Trusty Hogs - Ep4. FERN BRADY / Parties, Presents & Plastic Surgery

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Fern Brady joins Catherine and Helen this week as the Trusty Hogs reveal christmas gift tips, do some DIY, and weigh up the benefits of botox...  Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores // Guy GoodmanPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell // SBDubz // Elle // Richard Bald // Neil Redmond // Victoria Hutchison // Emma Walton // Karen Bull // Harald van Dijk // Kierah Leach // Tim & Dom // David Taylor // Rachel R // Lee Myerscough // Anthony Conway // Sadie Cashmore Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello! Hello! It's Trustee Hugs! It's Trusty Hugs! Yeah, it is! We're coming by a Coffron Boeh! Hi! How are you, Helen?

I'm good. I'm actually really excited for today's episode. Me too. Not that I don't enjoy chatting with you and Andrew, because you know I do. Andrew... Why do I feel like there's a butt coming? I'm a hoglet. I just, I'd rather have Fern Brady here, too, all the time.

You're so rude. I love her. I love her. You're right, though. She's absolutely amazing, and Fern Brady's going to be with us later, and we... I've got to tell you, every chat with Fern Brady is good, but it's a good. but it's a good chat. But I feel like, because we get this special time together,

it's almost like when you're in like a female friendship of three and you're like, let's have just a two of us and then they can come along. Do you know what I mean? I felt very much like as with you, as you do with all guests, it was you and her against me. What the fuck? I feel like you take advantage of the triangle

to exclude me on purpose. Okay, well, let's let the listeners be the judge of that. I think we should. Okay, Ben Brady's coming up and you can judge if you feel at any point that Catherine gets let out of the conversation. No, not left out. Just actively picked on, I'd say. Actively picked on.

What is our dynamic, if not that, Helen Bowers? Love. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests, and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen.

and Catherine has the trusty hugs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Are you in a happy mood today or something? Yes. Oh, you're not on your period, are you? I'm literally finishing. That's what I, oh, you seem peaceful. You know what it is?

Yeah. I know my moon cup is not getting filled. I just know. You're nicer to me this way. Feels good. I like it. It feels really relaxing. An empty moon cup, but a full Catherine and Helen.

I also think I had a very successful weekend. So I feel good for myself. Tell me about your weekend. It was just like, you know when you're thriving? I don't, but tell me about it. I was thriving. You know I'm not thriving because I'm wearing the most passionate dress I own.

It's very compensatory. I do that sometimes. I do any bad things I put in the biggest earrings so everyone's like, what's her truth? I know, yeah, yeah. If I'm wearing shit loads of lipstick, it's not a good week for Catherine. You do have lipstick on.

Yeah, let's... Do you want to hear... Should we do your bad week before we do my good week? No, my week's been fine, but I want to hear about your thriving. No, it sounds like you're really depressed. Oh my God, we'll get to it in a moment. Tell me about your thriving weekend. Okay, so I had a gig in Hereford, which, right?

So it doesn't sound at the beginning of a great thriving weekend. No, it doesn't. Lovely, lovely gig, amazing stuff. And I've died in Hereford before. So it was so lovely to go back and have a lovely time. Oh, God, it's lush to turn something around because it's easy to get in your head that a location is just a place you don't do well in. I had a point to prove.

That's gorgeous. But it doesn't always go that way. True. I think there are some places where I've thought, you know, this is the time. So good for you for turning Hereford around. What happened? What was different this time?

A different venue run by really lovely guys. Where shade to the last venue. No, seriously, massive shade to the last venue. Even though it was 100% me and not that as well. I was also dog shit. I guess the difference was this time it was a great venue with good people. Seriously, classical comedy in Hereford. If anyone lives around Hereford, go to that night.

They curates such fun bills. I know Bobby Mayer's doing the next one, which is probably like next week. All right, this isn't a fucking ad, Helen. It was so good. So then I was like, but I was like, oh shit, I've got, you know that 10 o'clock train back from Hereford, which goes through every single stop. You're getting at 1.20 a. So I was like, okay, I'm in for a long journey back. Arrived in Hereford, message from comedian Ray Badron being like, I'm doing Hereford.

He was doing that gig that I don't like there. And he was like, are you on the 10 o'clock train? I was like, fucking amazing. Got on the train, met two guys who had just been at a whiskey tasting in Worcester. But they hammered? No, they were fine. I had like one glass of wine, one beer. and I was like, oh, there's a whiskey.

Start a combo with them, tried their whiskey. I said it was peaty. They were impressed. No. I don't even, I can't say handle that. I get that. And then Ray said something about coffee barrels and Japanese whiskey. They were charmed by us.

Wow. It was amazing. Got back and then Saturday had two gigs in London that were both lush. And then I threw a drill party on Sunday. What the hell is a drill party? Okay. This is where I think my weekend really shone. So on Sunday...

Are you talking dance with drums? No. I'm talking drilling, Black and Decker. Hecler and Koch. What's the heckler and clash? What's not a drill, is it? No, I think it's Bosch, maybe? Bosch.

Bosch. Weren't in doubt it, bot it. Are you talking about fucking? No, no. I needed to get... Are these euphemisms? What's happening? Do you get drills?

I have been trying to get four... coat hooks up in my hallway for about a year now. Why did that need to involve a party? Because I have been hammering in screws to a plaster wall. So they go up, they fall down. Of course they do.

It's just, it's been an absolute nightmare. I really hope my landlady never hears this. It's just an absolute, it's a sea of holes. No, because I've plastered them. Oh, fine. As long as you make... With a kitchen knife. Oh, that doesn't say much.

But as long as you've made good. I've made good. We're fine. And then I was like, watch something on YouTube. Have you heard of raw plugs? Raw plugs. I thought they were called wall plugs, but they're called raw plugs. Andrew, what the hell is she saying?

Raw plugs. Okay, fine. W. Do you mean like the yellow plastic ones? The yellow, fuck it out. Do you mean the yellow plastic ones that just go in the section? Mine are red. Okay, fine, but basically something that sits in to hold the screw.

Exactly. Now, to get that in. That's right. I've dated lesbians. I bought a set of them about three months ago. and was trying to hammer them in. Oh, so you're just chipping away at the plaster, making the whole bigger and bigger and bigger. Really big.

Really big. You need to have a drill. Now, I'm not buying a drill. I'm not falling for that. That's fucking bullshit. I know my friend Will's housemate owns a drill. Now, I can't ask Will to get a drill off his housemate and come over with it. Because it's pushing my luck. I think that's pretty straightforward.

And actually, can you get this drill, bring it over, return it, blah, blah, blah. I was like, I'll come get it. And then I was like, no, actually, guess what's happening on Sunday, Will? I'm throwing a drill party and you're invited make them feel special that's a trick with boys make them feel special

for no reason then invited his best mate over who has a wall scanner to join the drill party then got in Neil O'Rourke to join the drill party because Neil loves a party and he had an Indian takeaway

so he was very happy through a drill party but it was awful because we forgot drill bits okay can we just circle back so Rolder then just ask your friend may please borrow your

housemates drill I threw a party. Or indeed, buy a drill that probably cost less than catering for the four men you invited to your home. They got their own takeaways and brought them to mine. Okay, you instead constructed a party of basically like random men who don't know each other that well. We baby boys. They're all good friends. Okay.

And then casually mentioned that they should bring tools with them. If they felt like it, like no biggie. And also do the work. Okay, but you got no drill bits. So what did you do? We didn't have any drill bits. So the drill party started with... only a drill with nothing at the end of it.

So we were like, oh, this isn't good. But we had a scanner, so we spent a while scanning our bodies to see where you could drill into. It was fun. And then we thought it'd be really funny to pretend for a while. But it was a jizz monitor. There it is. To see who was fertile.

Nice. So did the code hooks get put up? The drill party started with no drill bits. So I was like, right, we need to go to Will's house, which is like a 20 minute walk away to get the drill bits and then come back. But his housemate doesn't get up until about three. o'clock. So we were like, okay, we need to wait. And then it was, we were getting to the point where I'd nearly got all the baby boys with their back to go to get the drill bits. And then as soon as that

happened, Sunil arrived back from Birmingham. He's stopped at Tim Hortons in Birmingham and brought us back Tim Bits, the little donut balls. So then the whole party gets derailed with all the baby boys gathered around Seneal and him handing out little donut balls. In my head, he's chewing them and popping them into their mouths. Yeah, like a baby bowl. And I'm just there standing at the door being like, This isn't the drill party I wanted. This isn't what I was promised. We eventually make a way towards the pub. As we're going towards the pub,

we run into like three different groups of friends. So we're constantly having to stop and talk to people. And then we're talking to this table of like lovely people, the guys that run like the pinata comedy show. Don't know what that is. And a friend of mine, Lewis. Like just good people. And I was like, we need to get the drill bits guys.

And they were just all bantering. And I was like, but seriously, the drill party has just gone fucking mental. Hang on. Are the three men you invited overall comics? Yes. That is honestly, trying to move male comedians through space

is like herding cats. It's like, yes, you could do another little bit. Aren't you a very clever boy? Let's move it along. And then we finally get, we pick up the drill bits and then Eddie gets hungry. I need a wee and we're like, oh, this is a nightmare. So instead of like actively searching for things anymore,

I was like, fuck it, I'm leaving, I'm getting a pint. So Eddie went to get food. I went to get a pint and Neil came and sat with me while I had a pint and I did a little tap water for my baby boy. I'm genuinely so stressed by this story. Can you just tell me that it got resolved? and that you got the coat hangers on. Eventually we got home

and we got the four coat hooks up and only one of them are still wobbly. That is not a good story. All I'm saying is if you want to get DIY done, don't throw a drill party. Have you heard of handymen? Yes, I have now.

I'm a big fan. Yes. They're great. They basically do magic. I have a handyman. He's the handyman who used to work at the last property I rented for the rental company.

But he liked me so much because I used to always give him biscuits and tea. But now he does my hands. handyman stuff for free. But you're charming. I am quite nice girl. Do you see like people want to do things for you because I don't know why he does it for free though. I worry that he he have you fucked him and you just don't remember no no I think it's um I know I definitely remember I think it's one of those things where he he feels like a father figure like I'm so I'm so clueless that he's like I'll just take care of but then I also worry because he's Iraqi I wonder if it's like that taxi thing in Iraq where

I'm like, let me pay you. And he's like, no, and I'm like, okay, but I'm supposed to be like, no, let me pay you. But I don't want to argue too much for them because it is free. I think, I try. So does he come over and, like, put up things for you, like, hook? Yeah.

Because I can do everything myself apart from, if I don't have the tool. He's put up shelves. He's bolted cabinets to the wall. He's, like, oh, I'm, I should probably pay him, should I? No, I should, it's just my flat son. Or throw him a party when he comes over to do it. I don't think that's the way. Do it. As long as everyone brings a tool.

it can be a very successful day. I do think I should pay him. But then what, the problem is, I'm then ballparking because he won't give me a figure. So like, what are we paying people to like bolt something to a wall? What's that fee? It shouldn't be that much, should it? I mean, I'm sure it's a power hour thing.

Well, Helen said she could get Helen to do it. She said she can do it as long as she has to. No, I'm not, that sounds horrendous and very stressful. We only messed up four times. That sounds terrible. Once we have the equipment. It sounds awful. But we're also a bit drunk by that point.

That's a no from me. Okay. Well, you've had a busy week. Yeah, it's been amazing. That's a lot. Annie, so that's you thriving, is it? Yeah, I got four coat hooks up. That is thriving as far as I'm concerned.

That was a job that I've been looking at for so long, and I was so proud to do it. But we've got a really dusty hallway still because neither of us were willing to vacuum. You know what I wouldn't you vacuum? Because Sunil brought the vacuum down. He's like, yeah, you should do it. And now we're at a stalemate.

No, Andrew. You're so right. Just vacuum pie. Me and my friends wanted to sit a wax Helen party and this is like a couple of years ago and I went to their garden and we were like racing it was like a removal of the hair on Helen Day

and I was in their garden basically naked and one of them was epilating and one of them was waxing on either leg we were just like this would be a bit fun just to fill a day you know it was very painful for me actually I was there just like smoking and drinking like this is a horrible day sorry excuse me sorry first of all your parties are extremely gendered. If you go back on my Instagram, you can find

it if you go back enough. They're incredibly gendered. Secondly, are you telling me that you went to somebody's garden? My friend Francis said. Wacked out your garden and they waxed it. Do they do your actual lady garden? I think we went just for bottom legs. I think we were planning on doing the whole thing, but then we realised that it is not fun for me.

It took you doing that to realise that wouldn't be fun for you. Yeah, and also their gardens, like, it's like, it's like South London Gardens where there's like no wall between the next garden. It's just like a little a little mesh fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there were children next door. It's weird.

It's weird because you, um, you initially said you were thriving and I felt like, oh, I should be thriving. I'm still thriving. And then you told me the story of how you were thriving. And now I actually feel like it is in fact I, who I'm thriving. But you don't have four coat hooks up. Did I mention the coat hooks from Etsy? I didn't.

That from Etsy. I do. I just don't think of that as a huge achievement. So maybe I would be thriving even more if I lowered my stem. Also, didn't you say you messed up four times and there was four coat hooks, so you messed up every single one? No, well, I was in charge of, Eddie was in charge of putting the hole in the wall with the drill. And I was in charge of putting the raw plug. I still don't fully get, how do you spell it?

Like raw dogging. Is it? A, R-A-W. I'll Google it. Because I thought it was wall plug. Andrew, can you please Google that? We'll do a check. There's some people listening to this going,

Oh, my fucking God, it's called this and oh my God, why watching Hoover? But basically, wool plugs come in different sizes. R-A-W-L. Rawl. Rool? Can you understand how I struggled with that? It's also known as a wall plug. That's what I fucking said.

And they were all like, no, it's a roll plug. I'm sending a voice note to them down. Okay, so it's like brawl without a B. Yeah. We're having a roll party. Oh, that's exciting. A roll brawl you could have gone for. Oh, it could have been a roll ball.

Eddie, I'm doing a podcast and we just Googled it. is a wall plug as well as a rule plug. You can't do voice notes and we're on the podcast. I've done it now. Thank you. That's not acceptable. I want to make sure my point. Helen, new rule. No, my voice notes. What is it? Don't do a voice note during the podcast. And what is your phone meant to be on? Aeroplane mode. Thank you. Should we focus? Yeah.

Sweet God. Okay. Well, I'm glad you had a good week. That's exciting. I'm so pleased. What would you say you're like we're obviously getting into winter now which I'm really excited about it it sounds like you've achieved hence the coat hooks but here's my question I'm getting to a point where I know it's the third week

of October but are you starting to feel like and I had basically I called my mother at the weekend and she was like I finished my Christmas shopping and I was like oh my God I haven't even started saving for Christmas presents never mind both the Christmas presents but what's the expectation on you as far as Christmas gifts in the family

vein like do you all do guests for each other well we do a Chris Kindle so we all pull do you not know they'll buy you with her a Kindle no no you know what a Chris Kindle is no oh we like a secret Santa yeah so we all put our names on the hat pull it out and we get that person and then

there's a limit 150 pound 150 euro limit I think on that which it's fine because we're all adults but then my mother also still does stockings from Santa

cute and then she just buys for everyone anyway send it sort of rooms and so then you all have to sort of like at least buy for her and then like houch for like extraneous gifts and then but then also I think I put too much of a standard on myself to get all my friends presents

when I kind of wish we could all just agree that we don't have enough money for that we can I do a couple of friends and I usually do everyone get sort of like a similar vibe so like Last year, I, like, bulk bought loads of photo frames and then got everyone, like, a nice photo memory of me. Me with them.

That is sad, but that was the gift. No, you did not give all your friends, like, a photo photo. Of us, like, together. Okay, it wasn't just of you. My friend's fonts. In case I go missing, here's a photo of me. Pictures of, like, the three of us in Disney together. Okay, cute.

And stuff. And, like, my friend Gwyneth got, actually, still haven't given it to her. That's from Christmas last year. You could reuse this here. Gwyneth, you have got a picture of the two of us on your 30th birthday come in your way. Oh, nice.

Look at you, Gwyneth, if you care about that. She cares. Okay, cool. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice. But I do, I think, yeah, I think a lot is expected of me in terms of gifts. And I think I also have set myself such a high bar.

Yeah. I think I go too much and then I have to keep it up and I feel a lot of pressure with it. Yeah. It's a really hard loop to break. But so, yeah, I'm quite anxious about it, but didn't have not help by my mother, who's such a Christmas obsessive. success as being like, it's all done. And also, it's never all done with Geraldine. Let's face it.

Wait, so you've got to pay €150 on one family member, but you also have to do presents for your mum, and then you also do gifts for all your friends. No, you don't have to get presents for my mom, but she will get extra presents for you. So it's like, do you love her or are you a bad daughter? You love her. You know what I mean? That's the thing. And the thing about Geraldine as well is she'll always say, Christmas shopping done,

so she'll finish in August, first of all. Then she'll finish in October. She's absolutely done by October. She's done, done, she's done. Oh my God. And then she continues. to buy. And you're like, bitch, how am I supposed to keep up with this? Like, it's just, she's,

she just loves making other people happy. She's such a giver. That's really sweet. It is really sweet, but it's also a trade I have picked up on and the problem is, and so is my brother and brother and sister. And I think the problem is we end up giving more than we actually should and kind of damaging

our own well-being because we're all trying to be so kind to each other. Anyway, that sounds like a bow. Oh, we're so nice, but I just mean like we overspend. Just to put it in context, my family, we've done stockings off and on, but they're pretty much over now. Maybe this year will be different because last year, none of us were together because of lockdown.

That's what I think. I think it's going to be an overcorrection this year because my mom missed me. Maybe, but we have definitely, like, as soon as we weren't, like, living at home anymore, than it was immediately, like, stockings out, one present each, and it's on a secret Santa, but also done with, like, a couple of my uncles. So, like, I'll just get a message from Uncle Jerry being, like, you've got to spend 20 pounds on your dad.

And I'll be like, okay. And that's it. just sort of done over WhatsApp and then also like food we will bring one dish each like no one's in charge that's very smart i think i might suggest to my mother that we lower the christmas but we really don't do christmas vibes like i did try when i was younger to make it more wholesome but last christmas it was me my uncle jerry and my dad while my mom was in the other room watching uh my neighbor the nazi the story of john demyaniuk wow i was six hour documentary no mine's pretty that's intense mine's full-on christian

Christmas expectations. My, that's intense, but I'm sorry. I loved it. I fucking loved it. I'm still processing what you just said to me. And also what's great is that Jerry and Michael and me were all mouth breathers. So it was the three of us sitting on a sofa watching about this Nazi might have been Ivan the terrible. A hundred percent was at Trebenka Death Camp on Christmas Day going.

Oh, well, the listener can't hear that. There it is. Okay, great. Go, great. Oh my gosh. I would say we have a different vibe. Happy Christmas, Daddy. We have a different vibe.

because of course my dad is a deacon so Christmas is huge it's a big part of his job big gig and so Christmas Eve has always been my brother sister and I cooked dinner for my parents but I'm a control freak so it's me although actually my brother's a really good cook now so we might have a bit of a battle of will yes Peter or we can maybe just work together and then um Christmas is huge and yeah it's a lot but I also I also love it you do you are like a themey sort of Oh my God, I love it so much. Like, I love decorating my flam. Yeah.

I love hot chocolates. I love wrapping gifts. I love thinking about what people might like. I don't love the poverty that I experience in January and February because I've overdone it. But I also find it really hard to have those conversations with people when you're like, should we just get each other reasonable things or not? Because I want to be Santa. I feel like.

I want to be Santa. Just be harsh with who is worth it. I don't think it's not. Do you want to have a discussion? Are we doing gifts for each other? Um, but the thing is, we can't have this reasonable conversation

because here's the thing, we shouldn't get gifts from Andrew, but Andrew works much harder than us, so we should buy Andrew a gift. If you're getting me gifts, I will get your gifts. That's the thing. It's so tricky.

It's like, it's such a thing where it's like, what, you want to show up? From December, I carry around a generic gift in my bag in case somebody I'd not expecting to give me a gift, give me a gift.

That's fucking tragic. That is very sad. No, but, No, it's not. It's not because... But what's a generic gift that can suit everyone? It's like a candle or a soap and a book. Whatever, the top seller...

But you've given me a candle before, so that was a generic random game. No, it was, but you know why I take... So what happens if you're not expecting to see them? And they're like, oh, you're here. Oh, that's fantastic. I've just got this gift for you. And you're like, oh, well, I was just carrying around this gift for you.

Yeah, you say, oh, my God, that's so mad. I have yours with me. No, that's definitely... Who does that? That's not... No, okay, no, if I just ran into them, I wouldn't, but I would then make a point of seeing, getting one for them next time.

But if you think that they're going to give you a gift and they don't, you don't give them the gift them. Exactly. So this sounds like she's being really nice, but it also means that you are only being generous when they have shown an act of generosity first. This isn't a sweet thing. No, no, no, no.

I just keep the number one fiction book that year and maybe some chocolates or something in my bag in case somebody I don't expect to give me a gift so that I have something to give them in return. The only, right. Because I'm not going to be caught out on the hop like some sort of horrible like they feel like our generation we can argue no gifts because of environmental reasons go i agree but hang on a second they have worked they've like

thought of you brought you a gift they've met up with you knowing they're going to give you a Christmas gift and you just go thank you yeah yeah you don't return a gift to somebody who gives you a gift for Christmas right it depends on the gift yeah and the gift I would be absolutely mortified well that's why I would return a gift to you Because I know you'd... I would be mortified. I just write down the little gift bag, Merry Christmas, kiss, kiss, no name.

I think... Don't you know, though, who's going to give you a gift? Like, I know which of my friends. I do mostly. I make a list and that's... But that's why the idea of being wrong, of misjudging it means I have one just in case. Do you also do Christmas cards?

Do I post Christmas cards? Only to the elderly in my life. I think that's the one good thing that's happening with Christmas cards. Christmas as far as generations go is that like we're really letting go with the Christmas card thing. Because I think people used to do a full day shift. Oh my parents do it together. So they sit down at the table. My dad writes half the first half and then my mom's there putting them in envelopes licking them putting the stamp on and then they switch. It's mad. It's pure madness. Yeah. And also like

the whole day. The round robins. Did your family ever do that? Oh, those letters about your family. Yeah. Yeah. That's a very. This is what happened to us this year. No, we don't do that. I love them. I love them. I love them. I wish we did, but we don't. Helen had another abortion. Funnily enough. Michael Drove her this time. I was at book club.

You know what? Irish families don't go in for that. Can you believe? What? Yeah, we don't do an abortion Christmas roundup. Oh, I forgot. You guys are funny about it. Oh, no, I'm not.

But, like, yeah, it tends not to be like. No, but the round robins are always like, and guess what happened? our little girl got into university and I was always like I'd love if my family did one like there was one year where like my brother went to jail twice I decided to stop attending college

and didn't write anything in any of my exams and it's like what would my mum and dad write like our marriage is failing Ted's in jail again and Helen well we wish her luck but we're pretty sure she's about to share a room with her cousin for a year and it's true she had a bed with my cousin for a year like not like you know actually

I think there would have been some awkward years to do the roundup in my house as well like completely fair I think like having to do one Christmas where one of your daughters came out and then a couple of years later I'd be like

oh the fucking other one did as well like that's like that's tedious but yeah I think no we don't do them we don't do them because that seems very American to me to be like to PR your family you know what I think I might do a Christmas round what Robin newsletter

I think you should do one too are we not doing it right now? A year in my life. A year of my life. No, it's not for me. But yeah, my point is I'm feeling a lot of Christmas pressure and if you're feeling Christmas pressure at home and it's already only October, try to channel it into. What I've been trying to channel it into is like stuff I can make myself. I don't know why you're doing this because me and Andrew clearly weren't feeling Christmas pressure and now you've put it on us and now you're like, but if you are feeling Christmas pressure, I wasn't, but now I am. Okay, I'm sorry. But if you

are you? But if you were, now's a really good time to go out and forage for dried leaves while they're still on the trees because they're falling before it gets too rainy and they're all gone because you can use them as little you can punch a hole in them and let them dry out and then they become really nice little labels instead of... It just gets sadder and sadder, doesn't it?

I honestly don't know what to do right now. What? What? I can't work out of this she's doing like a bit. No, you can use them as labels on gifts. You tie them all with a ribbon and you can write with gold pen on a dried leaf. I'm in saving the environment and money, Andrew. I just sharpie onto the wrapping paper. Why are we doing labels?

You sharpy on the wrap paper and you just put Dad, Gerald, Philip, yeah. Okay. Well, you can also dry a nice brown leaf out and use a gold pen on it and then use a pole punch and put the ribbons through that in it

hold. Andrew, that's beautiful. I'm sorry. Also, you can take olive oil and if you've washed the leaves and dried them, you can take some olive oil and cover a board with them and then place cheese on them at Christmas. Okay, fuck you both.

I'm trying to save the listeners some money and give them a thoughtful way to channel their anxieties. Sharpier and wrapping paper sounds cheaper than that. Yeah, it looks awful. Because it doesn't. It does. Well, it's clear.

It looks awful. And also, is your wrapping paper recyclable? Another important question over which you can have anxiety. What? Is Clinton film recyclable? It's a good question, actually. fucking question. Oh, God.

Okay, so nobody else is feeling this way. There's a bunch of people listening being like, it's October, shut the fuck up, Catherine. So I will. Yeah, I feel like no one had anxiety about it and now they do. I'm so sorry. I've, I didn't mean to bring that upon us. Anyway, Halloween's around the corner.

But I feel like we also didn't sort out the fact that like, are we doing gifts for each other then? Should we all do it? How would you like? I think we should, we should do it on the podcast. How would you both like the best selling fiction book this year? Yes. And some chocolate.

What is the best-selling fiction book this year? We'll find it closer to the... Probably Richard Asman. Oh, yeah. What year is it, Helen? Oh, is that old? No, but it's not like recent. Oh, I only just read it.

I always assume if I've just read it, then it's just come out. But that's not how things work. Have you heard of 1984? It's very good. It's very good. Very good book. Let's say like 20.

Each? Oh, by the way, we haven't... Okay, fine. mentioned by the way is Andrew just showing up having been sick and not apologising for being absent oh yeah what time to call this Andrew what time to call this previous episodes I would you rather I gave you potential lurgy I mean that what's sort of a lug yeah what are we talking I know it's woke up feeling really horrible and like I send you a voice note to like show up oh we've already

disgusted yeah it's actually fucking absurd yeah I'm not listening back yet yeah I am I was a I just really felt awful. You didn't listen to the podcast you weren't on. Is that what you're saying, Andrew? Well, no, I will eventually, I mean... Oh my God. He's rude. I haven't listened to them yet.

You don't listen to our own podcast, that's fine, I think. I think it would be weird to listen back to our own podcast. That's like reading back your own diary and being like... I did once go to listen back to an episode of a podcast I was on because I had quite few messages about it being like, oh, like, that was amazing. Like, but like, kind of emotionally heavy ones. And I was like, oh, shit. Like, because I never, like, I'm just not that person.

Like, I can't... If you. you've got, like, a trauma and you shut, I can't handle it. Like, just, I'm not that person. So I went back to listen to it. And the first three minutes of the podcast is the host being like, had a great chat with Helen. I really thought she'd contact me saying she didn't want loads of this stuff in.

But she hasn't, so I guess it's fine. And you know, when you're like, immediately, I can't listen to it then. I'm fine with it. I don't think it's healthy, too, because I think, like, if, for most people, like, if they said, oh, I happen to have a recording of a conversation you had with your friend when you were drunk through the night, journalist, absolutely not. That sounds around us. So why would you listen back to a podcast?

And I would say, I like, I prefer to spend my time listening to like, um, X's or people I've slept with on podcasts instead of, um, that's an option for you though. Not all of us have that as an option. Yeah, it's nice. It's nice. Actually, I didn't sleep with a guy that has a podcast. Yeah. And it's good to like listen and then sort of read every read into everything they say. And then like that's probably about me. I still haven't listened to it. Well, there's a little, uh, something you can do if you should ruin my life. Yeah. Feeling bad about yourself on a mega bus. Why not engage in that behavior? Get in a lovely bubbly bar. a potty. Oh no, because I get the anxiety sweats so not in the bath. Not the time. I like sweating in the bath. Do you remember this is really weird? Do you remember that phase where everyone said, if you want to lose way, you cover yourself in cling film and get in the bath?

What? I'm not joking. It hit our school quite toxicly. That's terrible. And it's something to do with the sweat. That doesn't seem right. How do you get out? Are you not trapped? No, it's fine. You're still supple enough to move. I mean, depends on how tight you do it. I just did it on my legs. And it was

quite a fun sensation. I won't lie, but I don't think it's healthy. It sounds like being boiled. Yeah. It was a little bit actually. Yeah. Lovely. Oh my God. Being suved. Done in five minutes. That's horrible. I don't like that. No, thank you. But yeah, I no, I don't listen back. I genuinely feel like

I wish I had more news for you, but I've been kind of just gicking loads. That's good that you've been gigging loads. It's nice to be back gigging loads and it being like a thing that we can do again. It is. It's nice to get to a point of gigging where I mean I feel like we're talking just comedy but don't you also like crave TV now

gigging us back like those relaxing moments because I was getting bored of TV oh you mean watching television? I was like all right Helen somebody does TV and I'm just craving a TV gig oh no I was like yeah I miss watching television listen we're all surely at the point now

of return to normality where we're like but like four weeks lockdown so this is why me and my housemate have started watching S-A-S, Who Dare's wins? The celeb one? Nope. Oh, is there a Normies one? We're watching series one from like back of the day of, I mean, Normies, yeah.

One of them is a comedian on it, which is so exciting. Incredible, which who is it? We don't know him. It's quite annoying. I think he's an Australian comic, so we don't... What's his name? Mick something? Okay.

Obviously hasn't stopped. He's really lovely. I'm sure he's very funny, but I just, we haven't come across them. I'm watching Meredith for a sightback. Have you watched it? Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm only like 10 episodes then. Oh my God.

See, that's something where, like, during lockdown, I could have done with another one of those because it gives you structure to your week. Absolutely. And also it gives you people to feel superior to. So when your life's not going well, it's like, these people are toxic. You think you're better than them? You think you're better? I think that a lot of those people are toxic.

Those dynamics are toxic. And I wish that somebody would just pull them aside and say, you deserve better than this. Who are you talking about particular? I'm talking about Luke. More agony? I don't, look, it's absolutely fine that she's not attracted to him. But I think there's a point at which, like, in order to, to contort himself

into who he thinks she wants him to be he's having to become someone he isn't yes if you don't watch the show this is very neat but I just think oh god that shouldn't be allowed I also think like there's a couple of dynamics where they're borderline abusive to each other but that's what so much of the reality TV is

is really like toxicly abusive moments and I'm not saying that it's not awful but they do pick a narrative and then edit it that way. Oh, of course. Like I do, the more I watch these things, the more I find it hard to know what to trust with it. 100%.

And I say all of this whilst being like, when it's on, I'm like, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, no, no, no, no, no. Give me all the gossip. Give me all the drama. Give me all the toxicity. But it isn't good. And it's also like,

but I, yeah, but I'm absolutely addicted and I love it so much. Would you ever do it? Would I ever get married? Marry someone that you've never met before. No, because being, married isn't enough of a dream of mine that I would risk anything to do it. That's the thing. You've got to like, because you're putting your life on hold for like six months, aren't you to do it? Yeah, I think you have to want to be married as an end goal

that is sufficiently big enough in your life that you're like, this hasn't happened and I wanted to happen. And marriage isn't that for you? No, it's not. It's not. If I get married, that'll be nice. What do you dream about? I know. It's so weird. What are my children not going to have a father? Oh my God. No, I don't. I want career things. I want travel things,

but it's not my main goal. See, marriage I go in and out of, because I don't want to be married. I don't want a big wedding, but I like the idea of, like, having someone go like, I'm committing to you. Like, I love you fully.

But I don't think it's a marriage that I want. I think it's just someone who really loves me and that I love back. That's really sad. No, no, no, no. I was just about to say, I was just about to say, let me be clear. I am a serial monogamist.

I am terrible. Like, really, I don't really know if I could be by myself. And that's a terrible thing to be able to say as an adult. Like, I wish that I was certain that I could be. But I like to think that if, if I was single again, I would give myself more opportunity to prove that to myself. But I don't think that, so I am utterly dependent on the affirmation that comes from being in a relationship, which is terrible,

but it's true. I love love. You know yourself. Yeah. I know at least, like, I have enough, a track record, prove it so let's just admit who I am but I but it's not about um a label it's just about constantly being told I'm pretty oh and somebody making me dinner so you are like Nikita in the first couple of episodes oh my god I'm not making it anyone who does not seen it

no oh my god yeah that's that's average but yeah they are I would like I get I don't know I'm with you like marriage has never been like a massive goal for me I never grew up thinking like oh, there's a bride, I want to be a bride. Like, I didn't get that. I definitely do have, I'm ambitious in other ways, but I wouldn't say for marriage, but I am, I don't know, I just, but maybe it comes down to the fact that I just,

I see good marriages. I also see lots of bad ones. I've also seen a lot of people settle. And I think because, like, we all have the option, which we're faced with loads of times in our life, and we're like, I could just settle for this. I could just go for that.

That'll be fine. And then you remind yourself of the song from the last five years sung wonderfully, by Anna Kendrick in the movie version I can do better than that. Wow. You haven't heard it. Listen to it now. I think it's sad. It's also it's two things. It's like one

I when I was growing up marriage wasn't looking like an option. It wasn't legal when I was and for some gay going queer people that actually I think made marriage a bigger goal right? It was like unattainable so the second it was legal they really wanted it because it was like

we'd never have this whereas to me it sort of undermine its value to me. I was like, oh, it's just a random thing people can make absurd rules about. And it's not definitional of our love. So that diminished it for me, I think. And the other thing is like, you'd be a nightmare. Sorry.

I thought that you're going to say. Could you imagine how as a bride? It'd be, okay, go on. No, it's actually just, I find it really private. Like, I find it really weird to be like everyone should come to hear me profess feelings for my private feelings for my private person.

It's my private person. It's quite a common thing on. TikTok people like gay TikTokers will be like oh I'm really like not comfortable kissing a man in front of my family no no no no sorry to be clear it's not that it's not it's not it's not that I would have a problem kissing a woman in front of my family no no no I I would honestly neck my girlfriend in front of my mom but inviting people to fly over to watch you see I'm coming to hear me profess my feelings to anyone sincerely that's my issue see oh god no no that's that part's fine

If everything, I'd be like, fuck you, enjoy it. Pull up a seat in the room, mum. Just watch. I'm not a self-loathing gay. I'm just, I just can't imagine being that sincere in front of people publicly. How about if we do both decide to get married? We do it Bride Ward style. Have you seen that film?

Oh, I could get into that. So we get married at the plaza in June on the same date. And then basically we're fighting over guestless. Who's Kate Hudson and who's Anne Hathaway? I think unfortunately it's the way around I think I might be a bit of an Anne I think you are That's not unfortunate

Why is that unfortunate Oh yeah because your marriage doesn't work out Spoiler alert Spoiler alert Can you get married Anderson That's because blondes have more Chance success in marriage

That's true Is how the saying actually goes This is what I was going to go back To what married at first slide Is there's this weird Presupposition from the beginning Presupposition Yeah

Is that word? Yes Yes Thank you Why do we need to check with Andrew? Yes, the word. For me, it's that marriage must be, it takes loads of work.

It's going to be all about compromise. And there's, like, it doesn't really, it's not necessarily about being happy. It's about making it work. So, like, it doesn't matter as long as it functions regardless of individual happiness. And I'm like, ooh, that sounds horrid. I think that's because we are all,

unwilling to compromise to a level. Also, I think our generation has such optionality. So it's like getting a partner to me feels a bit like it feels more like shopping online than it should. Like it feels like there's so many

options that the idea of settling is so hard when actually... But isn't that awful that I look at loads of marriages and go, they're settling? But they're not. They're really happily in love. But it's me being like, they can't have found that thing because I can't find it. And loads of people can't find it. How have But then it's like, no, no, they really do.

Yeah. And also, like, actually, those compromises, I don't think, feel like big compromises when you're with a person you love. Yeah, it's so true. Because you do enjoy making them happy as much as you enjoy being happy. So true. So I think probably. I think for the times that I've been, like, completely head over heels and love, which has only been, like, once or twice. Yeah. And, like, yeah, you do bend over backwards.

And, like, all your time is their time. Literally. Literally. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't think we're having a very romantic stance on it. I think, I do think, I also think, let's face it, married at first sight is great television because those experts are terrible at pairing people.

But that's why they're so good of it. They could try harder. They know, that's what they're doing to get good TV. Yeah, yeah. Those people are not paired based on what makes sense. What about Taya? She's doing well. But then Taya and Adam, don't follow each other on Instagram now,

so I don't think that's worked out. Are you fucking kidding? No. Spoilers, sorry, but what does that mean? See, this is why I don't follow them on Instagram. It doesn't mean that they, no, I don't follow them on Instagram. You have to wait to the end. to see if they do and I don't know that that means

they've definitely failed but it feels like that means they've failed right? I think you usually follow your partner on Instagram. Last year's sort of like a given. I think so too. I think so too. Anyway, enough about Marriott of First Side if you don't watch it this is going to be like, what? Why are they going on about it? I kind of want someone to send us a marriage

problem for a week to come. Me too. I also feel like if you're listening to this podcast and you don't watch Marit up for a site, you should be because you'd love it. Yeah. Like, or you're or you're having a terrible time listening to this podcast. I'm also saying if you are going to send in marriage problems though maybe not

like ones that need marriage counselling is you think that's too serious? No, I think 100% send us marriage counselling. How dare you? We're trusty hogs. We can sort it out. I understand marriage through and through. Way to be undermined by the receptionist I've been to over five weddings.

Imagine being a therapist and your receptionist coming in going, it seems like a serious problem but don't think you can handle it. How dare you, Andrew, book them in, book them. them in. Get them on the couch. We can do that. Helen, we can do this. I'm with you. I think we are best place to handle marriage questions. How dare you? Okay, but if there's any trusty hogs divorces, I'm not claiming any emotional responsibility. I will. I am. They were meant to be married. We told them what they did to do and they did the right thing. Okay, yes, fair point.

Any advice you do ask us, we'll be like, end the marriage. Andrew, that was just, that was someone helpful. Okay, now we're all fighting again. Yeah, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, okay. I just thinking, what if we get sued by a divorcee? That's not going to happen. Andrew, you've really catastrophized there. Yeah. Although, what court would see here in case? Oh, Judge Rinder would.

Yeah, but like... That would be good PR, actually. I think you get £1,000 to appear in Judge Rinder as well. So sue us. Yeah. Get a divorce. Sue us on Judge Rinder. If we do Judge Rinder, we'll stop asking you to sign up for our Patreon for a week.

Yeah. And also, Andrew, let's be realistic. If that was a thing that courts heard, how many girlfriends who had had too much boresco would be sued by the partners of those women who were like, she came on and she wanted a divorce, because all the girls were like, leave them, leave them, lay them, lay them.

Oh my God, you love my nights out. I do. This is the thing. I really do. Just not being no one makes to be like, you can do better, you can do better, you can do better. Like from three single unhappy women. Do not settle.

Yeah, so anyway, um, Andrew, fuck you. We can handle it. Bring on your marriage question. Hello, just wanted to do. say thank you to everyone who's subscribed to be our patrons on Patreon. We're so grateful. We finally hit 50 patrons. You know that I check it like every day. Like I refresh the link tree. Yeah. It's so sweet. Honestly, this podcast has been a labour of love and it has, we had to put some money into it at the start. And obviously, we are finally, we're, with 50 patrons,

we're, patrons, I don't know which one to say. Patrons. Yeah, with 50 patrons, we're able to cover the cost of renting the studio, which is so exciting. We're not losing money talking. We're not losing money now. Yay. What we'd absolutely love to do is make. money because then we could do things like put on live shows and have guests that get paid and maybe even make some money from this job but eventually pay ourselves yeah but let's not stress about that we just want to say thank you for those of you who donated and if you're enjoying the podcast and you could spare three quid a month so like the price of a coffee or five quid we will give you things and what do we give them andrew like lots of great things for three yeah for three quid

you get 24 hour early access nice and get all the goss ahead of everyone else love it for five pounds you get a whole extra episode. What? See, I think that's the one to go for. It's such a good bargain. You know what I mean? So a coffee is what, like three pounds. Yeah.

And then a coffee and a pastry, just don't do that one day a week. And then you're covered for the full month. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, please. And it's four episodes a month, basically, because we can have extra content from every episode. That's so good.

Holy shit. If you're feeling very generous and you want to give us 10 quid a month, what do you get? 48-hour early access to booking tickets for live events. Yes, please. And 10% off merch, which is coming soon.

Yes, and all of the above as well. Obviously, you get everything, the lower funds get you as well. And then there are higher tiers of patron, which we really appreciate if anyone is able to afford them. Like, obviously, we don't know your financial details. We want to.

Yeah, tell us. We don't. We do. But thank you so much for everyone that has helped so far. I find the sincerity so difficult. I know. It's so hard.

But it means so much. The next goal is obviously to get to 100 patrons, so that's our goal. Please, please, if you can't afford to give us any money, the best thing you can do for us like, subscribe, and please tell five friends about the podcast because that also helps us.

I feel like that's the best thing, because that's how I get all my podcasts that I love. It's just how I'm going, you have to listen to this. It's so, so good. So if you can just like mention it when you're out and about, be like, oh, I love this podcast. Like, shout about it. Then we get more listeners. Tweet about it. You can do more with it.

All that. Yes, please. Okay, sincerity over. You're all the worst. That was the most aggressive thing. Was it? It was intense. That felt like one of my cuter ones.

No, you made full eye contact with me. and I hated it. Hi. Hi, I was not ready for that. It's okay, we're here, we're here. We have a guest. We have a guest here. Hello.

Oh my God, who is it? It's me, Fern Brady. No, I know. It was like a little thing. I thought it would be really, really cute because it's like we're getting toward Panto season, so I thought like a September. So they can see who it is if they're watching on YouTube.

Yeah, but if they're not watching on YouTube. Okay, that's true. Who is it? It's Fern Brady. Oh, good. Five clues. It's too late. It's too late.

How are you? Good, thank you. Yeah, how are you feeling? Very happy. I'm happy to be one of the first guests and what will inevitably be a huge podcast. Oh, what a flirt. Or what could happen is we fall out so epically

that it all goes down in flames. You and I? I reckon we could have that. Yeah. I don't think I take you seriously enough to fall out with you. Really? Yeah. I could see it for us like wrestling to the death.

I think that would just end in sex. Even then it could just be a live podcast event, couldn't it? I suppose so. We'd have that. Do you not just, what me and Alison do with our podcast is we just save up all our chats for each week to try and... Oh, you mean you don't maintain a friendship outside of it anymore? Well, we do when we're not... I've noticed I've been hanging out over more since we've not been recording the podcast.

Yeah, because you don't want to spoil all your good stuff. Well, a lot of times we're like, oh, do you know what? I'll just tell you this on the podcast. So it's terrible. I feel like you've tried to do that with me, but we're yet to run out of chat. Yeah, but I also think that I do that. sometimes because you take a really long time on phone calls. I do.

I have to go. I have to go. So I just say, let's do it on the podcast. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So, Fern, how's your week been? Good.

What have I done this week? Well, today's only Tuesday, so I don't watch. Go back seven days in your mind then. My cat, I had to take my cat to the groomer because he'd been sucking on his chest here, probably because he's so depressed from living with me. Wait, you mean, like, bending over and, like, sucking, like, He likes to suck on his chest here and, like, if he dribbles any milk

into, he sucks the milk out of it, it's really sad. Is that like sucking chocolate out of your top when you get a little bit on your t-shirt? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the top of your skin. Yeah, I don't want to cast any aspersions, but based on your Instagram presence, you seem like a needy cat owner?

Well, I'm a dog person, so I'm not a cat owner, really. I got the cat because I wasn't allowed to dog. Yeah. And he does, he does get, stressed out from being with me, whereas my boyfriend's more a cat person that just leaves them to do his thing. Yeah. I still don't understand why your cat is sucking itself off, but just using fur. No, he doesn't suck his way. He sucks his chest here. It still feels like a pleasurable thing.

Like there's things you can do to yourself that are pleasurable that aren't anything to do with like your genitals. Like, you know when you play with your ear? Sorry, you never play with your tits, you never pull out your tits. You never do it. Exactly. Exactly. So come on. Yeah. She said she does it at parties and stuff. Yeah. Everyone wants it. Just standing in the corner. Exactly. For the listener, Helen held her tits and put her tongue out and stared to the sky. Should you be wondering what it was? No, but I know what you mean. I have a question, and I feel like I've asked you this by a messenger, but I'm just going to be open. Because I text you beforehand to say, can we talk about this? And you made a good point, which was like there shouldn't be a taboo around it. But I think, maybe, I think I'm obsessed about getting Botox for long enough that I think I should probably just try it and see if it's any good for me.

But recommend? Well, there's a whole other one. world of injectables out there and Botox isn't great if you want to emote during your stand-up show so the first time I had it she did there was too much she did too much okay and uh I had a lovely shiny robot head for the full summer yeah I do worry about that I tried to look up at the sun um as it started to kick in and I nearly fell backwards because you need you need your eyebrows to move of you look up at the sun. Oh wow.

You have to tell your whole body back. I mean, you just fall over. Okay, this is good argument against. And the thing is, I'm, I should say, I'm a person who has been thinking about this for ages, and I go between, like, I don't need it. I'm a feminist or something. And then you don't, because your face is nice.

But then I also, we have to see ourselves so fucking much that I just obsess about tiny things. And then I also get scared. So then I'm like, but what if I get, like, botched? And I don't want to be honest. a reality TV show for that reason. See, I think that's why you want to get a Botox is the chance of getting on. There does sound like a risk that is, it's like there's a jeopardy there that seems exciting.

Like I get a lot of piercings for the same reason. It's like, no, no, look, the way people get botched is they go to a woman that comes around your house that's done a certificate and how it's nice to be at home. Or they go to Botox parties or stuff. When you see bad jobs, it's because people have not paid very much money for it. You want to go to a dentist or a doctor. or someone who knows where all the nerves are in the face. So I go to someone proper.

What do you get? I had profilio last week, but you get two sessions of that. Okay. Because Joanne McNally was like, get profilio. I'm trying to do it. Wait, what is profiling?

I let me to be clear, that's a very bad impression of Joanne McNallie. That's like actively bad. Cut that out. Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in. She's not as frightening as she's seen. Also, she's the nicest.

By the way, Joanne didn't even say it to me. She messaged me on Instagram, but I imagined her saying, God, Propylia. Oh, I read some people's messages in their voice. I do that with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Profiloh is just like, you could get at any age, and it's just like they inject hyaluronic acid into your skin. It's like a moisturiser on your skin. See, then you glow through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I'll be honest. I already messaged the person who did Joans, because she makes this constant joke. She calls it perfideral. And so I messaged him and just said, look, do I have to forever hanker after Joanne's skin? Or can we get perfideral's to go?

What's the deal? And he messaged me back to be like, lull, let's do it. But then I got chicken, I got scared. I got scared. But that one wears off, doesn't it? Like it gets injected in.

They all wear it off. It's all melting in your face. So I want to not get these things done. Because I want to get a flat in Glasgow. So that's how I'm trying to stop myself from doing it. They are expensive. Have things that melt in your face or have a property in Glasgow. Okay, this isn't the sales pitch I was expecting from you.

I actively feel more like I won't get it now. Well, you're saying you're scared. Everyone feels weird about it the first time. And then after that, you're just like, this is great. Why is everyone lying to me about it? And I'll tell you why. Because you're buying a status, basically, but where did I start with this? I did this program recently where I was talking to this woman about stereotypes of Essex girls.

The woman was an expert on witchcraft and witch trials. What? Witch trials in Essex. She said that when it used to just be aristocrats who wore makeup. Yeah. And then when working class women started wearing makeup, that was when people had a problem with it. And that was when they started trying pretty glamorous women for witchcraft. Because you seem to be taking a statement.

status that isn't yours and if you think about it with like love island women there was some love island women who had a load of plastic surgery and the press were really annoyed yeah because if you're all working class women really one of your i mean you don't have social networks you don't have like a bunch of people from school that are going to give you a job all you have is your looks so if you buy good looks um you're sort of taking this status that you don't oh my god i'd never thought That's really interesting. So that's the way I think about it. I do think it's also about a faux feminism.

So I think that like people don't want us to fetishize youth, but simultaneously do. And then punish women for being held to the same to a standard that they continue to abide by. So it's like we actively make beauty definitional with things with all things youthful, thinness like like like basically on moving faces. And clear skin. And then when women are like,

I've noticed this intense beauty standard I think I might try to adhere to it people are like you fucking weak bit the weakness the weakness the weakness like generalisation of like women all want this like we're all different we all want different things

it's pure fucking madness what I mean to say is that women are the ones who are judged harshly by it and I also think it's interesting that like we we really don't like the idea that people buy beauty it's like we want beauty to be this intrinsically

natural wondrous thing that you like that makes you special as opposed to like, it's just as random to be born with it as it is to have the money to buy it. But we're like, but one is special and one makes you an idiot. It's frustrating. Okay, fuck it, I'm in.

Let's all get Botox together. No, I'm in and all of a sudden, it's just suddenly changed for me. This is a Botox party. Basically, I was raised by a mother who was like, you want to have some lines because it shows you've lived. I love that.

She was always like, if you get to the age of like 40, even 30 and you have any lines in your face, Short shows you've never cried, you've never laughed. Which I think is maybe more her generation sort of a thing. But it's interesting. No, but I do think the influences around you affect you. Like, I think a lot of comedians, female comedians on television look incredibly glamorous. And we're coming up in a time in comedy where I do feel under pressure to look a certain way as a female comic.

Yeah. Because the Daily Mash, the Mash report, all women on it, including you, are so beautiful. Thank you. Oh, my God. Stevie Martin. She looked amazing. Didn't she? She looked incredible. Yeah, she looked incredible.

She's already got a lovely, cute face, but the makeup just was so good. She looked amazing. The 60s vibe was good. I also thought she was funny. Who cares? Who cares? Nice dress, boy.

Who cares? You're talking about your mom being raised by a mom that said about wrinkle lines. I was saying to you the other day, I very unusually, apparently, from what I hear of other women, my mom never raised me being weird about food. my mom only wore makeup

once a year or something and she says that it's really saddens us how much I care about looks now and it all started I remember at the So You Finker Funny final As everything begins I'm a bloody guy

I was joint runner up with Lucy Beaumont Congratulations Tiny beautiful blonde And then the review of it was like Lucy Beaumont Twinkles on stage so petite

and so lovely I was like Bennett's review because you could tell when he fancied someone and then it was like Fair Brady Lumbers on stage a big unit big Scottish beast and then the picture of me

because I was like fatter when I started comedy so the picture I just looked like this fat melted candle and I was wearing like this I think this is the problem right there's two things one nobody can take a good photo of anybody doing stand-up

it's always from under your chin it's always you pulling the worst faces because you're doing an impression of yourself shaving your pubs or whatever your bit is that night and it's obviously look horrendous the second thing is though it's so many photos like I don't have my photo

no other job have I ever had where it's like pretty much weekly somebody takes your photo and then it gets published somewhere and it's really hard not to engage with that but I do think I really want a copy of that review

I'm sorry that's so funny it's so funny it's not true I remember I got reviewed for something and you were emceeing it was the 99 club Bursary. Okay. Which is like, it's just sort of like women and non-binary comedians and we're all doing like our best sets

to try and win 500 pounds to go towards our Edinburgh debut which is like a really big help. And they reviewed it sort of a thing. I think I came joint winner with Janine Haruny and the review was of everyone's material. And then for me they were like Helen's tall like Miranda or. Brienavtarth.

Isn't it, do you not, like, it feels so bad being a tall woman in this country. Like, I love when I go to Holland or Scandinavia and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always, you just feel like, I don't know, not as, I don't know, I've always felt a bit self-conscious. But I either feel tall or too short because I also, then half the time having people go,

like, you're not six-first, you're not six-one, and being like, no, I am. Like, I don't, I don't, I, like, what a weird thing to get? Keep saying, yeah. I don't have, mine isn't the same,

but the only equivalent I have of that is like, but you're not Irish and you're like, why would I make it up? Why would I make that? But you're, you're American and you're like,

no, but you've been, not a bit, like, yeah, but you've been raised there. Why are we, no,

why are we doing? You don't know about one of those American Dublin accents? But lots of people think I do. Lots of people think I do. No. It's really odd.

So I would say it was like a Trinity accent. Oh my God. Fern knows are Irish shit. Could it see normal people That's the normal people Yeah My boyfriend went there And he switches between

His Trinity accent And then like As a treat he does his Galway As a treat You like talk like a sort of farmer And talk really fast It's really funny There's real

There's specific words That if you're into an Irish accent Like people love so Chieftin Yeah or like just sounds Like my girlfriend loves cloth or orange she's just like

yeah cloth cloth you also add in sh sounds where there shouldn't be words like if you were saying that a word that starts with ST my boyfriend's mom will say I stop

instead of stah I would just stop that's it yeah yeah it's so annoying that one okay well we're celebrating fun obviously not a king of burns that's fine but it would be weird if you found your boyfriend's mom's voice sexy i guess

well i should add that she's um english which he hid from me till i met her so that's why it's especially weird that she has this sort of englishy irishy oh okay i don't have any time for that to be fair yeah maybe she was trying to fit in i think well so her period has to know for me so he gets very upset when i say she's english and he's like they just moved over they had her in england then they moved back okay well that's some trader talk if you asked me. Fern, we have a problem from

a listener. Well, the problem is that Catherine wants Botox, but she's too scared to go through. But also she hates herself for it, but also that's not what I've emailed. She has an identical position to me and that we're just players in a game. Isn't it? Like, you have to compete with

everyone else. I just think we all have one plastic surgery procedure, which is the one that we'd want. For me, boob lift. I've got the 2030 rock I've got the meat I just need the left quite a big operation

yeah that's a big one I figured they could just like grab some skin and pin it no you haven't end up with an anchor scar underneath though which can be quite intense so from nipple down on either side you're going to have a big scar but they can heal pretty well

me too and they're pretty sexy edgy yeah I don't know about edgy but they're sexy but it is like it's a big difference to your body oh man and also have you ever seen also sometimes don't you like leak from your nipples and stuff when they get wins.

What? I've looked into this. Anyway, I don't know why. I have no boobs to be lifted. What comes out of the nipple? Puss. And blood, yeah. I think I quite like that.

A pussy nipple. That's something to play with at home. I enjoy a spot. So I think that would be like... No, that's why I had to take out my nipple ring because I couldn't deal with any sort of... I know. I know.

I was fucking mingin, isn't it? Okay, first of all, this doesn't be like a safe space anymore. But, sac is... She's bisexual. I had my nipple pierced but I just couldn't deal with the upkeep That's mad Why? Well you're not a member to take that

In the 90s or something She could have been You don't know me Oh God that's funny I wear a lot of this you don't know Are we But Andrew's going to read us The problem and then we're going to help

Trying to help them But I also think Andrew should say which one of us needs Botox I will not be playing this game No, go on, man, tell us It's a trick question, we all need it, we're disgusting Let's go I'd get it on one side So I could really see the effects

Oh, just want to ask for it Can we agree that this is all nonsense Like that we know it's all externally imposed nonsense Because throughout this conversation All we do is come back to our own bodies So we don't give a shit about anyone else Absolutely Well I just want to be like many of Margulies

I never know if it's Markoyles or Margulies I think it's Margulies. I think it is Margulies. I met her in a Poundland once. What? What? What? But is it a Poundland or Poundlandlandland?

Poundland. Come here, use would get on. Because my, someone I know at the BBC is that Mary and Margulies likes to introduce herself by flopping one tett on the table. That's a hell of a move. Yeah. No, I met her.

I was working in a cafe in Ballam, and there was a regular customer who had just got a puppy, And we were all like young women working there. So we were like, you can have everything for free and we'll look after your puppy. So we were like taking care of his puppy all the time. So I went into Poundland to get something for the cafe and I had the little puppy with me

because of health and safety first. And Miriam was in the queue just before me and she went, oh God, what a precious thing. And then that was then. I was like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was so amazing. I love that she's getting, she seems to be in the press more and more.

and that her episode of the Louis Thoreau podcast, I was screaming. That's the only episode of Louis Thoree have ever listened to. Someone recommended it to me and I was like, fuck out, I'm doing it. It was so good. Yeah, it's great. She's so great.

She talks about how, um... Ports for fart! Think how, like, no one of our age or younger would ever talk about something like this in this way. It would all be a discussion centered around trauma and stuff. Yeah. She said that a guy, a soldier was wanking at her from up in a tree

and medals and eddard. It's the famous one she does on the Graham Norton show. So she gave him a hand job. She likes to help the chops. He was in the t-toe. Wow. Well, on that note, let's help somebody else.

As Miriam would want us to. Go on then, Andrew. Tell us the email. Read us the email. Who's it from? This is from D. D. We like to do initials to keep it anonymous. Okay, we'll have a message from D.

Let's hear it. So Dee has been seeing a guy recently. Okay, is Dee a guy? Yes, sorry, yes. That will become evident. Okay. Dee is a guy he's seeing a guy. Okay.

Very casually, but it's been made clear by the guy he's seeing that he's probably not ready for a relationship because he's not fully out to his family and friends. But Dee would like a relationship but doesn't see anything in the near future. Does he persist and help him come out or do you kind of cut your losses, as it were? sorry I'm slow can you say that again so this guy has seen someone he's seen this guy casually and this guy said I'm not ready for a relationship because I'm not out to my family yet

but but Dee would like to have a relationship with him so does he leave it or does he help him come out to his family and persist and then the thing is I think he's setting himself up for a huge rejection so which is to say that if it doesn't work out which is like just as likely where this guy doesn't want to come out or he helps him come out and then it doesn't go his way I think you're creating a huge level of investment

And I think people tell you who they are And they mean what they say Like if someone's saying to you I'm not ready for a relationship They're not ready for a relationship Because there's another voice in them That always wants to people please There's another voice in them that obviously likes you

Because they're spending time with you And they've pushed through those things To say I'm not ready for a relationship I think you should take it a face value Yeah and all the shame involved They're going to associate that with you If they haven't come out to their family Yeah

But I will say There is something, like, for this D person, when you fancy someone and you really like where it's going and they say, we can't see this barrier, everything in your brain goes, well, let's deal with this barrier together. It's that movie feeling, isn't it? Hold my hand, let's walk to the sunset. We can do anything together.

I don't think people can come out for... I don't think they should come out for you. I think they have to come out for themselves. And also, like, sidebar, why haven't they come out to their family? Do they, are they not totally comfortable with their sexuality? Is it their family's fault? What's the vibe? Yeah.

It was quite a long email. So I think the vibe is that he's kind of only freshly realized his sexuality. He's told some friends, but not all of his family and some close friends. I think then being like freshly realizing a sexuality is a difficult thing and to get into a relationship because you're still wanting to explore it. I think let's just make a grand assumption that if it's new to the sexuality, D might be the first time this man's ever been with another man. Or like theory.

Yeah. There is that sort of thing of like, you want to try the whole pick a mix. That's like just getting the minstrels. I also just, I'm the, I say this like with love, but I've been the biggest culprit of not believing what people have told me about themselves at the start because I've just been like, I'll just project what I want from you onto you instead. And then when they break up with me or I break up with them years later,

it's like every sign was there. They told me this would happen in their actions at the time and I just chose to believe I was special. So like, that's an Oprah thing. people tell you who they are. Oh, when people tell you who they are, she used to believe them. Although when I dated girls, I used to,

I didn't want to tell them that I wasn't out of my family, so I would just make up stories about how accepting my family was. Oh, that's so fucking sad! It was really, it's really, but... What? What?

I, like, oh, fuck. I was dating this girl that had an androgynous name. That's not the word for it, is it? Could have been a boy, or a girl's name. Yeah. And my mom saw her name on my phone and was like, oh, it was so-and-so.

And I just did it. I had, like, so many opportunities to say, and I just did it. And all the sort of, like, embarrassment and the, every time I went out with a girl, the embarrassment around it and the conflict I felt just got in the way a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. I think that's not an easy journey that gets resolved real.

fast and I think look you can absolutely be like I'm in this and maybe they'll change their mind but I don't think you can be like should I stick with it and help them come out they have to do that by themselves and it's going to be complex so you can be there for it but I don't think you can decide I don't think you can

I think you should take what they're saying at face value yeah that's my opinion it sucks but like leave it would it be wrong to like just carry on casually hanging out and having fun but I think at the point of what you're asking this conversation and you're emailing let's it's a very random homosexuals and Helen

about it you you obviously care more than casually would we say I think so I've got a friend who's had women use her as an experiment over and over again she's happily engaged now

but every type what the women do is keep you on the side and like keep you're like this sort of secret thing and then just dispose of you when they feel like it. See, I don't know if that's still a common thing because more young people seem to be okay was saying they're by or queer now.

So are people still like that? I think I would say that I'm not a very good example because I generally wasn't used as a starter gay. I think I mean, I think I was maybe like some people's realization insofar as they were like, oh, well, if you can have long hair, maybe I could be. But I generally wasn't used as an experiment

because I don't think I seem gay enough for that maybe? No, yeah, no, I'd say it It happens more with There's some gay women Where it's like their type is closeted by women

And it's just a terrible pattern to get That's the thing I've never redated femmes So it wasn't really an issue Right, yeah But that's not me to stare at, I'm just, That's a sweeping generalisation there I had it quite a lot of school I say a lot like three times

That's a lot for school Yeah, there is a lot. And yeah, all three guys are now quote unquote straight. So, yeah. Honestly, I thought I was like the most effective conversion therapy for a while. Yeah. I never happened to a friend of mine when he was at school as well. Sort of like a guy who was like straight and was like going out with like a girl at our school sort of a thing.

But they were also like messing around on the side. I mean, I say all of this. my first girlfriend never said she was by always said she was straight and just liked me and then was straight thereafter I believe well I think I'm heteromantic but bisexual

and that's a really great thing I've learned from younger people because I wish I'd had the language to say that when I was younger instead of thinking of myself as a shitty bisexual because I was like I do keep having sex with women and I like that part but I'm much more prepared to humiliate myself

for men. Oh, and the inverse, I would think. I kept, I love having sex with men, but generally have much more romantic feelings for women. Right. Yeah. So, and my, my best friend describes herself as gay, but she, she's occasionally had sex with men. Yeah. And she says, oh, but just to be debauched. That's how she describes it. And she was like, and you only have sex with women to be debauched. And I was, and now I've learned, like, the right words for it. Yeah. Um, because I, I definitely wasn't doing it as an experiment. I did it too many times for it to be an experiment. The theory had been proven and yet you persisted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't really feel, I don't think I would feel, all the girls I dated, I found them hard work, like really hard work in terms of how much they needed. Thank you. We are hard work, but I love that. Yes. Oh my God, I love it.

I think a lot of gay women like that. Oh, the drama. For sure. Oh, give me the fucking drama. I love it so much. How many supposed to fuck you if we haven't cried and cried today? Come on. I've only ever dated men and I think they've all been straight.

I've fallen in love with gay men consistently. That's the way I can't fancy someone that doesn't fancy me. I would never fancy a gay guy. Oh, see, I fancy them if they think I'm disgusting because I'm like, I hate me too. I love it. I fucking love. No, Helen. Like you think I'm disgusting, we get along.

No. But like the lack of drama is so significant. Like I have to bring the whole thing. I've had to do arguments by myself before just to fill some time. Like just sort of screaming at the street and they're like, no, no, nothing matters. And I'm like, everything matters. And it is frustrating because it's like I'm willing to multi-roll. I always have been.

I'm very much sharing that vibe. Like my name's Cher, this is Westl's story and I'll be playing all the parts. Yeah. But sometimes it's like just a cameo. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, problem solved. Leave it. Leave the relationship.

It's not even a relationship. Go over yourself. Oh, wow. I think I would just say, protect yourself from hurt. And that's, the hurt sounds inevitable. So to my mind, just say, tell you what, if you do come out and you're more interested in a more serious thing, because that's where my head is out with this. I changed my answer. Then I'll be available.

That one. But, yeah. I agree. What do you think? Yeah, that was what I was thinking, because someone's going to get through to this person one day and help them come out. Yeah, but it's not worth staying in it for you to then just be disposed of quite callously down the line, which could happen. But also the role that you're describing sounds like that of a friend. And you don't feel, I don't think Dee has friendship feelings.

I think Dee, take this person to the zoo and have a good chat. Is that where you break up with people at the zoo? Always at the zoo. Which exhibit? Monkeys. Oh wow. So specific. No, it's not. It's a song.

You know that song like Tell Me on a Sunday? It's this really random musical theatre song. You bring this up every time. Break up with me at a zoo, like where there's chimpanzees. And I'm like, that's just so fucking lush. Is it? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Oh, you don't want me. And that animal's throwing shit at the window. They don't throw shit that much. Okay. They don't. They don't. Brun Brady, you've been an excellent guest. Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. Let's get Brun around of the boblas. Yay. I think people are clapping at home. Me too. Thanks, Byrne. Thank you.

Oh, and obviously. listen to Wheel of misfortune. Yes, where can they find you for own? I'm on Twitter at Ferran Brady and on Instagram at Fern from Bathgate. And she'll be like tagged in all of social medias and like... And she looks

21 even though she's actually secretly 104. Insane. It's crazy. It's crazy. I think that's also just acting like a little baby helps me seem young. I'm on tour from January, the end of January. Lots of new dates have been

added. Thanks for the remainder. Yes, go to freaking on tour. Yeah. Fucking Charterall, by the way. Anyway. We'll deal with that. We'll leave it. Thank you so much. Baby.

Yay. Oh my God, this is exciting. It's happening. Andrew's going to tell us who are our patrons, Andrew. There's 51 of them. There's 51 of them and we have 16 producers and two. Oh my God. 16 producers. Thank you so much.

Executive producers. Two executive producers. They basically get to see our. are tits for the amount of money that they're doing us. I'm happy to do it. No, you're not. Let's not commit to that. So our producers, we have the wonderful Lee Myers-Cote. Thank you,

David Walker. Oh, David. I love David. Tim and Dom. Tim and Dom. I mean... Sorry, they're trying to be an exact producer as one person. No, producer together. I'm sorry, producer. Are they sharing the producer credit? Only one of them's getting the mug.

So, Tim's getting the mug, and if Dom wants a mug, he to produce it himself as well. Oh, my God. Why, Dom? Why, Dom? Why, do you, like, maybe be as good as your husband? Thank you so much. Oh, right, yeah, sorry.

Thank you so much. It just seems crazy to me that they're trying to share a ticket to the show. I love they're doing it together. I think I should slash. No, I think it's cute. Thank you. We also have the wonderful Kirah Leach. Thank you, Kira.

Richard. Richard. S.B. Dubs. S.B. Dobs. L? L. Thank you, L. We love L.

I'm on the ships. Thank you, Elle. Richard Balls. Richard Balls. Bold, bold, sorry. Balls. That makes more sense. We were like, Annie Cousin of Ed?

Thank you, Richard Bold. Good. Sadie Cashmore. Thank you, Sadie. Neil Redmond. Neil. Oh, Neil. So generous.

Rachel R. Rachel R. Thank you, Rachel. I know who that is. Thank you so much. Victoria, Hutchison. Thank you, Victoria. Thank you, Victoria.

Thank you. Emma Walton. Emma Walton. Hi, Emma. Hello, Emma. you're an angel. Karen Bull. Oh, thanks, Karen.

Thank you, Karen. Not all Karen's are bad. Doing good things for the Karen. Anthony Conway. Thank you. Anthony, Conway. Thank you. And our final producer, Harold Van Dyke.

Oh, thank you, Harold, Farrow, Van Dyke. You're so good. Thank you for supporting us, guys. We so appreciate it. Oh, and then our two executive. Two executive names. I mean, we know him.

They're in the executive suite. Simon Moore. Simon Moore. Simon and the lovely. Guy Goodman. Guy Goodman. Thank you all so much. Thank you both so much. All of you.

And also to the three and five pounds as well. We're super, super grateful. Oh, my God, 100%. We couldn't do this without you. Thank you so much all of you. One step closer to the Disneyland America. And let's stop us of our goals. Okay.

Pay my legal fees and then I'm going to Mickey's house. That's not what that. Keep giving us money for the patrons. I've got to pay my legal fees. We've got to get some Dominoes and then I'm going to be Mickey Mouse in his house. M-I-T-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Ha-O-U-S-E.