Trusty Hogs - Ep34. ABIGOLIAH SCHAMAUN / Pensions, Powerade & Piercings

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Abigoliah Schamaun joins the Hogs this week with some of the best celebrity anecdotes on the show to date, as well as some brilliant insight, and very funny stories...Follow Abigoliah @abigoliah on all socials and check out her new podcast with Joe Wells, Neurodivergent Moments.Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie TonnerPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes / Caitlyn Lyth / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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And welcome to Trustee Hogg. Episode 34. Oh my God, do you remember the number? Shut up. I'm so proud of you. Okay, thank you. I do like you today. It's weird, Helen.

Really? Yeah, I really like you. You know, do you ever think, I suppose one in every like 100 days, women must look across at their sort of errant husband and think, ah, he's a gobshite, but he's my gobshite. And today I just feel that way about you. I feel that from you this morning when we're having a coffee. I felt like you were playful.

I'd let you have a little leg over. Like, I really would. You know, like it's your birthday kind of thing, but it's not. Oh my God. Everyone, welcome to episode 30. We're just going to get into it. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs.

Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs.

Trust the trusty hogs. Or maybe not. Hi, it's dressed me hugs. What do you think it is? Is it because I've like won a nice dress? It is. I was thinking that. I was like, it's weird that during this podcast you've increasingly dressed up more nicely and put

on makeup and I have increasingly stopped washing my hair and stopped wearing makeup. It's awful. I've like stopped showering for this. It's disgusting. What does it mean? What does it mean? But yeah, maybe suddenly I'm like, she is clean and gorgeous. No, I just like yeah.

I love you. I saw you do comedy last night. You're very good at your job. It kind of gets me going. I felt like last night I had a breakdown on stage. Maybe I loved that. Maybe you were vulnerable and I loved it. I was very vulnerable.

I was, because I was doing that thing where I've got to relearn old material, but I wanted it to look like new material. But it automatically looked like new material because I didn't know it anymore. But then I realized that this bit of material is like, it's from when I was like so stable on my meds and I knew what I was doing in my life. That didn't come across. Really? I felt like everyone thought I'd lost it.

And then because I thought it was a cream show. Then you were filming. No, I meant it didn't come across that you had written it when stable. Wow. But I love you and I like it. I'm so happy. Hi, welcome to Trustee Hoggs. This is the podcast where we talk about, frankly, our perfect lives.

I know it's crazy. I'm not washing more than once a week. And then we talk about your problems. We help you with those. And then we have a guest in. Who's our guest today, Ellen? Abagelaya. Oh, she's good.

She's good. And also the only person that I wear a prom dress on stage and it feels like it makes sense. Like, if I wore it, you'd be like, Get her some more sartraline. When she wears it, it's like fun. You're like, yeah, she was cooking. What do you want? Yeah, you're like, would you want her to change?

I wanted to talk about our failures this week, though, because... No, thank you. I had a big one. I feel like you always talk about my failures. Okay, but I had a really good failure. Okay, go on. Okay. Just in case anyone heard it, I am aware how my appearance live on BBC Radio Shropshire came across.

Excuse me what? It was just like... You know when you have... A, no one heard it. B, do telephone. I think anyone heard it, because maybe I should address this, and I was like, no one's heard this. Right.

So you know when you have like an interview in, but like BBC radio, blah, blah, blah, usually it's pre-recorded and they just play it later in the day, right? Often it's live. It was live. Oh, no. No one told me it was live. Didn't they say, hang on there, Helen, we'll get you on the moment? They did.

And that's when I clicked, but I was already outside. I had hay fever. My throat was scratching. No. And I was like, eh, and Soneil was inside. And I was like, I'll be down in like five minutes. They started and they went, anyway, we're back with Helen Barron a minute. it to play a game.

And the only reason they had to do that is because they were asking me about comedy and like, what's it like to be a comedian? What a heckles like? And I breathed down the wrong hole. Oh, God. And I started choking on my own fear. On BBC Radio Shropshire.

How often does a gal get to go on BBC Radio Shropshire? Do you know what, though? Sometimes the biggest thing, the worst thing that can happen on live things or anything is that you're not yourself. And no one can say you weren't authentic while you choked on your own snod. Breathe. And then they were like, oh, we'll cut to a song. They cut to happy by Farrell Williams when I wasn't happy. And then I had to play a guessing game and I wasn't very good at it. And it was just...

That sounds incredibly stressful. Yeah. But at least maybe now Andrew believes in hay fever. Nope, still skeptical. Wow. And my neighbours were mowing the lawn. So it was just like grass everywhere. And I was like... But that's like a visual stimulant. That's like a, you know, a placebo kind of thing. No, Andrew, fuck off. We've even had people comment saying Hey, fever is real. I can't believe you're still...

I have a prescription antihistamine. A prescription. That's how bad mine is. Wow, you're really going to drain the NHS for a fake for a fake illness. I pay for my prescription. Wow, okay. Yeah, no, I know, but it's still okay. I mentioned it amongst four of the things in one appointment. I don't drain. I'm very concise.

I bet you're the most efficient doctor's appointment of all time. Yeah, I brought in my list. Let's go, sir. Do you do a list as well, Andrew, when you go in? I don't go in. For fuck, say You never go to the doctors? No, I won't once Well, let's not get into that

No, I've not I'm going to join on the NHS This is from a man Who wants to take off his ouchy braces Even though he's often free from the NHS How fucking dare you I am not doing this with you Helen, we have news

Is it about your ear? Oh no, it's not about my ear But I did get my ear pierced So exciting, piercing number 10 I'm so excited It's like what number does it become bisexual Like at what? I think like two piercings is just like straight as fuck right yeah yeah yeah and then you add on and then there's like obviously like pure straight girl piercings like a belly button piercing is a cry for dick it's not a cry for anything else sure it's like it's just down there it's like an arrow yeah no I think the chain made a pretty bisexual I add to the chain but I think this yeah I think I'm there I mean I have a little stack anyway I'm obsessed and I love them and I love getting it done and every single time I'm like it's for my holy communion every single time I'm just like any minute now I'll be all

off to the church. It's so exciting. I get my confessions ready while I sit there. It's so exciting. Can I be your patron saint? No. You have to perform miracles and I think be virginal. I just don't think it's for you. I'm virginal as fuck. Yeah, could it grow back, I suppose so. Anything can grow back. I lost my hymen not to sex. It was to it. Doesn't matter. We already know it was to the handle of your hair brush.

But I feel like I should stop saying it. Because people are going to like walk in while their kids are listening to this. Turn it the fuck. off. How are you got your piercing done? You don't seem like a Clare's girl. I am not a Clare's girl. No.

In fact, I first started going there because I had, my second ones were uneven, which I noticed and then it bothered me too far. Oh, everyone noticed. You kidding? I know, it's crazy. I actually am a shame

that you let me walk around like that. It's fucking harrowing. It was so much fun because everyone would be like, do you know Catherine Bowhart? And I'll be like, oh, Catherine with a wonky piercing. Yeah. Yeah.

She has OCD, but they're asymmetrical. Like, how does she cope? I've breathed down the wrong hole again. Oh, it's like being back on Shropshire. exciting BBC level entertainment here lads she's choking it's so painful Andrew when you get pollen stuck in your throat okay and um so then I don't make me not believe in it and then I got a little stack to make them even up because she like put another one on top anyway I go to a place called sacred gold which is frankly lay out of my budget which is why I go there every three years

for one more piercing and that's fine you know what Claire's it costs like £999 but yes also but there you're you're I know it's a no it's a no from me I wanted to be a treat it is a treat and I I can justify it based on cost per wear I'm going to take you Claire's and I think you're going to be I think that's a no from me it's not the same do you don't do it like Hallie and Annie in the parent trap I don't want to do that with you no um in fact yesterday as I saw you what did you do hugged you and pushed against your ear and while I screamed you did what held me tighter yeah yeah yeah but I didn't know you'd had your ear pierce I was shouting, I've had my ear pierced today.

I thought you were into the hug because it was like I was sitting down, you were standing up, I thought it was kind of like a dom thing. I was screaming in pain. Do people normally scream when you hug them? Is that why it didn't register? Well, Senil makes like a panic, like in the...

He goes... But also you thought it was like a dom thing but you didn't think my consent was relevant? I don't really understand it. I know, we've been over this. Oh my God, so much to cover. But we have news, which is not my ear piercing or your lack of...

What's the news? Understanding of Consent, which we should circle back to, frankly. Yeah, we should. Which is, we're doing Edinburgh. Oh my God. Okay, I knew this news. Now, I know you're at home. No, Jesus, you are a co-host on this show.

I know you're at home going, yeah, we know you're doing Edinburgh, guys. We know you all have Edinburgh shows. We've already booked tickets. Yeah, sure, that's great. Thank you for us. But we mean hogs. Hogs are doing Edinburgh. We're going to be there.

We're so excited. 25th of August, 11.20 p.m. Monkey Barrel. And our guest, that night, it's going to be Nish Kumar. You know Nish Kumar. Miss Nish Kim, we're very excited. And also, it will Nish's birthday during the podcast recording. I know, I'm so excited.

I highly recommend you bring along cards and gifts. Make him feel uncomfortable. Let's do it. Oh, yeah, he'd hate the attention. Please bring it. Give them a real big hoggy love, welcome. So we're doing that on the 25th. Now, what are we doing on the other Thursdays?

Great question. We're still doing shows. We're doing two gigless lives in Edinburgh as well. Yes, please. Are they the 11th and 18th, Andrew? They are indeed. They're also at 11.20 p.m. That's right.

Whatever Thursday you're in Edinburgh, we got something. for you. Giglis is our new material show we're having all our friends on and it's just going to be great and it's all in Monkey Barrel and they're all already on the Monkey Barrel website if you go to Monkey Barrel instead of on our website as well. Yeah yeah but if they go to the Monkey Barrel website instead of the

Edinburgh website I think it takes less of a cut really? Yeah yeah yeah that you should always recommend that to go through your venue like pleasant for you rather than the Ed Fringe website takes another percentage venue another like 10% or no no no just like another like 0.5 or whatever but it's still like it all adds up that's how they get you

that's like with the Apple fucking space on a phone when they're like, oh, it's only 99P. But then everyone's paying 99P and it's a billion users. So what are they getting? A billion dollars a month. I pay 79P. And they're not paying tax.

I've got really into capitalism, guys. Yeah. Well, anyway, I thought the exciting part would be less the capitalism and more the show's on, the show's on, which is exciting. Yeah, something to think about, something to think about.

So I do not thrive past 10pm. I go a little bit mad. so I'm excited to me. You get worse? I get really bad. But I don't think time exists on the same like universe in and same plane in Edinburgh because I think you get up at like so much later

and you stay up so much later. Like 10pm sort of becomes like 8pm. How do you then change? No, I don't get that. I mean the whole vibe of the city is like that because I had a show at 1pm in 2019 and it was so quiet going in but coming out on my show

people were kind of starting to flood in. Yeah, it's like the crack of dawn at 1 p.m. Yeah, it really is. 320 and I'm thinking of it as like a brunch show yeah genuinely I totally don't you think in Edinburgh no this is why I panic because then I don't understand meals and then I get to go

really lost and frustrated oh you just get to eat the whole time yeah but then I don't whatever whenever whatever whatever van you see their selling food from and then I end up having a kebab at 11 am and running into like a famous comedian oh I have a question for you guys actually yeah because I can eat any food any time like I'm quite

happy for like a chips and a burger pre 12 p.m. No. Like a 10 a.m. burger. That's gross. The thing is my friend Danica thinks that's awful, but I... Yeah.

I usually agree with Danica and everything, but that's fucking mad. You can have anything whenever you want. Thank you, Helen. Thank you. There's a dignity to being caught eating at different times. Uh-huh. Like, when you're caught eating a banana on the street at 11 a.m.

There's something where people like respect you so much. When you're having a fab and you've got garlic and herb sauce dripping down your face, people worry. At 11 a.m. Yeah. Like, you know, when you're having a cigarette at 10, 59, waiting for it to open. And the whole industry walks past.

and goes, what's happening? And you go, it's Tuesday. It feels bad. It feels bad. I love breakfast food. I'm not, it's not an anti-breakfast food thing. I absolutely love, I would be so sad to miss out of my porridge or protein pancakes or eggs or, like, I had eggs this morning. I love breakfast time.

I like sandwiches for breakfast, like making, like, you know, when you're like a hotel or sort of like, anyone in Europe and they feel like their cheeses and their meats and their meat. Do you think sandwiches are European? Yes. Okay. They are, they're like American and European. They're not Australian. Apparently Australians don't eat sandwiches.

I heard that on something. What do they eat wraps? Apparently just like in shop, they just don't sell like pre-packaged sandwiches. It's like not a thing. They don't understand them there. Oh. That's what I heard. That's what I heard.

Ride in if you're listening from Australia and tell us, have you heard of a sandwich? It's where you put bread? Where you tag us? Have you heard of a sandwich? Would you ask you in liqueurias? A little bit of bread. little bit of filler can be anything you like eggs lettuce tuna meat

we're talking options and then and then get this get this because I've definitely had bread with stuff on and then you just put another piece of bread on Australians so if you're listening to this and you're confused and you're Antipodeon let us know but if you've heard of it but you call it something else also let us know

fascinating stuff they don't have them did you just find out tuna is bad yes mercury oh that's not the bit that's your issue But it was environmental. No, and the environment. Oh my God, there's like no fish left in the sea as well.

No, I'm not joking. It's not funny. It's not funny. There's no fish left. They're having a horrible time of it. You eat KFC. Yeah, but it's not fucking Kentucky fried fish, is it? But they don't treat the chickens well.

No, they don't do they. No, it's really bad. Because I thought they've rained, which is what they call it. It means that they can run around free. but it technically means they can just turn 360 on the spot. That's what free range means. So like you read free range and you're like, oh great, that means they're like running around like pecking things. That's like the landlords in Edinburgh during August.

It's a bedroom if you can move 360. I've got an unsuit this year. All right, brag. All right brag. All right brag. How much are you? Oh, you know what, we don't even get into it. So cheap.

I booked it. Wait for this. January 2020. Okay, yeah, fair enough. You deserve your onsuit. I've earned it. And, oh my God, I got so much to tell you. Okay.

I think I've got a pension. You think you've got a pension? Yep. So I went on to pension B. I'm actually alarmed because this means you have a pension before me, which is very alarming. But I'm also, I'm also alarmed because I'm like, what do you mean think? So I type my email address into pension B, made an account. So you think you have a pension?

No. And then they went, do you want to put money towards your pension? So I put 60 pounds on it. I've got a pension. It's £60. But are you going to be paying on an ongoing basis? Maybe, yeah. We don't know yet.

Who's we? Me and I've got like a pension B lady. I think her name's Katie or something. She emails me every now and again being like, what's the pension? I don't know. You tell me. Ellie, Ellie.

Sorry, pension B Ellie. And now she's like, can you call up Nest? Because you might have a pension with them. And I'm like, I don't know. What job was that? And she's like, I don't know. Fascinating. It sounds like a very bad service, actually.

No, she's really nice, Ellie. Shall I check it out? Yes! Okay. Okay. I have 60 pounds. I've got 60 pounds more of a pension than you do right now. That's really upsetting.

It feels so good. And I bought a sofa. And you're younger than me. And I'm a baby. I'm only four. I know you're only four. It's crazy that you bought. Also, I was so horrified when you said you bought a sofa without conferring with me.

But then... But then you bought my sofa. I was like, it's fine. We're fine. My God. What a relief. you thought that you had that idea independently as well you were like i don't know i just found a company online it's uh it's this sofa i was like oh that's literally my sofa where i got

the idea from that sofa not just from you but also a guy i used to sleep with his sister's an influencer and she got that sofa and i was like that looks amazing i've had that for three years i know and your sofa's really nice but i don't really with love and respect when i come to yours and i sit on your sofa there's so many rules around sofa no i haven't said a single rule that doesn't scan. I'm believing Helen Mayer. No, no, no. There are rules, but I never articulate them. She gives me like a TV tray table to eat at. That's not the same as saying a rule.

Towards me, she runs over with kitchen roll. No. In force. Hold on. I host. I give you something to put your pizza on and I give you a napkin. I don't say a single thing about rules. So I can do whatever I want next time I come over. That's not what I said. I'm just saying I don't say the rules. I feel like, you know when you go around someone's house, they've got a dog and they've got a dog blanket.

They put on the sofa where the dog gets on it. I feel like Catherine does that with her flat before I arrive. I do it with everyone. She puts dog blankets up and down everywhere. She puts like plastic mats up. It's not just you. It's all people. Really?

Yeah. Actually, you have trusted me more and more on your flat. Yeah. Now I can like help myself to things from the freezer. That's true. From the freezer? Yeah, I let her get ice out even though there's a system. Oh, ice right?

I thought she was like getting out like a frozen chicken or something. No, it's such an organized freezer. Like it's really well done. But she lets me go in there and get ice and I have to put it back. You do. And I do. That's how ice works if you wanted to stay at life. But I don't do it because I don't do it nicely.

This is like the Korean show with the toddlers. You let them do stuff. Yeah, or like all those E4 shows about exposure therapy for people with OCD where they're like, let's put a bull in your house, like our China shop or whatever. Wait, is that a show? You know when it's like, we can take, oh my God, don't you remember the series? Okay, so there's a bunch of shows. You know the way you love the diet shows.

Yeah. Okay, well, the equivalent for mental people is when they go, hey, you have OCD, let's, let's wreck your gaff. and then see how you cope. How about now? How about now? Or then... Or does shows when they sort of got... Partly that, yeah. So they'd also just like

take all their shit away when they were clearly like not mentally ready. So there's the other one though which I think is the grossest where they'd be like, they'd get compulsive cleaners and just get them into people's disgusting homes

and be like, let's see what your madness does here. I think I'm saying... Is there one with a woman who's like, aristocracy? and an aristocrat. Am I saying the right thing?

No, the word you used correctly. I'm just not sure about them. And she lives in this like big castle and she's just filthy and her hair's filthy and she like gets these two people in with OCD to clean for her. Oh God.

She doesn't want any chemicals in our house. She's like no chemicals, nothing here. So I just trying to clean it with water and they're all losing their mind. No way. People with OCD only used water. What about vinegar, white wine spirits? We can, lemon. I will find you the clip and you will lose

mean or whatever. It's so good. What does that sound outside? I don't know. It's quite ominous, isn't it? I don't know if this is going to be picked up on mic, but there's like loud, metaly clanking going right outside the door,

which is weird because we're like two stories up. Do you ever worry? This might be me being a bit mad. That like, because this room's got like no windows and we're like shut in it, that one day we're just going to open the door off to doing an episode and it's going to be like apocalypse. No, but what I do worry about...

I think I'd sometimes the way these episodes go, I'd prefer that. I just feel like oh thank goodness the apocalypse wow he's a cunt he's a can't I am indeed

I'm so sorry I'm 12 stop that stop that I don't know why it's so fun I don't have the apocalypse nightmare

but I do sometimes think don't you just think that because Andrew does all the admin as does everything I don't actually know

if the podcast goes out are you not subscribe to no like I don't listen so I kind of have this thing in my head

I'm like I wonder if actually put it out. I know you do, because I'm subscribed. My friend Francis is a patron, so she gets the extra episodes. I also read all the YouTube copy. Your friend's a patron. That's so cute.

I think one of your friends is a patron as well. I think Georgie's a patron. Oh, Georgie. My Georgie. Potentially, I have to check the name with you on the patrons list. Oh, we need to really watch what we say on the actual. My Georgie's a patron. Potentially.

I'll show you the name as you can come from me. But she has to listen to my shit all the time. Yeah, it's nice You've got a very lovely supportive friends Francis is listening for you No, she's not No, she's not What are you talking about?

I don't think that's right We'll check in the break That can't be true We don't have the list of patrons Andrew and Emma have them So we don't know who's listening to I'm saying is like I don't even know If it's a real podcast

You know I've got on YouTube And read the comments No, I don't Why the fuck would I do that? You haven't seen the latest reviews we've got I don't want to hear anything about the reviews Mike, by the way

Can you tell I spend the weekend With my friend Karen Because I'm speaking so much more Irish than I usually do I'm like, I said Gaff earlier and I was like, hold off. Can I read you this and then can you tell me about your spa day with Karen? Because I know you met a celebrity

in my mind. Well, he certainly thought we did. You were going to literally I don't know if I should tell. Actually, maybe the celebrity story needs to go in the extras, Andrew, because I am about to slag off. Celebrity story in the extras, go subscribe. I'm about to slag somebody off big time. For that information. Okay, so the last review, five stars. Is this the

Helen Show? Yes. Fantastic. Thank you, Dumes. Okay, Southampton Knights. Absolutely love it. stars. Can we please rename this the Helen Show? She brings non-stop laughs to my day and is gorgeous. I would say it's enough to turn me straight. We also need to appreciate the fantastic

Andrew. How could anyone ever ghost that beautiful fine man? I will never know. Also, I think we all would agree and take a minute to reflect on the greatness that is Chloe Pet. Absolutely comedy genius and I have a joy thoroughly every time she has been on. The Irish one is on as well, giving it a go.

Good on her. Andrew, Helen, Andrew, Chloe and that other one. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Because I did a shout out when you went here to give reviews just positively me. Next one, five stars. Hilariously funny, poor, genuine. Oh, no. That one is quite nice.

Yeah. Andrew, damn it. P.S. Helen and Saneal should totally get together. So these people are reviewing it. Like, it's like, oh, thank God for Helen. Giving it a go. Yeah, please do you leave us some reviews on whatever podcast that we're using?

Five star reviews. We're obsessed with Helen. Helen, do you realize that, like, people from our industry might read those and think that I'm actually shit at my job? I had not thought about that. I can tell that. I don't think TV bookers are going and looking at our podcast review. Fuck you, Andrew.

I showed up at several TV things that have had them be like, we listen to The Hogs podcast. Oh my gosh, cool. I don't know. Just to be clear, I was standby. Yeah, just standing a room. Fish, are you trying to room and jump for my life?

I had not thought about that. Can you please leave us some reviews saying that Catherine is really funny? Fuck you. I don't need your pity reviews. I need you to stop slandering my good name. That's what I need. We thought it was so funny, didn't we want to do. Yeah, it was really, really funny.

And they did it, it's so funny. Well, I hope you think about the consequences of your actions. Is this The Hellen Show? Yes, and it's fantastic. We do have an upcoming guest on The Helen Show, which is time for our wonderful guest. We're not calling it the Hellen Show. Oh, my God, is my guest coming off of the film show? The Helen Show featuring Catherine Bowhart.

Here we go. Do you want to introduce our guest? Please, welcome to the Helen Show. I'm sorry, Catherine. The best friend. It's Abigail. Are you okay, Catherine? I'm just here giving it a go, Andrew.

I don't even need to talk. Through the fog, we're on the Helen show. It's Helen and Helen are the trusty Helens. The thing is it makes no difference to the actual show. Here's the Helen show. It's the Helen show. Hey Helen, you have a new show you're working up for Edinburgh and you're previewing it, yes? I'm previewing it all over the place.

This weekend I'll be in Brighton on the 28th and 29th of May. On the 31st of May, I'll be in London at the Bill Murray. On the 15th of June, I'll be in Berlin, Deutschland. But it will still be English language comedy. 18th of June, I'll be in Hastings. And there'll be loads more of London ones popping up. 20th of July, I'm in Leicester. And for anyone who's like, oh my God, you never come north.

Go on my website. Go on the live dates. There's loads of up north for the end of the air. Hey, Helen, where do we get the tickets? Helenbauer.com.com. Can't wait. It's master. Thank you so much to our exec producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Mary Fox,

Ginnyna Bautista, and our new exec producer, Annie Tonner. Thank you, Annie. Thank you so much to all of our producers. Kira Leach, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Sadie, Cajmore, Zoe, Rachel Page, Joe Holmes, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Anthony Conway, Tim and Dom, Sarah Jark Deakin. No, no, no. It's... So it's Harkay Deacon. The Harkay is my wife's, and it's a Venezuelan name.

Thank you, Sarah Harkay Deacon. Why would you tell me that mid the read instead of before... Because I got it wrong last time as Catherine's turn to read it out. But you could have told me that at the start. She said that her parents got it wrong. But why wouldn't you tell me that at the beginning? Because I like Kelly, never got a chance to correct you, and it felt really good. Sarah Harkay Deakin, Oliver Jago, Clare Owen Jones, Harold Van Dyke, David Walker, Jess and Nick, Rachel R, Neil Redmond, Kaelin Lise, and Sarah and Molly.

Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Honestly, thank you so, so much. Oh, and news for you, at the end of the month, we're going to have the video recording of MacFesta. Yes, that'll be up this, well, Sunday the, I don't know, the date, but the end of May, And there's, we are so aware that you've been supporting us for quite a while now. And there's a little treat coming. Watch out.

Yeah. Yeah. Guys, the worst thing happened. First of all, the wonderful Abba Goliath just got here and she was demanding a coffee. We were like, chill out. We're like, we'll get you a coffee. She's like, no, now, now I want it now. Make your little girl run.

And we were like, oh my God, her name's M, chill out. I had 3 million views in 24 hours on TikTok. I'm fucking famous now. If I want a coffee, I will have a coffee. Dad, no, actually, Abigail asked for tap order, and then we insisted she have coffee. And then Andrew said the weirdest thing to M, which I've never seen.

He became this person I've never. You insisted she go coffee. I know, I'm the worst. But then Andrew, did you see Andrew has M left? Yeah, I know. He handed her the car to went, buy yourself something too. What are you fucking pimp?

Because when we did coffee this morning, I forgot to get M one. So I was like, I'm so sorry. You don't have to make up for it by being gross. Anyway, M goes to get coffee. Obviously disoriented by Andrew behaving like some sort of creep. And then she goes to get coffee. And on the way to Starbucks, she tripped in her white cream jeans.

In front of everyone at the bus station. Shut up, Helen. And I'm trying to have sympathy because maybe she hurt her butt and you're just being mean. Is your butt hurt? Are you butt hurt? Just if, are you out all day, M? Are you out all day? Yeah. Yeah, okay.

So here's what, when someone goes, oh, my. gosh what happened just look at them and go it's the festival look it's the festival look yeah tell them that I will be following me around though the rest of the day being like she fell in her ass you're a dick she slipped a male abagalaya how are you I'm good welcome great I love this little setup here it's fine it's great I used to be a hot yoga teacher so I'm used to it oh my god of course so I've started hot yoga I do it a fierce grace which fierce grace are you going to one near my house that I can't tell you the address up because people

did be the urge. I know whatever it is. No, no that's not your fault but Helen gives out her full address so you would be understood like it's understandable that you would think I could say. No, that is so dangerous. Staying it. Stop it. Stop it. No, I, my agent repeatedly has that to tell me to stop giving out my address. Yeah, I have a fierce grace near me

and I go there. I do love it. That's why I was asking. So once the podcast is turned off, we'll be like, which one? Just to quick check people. This is Bikram Yoga, right? hot Bickram. No, no, no, Bickram's bad. He's a bad guy. So that's what I was sort of finding. Why did Bichromo in, like, 2012 or something? Yeah, very end. Tell us about your yoga journey. So Fierce, just so you know, the woman who runs it,

names Michelle, I haven't met her, but she was a Bikram teacher, and those all used to be Bickrum Studios. And before it all came out, so for those of you who don't know, Bickram is a bit of a sexual assaultor, a bit of a touchy-feely, creepy, creepy old man. Yeah, there's a documentary on Netflix about it. It's horrific. And before even that came out,

she switched to Fierce Grace. She created her own series, so it's a little different than the Bickram series, but it's similar vibes, similar deal. But I think she saw the writing on the wall, man. I think she knew something was gonna happen. It's hot yoga without the predation, something to think about.

A bit of fun, bit of fun. But it's still the same, like, stretching and the heat and, like, getting, like, savastnering and, like, feeling the body. Okay, look at you with the lingo. My dad also went to hot yoga for a while. Oh, yeah. How they did.

It was in flea. I can say this now because it isn't lived there anymore. In flea above, like, an upholstery shop. And it was just him and loads of mums. Yeah. And I think he went because the doctor was like, oh, it's really good when you get older for, like, your knees and your back,

just to keep your body supple. Old people are fucking crum. crazy good at yoga. They're so good at it. They have nothing else to do. But I think he just felt like a creep because it was just like him and he breathed through his mouth like me.

Sure. At the back of the class. You breathe through your men like him even. Oh yes. No way, I learned from the best. But he enjoyed it. Good for Daddy Bowler. Good for Michael.

But you started doing, but you do yoga in Edinburgh. You teach yoga last sometime. I used to. I did one year, but you know, you do something once in Edinburgh and people think you do it all the time. I'm sorry.

I did it one. one year, and it was super fun. I once broke up a relationship in Edinburgh and then people think you do it all the time. Exactly. And now you're going for it. I'm joking. Let's move on.

So I started practicing when I moved to New York at 18. I went to school for musical theater. What? I can't believe it. Oh my God. But you have blue hair. I know. What do you mean?

We're school for musical theater. The American Musical and Dramatic Academy. I love you so much. Amda. Yeah, Amda. Oh, my God. I'm very good. I just made up the acronym.

I can see an acronym. Because that's what everyone calls it. That's why I was like, oh my God. Rada. It is in a building literally behind Alvinalee, Juilli, and the fame school. It is like a dilapidated building behind the greatest schools in the country. The fame school's real? The fame school is real.

It's called LaGuardia School of the Arts. I've heard of that. Does it also have like a high school at Texas? Yeah, so that is the fame school. The fame school is a high school. that is a Performing Arts High School. Juilli is a contemporary dance school. And there's some of the greatest schools in the country.

But in the shed, behind. Yeah, we are behind them. Stay humble, babe. Yeah, stay humble. Yeah, right by a project that we were told never to walk through. Wow. What am I not to do? Have you been in the world?

So projects are like social housing in a state. Yeah. Yeah, sorry, I did know about the projects. Yeah, in America, you call it. I don't know if we're allowed to call them the projects anymore. I haven't lived there in a while. Oh, yesterday I was in Sweedy Betty, and I was with a friend who likes to shop, and I actually went into a live shop, imagine.

I don't think I've done it the last two years. And this American woman beside me in the queue is like giving her email address, and in the middle of her email address was a full stop, because she just kept saying. So I don't remember her name, but it was like, Claire, period. Name, right? I love saying period. And so the woman was like,

And she's like, no, no, no, don't spell it. And it's not like word, period. It's a period. And the teller was like 18. And she was like, I don't, look at me Americanizing the teller. And she was like, oh, I don't even think that's right. But she was like, she just was so, so confused. And eventually I had to step in and be like, just a full stop.

And the American woman turned around to me was like, I don't need you to translate. And I was like, bitch, you do. Oh my God. You do. But also, that wasn't about Americans. That was about this horrible woman. Yeah, and that poor cashier is just putting the blood emoji. Yeah, she doesn't know what to do.

She's like, I don't... Cramping face, cramping face. Anyway, that was not a good story to interrupt you. It's back to your education in the shed. Yeah, so I went to school for musical theater, and while walking to school every day, I passed a Bickram studio. So I started to practice there in the way I afforded it

because hot yoga is very expensive. People like to remind me. I'm like, I know. Pass, baby. Yeah, exactly. You could work at the yoga studio once a week in exchange for a free class. Oh, great. That's so cool.

I did that all through college, and then when I left with my musical theater degree, I immediately went and got certified as a yoga instructor because you need a day job, baby. Yes. And I taught all through living in New York. And then when I moved over here, I taught at some yoga studios, but like yoga, much like comedy, you got to be in with the booker. Really? Yeah.

So, like, I showed up and... Really? Yeah, and there was a studio that was, like, wanted to hire me, and they were like, could you teach, like, the 7 a.m. class? And I'm like, I'm past that right now. I don't get the shit gigs anymore. I'm a high paid. Give me 10 a.m.

Yeah. I was like, I can teach you 10, 12, and 4.30, and those are the only times. And she's like, well, that's when our most senior teachers wants to teach. And I was like, I know. I'm not doing any other. That's me. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is they fostered these other teachers, and they've been there for

years so I come in as like the new guy and I'm the new guy again yeah so I'd have to take the shit shifts so what I didn't want to do that I feel like I know about this from broad city you know abby wants to be a personal trainer but she has to work as a cleaner for years before she's allowed to train to naya twain wait that's that's yeah no I get the I get the reference I was trying to see if it's the same as what abigalaya said and then I realized I mean I didn't fold a lot of towels yeah that's so cool I don't want to go to the same fierce grace as you why would I want to be by the who's the best in class. I'm not anymore because I don't practice regularly.

Okay, but I still think you're better than me. Well, probably. Yeah. You find unwinding so natural. You're so chill. But that's what hot yoga is best for, like, type A personality. No, it really is. Because it's so hot and the teachers just talking the whole time.

You can't focus on anything else. I'm so unused to being that warm that it really takes the focus. And also, it does actually sort of like, lubey up a bit because you're like more stretchy because of the heat that you can't really you can at least do more. Please come. I'd love you to come.

I would love you to come. Also I feel like Fierce Grace is better for like a, like I feel like I'm often the worst person in the class but I feel included in the class. Yeah. Which I think is good. Yeah. In Fier's great I feel like now. I mean if you've only gone three times it's a good place to go. I know. I feel like you want me to go though because you know I'll be worse.

Oh no, no, no. That's not what I meant. I just mean I actually feel like we don't feel like sums at the back. Well, the thing I like about yoga, because I was never like a sporty kid, is like, it's you on your mat doing your own thing. You're not letting anyone else down. Exactly. So if you want to sit down the whole time, if you

don't want to do a posture, or you know, whatever. I want to beat the elderly woman who lives near me, who's fucking incredible. Oh, my yoga class is an older woman. Why are they so good? She's like that. She's probably nothing else. And she's probably a former dancer. When I was teaching on the

Upper West Side. Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Oh my God! This is, I mean, I definitely had food issues in body dysmorphia before becoming a yoga instructor. Oh, hello, joining the gang. We love to say it.

Come on in, girl, come on in. But being a yoga instructor, like, I'll send you the pictures, if you want, of me when I thought I was fat and unflexible, like, doing a backbin and grabbing my heels. And I was like so, I thought my body was so awful. Now I look at it, and I'm like, that was the most. most amazing thing ever. But my students were like, the Rockettes, the prima ballerina for the American ballet.

Jonathan Groff used to be my yoga student. Shut up! Your hoar, mouth! What are you talking about? As you're losing your mind. As soon as it came up, I was like, they're going to freak the fun of it. That is crazy. I mean, he's also an amazing, yeah, amazing brawet.

Yes, Glee! And one thing I'll have to say about Jonathan Groff, excuse me, a beautiful yoga practice. Absolutely. I see that for him. I see that for him. Wait, sorry, hang on. I just,

I just picked up, you said he was the reindeer from Frozen. Yeah. No, he was, he was, he was, um,

uh, what was it? Not hands, the other one. Fens. No, not, he wasn't the rainier.

He didn't play the reindeer. Yes, he does, he does he do both voices. Oh, does he do both voices? Oh, yeah,

he does. He does. I wouldn't put that as his lead role, though, him pretending to do a reindeer voice. Oh, Alton. That's when he was my student.

Whoa. That's so cool. That is amazing. He's a really nice guy. That's so cool. That he is. You know, Lea Michelle's going to be a surrogate? What?

She offered, according to Twitter. That's the least she could do. That's the least she could do. That is a PR move that is like just about balancing the scale. I was going to say she makes me uncomfortable because there's so much bad information out there about her. But at the same time, she's like Jonathan's best friend. So I'm like, there must be something. Unless maybe.

maybe he's also a racist but you told allegedly yeah like I don't know lovely man lovely man to you a white lady to me a white lady did meet adina manzal I never met her but she did practice at the studio

oh my god Chris Noth went there oh the worst Chris Noth is bad I know as soon as I said it I was like oh yeah we cancelled him yeah I will say the worst thing I've ever done in my yoga career is I got a message from

We all got an email being like there's an emergency, like a private class that needs to be taught today. Is anyone available? And I looked at it. I'm sorry there's an emergency yoga class. This girl is tight. She's tight. Hamstrings be tight. And I looked at it and I was already teaching like two classes that day and I was like, fuck it.

I don't want to do it. It was for Beyonce. Beyonce, Lady Gaga. I never taught Lady Gaga, but Lady Gaga went to that studio. Sorry, just to circle back. So there I am, 23-year-old chubby girl, like around the stars of Broadway, being like, my body sucks. I didn't meet her. I need to be.

Sorry, just to circle back. You said no. I didn't know it was Beyonce. No one knew it was Beyonce. It was an emergency. And now I know. Emergency means celebrity. But I didn't know that at the time.

I thought it was just. It was a celebrity. It was Beyonce. You've really upset. It might have been the entire Destiny's child. It might have been all of them. God the fuck It was so long ago

I don't quite remember When they were a five or a three When they were the three Their bodies were too booty laces for you This is insane And I didn't I didn't go And you weren't ready for it

I wasn't ready for that jelly Fellas leave you home The club is from the ballas In the pocket From the God can you handle I'm really upset for you It's 1130 and the club is jumping Then again I kind of get it

Because I used to work in catering At the National Theatre Yeah serving coffee to people and we had a lot of coffee and we had a lot of famous people come through my friend served Liza Manelli a coffee oh my god oh my god apparently she was coked up past the I was like did she know what was happening she knew what she was doing vaguely can I just tell you I want to say Dame Liza here's here's your coffee and I'm a huge fan and she went oh thank you can I just tell you that earlier on in the show I primed

to the audience for a celebrity story as I was telling the extras, I met Rylan Clark's PT. Don't fucking bother. Please do support us on the extras. Thank you. That's insane. Oh my God.

I mean, at least you could have met. I could have met. So this was a misconnection. Yeah, but you will have touched the ground where she sweat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Licked it. Beyonce doesn't sweat.

She shines. You're so right. They would have been fucking glowing all over that room. Oh, God. What a idiot. What a wife, though? You've lived.

You know, it's funny because you never think about that. And then I tell a story and everyone's like, Are you fucking kidding? That's insane. Americans have always lived. It's always fascinating

because you're from the Midwest. I know this because I love your cooking channel. Thank you. Thank you. I stopped it because I was tired of it. But my heart is in the Midwest, I feel. You, you, well, you know, I'm from dramatic descent as well.

You are. We are women who can carry hogs and hail, inhale, hay, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bales of hay, hails, love it. But I just think, like, so from what I understand from the Midwest, and I do understand it quite well, because I've watched teen mum OG and teen mum too. Okay. So, bye, then I guess I do too.

Go on. Amber and Caitlin. Oh, okay. I'm there. I'm with you. I'm there. That's the whole vibe. Like, everyone's got, like, an uncle and brother in jail.

If not, they join the army and then go to jail. And then they all, like, overreet loads of stuff, and everyone has to work as a waitress. Right? see boom okay then you have to have a kid not as funny a story as I was hoping it seems like bad but this is where I think I belong there's always drama going on everyone's always angry at each other and I think I would thrive in that environment it's uh and the barbecue sauce I left Christians there's Christians everywhere yeah this is like okay so this is like the cutest story from people I grew up with so when Trump was like leaving office and something I'm no longer on

Facebook he's gone he's gone yay but but I put something out there, and someone I went to school with, like, commented back, and I know she still lives in the area. And where I grew up is a huge Trump area now. And I kind of messaged her something, and then she was like, well, I don't watch mainstream media, which made my hackles go up, because I'm like, I know what you're listening to. Yeah. And she comes on my DMs, and we're talking about it.

And this was before the insurrection. And she was like... Wait, what's the insurrection? Okay. So there was a moment in January 6th, when a bunch of MAGA people stole. Forms is a capital. I just didn't know the word for it. Oh, okay, okay.

Again, I was like, baby, gee. They started with their fucking flying and they went mad. Insurrection. They're learning. Yeah. And she was like... It basically means like a rising up

against the legitimate government or sometimes illegitimate. Yeah. Yeah. In this case, legitimate, okay? Yeah. It was legitimate. And she was like, I don't know.

Everyone's still flying Trump flags around here and I find it really scary and I'm afraid. They say there's going to be a civil war and they're going to break out to war and I was like, listen, girl, there's not going to be war they're going to march they're going to complain they're going to do what us lefties did and she's like i don't know just living here it's so stressful so i just don't watch the news anymore

i just listen to christian radio to call myself down how cute is that oh and i love the idea of christian radio do they just play like he's got the whole world in his hands on repeat oh do you not know about christian rock no i mean i've heard of it but i don't that's like metallica but instead of like a death, it's sort of like God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, it's sort of like... Skaw, a metal. When I was a kid, there was a band called Jars of Clay.

Very big. Jars of Clay! Sometimes they take the old standards and, like, fucking rock them up, and sometimes they, like, make their own work. But they go to churches, that's like their, like, tool? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they go to, like, big arenas

and, like, the Christians pack in. See, I would fucking thrive in that environment. Yeah, you would thrive in any cult. Because I'm from like the UK Bible Belt. We've got like a tiny one. I didn't know you had one. Yeah, northeast Hampshire and like more than 50% of the population is like religious and goes to church. Sorry, more than 50% is your Bible Belt?

Nothing compared to Ireland. I never said we were Irish. But I think I do very well amongst the Christians. I think you would. I think you would. Oh my God. You got a face for it too. She's so absurd.

I just, I wish that Ireland, like you could say the part. of it that were most religious were just over 50%. That's just like, whoa, that's crazy to me. Their Christians are different to your Christians. That's crazy to do potlucks where they all show up with a big thing of cornbread. Yeah, we do that when people die, we just eat beside them. The body.

No, but they do it every Sunday. I'm sorry to point to you like this. Yeah, but people say for teas and coffee's after, it's not the same. You're right. It's not same, but we do, we have the same sort of like... What sort of church and Ireland do you get a hot dog out? We don't get... They've got projector screens. Yeah, we didn't have a projector screen. We have projector screen. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, though, is like, which I didn't realize until I came over here and don't want to brag, have gone to some funerals. Congratulations. Because I've been to some Irish funerals. I've been to some Englishmen. The drink, we do not do that in the Midwest. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, it's a very somber time. There's a potluck, maybe a few drinks, but there's no, just going to the pub and getting skunked in that.

We've got high at my God, my God, no, no, no. You need to get the kind of drunk where you can, where, you can. where the old men can cry, where the women can say that he was actually a creep, where the kids can understand that they just have to take care of each other because ultimately that's what grief is.

You just know that there's a reason now. You need to get to a place where everyone can forget why they were there in the first place. Oh, the goals are high. The goals are high. The funeral then. I mean, you know, you go to the church

and God's there and, you know. And so one thing that you guys is you guys have like special people carry down the pool barrens. All bears, we just have the closest friends and family be the pallbearer. Oh, we do that in Arlington. It does. But, so everyone...

Really? That's that an English thing? You don't have different? We do sometimes. But, like, I mean, like, people in my family are too big. Oh, we choose... We choose based on closets, but then also you have to consider height. Well, see, ours are now, like, on... So it'll be on a wheelie stand, like, this big will the casket be. So you're not actually carrying it. You're just kind of holding the casket. That's what we did for my mom's cousin. Yeah, really near death.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, that depends on what kind of funeral you're talking about, but no. Oh, okay. I think I'm, I've seen horses now. Sure. A very specific documentary, but a specific group of people. Like a big, fat gypsy funeral, I think it was called. Oh, we absolutely won't be saying that word.

They weren't Irish. Were they not? Were they? They had accents. Okay. We carry the funeral. We carry the coffin in, usually. Okay.

maybe I don't want to go to a Midwest funeral, but I want to go to a Midwest, just general Sunday. Yeah, I mean, you'd love a potluck. You'd love it. I think I do well there. Tater tots on a casserole. Yeah, on a casserole. Okay, so our castorals are a little different than your...

Talk to me. You're not... You don't have to stop saying it. I'm just sorry, that was me... That was my hackles love. I'm so sorry. What I should have said, Abigail, that was actually, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. No, that was really rude to the guest. I was really rude to the guest. I was really rude to the guest. I just want to be clear, yeah. I'm so sorry. I don't really think it's the same for Helen and I because we're different.

Exactly, but I'm American, so you're not. You do realize that America doesn't understand the difference between English and Irish. Let's start in the first place. We have more in common. For example, we put potatoes on our casserole. None of this bread, scones. Okay, so do you guys, like, do a casserole where it's more of a stew?

Yeah. Yeah, so we don't do that. What we do is a nice stew. like a pasta or a rice and you mix in a... Like a tuna bake? Yeah, like a tuna bake. That's a casserole. That's a casserole.

Interesting. So like you might make a burger casserole where it's like rice and burger. What? Put some cheese on top of it in tater tots. Hell is drooling? I was going to make it for the cooking show before I quit doing the cooking show. How did you quit before doing it? It was so fucking annoying to do.

It took me all day long to do it. and I did hire an editor to edit it for me and it was absolutely fabulous and coming to the top of this year I had all of these ideas to make it like bigger and better but I wasn't getting traction

so it wasn't like every this is so sad to talk about but every post got less and less and less and less and last and last view and it was one of those where I was paying someone already to do it and if I was going to make it better I needed to invest more money and time

into it. And I was like, well, at what point? Creativity is a gamble and you're constantly rolling dices. Do you want to have guests to make the bite? And I'll come on it. That's what I want to do. I don't have TikToks, I'll bring nothing to them. I wanted to do, well, the cooking show, which is still available. I made 26 episodes. It was called Just Like Mom Made on YouTube. It's great. And it's all like Midwestern and Southern style cooking. And the goal was to have guests on this season and bring in an actual camera guy. Because I just film it on my phone, stagnant.

He looked amazing. Thank you. And my boyfriend is actually a filmmaker and will not help whatsoever with it. Was just like, absolutely I do not want to film. But would he have been working for free? Yeah. Yeah, I kind of get it. I kind of get it. Boundaries, man. Boundaries are important.

I mean, it's fucking rude when you desperately want it and you need it. Does he eat the food? Yeah. Of course he does. Oh, fuck that. I would be like you don't get any of the food then. But no, he ate the food. But he's such a specific eater. that sometimes I'd make something and he'd really like it and other times he'd be like

that's too rich for me. Like I made this chocolate cake it's the most beautiful thing I've ever made. I love chocolate cake. What? The flowerless macadamian nut chocolate cake Why are you here making us hungry? Flowerless almond chocolate cake

and it's rich but it's like the whole thing is like a fondant consistency. Why are you making us so hungry? It's the best thing I've ever made with a rum cream on glaze and... Oh my goodness. He didn't like it.

It was too rich, so I ate the whole thing myself. Fuck that guy. You should leave him. I should. That's crazy. If he didn't both desperately need each other, I would definitely leave him. I do love cooking shows. My favorite one was cooking with Cooleo.

He had a cooking show. He signed after he recorded like a couple of songs and he did a cooking with Cooleo series. No, I didn't. I did that. Cooking with Cooleo, check it out. That and also the old B&P, which is like the big racist party in the UK, or was the big racist party. leader called Nick Griffin.

When the BMP started going wrong. He did a cooking show of him cooking British Clothing! It was fucking mad! So what kind of gave me the idea for it was my boyfriend used to work for Sony music and he would do some of their like BTS

reality stuff with their stars. That's why he knows he doesn't want to do this. So they did it come dine with me with the Little Mix girls. Oh my God. Oh my God. So I mean I'm not going to give you any This is a shout out to my ex. So he met them?

He knows them, yeah. He knows them. Jade has complimented his shoes. The bitch. I think she likes my boy. Jade is the best. Jade's the best one. She's the best one. She's the best one. I've never met her. We have beef. She's the best one. She's so cool.

Well, this is the thing. So they did this come dine with me thing. And by the way, this is when Jesse. This is when Jesse was still there. The Jesse episode is hysterical because she can't cook. But one time Tom came home from work. He's like, have you ever thought about making doll? And I was like, because I do like to cook. And I was like, no, I'm not sure I can make it.

And I made him some doll. And he was like, yeah, it's pretty good. I was like, what made you just one doll? And he's like, well, you know, Jade made it and it was really nice. And I'm like, I am competing with Jake. Come on, come on. Come on. The crew got to eat some of it.

How are you going to be with Jay Thorwell? That's insane. So he's eaten there. He's been to their houses. He's been in there. He's been there. Oh, my God, he set you up. You don't can't win that game.

Yeah, yeah. Wow, well, now that we've heard all about your incredibly extravagant life in a way that I didn't anticipate, it's quite a lot. I've never met them. He will not get me tickets. He no longer works for Sony music. I feel like I'm reading some sort of like celebrity. He's a close with Jade. He can get tickets now.

Oh, oh, once these are off. I'll get some stories. Oh, my God. Are you ready for a problem? Yeah. Really fun vibe. We're going to get into your dream in the actual. I think you went through a lot last night while you were sleeping like something's going on.

Do you know what I mean? Do you not feel it? Okay. Well, we can this is just my personality. Helen's always like, what's why are you so tense today? And I'm like, it's every day. This is my life. As my therapist said, you're living very much here and you'd find yourself in like the general area. Helen, I went all the way down there. The doctor told me that my pelvis is too uptight for me to wee. Wow. I'm having a tough time. We just solve your problem. I don't think we have this thing. He doesn't like taking the advice either. Relax, baby. I don't like you touching me.

Sorry, Andrew. Ready. Let's do this. I hope it's about something Zen. This is from N. Hi, N. Hi, N. Hello, N says,

it's coming up to my A levels, which means I'm going on study leave soon. The problem is that I have a... I'm sorry, in question. What is study leave? 17. Oh, like a break before, like just 30 years. How long do you get? Usually two weeks.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, thank you. Basically, you stopped doing classes. You're just focusing on exams and revision. Should I think? Got you, nah. No, yeah, you're pissing about and going, although I went to Thorpearking most of a little.

Are you fucking kidding? I would definitely have been studying. In fact, I was when we did our equivalent. Okay. I actually, earlier on that you made a petition to get us out of compulsory PE because I didn't feel like you should have to do it when you had study subjects.

But nobody else joined me in the library for my protest. Nonetheless, I didn't have to go back to PE. Go on. Okay. Let me just quickly turn this camera around as well. Be fun, yeah. Alternative. Sorry for this.

Oh, wow. If you're watching on YouTube, the main camera is just over here. How very carpal karaoke? We switched to this. You are very 10. Good run. Yeah. So the problem is that I have a crush on this girl.

This is N again in my friendship group. We know if N is a... N is a girl. I have done for the past year. I don't know how to tell her, but I really want to. The thing is, with us going on study leave, only gives us a few weeks for me to tell her. After that point, school's finished,

and I've probably missed my chance telling her. her. I think she might be gay, but I'm not completely sure. I feel like there's also a possibility that she likes me too, but maybe I'm reading things wrong. I'm stuck in this dilemma of whether to tell her or whether that would be a distraction from my A-levels, or if I do tell her I like her, how should I tell her? For background information, I'm not out to that many people, so she might not even know that I'm gay. Yes. I've got the answer. I have the answer, too. I've got the answer that I've never had a guest you so good this is this is a nice this is a nice easy one because like we talked about before recording some of your question

freaking intense yeah they are pretty intense they're pretty intense this we can deal with here's what I would say is what I would say is we should all have a go so you don't need to rush you can take give the answer Helen and then you'll absolutely get a turn andrew you're ready to know when Helen's talking that you will get a go because otherwise you don't be anxious the whole time I got it hi um okay um okay No stress. Have you seen the film Booksmart? If you haven't, watch it.

Exactly the same situation. She fancies this girl. She doesn't know if the girl fancies her. She's not out to many people. She doesn't know if this girl's definitely gay. Her best friend. It's not exactly the same situation. Feltstein is like, you've got to go for it.

It's not exactly the same situation. It goes to a health party. They jump in the pool at the same time. She sees her making out with someone else. She's devastated for a moment. And then she gets off with another girl in the bathroom. it's not exactly the same situation they don't have they don't have

they don't have exams and secondly that is a terrible scenario because she vombs on her yes so basically Helen your suggestion is do nothing until you watch your crush yeah you're going to watch your crush get off with someone else in a pool and then just make out with a drunk girl in a bathroom

until you throw up on it because life's not perfect and you've got to roll with the punches wow okay that's one option Abbegolaia it is the option Okay. First of all, this like, school's almost over, and then I'll never see her again. What do I do? First of all, it doesn't matter that school's over. We all have the internet. We all can chat with people at 27 different ways, so you can always see this person again. So don't worry about that. Secondly, if you're worried about it distracting you from your studies, it's already distracting you, babe, because you rode into trusty hogs instead of studying. So the study is so important You will not be defined by a letter On a piece of paper, live your life

Exactly, exactly And so my suggestion Is to tell her And what you have to emotionally prepare yourself For either they're going to be into it Or they're not going to be into it But you have to emotionally prepare yourself For either direction

And then once it's out there, it's done And then you can focus on your studies Or you can just get some sweet love in on those two weeks however it plays out. Yeah, definitely do not listen to Dido around this time because she is not very good at letting go of love.

Like, you will not go down with this ship, you are not in love and you will not always, Bilby. I disagree completely. Oh, interesting. I thought that was really nice. It was sort of like, go for it, but be prepared. Fascinating.

I disagree completely. I think, um, here's several things. Which I think she's ever been rejected. No, that's not what I was going to say, Helen. What I was going to say is, here are the outcomes. She says she's into it. It distracts you from your studies

because you ultimately are hooking up instead of focusing and studying. B, she says no, in which case it's devastating and awkward at your exam so you can't even focus on getting the information that you know on the paper because you're now distracted by this horrible awkwardness

and you maybe even feel down and that's hideous, right? If you leave it till afterwards and focus, you know, give yourself permission. I'm definitely going to tell her at the end of the exams. If she reciprocates, you can see each other again.

If she doesn't reciprocate, you'll never have to see her again. but let's be clear you're 17 even if this goes swimmingly almost certainly won't be the person for you forever in which case if you fuck your studies something that does stick with you for considerably more time than is likely

this girl will then you're going to regret it so I think literally take it put in a box talk to her afterwards enjoy your summer with her if that goes your way and I hope it does but in the meantime you have worked for years and probably need your A level results to go well for things like university or future job prospects

and then then you can tell her afterwards who the fuck is able to fancy someone that much and put a pin in it to focus on their exams to then ask them out who can do that I feel like what we just figured out here

is who actually studied for exams and who just fucking winged it also I would say I think that's the kindest thing you can do for her too because if you put her in a position I never think about the other person Neither do I, neither do I.

I've got to tell them everything. Because if you put her in a position where she has to reject you and then feel bad about that, guilty about that, remorseful about that, awkward about that during exams, it's not very fair to her. It's just A-levels. It's not the sats, you know? Chill out. And also, I think that if you, even if she's just confused, you've actively distracted her and if you really care about her as much as you do,

I think that you would let both of you prioritize your exams and then tell her afterwards. No, it's love. Love comes first. You've got to say you love her, see what happens, and then go to box for her. If you know if it's love when they haven't... like Amy from the film for a year. That's what you've got to do. You've got to throw yourself out there. And if you end up just working in a shit job

for the rest of your life because you fucked it all up, then that'll be fine. I don't see what the problem is with that. You'll be fine. And if she'll know. And if kindness to herself and you, prioritize what has to be done now now and then have the best summer ever if she's up first.

God, that's so responsible, Catherine. Also, when going into your exams, definitely take stuff like notes inside of a water bottle with you as well. No, Helen. And in the water bottle, a little vodka to calm your nerves. And if you have a little streaked of thoughts,

you have to just deal with them in your head because one boy I went to school with at the end of a math exam sang out loud, 0800,000, 1066, and he got disqualified. No, no, no, no. Hey, N, N, N, if you're finding this all difficult, talk to your parents and friends. If you're having a stressful time,

ask people to quiz you. Use little notepads and little cards they're really good for learning things. Do not cheat. Do not deal with your worries alone. You always finish early, right? No, don't. Chup your answers.

Play racy and vigilators because they usually go over 70 and you have to wait for two to be at the end of the same row and then you've got to race them down to the end. That's great. Absolutely not. Stay in there for as long as possible.

Give yourself the bandwidth for your brain to think of things that you didn't even realize you knew at the start and also take a breath, read the questions thrice. And best of love. Wait, I never got told this. This is really good advice.

Underline the important words and the question. I'm going to be honest, I thought I gave a really sound advice, but I think Catherine is thinking more of the future, and I'm thinking of the now and how you feel right now, and it would be too distracting. Yeah, it'd be too distracting to keep it in. So you're thinking of everyone involved, but yes, Helen and I are just thinking of in, and, yeah.

Give yourself permission. You say you're absolutely going to tell her so that you know what's going to happen. You're not humming and hoeing anymore. You've made the decision. You're not humming and hoeing about whether or not, like, it's worth it. You've made that decision too. You know when it's going to happen.

And just focus on your exam. Sorry, just one last idea. Merge the two together. No. Ah! Okay. Let's say you're doing an A level. Draw a picture of them.

No. Or. How about you two scissoring as your final art piece? That the end of the exam, hold it up, just staring at her. That's beautiful. Exam done and you've awesome out. We wasn't again. Or if you've ever seen

10 things I hate about you You get the marching band involved Get them out on the pitch They don't have a marching band or a pitch You can hire it You never know it could be an international school Yeah yeah listen Then they don't have enough students for a marching band

I don't know Do you guys have some sort of music class It could just be the orchestra Wind band Wind orchestra I am No I'm also by the way I too am controlling my worst instinct

My worst instinct being that you should only be allowed to tell yourself you're only allowed to tell her how you feel if you try really hard and think you've done well enough in your exams because otherwise you don't serve love which is how I would have approached it as a child so you know like we're all doing our best to limit ourselves but I am right

and it went in doubt copy of Anne-Rie by Waterford next year it's what I do. No! No! Shout out to Ammarie, you're a fucking babe. You can't cheat it's like driving tests you really can get kicked out and then you're not allowed to take them again. In fact it affects your driving test If you're a fan to...

I didn't ever get caught. In Ireland, certainly. If you're a fan to cheat on state exams, then it prohibits you from taking your driving test for tenure. It worries so much. Wow. Just stop it. Just focus.

Deal with it after. Can you email us and let us know how your A level's go? I'm genuinely curious now. Can you email us and let us know how the whole thing goes? What advice you took? Did it blow up in your face? Like, I mean, just if you guys can fill me in on this, I'll be listening over the next few weeks.

I need to know what I have. I will. Please let us know. I'm like genuinely If you tell her and she has halitosis, you're going to regret this. Halitosis? I'm just saying things can happen that you don't expect. So just fucking focus on your exams for now. You know if she had halitosis. I'm going to say, you're really grasping at straws for the bad breath argument.

Whatever your results are Abigail and I will be really happy for you. Catherine will be expecting at least one A. No, I'll be expecting you to look back and say I did everything I could within the time that I had to try my best and represent myself best moving forward in my life. Listen, you're going to be an Instagram girl boss about this. I wish I was an Instagram girl boss. I'm just like, it'll wait. She's not moving to a different country like on the third or the last day. I genuinely believe it's more important.

You get fingered by this girl than you get a good mark. I genuinely believe that. Oh my God. And then if she says, what if she says, no, absolutely not. And why would you say this to me before exams? You know we have exams. You've made me feel like shit. I feel guilty.

And you've written time. Nice. That's not a reason to ask for extra time. I don't really know how the system works. If you got extra time for homophobia, I'd have gotten extra time. You don't. Do you want a homophobic people in the school?

It went to an old girls Catholic school in the 90s. Oh, no! What's your question? I'm going to be honest. I didn't picture homophobia there. I just pictured a lot of like gayness there. No, that's not how it works. Oh, I'm so disappointed.

Yeah. I've talked to my guy friends who went to all boy schools, and a lot of gay stuff was going on. Sure, but also a lot of, you know, it's all been down. It's actually been quite a dark pod. Thank you so much, John Mason. You guys, Africa and Lyon. Please promote everything you've ever done.

Yes. Tell us everything. Where can people watch you at Edinburgh Fringe? Oh, yes, I'll be at the Edinburgh Fringe. 620 at the Tron, first ever, all-female venue. This is so cool. This is so cool. So wait, so every comic who's on there is a woman.

Yes. And that's so fucking cool. Yeah. But you're on at 620. I'm on at 620, so that's like the best one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not competing with women at the Tron. We love to see it.

But not tearing anyone down, but I'm the best one. Do you wrestle? No. No, I will. Okay, good. It's a great fucking room. It's so good. It's right beside my room.

At Monkey Barrel, you can just walk up the hill to the Tron after my show to watch up a Goliah. Come on. We're planning. We're planning. Yeah, but they'll stay for two days. Everyone's going to be a float-stays. Who takes a 24-hour trip to Edinburgh? Jesus.

I also have a podcast called Neurodivergence moment podcast that I do with my friend Joe Wells. Please listen to it. We talk to people with different neurodivergencies. I have ADHD. Joe Wells is autistic. And the thing I wanted to fangirl real quick through Joe is when we started our podcast. Yeah. Every time we talked about like, how are we going to do the Patreon?

What are we going to do? He'd be like, well, what trusty Hong is? And Andrew, well, no, he is our contact. We try to get Andrew as our editor. He's busy editing something out. So it's always like, well, Andrew says, well, what trusty hogs does. Oh, that's really sweet. He's the one who got me into your guys' podcast.

And how is it working out for you? Great. Good. Great. Last week, last week, number one comedy podcast in Estonia. Yes. Come on, Talham. Come on, Talon.

Yes. Yeah, oh my God, they love you. That's so funny. I have some questions to ask you about the terminology around neurodivergiveness. Okay. It would way be better if you asked Joe. I'm the you in my podcast. That's why I think you'd do well in the Midwest.

You don't know whether they do. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. I feel like everyone got a joke that I didn't interest that. You don't know if you've been in an insulted or compliment right now. It's because you both have great tits. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what it is. I'm also real quick. I'm on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter at Abagliah. Now, Abigail, how are they spelling your name? A-B-I-G-O-L-I-A-H. We love to hear it. And I guess I'll see you a fierce grace. Yeah.

But don't sit beside me because I honestly, I don't... I'm front row girl. Front row to the left. to the teacher. That's my spot. Oh my God. No, I'm back at the right. We'll never see each other. I'll be outside with power aids. Powerades. No, you should come. No, I do want to come. Please come. I want to come. You can help me beat up that old lady with the dance thing.

I wanted to get into water aerobics, but they don't do it in my local pool. What? I wrung them up. They don't do it at all. It's just not like an option. Okay. Allison Spittle does water aerobics, and I think you guys live not so far. Oh, she lives at the north. Stop giving out other people's address it. North is fine. North is fine. North is, yeah. You know, in a lot. You know, you know, Hollywood, there's like maps of like the

Star's Homes. We could do a trusty hog's guest map. You can go around London and go to everyone's house. Andrew, I can't finally do that. I know everyone's I much like the celebrities live behind a gate with the code. Nice. No, you don't. Andrew, why are you encouraging this insane

behaviour? Well, I'll only say that to executive users. Andrew's like, are you listening? Are you insane? How about you make a map of where we all live? Stop that. I'm so pointless after every five months because someone gets kicked out by a landlord Yeah, so true. Actually, no. Well, thank you so much.

Thanks, everybody. I don't think of what to say, but I just realized I didn't get to your neurodivergency question. Oh, no, no, no. I will ask them later. It's about from terminal. This is very boring. It's about my show and some terminology

because I've definitely got some older language I used to do with autism. So I need to brush up. In our first episode, if I may plug, in our first episode, we do talk about terminology around neurodivergents. I just listen to that. Great.

Thank you so much. You don't even have to talk to Abigail. Dreamy. Yeah. Exactly. I don't, I'm sorry. I'm the worst. I'll still double check.

We'll definitely a bit behind on that. We have a great skill of building up to a great crescendo and then destroying it before we can actually get out of the podcast. Thank you, Al-A-Lahler. Thank you.