Trusty Hogs - Ep42. RACHEL FAIRBURN / Brownies, Beer & Bingo

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

The brilliant Rachel Fairburn (All Killa No Filla) joins us for a chat on all things true crime, arguments in libraries-cum-castles, and drinking injuries. Meanwhile, Andrew steps in for the Stye hindered Helen and gives an update on his thankfully ghost-free love life...Follow Rachel: @RachelFairburnThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-DeakinPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly / Oliver Jago / Alex Pugh / Josie WWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, hi Andrew. Hello, Catherine, how are you? I'm good, let's start the podcast. Hello, welcome to episode 42 of trusty hogs. Today, Helen Bauer is where? She's going to sort of her stye. How is this happening? I don't know.

This is her fourth, fifth stye incident since the podcast started. And worryingly now, she assumes that every time she has a stai, it's because she was wanking, didn't wipe her hand enough. Yeah. Because washing her pant wasn't an option and then put it to her eye. Yeah, I mean, there's an interesting thing that she knows the process that's led to the stye. Yeah. She will not change her behaviours.

No, she won't. Absolutely no learning involved. Why? And then every time we have to see the stai, because she sends so many pictures of her stye up close. I enjoyed her eye patch picture, though. I did not enjoy her eye patch picture. I'll put that on the socials. Okay, I guess you could.

It's just like a disgusting. Like, she makes pirates seem clean. How is that possible? Like, she's like... If Helen came in with scurvy, I wouldn't be surprised. Oh, no. Or gay. All plausible, all plausible.

I'd be like, yeah, sure, that fits. I just don't understand how one woman gets so many sties. But here we are. So you're standing in, Emma's on the production desk. Everything's going to be okay. Probable that both of us, definitely me, will get to finish sentences today, so that's exciting. Yeah, it'll be kind of like a back and forth.

Is that what you call it, a conversation? How but a huh? Will the last sentence be a logical escalation? of the one before us? We're talking sequiturs, we're talking responses. It's all sorts going on. Well, welcome to this one-time edition of Trustee Huggs, where the conversation may indeed make sense.

Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests. and Andrew White on the tech Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And as the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs

Or maybe not Later we have an amazing guest as well I'm so excited she's going to be here Are we can say it? Oh, you can say it The fantastic Rachel Fairburn Yeah Like comedy and podcast queen

I'm so excited It's very thrilling Let's talk about you Andrew Because you're never in the hot seat No, it's nice to be back in the... Here you are Look, cute in your denim jacket. Thank you.

Loving this for you. You got cute little earrings on. Questionable earrings. Here's my... They're cute. Mm-hmm. I love the like four-year-old dresses up as a princess vibe for you. Yeah.

But I wonder how good for your ears they are. They are properly bought. Like they're like vintage from a proper shop. No, stop it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. They weren't like mega rich men. They're only like 22 quid.

But they're not like clip on plastic? No, they've got it. They've got a backing. Oh my God. Who was the woman who was wearing those till her death, I assume? I don't know. I just kind of, I go around open casket events and see. Yeah, it makes sense based on everything I've ever seen you wear.

Do you know what? Because the only earrings I had before were the studs that I got when I had my ears pierced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I realized I've got these now and that this is too showy for day to day. So I need a day to day. You do need a day-to-day alternative. What about the studs that you originally got pierced with? I lost the back of them.

Oh, you can use these backings. you don't have to keep them with their friends. Oh, but it's like a twist on a little sort of, yeah, I'm screwed. Yeah, well, indeed. Well, not, as the case may be. Speaking of, are you still dating that boy? Um, he goes to me.

Stop it. No, he didn't. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was like, Goucester number five, six, seven, eight. Who knows? I've lost count at this point. I've just got a whole fucking haunting behind me.

I hate that I believed you so readily. I know. But to be fair, track record. It's my track record. seem more implausible that this is going well but is it it is going well well wow does he listen to the podcast he listened to the extras where I talked about him because he wanted to hear it and how did he feel about it he thought it was great I really enjoyed it although in that podcast I also talked about my moose knuckle um which now is a running joke well that is harrowing I'm so sorry to

hear it okay so what's happening what date are we on um date six is tomorrow date six Oh, so cute. Men, gay men work at a much lower pace than lesbians. Even though you are a very commissal gay man. Yes. Oh, all in. We would be on date like 74 by now, M. Yeah, like how many weeks have you known this person?

Month and a half? Oh, please, six dates. M. M. You should see M's face. M is like, no, no. If you haven't discussed children by now, what are you even doing? That's crazy. So six dates over a month and a half. Where's the date?

We're going to see Thor tomorrow. The movie? The movie Thor, yes. Interesting. Why? He wants to see it. I want to see it. We're going to go see it.

I've got Odeon Limitless. It's like very cheap. It's nice. Why, you old romantic you. Well, as a matter of convenience and it's cheap. He suggested it. He was like, you've got Odean Limitless, right? Let's just go to the cinema.

Do you worry he's using you for your Odeon Limitless card? Oh my God. Can you imagine? Yes. I can. I can't. I can't. So my limitless and he disappears.

He's no longer a student. student he's um my apology yeah he no longer students he no longer students no okay very impressive great well well well look hope it goes well are you having sex now um depends on your definitions well i'm not a 50 year old straight man so you can go ahead and assume i'll define it as you define it okay yeah yeah yeah congratulations so exciting uh bet you're wishing that helen was here now um i know it would be so much more invasive oh you think she'd be more invasive, that's true. She would have asked what exactly have you done and I will decide whether or not

it's fucking, actually, I'll be Helen. What have you been doing, Andrew? I think the exact phrase. Licking hand stuff, touch stuff, bum stuff, mouth stuff, ear stuff, foot stuff, which stuff? The phrase she normally uses is, has he split you in half yet? Oh, Jesus Christ. But she always assumes that I'm the splitty rather than the splitter, which is I mean, is that wrong?

I'm versatile. Oh, nice. I wish I hadn't asked. The thing is I can't be as invasive. of it's her because I don't ultimately want to know and that is the difficulty I'm like tell don't tell me I actually I don't I don't know well that's sweet I'm congratulations I'm so pleased how exciting how are you what have you been up to what have I been up to Andrew pride we had pride yeah you went to your first prize sorry I know it came to me and I circled back but you went to your first pride what did you learn did you love it oh it's great I learned I learned so I didn't actually learn that much I just enjoyed I had a love

time did you have nice days you see all the pups I saw some pups I saw the LGBT Conservatives who were... No, stop. The booed the whole way around. Of course they were. They were? That's amazing. Were the LGBT police there also?

No, I didn't see them. Okay, they also usually get booed. Okay, I can understand that. Me too. But also... Saw Keir Starmer? Nice. That was the only celebrity I saw.

I was going to try to be like, no, I'm not judging the police, but I physically couldn't make myself do it. No, you saw Keir Starmer? Did he get booed? He didn't get booed, no. Interesting. But I think because he was right next San Juler Ray. who was serving a fit and was she yeah she looked great she had yes it was great um but

what was she wearing tell me everything it was like uh it was very colorful which she had these kind of cute like pink kind of pump sort of things yes angela and um i don't think anyone wanted a booke here for fear that it might accidentally ricochet onto angela reyna that's fair that's fair did you go to trans pride no unfortunately i missed it but um you went well how was it i went briefly it was gorgeous and glorious and great and comfortable and also incredibly frustrating that it wasn't in the news anywhere? Yeah, it's like there were 30,000 people there.

Where was that coverage? I think it's sort of the opposite of pride in a way in that it's like not all commercialised. Yeah, it's just joyful. I guess it's just solidarity rather than commercialism. Goodness me. No, I know.

It was so strange just at Pride Pride, not Pride, you know what I mean. the big London parade, where it was just like, oh, there's, here's, like, a massive HIV charity that's been fighting for years, and here's a fracking company. Yeah. They love oil and gays. I know, it's so good.

They'll sell oil to anyone. Literally. It's weird. But, yeah. I will say, though, some of those floats, they needed to coordinate with each other, their playlists. I think we had about four express yourselves in a row once. Yeah.

It was too much. You're so right, actually. That's the real issue of pride. Yeah. Let's all streamline our playlist, guys. Come on. Come on. Coordinate, please. Yeah. So, also, because Helen isn't here, and we don't have to explain things like, you know, what did she ask about last time? Stonewall. I was like, I literally heard myself saying. Then I was like, no, surely she couldn't have asked. She did ask about stuff. What's okay. So that means that we can get down to the real business of we've been gifted something. We have. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. and Helen's going to be writing

but I'm so happy so Helen talked on this podcast about Flapjacks Flapjacks? Did she bring us any flapjacks Andrew? No, she didn't bring us any flab jacks She talked a lot about the flapjacks that she had and how many, the multitudinous ones she had left over and how she was anxious, Sunil Mighty One

while she was out of the house? Was that the story? She had piles but she didn't bring us any She was like a sort of like a kind of Lord of the Rings dragon sitting in a pile of flapjacks. Yeah, exactly. So the flapjackery of which she spoke, have sent us Flapjack. No, I think this is, do you know what? annoying, it didn't come with a letter. I think this is from an actual

listener rather than the company itself, but I have to... Oh, wait, okay, okay, hang on, so maybe a listener went to the Flapjackery? Yeah, maybe, and sent us. Did you hear the panic in my voice where I was like, wait a second, the person didn't make them in their own home, did they? No, no, this is from the Flapjack, so I get the package,

so I bring the package on to... She needs, health and safety world. It was sent direct from the company, but I don't know whether it's been sent... Who's sent to me? Just these mystery flapjacks, but the point is that Helen doesn't want us to eat any while she's not here. So I do intend to eat several while she's not here. Do you want to open it?

Because it might have a note. Yes, I'd love to. I have a guess, but let's not guess until we've opened it. Hashtag gifted, we never get. Well, that's not a, that's not true. We get so many gifts. Thank you so much. Thank you for all your gifts.

Is this good podcasting? Somebody else listening to me, open a blackjack. That's a big genre, isn't it? Um, box open. Is it ASMR? Hold it right up to the. Ooh. Listen to that crinkle.

Is this what you want? That was quite satisfying, actually. I wish I had the headphones on one second. Oh, my goodness. Tap, tap, tap. We're opening the flapjacks, and it's entirely out of vindictive urges to displease Helen Bow. While I'm joking that,

should I read what Helen put in the WhatsApp group? Please do. Okay. So Helen said, while she's off to get her style, oh God, there it is again. I've seen it again, sorry. No, it's so bad. Please, you have to pretend the flapjacks don't exist until next week.

It's the right thing to do. You know in your hearts. Don't eat the flapjacks. Oh, I can pay her voice note, actually. Oh, why don't we record her one? Oh my God, just thought as well, please, please, please don't eat the flapjacks until the second episode, because that's not fair on Helen. Moo-hoo, poor, babe, she's only four, and there's only going to be four flapjacks left. I'm so excited.

Are you going to see Sunil any time soon? Oh, my God, we should get Saniel some flapjack. We should give one of our flat jacks. That's such a good idea. We should let Sunil know. I'll bet the person sent them and the note's going to say, like, only for Helen and all, like, for fuck to say. There we go. Is there a note?

There is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, there is. We hope you enjoy your box of gluten-free flapjacks. Yes, I can eat them. Great. This is so good. Thanks for the continued entertainment.

You guys are amazing. Have a great day. Amy, a fellow hog. Amy, A-M-I-E. Thank you, Amy. Thank you so much, Amy. This is so nice. This is so nice.

Oh, we've got one cherry bakewell flapjack, one clotted cream budge flapjack, Asbury and white chocolate, one chocolate orange, I'm having the chocolate orange, one lemon drizzle, one salted caramel, brownie flapjack. That also sounds amazing, actually. Goodness me. Thank you, Amy. What a joy. Yeah, thank you so much, Amy.

Which one do you think? Do I send all of the hugs, and anyone messages us to send us something? I just give them my parents' address. And my mom called me, he goes, all these couriers, they keep turning up and they keep asking me, am I the trusty heart?

Are you trusty heart? I didn't know that we were getting so many gifts. Well, only like... Andrew? I brought in everything that's ever been sent to us, I promise. Honestly, I know. Also, I grew those herbs that Patreon sent us. Yeah, and they look amazing. This looks as...

Well, I mean, I did. Clemded. Yeah, do you want to hold up to the camera? This looks so... There's so many of them. We're really going to have to try if we want to eat these before Helen gets her hands on them. Look at that. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Look at that. I'm really bad at this. Lovely. Go check out the video feed. Oh, num, num, num. Oh, no, I really want to eat one, but I'm going to wait till the break because while we are trying to have...

We can't chew into the mic. That's a very Helen moved. Yeah, you're right. I'm so excited. I am, however, going to literally stake claim to... This is such bad podcasting. I'm taking the...

Oh, they're individually wrapped. That's perfect. And I'm taking a chocolate orange. Nice. Because I just... I'm not going to have this debate with her when she gets here. Is there individually wrapped? We could take them all out.

Put them, put something else back in them. Oh, my God. And have Helen open them next episode. Just put them empty. yeah oh my god yes this is amazing this is so great i am going to take that as well okay okay lovely anyway uh can you send you can you send helen a picture of this yeah oh it's me holding the flapjack 's ready to eat okay i i feel like um there's only four in the packet and i'm eating these three as a sandwich okay uh oh that's a good one thank you thank you you're very welcome amy thank you so

much this is the dual gift of like well your generosity is so sweet we get to eat these slap jacks and it's going to annoy Helen so much truly a gift a real a real triple threat the gift that keeps on giving I am oh I do have news I failed my driving test oh no yeah no it's okay it's okay I am I will be honest I knew I'd failed I had a really good drive except for this very obvious fail what happened well I was driving around a very large round bed in Mill Hill and it's like a four lane three lane

yeah so three lane very big and I was supposed to take the third exit so I went into the inside lane as you do when you're going past the 12 o'clock barometer on the old round of bed I don't know if anybody else is going by these rules absolutely I went into the lane I came to the first exit lovely I counted the second exit lovely I check my mirrors I look left I look I indicate I move into the next lane

great now then a car pulls up in the third lane lied me and I've indicated already so I'm told it in and I'm like and I am it turns out allowed to go left still they just merge but it didn't feel right to me I was like surely I can't that seems crazy there's an entire line of traffic to my left how can I go

left I should have gone left but because I if I had not turned on my indicator it wouldn't have been a fault but because I misled traffic misled traffic wow I can't believe you lied to those cars I know I know and then I only had four like

minor faults and you're like to have 16. I think after that I just got stressed. But you know what's so frustrating is? I don't I hate failing, obviously. But I know that most people don't pass on their first time. So that was like fine. What I didn't realize was A, how nervous I'd be.

It's a really stressful. Did you pass your first time? No. Okay. That's reassuring. I cut up an ambulance. What? Yeah. Yeah. What? Well, I thought I was doing practically what was best, but to the book, it was bad. yeah i hear you but the thing i didn't anticipate was how horrendous it would be to have a man

is heatwave man in tiny shorts and high viz explained to me a mistake i was present for yeah it's it's horrible it's like yeah no chris i know babe i was there yeah yeah and he's like and he also did that thing of like and i'm afraid to say i was like i know you don't like obviously i just like just like just fucking rip the plaster off we don't need to do this whole uh it was just like really annoying. He was an Arsenal fan. It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. It was really hellish, actually. So that part I hated.

At least it wasn't the sort of, what do you think you did wrong? Or what do you, that's sort of like questioning. Oh, no, that's really vile. That's really vile. He's like, where do you think he went wrong? And I said, was it when I drove in front of the ambulance? I had its lights on and he went, yes. Well, this guy went, I'm really sorry to say and I was like, oh yeah, I know, I was on the roundabout too. And he was like, Did you say that too?

Yeah, and he said, sorry to say that it is a fail. And yes, it is, I'm afraid it is because of the roundabout. And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, I know. I should have gone left or else not indicated. And he was like, yes, actually, you should have gone left. What happened instead was that you missed at the time? I'm going to say that quick. Oh, it was so.

So, one of the most frustrating things, somebody explaining to you your state, when you already know. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. And also, like, the. wait you know the current wait for a retest at the moment is five months i'll figure it out like i have

a lot of time to ponder my fucking crime like jesus oh my god i so i wasn't chill i was like okay okay okay i mean i'm glad that i wasn't like 18 because i would have probably wailed but um what i did then on the way home because you know they're not insured to let you drive home so you have to yeah uh sit there like a teenager uh is just text everyone i knew had failed the first time And that made me feel a lot better. Good. But yeah, it was bad. I also thought, like, the whole time,

did I tell you that, like, in my head, I've been driving, learning to drive, and, like, even my driving instructor will remind me of this when I'm having a bad day of, like, I'm always driving to impress my dad. So tragic. But, like, I want to be like, I can drive you from the airport to my flat.

And, like, I just really, like, I know he'd be so proud of me if I passed. And he's the person who, like, was encouraging me to do it. And I was like, he is going to be dead. devastated. I failed. No, didn't even reply. Oh. It means nothing to him.

I was like, I was expecting a call. Nothing. Nothing. The man doesn't care. Which is actually better and less pressure. But I was just like, oh, I've just created this fiction in my head. That's so funny. When I, when I impeded that medical emergency, I had taken, it was during, um, school lessons. I took time off school. So I was like, I said to everyone like, I'm just, oh, no, in the next period. I'm taking my mind.

driving test and I had to come back and everyone was like how did you do and I was like oh never mind I'll go again I'm excruciating I will fully admit to having pretended to have passed it to an Uber driver yesterday why would you okay let me just explain he was talking about how much he loves cars we were talking about engines I like cars that's fine we were talking about Formula 1 we were talking about a specific type of classic car we were talking about how he learned, he started to drive and was first bowled over when he was 14 because he used to restart his own, his brother's car,

all that stuff. We were talking, blah, blah, blah. And then he was like, do you drive? And I just couldn't. I couldn't. I was like, I couldn't be like, I failed yesterday. So I just be like, yes, I've just learned and passed. I don't, why? I didn't need to say.

I just said, yeah, because I do drop. And honestly, that was, I just learned and pass. And I turned left at this roundabout. It was really good. I did, well. I was just like, why am I lying to this man? He doesn't know me or give a shit. And honestly, it didn't make me feel the kind of good I thought it would

because it was false. It was a falsehood. Because there is that thing, like, this is like psychology thing. Like, if you imagine succeeding, it releases not the same, but dopamine in a level that. No, I was a wash with shame. Yeah. A wash. It's nice that you've reprogrammed your brain to.

Wait, so you shouldn't imagine success? Well, no, I can't. I, I skip to this video about. I wanted to feel inspired, but I couldn't fucking even watch the video. You know, I know, because I've watched, these videos have like cool titles and like, and then they're like 40 minutes long and I'm like, I know, never mind. I'll just skip through the chapters. What was the general gist of the video that you were trying to watch?

It was about what you need to do to succeed. And he, this guy was saying, if you picture success, you can get complacent. And then he was like, but you've got to do this thing to not do it. He called it, like, I can't know what he called it. I'll be honest, it was, I just scrolled away. No, but that's fascinating because everything else tells you the opposite, right? Which is like, you have to imagine yourself as breathing. Manifest it, yeah, yeah.

That's interesting. That's like the Catholic shame way of teaching. It's like, if you don't do this, you're a bad person, you'll fail and you'll die forever. And you're like, okay, I guess that has driven me. Maybe I should just trust that instinct. Interesting. I wish I'd come up a bed because I think that could be quite an interesting point, and I didn't watch that yet.

Yeah, no, this would be a really good chat. If you had the chat, I imagined finishing the video, and I thought, oh, well, I finished it now. And I scrolled away. This is, oh, my God. Okay, this is the most like Helen you've been on this podcast. You're like, I almost, no, no, no, no. Hey, here's a thought.

How about we never tell Helen I failed my test and we just tell her I passed? Yeah, it's fantastic. Great. Cool. Great. Everyone, if you're listening and you see Helen, I passed my driving test, okay? Yeah. Are we clear?

Oh, imagine if she comes in, though, with a little P-play. for you. She wouldn't do that. No, that is quite thoughtful, yeah. Yeah. She might get me like a fridge magnet of a car. That would be nice. It'll be horrible.

Yeah, I was very unfair, actually. Helen's very thoughtful. She's incredibly thoughtful. She's incredibly thoughtful. And actually, I'd never say that to her face, but she really puts effort into her friendships in a beautiful way. Yeah.

But still, we must lie to her. Yes. Okay. Everyone clear? M. What did I do? Thank you, M. Congratulations.

I thank you so much. It's so nice. That's why I get. extra flap jacks. Because do you pass? Yeah. Great. Great. Perfect.

I'm so pleased. We honestly, we're this lie is going to happen. Okay. Yeah, okay. Okay, great. Keep it up. What if Helen asked for a lift to a gig?

Oh, I would never have her in my car regardless. Oh, it's not. Perfect. Yeah. This is foolproof. No, I love her so much, but no. No.

Every time she comes to my house, she saves up a big poo. When we were doing gigless, did she save up a big poo every week? Pretty much. Wow. Yeah. She didn't even say a prayer and light a candle. to send her back in there and light a candle i mean like go back in and put and finger the reeds

finger the reed sorry what you know the like you know the way when you have a diffuser and you have oh right okay yeah like the candle light the candle yeah that makes more sense yeah but a little bit we had when she always shot so no i she won't be enough that i think she'd shit in my car but that's that's the risk is it i mean i guess it's not a risk until i actually pass my driving test and then we'll find out but yeah uh real shame because i've actually entered three competitions to win a car so I think one of those are going to come off pretty soon. So then I'm going to have to be able to drive. Yeah, feeling pretty lucky about those.

What kind of cars? Pretty much exclusively voxels. That's all that anybody wants to give away for free. Oh, right. You understand, of course. Yeah. I'd take a free boxol off over no car, for sure. I had to one of those million pound house drawers once.

Oh, my God, me too. I was so genuinely sure I was going to win. Me too. I took the virtual tour so many times during lockdown. I was ready to move to follow me. It wasn't the postcard I was wanting, but I was ready. I was prepared.

It was a three million pound house. Yes, I'd look to, I cannot tell you how much I can't even still look directly at the photo of the winner. I fully committed to that version of my life in such a way. There was a wine fridge. Oh, I'm not ready to talk about it.

I'm sorry for bringing that out. Yeah, no, it's actually pretty cruel of you. Yeah, should we move on and introduce our guest and forget our past failures? I guess, sorry, I shouldn't say. What? Yeah. Excuse me what?

I thought, how many times did you take it? before you passed? I did take two, yeah. Okay, just the two? The two, yeah. Okay, I really want to pass on the second time. God, I hope I do. I believe in you.

Thank you so much. My... Not a major fault, really. I mean, it is a major fault. No, it's a major fault. You can't be able to the wrong way on round of it. If somebody who had passed their test done that, nobody would care or ban eyelid.

Oh, yeah, but like, that's the entire process of learning to drive is watching everyone else break the rules of the road while you go 20 miles an hour and people beep you because you're going 20 miles an hour in a 20 miles. Like, that's the entire fucking thing, isn't it? as being like, oh, so we can just, oh, fine, cool, cool, good to know.

Sidebar, before we bring on our guest, is she doing an Edinburgh show? She is indeed. Oh good, I'm so glad. I'm really excited to see her. I think she's an amazing stand-up. Okay, are we ready? Yeah. I wonder if she can drive, like me, a driver.

We'll have to ask. I guess, as a fellow driver, I could ask her. Please welcome, potential driver, but definitely not a definite driver like me. It's Rachel Fairburn. Please welcome to trusty hogs Rachel Fairburn. Hello. Hi, how are you?

Thank you for having me. I've got my earphones on. Is that all right? Absolutely. You look like you're hosting a morning breakfast show, like a radio. I love it. I love to have the earphones on. Really?

Yeah, I like the sound. The idea of listening to my own voice is too traumatic. Well, it all sounds better in these to me. I'm like, oh, I sound like a creamy. That makes sense. That does sound. Ooh, I don't sound so severe in these. I sound creamy.

Creamy. I think I sound more like a sharp bitter lemon. Like, oh god, no, on. Tangy. Yeah, it's just like, need something to smooth it out. It's a bit much. It's a bit much. How are you?

I'm all right. I'm just sipping at an iced coffee, which I'm not sure I like or not. Okay. We are, this is being, this is film, so I will address this. This looks disgusting. I have I got a sprained wrist.

Oh, no. How? What happened? Well. By the way, can I, can we guess? Yeah, guess. Okay, because you feel to me like the kind of person who might have a bingo injury?

Bingo injury. Yeah. But I can't tell if that's just your accent. It's definitely like that. Oh, well, I tell you, she's got a bingo injury. Bloody, yeah. How would you injure yourself at bingo? Are you kidding?

Out my way, I've got it first. Bingo! Then running? Oh, running. If I'm not falling in Bainan bargains, I'm getting injuries like bloody bingo. Well, it's terrible it is. Do you have a guess?

I was just going to go for a very boring fool. Oh, she's had a fall. That's so much worse. I was like, you're Northern. You're like she's old. Sorry, fell over then. Just fell over. Not had a fool, just fell over.

We'd like to welcome elderly northern comedian. I, well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd had a drink. Okay. Okay. Which is, you know, happens. We like a drink, don't we? Sometimes we have a drink.

And it was almost a day, you know when you suddenly get drunker than you've ever been? And it's like a Tuesday afternoon and you're like, why? Day drinking is dangerous. So I'd gone to stay with my boyfriend's parents, and because it was a nice day, sort of in the afternoon, my boyfriend went, should we just nipped to the pub? And I was like, oh, I've not really eaten yet, but yeah, let's go. And I had a drink. And then before I knew it, the next thing...

Were the parents with you? His dad was with us. Oh, my God. Lovely, lovely man. Good, good. Love him to pieces. He wasn't drinking, though. Oh, my God.

Then he should have been taking care of you. Well, he'd disappeared by this point. He'd gone into the house at this point. We'd gone back to the house. I think he'd decided. well I'll leave them to it well that's not appropriate for me part of it. Yeah and I was sat in the garden

and I said to my boyfriend yeah I bet I can wrestle you. No no no no no that's your go-to daytime drinking you're like okay I think I've had enough I think I've wrestled you there's not even a positive outcome there so I can

wrestle you actively I won't win but I can wrestle I can do it but I won't win I mean I'm a small woman and he's about he's a six foot bloke and he was like well I think we've had enough drinks for the day. Yeah. And I said, come on. And then this is not, his mum would come back by this point.

I was just trying to enjoy. If you're not watching the video, we just saw like bear hands for Rachel. Like, come on. But at this point, his mum would come back and she was trying to enjoy the sunshine in the garden. And she was like. Without like, WWF happening. Isn't that the World Life Foundation? Oh, it's wrestling as well.

Is it? Yeah. It might be WWE now, but it was WWF. Oh. World Wrestling Federation, right? But it would be great if WWF was like, you had to wrestle animals. Yeah, they live or you do. Sorry, back to you on your wrestling.

So his mom came out, is she a nice, polite lady? She's lovely, lovely. And she was just sort of going, all right, you two, that's enough. He wasn't. Like you two five-year-old boys? He wasn't getting involved in this, may I stress. Yeah. So I went, right, come on.

And then I sort of kicked my leg in the air. I don't know why. because that's kickboxing, not wrestling. And as I did that, I lost my balance. Very mind, he's nowhere near me at this point. He's going to, I'm going over there and sat down there. And as I did that, the next thing I realized, I was in a flower bed and my arm was back.

So then I was like, phone and ambulance. No, you're doing. Yeah. They were like, if you can feel pain when you're drunk, that's a bad time. When you're that drunk and you can feel pain, that's not good. It hurt. So then I was like, well, it's bad.

bedside went to bed woke up the morning and it felt like I had a false arm if this makes sense like it was all big and fat and swollen but it didn't feel like my hand or my arm oh my gosh it was like oh this is weird

but to keep my pride and I had a gig in Nottingham as well I was like two bad things in one day I know horrendous I was pretending that I was fine I said yeah there's nothing wrong with it it's fine oh my God and I sort of I've self-treated it It's still a bit bruised now

Oh my goodness, yeah I know, but it's getting better It's still quite bad I might have done some I might have done some of damage but I don't want to go to the Edinburgh Fringe and have to have a cast or something on it No, but you have gone to a doctor or a hospital

right? No, I was gigging with... Oh my God! You're so northern No, I just went to Nottingham instead I'll be all right I'll just use me other hand for bingo But I went I was on with you, have you met Kwameasante?

Yes, a great comic, comic and a doctor and a doctor so he she's smart she's smart to be fair she's smart was quamie who diagnosed helen stye oh yeah was it yeah he's taking all of us all of the comedians well he was on before me and so i got to the venue illet and i was watching his preview brilliant i mean if you go to edinburgh or you can see it wherever he's so funny it's such a funny guy lovely man so i thought i'm going to ask him because he was talking about treating people with fractures and stuff like that and i said well this is the guy for me you know he's good out just get it checked out,

but he was in such a rush to go home and he was like, he's like, oh, I'm ever so sorry. I'd really like to stay and watch, but I'm getting married on Saturday. And I was like, I have to let it. I can't be like, yeah, that's nice, but can you have a look at this please?

Wait, so what you're saying is you saw a doctor. You just didn't, you were, you were in the company of a doctor that didn't actually ask the doctor. But my politeness was like, oh well, Kwamey obviously wants to go home. He's busy. He's got a wedding coming up.

You've just brought up Kwame to tell us. He's probably got a good show Edinburgh. Yeah. Oh my God, Rachel, go to a doctor. I didn't want to bother it. It'll be fine. It'll be all right. It's just, it's more sore at night. Anyway, we don't want to talk about me all the time. Do you know? What? That's literally the point of having you here, but I also genuinely feel like we need to get a doctor. Also, of all of the guesses that I had, even like my second and third were not wrestling. No. What were the flowers? What was in the flower bed? Lovely flowers. They've got a lovely garden.

Oh, my. I mean, I couldn't, I mean, I'm no, is it horticulture? I'm no horticulturist. I can't even say it. But, but, uh, there. But, beautiful flower beds. Oh, I'm so glad. Have you ruined any of them? Oh, just in that one. Just that one section. Okay, great.

Did they feel bad? British people often feel bad for things that aren't their fault. Did I, like, did they feel bad that you'd injured yourself in their garden? Oh, yeah, his mom was like, you must go to the doctors. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You lied to your boyfriend's mother? Yeah, only because.

I say, like, I haven't done that literally every time I've ever met a partner's parents. It's like, I am a lie. I exist. the lie. Hello, I'm a lovely person. Hello, I'm delighted to be here. No, she was very good, but I tell you what I got, I got some,

I was in Leeds on Saturday and it was very, very painful this, but I got some gel that you put on it. Iberophrophan. Oh, it's heaven. Isn't it nice? I think I might be addicted. Isn't it nice? Iberfine gel. Oh, yes. You just put it right in your skin, get in there, get in there. I mean, it does make your skin

quite dry, but pop it on. It's really lovely. Do you have a whole bath of it? it um it would have they're the they only come in like tubes we just get lots of tubes oh can you match it yeah i think it takes them time i'm not sure that numbs you yeah i'm not gonna be a yeah i don't think that's i think it'll be quicker to drink gin yeah does that make sense but then of course you have the same problem over so i guess we are where we are what were you drinking well again you see i'm not i'm not much of a day drinker and because because we're all so busy at the minute we're comedy in edinburgh yeah yeah yeah

I am very focused person, but I am easily led. So if somebody says to me, do you want to go to the pub? I'm like, yeah. I cannot. I can't say, but as I say, it was quite early in the afternoon. Because it's in the countryside where they live in Lincolnshire, it's beautiful. The lovely country pubs, so his dad drove us to his pub and then, see, this is the problem, right?

Yeah, I haven't answered your question, I'm making excuses. His dad, who I love to bits and they get on with very well, he doesn't drink now. Yeah. He's very much an enabler though So we'll go, have a drink Would you like a glass of wine? Why didn't you have a pint, Rachel?

Yeah. We've got some wine in the fridge. Would you like some wine? I'm like, no, please, I don't want to drink. Yes, okay, I'll drink. I think by about half past three Added about four pints. Oh, pints are not the one in the heat.

No, no, no. I know, it's tricky, isn't this? I love a cider and they absolutely wipe me. They wipe me. What do you drink? Guinness, normally. Not in the hot weather. Yeah, yeah.

Not in the hot weather. Cold Guinness in the hot weather. Do you know? It's like a meal. I honestly thought you would have gone for something lighter. Yeah? It's the earring. It's the earring.

It's the earring. But just your general demeanors as well, I imagine you'd be, oh, I'd be like, what's you know off from the bar? I think you'd have maybe a spritzer. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, I can see you having a spritzer. Yeah.

And also, what's that, apparel sprits? Oh, I love an apparel sprit. Do you like it? I love it. I don't like it. But maybe it's because the one time I've had it, and this is going to sound really northern. Now, I live in Walthamstow and I'm a member of my local, what they called, social club, Orford House. It's very good. Amazing. I'm sorry, and I was

crazy for saying bingo. Well, exactly. Okay. And they, and they had, sort of, what they do is they do all sort of different events and stuff, but I really only joined to watch the football last year, but it's still very good. Fair enough. It's a good place. And I went in and I said, oh, can have one of these apparel spritz things? Is that how you say it? Because it was on the menu. They'd put it on the menu. But I think they'd put it on as like, well, no one's going to order that.

I think somebody who went to be on a bad pro, we went, oh, we've got to change this up if it, we'll put this on. And I ordered it, and it arrived. In my memory, it came in a mug, but it did. No. A mug of aproposite. Okay, so you're not sure that they'd made one before? No.

And then I was like, this looks nice. And as I took a sip, I went. Oh, God. It tasted like nail varnish removal smell. so I don't think it was... Oh no, that sounds right. Yeah, no, I think that's right, yeah. They nailed it.

Yeah, no, that sounds gorgeous. Literally. Yeah. Why are you drinking this? I'm not. You've just guessed I have spritses. Why do I assume that you would enjoy this? Yeah, very odd.

I don't know, I have quite a floaty demeanour, I think. You do. Especially with my cardigans. Yeah, you see, Andrew exclusively shops in charity shops and buys the clothes of dead old women. And so you assume he would drink like sherry and spritzers and. I do like a good sherry, actually. Yeah, there it's nice. There it is.

It's good. I can see that. There's a thing called Montia Morales, which is like a sherry-like, but it's not from sherry, so they can't call it sherry. Have that over a vanilla ice cream. Gorgeous.

No, thank you. No, thank you. Rachel's like, I'm like, no, thank you. I might do. I mean, I'm just getting used to this iced coffee. Is it black coffee? Is it just black coffee? That's too intense.

No, you need some sort of sweetener in that. No, no sugar? No sugar. No sugar in any. I'm a bit weird about sugar. I'm a bit weird about sugar. I don't like sugary sugary things

Okay You are I have a question for you An avid podcaster You have an amazing podcast All Kill and Ophila Thank you very much I have a question

And you might be sick to death Of this question But why do you think People are so obsessed With true crime Like what in particular This thing Always fascinates me

Is like I have a theory on this But Why do you think women Love to listen To our own murderings Because, well, so this is a good question, and I do get asked this a lot, and I think the reason for this is, right, so it's weird because true crime is not like a new phenomenon.

Yeah, like it's, I mean, for hundreds of years, people have been obsessed with true crime. So if you think back to, you know, there was public executions and stuff. Yeah. People obsessed with the crimes and you've got the hangings and all that kind of stuff. And, you know, in the Victorian days, people would read the illustrated police news and obsessed with Jack the Ripper and things like that. And it's just, and also women have always been, I remember hearing this fact around as about 14, that women are the biggest consumers of true crime books.

But it's just changed, hasn't it? So it's like now we've got podcasts and stuff like that. Yeah. I think the reason we're obsessed with it is because 99% of the time we're the ones being murdered. Yep. And I think, and it's not just listening to it from a point of view of, it's never from the gruesome point.

of you I think it's from the point of view of like I can't believe that person did that or I can't I can't believe someone could do that or in a way it's a bit like looking for a warning sign or seeing if you can identify somebody who would do that if that makes sense that's interesting that you think it's about incredulity because I feel like there's it's I when I talk to people who are into it it always feels like it comes with a presumption of inevitability so it's like it's less about like but it leads to the same conclusion right of this like warning thing of like how do we

it's like people think they can prevent it happening to them by listening to it which is odd but also I just I feel like I wonder if we if like if it two things if it numbs us

because I actually think women are interested in because of like an innate empathy yes that's the other thing yes but then I also wonder if it has a numbing effect to like the kind of horrific facts that you hear on it? I think so. So I, um, I obviously I still listen to a lot of true crime. And but also there's been a, I've seen a few tweets recently,

it's been a bit of a backlash kind of thing going, oh, here's two, uh, two middle-aged white women with a, with a true crime podcast. Yeah. It's like, okay, well, first of all, that's quite offensive because anyone can do a podcast about what they want. And people, I've got problems with, I find the true crime podcast. that I find distasteful are usually men talking about crime.

Interesting. And it's like, because there's several I've had to turn off like, all right, lads, you're not funner, do you know what I mean? You're laughing at the wrong things. So what was my point? Oh yeah. So this was it. I, so when I'm listening to things, I often,

and what we do on or kill and O'Kill and Filler is we tend to talk about more about the victims as well and talk about their lives. Which is why I think, but that shouldn't be a distinct factor, but it is a distinct factor. Exactly. So you, I think, You have to, you know, it's very important to build a picture if you can. Because a lot of times with victims, sometimes there's no information.

It's just like, oh, this woman works as a sex worker. She was the eighth victim. And you have to try and find out as much you can about these women to, you know, give people a picture of the fact that this was an actual person, you know. And I just, I do feel there's a lot of, the thing that gives me the creeps is when podcasts just talk about the killer. Yeah. And it's in a way that is.

I don't know how it just feels distasteful and I don't know but you get you know what you know when you're listening to something that you go mm I don't like this yeah this is making me feel weird anything that sort of venerates their intelligence or fetishizes their violin like the whole head Bundy thing well exactly right the perfect example of like I don't care if he was aesthetically pleasing like I can't stress that enough to you like it's insane but this is the thing the thing with Ted Bundy is he wasn't actually that good looking but he wasn't

he was like a seven right he just was not as ugly as most other murderers like and also he wasn't as monstrous as we want to believe them do you think there's a lower standard for murderer that's why he murdered to make himself more attractive

is that I'm like I'm a non-murdering seven but a murdering 10 Also, this is the thing, I always think about, so Ted Bundy has popped into my head several times over the past weeks since I've had this on my arm, you know, because he used to pretend to have injuries to get people to help him to his car. So he'd have crutches and he'd have bandages on his arm

and he'd approach people and go, approach women and say, oh, can you help me put this back in my car? And because, you know, women are fundamentally good people. Yeah. They would go and help him. But yeah, that's who I keep thinking of Ted Bundy. This is, you know, listening to those kind of stuff. But I do think it's weird when sort of, I watched

a Zach Efron film about Ted Bundy and I thought it was massively inappropriate. Yeah. I haven't seen it but the ad even was like it's really horrible like it I just didn't understand what the point of it was and I think I also I think I struggle

with it only in the sense and I don't like I love your podcast and I also I'm listening to I'm listening to teacher's pet and I think that is a really good example of honoring the victim yeah in such a specific way and and really analyzes the failures of the police.

But one thing I do think is like, it shocks me that we have such a ubiquity of true crime podcasts and very few slash, I don't know of any, that doesn't mean that they don't exist, but analysis of the gender constructions that have led to that violence. It feels like we're sort of like, well, we can't fix the patriarchy,

so get some popcorn ladies, because this is going to happen, so we might as well make it fun. And you're like, what? Yeah, I don't know. See, the thing as well is, I think people think that, all right, I think men, for example,

think women are listening to true crime podcasts because we enjoy it. It's not, it's weird, it's not like... It's not gossip. Yeah, and it's, when you discuss it with people, it's always like, have you heard this? I can't believe that that happened.

Can you believe that somebody would do that? What the hell is that guy doing? Blah, blah, blah. And often, obviously, when women serial kill, it's usually with a man. It's very, very rare to get, a woman who is like, do you know what I'm going to do, be a serial killer. Yeah, they just don't have the get up and go.

We just, we are so lazy. It's a real issue. We are so lazy. And I think, I don't know, I just feel it's quite a weird thing. So when I listen to true crime now, so I was listening to something, and it still affects me, it still bothers me. Like, I still turn things off quite a lot and I go, oh, I can't be, I can't be doing this. So I was listening to a podcast either day about, oh, it's, it's, honestly,

Honestly, it's one of the worst things I've ever listened to to the point of it takes a lot to make me go, like, feel physically sick. And it was about sort of in the early 80s, I think it was about, in 1980s, it was a guy. It was a McDonald's and he just went into McDonald's and started. And it's honestly one of the most horrific things I have ever listened to to the point of I had to turn it off like 10 minutes in. And I was like, this is making me feel physically sick. And then I was like, oh, I'll carry on, I'll listen to the rest. Well, I've got to see it through whatever now. Yeah.

And at the end of it, I was like, I feel really depressed. It really brought me down. Yeah. Because I was just like, that happened in 1980 and it's still happening. Like, nothing's changing. Yeah. You know, these things are still occurring. I do think that's the thing.

If you listen to a lot of true crime, you have to like cleanse your brain a little bit, which is to say that like, it's really easy to listen to those stories and not realize that they are making, they make me terrified to go out in the world. Yes. And that's not a way to live either. You can be factually aware of the world you live in and also still need to function within it.

Yes, yes, yes. One thing I do like that you guys do is that I think the thing that makes me turn off true crime podcasts, if I'm honest, is like this horrific story of the death of a young vulnerable woman. Would you like to buy this mattress? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That book kills me.

Or like, we've been trying this hair product. And I'm like, no, you can't make money off the death. You can make money off your podcast but like you can't jump from one to the other like that's just normal. Use code RIP 10. 10% off. And I'm like, what are you talking about? It's so jarring.

And this is, so we don't have adverts. I know and that's what I love. So then sometimes I think if, I mean we probably never have adverts highly unlikely would have an adverts. Do you have Patreon? We have a Patreon. That's it.

That's the way to. But we don't do any extra of Patreon. So it's like if you want to donate, you can donate whatever. It just, you know, a couple of the costs and everything. But with adverts, and I totally agree with you. So sometimes, when you listen to something, it's like,

and she became the fifth victim, hey, have you heard about AG home security? Yeah, oh, that's what it is. It's the cynicism with which they put things like the security things on there. So when you're worried and you're like, oh, go, go, go, go. So I think as well, like, with adverts, I think if you are doing a true crime podcast, you should have some sort of social responsibility

because I think about what you're talking about. If you do have adverts, I do think you should donate a person. percentage of that income to a charity that has something to do with, you know, what what you're talking about and it's it's bizarre because I mean it's a huge podcast my favourite murder sort of they I never listened to it and they I think what's happened with them from what I can ascertain is I think they went a bit like give us your money and they started bringing out merchandise and this I mean don't get wrong we've got merch but yeah you know

It's not like knives with blood on them or anything. It's pictures of me and Kiri and, you know, whatever. In jokes from the podcast and a mug, you know, that kind of thing. But I think what happened with them is that they started to bring out loads of merch and they started to, you know, the tone of the podcast started to sort of, they were getting like victims names wrong and saying inappropriate jokes, which is why I think that a lot of people sort of were like, I feel quite uncomfortable about this whole thing now and sort of.

I haven't listened to it. So I don't know. I did try to listen to an episode and I felt gossipy. Yeah. But I'm also very reticent to use that word about two women on a podcast because it feels gendered, right?

Exactly. So it's like, I know, like that's how people... What is she like? I'm Northern and like bingo. Women gossip. I'm nowhere else. I am a trash bag. But yeah, so I am.

Should we start on the Irish? Should we do that? Oh yeah. Well, while Helen's not here, I can go in about the famine and stuff. What is it? I don't know. She does it every time.

Every time. I do know. And then also we got free Fafjacks and she's like, donate them till I get there and I'll dole them out. And I'm like, well, we do this. You know what? That was really good. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh no. I genuinely have a very good telling. Like, I'm very good at it. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. Is your Kiri any good?

I can't do it, no? Oh, interesting. It's funny you should say this though, because I, loads of people always do my accent. You might get this as well. Yeah. Do your accent back at you.

You're like, okay. But I've never seen. or I've never heard anyone do a good impression of me about from my. My boyfriend the other day did a really insulting impression of me. It's probably the best impression. Nice.

I've ever heard. So we were just chatting in the car and he said that, I said, you know, he'll go, um, he said,

I like, what's happening? Yeah, you're walking. You're walking. You're walking. And I was like, and I was like,

that's really funny. That made you sound like a Gallagher cross with a goblin. That's not really, to be honest, that he's pretty much. That's not. That's, can I pop that on my post?

You write reviews. That's great. Please tell us what is your show about at the fringe? Well, it's called Can I Be Awful? Yes. And so basically when I, I'm going to slag someone off on WhatsApp. Sure. So it's about boundaries really. What I do is I send my friends the phrase, can I be awful?

Oh, so you think that's like a way of respecting their boundary? Yeah. What a great way to make bitching sound like about consent and respectful. There you go. Love that. Love that. Because what annoys me is, Nobody, I always feel like nobody respects my boundaries.

And I've got this whole thing about, I'm sure it's because I'm a working class woman. I'm sure that's why no one respects my boundaries that people will just say things to me. Oh, you know, do my, do an accent back to my face or, you know, assume I got a bingo. You know all that kind of stuff. That's based entirely on your personality to be gleamed out.

So it's like that kind of stuff. But it's, I mean, to be honest, it's almost, fin. It times running out, but it should be fine. Yeah? And when you say, So when you say, can I be awful, you're checking in if the other person has the space for that? Yeah, so I say, can I be awful?

I love that. And sometimes, my friends will say, yes, or always, or it's a bit early. Not. And now, I'll try it later on. That's amazing. Like, you formatted it. Oh, I was going to say, you formatted it like an 80s game show, like, a catchphrase. Like, can I be awful?

See what the audience say. Hey, guys, can I be awful? It's a bit early. But I want to know. Is it a bit early in the day or is it a bit early in your length of time knowing the person you're about to be awful about? So this is the thing in the day.

You don't have enough information. Listen, I'm an early riser. So I get up. I mean, regardless of what time we've gone to bed or if I've had a big night out or whatever, I will be up at seven. What? Yeah.

What? Wow. I'll be up. Why? And ready to bitch. Why? Because I don't know. I'm just like that.

I'll get up at seven and I'll do some stuff. And then I might. I'm a bit like, you know, you know, in the medieval times when they had different sleep patterns. So they'd go to bed at like seven and then they'd get up at two in the morning and pot her about for a bit

and then they'd go back to bed. I'm a bit like that way around so I'll get up at seven, do bits and bobs and I might nod off for another half hour. But I'm up for the day then. I'm up and about. Fascinating.

It's like my grandmother. Oh yeah. That's disgusted me more than any true crime fact I've ever heard. That's really, wow. That should have a trigger warning. That's interesting because I was more or less brought up by my grandparents

and they, so I think this is probably they were... That's some old people shit. Yeah, this is like this is what they used to do. They'd be up at like half past five in the morning doing stuff. Do you start your day with a cigarette?

I don't smoke anymore really. Oh, okay. I used to though. Yeah. But I'm on and off smoking now. Good for you. Makes me feel a bit sick now. Good for you.

Nice. We love to hear it. You don't smoke, do you? Not. No. And you're not smoking. No. I'm scared my mother will listen to this.

I used to. I don't anymore. That's good. I don't anymore. That's very good. Yeah. Now also makes me feel sick. Do you know, with me, it's, it's, if I get incredibly, if someone really pisses me off,

that's when I get a craving. Right. Yeah, I agree. Because it, in a way, slows down your breathing. I mean, obviously, long term also, but don't you find it? Like, it makes you, like, it's sort of mindful. It sort of, yeah, it's that thing of like, I remember I'd quit smoking. When I used to work at a library, I used to work at a library. I used to work at a library.

And I'd quit smoking. Sorry, you used to work at a library. I did, used to work in a library. And I had stopped smoking for about three years. Yeah. And one day she really was an asshole with me. How could you be an asshole when you were on a library? Like if you can't even raise your voice, how'd you be mean?

Well, we had offices, didn't we? Oh, of course. So I remember the argument, I can't remember what it was about, but she was very rude to me. And I remember, the only thing I remember saying to her was, oh yeah, what's this in here? Downton Abbey. Because I felt she was.

What? I thought she was like throwing her, like she was sort of thinking she was above me and I felt like, oh what am I, Mrs, you know, below stairs, what's this, down Sten Abbey? And I remember, I remember storming out. And it was a rare book, it was a rare books library as well. And it was in the big, beautiful old Gothic building. So to storm out, though, you had to storm out, you had to storm out. But then, because her office was up on this turret, you had to.

Oh, so it was upstairs downstairs. Yeah, she was very much upstairs downstairs. Spiral staircase. But I had to storm down a spiral staircase, which is really asking. Be pissed off, like going, oh, my God, that's so funny. And then stormed through this beautiful old building.

Anyway, it pissed me off that much that after not smoking for three years and never wanting to smoke again, I went to the shopping box, went in Marlborough lights and just stood outside. Yeah. Smoking them. You showed her.

I said what, I showed her. You actually damaged your own health, actually. Oh, man, that's really funny. Oh my goodness. Well, listen, I think in Edinburgh, people will willfully have sort out comedy as their holiday. What legends? Mm-hmm. They'll want to see comedy. They'll want to have a good time, legends. Yeah. I think your show's going to be amazing. Where can people see it? So, The Hive at Monkey Barrel, 1740, every day. 36, gorgeous time. No day off. No day off. No day off.

Rachel. Listen, if you, listen, I'm putting a working in a working class man. Really making the rest of us feel bad. Are you for a bingo break? The show is cancelled due to a bingo injury. I just sort of see the point. I always lose momentum. And like, you've got obsessive-compulsive disorder. Yes.

I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I didn't realize. Yeah. So I, once, again, it's like once I get into a routine as well, when I'm in Edinburgh, that is where my OCD really comes into its own. Oh, yes. So I'll have, you know, I'll eat the same thing. thing for breakfast. I like the same thing before my show.

If I don't have a protein bar or a cereal bar at the exact number of minutes before my show like I did the first time it went well. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, Emma's teching me, FYI. That'll be the death. Yeah, that's just FYI. There you go. Do everything the same place. But the thing is, I know if I have a day off,

that will ruin my... Interesting. But I have the same, like, maybe like you will have, up until the show time, I'll do exactly the same thing. And then after the show is a time where it's like I can relax a bit more. same that's why I'm so excited it's my earliest show ever at 320 and I'm like you mean I can I can stop with the rules and the rigidity at five yeah yeah yeah so previous years my show was at 20 to 10 oh my that's a long day to be donor and that was

and I could never relax I couldn't do anything I was going to the gym really early I was going to the gym at this class about 8 in the morning all the time you get up at 7 you yeah exactly and then by the time I'd finish a show by the time you know sort of different out got changed and everything. It's 11 at night. You're good to meet your friends and they're all hammered and you're like, oh, I'm going, I'm just going to bed. Yeah, because otherwise you'll end up wrestling someone. It's just not, right?

Please, go watch Rachel. She's going to be amazing. Tell me, where can they find you on on the internet? Oh, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, just the, well, he's going on Facebook now. Nobody. Nobody. My dad, my dad's recently joined it. Facebook is over. Let him. You know,

20 years after it's been, he's just joined. He's just joined, yeah. Well, he must think it's so. problematic. Well, it's very sweet because all he does is, he just, I'll post something and he just shares it to his own. Oh, I know it's really sweet. It's really sweet. It's really sweet.

Well, thank you so much for doing. And where can people listen to your podcast? Oh, it's on all the podcast places in it. Just Google it. Or kill and O'Filler. Wherever you listen to your podcast, it'll be there. Amazing. I listen to mine on Spotify. Oh, you listen to your own? Oh, God. I never look at it. No, okay. I was like, bloody hell.

No. Thank you so much for doing it. Yeah, thank you. Our latest talk, everybody. Rachel Fairburn. Woo! Yay! Andrew, we got so excited talking to Rachel, we forgot to solve a problem. Yes, I know. She's so good.

She's so good. She's also just that thing that, like, I've said it to her face, so it's fine, but other elderly women do, where she, like, speaks in a town where you lean in? You're like, oh, my God. So, we have to... I was going to say, when I edit the TikToks of us, because it's in format, like, that format. Yeah. I've got to cut to you

are you always looking at the guest and it's like I think it's very engaging and I'm like oh come on guys project outwards but then I'm sat here with Rachel and I'm like yeah

oh I'm sorry no don't apologize really shady way to tell me that for the first time and you wow you could have mentioned it before but it could need to make difference because our TikTok views

are through the roof oh my god we love to hear it we love to actually that's even more insulting it's like no actually people prefer you from mine fuck you all right let's do this problem

This is from C. Hi, C. To start, I just want to say I love the podcast. I think you're very funny and definitely don't talk to you fast. And I've even managed to get tickets to see Helen at the Fringusia. Cute. There are also tickets available for Andrew and I. We're both performing too.

Yes, we are available for ticket purchasing. Basically, I've been living with my flatmate for a few years now. We met at uni and we have been really close ever since. This summer, we're both graduating and planning to stay in the same city. I've managed to get a grad job, but she's still looking for something. and isn't having much luck. Today her mom told her that if she doesn't find a job, then her mom will stop helping her out with money,

meaning that she won't be able to afford rent for a flat. She's struggling to find something and has said she might have to move home for a bit while she looks. I really want to live with her, but also I'm keen to find a new flat so that I'm settled in time of my new job, and just so I have one less thing to stress about. I've also done 90% of the flat search so far.

I don't want to start looking for other options, but also don't want to be stuck looking for something last. minute. Right now my plan of action is just wait and see what happens but I also can't help but think she won't find something and I'll be left stranded. Any advice from C? Oh goodness. You know what? A lot of my friends are at that sort of age and indeed myself I'm looking at London. I think that's quite a common issue. I think so too. Coordinating people like that. I think it's really tricky and I actually think you're coming from a really lovely place which is like best case and I think I think you need to just express what you've said to your friend

because actually what you're saying is lovely. It's, I want first choice, you. You're my pick. I also hope you find a job that you want and love. I also have empathy for you and your situation. But I think what would be useful is decide for yourself before you speak to your friend what your reasonable deadline is

for finding a place without her. What time, which time will you need for that? And then tell her that you have to make, you have to know, if she doesn't know what she's doing by then you'll have to look for an alternative, because then she has warning and you've given

like as much reasonable time and space as you can but I think it it sadly sounds like you might have to make that decision soon yeah I definitely agree with with talking to her I think that's gonna I think she'll express

I feel like she's holding something back the friend that's not that's like oh I might have to move back in with my parents like I can move like that you should be really enthusiastic and like keen and yeah I don't know I feel like maybe if you not confront because it's not it's not

doesn't have to be that dramatic, but if you just say those things that Catherine said, I think you might find that she'll be like, I'm not ready. I'm going to move back home for a bit. Yeah, or actually like it's already very stressful trying to find a job. I feel like I'm failing. I have this messaging from my mom, which is totally well-intentioned, but probably is also making me feel like less of an adult. The stress of this on top of it's probably making her feel, in a way, you might actually be gifting her a bit of relief by saying, you know what? I have other options. It's quite pressurized to be like, this person needs to me to find a place to live on top of I also need to find a job on top of I'm disappointing my mom so actually I think open honest empathetic conversation would be the best course of action and also like

don't forget in that conversation to celebrate the how special it is to have found a roommate you want to continue living with after any period of time you must be really good friends living apart is not going to change that no for sure definitely and um you know maybe maybe it's a couple months down the line or a year down the line that they fall in love she's going to be your wife i don't know if you're a straighter gay but then you don't need to find a too bad you can just find the oh my god gorgeous i think especially if you're kind of i don't know i think we have similar predispositions just be like oh well your happiness is very important so i must prioritize your happiness yeah so if that if your housemate that you're moving in with has those thoughts then they don't want to abandon you so they

yeah they won't they won't articulate that actually it's very stressful so you should open that door for them. Yeah, and also, you probably are trying to take care of her happiness, but also, you know, you have to enter a new job feeling grounded and like you have a home that feels stable and it's a lot to do all at once. So it's okay. These things happen. Change is scary.

I know it's, but usually, usually it is good. I think if anything, it just means when you hang out, it's going to be much more celebratory and fun and of an event like. like and you'll you'll sound like a great housemaid and so does she you'll be chill with whoever you move in with no doubt and hey in a year's time which flies by you can just

live together then I cannot believe it's the fringe like it's very alarming you made this about the fringe that fast sorry I've been wow wow he's trying to do you know I mean like that's Craig no I know I appreciate tickets available now yeah no no it is crazy that you haven't got tickets for Andrew and I so you actually have a lot admin to do you need to find

a place you need to book tickets for my show for Andrew's show I say get that chat out the way, my friend. Because I'm house hunting at the moment with my current housemate. See, he doesn't want to live with you. No, I don't... That's not what's he said.

Okay. They want to live with the person they're living with. Well, okay. Well, if the option's there, me and Sam, it's very lovely, we're very tidy.

Sam makes lovely cakes. Ooh. Yeah, although he didn't, he didn't give me any of the last cake he made. Wow. He ate it all by himself. No, he made it for somebody else.

Oh, okay. That seems reasonable. Have a lovely day, see, and have your chat and don't feel bad about it. You're probably gifting you, both of you with some useful relief. Yeah. And if you're missing Helen's insight, move to Germany.

Oh, yeah. Move to Germany! There we go. I hope we solved a problem. They're good. Thank you.