Trusty Hogs - Ep39. JOZ NORRIS / Snails, Satire & The Sound of Music

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

The joyously silly and very funny Joz Norris joins us this week for the best day of his life! We dive into an exposé on all things Fringe; enjoy a live recreation of the Sound of Music (from Helen obvs), and tangent off in a million directions...Follow Joz: @JozNorrisThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie TonnerPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Alex PughWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Download today. Helen. I'm sick. Sorry. Helen. Andrew's not here. Andrew's not here. Guys, we are coming to you from a podcast studio where a person who works in the studio has just pressed record and left us to it because Andrew's stuck in traffic and it is, honestly, we're like children on supervised.

We've just spent five minutes talking about like a personal issue I have going on whilst it's recording. And then I had to check on our phones what episode number this is, which is 39, probably, maybe. Welcome to episode 39 of trusty hogs. My name's Helen Bauer. This sluts, Catherine Bohar. Yes, I am. We're stand-up comedians. Hi.

We're going to be talking about our lives, catching. up with each other, feeling each other's titties. And then we're going to have on an amazing guest. Who is it, Catherine? Oh my gosh, it's Jaws Norris. How exciting. What a clown. What a goof. A literal clown, right? I know, it's really nice.

And also it's good for us to occasionally talk to a man, I think. And then, and then, at some point, Andrew's going to show up for work, like, I guess, whenever the fuck he feels like it's insane. He's stuck in traffic. I'm like, it feels like you left late. And, uh, yeah. Welcome. Welcome to Trustee Hogg.

Welcome to Trustee Hoggs. Hogs, yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. I'm sorry, I have so many questions. I have an answer for you before you even ask a question.

Andrew was on a date last night What? So for anyone who was at our live gigless last night So we're recording this Monday morning of this week Andrew was like showed up at the gig wearing this like zebra coat thing Like I've seen it, I know the one So hot right, so hot

It looks warm if that's what you mean And he looked a bit like happy and dazed In a way that I was like Either he just has some like really nice sugary tree He usually looks overworked So I'm imagining dazed and excited is It was confusing to me Yeah

Yeah He's on a date The date comes to the gig. What? The gig is already madness because our listener from Australia... I don't believe you. I'm... We stood outside and chatted together.

I hugged them. Okay, so FYI, we have a listener who has watched all of our online shows during the pandemic. There were like 62 shows. They watched every single one. And apparently they were in London, but you guys didn't get a photo together. And they came to gigless last night. I'm sorry. I just think it's a pathetic lie.

Shout out to Fred. Yeah. And I think you and Fred. or sad liars. It was so mad. I don't believe you. Like so mad. I'm not engaged with us.

Go back to Andrew's day because I don't believe the part of it, Fred. Fred's in the front row. No, he's not. Sadie's there and Harold. No joke. Like the gang is there. I don't believe you.

Okay, Sadie, Fred and Harold, can you tweet Catherine and just let her know that I'm not mad? They tweeted me. I don't believe them. Twitter again! Photo or it didn't happen. Photo of Fred by the London Eye

or it didn't happen. Okay, Fred, that's so easy to do. Can you go to the London Eye? it's running to the Shrek adventure. You can't miss it. Basically, Andrew's date was there. And then after the show, like, Andrew was just like,

beeline for the date, obviously. Obviously. Didn't even see where they went. I'm assuming they went to the roof. I'm not joking. And then like, but like, and then all the comics arrived, Harriet Kemsley,

fucking Emily Bempton, the gang, the gang, the gang. Yeah. And Andrew was like, I'm on a date. And then all of us just in hysterics, like, oh my God, where, where, where are they? I gave them the talking to you that you would have done if you were there.

Thank you so much. What are your intentions about with our Andrew? No, not, no. No, you can't do that. Second day. I sort of got all the comments together and I was like, we can look, but we're not going to ask questions. We're not going to be freaky.

We're just going to be chill about it. And then Harriet was like, what happens if they talk to me first? It's like, we'll answer them. Like, I'd be a weirdo. I yelled at the date, not knowing it was the date whilst I was on stage. I was trying to do this bit of material about like how I'm currently wanking to imagination about plot twists in my like theories of wanking.

I was supposed to be doing a set about my parents' divorce but I got so thrown off. Do you think that's thrown off? That seems pretty consistent for me. It's consistent for me but I'm trying this new thing where like I prepare a set and I say it word for what. Fascinating. I'm adorable. Anyway, I don't think Andrew's late

because of traffic. Oh, okay. I think he got absolutely split in two last night. Ew, stop, no. Why? I do. I do. We've seen this lad go through so many ghostings. Helen, we don't know that the date's still in touch. that don't it was last night they can't ghost him with him well i want you to know that if they do ghost him they're also ghosting you

which is why they met you as well i mean briefly yeah but it's about you too this rejection is very personal you not take another rejection i know so yeah i hope andrew doesn't get ghosted but i really hope you don't get ghosted because you're a real drama queen you cannot bring this thing i know this you told me all about it when we're supposed to be recording the start of the podcast you also don't know about like the worst thing that happened this week fascinatingly that was not like it's interesting that you brought up andrew good to that he's a little liar and that's why he's late.

Maybe, maybe, I don't know if it's trouble. That little hussy liar. But my other issue is that you haven't actually gotten to my main point of curiosity. Actually, let's rewind. Just on Giglis, we are doing two Giglis lives in Edinburgh if you're going to be there. Oh, yes, we are. Very exciting. I think it's the 11th and 19th of August.

If you're around, come check us out. It's already on sale. And the Trusty Hogs Live is selling really well. So snap up your tickets. Yeah, you need to buy the tickets of Trusty Hogs Live now. That's going to be a tricky one to do on the day, I think. Agreed. Agreed. But to rewind, no, my actual point of curiosity was, why were you going across London with African snails?

African land snails? Oh, my bad. Feel bad. As opposed to air snails? I have had a nightmare. I've had a nightmare. My life is like, I'm just going to quickly say, for anyone who's new, I'm welcome. Oh, that was so flemy. Did you feel that? It was horrible. That was horrible. No, I actually didn't know why I did that one. I regret that one. Oh my God, by the way, in my show in Bristol on Friday, I thought that there was an oinker in, who was a fan of Trustee Hogs. It was just a snorter, like a normal laugh snorter,

and she did not know what I was talking about, and it was really embarrassing. I was like, oh my God, do you listen to her podcast? And she was like, no, this is just how I laugh. And I was like, yeah, no crazy, same what? That's the fucking worst. I met a listener. Like last week at a gig I was doing in Peckham,

just like a random gig, like not a show show. And outside they went, by the way, I love your podcast. And I was like, oh my God, thank you so much. Are you watching the show? and they went, what show? I was like, oh! I thought they liked the podcast and looked me up online

and came to see me. I was like, I will kill myself. I will kill myself. Hell, that's hell. Well, anyway, if you are listening, thank you for actually listening as opposed to the people we just decide are based on, like them.

Yeah, tragic. Tragic. Jesus Christ. Anyway. Nails. My little sister has a hamster. It's called Pancake. She loves it more than anything in the world.

Yeah. She has also recently, I'd say for six months, got it in her head that her life is not complete without a snail. She is also using the leverage that pancake will pass on soon. Did she ever, I read Sophie's snails when I was a kid. Did you read? What Sophie's snails? She used to have these snails in the garden and the potting shed

that she would look after and race and stuff. No, fine, carry on. No idea what you're talking about. Do you ever feel like you've made up a book in your head then? Yeah, Sophie Snails just then I really dated but I'm sure I did read but my God I'd be interested to see if that's true. The way you looked at me I was like or nothing, never mind, I don't know what. Maybe it's like part of the Catholic education system. I'm like, ah God, I'm pretty sure

No, because only the bad snails went to hell Oh my God! Basically, she has wanted snails for so long as the pet. And then it was just sort of like... Why? They're so... Because she likes them and also she knows that they're like a hard one to say no to because they're so simple, right? Right.

So we thought. So, she was asking, I mean my brother were like, fuck it, we'll get her a snail. I went away to Germany. Okay, so I wasn't free. I was like running around. My brother was like, I'm free today. I'm going to buy a snail. Was it Zergut?

So, it's our toil. It's for Eigentech toil. I don't know what that means. That's very scary. Okay, it was good. Yeah, nice time. I'm so glad. It was great.

Amazing. The snail, he orders. What happened is he either ordered four or four just showed up, and he's not sure what happens. They threw in three free snails. Or one of the snails, who's now called donkey, gave birth. That's such a great name. Excuse me, what? Gave birth on the way to arriving at TEDs.

my brothers. Do they don't lay eggs? They just give birth? This is the thing. We've now done our research. Turns out snails have cunts and dicks. No. And I'm actually panicking.

They're self-fertilizing. They can have up to a thousand eggs a month. They can self-fertilize. What are you talking about? Basically, I've given Marianne 4,000 snails by Christmas. No. But she already knew there were four snails after I found this out. So I can't arrive with one.

because then that's the end of me, right? So she's now got four snails. Donkey, we think, is the mum. And then there's three others. There's Gollum, Curry and Helen. Which I'm not okay with either. Like, she's been messaging for like a month being like, Helen, be upset if I call snail, Helen, a cute little thing.

And then this is the thing. Helen, the snail. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. No, I'm all, pause, pause. Those names are fucking phenomenal. Shout out to Marianne. what incredible naming power. I named donkey because she rung me up crying

because she found a snail online she really liked that was called Shrek and she was really upset because she didn't want a copy. That's amazing. But truly, I'm in awe of those names. Like, they are excellent. But to go back,

you've brought her potentially four snails that were maybe one when they were even first paid for? Chances are higher. And you're saying, so is she prepared to let free? So I said, because Curry, Helen and Gollum,

won't be ready to breed until December time. Are those three people, three things she hates? No, Gollum is after my brother. Because she's like, it's a little winty thing. It's so gross. Okay. And then curry, she just likes curry.

Sure. Listen, great. Who doesn't? And then Helen. And what's awful is like my dad and my sister have already had like three phone calls about the snail Helen who apparently eats everything and just says in a cave. And he's like, just said she's got a healthy appetite like, oh, Helen. It's like, no, no.

I'm also not competing with the snail for like attention. Also not being body shamed vicariously. Like, what's happening? Yeah, I'm good. Thank you, Nick. And also apparently Helen's the only snail that doesn't sit on the roof. And it's like, oh, I don't like, why is Helen being bullied? Yeah, that's very odd. Also, what the rest of them do it up there?

Hang on, rewind. So, is she prepared to let them out in the garden if they... Well, I'm going to say is if you want a snail, you come to me first. Yeah, don't buy from anybody or any other vendors. I have a plethora of snails. No, they are African land snails. Right. Well, I think they are.

God knows what Ted order. look like just snails as far as I'm concerned. They look the same as regular snails. Aren't they meant to be huge? They grow to the size of your palm and that's where she wants them to get big enough and strong enough that pancake can meet them. Is that how she wants pancake to die?

No, because pancake, we don't, this is another thing as well. Turns out some snails are poisonous. We don't know what we've given her. It's just, it's an absolute. Nobody wanted to Google before they gave these to her? I think we all had intentions to. Everybody meant to

Everyone, everyone meant to Google in my family. Do any of us? No. So she owns these four snails that will grow to the size of palms and produce a baby a day. A month. Sweet Jesus. Is she prepared to set them free as they are birthed? No, she cannot fathom a world where she lets go of a snail, obviously.

So she's already bought a shelving unit from IKEA. No. Which will house them all. No. But it's like there's no point in separating them because they're self. fertilising. So all I'm thinking at the moment is I'm just hoping Helen, Gollum and Curry

they could be asexual. You think all three of them will be asexual? You think that one who's most like using the asexual? Me and my mum chatted about it. She was like there's a good chance one might be asexual, but there's no way you're getting four asexual snails. Sweet mother of God. But you never know. I think we know. So hang on. Well then I'm going to have to go around when she's out

and do her fucking killing. A call. And I don't want to do that. You're going to call the snail. I'm not culling. Because one of them's called Helen. Can you not just put When I'm outside? This is the thing. I've turned to Frances. She's trying to kill

snails in her garden and everyone's trying to do it because they're killing crops. I think we might have imported a problem. I don't know where we've gotten from. Oh my God. It's probably illegal now I'm saying it.

You're going to have to go around with salt. No. Oh. Do I just drop like a bit of sackso in her case? I don't know how it works. That's awful.

It's the worst gift I've ever given it and I've given some shockers. How big are the cases? Well, they're babies at the moment. So the case is like this big. Okay, if you're listening at home, that's still the size of like... The size of my... Like, I say smaller than my torso, but around Catherine's torso size.

Oh, interesting. I was going to say, like, your granddad's kitchen television. That's nice. You know what I mean? That's nice. That feels like right. Yeah. So they've got space and they've got, like, she's put a plant pot in for them.

And she's, like, she's great. She's done all the research. She's making them calcium cakes from scratch, which she's bought, like, um, pineapple ice cube freezers. And she's going to make calcium cakes in each of them for each of the snails. And Helen lives in a plant pot. and Curry and Gollum Sorry, I keep trying to say Basil Because one of them was called Basil until the other day

We're very changeable at the moment Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Then it became Gollum Sure, interesting that it wasn't Basil to Curry Fascinating, okay Very confusing, very confusing She really likes curry Yeah, no, I understand

Well, I actually have all the snails, curry I'd say is the one I'm a fan of Interesting, what's its vibe? Like, kind of coy Like, under a leaf and then just like looks up with its little eyes But then a little bit spicy out an hour? Yeah.

Love that. I can tell you now, not a fun day travelling across London with four snails. People look at you weird. Obviously, Helen. Obviously. And it's like, they're fine. Like, why am I being stared at?

God, what a life you leave. It seemed it's because I've been alive at the Apollo. What? Everyone's staring at me and it's like, no, it's because you're a big ass holding four snails on the overground. Watch out. But I just, oh. I played Apollo last night, by the way,

not live with the Apollo, but I opened for Joe Lice today. How was it? That's a big fucking room. That's a big old room. It's a big room, but you've done big rooms. I've never done that big. What is it? 3,000?

Three and a half. Fuck off. It's actually 3,600. I had never done that bigger room. And honestly, I was fine when I was just looking down to the people like down on the first level. I was like, yeah, this is a shitload of people, but I can do this. But occasionally I would accidentally look up at the next tier. I'd be like, oh my God, it's too many people.

They could kill me. The next tier is the frightening tier. Yeah. Very intimidating. I can't believe. Was the first time you played that when you did live at the Apollo? That's insane. I mean, I did that warm up in the afternoon where, like, you don't really say anything,

but you practice walking through the smoke. I'm impressed. I'm impressed because I really had to stop myself sitting. I was on the biggest beat a blocker ever. Oh, really? I was so drug. Our beta blockers. I've never done one and they feel like they should be my vibe.

They would be. But have you ever had a panic attack? Or do you just get anxious? No, no, I'm genuinely like... I wake up in the morning, sure. You know, like, I have panic attacks. Okay, so basically, it's only easy to describe people who have had a panic attack.

So when you're having a panic attack, your brain's going really fast, but also your body starts reacting. So everything starts going really fast. Your body, your heart stops beating faster. You can't quite control your limbs properly. Everything feels like it's shutting down. A beta blocker slows the whole physical process down.

So you can't really fully get to that state of panic or remain there. Wow. Because, like, your heart beat, can't really rise that much you sort of like stay very present in your body it means that your brain can still go funny but it slows it down enough that I feel like I have a chance to follow a thought fascinating and that's not the medical explanation but as someone who has had them that's how it feels it works for me you have to get them from your doctor yeah they are prescription

here okay I feel like if Andrew was here you'd already be like stop this chat it's not allowed but okay it's an option like I if any of our listeners are GPs could you please I don't recommend them for everyone They're not necessary Oh we shouldn't be recommending them for anyone We don't know shit We're not doctors I haven't taken one since live at the Apollo

And I had mine prescribed to me Guys we're not doctors We're just a pair of clown I don't know I'm kind of a doctorate Oh my god I nearly messaged a doctor the other day On Tinder Heidi's girlfriend

Do you know what I mean Oh okay cool I had like this bruise on my tit What? It was just a bruise Is it another spider bite? No What were you doing

Were you tweezing? I know I wasn't touching it. I must have just punched myself while I was sleeping. No, what actually happened? Sunil bit me. What? Not joking. I'm supposed to see how happy you would be! I was so excited! Oh my God! It's happening and it's kinky! I'm so excited!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Please fuck, Sir Neal. Absolutely not. Sanil is Helms' housemate if you're new. Welcome. What just happened to you? How is being you for... Welcome! Welcome! Tell me about your week. I mean, I've had bits and messages, but like... Oh, it's been.

been a lot. Finishing my out of London tour dates. So busy. Yeah, I'm working too much at the minute, but that's okay. We'll get back to balance any second there.

Now was your balance? 2015? Yes, before I started comedy. I will find some balance shortly. I'm really hyped for Edinburgh because I get to stay in the one place the whole time. Honestly, I can't wait.

Just to be in one city for a month. And we're going to be walking distance from each other. I'm going to be all over you. I'm sorry. I'm going to trundle up to yours like this. I'm going to be. real into your, like in your business.

I'm coming for brunch every day. Yes, please. I love that. I joke. I'm not doing that. But can we sit in the garden sometimes. I love the garden. Yeah, we can sit in the garden. Yeah, where you stay the garden nice. It is really nice. And there's little kitty cats. And I'm living with five comedians. Oh, girl. Oh, girl. Oh, girl. Oh, you're going to want to come over. You're going to want to come over.

You can have a vegetarian sausage. You're going to get away from that. Yes, you can. Of course. You cannot make you one. I'm also getting really good at poached eggs. So, you know, there's a lot to come for it. Oh, you're thriving. the railing So I opened for Joe Which is always a delight He's such a nice man

So you did it at Hammersmith Apollo But you did it twice there No I just did it once there I'd done too What was the other date though? Hippodrome I did the Brighton No the Birmingham hippodrome

That was joyous Because they were like Joe Joe Joe But I mean last night He got two standing ovations on the Apollo And you're like Oh this is comedy Wow fascinating

He's amazing Stop Yeah, it was actually like, you know, when you think, I'm getting better. You're like, oh, we're nothing. We are nothing. Like literally turns in a pond. This is why we need to find our crowd. I mean, I guess we're doing it with this podcast.

Yeah, we are. Can any of you guys who come to our gigs coming up, no matter how badly it goes? Can you just stand up at the end? Yeah, that'd be great. Like, honestly, even if we've, you know, not made you laugh, insulted your family, just get on up there. Why are you insulting people's families? I don't know.

I did 20 minutes opening, but this is what, this is how I know I was nervous. I did like five minutes of crowd work in a room of 3,600 people. It's like... It's a mental choice. It's a crazy choice. Like, it would take like a minute for my question to reach the person it was supposed to and then with the sound moving back another minute. It was crazy.

Anyway, I had a lovely time. But I also did weird. Okay, I did a corporate for Ford where they were like... Corporate gig for comedians where you've got to go and you saw like either talk with someone or do a set for a business. and then they go, yeah, we've done our arts quota. It's good for people. And this month they do it with a lot of queer people

where they basically just sort of like, my dad's sewage farm had Zoe Lyons talking to them about our entire life story. Exactly. Thank you for your cash, much obliged. So, yeah, finally at the stage where Pride gigs pay, how delightful, but this was a pride event. I know, it did somebody. International Women's Day on Pride, the amount of offers of unpaid gigs.

You're like, I'm good, thanks. But yeah, so did this Pride event. with Gareth Thomas, famous Welsh rugby player. I mean, I recognize the name. You know him. He's queer, he's tall, he's a great guy. Be blonde. No, he's very bold.

Okay, this is awkward. Okay. All right. Ah. Well, I was there. We're not sports guys here. That's fine. So, um, went to that and it was a really odd mix of like, I was at this Goodwood Festival Speed,

which is like a motor sports event. Sure. Why wouldn't you ask a 33-year-old woman who can't? drive. Makes total sense that I feel. She's learning. She's learning. And so he's there. And I've never seen so many men, genuinely. Like, I'd say for every hundred men, there was a woman, maybe, maybe. Wow. Yeah, it was, and also very much your type. Yeah, like petrol heads as well, like very much your type. God, amazing. And it's sort of a heady mix between men who looked like they'd come off motorbikes and men who looked like they'd come off yachts. It was like,

either people were wearing, like, bike boots or they were wearing, like, no socks with low first you know what I mean either way I'm in yeah and so but it was a really it was a very odd event only in the sense that like it was lovely and we were talking about really important things and I felt like it was creating

a queer space in quite a like quite a macho environment but also it was in a macho environment and people would just walk by and say the worst things no oh a hundred percent because they had this huge gay truck basically the very gay raptor great which looked incredible

let me tell you but then like just yeah you just yeah you just have people walking by saying truly the worst things you can think of. I'm not even going to give them these out of like the air time. I don't, they're not listening. Come on. But were you performing or was it like interviewing? Yeah, he was interviewing me whilst this was sort of

like happening in the background. It was a very odd mix. But you know what? What's wrong with people? Oh, so much. I mean, the world we're in, what is happening to the world? Sorry. I know this was supposed to be a fun podcast, but also like Roevey Wade. Oh my God. I

I thought it was a joke. when I was on Friday I was like tour support in Fern yeah and she arrived and she went so you can't get an abortion in the US and I was like no that hasn't happened no yeah like the fuck yeah it's um

I think what's mad about it is for me I'm actually weirdly I hate to say it but like unsurprised in a way but what's mad is that like it's not even democratically representative like they've absolutely just stolen the rights

from people who democratically willed them to be in existence. It's insane. Like, the world is, it feels like everyone, like there's a hatred of women that is so profound. But did it come from us sort of getting closer to it, not even equality, but closer to it? And just because we got closer to it, they panicked and had to take something else away.

Oh, I think so. I do think it's a reaction to, yeah, us achieving more liberty. it's horrifying and I don't it's not funny but I do just want to be like if you felt like ass over the weekend or you still feel like ass I think that's actually fine and normal like I think

if you read that news and we're just like cool well that's normal you'd be like what and go get an abortion because there's people that can't you know what I mean like you just like fucking rack them up because you never know when they're going to be taken away from them get in the queue get them while they're hot get them while they're hot

oh my God Andrew's still not here. I know. I know like a poignant chat and then like Andrew's still not here. You thought it was poignant that you were like, get your abortions when he can. It's an option. You're not wrong.

You're not wrong. So we introduce our amazing guests? I absolutely think we should. It's a man. Wow. What a bad introduction. Sorry. He's one of the best boys.

He's a nice boy. He's a nice boy. We assume. He's so, I know. I think I know. Okay, good. I think I know. Okay, good.

No, we're real excited to have him on. He's doing a show in Edinburgh. He's so funny. He's a very silly, funny boy. I think he'll help with snails. Oh, that? He seems like someone who would get it. He does feel like a person who'd know.

All right. Everybody. It's Josh Morris. Do do, do, do, do, do. That's the theme tune that he plays. And then it goes like theme tune. And then it'll be like, Helen Bowers on tour. Go see Madam Goodtit.

And then it goes, Catherine Bowharts in Edinburgh, blah, blah, blah. On what? And then we're back with Jaws. What? That's how the podcast works. What? Who's podcast? Hours!

That's not our theme song. Oh my God, I'm walking away. Hi, everybody. I'm doing the last week of my tour pre-Edinburgh at the Soho Theatre, the week beginning the 11th of July to the 16th of July. I'll be there every single night, 7.30, I believe, but don't quote me on it. um tickets are very much on sale at the soho theater website and can i now do a plug andrew yes come see me on tour tickets at helenbauer dot co at uk

jose norris welcome jose norris to the best day of your life oh i know yeah you're welcome it's a lot to promise but it might be is this what you wanted to be wearing on the best day of your life um I'm happy with it. I think it's a decent color. I wanted a sort of a forest. I went through a rebrand during lockdown. And throughout the rebrand, I was, I wanted a forest green type thing. What have you rebranded two years? T-shirts. I used to wear, um, old shirts that I was given. I was sort of given all my clothes for a very long time. And then at some point I thought, I got to, I don't know, I got to make some choices. Because I'd never chosen what to wear. Where did you get the shirts from? The shirts were most, I worked in a, I kind of ran, this was a weird job. This was a weird job. but I sort of ran a higher education college for French students for two years.

It was sort of fraudulent. And then the woman who ran it, who was an ex, she used to be a TV presenter and she'd ended up running a university and didn't know how, so she just asked me to do it. And then one day her husband got too fat

so she gave me all his clothes. What is happening? It was absolutely nuts. It was a really weird job. But I got, you know, I got stuff out of it. I got a cool leather jacket. I got a kind of a banker's... What's happening?

roof thing. So has the rebrand come with a new job? No, this was just, I thought I've got to stop taking clothes from people that give them to me and I've got to start, I've got to start spending money, you know? You've got to start actually owning your own stuff. And Forest Green, it really brings out the blue in your eyes. Really, thank you. It's all right.

It really seems to you, well done. And lovely. I just bought a forest green sofa. Did you? Yeah, she did. I know, I cannot tell people about it. What if you bought a sofa? I was livid that she did it without conferring with me,

but it turns that she bought exactly the same sofa I have, but in a different color. No way. What color is yours? Gray, obviously. I can't have gray things. Well, also, you can't see the dirt. I can't be, I can't be dealing with every white speck bothering me.

Did you buy yours? Yeah. Why have you both owned sofas? Do you own houses? No, no, no, no. I've leveled up. Have you got to? I've leveled up.

I'm telling you now. I did Apollo and I'm a whole new person now. You missed John's joke. He asked if we owned our property. I thought that was the order that you got. I thought property came before sofers. No, no, no. flat or a house and then you buy a sofa to

in your house. No, no, no, no. My situation, so Catherine's situation is she rent and needed somewhere to sit, so she bought a sofa. Okay. I rent as well with Sunil Patel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had a sofa, you've been living there for ages. He has a sofa. I never

owned a sofa. He had a sofa that he bought off IKEA and Helen's not allowed on the sofa because apparently it's not okay to sit on it with a nightie on with no knickers and leave a discharge stain. Right. So sue me. So sue me.

God forbid I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. The forest green is ruined already. Enjoy your berries. Thanks. But the deal was because he wanted to get a TV and I was like, if you get a TV, I'll get a sofa we can sit on. Because our sofa was the cheapest one from IKEA, and we both made noises getting up from it. And it was so uncomfortable.

Where's the new one from? Snug. Snug. Snug, thank you. It's really fancy. You are not sponsoring us, but who I chose because they break down into three pieces. which presuming that I will be renting until I die

I might live upstairs You can take it somewhere Exactly Exactly And I got it because Catherine's got it Right Right right Because I know she would have done

A lot of research A very good guarantee A very good guarantee This will work It's Catherine's one It's a very good guarantee And you can Have you put a spray on

To stop getting stains? You said Right This is the thing You said Send me your address Send me your address Flat one

No send it to me Why do you have to put a spray on it What does that do? Because it means Fireproof No, it means that it's wipe clean Whoa Yeah

Whoa I know And then you just spray the little patch That you wash But you have to do like one big spray Does that not just make it very Kind of like cold to the touch all the time No no no no

It's not like a slick spray It dries in Oh we should do that instead How about we do that plastic wrap? But that's essentially what this is But could we not just get the plastic wrap Do you want I thought you wanted it not to make sounds

You got a No no I make the sound When I got up from the old thing It would be like Why does this so for me that you don't do that. It's higher off the ground. Oh, so you're basically standing. Then again, it's a shelf.

Yeah. A game at the weekend, me, it's Neil and Francis, where we had to stand up from the sofa and all the different little chairs because we've got like a tiny little chair that's like basically on the floor that is enough feet and we had to stand up from it without touching anything. Right. And then we had to stand up from the floor

without touching anything. This was a really hard to do. Yeah. Wow. About 30 minutes of all of us struggling. That's pretty good. It sounds like three adults trying to do a squat. We don't have much going on in the moment. Okay.

Okay. All right. Well, something to think about it. I think you should get the spray. I want the spray. So give me your address. Okay. Andrew.

Because you haven't invited me over yet. I didn't find. I invited her last week and she said no. Last minute, you know I'm a planner. Yeah. Give me a month's notice. Yeah. You need it.

For what? A reminder for what? To send Catherine my address. I can, how do you not have her address? That's what I'm saying. How have you not visited me? Oh, I can send you.

Helen's address. I've been to Catherine so many times. I'll live there. I've lived there. Since January. You should have had it around. I know. Thank you, John.

I agree. I'll come as well. You could invite both of us now and we're trying to do a thing. I can't after today. Why? Because you've got a plan. I got a whole day plan. Next Monday.

Do you just sort of do stuff? Thank you. A thing will be suggested to you and you'll just do that right now. She goes with their whims. That's nuts. That's absolutely crazy. Interesting. I thought of you'd have been like a more spontaneous guy.

No, I'm a real kind of like. Me too. I'm quite. quite boring. I'm really boring. Oh, that's not what I said. Oh, yeah, sorry. No, I'm sure you're not. I said I'm a planner. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't have to be a boring trait, does it? I don't think it's a boring trait. I just, a lot of people in my life are very last minute as well. Right. I think I would naturally be a planner, but like, I'll get a message from like, someone who lives close to me being like coffee and I'll be like, yeah, you'll just do it. Yeah. What? No way. What? Yeah. What about the plan? I'm planning to, like, have a think.

What plan? Like the five year plan? I feel pretty much every single second of my week. In your five-year plan? Yeah. What would she be like? A babe. Wait, you want a what in five years? A smoky babe. Oh, the Disney Princess Juan.

At what point in the five-year plan does that happen? Is that imminent? Five years. Oh, okay. That's the end of the five-year plan. Do you then have like a chapter two for what happens after that? Or is that? Oh, shit.

There'd be a sequel. Oh, I just, oh my God, that's so I just think. Well, yeah, because then the five years are up and then you've got to have a new five-year plan. Jals, why are you doing this tour? Yeah, sorry. It's stressful. Probably raised the Von Tramp family. Yeah, that would be cool.

Are they still around? The real ones. Surely there's one left. There's been a lot of those guys. There's got to be one, no. Little Gretel, maybe. Were they real? Were they von Trapp's real?

It's based on a true story. No. Yeah. I don't know if they were all that good. Can you imagine how annoying that family would be, just singing as they go on? You'd be like, shut the fuck. For sure, there was one sibling as well who couldn't sing that they were like, don't talk about Kurt. Can you imagine that on your holiday?

Just like, oh, you come in, somebody's putting their, the Von Trapp's, family feel like the kind of people who get up at 7 a.m. to put the towels down whilst singing, do you know what I mean? That feels racist to Austrians and Germans. No, but it's right. I'm right. Come on. Maybe down there at 6 a.m. being like, putting out the towel. Oh, fuck off. I hate it. I've not seen it. I've never seen it. What do they do? Interesting. They all say goodbye to each other.

And hello. They say hello. So long farewell. Oh, my God. Andrew. Or is it within the same song? Yeah. I'm literally, right. I'm going to spend too really quickly. Okay. The Von Trapp family, Captain Von Trapp, has Ghanal. They have seven children, okay? His wife, dead. Really?

Dead. Single dad of seven children. And it was a long time ago. Yeah. And all the nannies... It would actually be weirder if she was alive. Yeah, you're right. All the nannies they get in quit because they put spiders in her hair.

Oh, so they're horrible. Vile. They want their dad. They want their dad. They want him to look after them. Right. But he's unavailable because he's fighting Nazis. No, he is a Nazi.

Well, he has to be a Nazi because he's Austrian, but he's not a Nazi, so he runs away from it. Right. But you had to like... And that's why. If you were a Nazi, then you got in trouble. So, like, you had to follow. How does Julie Andrews? Wow, I didn't know you were such an apologist.

Here's the thing. Let's not bring the Nazis into this anymore than we have to, okay? Sure, there are swastikas in the film. Does not take away from the music. Then, Julie Andrews is a nunnery, okay, at a convent. They can't solve her. She's a problem they can't. She is a problem nun.

She's on time for every meal. She's on time for the meal, but she's late to church. She wears curlers under her wimple. She is just, she's a mess. Okay. And I don't think she's meant to be a young. It doesn't sound very messy. A wimble.

Oh, you know what? They have their call to, it's what. It's what? It's the, vail. It's that hat.

The habit. No, Wimple is, um, yeah, it's a habit. Yeah, but the wimple's underneath it,

isn't it? Is it the tighter on the head thing? I thought a wimple is what like a medieval princess was. A wimple sounds like euphemistic for a penis. Andrew, what's the wimple? A wimple is like a sort of kind of clothy bonnet sort of thing.

It would kind of, I don't think it goes under a, of a habit, it is separate to a habit. My apologies, I think it's for when you're like a nun in training, then before you get a habit. Oh, the little white hat. Like, yeah, yeah. A little bit like

handmade's tail, but without the kind of dog cone ass. A wimple. Yeah. Okay. Great, fine. So she's not a full nun yet. She's not a nun yet. Mother's superior has fun. She's so problematic. Right, okay. How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand? Questions, okay?

Mother Superior's like... Is that subplot? The moonbeam thing? It's a lyric. Right, okay. It's just an analogy. Maria, okay. She's like, what do I do?

Mother Superior's like, you need to be challenged, okay? There is a man in town who has seven children and they need a governess. And she's like, I'm not sure about this. She leaves and sings a song called I Have Confidence. And she's like, you know, a captain with seven children. What's so fearsome about that? Okay. Well, we're not doing a live run through of the hundred.

No. And then she arrived. She lives there. She takes care of the seven children. She brings music back into their lives, which died with the mother. They had music in their lives because they were already all singing hello goodbye, weren't they? Or I'm a little girl. No, no, no. Even I know that's until she gets there. Yeah. She makes them do it.

So nobody sings until she turns up. How long into the musical is that? 15 minutes tops. Yeah, obviously. So 15 minutes of silence or just... Oh, Maria sing. No, she sings. The hills are alive with the sound of music. How do you solve a problem like Maria? I have confidence. Okay, okay.

She arrives. very much the lead. I thought you meant it didn't become a musical until like halfway through. So you watch a kind of very natural drama. It opens with the hills or a lot. Helen, Helen, we cannot. Not the whole thing. Why did you ask?

Why did you? None of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, she raises them. They become a band. Yep. And then they run away from the Nazis through the hills. Great.

I just said singing group rather than band. There's no real instrumental. Like, nobody's playing anything. The voice is an instrument. They're not doing like festivals. No, but they're not like... Is it one of those ones where they're singing in the, in the world of it, they're singing as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time they sing they're actually singing. They sing as some of it, imaginary singing. They sing, but they also reference the singing. They sing things they could easily say. That's what you're asking. Right. I find that bit confused. I hate it.

Yeah. I hate it. Guys, this has been a really tough episode for me so far. Sorry. We're only 15 minutes in. I'm going to have a grape and calm down. But I honestly. can not recommend it enough.

Yeah, I should watch it. It sounds really good. I think you've seen it now. Yeah. I think you get the gist. I've seen enough of the, I've seen the bit where she's around. The subplot is that the dad has a fiance. Oh.

Baroness. And, but he falls in love with her. Obviously. Yeah. Obviously. Obviously. Because, of course he does. Because it's a film.

Yeah, because she makes his children sing. And what's sexier than that? I don't know. It's weird. They just love each other. Yeah. It sounds nice. It's really good. Sounds really nice.

I think I might watch it today. What about the Baroness, though? She's fine. She's got Max. What happens to her? Who's Max? Max is their uncle. Right. God, there's so... You know what? A lot of drama.

It is just there's so much going on in it the whole time. I just got a text from my Botox people reminding me to see them on Thursday. What a harrowing, harrowing thing to receive. Why do you have to go? I don't have to go. I'm choosing to go. Frown at me. Disgusting. I know, right?

I'm not joking. Wow, that's really good. How mad is that? Did you see my friend? Yeah. That's good as well. No, but it's worth saying that mine is worn off now. I'm going to...

How often do you get it? Well, I've only had it twice, but this time I'm going to Joanne McNally's Doctor, Dr. Ewan, who's Scottish and seems nice, and I'm hoping that he'll make me magically... Do you think he can make me look like Jessica Chastain with Botox? Is that how it works? I don't know.

Can you just show them a picture and then... Is it like... Like a hairdresser. I don't think it works that way. I don't want to lose your face. Oh no, he would never. he's such a nice man. He also says the same thing.

Just your forehead. Yeah, he's very, he is very like, let's not ruin your lovely face and let's just take it easy. What's it like? Is it very painful? Does it feel weird? It's less painful than I thought it was going to be. It does feel weird though that like

it's kind of like a heaviness in a way that you can't, like you're trying to lift your eyebrows and then you're like, oh, like if you have, I know it is weird. It is weird. And I'm not promoting. No, it's interesting. Like, so like, you feel like,

but is it the paralysis of it? Yeah. And I want to be clear. I want to be, I want to tell the truth that I have it, but I don't want to I'm not necessarily saying anybody should do it. We know you're saying it's right for you. Yeah. Yeah, but also it

might not be forever. Maybe I'll decide me no like you, but at the minute, I like you. What happens if you stop? Oh, it wears off. Oh, you just go back to normal. Yeah, you go back within three months. I thought it like froze you at a certain state that you remained in that. Oh, bless your heart.

That's my age. That's my age. Cryogenic freezing is it? Yeah, yeah. Like, well, Disney. Or you know in who wants to be a millionaire where you get to like checkpoints and then if you get back to that. That would be amazing! I thought it was like that.

Dr. Ewan, can we do that? You become the age that you will be amazing. That is the best metaphor for Botox. That's why you get stuck in third. That's why you needed to top it up. Dude, it would be way more expensive if that was the case. That would be incredible.

No, so actually what it is is the most effective from when you get it after two weeks, it starts to work, right? Right. It's the most effective then. And then it basically wears off for the next three months. So it gets less effective. No, exactly.

I thought it gave you like 10 years Which is the only reason that I did it Because I don't really like Fuck it with my face But I thought I could try this and see how I feel Yeah Yeah yeah

What was it Were you getting a lot of Just getting a lot of static lines Man Yeah but I think it's because I've been surprised A lot in my life I don't think it matters

Yeah Oh my God I'm shocked It seems all the time But I guess that's because we plan And then things don't work out And then something at you And then you're fucking out Maybe I don't need doctor you

And maybe I just need a bit more Of a late thing there by I got to go with stuff I go up great I don't need to raise this is fine but yeah I'll let you know how it goes

because he seemed like the last time I did a date that I accidentally went to a place where they training their training people did not expect this did I was like how come it's so cheap?

Did you have a trainee do it? Oh not only a trainee but a woman who was like like her hand was basically shaking and the other woman had to be like no no no sorry we're just gonna stop there stopped the camera rowing

she was in some exam didn't expect that either I don't know and she had like popped like chalk lines were marks where she was going to do it and then the other woman had to be like behind the camera like

I'm just going to stop there they obviously deleted that video wiped my thing and she was like I'm going to very carefully in the wrong places yeah so she's like I'm going to draw them lightly and then just draw over them again don't wipe them off

and I was like this is fucking terrifying but I couldn't actually that was one of those times where I realized I'm one of those people who does things I had a politeness because every part of my body was like leave leave leave leave leave leave leave

it's only my face I know and yet I was still like, well, I wouldn't want to mess up her exam. So I was like, oh my God. So I am thrilled that Dr. Ewan seems to be a qualified profession. She'll have failed, surely, that person. I hope so. For sure.

I really hope so. Have you ever heard of, do you know, microblading? Yeah. That sounds, have you? Yeah. A friend of mine does it, like, trains to do it, and then it sounds insane. These bad boys. So they're chopped in.

Yeah, chopped in eyebrows. It's like a tattoo. Yeah, they've cut into my skin to make them. Wow. Why do you have it? I thought microblading was when you did that with the knife. I should say that I did not know. That's what microblading was.

I thought it was like tattooing, but then I went in there. She was like... Do loads of tiny cuts. Yeah. Yeah. Have you not seen what I... No, I knew you had your eyebrows tattooed on. I didn't...

No, it's like they cut into... They cut loads of tiny, tiny things. And then they ink in those cuts. So I sort of like a tattoo, but more. but more of a wound but that looks great but it looks really good what's the one where they take a knife

down your skin oh that's just shaving oh no that's that's a can't Liz are all not this I really want to find a photo

of me without my eyebrows I like they but it's not to like maybe it is shaving it's like scrape off a layer of skin oh those little fuzz removers I know what you mean. Yeah.

What is that called? Ride in, if you know what that's called. I want to find my eyebrows before because I really think you'll be shocked. I remember going to yours the day you had these done, though. Well, that was really, it's really intense when you first came down and you look like, you're like, what have I done?

This is a horror. You looked great and you... They were like red around it and they were just... Okay, these are my eyebrows before. Done. The real eyebrows. My real eyebrows is very blonde, very thin. Oh, okay.

You're beautiful. Yeah, these are great. But hey, look at that. And that's also maybe before Botox. So, what a life. What a life I've lived. She's lived. What a life I've lived.

But yeah, I didn't really have any eyebrows before is basically the point. And now I do. Which is exciting, I guess. But also, who gives a shit? What a boring story from Catherine? Do you have more funds? What more would you do? No more.

Right, right. No. I'm going to get a tit left. Really? Yeah. I think there's a point at which you have to draw a line in the sun where, like, I think if you're trying to chase perfection, you only lose. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. There'll always be something else. And to be clear, probably, like, I also like, when people, I hate when people are like, oh, you don't need that. Like, nobody needs anything. Yeah, you just do the thing you want. It's just, yeah, let's be very clear. No, but no one has ever needed Botox.

Yeah. It's like. Unless it's one of those medical conditions where you sweat so much they have to Botox your armpit. Is that a thing? Embarrassing bodies. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I do sweat a lot. I never thought to get, like, my pits or my hands done, though. It's like a thing, it closes up the pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know exactly. No, it does. You're exactly right.

But anyway, fun thoughts from Catherine. I have real mixed feelings talking about it. I feel like partly like I don't like when people lie about it. On the other hand, I don't want it to be like. I think it's just honest. Yeah, I think it's nice. Yeah, but I don't love that. Do you want me to be honest with you now?

I haven't had a single thing you said because I'm just thinking about my favorite who wants to be a millionaire's for about 12 to 13 minutes now, I'd say. Listen, I don't expect you to ever listen to me. Charles and Diana Ingram? Yeah, I mean, great. The major. Yeah. He was from my hometown.

No. That was like a mad story. And you were a moment to him. He was from Salisbury. Wow. It was in the journal. It was like national shame. It was the biggest thing that had ever happened to us until the script house.

Sure. I just reenacted that scene, the Charles Ingram scene, for question team. Oh. Question team with Richard I won it. I did a GCSE drama piece of it. I don't think it was out yet. I would love to see you on question time. Yeah.

Yeah. We all were. We're always. We're going to be creating that. who wants to be a millionaire. And now? It was such a mad story. For anyone who doesn't know,

there was a major that went on, who wants to be a millionaire in the UK? Helen, people know. There was a form about it. There was a whole show. Yeah, there was a poor part too. The quiz. Michael Sheen.

Michael Sheen played Chris Taron. It was incredible. But I remember who wants to be a millionaire. I remember being at my friend's house for a sleepover the night a woman won it. And it fell. The woman who's on. Judith, I want to say.

Judith. She went on. kids. Yes. I was in Katz's one minute I was in

Kath Sloper's kitchen joins up we were having like turkey dinosaurs and like potato waffles and the TV

was on and her mom kept going and like turning the volume up and we were like something something's happening like that

feeling of like there's something exciting how long had it been going before she won it oh maybe a year or so

but like it was just we were just so excited and then it happened and we lost our fucking she was so confusing because

Because when she went on, she already sounded like a millionaire. Judith is such a posh voice that you're like, surely she already is. That's not, surely. The hair and everything. The tension of it, though. I know so exciting. So thrilling.

Have you guys watched the compilations? What, the best winners? Yeah, the best winners ever of who wants to be a millionaire. No, that sounds great. Compilations of them answering the million, pound, a million dollar question. And there's that famous one of the guy in America who has, Yeah, yeah.

Right. Have you seen this? It's like the most famous one in America. So the last question comes up. He's still got phone a friend. It's a really difficult question. And he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

And everyone in the audience is like, no, because you're so behind this guy, right? And he's like, okay, I want to use my lifeline. Can I call my dad, please? And they're like, yep, what does your dad do? And he's like, oh, my dad's retired now, blah, blah, blah. And the dad answers his phone and goes, hello? And he goes, hey, I've got your son here. He's on who wants to be a millionaire.

Final question. We're really hoping you can help. 30 seconds on the clock, here we go. And he goes, hey, dad. So I don't really need help with the question. I just wanted to call you and tell you, I'm about to win a million dollars. No! That's great!

It's incredible. That's so cool. What? That's amazing. And his dad goes... Did he lose? Great. No, that was a win.

Could you imagine? Could you fucking imagine? Wow. But he wins there and it's incredible. Yeah, he knew it. He knew it. That gave me goosebumps. I'm kidding.

Yeah, that was really great. I want to watch that. Honestly. You told that story very well. I have actual goosebumps. It's such a joyful thing watching people win these shows. Yeah. Have you seen...

That made me really excited. My friend's dad for a while was the biggest loser on... Who Wants to be a Millionaire? For ages, he was TV's biggest loser. He lost the largest amount. He was on the Million Pound question. No. Had, I think, one lifeline left.

Oh, Jesus. It was how tall is an Oscar statuette in inches. And he did his phone a friend. She didn't know. And then he tried it anyway. Oh, God. 32. You go from a million?

He could have walked away with half a million. He could have walked away with half a million when I'm with 32. And he was very thin about it. If he watched a clip, he just goes, never mind. Yeah, 32. I still got more money. Insane. He was really good about it.

He had a good attitude. You've got to have it. I would break the set. I would be for you, man. I think I'd be fine on who wants to be a millionaire losing the money. But deal or no deal, I always, even as a child was like. This is horrendous because it's so random. They make them live in their house.

They drive them insane. Yeah. They put them in a hotel for a month and then they tell them weird cult stuff to get them to believe in it. This is all based on second-out stuff. I don't really know what they do. But they all live together for like the months of their filming. It's like a reality show.

But it's true because Noel Edmund is part of a weird religion where he has to. It's the secret. He writes, he does manifesting. He writes on his hand the stuff that he manifests his stuff. No. He doesn't in pictures. for him. He's got everything he wants.

No. No. He puts it out into the universe. He doesn't want that hair. He said positivity to cure cancer. Did he? Yeah. That's not great.

Positiveity and a lot of rigorous treatment from hopefully the NHS providing it and not being dicks about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Deal or no deal, though. That's why they all go on and they're all a bit mad. Like, oh, I need to have this with me. And they sort of like do laps and they like touch boxes and feel them and use their

mind. They've been going insane. They've been driven. They're in this place altogether, taken to the studio every day where they stand for about five hours behind a box. Like, they have lost their minds by the time they get picked. That's horrible. And that's why it's also weird.

That's horrible. But also because there's no control they have, right? They just go box 17. I've got a feeling. I've got a feeling. Oh, make a stop. They have to have some reason to feel like they know what they're doing. Okay, well, everybody manifests positivity because it's that part of the show where we give

advice to a listener. You ready for this? Oh, yeah, all right. Yeah. Sorry, I'm now thinking about how we do it. We're doing deal or no deal? You'd kill. Yeah, you'd end up killing.

You'd do great. I'd second guess myself. Are you saying, do well? You'd say, what do you mean I'd kill? I think you'd end up, like, killing somebody who you felt like fuck you over a box one. Oh, I thought you'd say she'd do really well. Yeah. No, I think you'd strangle somebody who you felt had, like, unfairly purposefully giving you a bad box.

Yeah, that's true as well. Both could go either way. You wouldn't be in the middle. No, it would be extremely the way. Based on all of my experience with any sort of quiz. or winning format of television shows, I would be terrible. You'd be a very aggressive.

You'd be calling the producer. A hard loser. I was not told the parameters of the question. Let's solve a problem because I feel like we're all in a really good space. Yes, fantastic. Well, this problem is entitled Edinburgh Fringe, question mark, exclamation mark. Come see, Judge Norris, Catherine, Boat, Helen Barron, Andrew White.

Who's from? That was the question, yeah. The question is, this is from, oh, they just signed, wannabe comedian. I want to be a comedian So they said This catching up on the podcast They love the show

And we've heard us Mentioned the fringe quite a lot Yes And they're wondering How do you do the Edinburgh fringe There's multi-parts this question Take and pick what you like From start to finish

What is the 101 class Of being a comedian in the fringe It always seems so opaque Like many creative industry Rights for Passage and Must Do's How do you pick a venue Prep for the show Find somewhere to live for four weeks

How do you survive a month in Edinburgh How do you afford a month in Edinburgh. Is it an outdated habit that people still do because of FOMO, like going to uni and getting a degree, or is there a certain career imperative to do it? Anyway, basically, give us a rundown of the entire fringe process. Is there any framework of how far into their career this person is? Very, very new.

They, yes. Actually, respect this question, because I do remember going up to be a tech for Pleasance when I was 18 and being like, I wonder how, like, how do you do a show? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it looks pretty mad from the outside. This is what's annoying. There is no one simple answer to this because there are many options. So I think let's just go for, how do you put on a show at the Edinburgh Fringe?

Simple. There are several different companies. So that in the, we call it the big four, which are like Pleasance, Assembly, Underbelly and. Go to a balloon. Thank you very much. Goad a balloon. There's also the free fringe and a couple of midground ones, which I say midground, this is not like rank them as far as goodness they're all fucking amazing and bad in their own way

some that are like pay what you won instead of buying a ticket and there are the free ones where you just turn up so there's just the tonic which I'd say so like in between like you can do like pay what you want you can pay for the venue there's um theater venues ones called green something there's green side space the space thank you like there's so many different ones and they tend to be more theater more theater and cabaret free fringe are the best one for like just accessibility and forget like if you're brand new then free fringe it's probably quite easy to get a venue to a client yeah hello i knew i have a show idea and a lot of the free fringe venues are just kind of rooms above pubs and then so

you're probably much more likely to find something whereas you'd probably go to a bigger paid venue yeah after you've done a bit more so it depends whether you want to to build up to doing a paid thing or whether you just want to go for it and do a show in a freebie i completely like spaffed away my early stuff perhaps we should all say what we did so that maybe because that's the best way to show you how much diversity there is. Yeah. The first year I did the Edinburgh Fringe, I'd been going for six months in comedy.

I'd maybe done like 30 gigs, maybe 40 gigs. Is this cat cool? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, way before this. So the very first year, I'd been going for six months. And in that month of Edinburgh Fringe, I went and I flired for two shows and I teched for two shows. Yeah. That's how I got up there.

I stayed at a friend's mom's house, very lucky. And then I did free, I just did five-minute spots as many as I could. And I did more gigs in that month than I had in stand-up yet. That's how I did my first year. The second year, I did just the tonic. Two-Hander with another comic, Callie Beaton. We did that. And then the following year, I did the Pleasins Reserve, which you audition for.

And they pay for you to go and do 15 minutes every night on a mixed bill for the Pleasance. And then I debuted at the Pleasance. And then I did my second year at the Pleasins, Big Four. And this year, I'm going to Monkey Barrel. So there are very different ways in, whereas you did, your first first. year what you do. So I did, I went up at the tech for Pleasance when I was 18. It was my first time at the fringe and where you, it's literally that you apply for a job. So you apply to the Pleasance to be their tech. You go for a job interview and then they pay for your accommodation and

they give you like a work schedule and you go in a new tech for these shows. Then a couple of years after that, I went up with a show on the free fringe under a Lataska restaurant in Newtown. This is before I'd started doing stand up. I was. doing like a satirical comedy play and that one just applied on the free friends. Sorry, what was the satirical? Really? You wrote a satirical comedy play? Yeah. A one woman child? No, no. No, no one woman shy.

No. Could you imagine? That'd be amazing. Um, with, um, Edgieland. No. Yes. Seriously. In 20... 2013. You wrote a play? Yes, I wrote a play. Why is everyone so shocked? Was it Yeland? Ed, he didn't write it. He was, he was. in it.

Politician or satire? Yes! What was the... Can you give us some... Can you give us some line from the plane? Oh my God! I'm so done with this. It was about the media.

Okay! This is the thing. Do not let this put you off doing fringe because whatever you do first, you will be ripped shreds for it for some reason. That was... It sounds great.

It was actually good. I would like you to put it on again, please. I would like to go see it. I do have a script for it. Do it. Do it. And we also got off. He asked to do a one night at sea venues, so it's clearly a hit.

Whoa. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. That was on the free fringe, and I literally applied on the website with my friend Louise Bastock, who's now also a stand-up comedian. Yeah. Amazing stand-up comedian.

And we put it on, and that was, we just got given, like, a venue which is in Newtown. What? I wouldn't give to watch that play. For sure, I have a clip somewhere. Please send. Please send. Okay, I'll figure it out. Get involved. Well, what?

I worked with him. Oh. But then he went to uni with you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then I was doing this. Who is Eddie L'I know stand-up? He's an actor. But I, who I worked with in a cafe.

So before I knew you properly, I was at the cafe in the National Theatre. Right, right. Before I worked in the cafe around the corner from the cafe, you were working in. Can you put the clip on for patrons? If I can find it 100% well. Oh my God. I play like a journalist. Do you say things like, the media?

Sadly, no. You never said the words the media. I must have said the media. You must be. Surely. Surely you mentioned the media. It's all a metaphor. It's all in their heads. It's all in their heads. I think that was about the media. This new comic ripping me to dress.

I'm not ripping it. I think it sounds great. Thank you very much. I didn't know you got in a play. I didn't know your background was. Very, very ambitious, hardworking young lady. That's cool. And then I hate my life. And then I went up and did a year of, so I entered the newcomer competitions.

Oh yeah. I did that too. By like semi-finals for things, which is as far as I got, were in Edinburgh and I did spots, which was basically you go to open mics in London and you hear that there's like people doing compilations in Edinburgh, get their email. Even if they don't know you, people will drop out and they will ask you to just be available. 100%. Year after that, did a split hour with a friend at Just the Tonic, which is a venue where you can do free.

And also did a compilation show called The Lunchtime Special, which no longer exists. exist that's no use but it was one of the ones that you apply for year after that audition for the Pleasance Reserve at the year after Catherine and did that that year and then did my first hour at the Pleasance which was the first time I had the experience of like I had an agent at this point and my agency was producing the shows that year so I very much said like I wouldn't do my first hour and if you do the Pleasance Reserve there's like an unsaid contract that they get first reviews or for your first hour. I said my first hour there and I'm returning there but I also feel like I'm now in that

position which is very lucky hopefully at last where I can say like I'd like to do this and someone else does the application process. But it's so exciting. It's so exciting. And that first year I did my split hour. I also did the BBC final in Edinburgh and that's how I got signed. So actually it's a big point is it's not a compulsory place to be but it's a good place to be.

Just tell us your story and I'm really hoping that's a satirical place. in the men. I didn't really know my, I kind of knew about the fringe as a place that people did shows and I had no idea about the kind of progression of it that you go up and like maybe you flyer for a year and then you do a split bill and then you do a 40 minute thing and then you do your first show, all that kind of thing of like taking the time to learn how the fringe works before you go into it. Yeah. Please tell me you went up and did an hour. I just did an hour. Yeah! I went straight up. I love these kings. And I was doing, I'd done about like six months of of gigs in London. Can I just stop you there? I'm so sorry.

This is not how we would recommend you do this. No, this is a bad. It's worked out, I mean, it gives you a lot of space to learn because it means you've spoiled your, like, entry into it so badly by just throwing it away. But it then means there's no pressure on anything you do on. Because there's also a concept of debuting in Edinburgh that people pay attention to if you have any experience and your profile.

Yeah, if you've built up some amount of, like, you know, people saying they like their work and that kind of thing, that you can then have some sort of noise around your first show. I had no idea about this. So I'd done a bunch of gigs around London and didn't enjoy doing five-minute spots because I was like, you can't really do very much because there's no. So I was like, I'd rather do a whole hour of stuff. Oh, my God.

So I did an hour. It was fine. It did get reviewed. People were nice about it. Wow. Well done. But in little, not in any kind of major thing. But it meant because it had kind of been thrown away and I hadn't learned anything about how the fringe works or how to do it.

It then meant I went through sort of. I love you. And I'd learned nothing. Yeah. I'd learn nothing from that first one. I'd learn, like, the amount that you'd learn from a first year at the fringe. You'd like, oh, okay, that's what it is and that's what it feels like, and this is how it functioned.

But I think I'd then had to do maybe three shows in a row of just not great stuff, of just trying to kind of build up the interest and just the ability to do that stuff that normally you would take the time. So I think I did four solo shows before I learned how to be good at Edinburgh. And in a way, I really enjoyed that because it meant there was no part of my brain that was going, oh, I need to make sure that so and so sees it and that I'm in these kind of environments and, like, there was no pressure on what I was doing. Yeah, yeah. I think I did it the way maybe people did it 30 years ago or something where

it's just like, it's a very traditional route in some way. Yeah. And I think that meant it took me a lot longer to get to a point where suddenly everyone went, oh, we like this goes, like it was probably only the last sort of three years or so. Now you fast forward to this year and we're all doing our own solo shows at the fringe in what we say is probably a traditional way. I'm a pleasant stome as well this year. Yeah. Which is the first time I've done. I did one thing with Underbelly in 2014 because I wanted to try what that was like.

And it wasn't right for me then, I think, because I wasn't good enough to have put on a show that was worth paying £10 for. So it did all right. But I was aware of feeling guilty for asking people to spend that much money. So then I went back to pay what you want. But this year I've made a show that's much more sort of theatre. and it's got a lot of tech and it's got other actors in it and stuff. So I kind of thought it has to be in a proper venue where I can make it look and sound good.

Fabulous. So this is the first year sort of going back to a paid thing. What's it called? It's called Blink. I play a sort of paranoid megalomaniate magician who's trying to control what everybody thinks. Oh, yes. It's really fun. It's been really nice working on it.

But I think, yeah, it just comes down to a choice between whether you want to, whether this person wants to go to the fringe because they want the rewards of the fringe, in which case it's much better to do the kind of. slow measured build up to doing a debut way, whether they just want to be there to kind of play and experiment and create, in which case you might as well just go and do it. But the problem is it's got so expensive that it's really not sensible to do it that way anymore. But I think we can say from what we've all said there is like,

we have all ended up in like a very similar place from three incredibly different routes. And that is 100% all it will ever be. It's like you have to do what's right for you. And all I'll say is the only tangible thing I can think of before starting performing at the fringe is to go up to the fringe see loads on the free fringe see a couple of things at the paid venues and just see what rooms are available

and then when you're applying you can say I liked this room I saw this show there and I think it makes a difference it's research right I hadn't that you're interested I hadn't done that but I think that's a great idea but I also think something to be said for what we did as well

which is like go and work there because it can be quite a lonely place for all that it's very very busy and you can watch those of shows but if you have some connection to some shows, whether it's through flyering or teching or whatever, then at least you feel like, there's a place I have to be every day at this specific

time, I'm not just going, God, this is a lot, what do I do? And then, you know, you have someone you'll speak to who's seen something and they can tell you it was good or whatever. So I'd just say, that just makes it feel a little bit less lonesome. Yeah. It's such a weird one, isn't it? Because when you're in it, it all

makes sense. Not all of it, but you get a vague idea of like, oh, you're doing this. I kind of miss how clueless I was, though, because honestly, I was so unaware of the pressures that actually do exist and also so willing to ask questions that now I would never have the nerve to ask, even when I don't know what's going on. When I first came to the fringe, I was literally like,

hey, what's this? People would be like, the most important event of the day. And you'd be like, cool, who's here? And they were like, that's Steve Coogan. And I'm like, great, who's he? So, like, I know. And that's, but I had no shame. I was just curious.

Whereas now I'm so, I'd be too self-aware to be like. It's all very savvy. Like, I remember thinking, oh, they're like all over the city during the month of August there's these big posters that go up all around the place like really big ones remember thinking like oh that's how you you've got to get big to get a big poster yeah yeah yeah no you just spend money yeah

you literally like you can buy whatever you want yeah like it is a money so expensive as yeah it's incredibly like nothing that yeah what do you guys reckon about the question they were asking about is it just an outdated way of doing things that doesn't matter anymore what do you guys think of it is for some people do you think it's on its way out look I think it's I think it's on its way out Look, I think what it is at its heart now from a comics perspective, not from an audience perspective

or from a comics perspective, and what it's been for a while is a job's fair. It's a way to go, you set up your stall and you say, hey, this is what I do. Want to hire me for the next 11 months? Yeah. And then hopefully people will. Hopefully people will love it and they'll tell their friends and that'll be, you'll get an audience and you'll get some work. And it's like hopefully a place to develop your show for your tour, but... And I think you know, sorry. I was going to say, I think for some people that

has become redundant because they've built an audience through something else like online or through podcasting and I think those are as legitimate ways to do it yeah I think it's because I think in a way the sort of jobs fair aspect of it is a shame but it's not but it's sort of something you have to engage with because that's what it is now and I think it's all right if the thing you're working on is something you're genuinely like it's a piece of work that you would have made anyway and that you're proud of that you believe in and that's essential and if the work you make is the sort of work that needs to be in that like a lot of shows wouldn't work as podcasts or as

online videos or as streams or like if you make the sort of work that exists in that space well the work that you do it and you're proud of it and you put it on and that kind of your show at the hive was it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you just couldn't do that where you had Matt Ewan's coming in it destroyed my show at the end of the simple day it was

so funny it was just you're an example of a show who is so like the being in the room live when you're performing is fucking electric because you're mental, right? Like, I'm not crossing the line that. Yeah, that's true. And that shows available on Next Step. It is, yeah.

It is available on Next Up and you have to watch it. What was it called? It was called the amazing, no, the incredible Jos Norris locks himself inside his own show then escapes against all the odds. At the time, I went through a phase of just going, I think sometimes you go so far into the fringe that you start to make things actively difficult for yourself

and you're like, I believe so much in making a weird show that exists in its own right or whatever that you start putting barriers up to the audience, so you make the name too long for people even to be able to remember how to recommend it and all this shit. So I'm trying to kind of unlearn a little bit of that and make stuff that's a little bit more audience friendly but keep the silliness and the weirdness of stuff.

That was a fun show. But yeah, there's stuff like that that sort of has to be at the fringe because you couldn't do it online. Also, it's somewhere you can do so many, like, hours and stage a day. Yeah. Boot camp. Yeah, just the practice. Boot camp.

It's amazing how good people get. Like, you don't necessarily feel it for yourself until a couple of months afterwards. but like I see friends at the beginning of the fringe and they have a really good show and then you'll see them in September at a gig and you'll be like fuck me everyone comes back like smashing

yeah it's really really exciting look I think it's relevant for some it's not relevant for others but also it's become prohibitively expensive for everybody but also at its heart what it's meant to be is a beautiful wonderful celebration

of a lot of great and exploration of what comedy can be like to be fair to the fringe it's the only place I've ever sat in rooms consistently and gone comedy can be this Yeah it's really exciting We're allowed to do that Cool

You learn these rules in your head that you've written yourself And then you're like oh You see something like you or Ewan's Or like an Australian clown Or like Michelle Wolfe Who you'd never see otherwise for 10 quid And then you're like Oh

This is cool Yeah just that thing gathering everyone in one place is really nice because you do see those scenes from all over the world and all over the country and stuff. Have we been helpful? Honestly, I feel this person's frustration because I remember this thought before I did my satirical play.

Did it do well? How did it do? No, like, no. But like, for me, at the time, we thought it went well because we had, like, we never had to pull a show. There was always someone there. Yeah, that's great. I'm so sorry. Okay, well, we're going to wrap it up anyway. I'm so sorry.

So, my God, we run over. Oh, my God, we're the worst. I know, we got to go. That was a big problem. and that wasn't your fault. Listener, all solved. You're welcome. There you go.

Jaws Norris, where can people see your show? What time? How do they find you? It's on in Edinburgh at Jackdome, Pleasance Jackdome at 820, so people can go and see it there. I think there's one more London preview on the 15th of July at Pleasance in Islington. So if this goes out before then London, then you're very welcome to that. Or if you want to see it in Edinburgh, then they can go to josnoris.com. And there's all dates.

That was Josnorris.com. at UK and same as always follow Josh on social media and we'll tag him in everything we'll talk about this. What's your social media? At Joss Norris on everyone. Very easy to find. What an easy guy. He's the one in T-shirts. Okay?

Also, quickly with Pleasance Previews, they still do a deal where it's three previews for like. Yeah, I think you can get three shows for 12. I think it's five pounds for their previews. Yeah, I'm doing another preview there in July as well and they've got amazing other people. But like you guys. But to see me and Joss and then get one

for free. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good deal. Do you want to sing us out, Joss? I can do Aidal Vice. Yes, please. I only know the bit where he sings Aidal Vice. That's fine.

But I think it goes, Aidal Weiss, Adel Weise, Adel Weise. Bless my homeland forever. Goodbye, John Fis, Ais, Ais, yeah. That's the you've linked to you. the word. I knew that one word. Thank you to all our lovely supporters.

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