Trusty Hogs - Ep37. FELICITY WARD / Dolmio, Divorce & the Dark Web

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

The effervescent, ever brilliant, and ever so funny Felicity Ward (Live At The Apollo, Mock the Week, Live From the BBC) joins the Hogs studio this week for a great chat and one of the strongest episode titles in a while...Follow Felicity @FelicityWardThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie TonnerPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Alex PughWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's like if you were blonde, you'd be one of the Philadelphia angels. Oh my God, I'll take it. Do you remember that advert back in the day? I will take that. And they were like in heaven. Yes, they seemed sad, but that's fine. And they had tomatoes and like basil. And they were like, Philadelphia can change any pasta dish.

Yeah. Oh my God, you're right. Not necessarily for better. God, pasta had a boom when we were growing up. Pasta was the domino day. Yeah, it really had its time. They don't do that initially. They don't have a domino day.

Shut up, you lie. They don't. I met like five Italian. lying hello welcome to trusty hogs episode 37 we're in through the fog step for the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give you problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew white on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as a trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs

or maybe not we've started pasta really did have a boom when we were younger. Pasta was like everywhere God, but maybe it wasn't around in the 90s. When was pasta brought to the UK? My friend's grandmother didn't eat foreign food and she never had rice or pasta and nobody was even

that surprised in Ireland during the 90s. They were like, yeah I mean, somebody knew. Wait, rice and pasta is not quote unquote foreign food. Yeah, no like Irish elderly women stick to their one potato thank you very much that's their only carb but if I said that

it'd be a problem oh yeah super xenophobic sure sure sure sure yeah when's a yore when's a yore day

they don't do it initially that's mad they make their own sources from scratch interesting I'll be honest mine's usually

like a Thursday the dregs of the week where I'm like I haven't done a shop in a while and I get that I need to I'm trying not to get a takeaway

and I'll probably go out for dinner the next night yeah but I'm what's your like scrambled pasta dish because mine would be usually pesto. Yeah, pesto pasta.

I like the hot chili pesto pasta. Oh, interesting. I'm always a green gal. And then, oh wait, I actually have a hack for this. Bruchetta. Bruchetta seasoning mix is the ultimate for any pasta. So you know like brusetta mix that you like put olive oil in

and then you put it on bread. Yeah. And then you bake it and then it's like, oh my God, how'd you do it? And you're like a miracle. Yeah. You do that on the pasta and everyone loses their mind. Fascinating.

Ashtonil Patel, you've got such a bono when I first. Oh my God. Well, I just think you should, for one time, touch it and see how you feel. We were like... Pop a little bit of brichita mix on Sineal Patel's dick and give it a go. The other day I was talking about like when we get married. Yeah, because you should. He freaked out. He was like actually annoyed.

He was so upset. This is Helen's housemae, by the way, if you haven't heard. By the way, this is a podcast. We talk about our perfect lives. I bet you could already tell that from how I was talking about peppering up some peen. And then we have a guest on today We have an amazing comedian Oh my god

I love her She's so good She's so funny It's actually really annoying I know right And then we have They will solve some listener problems It's honestly a thrill

What a life we leave But we've got so much to talk about before then Because now I'm thinking about What I've been eating recently I have right So you know when you're like Are you in a phase Right yeah

I'm in a phase of buying in loads of really healthy food And then it goes in the fridge And then it's there And then it goes off And then it goes off. Yeah. But I figured out. It's called summertime, baby.

If you know the number one rule with food is, there's no food in the world that can't be improved by other chocolate or mayonnaise. Like, apart from the other for the other one. Yeah, that's actually very true. Because it's impossible. That's actually very true. So I have like a vat of mayonnaise at all times. Nice.

And then I just put all the healthy food in a bottle and just cover it in mayonnaise and stir it up and then put it in sandwich bread. And then it's a meal. Did you know that I didn't like mayonnaise until about a year ago? What happened? I started dating a big mayonnaise fan who just kept putting it in everything even when I said, please don't put that in there. And turns out it is actually quite delicious.

It's so good. Yeah, it's very good. Also, my brother made homemade coalsall. Peter? Yeah. And it was immense. And I was like, what's the secret? And he was like, you know it's mayonnaise?

And I was like, I think I love mayonnaise. It's so good. Yeah, it's very good now. I'm glad I'm in the world of. Yeah, it's very exciting. That's what I'm doing now. I eat mayonnaise and I watch jackass. my entire vibe. Well, I know that I have to reassess my food and coffee choices because my

accountant recently asked me who, and then said the name of my local coffee shop was, and why I was paying her so much money. And I was like, oh, God, I got to stop going in there. Wait, how much you're paying? The problem is more that I go in there most days, and I got to stop that. Having the best, like, it's the most amazing coffee shop is on my street. And it's two words down. Tell me a little Italian place. Oh, my God. Yeah. Owned by the woman

who's from Bucharest. Very confusing. Very confusing. She doesn't seem to have a domio day either. I don't know what's going on. I know. But she sells the most amazing coffee and sandwiches and

cakes and pastries. Your accountant should not be asking about food choices. I think he, no, he wasn't. He was just wondering if he could make a tax deductible and we decided

only when I was working there, which is never and not when I was on my period, which is what I always say is the excuse. I don't even get periods. Anyway. Speaking of periods, I'm on right now. Hey, congrats, I knew I could get a whiff. I know, it's really strong, isn't it?

I give off such a fucking massive scent. No, I actually, I was joking. I'll tell you if I can smell. Maybe during the day. Oh my God. So I did, I did another podcast. Excuse me? Yesterday.

How about a huh? I'm starting a new podcast. Are you really? No, but I found. I wouldn't have a leg stand on. I am actually doing that. All the right wing podcast, it's cool than that. They will have beef with each other.

Do they? They do. They all. have like little fights and they fight with people on Twitter and they always have arguments with each other I thought they just had beef with like the rest of them I don't know the beef with the world they got beef of the world they have a lot of beef so I want to have beef with someone I found them puppies we're gonna go for pappies I hate because they have beef with you do they that's they don't like you based on what and then because you got COVID I got

COVID so okay Catherine got COVID again and then I actually got COVID yeah I started up that you made it up and then you're beef is with me yeah yeah yeah yeah And then they were like, oh, my God, amazing. So we're going to start a trusty hogs and Pappy's beef with them. And I was like, oh, you're going to get so many lesbian sweeten you. But it sounds like you're on their side. No, I'm on your side. It felt like you're all bullying me.

I'm on the side of the fight. It feels like you're on the side of all calling me a liar. Well, I mean, it's very unlikely to get a hug of it. No? Jack got COVID twice in a shorter time frame than me. Someone who can vouch for himself only through you. Loads of people on Twitter also replied to say they'd have the same

I have the photos of the test People on Twitter say some mad stuff babe I have the photos of the test In both dates Do you want to Fuck I'm gonna I can share some receipts guys This this won't work

As the podcast feud If we're fighting between ourselves But you're on their side You started it I'm on the side of the fight I'm on the side of us being on the same page Okay then stick up for me We have receipts

Okay you had COVID You've probably got it now I don't have it now I don't understand What are you won for me? We hate pappies. We hate pappies. Okay.

So I went on their podcast. It was all bullshit and we had to like fight each other. Right. I know everyone says that our listeners are like a cult. There's a fucking mental. Did you go on the live one? Yeah. And you tried to start a fight at their live show.

I did have a fight. I was on the first of my period. I was like three beers in on an empty stuff. Oh my God, Helen. I was fucking losing my mind. At one point they were like suggest an idea for a scene for them to like act out. And they were like, oh, how about like they're in a cinema And I was like, but they're watching Schindler's list

Like anything to like fuck with it and really add layers Can I tell you a truth about Papi's? Yeah, hit me. I don't even really know what their names are. Yeah, I know there is a Tom and there is a Matt. You? Matt, yeah, yeah. Who's the third?

Ben. I didn't even know there was a Ben. This is really good beef. Okay, so then which one's which? The little one is. The one with curly hair. The little one. Matt.

Okay. I think he's a short one. Okay. And then you've got Tom Perry, who's like the bold one. Is he from like Devon or something? Yes. Okay, he's the one with a silly voice, got you. I think they've all got slightly silly voices.

They do. So he's just the tall weirder. This is really good beef already, by the way. And then I'm going to call him the lizard because he's tall and has a weird voice. The rat, the lizard and then Ben. I don't know Ben. What do you mean you don't know Ben? I mean, I've done their podcast, but I couldn't put a face on him.

This is so good. Do you know what I mean? Like if you like them on. Their listeners are going to fucking kill you. So faceless Ben. Their audience, they sang along to all the theme tunes. They were like clapping and cheering the word gold. And I was just like pissed like in a fever dream.

Just look at Nina Conti. I don't know what happened. And it was mad. Nina Conti is surely too famous to do Pappies. She's a babe. What can you say she's a babe. What a charitable, gorgeous woman. She's a good woman.

She's so good luck. She doesn't need to be that nice. She's too good looking to have to be that nice. Pappies is... Am I good at beef? Have I started... Have I helped with the beef? I really think you went like nastier than I expected.

I thought it was going to be like a light roasting. Then I'm sorry! And then it's like when you like say to a friend like, Oh, I don't really like her. And then they go, yeah, she's a fucking cut. Like we should kill her. And it's like, oh no, I just, I don't want her to come to my birthday. That's the limit of that.

You were like, let's have beef. I was like, put some horse radish on a bitch. Let's go. I thought we were beefing. That was, that was good. beef. I think we've started it now. Okay, cool. Let's see what happens. Let us know if they respond. I'm certainly not going to listen to our podcast.

I'm really worried that we're going to have one side of beef and they're not going to be aware of it because last night I was really pissed and I was messaging being like, I'm going to start it tomorrow. I'm going to fucking start a fight tomorrow. And they were like, okay, Helen. Okay. If we have any overlap on listeners and I can't see how we would since they're like, no, we do. Because someone there was like, oh, I watch trusty hogs and Catherine's face when you're talking and I was like of love and then I went out for a cigarette which I think I burnt myself with oh baby girl but so pissed recently well I was pretty pissed at the weekend too because I am I basically I was opening um for Joe Lyset at the hipodrome I know next door to

I know I can't believe we didn't see each other so I'm at the hippodrome which is by the way the biggest room I've ever played in Birmingham so I was petrified I didn't realize until I got there either no one mentioned it's almost 2,000 seats fuck off I know and I was just like wondering and being like can I see this Spice on my fucking gun. That's like a full school assembly. Yeah, it was crazy. Like that's three school assemblies from where I'm from.

Anyway, I had 600 girls in my school. The point is I am, I know hideous. It was as bad as it sounds. And just as many nuns. We had 1,500 per year group. Shout to Farmers 6. What?

Yeah, 3,000 over two years. Well done. I still meet people now who are in my year at school and I'm like, hello. Lives to meet you. We were in that. You didn't even know you then.

That's great. 1,500. No fucking way I'm going to meet me. everyone. That's so weird because I met everyone and when I see them on the street we just pretend we don't know each other. Interesting contrast. Okay. So I was petrified. We had a great time and then Joe was telling me about his local pride in Queen Seas. Queen's Hathian. And so

I love a parochial pride. So I was like, get me to it. So my friends came to the show on Saturday and then we went to Queen C's Pride on Sunday. Yes, please. It was delightful. We're talking like gays with too many children we're talking old gays with too many dogs we're talking like incredibly leathered up gays with too many drinks in

for 12 o'clock no there weren't that many leather gays with Tim and Dom there Tim and Dom were there it was so good so good it was so cute and they were so happy and I had found out from Joe that the local barbers were turning their barber which can basically

hold about 12 people into a dark room two straight men who just wanted to DJ They were like, we can handle it. And I was like, ha, good luck with that. Wait, wait, wait. A dark room is just the room which you go in to have sex, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They turned their barbers into a dark room.

Very sticky hair on the floor. I know, can you imagine? And then, so I said, hey, Tim and Dom. And they were like, hey, so happy. They were so happy I was in their area. And I just mentioned, like, funny, isn't it? That they're turning that into a dark room. Honestly, to God, they didn't hear another word I said.

The two of them were just like... They were just, like, working out their route. Like, the one who looks like Dom, but is, in fact, Tim, just kept looking. over his shoulder, you know, like people do when there's someone more famous. That's what he did, but with cock. I was like, could we focus in? Anywho, the good thing about being a parochial, like, like local pride is that they do like

stoles. I can see the gifts. Okay, so I found this stall called Queerings. Queerings. You know that's so up my street. With a Zed. Oh my God. Weirings with a Z.

So I got the ugliest hearings I've ever seen for. Andrew, do you want to see them? Yes. Because he got his ears pierced recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, at home, no. Aren't they awful? He has to wear them every day in Edinburgh.

He has to wear them every single day. I actually love them. And how do you, I show you these? Yeah, you can see those. Oh my God, look, they're, um, rainbow. You can't really see them. Are they cute? Okay.

So good. Are these for me, though? These are for you. I can see they're already dangly. I didn't want to leave you out, so I got you some queering's with a Z, too. Oh, no, the price is still on. Oh, it doesn't matter. Oh, it doesn't matter.

Are there a fiver? What? How much are they? I'm not telling you. Or it doesn't say on this one. This is really good podcast thing. Hang on. Sorry. This is Catherine getting off for price.

Sorry, can't get the price off. Just give it to me. Just give it to me. The price has to come off. I want it out. Yay. For anyone wondering, they were four. Oh my God.

Aren't they good? I saw them and thought of you immediately. Oh my God. They're gummy bears. They're purple, sparkling gummy bears. Oh my God. I think they might turn your ears, but aren't they amazing?

It is already green. Who gives the shit? Aren't they so nice? Oh my God, I genuinely love them. Yay! I'm so happy. Oh, I am so going to get pissed and try to eat these. This is going to be a disaster.

Another trip to A&A. They actually look amazing on you. Holy shit. You look incredible. These are enchanting. Okay, so I saw them and honestly I was like, now I have to buy Andrew and Ebb something just to compensate for the fact that I have to buy these for Helen.

The best thing about being me is there so much stuff I like that I get so many gifts. Isn't it so good? Yeah, I have too expensive and too specific taste I don't really get those Oh my god Hang on, come here, come here, come here Do I do it wrong?

No, no, they're just almost right This is like the best bit A min-turn, turn, turn, turn. Oh, oh. They're on a little, they actually look Like they were made for you. They're purple

Gummy bears, do you want to show them in the camera a little bit closer, model it, work it, get it, work it, we can only see your tongue. There we go, that's so nice. They're actually incredible. fucking love them.

Thank you so much. You're welcome. Don't to ever touch my hair again. Good Philadelphia Angel. I have to put these in here because when my friends gave them to me they were like, they're nice earrings,

don't lose them. And I was like, understand. They are beautiful. You should actually be wanting to wear those instead. Oh my God, I'm so happy. So we'll keep these fugly boys for Andrew.

He's gonna fucking lose his fucking mind. And then I got this for M because I think that M needs to hear this more. And I wish that, and it's also hideous. The thing is I couldn't get her earrings because she has too much taste. This is still not going to be too her taste.

but it's as gay and as somber as I could go. It's a little viewer. If you don't like it, I'll have it. It says, holy shit, you look amazing. And you can stick it inside a door, like the wardrobe door, so you don't actually have to have anyone see this in your flat. Thank you so much. Thanks, Catherine.

You're welcome. You both receive gifts very differently. I love them. Em is like the withholding father and you're like the youngest child those are the vibes that I'm getting Em's like thank you for thinking of me I shall ponder why you bought this for me

at a later day I once got given a gift when I was four years old and apparently I was rude and my aunt flew back to Canada three days early because she didn't like my reaction shut the fuck up what was your reaction she was like fucking she's dead now

so we can slag her off she was fucking mad as shit was she rich as shit that you could just change your mind based on the women of a child just crazy like a proper crazy person she right let's do the nice stuff there was four years where she liked my dad enough to send us over five beanie babies each for Christmas which is holy shit like the Canadian one I know it was mad it was a mad period but so right little context I met her once in Canada we went over to go see her and I must have been like 13 or something like that and you got to go to Canada when you were 13 yeah I told you I'm fucking traveled a shit

yeah you are it's mad that people because I think you're working class I know what the fuck you went to Canada at 13 I mean that was like three years ago people were like she's working class

and I say I'm middle class like eight times in the show this is bullshit the amount of times I had to like my poor father the only time the first time we went on our first foreign holiday I was well I think I was in my teens

and I remember the car journey where now on reflection I'm like what a cunt I was I cried and cried and cried about how all my friends were going abroad we couldn't fucking afford it I went to Malaysia for my first Christmas

Oh my God I made my poor four Sell him at datang bitch My dad had three jobs And I cried at him Because I wasn't getting to go abroad Your trash Absolute twat

I've really seen the world I've taken it all in And we went twice We went to Canada Sorry circle back So you meet this crazy lady in Canada What I do? 13 But we were like

Driving to hers And there were like So many like signs up In her like suburban neighbourhood Saying like cats missing Little Cat Missing Like pictures of little girls were cats

We arrive at hers. Is there a cat killing? And we like knock on the door. And she's like, don't, don't keep it open. Don't keep it open. The cats will get out.

And we were like, okay. And I think it's like one of the first times I formed a proper joke in my head. And we went in and there was just claw marks on the inside of all the doors where all the cats are scratching. She was like,

they can't go outside their house cats. Because they blow to them. Meow! Just desperately trying to escape. And she was, She was like, no, mittens! And, like, pulling them in, pulling them in. And I was like, this is fucking terrifying.

And then we went back to visit her the next day. She was gone to Canada to see her. And she didn't want to hang out with us, but she closed her curtains and just hidden side. And my mum and dad were like knocking at the door with the three of us. And we were like, ha ha, ha, she just didn't let us in. Because my mum had laughed at her. She hated people laughing at her to the point where she's fallen out.

So my dad and his brothers, she would pick one of them that she liked at any one time. And then if one of them laughed at her on the phone, like once, she went, oh, I just think, you know what, I just think, Anne, who's my mom, is jealous of me because I've got a sewing room. And my dad went, ha, ha, fuck off, you old bitch.

And she hung up and didn't talk to her for five years. Yes, that's incredible. But when I was four, she came over. Also, sorry, can we just rewind? How has your mom heard that story and not, like, got back with your dad? I'd be like, fucking get in. Oh, well, this is ages ago.

Yeah, that's a hot story, though. It's a hot story. I love that level of, defense. But you also remember he doesn't know what Conalingis is. So my mom also had like Yeah, that's not okay. Right? Like one defense but then no kind of lingers. Yeah, no that's not okay.

It's okay. She's getting hers now. Shout to the old woman dating. Grim. Shout out. No, not grim. But it's weird that you're shouting at your mom getting eaten out. I want her to feel like satisfied. I guess. She's my mommy. Don't say mommy in conalongas. She's my mommy. I want her to feel

fucking sleep. You want her to get eaten out? Jesus. Ideally by my dad. Get back together Come on, lad Let's get the family Look my mom out And stay together forever Do it for Helen

Do it for baby Helen No, don't get back together That'll be fucking awkward Maybe oh okay yeah It would also mean that you have to change Your entire personality Why? Is my personality

Divorce child? It's not not child of divorce No, because I wasn't a child of divorce Well it's not not Adult who is quite childlike of divorce Because my parents got divorced and I'm like 24, which is so annoying, so you get no attention or sympathy for it.

I think you've found a way. Yeah, I've really looked at it. But somebody's parents are divorced when they were an adult. I really like, my parents are divorced. Yeah, yeah. In middle class, I can't help but create tragedies. This is the thing. But she came over.

She gave me a handbag, and I was four, and obviously like a little bit precocious, and I opened it up, and I was like, are there supposed to be something in it? Which there is, it's a bag. So my mom was like, smart girl, smart girl. where it's supposed to be something in her.

And then Lynette was like, what an ungrateful. Lynette, Lynette, Lynne Bowler, who was a psychologist. I don't think so. And did she get her degree online? I don't fucking know. She was weird. Bauer, the cat stealing crazy lady. There was no way those cats were all hers.

They were really trying to get out. And all these like girls in the neighborhood, little Canadian girls, have you seen my mittens? Like, oh, I'm not funny. But she flew back to Canada early That is incredible Insane isn't it Well she was like make her apologize My mom was like

Fuck off She's not fucking apologising to you You're mad cunt Yeah the bowers are a fucking strong Sadly gonna die out we think The Bowers I think we're the end of the bloodline What you'll have kids

Yeah maybe I would have kids But like as far as like the male Sort of surname thing Like old school It lies on my brother You can give them your name You can give them your name. I'm not giving them my name.

Why? I'm going to make up a name. What? Like a fun one. Bower is a fun name. I know, but you know, I've always had like a... Have we spoken about this before? No.

Because there's other surnames that I'd rather have. So when I was younger, I really wanted to be called Helen Llewellyn, because I think it sounds really good. There's a boy in my school called Thomas Llewellyn. You can't just take on a Welsh name. No, but I want it to be like a fun name. Oh my God.

Do you know what just happened on my train? What? I saw Colin from It's a Sin. I haven't seen it. But here's the thing. It took me ages to figure out it was him because he was dressed like some sort of like creepy DJ.

What's a creepy DJ? I'm sure what it was very stylish. We're talking giant black framed glasses with the yellow frame with that yellow lenses. We're talking four giant silver rings like knuckle dusters. We're talking a two piece matching combo with a giant suitcase.

He was obviously coming from the airport. We're talking... Where had he been? Classic Nike's. I don't know. I didn't ask because I was too busy going Why do I know that man who looks like he has had at least four wives? Must be from an open mic.

Yeah, literally I was like, is that, who is that? Are you a retired DJ? Are you, were you in a crowd somewhere? No, it was him. It was, honestly, it took me so long to figure out who he was. But you did. He was dressed like a 1970s pimp. It was madness.

Anyway, back to you, Lou Ellen. Helen Llewellyn. I just think there's better surnames for me. My mom wants me to marry someone whose surname begins with G, so my initials can be hag. Oh, that's nice. Which will be sick for me. That is nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can get it embossed on stuff. Yeah. Hag! That's quite nice. She's like, that would be really lovely for you. So we're hoping. fingers crossed.

Anyone with a sign in the G signed into my DM. But you don't need to get married. Or Llewellyn. Why do you think that rhymes with Helen? Helen Mellon would be fun as well. Yeah, you don't have to get married to have a baby though. What? I know.

What? I found this out when I got off the boat from Ireland. Honestly, God. But you know when you're just sort of like, I think we should just finish the bloodline. Oh, you think he's wrapping off? Yeah, well, the Bower is. I mean, like, Lynette would probably be the most stable one out of those siblings.

But my uncle Jerry collects his water from a bathtub he's got on his roof in Didcot. Excuse me what? And there's chickens in the house that just wand around free. Do they belong to him? We're the local children. And then him, we think. Okay. We don't know.

Are there signs all around. He's a bit, uh, have you seen my chicken? They're all just a bit like, uh, okay. Where are the bones? Go on my Instagram and look under my dad's storyline and you can see most of them Yeah

They're like yeah They're just bimbling it sounds like I think natural selection Would have taken us out by now But like yeah No you're definitely going to like Entrap somebody into pregnancy soon I think

But there was a smart one There was a smart power Who? So like my grandfather He invented stuff So we're like It was there And then it all just lost

The Virox Oh my God we talked about this Yeah Yeah So it's like, but when does it reappear? Because my dad said this hasn't appeared in me, Marianne or Ted. You're very smart, don't lie. I'm smart, but like...

You hide it well, but you are smart. When I think if you added, if you added in Soneil Patel's Spunk, that would be a smart baby and also a gorgeous baby. Why, Sunil's not smart? Oh, but there's got to be somebody smart in his family, right? He is smart. He made that radio show about crypto. It's called an idiot's guide to cryptocurrency.

Yeah, he's explaining it to idiots. No, I think, oh, maybe. Dear God. I've listened to all the episodes, and I literally don't know. He just went. Ah. Nice to have a revelation, isn't it? Maybe he's the idiot.

It depends on where the apostrophe is. I don't, after the ass, before the ass. What? Which one? I don't understand. Okay. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Hey, any other news? I mean, apart from that, we're both watching Master Chef Australia. Oh my God, you need to hurry up and get to the Nigella Week. I'm at Nigella Week. You're at Nigel Week. I'm telling you, I've watched Nigella Week. She looks phenomenal. What work has she had done?

Everything. So, but like. In the best way. So the most expensive way. So neck, obviously. Yeah, she's probably had a half facelift, if not four. What's a half facelift? It'll just like pull this bottom half back.

Oh, right. Yeah, she looks amazing. All her chocolate pudding. It's just hard to watch because my dad, she's one of his wank searches. So it's like, it's just so prominent in my mind. She's one of mine too, so I don't mind it. Really? Is it her whisking?

Sure. Or just in one of those black dresses with the big. What is it? Her tits. Yeah, but like, why her tits? Because Katie Prices are bigger. Oh, because they're real and because they're so... They're not...

They are. Not that high up. There's at least a lid. Oh, yeah, that she corsets, for sure. But also, they're just so... She's got such milky skin and she says everything so sexily. And you know she'd do coke with you if you asked. For sure.

Yeah. But it would come with like a really nice As like a moose bouche to clear the palate Yeah Come on a golden tray With like little salts and stuff Like that But she wouldn't be shy with it

Because she thinks it's more rustic If you do a thick line She's just like a fun gal I just think she's a fun gal It's a really good show master chef Australia I don't think I would ever do cocaine Except if Nigella Larson asked me to You wouldn't do it with me

No Should we do an episode where we just take out No we are obnoxious and I Write that down No that's not an idea Let's do an episode where we take all the drugs and just see what happened. A, we are already fast enough talkers. B, we're already obnoxious enough.

C, who would ever take a pause? D, how on earth would either of us get cocaine? I know people. No, you don't. No, but I can find them. No, you couldn't. I could. No, you couldn't.

Surely, you go on the dark web. I think the fact that you whispered dark web means we're not going to find any cocaine. But I don't know how you get on it. This is what I'm saying. You type in dark web. I think we're good without the Coke, you know. But how wet, right, do you know how to get on the dark web? No.

And also, even if I did, I wouldn't want to be on there. I don't like to break the rules. But is it just like, like nighttime look of it? Does the, is the bar like darker? Why are we looking at M? Like, she knows. I don't know what the dark web is. I can barely send an email.

You, come on, you know. You figure that out. I couldn't figure I had to download a video emper. Yeah, that was really embarrassing. Like, I mean, truly. And Andrew had to be like, press on. on the arrow. It was so obvious as well.

I know, I'm so dumb. I don't think I'm a dark. That famous down arrow for, wait, can we figure out? If anyone knows it to get on the dark web, can you message me? Because I want to know what it's like on there. Because you can buy everything on it.

Drugs, children. Oh, I'm still trying to get vinted to work on my phone. What's vinted? Oh, the clothing thing. Yeah, so I don't know. You don't need that. I think I want to sell some of my stuff. Oh, you're going to sell?

Yeah. Can I be your model? Yes, I'd love that. But just be like, oh, it just doesn't, suit me, but it's like, I can't close her. Like, that's my favourite when they go, like, oh, it's not like the design, but they're wearing it and it doesn't fit them at all. And it's like, no, you

got big. Like, just say you got big. So we'll do that with all of your clothes. Okay, deal. And you'll just be like, I just feel like the hemline's a bit high, but my vagina's fully out. And it clearly can't zip up at the back because there's a mirror behind me. Perfect. Perfect. Like, you know, that amazing. It's like a site

or like a buzzfeed of people taking pictures of their mirrors to sell online, but they're naked in the background. No. Yeah, it's so good. No. They take a picture of a dress and a hangar, but there's a reflection of them naked somewhere,

and they've put it online to sell. Oh my God, do they take it off their bodies? Why? It's incredible. It's incredible. Why? You forget how much time people spend naked? I don't spend that much time.

Well, you're like a never nude. Yeah. I mean, I'm nude at night. I sleep nude. Me too. So sexy, isn't it? I can't do this hand because my hand is. Oh, yeah.

Catherine had her handy wanking. No, it's not from white. Oh my God. I knew that. I knew you said that. as soon as I put it on. So I got this wrist support because my wrist hurts

and as soon as I showed up hell and was like, eh, eh, and I was like, no, I think it's just from doing too much

admin on my phone. Kim Kardashian got that. RSI. What's Carpal tunnel? Is that an American word for RSI? I think so. Isn't that a rolled steel joist? Huh?

That's a J. Okay. Oh yeah, close so, isn't it? Yeah. What's an RSI then? A, something to strange injury.

Yeah. that's wanking though no it's not wanking i don't really wink that often so what are you doing in your phone i just like answering emails making lists reading twitter i don't think that's how you're doing something else i'm lifting weights what size big and 10 kg what's 10 kj quite big how much how many kgs am i we don't know and we're not going to maybe like 150, 160. We're not at some sort of fair where we guess your weight.

No, like guess my weight in like a shaming way. Guess my weight in like a father hogget at the beginning of babe. Like where we're going to eat you? No, like you know he wins the pig because he lifts up the pig and then the pig pisses on him.

Oh my God, we should totally do that. We should do a trusty hogs fair where people have to come and guess my weight, but you've got to pick me up and I'll just piss on you. That's going to be a no. And I think that I will have strong appeal for approximately one person

and that person should not get in touch. But slide into my DMs. Should not get into it. No, no, she don't. Please don't. No, please don't. No, please don't do you encourage this. I don't know.

I hate myself. Like that, I'm constantly putting out your home address. I got to stop there. I got to stop the day. Let's just introduce our guest. I think we really should. Okay, that sounds for good for me. She's brilliant.

She's funny. She's one of my favorite comedians to watch. I've always gone to see her Edinburgh shows. She's so freaking hilarious. Please welcome the incredible Felicity Ward. Welcome, Felicity Ward. Thank you for having me. You have your hummuth.

I'm very much decked out here. You have a happy outlook, even though you're depressed. Yeah. We love to hear it. We're just saying that it's lovely to meet other upbeat depressive. Thank you. Yes. Ellen is upbeat and depressed.

So depressed. I'm depressing. I think I'm a bit depressing. No. No. Not at all. No, you're not depressing. You're depressive.

You don't hear something depressing that you're going to like hate? Sure. So when I went to the bathroom earlier, and I was like, I've got a chain for a moon cup. These lose here. Oh my God, these lose here are dark.

So, you know, when you go into the toilet and you're like, you take your moon cup out and then you're like, I am not prepped for what I need to do next. Why would you take that out before you were prepped? So I wasn't prepped so there's no toilet roll and it couldn't come out.

So I've got my bloody hand and I'm holding it like this and I've got a white t-shirt on. I hate you. I hate you. So I had to try and find the toilet roll, and it was a new one. So I had to start it. Is it a roll where you've got to, like, use your nails and slowly peel it on?

Yeah, yeah. So, and it was like a proper industrial size one. And I had to, like, balance that on my body. Yeah, because I'm holding it at the bloody hand. I'm doing that. And then as I'm doing it, I see the moon cup and I see a drip coming from it. And I've got white birkenstocks on. And I'm like, oh, oh, come on, come on, get around.

And I got it. And a little blood drip, this went straight onto my shoe. That's why I keep looking at it. But I think I managed to, like, wipe it in with my toes. I would say arguably the first mistake was buying Birkenstocks. The second was what? How dare you come to this queer-safe space? I'm sorry.

How dare you come to this queer-safe space? I'm so sorry. How dare you? I am old, and I saw the first incarnation of Birkenstocks. And yes, they are comfortable, but they are not great. What's the first incarnation of Birkenstock? They're having a resurgence now. They're cool.

I mean, it's disgusting that you catch your blood on them. I don't wear them to catch blood. That was just something that happened. But the arrogance of you wearing white Birkenstocks on your period is insane to me. Yeah, it's a mental choice. It was about, I was out very early this morning. I've got a chat. I've got to walk 25 kilometres in four days.

Excuse me, what way? It's a task from Professor Oka, my Pokemon Go app. So I have to go up really early at the moment. I know. She speaks this language. So I'm a Pokemon Go player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a task this week from Professor Oak.

Who's Professor Oak? Like the Professor of the Pokemon. Oh, right. Okay, sorry. You made an absolute cunt of yourself there, sweetheart. That was really embarrassing. I was genuinely embarrassing. So I need to walk. The Adventure Week, Adventure Challenge,

and you need to walk 25 kilometres total. I've done nine so far. So is this like couch to 5K but for Pokemon? No, because then I get three rare candy, 5,000 XP and a hatching egg, which they cost about 200 pokey coins. So that's four days work, minimum. Buy pokey coins.

You can, but I've never done it because I think that's a cheat in way of doing it. Yeah, it is, but I'm proud of you. Thank you. I wouldn't have survived because I am an addict for anything. So I'm like, well, I've played too much of it, but I don't have any lives left.

I know, I'll just, that was the day. When I had Candy Crush and I spent 12 pounds, 99 on like a bundle, I'm like, you've got to delete the app, babe. That's the thing when you buy, you're fucked. I've got two dots as the other game I play. Never put money into it either. But every now and again, you accidentally press. yes, but you don't want your face to show it

because it all like go through this and I'm like Oh! No, that's not the one. But I basically had to leave the house in a rush. That's why I'm wearing whiteback. Okay. Are you quite an addictive personality? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same. I love a trend by which I mean anything I've decided that's cool

and I want to do barely girl method. The curly girl method works, Helen. It's not a sudden. I mean, I'm not doing the curly girl method. You are and I think we see the difference. I think you've got amazing curls though. Well, I've put some blonde in it. which feels good, but post-pregnancy.

Drives it. It's really killed those curls. Yeah. I think pregnancy had something to do with it too. It changes the texture of your hair. Yeah, the texture and the, my, my, oh, God, this is something that you get told about how beautiful your hair is, before you get pregnant. Yeah.

Like, people like, oh my God, your hair is so beautiful when you're pregnant. And it is because it doesn't fall out. It just gets thicker and thicker and thicker. Oh, my God. You'll be fucked. No, I'm never getting pregnant. I'll beg your hair. I was so luscious.

I was so luscious. I was so luscious. And I remember the day that it started to fall out. and my son was like seven and a half months pregnant and I was in the shower and it was just coming out in like when you have curly hair your hair comes out heats anyway

my ass crack is like a fucking carpet I can't imagine it's insane she'll help you she'll help you fathom she will help you so think I assume you're gonna say bloody no you know when you're in the shower that's not where you appear

so my hair is naturally curly but I like smooth that out really yeah I know you should see her curls you should see her curls You should see her. I smooth it out. They're like beach waves.

Then I can't brush it and I'm like brushing it. It's like, they are beach waves. Her hair is stunning. The fact that she doesn't leave it like that makes me so mad. I mean, that's coming from someone that's only new to embracing their clothes. Exactly.

But I am really embracing it. I am really embracing it. You are. But, you know, when you shower and then like all your hair gets caught in your crack. Oh, then you come out of the shower. I thought you meant. I thought you meant that it was hairy as in because you don't know. My ass isn't like massively hairy.

Oh, we both assumed it was. Right. Next time you're. showering and washing your hair, check your ass crack. You will be fucking surprised. I don't think I will be. That's where they collect. You're saying this as if we've never washed our hair.

She just know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I just gather it and pop it on the side so I can put it in the bin at the end. That's what I do too. Yeah, no, I gather it, but from my ass. No, I just take it out as I'm combing through my hair with the comb. I do it with my fingers. Yeah, with my fingers. Conditioners then, right?

I feel very judged right now. That's only because you are. Yeah, don't worry. Your instincts are right. Right. I go in the shower. Let's say I've done my body. I don't do because no one washes her legs.

Yes, they do. You wash your body. You wash your body before your hair. But all the crap from your hair is going to come in. No, actually, I wash my body while the conditioner's in. That's still crazy because all the conditioner is going to go down. All the conditioner is going to go down with all the... Sometimes I don't wash the conditioner out because my hair is so dry.

Yeah, fair enough, fair enough. Right. I have a very good thing. In conditioner. Shame moisture. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to talk after.

Sorry, we are interrupting. and sorry but I do have undiagnosed ADHD but for the listeners I don't say that as someone who like oh it's cute I have on I have undiagnosed yeah yeah I'm going to the doctor this week I was shocked to find out it was undiagnosed that's what you're so rarely like you so rarely even edge towards rude and it was surprise me I'm sorry no I loved it because you were just so you're like undiagnosed I'm like uh oh I'm so sorry oh no oh oh excuse me have you just pulled out your hair while we've been speaking. Please stop that.

She didn't do it from her ass, correct? That, you should... You should... Could you imagine if I just pulled out, like, a proper, like... In my head, your ass just, like, coughs out furballs now? Like, Stimpy. Did you have watched Renan Stimpy? No, what's that?

Oh, you don't know Ren and Stimpy? This isn't racist, but I reckon it's a kangaroo. No. Oh, damn it! It sounded like a kangaroo. Rennon Stimpy... Kuala Bear. It was a koala.

It was a cartoon from the early 90s. It is out... It was on Nickelodeon. Anyone over the age of like, probably 32 knows who, what they are? I'm 33 and I got nothing. That's crazy that you don't know that. I only had two channels until I was 18. Go on.

It's a, I had something similar. I had four, but this was on one of them. I don't know why my mum of, let me watch one. Weird Sky 1 from the age of like 12. That shows. Go on. It does, doesn't it? You have entitlement when you talk.

Thank you. I don't know how else to describe it except watch it. It was very violent. And one of the episodes was Stimpy, who is a cat, coughs up a furball, and then Wren, who is a very aggressive chihuahua, says he should make a, we should start making jumpers out of your herbal. It's recycling. And then there's one part. It's so funny that you just cut to, I don't know if it's his throat or there is a gland in his body every time. Maybe it's his stomach when he coughs, and it is just shriveled and, like, crusting.

It's so disgusting and funny. It's so insane. Is you saying what I think you're saying, which is that I need to knit Helen's ass hair into jumpers? I've got so much at home in the band. What are we calling that business? I'm being listened to, being heard. That's what I feel. You know?

Would you want one of the jumpers? No. Come on. Maybe we can make them into underwear for your butt. Why? Hair butt for your butt. something I don't know why I'm engaged

It's something to think about I feel like There's something there Because it's definitely like Recycle Reusory Purpose It's definitely like Going along with that Working in the Merkin

It's not a Merkin Oh my gosh It'd be a very blonde murkin It would Are your pubs blonde? Only the piss stained ones Around the like sides You know that we've done this before

You know the ones that are like I'm just lighter Around the area That you piss from Because it's like Just like natural bleach Absolutely not. No.

Why is it the quality of bleach? I hate. How acidic is your wee? I'm just going to eat a slice of melon. Have you done the Gatorade test? What's the Gatorade test? Oh yeah. Oh, I don't think they have it.

Do you sell Gatorade in the UK? Powerade. Right, but not Gatorade. So on Gatorade, this is so funny. They had like a, what colour your urine should be on the side of their packaging. Why? Because the browner and the darker and the yellow it is, the worse it is. Yeah, you want it to be like basically water.

Basically water, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know why that became a good. Cheer for clear. That's horrific. Cheer for clear. Cheer for clear. Cudy. Aquarius is that. But in the morning, my piss is really dark and it gets lighter throughout the day. Well, that's because you've been sleeping for.

Yeah. And I've been dehydrated. How long do you sleep for a night? Um, anywhere between like 12 to 5 hours. That 12 to 5 hours. I love how you went back. Depending on if I can get to sleep or not. Yeah, yeah.

I can either like go to sleep really quickly or I'm just like up or night just ferreting around, not knowing what to do myself. 12 hours, though. That might be the problem. Maybe if you've balanced it out more at like... Are you being a mother right now? You know, what might fix your insomnia? Well, if you didn't waste so much of it...

Well, I'm just saying, instead of sleeping for 12 hours, if you try to sleep for eight, then you'd get... I do try to sleep for eight. But, like, even if I tried a million things, and I've got, like, pillow spray... Don't even ants. Don't indulge this. I actually... I go to bed now, and I put, like, Alexa, play rain and thunder sound.

Yeah. Like the whole thing. I read a book, no screen time, but I can still then not be able to get to sleep. You can be up until 3 o'clock in the morning. Three, four. Watch the sun come up. Oh, mate.

When the sun starts to come up, that's happened to me in Edinburgh when I've been in bed at like 10.30 at night. Are you joking? That's hell. Yeah, it's hell. Are you drinking too much caffeine after two? Listen to yourself.

But are you drinking too much? What happened today? We started recording late today. We were in Starbucks and you went, you sure you want that's got a caffeine in it? And I was like, no. But that was early in the day. Uh-huh.

But we have been, we have had insomnia for a decade. Oh, you have actual insomnia? Not anymore because I had a baby and I'm constantly exhausted to the point of death. Yeah, okay. So it's actually been a really great perk. I can get rid of it if I have a beater blocker earlier in the day. Like I'm really strong beater blocker. Then my brain can't go that fast.

So I've got really nothing to think about. And I sort of conk out a bit better then. That's nice. But I've slept with an eye mask since I was 29, every single night. I sleep with a mouth guard and with earplugs every single night. Really sexy. And that is why I only have one child.

Because there's not enough. I look bad. Also, you're living with your in-laws. I am living with mine. While you do your play soap. Yes. You can't fuck there. No, and it's a very squeaky bed.

Oh, my God. Yeah, and it's his childhood room. It's not like posters or anything, but there's memories. Yeah. Haunting, haunting. Like really hard bits of carpet. Yeah. Oh, God, it is crusty.

Disgusting. Desgusting. I don't want to slice some melon by the way, sorry. No, would anyone like some? And Peter. No, I'm on the melon train now. I'm on the picnic that you've both brought. We're having a nice time.

So, you're doing shows. Where can people come see your shows? Oh, well, I actually did a little update of my website, which I have not done for, I'm going to say, a year. I thought, you know, Grace Petrie? Yes. Talk about updating her website, feeling like etching into stone because young people put everything on Instagram and TikTok

and that's how I feel. It's like adding things up on my abacus when I update my website, but I guess somebody goes on there? I love the website. That's where they got their tickets. That's where you get your tickets from. Okay, great. So it's not a waste of time.

It's not, oh, no, no. It's actually a very sensible investment of time. Okay, guys. But we have discussed ADHD and how upsetting administration is. for me yeah uh in any form yeah uh social media i can do you're actually very good at it yeah very good what makes you good at it i watch more than one of your stories and um they make me laugh yeah you don't want people to be skipping them like i remember amazing adam once said oh whenever i see helen's got a story i have to avoid clicking on it because i'm like that'll be loud she's like i've

got to wait for headphones like okay amazing what incredible i mean i love uh it's fair i've got a lot of music in my stories. Oh, you use lots of music, okay. And you're usually singing over the music. Yeah, that's true. Okay, it's not over as accompanying, but that's okay. It's a duet. It's mostly a duet. Sure. I think so. Me and Jodie Benson, the original Little Mermaid. There you go. We're very good. So what I was very surprised to know is that the voice character of Sebastian. Yeah. Is actually of Caribbean descent. Yeah. That was a real surprise for me. That's shocking. Actually, he might be American and I've just been racist. Let me just check.

But you said dissent. Samuel something. How do you know that? I'm surprised that he's black. Yeah, no, for sure. It does sound like everybody's dad doing an impression of somebody on holiday in a bad way.

Yeah. Or Sebastian the fish? Sebastian is the crab. Samuel E. Wright. I am a genius. How did you know? That should be your mastermind? I know, I know.

That's him. Oh my God. Just a big sigh relief when I saw that. Yeah. You're like, all right. We can keep watching it. Yeah, because people have got a problem with the little mermaid as well because of her voice.

Because, like, she loses her voice and that's how she gets a man. It's because she can't speak. Oh, yeah, it's the same with beauty. But it's like, it's just a story. You've got to accept, at least they're the two that don't meet their fucking prince when they're technically dead.

Fucking Snow White's Sleeping Beauty walks in. They've got no pulse and he's like, ho-ho-ho. She's perfect. None of it is good. Yeah, they're all bad. No, there are moments. There are moments.

Oh, come on. Every Disney film has it's like one moment. We're like, that's amazing. I was watching Lion King again the other day. Sure, but it's not unproblematic any of it. Yeah. Lion King. What's wrong with Lion King?

Apart from the fact that our little Lion Cub is so desperate for his family to die that he sings a song about it. No, no, I think Lion King. Let's talk well. Let's see the monkey. Rafiki. I think it's an older woman. All right, let's find it.

Really? It is in the stage show. It is in the stage show. It is in the stage show. That's not the same thing. It is in the stage show. Oh, my gosh. Refiki the monkey.

Why are we ruining things for ourselves? I guess we've got to be informed. That's right. Do you want to be in the dark? No. No. She wants to be in the dark room. I don't.

Cool back. Felicity Ward, you updated. Oh, few. Good news, everybody. Good news. Okay, good. What's the good news? It's an older black man.

It's a good time. Yeah. Simba. Oh, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. That's the opposite of the problem. I'm celebrating.

Do you know he was the first African-American actor to play Phantom? I did not. That's cool. Robert Guillami. Oh, Phantom, Phantom of the Opera? Phantom Phantom of the Opera. What other phantom would she mean? Not the menace.

That's something like Phantom Manor, like the Disney ride. I thought maybe it was like a Phantom. Never mind. So you updated your website. Do you remember when Simba was a sex move? Oh my God. Managing you both conversationally is very difficult. I would like to hear from listening website.

We'll just go along. We'll hear about the website the second. It was a sex move. like oh god I mean when I was in my early 20s it was like a thing where like you got simbored and yeah yeah yeah and it was like a move that you could do and like the guy takes your calm

and simbers you and like I think I actually remember that they'll be going down on you they'll go simba like Ash Wednesday what's Ash Wednesday the religious thing yeah that's horrible yeah like that and then you go

oh did anyone do that too? I think I did it as a joke to a guy I love that. I love that so much. I prefer that. Me too. Really ruin a movement. With their blood from their bandestring breaking in my really tricky vagina. There was, I mean, God, are we going to go into 80s, six terms?

Yes, yes. I mean, I wasn't born, so yeah. Spoiler, Felicity is much, much, much older. Much, much older than you would think based on her face. Based on her face, she's shockingly old. Oh, that hurts. As in, you literally- No, no, no.

I said it. I said for your face, it's crazy because you look so young. It looks so young. Take the compliment, lady. She's so old. Anyway, it's crazy. Wait, tell me about his 80s sex terms. When were you born?

What year were you talking? 1980. What? It's a great year. Every time it's shocking. It's a great year. I am 42 in September. Fuck.

I can't believe it. But you will learn that everyone feels like that. Do you still feel like 22? No, thank God. I was so scared then. I'm four. Are you? Yeah.

Yeah. Buffrin's 10. I keep going to say like I'm 32 or 33. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's when it starts to, I feel like maybe when you like reach an age where you feel like you're yourself a bit more. Yeah. And you keep reaching more of those. That's cool.

Good news. That's cool. The worst thing is the older you get, the more you realize you don't know about yourself. And how much more there is to learn and fix. But do you know how I feel like we focus a lot, especially as women on the negative sides of aging? What are the good things, please? great question wait so we're not doing

the end wait wait we're not doing the 80s sex terms it's called the dolmio grin oh wait dolmio's in the pastasauce we were chatting about that in your intro

that's so weird going down the women with their period is that what it's called did you not guess from wearing the dolmeo I thought it was called sailing in the red sea

that's fucking insane well I thought it was called the rainbow kiss oh yeah the rainbow kiss but I Love Dolmeo Grin. That's disgusting.

So. The dolmeo grin. Oh my good. The other one was. Oh my God. I'm on now. Let me text that guy. This is.

Do you want a dolmeo grin? You're a bad person that I love you. A very bad person. Although mince meat does kind of smell like period. Well, I'm very, I'm more like pennies, aren't I? I'm more irony than. Sure. Yeah.

She's got a lot of red meat. Yeah, sure. I imagine. Tell us about a burger. What else you got, Domio Grin? Domio Grin. There's one that, again, is, I'm going to say racist. Yeah, sure.

It's so gross, so gross. Why racist? This is the name. Actually, it's, I mean, it's to do with a stereotype of Hispanic people having mustaches. I'm giving you a clue there. Okay. It's rimmed. I don't believe I'm saying.

She's excited. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Was that the new impression of you giving a hand job? She's had some honey-dew-millan and she's off the phone. We will have to watch that back to figure out the three levels that went wrong there. Because three things went wrong. I don't know.

It's just listening. I somehow was trying to eat melon, listen. knocked the mic and then it went through three different balls. Oh boy, that was so stupid. You know what? I'm going to have a sip of water. Let's have a time out. Let's have a time out. Let's have a time out. Do you want to tell us the name of that

disgusting? I'm going to tell you what it is. Oh my God. If you are having penetrative anal sex from a man. Yes. Right. He pulls out his penis. Yeah. If there's any residue, he rungs his finger along the shaft of his penis on. No, no. Yeah. And then straight across.

It's cross your moustache line and that's called a Dirty Sanchez. That's what that is. I've heard that reference before. That's fucking disgusting. That's amazing. Why do you know? That's revolting. Why do you know that?

Because I'm from a town of 1,500 people and I'm 42 years old. That made me feel physically sick. Australia is so revolting. I've got a question. Oh yeah, it's heapsed. I mean, the UK is heat sexes. Sure. It's just systematic.

Ours is systematic but also over. So you don't feel weird, you're like, oh, that's bad and no one's doing anything about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. I'm not up to date with like the modern sex positions. I was watching Love Island the other day. What is a broken reverse eagle? I have no idea.

I don't know. They were talking about it. Do you know you young? I know about a half pigeon, but that's a yoga move. What's a pigeon? What's a half pigeon? Oh, it's a yoga move. Yeah, I don't, that would be very difficult to do.

It's like a broken reverse eagle or something. To watch Love Island. I've never watched an episode. Oh my God, I'm, okay, that doesn't really count then because I've decided to actively give up something I enjoy because I think that the reasons I enjoy it are bad. Yeah, because it was Catholic, you gave it up for length. I'm giving it up.

I like it and I'm watching it. Yeah, that's fair. That's absolutely fine. I also, to be fair, I noticed last year it made me feel bad about myself. And then I was like, oh, I got to maybe stop watching 19-year-olds with their perfect body. I feel so smart when I watch it. Oh, interesting. I have never felt more powerful in my heart.

My fucking life. Those are two interesting takeaways. That's great. That's a good reaction. When it comes to, like, relationships and, like, love. Like, I will only fall in love with you if you're gay or definitely don't fancy me back. So I can be the victim. I fucking love it.

Yeah. And, like, there's something amazing about watching. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Nice. Yeah. I'm aware of it, but I still will do it again.

Yeah. Yeah. But, like, there's these, like, just the girls and guys in it, just being like, but he's the one. And it's like, he hasn't even looked at you or talked to you, yeah? And they just get all. into it and then they find another guy and they're just so thick and the things they say is just like, it is upsetting sometimes. Like the famous one where they're just like, but what is

the EU? And it's like, oh, this is, I am a genius. That's so funny that you took away that you're smarter than them, whereas I take away like a hatred of my own body and heteronormativity and no, I know. I have a great theory about this. Go on. Not this specifically, but what you feel as a teenager, I think you carry into your adult.

Yes, regardless of what's changed. So, for example, I was a very gawky, ugly teenager. I had no way of, I was heterosexual at the time. I've now come out as bisexual. Woo-hoo! In Pride Month. Do you think you were bisexual then but I didn't know? I don't.

Probably. But it was like, I didn't even know what bisexual was. I thought it was gay or straight. Yeah, I thought that was it. I remember thinking that when I was growing up. That was in my head, yeah. I mean, even up until the time I was third, I've never spoken about this publicly.

Hey, you don't have to, but also welcome. It's delicious. No, I remember being single for the first time when I was like 27. And I'd come out of like an eight year engagement relationship. Oh my God. Serious. And I remember being at this festival and I saw this front of house person every day and we like talked and there was chemistry between us.

And I thought, my first thought was, oh, no, I'm not gay, am I? One, internalised homophobia. Yeah, yeah, classic. But two, I didn't know there was a other option. No, I thought you're in or out, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One or the other. Did anything ever happen?

No, no. And then I went out with another person for about three years, another straight dude. Yeah. And then after that, I remember speaking to a friend of mine who had come out as gay maybe two years before. And I said it's so weird Every time I'm single I get worried that I'm gay And she said maybe you're gay

And I was like Ah What I wanted to hear Not the reassuring hetero words I need it It's so weird how whenever I could sleep With anybody The people I want to sleep with are women Yeah yeah yeah

What's that about funny eh Quirky, want to have some hummus This woman's making me feel funny We should be friends I want a domino grin from her Yeah. Interesting. Yes.

But I think it's so cool that you came out because you didn't have to in a way. Like you have the security of, like, a heterosexual relationship. Well, it's still, I mean, it still brings up a lot of questions. You still go, you know, it's interesting. I've told a couple of my gay mates that I'm by and they've panicked and gone, well, what are you going to do? What?

Like really stressed out, like, like... Wait, what do you mean? Yeah, a couple of my mates have said, like, so are you going to stay with Chris or? Oh, right. What? Yeah. What?

Yeah, like they have given me straight chat. That's insane. Your hetro chat. That's really, that's a really weird reaction. Yeah, where all my by mates are like, hey! Welcome. You're welcome. Yeah, I can't imagine being like, so what are you going to...

It doesn't mean I'm going to leave my husband. I'm just telling you who I wank to. Listen up. Thank you. My God, can't a girl tell her friends who she wanked to? No. That's what? And lesbian porn, like two women make out in the shower, that's my go-to.

Really? I love it. We've taught by us, no? I fucking love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's all gentle with each other. Well, that's... Nice to see.

This is the other thing. I didn't watch porn until I was like 33. Okay. Not like, not actively avoided it, just never... Yeah, yeah, you could do it with your imagination. You're a creative. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you for recognizing my artistry. Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you. And then I would watch lesbian porn because it was like, oh, she doesn't look like she's being hurt during this. Yeah, and she looks like she's enjoying it. And they're giving, receiving.

It's equal as bad. But then you get to a point, you're like, so gay. We are! A little bit. But then also I read someone saying, don't say that you get a bit gay if you're bisexual. I don't know what the rules are. There's a lot of rules.

I don't think there's as many rules as there needs to be. No, there's a lot of. Like, I think people who tend to... Never use your language to intentionally hurt someone. The end. Yeah, and that's it. Yeah, you think you can say you're a bit gay. But also, like, bit gay is fine if that's how you feel.

I feel a big gay. That's fine. Like, I remember... There's been lots of those points where, you know, when you say, did you know, my husband said to me five years ago, he's like, you're really involved in, like, queer culture and, like, you love RuPaul and, like, where does that come?

from I'm like I don't know I'm just an ally man I just like because I've always been very yeah I went to a performing art school and it was all over you know what I mean I saw two men kiss and I'm like that's the hottest thing I've ever seen yeah yeah also you don't have to be queer to be into drag so like you can just be like a fan of the art I am and I've but I have been especially for the last decade or so very much a part of um a supporter of queer culture and and when I moved to Sydney I didn't really know what to do so I just got taken to gay clubs and I'm like oh my god this is amazing I get to dance with hot men and nobody's cracking on to me and all the songs have lyrics in it as they fucking shit have they're done with these techno clubs what a bizarrely German specific

complaint yeah like the gay cops in Berlin the only place to play lyrics okay everyone else is techno it's fucking exhausted I did go through a techno face to be of course you did but to rewind and you didn't know you're bisexual and you all have ADHD when you Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I love this. Girls, boys, girls, girls, girls, boys, boys. I could really, I can do my homework right now. I can focus.

So what, when did you come out, officially? Last March. Congrats. Yeah. What day? My birthday's March 25th. I think it might have been. Oh, what?

I have no idea. That would have been so sick, though, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would have. I could probably go back and find out when. You were, you know, I think. I think I told you early. Yeah. I did not say what are you going to do because that would be a mad call.

But also like as if that was, that's so weird. Does Catherine, can I guess what you did? Yeah, sure. Did you immediately like welcome her into like bisexual culture by giving her like the stuff, like the things that you claim is bisexual? Like fairy lights, short nails or the crap. No, I did not. I do have short nails, but that's because I cannot grow them.

And you didn't know you were bisexual. If you not book you an appointment to get more piercings like that. your ear or anything. I have been considering it. There we go. Chapman's your next part. Are you ready for this? Like, as if I'm not by, last year I bought a skateboard.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Do you use it? I did. For like a week and then. To get the girls. Guess what colors are on the bottom?

Oh, is that a rainbow? Oh my God. It's rainbow splash. I'm like, come on, mate. Come on, man. Come on, man. Give her Andrew's gift. Fuck it.

Hey Felicity Ward. Including the website you just recently updated. What's the call to your website? Felicityward.com. That's a good one. The good one, isn't it? Catchy. Not.com.com.com.

com. The classic. Great. Now, what can people follow you on? Find you on. What do you got? On Twitter, I'm Felicity Ward. On Facebook, I'm Felicity Ward.

On Instagram, I'm Felicity Ward. You got the tri-factor. On TikTok, I think I'm Felicity J Ward. All right, pretty good though. Or Felicity Jane Ward. I don't know. Branding. Okay.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Thanks, mate. Yeah, it's really hard. It's really hard. But I'm proud of you for persisting. Thank you. It's pretty good. I'm so bad at TikTok.

I'll like do 20 videos and three days. I've never uploaded, so you're looking at me. It's fine. I think that's fine. At least you're trying. So where, what can people see? Um, when does this go out? Next week.

Next week. So next Thursday, I am at... Give us dates. Give us dates. Sure. Thursday the 16th, and I know that because my sister-in-law is due to have a baby. Oh, my. I'm happy.

So next Thursday the 16th of June, I'm at Hockley Social in Birmingham. Love it. Next, Friday the 17th of June, I'm at the show and tell open air theater in Brighton. Fabulous. Then I go to Australia. Where can people see you in Australia? Oh, there's all kinds of things that are happening. I'm going to be on TV a little bit.

I'm doing Q&A. I'm doing, have you been paying attention. I have. I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you that I'm doing that. But I'm doing a live show on Friday the 1st of July at Sydney Comedy Store. Yes. We have Australian listeners. Amazing.

Good day. Yuck. Then Wednesday. How are you going? Both of you are fired. How are you? Bear Dinkum. This is now my New Year's wedding.

How are you going, mate? Get down to the comedy store. That's actually not bad. What? That's not bad. Oh my God, I've seen you crucify people for her stuff like that. That's so great. I love that you think that that was me crucifying.

That was me telling her kindly that she couldn't do an Australian accent. Anyway, you're distracting me. Sorry. So Wednesday the 6th of July, I'm going to be at Hobart. And then I'm doing a big show in Melbourne on Saturday, the 9th of July. and tickets are selling very, very well. That's great. In Sydney, they are selling like turd cakes.

Oh my God, well, it's a hard cake. The opposite of a hot cake. Oh, so badly. Yeah. Oh, right, okay. I got it. I got it. Very droll.

Also, my darling, if you're not in Australia and you're not in Brighton or Birmingham, you can watch Felicity Awards incredible stand-up special on Amazon. You know what? Catherine Special is? Yeah. And search for my name rather than having to go through all of the Soho Theatre Live series because someone said, I went through two of them and I couldn't find them. I'm like, I'm in the third series. Just search my name. Felicity Ward. I love that.

Like the website, like the handles. Felicity Ward. Exactly. Oh, my God, Felicity Ward. What a great guest. Give it up for Felicity Ward. Woo! Yay! Thank you.