Trusty Hogs - Ep38. PRIYA HALL / Stunts, SodaStreams, & Stage Doors (ft. Chloe Petts)

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

A special hoggy treat this week as the studio is full with not one special new guest (Priya Hall), but also a second returning favourite (Chloe Petts)!Follow Priya @Priya.HallFollow Chloe @ChloePettsThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie TonnerPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Alex PughWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to episode 38 of trusty hogs. Helen, we have a special freaking gress, but we won't give them away immediately. I said gressed instead of guest, but that's what happened. You have fucked this. I know. Hello. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm sorry, that was so embarrassing. You've got your wank injury. You're an absolutely mess right now. The wank injury. Hello and welcome to episode 38. My name's Helen Bauer. This is Catherine Bohart.

And this princess at the end of the table. Oh my God. Is it Snow White? Is it Cinderella? Close. It's Chloe Pet. Hi, Chloe Pet. Yay!

Thank you so much. I do think, before this, Catherine asked if I wanted to take the little princess clips that I've got in my hair out. But I feel like when I get feminine touches on me, like when I wear long earrings or some clips, like, it almost makes me look more masculine because the masculinity like permeates the femininity and like overcomes it, like in a battle. Do you know what I mean? No, I think you just look like a cute little flower. You look like a dude with clips then. Don't what I say, like a dude with a clip? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.

the fog step forth the trusty hogs yeah you're gonna give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech oh it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not We never have a guest this early, but I'll be honest with you, we just recorded another episode, and the chat was poor. So, Helen, where's the lie? Who was degressed on that? No, no, no. I meant the guest.

It wasn't the guest chat that was the problem. It was Helen and I alone. We were chatting earlier. We have shit to say to each other. But back me up on this. Oh, so if anyone who's new, we're comedians and we talk about our lives, and then we have on a guest, but we've got one already. But then we're going to have another guest,

and then we're going to solve your problems. Welcome. I'd listen to another episode first. Anyway, we were, we were, I was like, oh my God, I've got someone to tell you because I am, oh my God, Chloe, I am like the biggest Jackass Stan ever now. Oh, no. Like, ever. Chloe's on my side.

And Catherine was like, we're not talking about that. We're not talking about that, Helen's spoken about this. I haven't been on this podcast for a long time. Yes. You have just done a wonderful piece of broadcasting followed by a much better impression of Catherine Bowhart than I've ever seen in my whole entire life. Things are really improving. Are you joking?

That is an awful. That is an awful impression of me. I think it's really good. Do it again. Are you fucking joking? Are you fucking joking? Okay, not so good there. But that was a terrible impression of me.

I can do it. I don't think she can. I don't think she can. No. No. No. No. Okay.

Now you say, I'm hell of power. Those are better. Well, that was, that was rude. Anyway, I'm a jackass. So then, and Catherine was like, we're not doing it. And then you went for a slash or for a shit, I don't know. A wee, wee, we, whatever. A lady buckle.

Okay, now, it's all coming out at the same couple of holes, isn't it? No, I should, I... Why did you high-five that? It's just like a, like... A reflex. It was a reflex, you know, if you're at the football, someone puts a hand up, you pop it up. Are you just high-fiving an end?

They're not the football place, that's good to know. Yeah, literally it could be anything. Interesting. Yeah. Guys, it is the best show of all. all time. Okay, so I've only ever seen like compilations on YouTube or like clips of it. The artistry. No. That goes into, I don't, like, stop shutting it down because you don't understand it. You feel threatened. It's like when people see Matisse and they don't get it so they

said I don't like it. I don't think it's that. It's the same. It's exactly the same. I know where you're coming from. I went to the tape modern when I was younger and saw the, the snail, the collage. And I was like, I could fucking do that. But it's because I didn't get it and I felt threatened. Okay. And that's what you have with. Go on. Do you like jacket? Not at all. I think... Yay!

Right, right, no, wait. I'm going to tell you a couple of the pranks I've been enjoying and you will lose your fucking mind. Okay. Okay, let's do a simple one. Okay. All the lads line up. Okay.

They're wearing clown costumes. Is it still a lonely man? No, no, no, they got a woman. Oh, how nice of them. And they got in a really fat lad called Zach and they keep putting the slow-mo camera on him. And, like, you know, like, fat is really good for slow-mo because it, like, it jiggles and like a really pleat.

Oh, it's so good. Okay. Like, if you're first. filming like a hippo in the water for a nature documentary you do it in a slow-mo, right? Helen! What? That's mean. The hippos aren't listening.

Okay, go on. And also they sort of pride themselves. It's beautiful. Fat is beautiful. And it's like, if you've got the hippo walking in the water, you do it in slow-mo so you can really appreciate the form. Right? Okay, fair enough. Zach's amazing. He's incredible. Thank you, Gladly.

He tried to blow himself up for his auditions. That's how he got on the show. Wait, hang on. I feel like you're making such, there's so much content. I want you to like it that I'm panicking. I think I need to calm down. So how did he blow himself up? Huh?

How did he blow himself up? He wore like five belts. Do you remember when Jodie Marsh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the boot belt. Or just two belts. Yeah. And that was her old outfit. And we were all like, she's an icon.

And then everyone was like, I mean about her for some reason. I don't know what happened there. And then he did that, but with ammunition and blew himself up and then ran into the snow. And then they gave him the job, which seems like he earned it. So how blown up? Is it now that they each carry... He's mobile.

He's mobile. No, no, no, no. He's still won. When you say he blew himself up? Like, the explosive went off on top of him. Okay. Don't ruin this. Oh, right. So Zach's there.

They're all in the line. Do you fancy Zach? They've got a new team member as well. So you've still got, you've still got, stevo, we man, Dave English, the gang. The crew. The crew with that. Okay.

And now they've got poopies, which... No. You know when like someone doesn't put any effort into being funny, but it's just perfect because it is just funny. Yeah. So his name is Poopies, which is just like, come on. No, come on. That has my name is poopies, dude.

And it's like, yeah, perfect. No. Okay. I've got a really lush woman. I think her name's Rachel. Oh, you know all the men's names, but you think her name's Rachel. She doesn't have a big part.

But why doesn't Rachel get sort of a fun... The best thing that I've seen her do is... Is her name like Victoria? And they were like, what's your nickname? And she was like, Rachel. She's a stand-up. She's very funny. And at one point, they...

Okay, no, I'm so sorry for excited. Let's do this one. Okay, so this is a very simple one. Okay. I'm not going to go gross yet because I feel like you need to be eased into this. You're... Sorry, if anyone is just listening,

your body language, you've really clamped up. Can you just, like, for 10 minutes? Okay. don't roll your don't be a bitch okay sorry rachel's there what's the bit okay so all the guys are lining up okay and they're dressed like clowns okay and they've got their dicks out like not out but they're like no yeah and then they get on a female tennis pro and they're like just just serve at them just serve at them until they all go down and she's like what and they're like gone shannon just serve at them and she's like okay and you can tell she's a bit hesitant and then she gets one square in the nups

and the one who's only got one ball and he goes I've only got one ball you got it and then she's like and you just see her face glaze over. Something changes. Having the best day of her life and she is fucking smashing them down, left right and centre. Probably thinking about how male tennis players get paid more than she does for now.

Oh, 100%. Does he only have one ball for a jackass related injury? No, it was something else. I did Google it. Why would you ask that? The only alternative is cancer. It was like a hernia or a ratchet something.

Or sort of, underscended. He really wanted to cosplay as Hitler or something and really went to do that. That's all so depressing and bad. But they, oh my God, it's so funny. They do so much stuff of like, they go to the Port-a-Loo on set

and it all blows up around them and they get covered in poo. And then there's this one. It's so nice how consistent your personality is that you're talking about Jackass the way you talk about Disney. Yeah. Right, yeah.

But also I love how you got churras and then he shat himself. I love that you also think that you could convince me by like starting with the sort of man-hating violence. Yes. I thought. Honestly, I did find it kind of compelling and then you immediately followed up with a shit story and I thought, no, it's not for me. I think you jumped too quickly. Yeah. I should have done like a gateway. I can do a couple more. No, it's too late. You should have done like the ball one, then like feminist scat and then you could have gone full scat. Okay. Do you want to know a weird story or a weird fact? You're going to like it. You're going to like it. I think that as much as it seems like it's two against one right now. I think it might be two against two. I think there's another jackass fan in the room.

She's quiet. loves it. Seems too polite. Seems like she couldn't possibly be into it. What a civilized, classy broad. I don't even love it. I just wanted to go and see the film. Catherine, you've already created it. One argument. Yes.

One argument between me and him about jackass. In the new film, when they put their dick and balls between two pieces of Pyrex plastic and tighten it so they're flat and then play ping pong. It's incredible. How did I start an argument? Yeah, what's the other argument? Oh, that's too

That's for the extras I think I helped resolve an argument That's for the extras Oh, as far as I remember it You were like, M wants to go to Jackass But I'm not a huge fan And I said, well just take her

That's an easy win Wait wait, wait I don't actually know this Can we do this in the extras Because I want to know Did I not tell you that Oh, fucking hell You didn't take me

You didn't take her Yeah because then when you said When then I said I'll take you to Jackass You were like I don't want to go now Okay, that's on you I feel like there's so much more to say

but M thankfully won't say in front of Helen and I so you guys can have that row later. I'm glad we're having on the podcast. Another jackass row. Anyway, Helen, one. The queen is a ruining jackass for me and I'm sick of this happening.

You get one more story. Oh, one more. Choose well. That's it. One more. Come on. You get to choose just one. Just one.

You're messing up your princess hair. Okay, okay. Just one. Do you remember years ago the condom challenge? And people filled up a condom or a balloon with water and then you dropped it in your head and the balloon went over your face.

Yes. Right? So, Steveo, we know Steveo. Is he not like 50 now? Yeah. Okay. Oh, what, they shouldn't be on TV past 40. That's exactly how I feel about men, yeah.

Okay, well, that's fucking mad. Yeah. Okay. And like what would happen with like Trevor McDonald. Think about it, you fucking moron. Anyway, I'm sorry. I just feel very like, okay, sir. I don't think, I saw him in a bug again.

one, so I don't think so. Basically, Steveo is like, oh, I want to do that challenge, it looks really good and it films really well because they're always got an eye on the art. That's the thing with the jacket's dad. So he has this septic tank in his RV that he doesn't empty for a couple of weeks.

So then he uses that with his own brand of condoms and fills it up from the septet tank. So it's just poo and wee-wee. And then they're just dropping on his head, but the condoms are such shit quality. They're just breaking. So he's just covered in his own shit and wee until they figure out they can't do it

and they're like, oh well, never made the cut. And can I just get this on record? Do you want to go and watch that? Yeah. Yeah. Well, if I burp, you look at me like I've, like... That's different.

Yeah, Catherine told me off burping earlier. I don't know, it's fine. To be fair, that's in the air that she sat in. Okay. Can I tell another Jackass story next week? What we're going to do is Helen and I are going to do a spin-off called Desert Island Jackass

and you just run through your favourite jackass. Can you close your mouth? I really don't like it. I don't want any part of this. Okay, we're done now with the jackass section of the show. That's actually quite violent because you know that she needs her mouth open to breathe. I said what I said. If you close it, she's gone.

What I said. That's what she won't. I said what I said. Chloe pets, how are you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, pretty tired. A little tired. But I feel like that's sort of the common.

You can breathe hell. The common state. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it's also difficult to say how you are on this. uh podcast because helen's always got something going on that we'll sort of i'm sorry trumpet whoa whoa whoa whoa what do you mean no matter what's going on with you helen will have a bigger deal are you saying that helen if you've been to tennar even if you've been to eleanor if you're saying helen bower and bowers people

is that what you're saying no don't you're saying helen bower and bowers you can't say that you can't say that i've literally just brought that material out the vault as well i know it's so fresh in my head In context, Helen has a piece of material in her stand-up that's about how if she had a headache, her mom had like a brain tumour, which is not... Out tragedy and conversation. Yeah. And Chloe has essentially insinuated

that you do the same and I would have to agree. But it's fun when you do it. Hey, it's fun. So in the last two weeks, you were at one of these, but Helen and I have gone to see two stage productions. We have.

And she's managed to sit nicely and quietly through the whole... You weren't sat beside her for... Yeah, okay. I was like, you were not sat beside her for bleakly gone. And I only said like five things during To Kill a Mockingbird. She was really good during to Kill a Mockingbird. She did think that her mate, Gwyneth, who was like the narrator of the piece essentially was only narrating towards her.

Yes, she's mentioned this, yes. She was. Well. Helen Bauer, we are two years before the jury. Okay, thank you. It is honestly Helen's perfect show of just someone coming out that is her mate just going, this is what's going on. Yeah, that's nice. Check in.

That's nice. Did you enjoy it? Oh, it was great, wasn't it? I really want to see. I really want to see. Tell you what I didn't tell them about. Go on. No, don't.

But you don't know what I mean? The end. No, no, no, no. When we were around the back? Yeah, I think I got it wrong. I think it was. So you tell it. No, you tell it.

No, you tell it. Okay. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Should we do a sentencing? One of you hang up, please. We went to Citi and Walking Bird.

Obviously, we know the Guinness in it. So we go round the back to stage door. We go round the back And the theatre that we were at Was next to the theatre that Le Miz was at Okay Lay Mice stage door Also same time, right?

Matanais, everyone's out and about We hear a commotion We go to the wrong stage door just to We went straight to the laymise store Clear from the ad said We fucked up And then can you just tell it Well what happened was this like

Very like well preened To like essentially orange man with like the most perfect beard and like long wavy hair. Like 100% Le Mez. Come storming out of the stage door. And we're going, what's going on? And then a security guy comes running after him. And he goes storming up the road.

Is this part of Le Miz? Can you imagine? No, Promenar Le Miz. I haven't seen it. I'm just checking go on. One more. No. And the security guy comes raising after him.

And then he turns around, comes back in and then storms back into the stage door. So we can only speculate what's gone down. Did they have a conversation? Well, we assumed it was Jean Valjean. It turns out you think it's Jabair. Because I don't think he, I didn't trust him. Whereas, Valjean, I trust. With my fucking life.

Yeah. Whereas, yes, he stole some bread. Like a fucking snake. He stole bread to eat. Yeah, to save his life. Wow. Very different. Whereas Javert, I mean, the confrontation.

Valjean, at last. No, I don't want to. No, I said, stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

You were a different name. Helen. Helen, look at me. Two. Helen, look at me. Yeah. Stop it. The singing in jackass, that's too much.

It's also my podcast and I'm not, I'm not enjoying myself or having a nice time and I don't feel safe. I'm actually, my wrist hurts, so stop it. She got it from wanking. No, I got it from wagging my finger at you and saying, no, Helen, that's enough. Ow. It's enough. We're both wearing matching sunny floral dresses and I thought we were going to get on. I've got my clips in.

I thought you were going to say something else when you started that sentence. I'm going to be good for five minutes. Thank you. But what do you, like, what are the bound? What does you constitute as good? I think you like it when I listen, Catherine. Sure, if somebody else is speaking that, you know.

That's actually completely idiosyncratic to Catherine. She's the only person in the world that enjoys it when other people listen. I think so. I think I'm actually, I just like it when you don't sing at me or shout over me. Yes. I think that's different. You didn't... The burp as well.

I didn't enjoy your burping. I'll be honest. I didn't. That was not nice. Also, I'd literally just come right up to you to do your hair as you demanded. So it was a bit like... So she came up to do a nice thing

and you rewarded her by... But this is... Well, you know, we do have a tendency of accidentally psychoanalyzing each other on this podcast, but that is what you do when someone does something nice for you. You punch them in the head. Don't you think that it's a comic thing?

We have to pathologize everything as comedians. Oh, pathologize. Oh. I think we're always trying to work at the world. So we're like, let me have a take on everything. And it's like sometimes it's just a burp. It could be a gay thing as well. Oh.

It is 100%. Of all the things that you've claimed as like bisexual and queer culture, 100%. They're psychoanalyzing. Oh, interesting. And they like, well, yeah, well, you know, bless her she has to do that because that's just part of who she is. Oh, you think we take on our bad traits as identities?

No, I think we're very good at seeing other people and what they're doing and being like okay well you know that's just part of who she is or like we're too accepting i think you i think you figure it out i think we've we've like the likelihood is that we've all been to therapy as well you know what i mean when you when you start going to therapy and you've got like therapeutic language available to yeah you want to sort of doesn't matter how you use it you're just sort of flap it everywhere we literally just had that conversation outside but you i'm really proud of you for going to therapy you're working really hard i'm doing a challenging therapy for the first time of my life you are you challenging is that what it's called no but like

i find it challenging so i call it challenging therapy oh okay is that sure there's a word for it you're putting the challenging and CB2 but challenging beautiful therapy because that's cognitive is it yeah well done yeah i was just doing a little joke no just a little bit oh a bit of banter oh god it's tough isn't it this is going to be my day off I am not thinking of when M fell over the other day, I'm never had you both in the same room for the podcast, have we? Oh, no, you were our first guest. No, you weren't.

I was an early one, I think. You were an early guest, but we were still figuring it out. And I remember we sort of did like a sort of, like our annual general meeting about our friendship. Is it a bad podcast to listen to people on a podcast discuss how they'd previously discuss something on a podcast, probably? Let's talk about how you top 20 shows to see it, that fringe and the girlfriend. Guardian and you thanks but mr hey we've got number one and two of the top 20 shows to see in the Guardian list them in numerical no but I did I've rearranged them already yeah I can feel that that was oh in that case you are higher than me but come to me next come to me next um tell me um

how are you're going to edmore fringe with your show transians yeah mm-hmm um do you agree with how the journalists summed up your show oh wait I didn't read read the article I just thought Helen just looked at the pictures. One, two, and... You looked at the pictures of the lesbians below me on the article, which weren't me. Oh, what? That is the...

Telepenny. You assumed that that black woman was me. I haven't seen your show. I don't know what you're doing, you know? The Guardian say it's good, you know? Yeah. What can people expect if they come see you at the Edinburgh Friends? Well, this...

Well, you know, I would say it's a show about... Well, he's sort of trying to, like, the sting out of conversations around like gender. Gender fluidity. What do you mean by to take the sting out? Well, I just like, just make it funny.

Take the weight out of it. Not take the weight out of it, but just sort of make it like, I try and make it as accessible so that I could walk into, like, any room in the country and say stuff that is like broken down into sort of a way that people can consume it

even if they don't necessarily like have. A reference point. Yeah, a reference point. Yeah. or understanding of that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's so cool. Why was that important to you to make it relatable? So that everyone can understand it and stop being mean to me.

Yay! That's really lost. It's so odd. I've been thinking about this a lot lately about how, like, gender critical turfs use the constant bathroom example as, like, where women are unsafe. And the only people I've ever seen made more unsafe by that constant narrative, about gender policing of blues are my masculine presenting

non-binary and gay friends who are supposedly the women they're trying to protect, right? You included. And it makes me actually quite stereotypically masculine in that makes me want to punch people but you're not supposed to do that and it's not a way of coping.

But it is profound how the impact of that has been so opposite to what they profess to have. I do also think like sometimes not maybe not in these specific circumstances but I do think like a punch to the face might do you know what I mean I do ever get that where you're right I do but I always think like you know usually these situations present themselves when you are in or near a bathroom like there's just so many other options that are punching like you've got face in the sink under the hair dryer dunk in the toilet what's like when you dunk in toilet brush in yeah yeah I jump them into the men's and rub them along the bottom of the urinal or Nice. You don't know what's... See, there's a great option. That's a great option.

It's just so fucking boring. A punch is a bit rude wrong. Like one. Can you imagine having so little going on in your life that you're like... Just checking everyone in the Lou is supposed to be here. Just checking. Yeah, like, I'm a pedant. I'm an admin-loving people organizing rule following pedant, hungry lady.

And yet I wouldn't walk in and be like, all right, let me see him, lads. You know what I mean? Have I ever told you that my first sex dream was about Ursula from The Little Mermaid? What? No, but tell me everything now. It's crazy. That's hot. Yeah, really hot, actually.

That says a lot about you. What are you? I think so. I was, oh, God, I must have been like eight or something. What? I remember I was at my grandma's house and I came down the next morning and was like, oh. A good morning.

I'm Mrs. Pett. I'm feeling a little fresh, grandma. Yeah. Wait, so. That's crazy. What? So, wait, so she slugs over to you. Like slurped way over.

Well, maybe you were underwater with her. And, but you know, like, were you underwater with her? Yeah, I was in the water. Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry, got a fucking soaking in a lens. Sorry, Granny, change those sheets.

But a wet night, Granny, I'd flip that mattress. What do you think? What do you think? Sorry, Granny, your little babies come everywhere. I can't believe if I never told you. What do you? I know. I think what it was about her, her, there was her like velvety tones, was it her cruelty?

Was it her boss-like situations? Her tongue-like arms that she can get in with. She massively, she shoved you around, do you know what I mean? Oh, interesting. It was her, like, sub-vibes. Her ropes are built in. I get what you mean. Yeah, it's all right.

She comes with the equipment. Yeah. Fascinating. She's her own dungeon. She's her own walking tension. Helen. That one was a merited one. Okay.

I'm scared to ask, but what was your first sex dream? Oh, my God. Did you have a sex dream about the corner of the table that you used to masturbate? I didn't masturbate on it. I used to just give myself a good feeling, and I could also get it going on Colossus at Thought Park. You know, I don't know. I don't remember.

Like, I've got one, but I'm not going to tell it. Tell it. I don't think I really have that many sex dreams. Okay. But I had a sex dream. Stop whispering. It's not good podcasting. I did sex dream, but I didn't have sex in it. Yeah.

But I went to a room. My dad was naked on a carpet. What the fuck? No. That's why I didn't want to say it. That's why I didn't want to say it. Edit it out. Edit it out. Edit it out.

I feel like, listen to no. Like I didn't want to say it. I hate me too. I don't like me. I hate you. My mommy issues are like they're there underneath the Ursula thing. But it's like buried deep enough down that it's kind of hot whereas your daddy issues are just there on the surface

in Michael Bowers' bollocks like this. We need to edit out what you said, but also leave in the reaction because I did the extra. M's like none of this should have happened to me today. I was just going about my business. What was your first extreme? And then you can have your guest on.

Thank you for asking Chloe Betts. I'm so un-used to being asked a question. Let me see, let me see. Probably on. Helen Bowers' dad. The first one I remember, remember? This is quite late in life because I'm sure there were ones before but I just couldn't put a, I couldn't tell you what they were. But the one I earliest one I remember was Odrina

from the hills. Audrina Partridge. Yeah. And she had big sexy sleepy eyes. Yeah. Like long dark hair. Men in her life never treated her right. Justin Bobby. Yeah. So was that a bit of like. But I was prepared to have her in my single bed with the Piero Clown on the front. Piero Clown. They're like French side clowns I had on my cover. It was peach and black. That's very on the nose. Well, Audrina liked it. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah. And that was like your first time waking up like horned. I guess so, yeah. Thanks for asking. Thank you, Chloe. Thank you for joining me as Chloe. It's always learning with you. It's a pleasure.

It's always learning with you. Would you help us introduce our actual guest who we invited here and didn't just show up? Yeah. We begged her on. We did. Can I also just say, like, it's I'm completely uncalled for an unfair that you said that Marianne hates me.

Oh my God. Do you listen to the podcast and keep notes or something, you weirdo? You know that I listen to every episode. Well, who brings the notes? Why did you say that? If she's not that she does, because she promises the gift from pancake

and then you don't give it. If you're not just exercising and you're listening to your lovely friends on a podcast and someone says, yeah, my sister hates Chloe Pets. Like, I don't need notes for that to stick in my bag. But why didn't you give pancake again? Because what happened was

you would call me at least once every two days because you were bored of chatting to your sister so I would chat to her for you and then Marianne would say can you get pancake a gift and I'd be like I'm sorry no and then she's heard that as yes it would relate to me as your friend Chloe

is buying pancake presents yeah but I like no well that's what we've heard well she's full of shit then oh you know that your sister is come on yeah she's a nasty bit I can say it

Has she got a plan of how to murder me? I could ask Well she will if you don't fucking get the presents sorted What would it cost you that well? You'll go the same way the rest of us going With the axe and the pillow over our head at the moment Axe and pillow

Yeah Where does the axe go? Cover the face for respect Where is the axe going? Heads Oh She's not going to do it Her plan involves her travelling by train

Between each of our house Doesn't like the axe And it's like you'll get stopped I'll come to the funeral. Pancakes or mine. Pancakes. It doesn't sound like you're welcome. Our guest is outside and I feel very rude.

Oh my gosh, will you help us introduce them? Yeah. Everybody, go well, go crazy and give it up for the incredible. Priya Hall. Hello, thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon. There are 423 of you who have pledged money to us every month. We're so grateful. Also, we're desperate, dying, absolutely keen beans to get to 500.

So if you don't support us, but you love the podcast, maybe check out our Patreon feed. For five quid a month, you get early access to every episode and an extra episode a week, which means you also get access to all the episodes that have already been released on there. Wait, but just five pounds, like the price of a pint? Yeah. That fuck! Yeah, and there's 36 episodes already up there that you probably haven't listened, that you haven't listened to. And a live show from Mac as well.

also oh my god it's a it's a bloody deal it's a bargain get on there thank you for supporting us we really are very grateful do I speak too fast no it's hot I'm hyped because I didn't know Priya was queer was queer so I'm just had a nice chat with Priya but now we need to flag off I feel like we're all in very different energy spaces right now I'm hyped because I didn't know Priya was queer so I'm just hyped about that That's how I like to start every podcast. Be like, hey, just so you know. Yeah, you're also wearing like a very queer dress.

I hope you don't mind me saying. It's like... Okay, no, stop. That's just a dress. No, it's not. There's no way you can claim that as a queer thing. That's for fat lasses. That dress is invented for fat lasses.

It's, no, first of all, deep pockets, square neckline and the loose sleeve, please. That is queer as fuck. What's this then? That's a straight girl dress. But if Priya was wearing it? No, that would be like... Flop! With the same side.

Flop! That's where I'm at. You're livid because Neal's had a row with you. Basically, it was only because you were just drinking sparkling water. Like, right. He has a soda stream. Yeah.

Don't we all? He moves in with me. Right. Then we have a soda stream. Are we following? Correct. Yes. Bear with me.

We have a soda stream. Right. If you live in the kitchen, then you do. He moves in. We use it. It finishes. And I go, I'll get the next guest.

bottle because I have to get new gas from my side of stream so I got the new gas where do we get the new gas from Argos we live close to an Argos it finishes again

and he goes no stop she keeps giving out her address on this thing no okay you don't need to whisper it come on I told her though

yeah okay good did you get it in Camberwell yeah okay there we go and basically In that Argos you can replenish them

And you can get them swapped out Like the recycling thing It finishes again And he goes Well I'm not doing it And I go Are you fucking kidding me He's like

You actively use more of the gas than I do There is no way to prove that And now it's a stalemate And they're just sitting on the counter empty And neither of us are doing anything Even though it's 100% his job And then I was like We're Udian today

And he's like probably a good day To do the gas bowls And he went I don't know I might drive to bath to see mummy Fuck he'll drive to bath To get out of doing it He's a fucking nasty bastard They're recyclable.

If I bring my old one to Argos, what happens? They, they, you get a discount off the new bottle. Why are you focusing on recycling? I need to replace mine. You've just been wrong. Accused Sunil of going to see his mother to get out of. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And also went to cuddy him last night because I didn't see him all day yesterday. I asked the consent. I was like, I'm coming in for a cuddy. He went no and I was like, didn't hear it. You know when it's like, if they're enunciated, it doesn't count. Which is the most, I mean, horrendous if you use that at a court of floor. Like she didn't enunciate, but he wasn't clear. So I went in for the cuddy and then he

went, no, my shoulder hurts, which is a new one for me. And I was like, oh, okay. And I was like, how did you hurt your shoulder? He was like, sitting in the car. There's no way. He's just lying to me now. Maybe driving for too long could hurt your shit. Yeah. He wasn't driving. He was sitting in a car to a filming job and then get picked up and driven back in London. Okay, that's not right. That's not right. I want to go back to the soda stream. Yeah, please. Do you, you said there's no way of proving that you use all the gas, but do we know that you're using all the gas? Sometimes to add an affection to a conversation

I'm having in the kitchen to him, I will use the gas as like a noise. No. What noise does it make? Like, I'll be like, like, oh, is the kettle boiling or am I just on fire? Or something like that, a bit of banter. Or if I want to do like, I love.

It doesn't even make sense. But no, I love stars. I'm icing myself at home as well. Like tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Celine Dion. And then I like, I run around. He hates it. It feels like you should replace the guy. But I think we drink the same amount of water.

And he is benefiting from the humour. Oh, you think your humor is as important as hydration. As fundamental as water. Coming from two comedians. Okay, yeah. Talk is how out of the job, ladies. I don't think it's fundamental to people's well-being. Okay, whatever, fine.

I do think you should replace it. Either way, if one of you messaged him and ask him to do it because he's not listening to me. No, I would have to message him and say, I think you should replace it, especially because he bought the soda stream. Yeah.

I bought the last one. If that soda stream breaks, are you going to buy the next one? Why are you doing that? I don't know. I don't know why I won't so invest in. Also, he bought three new knifies, okay, which I'm not allowed to use.

It's because you call them knifies. No, he calls them knifies because he's got his main knifie, the threatening knife. Okay. Knifey-knifie. And now he's got new knifies. Do you have any knife these?

I've got like a, it's like a, it's lovely it is, Priya. It's, um, dinnerware set, iridescent pink and purple and it shimmers in the light. That does sound like, it's lovely. But why can't you use that? Because it don't cut. And just sharpen it. It's like, just a, it's an eating knife. Don't you have a knife sharp?

No, like a, like a knife. Oh, it's a butter knife. Like a, like a, like if you're having, just a, like a knife. You don't have. Yeah, like a food knife. You don't have a regular cutting knife. Cineil has it. and now he's got more.

And your problem is that he's just saying you can only use one of them? Yeah. That seems reasonable. They're all his. What did you do to that original knife? I don't know. Also a good question. I think he just wants more knives in his life, which makes me worried. Do you use it frequently for things that you shouldn't? Last time didn't you tell us that you used it to open a package of his

that he said not to open? Well, that was package knifie. Oh, how many knives are in your box? That's a Stanley knife. It's a Stanley knife. That's a Stanley knife. He's not allowed to use when he's not in. Yeah, also fair. They're very strong rules around package knifie

because I do get very excited. The blade, have you seen these knives? They're amazing. Yeah, yeah. And the blade like shoots out. I don't trust you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen you hurt yourself off many a blunch thing.

I don't want you near a knife. I walked that earlier, didn't I am? Walking to the air conditioning unit outside. Oh my God. Just boom. Is that why it's so warm in you? It was at the same time I was trying to defend myself for not having ADHD to someone who was accusing me.

of having ADHD. I thought I have ADHD. Out. But Priya, you were just somewhere, look at me segueing from something warm from this warm room to your warm holiday. You were on holiday. Where'd you go?

I went to Corfu. Oh my good. Was it nice? It was lovely. I went to Corfu instead of going to Edinburgh because I know how to spend my money. You know what? That makes me so depressed

because, yeah, Edinburgh's insanely expensive. Yeah, go on holiday instead. We need you to go on a holiday. It's better for you. Why? You work so hard. all the time I think a break would be fuck

because you were talking about that a while ago about you sound like my mom and my therapist and my friends and partners I know

I'm talking about going by yourself somewhere for a little bit I think I will I find it really hard though to take time off work I know

really hard that's why you've got to go far to like a distant island and then I did work throughout the entire holiday yeah

did you yeah but at least you were working somewhere else yeah it was nice on a balcony going out

for dinner every evening in a way made me feel like more okay about going on holiday if I'm like I could work there yeah there's Wi-Fi they have Wi-Fi everywhere now okay I took my notepads with me on the holiday Croatia okay France was drawing and I was like writing stuff out like I did one afternoon where she was like down by the pool and I was like I'm just gonna do some emails and just hang out and read upstairs I can get into that okay but I don't mind doing it because sometimes I find it more stressful to know stuff's piling up yeah exactly so then I can do it and then I can

have a really nice evening that sounds like one of us is as well. No. No, I think it's very healthy to make your own. But nobody else's help. It is like saying, but you could go somewhere like that's a good idea. Like go to an island and then...

Even as we did that, I was checking, do I have an email? Sorry. That's so mad, isn't it? That's really bad chat. Just talking about admin, maybe you want to check my emails. Okay, so you had a lovely holiday.

Yes. You're addicted to work. Addicted to work. But isn't... But what's really sad is that you said before we started recording that there's no way you could afford or justify the cost of Edinburgh to play around. which is so shit because that's literally

what the arts festival is meant to be for. It's meant to be where you develop, where you grow, where you try things. But now you can only go there when you're like, the product is ready for production. Yeah. Or display, like. Yeah, that's it.

I would love to like do the same show every day for a month and like make it better and work on it. Yeah. I want to work on it at the cost of 10 grand. It's insane, isn't it? It's horrendous. I will do it one day, but only when I don't want to go on holiday anymore.

I love the fringe so much, but it's not. We both come at this from a lot of privilege as we both won the Pleasance Reserve thing the year before we did an hour so we got to do Edinburgh for free where we got paid. Yeah.

So we had an extra year. So then we went into our debut we hadn't paid for it leading up to it which is a part of the problem. It's a massive thing. But only four people get to do that every year. Yep. The Pleasant Reserve is one reason

I've gone to the fringe and the only other reason I could go as much as I have gone and I still can't believe it as I say it out loud is my friend's mom lets me stay with her. Oh. it's so nice as well for the whole month like I can't stress enough how much I would never have been able to go the first year I went I flyered and I teched for shows and I did 60 gigs which was more gigs than I'd ever done in comedy at that point I've been doing comedy for like seven months I'll take a holiday my god I'm just saying the point is like I got to play and use it for what it's supposed to be for because of those things but yeah it's such and also what it fucks me off by the fringe is sorry if this sounds like really admin or really um industry folks

but like I think from the outside you can be like that's an amazing creative experience but actually everybody gets paid except us like everyone yeah I literally was saying this day everyone at an arts festival everyone makes money apart from the artist yeah only component you actually need yeah like it's so painful it's so I'm really excited I'm doing monkey barrel and we get to have a bucket which is so exciting so you can ask for cash at the end but I I don't know it's all just so depressing but anyway sorry you're missing it and glad you got to go to Greece I was just you're just thinking you must be a really good house guest to stay with someone for a month and then get invited back. I don't know anyone who could. Well, the first thing to say is at the fringe, I'm barely at the house, right? So there's that. She's also a really good house guest. I don't know. Fresh flowers. Fresh flowers. But she won't let me pay her. So like, what do I'm supposed to do except bring flowers? She doesn't charge you anything? No, she's the kindest woman in the world. She's like a patron of the arts. It is your best friend's mom, isn't it? Like, yes. And it will remain as such.

Georgie has my undying loyalty forever, forever. Oh my God, but I am. I'm so, so lucky. I think I'm a good house guest in that I, um... You're a good house guestful stop. I don't know like that, but I'm very grateful. I don't think you could be... I don't take it for granted, I don't think.

You don't leave any skitties. Ew, no, Jesus. Ever, you've never striped up a towel, I don't think. What, no, what are you talking about? Striping up a towel. No, I know what you mean, but what would I do that? Jesus. Striping.

Striping suggests more than one. Like a strike. Yeah. Yeah, it really does. Why? Why? You're also saying that all the, are all the comedians in gay Wales, in Wales gay?

Not all the comedians in Wales. That was a bold claim that I made with no. I love a jump. You made a jump, yeah. Yes. That's what I'm going to choose to. Amazing. God, I didn't know this about Wales and now I know.

How exciting. I don't ever think of Wales as particularly guy. I've heard your Welsh accent on this podcast. It's good, isn't it? No. No. Do you speak Welsh? Yes.

Pam! Pam? Is she trying to come back? Ah, pee? No, I don't speak well. But I know basics. Why don't you think it's good? Because it's bad.

There's not much more to be said. Do it. Her Irish accent is also terrible. Oh, I feared. Yeah, really bad. No, I speak like, okay, so I can just do like a little Welsh accent, which is just sort of like, I don't know. We just got to, right. Hi, my name's Helen and I'm from Panath.

Okay, that was quite good. That was quite good. What? You folded so fast. I can do pen up. I can do such a short sentence. Okay, well then I will just keep talking with like a slight Welsh accent

and then you'll just see what you think by the end of it. It's actually pretty good now. I can actually do. It's creeping me out. That's really, have you been practising? No, but I've got family in South Wales.

Oh. Yeah. Wow. I take it all back. You turned so fast. You were like, you came in so strong. I've heard it before and I'm... Well, I will do a send-up one

for the sake of the podcast. Like a proper, like, oh, my name's Helen. I'm from the valleys. Oh, what am I like? There was a girl at school who put a kick cat up a vagina and we called a Kit Kat, like that sort of stuff.

But like... Did that happen? In Wales, yeah. Who were? Why is that such a Welsh specific... Do you think that's what Welsh people do? No, because all my best mates is from Wales.

And that was someone at her own kids. No, someone at her school there. She... What? Falking a kicker? No, no, like a chanko. Okay. Okay.

Like a chunky. And they called a click cat, which I think is arguably great. Clit cat, come on, it's beautiful. Clit cat's very good, do you very fair. I could not do West Wales, the Abadis, but that's very specific. Yeah, to be fair, I can't. Am, like bouncy. Yeah.

That's different. You live in Wales, but do comedy from there. I do. I live in Cardiff. Is there a big comedy scene in Wales? Do you what? There isn't, at the minute, there was before the pandemic and then all of our, like, independent venues. It's closed down, but it's coming back.

But also Cardiff's like linked to everything else. Yeah, like Bristol's got so much in it too. Oh my God, so busy. You just wrote a television show. Yeah. It's great. Thank you. Is there going to be more?

There's a, we got a radio series. I saw this. I was literally like. So they were like, no more of this on screen, but put it on radio. So yeah, that should be coming out. I want to say later this month, but I don't know the dates because no one trusts me with anything. That's amazing. hate that when people don't tell you when stuff is coming out

because it's like we can tell us and we will not deal with it that way. What should people be listening out for? It's on BBC Radio Wales. It's called Bina Anamaret. It was written by me, Pravanya Pillay, who's wonderful, and Sarah Breeze, who's also wonderful. Yes. I know Sarah Breeze? Yeah. Fucking sick. So, yeah, it's good. I mean, I just said it was good. There is no proof of that.

You've got to back yourself. Like, we say everything we've ever done is good. We say this podcast is good. I don't actually. Whenever people tell me, I don't. Listen, everyone who says it to me is like, I listen to your podcast when they come to my shows and I'm like, why, we're such a hard listen. That's amazing. We're like a migraine ready to happen.

But you listen to the podcast. What do you like about it? Are you actually asking the phrase? I will say this. If you're driving back from a gig and you're very tired, nothing will wake you up like the sound of Helen Bauer screaming, Catherine Bohart trying to stop him.

You're very good. Catherine Bohart shouting, do you have consent at you? Do you want to know what size your boobs are? Do you actually? Oh my God. Wait, Helen, practice now. Do I have your consent?

You do. She really gets in. You don't have to wear a wire, but good for you. She really gets. Oh, so rude. So rude. Oh, they're lovely. I can't believe I didn't know you were queer.

That's interesting. Intense. Yeah. I'm 30 or 32C, but I can't decide. 32C. Should you spot on? Yeah. Damn it, 2C.

32C! Oh, she should have stopped on my guns. Yeah. Bang on. Oh my God, that was impressive. Mashed it. Love the size. Really fits your shape.

Thank you. You've never said that to anybody else, which is actually quite savage to our other guests. No, no, not of them do, but like those boobs are like, they're bang on. But also, you don't have to be, you don't have to be wearing a while if you don't want to, by the way. Look, I didn't plan my day very well. I woke up at 7. 7 a.m. Through something all. To come to London? No, I had a thing this morning where I was

interviewing people in the Welsh language actually. Wow. And I did that in a diorch. Oh my god, do you know so much Welsh? Dioc. What does that mean? How do you know so much Welsh? I've got family and wealth. Helen's also a... Some of them are. I know them men. Helen's also an incredible linguist who picks up most languages if she's around it for a long time. He is really, really good. Because you know German, right? Yavoy. But she picked it up just from going there. Was it? Genuinely, what are your family members who speak Welsh? Oh, well, Professor John Hines, who works at the University of Cardiff?

I mean, I did go to the University of Cardiff, but I don't know John. No, he worked in, like, fucking Saxon brooches. No, that wasn't. An archaeology. Although my friend did do archaeology, and she probably knows him. She will know him. Professor John Hines. A lovely man, very kind.

Should you be listening full names of your... Sadd, Professor John Hines, he's been on time team. Cardiff University. Been on Time Team? Yeah, he went on Time Team a couple of times. He didn't say he was a celebrity, that's crazy. He is so famous. And then one time, little Time Team anecdote here, I was working at the Marriott Hotel in Berlin.

Go on. Serving my table. And they were like, oh, there's an English line tonight. Helen, you can do them. And I was like, perfect. I've got all the chat, as well as the language skills. Let's go. I can go for it.

It was fucking, is it Tony Robbins? Oh my God. Really? Boldrick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He, him and his, like, documentary crew were doing a documentary at, like, Saxonhausen, you know, the first death camp. Oh, my gosh.

It's like, it's, um, Saxonhausen house and it's always got a dark turn. And it's, well, because it was, it's the first death camp, but it was also the longest running. So I think it didn't stop into the mid-70s or something. Oh, my God. So they were there. What's happening? That is a turn. That is, oh, no, only because they, like, they did a switchy on it, switchy one at the end of the war.

Oh, my God. they hadn't bombed it yet because then they just sort of like said the Russians came in and were like oh well it's already built so they put the Nazis in it and just close the door on them and they just because it's infrastructure you can't build loads of new prisons for the Nazis hello you are a daughter hello are we still broadcasting everyone's got quiet what did they order that's um so they were then they were having dinner and I was like you work with my uncle and he was like what the fuck is happening I'm in Germany Why is this guy?

So where are you from? And I was like near Basingstoke. And he went, no. And you got everyone to like say, I know her uncle. And I was like, here's your burgers. Oh my God. Schnitzel.

Professor John Hines. That is what life he's led. How exciting. My goodness me. Yeah. And he's a Welsh language speaker. But he also speaks Norwegian and Polish, I think. Wow.

I know. Very accomplished. Very accomplished man. You obviously have a good ear in your family for languages. Apparently my grandfather spoke like 10 languages. Oh, really? Really? dreamer has it, even Russian, which is the hardest.

Is he the one with the BDSM? Yeah. Sorry, what? Yeah. Oh yeah, her granddad died and then they found out the photos of their granny. Well, his second wife is the last girlfriend. Tied up. And with a little one.

Even when he was alive, he was just so picked up like him and Anne with a little nipple clamps on and their 80 year old bodies. Even when he was alive, you'd see pictures of. Wait, what? I didn't know that. He showed it to. How about a huh? Oh my God. My uncle. married a woman from Malaysia

from a very strict Muslim family and she came over to meet the family because they were living out there so this would make his daughter-in-law his daughter-in-law, soon-to-be daughter-in-law I think oh my gosh and he was like oh you like flowers and like science

like here's some pictures of a garden that we went to and she was like flipping through it being very polite and then it suddenly went over to like pictures of him and his girlfriend and these young girls all tied up having like fucking and then she was like kept turning and then he went back to rotodendrons like almost like a fucking sick test what the literal fuck have no regard for consent is why agree exactly right exactly right how could she know what it is she's never learned horrendous her horrendous well on that note you've listened to the podcast would you help us

solve a problem i would love to okay great what an awful chat i am so sorry yeah i liked all other turns I liked all other twists you learned a lot right yeah right visit Saxon house in Berlin make a donation no pervy grannies my knowledge we don't know still got time you still got time you've got like a granny granny though what do you mean I've got a grand you have like a personality granny yes yes yes she's like fun she's fun she's got a fun grand is she a fun grandma no why is she a fun grand she's just like super socialist and um spicy she's fun okay why spicy why she's just um one mind an argument with a stranger.

Oh. I took her out for a birthday to Brewsters the other day and she complained. Wait, wait, wait. What's Brewsters? Her Brewsters. It's like,

like Charlie Chalks. Oh, like a hardest star. It's like a kid playground. Can't give her chat lady. Yeah, okay. And she complained really loudly that her peas were cold and it ruined her birthday.

It ruined her birthday. That's you. No, I would just say to a staff member. Did you say to the staff member? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. No, that is me. And then it ruined her birthday

that the peas were cold. Yeah, well, she claimed it did. despite the fact that you were there spending time with her. But it was all over. You're not worth it. The peas and capitalism. Rundra birthday. Yes, exactly.

My granddoss is good, but she's not like hot peas. Two combined. I like her. Cold peas and capitalism. Cold peas. I don't have one without the other. Oh, no. Cold peas can be quite nice.

None of it's not what I ordered. Frozen peas and sweet corn. Do remember that when you were younger? Ew. Frozen. No. Frozen sweet corn, like a little, like a little like a little like a thing to wait. Still frozen.

No, frozen from the bag in a freezer. Ew. I'm not being clear. Try it. No. This is a. thing you're saying who now try it so you watch master chef australia some of the things they put together you'd go oh i don't think so but then it really comes together it's not the same as you

eating frozen video out of the freezer because you can't wait together when you're just having frozen sweet corn yeah try frozen sweet corn i'm good thanks have you ever considered just like defrosting it yeah many times have i done it no em let's hear this problem we seem we seem like an equipped bunch. Okay, this is from W. Have you never had a W W W up way? No, we haven't.

Do you think it's Wallace? No, she's dead. Never mind. First of all. I said because I was Googling the royal family last night. I couldn't sleep and I was up late like Googling like all the weird

members of the family. Yes, hell. The only reason then, the only obstacle stopping Wallace Simpson getting in touch is. She's dead. Yeah. Yeah. But she did.

She died. Yeah. very sad yeah no we're aware um rip i guess okay first of all let me say this is my favorite podcast to date uh we'll let you say it w we'll let you say it thank you um i've been with my boyfriend for two years and things were great until he decided to go through my phone in january behind my back he didn't look over my shoulder he waited till i was asleep and then dug deep into everything it's not in my nature to cheat i've never i never have and i thought my boyfriend knew it well enough by now especially as we've known each other since we were five however he

read through some very old messages and decided I can't be trusted just because I didn't talk to him about all of my exes. Things have become steadily toxic, starting with him making small comments about my past to then having a full-blown go at me on the weekend away for his birthday, which I paid for in full, ruining the trip. I'm fed up and I feel like the last thing to do is end, the last thing left to do is end things. I still love him and have tried talking some sense into him, but he doesn't listen and lets his insecurities get in the way. our families and lives are deeply intertwined.

We've got a holiday booked in the summer which I do not want to miss and he lives only two minutes away from me, which will be torture. Could he with some hogglicious advice right now. Oh my God, 100% dump him. I don't like him. I know there's a lot more there. Is it as bad as the peas, though? You know what I mean?

No, I'm joking. Double you, that's a lot. This is 100% of my heart and free a problem. I think fucking dump him, move country and wait and see what happens. I think dump him really. ruin his life. Whoa. This person is...

You need to go full, salt the earth. Really, I think literally get them out your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she can't do that. So whatever happens, she has to... The breakup... Move country. If she breaks up with him, we'll have to be in full knowledge

that she will see him again. That doesn't mean she shouldn't break up with him, by the way. It just means like this isn't a realistic solution. Lake Titi Car Car about there. Right, okay. So why do you guys think she should break up with him? because he's dangerous there's no trust that i just think once trust has gone which has been broken going through the phone accusations at that point he is searching to be hurt and wronged by you

he is searching for reasons to take things out on you it's done yeah that that you're not going to be able to build it up and if there is a chance you'll be able to build it up it is definitely not during this life of the relationship yeah it might be in 20 years time but it's that for now, the way you are at the moment. I don't understand why he did what he did, but it seems like he has done something that is unreversible. I would bet money that she's a lot hotter than him.

Rio with the truth bomb! We need to get them to send him pictures. Like Joan and Jericho style. I would bet you money. And you think it's insecurity? Yes, I think so. And I think he's not found to anything. But he's, he's,

making a big deal of past relationships they've had I've assumed it's a she that was wrong of me then I think the straight up obvious thing is that the second he picked up your phone he said I don't trust you so like

whatever's happening he didn't trust her enough to not go through back trawling back through also punishing anyone for past relationships I just think is so cruel like I didn't know you I didn't owe you anything I haven't betrayed you by being like also I was almost certainly growing in that

time learning in that time but also just like the only person I want anything to do in that dynamic is the person I was with like it's just so fucked and also it's really cruel to be like constantly punitive about things that like you were never even fucking supposed to know that don't like you're nervous talking about breakups and you're like putting no clips on yourself I just think it's so it's so cruel to go and actively try to make some somebody feel shit about things they didn't even do to you that they probably already have like also like when you go through your old relationships you're never like a hundred percent proud of it so you're paying on and send me a recording of this to play back to her another one of these I just think it's um it's just yeah if you could have a friend like you oh oh I want you to have a you and you don't and it's so annoying because I will not be able to do it okay but I just think the trust is evidently like and that the thing is yes it is very important in relationships yes it is but I also think that like you You're right about it being like if it's something that he can fix it

at least he needs to grow up first. He would need to grow up and come back to her and be like, I was fucking wrong. Yeah, but not in this cycle of the relationship. Agreed, agreed.

And in terms of that, how does she deal with them living right beside each other? Two minutes away is an absolute fucker. I won't lie, that's a fucker. I think that you're assuming everybody will take sides,

which I think what I've learned from breakups is, while primarily, like immediately they might, right, like his parents will back him and your parents will back you. I think ultimately, what I've noticed in relationships as everybody else forgets, so they move on

much faster than you do. Even when you're like, take sides, people are like, that's not really nothing to do otherwise. And also you're never going to get who you want on the sides. Catherine got me. Also, I will say, from experience, I live two minutes for my ex and we shake a day of my cat. It is possible.

You just cannot, she can't stay in that relationship. Okay, so how do you deal with that? You can be healthier outside of it. Are you kinder to each other now than you were then? Oh, yeah, big time. That's so nice to hear. Yeah. But also, you didn't do anything wrong.

He has devastated this for no explicable reason. I think what's happened is he's insecure in the relationship. He's gone in there to find something. Yeah, he's hunting for it. He was never going to break up with her. You just wanted something to hold over her head. But he's looking to be hurt by you. And when someone's looking for you to be the villain,

it doesn't matter if there's something there. They have already done that. They have made you the villain in their head. You have 100% got to let it go. it's gotta end but also like I think you've already made up your mind that you wanted to end

because you're already wondering how you're gonna cope with the fallout of the breaker also W you sound like a fucking great hang I want to hang out with you agreed agreed not just because you said this is your favorite podcast like obviously

that helps not because you said huglicious although did love it go on your holiday take Helen with you yeah go on your holiday why do you actually she needs Catherine you need a holiday

yeah that's true I'll come on your holiday W but also genuinely like you don't need to miss out on the holiday. You don't need to miss out on the holiday. You don't need to miss out on all those wonderful people in your life who you share. They're just, it's just going to be different. And you know what? It sounds like genuinely if he is up at night. Okay. So if I'm thinking about this, if your friend is up at night, so racked and worried and insecure about their relationship that they feel the need to go through their partner's phone. You would also say to your friend, you're not happy in that relationship. You will in six months out of it be so much happier. There's no way he's in that relationship feeling good. about himself and he will be happier himself and actually probably thank you, or at least feel better if you break up with him. And then all

really good and then just as a final option, fake your own death. Oh, I love that option. It's always there. People do forget about it and I do think that's a shame. If you've got a canoe, you can get out of it. It's amazing the things you can do with like, yeah, a canoe all busted

up, put your DNA on it, disappear. Obviously, let your other nearest and dearest know. that it's a fake deathy situation. Don't, yeah, that's nice. Because that's loose ends, you don't want to tie up. No, because then you've got to deal with them, like, searching and wondering for years.

Sure. I'd rather be like, I'm in Peru. I'm a llama trainer. Sure, but in fact, you'll not be in Peru. I'll be back in 10 years time and do the Harold Bishop amnesia argument. Oh, gorgeous. Love that for me.

I've got it all planned out. I love that for you. Now I worry if I do go missing, you'll be like... She's in Paris. Don't worry. She's in a llama man. Don't worry. Don't search for her.

Don't search for her. She's having a great. This is why you have to have an if I go missing folder and we've discussed this before. It's so interesting because usually when we solve a problem Helen will go drastic,

I'll go other way and then the guests will sit in the middle. You've gone further out of field than Helen, which is fascinating. You've got this guy dead. I don't like this guy. You're like he's dangerous. You'll set up for a start.

Before this you were like, fucking get rid. Turn his family against him. Ruined his house down. You said ruin his life. What's more pleasing as 30 minutes ago? Priya was like, oh, my, my fucking grandma. Like, she's so, she's so spicy.

She didn't, she thought her peas were two and she complained. And now you're like, kill him, kill him all. Burn his life. Burn his house down. Hey, Priya. Thanks for coming on our podcast. Thank you so much for having me. I've had so much fun.

Do you have anything you want to promote, apart from your radio show? I already mentioned the radio show. Mm-hmm. I think give us your socials at least. Yeah. It's I am Priya Hall on Twitter, Priya.com, on Instagram. Yeah?

That's it. I am. Priya Hall. I am. Just we, Priya Hall. Weirdly, a lot of Priya Halls. Really? Not loads, but enough that it's a problem for me.

Helen Bauer, too. Really? Because Bauer's such a common sound. It's like farmer. Oh, in Germany. Yeah. Like, everyone's a Bauer or a Schmidt. Yeah. He is an incredibly common Indian name.

Yes, yeah. incredibly common Scottish name so Oh, but you're well. Yeah, I mean that is true but do you know what people travel? Huh! Well, on ships and boats. How many Catherine Boats are there?

None that I know of. Oh, really? But then it's not my real name. It isn't your own name. I know. It's Seamus O'Fennigan. Thank you, Priya. You're going to be able to be.

Thank you.