Trusty Hogs - Ep27. STEPHEN BAILEY / Heckles, Homophobia & Horrible Bosses

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

The brilliant Stephen Bailey joins us this week for a super fun chat and some great problem solving, that spills into the extras it's so good!Stephen has his own podcast "Let's Talk About the Husband" with Zoe Lyons and can be seen on shows like Live at the Apollo, Would I Lie to You?, Love Island: Aftersun, Celebs on the Farm, and many more...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Sarah & Molly / Melissa DunkeldWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hello and welcome to episode 28. We're not doing a singing intro. Hello, it's episode 28 of Tristy Hoggs, the podcast. We're delighted to have you here, please. The podcast. We'll be speaking from now. Hi, it's Catherine. I really, part of me believed that you were going to join in the song.

A tiny part of me did, though. M, did you not think for a second there was like a chance she'd harmonize with me? I know, but I just think. Thank you, Em. Fog, step forth the trusty hogs Yeah, you're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't

And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Hello, welcome to Justy Hoggs

Episode 28, the podcast where we tell you about frankly our, what, two perfect lives? Thriving, thriving being. It's crazy. It's like, wow. You know, you're, you talk about a binge, I talk about a breakup, classic. We need to fucking shake it up, don't we? Ideally, you'd binge and I'd have a breakup.

Just one time, you know what I mean? One break up, one. We could just try it, we could try it. It's something to think about. And then we solve your problems. Yeah? What, like, is M your girlfriend? Dump me.

Sorry, Helen, we're not getting out anymore. Wait, I've got a cookie somewhere. I should eat it. Unfortunately, it's not a binge because I've already eaten the rest of them. So, no, I do want that for later. I don't know why it is that. Welcome to Trustee Hog. Welcome to Trustee Hogg.

Now, tell me honest, tell me true. I think of you as an organisational goddess. We all do. We all do. We all look up to you. We respect you. Not physically, of course, but mentally. Of course,

100% like respect. Yeah, thank you. You got given the ultimate organises task. Oh, you want? We're diving right in. I have to know. I have to know. Okay.

My best friend, Georgie. I love her. I love her so much. She's one of my favorite, she's my favorite person. She's your favorite person. I love her so much. She's so good to me.

And she's getting married to, which is weird. It's weird when your soulmate gets married to, like, another person. So you're giving her. away, yeah. Well, it feels like he's taking her away, but I'm whatever. Taking, okay. Yeah, it's mad.

By taking her away, I mean, they'll continue to live at the end of my road and we've agreed to never move farther than five minutes walk from one another. So, taking her away isn't particular, the point is. It's super healthy. It's not codependent at all. No, he's giving her another place to sleep and that's not.

But her main bed will always be with you. So yeah, she's getting married and so I'm her bridesma. I'm her bridesmaid and so we organized a hendu and i was very proud of the of the curriculum i put together frankly i feel like it was something for everyone yeah i mean i've never been to hendu before can you imagine the stress of that plan a hendu never been to one i just don't understand how you've managed to get to this point not going to one oh my friends are queer queer people do hendos no maybe in their

40s like really yeah like who's getting like i'm so young i'm way too young to be married as queer person. Okay, right. New narrative for me, by the way. New narrative for me. This is my new thing I'm saying now that I'm heartbroken. It's actually, it'll be weird

for a queer person to be married now. So don't write in and tell us that you are if you are. Age 32, I'd be like a child bride. It's fucking matter. But with queer people, it would be like even weirder. I'd be like an infant bride. Yeah, it's great.

Okay, good to know. Good to know. Yeah, yeah. So it's fine. Okay, so queer people. I'm totally on track. Everything's fine. So Georgie is getting married though,

even though she's younger than me. And that's fine and I'm delighted about it. Much younger, so much younger. Okay. Yeah. All right. Okay. I was the oldest person at the Hendo.

I was the only single person at the Hendo. Oh, my, I mean. It's okay. It's okay. No, but I've been, it's okay. But I fucking organized it. And those people with their happy lives had a great time.

Okay. So what we did was, do want to hear about my family? We do like to hear what you organize, Catherine. But in this tone. So, Friday night. George loved pizza so we ordered pizzas in from the best place and then we um I had Andrew I interviewed Tom her husband to be

and I had Andrew edited down to the most phenomenally edited version of Mr and Mrs Andrew was like I don't think it'll take that much editing and then it was like actually Georgie's marrying like an unbelievably thoughtful man who actually spent like 30 seconds pondering each answer with great considerations so there was mainly editing him being like oh gosh hmm really lovely thoughtful stuff

wanted to get it all perfectly correct. Can I tell you he smashed the gig, by the way? Like, honestly, his answers were perfection. He was both respectful and funny. It was amazing. No, that is impossible to do in the games of Mr. and Misses. It was impossible. Unbelievable.

Any question I asked him about sex, he said, no, I won't be answering that. Are you fucking kidding? I know. And also, she didn't, she didn't back him to be that respectful. So she obviously, like, said all the answer. Not even the fun, multiple choice sex questions? Like, how many times is a condom snapped on you? A snapped.

A condom snap. Is it rigid? No, you know when a condom snaps? and it brings some... What? Hello? Okay. It does.

It does. We played Mr. and Mrs. And then we played a competitive drawing round where they had two minutes to draw something and Georgie got to judge the best drawing. So like Tom's ass. Nice. One very particularly accurate one from a member of the Hendo that was actually made me think that it felt like she'd seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the shadowing was done correctly. There was a mole in exactly the right place. It was crazy. Yeah. We were all like... Oh, okay. I think look into 100%. Yeah, I mean, for sure, I think Georgie should be jealous.

I mean, get a pissed at the wedding and do some questioning. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But these are all clever lawyers. Like, I'll bet they, the point is, the ass was too familiar. And then we had all of her favorite food in. She had a crown, she had balloons. She had... A balloon crown?

No. Oh, no, like a flower crown. Okay. Her friends sent 12, which people are amazing. one of her friends they're also successful sent 12 bottles of champagne to the hendu

and they're all really good champagne so I was like what the hell is this it's amazing and we just had a great time and then the next morning we got up we went for a long lunch at the educated flea in Edinburgh

divine such good food and then after two hours of that her brothers show up with the first clue in a treasure trail around Edinburgh where the clues are all based on

Georgie's love life. Oh my God, it's so good. Yes. So good. We had to take photos to say, oh my God, also her mom and her brother wrote these convoluted clues

where Cupid had captured her mother and was holding her, like, kidnapped her. Oh, wow, so you went for a narrative. A narrative art. Oh, full narrative. It was so exciting. And that involved going to the cat cafe.

It involved going to the Mario Carp bar in Edinburgh, stuff that Georgie loves. So Cupid went to her mom's house. Yeah, held her camera. Held her captive, why? Wouldn't release her until we answered the riddles that were the clues. And why was Cupert doing that?

I'm just saying, I don't think the narrative sounds good. I don't sound like, what's the motivation? I can't remember I was very drunk. Like there was drinking at every stall. You scavengered pissed? We went, oh my God, we were so drunk. Do not drink and drive, do not scavenger pissed. You know the rules.

We scavengered pissed. I had so many drinks. Holy shit. Then we went back for a. cheeseboard and wine. See, this is when I struggle at Hendoos is the activities after the drinking. I always start flagging.

And people, there are some mad fucking cunt women out there. That's why I planned it this way, right? So we started with lunch, big, so big like proper carbloat. Then everybody scavenged and drank for four hours, at which point I left a little bit early. When they came back, they had two hours to rest and just eat as much fucking cheese as they could and a little bit of red wine if they wanted.

And everybody had a rest and had a carbloat. Then we went to, oh, what's it called? Fountain Park and we did... Tiger Tiger. No, we did Cosmic Bowling. Turns out... Wait, what's that when you used your star sign to hit the pins down?

No, I know, and yeah, they give you your fate, if only. No, it's actually where they put it in the dark and then they light up the pins, and it's so fucking... Fuck off, like Neo-Minigo! Truly, the bowling was a surprise hit. These, it turns out high-powered women, when drunk, are deeply competitive. Oh, yeah, their lawyers, no.

Deep, yeah, deeply competitive. My God, the place was a wash with, like, ambition and high-powered bowling. And we had a good time. It was great. And then he came back and then Georgie loves karaoke.

So we did Sing Star. Yes, please. And she sang all of Le Miserables and all of, she cast that herself as well. She gave all the parts. She didn't want to other people. Then she took all the good ones for herself from what I could tell.

Oh, so she was Jean Valjean and Jav. I, you'd have to ask her, The confrontation of the solo is a fucking... Okay, well, like, it's my truth and it's an amazing song. And then she was going to bed at half one. By the way, I bet it at like 12 o'clock at this point. Yeah, that feels right for you.

I slept next door, because that's how tired I was, to all this karaoke, didn't hear any of it. I was exhausted. You had a long day scavenging. Sure, and I'd had a breakup that week. I was all tuck it out. You got to sleep when you sleep. And so we, but apparently, like,

this is how well her friends know her. They heard her going to bed, so somebody just casually, put on Hamilton, which is like a red flag to Georgie, right? She was like to a ball, as in she lived who was out there, and she did the whole thing apparently. She sang the whole of Hamilton.

That's a hard catalogue to get through. She did it. She did it. I get breathless by Byrne. Yeah, she had a great time. I don't know what that is. And then she how are we friends? I don't know. We can't relate to each other at all. It's so frustrating. But Penelope says we have more in common

than we have air differences. Now. Yeah, Penelope was mental. she's a woman who gets paid to tell people's futures the point is and then Sunday which actually was a stroke of genius on my part the one part I was proudest

about their hen planning was Sunday people were fucking wrecked obviously yeah spa before you go home everyone heads to the spa come on

thank you come on like if you're doing a three day hen weekend past day should be a facial or a massage but like in separate chairs separate rooms you had a moment

to yourself, you would use the saunas, you could use the pool, and then we finished with afternoon tea with her mom, and everybody headed home. It was great. I'm sorry, that is so dignified and so classy. Thank you. To be able to get to that level where you're like, no, this is what we're doing. I think

it also comes with being like, Georgie's friends are rich lawyers. So I can plan a nice... Oh, it does help when people, like, when everybody's like, I mean, I don't know how the child brides do it because when like, you need everyone to be on a decent wage in order to be able to be like, here, can you do this. Right? Everyone assumed

we should pay for lunch and stuff. Like nobody even said, shall we run? Mad. Everyone was willing to do the whole bill. People asked for the bill. I respect these women. People weren't, no one was sneaking to the bathroom, hoping somebody else would ask, waiting to see what would happen. These people, like,

like, people fought over who they should, who should buy the rounds. I was like... And lawyers get shit reputation, but fuck me, do they do their jobs? Also, was there still like the mad cunt of the hendu though I always feel like whenever I've gone on a hendo

there's one woman who fucking outlasts everyone everyone's like I'm done I'm ready for bed I think it was Georgie I think Georgie was the mad cund of her own hander you can't be the bride mad cun when they're just like everyone's like

okay well yeah we're sort of like get into the deeper meaningful people are trailing off to bed and one woman they're like let's go fucking let's go find a man and just like look at his dick let's like let's go How about we just go fucking, let's just climb a tower and jump off? No, there was nobody like that, but the person he was like...

They usually called Liv. Like, Livier? No lives. No lives. No lives. No lives. No lives. Oh, we're going to different handies. I think we are. I think we are. Like the Mad Cund was just like, I think I'll finish out this musical and they head to bed. It's a good musical.

You know, it was, but it was Georgie both times. Honestly, you crushed it. I wouldn't expect anything less of you. Thank you. And also, I feel like, because you are going through this changing chapter in your life, you're the organising woman. I'm so resentfully going through this changing chapter in my life. But I feel like you're discovering walking.

We're both getting into our old lady. Oh my God, we really are. No, but I'm only happy about it because I came to you this morning and I was like, guess who's going to sign up for aqua aerobics? And you went, I love walking. I love walking and I can't talk about my new old lady habit. But that makes me feel great. I think you should do water aerobics.

I've taken to just taking a couple of turns around my local park in the morning. I think promenading's not done enough. Is that the thing where you like leave your house in the morning when you work from home to trick yourself to thinking you're going to work and then you go back home? Basically, yeah. And also to trick yourself, like to kind of convince myself that I could leave the house.

Oh yeah. Like it's an option? Yeah. I mean it's not, but I could. And do you feel like when you're walking, you're getting the exercise endorphins? No, because like I'm just about getting around the park. You know, like I kind of like,

it's like as I wake up, I'm like, coming around. No, but, you know, I go outside. That feels like a progress. But it's good, gentle exercise, but I'm like, I want exercise endorphins. Luckily, I'm so unfit. I get it from standing up sometimes. I'm like, oh, someone's feeling sunny in the mind. Good morning. But I feel like aqua aerobics. Have you ever done it before? No, but I've seen it. Okay, I just worry about, I worry that you know that. You're not supposed to splash each other. Yeah, I was going to say, you know, it's not a competition. right?

No, what... You know, you don't have to like dance in formation like you can't be given out to the other women if they get it wrong. Why are they getting it wrong? Okay, I'm just saying like

you're not, you don't have to say that. But isn't it like you're just in water and then you're like this? Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah, and then you get like pool noodles. Remember pool noodles?

I just have a big... I just remember 13 and they were like in between your legs. 13? Oh my God. Do you remember that though? Please make a stop. Come on. No. For me, my local pool,

shout out to the heart leisure center. I could fully swim at 13. was just, yeah, I could swim at 13 too, but you get the floaties out and it was just like loads of like girls and boys just being like, oh, this is fucking amazing. Like, maybe I was a fleet thing. I always wonder whether it's a you thing.

No, no, we were all fucking losing our minds in the pool. Poolie was amazing. We fucking love boolee and flea. Okay, well, you can't do that in water or a rubber designer. No, I want to, basically, I want an exercise that... Do you have a pool near you? You can do this at? Yes, I do.

It's like literally like, Do it. 10 minute walk. Do it. And I just think like I want an exercise that's like fun as well as being like like an event. Yeah. You know, not just sort of like, oh, I should do some. Oh, God, what have I gone through phases before?

Like I did jogging ages ago, but like, oh, sit-ups. Oh, no. Like when you're like, oh, I could do it any time and it becomes this pressure. Where instead getting a cool little pool bag. Yeah. And I want to get one of those ones you have when you were a kid. You know, like the little. I love this.

for you. Jelly shoes maybe? Huh? Jelly shoes maybe? Right. Right. I had not even thought about that. Yeah. I think jelly shoes, cute swim bag. And also, you know, aquaerobics? Maybe it's the same way I've ever seen... When I've seen aquorobics depicted, it's usually like comedy sketches.

God, they're fucking massive, aren't they? And it's loads of like, yeah. And it's loads of, um, like, it's usually large women and they're all just sort of like bobbing around. but like everything's under water but because like tits flow and then all just like and I think I think I would find that quite funny not the other way actually no

I think I'd find this as a group of women also how great would it be if like I was in like a big lady class and we all got in together and the water overflowed like I know that's like a really like old school fat joke but like if we all got in and we're all like oh Gene Kath Helen come on and we get in and it goes

do you think that they graded by weight what do you mean like the big girl class how do you get in the big girl class do you mean yeah like I just like do they call it that I reckon you'd show up and they'd be like what big girls aqua rovics

and they'd be like yeah and they'll be like come back tomorrow at two I think they all just old girls I think because it's easy on the knee yeah yeah I do think they're mainly just all old girls but I think you'd actually do well with a group of old women I think I'd have like I'd make a good new

group of buddies who would be like... You have to use your indoor voice. In a pool? God forbid. Yeah, I think you would. You mustn't. You simply mustn't. I think you'd have to.

No, famously. Indoor pool, I think you'd have to. It's a sound that you have to. Well, then I hope they take their hearing aids out. They will have to get in the pool. Oh, then it's fine. Then speak normally. And then I don't know if the instructors in the water with us are standing at the front.

They stand at the front. They don't get in. Oh. Everyone has to be able to see them. Not everyone's as tall as you, babe. Oh, you're going to have to stand at the back, by the way. These old ones won't be able to see over you. Oh, I'm going to put at the back of the Big Girls Club.

You are, I'm sorry. I want to do this, I want to punch, I want to jump, I want to pull noodle. I think you should do it. I know. And also film it and also send me clips. You can't film it. I don't have a GoPro. Oh, do you want me to come and film?

Yeah. Could you imagine? Just, I was sorry, I just brought my really hot thin friend to watch Big Girls Aquas Aquino. You're doing amazing, sweetie. That's it. Bounce, Helen. Bounce, bounce! All of us just getting here in our face with our tips.

Wave! I'd love to. She doesn't want to sleep with men anymore. You'll go back to men within an hour of watching big girls aqua aerobics. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. Oh my God, please. And then you could meet me afterwards in the changing rooms.

And then you could do that thing. You know when like mums are like refusing to pay for the hair dryers. So they just take you to the toilets and they press the, uh... Yes. And so you just put me under the hand dryers. I'd love to do that. And you could just hold me up. Like, ugh.

And then also I could be like one thing from the vending machine. you can have one thing one thing for the vending machine one thing drink your water well i'll take the grab bag of mortisers do they have them at your local you know those ones there's like big one pound bags oh i can do that for you yeah i mean i don't know i haven't gone to the swimming pool yeah well let's go let's check out the vending machine at least we do already on the vending machine i did go there once to get a wax what there's a woman that wax people at the top of my in the pool leisure centre, not in the pool, like above the pool. Yeah, I thought that was weird as well.

So I'm glad this reaction came through. Sorry. I didn't go back. I mean, in a way, she's a genius, right? Because when do you think most about needing a wax? When you're headed to the pool. But where do you least want to have a wax? It was very odd.

At the pool, I think. Yeah, because I arrived and I was like, like, killing up with all these kids for this. I'm less. It's a smell of chlorine in there. Yeah, and I went to the reception. I was like, I'm here for a while. wax and she was like okay and I get an elevator and got up two floors it's also a bit like

it feels like selling ketchup at a sausage factory I don't know it's just like I don't want to see how it's made I'll be genius do you know what you imagine selling ketchup or chocolate uh chocolate and a sausage factory I don't know that you should see how the sausage gets made at the pool they could put ketchup inside the sausage so when you bite into it the ketchup comes out so it's all hot that's disgusting hot Hot catchy, hot catchy and the version. I really don't like that. I don't like that at all.

Hey, um, we should probably bring on our guest. I'm not, I'm bringing on the guest. Let's bring on our guest. Let's bring on our guest. And this week's guest is divine. So divine. Also, just really quickly, like, I actually really think like ketchup and sausage thing is great. So if anyone's listening to this and you want to start it, like, do you message me.

No, no, no. I just don't want to become one of those things where it's like we see it in years to come. And I'm like, for fuck, like. Can I give you a little bit of homework? Yeah. Can you please do one of those classes and tell us about it on the next episode? Yeah. Thank you.

Okay, great. I'm so excited. Feel free to like... Prepare to see a whole new me next week. I'm excited. We'll have to get me a smaller chair. Okay, we can do that. But yes, I think our guest is amazing.

He's one of those comics where whenever I'm on the weekend, I'm so thrilled he's there. Because it's like, okay, it's going to be a lovely time. We're going to have some daytime wine. It's going to be great. You say that, but once I wasn't on a weekend away with Stephen. Oh. And he was like, are you in, are you in like Bristol or whatever? I think I can hear you in my hotel.

I was like, no. that's not me. That's just another loud woman down the hallway. I was in fucking London. I was like, go fuck yourself. Are you very good and just hear you from London? Wow. Okay. It's Stephen Bailey. Yay.

Too slow. Hi. I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has given us a five star rating and review so far on iTunes who has commented and liked on our videos on YouTube. It makes such a difference because we are a baby podcast we are producing it ourselves and we really appreciate it and we would ask you if you haven't done it already please do just chuck out some likes

and makes a massive difference to us and being able to keep doing it only five star reviews please we've got some gorgeous ones and we love reading them let's not let's just let's forget about the one bad one let's forget about it please keep telling us that you love the oinks it makes my world feel complete i hate it what we found really works is if you do really enjoy the podcast and you're not able to support us in any other way. Supporting us by listening is amazing and please tell five friends and family members about it this week and it makes such a huge difference. Massive and all, as does sharing our videos on Twitter or Instagram, it makes such a big

difference. Please and thank you. Thank you. But do you remember when you were in a hotel, was it in Bristol? And you asked me being like, are you doing the weekend? I think I can hear you down the hallway. But it was just like another loud fucking bit And I was like in London like

No, that's not me Yeah, probably Oh my God, that's so funny It feels like I would do You were like, oh my God, you go to my hotel Then what did I say? And you were like, oh no, no, no, it's just a woman And I was like, what, woman, what's she doing?

Oh my God fucking running up another corridor It was like singing, playing her tips Oh my God Stephen Bailey, how are you, welcome to the podcast Thank you, are we going? Is that okay? No!

Also, you have perfect teeth? Have you had an Invisaline? Yeah. Have you ever had it? No, but I was thinking of getting it. I was going to get them done though. It's not worth it for you. You have gorgeous teeth.

And he's such a good man. You've got gorgeous TV. Really? I'm not just being nice. Okay, but if we wanted to get it, where would we get it? Um, I got it in, where did I get it from? I got it somewhere in London. What's it called?

Invisaline Clinic. Or smile. Harley Street. It's something, no, it wasn't like that. It was called like... They're gorgeous. Your teeth are perfect. They're a little.

They were great. Yeah, on the back. It did it cost a thousand million pounds? Yeah, it was like $4,000. I wouldn't recommend it. Like, that's why I don't think you need it. My tooth had started to go for a walk. I'd have to have it. I got one of those. A little crossover at the front. Let it do more. It's $4,000. It's not worth it yet.

I don't want to get it done. I love it. Also, I've heard it hurts. Okay, but you were now. No, it doesn't hurt. Okay. In the old days, it hurts because it was like, nowadays it doesn't hurt. Wow. What a godsend.

Hello, you're now officially legally blonde since the last time I saw you. Hi. Just call me L. Just call me L. How has your life changed since you've gone blonde? I have way more fun. I am more gorgeous now. Like I look at my cell.

You're literally looking at yourself. I do that all the time. And people really compliment how Hansmeyer look with blonde hair. And then it just makes you think, I did red for too long. Not that red is wrong. I just think I look better with this blonde. I mean, you look fire, but you look fire with red hair as well. I think you've got her.

I think it's okay. Yeah, I think one, you looked phenomenal with curly red hair. And two, I think it's safe to say that I wouldn't be good blonde. So it's okay that you enjoy that. No, that wouldn't work, right? You don't think. Come on, I would know. Oh, here comes big bumbo, Catherine.

Oh, hoi-hoi! I find that fucking charming. A bit, an Irish bimbo? How often? How often? Because what Stevens managed to do is like the Nicole Kidman switch, whereas I'd be more like the Lindsay Lohen switch. Well, I was just going to bring this up.

Because in my teenage years, I had that ginger hair. and I was bullied for it. Were you ever bullied for it? Obviously. Yeah. And then I did whatever Lindsay Lohan did. So when she went like black hair and tan, I did that. When she went for like black hair with like the blonde bits for it.

Wait, so you thought if you copied Lindsay Lohan, you'd be grand? Yeah, I thought, well, because she was absolutely gorgeous. The Lindsay Lohan plan, what's the question? Let's go. She was a ginger role model. She read the Quran. I read the Quran. No, no, no.

Lindsay Mean Girls Day. Not trying to kidnap a child. Not trying to kidnap the child in the street day. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. But I mean, like, when she was like a real big star, before she fell into the bad crowd. I get it. Yeah.

And then I just, then Lindsay obviously fell into the crowd and went off doing things, allegedly. And so then I was like, okay, I need to make my own life choices. So then I went with the red. And then I just was like, and I'm not going to lie, this was Breakdown Blonde originally. Oh, really? post-pandems or post-lockdown I should say

I went to my hairdresser James and I said, I think we should go blonde and he was like, I don't think we should do that and I said I think we should just go blonde James and he did it and we went blonde, blonde and then we pulled it back to be a bit dirty blonde again. Oh my God, I love that he said no but you were like, cool, well crack on with it. Well James also said no dot dot dot but

Actually, I've just completed my masters in Paris in hair colouring. So if anyone was going to not fuck it up, it was my James. Oh, my God. James sounds like a... He's at Michelle Louise in Ballam, dare I say. Oh, my God. I've been to Ballon. Yeah.

It'd been better if I've been to Michelle Louise. Susanna Reid from the Good Morning Britain goes there. I know that close to celebrate her in a cafe in Ballam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, Stephen knows. She likes a sausage roll. I can't.

I don't know that. That's not slander. She did. I know she likes a curly blow. What's that? Blow it. A curly blowet. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah. Don't we all? I. It's the lingo. It's just hard to keep up sometimes. It's a pig's gobble. Jesus, how are you?

My darling. I'm so well. How are you guys? Thanks for having me. I'm just, I'm distracted because now I'm thinking about Lindsay Lohan's career. Okay, well, I have several questions for Stephen that are not about Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club. But did you watch Lindsay Lincelohan's Beach Club?

No, I didn't watch that. Okay, so it was like the latest. You have to draw a line somewhere. Like, I watch every housewives. Yeah. Just start of Sydney. Oh, no, except Sydney. Okay.

I meant American and UK. Is Potomac as good as everyone says? Yeah, Potomac is really good. I need to watch it. I'm going to do it. Sorry, ask you questions. Do you watch any? I'll think about Lindsay Lohn in my head.

I've been New York and I've seen, um... Yes, Beverly Hills. Beverly Hill. Mm-hmm. A bit of Atlanta. Okay. Do you know, I have a question for you, too. I have a question to do.

Do you know, do. your comedy career yes sometimes you've got the option of money and sometimes you've got the option of being an artist okay yeah yeah housewives has made me just want the money yeah i don't care about being an artist anymore and i talk about this with people that are open and frank all the time but there is two types people that's like oh do you want to be on this artsy bill for 80 quid or do you want to come to like this shit hole for 500 it's like i will i will drive a good to the shit hole yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you guys on that so i would put i'd say you're artsy i i'd say you're I'd say artsy as well only because only because you know that famous scene in extras where he goes to

his direct agent right so he's made a sitcom that he doesn't like right and he's like wearing a curly wig and he's doing a vice like oh and he just hates it and he goes to his agent and says look I want to do something proper I want to do something proper and his agent says well what do you want for me because you always want something different do you want to be famous do you want to be on TV all the time and have money or do you want to be loved? and respected by your peers for making something amazing and he goes, well, I want both of those things. And he goes, well, only a couple people will get both

and you are not one of them. So what do you want? And he goes, TV all the time. And he's like, great, so my brother's called. See, I would do that. I would do that. You would go on CBB? Yeah.

Uh-uh, you got to think about every single thing you say. I have got no self-control. I'd be okay on that. I'd be okay on that. Happens if you shit yourself in the bed, then that will be all that people remember about you. Why would that happen? Yeah.

Because you had, I don't know, a hot courage. from one of the challenges. But they don't feed you. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's another thing. They starve you in there. That's fine. Think of the diet.

Yeah, that's true. Don't. I've always thought about that. I'm a celebrity. Could you imagine? Oh, I could not do. Everyone wants to do strictly because of the weight loss. And it's like, yeah, but I'm a celebrity.

You do it super, super fast. Also, I could not do I'm a celebrity. I'm so scared of spiders. That's true. Actually, we walked through a spider enclosure the other day and you freaked out. I'm petrified. I don't like mess. So that wouldn't work for me.

Also the same. It's not mess, it's jungle. Yeah, but it's still like the same vibe. Oh, you think it'll leave the mess. What are you talking about sleeping outside? And you have to like jump out of like high thing. That's the bit for me. It's like, um.

Eat random. No, it's an absolute no for me. But celebrity brother, absolutely fine with that. Oh yeah, because that's all about group dynamics and bitching behind their backs. Yeah. And if it rains, you just go inside. Yeah. They've got a little phone booth and I'm a celebrity they can stand in.

I know, but it'll still stink of pig. Yeah, it's a no from me. I mean, I don't love that. It's like the phone box on the park. Yeah. How often are you going in there? Loads. Yeah, you got to keep checking.

You don't want to judge a phone book by. I just want to check they still work. Yeah. I think I would be artsy though. I think I worry. I do worry what people think about me and what I do sometimes. I think I get a bit concerned. I understand.

I think, um, I want to be able to take care of my parents. when they're old. I want to own a house. I want to not worry about getting sick. And I want to be able to take days off and my brain's fighting me. So I'm all about the money, honey. That's how I feel is being like, and because your career, whichever way you do it

is peaks and troughs, I want to know that in a trough, in another goddamn global crisis, I do not have to ship myself for two years. 100%. I was, I think actually, I was sort of, I was a bit like before that. And then honestly, the

fucking fear, that petrified fear of going back to because the first few years I lived in London I made between like 9 and 14 grand a year. It was like how did I even... When I were, on my reflection I'm like how did I live? How did I live?

Which sounds bad because that's so much money. It's so much money though. Like 14 grand. For the rest of the world it's amazing amount and it's like how do we even survive? It's so weird isn't it? I really had a horrible time and I couldn't afford therapy and I couldn't afford like I just like you know there are moments now where when bad things happen like I was on that

hendoo and my flight got cancelled yeah and I was like oh cool I'll just input for a refund and it'll come when it comes but in the meantime I'll just buy another flight yeah I'll just book a train I remember when that kind of thing would ruin my month like make me physically you're talking my worry and I would just like be like I don't know for me the not just and also like the idea that my parents couldn't call me and say this horrible thing has happened and I couldn't say I'm coming Like those, that's what money does. And by the way, obviously, capitalism is fucked and printing people's choices based on their assigned worth is gross. But I do think given that we live in that context, yeah, I want to feel safe and money makes me feel safer.

Yeah. But I think what we're all saying is we want to make art, we want to do too adverse. So, yeah. Is that what we're all saying? No. No. Really? No, because I don't care about art.

I want to be mainstream, popular. You are popular. You don't have to want it. I don't care about the outside. At all? I would say I'm a little bit different in the sense that like I try to be myself and I try to, but like if it's a choice between like, you know, doing something that's a little bit of a compromise versus doing something that.

Because the thing is, here's what I, here's the thing is people cannot take your money away. They can take your, their approval away. So this idea that like, for my peers to respect me, I'm like this week. And then if they decide next week they don't. Like in the same way that I don't really feel that way about popularity. Like I don't need to be on the TV loads. if all my, if I got millions through corporates, I'd be like, I know, I'd be like, sorry,

that's the fucking dream. When I say popular, I don't mean on TV, I mean like, I want to sell out 300 plus size rooms because then there's dollar in that ticket percentage. That's what I mean. Corporates. Okay, so for anyone who doesn't know, corporates for comedians are literally where we go.

I haven't done any of you. I've done one. I've done one. I did it last week. I love them. For Kimberly Walsh. No, you didn't. Yes, she did.

Why have you, she followed me on Twitter. Insane. I don't even know if I can talk about that. Yes, for Wicks. Yeah, I knew it was for Wic. Oh my God, okay. This, right, insane. You're insane.

How dare you not pass that on. Insane. I would have done it and give you the money. Oh, that's so funny. No, I love, I name a Furby, Kimberly from Kimberly from Gals Aloud. It's the whole thing for me. Okay. But you should have been there.

I wish I was. Well, sometimes I think Helen forgets about me. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I'm going to call you out now. No birthday, no Kimberley Walsh. Please continue. Oh my God. Catherine never does this.

I mean, did you message me on my birthday? No, because I didn't get invited. Oh, this is why I hate birthday. You petty little bitches. You're both as bad as each other. Oh, I am petty. I love it. I need a moment of healing if that's okay with everyone.

You have any crystals? Just a little moment. No, no, I'm just going to do a handhold. I see you, I feel you. I understand I hurt you. Okay. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you. Do not Elsie, do not Elsie Haidie Montecchio.

I know who it was, 100%, but it's just sort of like, what? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know. Because I will have Spencer. I'm ready for that. I am ready for those TikTok followers. Oh, my God. I love you.

I love you. I didn't believe that you. Am I the Adriana? I'm just over here like wishing that the toxic ex would like that. Orrina Partridge. Oh, my God. Okay, Catherine, can you please be quiet while the two of us are talking? We literally just have this conversation.

I referenced the song from Hamilton. She's like, I don't know it. Stephen, please. I personally, please. I personally did not think you'd want to travel down to Campbellwell. Yeah, I would. To have pizza. Well, my boyfriend only lives in Tooting.

So Catherine, please to not start the part. Yeah, it's okay. Okay, I let you down. You did. But as long as you had a nice birthday, I suppose I can't complain. Because that would be petty. And I'm no Lisa Vanderpump. If anything, I'm Kyle.

You're a riner. I'm a riner. You're a riner, but I love that you said Kyle. But Kyle felt so bad about calling her sister an alcoholic at the end of season one. Her sister is an alcoholic. Yeah, Kim is struggling. Allegedly. She's going through.

The book is coming, guys. Are we done? No, it's not. Kim Richards has got a book coming up. Please tell me it's called you slut pig. No. No, it's not called you slut pig. Damn it, that's the shame.

It's one of those. It's one of those, I can't remember exactly what it is, but it's one those like. Tellals. Oh, the. but all will be revealed. Do you know one of those? I would really like to know the behind the scenes of her friendship

with Brown de Gamville. She apparently she says what she knows about Harry Hamlin. Apparently. I don't know what's happening anymore. I've lost me. Back to being a hog. Mother of Delilah.

No? Well, anyway, I'm thrilled that that is, but I would also say that you, you also do the work. It's not like you're like... Who me? Yeah, I would. I'm looking for an easy way out.

No. It's just that, You're happy to choose money. And also, I honestly think people who get to be, like, artistically snobby generally or people who have money. And I'm like, that's not a lot more to do. So true as well. I'm so rich, though.

Yeah, you are. And if I'm as rich as you. Yeah, we both did Apollo. Are you fucking kidding? Oh, I thought you meant, like, from a rich background. Oh, no. Don't choke on your water. That's harsh.

My dad works. Yeah, but like in shit. My dad works in sewage. Oh, great. There was a show called... It's actually a really good job. There was a show on Channel 5 called Sewer Men. that Chris Washington narrated,

you should have done that. You have more of a connection. We call it shit farm daughters in my town. So there was like two of us at my school in my year. Yeah, shit farm daughters. Wow. Yeah, but he works for different shit farm now.

It's going to just say as though. Do you know what you're shouting at Catherine? It reminds me of one of my favorite bits from Helen's set is always we should start shouting in German. I don't know why it kills me so much. But I just love everything that happens. Whenever she says, Look at me!

Yeah, that's like, it's so good. It's English. It feels German. It's a very classy moment of performative. It's art performance, though. No, it's art, okay, and I will be respected for it. I am shocked that you would say the arts thing. I think so, only because hand on heart.

I think that's true for you. I do get moments of like, people will be like, people, people. You know, like, comedy people will be saying stuff about like, oh, like, have you done this? Oh, you wanted to do that? Oh, I saw so-and-so did this. and it gets in my head I definitely care a lot whether people think

and I think in moments like that I will also say I've said arts having not been faced with the choice because I am still in the phase where I say yes to everything that comes in I'm like 100% yes

thank you so much for the job I'm so grateful but I think if I was in a position where rent was paid all good paid in advance or like I bought somewhere where I had a choice

between a money job or something that I genuinely wanted to do it and pay very well. Actually, you know, that's bullshit. I did have a choice. I just, I made a pilot for the BBC. Yeah, congratulations. Very exciting. Congratulations.

Over the moon about it does not pay well at all. And the amount of work and months that went into it, I would have been better off just gigging. But, and I could have taken some gigs during the prep time of that. And I didn't take all because I wanted to really focus on the job that I wasn't getting paid for. That's strategy. You're strategising to hopefully get an actual show me.

Yeah. So I think that's different. I think my point is also that like I think predominantly I don't want to make it, I want to make it clear that like I try my best to write the best comedy I can. But I certainly, if I was choosing about the reaction to the best comedy I can write, I would rather getting paid well for it than my peers going very good. Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm going to try my best.

I write the best if I can. I write as honestly as I can. I don't know that I consider any comedy artist. but I do my best. But I was choosing between massive paycheck and my friends going very good stuff. You write for the audience, not for other comedians. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, we all write for the audience. I don't think that's true either. We know. Who's writing for fucking, who's writing for Dave at the back of the chuckle hot factory and fucking Bracknell? But there's a lot of comedians that don't know how to adapt to certain rooms.

So they're the people I would say are aligned to their hour. Oh, that's true. Me at the Stafford Gatehouse two years ago. fucking hell. Have I told you about this? Tell me. Right. Oh, God.

It's so bad. What is it? It was such a badass. I'll bet you we can all relate. We're all being all. Oh, my God, I'm panicking. Please. Now we have to know.

Please tell us. Okay. How do you look like you're enjoying it? I know. It's like, it's like she's coming, but also she's disappointed herself. Go on. Okay.

Staff a gay house theater. Friday night gig. Christmas. Opening 30. Oh, okay. Sorry. Opening 30, which is, just anybody doesn't know, it's an opening 20 max, is how it works.

Opening 30 is too much on a normal night, never mind on a Christmas. Even on tour shows, people do 20 and then a break. It's also important to say that, like, the first section, they're not drunk enough, so they're dying for a drink. They want the interval quickly. The other thing to say is at Christmas,

they're fucking lunatics. And actually, the first section is about the ends up to calm down, but if you drive that out too long, the kitties go wild. Okay, I will also say, I had just come off of three gigs where I felt like I'd completed comedy. Oh, yeah.

You went in cocky. I was cocky. I believed I was talented. Yeah. You are talented. Just not in Stafford. Yeah. So I'm out of Stafford.

They're screaming at the MC, who I'll tell you who it was afterwards, but very good, very good MC. Okay. Saying, bring on a proper comic. Bring on a proper comic. And I was like, they mean me. Oh, no.

Oh, sweet God. They're saying that to a good MC. A really good MC. Fucking hell. And he's already gone through all the, like, you can go, fuck yourself. Oh, blah. So I'm like, okay, so I go out and I'm like, don't worry though, because I've been so good the last three nights at like the Bill Murray to 20 people.

We'll be, it will be grand. Oh, my God. The Bill Murray is an amazing comedy club, but it gives you the falsest sense of security here. You can do new stuff to applause breaks, then go to like a club not an angel and they will not like that. That big said, I have also died there. So I walk out on stage, all cooking confident, like, who's this beautiful Christmas? fairy and they're like what you mean the fat lass like oh god oh god was it like a deaf for 30 minutes or was there oh I lasted 25 and then went can you come get me please did you get the

emce did you get anything off of I got a lot of right I had a lot of back and forth so I would be like I'm six foot one they'd be like no you're not and then they'd be like fucking come up here then I'll prove it so the guy comes up measure I win and then another group starts talking And then another group starts talking. And then one guy... It's whackamol. I hate whackamol. It's full whackamol.

I can't calm them down. And then one guy starts doing the next. No. Next, coming next. That's bad. That's bad. Yeah. So then, but I'm, I think I'm fucking flying this week.

Can we just pause for a second? Okay. Is there anything worse as a comic than next? Next or, or you're not funny? Because there's no reply to it that doesn't make you seem like an absolute jackass. Well, he was screaming next and I was like, no, I'm with you. Don't worry, there is another comic, it's not just me. So I was like, great.

No, but that's the worst. Either you're like, yeah, no, I agree, or you're like, if someone's like, you're not funny and then you're like, yeah, I am. You're like, oh, I've lost, I've lost all power. I've lost all power. Do you know, though, I wouldn't even take that as a death on your part, and I'm really not saying like, we haven't even got to the end of the story. Yeah, if they're rude before the emcees even come on, that's on the audience. If they're like fine and quiet and waiting for the show and then that's a different thing.

They do sound like a bunch of luck. So there's one guy screaming next And for some reason That manages to quiet the entire room Compared to anything else I've done They all go silent He's like next next next next And I'm just thinking like

Did you not do luck at me? This done it Done everything I've run out I've run out Oh God When you use all your tricks Yeah

I barely had any anyway This guy's screaming next And they've all gone silent And I'm like Oh fuck you you Anker Like do whatever Going at him And I'm thinking, oh, he's being such a prick.

The whole audience must hate this guy. So I'm like, guys, we should we should we should we? And they're all like, no. And I'm like, he's a prick. And I thought they were all on my side. They weren't. They're all on his side. So then it's the whole of Stafford basically being like, no, no, we love the guy that's

screaming at you. It's you we hate. So I had to go like, can you, is the emcee? Can you come get me, please? No, you didn't. I did. What am I going to do? Five minutes.

I'm all screaming. Oh, my dear. I just left. Thank you. Good night. And I came back and I did get advice from the two comics in the green room. You hadn't been on yet. Hadn't been on yet. Oh my God.

I fucking hate unsolicited advice. It was so unnecessary because it was just a cock-offrey of bucks. You need to have things in your arsenal. Oh, fuck off. To say to them when they're being a nightmare. And I was like, okay. But when there's five tables all going at a different point, everything I said they challenged. And they were like...

I have to say this, though, about comedy. It's not... We have to learn. to like maybe deal with like funny heckles and stuff like that. It's not our job to learn how to like teach people to be not dickheads. Like they wouldn't go to the Lion King and behave like that. So it's

like you can come and not enjoy it just don't laugh. Like you don't have to be fun. We've got lots of rules we have between, yeah we can but we've got rules between ourselves. Like there's some that I've learned over the years that I got told very early on which I've only just put into practice recently. Like if you've got a room full of people and there's a group of people not enjoying it and they're just

looking at you blankly, ignore them. Focus on the people that are loving it and make them feel like they're missing out. Stop trying to desperately make them laugh. And there's things that I'm so open to practice. But when the whole room is just like, oh, so I say, oh, like, I love drinking and they go, do you show us? So everything's a challenge.

Everything's a question. It's tedious. But I will also say that. But I was so confident that they were all on my side. Don't we hate this guy? No, you, you, you're fat slug. That's so painful. I'm so sorry.

That happened. Me too. It happened so sorry. But I'd say, your eyes are so happy. I don't know how sorry. I was actually going to say that. I think what you're saying is right, though, Stephen, because I think it took me a while to realize

there's a certain degree to which, like, you have to learn to deal with people not liking you. You have to learn to deal with people being quiet and not engaging with you. You have to learn to deal with hard set up rooms, difficult, difficult other comics, like maybe even like troublesome bookers. You have to learn to deal with people, yeah,

responding to rhetorical questions, interrupting with funny jokes. I actually think all of that, I guess, is just a workplace environment, but what you don't have to put up with is abuse and I think that we conflate that with comedy audiences way too often and actually Stephen taught me this

I don't think you know this but like a while ago we were talking there was just like we'd after lockdown there was this weirdly like like weird rage in audiences that I'd never experienced before like this like people hadn't been out of the house and they were getting much drunker much faster and there was this weird like anger and I get it it was a really fucking hard time

but people were getting drunk and they were like a little bit even more misogynist than usual and specifically I was getting and I used to get loads when I started comedy but after lockdown

I just like a real upstick in homophobia and like being spewed at me on stage and I have learned so well to like rebuff that cut the person down

teaching moments like undermining moments turn the room against the moments all that and then we were talking about it and you pointed out to me like or you can just wait till they're asked to leave.

Like, you can literally go, cool. That's not part of my job. I'm just going to wait here. Oh, the staff are coming. Okay, cool. And I was like, oh, yeah, I don't actually have to take that. Because I remember, I mean, I only started doing it after lockdown, but I was like, I'm so fed up of homophobia because you're right.

There's so many who have to, like, we have to deal with you've drank too much. We have to deal with like, you know, but it's another thing, though. But also it's like homophobia is hate speech. That's it. Yeah. Full stop. Like, that's what it is. And if someone shouts out something homophobic, a,

Comedy Club does not pay me well enough to deal with it. They pay a bouncer. So you need to acknowledge what homophobia is. Yeah. Come over, remove them, and I'll carry on. Until then, I'm just going to wait there because you don't pay me enough. And also, I don't want to, because we're taught as queer people, get the laugh out of it. You have to learn for a witty response and get the room back on your side.

But then that makes them think they've got the laugh and that they've helped. No, you've been hateful. I'm just going to, wait. fucking smart yeah okay we need to spread that word because I haven't heard about that it really really helped me and I think that thing of like yeah I'm getting I've come on the

train maybe four hours yeah get to this club yeah I'm getting a hundred and twenty quid for the evening oh 120 let me know where that is my agent will take 24 the tax man will take 24 mm-hmm I've had to buy a snack on the train yeah I'll probably need breakfast

in the morning I'm really getting 50 quid you don't get to call me whatever the fuck you feel like that and make me, yeah, have to do it and you're right, like there is so, we're so, I'm actually very good at dealing with heckles I've always been quite good at it because I got a lot of it very early on because I look

like a woman who, who'll need help after 10 minutes, but like honestly if I talk for, especially when I was new something about large groups of men would be like oh, she's been talking too long, she'll need some assistance. Oh my God, I never thought about it like that, but you're right when they're just sort of like, oh, better jump in. She's paused.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, oh, God, she's going to, and it's like, and then that plus homophobia.

Like, it was just like, it was just like, oh, yeah, I could just opt out. Could just opt out of having to fucking, you're right,

it's just not good enough pay for that nonsense. And also, what's the point? Why is the bounce are getting paid? Like, if you want me to do their job, pay me a bit more,

don't have them on the door. I'll do it. Like, that's just how I feel. Like, he's a black belt. He could do both. That's true. Yeah. And I'm really, like, bored of, like, people, you know, being like, no, no, you, I'm really not paid enough for so many things.

And especially when you start doing your own shows and your own tours, you realize, I'd be like, we're not getting paid that amount of good enough money to deal with this nonsense. So if you want to allow the homophobia, and that's fine, but I'll wrap up after five minutes and give you the same fee involved. You decide, I'll work without you at work. It's fucking great that you're doing that. And it's fucking great that you're doing that. And I feel like the more people to know about it, the more we can all do it. so they realize they have to step it up. Yeah.

Because it's that thing of like, it's so, because we don't have an HR department in comedy, we don't have something where we're all, we have to like, it's all done through like, hey, have you thought about this?

Hey, do you know that club is all paying us this amount? Are they paying you that amount as well? Or is it like, well? Well, let's be clear. Clubs do this. Some clubs do this incredibly well.

Some do. The stand, the store? They don't put up with shit. And they're entire, like, the stand you walk in and there are notices on the wall saying, like,

you know, we don't stand for, heckling or comics and similarly in the store I have had like that's the room that everybody wants to play it's so it does pay well

it does have a great audience they're so nice to you and yet still I have when I've the only time I've ever had like a show derailed because of a heckler the lovely man Simon who works there was like

so apologetic and did interrupt and did try to stop them and did have them event and also like was just so because he's like that's not your fucking job and it's like that's a good club And the venues you've just mentioned as well,

they put the show before the bar. They put the comedy show ahead of their bar sales. Yeah. So like other places are like, drink, drink, drink, drink. Yeah, I know you mean. Yeah, it's also a show going on. Whereas those shows go,

here's a show, you've got a 15 minute break. Then the bar's going to shut while the show's on. Yeah. Like if you can still get a drink or go to the bar when a show is on. Oh, gosh. You're not going to pay attention. It's hugely problematic for a show. Oh my God.

Yeah. In the truth, my God, sorry, if you're not into comedy, but that was a really long rant about something you won't give a shit. No, I think that's just that. I think anything can apply to any work situation, though. This is like someone talking to you that. I mean like, no, I'm not paid enough to be spoken to like this. Like, yeah.

Essentially, bullying. Yeah. And don't get bullied in the workplace. Stand up for yourself. Last question. Yeah. Call it ignorance. How much would they have to pay you to puff up with it?

Oh, yeah. Not like you never put money. Um, like honestly, anything over a grand I'll put up with any shit. Yeah, like a shit heckle if you're doing a 20 minute spot for a grand, you'd be like, yeah. I'll die for 20 minutes. No bouncer. Oh, yeah. I mean, anything over a grand I'll pretty much put with anything.

I think the homophobia I'm really putting my foot down with, but anything else, if you want to talk while I'm on, do that for a grand. Oh, oh, my God. Like, plan your next date. That's fine. If I'm getting paid well. Okay, good. It's good.

We're on the same page. Yeah, Andy Haldi. Oh, you guys. This is not so artsy anymore. I wish she must to be like, also name your fucking price of queer. Name your price, yeah, pop. I also just heard about this.

I was, cause what the fuck were you? I was alone at the stuff of Gatehouse. You weren't there to be like, oh, just so you know. Like, you don't have to deal with that. You can just sort of go quiet. Well, if you'd invite me to my birthday,

maybe I'd had a conversation. Let's do a problem? Should you have a problem? Is there a listener? I think it's a listener problem. I'm going we should jump into. Catherine didn't have you at your birthday. Maybe what's...

Did you? My birthday's always in Edinburgh, so you're definitely invited it. Thank you. I'm not going to Edinburgh. Are you not? No. You're so classy.

So commercial. What are you doing instead? I'm going to go to Paris. I'm not even going to lie. Go to Paris. Yeah. For a month? No, I'm going to go for a week.

And then I'm going to have three weeks of being like high paying things only. You're going to Disneyland Paris? You're going. basically going to do the stuff in London when everybody's away that you can get it. Yeah, pretty much. Why would I go to Edinburgh? Zoo.

A child will call me unsophisticated. I don't think so. I see that problem. I love you. I love you. Let's go. Okay. This is a long one, so strapping, but it is an important one. Okay.

Hi, Hogs. I'm in quite a difficult situation with my uni placement, and honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm currently three months into a sixth. six-month placement with a social media marketing agency. About a week into the placement, I found out my boss was a raging turf. She never said anything directly, but I'll attach her Twitter so you can get a better idea. Think JK Rolling vibes.

At first, it was only through her likes that she interacted with turf groups, but over the past weeks he's gone tweeting from her business account. I tried to ignore the situation at first, as I'm aware that in life, I will have to work with people whose views I may disagree with. But as part of the placement, I'll be expected to run the Twitter account that she uses to interact with these groups. I'm a 23-year-old trans man and my boss has no idea because I pass fairly well. I know it's a fairly grim situation, but I listen to you guys all the time. And if anyone can make me laugh about it, then it's you.

Any advice? Do we have an initial for this person? This is from V. Hello, V. First of all, thank you for sharing your problem with us. And secondly, I'm really sorry that that's happening. So first of all, sorry that that's happening. It's actually fucking insane that you need to even have to.

figure this out. So just quickly, call it ignorance. What is the university placement? How important is a placement? Well, presumably it's going to come with a professional recommendation. Okay. You could leave with a job there if it goes to the way you were doing to. Yeah, it could lead to an actual job.

Yeah. Oh, so it's like, like a higher education work experience. So as part of your course, you're learning and practicing the skills you've been studying. Okay. But also you potentially come out with best case scenario, a job. potentially, certainly with sufficient work experience during your university time that will mean that you have, you're not just going in as like

a graduate to most of the programmes, and you should come out with professional recommendations, especially if you've done nothing wrong and worked very hard. Okay, understood. Right, yeah, yeah. Also, you presumably, it's a mandatory part of your course to pass. So you...

Yeah, it's always part of your course. Yeah, so it's going to contribute to your overall results as well. Oh, fucking hell, V, you're in the bloody nightmare. Well, that's not helpful, I'd say. Yeah, it's like, nightmare, V. This is important. You've got to do it. You've got to do it. You're fucked. Several things to say.

First of all, I think what we were talking about... Oh, Vee, crying the toilets. Jesus. No, Helen, stop. Helen. Helen, I'd say this is not the one for you to solve. Okay. I would say what we were just talking about, God, you're bringing such Stafford Gate energy.

Take a breath. Take a breath. Not a Stafford Gate House now. Take a breath. V. First of all, really started this happening. It's also very hard to, I think, to... walk the line, the precarious line of when it's your senior and your boss.

Yeah. But let's be clear, morally, we know this person is doing the wrong thing, being a turf is gross. Business-wise, they're also doing the wrong thing, because they're using the business account to advocate for hate speech, which even... It's not legal. Both not legal, but also optics-wise,

even if you come down on either side as a business, like optics-wise is probably quite bad. Yeah, you'd be kicked off apprentice, so quite. Right, because it's not strategic for a business But the third thing to say is It feels probably like at the moment You have to either out yourself Which is you don't have to do

Or talk to your boss head on Which I actually don't think would work No And the beauty of the corporate structure is Unlike comedy, it has Hey John, baby! And also, so does university So I would approach it twofold

One person, please step in If you have no, I agree go to your university advisor. You almost certainly have a choosier or a lecture on your subject. Oh, do they have that so a uni, you can go to someone and they're like in charge your welfare? Because they still are responsible for your welfare while you're there, yeah.

So in the first instance, I would go to them. Secondarily, I would be asking them for advice on how to approach it within HR at the business who are also, now let's be clear, imperfect. This is the thing. Your advisor and your HR are both human and might be flawed also, or deeply immoral

also. But the odds are that at least one of those two and also you must pot everything in writing i'm a big believer did you not learn this from housewives keep your receipts i do this all the time never do anything on phone always do it on email um because then you have proof that you flagged it should anything escalate and also i think is i always think as well do you know the whole kill with kindness thing yeah i always think there's so much in that because you could go like you've just gone in on this placement taken over the social media you could go

like you don't have to say it's this person who normally does it they'll know themselves you go oh just so you know I've just taken over the social media and I've noticed that there's a lot of liking about is it turf tweets

yeah that's what they do so they're liking a lot of turf tweets and I don't think that's a good look for this business because you could just do it like that where it's like I'm flagging it for you like do you know like and then it allows you to keep

anything you want to keep to yourself to yourself you don't have to out yourself and it's just and it's also looks very professional just go I've just noticed this is happening and we don't want to be seen this way also I'm like the same face that Stephen's making 100% V replicate it's like I've just noticed like it's like it's like you're so confused but you just want to help but actually it's really good yeah also I do think that like faux naivity a little bit can be helpful if it's seems apparent you'd absolutely know who is and you don't have a, you're not usually meant to do that, but I would think like

make the business case and less of the personal case because people respond better to that and because it makes them less, feel less judged. And the business case here is, you're talking about alienating a younger demographic, you're talking about potentially engaging in actual hate speech, you're talking about making it a safe workplace,

you're talking about HR violations, you're talking about inconsistency of messaging, you're talking about product irrelevance, like just talk about those things and you do not owe HR your whole history. No. You don't owe this woman your whole history but I do

think you owe yourself the opportunity to feel supported in that context. I'm really sorry that's happening and also if you're feeling a bit like oh god I promise you you're not the only person in that office who is trans or who has a trans family member or who I don't know human possesses human empathy and I would say we're with Yeah. I agree. And if it is so clear that it's your boss doing the tweets and so it'd be too obvious to do the faux naivety, you can still do the naivety by going, I think we've been hacked because all these things have been. Yeah.

Okay. Right. For my two cents, 100% V. Do the fake like, oh my gosh. Oh my God. We've been hacked. They've got my fucking password. What fuck. You've never seen this is New diversity of Huddersfield. You've never got a northern role, have you? No! I know. Oh, bloody hell. Who are?

We've been at. Who's like... I'm a lot. Oh, I've got to get down the man. The one's like, Graham Linahen again. Bloody hell, ma. Where's my pasta? It's all over the chat.

And then I would also say 100% you need a vent. So get your drug, drink or food of choice and binge it and vent to everyone that will listen. But also... You can't... Don't problem solvenity you've had your vent. I would say also your university counsellor and tutor and HR. And you don't have to advocate for yourself alone. Those people will be flawed.

But I promise you, unless this person is the business owner, even then it's probably probably like ways around it. And if that doesn't work, send us a link to the account and we'll get it blocked. Like after we start again, that's not even a massive problem for us. We can report it. Obviously, we won't do that until you've emailed us with explicit permission. All of us can just report it. But that's not going to be a big drama for us.

Thank you so much. I let's do all of the above. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let us know. Also, thanks for your sharing your problem. I think, like, other people will have issues like that, and it's so uncomfortable. Because people are always scared of their bosses. There is still such a strange thing about power and who can do what.

And it always comes to power and money. And everyone is always scared of approaching their boss about something that's, Not appropriate. Yeah, I'm nervous right now because I want to eat this cookie but I don't know whether I should ask Catherine or M. I'm not doing that right now.

No, I absolutely don't want to listen on the podcast. Here's what I would say is can I just say one last thing about power, approachability? You were saying something. Fuck, I had a really good topic for your stupid cookie thing.

What was it? Being scared of your boss? Being scared of your boss? Power. Was it my northern accent? It's gone. It's gone. Where in the north are you from?

I know, that's what it is. Manchester, because I'm buzzing. What I was going to say was the reason that I say that you don't have to tell them you're, you don't have to come out yourself is because, is one because is not, like, I can imagine some people are listening and being like, oh, but maybe you should

because other people won't have the privilege of passing, right? So I understand that that's a, like, a tricky thing to balance. But I would say this is when I say that you don't owe them, your past, it just mean like, when you don't owe them, your entire truth is like, remember, with the queer conversation, especially with homophobes or transphobes, the fact of the matter is,

that argument costs you more than it costs her. If you're going to have a debate about whether or not hating and undermining your humanity is a valid work time pastime, workplace pastime, she can go all day because her hate doesn't cost her anything

and her hate isn't undermining and devaluing her or making her feel unsafe in the workplace. You can't go all day because it's fucking exhausting to justify your personhood to a person who should frankly understand it or at least feel some sort of duty of care to their employees and that will cost you more

so just you don't have to wade into that because you will always run out of energy before them because God hates like rocket fuel and they don't seem to remember we're people so just protect yourself oh my god that was beautiful

no that was tired and experienced people are exhausted I think and the thing is I think what I'm fed up about is that whenever you talk about homophobia transphobia people act like we're just making up to whinge and it's like the statistics are there on the police's website on the government's website and we know they don't like to publish accurate statistics all the time so this is the best

it looks which is pretty bad but also like yeah also that it's also it's just like it is sometimes nice to pretend to not know everyone's fucking hateful thought about you because then you can at least exist in a world where maybe most people don't feel that way but having to fucking lower it out of people because you need, I don't know, a basic access to workplace safety or, you know, do your job. It's just so painful. And it is exhausting because it's,

even the compliments always have a little tint of homophobia in. Like I had one the other day where it was like, you were so funny. I really loved your act. You were so sassy. But what I loved the most was you didn't put your sexuality at the forefront. And I thought,

the minute I step on stage, like, it's, it's like a dig be like you were a really funny comedian but you weren't too gay this time to really like that level of gay you were at that level of gay that one was right for us you have to process it in a way

where it's like well we talk to someone about this because I'm like I don't want to I don't know how to respond to that because I thank you but no as well and then it's like you're trying to

and then you have to find ways to articulate yourself which sometimes is the most exhaust thing because you go I want to tell you all this is not a compliment but I don't know how to phrase it do you know yeah also people just don't see their own

hypocrisy they're like well done for not just being gay up there and you're like oh cool but literally all you saw was gay up there because your only measure of whether or not it was good was what degree of that I just said that's all you remember about me or like it's so it's like the same one people are like I don't usually like female comedians it's like let me stop you there you're a con can I move on like like or just like

we're also just like oh god it's honestly it's relentless and it's boring and it's tiring but I think specifically for trans people at the minute it I mean I feel this way

as a queer woman I feel like it's worse however for trans people it's worse for femme presenting men it's worse for masculine presenting women than it is for me because I pass but the problem with that is that like

the reality is for trans people at the moment it is completely legitimate to feel under physical threat because you are and that's scary and I'm sorry as are women and but I just just protect yourself as much as you can but you are absolutely right to complain and I cannot wait for the meeting

I want like the minute can you get the minutes from the meeting where you're like we've been act because I really want to raise such a Catherine Bohart request but like the minutes please the minute is somebody taking the minutes Some will be taking the minutes.

Do they put the pauses in? Because they feel like those matter. Okay. The dramatic pauses in the minute. We got you. We got your back. But can we please thank you to Stephen Bailey? Because that's what I want to do.

I was going to say, before we do that, can we have like one more problem solved by Stephen? Because Stephen's great at this. I mean, should we say thank you and then do another problem on the extras? I'm just worried about timing, Stephen. Well, I've done nowhere to be. I'm actually the alpha of this podcast. I'm not in a row.

Stephen Bailey, you're an angel. Where can people find you? At my birthday party. Why did I say that? I made it awkward for myself. I hate myself. I actually hate myself. I'm joking.

You weren't invited. I know. Oh my God. Stop it. Oh, my God. I know Rosie Jones, clearly. Yeah, that's, I know how Helen feels about that one. Rosie was invited.

She couldn't come. Yeah. She was gigging. So was Catherine. Okay. Wow. Tell us about where people can find you. Oh, God.

I'm on Twister. Twister. Please tell me. That's how you promote yourself. I'm going to twist them out most evening. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, just Stephen, comedy, the usual. Everything's there.

I mean, more tax, David, and everything. And also, you have a new podcast? Yeah. Yeah, I keep forgetting about this because it's so new. I'm doing a podcast. It's called Let's Talk About the Husband. You will love it. What's the best?

Basically, so how it came about was, so it's with Zoe Lyons. We love, we love. It's the Dree pairing. We love on. I rank her loads over lockdown. Like, we just got really friendly on our walks. separately but on the phone

and I'd always be going like we had a whole conversation about keep your receipts because of the real house size of Beverly Hills and she was going that's really good advice and we'd be talking about someone else Steven that is so good advice

that you should like have you ever thought about being an agent and I'm like that's so rude but I don't know if I stopped feeling and someone goes like you know you'd be really good at like producing shows and it's like

not doing this yeah no no yeah and I feel like you're saying I have a face for background and I was like it's not me it's Lisa van der Van der

Boris Erika Jane and she's like, what's a Lisa Vanderpun? But I was like, there's a podcast thing. What's Elisa Vanderpun? And I sent her the clip of Kim Richards for Real Housewives Beverly Hills in Amsterdam. Oh my God.

Beast. You beast. And then she was like, this is amazing. Then I sent her a clip of, did you see where Kim and Courtney had a physical fight on. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did.

Of course we did. So she was like, what's a Kardashian? Oh my God. What's a Kardashian? What's a Kardashian? What's a Kardashian? I did a bit of course. I did a bit.

research, Zoe Lyons started on Survivor. I know. So she's the biggest reality person. She's the OG of reality TV. Yeah. I thought it was the island, but it's Survivor. Survivor, yeah. Zoe was on Survivor.

The first series. First ever series in the UK. Yeah. I am so pulling out my gig tonight. Which is awful because it's for charity. But I'm fucking out. I'm out. Okay. Amazing.

And then, yeah, so then we decided to do a podcast where we would watch an episode of reality TV like the big viral ones and see what you've learned from it so every episode's a different reality show oh my God we should listen to us I'm obsessed and then so we've done our first eight I think six are out at the minute

and then we're going to start having like guests on so we'd love reality fans on so we'd love to have you guys on we're going to have like Tanya from the housewives of Cheshire and all different people are oh my god oh my God it's really good podcast we just need to focus I know we've got to like

we're going to talk more in the extras We can't let go of you. Sorry. But like, have you seen the ASMR version of that fight? Right. I happen. I know what it is. I keep meaning to watch it.

People keep sending it me, but I've not watched it yet. Thank you, Stephen Bailey. We'll be continuing this in the extras. Woo! Thank you.