Trusty Hogs - Ep29. AMY GLEDHILL / Casinos, Colds & Cautionary Tales

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

A super fun and giggly episode with the brilliant Amy Gledhill! We talk about so much and even tease an amazing story which can be heard exclusively in the Patreon extras this week...Amy Gledhill is one half of The Delightful Sausage (as seen on Harry Hill's Clubnite) and a fantastic stand-up in her own right with a podcast of her own called A Lovely Time.Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Sarah & Molly / Melissa Dunkeld / Bennett ManciniWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hi, Hogs. Before we get into this episode, I wanted to give you guys a little announcement because me, Helen Bauer, one of the hogs, is going on tour. I'm taking my new stand-up show for the first time ever all over the country. I'm so excited. It's called Madam Goodtit, and this show is shaping up to be a, it's going to be a doozy, it's going to be a lot, but I think it's going to be so, so much fun. For all of our really loyal, trusty hogs on Patreon, you have probably already heard about this because you'll be sent out a mailer. You've got pre-sale a day before, so please come along, get the tickets you want, bring all the other hoaggy friends you know in your area.

And for everyone else, you just need to wait one more day on the 22nd of April. All the tickets will be available. You can get them via my website. You can get them via Birx Nest. Please come along. Please tag me in stuff saying you've bought tickets, so I don't feel like I'm going completely mad. And come see Madam Goodtit. the tit itself. I mean, no, it's not

that I can't take it out, Comcentral, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's just been amazing watching all of you guys go see Catherine on tour and we can't wait to keep building this community and I hope to see you all there. Holy fucking shit. I'm going to be a touring comedian. I'm a grown-up. It's happened. Love you guys.

Hello, welcome to episode 29 of trusty hugs. That's what I said. I am There was no needly spoke over you. There was no need. I was saying the exact same thing as you. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah.

You're going to give me your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Are you still on a sugar high from Easter? Is that what's happening? Honestly, I had, I've got two bags of mini eggs in my bag.

Left. I have nothing left. I ate it all in the day. How do you have stuff left? How much did you get? Right, I eat everything. And then I go to the supermarket and I have a fucking disaster. The sales afterwards, they all get reduced.

It's horrendous. My house looks like a fucking chocolate factory. So Neil hasn't left the couch in three days. How is that bad? It sounds great. It sounds great. It sounds great. But you know that documentary about the woman who got so big

and she sat on her sofa that she became the sofa? Is this just thousand pan sisters again? No, no, no, no, because Tammy and Amy can get out from the sofa with a bit of push. Okay. But this woman sat on the sofa for so long, her skin became sofa. Oh my God. No, her skin didn't become sofa?

I think I know who you're talking about. Didn't it become, I thought it became like threaded through basically. Like she became one with her sofa, but it didn't become sofa. She got like attached. No, I think she became like cotton. No, I think the sofa grew under her skin. Like it grew into her skin. I read the head.

I'm not the article, I think I would know. What a shock. That's crazy. Welcome to Trusty Pass. The podcast where we tell you about our perfect lives. I know, it's really hard to keep up with. And then we try to solve your problems. I think we're getting better at solving the problems, you know.

I honestly. Yeah. I mean, apart from the one with Stephen Bailey where it was going really well and I was doing really well. And then I got so hungry, I just blanked out of the conversation. Yeah. For anyone who listened or watched that episode. You can see it. For the last five minutes, I think about lunch.

and it's like I'm not even in the room It's very apparent you're in a different place But we're getting better I'm like I was kind of think what the equivalent of us is Like we're not agony answer And we're like I don't know like Torture Twins What's the equivalent?

I think like Saviors Like I've got a very You know like in the first series Of Real House by Beverly Hills Where Camille refers to herself as Jesus Yes I think I'm going to start doing that Oh my God speaking of which sorry

You've just reminded me A you should look at your headpiece You can absolutely be a deity today I'm fucking obsessed with a pair band watching on YouTube. I'm wearing a hairband with gems in it and I've kind of leveled up as a woman. Okay, so Helen evidently was up all night, went on Etsy. Etsy,

what are we even saying, Etsy? And then bought herself a headpiece. I bought two on Etsy. And I don't even want to say hairband, because hairband doesn't do it justice. We're talking like regal but also tacky, high hairpiece. That's also being worn with some sort of Snoopy. Who is this?

Star Trek. I'm wearing a goofy movie t-shirt. movie. Because you've got to stand out above the crowd even if I got a shout out loud. But Scooby-Doo is wearing some sort of Scooby-Doofy, goofy movie. This is Max's idol.

But he's wearing some kind of It's a suit. It's the Phil Wang suit. That's a Star Trek suit. No, that's not Star Trek. It is. Is it not? I've never seen Star Trek.

Do they wear this? You've never seen Star Trek? No, well I know. You've never seen Star Trek. It's this one, the Live Long and Prosper. Yeah. Yeah, right? What do you think he's doing?

I've never seen it. I have friends at school. I'm so sick of saying this. Why would I have watched it? I didn't watch it with my lonely self in school. I watched it at home with my mom because it was her favourite TV show and we didn't get to use the remote control.

But if you stayed after, like for Star Trek, and then also Stargate afterwards, you might get to see the end of Malcolm in the middle. Thank you. And you know I love Malcolm in the middle. I'll learn about stupid space for it. Makes me cry so much. The final episode of Malcolm in the middle.

Can you believe they were married in real life and then got divorced though? So sad. What? Oh, no, wait, sorry, not him. Not Brian Cranston. She was married to Bradley Whitford from the West Wing. The mom was, and then they got divorced.

Oh, like, I thought you meant, like, Helen Lois were actually married. No, I wish, but Lois was married. No, but Lois was married to one of the best characters in the West Wing. I never seen it. Oh, she's married to Josh from the West Wing. I prefer the youth ones. But then they got divorced.

What does that mean to you? I don't know. Exactly. Can we just maybe, like, can they be sensical at least? I don't mind if the jokes are there, but I would like a logical completion. What do they talk about in the Westwood? wing.

Politics, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. But also that girl from Wicked's in it. It's like Christian Cheneas. Stop. Yeah.

So, you know, it has something for everyone. You don't know. You don't know. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. It's honestly very good. I don't know.

I've just seen a new Amanda Safe Reed show come up on Disney Plus. Oh, I just watched all of at the dropout. It's incredible. It's amazing. It's amazing. Oh my God.

She's so good at being the awkward dancer. It's insane. Also, you do listen to the entire trial. Yeah, obviously. Okay. She's spectacular as her. Like I was like, well, we'll see. I was like, holy shit, Karen has leveled up.

Like, honestly. Karen from mean girl is finally leveled up. Yes, thank you for getting the reference. I understood it fully. I appreciate that. Wait, so you've just been watching TV because that's what I've been doing as well. Yeah, no, I've recently gone out.

That's so sad. It's finally got nice out and about. People are drinking, people are hanging outside, and both of us are just at home. Also listening to, I also listened to podcast. So Neil had to force the curtains open me the other night because I went out. I went to the casino

in Leicester Square again. Excuse me, why. I was... What? Again? Yeah. So I haven't been to the casino in a couple of years

because they don't have clocks in there and I lose all sentences. Yeah, we know how gambling works. I'm sorry. I went there. Me and Neil O'Rourke went because we thought it really fun to go and get a white Russian

at a casino just for Lulls. So we went there and did that. And then we met a man who was like, oh, he was eating spiders and he said he was David Cameron's cousin. We were like, oh, this is mad. But then we realized it was 5 a.m. So we left.

But I didn't know. realized, like... It's just several things. First of all, of course, of course, Neil O'Rourke, who definitely drinks milk with his dinner, only drinks, his cocktail is a white rush. A classic. My little print.

Secondly, you know where they don't have clocks in there, don't you? So people don't know what time it is. Yeah, so it's 5am and you're reading Sliders with a man pretending to be David Cameron's cousin. Not even lover, cousin. How tragic. But I was so, like, drunk, I was like, wow. Have you also fucked a pig?

That's crazy. Is that burger better be beefed. Do you hate him too? Sorry, what's your game of choice in a casino? I don't play, I drink. Oh, thank God. So either I go to. Oh, thank God.

Why? Oh, you would probably, no, you must never start. What is that reaction from my friends? From my friend. That's why, because we care about you. Yeah. You must never start to gamble. If I had a game of choice, it'd be the one with the fruit on it.

No, no. No, no, no. You go like that. Helen, do you know, if you pay that, they make you eat whatever fruit you get on the, you have to eat all the fruits. Even if I don't want the fruit? Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't. That's good to know.

Yeah. That's good to know. I think I'd like to play the one where you throw the ball into the circle and it spins. A roulette. Correct. Again, no. Again, I would just say, I'd just say stick to Etsy. If you're going to throw your money away in the middle of the night, at least get a hairband for it. You know what I mean? So I threw it away on floor five of the Hippodrome casino, which is my casino of choice. Empire as well. I like Empire because I've got a lovely little balcony.

if you go up to the rooftop on the right hand side. Stop talking to us. We know. We're not, none of us are divorced, tell us. We're not being. When you've done gigs and there's nowhere to drink afterwards, so you go somewhere else, right? And so you always end up in the casino. Okay, so I go casino. I did a gig in a casino once. Shut up. And it was really dreadful gig, and I went away to the black tap table and doubled my fee. I honestly, it was the coolest I ever felt. Andrew. Do you want to go casino with me now?

Andrew. I love that. Sorry. Andrew. What am I trying to do here? A teacher, but it's a teacher. Teachable moment. Sorry, I'll meet my mic. Yeah. How about how about we do that? Thank you. Random look is what Andrew got. Look at me. I mean, it's quite skilled actually.

Andrew. Shut the fuck up. You're amazing. Helen. Yeah. You already spend your money in what I can only describe as erratic fashion. Goofy movie t-shirt. They'd sold out of my size so I got a 2xel baby. Helen once got a really well-paid television job and she was like, I know what I'll do.

I'll just take a school tour of my friends to Disneyland and I'll pay for the They're all adults with their own jobs. You mustn't. No, no, I know. But then, so I was drinking at the casino the other night. But I was up until like, God knows what time, went an insane Pokemon hunt throughout the night. It was very confused as to what was happening.

Okay, I'm really glad you had something else keeping it. Caught about 20 EVs, insane. Are they strippers? No, no, the strippers are on floor minus one in the hippodrome. If you want to see them, they're in the cages downstairs. It's great. It's a really fun room. Yeah.

They're not on floor. I go to the rooftop floor five. Excuse me what now? Huh? The ladies dancing in the cages. They're downstairs in the hippodrome. I won't be going on it. This is common knowledge.

I feel like this isn't just me. It's not common knowledge. But basically I got home and then the next morning. You're fascinating. I was like, it was like a beautiful sunny day but I couldn't leave because I was like, I'm dying and I had the curtains closed and Sunil was in bed.

So I was like, wait in watching my clock. It got to one minute past 11 and I was like, Domino's a delivering. So I ordered my feast But it was one of those domino's days Where it was like You have to spend over 30 pounds To get 50% off

So I was like, add it What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? I lost in mind And then it was at the end of the checkout It was only 50% off the pizza But I'd gone mad with the sides But my brain couldn't fathom going back

So I spent 30 pounds I love the sides The sides are my favourite part It's like honestly Wedges, garlic bread Dippers, yes please That's what I did I did chicken kivis anymore

and I did potato wedges and the garlic bread. The vegan dipper things that pretend chicken's great. Here's what I will tell you. Last time I ordered Domino's and I should never because I'm allergic to gluten but you know when I hate myself

and I'm sad let's double down. I got two cookies instead of a garlic bread and cookies and I'm still mad about it. Why? Garlic bread. There's enough for one person in four cookies but no garlic bread. But why did you do that?

I didn't mean to. They sent them to me incorrectly. Oh I would love to have heard that complaint phone call. No, I sent an email. I sent an email, I sent an email, I sent an email, because I already felt bad enough about myself that I wasn't, like, assertive enough because I had eaten the whole pizza, I was full, but whatever.

I was livid. But literally, never alone. I had to have Sunil coming in and being like, you are, you have brought shame on this house. How about you come to fuck himself? It's before midday. He tried to open the curtains, and I was like, hissing, like, like screaming, it was horrendous.

I'm okay now, though. So I've been watching so much TV because I've been on tour? I've been hungover. Yeah, no, no, no. Just to clarify that's what I've been. I'm cold. You did have a really sad cold. You had a cold.

I know. I'm sorry. It was in my first one in three years. It's quite exciting. Oh my God. Yeah, it is not. It's novel, isn't it? Yeah, now that we're not wearing masks everywhere.

I flamed so much. I don't need that detail. I don't want it. Please stop. Can I tell you about the podcast I'm listening to? I don't want any part of this. I want no part of this. Want none?

Oh, by the way, sorry, back to television. Have you been watching the HR department? Human Resources? No. Oh, no. My friend recommended it. Oh, lady. I'm like an approximate name that I've made it myself.

Like Big Mal. Yeah, but it's well as human resources for Connie and Co. Excellent. You would love. Honestly, a lot to unpack there that reminded me of you. In a good way? Well, they keep pumping things at work. Keep pumping things that work.

Oh, at work. Both. No, no, no. I haven't masturbated at work since like 2009 or something. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Just like casinos on the weekend.

I actually didn't wanken Did I? Stop it. No, I would enough. White Russians are not a wanket It wasn't white Russians this weekend It was bottles of wine Oh my God Yeah

What a life you do Okay, the point is I'm listening to this podcast Which I think you would be obsessed with Okay It's called but I want to be clear It's about a fraud And I don't want you to be

I want you to listen to the podcast And think God these poor people were duped Well a cult basically I don't want you to accidentally believe and then join the cult. What call? So it's called Twin Flames. Sounds amazing. First of all, I only started listening to the podcast because it's hosted by Stephanie Beatrice, my one true bisexual crush.

Her voice is on a tire when she's not playing sex sexy copp Rosa. No. We watched different things. Sure, sorry. Mirabal. Okay, crazy. I don't even know you're talking about. Anywho, she's hosting the show and it's about this couple who sell to people that they can help them get their

one true flame, right? So they're, they themselves have achieved like heightened intimacy or whatever the thing they call it. And you only have one true one true flame. And that's the person you're meant to be with, right? Okay. So you end to them saying, I want to find my person. Yeah. Or often it's women who've been like rejected by a person who they wanted to be with and they're like, okay, cool, that is your one true flame though. So what you're going to do is essentially they encourage them to stalk them to the point that lots of these women ended up going to prison. Stop. When they do things like block them on Facebook or call the police. They're like, oh, you triggered them.

See, they are in love with you. It's insane. Like, it's mad. So you pick your flame and then you just go for it, like without... Relentlessly, and they pay, it's a cult where they spend all their money on these teaching courses. They keep being crazy. And so then, one of them got so bad that, then obviously they were like trying to sell

this product. So eventually, like, some of the women, their one true flames were like, we have restraining orders to go into prison. Yeah. And they're like, it doesn't seem to be working. they're like oh they're like oh i was like that's because you chose the wrong flame we are going to ordain your flames so they publish this list of their one true flames and most of them are they're like uh most of them are all in the group what a happy co-wink

and they're predominantly same-sex relationships so these people who are not queer are like yes okay all right not loving it not into a relationship they don't want not into super not keen, but okay, that's a block in me. I guess I have to do more therapy. They're like conversioning the other way for the, it's crazy. One, they also think of this thing as like divine masculine, divine

female, right? So they just, they, you don't know what your gender is, they tell you what your gender is. So if you if you're not homosexual, that's because you're actually a man. It's crazy. No, it's so bad, coercive. Is it here or in America? It's in the States, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels right for them. degree of lunacy. I cannot recommend it enough. There's a lot of ads, but honestly, that kind of adds the Americanized sense of the whole thing.

I kind of get it though, because I remember like, you know that first love you have where you're like, you're moving to Germany again? No, no, no, no. But when you're just like so in, when you're so in love with them,

like, it's like you do, like, it's not stalking necessarily, but you like, okay, Andrew, but you put everything into it. But it's basically capitalizing on that idea that people are having there,

youth yeah it's that panic it's that panic of like no no no you must because I feel it so it must be real and if it's not real then I'm insane because why do I feel this way it like it's really that pain it's like taking that pain and making it be like you're right you wouldn't feel as bad if it wasn't meant to be and it's so cruel

oh my god what's called two flames twin flames twin flames I'm literally going to like subscribe to that now I was listening to the grotesque murder subscribe to the podcast don't subscribe to twin flames who are a cult could you imagine my Allegedly.

Allegedly. Like next time we see me. I don't know. Who would your flame be at the moment? Like, who would you go for? I mean, obviously, they will pretty much always go with your last ex-partner. Really? I don't need help, you know, being mad already.

I don't know who my current flame I would go for. Who would I be interested in? M's little snicker at that was not, was like, based on too much insight that I actually resent. I think someone that sort of like did the, like, balloons at Magical Kingdom or something. Like, someone who works there, but isn't like, so ingrained in it that they wouldn't, like, break the rules to bring me a balloon home. You do realize that they would, they would be willing to allow it to be Andrew. He could pick any gay man because they'll just make that happen.

Are you serious? So I could actually, like, get Andrew too full in love with me? Yeah, it's not that they're gay, it's just like there's a block in them. Strap up, baby, it's time to lick some piss. Come on, Andrew. Taste me. Oh, no, no, no, God. I honestly feel like if anyone was to experiment outside of their preferred sexual preference,

I don't think I would be the starting point for anyone. Like, if you want to give women a go, I wouldn't say, like, I'm, like, I'm a big lass with a very present vagina who's like, hungry. Like, I would say that you have to. I'd say if you were giving a woman a go, I'd start with someone a little bit more like, what? Did you, did you describe your vagina as present?

Yeah, it's very, oh, no, it is quite tall, to be fair. Oh, right. It's, like, very, like, there. Oh, I see. Like, like, if you, if my pan. I wouldn't look under you'd be like, oh, there she is. Yeah, hers is like, hey, mine's like, cooey. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. What are you doing? Mine's like, p, p, p, s, p, s, over here, you know? And hers is like, what up? Yeah. Like, you know where the hole is, but it's just like, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. It's also very purple. It's gone a bit oil slicky again, but it's not an infection. Is still trying to sell it to me, or I don't know what? No, I'm saying you should go for, like, a better purse. Renewable energy. Well, no, I feel bad.

I'll go for your pussy, I'm sorry. I'm making it stop. I feel ill. I feel ill. I started my own cult. No, this is not the point. Stop it. I feel like dating women just avoid the bowel women.

My mom just had another relationship start and end within like two weeks. It was amazing. Wow. What if I went with a bowel? Oh, my God. Please give Michael a guy. Please. Oh, my God.

Please give Michael a guy. I imagine if he was your step daddy. I would support that 100%. Step Daddy Andrew. Yeah. But you don't like how I look. Actually, no, you're fine with it. My dad doesn't have any curtains.

Okay. And he's been there for about three and a half four years. I was getting an eye mask. Oh, I thought you meant he didn't have a vagina. He's got a cunt. I guess vulva? I don't know. What's all the curtains are balls?

The point is, hello. My mom just did a full Catherine move on a guy. And then he just stopped texting back. So basically, what happened? Okay, not loving the setup of the story. I don't know why I said it up. that way either. I guess that was the thought you were meant to have inside your head, but fine.

My mom came up to visit me and I was like, oh, you're still seeing, she calls the one guy hairy guy or something. And she was like, oh, yeah, but then there was this other guy. And so I was like, working up north. And then I was like, oh, I don't really want to go home yet. So I was like, I messaged him. We've been talking. And I was like, oh, like, if I came to your area, like, and just like hung out, would

you be around? He was like, yeah, I'll show you around. She was like, great. They had like really good chats. It was really interesting, really fascinating. and then he invited her back to... Does Anna ever think she's had a bad chat? Okay.

She has a lot of good chats because she's a good conversation. Yeah, no, no. That's true. That's no shade. That's genuinely no shade. This guy works in like philosophy or something. She was like, it was really good chat. But also like no shade, don't you ever, do you ever find sometimes like when you're like a sociable person,

people will often be like, this was so fun and you're like, I had no fun. I got nothing from it. You just felt fun because I'm good at this. I think when my mom's been so long when my daddy works in sewage and there's nothing to So, like, anyone who says anything, she's like, you're a genius. Okay. Let's fuck.

Michael. And so, basically, she, but then he invited her back to his house to meet his dog, which feels weird, like, to fuck probably. You're right. I would go. So she went and she was like, it was disgusting, Helen. It was so filthy.

It was gross. And I was like, okay, yeah, but it's a fast date. So, like, what do you do? And she went, so I said to him, I gave him an ultimaton immediately. You text me every single day. and I want a picture of the area of this house you've cleaned. And she said to him at the beginning that she's like,

you need, I can't do this unless you sort this out. And I'm like, you literally just went for one day, hang out. What do you mean you can't do this? And then, so then he texted the next day being like, hey, how are you? I see yesterday. And she went, picture please. And then he just like ignored it.

And then like a couple of days later he messaged being like, oh, there's a really beautiful moon out tonight. Let me send you a picture of the moon. And she went, and the picture of what you tidied. and then he's just not Texans. It's like, what are you doing? In my defense, I would have actually left

and come back with cleaning equipment. Like Monica and France. And done it for him? She said she's not doing that. She's 69 now. Good for her. Not cleaning up their shit, but she will expect them to do the work

even though they live like other ends of the country. Date one. Mad, isn't she? Date one. But to be like, you sort this out or it's over. It hasn't even started, love. It's why I was just there going, oh yeah, okay, so it sounds like not a new stepdaddy for Helen.

Like, not quite yet. See, what she wants to do is the same move, but with men who need her more. So I'm thinking, like, people living in studios, you know, who are like more excited about merging their lives with yours rather than a person in a huge, giant, messy house. But she wants to travel. I think she should just go on one of her little fuck tours again.

it's horrendous that you just said that about your mother have we spoken about this before my mom's fuck tours she like she um it's amazing she just all these like really big okay or just like through shropshire outside of the UK it's been in the UK because of like lockdown but she did like the Camino way where it's like it's meant to be like a spiritual it's a spiritual journey it's a spiritual journey but she found out before she went on a group that she joined on the internet that you can like make yourself available to the people walking it by like so like obviously it's like it's a constant pilgrimage walking so you wash your clothes you pin them to your bag and you walk along and they dry in the sun so she bought lingerie

just for display so and i wasn't aware of this until she was like i've got to do shopping for the communo way can you meet me and i was there helping her pick out her display this is a religious pilgrimage most people go like in grief in torment in torment she went in torment she went in torment but she wanted to like experience sexual frustration is not torment and i knew what kind of was so she's on a new journey okay and so she was like walking along with her bag of like like bras like no stop it like um which which which um nunnery are you staying at tonight oh my god that is fascinating fucking hero so she wants to do one around the temples of Japan of course she fucking does of course I wow I feel like I feel like the people who do the

temples of Japan won't be as receptive as like recently. But this is what's mad is she was like, I think I should go with someone to Japan. And the only person she can find who's interested in doing it is her friend's husband. And I was like, absolutely not.

No, it's like a friend thing. And it's like, no, it's weird. It feels like you're trying to steal her husband. Yeah. That's insane. Right? She needs to find someone new or just meet someone when she's out there.

Yeah, that's crazy. Because I'm not fucking doing it. No, absolutely. I'm not fucking walking around my mom on a fuck tour. Would she pay? for me to go out there. Yeah. I think she would if I went on the, but then it would, like, she, oh, yeah.

You could just be like, oh, you go for the fuck walk and I'll have some cats to. But we're like, we're like, we're not like close in a traditional mother daughter sense, but we're close in like a weird way. Like the day this comes out, I'm actually doing a eulogy with my mother as a double act. Excuse me. Excuse me what? The 21st. That's the 21st.

I will be. What? Is this out on the 24th? What? I will be in Newcastle. I will be in Newcastle later on. Why don't you get your own billing? I was asked to do the eulogy.

Is that not the logical question? When said person who's passed, rest in pace, died in the hospice, he said that he wanted me to do the eulogy. But Anne obviously... Wait, she wasn't asked, so she said... I think she was also asked. I think we were both asked. She was like, he said a double act, and you're like,

no, he said... Helen. Helen. And Anne. Helen, please. That's amazing. But I'm like, we can't... Can you do a double.

black to I mean I've done a eulogy before and I killed like it was it was a good set for me and it was tough it was really tough because I was like I could see his mom and she was crying and I was like was it like but it was like we we knew what we wanted you know what I mean for that one but this one I'm like I don't I don't know you know how to tone it wow I think I'm going to have to riff it out on the day God that is exciting and everyone's got silent yeah no advice I think you've actually finally stumped us. I think we're like,

it's always tricky because people think they want a comedian at their funeral, but I don't know if they actually... I don't think that's a common thing that people think is it? I was just at a wedding and... No, they do.

I think people are like, oh, light relief. I was just at a wedding and actually, I was wondering if this happened to you guys. And I wonder what the equivalent is for other people. But so I thought this wedding

I was having a lovely time, a wedding of my best friend, so so actually like happy to be there. I had a nice dress on. I was having a lovely time. The food was incredible. Yes, please. But this art thing happened that I noticed happened

where people who I didn't know but had heard I was a comedian approached conversations with me I think in a way they wouldn't have if they didn't know I was a comedian in a sense that like I think you know when you don't know something at a wedding you're just like hey how are you what do you do

How do you know the happy couple Are you having a nice day? What a lovely outfit all the usual stuff and instead people like came with like they're sort of like with like a sort of roasty energy. Oh, I know that. Come on. Yeah. I just didn't. I wasn't expecting it.

And I wasn't ready for it. And also because it was Georgie, I was already crying for most of the day. You're already having a fragile day. Yeah. People come in with a zinger. Absolutely. What? No. Yeah. Exactly. I was just like, what? Sorry. Huh? Like just really intense vibes. And I, I wasn't prepared for it. And also the rest of the day was, do you ever do you get this as well where like people? We're like, the drunker they got, the more overtly they'd like try to ascertain whether or not I made money from stand-up, which is my favorite. I haven't had that in age as my own family duo, but I haven't had somebody else's extended family doing in a while, you know, where they're like, they're like, so stand-up, eh? But sometimes I just genuinely curious.

No, for sure, but they can't just be like, how do you make a lot of money from that or do you make enough money? So they're just like, are you, stand up, stand, up, stand to you, are you renting? And you're just like, yeah? Interesting, interesting. Oh my God. It's just like, it's just mad. I just tell them how much I get paid. You say, like, oh, I got this for this, this for this.

That's how it works out. I didn't, I didn't do that. I always get at, and you're making a living? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one's so insulting because that's like, what about me looks like I'm, well, that's sad. You just like, I've got enough code. And then you walk off

No matter what, ideally an older family member, they go, and is it going okay, you go, well, I'm having a whore night, so that's what you mean. And then you just trundle off and finish the eulogy. Yeah. It's going to be a great family funeral. Should we bring on our guests?

Sure. How else would we wrap of a horror night bush to bring on our guest? She's an amazing comedian. Paul's coming back as a word, right? We're like, we're fully in bored with using it again? Or is it like still out? Sure.

Patriarchy reigns, if that's your question. Does it? Yes. Oh, I thought we smashed it. It's crazy now. We've not smashed it. I mean, I like, white women, I guess, are like slightly allowed. I just had a rumor we'd smashed it.

I don't know where this came from. No, I think we still, there's still work to be done, I'd say. Oh, oh, equal pay and the free in the nipple. Oh, no. Those are your first two issues? Okay. I mean, I guess equal pay, we're not. Oh, sexual assault!

No, yeah. I knew that was the big one I was forgetting. I'd have also been like, if we were smashing the patriarchy this week, you know, the prime minister is endeavouring to cure trans people of... Don't. Oh, my fucking, it's insane. What do you mean, don't? You were like, is it not smashed?

I wouldn't be bringing it up. No, no, no, I'm with you. It's fucking devastating. It'd be weird if you were against me. It is devastating. Yeah, no, I agree. Like, what the actual fuck? Yeah.

I'm not surprised by anything they've. do at this point that bunch of fucking crass and cunts but like but obviously of course it's like okay we need a scapegoat we need a distraction from our imminent removal so who is a what is a social like or a culture or where we can begin or at least engage in that victimizes people who don't have the same degree of voices we do who are already being like going through horrific times most stages who can we who can we get the like worst trash people to on board with and then still in like entrenched yourselves with the apparently elderly and vile. Oh yeah, this tiny minority of people without access.

Like go for bimbos. At least we weren't real. Right. You know what I mean? Like, if you want to pick a girl, go for me and my girls who are like, oh, like this. Fucking dry-dying on her. Fucking band-scented candles. Why would you say?

That isn't it? Okay. Welcome to our girls. It's Amy Glettill! Thank you so much for listening to Trustee Hogs. For anyone who doesn't feel like they get their full fill of hoggy goodness during the main episode, you can join us every single week for an extra episode. There are over 27 extra episodes out now.

If you join us, it's just £5 a month. That's basically the price of a glass of wine, which realistically, you're probably buying where you have to listen to this. It's a lot. It's emotional. So instead, support us, allow us to keep making this podcast and we will reward.

Fuck, I was doing so well, Catherine. I think it's still going well. Keep it up. Keep going. Keep going. Okay. We will reward you with an extra episode every week and lots of other benefits.

Join us on trusty hogs forward slash patreon.com. That's a good deal. Do I get it right? No, patreon. Patreon.com forward slash trusty hog. We hope to see you there. Hello So I was talking with them

I feel about we gave you food and then we're like let's podcast so apologies like a challenge you've given me like what she's going to do is she going to be professional or she's going to eat? I like you've got the option of satsuma and chocolate

and you've opened both at the same time what was your plan my love? I was having a little mouthful of chalky nice little segment of sat To make like a Terry's sort of a situation Isn't that a caramel chocolate though She's a modern day don't French I love it

Modern day like Don French is dead I'm like modern day don't French Rest and peace dawn Yeah R&P Dawn one Oh we're gonna feel real bad if she dies between now Next Thursday now then No she won't No she wouldn't I don't even know why I said it

I'm sorry everybody oh my god Why would you say that I'm sorry that was crazy My friend's been to her house What apparently it's beautiful Of course it is she's the nice woman. My friend filmed like a TV show that they were both in together. And she was like, oh, you feel free to come pop by mine any time. And she was like the nicest woman. And I was like,

I can't believe you went to the Vickers house. I know. Geraldine. Like insane. How's the cotty? God, she's lucky. That's one of the hardest things I think about being our generation is just watching people from Vickra Dibbley die each year. Like, Christ on a bite. Every year, we lose one of the gang. We do. Who's gone? Oh, my God. Jim, Alice, Owen. Alice has gone. Yeah. What?

Yeah. Are you okay? Is this a joke? What? I would not. I joke about many things. Many. We don't usually bring people on to the podcast to say, what's your favorite television show and then go, great. Let's go through who's dead.

So, God, we're disrespectful. I think only people left are Hugo, Dawn, and David. No. Yeah. That can't be it. The Tish has died. Yeah, I think. Maybe Frank's for the life.

Owen's died. Owen's died. You see it? Where have you been? He was the best one. I know. Because of the beach reality jokes. Just the bit where it's like, what have you been doing? Oh, just standing in a field.

Do you know the bit where he's talking about the cow's talking? Oh, it was the best. But also in that way, we're like, you know, in teen movies where the, like, girl takes off her glasses and she's super hot? The sense with him was always, I felt like, if he took off the flat cap and got to, like, shave. But he did. Didn't he that one episode? He arrived at her house to date her? It's a classic middle-aged dad thing where you're like, oh my God, when you shower, you're

fucking fit. How crazy. Really? No, like, that's the equivalent of the teen thing where she takes the glasses off. It's like, hot man showers

and then you're like, oh my God, yeah. Anyway. I never had glasses so I would take my bra off and be like, she's here. And they're like,

you're 14? Absolutely not. What do you do when you don't have glasses and you want to level out? Oh my God. Oh, you're very similar. Fascinating.

It's amazing when like, I used a tampon for the first time like a couple of days ago in ages because I've been on the moon cup since I was 18 like I honestly for like 12 years I must be like one of the first people to get it She thinks she invented moon cups The Trailblazer

Yeah the whole time she's, she'll tell you She's the first one in Britain I was one of the actually do I tell you the woman She's still using the same one and we're like Just get a new one and we get it It was recommended to wind up your moon cup We get it it was an original OG moon cup It's made of wood

They do go out of date. And that's one thing I will say. I told you about my discharge. Yeah, you've got to change them. You do. We know. Okay. So.

This is a lot. There was a lot of, has happened to me in just such a small amount of time. You're fine. You're fine. In a segment of that. Tell me about your discharge, Helen. It just went really funny. And I was like, and I wasn't like boiling it every single time.

But enough that it was like, it wasn't like stained. Like, I mean, it got darker over the years. as it would, but now I do replace it every couple of years, yeah. Because it's just, I just don't, you know what? Because there's always something coming out of it. That's just a God given. That is just a God given. You know when you get to the end of the day and you're like, when did I come?

You know, some people? What got me today? You know, I was just at school. And then you remember Mr. Manzoukis and it's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Helen, we bring guests on and what do we do? Welcome. And then? Ask them how they are.

Ask them a goddamn question. Try it. How are you? I've been better. Follow up question. Go? You got any nice plans for Christmas? What?

Just getting all my friend's new moon cups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a medium. Are you? Really? Yeah. I know everyone assumes I'd be a large because of my personality.

And my mind's based on seeing your vulva. Yeah, well, I know, because outwardly, We've already just discussed this, but outwardly I've got a very present vagina. But on the inside, she's shy. Oh, you can get in, but you've got to ram for the last bit. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think when vaginismus starts about three inches in.

That's not a vaginismus, then. That's just a cervix. That's not a vaginismus. Sweet God. It's not meant to come up to your throat. I like to feel my tummy being tickled on the inside. Amy. Oh, do you know.

Hi. So, where are you from? Hole. You're from a hole, you're from a hole, yes. You do comedy, is it? I think so I don't remember anything before this conversation. I'm sorry, I'm having one of the best days in my life. That happened a lot.

I'm having such a nice time with Amy. I found out that my friend had toxic shock syndrome. I've never heard of anyone having it. People already have that? Yeah. I thought it was just like, one of the things where they're like, if you keep your face like it'll get caught in the wind, kind of. That's what I thought.

she legit had it as a woman because she'd left a tampon up there, forgot about it, put another one in it. But it'd been up there for a week. No, well, oh my gosh. And then she started getting really ill. And then, you know, they're scanning there doing blood tests and it's like, we don't know what it is.

No. Yeah, it took months to find out. Wait, so was it still in there by the time they're fair? And was it one of those ones where they had to like surgically go in and get it out with like a tweezer? Yeah, it started sort of attaching itself to the survey. Do you want to turn off a video? for a second so we should all check.

We don't need to check. I want to have a little dig up actually. I don't need to check. I'm good. I know that I'm good. You definitely know. That's like this girl I knew who once went to the toilet and she shit out two condoms from her asshole.

Guy left up two condoms up her. That is... Oh my God. Was he worried about getting her pregnant that much through anal? That he was like a rubber twice. From Hampshire. And she just went to the top.

toilet at the airport going holiday with some mates looked back as you want to, you know, some people do look back. Yeah. And I look back. Imagine if she'd gone to the airport, gone through, I mean you've got it. Sometimes it's a phantom poo. If it's not there, it doesn't even happen.

Oh my God. When you think you shit, but you have, that's so mad. But I always think it's gone under the u-bend. Okay. I'm just thinking, imagine if she'd gone through the thing and they like could see that she had two condoms. in her and they took them out

and she didn't have drugs they'd be like they're in your system cum smuggler yeah or they'd be like oh we've got one of them cum smugglers

getting back oh my good boy Jesus and Christ what airport was that for you what airport was that for you would be like London City a business trip thank you

really felt like John Lennon Airport like the sipping vibe to it do you remember that show airline it was incredible. It was like one of the early reality TV shows in Britain. Is this one of the ones where they basically stop people and are like, oi? No, no, it was just people getting on flights and getting off them.

And then their ticket would be cancelled, the flight would be delayed. And they'd lose their mind at some young lad who are working there. And then they'd be like, thank you for watching the airline. And it was amazing. What? It was so good. My parents came to see me and I don't know what age your parents are if they still do this. But I realize what generation my parents are because when they come visit, they went for an airplane get really dressed up

isn't that like what? Yeah they're still of a time where like because you know when people were like going on the first slice of man's time like in the history of man they'd be like oh yeah we should probably put some lipstick on

my mom like gets her hair done puts a good shoe on gets her like my dad's dress like in his Sunday best stop but in his robes no not his red but like best suit she has a kind of like she has a matching handbag and scarf and you're like

Oh my God. If they're going down, like they're going down cute and it's just crazy. It's so sweet. I just think, sorry, I just wanted to add something wholesome.

It's mad if people go to the airport with makeup one. I never understood airport with makeup. I go with the bare face and I lose my mind in the moisturizers. Oh yeah. And also like, also I dress exclusively as a condom in fact.

Like just like all grey. Just loads of empty pants on me and I'm just like, test it, touch the touch the test. Spelling of every proof. Oh my God. The Pust touch a pink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's what you would go with a free perfume? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Then I'm traveling. I pretend that I'm 13 and I'm like, it's mad that I'm on the plane by myself.

And in a man, I got no one looking after me. I'm a baby. I'm a baby. Look, I can move my skinners. It's so fucking stupid. Can we move this loomed up baby from your baby? It's so slippery. He's right.

I'm four. This is such a hard You see me on a flight Make sure to say hi to me Sweet God They won't even need to say hi They can just check their reflection in you What is that

It's so fun Because it's like you just layer on the serums Because like someone told me you get dry skin in the air That's bullshit right No no I got told your skin dries out Anywhere where there's like They're circulating the same air over and over again

You will get drier skin for sure. But I don't think you'll get it from London to Spain. That's why you're supposed to put hand cream on your face

before you get in a plane because it's really moisturising. Incorrect. Correct. That's crazy. Amy, you're doing Edinburgh. Isn't that exciting?

Which is a place you can also fly to. I am now. So shiny. Hellen up with the ones sliding down the aisle. squeaking into the seat beside you like

okay great so you're going to Edinburgh you are part as the delightful sausage at both oh my God

could you say that word again birth oh god one more time Bebh oh that's lovely that gave me it was such a weird feeling of my

no it gave me a lovely feeling in my tummy but I'm confused yeah I think for you maybe both is my favorite one but you it's mother

I love it when you say mother mother Oh, yeah. Modder. Modder. Mother. And Helen, I like it when you're quiet. And now we start, Helen, trying to be quiet of the episode.

Talk about your careers and then we'll get back to shit in moisturiser. The inverted cover. That was a bit more. God, talk about your careers. Did you both enjoy doing the match report? Yes. Yeah, it's really good at shit. It was fun to work.

So you're going as the delightful sausage. which is your double act which is my double act who have previously been nominated for the Edinburgh Award so pretty damn and I love Chris who you do it with because Chris's wife

saves Soneil's life exquisite me oh in the stream yeah he can't swim and he went in the swim because all the other boys were doing it he stopped having a panic attack what in a stream in a stream when you say she saved his life

did she just like hold her hand out and say come out of that exactly that yeah and she was like Are you okay, do but to save you? And she was like, no, no, no, no. She was like, no, let me. Oh, God.

And then she pulled him in. That's insane. Wow, that is a gift. That is a gift for the tale. Okay. I love that you brought that double act. Nominees of the Edinburgh were back to you that fast. Furness, you were like, yeah, but also here it's a shiny thing.

Incredible. So you're going at the light of sausage, and when you go as a single, do you go as delightful or a sausage or just as Amy? Just as Amy. Okay. Interesting choice. Yeah.

But good for you. So we're doing a shot at 1245 and then mine's at 3.30. Holy fuck Amy. So it's like quite a big, big injection of anxiety. Big afternoon. Big afternoon. And like bed by six. We're never going to do that.

No. You will. You will one day. And all you have to do in between time is have a nana and a wank because it refreshes you and bully. Yeah. Yeah. Like a. What?

Because you're like a wang. in the middle of the day. Can you lose potassium when you wank? Hello. Doctor? Is there like a balance? Andrew, I would love it if we could have a Google of that, please. Okay, I'm on it.

I would, Andrew, I'd really actually quite like to know that. How would you like me to word this Google search? What is potassium in lady cum? Okay, I'll put the exact words, is potassium in lady cum. In lady cum. And in the meantime, where is your show? both at Monkey Barrow oh same yeah what time are you on 320 you'll never see each other every day yeah exactly that'll be nice that will be nice

congratulations on your lovely show times there is potassium and lady cum excuse me I want to how so this is that about semen sorry that I just realized oh course it's a follow-up um question so I googled is potassium and lady come thank you weirdly there wasn't anything but there was a follow-up question which is what nutrients are in female sperm oh yeah exactly female sperm i don't know i thought it was just liquid

what's female sperm i i don't know i that's surely not is that not that not that's i think the word is ejaculate what not sperm oh is it ejaculate female ejaculates not sperm if it were i could get ladies sorry what isn't it then i started typing female ejacula and the first suggestion is female ejaculation during ram

Dan. Can they? Surely. Surely. They've got clubs. If you're hungry, you'd want to come, for sure. No, but they can't have water. They can't drink water. I don't know if you want to lose any.

How much water is in your ejaculate? No, I don't ejaculate. Mine's like a dust cloud, like a dry, cummy ruck. Because it's coming right from the back of your vagina right through it by the time it gets to. It's coming through four old tampons so it gets dehydrated. it comes out like an inhaler running out. Like a peak flow test.

Oh! Could you imagine how great that would be? That's not. No, it's how they choose the Pope's tight. Oh, is it now. Fuck's sake. Don't ruin it with your facts. For fuck's sake.

Wait, so what is in lady? What's in ejaculate for women? What do we have in it? These are very like wordy scientific articles. It's called... Watching this gay man, trying to... He's literally like...

Whitting at his phone. It appears to be some sort of... It's originated in the Volvo. Say to you. I think the general consensus is there you do lose some potassium, yes. There is potassium in your agenda. Okay. Okay, so you are going to need that banana? Well, well done, Helen. Where did you get that fact from?

I don't know. I just always, it's like a great way to refresh yourself. No, she didn't have a fact. I was simply backing her up while checking and then backing her up. I didn't know it as a fact. I just thought that was like, you know when you're like, so I did that year at Edinburgh where I did a it's called intuitive eating. I don't have you heard of it. Yeah. That's what it is. It's intuitive eating. You nailed it.

But surely female ejacula has loads of good stuff in it. Because like, you know the period, like we're losing a baby during it, right? Oh no. There's an egg's coming out. Okay, 1980s, cancel. Have your period. It's like, against God. That's a baby.

No, that is. But there's an egg coming out of you, right? Yeah. There's loads of like nutrients in a baby. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just saying. I was so impressed with your initial fact. So I was like, wow, you are so in tune for a day.

And now you're like, so like eggs and babies come out over period. Sunny side of baby. Go ahead. Think of the eggs. Wow. Okay, well, where were we? So you're doing Edinburgh, Amy. I'm in Edinburgh, yeah. Delightful sausage eggs, that's how we got there.

Now, we'll come back. Eggs, bacon and toast. Eggs, bacon and toast. Why don't you start your... day the gurgid's way with eggs, bacon and and is the solo show what's that called? Oh, that's called the girl before the girl you marry. Oh, I love that.

Okay. A really good title. That's phenomenal. Are you think your first hour as well? That hurt my heart but I loved it. It's your debut. Oh, that's great. That's so great. And so, can we ask what it's about? Well, one of the stories is about, very quickly... You don't have to be quick. Helen told an extended story about her hypothesis on... On her hypothesis about baby eggs being full of nutrient.

Yeah, but how did that go? I know, right? You know what? I'm learning. Keep it quick. Keep it quick. In a nutshell, I fell in love with a boy. He fell in love with me too, but he had a girlfriend.

Oh, no. But he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy, but we'd fallen in love. We were like best friends, we'd fallen in love. And then we were going to a New Year's Eve party where the girlfriend would be there as well but he took me to the pub before the New Year's Eve party and he said for the first time he's just like,

look, I need to tell you that I'm in love with you and me and this girl are going to break up and next year it's all about us and I don't know if you feel the same but I really love you and I was like I really love you and it was like oh I'm amazing and he was like okay so we're going to go to this party but I'm going to have to be with her

and I was like no problem we go to the party midnight comes there's the countdown everyone's going to kiss at midnight and it goes three two one Excuse me. What? What? What? You shouldn't have told us that on the podcast. That is a great show. You should keep it for the show. You don't give away your best job. Oh, take that back then. When was this? When was this? Can you just like see out the final line? And then just got caught to us being like, what? Can we all just quickly, before we solve someone's problem, because we don't know what this could be. It could be very serious. Let's all just regroup as three. women okay in a world where you can be anything be kind cheers all right Andrew we're ready okay this is from Elle hi Elle L says hi hogs I love your

podcast I may be the youngest listener I'm 16 oh L oh goodness okay well 16's fine the thing is the toxic shock syndrome thing shouldn't happen if you just change it every four to six hours I think you're good four no you can Pursure. No, no. That was the question. We've solved it already. Oh, you're going to be it.

I don't know. So you can leave it in overnight. Like it's fine. These aren't contact lenses, Helen. No, Alan. No, no. Elle, I'm just, oh God. Okay, sorry.

Go on. Elle listens every week. I enjoy hearing your answer other problems. So I thought I'd write in with mine. Yay. I feel as though, ever since the lockdown ended, I've noticed myself getting less and less than as confident. Before it started, I can remember being really naturally talkative,

a good public speaker and able to hold a conversation with pretty much everyone very well. but now I feel self-conscious whenever I talk to anyone I'm not very comfortable with I get frustrated with myself as it feels so unlike the old me but I feel almost unable to finish conversations

and I find it really hard figuring out what to say or processing what people are trying to say to me often don't catch on to jokes and things like that until after the conversation is over I don't like that, unlike this now and as a result I overthink all in my head during every conversation I have I don't know whether it's some sort of awkward teenage phase

or I just have to accept that I'm not the expert I thought I was but I was wondering if you could give some advice on how to improve confidence and communication skills. Thank you, Elle. I don't want to be the three white women that diagnosed someone with social anxiety,

but... Well, there would only be one woman doing that, so... That, I totally... Right. I totally understand this, though. I do. That feeling of being in a conversation you're not present in it or that you can't quite keep up

or you're like a beat behind or like, and then you get really paranoid about it and then you go home when you replay it in your head a million times, I had that for years. And then when I fell into depression and got diagnosed depression and anxiety, that was part of it.

And I didn't realize that. I thought I was just a bit like off. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would also say, like, it could well be that. I think also it's important to remember that our lives changed for a significantly long enough time

to create new habits. So, like, we spent a year and a half inside without that degree of social interaction. And so obviously things change. Like, it is more. socially taxing to have, like more mentally and emotionally taxing to have social conversation now. We are out of practice is what I would say. Like, and therefore, of course it's more tiring and also, you know, we feel like we had the sense that we missed out and we

have to, there's more pressure on social engagements I feel now. Like we're all like got to catch up for this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were unobserved for a year and a half. Like we got used to just being ourselves with ourselves. And so suddenly it's like, oh God, you're more acutely aware people are watching you and observing you. But I think, first of all, everybody feels the same way. Secondly if you can learn those habits that like that you can learn that new normal in a year and a half

you should like that should be a confidence booster thing in the sense that it's like you will go back to how you were as well in a short amount of time it's just that we get used to our normal very quickly that's how humans survive so I think also allow yourself to see rather than going okay I'm not myself

anymore oh my God I need to be myself again or will I ever be maybe just start treating social interactions as practice like you are just going to practice getting being able to hold a conversation for longer like you have a chat with someone at school and go just so you know this was an audition for you you know this wasn't the real thing no you go like okay I am repracted I'm practicing a skill I used to have again until it's normal for me yeah I mean obviously if um yeah I mean that was a funny joke but I was just trying to be she's 16 Helen yeah let me be sincere for a minute

When you were 16, I feel like maybe you're just like every interaction is slightly awkward at 16, isn't it? I don't know. I think I felt like I understand that thing of like the difference between 14 and 16 where like I had a lot of confidence as a teenager and actually university sort of knocked it out of me because there was so much criticism and I felt like so much feedback all the time. And I think it's, if anything, all you're telling me is like you acknowledge that you're a cool person to talk to and that you have lots going on for yourself and you want to be. like you want to do yourself justice and I don't feel like you lost it I just feel like like you're going huh something's changed but of course something's changed if like an insane thing happened to all of us yeah it's really good to be that self-aware as well so know yourself enough at 16 to be like oh this has changed slightly like I would not have had that level of

I know elder genius we're all aware of that yeah my confidence would go up and down every single year as a teenager like I'd be like super cool 14 year old like third depressed 15 year old and then hyper 16 year and I think you'd just change so much still as well like I feel like I still do that now yeah like absolutely piqu and trough all the time and I think maybe Elle just take the pressure off yourself yeah exactly just chill and that's an awful thing to say if it's like mental health issues just be like just chill out no no but like just take the pressure off not every social interaction is going to be great sometimes you will leave them going like oh I wasn't didn't really listen to that conversation

I wasn't really in it it's fine no it's fine I reckon so many of us are doing that all the time Yeah. Don't compare yourself to the 16-year-old. I get it, I get it. Like, just because Malala's listening to everything really carefully and doing great stuff. She's not 16 anymore, she's married. No!

Yeah, that's like fully happened. She can do anything, can't she? Wow, that's really insensitive to Elle. She's a winner. Can we focus on Elle? Elle's a winner too. Yeah, of course. But, like, it's, you will always be talking to 16-year-olds

who will also be in their own heads and really anxious as well. Also, Elle, can I just like, I don't know that this is the best. Like, I feel like, I worry that. that Elle is listening to our podcast thinking, that's a normal way to speak to people. No. You know, like neither. Oh my God.

Can you let us know if you're basing, like, conversation off how we converse? It may just be that you're speaking at a normal pace with a degree of given take. With maybe like a measure of appropriateness. What was that? What was the appropriateness for the bunny? Because it feels like a distant,

being appropriate feels like such a distant memory. I thought I'd have to kind of, you know, hypothesize. I look, I just think, you sound like you're doing your absolute best and putting a lot of pressure on yourself after an insane amount of time away from people from social interaction from being observed

and yeah I think even if it is mental health issue which you're absolutely entitled to talk to your parents, your school, your teacher your doctors, whatever about I also think you still need to take pressure off yourself I'm often hard as a most pressureised on myself when I'm having a bad time just be well, just be better

just come on and so much of therapy for me is just like okay and And what if we just spoke to yourself like, you know, a person who didn't actively hate for a moment? It was like, oh, yeah, no, yeah, maybe I am trying, I suppose. Yeah. I think that's been all really good advice, Al. I'd say, listen to what Amy and Catherine have said.

I will say this. I witnessed this morning two of our friends having a social interaction. They're both in their 40s. And both comedians. And they both work by speaking, listening, talking. You know, they've done shows. and their communication this morning was one of them dancing

dancing around in front of the TV when I was trying to watch the Simpsons and the other one clapping along and I went right well he's going to go on his train now doing to say goodbye Saneal and he went oh bye and that was it

and I can tell you now neither of them are wrapped with anxiety or awkward about it they will both put that down to another great social interaction at the day of Phil and Saneal so it's all about perspective as well.

There is actually quite a thoughtful message there which is like also find people who you can just be quiet with. People you can just be silly with and people like also for ages after lockdown I'm still kind of doing it. I need to do activities with my friends instead of just like all the pressure

to talk because that's just everything is exhausting. Like if you you know if you're feeling like totally under pressure maybe hang out with your friends by going to a movie then there's something specific you can talk about afterwards we don't talk the whole time we're like go bowling. God I'm so old. Catch a movie.

Go bowling. Catch a milk. Maybe try roller derby. I don't know. What are the kids do? Ride a host to the next village. I have colour films now? Yeah.

Oh my God. Well, listen. We try. We try. Also, shout to you being 16. Can you plug us at your school assemblies, please? Oh my gosh. Yes.

Please. Do a school assembly beer. Oh, listen to trusty hogs. They're fucking mad cuts. Can you imagine if we got banned? You know, like, like, schools are banded. Like Pokemon cards sitting in crazy bones. Schools are banning trusty hosts.

I would absolutely be ecstatic. But also, we just said that we wanted to have normal, like, calm, social interactions. And you wanted to go into a school assembly. What are? Hogs? Where my hogs is there. Now, that is how you make some cool friends. Come into your family.

I actually, I'm genuinely terrified to think how 16-year-old girls describe this podcast, they're like, what are they like, oh, I guess like these two middle-aged women. These two sort of like spinsters.

Neither have a relationship. They cannot make it well. But they always have some sort of infection. Yeah, one of them's always got something coming out of her down the bottom. It's like a real warning. It's a real warning.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I really hope that's how they review us. Me too. I know. God, yeah. That'd be cool. So I can read it.

You're like, these two old hacks. Five stars, a cautionary tale. Oh my God, someone please do that. Oh my God, are we someone's awful warning? Do you remember like thinking about that? I remember that when I was like 18, 19, 1920 and I was like, I was working on like shops and bars in London and I'd see people who like wanted to do something and then like it hadn't quite worked out but they'd become like a manager at the shop of the bar.

And in my head I'd be like, that's a good warning, Helen. That's a warning. So weird. I know what you mean. No, I don't know what I mean. Are you now having a full conversation alone? Are you doing both parts of this? This is an example of what can happen if you don't work on yourself.

Yes, Helen, no, Ellen, yes, Helen, yes. I'll know what you mean to yourself is beautiful. I see you, I hear you. I see you, I hear you, I've got you, I love you. What the fuck is going on? Is it lunchtime? I feel like I need to go get a kebab. Oh, she's hungry.

I'm hungry and I ate my snacky. That's not yours. And I gave my mini eggs to them. Oh God, don't make them give it back. Oh my God, wow, well. Amy, thanks to her so much for her. there so much for coming on to our podcast. Thank you so much.

Oh, like a pizza. Where can people find you? On all the cool things for the 16-year-olds, like Instagram. Yeah. If you've heard of this, it'll be pretty big. Yeah. And I don't know what my handles are actually. We'll tag Amy and everything.

Just click on the link and follow up. You'll be eating a Fred. I don't know what my handles are. I don't have TikTok. Tell them about your podcast. She's got a very nice podcast. Oh, we haven't been doing it for a bit, can't be asked. But it'd probably come back in a bit.

Called a lovely time. Got a lovely time. Okay, great. So they can see. It's sort of like the opposite of this. Fuck you. We'll tag her and tag her. We'll tag her and follow.

She's not even on TikTok. Fuck's sake. Thank you for listening to Trustee Hodge. Thank you, thank you. Thank you to our producers. The amazing Kirillit, Richard Bicknell, SB, Dubs. L. Richard Bould, Sadie, Cashmore, Zoe, Melissa Dunkeld.

And then I'm going to take another breath to do the next row. Ready? Love it. Victoria Hutchinson, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Anthony Conway, Tim and Dom, Joe Holmes. Ready? Always for a minute. Always for me.

This is the longest, and this is the longest, and this is a lot of, like, first and surname. Always through the mouth. Claire Owen Jones, Kim Dove Gould, David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R, Neil Redman, Caitlin Liff. Sarah and Mully and I've still got rest left to spare executive producers

I'm still on the same person Oh my God Oh my God no Please take one more Janina Janina Bautista Mary Fogg Could you see a vein that just came on my phone?

Oh my God over here It's crazy Thank you to our producers Woo yeah Thank you so much This is why we want more producers So we can see if I'll pass out Yeah I love it

Or I could just do it Because it turns out I have much better breath lung capacity than you. I didn't know that that was an issue, but apparently I do. Thank you for your ongoing support. Of course, you gotta stop smoking.