Trusty Hogs - Ep41. LUISA OMIELAN / Feet, Finances & Farnborough

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

The sensational Luisa Omielan joins the Hogs this week for a super fun chat and some top tier problem solving for two lucky listeners. Plus, Helen reminices about their shared expeirence of college in Hampshire...FOLLOW LUISA: @LuisaOmielanThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin PRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly / Oliver Jago / Alex PughWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Feel good about Back to School with help from Whole Foods Market. Thanks to their high standards, you can keep banned food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup out of lunch boxes all year. Check out Whole Foods Market unmatched selection of allergen-friendly options for all kinds of special diets. Find what you need without dairy, gluten, nuts, or whatever you're trying to avoid. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market, in store, and online. Hello and welcome to episode 41 of trusty home. I'm Fiercish! I'm Captain Bowhart and this is Helen Bauer and we're...

Say hello. Hello. We're going to tell you about our lives and then we're going to help solve some listener problems because apparently people trust us to do that. Maybe just one. We've got a lot going on in our life. That's true, we're busy. And also we have the Incredible Louisa Amelon here later. I'm so excited.

So excited. We went to the same college. No, you didn't. We did. That makes so much sense it hurts. Really? Yeah, no, we'll deal with that. For sure.

That makes a lot of sense to me. Well, have a she, gals, baby. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests, and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not

How are you? I know. It's stressful. You got a lot on. How am I? How are you? Busy, confused, scared about the life of my snails. Whanking? Just, I'm wanking 24-7. Me and sneela are in a bad place again. Why?

Where did you wank? Where'd you wank? Okay, I did sit on you, Sophie, with no binikers on. But we've done that. It's fine. It's not a big deal. But like, what's going on with him? He is like so closed off to me. Right.

What do you want from him? A more open conversations. A bad? Decision making. A bet. If I'm like, I don't know, like, oh, it's his friend's birthday party,

but I've got to do this gig and I'm going to be tired should I go afterwards and he's like, who goes to shit? No cares. And it's like, he will not discuss problems out with me. Are they your own life problems that he doesn't hear about? But he thinks I create drama for myself because I'm bored.

It sounds like you do. I don't. Like, genuine, very simple problems just to get in life. I'd be like, oh my God, look, I'm so hungry, but I can't afford takeaway. And he's like, well, he goes to shit. Just make some food. Yeah, that's what he says. But I want to, like, stress and whinge about it for, like, 20 minutes.

Also, I think it comes down to thought. We had this, I always got a chat with him the other day. We will not be friends until Love Island's ended. That's just it. Okay, I'm not watching it, so there's that. Can I just check it? He wants Remotee, but it's my Remotie too. But he bought Remotie.

But I bought soapy. Yeah, exactly. So we can't have TV if he's not going to sit on, yeah. Here's my question. Would you care whether or not anybody else sorts out there dinner or not? No. Why should he care? Because I'm only four.

No, you're not only four. You're a fully grown person. Come on, Helen Bauer. If you can do parish council announcements, me and Andrew have spoken about this. So last week, obviously, Catherine did a parish council announcements. But if you're allowed to do that as a section, I'm allowed to do Helen's baby section. Can I just jump in to defend myself? I know you didn't. I know you didn't.

I know you didn't. You did. You said we did. It's time for parish announcement. With baby Howard. I've got the pulpit now. Announcement number one. The parish announcement, new birth.

Helen Bauer. With your baby. Unfortunately death, Helen Bauer. I'm afraid. No. So first parish announcement is that there will be no Helen Bauer baby hour. Men love women pretending to be babies. That's not true.

It is. It is. It is. So number one, there is that. Rule number two, no interrupting the parish announcements thank you so much we need a conch system no i guess something we hold so this is the conscience system i created parish announcements so i could say something on the podcast oh my god what's wrong with you isn't that what they do in group therapy scenarios

and they like pass something round paris announce good let's go helen let's go helen let's go helen let's go We usually like what? Cats. I was pretending to be a cat. I thought you think it was cute. I'm not a lesbian. I'm a bisexual. I will clutch the phallic object till I die while you hiss at me. Now, parish announcement number two. Today is going to be a good day. We're going to get along. We're going to have a nice time. Helen, look at me. Look at me. Helen, in this parish, look at me. Look at me. No, those eyes won't work. Now, I'm going to say sorry and you're going to say sorry.

Zoe. Sorry. I love you. Should we do this podcast? Elephant Juice. Do you remember that from school? God, I'm so old. Okay, fine, I'll have a parish announcement. No, it's been, they're done.

My point is like that. What do you mean they're done? The parish announcements were that baby Helen's dead and that we are going to grow up and have a nice day today. Can I quickly talk about babies, though? As long as you're talking about and not becoming one.

Talk about, not talk as. Right. So you know those documentaries are doing on Channel 4, my favorite breed of documentaries, Okay, it's either fat people or it's people into weird things, not weird things, but like different things. Like the amazing one about dogging. Sure.

Where they all had to wear animal masks. Nice. So good. And they've got a couple about people who pretend to be children. Oh, God. It's not a sexual thing. I don't like it, Helen. And they pretend to be children because it like regresses them into a more simple time in their minds.

But that also means that there's like loads of money in it, right? So, like, anytime someone has, like, an addiction. So, like, pretending to be a child, you can make there's money in it. So there are people out there who make adult play things. Like, adult play centres that they can buy and take home. Stop, this is sexual. I don't like it. You try to trick us, but we know it is.

But they say in the documentary, like, eight times it's not sexual. You don't have to say it eight times if it's not sexual, Helen. Would you like to hear a more fun sort of adjacent story, which isn't as horrible? Yes. Can you turn off the air content? Yes, of course. Is Catherine charged to the podcast now that we have to pitch what we want. to say

because if we're pitching I've got other pitches I've got a story about something Barack Obama said it's not that I'm in charge and that you have to pitch it it's that Andrew in order to get a word

in edgeways over us has to ask may he please speak now go on in the New Forest there is like a leather fetish company as in like they might make

like gimp masks suits all that sort of amazing God love the new forest sewing is such a lost art when my friend went to visit this place yeah I didn't tell me

why actually I should have or a gim mask. Yeah, but he went to this factory and they were like, oh, do you want a little tour? And because sewing is such a lost skill, it's just old ladies.

It's just like, Shreddy's grannies, just like sewing all these gimpos. No, that's incredible. That's so funny. I know, right? There's so much money in these businesses,

like, you know, pup play? Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, so much in it. Because, like, it's such a bespoke thing that's not people are offering. It wasn't sexual in the news. There's so much money in these businesses,

is like, you know, pop play. You know, pop play? One of our patrons is a foot dom, actually. Sick. What does that mean? As in, like, they all, um, they have people that like worshiping feet and, um, yeah. Like they like, stomping videos is a very common one. What is a stomping video?

It's a video of like, someone will say, can you stomp on this? And they will like, walk around, like, stomping it. And like, they'll send them a video of them stomping. Yeah. Yeah. You know I used to live with a pro dom. You know this. No.

Yeah. Very much. I used to live with a woman. She's a friend of mine. She, um, worked in dungeon in New New York with Desirey Burch. Yeah. You used to live with Desiree Brood?

No, no, she worked with Desiree in New York. This is like ages ago and I was, I live with her. Yeah, amazing. She told me to actually nuts. It's very interesting, very hard to do. But, like, foot stomping is like a massive thing, but they like it to be personalized. So it's like you can like say like, we want you to step on like an orange, let's say. Right.

And then they'll sort of like be talking like usually they've been given some dialogue. And then they want to like squish it in. Oh, I mean. I love people who own to footface. I think it's just such a sweet one. It is very innocent. It is, isn't it? I just like little twatters.

You haven't yet, Helen. Huh? I know, because we've done your wiki feet before. No, we haven't done my wiki feet, Andrew. I don't think I have a wiki feet. You told me I was on there. We're not like, I haven't done it. Oh, no, Belinda Bauer, but no Helen Bauer.

Who's Belinda Bauer? Oh, so sad. What's her feet like? I don't know. What's her score? Four stars, nice feet. Nice. Yay!

Out to Bollander door! She should feel like a model. Belinda Bauer. There's a model Bauer. A model Bauer. Well, it's not you, but I'll guess you're, you might be related, you're very tall. There's an author.

Oh, called Binda Bauer. A Bauer wrote a book. This is a revelation. Australian actress and model. Wow. Congrats. What does she look like? A model only gets four stars.

Talk to me about the tits. I'm just getting up images. One second. No, what the hell, guys? She's a glamour model. This is very objectifying. Could you imagine if we have the same breast? She's on the front cover of Cosmopolitan

What? Are you related? Probably not. Belinda! I mean, that might be a stage name if she's natural. Who is Belinda? Why are we talking about this? Can we focus back on it? I don't have a wiki feet. No, you don't have a wiki feet. You have very large feet, though, so I guess people would be into that thing. I think for sure I would have a niche in the foot market

because I'm, yeah, size 9 wide fare as well as having like one of my little toes doesn't have like a proper nail on it. What, why? It's just because it's so little, it's just like a little. Stop, I mean it. You've got to stop this. You can't put that adjacent.

It's actually got to stop. It's got to stop. But I... It's got to stop. I know, but it's like I can't, it's hard to just stop. I got that Botox, by the way. I'm just changing the topic. That'll stop it.

That'll stop it. Power to announcement. I've had some Botox. And despite that, I'm still finding the ability to frown at you, Helen. Yeah. It doesn't kick in for nine days. Nine days? It's the loveliest man.

His name was Dr. Ewe and he was Scottish and he spoke so soft. you went to him I went to him and he was so nice and it was good yeah and he just says real smart like he is an actual

face surgeon in the NHS taught to me okay so interestingly I didn't know this and he's so educated on it obviously and so interesting on it

but you know that in this country it's not currently illegal for like beauticians to do aesthetic work on like you can get Botox in like a beautician's

yeah Clare's accessories is going to branch out next like cannot fucking write and like listillers which is bad because one like if I didn't think I was like what do they do

if anything goes wrong if they're not medical professionals and he was like well they send them to an A&E but the A&E aren't trained to deal with that either because that's not their speciality so then they end up it's really dangerous basically

and they're working on legislation for it but he just it's really it was nice two things I thought were really odd not odd but shouldn't be odd but like it was nice to be in a place where he was such an expert and also where I hope he won't mind me saying

this on the podcast but where like he had had some work done, which I think a lot of the time when you're in like, obviously it's like nobody, and he also always says, it's what you want. Nobody, he will not use the word need, which I love because he's like, no one needs any of this. Yeah. If you want,

I just, it's really, for a space that's like traditionally you understand as like, sort of maybe like the language was right for you. It was right for me and it was less about like male expectations of beauty standards, even though obviously it exists within a structure

that's about. But yeah, I just He was just real nice and explained everything very slowly to me and also was patient with my intense questions and also listens to our podcast. No! I know! That was the most exciting thing. That's so cool.

I will let anyone put a needle in my face if they first give me a compliment. It turns out. No, did you know that before you went? No, I got there and he was like, well, I knew you're coming in. So I thought I'd have to at least listen to 10 episodes. I was like, I'm not even listen to 10 episodes. We are a headache.

And he, like, yeah. And I was like, honest to God, I will let you do anything to me if you're like, I love the podcast. I was like, put it in my face, put it in my eyes. I don't know. You say don't need, but me and Soneil have been inspired. We think we might go get something done. What are you going to get done? I'm going to get my teeth whitened.

Oh, cute. That's such a baby step. I love that. Is it? Yeah, it's like, I'm going to get some, I'm going to get my teeth whitened. But also, you know, you can just do that at home, right? Yeah, someone said that, but like, can you? Yeah.

Like, actually work well. Yeah, that's what my dad is. But yours are whitened because they're so clean. My tent is just gives me stuff to put in my trays. What tray? I have a... You'll be shocked to hear that I, at a very intense type A personality, grind my teeth at night, yeah.

So, of course I have a tray. I just pop the gel in there. I don't have one of those, so I'd have to get one made. Yeah, but it doesn't cost that much money, and then you can always whiten them whenever you want, which is nice. I was just going to get someone to do it. Also that, but that's... So what are they spray paint color on or...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, they bleached them, baby girl. Oh, well, I've got bleached at home. No, no, no, no. Because I was thinking about it. Like, what can they put on it to like... They bleached it. It's not tip X, it's not paint.

It's not... I knew it wasn't tip X because you're not supposed to drink that. It says in the bottle. It's just bleach, basically. Well, no, it's not just bleach. To be clear at home, if you're listening, it's not just bleach. It's a bleaching process.

But how long does it take? So I pop my name for an hour, take a minute and done. I'm so going to do this. Yeah, I get the train made. Would it be weird to do just one half? It would be fun to do one half and see if it works and then do the other half. But I do think that's also an odd choice. Oh, so, yeah, no, I don't grind.

Do you know why I don't grind? You're the most relaxed person who's open the whole time. I sleep like this. Like, everyone's like seven spiders an average a year and I'm fucking hoovering them in. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah. Found a dead spider in my room. Oh, God.

Really sad. Yeah. We don't want to do with that. I don't like spiders. What is Sunil getting? He wants to do whitening too. Oh, cute. Right?

But he's like, I found someone that does it like really close to us and I was like, I've already got a dentist where I used to live and I'm like, I think I just want to go to that one. Great, do you. Yeah, right? But I also want us to go for whitings together.

That would be cute. Couples whitening, adorable. And then we're going to go for a couple's asshole bleaching. It's Louisa's arriving. It's very exciting. We have the, oh, she'll be able to tell you about T's whitening. Who?

She's so glamorous. Surely Louisa Amelan will know about it. I want to learn more. Everyone. It's very exciting. It's Louis O'Millan. Hello, long-time listeners. Hello, new fans of trusty hogs.

If you don't know it, we've got a Patreon page. Yes, you can support us, help us make the podcast, help us pay ourselves, imagine, on patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs. Is that the link, Andrew? Yes, it bloody is. How exciting. For five, five quid, five quid, you get, Early access to the episode

and an extra episode a week and if you're a producer at the moment we're about to send you a little gift in the post and last point if you're our 500 and man we want to get to 500 Patreon so bad we'll send you a little gift for that to you and announce your name on the podcast

and he'd be like you're not very funny are you and I'd be like... He sounds like a dick well I mean he is he's also great but like he would be like you're not very funny are you and I'm like no I am he's like you are funny but you're not

Like in a group of people Like I'm not the funny one Like I'm just Okay put him on stage And let's see if he can make that happen No listen he thinks I'm the best comedian He's ever lived He thinks I'm brilliant

But like he's like So on stage he's like you're phenomenal But like in real what's funny Is it on stage you're phenomenal But in real life you're just not You're not like I've got friends I'm like gag gag gag gag gag And I'm just like no

Don't you think that people have come in as well With an undue expectation of comedians That you're going to be like All the time When actually you're like Well some of us are And indeed you are I'm sure some of us are

And some of us have ADHD, but I think... I don't have ADHD. I am one of the ones that doesn't have it. Sure. And if you say so. That's so funny. But I think, I think people come in with an expectation and you're like, for me, I think I found anything

I've gotten less funny, the more comedy I do. Because I'm like, it feels like work. It's so... I'm saving that energy. And also, I don't laugh anymore. I just go, that's hilarious. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Yes. Oh, that's good. I see what you did there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's ask Saju's delivering our water. Saju, do you think all of us are funny? Thank you so much. the order.

There you go. Thank you. That's all we needed from you. Thank you so much. Let me just my ego is getting in the way here. Thank you. Let my ego just kick in. Like, I'm funny.

Like I'm hilarious. Just in real life with face-to-face with people, I just, I don't know. I think I've just switched off. I think the jeans, like it's just gone, no, we're not working now. It's compartmentalize that as work. Sometimes we want to just have a chat

and it isn't the right time to be like gagging on. But then other times, but if I meet everyday people, like normal people, like the other day I was in a hotel lobby. It was like a really rough hotel, so it sounds way more glamorous than it is. And all these men came in. They were all making up with Bernie. And they were like, oh my gosh, she must be like a real guy magnet for you staying at the hotel.

I was like, oh yeah, I'm just staying here with Bernie. And they were like, um, they were like, um, they were like, oh, I bet you get loads of like men coming up to you because of her. I go, yeah, I just like to sit in lobbies and I take each and you one at a time upstairs and do my thing. And then I stopped. I was like, you're a woman sat by yourself in a hotel lobby. surrounded by 20 men what the fuck are you doing

don't do it don't make her oh I'm gonna be no I'm loving the self-awareness after you've said it like you still did the joke I also love that Brini's your pimp in that scenario do you know what's really annoying

she's absolutely not so when I first got her because she's a Bernie's Mountain dog for those you listen she's a burning's mountain dog she's like 55 kilos she's a big beast of a dog but she's ridiculous and beautiful

and I thought like girls are stupid am I a bad feminist that I was like oh my god her dog's skinnier than me go on that's adorable

and no you're not That's just society has trained you and it's shame on them, not you. Okay. So, and oh my girl, this is why I think girls are twats, right? I think a lot of girls are dick-eads because they really don't know what they're talking about. Especially when it comes to, like, straight women

trying to attract straight men. Thank you. So many of my straight women friends were like, oh my gosh, so many guys are going to find that so hot because they're like, if she can handle a big dog, imagine what she can do. No, is that a thing? Well, apparently, and then I'm out there with my big dog,

like, oh, if I can handle this big dog, imagine what? And they're like, no, you both are terrifying. I would go anywhere near you. I understand that straight girl logic. It's the same thing. I've got some friends. So you remember when you're like 18, 19, and you're first going out clubbing,

and it's the worst, but you've got to pretend you like it. And you think everyone else is pretending, but then you get a bit older and realise they're not pretending. They actually loved it. And you're like, oh, I thought we were all, I thought this was a joke.

No, that's why we became comedians because we were that one. That's so interesting. We're all just watching going. Yeah, I felt exactly same. So my friends had a logic at this point, like super straight girl logic, and I believed it at the time,

which was like, you want to be the one that takes care of your friend who gets too drunk on the night out because the guy then sees you taking care of them they think she can take care of anything she could take care of a baby oh my god

sorry so your friend's theory is my friend's theory is if a girl gets too drunk on a night out you want to be the one that's like I've got the water I've got her I've got her you know the stance I'm talking about where like there's that one girl who's like no don't talk to her she's fine

I've got her I've got her and they want to be holding the hair back with the water the ones are that we don't have equal pay because of them You know the ones I'm talking about? What do they think that that... They think that a guy will see them taking care of this weak, fragile drunk thing

and be like, they can take care of anything. They could take care of a baby. Oh, they'll see the weak, fragile drunk thing and be like, I can take her home and put my willy in her mouth. Yeah, much more accurate. Yeah, I did not go down that route in my mind. That's horrific.

But also, not going back, in both scenarios, why do your friends want so little for you? It's like either... That's adorable. That's adorable. Why do they want a man? Oh, God. It's so nice to meet somebody with self-esteem.

It's so high. Imagine me. Imagine being like, I hope my friend dates the guy who's like, I'm bigger than a big dog, nightmare. Or the guy who's like, I want to be locked after like a little drunk baby. Both seem like awful men. But you've got to put this on contact. I'm like you clear for this show.

No, no, the context is me and Louisa grew up in a area of northeast Tampshire, which is mainly squadies and army people. You're from the same place. Yeah. Close. Very close. Apparently. Why won't you have this?

She said. I'm from Fleet. Louise is from Parambra. We went to the same college. And, but, but, I just. my first seven night out was on Fleet High Street. Jack's. Jack's Nightclub. Jack's Nightclub. You're welcome. Yeah, Jack's Nightclub. There's a nightclub. I used to work there

when I was 18 and give out Samo Faises and yeah. Shut up, were you taking money from all of us because everyone, everyone who sold to the Honestown, we're like skimming off the pub. Oh, really? Yeah. No, no, no, no. It got closed down because of drugs. Did it? Got rebranded as the Moomy rooms, yeah. And now it's Pascha. So it's a nightclub still? Is it really?

Yeah. Do you not, you don't go back to Fleet often? No, like I left Farmer years ago. Like I left Farmer like 10 years ago. No, maybe not. Seven years ago. No, 10 years ago, forgive me. Nobody cares, Louisa. I left a while ago. Thank you.

And I've gone back recently. I'm such a sucker because I grew up in Farnborough and my mum was there, my stepdad there, and now I've got my ex-step dad. It's hard to know what you call her ex-step-parent. So they broke up a long, long time ago, but I kind of feel like he was my stepfather for a while. So it's like my ex-stepfather that I...

Is he just your friend? Well, as weird as it's like my ex-stepfather. I genuinely believe you can call him whenever you want to call him. That's very sweet. So I haven't seen my... I haven't had a close relationship for a while. I started seeing him more recently. And I came back to Farmer, and I was thinking maybe I should move here.

And I was looking for signs. I'm always asking the universe for signs. And in Birmingham, get this. In Birmingham, I haven't had a single good Chinese. Not one good fucking Chinese. Fuck off Birmingham with your takeaways. They are horrific. The Indian food's good though.

Well, yeah, if you like Indian food, sure. Do you not like Indian food? I'm a salt and pepper girl. Hello. What? Blam, bland, bland. Just all the, all the MSG. You can handle?

Is it a lot of it? Yeah, get it. Yeah. And I couldn't find a decent vet for Bernie. and I was like, I don't know, I don't feel like I belong here, I shouldn't be in Birmingham, what am I doing here? I love that's your two criteria. It's like, I can't get a good Chinese and I can't get a vet.

Get me out of the way. So, then I came to Farmer to visit, and it felt so familiar, and I loved it, and I was smiling at people that I was like, I never spoke to you when I was younger, but I remember you're the old lady from the bottom of the road and you're still alive, like, yes, good for you. I went past the bus stop. The bus stop had a picture of a vet with a Bernie's Mountain Dog saying, welcome to your new vets.

I was like, that's a sign. And then I went to the roundabout, and there was loads of balloons, and it had a welcome home sign. And I was like, that's a sign. And then the best motherfucking Chinese I've had in ages. Oh, wow. The All You Can Eat That is Chicken Nuggets instead of Chicken Bulls. Which one?

No, it was, so it's an all you can eat buffet. But it's not a buffet. They make the dish from scratch each and every single fucking time. Shut the fuck up. No, none of this bullshit, but you go into a big silver tray like you're going to a cheap wedding. No. Wait, one in town or one on the way to Cove?

One on the way to Cove. Fuck off. That is a good one. It's so good. Nice. Are you moving there? And the hoist and sauce is epic. Well, so then get this, and I'm 40, I've become very...

No, you're not. Namaste, Zen. What are you talking about? Sorry, what? Well, because I was going to move, and I was ready to move. And then I thought about it, and then I was like, Louisa, you need to be present, where you are, stop running away from things, run towards something, so stay where you are, make it epic, make it amazing, and then leave on a high, don't leave on a low.

So that's what I'm trying to do now. That's good. And be centered, just for six months, then I'm out of there. Six months. I love leave on a high. So this is like a manifestation thing. Yeah, well, stop running away. Just somebody said to me, like,

because it's running away from Birmingham. And I keep running away from everything because life hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to or whether I thought it would. And I keep, like, looking for it. And it's like, actually, what if you were faced to be like, it's right here, right now, make the fucking best of it. Imagine you've got six months to make the best of it.

Imagine, that's it. And you go, okay, what could I do? And then you start feeling better. And then once you make a choice, you always feel better. That's so... What you're saying is so profound and so smart, but it also comes down to the fact you found a Chinese you liked. And I think we need to, like,

Let's celebrate Louisa and her truth and her spirituality, but also condoning it down to the fact that you like a hoist and sauce. I probably said this before, and people have heard this before, if anybody cares. I wanted to date a guy and he didn't want to date me. He was very posh. He grew up in, he went to a place called Hurtwood House, which charges like £12,000 a summer for a very, very rich school. And I was one of the student assistants, like teaching English of a foreign language for a summer school.

Oh, yeah, yeah. When the boys went there, his son was right, when the teachers there. He, um, to woo me. get this, this is at the time before I realized anything about the world. He brought me a copy

of the Sun newspaper because the local news agent didn't stock it because it's Surrey, Tory culture so they didn't stock the Sun newspaper at that time I was like, oh my God, it's so romantic. I was like 19 at the time

and I was really into Mystic Meg so I was like it's got in the Sun newspaper. I've never heard anyone A, by the Sun, B, by the Sun romantically. Well, this was back in the day when everything was ignorant and I didn't realize, obviously

like what paper, how horrific that paper is. Yeah, you were just trying to support Meg. Right, I was. I just wanted to know what's going to happen today. I get it. I got it. And then I had Chinese food and we were at the back and I was like, we hadn't done anything yet

and I was like, you know if you let me put this hoist in your penis like I'll suck it off? And he was like, no, absolutely not, never going to happen. I was like, oh, that's a shame, it's a really good sauce. I'm sorry, how old was this boy? Like he was like maybe a year or he's so young. So I was 19, he was 18. And then we had chemistry for eight and I'm not a sexy person.

I'm a sex, sorry, I'm a sexy person. I don't have a lot of sex. Oh, I'm frigid as fuck, I'm like, I'm a horny virgin or a frigid whore. Like, I'm both at the same time. It's crazy with lines like, if you let me put this hoist in on your penis, it's a wonder that you... Listen, I'm creative. Like, I'm good. Like, I'm creative and I'm good and I feel like in sexy time.

I'm so much fun. Like, my last boyfriend, I really adored him. And when I had great sex, I'd just like to start singing. And I'd be like, this is the first sex. That's never. And he'd be like, you've gone, haven't you? I was like, no, I'm still in the room. I'm still very much in the room.

I'm just having a very nice house. You're doing a show whilst having sex. I've written a dick before and done a song. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you ever feel? That's hilarious. That's hilarious. Incredible.

The thing is, it's been so long now that I don't even know how to ride a penis. And I keep watching these TikTok videos of how to ride a penis. But you're supposed to go up and down and back and forth. And I can't even remember. No, no, it depends on the angle of your vagina. I've only got one angle because of those are down. Well, they say, apparently, they say this shows my naivity at 40. You can tell how many willies I've slept on.

Slept on. Oh, sleeping beauty. this one's just right. Lovely, no. No, I was going to say, that apparently guys don't like, but guys are like, oh, it's really boring when she just goes forward and back.

Like, we want it up and down. Oh my God. But isn't that all in that one motion? Can I just pause? Sorry. Sorry, this is, listen, if you're watching this, I'm willing to learn. Wait, stop that!

That's what I was going to say is, I think at 40, you need to trust that you know exactly what you're doing and that you don't need to listen to. I haven't, no, because I haven't sound of penis. No, but listen, I haven't sat on a penis for ages. Like, I don't even know. Andrew, trousers off.

Like, it's been, listen, I'll have fun with it. I'll be like, what I want to be is like, look, just don't get involved. Just let me do my thing and you just, shh. This is the most straight chat I've ever. Are you, are you a fully straight woman? Yeah, I know. No, it's great. Gays love me.

Girls and gays love me. I believe you. And I also think, like, I'm aware it happens. I know it's possible. I'm fully straight, so why are you acting like you've never met one before? I know, but you date so many gay men. it's confusing. It's like, are you part of the culture or not? They like singing and so do I, so do I, so I get very confused.

Yeah, well, it's easy, it's an easy mistake to me. Their personality is better. One is that made for a bath bomb from scratch, like, yeah, that one I should have seen. Yeah, like, you should know, you should know. He also wants to sort of lick me out, put on the goofy movie. I mean, there is a place for somebody to have that in your life, and there is a place to roll out there.

I do like that, and I've always, because when I first started comedy, my huge, huge thing was, I want to appeal to the girls and the gays, the girls and the gays, the girls and the girls, because I felt like we weren't really spoken to as an audience or we weren't really catered to. And we weren't felt I didn't feel welcome in comedy spaces.

I was like, this is boring, it's very masculine. Me and my friends are fucking hilarious. Like, what's this shit? And so I always went with the girls and the girls and the girls. And I've had so many offers of opportunities. And I'm always very flattered. The lesbians are forward. Oh, my favourite.

My favourite compliment. Because I always stand outside my show afterwards and say, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Tell me what you talk. Tell me what you tell me how much. you like me. Ask for a picture. Ask for a picture.

Tag me. Gnam, gnom, gnom, damn. Give me kisses. And a woman came out once. She was like, I'd lick the life out of you. And I went, sorry, I went, sorry. Do you want to patch?

I'd lick that. I was like, oh, you said what I thought you said. Cool, cool. That's very lovely of you. Thank you very much. Come on. Lick the life out of you. Hell, no.

See, that's what you're not 100% gay because your eyes did like that. Lick the life out of you? I would have to do that. It's fine. I'm about to slide off this chair just talking about this. I will receive a gift from everyone. See, I knew it.

This is why she's always like, I'm 100% straight, but then, yeah, the second somebody says, Oh, no, I was terrified of her when she said that. Helen's favorite type of sex is where she lies back, drinks, wine, isn't spoken to, and they just eat her out. Oh, really? It feels very relaxing for me, Louisa, I won't like. Very relaxing for old Helen.

It's a very vulnerable position to be in, though, isn't it? Really, I think it's like a power position. Physically I'm not that fit either. To be that relaxed and like, just be drunk and let them just lick you for ages. Once ate a pizza. Domino's pizza. Yeah. Oh.

I can't really be hungry and horny at the same time. Oh, you can. I really feel like I haven't lived. I really feel like you go. Oh no, I've not lived. I've just been licked out. You have. I've eaten a pizza while somebody's been giving you cullingas.

If that's not living a life, mate. Thank you. At my parents' house. No. They weren't in. They went in. They went in. I tried to do the takeaway thing with the hoison, but he wasn't having it.

But why you want him? Well, why are you asking permission? No, because there's been a movement, me too, and you know, you kind of have to follow the rules these days. Yeah, not for women. Hell is important. Yeah, like, they'd always be like, Louisa, no, no, no, no. And I'd be like, no, come on, come on, come on.

And eventually they would, and we would. But it never, it never worked out for me, and I've learned. We literally just spoke about this in the last episode. I would do the same, I'd ask a guy out and he'd be like, oh, no. And instead of being like, oh, I'll leave it. I'd be like, they just haven't seen enough. of me. Yeah.

So I'd go back two months later and be like, what about now? Right? With just like a new hair accessory. So, and it's so bad. It's so bad. It's so negative and so damage to our self-esteem.

It's all about our self-esteem. It's all reflective of us. But as soon as they would say no, I'd be like, oh, let the games begin. Yes. By the way, this was when I was younger, not now. Oh, yeah, me neither, me neither. Ha, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was actually going to say, do you want to say a word that's more generous to you so that people don't tweet you being like, what? I'm actually quite predatory. that actually is better. Oh, it used to be. Do you know what makes me really sad?

I'm not a blanket statement. Aren't all teenage girls a bit predatory? Yeah, but I'm not anymore. And it makes me really sad. No, but of course you're a predatory. You've got to, right, there's so much going on. You've got a school disco you've got to have a date for. You've got to find a date for them.

You've got to make sure that you're sitting next to someone at Thought Park. Like, you've constantly got to be thinking. And also, as comedians, you're the old one out. You do your own thing. you say who you say when you say who you do your own fucking thing you're not shy you're not scared so just going to be like you come on let's go now let's try and they'd always say no like i'd never do somebody that would say yes somebody would say yes i'd probably be terrified around the opposite direction but someone said no i was like i felt very safe being like i'm going to explore my

confidence what are they teaching the young girls of hampshire how to have no self-esteem clearly i hate this for you going to horn you might get married but don't like it Do you know what annoys me, though, is that I wasn't a whore and all those bitches that got fingered at 12 and now married to their partners with a fucking double Volvo, double garage and a two volvos. You don't want that. No, I don't, but you go...

But I want the option of that. Yeah, you go, really? Really? Really? That kids are already at Farnber Sex Film College. We wish them well. And we wish them well. We do wish them well. Would you be so kind to help us solve a listener problem?

Yes, please. Amazing. I'm already... I can't tell which way this is going to go. Okay. I'm just really happy you share a vibe with me. Andrew, I would say

I think we have like a wisely be my boyfriend. There's something in the water, isn't there? There's definitely wisdom about it.

Yeah, so I think give us Oh, I'm really good at this. Could me and Louisa solve it as Hampshire girls and then get the actual

perspective? No, I'm not me. Don't include me in your weird little team. No, no, I'm locking you in with me. I'm locking her in with me.

You're on your own island, bitch. Like you're on your own fucking us hamchette girls. It's called Co-Rode. Not having it. This is titled, Am I Forever Bonded to My...

Sorry. This is entitled Am I Forever Bonded to My First Boyfriend? Oh. Okay, who's it from? This is from M. Hi, Em! Hello, Trustee Hogs.

I love the podcast. Sorry, this is a bit long. I got into a... No apologies for length. Thank you for writing in. We appreciate it. I got into a very serious relationship at the tender age of 18

in my last year of school. school. It started very tumultuously. I had very serious family issues going on at home and was extremely anxious. I also have a sneaky feeling there was such as it is a sprinkling of daddy issues going on. But after the first year of hoberness, to be honest, with some cheating thrown in his part, I think in year two we genuinely were deeply in love. I of course was deeply in love from the moment I met him, but you know man, I am now 26 and last year this boyfriend broke up with me. Things have been going a little bit weird. We lived with each other for four years, but when COVID started, we both moved home

separately and I could feel his, I could tell his feelings changed, but I kind of thought we were just going to work on it. I was definitely not expecting a breakup after seven years. We'd basically built our life together and planned our entire existences around each other. So fast forward to today, and of course, because men are men,

men are mean, I don't know whether that's a typo or that's just this true statement. Men are men and men are mean. He has spent the last 12 months after our breakup texting me on every night out, and at one point begging to get back together and when I agreed broke up with me again four weeks later I know that I have a deeply anxious attachment style and that his text make me feel secure

I think my heart believes that once he figures his shit out will be all be fine again and live happily ever after he has also basically implied this it got to a point in the recent past that I begged him to block me back as I've blocked him on everything but there's actually no way to block someone on revolt I genuinely was into customer services for 45 minutes before they answered me I haven't heard from him in a long time now but it doesn't feel like my feelings are different. I still very much feel attached to him and that he's my best friend still to this day. I think I'm waiting

to hear that he has a new girlfriend or he's in love and then things will change but until them I'm in such a static state it feels like he's in control completely of my emotions still. What if he doesn't move on for three years and then all of a sudden I've wasted four years? Thank you for your help. We've been over there to be other problems. Move country

it's what I did. No. It's the only answer. It's the only answer. You're going to pine, you're going to want them. They're going to get any partner anyway. Move country. You're going to think for a while that they're going to fly over and come and get you they're not going to they're going to get a girlfriend you move on and they're it's the only option it's the only option it's the only it's the one that worked for me it's the after five years of misery cool that's one option louisa any of them yeah keep going stay invested in this game you put this much in no genuinely you put this much

in bitch like why would you leave now like you put this much in oh you are a hamshare If this is not like the love story that you want for your children, I met your dad when I was a baby and he cheated on me and he went out and he dumped me and he got me back and he dumped me and he got me back and mommy stayed because mommy has tenacity and now we have you and I don't know where your father is or when he'll be coming back but hopefully it will be soon. Stay in the motherfucking game.

Wow. Wow. That's my advice. So toxic, so clear, so confident. And that's what I am doing. Wow. The thing is, though, I think you're right. I love that.

I think you're right in the sense that I think that if she does stay, it will be hell. It will be hell. It's very difficult. She sounds to me, I don't know from, I mean, also, she knows what to do. She apologized in the first sentence and in the first paragraph was an apology, apology, apology. He did this and this, and I know he did this and this, but he did this and this, but I know it was the first thing she mentioned was all the shit he behavior. so she knows you are well aware you don't need three strangers to tell you

you know what you need to do you're also 26 and in love and you genuinely think you're in love again and I understand that as a feeling and she's loyal she's very loyal so when you're a loyal person the beautiful quality it's a great quality and it's just a shame when somebody else is a reciprocatory

reciprocate reciprocative reciprocate yes he's not being reciprocative he's not reciprocating he's not reciprocating Nor are his feelings reciprocal, but we'll work on that idea. Of that. That's a shame because she's loyal. So she's staying loyal, but he's not loyal.

Yeah, I agree. First of all, I also want to be like, there was so much, like, relatable pain in that message. I was like, oh, I completely, I understand. But I also, I think you're so right. The things that are keeping her there are good qualities. She's loyal. She's understanding.

She's empathic, clearly. But time and time again, he's proved he's not worthy of those, of that treatment. And also, I think that I understand, really understand the, like, pain shopping you're doing, that, like, thing where you go, let me just check if he has a girlfriend because then I'll be so wounded that I'll be forced to get over it. Actually, that's, like, a myth, I think, that one where you're like, well, all I need to do is to feel the most abject pain I could possibly feel, and then the only way is up.

And it's like, no, no, you could still pine. He could have a wife, you could still pine. It's about you moving on for your own reasons. Look at Diana, Charles and Camilla. 100%. That's a great example. That's a great example. But also what you're looking for is in the new girlfriend or a new partner is for you to have proof that it's never going to happen again.

Whereas if you decided it was never going to happen again because he is so unworthy of you, then you have the same outcome, right? If you make a choice. Just also, what's the, what's the best case scenario? Like, what's the best case this person is going to suddenly show character and, you know, a truth that you. not experienced from him before a loyalty that you've never had him show you like he's suddenly going to grow a backbone and even if he did how would you trust that holy and you would she wouldn't she wouldn't she wouldn't she wouldn't of course you wouldn't so what does m do like practically she takes care of herself she puts all the energy and love that she has been giving away

into herself go on a holiday you want to go on take yourself to the spa spend your money on yourself i'll bet she is such a good loyal giving partner do those things for yourself and also busy yourself until you find one day you haven't thought about him. I would, and I would also, and this is shit advice, but I would not make any major decisions with him. I think what you make me, it's too painful, it's too hard. The more you focus on yourself and focus on yourself and what you're doing, go to the gym, go to the gym, if you don't go to the gym, go to the gym, go to the gym, if you do go to the gym, go and have some nights out. Whatever it is that you're missing in life, do more of that. Yeah. And I think that will

give you some confidence and perspective and be like, oh, actually, I like myself. Like, I'm good. Like actually that's not enough of me anymore And also one thing that I think is really hard to do At the end of long-term relationships When somebody has Rocked your sense of what you thought your world was going to be What your life was going to be Her entire sense of being an adult

It's from 18 onwards All your hopes, right? All your hopes is I think it's really helpful To make a list of the things you want You want And they can be the exact same list Or a totally different list Of the things you wanted with him

But very rarely are they impossible Because the person's gone Like, I thought we were going to buy a house. Okay, so you now know you want a house. That's such a good advice. Okay, so you know a thing you want is kids. Like, because I think... That's good, Catherine.

That's really good. It's almost like I have some experience. Can we do that? I want to do that. Making sure that your dreams are your own and they don't belong to the idea of the couple that you had. Because then... God, therapy really works for you, doesn't it? Turns out.

Yeah. Turns out. Also, it means that when you, if you get into another relationship, you can be honest and know exactly what you want. You're not going to conform to. to what the other person wants. And the last thing I'd say is, in my opinion, when you can, when you're ready,

M, when you're ready, it's really hard to do. But I think it's very easy at the end of long-term relationships to only focus on the loss. In the moments where you feel sane enough to, if you can be like, what was good about that?

And am I glad happened, even if it's over? I think it's quite helpful to go. Oh, to look back on a relationship and go, like, I'm glad we had that time together, but it's also come to an end. It's really hard to impress. This is a level of self-love

and self-esteem that I'm not prepared for. It's really hard when it's fresh. That one I'm not sure everyone can get to. Just be clear. Catherine didn't get there. She went on a pottery day course. Fuck you. No, but it's a lovely.

You're absolutely right. It's a lovely thing to do. It's a lovely thing to do. Because then I think there can be, you can have a different take on it than just. That's a thing that devastated me as opposed to like, that's a thing that was good for a lot of it. And then also wasn't.

Great advice then, but I still think looking to moving country. Listen, moving countries and option. I mean, I'm with that. Go dramatic. go big, go home. If it was on a list. Go in or move. Yeah.

But like really make a big deal out of it. You're like move to Germany or move outside his front door. Yeah, it has to Germany because I do Germany. I'm just saying there's better options. Like I like leaning into the misery of being like single, depressed, alone, heartbroken in a, in a wintry wonderland of Nazi stuff, right? There's something that, like other people go to Yorker. Everyone's different.

Yeah. Everyone's different. Also, you could just buy a dog. by a dog a dog will love you unconditionally and then you'll be like that's the level of love that I want and need in my life

and deserve it's equal loyalty as well there yeah loyal to each other you can see what loyalty feels exactly some options that's a lot of options

I know but I hope that helps I think that's one of the best solutions we've offered in recent thank you Andrew I think me and Louisa did a great job we really nailed it Helen we really nailed it

well done you do Thanks. Well done. Do you want to solve one more problem? Yeah, I was just thinking that. It's such a role. Go on then. I think we're qualified.

I think so too. Sad girls' club. Let's go. Just to clarify, financial and medical advice, we are not qualified. I don't know. I'm pretty. Please don't hold us level. Pretty good on the old financial.

Are you? I've got a pension. This is actually a finance one. Yeah. Okay. Six pound 91. Sorry, I was like talking about how I've got. I got a pension.

Six pound 91. took me about three days on the phone. Hampshire. Three days on the phone. Thank you. Three days on the phone to set it up and it's from a job I used to have at a bakery and they went at 6.91 and I was like, worth it.

Worth every penny. I need to figure out how to do that. Go on. Okay. Hi, Trussie Hogs. Hello. This is from Dee. Hi, Dee.

Firstly, I just want to say how much I love the podcast and it really brightens my day. Thank you, Dee. More of that, more of that, more of that. Great. My problem with is with a few of my friends being tight with money. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem paying for my friends when they cannot afford things or doing activities that don't cost anything.

Things are becoming increasingly more expensive and I just want them to be there. However, my issue is that they like to discuss how much money they earn, brackets more than me, and all the new things they have put themselves, but they're not arguing over pennies at dinner. We always end up having to take ages, arguing over the bill, and then they will happily help themselves to my food, but then do not chip in with the cost because they didn't. order it. They also never leave a tip. It's up to me and my other friend. Also, I don't drink, so you usually drive, and I'm always happy to take my friends home, but they rarely say thank

you. And on the rare occasion, they do drive somewhere. They request that we give them money towards fuel, but they never offer or give us back in return or buy a drink. We are all in our 20s, and now that we aren't teenagers anymore, and we all have jobs, I find disgusting money to be tricky. I try to be a generous person, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being used slightly and I have to let I've let it go on for too long when I should have just brought it up to begin with. I'm not very good at being direct but I just want them to see it from my perspective. How do I bring this up? Am I being petty? Should I address this? I actually had this recently. Really? Not the exact same thing. Okay. But like a guy I know who

like I know the work he does like I know how much is getting paid and a couple of jobs he'd done I know he got a lot of money for it but he spent so much time in front of me and other people who really are not earning like him complaining about his earnings how he's got no money he's got no money and I was like

what the fuck is he talking about I know he does and I figured it out perspective wise it's because he's always lived at home not charged rent he's literally paying rent for the first time in his life obviously private school never worked before so his perspective of not having money is different and I wonder there's something like that with the

friends because some people's oh shit I don't have any money yeah is other people's fuck me I'm going Disneyland I think there's a few things is like I think when people don't what people confuse I think is like a vernacular where it's easier to say I don't have any money which is so indis ingenuous and sort of gaslights through the people at the table yeah because it's easier than saying I don't want to spend my money on that which is actually what you mean hundred thousand and it's okay to say 100,000. It's absolutely, okay.

But I think D shouldn't have any anxieties about saying it straight because your friends don't. They have no problem to say, give me my money for the car ride. Then you're going to go. Also, ask you for petrol money. It's chill. Like, you can do that, right? They do it. You can do it.

Of course you can. But also, she doesn't need not, I don't think she even needs our advice. The way you compose that text message is so thoughtfully, fairly composed. You copy that message and you paste it in the WhatsApp group chat. You copy it and you fucking paste it. I love Louisa. You do not drop a bomb like that in a group chat. You do.

What do you, drop the bomb and then leave? Yeah, you do, because here's... No, you don't leave. You stay because you go, if you're my friends and you love me and we've been together since stay fucking dot, which it sounds like we have been, this is hurting me, this is upsetting me.

You're mental. No, I love it. I love it. And you go, do you know what? That's a real shame. We're never really fucking friends then. I love you. Or you go, or she comes back

and she goes, hang on a second fucking deal. You say that, but how many times did we pay for your holiday or pay for the... And you go, oh, actually, shit, I forgot about all those times. You're right, my bad. Let's even it out. You're talking about a WhatsApp group in your 30s. She's in her 20s.

Yeah, do it. I love that energy so much because actually... They're her friends. These are not strangers. These are her best friends. Yeah. And you do it with love. She's sending it with love.

She's saying, guys, this is upsetting me. This is her, and I say this with love, and I find it weird. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I hope you don't come for me. I'm trying to do this generously, but this has been bothering me for a long time. And as my friends, I would like, to think that you wouldn't want me to be sat here on my own bitching about it to other people

when you're my besties and I want to agree with you. Siphon off the most impressionable one in the group. Winch them and bitch about your other best friends. Start a circle of bitching that travels around the whole group until you all inevitably hate each other and then do a reunion in 10 years time. For the first time ever, I'm actually like, I have nothing to add.

Louise, I fully agree. The only thing I would say is maybe would be... Put a kiss on the end. Oh, for sure. I think add all the like, I feel I'm sending this with love, kiss, kiss, I love all that. Love the coercive language. of like little kissy face emoji. And I'd love to know how you feel about the situation. But honestly, the only thing I thought was when they were reading the messages,

because I sometimes do this, is like, I'll pay for things, say I'm fine with it, but then silently actually resent or see it. So I think that if they continue to do that and the behaviour doesn't change or you're not willing to have the confrontation, you've got to at least stop paying for things and being like, hope it'll all work out in the wash because it doesn't. Yeah. It's not, that's not going to happen. So either say, like, I never lend,

my dad always said, never lend what you can't give and never borrow what you can't pay back. Never a lend or a borrower be. No, he doesn't say that. He says, he's happy to lend, but he's like, assume it's a gift if it comes back, great.

That's so funny. That's wrong. That's not what my father, the one I'm talking about. That's what my dad said. No, his point is if you're going to give something, assume it's a gift, and if it comes back great, but don't give, like, waiting for you.

Do you want to use this moment to air something that you feel like? Because I feel like you're very generous, and now I'm panicking, but I haven't paid you back for a milk, right? No, no, I think we actually, no, I think we're kind of a similar in gorse ilk, where sometimes I think we give. We both offer too quickly. Yeah. Tell you who's really good, Chloe Pets.

Yeah, come on. Who's comedian and, like, on the podcast, Queer Bear. Yeah. So they, like, I'm the same as you as we both sort of, like, If I'm going to the bar, like, do they don't want me things? I don't want to buy you all drinks. Yeah.

But I will offer. And then I will do it. And like, but consistently. No, no, no, no. I've got this. I've got this. I'm getting dinner. No, no, no, no, it's good.

What the fuck am I doing? My company isn't sufficient. So I'll just, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'll pay for the cinema. It's like, it's fine one, get one free. So I might as pay for the whole thing. Chloe, so we went to see a show. And then after it, like, they had their friend with them.

And I was like, oh, I'll get drinks. If you go into the toilet, I'll get drinks for all of us. And I went, we'll each get our own. We're all adults. And I was like, I love you. Just like, we're all adults. We've all got our own. And I thought, that is how easy is that to say?

I mean, it would be nice if they'd have gone. Actually, Helen, you did it the last five times. I'll get this round. They wouldn't have let you do it the last five times. No, they wouldn't have actually. They're someone who like naturally is very astute to that thing. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a friend of mine who's always very much like,

if there's never going out in a group, she's like, stop buying drinks to these people. Like, this is not fair. that's two rounds you bought they haven't bought you like, I'll get this, I'll get this and she always ends up paying more and I'm like, oh you don't have to like

please don't do it and she's always there's some people I think the two score thoughts some people that just don't care and I hate those that just pretend not to notice that there's another drink in front of them

and you go okay bitch like well no that's I worked for that yeah, you're welcome but like and then there's other people that go above and beyond and be like you paid for three rounds

like please let I'm going to do this now and I think it's good to be mindful of that and also just quickly not to make it about us but we're all comedians we get the petrol thing because inherently you go through a series

of having to giggle over the country and being in car shares, shout out, mirth control! Someone's got a shout, no one else is doing it. Is it still going, Merth control? It will never end. It will never end. I was like 50 years old when I started.

Fucking hell. And also what's amazing, same guys. And you have to be in these car shares and then like, it is amazing how quickly people talk about who didn't give petrol money. So the deal is, you get in this car, they drive you to the gig,

drive you back, sort of drop you off usually in the middle of nowhere, but you're in London so you can get home or wherever you're living. And then you split the petrol money. Everyone saves money on having to do travel or staying overnight somewhere. So everyone should win. There are people who don't give petrol money.

There are also people who charge more than the petrol costs. There's also people that do that. There is drama left right and centre with this. But like those famous stories, like my friend wants to pick someone up, didn't offer petrol money. Also, never met them. before, which is always a bit awkward. It's like, oh, we're both comedians.

We're going to be in the car together for about eight hours. So, let's see if we can, let's make this nice and then maybe really quickly suggest that we both like the same podcast and put it on. Yeah. The easiest way to do it. This guy got in, pulled his hat down and fell asleep. Yeah. And then.

Yeah, that would be made, to be fair. I'd be like, um, right. You wouldn't say hello. I'd be like, oh, do we have to do this. Hi, you're right. This is awkward. No, you wouldn't. You would have for petrol money, though.

I mean, I mean, would I mean, would I. You would. You would. She's out in herself, let her be. I don't know. You've not offered petrol money. No, I think it would be a stand. Like, it'd be a stand.

You know, I would, I would offer petrol money. You'll be a stand and I'll be like, here you go. Yeah. But do we have to talk. No, no, this is what I'm saying. You do the nice tease. Hey, hey, how's it going, blah, blah. Oh, are you listening to anything?

Oh, yeah. There's more to my nervousness. Like, I just don't want to have to do that conversation like that for eight hours. That's why you find a podcast you both like and you pop it on. Asa. Brie, I don't think I've ever done a car show with a podcast. I always suggest us. We're the same person.

We're like, cool, cool. The thing is that if we talk, I'm going to have to do most of the talking because my energy suggests that I like you more than I do and it's actually just my accent. So how about a podcast? All right. You accidentally end up emceeing conversations

with boring people. Every time. Oh, that's long, isn't it? A new comedian told me off the other day for emceeing a conversation. A new comic. What did they say? They'll be like, you don't have to emcee this.

It's not where I'm staying. Oh, is that they say. Until what I was doing, I was in, including them, because they were on the periphery of the conversation. We were in a group and I felt bad for them. And I went, come join, come join, come join. And I was like, oh, do you know everyone, this is blah, blah, blah. What are you doing?

I'm seeing the conversation. Yeah, do you know, I would say that to them? I'd be like, do you want to stop repeating fucking adlibs or... Oh, I said, I'll stop emceeing when you've learned how to. Yeah, exactly. Like, I hate it when you get, this is my biggest bug bearer of comics is when they repeat what they've heard other more experienced comics say and they say it as if it's their own verbatim.

And you go, I know, I know. that's a line that somebody else fucking says you're talking shit like if you feel awkward or uncomfortable say you feel awkward and uncomfortable but don't fucking take out your insecurity just because i've got the fucking balls and politeness to try and make you feel included so fuck off like it we i mean i wouldn't say that i mean i wouldn't say that for my ringtone fees that would be my new ringtone it's so true fuck off oh my gosh louisa you're such a good guest thank you so much for doing our podcast oh do you know what i was so like thank you i am i beg these girls to let me on their podcast you literally did not you did not have to beg us we're like yes please but You're a long-time fan. I've watched some of their clips on night and I keep watching them. I'm like, these girls are so funny. They're so funny.

And it's so nice to see like just really just funny people just doing their thing being really funny. And I was like, please can they come on your podcast? Please. You're so kind. It's so weird.

You probably don't know this, but we were talking about it earlier, in fact, to you about how we've both seen your show live, which we'll talk to about in a second. But also, I did a course, a comedy course years ago, but six years ago, Logan Murray's course.

Did you? Mm-hmm. I did Logan Murray. I know you did because Logan Murray pulled me aside one day and he was like, are you going to Edinburgh? And I was like, I've never been, I don't know. And that year I went to flyer and tech some shows and I ended up doing loads of spots.

And he was like, okay, well, I think you're, I think you really, I think you could really do this. I want you to watch carefully, Louisa Omalan. She's the best student I've ever had. And she just has made, and she's not just built a door. She built a door frame. She built a porch. She let herself in.

She's created a whole new room for herself and that's how I think you should do comedy. So I was like, oh my God. That is what I will do. And he was dead right. And I feel like you've done like loads to really be like this. I can do comedy my own way

and bring an audience to me. Is this what would Beyonce do? This is the year. That's exactly what it was and you just brought it to Australia and so tell us about it. You're doing like a comeback tour? Well, no, it's not a comeback tour.

It's weird because like it feels weird because it's weird to you ever went. But you know what I mean? But, like, it does feel a bit like that because it feels like I started this thing, this movement, and I see so many shows now that are very inspired or reflected. Like, I see so much of my influence in my shows in newer comics now. Really?

Yeah, all the time. Yeah, but you go, oh, it'd be nice if I got paid for it, though. Do you know what I'm on the whole day? Like, it's all well and good being the first one to do it, but it'd be nice if I get some money played. But could I get fucking, and I think people think... I think I know one of the ones you're thinking of. People think people think that you're more,

I think people think that you're more wealthy or more famous than you actually are. Like, I don't think people realise that actually comedy. Everybody's quite... Oh, they think that if you do a TV gig, then you must be rich, and it's not how it works. But also, like, from the legacy of what Beyonce do, like the fact that show, I still get people talk to me about it now, that show's 10 years old, but it was never on Netflix,

it was never picked up, it was never picked up for anything, like it was on the free fringe, you know, it was very... Mad, yeah. It was a very... And now I see shows all the time people doing it, but at the time that show was so significant and so culturally, culturally significant at the time. And so many journalists and things would be like mocking it and snobbing it,

snobby because it was a girl and I was like beautiful and like you know big earrings and wasn't afraid to be like I'm in your face and I'm gorgeous wow and I've got these insecurities and suicide and all this bullshit and they'd make it so quick to be like that's not stand up and actually why are you talking about oh you suicide attempts oh that's very inappropriate talk about that and why are you talking about like your body oh it's very inappropriate and now seeing those same people right be like it's really great to see a woman you know talk openly about her mental health and body images and you're like yeah and it's cool to be been part of the the genre, part of the generation that helped push that through.

But also fucking cite it. But it's also, like, it's just a bit like, so whatever. Anyway, that's my little gripe with it. It's a beautiful show. I'm so proud of it, and it's 10 years this year. And it's a funny show. It's so funny. It's so funny.

It's a party as a party. The women who, I remember going to see it, the women in the room were like losing their mind. Yeah, it was always a party with jokes, and it was for the girls and the gays because I always felt like, These are my friends and my friends are black, white, Asian, you know, divorced parents, single, like one chasing the dream, watch sex in the city, but can't afford the lifestyle, aspirational in there, but still fucking spend all their money on, you know, an nice pair of shoes that they can't fucking afford, but fuck it, they did it. And it was just for them to be like, it was not for them, it was for us, it was what we were talking about.

I was like, let's put that out there. And I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to perform. I couldn't get an agent, couldn't do it. And I just created the thing that I wanted to be. And I got to do it every day. And so I'm doing a 10 year. It's a 10 year.

So I'm just doing a best off show. So all my shows, what we're on to do. Am I right, ladies? Politics for bitches. And God is a woman. That's a good titles. Taking the best bits of those and just putting together a little tour. So where can people see it?

Well, I'm going to Glasgow on the 23rd of July. And then I go to Soho Theatre. for the first two weeks of August. Oh, she's smart. Then is smart. Because I'm not doing anywhere. So September, I'm doing at Belfast and then in October,

November I'm doing Leeds and Newcastle. And then I just do, what do I do then? Where can they buy tickets? Louise at Omerland.com. Okay, how do you spell O'Millan for? O-M-I-E-L-A-N. And Louise is L-U-I-F-A-S. And you really want to go see the show.

Like, you were in the show notes. Oh, yeah, it'll be in the show notes, just click on it. But it's like, me and Catherine have both seen it. We've watched Louise. like I've seen your Amazon special as well incredible like politics for bitches really learned a lot definitely aimed at people like me

and thank you because it was like honestly very eye-opening. A lot of numbers a lot and a lot. Thank you for the white border would have got lost track. A hundred percent you want to be in the room and watch the show. Agreed and take your friends take your gay and girls gay and girls because like I

I want to be so much more famous than I am and so you just love that you say it me too yeah I really do And I, do you know what really bugged me? When I was younger, people would always be like, oh, you shouldn't want that. You should want to be the best comedian ever. And I'd be like, no, you want to be the best comedian ever, you dickered.

I want to be rich and famous because I'm the best fucking comedian. Not because I fucked some footballer or that I presented some TV show or that I fucking was ever. Like, I want to be known for the purest, truest meaning of fame, which is you're so good at something. They cannot ignore you. That is it for me. Like optimum.

I don't care. So good at having eight. babies at once. I mean we've got a different no we're on the same wavelength Helen I feel like I'm losing you Helen I'm losing it Helen Politics for Benches I'm losing you but it's that

it's that and you go I don't care for being recognised in the street like it's lovely people go oh my God I love your show yeah I love that I don't want to be where they're like oh my god can have a selfie they don't know who you are they just know they've seen you somewhere I don't want I could not think of anything worse for a horrible life but I want every show I do and every room I play to be rammed

and I want you on your fucking feet and I want all your standing ovations and all your love and I want you to leave with your fists in the air like you can change the fucking world. You know what? That's what I want.

Just stand the whole time. That's what I want. That's what I want. A comedy concert like sex in the city. But that's what that was my thing. I was like I want to be like when I start I was I want to be like Beyonce comedy, the share of comedy. When I watch a share concert,

Beyonce concert, you leave going, I fucking can do this. Like life is shit but actually I can find some good in it. And I want people to watch my shows to do that. You do after your shows. talk, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. I'm not on Twitter. I came off Twitter, but I'm on Facebook.

On the rest. And on everything else. And don't take our word for it. If you are like, should I go to see this show? Don French thinks she's fucking hilarious. If you need any. Hello, the vicar herself. Yeah, I'm sorry. She's beautiful, by the way. She's as beautiful and as gorgeous in real life as she. You know, when you meet something, you're like, oh, wow, you're like even nicer than I thought. A lot of complete, like, I'm not even surprised, but also what a joy to hear. I want to have to Nairis Targary and a coffee.

So yeah. Oh my God. So we've all that. famous friends. That's amazing. You said who? De Nairus Targaryen from Game of Thrones. Oh, that's your accent. Gotcha.

Right, the girl from Game of Thrones. De Nairus. But that's, that's how they say, is it? De Nairus Cargarian. Thank you so much, Louisa, for coming on the podcast. Don't know where that fucking came from. Of women. Yay.

Generis Targaryon from the Game Out turns. I saw it. You know, me and me. Danaris. You can come back any time. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you.

Enjoy. The biggest most heartfelt thanks to our executive producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moores, Janina Bautista, Mary Fox and Annie Tonner, we love you. And to our amazingly beautiful Peggy producers, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redman, Victoria Hutchinson, Emma Walton,

Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Kira Leach, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R, Anthony Conway, Sadie Cash, Moore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah, Molly, Sarah Haki Deakin, Oliver Jago and Alex Pugh. Show off.