Trusty Hogs - Ep3. OLGA KOCH / Piercings, Perineums & Thorpe Park

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

The Trusty Hogs are joined by Olga Koch this week as Catherine & Helen explore the pros and cons of inter-comedian dating; come to blows over UK theme parks, and overshare about piercings and threesomes...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)   Thank you to our Patreon supporters... EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman PRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Sadie Cashmore / Anthony Conway / Rachel R / Tim & Dom Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hey now. Welcome to episode three of trusty hogs. We're very excited to be. No, we're not making the snort a thing, Helen. Don't you think that's cute though? Like a little sort of like... You say it every time I don't think it's cute. Every time is episode three. Well, that's enough. That's all the times we've done it. Welcome to Trustee Hogs. Silence. Silence. Beat. Episode three with me, Helen Bauer. And me, Catherine Bowart. We're going to talk about it. The hoggiest hug of all. Fuck you The worst part is we both wore like baby hog pink today So we look like hot little pigs Through the fog Step forth the trusty hogs Yeah

You're gonna give me your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs.

Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. So welcome back. This is episode three. We're going to talk to you about our weeks. We're going to talk to you about our gossip. We're going to talk to you about our pain. What am I saying? I've got so much gossip.

Do you? Not really, no. I mean, it's been like an intense week for me on Pokemon Go, but that's pretty much my main focus. That is not the same as gossip. But I feel like four new Pokemon have been released. Wow, I don't have time. Listen, we're not getting into the movie.

And one of them looks like a poodle. Mooch, are you dying? uh yes a hundred percent yeah we should also explain we're missing andrew oh yeah okay so i was going to explain what the podcast is which is to say that we'd chat and we'd solve your problems but but yes i think a bigger issue is our usual right-hand guy i lovely little piglet andrew is sick he's dying well he sent a croaky message clearly didn't think that i would believe him so he's like good morning that's what it is i'm so ill so uh and hell and immediately He texted me and was like, he has something stuck up his butt.

I just love the idea. Like, so Andrew's sick so we can't make it, which is absolutely fine. But instead of messaging us, he sent a voice note to prove it, being like, as you can tell from my voice. And it's like, whenever someone's genuinely sick, it sounds like they're faking it. There's no way around it. Of course. It's so awful.

And actually, he works really hard. And today we have Mooch instead. Hello, Mooch. Hello. Hello. What was that for? I loved it. I loved it.

Mooch is going to take care of us today. And he's not really an animal. true kind of guy um no which by which i mean he's like wearing shorts even though it's the autumn yeah it's hot outside are you serious what is right are you are you irish yes uh that explains it okay cool no it is it's a pretty warm for us that's fair it's a winter chill in the air my love i know but i'm sweating yeah i relate hard to that i'm irish and heavy set so these two things equal instant sweat a delicious combo a delicious combo yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't know the irish for a sweaty people.

Oh, well, all the shame. All the shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all the shame. That really makes, it keeps me, keeps me thin. Good for you guys. Yeah, honestly. Not bad, not bad. I wouldn't mind some shame.

Honestly, but Andrew's not here, and that's fine. And we'll cope, we can do this. I'm fine without Andrew. I don't need that fake shit in my life. We desperately need him. If you imagine it for like episode three, I reveal that I'm not a fan of Andrews. Just like, he's a fucking liar.

He's a fake fucking liar. I'm telling you now. honestly I'm so done with this bullshit I'm already sweating because I'm like oh my God he has to do the edit and we need him so much Andrew please keep working with us you're a piece of shit but we do need you so please if you could edit this

and keep that is so hard to say you don't like him because he's so lovable so I think that makes me want to not like him because you know when something is so universally loved you're like I want to be edgy and say I don't like it I think that you need to ruin things that are good for you yeah that is 100% what it is I see that so you know like when everyone goes to like

everyone was obsessed with thoughts thought park at my school because we were close to thought park so like thought park was like the thing to do with the weekend like that's how you win the weekend okay i'm not i don't want to go into this like this is just old and tower is for the it's better and it's for the north thought park is in the south it's worse but it's closer okay all right i got you thought park's amazing it's amazing i don't know what you're looking at me like that when you didn't know what the troubles were i didn't give you as judgmental look as you just gave me when i was like our alton towers and thorpe Park different. The Troubles don't get adverts on TV. Thought Park does. Wow. I wonder why.

What was the Troubles advert being? It was the news. I don't know. History books. The point is, okay, go on. So tell me, so you were not a set. The news isn't like a 60 second segment on Channel 4 in between Super Size versus Super Skinny when I was growing up. How would I have caught it? Okay, you're right. You're right. Could you possibly? Unless they did the Troubles on News Round, in which case. Oh my God. Could you imagine? Do you remember News Round as a TV? show. Did you get this in Ireland? No, probably not. It was on CBC. So it was on like BBC 1 and it would be the end of CBBC before it goes into like two episodes of The Simpsons or whatever. And they would do news for kids, news round. But they would still do the news, but they'd water it down. Do you still watch that? It's not a bad way to stay in the loop. I feel like you should. It's good for me.

I don't think you do watch it. Did you know that we're out of Afghanistan? Did you know? I've been walking around for years being like I won't do this until we're out the Middle East and everyone's like we're out and I'm like when? Oh God Helen did you just okay do you think the big middle you know what let's not get into I know where the Middle East is

it's the other side of Turkey okay um right listen I don't even want to I don't even want to start the conversation because I'm scared of where it'll go can we circle back to Thorpe Park let's talk about Thorpe Park yeah because it's autumn Thorpe Park famously is open up it's fright nights it opens oh it opens what fright nights what's that it is when you can go and you

go into a maze and things jump out of you this is for children so i'd say young adults okay it's mainly for like teen moms like that's the main that's the like thought park market oh is it now and you go in a have you not seen these in like an american tv and stuff like that like they're really big there where you have to go through and you're like holding onto which of the shoulders and you go through a maze where everyone jumps out of you and they have like different crazy themes like the insane asylum oh you mean where like stranger things okay so it's where um like improv actors go to work yeah I get okay I get it now I get it now okay and then you're just sort of like walking through with your friends and then out jumps like a man with a chainsaw and then you go ah but then you've all got to stay in a chain and go through

to the next room and you do this for fun I don't do it for fun because you're not into Thorpark also because my reflexes are too quick oh I'm sorry and the one rule of I'm sorry, sorry, just to be clear, you're too much of a ninja for Fright Nights? I will end a life in a fun maze out of pure panic. Like, I cannot handle it. Oh, you're worried that you'll like karate chop someone's neck. Or I will just cry and fall to pieces and never fully recover. Okay.

Because I'm such a scaredy cat. Wait, which one is it? Are you too much of a scared cat or are your reflex is too good? It's a combo of both. Okay, wow. I'm a deadly combo. So you weren't into it in school? I never went for Fright Nights.

Okay, cool. I can do any roller coaster. But even now, if we were, like, leaving here and Mooch hid behind that door and I knew he was there ready to jump out with me, I couldn't leave. Okay, Mooch, I think we need to do ornamental. I can't handle a shock. Okay, clearly. But also, if you did get shocked, you would deal with it with nothing but violence. I think I would scream, cry, and then just, like, straight in the neck.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Like straight in it. Good for you. Or like fucking in the balls, do you know what I mean? And then hold on and pull down. I think you would just scream. I think there'd be just panic.

I think I'd kill. Oh, okay. I think I'd kill. Now I want to see it. Let's test that theory in a bit. There's a really funny video of Taylor Swift doing a scare maze online. I mean, you had me a Taylor Swift. And she's just like bargaining.

Like, you know that like mental health thing of like, when you bargain? Then it's like you're going in a bad place. She's like, if you let me get through this and I'll be okay. Oh my God. She just has to walk through this. I think it's like backstage at the Ellen show. Oh, for God's sake, Taylor. I forgot.

Remember when Ellen was a good lesbian and we could have enjoyed that story? I do. Oh, that would have been nice. Anyway, so we have moot here. We are talking autumn because the leaves are returning. They're fallen.

They're a fallen. It's autumn. Do you like autumn? The cups have changed. Not this one, but in general, cups have changed. What do you mean? Like the Starbucks, Costa Cup.

Oh, do they get like autumn cups? You get vibes. I love that for them. Also, all the Halloween stuff is out. It is. Like T.K. Max is. just pumpkin spice candles now. Oh, delicious. Are you an autumn fan?

I'm a fan of every season. Are you? I love a change of season. Even spring, which is so me. My birthday. Oh, that's why I don't like it. So I'm fully into it. Also, I like the idea of like baby sheep. I'm not around them being in London,

but the idea there's loads of baby sheep around is great. Apart from this year when Clarkson's farming came out and a sheep died and it was awful. Wow, that's ironic stuff. So my dream is, is that next spring I go to the beach. big sheep in Devon. What's the big sheep? It's a place where they got those at sheep.

It's not one big sheep. I do want to do a pig spearmes so I understand. Where's a pig spearm? You can do pig spearmes anywhere. You go and you hold piglets and you feed them and you stroke them and you can brush them. Shut your mouth. Are you serious? I'm 100% serious.

Do they do it like in London? You can rent pigs in London, which I feel unethical so I think I'll go to the farm instead. It sounds very Tiger King, doesn't it? Yeah. All right. Mooge with the judgment straight in. I actually agree. I think that's disgusting.

I'm all for talking. I'd be the hog queen. The hog queen. Will you do a photo shoot for this with pigs? Imagine this just all holding pigs. How about you with the piglets and me just with the mum? Yeah, like men hold fish and dating out. It could just be us being like, eh?

Oh, I'd love that. And pigs get that great thing. You know that look? You know when like a dog's had loads of babies and the titties are like... Hangin. Hangin. Do you reckon pigs get that as well?

Like the drip nips? Yeah. Probably. I think so. I love the set. several drip nip look you like i think as a fashion style you're into it yeah it is like um a complicated belt i suppose it's cute it's cute they should make those i'm down for it for women we would buy them i love autumn me too speaking of this has just made me think which is why do i have a segue from

from drip nips but i am currently wearing and i feel like everyone knows it even though no one could know i'm wearing a nipple ring in my ear um because i know it doesn't make any sense because yesterday that one um this one could you tell i feel like i feel like i feel like i'm walking down the street and everyone's like uh wait do you have your nipple pierced i had my nipple pierced shut up how do i not know i'm i'm a woman of layers you don't know me which one it was my least painful piercing as well my right by far my least painful piercing because i don't have sensitive nipples fun fact about me i guess you're learning a lot maybe can i feel it you can see it in the camera no i'm not going to show you my no no no the the piercing i was sorry i'm sorry i'm

I was like, fooge, I'm not showing you my nipple in the camera. To our YouTube to see a Catherine's nipple out. Just a little guy. But basically, yesterday, so, okay, pre-lockdown, I spent a little bit of money getting some piercings. I can't stop thinking about a nippering that. I know, it's crazy. And then yesterday, for the first time in ages,

I took them all out and cleaned them with lavender oil. And I don't usually take them out, but I think of lavender oil. Yeah, because it's antiseptic and it smells nice. And anyway, you get the sebum build up when you put pierce a few years. it can be gross anyway the point is that was too much information the point is I took them out

to clean them I cleaned my ears and I went to put them back in and I dropped one and it was an expensive earring so then I cried because it was my own fault because I did clean them

who tries to put earrings back in over the sink you're obviously gonna fucking lose one literally on that episode of keeping up that shit I'm so stupid diamond earrings yeah I did a kid I did a Kim

I was like and then I had to keep the hole open until I go back and replace it so the only thing I had that was small enough to go in that hole was a nipple ring. And so now it's in my ear. I cleaned it, obviously.

And it feels like, do I ever tell you why I got my nipple pierce? Stop trying to bond with me about this. Well, you have your nipples pierce. So, no. And I bet you have really sensitive nipples. No, I just, I am funny about the idea of me getting pierced on any sensitive area. So for me, nipples and clit, definitely not. I would not get my clip done, but...

Because my first awareness of, like, those sort of area piercings is from the sweetest thing where Selma Blair gives a blow job to a guy who has a cock ring and it gets stuck over her tonsil and she is trapped with a cock in her mouth.

And that fucked me up. That wasn't your dream? No. That wasn't your goal. I want to do... Some people saw that scene as aspirations. As little as possible. Yeah, okay, I hear what you're saying.

I hear what you saying. Yeah, that sounds like a nightmare to me too. um but yeah basically an ex-girlfriend had an ex-girlf so when i first started flirting with an ex-girlfriend she this is so oh my god this is such a horrible insight to my mind she mentioned so we were flirting but she had a girlfriend and and she mentioned uh that her girlfriend had a clip piercing and not to be out done oh this is so pathetic i love that i would do the same thing i would a hundred percent do I was like, yeah, please, we all have piercings. Yeah, yeah.

Like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, I have my nipple pierce. I did, read her, reader, listener, I did not have my nipple pierce. But then she broke up with a girlfriend and it became a parent, we were going to fuck. Then I had to get my nipple pierce because otherwise. Otherwise, you're a freak. I'm all. The things that you say as a lie that you follow through with.

Even though it was so easy to be like, oh, I don't know why I said that. I was saying so stupid. It was so easy to just not say it, Helen. How about that I could just not say it? I could just not say it. The amount of guys, I said, you know what? I just love giving blow jobs too.

To the age of like 20 is obscene. I don't. I'm bad at it. I fucking hate it. It's not fun for you. I don't know why I say it. Almost like they're going to be like, she's the one for me.

I found her. My intellectual match. Anyway, I had to get my nipple pierced and actually one of my least painful piercings. But yes. Which was the most painful?

I would say, weirdly the top of my ear. You know what, I had that done in Claire's accessories on Oxford Street for my friend, Libby Demond's 18th birthday. Because you told her

that you already had a done. As a present for her, I was celebrating her getting to watch me get my ear pierced. But then we went to Plano Hollywood, so it was all worth it.

No, I feel like all three of us got a piercing done at Claire's accessory that day. Oh, I thought she was some sort of masochist who was like, for my birthday,

I want all of my friends to pierce holes in themselves. I'll watch. Libby's 18th. me, Hannah and Libby all went up to London because that was what you do if you're from the suburb and we went to Planet Hollywood and we went Oxa Street and we got

piercings and I remember that being painful because I couldn't sleep on the side for like three years and then eventually I just took it out. Three years? It just really hurt but I also never cleaned it. What you're saying is you had an infection. I had an infected ear for three years

and it was my calling card at college. Everyone would be like do you know Helen? What Helen was the infected ear? Yeah, we do. She loves giving blow drops. Have you not heard? I will say I am, I'm going to go get more piercings. And I usually do like a bunch in one ear and then a bunch in the other so I can't have a side to sleep on.

Okay, yeah, yeah. But yeah. No, that wasn't. Yeah, so there you go. So I've only ever gone one and then one up there. That's it. I have my, I mean, do people care? Yeah.

Okay. I have my tragus and then I have two at the top of my left ear, two in the bottom. And then I have the top on my right. I know what that's called. and then I have three I have a little stack one on top of the other That's cute though

Thank you Well it would be cute If I didn't have a fucking Nipple piercing in there I know It's all I can think of now I know it's really hard Not to like to think of boobs

When you look at my ear Which I guess is And discuss this I know you haven't had it done But the clip piercing I haven't had it done I've never seen one though Do people get

I think they get their hood pierced Rather than their clip pierced For sure you have to You couldn't possibly get Can you imagine I would lose it Yeah I mean that's not right But also I don't think I don't

Like what if it came loose and someone choked or what if like oh you don't want an infection there that's the thing i sound like such an old lady i'm like because like haven't I'd get it so messy because it's a mess down there no but it does like talking about the fluids

the different bits and bugs yeah when you get your period I mean I know that's not like to be clear don't write in I know that's not where your period comes from no but like it's down there and then you're like wiping and also they always say like wipe forward don't they So I wipe forward because I don't want to wipe. Yeah, you always said wipe forward.

No, no, no, no. So when you're having a wee, you go from like taint up. Yes. Right? And taint backwards for poop. Which, by the way, is a privilege for us to say because all taints are different. I thought you didn't have one. And I was joking.

Okay. You didn't seem like you were joking. You didn't, you didn't sound like you were joking. Sorry, it's really quickly. No, you didn't sound like you were joking. No, no. Wait, I have what I'd say is on the smaller side of taint. Okay.

But you're not going to get confused. Like a mini-taint. Guys have got confused. But it's not like I've heard. I've heard that there are taints that are like, we're talking millimetres. Is that how men get in your bumhole? They're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Your taint's so skinny.

I didn't even notice. You know I've never done anal? Do you know why? Because no one's ever asked. Which is devastating for me. Like I feel like I grew up my whole life being like, guys fucking love anal. You can say yes if you want, but like it doesn't feel that great. I have never been asked.

Wow, what do you think that says about you? That's just my entire life to this point is everyone being like, oh, as soon as you start doing work in the entertainment industry with comedy, like, everybody's going to want you to take your tips out. I've got my tits out twice and both times I had to beg. Yeah, I will say, I've seen you get your time. I did it for free

for Comedy Central. They were like, even on the day, they were like, you don't have to do it. And I was like, no, I want to. But we don't have to. And I was like, let me do it. Helen, on our online show, you've gotten your tits out more times than you haven't. Yeah. And everyone's asked you not to. This is what I'm saying. I don't understand consent. Yeah, we have been over. That is true. I'm glad you're writing that material and working through that.

Thank you. Here's my question, though. Yes. What do you think it says about you that no man has ever asked for it? I don't, I think I give out the impression of someone who doesn't clean out their ass off. Oh, you think, oh, I thought it was that. Maybe it's like you're like such a lady. No. You think it's about your fibre thing?

I think it's that they see me and they're like, I'm not going up that. It's a messy gal. Not even with a hood on. Oh my God. even risking it. Okay, well, I'm really, we got from autumn to anal so fast,

and I'm really proud of us. But once again, it's not anal, because I've never done it. No, listen, that's fine. What else are you doing for him? But I'm not saying I want to be asked either. Do you know what I mean,

man? There's no shame. There's no shame. Anal's fine. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like, it's kind of like marriage, really.

You don't know if you wanted to be asked. Yeah, right? That's beautiful, me. But I would like. Wow, so philosophical. Cogito ego anal. Yeah. knee and and ask me yeah well ask me oh make you brought his own jokes and just gonna hate that

i love yeah that's lovely um but even then like it's pumpkin spice season it's not the time to be talking about taint sizes it's not it's not whatever taint size you have thank you so much for joining us here yeah we're so pleased to have you can i ask you a question how's your week been no it's been pretty low key okay mine's been off the chain by which i mean i did one thing i did one thing and I can't wait to talk about it. Off the chain? Where did I get that from? Off the chain.

It's like a phrase I heard in the 90s, but I really wanted to use today. Why have I said that? Off the chain. It's been off the hook. Tell me how wild it's been for you. It's been rad, man. Oh my God.

Have your Starbucks, one-point sugar-free, oat milk, ice americano. You were so mad about my order, weren't you? Only because I was already at the till. Number one, I don't particularly love getting drinks from Starbucks. Yeah. Because my family have been boycotting it since day one. because of tax

they're super liberal taxes I get it smart but it was the only option until you found a Pratt which is also open McDonald's so it's all pointless and I didn't need that order to be a drama

I had to deal with this morning but it's fine it's added some excitement to my week tell me the one thing that's happened to you in seven days I've started to learn to drive that's a biggie it is a biggie I'm terrified

I'm 33 I left it too long I don't have any spatial awareness I don't I'm not composed under pressure. I don't want to drive and I think that there's a reason that people shouldn't be behind the wheels of death machines. So why are you learning that? I didn't go in Cam. I'm going in because I'm going to lose to drive because my brother now can and he's younger than me because um yeah it's pathetic. Yeah it's pathetic. It feels pathetic because I think if I leave it any longer I'll just never do it. Okay. Yeah. I get that point of age. Also because I'm going on tour and um if the last

tour taught me anything. It's that men are as scary as you've heard. And I just think it'd be safer if I could jump in my car and drive away rather than have to run to train station. I agree with that. Yeah, yeah. Fun. Being a woman in company is a laugh. I think it is just another level of things to think about. Yeah, that people

follow the journey home. Yeah. Yeah. So it would be cool. That would be cool. And also like, can I tell you truthfully? I'm pretty smart and I've been in cars with people. So if I'm honest, Ellen, I kind of thought what would become a parent in the first lesson is that I just can drive. I just figured that like, I've seen it done a lot.

So I was like, this is going to be really awkward because she's going to be like, okay, here we go. Your first lesson. And I'm like, yeah. That's fucking stupid, babe. I have had one one hour lesson. So I did know. So that was years ago. But I thought it's going to be pretty awkward because I'm not even going to need her because it turns out I can't.

I've seen people drive so much. it turns out it's harder than it looks yeah yeah yeah it's a lot of coordination yes which I also don't I once got a school report that said Catherine is great at all sports except any of that involve hand-eye coordination

so what are you good at mind game? I can run running in mind games exactly that which counts for a lot in a lot Oh my games are the most important game yeah yeah but yes so do you think you're pretty

seriously do you think you're pretty because that'd be good if you did No, I think confidence is really important for a young woman. So you think you're pretty? But you're saying, are you saying it? Are you saying it? Wow. It's arrogant, but I respect it.

Yeah. You're my best friend. Oh my God. That's the ultimate mind game. That is the one. But no hand-eye coordination. Yeah, no, none. So that was amazing.

Thank you. I actually felt like I was taking back to school. Who, boy, I am going to skip lunch. Now, do you have an eating thing? Do you have a problem with food? I went to an all-girls school. If that's what you're asking now, here's a thing. I lost it forever

but the yeah so I started to learn to drive and I can't the real reason apart from the fact that I thought I'd already would so I was like this is going to be a bruise is I was like

I need new material and as you know being new material adjacent is almost as good as having new material so I figured if I learned to drive I'm going to a pelvic physio soon yes yeah so I thought there's new material on the horizon

those two things will be five minutes each right so yeah so like in the same way that you know when you go to like um shit parties because you think there might be five in it or like you hang or like you hang out with a person you don't like I'm still famously like mining my childhood and like I've only done one hour so I've still got so much I have blown a lot more and also now that I've started talking about my childhood my parents are a bit like could you talk about something else yeah I got a car plant so I'm learning to drive yeah yeah so but the the driving structure she was so lovely but I felt Like, she was like, I felt like she knew she was like almost testing me.

Like, because at one point she was like, what do you do? And I was like, oh, I'm a comic. And she was like, okay, cool. Anyway, next thing she said was, don't be thinking about everything you're doing. Remember, like, you're, it'll become second nature. And she just kept saying, like, the steering, that's your hand job, not yours. That's your hand job. She doesn't say hands.

She says, that's your hand job. She desperately wants to be in a sad. She wants to be in a sad. She is, like, it's too obvious. Like, I can't say that on stage. People were like, no, she didn't. I'm like, she did. And she said, that's your hand job, without irony, about 18 times during the...

She is gagging for a shout-out. Or she's like gas-lighting me and she's like, oh, fucking try it. And then, just as we were leaving, I was like, it was perfect because I was going to drive with her again anyway, because I liked her and she, we didn't crash, so that feels like, good job you. Also, a man beeped me in a van because I was going too slow, which is insane because it's my first time in a car driving. and when he did she just turned to me and she was like I will drive with you for as long as it takes

yeah she turned to me and she said to say you know I paid road tax so we're allowed to be here and I was like oh I love this woman so much confident I love it he beeped and she was like that's crazy because I've paid road tax and I was like oh god this woman will get me through life and where do you drive around because you're learning in London obviously yeah it's like residential area so cars are parked on both sides it's terrifying I can't believe I'm allowed to do it but we're allowed because she paid road tax so you can't fight her and how long's the lesson? I went

for two hours because I'm chatty and I just thought no no I get it I'm not going to learn anything in an hour I'll be busy telling her my backstory which obviously I was but then just as I was getting out of the car she told me like the most traumatic things about her life and it was such a brilliant I was like what an amazing sales pitch because even if I hadn't had a good time I now feel

one obliged obliged and two kind of on a cliffhanger I was like I need to know the rest of so I'm very excited to go back to drive with her. I love this for you. Yeah, thank you so much. And how long does it take? Do you reckon you're like passed by the end of the year or?

I asked her how long it took and she said it's different for everyone. It's different for everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But as you already know. Yeah. Like two lessons? I did mention, but what about the fact that I can already drive? Did you tell her about the amount of time you've been in cars?

I did. Did you tell her that you've been in like taxis, cars, bands, trucks? I did. I told her I watched formula. one she was not impressed she was like okay and I was like and you drive him work oh somebody's coming up the stairs do we need to pause okay but we can keep it all in one take I forgot to put the sign up oh that's okay that's all right that's what do you want to put the sign up now yeah yeah yeah even though I do think that's probably a good out for that oh thank you Andrew wants one take

and I think we should keep we need some extra material etc so oh how long was that that we are now on 30 minutes, but there was about five minutes of... Chat at the start, so we still need to do 25. Let's go up till half-past, so Andrew has extra material. But is that for... So should we say that's that, and then we'll do the extra material now? Well, let's wrap up the episode. Let's wrap up the episode, yeah, yeah, sorry.

But also, have we said... I feel like, what have we talked about? We've given you autumn vibes. We've given you nipple rings. We've given you learning to drive. Anal taint. And we have... Oh, we have...

Oh, my gosh, we should intro the section with Olga. That's what we should do. that's wise yeah so we'll do a little intro um Helen as you know show you the spot I did this morning do you remember like a couple of weeks ago I showed you a yeah and I'm sorry I'm sorry do you think that I hadn't noticed the spot until you showed me like this is are you serious oh what I put concealer on it um you tell you can you can see it in the camera but I thought it was going to be like a proper I did a little bit so me and Sneill are watching down to Nabby.

nails my housemate for anyone who doesn't know i'm sorry is this connected to the spot it is we're watching downton abbey and it was a scarlet fever episode not scarlet fever spanish flu bit of fun also do you know spanish flu started in america wow mind blind i mean yes but do they have um do they have a scarlet fever and a spanish flu episode i get confused because they start with s's yeah okay sure and i was like playing with it the entire time for the whole like hour right and then i saved it for this morning whereas usually i get really trigger happy with sort of like um spots but i was like um spots but saved this morning disappointing don't save that kids okay don't save your i don't know that anybody else saves them for like uh go for it in the moment i save them

as treats are your hands playing when you do this no i guys as dirty as possible okay yeah because otherwise you only get one shot at it you should me personally i like a couple of guys can i'd say pop some lavender oil and some water on a little um cotton pad and give that a dab and it'll heal up pretty fast no you got to stop thinking that people want to heal oh right okay my bad I don't want to heal. I want it to be a long, fun, popping process so that next time I'm bored at home and my house makes out,

I've got something to play with. That's genuinely disgusting. You don't have any time as you can wank in a row. Okay. But also, have you thought about, like, working? Yeah, well, my Furby I can't play with for that much because she gets tired of it. Kimberly's sick of you, yeah.

Kimberly's sleepy. My tamagotchies are dead. And if I revive them, then that's another responsibility that I can't take them right now. I don't think you're ready for you right now. And I'm trying not to binge. Okay, have you thought about, like, a hobby or exercise? Yeah, so puzzles is on break because Sunil's using puzzling table for Lego.

Oh, my God, he took over your puzzling table? It's fine. I'm fine with it. I don't even want to go into it. Are you? I'm genuinely not going into it. Okay, wow. Because I'm rising above it. Wow. I think it's mad that he's 40 and he's decided to take up Lego when he knows it's my puzzle table.

Did he ask permission? And I bought it because it was big enough for a thousand piece, but like... Did he ask permission? I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. Whoa. It's fine. Okay. I just think it's a toxic household now.

Yeah, should we have them on the podcast? Talk us through. He's doing the Seinfeld set. Oh, wow. I went to bed last night and on this morning. Half it was done. I was like, what the fuck? Where's he going to point it afterwards? Do you think he's going to try to put it on play in your house?

I don't want to talk about it. Cool. This seems like a really good time to intro, I guess. He just got a picture that he's ordered for the flat, but he sent a message of a picture of it being like, it's going in my room, though. It's a tiger with a sword going through its head. Why? Oh, God.

that's as bad as described. This is a new piece of art coming to a flat. Why? Anyone on YouTube, you can see it. Move it back a little bit. This one? Why? Oh my God.

The lights just went in. We just had a power cut. I really had a blackout. We just had a blackout. Oh, hi. It's Catherine. Somehow I have managed to be nominated. for the best baked, hmm, can't even say it, so on used to the success.

Best Breakthrough Act at the National Comedy Awards 2021. And if you like me, would you please go to the National Comedy Awards 2021 link? That's all you have to Google and vote for me in the Best Breakthrough Act category. I don't know, like all your email addresses, no pressure. But my mom would really love that, as would I. but sorry if it's weird to ask okay have a nice day okay so please go to

Patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs that's where you can find us Patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs even Helen can remember it you can do it too and four three pounds you get early access to every episode's 24 hours in advance you get the episode you're ahead of the curve why not five pounds you get that

plus an extra episode we're giving you another podcast for free for five pounds. Okay, yeah, three pounds isn't the drink. Five pounds is a dream. Yeah, like, why wouldn't that be your dream? And then 10 pounds, you get all of that plus early release, um, access to the tickets for any live shows we do. I know.

And 10% off tickets and merch. Yes, please. And we're making merch. Don't think that we're not. 15 pounds gets you a signed poster and all of those things. All of those things. And you put something on your wall. I don't mind if we do.

All of those for 20 pounds plus a producer credit. I'm sorry. You're now a producer of a podcast. We're saying your name on every episode. I'm not a producer of this podcast. You never will be. Like, it's crazy. Plus a mug that says you're a producer

so when people come around. You're like, oh, this. It's just from the podcast I produce. So cute. I know. 50 pounds. Who is 50 pounds a month? I don't know.

But if you do, like, give it to us, please. That would be amazing. But if you did, we would give you all of the above. So 24 hour early access, extra episodes. Early release tickets. 10% off those tickets for live events.

10% off merch. We'd give you a sign poster. We'd give you an exec producer title. and an exec, and we would make you a personalised video. I feel like we're giving them our soul from 50 pounds. Worth them. Every panny baby. Patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs.

I remembered. Thank you. Helen, we have a guest today. I'm so excited about this gas. Me too. I love everything about her. Yeah, she's a real funny gal. I actually think I have quite a lot of like,

I think I'm a bit uncool around her because I'm always like, be my friend. No. I bring that energy to it. I do. But you guys are already friends. Oh, but we seem to like, we've never hung out alone.

I guess that's kind of our, like, mad, sexual chemistry. I know what you mean. She is so fucking cool. So we have done latitude together twice. Yeah. And the first time we camp together, second time,

we weren't staying together, but we were like hung out the whole weekend together. We went backstage onto the main stage because we thought we had behind the scenes access and the whole time we were going up to the stage I can't remember who was playing

I think it was like Bombay Bicycle Club we were on the stage and she was just like yeah you just walk through and show you a band and I was like this can't be right this can't be right I was fucking petrified

every second she was like no no this is fun I was like I will die oh my gosh she's so cool she's so cool also like she's just I feel like

she's everything I try to be but with zero effort like you can tell it took me too hours and she just tries not at all. She's like effortlessly. Yeah. Yeah. She's great. Anyway, we're very pleased to have her on the podcast.

She's a very, very funny comedian. It's Olga Koch. Olga Koch. Yeah. Hello, welcome to the podcast, Olga Koch. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for being here. Yay. We're so excited. I'm in an unexpected turn of event. I'm going to take control of this.

Oh, wow. You're both losing your fucking shit. This is an absolute mess. In a big way. In a big way. You're a mess. I don't even know what's happening with you as like this truffle hunting dick pig. And I am genuinely so calm right now. You do have coffee on your cardigan. Okay.

But you know what? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love that Helen was telling us that she's with that. Community guidelines, community guidelines. I was so in control for a second there. But this, I'll do it like this. I am then.

He's doing a zoom in on your boobs just now. Absolutely fine by me. Can we get both of them? It's pretty shocking. Helen is probably in the best place mentally for the three of us. I've never, ever, ever, what? It's a poor reflection on us.

Helen is currently just holding her bosom and shaking them at the poor, poor tech. And we're still the crazy ones. Yeah, we're still the mad ones. It's absolutely true. I genuinely feel like I could help both of you right now. Oh, dear. You're mad. I don't want to be helped.

I want to dive into the deep end. Okay. Yeah, because I make memories this way. Good for you. Every two years, I have a meltdown, and every two years I do some mad shit. Like, last time I did this, I fucked a guy in a zip car van. I want to get there. I want to be in that place.

The zip car was stationary. Okay, and was he delivering things? No, we were just making out against it and then we're like, wouldn't it be funny? And then he just whipped out the zip car app and off we went. He hired it right there. Right there and it was hot as hell.

I was going out with the guy who drove a pickup grant and you feel good in it. Yeah. Because you feel like the team in a van. Okay, I get that. It's not like squeezing around into a car. You've got room to roll.

But do you also feel like set out for delivery? I mean, there's like a human trafficking element to it. Sure, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. But I think that's where the excitement comes into it. Okay, yeah, we all like, we all did drama at school. Do you know what I mean? It's like a little bit of role play. I didn't, but, um. Oh, yeah, but debating. Do you know what I mean? Also, you're naturally dramatic. So it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, tell us what your stress is. How is your, wait, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your stress? Oh, I am, is everyone else not having like an immediate crisis of everything post

lockdown? Like, I've gone back and I'm like, what am I doing? Why am I doing it? And Who am I? Why am I terrible at everything? Does everyone hate me? Have I ever been sexually attractive? You know, the usual sort of like Monday morning vibes. Do you want me and Sunil do at home? We watch Russian dash cam videos.

You guys are fucking mental with your cars. I love one. Just watch car crashes. It's really calming. Or that video from a few years ago where it was like our brand Disney characters fighting in the street. Do you remember that?

It was so good. He also just types in British pub fights compilation. We will do anything except try yoga with Adrian. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's absurd. But you've come in with a wonderfully manic energy to which I relate hard. And that is because you're in a...

Are we talking about it? It's called a sexual safari. Okay, great. Okay, so the thing is... A break. I have created the term and I talk about it that link. Then I strongly believe

in the sort of culture and power of a sexual safari. That being said. Yes. Is this bestiality? No. I don't mind if it is, I'd just rather know. Mind.

Can you stop calling Furies be... if you're the furry isn't an actual animal yes the furries are not beastiality and also I would mind if it was actual beastiality but to circle back for the listener I got broken up with on my birthday what? Yes I got broken up with on my birthday again I hope he never listens to this

love you babe. He definitely won't listen to this you're going to be like 25 minutes into the episode and we are a tough listen oh cool cool cool cool cool cool cool no way great broke up with me on my birthday then there was like weirdness because I was like do we get back together do we I'm not going to get into it, but now we're, like, technically on a break where we are allowed to have sex with other people. Are you okay? I, you know what I talked to about before the start of this recording.

If you call that okay, then I am a-okay. Okay, you fell off your chair, so it will be right, but... Now, you were going to tell us about your theory on comics, because I, I would say I don't think I should ever sleep with a comedian again, and you have a theory that you do sleep with comics and I... Okay, so I, I sleep with comics, and, I mean, I don't just sleep with comics, but also... I think you're both dumb sluts. I also, I also date comics pretty much exclusively. I've done both and I will never do it again. Fair.

But okay, so the thing is, I feel everything feels, and I think maybe it's because I'm in a romantic place, everything feels like an exact tradeoff. Like everything is easier or some games. So like the most amazing, like the better or something starts, the worse at ends, et cetera, et cetera. And so this like, I do think that like even though the fallout of breaking up with a comic is like,

oh, fuck, we're going to be on the same bill. We have the same friends or are we going to talk about each other on stage. All of that is horrific. But the buildup is so beautiful because no one in the world understands you the same way. And like the post-quoidal bits that you do are divine. That is very true. There is nothing better than post-sex making jokes at each other and riffing. Nothing, nothing at all.

And you can't do it with someone who is in a comic. Oh, I'm an improv person. Oh, please. Okay, I'm depressed, but not that. Yes. But also, can we just circle back? Because I do have to disagree. I think you can do the bits with non-comics.

But then you're soloing very much and they're just laughing at what you're saying. Hard disagree. I think you just want somebody who's dark enough that they can get on below. Yeah, but no, I need structure. I need people who know structure.

Judge structure, rule of three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe. You want to pull back and reveal during sex? I am so, again, sleeping with comics and having relationships with comics, but I totally get what you mean as far as, like, we're on the same wavelength,

we're all building up our sets. With, like, 24 hours between the next time we go on stage and they get it. So it's sort of like a thing. I do think there's a sure, your conversation to be had with a comic about whether or not the things you've just had a laugh about can be used on stage. As in like, I think they inherently know that if they've laughed, they've given you permission. Yeah. Whereas I don't think another, I think a person who's a non-comic is like,

sorry, that was quite a personal and private conversation. You're like, that's crazy. You laughed. I thought that meant that you knew that I would say that on stage. That's mad to me. But basically, what in your life has made you both feel so small that you have to be a chuckle fucker let's just get into it. This is how it feels to be on a date with you. Yeah.

What made you give up yourself and go for me? Actually, I exclusively fool for people who aren't in comedy but definitely don't fancy me back so I can fulfill

a tragic narrative of being rejected. That's like my whole life. Yeah, yeah, I love that. Yeah, you've seen me do it, right? It's like, I make it as painful as possible. They're like, you're gross. I'm like, I know.

Oh, what I like to do is I like to be given all of the indications from the very beginning that that will net, that I'll never, ever work out. And I think ultimately be told from the get-go that we're fundamentally, I guess, non-compatible and they're incompatible.

And then I would like to sort of stretch out that trauma for as long as possible. And then at the end, always know, at the very least, that I was right. Oh, yeah, yeah, this idea, oh my goodness. Okay, so this self-destructive instinct, I totally relate to it, because I have had in my life always

a string of really toxic friendships. Like I will always have a friend who all my friends will take me aside and be like, that person treats you like, shit, what are you doing? And then to them I'll say, they're the only one telling me the truth. Yeah. And they will treat me like absolute garbage. They'll be like, you don't deserve anything. And I'll be like, you're right.

Everyone else is lying. Yeah. I've had a very similar thing. Did you go to an old girl school? I went to a boarding school where we all boarded together as girls. Okay, sure. So pretty much. Because I've only recently started to stoping with stopping with, Helen, we've actually brought you.

We both brought you here today because whilst you might think you're the most together Am I the toxic friends? We both need to break up with you as a friend but it's so hard no no but I'm not even to hear about this the moment because it's so fucking hard

to end a relationship with a friend because there's none of the usual tropes so you can't just be like I fall in love with somebody else because there's no equivalent you can't be like friend breakups are the worst friend breakups are the worst

but I only started doing them and honestly I feel like it's such a hard lesson in boundaries but fucking hell it also feels pretty amazing really I don't think I've ever broken up with a friend. I've been broken up with by a friend and it was, I was the dog's pregnant with that situation and it was like, I was sobbing harder than any romantic breakup

in my life. I do worry that I'm doing it just as like, because I, I've been dumped. So I'm doing it explicitly or are you doing it a pullout, like a slow fade out? Bit of both. Doing the phase out with some, doing, had to do explicit with one. Oh my God, do I know them? That can't be on, that can't be on the podcast, but I will tell you afterwards. Yeah, we probably should talk about things we're actually allowed to talk about. So you're looking for Dick. Yes, please. Or pussy. Can I just say that I've been really well. well-behaved during this and there's anything that needs to be cut out and also I've never had a friendship that I had to break up with completely. Has no one ever broken up with you as a friend?

I don't think so, but then I probably have been. Helen's never been broken up because she's never been in a relationship. That's true. Oh, I would say, I thought people would laugh and now that just don't have real. Because I have relationships in my head. Yeah. So I've never been fully rejected. And then I was trying to figure this out the other day. I also don't get rejected because I never explicitly put myself out there. I just sort of hint at us maybe. going out. Okay. So like I'll put on like a song and then just look at them.

You've done that to me. Yeah. And then I wait and see if they're like, uh, what? And I'm like, yeah, what? That's so weird. And I'm like, oh yeah, weird, right? Like, and then that's how I do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would say that I have, um, I often will break up with friends the same way I'll break up with partners, which is to say I'll burn the house down from the inside. Oh. So I make it, if they, if I feel like it's toxic, I'll like set fire to it. Like, I'll like, I'll, like, really double down on the topic and then event and also some a lot of my female friendships have ended with like one of us professing feelings um yeah i have two friendships end because we've had hard sex and one of them you know so yeah that's tricky so right let's say as someone who

doesn't need to do these friendships it was difficult soft sex doesn't end friendships no okay so like i'm your friend yeah and you need to break up with me because i'm toxic as shit let's say I'm just constantly being like, you're worthless piece of shit. Where does the hypothetical scenario start? Okay. Fuck off. Fuck off.

I could be toxic, I think. I actually find you weirdly supportive. No, I'm not. Oh, well, you hide it well. I don't believe in either of you. Oh, I don't think you've ever lied to me apart that one time you told me that you weren't doing Apollo for no reason. Like two weeks ago.

Why? That was the first time. But I also like... Because I felt awful. Why did you feel awful? Don't. Why? This is so stupid.

I said basically like, I was told by loads of people that you were doing Apollo. And I was 100%. So I eventually was like, fuck it, I'm just going to message her and be like, hey, are you doing it? Because I didn't, you're not allowed to tell. I'm glad that rumor is out there. You're not allowed to tell anyone you're doing it. So you don't know who else is doing it. And it's such an exciting thing, but you also want to chat with someone about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I messaged Olga and I was like, are you doing it? And I was like, no, are you doing it? And I was like, no. And then like, two weeks later, I was like, yeah, so I'm doing it. I'm doing it next week. I don't know why I said no. That's so stressful.

But I do think like... No, I know why I said no. It's because I could see... I knew you were on a family holiday. And you know when someone... I was about to get broken up with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Helen's very...

It has a real sense for that. I know you well enough to know that you'd be really happy that your friends have got it. But also, sometimes you're on a family holiday. Life's just sort of flowing along. You don't need someone to be like, did you get it? Well, I did.

And I was like, no, just give her a bit of time. I would always, always be happy for you. I knew you would be. And also, this is something that I come back to all the time. And this is an interview, I think you, am I allowed to talk about Sarah? Just to mention very quickly. Like, I think you and Sarah did the year we all debuted. And it was like how people won't believe that you're just happy for your partner, period.

And I remember reading that and just being like, first of all, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. But second of all, it's like, it's so true that like I genuinely, I feel like we all really are happy for each other. Whenever someone gets something that you want, you're never like, I wish I got it. You're just like, like, instead of them. You're always like, if I would do it, I would want to do with them. You never know, you never not want them to get it. I was absolutely ecstatic for you, but also disappointed I didn't get it. But that was like, yeah, but there's such separate facts.

Exactly. And I was disappointed only because I thought it was entitled to Apollo, but because I know they came to see me and I obviously didn't kick it in the dick. So I was like, oh man, what a shame. Also, Mama loves money. Can I finish my comedian theory really quickly just because I need to get this out there? I wanted to do it, but I'm also super aware. that this is like the most pointless guest of all time

because nothing we're allowed to use. I'm sorry. It feels like I'm sitting here watching two women have a breakdown. I'm sorry, we've already got enough podcasts like that. Wow. Let me show theory on comedians, please. Oh, my theory is, is that I'm a real life six, a comedy industry eight,

and so I might as well just get with hotter people because they know that I don't know, have been on QI. Okay, you're an eight and ten. No, I think so. I do, I agree. But I also totally know what you mean. I think that I'm a real world four but in comedy

this is not going to be and it's like nice it's nice also by the way if you're watching this on YouTube first of all you need to get up and go have a shower and have some breakfast it's an audio medium

go do something while listening to us but also thank you for joining us but I do feel like I should say that I very unfairly although I think you look lovely set you up because I did I forgot to tell you yeah you're a piece of shit and that we're in a comedy eight

I'm a comedy three but a real life seven. Is this also true? It's true. I'm a comedy three because I'm straight and the guys in comedy are fucking tiny.

So I get taken down. Oh, I thought you were a comedy three because of your material. Also because of the shit I take. Yeah, because with that bit that you do, I don't believe in consent anyways.

I don't get it. Not from guy, like from me. No one's consented to you? Like, I get like a no from someone and I'm like, but I'm still in love so I'll keep tripping away.

Like I definitely, yeah. Okay, cool. You know what? I'm still figuring it out. You are. I feel like with new material, we allow people a month of, like, playing around with what. Yeah.

Okay. No, with consent. Thank you, Mudge. Very true. Not with me. Maybe I could use my female privilege. No. To play around with the idea of, like, when I was at school, if I really fancied someone, I asked them out and they went, no, I'd be like, okay, well, we'll see.

And I would try again. Right. And I feel like that's very truthful to myself. I mean, it's also indicative of a woman whose boobs were growing fast in school. I also, okay, we'll try again next month. But it's the response to, like, he's mean to you because he likes you, right? That's the... Yeah, and also, he was gay, so it wasn't going to happen.

Okay, we've all fucked a gay guy. I thought it was because... I've not fucked a gay guy. Oh, excuse me? I've not fucked a gay guy. Not even for the nice... Not even for the nice... Oh, actually, that's a lie.

Never mind, I just remembered. I... I'm sorry, we... We are female comedians, we only get into this because someone realized they were gay while dating us. Well, inside us. Yeah, no, I've never dated him, but we, you, ah, yeah, nobody was soft in me. Let's go. Soft in you. Yeah, let's, let's, um, did he leave a condom behind?

Soft in me. No, I forgot. Soft in me. I literally forgot that. He was. That was in the living room of a girl who I then went on to date for a year. What a nightmare. Well, the things you black out, eh?

Shall we talk about, um. Soft in me. Anyway, I think I've sold myself as the perfect person to sleep. The way you talk to me when I had that condom left in me in Valentine's Day about making better choices and putting myself first. You know this one? They got the condom left in me and then instead of looking me out, he put on the goofy movie. And we just sat there watching it. Oh, it's such a good story.

Awful. And you gave me like an hour long speech. A bad self-worth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I was 19 when that happened and I grew from it. Yeah, I was 29. Yeah.

Oh, the goofy movie. You're going to just hold hands really quick? Yeah, big time. I need to. Okay. Thank you for listening. We're all going to... I want to apologize to the person that's sent in a problem for us to talk about this week.

No, I think we're well equipped to solve my problem, because I have a text message. We don't have time. Yes, no, we have time. But like, I just... If you have time, we have... There's no way we're fixing. Fine, fine, fine, fine. Oh, okay, fine, let's solve that problem. If we genuinely believe we can fix Olga's problem within the space of 24 hours.

Wow. I am sorry. Why, the judgment is real. Let's just quickly say one thing that we've done good in romantic or sexual relationships so we can have the listener trust us. Okay. When

I was offered it by the two hottest people I had met at that point of my life, I said yes to a three-sum. Oh my God! Okay, honestly, I'm kind of myself. I don't know you very well, but everything I know about you, I love. Because I remember posting a story about that

like loving the Taipei girl at the club where you're just like, oh, she's probably a square and then like she parties harder than everyone else and then you responded to it and and i was like i love you i think we're very similar i think so as well i think we're very similar in that i think that we go and go and go and go and go and go and then we melt down but that always involves sex with i think if the two of you worked together you would take over the entire world can you imagine i would give you yeah and the world's been waiting between why miserable yeah no truly truly neither was with sleep i don't think mine being miserable i also think we're so clean-cutt on stage

that the idea, like, I'm openly surprised that you would have a threesome, but also I'm just like, I'd have a fucking threesome. I literally asked for one, two days ago. Two of the most intelligent women, you know? Why, how was, how were those country three fans? I feel like, dumb slut. Oh.

I have threesome. I feel like, no. No, I don't mean that. What was the makeup? You know that they're going to age will have a threesome. It's like, well, Catherine, congratulations. Congratulations, Olga. Two girls? No, one girl, one guy. They both did CrossFit.

Oh, good shit. Lil, what am I doing here? It was great. That's too much energy. That sounds hot. It was a great time and they were talkers. Oh, a good time. Anyway, that sounds really hot.

Just tell us one thing from your like, that I've done well in relationship. That I've just to prove that we're worthy of solving other people's problems. Oh, God. Can you do one while I think of mine? Um, can I suggest one for you? Yeah. Don't you buy incredibly expensive lobe?

Oh, I do. How do you know this? You put it ever on your Instagram. It's crazy that you think you're clean cut on stage because I mean I wear dresses. That's what I mean. Yeah, me too. But you've also like the other day you put up a story with like a dildo, a real looking dildo, a very like reality base.

Yeah, but it was like bigger than my arm, my forearm. And I was like, well, okay, cool. I play. I thought it was funny. But then the responses that I got, I was like, oh, no, people are taking it the wrong way. And I should have known. I should have known. Yeah, you do seem surprised by that,

which is odd to me, because I thought that was going to only lead the bad things, but also the dildo is funny. Yeah, I buy very, very expensive lube. It's called uber lube, and honestly, once you try it, you never go back. It doesn't pale. Other lube's pale.

Other lubs are, like, smell weird because they're always like, it's fucking blue raspberry. It's like, who asked for this? Uber lube forever. I remember getting a natural condom when I was a teenager and trying it. It tastes like wood.

Like, literal wood. It was not good. The flavor is natural. And it was just like a fucking forest. What? Like those car fresheners. Yeah. That was the scent.

Like an ooed. And this is like the phase when you first tried Jurex strawberry lobe and you're like, this is delicious. No. Like you're just sort of like, I would genuinely eat this just for lulls. Oh my God. This is why I can't have it in the house because I'm just sort of like having a teaspoon every now and again just as like a little pick-me-up treat.

I love that. Are we going to be bad today? You're not. Oh, my. Really crazy. Just me secret eating from my parents' cupboards when I was a child. From your parents? Oh, sweet Jesus.

Big question. Does it have a jelly or a velvet feel? Velvish-y sort of feel, if you know what I mean? I guess velvety? Nice, nice, nice. I really, really recommend it. The woman's working with velvet lobe. It doesn't pill up, and I love that.

Thank you, Olga. And mine is that I thoroughly wash my vagina so I don't get a yeast infection. But you do use the wrong soap, slash. Annie soap. Why would you put soap up your paws? And give you that's what I said. Because do shout out with my finger. Like you got, you know what?

I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this to someone else. Right. I've got the question for us. Yeah, we're going to ask you, we're going to tell you something that somebody emailed in to trusty hogs at gmail.com with their problem. All right.

Trusting that we can help them. So this is the problem. We've got this week. This is from E. E. Yeah, we're not doing the names. Like, just the letter. So I've never dated anyone ever.

And I'm currently feeling distinctly undatable. I live somewhere that's unexpectedly shit for queers and obviously the apps are me. I'm in my early 30s and I'm so bored of everyone I know being coupled. Do I just have to accept I'm going to be forever alone? No, that's awful. Or is there another way to look at it? How do you hold out hope and stay sane? Question. I love your nails. Thank you so much. That is not helpful to E. I think E if they want a partner could do their nails to start with because it all starts. with how you look on the outside. First of all, I think there's a long term and a short term solution.

Short term, I think, undermine all of your friends' relationships. Offer a threesome. Start doing CrossFit. Oh, no, but I don't even feel like one of their main issues there is that everybody else is coupled up? I'd say start with undoing that. Yeah. As quickly as possible. Okay, healthy.

Healthy. No, no. No, I think I grew up in somewhere that was shit for queer people, like really, really awful. I once went on a dating app at home and I think the fourth person I saw on there was my sister and I didn't know she was out she wasn't and so

you know, we didn't talk about that. So you fucked. So fucked. No, but she's super hot and it makes sense, right? Actually, no, it's really weird. My siblings don't want to fuck me which I find really strange because my sister's by and my brother's dating a redhead. So, wow, definitely my personality. Yeah. They do. They do. I know, right?

So rude. But I think, but it is dispiriting, but there is now, I mean, like, nowadays, you can definitely find a queer community online. That helped me so much. Oh my God, I used to read, do you ever read Autostraddle?

I've no idea that is. Okay, it's this trash, I want to say Portland-based, like, hyper-sexualized, sort of agony aunt website for lesbian. Oh, very nice. They do a thing called A-Camp, where everyone goes and, like,

I presume Fox in the Woods. And they do, like, opinion pieces on any television show, with even like a lesbian in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you would just read this website? Yeah, it saved me. It saved me.

When I didn't know any other queer people and it was, it felt like, okay, they're out there somewhere and this is giving me reference points. And also now I know what the jokes on the L word mean. So that's right. You know what I mean? That's really, really sweet. I needed someone to parse it for me. So I think connect where you can online.

And, but also like, let, can we talk about the undidatable thing? Because I don't think anybody is. No, but I would. will say as someone who is also 30 and hasn't had a relationship, I totally get that sort of like stress and fear that you're like, oh, like it's never going to work out. Like it doesn't mean that you don't date, but like nothing ever clicks. You do feel a little bit like, why can't I do this really basic thing in life that everyone does? And it's because everyone wants something different from a relationship and sometimes people just aren't there for it. Do you know what I mean?

Like I want a relationship some days, but most days I don't feel like I'm missing anything. which I think isn't that common. But I think that's quite a healthy way to be because if you're happy in yourself. But it's also creates a lot of questions for people and a lot of like like what's going on there. Like why can't they have a relationship? Are they doing it like secretly? But I think if you're happy in your own life, you're more likely to be like to pick somebody who's good for you. Totally.

But it's like knowing that like happy in your own life like it seems everything. Like one day you're like I couldn't give a shit that I haven't had a relationship. I don't mind. And then another you have a whole week of being like, oh my God, what am I doing wrong? why is it like everyone I date I'm like okay yeah well then I could be no but I don't want to be in a relationship with them But like when will the right person come along? You know? What do you think they should do, Olga?

Well, my worldview has always been such. And the thing is, I am famously a serial and monogamous who goes feral every two years. So I would not say that I might. And I like your Farrell period. I mean, I am much more fun. So I don't think that my model works, but my philosophy when it comes to dating overall

and the red flags that I'm seeing in that message is you can never have goals in mind. Don't do it. Because if your goal is to find a partner, you're going to project a false compatibility on the first person you mean. So true. If your goal is to fuck around.

A little bit too close to home. And then if your goal is to fuck around and have lots of casual sex and then like almost over assign this casualness to every encounter you have, you risk like overlooking someone you're really compatible and really get along with. The amount of times that like,

also one of my pet peeves in casual sex is people being mean to each other just just to reinforce the casualness be like, by the way, I don't want to marry it. It's like, baby, you like me enough to fuck me. It's fine. We can be nice to each other. But that's a whole different thing. But that is so true.

That philosophy of like if you like say that you want, you can have a relationship if you want. Like there's no, my sister's calling. This is so annoying. But basically, yeah. So I think having anything in mind whether you don't want a relationship, not wanting a relationship and wanting a relationship

are both completely toxic mindsets that you need to just purge out of yourself. How do you do that? distract yourself just try and try not to like I think as again huge planners and control freaks obviously I want like I've married everyone I've ever kissed in my head oh me too yeah for sure for sure for but it's like it's it's also just you need to you need to acknowledge that like you can only take a day one day at a time yeah yeah this is a good advice that is very solid and also I would say move oh I'd have said just a simple one yeah you could move uh or I would also strongly recommend wanking

I think that if you're feeling like you're missing something like intimacy and that kind of enjoyment I do think getting to know yourself and enjoying yourself is like a nice way to feel and there's a lot of different options out there for wanking we're no longer on the corner of tables

you know the world's gone by the world's gone the corners vibrate now yeah but also it's just like that sounds with the internet and everything I think this person could get into a whole lot of long distance romances with like really long emails and playlists oh my god get catfished that is literally perfect right if you want a community get yourself catfished online and then get Neve and Max to come and

help you out then all the other it's basically like the ultimate dating show because everyone will feel bad for you and then they'll reach out to you because your profile we put online then you get a relationship get catfish yeah are you putting yourself out there enough to be catfish exactly you are welcome e or are Thank you. And thank you, Olga. Thank you, Olga. Any time.

Oh, is this the end? Yes. Thank you so much. Please don't touch my face. I have an acne. Oh my God. Thank you. Go to Olga and tour.

Bye. Oh, no, wait, wait. Go back. Go back. That's a very good point. Olga, it'll be out in three weeks. So when can people see you? Go on.

Follow me on Twitter at Rock and Rollga. Yes. And then also you're on tour till when? I'm on total to October, so I don't think this is going to come out. Actually, maybe you might. I'm on tour. You can buy tickets at rock and roll go. And also you can listen to Human Error, my podcast, about technology.

What the fuck? Don't do that. We have our own podcast. Oh, sorry. Guys, don't do it. Human error, you'll learn. Imagine coming to a recent and then making a pitch for just fucking you. That's like insane.

That seems, wow. I don't know how to explain how that guest interaction went. I'll say from my point of view, as the Zen one for today. It was a lot. I'm impressed with whatever you heard from Andrew's edit because I don't know how that's going to be edited. Yeah, here's how that interview in person went.

Oh my God, here's some hot gossip. You can't put out of the podcast. Oh my God, I have some strong feelings. You can't put out on the podcast. Hot tea, everybody, you can't put on the podcast. Headlines are, Catherine and Olga have both had sex. That's pretty much, that's kind of all there is to it. Not with each other.

Not with yet. Sadly. I've made out with her. I know. I feel like. I'm really being left out. You'll get that. You'll got that. Fingers crossed.

We get all that hope. So that is, that was our guest for today. And we hope you enjoyed episode three. If you would like, if you have enjoyed the podcast, please, please, please, please, like and subscribe. Oh my God, please do it. It makes such a different. Please rate us, but only if you enjoyed yourself,

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