Trusty Hogs - Ep31. JEN IVES / Flirting, Flaking & Feed Bags

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

The brilliant Jen Ives joins us in the Hogs studio this week to talk equine aspirations, making friends in London, and food fantasies.Go to www.jenives.net to find out all about Jen's stand-up work, podcasts, online content, and more...Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Kim Dubhghaill / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Sarah & AdamWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com and use code audio at checkout. Okay, you look gorgeous. Can we do the intro? I've got a clinic moisturizer. Yes. Oh, what are you, 55? No, don't say we...

No, the woman that served me was young. Hello! Oh, hi! Welcome to episode 31 of... Trusty Hogs! Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're gonna give them your problems

and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White On the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs

Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not You have to pretend you did education Until year two That's a thing you like I think guys want you to have dropped out of school In year two So seven years old

And be like, I can read But what's that letter? X? I feel like only certainly men like no all men no if my mom acted like that dumb a bitch around my dad he'd be like are you alright like what the fuck's wrong with you

like he like like you need like I don't think that all men revel in that kind of like profound sycophancy but bloody hell at home if I say anything that has like more than like 10 syllables in a sentence is it just the pit are you sure it's not the pitch you're saying it at maybe it's the pitch Yeah, he was, yeah, maybe that's that.

So, what, you can, like, have sex so long as he thinks it's his idea. Well, I don't have sex with Saneal, so. Why? Because why would we? Please. You can't sleep with your housemate. Please, mommy and daddy would be so cute together. Mommy and daddy, where did that come from?

I love it, please. You'd be so happy. Keep your separate rooms. Keep your separate rooms. I've never played dumb for a guy, but I definitely have seen it happen. Like, my favorite thing is we used to, like, flare at school, and we'd be like, oh my god your hand's so much bigger than mine oh with babies

do you remember this flirting tennie was this just a me thing and you put your hand up to come on right put your hand up flirting with women because that's how lesbians flirt not the tone but the words I mean I was always flirting with girls as well but like so we'd go up to like dudes

and be like put your hand up and then we'd go like this and go like your hands so much bigger than your hand is so much bigger than mine obviously it didn't work for me I'd go up to guys but your hands much bigger than mine I could kill you I don't have small hands

and yours are very big. Have you? Well, in proportion, everything's bigger of me. No, you got Jody Comber fingers. That's insane. What's Jody Comer fingers? Thank you for laughing. Am, knows what I mean. Jody Commer. Have you not seen Jody Comer's hands? Why would I? Oh, because there's an entire Twitter page devoted to them.

There's Instagram pages devoted to them. She has the largest, longest hands you've ever seen. Like, honestly, there are like odes to it online. Just one more thing, Jody and I have in common. Yeah, seriously. Just one more thing. Just another thing. Here we go.

It's all happening. You're both amazing accents and both are very large. Thank you very much, Catherine. No, because you know I want to talk about my trip to Ireland with you. And I know we've already discussed it. So I need to tell M about it. M, I thrived. I thrived.

I thrived an island. I went to Ireland. I literally, it's Ireland. Yeah, well. And there are many islands. I know, but if I say Ireland, then you think I'm doing an accent. Do you say Ireland? Ireland.

Ireland. Ireland. Ireland. Arland. Arland. Ireland. God, it's so close I'm so close

I went to Ireland and basically did a swapsie with Catherine's parents they as soon as I landed in Dublin they fucking batted out of there so quick I can't meet her I can't do it

I can't do it so I landed in Dublin and then I was going to Tallamore yes I wish you'd stop saying that like it's a made up word every time well it's only because to

Talamore there was an old Irish woman we were helping with her bags and she was like and where are you going to and we went telomor and she's the only person I heard say it

so we're not quite sure how you say it she might have like had like a different thing going on you know what I mean okay it's hard to tell Irish or like struggling

oh my god the photos are incredible and the pictures were amazing because it just looked like you were living your best life like you look like you'd finally found your home honestly I live in the West

Midlands I love that for you it's 100% I just couldn't I'd have to learn how to drive how many ways of potatoes What types of potatoes did you eat? Tatos prawn cocktail Chris

Which are a revelation Yeah Cheese and onions is the best But I respect you There were potatoes at the wedding What kind of Irish wedding Just roast potatoes Okay any good

Yeah really good And there was a potato salad the next day Fuck yes And then Was that epic Was that mainly male Yeah it was It was incredible

Yeah yeah yeah yeah It was like really weird They did like a Sunday Like the day after the wedding Sort of like buffet Yeah And it was just like Barbecue

Yeah And then they just had one pot of Chau-Main. Couldn't figure it out. Just one big pot of cold Chalman. Amazing. Amazing. It was clearly like the Chinese takeaway was chucking it out that was in the same village and they were like, that'll do.

Yeah, we'll take it. Absolutely. And all I would say is I don't think they've had a tourist there in about 20 years in Tullamore. Yeah. Like, number one, no one quite knew what to do with us. Well, there's no reason you'd be there. It's not on the way to anywhere.

Everyone who we met at the wedding who was Irish was like, we've never been here before. Yeah, no, no, no, you wouldn't be. Like, it's really, truly, it's not a destination wedding. That is like a out-of-the-way, random middle of the nowhere. I assume the wedding was for people who were from there. No. What?

No, Fee-Fee's from Cork and Barry's from Dublin. It was sort of like a midway thing. What the fuck? No one knew what we were doing there. But Dublin and Cork are so much better than Tullamore. No, no, it wasn't even in Tullamore. It was in Teryl's Pass, which is 20-minute drive from Tullamore. that's like saying

no it's not in Wiggin it's in a 40 minute drive from Wiggin you're like what it was amazing but we basically like I'm not saying all Irish people are xenophobic but everyone I met was xenophobic

so it's really do you mean towards the English yes okay then yeah we accept your charge but also that's not xenophobia that's legitimate anger no it was xenophobia I know how I felt

I know how I felt I know how I felt I do It's not that I'm phobic of your English We got charged double In every taxi we got Compared to everyone else

It's the least you always It's called reparations That's what I was thinking Is it because of the That famine you guys had We had You had you It wasn't us

We didn't have it We were fine We had food Yeah you are food You took our food You took our food There's no more I'm so sick of saying this

I don't understand You could afford to fly to America to immigrate No one was flying to America. They were getting on week-long ships and dying on them. Oh, the Titanic. You guys had a lovely time on that one.

Oh, sweet God. Down in the bottom, doing a nice jig. I can't believe Irish people hated you. I can't believe Irish. They loved me. They fucking loved me. Yeah, you're kind of irresistible. A part of my wasn't allowed to sing,

come out your black and tans at karaoke on the second day. Of course you weren't. They didn't have it set up. Paul, Paul Sol was the karaoke man of the West Midlands and Ireland. And he didn't have come out your black and tans or men behind the wire as an option for me. I'm pleased to hear. because you've come back to a cappella during the ceremony

No you didn't Come out you black Stop it No I didn't perform it during the ceremony Was the wedding fun The wedding was really fun It was just like Getting there and back was just a nightmare

Like the sticks of any country Is always a nightmare To get around So we had options of two taxi drivers Tamas Tamas and the other one I can't remember his name I'm gonna say Seamus

because it could be right Sure It could be right Sure So Thomas had us the first day It's a 20 minute journey It takes us What accent are you doing

Midlands Island You're not though Tell them more You're not though It's creepy but go on Thomas was a bit creepy Yeah okay This is his

I mean you didn't meet him We're not almost Oh my God Okay Took us It's like every Irish accent all in one But it doesn't make it It's not specific enough

Took us an hour To get to the wedding venue This is a 20 minute drive And like obviously when you're going to a wedding Particularly the first day when it's like The ceremony starts Like it's not a mess around Oh yeah he screwed you

Our girls you got to see the castle Every road we went down It was an extra sight It was an extra site And we were trying to be polite But also like right Okay Thomas but now it's time to go there The moment we got in the cabby

It was like you can smoke in the cars here girls Oh my gosh Oh maybe he wants to smoke So we went okay so we started rolling And then he was just chain smoking, taking us around some patron saints that were on the side of the road. And we were like, what's happening? Yeah, the thing is, though, like, Tullamor, so what else was he going to show you if not the Saints? It wasn't...

Well, you could have got to the wedding. You could have got to the wedding. You could have got to the wedding. That we flew over for. This is all insane choices. Madness. And then we got back in the evening with two Irish people who were staying at the same hotel as us in Tullamore. Okay.

And it took fucking like 15 minutes of events. anything and cost no money basically and we arrived because they did all the talking so I was like right tomorrow I'm doing a fucking accent so I had it all prepared

so I could get the cheaper journey so I could get the cheap it's not a big deal but forgetting it's the fucking backwaters of Ireland and that you're asking it's dog shit it's good

it's good it's good don't be like that everyone said it was good last night and you know that they were in full of English people who were terrified of you were super up for it

yeah they were they were too keen if anything I was doing the fiddle Didily Dvoys from the south of them. And then she loves this, it's fine. I was ready to do my accent. And Francis was like, do it, babe, you can do it. And I was like, I fucking got this.

And then up pulls our next taxi driver. And he's like, yeah, the English girls. They don't heard about you. Thomas told us about you. Yeah, that sounds right. And we're like, okay, this one's, this is going to be okay. Because like, we've done the sights though. No.

Right? And obviously Thomas has spoken about. us. And the other couple, it turns out, had Thomas and he was just telling them all about the English girls who smoked in his car. Oh my God. What the fuck is that? You made us. Then they get driven straight to the wedding again. They're like a different car to us. By the time me and Francis get there, we've gone on a journey that I can only describe the closest to death have ever been. Why? Right. Is this common in Ireland? Tell me. We're driving down a road. We've already not taking the main roads. Obviously

Thomas has filled him in on the sites we've seen and not seen. So he's got a couple of other ones he'd love to whizz us past. But we're so hanging from the night before. We can't quite give him the energy he wants us to give. Okay, so he's not getting the reaction he wants. He's not getting the

reaction he wants. So he tries to elevate it. Oh wow, he escalates. Driving along, just freezes and breaks and goes girls I haven't seen that gate open in 30 year which just to be clear if a gate hasn't been opened in 30 years that is a sign not to go through that gate

and just to be clear Irish people do pluralise Helen's ad sort of dead intro No no I just want to be clear he said 30 years but okay so the gate's not being opened I hear I hear so the gate's been open

and we're like friend the second day of the wedding please But who got to go? And he's like, that guy's stopping open in 30 years. We have to go. So we fucking

drive all the way up, turn around. Sorry, is the meter on? There's no meter. They just seem to, at the end of the journey, go,

that'll be 10 hundred euro pounds from ye. Like, you got, I don't think they have meters. I don't think they have meters in Ireland. They do.

They don't have. They don't. No, they do. But Thomas and Schramers had fuck all. They had fuck all the What you needed to do was

get in and say, before you got, before you went to say, how much all this be? We got in and they went, do Englishkers? And you say, great, how much will this be? Okay, that would have been really useful

like last week. So sorry, yeah. If there's no metre you say, hey, just check how much is this going to be? And we'll go straight there, yeah? I find it hard travelling sometimes without people like you because we and Francis were just confused.

Right. And trying to be polite. So he goes down this gated... Yeah, but the road The further we got down the road, we couldn't see any other cars or people. Oh, Jesus. And so then I, luckily, luckily have listened to so many murder podcasts. I know we've discussed before,

but had my wits about me enough to make it very clear that he knew I was taking an Instagram story where I, like, got his taxi registration that was at the front and sent it on WhatsApp. But the only person I was open on my WhatsApp to do it whilst we were going on this road while Francis was trying to see if he had a gun on him was to Neil Patel, who actively wants me down.

So it's not like anyone's going to come and get our body So Neil would be like Oh my God, Flattie Because I've got a direct debit set up for rent Yeah, no, for sure He would 100% just live his life Fucking like He wouldn't come get the body, you know?

No, God And then we got there and we're like At the end, there was another gate And we must be like 200 miles off road at this point Okay, so let's be realistic, what, 200 metres? Yeah, close though. They both begin with an M. Okay. And then, oh, M, M, M.

just because your name's M and the letter that's lovely stuff and then you don't MC often do you not very much no okay go on okay apparently I get distracted there's another gate and he's like there was a convent

there was a convent here and obviously there my mind goes like oh how many dead babies and then it's just like tense and he's like get out girls and I was like what do you mean get out I don't want to get out the car I want to go but obviously we do

because in those moments You just go like, oh, this, I don't know. Helen, you're going to die out of good manners someday. I know, and I know the rules, like, be rude, stay alive. Yeah, them's the rules. But I, we got out and he was like, climbed at stone. And there was a stone again. It's like a broken wall.

And we could see, like, an old church building in the background. So, like, there's something like, there's an abandoned graveyard over this. And I was thinking, oh, good. Oh, God, your accent is still the most worrying parts. No, because Alison Spittle sent me a couple of sites because she's from that. area, which says a lot, I think. I mean, it says where she's in London now. But she was like, oh, there's some really good sites there.

There's a graveyard with, like, wild goats in it. And I thought, oh, sick. I'd love that, like dead people and goats. Like, what a day out of Helen. But it wasn't the goats one. It was just an abandoned graveyard. And we were both climbing this stone looking behind us. Like, are we going to turn around?

He's got his dick out or a knife. Oh, Jesus. But he didn't. Nice. He just wanted to show us more sites. Okay. All I'm saying is if you go to Ireland, go along with it. Because you probably will just see stuff.

That's not the advice I was saying now. Just go for it. Also you pay through the nose for it. Well, there's a graveyard with chickens in it near my house. You can come sometime. Why? Is that like an Irish thing to have? It's in London.

Oh. Wow. Okay. I don't know where that came from. Wow. Like really annoyed. Wow. That seems a pretty offensive assumption.

Where's a great girl with chicken? Well, I can't tell you on pod where I live. Yeah. But like, I mean, you're in North London. I'm in North London. Oh my God. Do you want to go after this? I'd love to. Let's do it.

Did we cancel a guys? Oh my God, fuck it. I mean, I love Jen, but seriously. No, forget it. Let's do it. I think she would be more up for the chickens as well. Me too. I should have a great time.

Oh my God. So while you were in Dublin, and Tolomore getting your like mind opened to the possibilities. Thank you. Of the Midlands. I used the Irish danced at the wedding. Of course you did.

No one asked for it. No. And how, by the way, how was Dublin? So good. We had Japanese food and then had pints with Fifi in a pub in Harold's. Yamimori? Where'd you have Japanese food? Yamori?

I don't know. What was the restaurant? Temple Bar. Oh, for fuck sake. Why? You know, you cannot complain about being ripped off for taxis and then go to Temple Bar for dinner. Because the Fonzies had never been to Dublin before. I'm going to Lester Square for dinner.

She wanted to see the tit statue. Do you mean Molly Malone? Yeah, the one with the golden tits. Oh, sweet God. Okay. And then you went to? Tarles Cross. Nice.

For a drinkies, yeah. But that was the first time I heard Irish Ex-Exans. I couldn't understand was there. Absolutely no idea. They went, so obviously, like, the people were asking, oh, we're like, where are you from? Where are you from? And we were just, like, outside. And then we said London, they were like,

to who you follow. And I was thinking, oh, that must be. And Francis looked confused. And I was like, South London. And they were like, oh, you follow. And I was like, um. They're a football team. And that's it. They wanted a football team. Yeah.

To how you follow. Yeah. To hire father. Just to be clear, your accent is the same for all these people. just different paces and it's a really confusing. No teeth. No teeth. Oh my God. You're so rude. You're rude. Wow.

They went to the football team. You basically went to Ireland and were incredibly disdainful of my culture. My parents came to London in awe. Absolutely in awe. I know you sent me pictures of them smiling at different sides. They're so cute. They're both with Paddington Bear. I know.

Oh my God. I was munted in Ireland like hanging out my ass like shit out four days of food and 10 minutes and Catherine was like they've been in love for 40 years here's them with Paddington Bear and I'll say

Oh my god So my parents have been here twice Well my mom's been here This is her second time Since I moved to London Yeah yeah yeah Because she used to have

I mean she has lots of issues With mobility But she got a new knee And she was like I'm taking it to London I'm seeing my baby So we're moving So she can walk so much better

And everything's great And we had The most Wonderful time And they just but you know what it is is to like bring people to like any restaurant and they're like

this is the best restaurant we've ever been to and then you go to the next place and they're like no this is the best restaurant and it was just so sweet. You are really good at picking restaurants and food like that is one of your skills. Thank you. I just also I think I'm good at deciding what kind of vibe somebody would like and they I took them to places

where they could sit on the water where they had lots of space where it was quiet but they enjoyed the food and it was just oh they loved it and it was also just like a real treat to have them there because I think like I think there was a time with my OCD where having like

guests for that many days would have stressed me so much. You used to get angry when your parents would sit in your flat and enjoy the space. Yeah, no I and yeah and if I think about that too much obviously that drives me a while but no how dare you make yourself at home. Exactly. I did have an entire bit on that

it was great. Why don't they visit more? But it was so nice and we had the loveliest time and then so we're having this idyllic time. They came for Easter Sunday. I showed my dad this Protestant church that has this huge, tacky gold Jesus outside. He loved hating it. Okay. And we had the best time.

Why? I thought he loves Jesus. Yeah, but like there's something so specifically tacky to doing a gold. Jesus, my dad's like more of a socialist Catholic who's like, if you have all that gold, why wouldn't you just give it to the poor rather than... Oh, God, they've always got a problem. I know, right, I know. But anyway, but like, he's not like a big fan of the Vatican for the same reason.

I don't know why I'm speaking on his behalf. Oh, in Rome? As I think he thinks they could give some of their wealth away. I love the Vatican because there's nuns that run a shop at the top if you climb up, but they're all like 200 years old. And it's like, how did you get up here? Oh, interesting. How did you get here?

I assume they live up there because there's no way they're doing the knees. No, there's no way. Or maybe there's a lift. Anyway. If there's a lift, I'd like to know. I'd like to know. So my parents come. We're having a nice time.

And on Monday morning, by the way, the only thing is like, as when you have your parents over any time, I was never alone, right? Like, they were in my bedroom, sleeping there. I was in the spare room. which I'm very lucky to have a little office It's good because you're so easy going like I know, super chill, super chill and I hate being alone and so we

they're like you know they're awake before me yeah so they're there the second you woke up and like I have one Lou and all that jazz and that's fine and then and then you know they just they want to talk all the time which I adore but I had and like my mom like would

come to the Lou with me whenever I went to the Lou and we were out and actually it was very Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait your mom came to the Lou with you Well, she'd be like, well, if you were going, I'll go. You don't need help wiping, do you? No, no, no, no. But she'd just like, she'd go if I was going.

Okay, right, yeah, yeah. Just like a cute gal's thing. But also, like, what I'm saying to you is there were four minutes, four minutes where my dad had gone down for a nap, which, by the way, he does on his holidays. Oh, I didn't notice this about, like, so my dad's at that age where when he's holidaying, he just, when he slows down, he needs to sleep because he works so hard. Yeah. So he was like a baby. You'd take him for a feed, then a walk, then a water, then he'd need another nap. And it was so cute.

That's normal for holidays, isn't it? nap. I go to the loo. I leave my mother alone for maybe three and a half minutes. I come back like, shut up. Some of us wash our hands Helen.

And so... No, stop it. So then I come back out and I heard from the loo, I heard like some squawking on the street, you know like teenage girls. Come out to the living room it's not, they're not squawking, they're screaming. A man is just stabbed outside my house

I know oh my god I didn't know this what the fuck yeah and my mom's just watching it and she's like I just saw a man be stabbed and okay first of all let me be clear about the important thing is the man was okay good they didn't catch the guy who did it

but he like walked himself to the gurney they took care of when I checked in on the website to make sure that you can check that the person's okay he's okay so it's okay for us to talk about how my mother reacted. Oh my God.

Which was to A, basically pull up a chair and watch this entire thing. And B, she watches far too much crime because like, obviously she had a shocked reaction, but her way of dealing with a shock was to like learn more. Yeah, and like hypothesize

about what the dynamic was between the stabber and the stabby. Oh, create the prelude. Yeah. And like, just so like, she, honestly, the whole day, I'm, maybe it's like generational thing but like the whole day I was like are you okay do you have like you must have like PTSD do you have trauma are you like do you want to like stay in do you need to be sheltered do you need to bath do you like what do you need you need to be okay like do you want some hot tea do my mom was like

I'm not the best day in my life actually she's like he's the victim not me and I was like I just generally generationally I'm like you probably got to you want to process this you need to talk this through and she's like Rosie and you just like I actually have so much respect for it because she did see a terrifying thing and was just like that That's not about me. Her instinct wasn't to go, like, this is my trauma. Her, I don't know.

I think there's something very good about that generation of just watching and looking and letting it happen and then being like, oh, okay, so now I know more. So, like, there's nothing mystery. There's no running away

because we had, like, when I was growing up, like similar thing, like an incident next door. Yeah. Don't know exactly what it was. But an instant, police ambulance is. My mum, exactly the same thing, but it was nighttime.

So she got to do that perfect thing. You know, people call it curtain twitching in the suburbs? Yeah. Which is bullshit. Any woman worth her soul doesn't curtain twitch. She sits in the room with the lights off and watches out in the dark where they can see everything. If you touch a curtain, people sense movement. Yeah.

And I'm fucking sick of people getting that wrong. Yeah. Never close them and you don't have to twitch them. There you go. Oh my God, we should so put that on tea towels for all of them. Right. There's just that blank sitting there looking at. Yeah. God, you can tell we're both from the suburbs.

We're just like, we're just like, oh, is something good on television? Television, fuck that, let's go. I had two TV channels growing up. Come on. Only two? Until I was 17. Okay, we had four until I was 12. Oh, okay, there was three at one point.

There was three from when I was probably 13. Good, good. Yeah, and then there's one in Irish, which I don't really counts, but. Well, I speak Irish now. Oh, yeah, of course you do. There's, on the trains, they always say something here and two, which sounds, it's like, that's the word that they always say, but it's not here and two. It's an Irish word.

It doesn't feel like that's true. Okay. Also, great, really quick thing for the Pokemon fans. Ireland, incredible for Pokemon, because all of their famine memorials are Pokemon stops and gyms. What? Incredible. If you go around, you don't have to learn anything about the famine. I was going to spin it. How did you not learn anything about it?

So you spin it and then you get to send a gift to someone with like a Pikachu going, oh yeah! And it's just like, the famine, Dublin. And there's like statues of people walking along really thin. It's mad. It's mad. You're a piece of shit. Well, this happens in London as well. The Kings Cross Memorial and the 7-7 Memorial Hyde Park.

Amazing Pokemon gems. Incredible. What is wrong with you? I don't fucking register them. What is wrong? Who plans that, by the way, also? That's gross. Google.

Google should do better. Because they're sites on Google. Fucking hell. That is grim. They really want us to go to Dublin together. That's so grim. But I can give you Helen's tour of Dublin. Oh, please.

Yeah, I'd love it. Did you go to the Lepricon Museum? No, because you did message me about it. But I can't remember if I went or not. I think I did when I was 18 with my friend's Libby. There's really big furniture in there and you stand by it and you look tiny. How tiny will I look though?

Tiny. Really? It's huge. Really? I didn't see any lepricons. Okay, well you didn't go to the lepracron museum so how are you supposed to? I just don't just like a short Irish person somewhere.

You're all pretty like tidily. We are because we were hungry for so many years now then. Were you hungry too? I thought it ended. It did. My point is it's like a... Famine culture. Because the spa was full.

Oh my God. Yeah, the spa is fine. And also, but we did charm all the Irish people. I got free scons. Where'd you get free scones? Well, France's got free scones. I ate them.

Where? Telemore. Nice. Were they good? Yeah? Yeah. I bet they were. Come to Dublin.

I'd love to take your own, Dublin. Can we go to Harold's Cross again? And when someone goes, Terry, I can be like, older shot town, I've seen. Yes. No, we won't be going there. Oh.

No. You can come to Mass. I want to be a D-4head. A D-4head. forehead oh my god you're neither of us are posh enough to be d for i am but we're not i'm middle class no but they're not middle class

oh they're like proper rich i'll take you to don lary for an ice cream of tetties oh is that way you took sophia jukkah and she fell over no why would i go over i won't push you you pushed up we all saw the video you tried to drown jup i did i was very very kind and considerate after she fell like all mothers of munchausen

do you reckon you've got munchausen's by proxy No, but apparently there's a new podcast coming out about it. Oh, also, side more. No, I don't reckon I do. I have enough friends with actual chaos. I just have friends like you and then I don't need to have one to essence. I don't need that much care anymore

since I emailed pension B and the emailed back and I ignored it for three weeks. What's pension B? A pension company. Can I do that? I emailed them and then I've set up an account but I've done nothing since then. Will they merge all the ones of you?

Yes, apparently that's what they do. Okay, that's interesting. So why are we sponsoring pension? We're not sponsored by, and you know what, we don't have time because we're not going to be able to put this on the part where say you emailed a pension place. I emailed a pension place. Right, what kind?

One that consolidates all your pension. Oh my God, I want to do that. I don't know if I've ever had a pension. Either do I, but I'd like to find out. This is the thing, so I need to call them up and be like, when I was working in a bakery serving bread, did I have a pension? Because I think what I tempt in property,

I'm sure I must have been paying into a pension. This is the thing. So there must be, and then they put more together. And then they also. like give you options because we need to set one up ourselves. There's no one set up for us. Oh, come on. So then, but also like,

so basically having a pension means that when you're older, you're not as cold, because you can pay for heating. But I was going to get real fat anyway. Love that for you. That's my plan. When? When? The second someone agrees to marry me. The second? The second. I'll marry you. Do you want to go bitch? Let's go. Let's go. I honestly

I just want to get real comfy and just love my life. I want to bake all the time. Should we plan our old life in the extras this week? I feel like we should do that. I love that for us. Let's do that. Let's do that in the extra let's bring on our amazing guest and then we'll deal with like old Catherine.

Okay, I also want to have a need to qualify that I think people will be listening and being like Catherine's making it sound like being fat is a bad thing. No, no, no, no. I am excited to rebel. You're so much warmer. Every seat's more comfy. It's incredible. It's a really good place. Also, I would love to just one time have tits for my new spouse oh i don't know i've seen some people get fat and didn't get the tits and it is devastating for them it is devastating it is possible come on have you not seen them that's not fair i want i'm only what okay we'll discuss this later we'll discuss it later okay that's on

let's talk with our amazing guest oh my god so this is really exciting because our guest has also just been to ireland um has been to the father ted museum did you see this on don't i saw i'm that i'll tell general about it yeah yeah okay well one Well, our guest is Jen Ives. I'm such a big fan. And she's got great tits. She, I mean, she has amazing tits. And she's a very funny comedian.

So let's get talking to her. It's Jen Ives. Hello, Jen I. Hi, Jen I. Oh, my gosh. It's Jen Ours. We're so excited. You're here.

I was just saying before to Jen, I thought what we'd meant before, but actually, I'm just like, crap. up on her on the internet and in the world. Well, you've never met IRL? No, we met digitally in the lockdown. But I just thought we were friends because I decided we were, which is not the same at all. We were MSN friends. Oh my God.

What's your guys email? Oh, my one at the time was Glittery Fairy Girl at Hotmail.com. What? Little groovy chick 99. No! Sleeping Beauty 731 at Hotmail.com. We're trash. I love it.

I love it. What's sad is there was 730 other Sleeping Beauty's all that. And I was like, number one, please. It's like, any dozing girls? I know, because guys, do they see us dead and they fucking love it. Does she have a pulse? No, she's perfect. I'm bringing back necrophilia in a big way, baby.

How are you? I'm great, thanks, yeah. Good. You've also just been to Ireland. I have been to Ireland. Oh, well, is that okay? I don't look at me. I got told off for saying Ireland.

But it is an island. It's the Emerald Oil. Yeah. But please stop it. But you were in the north, not with the fiddly diddly dees in the south, weren't you? Yeah, the fun place. No, Dublin is the same. Yeah.

Well, East. No, no, let's, right. Let's just say Northern Ireland doesn't exist. I wasn't there. And then, Dublin is in the north of Ireland. No, it's not. It's in the east. Wow.

As someone who was called a tan when I was there, I'm not going to say that. Yeah. From the song, come out you black and tan. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. You're welcome. What did you do to call that?

Oh no, it was a friendly ribbing. Okay, fine. Okay, fine. But I did get an egg thrown at me while I was there, though. Excuse me what? Yeah, I'm sorry. Not to put it down. You don't have to, it wasn't your, wasn't it?

No, no, it is. It is. No, I am sorry. Why? I don't know. It was like a, it was like near the end of the trip. Everything was lovely. I don't want to put a down on it straight away.

Okay. Don't worry. I nearly got killed in Teller Moore. So like, you're fine. Yeah. We were going to some, have you been to Dublin? Yeah. I'm from there.

Oh, okay. I actually know quite a lot about it now I'll kind of educate you in a minute I'm going to take on a tour of the Pokemon stops with Temple Bar so don't worry I didn't go to Temple Bar I was told not to I went to Grogan's

Nice! Yeah Okay somebody did Dublin right Yeah well I was staying with a Dubliner So that's how it's done Okay That's actually called dubs Let her explain the eggs

We were going to a pub That's like a You'll probably know it It's like you have to knock on the door And they let you in And it's really nice Where Ed Shearing hangs out Oh, I don't know. I didn't see him.

Okay. But they have like pool tables and stuff. I think I know where you mean. It's like tropical themed. It's cool. Oh, maybe I don't know where you mean. Maybe it's not tropical theme. They had plants.

You're so cool. But anyway, we were on the way there and then there were these boys. I don't know what you called. Yeah, youth. Okay. Like teenagers or younger? Like teenagers, I think. Yeah.

But they, so I was facing forwards, obviously. Ah, hello. And then they were like over here. Yeah. But then the egg hit me from like front on. I'm so sorry. Oh, what? A tummy hit egg?

Yeah, like, and... Oh, not even boob for fun. No, it just had yolk on my arm. And anyway, but I blamed them, but it did come from over here. So it was like a JFK situation.

I couldn't figure out exactly what I was. That was the worst, and you don't know who to go for? Yeah, exactly. But I am sorry that happened. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm going to just make sure that you are... Should I take this off?

What sort of egg was it? Quails or full duck or for a chicken? I don't, I only saw it in pieces. Oh, yeah. Well, it's not... You would have known if it was ostrich. You would have done. It definitely wasn't that.

Yeah, but it was fine. It didn't put too much of a damper on the whole thing. It was nice. Did you still go to the bar with Egan? Yeah, of course I did. Oh, come on. You're not going to have a good time? I went to Brogans, which I was told as an IRA bar.

Is that true? I could neither confirm. Were you guys still doing an IRA? Are you still in the north? Are we? No, I'm not. Why am I aligning myself with this? Yeah, it still exists if that's your question.

Oh, good for you guys. No, no. I've been running a while. I've been running away. I've been running away. I see I align my side. up there with that, okay, look, there's a lot of graffiti that says IRA. Oh, I just thought it was a man called Ira, who was very busy.

Ira Glass has been going around to Dublin. Huge random cereal. It's a wonderful show, This American Life. You know, you're not wrong. You don't like this, listen to that. You're not wrong. You can find on any podcast. It's a very different energy, actually.

I once listen to This American Life. And, you know, like, sometimes they do, like, they usually are sort of, like, documentary episodes, and they sort of, like, talk to people and, like, discuss like a real life story, a real life event. What are you selling this American life? Every now and again. You own shares? Every now and again, they do like a fictional story,

but they only let you know at the beginning of it very quickly. All right. So I heard one that was fictional, but I thought it was all true. I went to the moon. It's called The Horse Girls of Somewhere Somewhere. I would have listened to that too. And it was about, and I genuinely believed it. And I spent about two months Googling it

before I asked anyone about it and it was about people who loved horses so much they wanted to be horses and they had to go to this run and live like horses That sounds like a metaphor Yeah, I'm wondering what for it I don't like I don't know

They got their tail and then they'd become a horse but like actually a horse and they could like run But part of it was they would have to say goodbye to everyone and become a horse because eventually they lose their voice and they can only nay

and I was like this is insane why is no one talking about this? It's so irresponsible to have like a largely factual podcast and then just throw something in there I know because like think I was like me only tune in five minutes in it's irresponsible if it feels like the stories are possibly like credible

but I think what they've done there quite smartly is make it such an incredulous story that nobody would think it was factual two months of Googling exactly Because I wanted to go. I was like, I want to see these people becoming horses. It sounds incredible.

I'd love to ride one, you know? Wow. No? It's like what the news used to do on April 4th Day, right? Where they'd be like, oh, there's a tree or spaghetti coming out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then people like me were like, we've got to go in the car. We've got to get to Runkorn.

I remember one year with April Fool's Day on this morning, they released zero calorie water. and like everyone lost their minds they're having women calling up being like, where do we get it? And then at the end they were like April Falls and you could just, you know, you could just hear women over the country going

oh for fuck sake. That would have been great. I'm just trying. For God's sake. Here's my question because I asked Helen it too. What were your top three types of potato you consumed in Ireland? Okay, well, well, I had chips.

Nice. Where? Burger kids. sake jim no americanized bullshit powdered potatoes not what I asked you about next

you're a culture of ultra obviously I had a tato which flavors they were like a so like this I didn't realize there were so many tato it was like a different

it was like a tato but then it had another name it was like ridged okay yeah yeah and there were cheese and onion nice are you good yeah they were good

I did prong cocktail did you yeah interesting I don't think I had any other potatoes. I didn't eat a potato or anything. What? I had Chinese. I love having a Chinese abroad. I love having a Chinese bag. Yes.

No, but I've heard of a spice bag. Yeah. A spice bag if you don't know is a cultural bastardization that has occurred in Ireland wherein Chinese takeaways put a meat, sometimes multiple meats and a potato and sometimes multiple different types of carbs into a plastic bag with whatever the selection of spices is that day. Does it have to be a plastic bag? Oh yeah.

Carrier bag. Yeah, I like that. You'd bring your own carrier bag. Mine said Euroland on the side. So they shake it up and then they give it to you like it's, oh, that's an appropriate way to serve food. It's incredible. I mean,

I don't catch on. I mean, people didn't eat out of buckets until like the kernel came along, right? Oh my God, I was like, where are these bucket places that are right? Yeah. I wanted to use a food bag because when I, not a feed bag, like a horse, a feed bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because speaking of horses, when I was a, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but when I was in primary school, like I had an obsession with feed bags. What? I really wanted to have my lunch. You're popular as a school, yeah. Not maddenably.

That's incredible. Were you just like, there's lunches too inefficient? Well, I think I saw like a documentary, like a thing about how horses eat. And it was like, yeah, you put your grains in. Do you put an apple in? And I was just like, that would be great if there was like a peanut butter sandwich in there. Like a cheese drink. But didn't you have a lunch box?

Yeah, but. It didn't feel as good? No, it's not quite the same. Wow. Did you get a feedback? No. Okay, right. Helen's like, and then

There's still time. It's a tricky lunch break at school where everyone sits down, everyone sits down, opens their lunch boxes and Jen just gets strapped in by two dinner ladies, one to make sure she doesn't kick back. To be clear, it has caught on.

The spice bag is a phenomenon in Ireland. Incredible. Which is really sad. I think it's like actually managed to pass by my favorite aspect of Irish takeaways, which is the three and one, or five in one. What's that?

The three in one is fried rice, chips, curry sauce. That's, it's a big, like, silver Tupperware thing. Oh, I did have chips with the curry sauce in a silver Tupperware. From a takeaway? Yeah, from a takeaway. Yeah. Okay. Not the same, but I hear you.

Wait, wait. So you get rice. A layer of rice, a layer of chips, a layer of curry sauce. That's three and one. So good. So you bounce back from that famine like no one's business, didn't you? We have a hunger. Just in case.

Apologies, continue amazing. Yes, mercy book. So then a five and one is that, but with two added mystery meats. Define mystery meat. So it'll be like. Pigeon. Maybe pork, maybe chicken, maybe beef, just kind of depends on the day. Yeah.

Nice. Pretty exciting stuff, actually. A lot of jeopardy in our Chinese takeaways, but it's always a bit of fun. So I've never seen a spice back here, but I'm a, where they have them like in the north a little bit now oh really yeah because i watch a lot of like food wait is that a different kind of spice it's like i don't know what spice oh that was a drug joke ha ha never mind oh okay oh okay i didn't get it either i've got food on the brain so i'm just thinking about you with the feed bag i'm so distracted are you both just

hungry now yeah i'm just thinking about like horses jen eyes yeah you're going to edinburgh comedy festival yeah what's your show called it's called Peak Trans. I'm doing it. Great name. Thank you very much. You're welcome. I'm doing it with objectively funny. So it's at the Gilded Balloon.

Yes. What time are you at? Every day at 7 o'clock. Gorgeous. Is it your debut? Kind of. Okay. I don't know.

Yeah, well, you can say whatever you want it to be. Let's say yes. Let's say yes. Oh my God. I love that for you. I love that for you too. And what's it about? Let's say no.

Let's say no. Yeah. The pressure's off. Because actually, I'm going for best newcomer again. Are you? Yeah, but apparently I'm not eligible. but I'm like, I won another shot. Just give it a go.

Yeah, right? Absolutely. Just keep saying you're a baby. I'm a baby. I'm brand new. I'm only four. It's about like lots of things. It's just like a general hour of stuff.

Great. It's mainly about sort of like trans stuff in the UK. But it's funny and it's not like depressing or anything. Oh, it sounds fun. Yeah, yeah. Also, nobody assumed that. I mean. I would have.

Oh, no, to be clear. All Edinburgh comedy shows sound like the worst hour of all time. That's the thing is I was like. Maybe I don't assume that because my debut is like, I'm the bisexual daughter of a Catholic deacon and I have a mental health disorder. All right. So I'm like, oh, just the one thing.

That's fine. Mine's like, I creep out and I'm like, hi. I'm like that kind of energy. Please tell me, that's how you'll start in your show. It can be. Just silence. Is there any of New York Jennan? No.

Are you going to do another show with New York Jenning? I'm like a night show. One day maybe. Yeah. If anyone wants it, if there's a demand. There's a demand for it. Then I will. I think you should be doing a late show of New York Jen.

I would love to. With a feedback on. Yeah. Oh my God, yes. Can you tell the listeners what New York Jen is? So it's me, but with a New York accent. It's so fucking fun though. But lots of like different jokes and just silliness and just.

It's joyous. It's joyous. More of a. Can I hang out with New York Jen sometime? Only if we go to New York. Oh my God. Why don't you go to go to New York? They've got a bigger

Bubba Gump shrimp there than they do in London. They do and they do the accents with such commitment. Yeah. So what is that? Because I've seen that in less just,

is it a restaurant? Is it a shop? It's everything. It's a restaurant. It's a shop. It's a sensory experience. They do the accent. Everybody does the accent.

And if you want to get your weight of attention, you have a sign that says run, Forest Run. And they ask you Forest Gump trivia. No, this feels inappropriate. Helen, am I wrong?

And they do our shrimp and all the flavors they list. It's incredible. In the film. It's incredible. Okay. I don't eat shrimp, but should I go?

Then no. Be respectful. That's a crazy thing to do. I like going there in the States because, as with all restaurants, but particularly that one, for some reason, everyone in America likes to explain to me their Irish heritage. But then having them try to explain it in the accent that isn't naturally theirs. They're doing too much thinking. It's so fun.

It really puts up a narrative. American's nice. American's love Ireland, don't they? They sure do. They sure do. here's my question back to your show and we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to but um when i was doing my debut and i was like i'm got to tell my little queer narrative do you feel under pressure to talk about one thing well no because i've kind of put that on myself

for this show like i've done like an hour before like elsewhere not like a debut but like right it's not a debut oh no have you done an hour at the fringe before um yeah i did it i did it last year at the mini one oh yeah i've done like brighton and pastings and loads of other places before was it Was it build as like your error or is a work in progress last year? It was like a work in progress. Then this is your debut, bitch. Jeez. All right, great.

This doesn't have to be in the podcast. That's just me. No, it's fine. What was the question again? Like, do you feel under pressure to have to talk about? No, because I kind of wanted to because, but I, but for my next thing, I won't probably talk about it at all. But like for this one, I did want to because I just felt like it's been really intense over the past couple years. So I was like, yeah, I'm going to talk about it, I guess.

It has been really interesting. But like, we don't want to give away the spoilers, just go see Jen show. I die. at the end. But she just performed the last section as a ghost with a New York accent.

That's a pretty good idea, actually. That would be amazing. Would enjoy wood one. Cut that out. I'm using that. Yeah, I love it. Oh, damn it. No, no.

Are you directing the Jen? I always like to provide my own beeps. Are you directing Jen's show now? What's happening? I haven't been asked. Ask objectively funny. Oh. The straightest most of this woman

who's ever existed? Oh. Alo. Being straight. She's too into it. No. I think, I, I think that I'm not like, uber straight because I'm so like, you're culturally gay.

I'm cultural, am I? No. Am I? No. I don't accept you're not invited. I think if to identify with a different group, I'd be closest to gay men. Yeah, I think that's fair. Like, as far as like musical theater vibes go.

Yeah. And just sort of like, like, like, like adult Disney fans with like, yeah. cross-over eating disorders. Like, I'm in that group of gay. Sure. Do you know what day it is today? What day is it today?

It's lesbian day. It is. Is it? It's lesbian visibility day, which is... I see you. I see you! I don't think there's a lesbian in the room, is it? I see you!

I don't think there's any lesbians here. You failed the test. Yeah, sorry. That's crazy. No, sorry. But there'll be one watching. I see you. Yeah, we see you.

opting the day for... Mel and Sue are watching. Oh, are they lesbians? One is. Sue is. Sue is. Sue is, yeah. Mel's thinking about it.

Let's have a fun game when we just list lesbian. The sad thing about lesbian visibility day is how much it's currently being co-opted to drive a narrative of anti-transness, which is so fun. That's just every day. I'm not bothered about it.

Wait, why does lesbian visibility day do that? Oh, just because it's like a child. Oh, no. You hate me. No, all lesb- In fact, most lesbians... I don't. Let's be clear.

Most lesbians don't. There's just a loud, small group who do, and love any chance to be like, this is another reminder that... And you're like, fuck off. I actually have a lot of lesbian friends, not to brag. Oh, damn. Good. I'm so glad to hear it.

I actually have a lot of lesbian friends. For hikes? I have been on hikes. Yeah. To the downs in bruntian. writer. Her name's Stella. Shout out to Stella. Oh, what a gay name. Hi, Stella. Nice to see you. I love the name of Stella. Always makes me think of like, Stella.

Yeah, yeah. From modern family. Yeah. From modern family. They go, Stella. Yes, they lose the dog called Stella. It's a really important epic theme. I think it's referencing a book. Yeah. I think it's a play, maybe. Oh, wonderful. What way? Or a meme? I might be by Tennessee Williams. I think it's a meme. Oh, good for them.

That was a lesbian, by the way. Tennessee. Oh, Tennessee Williams is a lesbian. Brilliant stuff. Didn't know that. Is it at I? I'm learning a lot. I thought it was a drink. How exciting?

Lovely. Oh my fucking God, I'm going on tour. What am I doing? Oh my God, she's going on tour. She's going on a tour for the first time ever. So cute. I know. Little baby Helen out on the road by herself.

By herself. Yeah, I'm going to be running up and down the motorways to save money on track. Just me on the M-Sex holding my tent's like, nearly there. We're past. Jewsbury, I don't know, thanks this. You can use some, like, indicators. Oh, my God. I mean, if you do want to see me on the motorway,

100% just look out on the M6, M1 and M3. If not, I will be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, then going back to Edinburgh, because apparently I can't plan at all without going to one city, then the same city the next month, even though everyone's already been in, like, loads of comedy. So Edinburgh and Edinburgh, Edinburgh, Edinburgh, Glasgow,

Aberystwood, Maidenhead, Norwich, Bristol, Manchester, Birmingham, Shrewsbury, Brighton, Cambridge, Nottingham, Oxford, Leeds, York. Leicester, Newcastle, Berlin in London. Wow Please come see me The Soho Theater in London That's the one where my friends will come And it'll be really embarrassing

If people aren't there But if you know anyone in those areas Please come Because I will lose it If I show up and no one's there somewhere She's very good It's stand up, go see her I'm so good

I'm so good at it She ain't wrong I'm so talented So please come All the tickets are on my website And can you tweet me when you book tickets so then I don't have to beg as much. Thank you so much.

Oh, also at the weekend, I did a tour show in Bristol. Lovely stuff. What a nice place to gig. Oh my God, it's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. And the people are nice, dreamy. Are you just discovering this? I think I just hadn't noticed Bristol before.

Before I came to the UK, everyone was like, you got to see Bath. It's all about Bath. And Bath is nice, but Bristol. I don't know. It has something. I really like this. I was going to say what? Wee, we.

It took me a while to get to Bristol. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Like 30 years. Yeah. It's really nice. I really nice.

Food's great. People are lovely. No, it's not. It's actually not. It's like an hour away. Yeah, sure. But it's also like very queer in a way I didn't expect it to be, which was great. And so the audience were like, I walked in and there was already like I could see more.

Your people. Yeah, I could see bowl cuts and I thought this is for me. It's like crusty queer. It's kind of like we're queer, but we live in. like a disuse post- queer just like they make their own

yeah yeah like they tattoo each other and they like lots of sick and poke yeah but also like like prison no yeah

what we've got different ways with that anyway they were fabulous and so Guy Goodman one of our exec producers was there with his wife who turns out does exist honestly Jen

that's a shocker I knew that I saw her on Zoom okay well I just assumed she was hired for the evening regardless as a stand-in I don't know what I'm saying

The point is they were there and they're coming to Edinburgh Fringe and I was saying that we should get a gang together of giggliss and hog fans

to go to see your show at the same time so I'm going to bring about 45 hoglets hogs Is that what you call them hoblets? Yeah I think we're like

That's nice, I like that Hugglets is cute right but then it's because like M and Andrew are the Hugglets so are they hogs it's very hard to say Junior Hugglets

Junior Hugglets So you're the Hugs Yeah No I'm Helen you're Helen You're the trusty heart All the time All the fucking time

So you're the pig No Helen You need to sort this out Because you need it for the merch Like you need to come out of the gate Knowing what your family But I would like it if we just Like completely ignored merch

And we've got some merch But just went straight for everyone Us to get tattoos Oh I love that You've got to have my face tattooed on your stomach And then my name down your back In Arabic

What about me? I mean folly That's what she always tries to do But yeah, they're coming, so I really want to go and make sure that everyone is, I want to go on a day with hog fans. That'll be so cute. I know, right? I mean, but your show's just after, after them before mine. Yeah, but I can come straight after.

You'd be sweaty. Oh, Jesus. You must have really nice fans. They are really nice. Oh, they're lovely. They're really nice. I met the others like, they're just so good. Like, they're good people.

That being said, we're going to get an asshole one now. Oh, no doubt. But they all bring Helen gifts, which is. Really? Just Helen. Oh my God. So much stuff. It's so good.

Because she lists the things she wants out loud reviews with the other podcast. That's like having an Amazon wish list. So you don't have it then. I want recommendations. That's my new one coming up. I want more like kitsy mugs. I love magnets.

I love magnets. I want some too. I need some new period pants. Size 22. Okay. How about I get a little wish list on Amazon? because I can't list all the things like you do. But regardless, we have, on this podcast, Jen,

we help our listeners with their problems on account of the list of our guests. Would you be willing to help us with one? Yeah, I'll try. Okay, amazing. Em, do we have a problem from a listener? You don't believe in yourself. I'm a support worker. I love that Jen is like, I will assess the situation and let you know if I can help.

Oh my gosh, who's like, we're like, we can help in any situation. Yeah. If anything, we're too confident. I like your level of, um, what are we looking at? Are they going to come out? Oh, my God. Do they let's stand there Oh, you know, we don't whisk them out

Helen, put your legs away Close your legs, Helen, Helen. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, it's not a very civilised podcast. That's how like the sexiest I'm watching on YouTube, you're fucking welcome. Helen just growled while she threateningly got out of her vagina. Oh, I think you would know.

You would have smelt it. Oh, Jesus. Over my legs. Is that the trusty hog? No, because she's not that trustee. She's reliably exposed, though. Fucking out. And she's always going to be a bit grey.

Oh, geez. What am I looking at? You're looking at Emma, who's going to read us in trouble. Oh, okay. Tell us. Okay, so this correspondent has asked to be referred to as gorgeous, excuse me, so this is from gorgeous. Hi, gorgeous. Hi, gorgeous.

I'm really into this. Feels very JVN. Yeah, the situation is three months ago, I moved to London from Fringe. Welcome. Hey, well done. That's going really well, but I've struggled making new friends. I'm used to have you small circle of friends, people I've known since we were literal toddlers. So I'm doing everything I can to meet people, joining clubs, reaching out to online mutuals.

But every time I try and arrange to meet IRL outside these activities, they all, bar one, have flakes out on me. I'm worried that this is the norm for London, because if it is, I'm a person who values reliability in my friendships. So it's going to really hamper my ability to build relationships. I'm also very decisive and confident so I do worry sometimes I steamroll people and hanging out with me so my questions what can I do to make people more reliable

less likely to flake house on me and two what signs should I look for that someone actually isn't interested in being friends so you just need to manipulate them into the situation very simple what I would threaten is suicide if they don't meet up with you Helen! No! You've got a guaranteed hanged!

No! Helen! Jesus! Problem solved! Next, you're welcome, gorgeous. It probably would work. It would have a highest accessory. It wouldn't. No, it's London. It wouldn't.

People would be like, I'm busy, babe. I'm busy. I can't make it. Good luck though. So as somebody's not from London. How do you feel about that? I think, first of all, it is the norm in London. I think people are real busy.

People have got a lot of pressures and everything feels so far away and the place is stressful. And also it's expensive. So people put, I think, greater litmus tests on meeting up with new people. up with new people. But I would say a couple of things that I find useful. Try if you can to suggest things that don't cost money. I know that sounds weird, but I think a lot of the time people are like, oh God, I just can't spend another

30 quid just because we had eggs. And so like coffee and a walk would be good. The other thing to say is that it's fine. You're putting yourself out there and that's going to take time. It's not going to happen straight away. But actually, when people flake out on you on the first time, I feel like that's useful information.

The worst is when you hang out with someone three times and then they get flaky and you're like, well, I thought we were like you're like okay cool the one person who didn't that's a good egg and then the next person who doesn't will also be but it's going to take time I really do think it's going to take time also I don't know if we discuss this on the podcast

or just like in real life but like we had like a couple of gigs recently I don't know whether you I think you were where they'd like met on Bumble Friends oh it is it is and like I think the person was like saying like oh that's so weird

and it's like no I've actually heard that increasingly more and more at gigs Bumble for friends and it's sort of It might be Bumble. It's one of the, I think it is, though. And you can find yourself buddies. Like, nothing romantic. It's just sort of like, hey, do you, I'm also new here or I don't, like, I want to meet someone new.

Also, like, there is loads of free things to do in London. It don't cost fuck all to go in the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. True. Well, I was going to say, I mean, I don't know how old gorgeous is. Yeah. I'm going to say, my advice would be, I think you need to, like, aim. I think you, like, forget about young people because they're, like, not doing, you know, they've got lives and that. You want to aim at, like, older people.

Okay. What do you call older, do you? Like, 80. Oh. 90. Like, people who are kind of, like, near the end, they're lonely. Like, and just talking about free things. Like, the library is a great place to kind of just hang out, meet old people and befriend them. We are such predators, and I fucking love this for us.

And they won't get rid into their will, Jen? Well, I did it once. What got rid into a will? You stood in a library. No. So when I used to work in Tesco, there was this older lady used to come in all the time. And she was lovely. She had, like,

ferrets and she would show me pictures of her ferrets. She was, like, amazing. She's kind of like a local, kind of, like, quirky person. What do you, what do you call those? A cook. A cuck! A nutter. She's an accent. She was a lovely.

A natural lift. And she was, it. No, she was really lovely, really, really nice. And it was always a joy when she would come in. But then I was quite young when I worked in Tesco. And then when I was leaving after two years, she was, like, really sad. And I felt really guilty. So I gave her my phone number.

Yeah. She was like 70. and she then kept texting me and asked me if I wanted to go out and do something. So I took her to the Sea Life Center in Brighton and I bought her an ice cream and there was just this moment where she was like sitting on the wall outside and she had the ice cream and she was licking it

and it all just fell down her foot. And I just thought, I've overstepped a boundary. It should not be this friendship. Yeah, it was really, but then she took me to a big thing. Tesco, not the Tesco I worked in. And she kept, she kept trying to buy me things. She kept trying to buy me like a duvet. Oh, my God.

She was like, do you need a duvet? Do you need this? And I was like, sweet angel. Yeah, but I cut it off then. I was like, she's trying to buy me things. You know, it's, I feel like I'm taking advantage. I didn't let her buy me anything.

Not to bring it back to me, but I'm really worried that's how you treat me because you took me to the Sea Life Center and then you bought me a slushy. And I'm really worried. It was your birthday. I know, but now I'm worried that you're sort of like treating me, like, Gentry is the 70 year old. If anything, I think I'm the 70 year old in our dynamic and you're just my giddy, like, grandchild.

Thank you so much. What was the best thing you saw at the Sea Life Center? Jellyfish. Oh my God. Jellyfish or a revelation? I love jellyfish. It was a revelation for Catherine, but I said before we went in,

I'm going to love the jellyfish. Can we get back to gorgeous for a second? Yeah, gorgeous. Okay, what my friends started doing. I mean, number one, you can try making friends away that Catherine is doing at the moment, which is aggressively going to quizzes and yelling at people, which I don't think she's making friends,

but she is making enemies. I'm making money. She's making a splash. She's making money My friend My friend just started ice skating lessons And I think it's the best thing That she's ever done

She's really uncoordinated And she loves it My friend jazz Oh that's so excited No no no Like stretham Oh maybe that's what I was thinking of Streatham yeah

My friend did that in Manchester She started learning to Charlotte started to learn to ice skate And it's like good for you Why the fuck not Freaking lush stuff Also my friend has started doing Like jiu jiu-jitsu lessons

And it's amazing, though, because she's been doing, so basically she got a role in a play. She got cast to Scow in To Kill a Mockingbird in the West Ends. No, no, no, it doesn't. Yeah, no. So basically, my friend Gwyneth, we've mentioned her before in this, big fans of Gwyneth. We should have her on here. We should, we should. She basically, so she got cast as the role and then, like, but they had, like, ages before rehearsals started.

But she knew this job was coming up, so she couldn't take another job because it's like, it's a play, so it takes up, like, nearly a whole year. Yeah. So she was like, oh, what do I do? What do I do to film my time? and to like hang out with people because everyone else is working started jiu-jitsu

and now if you go see To Kill a Mockingbird in the West End Scout is fucking ripped You've got the hentious scout ever running around I think out of being out of being out I think under the like screaming is a valid point here gorgeous

which is actually that I think there's something to be said for a sports team Yeah any kind of club right Yeah because I think unlike like other activities sports people tend to go for a drink afterwards like so like if you join a rugby team or a hockey team or like whatever they'll go out after like and I think that's

fun of the nice way you can just do like a class yeah oh no I think you do have to play if you join a sports team why I know I'm sorry they need spectators no I don't think that person gets to go to the pub after I think you have to actually play oh my god actually I saw something I love the two of you were like you can just

do orange slices no I think you have to play any excuse if you want you can come with me and Jen to a horse meat yeah I'll be there going up to horses being like, do you human? Were you human before this? And Jen will be trying to get their feed bags off and try it.

And also, here's another thing. I passed the other day on the train. You know, when you see something and you're like, oh, my life is a waste without this. So I was in between Denmark Hill and Peckham Rye on the overground. And I looked down and there's a barbecue school there now, London School of Barbecue.

And I looked up and you can just do like a weekend course where you just get taught how to buy them. barbecue by like three hipsters? And I was like... Is that like Hamburger University than McDonald's has? It looks like that! But I think I might like book in with a couple of friends.

Yes. I mean it's just curious of I want to know what they teach. I would love to spend a weekend at the London Barbecue School and graduate. Yeah. And that's something where I think it's not a massive commitment. Yeah. But it's like two days and like you will meet people there 100%. The thing I want to say to gorgeous is like, well done.

You're trying. Yeah. You're trying and it's only been three months. and I know that probably feels like ages but in reality like the fact that you're already putting yourself out there that you've already joined things

is so impressive it took me years in London to get like a core group together and to figure out how to meet people and I had to start an entire new career and pretend I like jokes for that to happen like it just was like

so sad for you I know this whole thing was just supposed to be to meet people and now I'm doing this My best friend when I first reached London was the security garden accessory as I worked in his name was Nureman

and he taught me Ardu Muslim Ushah Hannah. Nice. It was a wonderful relationship. I'd say one of my best friends for a long time in London was my then handyman for the block I lived in. And now he worked for the company that was managing it. And now he's still my handyman.

But he just comes to my house. I give him chocolates for his kids. He tells me his news. I tell him mine. And he won't let me pay him. Really? Yeah. That's so not.

You inherited him. Yeah. We both basically just found like London dads. But in the meantime, I strongly recommend, yeah, sports team. Or, yeah, maybe going to your local quiz and asking if anybody needs an extra team Or start comedy. Or start comedy.

Like, all of that boys. The quality of your friends will be low, but you'll have them. It gets better. Jen Ives, what a lovely girl you were. Thank you. Yeah. Ow.

Strong hand. There you go. Oh, God. Stop. Oh, no, stop it. I need this for work Not me more I had a lovely time

This was so nice Well thank you there's a big question Where can people find more of you You can find me on Twitter The racist Twitter Instagram Jen Ives

Jen Ives Jen Ives Gen Ives comedian on Twitter I'm embarrassing But you got to say it You got to say it There's a playwright

called Jen I was I'm not doing with that I think so Okay so Jen Ives comedian On Twitter and Instagram And what about TikTok I am on there

But I can't remember My username And there's no point In looking at what I do on there And also you have a website And content Genives. Dot net

Have you put out loads of online content I put out loads of shit YouTube or should they go to your website Like I have a Patreon Am I allowed to plug that? Yeah Okay

It's called patreon.com slash Jen Ives And I do all my best stuff is there It's genuinely Jen's online content is amazing Really really good And strong I would strongly recommend paying for it

It's very Strongly recommend Very good Also if anyone who is just sort of like Why would you say I'm not going to type it in We're just going to tagged you in everything Yeah

Just one click away I put like all Like I put loads of stuff on there like stand up and like dumb videos and funny tweets as well i'm just like funny they're free the tweets are free also a lot of let's be honest why am i paying let's be honest a lot of thirst traps on there too jen let's be real some but if you can't if you can't post there then where can you no absolutely family what's up great boom i have i feel like i have to do it because like and this isn't you're so hard

well yeah but also because like every time i post anything on there i get like a thousand people telling me I'm ugly so like you have to keep doing it to kind of like it's like how you generate attention yeah yeah yeah okay well that's gross and I'm sorry I hate them for me I'm not being a victim it's so much fun it's so good yeah Jenna! Jenna! Yay! Yeah! I go see Jen in Edinburgh please I show's gonna be amazing! Please do! I'm so hungry! Come on then! Thank you.