Trusty Hogs - Ep40. JOHN HASTINGS / Grammys, Gluten & Gay History

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

A rollercoaster of a ride with John Hastings this week (although most of his crazy life story will be in the extras!). We also find time to solve two problems, join Catherine on a baking course, and teach Helen some gay history...Follow John: @TheJohnHastingsThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie TonnerPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver Jago / Alex PughWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Helen Bauer, it's episode 40. Four zero. We're only 40. We're only 40. I would love if my voice regrets to that, like Benjamin Buttons of the voice. I would hate that. I would hate that. I would hate that so much.

You're just about bearable, I'd say. Welcome to the podcast, Trustee Hogs, an episode, a podcast even, where we tell you about our lives. We have listeners to ride in with their problems. We help solve them. We have a gorgeous guest today. We have the incredible comedian. John Hastings.

Another ginger. Another ginger on the giant. Oh, fuck, I hadn't thought about that. I know. It's gross. Let's deal with this in a minute. Welcome to trusty hogs. Through the fog.

Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't. And that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh. It's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs

Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not It's nice to have you here Helen, I have so much aside It's nice to have me here? Yeah, I'm always here where are you treating me like a guest? Look, I'm trying a new thing today where I'm nice to you It's nice to see you, I'm pleased we're doing this Why are you trying a new thing to be nice to me?

Because my girlfriend told me I bully you And I'm like, I don't, she just has to be the point She has to be taken in hand is what I said oh my god are you baby baby katherine you can look at me are you worried there's some truth in that but you do you have to sometimes be told otherwise we would never get the podcast on i do feel sometimes bullied not bullied not celebrated and for me that's very similar right i'm sorry i'm here to celebrate you and your gorgeous tits like you don't let me like if i get hungry and hot and i want to go get an ice cream and we're in the middle of the

an episode, you're a bit funny about it. I know, I'm such a bit. Whereas I feel like you're not celebrating me and who I am. I get it. It's not like I wouldn't bring you back a Salero. I don't want a Salero. What do you want? Bring you back? From where? Where is the Salero coming from? Little waitrose.

Little waitress. Little waitress. Little waitress. Oh my gosh. The regression is real and I hear it. It's loads of. Helen Barry, have so much to tell you. Tell me everything. First of all, I have a couple of parish announcements. Does any other one. Does I get to a podcast? Do parish announcements, by the way?

I'm thinking of making it a thing. I mean, I would call it like it. So when someone's died, who wants to do the flowers, she did them for years. Yeah, well, Helen, here's what I'm saying is people have dictionary corner. Other people have corrections corner. I want to have parish announcements on the takey show. I would like that. Okay, parish announcements.

Do you have to do it in an Irish accent? Yeah, and I think you're going to love them. I should do the whole thing in an Irish accent. No, I'm going to do mine in an Irish accent too. Okay, great. Parish announcements are as follows. It turns out last episode, I did not. believe you when you said a long time listener fred a 17 year old from australia was in the country

18 now and they will correct us okay and you yelled at helen listen can i there's no interruptions of the parish announcements thank you i have the pulpit so the pulpit what i would like to say is you were right thank you and i was not right wrong so that's one the other announcement is that But Oliver Jago, long-time listener too, has sent us all the most beautiful portraits of our animals and animals that don't even belong to me. And gorgeous gifts and generosity was so, honestly, you were so kind and we just wanted to say thanks.

Huge shout out to Oliver Jago, the parish thanks you. Yes. And then my third announcement is to say that, I love you. You're my good friend. And I would like it on note so that I can treat you whatever way I want when we start the podcast proper. Do you have any parish announcements?

No. Moving on. Oh my God. I don't think I even got a moment to think. If you don't come with them ready, it's a parish announcement. Does it have to be an apology to the other person? Or can it be?

An apology amendment or a recognition. So is pancake dead? Pancake lives on. Great. Do you have anything to apologize for? I'm wearing these hair clips, I guess. No, these are great. It's too big.

It looks sarcastic on me. It's like flower crown. I just agree. I love the hair. My parish announcement is now I wear hair clips. I love them. I love them. I'm 31.

I don't wash my hair that often. It's a, but I feel like it's the ultimate distraction. Love it. Two big old hair clips. They're from Oliver Bonas. It's a small boutique. I'm a shame.

My mom calls it OB. I genuinely think it's impossible to go into OB and not spend 30 pounds. Agreed. It is impossible. Have you ever done it, Andrew? The socks cost 30 pounds. The hair clips cost 30 pounds.

The tops cost 30 pounds. And since you bought me the slippers from there, I'm aware I can fit into them. So then I was looking at all these slippers because I dropped a cigarette on my orange ones and I was like a big burn on it. Yeah, I still wear them, but they're not like top quality anymore.

Wow. Well, they were never, they were never, like an apology. They were never going to last forever. Like, I'm wearing them inside outside. I bought them, they looked such like,

these are slippers she will smoke in, so honestly I should have known. I do. Don't they have that vibe? I look so good smoking in them. You look like you own a pub in them. Thank you. I know, I wondered when I was like,

younger for a while, whether I'd be someone that owned a pub and live above it. Because, like, it's got a pub when you can just wear the aesthetic. It's got all my favorite parts of, like, working in catering. Yeah. Like, it's pouring pints. It's cleaning glasses.

It's wiping down tables, but it's not that really long, tricky silver service. Like, you can put... Those are the two options. I don't like laying a table. I always found that really long and boring in catering. But pubs, you just leave, like, a bucket with, like, your sources, yeah, your spreads. It can be one box. It can just be like, eh, have it.

And I love that because there's nothing better than, like, you know, when you sit down at a pub table and you've ordered your food and you realise you're out of table with four sources and they're full. Yeah, heaven. Heaven. Oh my God. Somebody's just decanted right into those bad boys.

I guess that's my parish announcement, I feel. Parish announcements have definitely ended. No, oh what? Andrew might have a parish announcement. No, there's no interrupt to the parish announcement. They're over. I'm going to his first pride tomorrow. Oh, he's going to his first pride.

That's a good parish announcement. No, no, you're confusing information or chat with actual announcements. Parish announcements, I've said this already, are death notice. excuses, apologies, acknowledgments. It's just news if you're telling me. I'm sorry we're going to do parish announcements differently. That's an apology. Go ahead.

If we do parish announcements, to be fair, Catherine is right. If we do parish announcements with no boundaries, that is just the podcast. Thank you, Andrew. Do I have to wait for someone to die? I now declare parish announcements closed. Well done. I'm going to pride tomorrow. That's exciting.

Which one are you going to? The big London. The big in. Yeah, the big in. Accidentally, I'm meeting this guy that... Third days? Third day, yeah. Oh my God, good job.

We don't have a podcast the next day. I knew he wouldn't ghost. I knew. We told me the third day. That's exciting. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. It was that completely accidental. I was like, I'll come to you in London and we'll do stuff.

Talk to us, how are you doing pride? Where are you basing yourself? Are you going to wear the earrings that gave you? No, I left them back at home. I'm staying over in London tonight and I forgot them, sorry. Well, because I only found out it was pride on the train up today. You buy a man queer rings. You only found out it was pride.

No, I knew it was Pride month, obviously. I didn't know it was London Pride. Question. I saw it on the Metro. I don't want to be the straight girl. You found out on the Metro? In the Metro paper, yeah. It's a good paper.

I already got it for the street people. What were you doing? Reading the latest news about Lady Gang and then we're like, oh look, it's Pride tomorrow. Do you remember when Catherine apologised? The middle, and then if I'm feeling good, I'll go to the hard one. And if I struggle with the middle, I'll go back down to the easy one and make myself feel good. Oh, I love a man. knows his boundaries.

Yeah, no more. Right, so yeah, it's pride tomorrow. Can I be the straight girl that tells Andrew? Just to clarify, it won't be pride tomorrow by the time this episode goes out. Yeah. This is last week's pride from when you're listening. Oh, yeah, this is last week's pride.

But quickly, Andrew, as someone who has been to pride, you do want a base. A base? What kind of base? You do need a base. You need a base because of access to toilets and stuff. So here's my hot tip. Base in Soho, stay close to hotels, because they've got nice toilets in the lobbies.

Are you taking notes? For the podcast, yeah. I'm working. Okay, I was like, are you taking your notes on pride from hell and back? Obviously not, no, no. I'm just letting this wash over me

until you say something. It's very busy. There's cues for drinks everywhere. You want to find a base with access to a toilet. And I think hotels are the best kept secret of London. I agree.

I would say, also depending on what mood you're in, Soho Theatre can be quite fun. It's a nice place to get beers and stand on the street. Usually comics show up, but also queer show up. very exciting or a divergence of both as it were um very exciting i'll also be a trans pride you're coming if anybody wants to be trans pride trans pride i believe it's july ninth yeah if anybody

wants to come i'll see you there yeah my free i'll be there right where's that at soho yeah i'll see you all there um but yeah it's very exciting that you're gonna have the best time thank you're gonna see some things mainly mainly adverts but also mainly um uh drunk straight girls like me being like you're just all so beautiful. Has anyone come to that hotel bathroom? It's Devine.

My name's Helen. I don't agree with the lifestyle, but I will support your outfit. You live the lifestyle. You date the men. You live the lifestyle.

I do. I date so many gay men. That will be the main feature, I think, of London Pride, and I'm sorry for it. Can I tell you about... Oh God, I was going to say, it's funny to say about adverts.

You must be weird if you covered your first pride without knowing any history. Like, oh my goodness, did Barclays throw the first brick at Stonewall? What's going on? Seriously, that is literally it you're like... Question.

Yeah. Someone explains Stonewall. I know the phrase. How do you joke? No, I'm not joking. No, okay, you'll like this. It's about Judy Garland, in a way. In a roundabout way.

I love her. Okay, quiet now. Parish announcement. Back to Andrew. So, this is a parish announcement. Unfortunately, Judy Garland has died. Oh, so sad. Parish announcements are now.

Ceased, carry on with Stonewall. Is Judy Garland Stonewall? No, so basically, it was. The day of Judy Garland's funeral, and the Stonewall pub was a popular gay bar, raided quite a lot by the police, because the police... In London. In New York. Police always raided gay bars and stuff like that. On the night of Judy Garland's funeral, they were big party in celebration in Stonewall, and it got raided.

And the story is that there's a spilling of emotions, partly because of Judy Garland's funeral, but also partly because of, like, we know, this has happened a lot and we're tired of it. So all the patrons of Stonewall, the drag queens, all the queers, all the allies just fought back, started fighting the police. Wow, amazing. And they won? I mean, led by? Led by Marsha P. Johnson. Yeah. Oh!

Yeah. I know that name. Amazing. Yeah. And so it became a protest. And so essentially, Pride is a protest, baby, is the main thing to remember from that. And also that, you know, it's not that long ago either. Do you know what I love about it as well is that, all that.

All the pictures, they formed, joined arms and did a kickline at the police. No. Yeah, genuinely. Oh, my God. That's incredible. Like, more protests need choreography. Agree. Imagine the Arab Spring with a can-can.

Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Oh, my goodness. I love that. Is that pub still going? Oh, yeah, you can go to New York. Yeah. Wow.

I'm going to go when I go. I was just about to put a straight reference point in for Helen. It's like the Cheers Pub. You can go see it. Oh. You know. I was genuinely curious because it's one of those things that you hear all the time. And then you're like, I just don't know.

You know what you should watch is, have you watched Paris is Burning? I've watched Pride. You should watch Paris is Burning. Is that the drag scene film? Yeah. I think I've heard about this. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous.

Also, strong recommend if anybody hasn't watched it, Pose is divine on. Also heard about that. Gorge. Okay, so. Okay, thank you, Andrew. Happy lessons. This takes me to, frankly. Do you think Judy Garland was what?

them she knew from above looking down with them she was she was supporting them i hope so of course she was they supported her uh girl made all her show money off and those go those girls come on um did you see you see charlie x the xxed last in me like this one is for all the gay boys in the crowd and the literally the whole crowd is like whoa are you sure they weren't saying who else is here I really hope that is actually what was happening That's fucking beautiful What you mean?

What's the question? Lastonbury looked fucking terrifying Didn't it? Truly my nightmare. I saw so many pictures of my friends like smiling Looking like they were having fun Also they can't have been They were camping and outside

and watching music with all the, there's so many other people It's the people. It's the people. It's the people. people and the touch again the portal is my friends the portals are fine you can you can put up with anything for 10 seconds and how long does it take i cannot put up with that for 10 seconds okay whatever i just it's just it's a lot of a lot of energy yeah from a lot of different people and just you don't know where to be like it's the same thing i have in edinburgh like i'd be like i should

go see this show i need to see this show i need to catch up with this person but on speed like i hate it so i don't know where to be so i end up just sort of like sitting in a coffee shop just rocking watching Real House with Beverly Hills and my phone on clips Yeah, we'd end up in a tent watching reality TV together at Glaston we'd be like, making it be over. We wouldn't have the signal.

Also, as if you'd get in a tent with me. There's no signal. I would, you're told you, I assume you'd protect me. There's no, there's no signal? You know, people like piss and shit on the side of other people's friends? Apparently that's just Reading and Leeds. This is like stressing me out.

I don't like this. They get drunk and they just like, they just do whatever they want. People save up for this. Mm-hmm. I do want to go one year though. No. heard out, I heard if you performed it, you get free tickets.

Yeah, you do, but I, I've been offered to do so many festivals and it honestly was such a wonderful point to my career what I could say to my agency. You know what? I'm good. But that's when you had the tarot card reading, you got told your career was like this and I need to say yes to more things. This is why I'm going skiing in January. Sorry, what? Are you doing latitude? No. No, that's the fancy ski festival. I'm doing. I'm sorry, my mistake.

I thought the last sentence and the next sentence was connected. Oh, foolish, Catherine. How dare you think Helen's going to do a sequitur? I assumed we were having a logical conversation. I'm trying.

I am trying to say. No, the parish announcements are over. There is no format or rules anymore. You're going skiing in January. Oh, is this a parish announcement? No, no. I don't know. I don't know.

It's really not clear. So you're going. Don't cry out. Why are you skiing? Where are you skiing? Montreau. With who? Hewana, my agent.

With your agent? You're going to skiing with your agent. Well, I got an offer through for like, so. So it is a gig. It's a gig. It's in Montreau. But it's not outage. I know the festival you're talking about.

It's another comedy festival. And I got a message from, you know, Tom Horton. Lovely comedian Tom Horton. And being like, hey, do you ski? Do you want to do a festival? And I was like, don't ski. once the festival because I do like

travelling with gigs that's for sure and then I was like oh this sounds really fun because you get like free accommodation like a bit of money for the gigs but you basically get a free trip but then I was like

have you asked anyone else who's never been skiing before because I don't want to be that one who's like waiting in the bottom ask me I've never been skiing and well he hasn't asked me but I'd like to go. You should ask

I'm not begging to go skiing yeah I'll see better than that wow I but then I was like who else is like going and I was like maybe there'll be some non-skiers there and he was like Ivo Graham basically just listed everyone who's ever been to a private school and I was like I don't want to be assuming but they've all skied I think you can go ahead assume I've all skied so much I think

we're going to assume the man is so my agent got the offer through and she was like oh do you ski no I'm trying to say like fuck off I'm trying to say yes to things but I got a plus one as an offer and she was like, I've been skiing once before I could try and teach you and I was like, do it, perfect. Why would you not just learn together as opposed to have the person who's gone once trying to teach you?

She's a very confident young woman and I believe in her. But I think he'll be really good for me so they can do, there's the colour slopes, aren't there? Yeah, black is scary. Yeah, I learned this on a winter sports game I had on the Sega Mega Drive.

Yellow, you also don't eat the snow. Unless you made it yellow yourself. Red? Self-made, yes. No. Yes, it's good for your immune system. No, absolutely not. Who raised you? Who raised you?

Helen, I'm thrilled just saying yes to things. I did something yesterday that I wouldn't usually do. You going skiing too? No, absolutely. Donutting, tobogging. No, I just thought it's on a baking course. How is that the same a baking course? No, I'm just saying, can I believe?

I'm risking my life. Okay, but can I tell you about, well, what you should say this? Can I hear about your baking course, please? Yeah, so I did this bake ahead, bread ahead baking course. I got a gift from my friend Georgian, and it was amazing. A gluten-free course. Love you, please. I loved the course.

I loved the things we made. I loved. I was so, so joyful, but also... You're literally panicking. Take a breath. I loved it. I had the best time. I made stunning Amaretti.

I ate about 20 of them on the tube home. It was delightful. I will say, the people of Chelsea who do gluten-free baking courses are intense. Just like you. And specifically think themselves to be like put upon a put-upon minority. Just like you. So one woman said the words, it's just so great to do a course like this

because you meet people with the same problems and minority issues as you. Wait for it. Have you ever gone to a bakery where it's like, you know, this country's so bad. This country really, this country hates us. This country hates us.

I mean, how many times have I gone to a dinner at a restaurant where the only dessert I could get was a meringue or a brownie? Or a what are they called? Those called a panacotta. Oh, I love those. Because they're the easiest ones. Why?

We're treated so bad. Second, citizens she said also who those are the three best desserts what's wrong with you anyway I was like who hates brownies so she was like she said second class citizens and then she said other countries are so much better you can probably tell but I've just been on a yoga retreat in Tenerife hence the tan and they are so much better in Spain hence the tan I was like do you know what a minority issue is please tell me you got her number and invited her on as a gas

up for he's gonna be here next week of course your name was truly all of these people were like acting like listen I kept being like yeah but like it's way better than it was my granddad was a celiac right and he used to have to eat these like what I could describe as sand cubes and pretend they were bread oh yeah yeah that was it right and he only got diagnosed me with 80 because

his GP was like who knows just eat sausages and corn flakes both are flowering he had such a horrible life until he got diagnosed and I'm like but there was no amount of like you know you try to be like yeah but like isn't it cool things are getting better isn't it amazing you can do a course like this

Everything I said she was like, I should probably stop using her name. It was like, yeah, I don't think there's gluten. I don't think someone who thinks like that is listening to this. Oh, good point. Although there was a horrible moment where everyone had to go around and say what they tell a story about bread. Very strange.

So they all like laid out there woes. Wait, wait, wait. I used to work in a bakery that did baking courses in the Sunday and I would get coffee for everyone on the baking course. They go around and they say their names. You would think. And they say, oh, I'm here with these people or this was bought as a gift.

Why are you doing a story? Why are you doing a tight five about bread? I think the Italian chef really wanted it to, like, us to fill our own time. He had three very short recipes. He was like, let everybody do like an instrumental to bread, like do, you know, an interpretive dance on bread. There was a lot of time killing. Fine. So, oh, these biscuits were so good.

They're like genuinely worth it. But also these people were hilarious. Come on, give us some bread stories. I'm fascinated. Oh, but it was all like. I like my story was like I got

please call out her name just bleep her name assume her name is a very posh woman's name like Marcia but the story that's allowed that's allowed

but they were all things like her story was like well my second husband made me move to Cambridge outside Cambridge you understand because we wanted a bigger

property now I'm trapped in Cambridge because I'd have to sell my huge house there in order to live in a what flat in London I love that she's iconic So of course my access to gluten-free

goods is so limited because of course we're treated like second-class citizens and so I have to drive 15 kilometres to Cambridge to buy gluten-free And I'm like... That's not true Do you think it should be delivered to your door Also I'm pretty sure there's a service

It's called online shopping that does exactly that Also there are gluten-free options in London Like I don't know in Cambridge In Cambridge yeah but there are in Cambridge as well I know Like this was like she was so pot-upon and so like this is a minority rights issue

that the couple beside me who like initially were with her they were like yeah it's really hard it's crappy you know I could feel there like empathy just diminishing they were like yeah no it's bad it's not that but no it's bad

no it's good that we're diagnosed I mean it's not I don't know that I'd go on a march with you like it really intense so you've got to be careful who you're back in a public argument you got to be careful who you associate with

in a group of strangers immediately they talk to her really quickly because they had a similar age thankfully my ally was the young cool Australia girl. Oh, you made a friend. Well, no, but we like... Oh, you made a friend? No.

But we acknowledged what was happening with her eyes. And she asked me, but she, I thought she was my ally until across the table she was like, what do you do? And I was like, no, no, no, no. And I was just like, comedy. And then I saw my... No, just say midwife. You always say midwife. You always say midstop saying her name, please.

I'm sorry. Then this woman said, Like her head, like, turned around. You know, like, when the, like, devil gets and children and their head spins. Yeah. She was like, huh? And I had to be like, and you? To the Australian. And then we moved on.

Why don't you just say midwife? I will next time. It's the easiest one. Why midwife? Midwife? Super simple. They go like, oh, amazing. And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like, my mom was a midwife, so I got into it. And they asked any questions. What? Your mom doesn't bring you to work. Your mom was a midwife. I mean. And then they go like, oh, that's really sweet. And they go, oh, where do you?

work and you just go freelance so like I just like private private freelance private freelance trained by my mother freelance private freelance feel like you're not a wheel is this also a little bit of like stolen valour and then and then if they go like oh my god like so like how many babies do you live a week and just like actually I had a bit of a tricky one this week do you mind if we don't talk about it insinuate insinuate you've had an awful time and then it's over it honestly right I understand but it is full proof it is full proof it is full proof and also you both laughed at freelance there are there are people who work freelance delivering babies they deprive it rewind how is that

right now a hospital room how is that easier than saying my actual job or assistant or like a receptionist that's good actually receptionist I had never considered receptionist is the best let's go something already also I've not stolen valor it's something I've actually done that's but I also worked in catering and I was so sick the end of it people being like what's you like serve tables whereas the midwife i get a little bit of like respect yeah because you're not and all all that happens is you're just nervous that something's going to happen around you and you're going to have to step up as a medical professional i think i'm going to go with a receptionist yeah what okay what's he's their own i'm not telling you

having a baby and they're like oh thank goodness helen's here she's a midwife and she's freelance as well so that like it's not like i haven't watched called the midwife like it's not like i couldn't do a good job like i could guess it wow you pull baby out and put it and towels like wow okay where did you get your midwife qualifications from sorry again her mom her royal Holloway University

and Egham next question oh look forget it okay this has been really stressful but it made beautiful bread beautiful biscuits I'm not a doctor but I am considering training you delivered bread like a little I delivered bread and I made

cheese crackers and that is the end of that story and it's funny because I was telling a story about a woman who I thought was victimizing herself more than it was necessary. And then Helen somehow took that and ran with it to like an extent. They don't know why you're bullying me. I'm saving lives. I'm creating life,

Bertrand. Should we have our guests on? We should. Yeah. Please. Please. Parish announcement. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. That's not it. That's not it. End of parish announcement. I'm going to put a rule on parish announcements that you said it's just at the start of the episode.

Okay. I actually quite like this format point. Thank you. I'm writing it down. Thank you. Okay. Please welcome our guest. John Haysting. We'll work on it.

No one. It's John Hastings. He's here. What's up? Pogs? Are you obsessed with me and think I'm really fit? Do you want to have a go on Catherine Bohart in the bedroom? Do you want to hear what's happening with Andrew in his penis?

Is it an infection or is it just purple? Sign up to patreon.com for more. We do an extra episode every single week. There's over 40 episodes available right now if you join us on Patreon for £5 a month. Sex with me is not guaranteed. It's guaranteed. It's normal coloured, thank you.

But early access is guaranteed, as is an extra episode. See you on Patreon. Disclaimer, Catherine Bohol will not have you in her bedroom and Andrew White's penis is a normal pink colour. Thank you very much. I'm going to see my sister's snails. No.

This is Helen. This is donkey. Oh, you are someone who just lived in Berlin. This is absolutely a Japanese girlfriend away from being absolutely, like, not even a human being. I'm going to replace myself, so I don't want to see my boyfriend anymore with a Japanese body pillow. Oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Camico Chan. Are we recording?

I'm good. Do you think? John Hastings, hello, welcome. Hello, Helen, Catherine. So exciting to be here in the shipping container. I'm thrilled to have you. Don't give away our secrets. Why would you say that?

Guys, it's a podcast. This is, I am so against that this is recorded. Like, I am an old enough comedian that I remember a podcast used to be one of these microphones in someone's bedroom, unmade bed. The good old day. Eight people crowded around it, just pure talking, like, actual, behind the back gossip of comedy. Like, that's what a podcast. Comcom pod. Like, Comcom pod is like, what's your art?

I'm talking about, like, Nathaniel is a hack. I am not. fuck him like that sort of stuff you're so old the comedians were called things like

Nathanio first of all easy easy with the you're so old no come on you've done one of these but I did a

like we've all had traumatic podcast experiences I cried on one once I have no idea I have no idea what happened

I just lost it and I listened to the first five minutes of the episode to be like when if they kept it in and the episode starts with

I really thought she would have got in contact to say to cut things out, but she didn't. So anyway, here's Helen Power. And I was like, what podcast is it? How do we listen immediately to tell us? Mopod, Sophie Hagan's podcast. No.

I have no idea what was happening. What did you cry about? I don't know. I don't know. She does this thing where she asks your question and then she stops and listens. Have you heard about this? No. Can you repeat what you just said?

I was just, I was, get it. No, no, no, no. You shout over us or you don't get hurt. Guys, I'm a straight white man. I know how to do podcast. No, wait, wait. Okay, I did not have to do podcasts. I did a podcast recently.

I genuinely don't know what this one is called, so I'm not pretending. I don't want to interrupt you, but I want to talk about something else. That's bad. No, no, tell us you anecdote. You're not good. It was a classic bit.

I'm from America now. We do bits. Okay. I'm doing a bit. I'm doing a bit. Right. I'm flying to Berlin. This is a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, here we go. A new comedian that I messaged me going, like, hey, I just heard you on this podcast in the UK. I didn't realize you started in Germany. Can you come on my podcast? It's sort of about comedy, but it's a bit about mental health, but mainly about comedy. I was like, 100%. That sounds fine. You're new. You're sweet. I'll come to yours.

Also, she was like living a way that I could walk so I could get any Pokemon gyms. Fucking amazing. So I walked to hers in Friedrichstein. I get there. She has a notepad full of notes of me on other podcasts. I'm not joking. Talking about like You know those little things when you're talking about podcasts

and you just sort of go like, you mentioned something casually. Terrified. She was sweet, but she had everything laid out as to like, so you mentioned this eating disorder casually once? Do you want to discuss that? And I was like, probably not. This person just wants to wear your skin as a jacket. But then every time I went, oh, well, yeah, I did you talk about my mom quite a lot on stand-up?

And she was like, yeah, because me and my mom have a difficult relationship. But her, hers is really difficult. My mom just looks at me weird sometimes. So I opened up to her and I go, yeah, we have a good tricky relationship. to be up and down, but it's good in all. And then she was like, my mom told me I was fat and I had to lose weight and she wouldn't let me go in the house until I had.

And I was like, okay, oh, this is a stupid white girl. Did you let her know? I was like, I think you're talking about your dad. That's not a mom thing. That's a dad thing. That's amazing. I also hope you called Anne afterwards to be like, you know what?

You're not so bad, ma. Your mom's name is Anne Bauer? Yeah. Oh my God. That's a leader of man name. She really is. Yeah, exactly. I can see her on a hill, you know what I mean?

We're all named after her as well. Helen Ann Bauer, Marianne Bauer, Edward Michael Allen Bauer, Edward Michael Allen Bauer, it's a scratch. My microphone unplugged how ridiculous that last one was. Say that Michael one again, Michael Ann Bauer? That's like being like... Michael Allen, she said Alan. No, no. That's like I can rhyme anything with orange, borange, corn, jorange.

Edward, Michael, Alan Bauer. I think your mom is George Foreman. And I love her for it. Well, then why haven't I got to grow? Exactly correct. That's my question for you. Because you know, George Foreman named all of his kids some variation of George Foreman. No.

Like Georgina Foreman. No. Like, we can look this up. I think it's like George Forman Jr. Other George. Stupid George. Oh, stupid George is my favorite so far. Yeah, I know.

Stupid George is the best one. She's a nice girl. Yeah, exactly. Grillin George. Yeah. George Foreman the third. George Foreman the 6th. George Foreman.

Junior, Georgetta Foreman. Georgia. Didn't even fucking go with the George name we have. George Big Wheel

Foreman. His name is Big Wheel? Stop it. He was conceived at the background. He's got 12 kids, five of whom

are also named George. No, sorry, no. If you can't think of new names, you're not allowed to have 12 children. I'm having a child

named John Big Wheel Hastings, so... Not John Basting? No, no. That's what you call John Bates. I decided to change the surname.

I don't know how it works, John. I think Catherine's been overriffed. I have. That's exactly what happened there. You saw a comic break. I was like, I don't know, is it the letters or the words? What are we changing? But you could do loads of things like Jonah.

That's quite close to John. Joanna. Here's the really sad. Johnny. Is my family has a tradition where the first born of every generation is named John? Yeah, you're American. I'm a Canadian. How dare you?

It's the same thing. It is not the same thing. I believe an abortion. perform two on the way here, on the Victoria line. You, come in! Whipped it out. Yeah, I don't even know how to do. I don't know what the machine noise.

I'm actually a trade midwife, so I think I would know. I do not think you want a midwife who really is good at abortions. I feel like that's the worst time. Have you seen Vera Drake? I haven't actually. I don't know why I thought. This is all hell. So, John, you're back from the States.

I certainly am. You live in L.A. now. I live in L.A. now. I'm big time. I've got, I'm wearing flip-flops to prove it. You really are. Oh, my gosh. I know, it's crazy. He doesn't have the feet for it, but he's doesn't.

I do not have the feet for it, but I don't think. That's nice. I know, but they're, I haven't even looked. Put them down. You're not like feet? Are you not a feet person? Oh, good. Thank you.

Yeah, I knew. I felt like Catherine would be a person. You're not interested. She doesn't like anything. I don't hate them, but I do think they're private. Now, and that, stop, stop, stop. That was the most Irish Catholic phrase. I don't think abortions.

I meant your feet. No, I understand. No, but the idea that you said they're private is just so like, no, we just don't, like, oh. I once pulled down her jeans and looked to her vagina, and she got so angry. Catherine! I know, I'm a prude. Yeah. There was only like seven people there.

It wasn't like a public. Did this actually happen? Yes. Well, what was the context? What's the context of it? The context is Helen tells everyone I'm the bully in our friendship. No, you're the bully. But you're just a very fun bully.

The context is Helen had, without warning, gotten her own. own vagina out to show me because she was supposed to have, so, John, she was supposed to have sex with the man who'd cancelled on her, which mentioned she'd done the gardening but there was no viewers to see it, right? So she was, yeah. So she's furious. She needs to show this purple thing off to somebody. She comes in and shows it to me. I'm like

actually more interested than I thought it would be, she talks a lot, there's a lot of lore about her particular cunt. Very present. Yeah, so I thought, let's have a sea. Actually is, leads its own way, I'd say. Interesting. Yeah. So I have to look. Helen thought that the natural reciprocity here, even though she shows,

me without warning, said Vaj. It would be that she gets to pull my pants down and have a look at mine. I think I know what her logic is that led to this. I want to see if I can guess. This from a man will be even worse. Talk me what through consent, John. What I think Helen

thought was, I co-host a podcast. You didn't co-hold a podcast by then. Then we were co-hosting a Zoom show during lockdown. Before that. It was before that. You're on your own bar. You're on your fucking own. I was trying to find some sort of bridge of like, well, we do all these things together.

I've done it. It would only be... We're talking years ago. You are a Louis C.K. style predator, my friend. I know, but I do think we are wise. What a terrible reaction to that? That's not he's supposed to react to that. You're supposed to know, how dare you?

Not a... Thank you. Okay, so... I am really working on my stand-up. I've never seen someone... I don't think cancel culture is a thing in the way that it screamed out on so many podcasts, but I've never seen someone self-cancel. And so therefore you just keep going.

You know what I mean? I don't think I'm cancelable because I'm so thick. Okay? And I think that's a difference. And also, there's never been a woman canceled. And I think it'd be interesting to be the fast. I don't think anybody gets canceled. That's the whole fucking point.

Yeah, that's the whole thing. Lucy Kay has a Grammy. Like, I remember the day that happens, someone said. Like, very soon. Stadiums. Not just like, not small rooms. Stadium. Like, that's what I just come down to it was like,

what you're saying doesn't fit logic. He has a Grammy. Oh, we're going to get comments on the YouTube video now. Oh, so did he look at that. have vaginas. They'll be supportive comments. Our listeners are adorbs. Oh, great.

You never know. No, they'll be like, thank you. But it's just, it's just, it's like, besides all of this, the fucking ickiness of it, it's just like, what you're saying doesn't logically make sense. Oh, I wrote an article about this recently. Like, no one actually gets canceled. They, I, they quit. Like, the only way to actually, like, if you have a big storm and then you genuinely

quit performing, then people are like, oh, they got canceled. It's like, no, no, no, they quit. They could have kept going. Yeah. They could have filled rooms. Or they do. All they do. Most of them do.

Like, I was in L. the whole Chris DeLeo, people were being like, what the fuck is this? What's this one? He played a paedophile on you, and then it turns out is a paedophile. It's, I think technically, and let's be very careful, because he might be very...

Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly, supposed to be, was like, texting underage girls that possibly could have been... There was a bunch of sort of things that were very uncomfortable. He was suddenly gone, left it a year, came back, and just kind of kept going.

At the same time, someone he was also in a crew with a guy named Brian Cowan, Three Woman, came out and was like, he fucking raped me, and he, in the most crazy... why he just went, no, I didn't, sued them for defamation. They were like, well, we don't have money to defend this. And he just kept going.

And it's this weird sort of thing of like, guys, like, why? He just kept going, like, whether or not was a thing. But he never, like, he just went, no. And he's like, I don't know what happened. But I know that that guy's a bad, like, I've met the guy. There's something about him. It's just, I haven't met him. No, no, there's some of the work for my local co-op who's like that.

Like, a bad vibe. Exactly. Like, I watched by him, and the way he, like, he gave, like, the high-fi hand, and I'm just like, gilly. So what we need, even if I want tobacco, I'm going self-service. I want, exactly. I want, like, a word for that classification to get this. Because cancel cultures, I want, like, it's like, they're a zippy, zippy, yeah, yeah.

Just, like, go over there with your, yeah, with your fucking leather jackets and your bullshit and leave us to our enjoyment. Yeah, leave us alone. Like, it's just. I think the word you're looking for is criminal. Allegedly. Yes. And that's the one. I actually learn a lot about this to be canned.

What did you do this weekend? Why are you still learning about consent? Like, how do you not know yet? If anyone who doesn't know, I have a trick relationship with consent. Like, we only heard about it in 2017. I listened to too much tidal when I was growing up. So I thought when you ask out a guy and they say, no, you can give it another shot. Okay?

So when I was in year eight, I asked out the same boy like 200 times. And he was like, no. And I was like, see you in two months. So yes, there was a misunderstanding there of like, he was gay. But I didn't know. I just thought we both like Shakira. So in my defense, there was a misunderstanding early on. I mean, those hips do not lie.

Right? She's amazing. Who cheats on Shakira? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Someone cheated on Shakira? Gerard P.K., her husband, isn't it? I assume he just cheated on her with a floating ass. Like, there's like, if Shakira is your type, what's after Shakira?

I have no idea. I have no idea. That's allegedly. I'll tell you what I learned. How worried am I that these people are listening? Go on. So basically, it's like, because it's very different in America and the UK. as far as like the defamation law system.

So in the UK, if you accuse someone of something, the burden of proof is on you to prove that. So you have to have. So you make an accusation. It's not as easy as being like, you've got to be brave and come forward and tell people because then you have to then pay everything to fucking take them on,

which is a huge undertaking and also a very tricky thing to do in general. But in America, it's on the person you accused to prove they didn't do it. So it is better that. This is what I learned. See, I told you I'm smart. And they then have to do that. So you can accuse people more freely in America.

Whereas here, if we do it, we have to financially follow through. Because this is what happened with the Big Murdoch case. That guy was bankrolling everyone. The other thing with America is it can't be something that, like, affects their job. Like you can never call a doctor a quack or they can sue you for a million billion dollars because that removes their ability to earn. a living forever. Wow.

Like it's, so you had, so if you notice, like, America, there's certain language that people always dance around. They'll always throw allegedly before, like, a variety of specific words. Because then you get sued for defamation. You get sued for defamation in that, the best illustration of this is if you ever watch Penn & Teller's show bullshit? No, thank you. I haven't, but I love Penn and Teller.

So you don't like Pennantella? You don't like magic, do you? No, of course I don't. Yeah. Oh, okay. I love them. Come on, John. No, but I think that this is great.

Like, it's all in a lot. You want people in socks. The rabbit should be in a cage or in the wild and not in your hat, sir. Exactly. Why are you wearing a hat? Get a grip. It's where the rabbit lives. Cool hat, John.

I'm losing my hair and I'm in my 30s. That's a better reason than a rabbit guy. There's also a rabbit in here. So they couldn't say multi-level marketing when they were making fun of multi-level marketing. But what they did was they stood in front of a pyramid and said these companies are very bad. And the reason why they did that is if you said pyramid scheme, it has been proven in an American court

of law that represents fraud. Therefore, you're calling them fraudulent. Therefore, they can be like, you just cost us our company $10 billion please. It's a crazy place to live. So the reason why I believe why Brian Callan was able to sue those people that accused him was he was like, we'll prove it

and you consume for a lot of money because that will affect his career. And it's just so fucking dark and weird. That's horrible. Well, which one's better? Do you know what I mean? I know, I don't.

It's nice because sometimes, like I thought this week I was depressed about the state of abortion rights in America, but it turns out it can be both. It could be all. It can be everything. Guys, we shut the world down for two years and then started it up in a day and just everything doesn't work. That's my theory. And it's just going to be a wild four years while we figure it out. You've had a wild four years as it is. Can I say this, ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Boulhart, I had a crazy 18 months.

Catherine Boulhart is the only person in my life who gave me a genuine. and like, react. Everyone else was like, are you all right? And I was like, I'm looking for like shock and awe here, people.

Like, really? I was the only one. Only one. On a Zoom show in the height of lockdown. John, what are we talking about?

John's doing a set in the middle of Z. On Gigless? I'm Giglis. He's doing a set and he just like casually mentions he's getting divorced. Getting divorced. So I was like.

Was I there for this? I can't remember what. Okay. If you weren't, we wouldn't talk about it. So let's carry out. Yes, Helen. You were. I believe actually you were there.

Okay. You were probably thinking about yourself. I drank through us. Yeah. Yeah. You were, we were so drunk for all of that. Man, I will say this. Lockdown in the UK seemed fun because everyone just seemed fucked up for two years in their homes. Yes. Like America, like L.A. was just stoned. No, we were not nearly as fun. Wankered.

Yeah. It's just people with lamps. Anyway, so on that, and I dropped, I was divorced that I nearly died in a bicycle accident because those things happened very quickly. Yeah. And I think I even divorced. that I met a polyamorous person on the internet and then we got naked and fingered our butts for each other in a post-divorce crazy celebration. Wasn't there a dom dynamic that you admitted to on the Zoom

that you now haven't brought up? I don't know if there was a dom dynamic, but she did tell me to do it, and I thought that was nice. That's what it was. There was something in it. I was like, can we just start the beginning of all this. The world locks down. Go. Okay.

The world locks down. I sat in my apartment because I basically hadn't been home for like two years. I never owned a television. I had no furniture. So the day lock, though, first, the day locked down, And I went and appeared on America's Got Talent. Well, I saw that. Okay. You're going to need to.

This is amazing. You'd just move to L.A., the world locks down. You'd entered America's Got Talent. Well, here's the thing is I didn't tell anyone. I left the UK at the end of 2017. I just didn't tell anyone and kept working here. And it worked like a fucking dream. People just were like, oh, I guess you're out of town.

I just be like, oh, I'm out of town. Can I do? And then in July and a bit of September, I would do every gig in the UK, like, triples everywhere and then just fuck off. And no one knew I didn't live here. That's insane. It was, for years. It got to the point I met with...

I really thought you lived here. Yeah, everyone did. Yeah, so I moved there and to not affect, work over here, not be out of sight of mind. And then the lockdown kind of gave it away because I was like, all of you were in the night and I'm literally on a rooftop. Be like, uh, very sunny in Finsbury Park right now. So I did that. To get my now ex-wife into the country, we, going through every process because of Trump, into the states. We finally had to get married. That was at the end of 2019.

Yeah. Ticking along, running around. I was here in February of 2020 and New York in February of 2020. Wow. Definitely got that first strain. I was everywhere. And then I went home and then I got all this time I was secretly preparing to do America's Got Talent. Right. Show up March the 13th. They've shut everything down. It was just me, a guy dressed like a chicken, another comedian and a bunch of opera stars from Italy. because so what it was was like it's so weird do you remember as lockdown was coming where it was like everyone

only wash your hands make sure to wash your hands we may never open the borders again things may like they never knew if you could get and you had to like touch elbows with everyone touch elbows with everyone or full tongue kiss those are the only two ways so we sat there as they had anyone

who had an international flight could leave I wish I had lived in England at the time I could have gone earlier Instead, I'm the second last person at 10 at night after the governor of California has come on and be like, if you are out, go home, like, parties over and I'm staring. You and the chicken guy are like, this is urgent. Yeah, I got to be on telly. Oh my gosh.

Okay. So I do it. It goes very well. It's on the internet. Please check it out. I would really appreciate it. I then, and this. Can you see the world dying in your eyes?

So I had, I literally rambled and just talked to Howie Mandel about being Canadian for 15 minutes and they edited it out. Like, we just talked about, like, being young comedians at yuck-yucks. We talked about a guy named Howard Wagman, who still owns the Ottawa. Yeah, you had all the time in the world. What? Yeah, like, I was just panicked. And it was just, like, because I didn't remember I was doing television. And then you get into a, like, a room the size of the fucking Hammersmith Apollo that's empty,

except for Simon Cowell, Sophia Fagara, Howie Mendel, and the crew. And you're like, well, I'm glad this gets to be the last thing. Anyone gets to see of my comedy. What? You crushed it. Great. Thank God for my Catherine Bohart, like, determination at running a set. Committed. Yeah, I'm Helen on the streets, but Catherine Bohart on the stage.

That doesn't rhyme. You know what I'm saying. And thank God for that. And now, this is the part of the story I love. This shows, so, like, most amazing show business victory ever. Who knew I could do that? Like, Simon Cowell, giving you the add-a-boy Terry Cruz is touching my back, a lawyer. For like half an hour, me and Terry Cruz just sat in an alcove because they were like changing lights. And he kept asking me and asked him like, those are great shoes.

And he's like, oh, they're custom. And then he goes, do you do any, do you get any custom clothes, John? You're very big guy like me. And I was like, no, Terry. I wear a wrestle t-shirts. This was $6 at a target. Like, what do you want? Very nice.

Thank you. You're welcome. Isn't it fun that he's shirtless on my shirt? Oh, a bit of fun. Very nice. Make sure you're watching on YouTube. That is fun. Love that.

I love that. That is fun. Go on. Anyway, so that was, and then I'm out in the street, and there's no Uber. I don't drive it. I didn't own a car. There's no, ooh, how the fuck do I get home? I'm in a different city from my house. Oh, I'll take L.A. Public Transport the day of a pandemic. And by the way, L.A. is not like the tube. It is super, there's gang problems. Like, they control different lines. It's a whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild. America's the best, guys. Like, it's exactly what you want. Like, in England, you can't ever say, like, don't go over. Over there, there's a gang. In L.A., you could be like, what are you doing? The Latin Kings. Like Southwestern Railway would be run by a gang. No, they would just control the action. They would just, you know, one of the cars, they'd just be parting. Just don't go in one of those cars.

Fascinating. So here's what England is. Is England, like, sees a problem and just ignores it? Like, you're like, that's on fire and it's not. And you're like, but no, there's flames. And they're like, yeah, it's not, though. America is like, that's on fire? Just watch out for that.

And you're like, are you going to do anything about that? You're like, no, it's the firehouse. Okay, let's go. Everyone in the house is on fire. Like, what about the last week in America makes you not? Like, that's exactly, where they're like, you guys need to do something about that. They're like, I would thrive there. Yeah, you would.

Oh, it's in the chaos. It's so fun. Anyway, so I get on LA Public Transport. People are coughing. People are wet. It's very. I'm not asking. Common sweat.

What I have thought about this. There was one woman wearing a mask, and forever I will wonder. what was she about to do or coming from that involved a mask because there was nothing to do with the, like that was, she was not because it was a pandemic. There was something, she was about to commit a crime. Speaking of crimes, as I get off, the other guy who gets off with me runs up to a cop,

calls the cop the N-word, and then they have a full fist fight. And I remember, I'm just looking at this, it's like police are rushing, like, who saw this scene? And I looked and I went, 27 minutes ago, I was on America's Got Talent. And now I have to just quickly give a statement to the police about a

racially motivated hate crime. Weirdest part, both guys were black. That's what I will never truly understand. But hey, what are you going to do? Do that? You think that's the weirdest part? Of the entire thing? Yes.

Because you're in the train covered by wet people be like, I just saw, I was in America's Got Talent. We've still got so much more to come. He's not even divorced yet. Not even divorced. Don't worry. The first part of the pandemic moves very quickly. It's Edinburgh Fringe. Andrew, what are you up to?

Oh, well, Edinburgh is turning into a bloody pig star because all the hogs are going up. I'm up at 6.50 every day at the caves. My show is called Andrew White Brackets for Not in a Gayway. Helen, when's your show? I'm on a fucking pigsty of a bunker at the Pleasant's courtyard at 5.40 every day. Come rolling the muck with me for Madam Goodt to it. Boehart?

I'm getting mucky at Monkey Barrel. Monkey Barrel one, and I'd love to see you there every day at the Fringe apart from 16th of August. Let's get in the style. Bye. Bye. It's a happy ending. Thank you, Helen.

It's the happy ending. And he's got two really sexy scars. I'm going to cut back in from the extras now into the main episode. So you just see our reactions to what was an amazing journey, only in the extras. Sorry. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Rewind. Okay. Welcome. We're in the. the main episode, we just lost our minds, but because it was so much, it's in the patron extras. Welcome back to the main episode. We're all in a bit of a... But John is about to explain to us how, and you'll have to listen to the Patreon for the details, how being close to death changed your perspective.

Is what it is, is I just don't care about a bunch of shit anymore? That's what it is. I do, I do not. Does that have, like, diminishing returns? Like, has that stopped being as true? No, it's what it is is, like, It sounds really like something you read on the front of a fucking emo album, but it's like, I nearly died. Like, a person I would say was my best friend at the time died. I nearly had to give a shitload of money to the U.S. government. I had my bank accounts for, like, you have to listen to Patreon episode to figure out the backstory and all this. But it's like, all that stuff is going, why am I worried that I'm not doing that?

I don't give, like, it's like, well, I can't be, they didn't stand the Skype show. Didn't come to my Emberra show in 2019. Yeah. And what am I going to be like, I'll be all right, but I might get on that show. It's a bigger picture perspective. Yeah. It's also just like, yeah. I wouldn't even say, like, I like when you say bigger picture, but it's more like, I could be dead. Like my mom could be like, oh, I remember when I was, I had a son. And now I, she still can say that. So I'm like, I'm kind of fine.

Yeah. That's the thing with it that I really find. And I think it's important to remember, especially when it comes to being in the arts, is that they took all of this away from us and we're all we are back not better than ever not better than ever people got to stop saying better than ever we are back we are back it is not better at the bare minimum

people at bare minimum but like and it's that sort of stuff that's really changed my perspective I think it's also I have a much more of like a value and ownership over my life have you guys read about any of this sort of stuff of the idea it is oak Katham I think this is important for you and your friendship with Helen because she seems to be judging you lot is that

it is okay for you to be you do you think that I should keep my feet to myself and that you know Helen should not have just whapped out her flaps seven to ten years ago how long ago was it? They were so it was like four and a half years ago and they were clean. Yeah she really needed to show them off

I get that part I did that part I do get because it's like a there's a tiny window John where I don't have the bumps of the regrowth. Interesting and that's you feel robbed when someone's like I'm gonna fuck it you're like cool let me do this I got it was the my feelings well have of course but my question is also Who cancels a sex date?

I don't think I've ever cancelled. Great. Now we're talking, now we're asking the big question. Get me started. Do not get me started. Absolutely not. Yeah, John would never cancel on that. I never would, you know what?

Let me say this. If a sex date is one of the examples, if the train is closed in London and only people who live in London would understand this, I'll take an Uber. Whoa. North to south. North to south.

I'll cross a river in a car. That's on a thing tragic. Go ahead. You drive. What are you talking about? He came? He drove. No, he could have, he could have driven.

What an absolute. I don't know what word to use. Yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah, what a... I did the next day. Yeah! Yeah! Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you! Okay, listen to the patron extras for that to be explained. Should we solve a problem? I think you're the perfectly... We better. I mean, goddam right. I still I can't believe you went back and

fucked him though. I would not have fucked him. I got very little dignity. John, don't lie. I mean, what did he look like? Exactly. Thank you, John. Like a big teddy bear. This has been a journey. I know, right? So let's hear somebody else's problem because

I assume that's response is, please. Have you heard what happened to me? Hey, hey, everyone's problem is their problem and it is their journey on life. You shouldn't compare tragedy. Oh, you're a fucking wuss, bro. What did you say, Helen Barron? You shouldn't compare tragedies.

You shouldn't, but Helen, because that's Helen's job. Yeah, but it's so fun too, right? Right, it is. Like, you don't, you don't want to see me around some people's COVID statuses because I am pitching as hell. Nice, nice. Let's hear it. So this is a problem about online etiquette and kind of boundaries and all that sort of stuff.

It is from A. Hi, A. Hello, A. They say, some very lovely things about the podcast, and then they say, I'm a... What, you're going to just skip over them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I mentioned? Absolutely love the podcast, and never thought I'd be writing to you for advice of my opinions, but this happened to me today.

I am a male professional musician, songwriter, composer for 30 years. I've worked with lots of people over the years, lots of different ages, nationalities, groups, and I mean, lots of Facebook groups to collaborate with people, advertise jobs, etc. Earlier today, there was a posting one of the Facebook groups from a 21-year-old Ukrainian lady saying how kind she's found the British people and that she's got a work permit and is actively looking for work in the music industry. I'm currently working some new material up and I'm always looking for new voices so I left a comment asking if she had any samples for her singing work online a few hours later another lady replied to my comment saying

okay that's a bit creepy I asked her why and she replied that saying that it was inappropriate considering the nature of the post I asked why it was inappropriate to ask a singer for samples of their work and pointed out that I've done this many times over the years and then she sent a DM saying that she didn't want to embarrass me in the forum but the reason it was inappropriate to ask is that the lady involved is 21 years old and a refugee who's brand new to this country and I should be careful

and considerate not to overstep. I didn't reply to the message as I was quite confused and annoyed. I can't see that I've done anything wrong and my friends and family I've talked about this with, can't see it either, but it has not my confidence and I don't want to overstep the mark when messaging people or commenting like this before. I'm going to say this, I really like this question and that I think it gives us a nice opportunity to discuss online etiquette. This is what I'm going to say. I think that's fucking mad. The questions are, do I do anything wrong?

Should I be worried about content to people in the future? No. Or, you know, kind of how should I approach this in the future? Can I say just as a like as a starting point? I think it's really cool that you got this feedback that you innately disagree with, but we still are curious enough about it to want to know how if you did make a mistake and if you did how you could correct for it because you're aware of your gender and your power in this dynamic.

So I really respect that you're curious, even though you could be solely defensive. However, that is not to say that I think you did something wrong. I'm just saying it's good for us to be open-minded and then also to be aware that other people on the internet can be batches. I want to disagree with Catherine. And double, I also like that you ask the question because there isn't a lot of guidance, especially for we, the straight boys. Some of us are good boys, but we just don't know how to behave as we understand these new paradigm. and then we get into exactly these situations where we go, what do I do?

I think there is guidance. But in these... But I think that, I know what you mean. It's confusing when... It's okay to be confused, actually, is my point. And I think it's great that you're asking in this situation if you have done something wrong. I think a couple of things that are closed

that you probably didn't do anything wrong. And obviously, we haven't seen the comment, right? Or nor do I work in the music industry. but it seems like, I know, it's crazy. I do. I'm going to be. But, oh, Gailant, God.

Okay, gross. I just, I, you've touched your face so much today. The point is that I think one good sign that you haven't done anything wrong is that you responded publicly. So I find generally men being creepy don't tend to do that as much. Oh, yes. As in like, it's, so if it's, that's my initial reaction is it's not a DM. Chasing, chasing, chasing. You ask once.

They don't respond, leave it, it's fine. And the second thing to say is, I actually think that if you do, this is what you usually do, this is your usual protocol, I find this woman jumping to this other woman's defense very odd when what you've done is treat her like any other peer, which I don't think her being 21 or an immigrant

should inhibit her from being respected as. You're suggesting that she doesn't know what she's doing and doesn't know how to like function as a working musical adult. It's also weird that a person jumped in to defend somebody who hasn't themselves said, I take issue with this? Like, that's a lot on the internet. You're like, occasionally people will do that on my behalf online. People are like, hey, leave.

And I'm like, I know this person is joking. Or I don't care. Or I agree. Elfitt. You know, like, it's like what? There is also, and this is purely a theory. I don't know the person. But I think the second person posting, if I had to guess, it is a very British and English.

Particularly, I'm going to say English and Americans do this. where certain people from other countries they're like, well, they need help. They've come here covered in soot and they've never seen a potato. And it's like, she's Ukrainian, man. Like, that is a more technologically advanced country than England.

Like, they had tap in 2014, baby. Like, don't worry about it. And I think that that also may have played into the second poster. But I think everyone was being and good boy and girl. A, I think you're good. Yeah, I think so too.

Can I just say when you say tap? Do you mean, like, contactless or tap dancing? Contactless payment. All of you. App dancing. No, I do think I think that the woman sounds like she's being condescending

to the first poster and also it sounds like you did everything appropriately and if you behaved as you would in all other circumstances then it's fine and I also think like it's good that you ask the question

and but also the thing I would say is it's very easy I think when you're online to feel like if somebody criticizes you to get into a hot panic of either defensiveness or shame

where you're like everyone must think this about me and I'm and there's no like I can't scrub this out this is horrible but most people and I don't think this can be overstated couldn't give a shit so if you're thinking other people are like

they think I'm a bad person they don't they only care about themselves and most people want to have seen that post and a lot of people will have seen the post and gone it's weird she said that yeah so here's a follow-up question then how would you respond to the person jumping in? Oh ignore it

ignore it 100% don't get involved you know you're both wrong you leave a very confusing emoji underneath hers. Actually, change a plan. This is great. You know the smiley face with the money eyeballs and the dollar bill coming out of the tongue? Or the one that's melting?

Plus the melting one. Go ahead, Catherine. Third option. Oh, one of the animals. Thank you, Helen. Like a cow. Third option. Cow doesn't feel like it's confusing.

It feels like it's a point of the phone. Emoji with the tongue out and the dollar signs look like you are in fact trying to be pregnant. shit okay the chicken the chicken the chicken the chicken makes more sense the chicken does make more sense it's the chicken it's a random flag of any country no flag no flag no because then you're saying you're stand with NATO you don't stand with NATO it's a whole thing yeah I agree I third option and I do think that ignoring it is one valid option especially if um if you feel like this person can't be argued around and also it's like such a sappy energy sapping thing to give

it to them and also do you really care what they think But if it is bothering you to the point that it's still upsetting you, I think I would, on the public forum, not the DM context, I would say, hello, this is how I engage with all posts of this like for my working peers. It's always been the case that I've done so because in order to hire somebody, I need evidence of their work and an understanding of their style. To any other end that you think it's offensive, I don't understand. and have a nice day, won't be getting back in touch.

Like something very, like, this is how I always behave, because I'm respecting her and treating her like a peer. Have a nice day. But honestly, I don't think it's worth it because I think that kind of person wants to think you're a bad person. So emoji. No emoji. I would just leave it.

I said leave it first. I win. I'm still emoji. I want to follow up and just ask you guys this thing. This is something I've noticed post everything, which is I'm more and more not confronting people because I don't want to get involved in. You see how you're saying that thing of like,

If you go to them and explain, this is how actually I've always done it. Then what I always find is then someone doesn't understand that that's just an explain. They go, oh, that's actually another point of their argument. Let me tell them why they shouldn't. And then you're, it's 30 minutes later. But this is why you just don't get involved. That's why you go emoji because then they're like, what's with that chicken? And then you pretend like you didn't post the emoji.

Oh, you guessed that. And then you delete all of your profiles, start them up again. Only follow that person. Delete those profiles. You are a fucking genius. Thank you, Helen. Thank you, Helen. Do you have one more problem for us, Andrew?

How long have we been doing this? Good Lord. How long have we been doing this? Do you want to stop? No, no, no. I'm having a wonderful time. Or like how professional. Do you have a safe word?

I have no time constraints or anything. Do you want a safe word? Yes, my safe word. I'm borrowing a friend of mine safe word that I discovered because they said a weird world down a phone. And I was like, what is that? And I was like, oh, I'm seeing a guy and we're doing a thing. And he like just, and I was like, well, anyway, pineapple would be my safe word. Right.

A very, I think it's the most. popular safe words I know and I know this one of the reasons I'm just take the spot you never think you won't think there's no reason in sex for you to just say pineapple yeah it's one of the most common okay um yeah uh some quite big ones to be honest oh um I'll see if I'll find a a quick one um pineapple no we're doing this and we're having lunch this is from C this is from C I hope you're doing well enjoying the summer I have a question that I hope is a bit lighter than some of the others you um

answer and might be a welcome break. My friends are getting married in 2024. Yay. Booh. Male female? Yeah. Yeah. Actually, that's why John was booing.

No, it's because he's recently divorced. Catherine. Of course. As we were all in our early mid-20s, none of us have ever tried to organise wedding before. Early-20s? Early-slash-mid-20s, like 24, I guess. Do you have any advice on what we can do for the wedding to make it as memorable and special as possible? Wishing all the best, thank you for making this podcast.

my favourites and listen to it every time I go to training or university placement. I'm going to start with our guest, John. No. But my hand went up first. Helen's hand go first. I'm sorry, I'm going to actually let Helen go for it. Also, Andrew, it's crazy that you thought you were in charge. Off you go, Helen. Helen, off you go. My God. Hi, her bouncy castle. John's turn. What? Hi, her bouncy castle. So nobody's wearing heels?

John's turn. Okay, John. I can't believe I'm siding with Catherine on this. A bouncy castle, if only, here's what you do. As someone who has planned and executed a wedding, you do nothing that the bride and groom have not expressly said with their mouths it would be great if we had a bouncy cat if they have not show up dress nice get drunk enjoy the party

because these people have spent six months fielding madness from their friends and family no do not do that but you understand the things that people propose to me like in the run up to the wedding One person, oh my God, the amount of things I have, like, butt stuff, of course. Yeah.

Before you get married, do you mind if I eat your ass? And I was like, Aunt Veronica. Pineapple. Pineapple, and Veronica. Don't do anything. Just show up. Have a great time. They have planned an event they want, do not.

Like, I know everyone wants to make it better. Just what is the best is just show up. Go ahead, Catherine's is really boring. Press their flowers until about. Pay for the whole wedding and be their best friends. No, make sure. You have them okay when they're getting that photos taken. Absolutely not.

Make sure that the priest is deeply Catholic. Are you ready to that? Yes, please, Catherine. You're in your early to mid-20s. You need to take the friend of this couple that you're closest to to a bar, get them drunk, and explain to them that the reason they've planned to have a wedding in 2024 and the fact that they're, Andrew, do you mind? I'm very sorry.

Smash the place up, Andrew. They are in their, you're in their mid-20s. I didn't know about this. Maybe early 20s. take your friend to a bar and explain that getting married in your early 20s if you're not pregnant

is completely unnecessary and they should chill the fuck out and just have a boyfriend. How old? The Obama's when they got married the Obama's got married, young. 20 year olds on To The Bride, it's disgusting. It's just like, how about just absolutely chill out? Do not, like, don't

get married when you have friends who are of an age that they write into a pot. Hang on. Don't get married if you're friends. We're a different generation, Helen. Can I finish a sentence? Do not get married if your friends are of an age where they think it's appropriate to write to Helen Bauer

for advice on what to do at your wedding. Wait until they're old enough to listen to you're dead to me or the news and just hold fire. That is too early. It's too soon.

You know it in your hearts too because you've planned it for 2024. No one has that long in engagement if they're sure about it. Don't do it. You can get big bounce costs with slides on them. That's true.

Also, add them to my answer, someone I know got married at 19. They're still together. Now, they are Stockholm syndrome. Deep. deeply Christian, deeply Christian. But still did it.

Yeah. So that's something. That's not a good example. That's like penguins mate for life when they're like three years old. That is true. And they don't even speak English, Catherine. Yeah, lots of people who don't speak English get married too soon. Wait, what?

I know. It's so confusing. Penguins are people. I just don't do it. That's too, it's too early. It's too soon. Your friends are not going to give you good gifts. They're writing to podcasts.

I think it's letting people know as well if you're going on a Batsy Castle, you want to wear something that's not going to give you friction burn. See, Book of Bouncing Castle, tell them, hey, look, this is the best day of your life. No need for the wedding. I still picture them being like a weird gen, like Utopia couple, you know what I mean? Like, they're snorting heroin and the grooms wearing white? Norting heroin? Have you not watched Euphoria or whatever that shows?

I've watched two scenes. I've watched Euphoria. Aren't they snorting heroin? I don't know. They were snorting everyone. I haven't watched it. It's a big thing amongst like L.A. young people now is everyone's snorting heroin? I'm just, I'm so moving to L.A.

That's a no for me. Yeah, sorry, see. I just think, be a brave friend and tell them it's too soon. They're too young. They have their whole lives ahead of them. Well, leaving that on a happy note there, Catherine. You'll be happier if you don't have to get divorced.

She's assuming they have their whole lives in front. It would be a sad posse. She's like, well, you'll be dead soon, so might as well do it. Counterpoint, if you do get married early, as a lifetime sort of big picture thing, as a friend, you'll get to go to a wedding, a divorce party, and a second wedding. You have to buy a gift for everyone

You have to travel there for everyone You have to buy an outfit Second wedding isn't a gift Second wedding is not a gift First wedding's a gift Second wedding's not a gift Country of heathens I mean we can't do everything

Like Ireland does Second wedding's not a gift We don't do second wedding I'm well aware That would say that someone lost an argument Which doesn't happen in Ireland Absolutely not Didn't you get fed plenty of the first one

Absolutely no They lost the famine argument Oh my Thank you so much for joining us from the BBC sound. Thank you so much for listening to Trasty Hogs. John, where can they find you? They can find me on the new podcast, Helen Bauer and I are starting, where it's just the cut things from this podcast.

Yeah. The Bauer and John show. Happy both good. No one's wearing a shirt. Why are they both covered in Vasily? Do you want people to come to your head in Brescia? Yes, I do. My Mers show.

Sorry, Catherine. We're having too much. fun. Thousand Apologies. My Emberra show is at. God damn right. Without rules, we won't know when fun starts.

Exactly. It is at Carnivore 1 at the Monkey Barrel at 815. Please come along. The show is very good. Four stars from Toronto in Australia. Who gets that? This boy does.

And you can find me on all social media is at the John Hastings. My podcasts are The Wrestler Review. Do not listen to that one if you don't like wrestling or jokes about come. Or you can listen to UTS, which is a weekly podcast with it's just bullshit. See you and hell.

I love you. Gorgeous. And carnival's a big meat restaurant, isn't it? It certainly is. I eat, mate. I don't eat meat. Well, me and Helen will go to John's show without you. Yeah.

Well, I want to go to the show. You have to eat mates, go in. That's not true. That's not true. Thank you so much for me. Bye. I'm a hog now. You are.

I'm seeing me. Biggest, most heartfelt thanks to our executive producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moors, Yenina Batista, Mary Fox, and Annie Tonner. We love you. Antua. Amazingly beautiful Peggy producers Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redman, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull,

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