already fancy name what about small doses and everyone including the BBC start clapping like small doses I think it's great I went why and they went because your personality's only acceptable in small doses but they already agreed upon it and I was like you can be fucking kidding me that's actually such a good name and then I was like oh that makes sense because the character is not me and then throughout the whole of film and they were like yeah well just do it like how you would do it and I was like what this is this fucking bullshit but it's called small doses it's on BBC I player please watch it

please tell other people to watch it please share it with everyone and just Just please like it. I can't wait. I can't wait to see it. Oh my God. I'm nervous to see it. Well done. I'm so happy for you.

Because like there's a character that's based of Catherine. And I didn't get to play her. No. No, that's not. The literal fuck. Well done. Congratulations.

Thank you very much. Now tell me. Tell me about you. Because, um, hello more Soho dates. Oh yeah. Oh, hello.

Yeah. So I got COVID at the end of my, um, soho run. So I missed the last two days. So very kindly, so how are letting me come back in April to replace those two days. For how many dates?

For two and then they were like, P.S., you want to do another week as well in July? So I'm going to be back at Soho Theatre quite a lot if you didn't catch the last one. Seriously, catch COVID. It's a fucking benefit. Fuck off. It's genuinely, I think it's a good show. It's gotten really good reviews. Don't, yeah. It's got amazing reviews from literally everyone. Thank you. I was in the audience. I've seen it three times now. It's fucking flawless.

It's insane. It's called This Isn't for You and Despite that, I would like you to attend. So please you. And I'm also on tour. If you're listening to this all over the UK and Ireland, I'm coming. your way so between now and july i will be a lot of places i don't remember the names of but the general sense is that they're all uk cities i gather and also remember if you've already seen katherine show doesn't mean that you can like you go again and you can also tell people about it and tweet about it so that gets like more people drummed up i'm very proud of it and i'm very proud of it and i and a bunch of dates have sold out or almost sold out you can check it on my um yeah i'd love to see you on tour

Catherine Bellhart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Barbara. Sorry, we don't have time for this.

Oh. Did you see how cute that was? It was so cute. Like little, like adorable. We've got it, we've got it recorded. I don't know where to hide my porridge. I'm a big. I don't know if you need to hide your porridge.

I'm eating porridge in the middle of the day. Hello, it's Esther Minito. What's all porridge is it? Hi Esther! What's sort of porridge is it? is there yes dear welcome to our podcast it's um it's a trough of five grain oatmeal and the great starts with the word trough automatically is a no no from me really you know what podcast you're on welcome to the mud hi i always that was my favorite thing would like a trough of food do you remember like secret eaters and diet tv shows and they would like put out a trough of food

to show the fat people how much they ate during an average week the fat shaming but then because they were like there was remember that theory until like i think it was 2012 they changed when and they thought that fat people didn't use plates. So to show them the foods that they ate, they would just put like pasties and things. And then at the end of it, and runner would come in and just dump a bag of a coin all over the crisses everywhere.

They fucking love this, don't they? Question though. That would be their display. Question though. Do you use plates when you could just use your boobs? I actually, I use plates sometimes. Never your boobs? But.

Sometimes your boobs? I mean, sometimes my boobs, but not for like noodles or pasta. Sure, that's hot. But for like a sandwich. Yeah, catch the crows. Yeah, well, everything's caught in it. Like, my bras, this is why I think I should watch them more than monthly.

Because it's like, you know, when you've got like a carcophony of like, you need to watch them all the time because it's good bacteria. Because the breast is a semi-permable membrane. I don't know what's going on. Hang on. Okay, hello. Welcome to the podcast. Fat people don't use plates.

And Helen has bigger issues than that, believe it. She's got a huge breast. I've never really thought about your breast. Are you serious? I think about them once a day at least. Do you want to touch them? No. Oh, I do.

Thank you. And the other one? Thanks. It's really big. No, I'm not groping your boobs. Oh, no, you don't want it. It was a gentle fond. It's just a little touch.

No. She doesn't know if I was groping them. Why does that feel like awful for me? Oh, don't mind her. She's very straight. The second I got a chance I was in there, did you see me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't get the value of them.

She has her own. See, I don't have my own. No, I don't have any. Oh. No. I don't know what's wrong with you. How are you? You're not curious.

Sorry, how are you? You good? Why are you not curious? I don't know. I just feel weird touching your boobs. Oh, I guess we live different lives. Is this... Go back to the bad people thing?

But you know me. When have I ever been tactile? Never. Never. You're really very cold, actually. I don't think I'm that tactile. No, you're not. But I love a boob.

Do you? Yeah, it's like a space space. See, I would have mine removed if I could. Really? Yeah. You can. well I wouldn't go and have surgery but I really like being but if you could magically click them have you ever binded them down yeah that's why I wear sports bras all the time nice nice is that minimiser you've got yeah so just flattened if you're listening um Esther is pulling her top closer to show

flat flat chest and it's as sexy as when Ellen let me feel our big boobs this whole thing is really I have a broad interest in breasts I feel like you think that you're also being sexy along with us but eating porridge with a wooden spoon. Eating a trough. Being like, it turns out I fucking love tits. Sorry, sorry. It's not as hot as you think. You think that while I get to eat

my favorite food and then get invited by women to feel their boobs, I'm not having a good time. I couldn't give a shit if you think I'm sexy. I'm having a great afternoon. Your favorite food? Top five, top five for sure. Wow, okay, wow. Top five.

What's the other, what's the other four? Um, I could eat pizza any time of the day. I could eat pizza any time of the day. Just things beginning with pee. I could eat past any time of the day. Pistachios any time of the day. the day potatoes I'm fucking love potatoes my top five are all peas I didn't know this about myself that was amazing yes what are your top five top five food yeah that I could do any

any time today yeah crisps yeah sort of crisps I'm a massive crisp person I did say potatoes I've got one I've got one no I don't want anything oh my god food food any till the day crisps yeah anything really citrusy like I eat a lot I eat a lot of lemons. Really? Wait, just the whole lemon. I eat them like oranges. Okay.

Oh my God, okay. I don't know why you're upset. Your favorite food is porridge. I should be upset at the pair of you. Lemons. Go on. I love lemon. The citrus crisp.

Sitrus crisps. Anything, anything that's kind of like rice and sauce. Like curry and rice. I can eat that any time. I could wake up and eat curry. This is amazing. I had a chicken tiki masala for breakfast yesterday. Did you?

That makes sense. Do you know what I like, I like ordering a Chinese, I like ordering a Chinese and then eating it the next day when it's cold. Yeah. Isn't that the best? What about chocolate? No, I'm not a big chocolate fan. I never really eat sweet stuff.

Yeah. My favorite food, top five favorite foods. First one. Is Esther done? Yeah. Wasn't that five? Do I just go? Was that not five?

I don't know. I wasn't counting. Chinese curry crisps, citrus fruit. We were missing one. Sorry, Esther. Yogurt, plain yogurt. In fact, no, my treat, my treat. Was it worth it?

No, it was. No, can I tell you that? Because I told Amy Gladhill this, and she didn't believe me in, so I took a photo after a get. If I have a bad gig and I need some comfort food, I get crisps and plain yogurt so I can dip the crisps into the yogurt and eat it. Have you heard of hummus? No, I don't like dipping into humas. Have you heard of guacamole? Oh, I get it.

Have you heard of salsa? Yeah. It's really nice. But why don't you make satsiki then? No, because you've got it then great. Cucumber, it's a nightmare. Plain yogurt with crisps is the best and it's my comfort food. But then I get embarrassed of eating it in front of someone else.

So if someone else comes and sits down next to me, I'm like, what freak left this in front of me? Yeah. I had to sit down. That reminds me of like the mom version of like, you know, when you're in school, everyone used to try to make you dip your chips in your milkshake? No. I only found out about that as an adult. Who did that?

Oh, that was definitely a thing. It was like, I'm not going to accept this dare to ruin my McDonald's. Like, yeah. Why would you dip your chips in something? It's really common. It's popular. It's like a thing. I like your eye shadow, by the way.

Thank you very much. It smells like peaches. Do you want to smell it? You do love lovely. Oh, you're making her smell your eyelid. Oh. Oh, I don't. No, thank you.

I've got a scented eye shadow. The fact that you don't, that explains why you get so many styes. What are your top favorite food? You put your nose. No. I'll get nose stye. Yeah.

Can you get a nose dye? Well, let's find out. Let's find out. Yeah. I'll message you in a couple of days. Number one. Top five. World buffet. We're talking about things.

Number two. Number one, all food. World buffet. World buffet. I'm talking like, let's, um, things you can eat any time of the day. So you can have a world buffet any time of the day. What else? Yeah.

Toffee crisp. Oh, great. Shows. I really like it. Hang on what's that. Oh my God. No, you're lying. It's like the rice crispy.

Helen is just permanently angry at everything I say. I'm genuinely actually mad then. She's just like, why do you eat that? Why won't you touch my breast? Why are you speaking? I'm like, well, do you know what, Helen? So, toffee crisps are rice Krispies with caramel

and then the orange wrapper. Okay, I remember that. Sorry, you know what? I was trying to explain the concept. If you didn't get it from Toffee Crisp, then what am I supposed to do? Are they still a thing, though? Doritos, call original.

What dip? They're good. Anything. I literally dip it. I'll dip it in mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise. Oh, I hate mayonnaise. I fucking like.

Mayonnaise could probably be up there as well. I could just eat a jar of mayonnaise. mayonnaise is, just for fun time. Do you know, I can't stand? Everyone is shaking their heads in this room. You go to get a sandwich and everything's covered in mayonnaise. What does help? At the moment, I'm so sorry, Esther.

I'm sorry, I actually now am realizing why I'm so angry. But I was just having this conversation in the day with someone else. And every sandwich comes with no mayo. Like, that's a good thing. It is a good thing. Oh, what is the devil's food? No, no. No one's, no one's.

No one's allergic to egg. And then, I think people are, I think people are famously allergic to egg. No, but a lot of people don't like mayo. Yeah, that's not why people aren't having meato. It's because it's literally gross. Probably an ice cream van would be my last choice. Food I could have any day.

Would you eat the van or the ice cream? No, most of the things inside of it, though. What's your favourite favour? I like, like, ice cream now. A flake 99 with chocolate sauce and monkey blood. So, like, everything on it. What's monkey blood? Red sauce.

Ew. Strawberry sauce, yeah. That I really like. Is your dream man, an ice cream man? I could see. that for me. I love that for you. I just never considered it. You could then have the ice cream van at your wedding. You don't want him to work on a holiday. No, you could get someone else to work in the van. Or I could work in the van. I could be the bride that doesn't attend because

she's too busy. You could emcee the van? My God, could you imagine? But how would you feel about people asking for ice cream from me? Like, your ice, can I have some ice cream? I think I'd be okay sharing with my loved ones, but if it was like a child and I'd be like, I don't know this child. Okay. Like, why am I giving you a flag? Why would there be children? you don't know at your wedding. There's always every wedding I've ever been to. I've gone to like the bride or green

being like, oh, who's kids are those? And they go, oh, I'm fucking know. Oh, really? Honestly, there's always, and that's to the point where you worry that they go to weddings where people do coke as well. So that's maybe they did know the kids.

That was a family wedding. Not friends weddings. We had a very cooked up family wedding last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a magical day. I'm sure it's probably their kid. And they're like, well, I don't know. That's my baby.

Oh. You want to know the truth. but pepper pig so intense. Esther, please tell us are you doing Edinburgh? I am, yes. Especially the only conversation

any comedians have got left at the moment. No, I don't care because I'm my show's ready so I'm like, have a great time. I'm like, let's go. I'm sorry, that was really rude, but for the first time ever I'm doing my tour before Edinburgh, so I'm like excited for Edinburgh. So I was asking out of optimism rather than like shared

self-loathing. I don't have to ask it. Hey Esther, what are you? You, which drugs do you do at wedding? I don't, I don't go to weddings or do drugs. Okay, this will make Helen even, even more live it. Do you know, I've never done anything. Good for you. That's fine.

And people get really, not even a bottle of cowpile. Do people do that? Is that something that people do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you went out of paracetamol. Okay, well, I've taken paracetamol. Yeah, but I'm that type of. How about instead of that, a bottle of cowpole? Some things to think of it

Take the pain away I'd be good on Fuck the pain away Fuck the pain away Cow pole And you go to sleep Piratin Just loads of Puritin

Oh I do a lot of Puritin Although I just got Prescribed antihistamines Take my life Does it just knock you out No it just It means that I actually can breathe

Oh really? Yeah Did you get the eye drops As well It's not working This stuff is like the shit Oh I just take piratin To go to sleep

Oh my goodness That's not what that's for Okay Wait so you don't have pay fever, we can take the tablets. Yeah. Because we sell out in springtime, we being like the popular people who actually need it.

Oh, really? Yeah, how dare you? Oh. I don't do drugs, but I take drugs smothers. That's disgusting. That is disgusting. Look, come on, let's just get along. Can we just get along, please, this? Let's just stop this. Tell me about Edinburgh, so I do actually want to know where you are. Yeah, me too, and what's your show?

I'm at Gilded Balloon. Amazing. Classic Esther. I know. It really is. What time? I do like them. at half seven. Lovely. That's perfect. Everyone's the same time as me.

I'm 5.40. I can see your show. That's nice. You're in the Pleasance. Yeah. I'm 320. We can all see each other shows. I've already seen your show.

One to the other. Well, we could get dinner. Ooh, do you want to come? After my show. Yeah, okay, great. Or during, or during my show. And so...

Are you not going to see my show? I'm going every day. What's a show called? It's still hashtag, not all men. I'm still doing that. I love that. I love that. Okay, great.

So you're in the same position as me. done. Well, I'm not, I've still got to rewrite a chunk. Sure, meet it. I mean, by the time Edward comes, I don't, but I'm not nervous about. I've only got 50 minutes to write. What's your 50? Goodt. Madam Good tip. Because I feel like I've matured from my first show being Little Miss Baby Angel Face, so I'm a little miss baby, but I'm a little bit older, so I've gone straight into Madam. Right, Madam Good tip. But I'm going to be new on your front cover again, on your poster. I'm not going to be naked on it. My poster at the moment is this, it's, I'm still the borderist pictures of me that makes up the border.

So there's about 12, 13 Helens on the poster so far. But first year there was about 20 of me, so I feel like I'm humbling myself. I love it. What's the show bitch? Both of you, please. Mine's about different types of masculinity. Amazing. What made you write that?

Just like, why do men sexually harassed women? It's a great question. We're all asking it. We're all asking it. Do you know the answer? I think I do. Come to my show and find out. find out. Oh, my God. Oh, she's good. Oh, she's good. I've got all the answers. So why do men harass women and actually what what damage does it do to male mental health? Interesting. The other day I'm fun. Okay, that's a really good topic though to do stand up about. Isn't it really good? I am the other day I, man followed me home from my last day of Soho on the Thursday. Ew. Followed me home

from the bus stop and to almost my house but then I decided not to go to my house because it was like midnight and I didn't want to see where I lived. So I stood in this Shisha bar across the road and he just got his dick out and all the other men who were gambling around me just sat there while I waited for him to leave and eventually he left and I felt safe enough to go to my home but but after the like being scared being frustrated being angry being unsurprised and all of the other things I was sort of left with the question of what do you get from that what is that what is that for you it's a kink isn't it it's a part their brain that goes this is hot no it's not I don't think it's no it's it's it's it's an

absolute um addiction to the humiliation of women and that has become a really damaged part of male thinking of just like I've got to humiliate she's got to know that she is not she is not as valid on this planet as I am and I have a really high level of importance and it's entitlement it's fucking into that why men are so happy when I die on stage that's what Because they're like she's made an absolute whore of us have. Women to die on stage. I called the police on Friday night after a man demanded that I uncross my legs.

Are you fucking kidding? On the tube? Yeah. Ugh. I know. It's terrific. But we need. I was just me and him on the platform

and he just screamed at me over and over again to open my fucking legs. Oh, what a fucking gross. Well done. I know. Well, I just think we just need to keep because the police are like, well, there's not.

And it's like, yeah, but we've got those stats up. Yeah, that's the thing. As long as they've got stats up and then it's just sort of like this stop, this station, there's a problem. here you're right I just I can report it online you don't even have to put your name you can do it not but it's just so tricky when you like simultaneously you just seen the week

before fun chat guys the week before of like a series of text messages between police officers and you're like I'll be calling rapists about rapists yeah or like I'm calling sexual predators about predation I know what I just was like I can't talk about the way I feel at the moment is we need to bombard everyone continuously with what women are going through because it's so mental as well because because, like, you talk to guys about it and they just don't have, which, fair enough, but they don't.

Some of them don't even think it happens because they don't see it. But they don't have that kind of, they've just got no idea of what it is to live your life where you're just going, right, I can't run down this path by myself, I can't walk home by myself, or I have to try, oh, I've got on the tube, there's loads of men, let me just put my hood up, let me, you know,

raise my mask a bit higher, let me, you know, try and look as completely inconspicuous all the fucking time. And then we're doing comedy where we walk on stage, and straight away we have to go, we have to prove ourselves within seconds because we don't meet the image of what I'm reading. I have it with going into like news agents late and night. Like I'll be like in a city that I don't know

because I like trying to like and like oh shit I need to get a bottle of water to go back to the hotel because you know in hotels all the water's kept in this did you tell me this? No, no I didn't tell me this. Someone told me this. Hang on. They're pooing in the water. I feel like it was you.

So I always drink out of hotel taps like barbrooms. Watch that documentary or someone's what. Where did I learn it? It's that documentary. What was the documentary where they found the woman in the tank? What is where everyone? Everyone had been drinking the water. Oh, no, I did not like that.

And they were showering in the water, and it was brown. And they were going, this water is really weird. And they'd been drinking the water in the whole time a woman's body. As if you've ever drunk out of a bathroom tap at a hotel. What's this really? Of course you haven't. You're fine. I've been doing it until like three months ago.

Oh, no. I was like. So apparently it all goes into water. Yeah, but you still shower. I brush my teeth. I brush my teeth. She brushed her teeth. We still showering it.

You shouldn't do that. Because they're pooing it. Especially some of the hotels comedians get put in. Oh my good. in the Cardiff Glee one? It's owned by John Malkovich. Do you know that? I did not know that.

The hotel they put you in for the Cardiff Glee. It's called... No, it's the Nottingham one where literally the room's about the size of this table. I saw... I think there. This was a weird question. Have you been to like a dental hygienist? Yes.

Your teeth look so clean. But this was like... When was this? Like January I went, wasn't it? I told you about it. Well, then today, they look great. Look so clean. They do.

That's a nice. Your mouth looks like a little bumhole when you do that. But sorry. But you're making me feel better about what I would usually do after this kind of conversation is go away and be like, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't talk about the podcast. I shouldn't have to talk to it. Esther is just trying to tell us about their show.

But actually, you're right. Maybe we should be bumbley. Yeah. Everyone needs to talk about it. If a guy grabs your ass, tell the police. You don't have to call the police and sit down and file a report, but you can log it online and just bombard them with the fact that we're, absolutely I'm sick of it and it doesn't even have to be a stranger also if there's a guy that you know that has been harassing you or relationship gone wrong or whatever like a friend you can call up report them anonymously obviously they can't do anything with that but they can have their name on file a record so then if in the future inevitably these assholes continue someone else reports that they go oh we've actually got someone else we could and then they can start building up a case which is like something you can do where you only say what you feel comfortable

with because you don't owe them anything you don't owe them a kit you don't owe them blah blah blah and it's just reported okay it's so hard to do but it is also like I don't think people know about that service the amount of people I've told about who didn't know about it where do I sorry you don't if you're on the tube and a guy starts doing something you'll see a little number above the door just take a photo of that number because when you report it you can then type in the number say the time and then they'll be able to get CCTV footage wow that's really helpful see what the guy looks like it's mad that we have to live in a world where we're like I assume I'll need to report this but we will and

and it's so fucking exhausting and depressing and I think I had sort of lost my way a bit with it so that is good to know thank you very much but what's really nice though I actually can't wait to see your show and more like this kind of lighthearted dance no but it's not going away so I feel like we have to be talking about in all the spaces of this well it was weird because I did it for a couple of days in Edinburgh the show it's weird isn't it because we've been doing I've just realise my Edinburgh show starts with a joke about me wanking on the tube. Oh my god I've got a whole bit about

But I would report you now and that's amazing. No, no, we've still got female privilege right? We can still get a cuntlet on the tube and it's chill. I don't think... Are there other women in the tubes? If it's just men yes. Okay. But the fact is that no one... I haven't done it. I just like having option. But no one would feel scared of that.

They'd think it's gross and weird. You haven't seen it. You have not seen it. She's pissing on quite a big... It's intimidating. big part of my show where I'm like women would never do that and Helen's down the road at a different show going I actually haven't done it

it's just something that I have as an option Oh okay it's an option Helen is more of like a problem A toddler than a gender Do you know what I see Like a giant toddler She's a sexless toddler

A big sexless toddler No I actually like an over-sexed A big over-sexed sexless toddler Yeah because I was wanking Like I discovered my clit about like six five years old so I was pretty early Yeah

Are you having a nice time on our podcast? How do you remember when you discovered it? My mum, my mum tells me Oh, okay. Yeah, because I also was like I was like a nudist child as well Oh okay Like very like very comfortable.

Speaking of moms and clits What's your view on Mother's Day? Hyped? Am I hyped for Mother's Day? Or recorded this before but it'll come out after Mother's Day so you don't know what they'll have done for you But do they treat you well?

On Mother's Day Yeah. I don't think anything happens. Oh, no. I'll get, I'll get some kind of homemade gift. Oh, no.

That's cute. What? That's not okay. It's not from my husband. Oh, good, okay. No, that'd be really creepy. Does he get you something? No.

You pushed out babies. Yeah, I won't get anything from him, I don't think. But babies will give you like a beautiful, like babies will give me pasta, something that they've made, yeah. And you have to pretend to like it.

Oh, you like it, you like it, you like it, that's nice. You will like. My mom, the only thing. She didn't like that we gave her was a Poundland trip we went to for Mother's Day one year and we got her statue of three dolphins

jumping from Poundland and she was like even she was like that is fucking disgusting babies I hate her they make the kids going so at the school they make them go and choose a present for their mum and you can see that like with my daughter she will go and think about

what would mum like my son will literally just walk in and go that will do and I always get something that is totally not related to choose from where? Like, they just line up stuff that people have, that, um... Does everyone bring something in?

Like, people just contribute. Lost property? Essentially, I guess. Sorry, what? But I'll just get something. I got a mug which said world's perfect gentleman. And I'm like, that's my mother's day. Are you fucking kidding.

Actually gorgeous. And I'm like, you can just tell that he would have walked in and gone, she'll love that. Yeah, that'll be fine. Or he was like, yeah, she's a feminist. Like, I love that. My son is not a feminist. On International Women's Day,

He asked me when International Men's Day was. Or is he just a curious? No, he's a fucking fat. Yeah, he's sexist. He's a sexist prick. I'm really sorry. I hope you have a new bit about him in your show. Geez.

Fuck that guy. I was with him for the mug, but that'll, no. I was with him for the mug. Wait, what did your daughter get you from the Lost and Found then? From the Lost and Found. What did I get? I think I got a matching umbrella and tote bag. Oh my God.

That's adorable. That's adorable. Like Winnie the Pooh or... I think it was just like a checkered one. but my son just like that's cute yeah he just bowled in and he'll come home and it'll be like I don't know a golfer's hat or something and I'm like I don't see why that and what do you do when you run into the mother who initially lost the totes an umbrella it's not actually lost property Andrew has just completely thrown that in oh I really accepted that I know that makes things that people it's things that people it's things that I think it's like shops and stuff like local areas don't yeah don't that's cute but the kids get to go and buy it Isn't it just feel like pressure Like all I feel is like Yeah but also I've got like

Get my mum to go and buy it So it's pointless then isn't it I'm just buying me own mug saying that I'm a perfect gentleman That's lovely Oh yeah that's ridiculous You are the perfect gentleman You kind of are though Yeah I didn't touch your tit did I

That's true actually And you have a very flat chest And I have a very flat chest I've got washboard abs I swear you would have touched my teeth You have washed board abs No Can we just quickly finish this

Because I just feel like you have touched my teeth But thanks for thinking I could I did You wear so much sportswear No, it's because I've just come from ballet. Touch my breasts. I don't want to touch the room. Do you do ballet?

I do do ballet, yeah. I do terrible. I want to do ballet. Is an adult beginner? Yeah. That's amazing. Where do you do it? Pineapple.

I'm going to do this with Charlie Dinkin. I'll see you there. What, on Wednesday morning? Well, I don't know which mornings. Well, that's the one I do. You can hear Esther's fear that her beautiful class of ballet of relaxation time is going to be ruined by star comedians all arriving. No, I strongly feel that you should not see comedians in gym slash any sort of activity. Well, Janine Haruni was like, I'll come with you.

And I'm like, oh, God. She'll just be there, won't she? She'll spangily dangly, dangly. Fucking just doing pirouettes, landing on her feet. No, we don't need that in our life. Because me and ballet does look a little bit like Braveheart does ballet. Yeah, and that's, I imagine I won't be less that with my hair and vibe. But come and do it.

That sounds amazing. Okay, well, um. Wait, do you both have a ballet past? Like, are we just, I agree with, in my youth. For how long? For how long? She's doing. No, I, I, for about, about, 20 years.

About, yeah. About eight years. Until I left the Royal Academy of Dance. No, I did do the Royal Academy's Ballet Summer Camp. No, you did not. Yes, but I was very young. And I did it for, I then I moved into martial arts pretty fast and then never looked at that. Oh, so you'll be amazing at ballet.

No, because I'm actually very, um, I have low arches. So it's very hard for me to, and I, my, I have duck feet. So that's why I was so bad at it. I can't lift anything. He'll be like, lift your leg up and my foot goes about that far off the ground. He's like, any, any higher? Any higher? Any higher?

Do you go on pirouettes and do the paroets and do the point shoes and like I can't do point shoes that takes years no you can just buy them no yeah but they're not they just buy them and break your toes you just go in shop and then stand up straight yeah I'm gonna do mine tonight and we're running points Kate Winston did it in Titanic for a second she was so feminist of you yeah I love that it's like men keep creating these horrible atmospheres for women Esther moves to the side of the stage very very slowly amazing wait do you wear like two two no I wear this fuck sake it's pink can I take you shopping for a two two to then can I because I want to come for the first day of Catherine's adult

ballet class and take a picture outside like baby's first day when you say adult ballet class it does sound a little bit like adult nappy yeah it does my mum doesn't adult ballet class but they're all like is she in their 60s and 70s there's a woman who's in her 70s has she been doing it for you but my mum's been doing it her whole I turned up today and they were all literally like doing the splits and stuff and I just went up to the teacher and went, sorry, because I was doing ballet somewhere else and this is my first time doing it there.

And I was like, sorry, is this the beginners? And he went, yeah, and I went, like, the absolute beginners. And he was like, yeah, and I was like. Oh, for fuck's like, I can't do that. And they were all just like, oh, that's really obnoxious. And then he kept like having to come over

and like literally yank my leg into play. I'll help balance things out, I promise, I promise. You can't just bring worse people with you to make yourself look better. That's not how long you want to come ballo. Yeah, I'd love to. But I can do the splits. So I feel like you'll just be disappointed.

I can do the splits. So like I think it would be poised for the first time. I'm amazed. I don't think I could do ballet. I don't think I'd be able to do the like, my posture's really bad. My posture's bad.

Your posture's pretty bad. I mean, she just sat up straight. I've been like this the whole time. You do have massive boobs that won't help posturize. My mum wanted to be a dancer, but she was apparently the best in her class, but she couldn't do it because her tips were too big. How big are you?

Feels like a very Anne-bearer story. What, do you know the size? Yeah. Thank you for asking. It was a 30A and now I'm a 40G. 40G? Yeah. What do you think Esther is?

She's very good at this by the way. Minimiser on? I need to touch. That's the thing and I feel like Esther's just not wanting it. You can if you want. This is her time. Minimizer. Yeah, sportswear.

Okay, that's enough touching. Okay, you're a 30C. 30C? Yeah. Now I'm a 32 C. Fuck! No! I'm so nearly said 32.

But I used to be. You tried to flatter her. You tried to flatter her and you got it wrong. No, that is a 30. You're a size. You're actually wrong. I used to be a 30. You are still a 30, my love.

But after pregnancy, my ribs got wider and I went up to a 32. I think you're back down again. I think you need to, yep, you need to go and get a resizing. I'm not lying. This is her, like, it's her superpower. She's guessed everybody right. She's guessed everyone right. You need to go back and get a resizing.

I'm telling you. That's really creepy. me out thank you it's honestly it's her gift okay now for tampon size oh my god I mean I know you you're a super extra heavy flow like fucking lilette and you thumb it up with your finger yeah you don't even need an applicator she's a fucking hero am I don't wear period pants now I wear period pants shut up I've got them as well but my cut's too high up I think they're amazing yeah they're insane um I use the tampon for like the first two days and then just period pants I wrist it and I didn't put anything in for the first day. But you think that you'll be, I thought I'd be sitting down

it'll be like every time I sat down. No. It just absorbs the blood. It's like it's mental. And then when you rinse the pants, because I rinse them out of interest. What if I was wearing today? Like I'm wearing cream trousers. Maybe fine. I wouldn't do that. I don't feel like you're a good friend, Esther. Why? Do you think that I would be fine in my cream trousers with period pants? Oh, maybe not. Okay. I don't think anyone would wear cream trousers. But I just feel that you're a very light periody women, woman. Well, I don't know anymore because I've had the coil for 10 years. but I'm about to get maybe thinking about getting it out

and trying to see what I'm at but I haven't had one in 10 years Is like periody woman a compliment I took it as one I thought it sounded like one I took it as one It's like it feels very controlled Like I only let out a little bit when I'm ready

Yeah I just cough and then out comes the egg And I'm done What do I feel like to you? You're like me Messy It's like a tsunami for two days A lot of brown And it's just everywhere

I just got blood on my face Yeah I once leaked all over my bed And my husband literally for the whole old day was just looking at me really suspiciously like how are you alive oh yes like when I was a teenager it was mad the amount of blood that would come out of me I'd wake up in the morning and I'd be like it's horrific at school and you'd stand up off the science stall and there'd just be blood all over the science store and you'll have just got to go back to lost property get me started get my perfect

gentleman mug and I'll be on your way if only you'd put that on the stool first at school I was like I had tampons then I would try and put a pad in oh I didn't wear tampons then oh see I broke my hymen on one moment when I was like 11. How did you know when your home is? I feel like I really don't know my body. I don't know, she knows too much. She knows too much.

She knows too much. She wants, we did a gig together once, you and I in St. Albans, and she was like, you know, we've gigs so, we've done all the worst gigs together. We did like open mic together. Like, we were like in the shit. And you, um, you went to me,

you know when you put your hair brush up, your fanny to see how deep it is. Huh? I remember when I was trying to. And I was like, I thought my vagina got deep. Why not a ruler? If you're going to measure it, don't do either.

Don't do either. Because you can see the moisture line. Like when you're doing a water table test. And you can, hello? Andrew? What happens? Why are you right? Don't say moisture line.

Make a song. I actually have a headache from that. That's really bad. I have a headache. I have a headache. It's a moist area of the body. Oh, I don't like it. So on my hairbrush, I could.

Please stop it. I had a trucemae paddle brush. In Sources Cathedral, there's a stone that you can take out the stone and then they put a big stick into the ground and that's how they see where the, because it's on a floodplain. Yeah, it's a water table. Yeah. So I tested the water table of my cunt.

Hello? My dad wanted to. Oh my God. My dad wanted his plan when he got made redundant was to dig down to the water table in Fleet, my hometown. That was his like big dream. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And he was like, I'm going to dig down to the water table. And he got about a week in to dig in his hole to like go down to it. And then he found out that another husband in the town had already done it. It was like one meter or something, blah, blah, blah. And he went, oh, so we got a new job. He didn't know what else to do. Aren't you and your family so lucky he found out that fact? You could be living in the ground now.

You could be water babies. The thing that saved the marriage. But she was like, right, if you're not doing the water table thing, then you can get a job, but you're fucking. gone, sunshine. But he really wanted to find it out for himself. Your hairbrush story. Then, well, no, it didn't inspire it

because I did the hairbrush thing when I was like 10, but I was doing it. So then six years ago, I wanted to know if it got deeper because I've had a lot of sex since I first. You did this as an adult? You did this as an adult. Yet to check the depth.

You'd had a lot of sex. So like, I first measured it when I was like, I mean, like not like an insane amount, but like enough to sort of be like, I would assume it's been stretched out. Do you know what I mean? Did you mark it like a doorframe height kind of checker? Yeah.

No, I had the same hairbrush when I was 10. That's fucking disgusting. I was just all like that's the part. That's gross. What am I going to do? Go one of those legs of pointers and put it up there so I can fucking work out the exact dimension.

So you use the same hairbrush. I don't want to be the feminist that sort of like screams at other women, but men all know the length of their dicks. Why don't we know the depth of our vaginas? I don't know the length of my dick. Thank you, Andrew. That's not really helpful right now, is it?

Also, I know the length of my dick. I can feel it by just touching. Do you want to know the length of your dick? Let me in. I know the length of my dick, but not the depth of my vogue. The length of my dick depends on how elasticated my vaginal lips feeling that day. Well, like how... I don't know when I should still be here.

I feel like whenever I say something. She stretches her vaginal lips. You know, when you're like... Don't do that. What are you doing? Why, just to see how long they can... No. How hell. Also, can I just wait?

Do you want to swap places? Hang on. And you stretch them for what reason to go around stuff? No, just the sea. Let's stretch over a bottle. Like, you know when you're born and there's nothing on the telly and you've read a book? Don't do that.

I'm just going to say that. Is Sunil okay? Or is he currently in your vagina? No, he wants to meet out. Does he really? No, he doesn't know. I would totally. You sound just like it makes sense.

I would understand. Yeah, but I'm, no, my, my, I was just going to say that gravity, gravity will stretch those enough, my darling. over the years. Yeah, don't keep putting it. Actually, me and Cineau did have a fight yesterday. About what? I forgot about this.

About your vouch. So we were out drinking together at Friends drinks after previews. By the way, lovely listeners come to the previews. Very, very nice. Two girls from a hometown found out. Really fucking pleasing. So thank you for telling me that, babe. A girl that I used to go to school,

came to the show that I was doing at Soho, and I haven't seen her since school. So we ended up, I just kept referencing her. And then I'd go, oh, like, because at school, Drimba, so and so. And she was like, oh my God, yeah. And I was like, so what they're doing now? The rest of the audience, I'm like, oh, no, sorry.

That's exactly what happened, though. I was just all, like, having, like, a mini catch-up. Then it was really useful because then I was, like, talking about things, and I could, like, get them to, like, prove it. Yeah, so she was validating stuff that was saying. She was like, yeah, that it did happen. And I was like, see? Because you're always worried about, like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And then it's like, no, no, no, this was the thing. So what did you fight with Sunilva? Okay, so basically, I am, I'm going through a bit of a hitler podcast phase. But, like, the early years. Wait, how many did he make? I'm on that it's like I thought he just made movies I'm on like episode 12

they're an hour long age I really thought he just made documentaries Hitler yeah how many no he did a podcast he recorded it from his bunker no he didn't do one himself

someone's talking about him that would be fucking sick though if he did record a podcast wouldn't it like Nick in the gross repulsive way sick in the gross way sick in the gross way

so you listen to podcasts about Hitler yeah all all dictators actually did an idiomine one the other day because I thought he just put his wife's head in the cooler but there was so much more to it oh they had an awful

time over there. Yeah. Yeah, terrible stuff. So Hitler and I've been... Foxy. By the way, I've learned so many fascinating things about Hitler. You know how he was like the working man's politician? And then he was like... Absolutely not. That was how we got elected. Sorry, I'm actually

really into German history and I think I know this more than you guys do. I have a history degree in European history. No, she's challenging me. But no, I think I'm challenging the use of the phrase. So he sold himself as the working... There we go. Okay. What did I say? You know how he's like the working man's politician.

So he sold himself as a working man and he was like, I've had it harder at a book, my struggle. Like, obviously he was like, tried to sell of that. But then he, um, he always refers back to like, I was a struggling artist. I was struggling. I was struggling.

I had no money. But his mum was actually paying his rent and buying him off a ticket to go and hang out with people. And it just really reminded me of all the people that we know in the arts, like, I'm struggling. It's really awful. And it's like, your mom pays your rent, you fucking asshole. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I just sort of like, but I would have been like, does that mean Hitler? Like I just made a lot of jumps in my head. There's a lot of faux working class energy. Yeah, but Hitler was like the OG of that. Interesting.

Hitler was the first one to be like me and Fata just put out a little taste of thing. I saw it, I saw it. And I got, they said two working class comics. I was going to call you about that. And I said that about a million times during film. That's so annoying. Yeah.

But then, but it worked out. It worked out because the podcast. that they were trying to get us to compete against was like so oh yeah no no sure but I just think I just think labeling people on their behalf in relationship in relation to I thought it would have been like interesting for us to be like because I kept saying I'm middle class and then Fatter was arguing no you can't be middle class because you've got like an Essex accent and so we were having like loads of really interesting chat about class but I guess for I don't know but yeah but I had this for my first show I got reviewed as working class I think twice or

three times to the point where I said in my show like eight times right that I was middle class but I even said it when they were saying that like I was like no no I'm middle class and it's like I think people make a lot of at the Pleasants you're fucking not yeah I think I think a lot of people make an effort and go free fringe yeah I think a lot of people make assumptions like because I'll talk about my mum coming off a council estate or the fact that I've got an Essex accent but doesn't mean I'm working class yeah but that's it my parents come from council of the houses yeah and but I think that means I'm like more I'm like you don't get to throw

word around i don't i like it's like not like you have to earn it but you don't you don't you don't fucking get to use it like yeah like it's oh so my agent thought they thought i was working class because my dad works and poo and i was doing that bit about him pooing in the shower and pushing it down with his big toe waffle stomping and that's and that's what made them think that you're working class and then she was like oh i think because your dad works and poo he's working class but it's like poo pays good you know what i mean yeah poop there's money in poo there's always going to be shit i mean we were very much just like your bog stand did semi-detached house but we definitely had more than people who were having to work two jobs

yeah each pair we didn't go through what Hitler went through is we didn't go through my dad did work two jobs three sometimes yeah yeah so that we could be middle class and then middle class yeah yeah my dad's lazy just did poo no my dad nobody should have to work three jobs to they put it on on the youth on the YouTube channel they put it as two working class comedians and then and then they've changed they've changed that now good what are they changed the actual just two comedians middle class bitch. Middle class whores!

I think it's fine. Anyway, look, me and to Neil Ford because I was listening to my Hitler podcast in the bathroom late a night and he was trying to sleep. And he was like, all I can hear is stuff about gerbils and his wife. And I was like, I'd like to apologize for that.

So you were listening to your podcast. You need to get speakers put in your bathroom. Yeah. No, I don't think he'd like that. I've got a shower radio, which Bluetooth there, but that's just for Sing-Songy showers. When I came back from Edinburgh, my husband had installed

a wet room with a disco light and installed speakers. Oh, Neil is the fucking buzz! And calls it disco shower. So I was like, just to point out, we've now got two small children sliding around a tiled room with a disco light on. Did you propose again? I'd have proposed again.

And disco music. And they will die. And he was like, but look how much fun they have. And they literally just slide around the shrimp naked with a disco light on. To YMCA. To YMCA. They will. Did they have the best time?

They do like disco shower. They're like, woohoo, disco shower. Can I come over in a shower? Yeah, yeah. Not with my children. No, obviously. They shouldn't be on your own. I would love to have a disco shower by myself.

Yeah, you could have a disco shower. Just me that's like a third Reich podcast. No, no, no, no. No, we don't want, we don't want that. But maybe like music, like normal people. So actually a really good podcast called the real dictators and I highly recommend it. Who else is on the real?

Gaddafi. Oh, Gaddafi. No. I thought that deserved. Francisco, something. Who's a very good-looking Spanish one? Oh, my God. Loads of them are such good-looking ones.

Franco? Yeah. Mussolini. I don't think Mussolini's on it yet. Hussein? I don't think Stalin's on it yet. Don't think Hussein's on it yet. Putin will be soon, I see.

Putin will be soon. Pol Pot? Not on it yet. No, they do like a really intense deep dive into their back history and stuff. Okay. You know, one of Idiarmine's wives literally just like died recently, but she's working as a hairdresser in North London. Jesus.

Wow. How many wives did you have? Oh my God, it's literally still disputed, but about 9-10. Whoa. Yeah. I have to get the energy. Indeed, it's got a lot on. Esther, Mnito, thank you so much for doing our podcast.

Oh, thanks for having me. I feel like you did not mean that at all. I'm so far that it's been as it is, and indeed as it was. But now you know your brow size. Yeah, I'd go in my mouth size. You know your top five favorite foods. Low middle class. You know your class bracket.

You know your favorite food. You know your brawl size. size 30 30 what is it 30 you're 30 see I never wear bras though I need to probably get a bra Lily Phillips made me buy a bra because she was like why the hell wouldn't she does the same to me and then she made me get a bra and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me I was like this is awful I want this sorry you gonna see this one it's non underwired I don't want that she needs new ones she needs no she needs none of them are the color they originally

were intended to be no but also I'd believe you oh no I'm okay it's always Please. It's got that very blue box. You must get backache though. Yeah. I think I do, but I just, I don't know. I don't know if it. If you've never not had it, I suppose.

I bet you're hyperflexible. What does that mean? I bet like your muscles don't tense up. I've never been tense. That's why she can do the splits. Yeah. Esther, please. Talk about her like she's not here.

That's why she's like that. It is. Where can people find you on the internet? They can find me at Estiminito on Twitter and. Instagram. And actually, Esther's Instagram was annoyingly closed down. So if you thought you followed her, make sure you do, that's very important. I lost all my followers. Yes, so please

go follow her. Yes. And then and then if they want to come see you in Edinburgh, they'll come to see you at the Gilded Balloon at 7.30. 730. Hashtag not all men. And in the meantime, is there anything else you'd like to promote? You can listen to my podcast with Lily Phillips, ghastly women. Yeah. Oh, they already listen to a lady podcast. Oh,

sorry. No, but there's just like about gross women where ours is like fancy Ours is much more. Yeah. Yeah. Ours is about women that do horrible things. Ew. Not ours.

Yeah. That sounds amazing. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. I'm going to listen. Except every way I like, she's a woman who's like a serial killer and then Lily will be like,

I found this really annoying woman on Instagram. And I'm like, that actually covers both bases that I mean. That's fine. But also I really glad that you're talking about women who kill because like not enough people do it. I know. It's always like men who kill.

But like we do it too and like give us a fucking like space in the sun. And women who are really addicted to making their children ill. That's my family. My family. Thank you. Have you watched Sharp Objects? Have you watched Sharp Objects? No.

Amy Adams. Oh my God. Oh my God. I can trigger warning for self-harm, but holy shit. But it's so good. I'm going to watch it. And the girl that plays Beth and Little Women.

I love Amy. It's on Amazon. I can't say it. I love a Brum. Yeah, watch on Now TV. Now TV. It's so good. Munchausen's by Proxie.

And also have you seen Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's fucking flawless. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for doing our podcast. Thank you.

Can you. Talk about Montchalances by proxy with us. Sorry? Just come back on and talk about Montreal. I can't believe we didn't talk about this already. I love. That's like my favorite condition of all conditions.

Oh, me. Thank you, Esther. Yeah. I earned my degree online at Arizona State University. I chose to get my degree at ASU because I knew that I'd get a quality education. They were recognized for excellence and that I would be prepared for the workforce upon graduating. To be associated with ASU, both as a student and alum, it makes me extremely proud and having experienced the program, I know now that I'm set up for success.

Learn more at ASUonline.asu.org.org.org.com.com.