Trusty Hogs - Ep33. MICHELLE DE SWARTE / Dogs, Diana & Diary Management

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Michelle De Swarte (The Duchess, The Fashion Show, Comedy Central, etc.) joins us for a chat of tangents, truth bombs, and tantrums...  Follow Michelle: @MichelleDeSwarteThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary FoxPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Sarah & Adam / Oliver JagoWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Virginia Company. I've listened to that, Andrew. I'd say 10 times this morning. And that is arguably the worst Disney song. Does that make me a white nationalist? We need to, we need to start the episode. I've started. What?

No, no, no, no. I've started. That's can't be the stars. I think that Virginia Company might be the worst Disney song. But I'm, Pocahontas, is the opening song for Pocahontas. Hello. Welcome to Trusted Hoggs, a podcast where I have. Helen Bauer and you, Catherine Bower.

Catherine, Mary Joseph Bohart. No, not even close. Talk about ourselves, and then we solve your problems, and then we banter some more about Virginia Company, the opening song for the Disney animated film. Hello, welcome to Trustee Hoggs, episode what, Andrews, 36? 33, 33, episode 33. Oh, I'm 33.

And today our guest is, and today I'm so old, today our guest is Michelle just swore. We're so excited. She's like an actress, model, comedian. I assume she's a model. I knew her from the Duchess, like Catherine Ryan's best friend, by the way. I heard someone in fact, Catherine Ryan yesterday is Kitty Ryan.

Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe it. I was like... Absolutely not. Who? That's like when people ask, call me Cathy without my permission. But you're such a Cathy.

But I'm not a Cathy. If you weren't doing comedy, you'd be a Kathy. How dare you? Ah, sure, you know, Katty. I know, hate. Thank you, Andrew. Absolutely not. I'm a full name, Catherine.

She is Katty, but she's a Catherine. Nobody else calls me anything shortened except my father who calls me, Kate, and that's allowed. Okay, Kathy, let's start the show. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests, and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine.

The trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Never again Never again I've had a lot of chucky porridge I'm back on it this morning Unless you want me to start calling you health

That's absolutely fine I hate it What's wrong with health? Health bells Okay hello Welcome Helen we have so much to talk about It's crazy

I've been on tour I brought Andrew to do tour support For some of my trip Okay, so I vaguely know about this. Do you want to tell me what Andrew does in the morning? Well, it's crazy. First of all, a couple things. Oh, wait, oh, sorry, I think the baby boy wants to advocate for himself.

Oh. Please. No, I want to hear what I should. I don't know. I need to hear what you're on the same speed in a lot of ways. It's great, right? We both love to do admin during the day. We're happy to sit in a coffee shop all day and not talk, but like nod and smile when we choose biscuits.

You're a fun duo. We're such a fun gang. We've done a lot of admin. He's so, like, he's so on time. He's so professional. He's like, such a. helper but oh my God in the mornings the man doesn't wish to be spoken to which I respect

I also respect but then like his buffet choices are all over the shop he had a savory round fine mixed with pastries so it did seem like he was doing like a little bit of sweet fine I'm absolutely fine I also like a savoury croissant so I don't even mind

mixing the genres yeah he goes and gets a load of fruit doesn't eat it yeah I do that all the time with me for the day. Did you eat it during the day, Andrew? I did, yeah. I didn't see that. My hero. Secret eating the fruit.

Then he went and made a waffle. Of course you do. There's a waffle maker. Yeah. Of course you're going to. Wait, where are you touring that you've got access to a waffle maker? Oh, it was the, what was it? Hampton by Hilton.

Which is he? Leeds. I need to book my, like, accommodation for my tour. We really did balance, though, because the next night we stayed in an Ibis budget. Did you know there's a worse version of Ibis? Yeah, I do. I just assumed Ibis budget was the name of Ibis. No, Ibis budget is fucking legendary as far as I'm concerned.

It's bad. It's a car park. You sleep in a car park. It's incredible. I didn't know there was a worst version of Ibis. And oh, boy, I stayed in Ibis styles in Liverpool, which is a fun bit funky. There's a version of Ibis called Ibis style. Yeah.

So it was like all Beatles themed, or at least my floor was. Fine. I can get on board with that. They're like going kitchy. That's cool. Cut up. But no, it was real bad. No, Lou, just a wet room sort of situation.

Anyway, back to his breakfast choices So he makes this waffle, right? Fine, gorgeous. What did you put on your waffle, Andrew? I lost a chocolate sauce and sprinkles and marshmallows. Sucking mushrooms. Marshallows in the morning. Healthy sugars for the day. Thank you.

Then he proceeds to eat how much of it, Andrew? Less than half. I mean, I'd say, oh, you got over excited. Forty five percent, less than half. Less than half. 45 percent, he said. If you're going marshmallows in the morning, you better find. fucking double down and eat that shit.

Oh my God. This is peer pressure, Catherine. Andrew, I totally get this. I feel like when I'm at a breakfast buffet and I'm not in the mode of it, like I have to do that three on the trot to be in sync with the breakfast buffet. I think what happened is you got over-excited.

Bless your cotton socks. And instead of having love and support from across the table, because what you should have done in that moment is go, don't worry, baby boy, Andrew. I've got you and join in with the marshmallows. I'm allergic to gluten. There's not glued in marshmallows.

Also, to be fair, the night before I'd gotten drunk and eaten Dominoes, so I'd never like to stand on. What's what Dominoes? Stuff crushed. You guys have just been pigging out and tour. Is that what you've been doing? Oh, yeah, because it's all we did. Yeah, it was a really great time.

We went to, oh my God, we went to this gorgeous place in Leeds. Was it Leeds? No, no, no, it was Sheffield. Marmaduke. Yeah, Marmadukes. Because it was on Nish Kumar's Instagram when he was touring there, and I was like, looks nice. Went to Marmaduke's.

They gave us a free cake. It was such good. I had food. I had a potato pie with potato salad. Yes, please. Stop it. That was great. It was so good. And also they were like, oh, we don't we have a table down here. We'd like to sit in our coffee room or tea room. We went upstairs. It was just a like benched room for two with tables and we got to work there for four hours and we just got so much. We planned for our admin. It was amazing. We got to sit and work there for four hours. You've got no idea how great it was. Doesn't Sheffield have more going on? than admin in a tea room.

We had work to do. How do you think this podcast gets the run? I don't know. I figured that like M just sort of does some buttons and Andrew and you and me chill here for an hour each week. How do you think the editing gets done or the guests get bossed? Andrew presses the edit button on the software.

Who sends the money to your account? Who sent Andrew? Yes. Thank you. Yeah, I'm just saying we, yeah, we do some admin. Yeah. I know. I know what admin is.

I'm just sort of like, I would never be like, it was incredible, I got four hours to sit and do it. But I, yeah, I rarely get to sit in a nice place and get some work done focused in a way that isn't like, and I have to go here and do that and blah, blah, blah. And especially where you're away from home, you can't like be... Yes, you can't be like, I need to hoover or watch telly or whatever.

That's true, actually. I did do some work on holiday. That's right, I went on holiday. Oh my God, how was your holiday? Yay! Yay! Okay, number one, I'm crazy tanned, but no one has said anything. I said you were tanned. Only you, but only after I went...

I mean, everyone looks tan to me, but you look very fan. Oh, yeah. You can see my veins through my skin. Oh, actually, I don't look tanned. I am tanned. Put yourself beside me. She looks tanned. Come on, that's tanned.

That's fucking tanned. I've got so many scars up my arm from working and catering for so long. Just like little white stains of like boiling hot water bashing against me. Stay on message. How was your holiday? Yeah, it was really good. It was really good. I missed you. I went to Croatia.

I learned all about their war that ended in 1995. They got independent from the Yugosan. Slavians and which are the Russians, which are the Russians, right? Yeah? I went to something that was built in the 14th, 15th century and then something. The 14th, 15th century? Is that right? It feels like those are two different centuries?

14th, 15th century. It took a long time to build that they didn't have craning. Both, both, both, both. Okay, great, great, good. No cranies, no, wheelbarrowies. Actually, no, probably had wheelbarrowies. They were probably invented quite early. Maybe.

And then that was in somewhere called Dubrovnik. Amazing We've heard of it, yeah So good, right? Then I went to an island called Havar Magical, mystical, very confusing what was happening there. There were a lot of cats there.

Oh really? I don't like cats. I made friends with like three of them, I'd say. I'd say one friendship was both ways and two were quite desperate from me. Cats are quite aloof. Yeah, so licorice and me I'd say these are all self-named.

They weren't called this. Did they self-identify as licorice? No, my sister named them licorice and marshmallow and stuff. Your sister wasn't on the holiday. No, she was on video chat a lot. Right, okay. To check in with licorice and marshmallow. And name the cats.

Sure. So, like, licorice and me, I'd say got on, but it was definitely a sort of like, you're giving me ham, so I like you. Okay, like, personality-wise ham or, like, actual ham? Act. Okay, she wasn't just, like, loving your cat. I gave this cat, like, about two kilos of ham

from the breakfast buffet every morning. It wasn't just like, you were like, me, ow. Oh. I wish I had. If anyone goes to Hotel Podstein or Stein on Havar Island, go find licorice. You'll know which one he is. Marshmallow's the big one.

I'm sorry to interrupt this good catchout by saying like, you're wearing a really nice bra that matches your cardigan, which I can see. It's insane. No, no, you don't need to take your top off. You don't need to take your top off.

You don't need to take your top off. I'll show it to you. Okay, go on. Oh shit, that's nice. Is this another? Curvy Kate? Yeah, baby. Do you want to touch it?

Do you want to touch it? I do. I love the two tone. Thank you. Gorge. Thank you. Yeah. Also like, hang on a second.

So she gave you swimsuits for your holiday. I got sent a swimsuit. Yeah. So show your tips to anyone online because you never know what could happen. I got a swim suit, two bras, two knickers and a sleep bra. Oh my God. Thank you. How's a sleep bra working out?

So fun. Interesting. Well, I'm so glad you looked hot in your swimsuit. Thank you. You looked hot as well. which is nice. I was boiling. It was like 25 degrees.

No, I meant like sexually attractive. I always feel sexually attractive. Good for you, girl. But from today when I haven't brushed my teeth. Okay, but you washed your body. I washed my body, but I didn't wash my hair on my teeth. Well, you can't have it all, girl. And also, how often should you be washing your bones?

The only bones I wash. Wait, your teeth? The teeth bones. I know it's twice a day. I know it's twice a day. I feel like if you skip one. Do you go to the dentist often? So I met a dog.

Wait, what? I want to tell you what happened. Hang on. How often do you go to the dentist? It's every six months it's supposed to be. Yeah, I know, but like who does that? I do. But I've never had a filling or anything.

So I go like every year because I'm like, I'm fine. I've got really nice teeth. Okay, that's, you know what? Once a year is more than I thought you'd say. Carry on. It's not bad, is it? So you met a dog. I like the cleaning.

I like that feeling of like, oh my God, there's gaps in my teeth. You know? Like, oh, why we're, okay. But you know, you can feel like a couple of gaps. But then when you're there cleaned, you like, you're like whistling through I've got gapy teeth so then I can like

stuff gets caught in there I've got catchers too down here down here this one because the food build up it's kind of looks white anyways it's hard to tell oh my god that's what happened on tour Andrew

threatened to get his braces off before his teeth were finished Andrew I was like how fucking dare you do you know how lucky you are to get the top of the Q to the NHS to get braces you are keeping those on

until you're done young man do you hear me do you hear me and then he was like I wish I hadn't asked you because I knew you'd say this I was like anyone with a sane mind would have said this

Keep them on me, Andrew. I would have taken you immediately and fucking done it myself with wire cutter. Why are you asking Catherine? Well, actually, I'm kind of, I asked Catherine to give me a bit of a pep talk to keep doing it really. Yes. The thing is, my brace broke and I kept like fish hooking my mouth on my lip. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but like, go to the end of the...

Then you eat salt and vinegar crisps and your like mouth's on fire. Yeah, yeah, like rubbing them against my cheek now. Yeah. Well, get it fixed. Why would you get your braces? I'll fix now. They're fixed now. Good.

He's going to look gorgeous. Can I tell you. tell you about this dog. Sorry, yes, you managed. Yes! Okay, so me and Francis were out drinking one night, hanging out with cats. Francis is who I'm on holiday with.

Everyone knows Francis. France actually listened to the podcast sitting next to me on the beach at one point. I was like, she was laughing. I was like, what are you listening to? And she was like, you. I was like, that's fucking weird. Because we've been talking all, like, surely she's done. No, my friend texts me the other day was like, it's, Helen's making me scream.

And I was like, and me, also me? And also, hello. Hi. Hi. No, she loves it. Hi. Hi. So hi, Francis.

We love Francis. So Francis, basically, we'd been out, we'd been drinking, we'd been having a lovely time. Someone knew that I was a comedian at one of the restaurants, and we got given two free cakes. What? Insane. Really good, really good holiday for getting free stuff for being vaguely not successful in my career. Who knew you in Croatia? Number one got spotted on the plane going out there.

And then we were like spent the whole day doing tourist things basically with them the next day. Because we kept running into her. Sorry, rewind. And who recognized you on the plane? Some girl. That's so cool. I was like sitting there waiting for Francis because we like couldn't find water

and I was like by myself like mouth open like where is she? Where is she? It's going to close. It's going to close. And I was like and like so obviously being myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this girl went, Are you Helen Bowler? And I was like, well yeah, obviously. I'm fucking, can you help me? That's so cool. And then. Wait, what did she know you from? I don't know.

I don't ask. I like that she said it like a teaching assistant that was like, out for Helen. Are you Helen? Yeah, I've been told about you. Where are you going? Croatia. I don't know. That's so cute though. And then, yeah, she was so cute. She was so cute. And then in, I don't really know what happened. We couldn't quite figure it out. We were in a restaurant in Havar and we sort of

gone to the restaurant a little bit mad because we thought we'd seen one of the yachts from below deck, but we hadn't. Okay, yeah, but I can see how you'd be on a high. We were like losing our minds and it was, there was four yachts all part together. One of them was called Ohana, which we thought was from below deck, but it wasn't. It was next to a boat called Yolo. What? You lose? I lost my mind. Part next to a boat called the Princess Diana. Oh my God. Ah! Like, oh my God, that's amazing. Sorry, I just, I just want to like never get past the stage where it's cool that people recognize you in the street. Like, that's so cool. It was an airport. No, but I once had an air hostess on Air Lingus recognized me. And I was like,

air hostess, do we call them that now? Yeah. Okay. Well, I was, I don't know. I don't know. I was just so excited. And, like, she was so nice. But I was, she recognized me as I was, I never get recognized when I'm, if I'm not, the only times I get recognized is when I'm eating. Oh, yeah, you've told me this. Like in McDonald's and stuff. Like you always eat in, no, it was McDonald's.

So it was, um, I got once recognized in, oh, what's the one with the, the waffle fries? Leon. Yes. Thank you, Helen. I was ramming Leon fries into my face mid between the, you know, when you do the early and the late show at the store? Yes. And these boys came over to me with their phone and went, is this you?

Because that's how... By the way, I was wearing the same dress. That's how much worse I looked without makeup. They were like, it looks like you, but is it you or is just the same dress? And I was like, oh, more with me. And the other time was I was on a plane to Dublin, shoveling, shoveling tatoes into my face.

This is disgusting. This is why I don't eat in public. Well, listen, I don't know what to tell you. You should go Croatia. I know, so you got free cake. Sorry, to go back. You've seen the three boats. It's mad to me that anybody who can afford a yacht

would also say yolo, but fine. And then, um, so cool, like, presumably if you have that kind of money, you can cryogenes. And they even head under it, you only live once just in case anyone didn't get it. Like, they were like, do you get our joke? Do you get it? To be fair, if you own a yacht, your friends are so old that they might not get it, right? Do whatever you want. Yeah, sure. Okay, so you see this boat. It's a sign that you meet this dog. Where's the dog? Okay. We're drinking. We're having a lovely time. We have about like two liters of wine each.

We're feeling loose, but it's local wine, so you can't get hung over because it's not traveled. So then we like walk to the... I don't... Is that... Do you think... Yeah, there's something about like... You think a hangover... You think a hangover is like wine jet lag?

I think it's like there's a carbon footprint on the wine which affects a hangover like morally or something. No? There is something in that. There's a science. You have to Google it. So then we walk back to the hotel which took about like 25 minutes. Stumbling around, pissed.

You know, Brits abroad. Like, like... Who is the Balkan War? Like, you know, fun stuff. Fun stuff. Fun stuff. Fun stuff. In reality, the walk is three minutes long.

It just took hell in 25. We did get lost at one point and walked to the end of these, like, cliffs. And we were like, what the fuck are we doing? And like, every time I even veered close to the edge, Francis freaked out. And then we walked past this couple on the beach. And we were like, okay, there's two people out. Then we walked back because we got lost and they were gone. And I was like, did you see them too?

And then they were just sitting on a swing seat. Fucking creepy as shit, right? So we're already a bit frightened. Are they a couple or were they like twin children? Couple, couple. No, make it scary We got back to the hotel And it was like, no one's on reception

Like super late And we got to our room And I like put the key on it Or like buzzed Turned around to Francis And just went Because this massive dog But it didn't know it was a dog at first

I thought it was a spectre or something Like it was Because I was fucking cross-eyed pissed I probably actually pissed myself At this point Like in a bad way And this is It was a massive dog.

But it looked like just this big dark shadow in the hotel. And we've been there for three days. There was not a hotel dog. Okay, but your first assumption when seeing a dog was like a dementor or something or a spectre. Not a dog. Not a dog, no. Okay, so it was a dog. Because we've been talking about ghosts and being frightened on our wall.

If you'd been talking about dogs, would you have known it was a dog? I figured out it was a dog within like 10 seconds. Oh, congratulations. That's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. It was quick enough. That's like the alphabet for D, children recognize them very quickly. Basically, I screamed and then Farnas screamed at me thinking I was trying to make her scared.

So I was like, what? She was like, Helen! And then I was like, there's a fucking, there's a dog. And it was this big dog, just looking at us. What kind of dog are we talking? Like a stray, I don't know. I don't know. Okay, don't Google it.

Oh, you have a picture. I thought you were going to Google Spectre. I was like, nothing's going to come up. No, what is? Spector's a ghost, right? I've got this right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a spectre dog.

A very Charles Dickens kind of response. Yeah. Is this a spectre I see before me? I've got a very mis-Havisham vibe without the dress yet. And basically this massive dog. I mean, we were like, oh my God, it must be a stray because I had no collar or anything like that. And so those stray dogs.

And I was like, oh, shit, do you reckon it went through the automatic doors with us and we just didn't hear it? And you know, when like, you didn't hear the dog that was like, I can't believe I got there before you, I never get there before you to be like Helen's a mouth breather. I've got a heavy pan. Very hard to hear a big dog when I'm still going like, uh,

anyway, so basically because we got so excited about the Princess Diana boat earlier. We assumed it was the reincarnation of Princess Diana. We were fucking pissed. And we were like, Oh, my God. Yeah, that's not a thing you would do sober. And it had, like, big balls and everything.

Like, it was very confusing. It's like Diana didn't have balls, but did she? I don't know. And then, because we never saw the autopsy. Am I right, guys? Do you know what I mean? It's very confusing. But you also think she was pregnant.

She was pregnant with a Muslim baby, and that's by the Queen killed her. Oh, you know what? I can't even. I have too many questions. I actually had a really good conversation with someone yesterday about the fact that the queen is already dead. And I was like, this is my, this is my sort of chat. I was like, you're right, she is. Watch is just like animatronic.

Yeah, they're just waiting for the day the Elizabeth line opens on the 24th so they can announce it so everyone remembers to use it and go to Twythet and Redding. Just proper corpse up so that people remember about writing. Paddington Station's had a real nice revamp and there's a reason they want people to go there. It looks lovely. It looks great. It looks great. It looks great.

It really does. You're so right. Thank you. Anyway, Diana the dog. And then I was like, oh shit. There's no one else here. Like, it's not from a room. What do we do?

do because whenever we tried to go into our room Diana tried to come in as well and you know when like you obviously caution with the dog I've been bitten up by a dog before very frightening stuff you don't want to go in for it so we were both being quite standoffish we both thought at the same time oh I hope this dog doesn't pick up on us being frightened

yeah because she's a royal and she's not a royal she's a little bitch and then it's fine I'm sorry but like we have been over that before Andrew and I will not I will not tread the same ground again and I do every day. 100%

do. Since when? Support of friendship, please. And then we had to try and find away because every time I tried to get in a room

Diana tried to come in as well and we're like what's happening in here we're going to the room and it's like not now. So I had to walk her upstairs and trying to get her outside the automatic doors

but every time I went out she'd come out and then she'd follow me back in. It's mad that you think she's a reincarnation of Diana when it sounds like he was a reincarnation of you? Can you be reincarnated

like a mirroring at least? Obviously alive. Oh, or like in the golden compass with, you know, like, what they're called, your animal. Oh, yes. Damans. No. Yeah, they're called demons. Okay, cool.

I haven't read it. I haven't read it. I've listened to the audio book. Nice. I also pretended to read the amber spyglass in year six a lot. Nice. I didn't read a single word, but I just sat there because I thought a big book would make me look cool. Cool.

And it didn't. Oh, I did want. I just, I had a little flashback to this recently. I once took a book out of the library and then I realized I didn't want to read it. I brought it back two days later and the librarian was like, oh, you read that quick. And the ego boost was so much that I then spent the next two years taking out books for a couple of days, not reading them or returning them just for the validation of this librarian.

It's sad, isn't it? I totally get that. For the people who wanted the book couldn't read it while you were not reading it. Two days. Come up, it was two days. Also, I was taking out really potential stuff because no one was taking out. Like Journey's End. What's that called? Maybe somebody wanted it, Andrew. Maybe somebody wanted it. I was the school librarian. We only ever had one. It was me. It was a volunteer position, but I got a badge.

I got to spend all my lunches at the library with the librarian God she had some tales to tell It was kind of cool It took Thursdays off to go debating Other than that I don't know what to say It makes my heart sad but I know she thrived in it So I was the plant monitor

But I actually read the books I took out Who gives a shit? Okay Who gives the shit? It just feels like you guys can tell stories from your youth and everyone thinks they're cute and I tell them

and people just go quiet. People just go quiet fine, people go quiet fine, fine, fine, fine. No, I think I would have been jealous of you. But you know what we never talk about I was thinking about this when you were talking about going on holiday

because you always are so curious you go and try to learn things about the country that you go to. Yeah. But we never talk about the fact that I was thinking about this the other day you just went to Germany and learned German.

I know. I'm a very oppressive accomplished young woman. That is really important. fucking cool. Dankashen. I mean, I did speak a bit of German

before I went. But Dancishin. Yeah, but like what? Like GCSE level or A level? I don't know. Like conversational. Yeah, but that's...

Okay, I speak a little bit of conversational French. I couldn't go there and be like... It wasn't German full time. I'm very impressive. But that's really fucking cool. No, but... Or should I say instead of Dancashen,

Shavlach, which is thank you. In Croatian. Nah? Oh my God, you're so good. Shabla. Okay, I really feel like you can't deal with my earnestness, right now?

No, I can't. I can't. I literally freaking out. If it helps at all, I'm saying this mainly because I keep getting text messages about how mean I am to you on pod. And I feel like...

No, you're not. Yeah, people are always like, you're real mean to Helen. I'm like, it's our schick. Poor Helen. Poor Helen. I know I've got a new thing now where I would say, I'm four.

So I've done... Oh, he nice to me. I'm only four. No, I'm just, oh, cutie. And Frances is six. She's six, but she's nearly seven and I'm four. It's crazy that we're traveling by us out. Well, anyway, I've decided to give you a compliment per episode

Oh my God, thank you. I also went to an old Roman fortress. Sorry, did you just open your cardigan at me? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I gave you one compliment and you started to undress. I was like, what's happening? What's happening?

I literally just had a therapy session about this. Which part? Taking compliments. And it wasn't supposed to be. Okay, tell me. Like, I basically, we were like, I was like, okay, I'll do one session when I'm on holiday. Yeah, well done.

I'm going to tell you why, but we'll go into this on the extras. Okay. I forgot to take my antidepressants with me. So she's not medicated, horse. I know, I know, I know. But we'll talk about that later. I'm actually very stressful.

I will say this, when I stop taking my medication by accident and it's only ever that I've run out of my prescription or if I've got to go somewhere, it makes me like crazy. Like, and so, so manic. I thought a stray street dog. And thought it was Diana.

You know what? I'm not a well. It makes sense now. I said I got spotted at the airport. God knows that there was someone else there. Who fucking knows. Me, just talking to a stranger being like, did you like life of the Apollo?

Hang on the airport, you should have only been without it for like half a day. Oh, hours. We're talking hours at this point. And I was already running around crying and pretext and run out cheese and tomato. Like, fucking mania.

What was the alternative? Did they have ham and cheese or something? Yeah, they probably did, but like it doesn't matter. No, no, you're right. There's no alternative. If I know what I wanted it and everyone's, And everyone's against me. I can't believe I brought this up.

So you're back on your men? Comes out. Songlasses don't fit my face. I'm not, but I'll tell you about that in a bit. Holy hell. I know it's been an absolute roller coaster. But I was on, so I was on holiday and I was like, oh, fuck it. I'll do a therapy session because I had to cancel one week before because I was flying on the same day I was.

And I was like, so we start the session, obviously, I'm tanned. I'm wearing a blue dress. Does Francis go out of the apartment while you do this? Yeah, of course. Yeah. No, no, but some people are like, I'll hang in the other room and you're like, absolutely. Oh, no, she went to an art museum. she's an artist a very good one

she is a very good artist she's been in the RA very talented oh my god very talented and her hair's so long go on I just remember I've got you gifts as well I can't really are they good are they good let me just tell you this therapy session yeah please so I was like

classic me therapy session it starts how are you amazing I'm on holiday I'm thriving if anything I don't feel anything apart from the fact I'm not on my meds and I went like and she went oh my gosh I really like your nails they really suit you with your dress, the little hint of blue in your, and I was like, thank you. And then we had to talk 50 minutes while I cried about how I can't take a compliment.

Oh, holy. Shall I share it? Sing, sing, sing. Shall I share a therapy story of my own? I don't know. Oh my God, I'm going to give you a gift. No. No fucking way.

Can we do the gifts in the extras? I've just realized we're marching towards our fantastic guests getting here. Oh my gosh. Of course again. Okay. Hang on. Patrians, you're going to lose your mind because I genuinely think I might have done an incredible job.

All I will say is taxidermy. Oh, my God. I'll say it again. Taxidermy. No, no, no. What a these. Can I also just take a sidebar to say, we've had so many nice messages.

I know I have on Instagram and on Patreon. And we've got almost, are we almost have 400 patrons? We're five away. We're five away. I just wanted to say thank you so much for supporting our Stubberlilil podcast because like it's starting to,

actually be sustainable, which is so exciting. We are, we're just so grateful to you for listening. And also, I get... Sustainable. I made money from it last month. You did? I made a profit. I did not, Andrew. That doesn't seem... I got the decimal wrong on my bank. No, but truly, we are so grateful. Thank you so much.

And honestly, I think, um, also people have been telling me... We're going to buy Lego lamb next year. No. And, um, I wouldn't even spend my money on Lego. My point is that people have sent really nice messages from all over the world. Did you get, um... All over the world. A really lush guy seen you a picture of a pig, he drew.

Yes. That's one of our new producers. Yes, he said he sent it to everyone. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. He said I can get a special request. And so I'm going to ask him to draw Mabel. You should get him to draw pancake for your sister. Oh my God.

Do you think he would? I think you should ask. Let's get an in memoriam because pancakes in her last week. Thank you, Oliver Jago. Thank you, Oliver Jago. Oh my God. Do you reckon he's related to Hills? I don't think that.

That's a very in comedy job. That's a very neat comedy. If anyone gets it, fucking 10, 10 holdpoint. Like, you win it. But also, I got a message from somebody about liar, liar, the Melissa Caddick story in Australia. I've already listened to it, is what I'm saying. The Jim Ferry film?

No, no, no, no, no. It's a podcast in Australia about a woman who scammed her entire family. And indeed, multiple clients of hers. But I have already listened to it. So please keep sending me your true crime recommendations because I don't want murder, but I do love scams. I love cults. Yeah, yeah.

I started to listen to this podcast. It's called Suffer the Children or Suffer the Little Children. Little, it's so, it's okay. And I'm off my mouth. Well, no. Okay. No, suffer the children. But it's got an entire series on Munchausen's by proxy.

You know I love Munchausen by proxy. Yeah, but actually I listened to it and that with that spirit of like, I'm so fascinating. And then I was like, fucking hell, this is harrowing. This is why over the last five years I have pitched to every producer. production company in the UK that will have me and Munchausen's by proxy sitcom where the mother convinces the daughter she's got loads of mental health problems that she doesn't have like she's constantly like you're depressed she's like no I'm fine interesting but what's

fascinating about it is that the the experts and the current psychology like all the research into it would suggest that it's not a mental illness but rather that there is a factitious disorder that is a mental illness but that Munchausen's by proxy is a definition of abuse this is not fun. But it is an abusive condition for shit. No, no, no, no, no, it's not a condition. It is, it is an act of, a description of a type of abuse. Like, um, okay, I don't have

any examples that aren't really dark. Yeah, they're all done. No, no, no, no, but my point is her podcast is really interesting and and, um, and you can check it out, but it's like, they talk about it in a real, really detailed way I've never heard it before. No way. Yeah, so you're welcome. Um, but if anybody has any more chipper, recommendations, send

in my way. Please. This is Sop 7. Welcome to our wonderful guest. It's Michelle Desward. Thank you so much to our producers and executive producers. Both Catherine and I have Hayfever, which Andrew doesn't think exists. So this is going to be the most snotty, disgusting thank you ever. That he's that we appreciate you.

Thank you to the producers. Kira Leach, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bich. Bold, Sadie Cashmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Joe Holmes. Next line. Victoria Hutchson, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Anthony Conway, Tim and Dom, Sarah Jark Deacon? Jacques Deacon? Jacques Deacon.

She knew? Yeah. I'm still on the breath. Sarah and Adam Oliver Jago. Next line. Claire Owen Joe's, Howard Van Dyke, David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R. Neil Redmond, Caitlin Lise and Sarah. I'm loving how many new people are on there.

Thank you so much, guys. Hi, welcome to the newbies. Hey. Welcome to the club. I love how you're, when you read the producers, I don't check to see if you've got them all and got it right. But I feel like I'm always like you are double checking. And thank you to our executive producers,

Simon Moore's Guy Goodman, Janina Batista and Mary Fox. Also, can we just really quickly Simon Moore shout out? Oh my God. Obviously, Catherine didn't meet Simon. But me and Andrew, I know you bet before, but like, not this time. Simon was, I mean, I shouldn't say I came, but like, fuck. I did. Me, I was wet.

Absolutely. I mean, I hugged him like three times unconsensually. That's amazing. He was like, no, no, no, no. And I was like, thank you, Simon. He bought us. Oh my God, I can't believe it. Basically a chocolate factory.

He, the man bought us 15, 15 Tony's chocolate only bars each. That came in a bag. Yeah. What? It was so heavy. What? Do we just deserve this? Thank you, Simon.

Thank you, Chucky porridge is back in full force. It's insane. So, near late three of them when I was away in Croatia. Three of your bars? Yeah. Full bars? Yeah. Oh, he can go.

He said he had people over, but I don't think he did. No, obviously not. It's fucking lies. We were saying earlier, once you've opened the bar, you're eating that. Oh, yeah, because it's not like Cadbury's. There's no squares. And these are mine. These are extra extras from Simon.

Honestly, Simon, it was so, so kind of you. It's so kind of you. So thank you so much. We're so grateful. And I really. really really really really don't think we deserve them but i'm very grateful we do we do and i fucking love you for it thank you so much thank you simon thank you simon honestly so so kind i just i couldn't believe it yeah what a great guy she's very emotional thank you

thank you hi welcome how are you i love you trying to put them on and just giving up on yourself. Well, if you like I'm wearing them. No, we're not wearing them. Also, you have your cute little plaids. Don't ruin them with your, with the lovely, they're so cute. We don't volume regulate.

Andrew does it for us. Oh yeah. So basically over the episode, it turns us down to nothing. I'm so sorry Andrew because I'm at like the last stage of a locket. So. That's right. Oh, the sweet. The sweet.

I was like, what the fuck's a locket? For me, they're those things that you put photos of dead people in. Yes. Or lockets of hair. Yeah, oh God. Is that all a lock of hair? Oh. I've got so many locks of hair.

Yeah, creepy. Yeah, that feels like the kind of thing an Irish granny would do. Just to be like, oh yeah, keeping the first curl, that's the massive thing. Oh, what's wrong with people? Why, why? Hello, welcome.

Hi. We're so excited to have you. I'm so excited to be here. Just tell me more about yesterday. You said yes to a camping festival. You're an idiot. I love you and I respect you. I say yes to some shit,

but that's fucking dumb. Sometimes I get, like, do you know what gigs I love doing? Yeah? Because my booking agent's always like, you say yes to the weirdest things. And like I love the mother and baby gigs. Yeah, I guess that's so nice because they're in the middle of the day. Yeah.

Moms are just, it's like they're probably their first day out. Mums or dads are just care gifts. Their first day out with a newborn. Don't mind. It's just moms. They're getting lashed. They're breastfeeding. They're having the best time.

It's always somewhere ridiculous. Like, come to Penge. Do you know what I mean? I love it when it's in Penge. So I live quite close to Penn. Do you? Yeah. I was being sarcasticity.

One, seven, six, straight to Penn. But there is a bit. There is a mother and baby one in Penda, it's actually really good, but it's a mission, right? Yeah. So, keeping with the theme of saying yes, to random gig sometime, this propped up, and they was like, Amish, do you want to do this gig?

They're big fans, oh, obviously already, I was like, me. Yeah. I'm feeling myself out. What did you say? If you're listening, Michelle is tweaking her own teddy. Yes, yes, yes. And she goes, oh, it looks really random.

It's called quirky campers. No. And I had a look. No. And it's people that come with their own sort of small living situation on wills. No, that's psychopath. Borky camper sound like nudist. They sound like nudist.

Yeah. And I looked at it and I thought, fucking hell that looks random. Go on then. No. I said, go on then. Yeah, she goes, she goes, 30 to 40 minutes of stand up. No. You'll be the only comic.

No. No. No. Closing the weekend. No. I said, if we can do it as 30, we've got a deal. They're going to be pulling out of their camp. Their campgrounds are all going to be reversing out while you close the evening.

And they're like, we're out. What? No. So I completely forgot about it as you do. And then this weekend, so I've just started getting on top of my diary, right? Because where things are getting busy, what I normally do is just do all my gigs myself. But now I'm actually like, I keep on messing things up.

So I'm like, I actually have to start doing things through my agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just so I could be on top of my diary. Because what I normally happen. this is how I do my diary. I wake up, I go through my day and then if there's like a feeling of dread that washes over me, that's my

indication that I might have something to do. Do you know what I mean? I had that this morning. I've got to do an interview for Reader's Digest this afternoon. I thought it was just a chat and they were like eight rules of what you would do in a new world. And I'm like, what the fuck? No idea. First of all, did not know that the Reader's digest

still existed. Second of all, this is not a good system. No, it's not sustainable which is why I'm done with this system. Good. Or if you get too worried, fake your own death. Right. But this, oh, that's nice.

Yeah, yeah. Everything gets blanked out. You can start fresh. No, you need a PA or an agent. Well, do you know what? I've only just learned how to open up Google calendars. Excuse me?

Yeah. Andrew, I hate this. There's two of them. I hate it. I have a Google calendar. Blue is for work. Red is for fun. I've had Google calendars, obviously.

But my, one of my agent's assistance was like Michelle are you not like are you not looking at Google calendars I was like no I've never opened it and she's just like how are you that makes me feel physically sick and I was just like I just wait for the first froze of a panic attack and I'm like I feel like iconic I feel like I've got something on fun day I go through my diary for the week each night before I wake up I have a little luck at tomorrow yeah I'm just gonna plan in when you're gonna do Catherine and Andrew we're just talking about doing four hours of admin a day for fun

Like, they're at a different level. So guess what? Now I've had to look at this Google calendar, absolute game changer. You know, everything that I'm doing. You know, that's what it's for. Yeah, it's really good, isn't it? Have I had anyone explain a calendar?

Please tell me what... Oh my God. I'm so stressed for you. But now you can see it all. Can you see the things coming up? You're like, what... I'm doing one in a Henley festival. They're not going to like me in Henley.

You guys have got to stop agreeing with this show. They probably will. No, but come on, man. How was the camping? Do you know what? It was all right. So basically, you don't lie to me,

Friday, I was like, oh, I think, have I got something on this weekend? I'm going to go on. And then I was like, I've got to get on top of this, this calendar thing. And I was like,

holy shit, it's this weekend. Yeah. And then I was like, when am I on? They said, nine o'clock at night on a Sunday. I said, when's the last train?

They were like, train. There's no train, babe. There's no train. It's camping. It's camping, mate. And I was like, I can't drive. They were like,

I'm not sure if you might be able to get a cab. So then I was like, I'm getting a headache. I'm getting a headache. I called Darius Davis and I was like, Darius, what do I do? And he goes, what you need to do is get a comic, yeah, who will open for you, give him some of your money and they'll drive you there.

And I was like, no, and he went, I don't, oh, me. I was like, oh, me and Darius went down there. You conned Darius, is what you're saying? You were like, oh, Darius, what do I do? I was like, who will I give my money to? Oh, no. Do you know what? I genuinely was like,

what do I do about this? Yeah, I was like, what do I do about this? And, yeah, so luckily we went there, but as we turned up, he went, oh, God. He said, so there's one stage. He said, okay, let's walk around. Rocky mistake, mate.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Do you know what I mean? Thank you. She fucked up. Katz my phone went off and everyone didn't hear it. I had not live. So I would hear Michelle what she got here.

I am sorry. Excuse me. Are you schooling me about how I saw out the admin of my life? That's how it feels, Michelle. And you haven't even got your own phone on silent. That's how it feels, Michelle. I'm sorry, Michelle. You're so right.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about having my phone online, but also everything you've said so far has given me hands. Yeah, no, I genuinely hated. My back is so tense. You've gone redder. I just constantly wear sun cream. My question, is this how you stay looking so young?

You just don't worry about your life in any way, shape or form. No, Botox, but that's well, yeah. Okay, because honestly, how do you look so young? Are we talking, like, three spots? Bose, I've been getting Botox since, like, before I turned 30. I just started getting it at 33. Yeah.

Thank you for admitting that. Why not? Because people don't. Yeah, but there's no point in lying. It's like, do you know how much I used to party my ass off? It's not. Do you go one, two, three or just the two? Mate, Botox.

Yeah, no, but where? The whole face. Everywhere. Where else? Well, look. It depends. It depends who you go to, right? So I was very, because I used to be a model in my 20s,

I got sent by my agency. It wasn't like, oh yeah, they were like, we've all had a meeting. They were like, come in on a Monday. I went in. Michelle, fuck on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was a big, you know, sniff head then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I turned up on the Monday, there was like, we've all had a meeting. I was like, oh yeah. And they were like, yeah. So we've noticed some lines. We've made an appointment at the dermatologist. She's amazing.

and I was like, I was horrified for about a second but then Vanity won the race and I was like, really? How am it's an issue? Hang on a second. So you had evidently got a drug problem and your agency were like, we need to do an agent? No, no, no. I wasn't, I didn't. I didn't actually. Also, Coke for models is like a thing, isn't it? It's sort of like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But my point was more like you didn't have a drug problem. Sorry, that was, we can take that out. My point is your agents were like, let's have an intervention, but it's not about the Coke. It's about the lines on your forehead.

Yeah, basically. But you know what? Actually, back then, I would say, I know, you don't have to take it out. I would say I was like, I was a party girl, but I wasn't like a, oh my God, I can't get up without back. Pretty much every weekend, I was, you know. No, no, listen. I was on the sniff.

I mean, you look fucking harsh. You look amazing. Can you imagine if it was that and not the Botox? Yeah. But I was like, let me tell you about New York City in the noughties. You were in New York modeling. You're so cool. Thanks.

So hang on. My question is still, where are we get, where is the Botox going? Okay, so this is what I was going to say. I've been getting Botox since I was about 27, 28. Shit. But I've been always going to someone really good. Then I came back here and started acting for like the last three years. Yeah.

And couldn't do any Botox. Why? Because you've got to be able to move your face. I'm not that good an actor. Okay. And it's important. I'm not so vain that I would be like, my personal preference is I would rather not be able to express myself using my face.

But I understand as a. job if you're acting people need to understand what feeling you're having yeah yeah it's good to be able to express some emotion yeah and um and it's the last job i was doing um my character was like really stressed out in the baby yeah yeah michelle has a lead in the show on hbo oh my god you're so cool it's so cool i mean she doesn't have a fucking diary but she's a famous person so i guess the secret is coke botox and don't look at your diary yeah yeah exactly so um so yeah she's stressed she is very stressed that character. Yeah, she's really stressed out. And so for filming all of

that, I didn't get any Botox. And then when I did a Catherine Ryan's show as well... Oh, the Duchess! So I've had big periods where I'm like, okay, I'm not going to do it, but recently I was just like, you know what? I'm ready now. I'm going to a camping festival

and I want to look fucking great. Yeah. I'm going. Quirky campers. Quarky campers deserve me at my most unlined. Okay, and that's what they're getting. Helen's the kind of person who would get Botox at quirky campers. No research whatsoever. Just fucking let, honestly, I have a horrible feeling.

So I've never had any cosmetic surgery procedure, but I just know when I do it's going to be fucking mental. So I reckon I'll go tits first. Oh, really? Yeah, that would be my angle. You've got amazing tit. Yeah, I'm a, I'm a J. Wow.

So I've got me, but I'd like a lift. So I reckon, but instead of just doing like a subtle one, I'll end up being like, let's go all the way up. up and watch it slowly go down. So I'll just be walking around like this. You know, I've never had surgery, but I will. Yeah, what do you reckon you'll do though? I reckon I'll get a facelift.

Face, yeah, yeah. You don't need that in any way, shape or form yet. No, but I will at some point. Yeah, same. Yeah, same. There's so many things I'd like to have. Like, I'd love to have an outy belly button for a while just to see what that looks like.

That's not where you should spend your money. I'm very curious. But I just worry that, like, I'm the sort of person that would end up being like, oh man I want a lizard tongue you know like honestly of all the people I talk to about this I don't think you're my person

just by what you're saying so far we don't know we definitely did not line up from next surgery wise you're talking an outy belly button and you're like a lizard tongue and I'm talking about looking 18 forever yeah we are not we are not on the same page but I was not a fit 18 year old

so I don't know why I'd want to be 18 forever I think that's what it is but I okay so my question still I'm still on this. I think you should just put a jelly tot in there. That'll do it. For your belly button. Oh, yeah.

It's very sweaty though. Doesn't that happen when you get like in the last trimester? But that feels like such a commitment to try and have an outy for a little bit by having a baby. I just think jelly top stick it in there. That feels like less. That feels more responsible for you. But are we going one, two, three? Oh, right.

Okay. So we're back to both. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know exactly what you've done. Did you just have it? No, it's wearing off, but I need to go back again. But I've only ever had the middle of my eyebrows.

Right. just up here so I still had a bit of movement okay well that's good then I'm thinking of going back and being like freeze my baby no you always want to be able to move your face a bit like I always make sure I can like at least raise them a bit yeah yeah yeah I don't want to frown I'm like that's all right I'm fine it's a bit slightly overrated but I've not done the sides have you done the sides the eyes yeah yeah yeah yeah so good the thing is I want to I want to be against it in my heart I want to be against why though look so good no it depends it's also about preference right so me personally I don't like a some people like

a really frozen look yeah I don't like that and because of that I pay probably more than the average person because I want someone who's got good penmanship yeah yeah yeah otherwise you end up looking a bit mental yeah you want your face that mental looks looks so good on people Joan Rivers come on I know I know I know I did him I will say this I got my first Botox when I had a fringe because I was like I'm just gonna practice I'm gonna see well no one can see I'm gonna have a little luck and then I was like okay this is fun but I want to try profilo anyway oh I've had that any good yeah it's good sorry I'm just on wait what's prophylo again you said it's where they put hyluronic acid

under your skin that's it that's it that's it is this relatable content all right so let me talk about profiler please tell me better because I've had I think I've had like four lots of profiler okay it only lasts for a couple of weeks what it doesn't last but like they make it sound like basically your skin will look dewy and amazing for two weeks but basically you spending 350 pound for two weeks And then you have some drinks, drink some coffee, smoke some fags, it's gone. I don't smoke fags, though.

Can I get five weeks? Well, I just think, like, if you've got an event, like, let's say if you had a red carpet event or something, where I want to get laid? Maybe not laid. Not worth it for getting, you can get laid either way. Fine, you're right. I would just say if you had something really,

or like, I was getting profiler when I was filming because I couldn't get anything else done. Nice. So I'd get profilero because I was like, well, at least something's happening. underneath your skin. They do it in five points on your face. Also, when you first get it done,

it's not like, so it's just like here, here, like on the temples, the jaw, you know, the sort of cheek, the lower cheek, whatever.

And you can really see it for 24 hours. Okay, I love that. I'm now just treating you like a doctor. What can I do about under eye? Filler. But you've got to go to someone really good. Filler scares me.

Yeah. What do you have done with your under eye? I just don't want it to go in, But then I'm like, but I don't want feel like to end up behind my eyeballs, what happens to people. Yeah, filling my greats. Oh, yeah, I'm going to go now with that.

I think I'll just deal. I'll just deal. I'll just look tired. I'll wear sunglasses. Yeah, just, it's also sometimes you just got to be like, oh, this is my face, isn't it? Why? You know what I mean?

Like, no, because I... Why? I realized, I got to a point, especially when I was filming, I was looking at my face and also they put makeup on to make me look extra rough. And I was like, oh, God. And then I thought,

but also, Michelle, you've got this weird, warped idea of what you think you look like because you've been doing all of these little tweakments to stop yourself ageing. So any line that comes up on your face, you're like, oh my God and actually like, yeah, that's

just time. You've just been on the planet for ages and here it is. It's true, but it is quite hard in our job because you have to look at yourself so much more than you would ordinarily, I think. Yeah, maybe. And also, whenever they catch us on stage, we're always looking at... Why do they do that? Why is every

photo from underneath? Because we're talking as well like every shot as if you talks about it's never good it's fucking tedious anyway you're so right but it's about balance i suppose but i also am a big fan of modern science and i'm gonna keep taking advantage of it you can get anything done you can look like a cat these days you can get like massive pouches put in and whiskers and stuff like you can do anything food in anything you want if i wanted to be a hamster i could be within two weeks if i really focused on enough money and i think that's an incredible world to live in it is a very exciting I could breathe underwater.

A very exciting time. And I see that as a positive. I just love it with all this. You were just like, yeah, I want to get a lizard's tongue and an outy belly button. And a hamster cheek. And a hamster cheek. And tits really high up so my head.

I don't have to use my neck anymore. Nice, yes, yes. Like a rough of my own breast. Oh my God. And you know what? I actually really appreciate you being honest because people lie about it all the time and then you're like, you feel gaslit

because you're like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah. And I kind of feel like as a woman, as you get to a certain age, I understand when younger women do it, you know, if they're in their 20s and stuff. I'm 41. I'm just like, I feel like as you get older, you feel a bit more comfortable

with who you are and the decisions you make. Although obviously the contradiction is that you're doing things to sort of like, you know, try to make yourself look slightly different or whatever. But it all comes down to the fact it's your body, it's your face, do what you want with it. Like it's not affecting anyone apart from you

so you want. Also, there's this weird, like, dichotomy where people are like yeah dye your hair by all means put on makeup by all means get fake lashes that's fine but then if you get Botox it's like oh no that's that's too far and you're like I don't know where the rules

are what you'll find here because you've just had it and you just started doing it when you're honest with people everyone will start telling you they've had it done it's really weird it's like I've had it done Catherine but that's like but that's the same as when you start fucking women

and you start telling people I'm by they're like, I have had sex with a woman also and you're like, oh my God, I did not expect me out. I'm going to start telling people I'm by. I want to know, I want to know. People will be like, everyone's like, well, in college, I guess it's the same with Botox. I just presume everyone's slept with a woman

unless they tell me they haven't. I haven't. Yes, live in the world you want to live in, Michelle. I love that for us. For real, though. I've only got a few friends where I'm like, oh, no, they're definitely straight. Like, as in they've never even kissed a weird.

Oh, no, I've made out with the women. That's see? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never sat for a woman. I mean, have you kissed a woman? Yeah, I've kissed a woman. But you are the straightest person I know. Right.

Thank you. And even she's kissed a woman. Even she's kissed a woman. Yeah, that's true. Several times. Several times. Several times. Which ones?

And then, oh, my first kiss was Torrey Rackcliffe. Who's that? And then a friend from school. Out in her. And then over the years, she fucking loves it. And then over the years, just different women at parties. Because at first I thought, like, guys fucking love this. And then I was like, no, I do, actually.

Very central, very careful. Very careful. Plus who doesn't love a smooch? Listen, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Do you don't make out now? No. No, meaning that I was just joking.

It was a joke. I was joking. Obviously, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck this noise, okay. Michelle, how long have you been doing stand of comedy? About 11 years? Fucking hell. Yeah.

What do you think has changed most in the time? Ooh. Oh my god, that's still like a proper question. That's a proper question. Where did that come from? Because I've been watching, have you watched hacks? Not. I've been watching hacks

and it's so, it's like a fascinating insight to stand-up comedy in the States I suppose but it's like made me think a lot about how far we've come for, like in part for women but also just in comedy they talk about like the differences of joke writing like at a certain period and now and they have this sort of conversation

about what is funny and what isn't and where the line is. But I'm just wondering what for you has changed the most. I guess I... And it can just be for you. Yeah, I've done most of my comedy career in New York so because that's where I lived until three years. years ago so cool so it's for me it's been quite it's more the difference between statesides and

here yeah what i think is probably something that is or that i've learned in my time doing stand-up is to lean into who you are your opinions and your views as opposed to what you think the political climate is and what you think's hip right now i i think if you can kind of stay firm in Your sense of identity and how you see the world. You'll kind of be all right. But I did that last night and I opened with 10 minutes about as being a paedophile. So, like, we all make our own choices of life.

Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, you cannot use it. Let's stop having off the record conversations over microphones. It's not a good look for any of us. Let's get a back on the record. Also, I love that we went to gossip when I asked Michelle a proper question. So, yes, that's a really good lesson from Stan. stand up also. If anyone who doesn't know,

we just have to cut a massive bit because we call into an allegedly conversation. We did. We did. We did. But Hacks, I haven't seen it, but I do want to watch it.

Have you seen hacks? No. It's also like one of those shows where it's also incidentally queer in a great way where like, not so the characters are, but it's not like their defining feature, which is exciting.

Yeah, I think probably in the past, and I'm just going to go as a viewer of comedy when I was younger, is that like, you know, women had to talk about women's staff and black people had to talk about black stuff and gay people had to talk about gay staff and white men got to talk about everything. And now what we are finding is that,

and it's really nice that people don't have to lead with that. They don't have to lead with their sexuality or their race or their gender, but they can speak about it, of course, because it's their experience and that's their view on the world but it's not a thing that you have to kind of base your whole comedic persona around

So my experience is that like white guys can have the privilege they have still in comedy as an art form is that they represent just themselves whereas vice is something like oh I do this then I'm representing all women right and I'm not

I don't want to fucking represent that whore You do not represent me, right? She does not, we just not represent me. Also what I've sort of seen in comedy, especially the last few years, is where there's like a few disgruntled white straight men where if you speak of, just a garnish. And what I noticed that.

A peppering of fucked off white men. But if you do speak about like your race or your gender or your sexual preference or whatever, they're like, oh, you're doing that. And it's like, this isn't shtick. Yeah, it's my life. You know, I once heard three white guys talking and they were like, oh, be easier just to be gay,

get on TV. And I was like, oh my God. I used to end to joke. I used to end my set with talking about going on a car trip in Pennsylvania and these comics are in the front going like, oh, it's all right for you, Michelle, you buy, you're Jewish, you're black, you're a woman. And I was like, oh, really?

there was like, you know, I got worked twice as hard at the moment. And I was like, oh, do you know what you could do if you're having a hard job in comedy being a straight white man? Any other fucking job, maybe? Yeah. Especially any other fucking job. What's amazing as well with these guys, before it's turns into a full roast

of them, is that they always, whenever they're not being successful, it's always because they're a white man, it's never because they're not funny. None of them have ever questioned if they're funny enough on stage. Right, but what's funny is that if any of us was to spend all of our time going, I didn't get this job because I'm a black woman.

I didn't get this job because I'm a gay woman. I didn't get this job because I'm a woman. Everyone would be, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How dare you? Are you just working as hard? Does everyone else? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was seeing this little backlash. Like, I got accused by a comic, um, uh, uh, oh my God, I hate him. Does he count as a comedian? No, he doesn't. Started writing for other comics about that sort of bit that I just did saying that I was being racist. And I was like, I don't think you understand

the meaning of the words. And like, oh my God. Yeah, it was telling other comics. Like, writing to them. And then I've, wow. Can you remind me to say something once I'm finished recording? Right in about it. And so I've confronted him and I said,

why wouldn't you just say something to me? And he goes, well, I think it's outrageous that you used to be a model and now you're doing stand-up and you're bitching about white guys. I said, I'm not bitching about white guys. So what does that have to do with being a model? I know. It's just like. I just think it's really unfair that you get to be fit and make a good point because it doesn't

seem right that you can be a beautiful woman and also have opinions about me and that just feels like pick one. And do you know what I'd like to just kind of top it off with and guess what I'm still not going to fuck ya. See you later me. Bye. Bye. Thanks for the next. Peace out. Yeah. But also like part

of me is like it's tedious that they don't understand the complexities here but it's also part of me is also like it's thrilling that just by existing we bother them. I mean whatever. Do you know what? I couldn't I'm just like I don't care. Yeah. Fuck off. I don't care. Oh, I care so much. I love watching it. My favorite is watching guys get their first

rejection at the age of 30. Because like the whole life it's been like, yes, you can do anything, you can do whatever you want, you're a star, you're a prince. And then they don't get on like, I don't know, so you think you're funny semifinal. Or mock the week. Or mock the week and they get their first no of their entire lifetime but in their 30s and they're like, no! Like I know I shouldn't, but like, oh, it's so funny. Does it bring you joy? Yes, you kidding. Them getting their first no and trying to figure out that the world's not built for them. Oh.

The thing is though, like the more, the more, they start panicking and rocking. I'm like, e- so cute. I want to, like, you know, revel in the sweet, salty tears of white men as much as you. But what I've kind of started

to be a bit more aware of as just the different levels of privilege, right? So, like, I have a certain amount of privilege, right? And then when I get checked on it, I'm like, fuck, okay. And that's not to say that I'm going to be sympathetic towards these guys, especially not these white guys, because I'm like, your time has come, my friend.

Your time has come. Do you know what I mean? But I think with that, I don't want it. There's been a few times where I've realized I need to update some of my views. And if I get too excited about and distracted with pointing my finger at these guys, then also what I'm not doing is like checking myself a bit as well about things.

I get what you're saying. But fuck you. Are you at Edinburgh Fringe this year? Are you at Edinburgh Fringe this year? All right. I am going to Instagram lock. There we go. We're going to a so you think you're funny, semi-final.

No, stop it. Okay. And you will watch about three guys not get through. Genuinely, because they're new as subjective, it's tricky. And you were going to watch them sitting, trying to network, but being like, just tell me why I'm not good enough. I know I am. And you will love it.

I don't care with them because they're babies. For me, it's my actual bother. I don't really mind. It's all very confusing. You have to have a level of confidence to get into comedy, whatever. Oh, no,

I love the babies in the competition. But I think my bigger issue for me is when like people don't get on television and then are like, it's because I'm a white dude and it's like there's so many white men on television. Like factually, there's so many more of them and so many of them that it's like,

that's real willful blindness to the fact they might. But don't you feel like it is the hardest time? to be not it's not it's the hardest time for them technically yes that's what I'm saying is like now what they're being expected of them is that they be some of the best white dudes and they net before it was just they just had to be a dude

but now they have to and they're expected to work almost as hard as some other groups and that's what it is you're not working twice as hard you're working just as hard that's all it's happening yeah it's level I think in in some people's minds like equality seems like you're going to get less of something

think. Because I mean, if you've had, if the playing field has always been even for you, when someone else comes on it, you think, I've got less space for me now. And it's like, no, that's not how equality works. So I have the white male experience 100% at school. I was six foot by the time I was in year eight. Please be respectful. But I wasn't very fit.

But I was in the netball team. No trial. Goalkeeper. Okay. There were girls that worked hard for it. They went to the tryouts. They were all posing for centre with their little skirts, chest passing, chest passing.

I could have done it, but I couldn't. My tits are too big. I can't chess pass, okay? Not on me, just the way I was born. Fucking racked from the age of two, just the baby with a fucking crack and set. I was on the team, and I didn't work hard for it. And I was aware of that privilege

until I got kicked off for being, quote, quote, aggressive. But I get it, because I didn't deserve it. And then I think there's guys that sort of like get a lot, very early on in life and then because they're so used to getting it, they believe, because we all believe to a certain extent when we're younger

that if you work hard, you you, you, was it, reap what you sow? The world isn't fair, sorry. But that's the thing, Ameritocrinian works with all other things being equal. That's never going to happen. But it's just the lack of awareness that I see in general, in dudes and some of my fellow

white middle class heterosexual ladies we're fucking queens we're not but we fucking love ourselves white women we are just as bad often yeah I mean and do you know what there's certain I'm as like personally when I see white women get really fucking whipped up and excited

about white men I think you're next bit I know that's our great Bill Burbitt which is like yeah you're in the hot tub next to us I just enjoy point in the finger because you're up next my new show I've got a whole bit

you're up next yeah Michelle we're next I think we are next and we should be next I guess what we're talking well you're after Helen don't worry yeah yeah yeah I guess what we're talking about I'm no I'm middle class and straight as fuck I'm like it's fucking coming for me

yeah yeah okay cool I'm so ready for it what a beautiful benefit of eating pussy no the best thing about It's great for the skin. Yes. You're getting the finger pointed, which is a pun in itself. Right?

Yeah, I'm going down and I'm going down fucking fast. I cannot wait. I'm just going to immediately join all the other baby boys and be like, it's unfair! I'm going to fucking start a new podcast called, I don't know, White Bauer. My surname's Bauer. That feels right for me.

I thought that was going to be our Edinburgh shows. I know. That was going to be so good. White Bauer. Come on. Yeah, I was going to call it that, but I'm performing in the bunk. and if it feels wrong.

Are you going up to do the fringe? Yes. Are you going up as well? Are you going up for the full month? Yes. Oh God. I know. We haven't yet got the job that means

every comic's just waiting for that one job that means they don't have to go to the fridge. Yeah, but it's good. Yeah, it's exciting. I'm happy I'm going to go up this year for like a week. Hey, great. Come hang out. I'm happy that I don't have to.

I've always kind of approached the fringe without much planning and for, by the end of the month I have a show. That feels right for you. When is it? August? July 31st, Michelle's like, is there something I'm supposed to do for the next month? It's funny, I was reminded Darrius Davis because he said that he was doing a work in progress.

And I said, this is really good for you. You're like way ahead of the game. And he said, yeah, normally I'd wait for July. And I said, I said, Daris, do you remember a few years ago and I was doing a show that was at like 1am in the news cafe or stuff? I got the worst. Oh, my God. I remember that on the end of the bridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the one that's next to the, is it monkey barrel? Oh, City Cafe. City Cafe. Yeah, yeah. That's the newsroom. That's the worst time slot, right? And I remember I just come from New York and I sat at the cafe with Darius and I was like,

I've made the poster. I've done everything, but he was like, what's it about? And I was like, I don't. Next question, please, Darius. I sat there and he just looked at me like, he looked at me like, he looked, He looked like you and I was telling you about the diary. Yeah, he was just like, are you serious? And I was just like scribbling out notes.

It gives me panically going, well, it's in a couple of hours. And I guess like, it's an hour of talking. And like, it's just like loads of different sets, isn't it? As one. And he was like, I need to leave. Oh my God. And how did it go? It went really well, actually.

What? Yeah. I mean, I mean, it went well for me. Nothing happened. Oh, okay. You're pissing off, Catherine. You are pissing her off. I do. No, it just, I want to, like, I want to.

to manage your life, I want to like be like a 1970s wife to you. Like I like, oh my, I'm very stressed. Yeah, I'm very strict. I've got a nice agent now and I know. You're doing what you're doing. It's working, babe. You're fine. No, calendar.

Calendar. Yeah. Oh my fucking God. Google Maps is good as well though. You know what street you're on. You know if a street is good. I hate this. Wow.

Okay, well, thank you for giving me anxiety. Have you got more freckles out of stress? Yeah. I got like five more freckles. It manifests in melanin. I'm like, oh my God, what is going on? I really enjoyed this. Oh, is that it?

Oh, lovely. Yeah, you're being sent away now. She is, before she starts actual panic attack and you are being sent away. Before I start making spreadsheets on your behalf. What would you like to promote? You're doing, you have a TV show coming in. Yeah. So it's out in America now.

It's called The Baby. it's on HBO but in England it will be on Sky starting from the 7th of July it's about my character Natasha ends up with a baby that she doesn't really want

and every time she tries to get rid of it bad things happen and it's Is it a pro-life? No I mean It sounds like a pro-life campaign No I think you'll really like it It's very queer

It's very female-led It's a dark comedy horror So all my kind of favorite genre is in one. And Natasha, the character that I play is kind of like, she's a bit of a dick, but quite endearing and charismatic. I got a cousin called Natasha. Do you? Oh, nice.

And then I'll be on a backstage with Catherine Ryan. That comes out on Amazon. You're doing stand-up on that? Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll be that and then I'll be doing some festivals doing stand-up and stuff.

But she may not show up on the right day and she can't guarantee you she won't cancel. if there's no train. And to be honest with you, she's giving half a fee away to the guy who's opening for her. So it'd be nice to her if you see her because she's done a lot to get there.

She's probably had an anxiety attack that morning because she didn't really remember what's happening. I'm pretty good. I don't normally cancel, but I will get there with like looking like a mentally. You're doing the Lighting Festival. What's that one called? Oh, is it?

Lighten, something about lighting. What? No, maybe I've made it up. Well, yeah. Why would you add this straight? I don't know. I don't know. You probably will be there. Probably.

Probably. Thank you so much for coming on. Where can people follow you? You can follow me on Instagram, which is Michelle DeS-W-L-E-E-D-E-S-W-A-R-T-E. Tag Michelle and everything. Yeah, obviously. She's the hottest guest we've ever had. Come on.

Oh, my God. Tell me I'm wrong. Yeah, the rest of them I've been fucking slutpnex. Thank you, so much for being here. Thank you very much for having you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm going to be able to be.