Trusty Hogs - Ep44. Goats, Green Rooms & Iveagh Gardens

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Before we all head up to Edinburgh for the month, Catherine, Helen & Andrew all meet for an intimate pre-fringe episode discussing Irish history, parental threats, and goat ownership...*SEE US IN EDINBURGH*Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / AmyWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to trusty hogs. It's episode 44 where we're going to talk about our amazing fucking lives. We thrive, we move, we travel, we chill. And then we're going to listen to your lives, which are dog shit, to be honest. They're not great. Seriously. They're not great. All the emails we get for advice.

It's like, I'm in the terrible situation and it's like, okay, I've got a bit of sympathy for you, but I guess I'm thriving, so it's really hard for me to empathize. Can I just interrupt and say that a person emailed to be like, and understandably they had an issue with something that we, we said and then we're like we're they were surprised because they find this to be usually a non-judgmental podcast and i have never been more confused by an email because i was like we're a very judgmental podcast oh my god yeah this turn off now if you don't want to feel judged yeah yeah yeah we're like what can we do our lives are ideal you know what i'm saying it's like from this head is still

what can we do so odd um listen happy 44 welcome to trusty hog helen barb we don't have to say everything at the same time anymore let's begin The trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem

They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Let's begin

With some parish announcement Parish announcement Sponsored by Helen Bauer No, no Okay, you know what, whatever you need to be involved That's fine This if anyone who is new What's the rule about parish announcements?

I'm not allowed to talk Thank you Parrish announcement number one We've reached 500 patrons Woo! You can talk Helen Yes, thank you so much Honest to goodness

I can't tell you Like we When we started 100 was the goal 500 became this ambitious Post out in the sea We were like, we'll get there one day. Okay, Andrew and Catherine thought it was ambitious.

I was like, we'll be at 1,000 before, friend. Yeah, you were. Yeah, that was definitely the other side of this. I was like 500, not a thousand, not like we said. Yeah, I know. Well, maybe we'll get to a thousand by, that could be our Christmas wish. Thousand by Christmas. No, I've already made my Christmas wish.

We're such greedy girls. We're such greedy girls. I'm going to get a pet. Are you? Yeah. What kind? A goat. A ghost.

Because you remember like a couple of years ago, I wanted a goat called Jessica. Helen. Parish announcement, start of time. We'll come back to Jessica. Thank you. Andrew, why are you encouraging her? Sorry. Well, I didn't think it was going to be that bat shit. I'm sorry. Why didn't you think it would be that bad shit? Andrew, focus. Everybody, let's get back to parish announcements. Parish announcement number two.

We've been doing these for so long that I've forgotten what parish announcement number two is Andrew. Oh, it is a correction. Oh my God, it is. Parish announcement number two, we had a guest. We had Louisa Omalan on. She was fantastic. She was very funny. She did make one assertion that appears to have offended some gays in Birmingham. Here we go. Here we bloody go. She said, there's no good vets in Birmingham. In fact, I think what she said was

I haven't found a good vet in Birmingham. And she didn't we get in the emails, here they come, Tim and Dom, we know them from Giglis, we know them from lockdown, one of them... And our producers even. Oh, yes, thanks. And... Oh my God! No, it's fine, but if you're going to moan, do you know what side do you want?

I like how quickly you flip from, oh my God, we're so greedy, so I'm asking for 500 patrons. They're like, fuck our producers. Don't even pair. Just the moony ones. Yeah, one of them I can ever remember which one's which One of them I don't know what their job is Dom is a vet

But Dom looks like Tim right You've got to like move on They're both just bold men I can't No but I mean like the one who is Who looks like a dom The taller one is a vet Yes

Does that help? Is he the ginger one? Yes I said gingerbold You know what you look like Tim and Dom right You can like identify Is it the one who bakes and goes running Or is it the other one who likes

Kylie. It was Tim that messaged who likes Kylie, yes. I think they both like Kylie. Wait, in defense of his husband. Beyonce? Yeah. That's so much more petty. No, that's not. That's so sweet. My husband is going to be a vet actually

or he is a vet and he's good. Fuck off. You don't even got to work with him. Look, either way. Grow up, Tim, Tim, and old. We will be sending a link to you on Louise's Instagram, right? And we will let her know that as a vet there. Leave Louisa alone. Okay, so just no.

I just think if you're that good people will hear about you. Do you know what I mean? I've got a question. Are the parish announcements always this aggressive in the Catholic church?

Only when you get involved. Do you know what I mean? Like you weren't supposed to be speaking. I'm just saying people have heard of Kylie Minogue because she's good. If you're that good of vet, Tim or Dom,

she'll find out about you. But if you're in the early days, it might take a while to build a reputation. You just start with the neighbours, Andrew. Okay. Do you do it in there? Neighbors.

Kayley. Kylie. Kylie. Neighbys. It's good stuff, Helen. I wouldn't respond, but I'm not allowed to speak. Okay. Wow.

The parrot announcements have now ceased. Not that I ever get to give them. Fucking amazing. Okay, so this goat's going to be called Jessica. So what I have now is that little... Wait, it's like a Christmas goat that you give your mom where it's actually like for a village in somewhere else. Oh, no, no, no.

When you buy like so many chickens for like a village and then they sort of get to like prosper with a chicken. No, no, the goats for Helen. Okay, great. So because I wanted to go eight. years ago when I lived next door to those chickens in my last place. Do you have a garden for Jessica? I've got a patio space and I feel like Jessica. So what I've also got is a weed problem that grows up through the cracks, okay?

And I think Jessica would thrive in that environment. Also, I think I would enjoy having Jessica around. I think she would be a house goat as well, like come in and out. They just shit. So do I. So do I. So do I. So do I.

We've all had mistakes. Ellen. I need to shit so. badly the other day. But you know when you're like, I'll just do this phone call first. And then I was like running around. Get out of the bathroom.

Helen, that is not even the first story you've told on this podcast. I know. It's happened all the time. Where the problem with your shit was that you had a phone call instead of going. It's amazing. Do you remember you had that producer from the BBC on the phone with you?

I'm telling you this always happens because like all the phone calls that I get get put in for 10 a.m. right? So I get up. I have my coffee and I'm ready for big toilet, but the phone's already rung. Stop scheduling. chilling them then I know I need to move them to 11 a.m. Yeah and also and really make an effort to big toilet early.

And stop telling people these things. Stop telling, yes, stop telling them. There's my announcement. Maybe put in your Google calendar 10 a.m. Big toilet so your agent doesn't. That's nice actually. 10.15 is when you can take meetings. But then I think it's like anyone sees my diary. You know, when they're like, oh, can we find a date for this?

And you sort of show them your diary. Then it's just like therapy, big toilet. Like therapy, big toilet. Remember to shower. Have you washed your hair this week, question mark? It is like a mad woman. Because I'm old school mad. I'm like Bertha in Janeair.

Like I don't have that like modern madness to me. Like I will burn something one day. Don't you find though? Okay, is this only when you're feeling sad? Just I'm always feeling a bit sad. Oh yeah, me too. Lately I've been sad and I know that I'm sad because this morning I was getting in the bath and I was like, when is the last time you showered?

And I literally don't have the will at the minute to stand while I wash. And I was like, uh-oh, desperate. You come over to Helen, so you can go in her dog and I can hose you down. I know, I was like, uh-oh, that's bad. Hose you down like a common whore, okay? Maybe I'm just tired. Anyway. You're tired.

Why are you feeling sad? Oh, there's so many reasons, Helen. Is it just that, like, it's just like this month is just very, like, a lot of exciting things going on, but a lot of things that you have to, like, rise to the occasion of. Yeah, and a little bit of heartache and a little bit of, like, feeling divorced from my body. and all this weird stuff but I'm fine also you know that we I just did like a long weekend of work I went to Dublin and then Manchester and then stand and calling it was horrendous and I forgot to bring my medication which never happens to me you fucked up I know I don't fucked up

Catherine gone done fucked up he gone done fucked up so it would have been a stressful weekend anyway because it was such a lot of travel and dragging around a suitcase and just trying to get also got to spend a day with me oh my god we have actually such a lovely day. You know what's weird, Helen? I'm going to be earnest for a moment. I do feel safer. I like as in I get quite a lot of social anxiety which is fine because I'm not actually it's weird maybe because I'm not

socially anxious like when I'm in spaces I'm very outgoing. Yeah. But I will often cancel things out of social anxiety. Oh totally. And we need to totally go rid of that stigma that if someone is on and really chatty with people that they're not really struggling in themselves. Yeah. Yeah, good point. But anyway, I but I truly I realized today as I was getting ahead of the bath

I've never missed this for that reason I've never cancelled trusty hogs and it was same in Dublin I felt like I just feel safer when you're around Well then why were you so mean to me Oh because that's the third thing right And also Helen Were you behaving?

Helen I've seen the videos you were not behaving No I was Helen you came to my country I tried to introduce it to the culture My country Yes what would you rather I called it The British Isles.

Oh my God. Fuck you. This is my problem of being an island. Okay. If I said, oh, it's so beautiful here, they'd be like, well, you should know, you invaded it. It's yours, isn't it? It's all yours. But then if I referred to something as mine, they were like, it's ours.

I couldn't do anything right. Everyone was constantly yelling at me. I went to the Famer Memorial. I enjoyed it. Apparently that was wrong. I went, oh my God, you weren't here for this. I went to the National Wax Work Museum of Ireland. Which, by the way, is horrifying.

Catherine flew out before we could go. and she was like, I've got to go to this gig, and you know when you're like, you don't, but like, come with me. I went to the airport four hours early to not have to go to the wax museum. She's not around. In the, right, so the National Wax Museum of Ireland, holy shit. It's terrifying, right?

Holy fucking shit. I used to go there on school tours and there's this like... You shouldn't. You really shouldn't. No, I know. It's really petrifying. So there's this section you can, like, crawl into the wall and just sort of... I did it. Go through a tunnel, but I used to just stay in the tunnel and be like,

I don't want to go back out there, man. And you just like, find me in another kid And they're just, like, doing our homework, being like, if only we were going to be back in class. I will say this, for any adults who plan on going, the tunnel, I did it, but it is definitely built for seven-year-olds, because I was very tight on the corner. I know. Let's say that. Alison was like, I'm not even doing it. And I was already halfway through.

Well, it's too late now. But, yeah. And Catherine wasn't with you. So, Alison, if you got stuck, Alison, would have had to pull you out herself. There were, there were enough children around who would have been able to have the big lass who got stuck. But it is insane. But it is insane. But her up with babies.

So it's basically like, but it's like, it's really weird because like, you know, like, I've got a cousin does curation for like art galleries and museums. So I know that like a lot of thought goes into this and like how you lay things out. Also at Madame Tussauds, they sort of like have like, you know, modern day celebrities and then like, you know, like dictators. No, no, no, no, no. And stuff in different spaces. That's not. At fucking. That's not the spirit of the wax museum.

At the National Wax Museum of Ireland. Yeah. You can meet Jedward in the same room as James Joyce. Yeah. It's incredible. The theme is Irish treasures. What's your question? Oscar Wilde is next to Tina Turner.

Honestly, it is insane. I'm not even surprised. Insane. They really need to label it. Then they've got one room which is just Father Dougal, Father Ted and the Pope. Like, it's all the same thing. I like that. That doesn't take itself too seriously.

I like that. The best part is you can go. Because like we when we were going in, these two lads came out and the guy on the front desk was like, have you been to the basement? And they were like, no. He's like, you got to go to the basement. Oh, no, stop doing the accident.

You don't have to get it. So I was like, oh, great, there's a basement, right? And I thought, oh, it would be like scary horror. And that's like not my vibe. But I was thinking I could do it. It's a walk through history of Ireland. Yes, that is. Including waxworks of the famine.

Uh-huh. With my favorite one. Sorry. Wait, hang on. What do you mean? Like potatoes. No, no, no. They have waxworks of three starving people in the room.

That you press a button and the lights change and they go, I'm so hungry. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Wait for this. I'm going to show this to you. I was right. This was on your right as soon as you walk in.

I jumped. Oh, God. Oh my God. Just describe what you see. I will show it to the camera. It is a starved child in. bed with a starved adult who looks terrified? It is a child who is naked and emaciated.

Is that the right word? I'm dead lying in a bed. And then I took a selfie with a black and tan, soldier. You've got to stop. This is what I mean. That's me and Alison with a black and tan. It's the thumbs up, which is why you're the problem. I know a little thumbs up from me.

She was appalling. Outside River Dance dancing. Outside the famine museum, like trying to buy cakes with Alison Spittles. No, that's bullshit. It was a good 50 metres, like, steps from the famine memorial before I saw the cake. Also, at the end of the day, we should be eating because that's what they weren't doing. And that's why there's a memorial. It was a fucking shambles.

It was a shambles. Okay. So the memorial is a separate thing to the Wax Museum. The Wax Museum just had their own memorial. Also, let me be clear. Catherine was not bullied into this. She, you do like to make my dreams come true. You do.

You try and pretend you don't. No, Helen. You love seeing a happy little Helen. bouncing about. I took a momentary pause during the breakfast buffet, trying to get some gluten-free bread. Helen gets into a huff because I wasn't moving through it at pace while she was holding the table. Consequently, she was giving out to me over breakfast about how it hadn't been a speedy turn. But she had previously mentioned she wanted to go to the famine memorial because it's a poker stop. I said that was disrespectful. She was then huffing and I couldn't get her out of it. So I said, listen, there is a poker stop by which I mean a famine memorial. Memorial around the corner if we could just eat with some kindness then maybe I'll go we'll go there and that was the only way to turn the day around I ate with kindness you did then and then I got to go to the memorial I spun the Pokemon stop then we did a walk and there was loads of Irish art it was just like trees you said you liked it because the artists were there oh they were it's real they were just

sitting there you can't say anything I hate that oh that's another vista of a countryside and then Catherine was doing all this with all the artists like you can really tell us done a girl and it's like Can you? Can you? It's a field. It could be Milton Keynes. It wasn't any gold. It was Claire and they were bogs. So of course you could tell it was there. Listen, the point is the artists do sit outside St. Stephen's Green where there's a beautiful art fair. But they do sit right beside their art. So you have to be like, yes, lovely, very nice at every turn. Because you don't know who belongs to what. It's about, I imagine it's like being a teacher at a parent-teacher meeting. I'd imagine. I'd imagine. And my gigs went really well. The Irish comics all talked me out of opening with Yarl over the

famine yet we decided it wasn't the best start we do no although do you don't oh goodness no um i i won't say a name but you know somebody opened at the belfast um what is the big gig in belfast empire the empire um with and their opening line american they go look i know you guys have had your troubles and whatever opening line no no no absolutely not no no no no i got i was very confused on stage on the second night. So this is, we get to get to the first night. We did. This is like a really cool festival on Ireland. Catherine's done it before. It was my first time going.

So I'm there. I was calling it Ivy Lee. I got so confused. Ivy Gardens. It's fucking amazing. But obviously, like, I need to do like a really good impression on everyone, right? Because it's my first time going. So I want to get invited back. So my first night, I did a really nice, classy set. I did. I mean, the second, before you went on stage, you're introduced to the stage. stage manager and you didn't say hello

you said, you said what? No, you said what? You said, oh hello, I'm Helen and I'm four. I don't know why. I panicked. I was trying to make a good impression everyone at the festival and instead I went too far and fed the whole time acting to the stage manager like I was four but shout out to Julie because she was like, oh you're only a baby, are you? And totally went along with it the entire night

and she was my stage manager the next night and she's like here's baby Helen and I was like, I'm too little to be smoking. It was really bad It was hell There was an like an hour Where it was just me Helen and Julie So they were playing mother daughter I guess And I was just like

I was like I was like I hate you Yeah like a 60 year old I hate you I hate you I hate you She shouldn't yell at Helen

She's only little It was horrid She's only little Horrid But we had a lovely time And then we got to see Patty Harrison Do comedy That was fucking cool

Yeah Yeah she's great I met Patty Harrison and Mary Beth Barone. They're very nice. They're really nice. They are like nicer than they need to be given how beautiful they are. Joe and you're like you don't need to be this nice. You're

so hot. You're not that funny. I know. Oh, that's just obnoxious. How funny they are. Have you booked to see them at French yet? Yes, I have booked for Mary Beth and I've booked for Patty Harrison and Alok as well, who I think you'd love. Who's a loke? A loke is a non-binary poet comic. Yes, please. And they're just

the stuff they talk about on Instagram, they're just so profound and well articulated than I think you'd like that. Okay, we need to book some tickets because this, when you're listening to this watching it, we are already at Edinburgh Fringe. Oh my gosh, when you listen to this? This is the first Thursday of the free.

Say a prayer and light a candle for your stressed little piggy. We're at the end of the week the week before. So we're like Oh my God, guys, oh no, we won't have had a solid poo in a week. Are you kidding? The nerves. My shit's a liquid for the first week. Yes, the nerves of it all.

Oh yeah, no, I was checking. I thought you meant you didn't poo at all for a week. No, I said we won't have had a solid poo. Thank God. It's petrifying. All you do is sweat and get sick and be ill and you're so dehydrated and you're so nervous and so overworked but also also you're on a jolly I guess as well.

I've just made the most ridiculous decision for my show. Oh God. I don't know if I'm going to go for it. Oh God. I feel like if any other comments said that you'd both be like oh amazing. No, what is it? Okay. I have decided that the best thing I could do to end my show is to keep a hard-boiled egg

peeled in my bra for the hour and eat it at the end. I mean... Covering in cling film? No. I think it should have cling film. Then I've got to unwrap it

and we'll ruin the moment. Are you, do you get very sweaty because maybe you could have it unboiled and by the end of the show it'll be ready to go. Happens if I crack it. I have an issue. Hit me. No, I think it has to already be boiled.

I think that's a good shout. Thank you, Catherine. But I think the sweat and salt from your body will make it taste disgusting as well as things like deodorant and body lotion. Body lotion. I'm going to be lotioning. Right, yeah. And deodorant's up there, tits down here. I personally just think a little bit of cling film would really help you out.

Not for the environment. Okay, so get a resellable pouch. Or don't do it. No, no, I actually think it's quite funny because I do. That's actually the argument that a lot of people have been saying. I disagree. How about you don't eat a hard boiled egg at the end?

I actually think it's very funny and I think it's based on pancake. That's very funny. Right? That's some good stuff. It has to be right. It must be sealed. I think let's just say.

You'll stink, Helen. How about we do this? How about we just lie to our friends, which is the best thing to do? It will be sealed. No, I think it's... And carefully protected. You'll sting.

Don't wink it, Andrew. That wink was amazing. You'll stink. No. Helen, you'll be so smelly, smelly, smelly. But Helen already smells. Andrew already yelled at me today for smelling. He was like, oh, don't eat your pasta.

Because it'll make the shipping potato smell like pasta. So then what I did is I ate it downstairs and came and burped. Yeah, and it was actually insane because Andrew literally is forever eating those fucking lunch deals over there. So it's crazy that he was judgmental of Smelly Helen. Okay, I apologize. Okay, Katha Parish announcement, an official apology. Sorry.

Oh, I've also got something else for parish announcements. No, hang on. We're not retrospectively additionally. I had to add them on mid-episode. Will you miss this? Just have a conversation. She's only four. Helen, okay, okay, okay, stop.

Helen, stop it. Just say it. Just say what you want to say, Helen. Look at me. Say what you want to say. It doesn't have to be a parish announcement. No more crying. And I can stop with the tears.

Say it. Me and Sinil Patel spent three hours listening to Sunday. Sunday school hymns. That's not a parish announcement. That's a conversational topic. Why did you do that? I don't, I think I don't, I don't understand parish. Clearly.

And you also understand what is appropriate for people who are listening to this, probably on their way to work. And screaming, crying just isn't it. So I think you should actually parish announcement, we should have another formal apology. So many of my notes when I'm sat here producing and like, check levels at 2130 when Helen screams into Mike. What do you say to the people who are just trying to get to work

and have a nice day? Have a nice day at work. And? I hope you enjoyed your morning dose of joy from me and Catherine. And? Wash your hands when you shit. Helen,

I will pull this car over. Sorry. Good, fine. You know like Tracy Beaker? That is like a heart. Sorry. Those threats that my mum used to make, that one like, oh, I'll turn around and take the car home.

I will turn this car around. I knew she never would. Like, there was no way she was doing it. Like, my mum's favorite one was pretending calling the police. What? Like, she used to do it all the time. So, like, she'd be, like get in the car and like me and my brother and sister would be like you go fuck yourself you

fucking bitch like not doing it what age for you and then oh like four up what and then like all three of us like you go fuck yourself you fucking whore absolutely not going to happen and then she'd be like right that's it only one thing left to do and we're like go on cool dad he doesn't give a shit he's at the sewers like and then and then she pretended to call the police being like that's right that's right queens road fleet oh my god that's funny and then you'd get in the car because we thought it would be arrested and we did believe at that point the death penalty was thriving in the UK.

Wow. No, I always think I like... Prattishness. I know, right? I don't know because the death penalty was like big in Malaysia when we were there when we were younger so we just assumed it was everywhere.

So we were like, oh no, we're going to get put down. It wasn't for like... We're going to get put down like dogs. We didn't get in the car. It wasn't for like making your mom late for super value. Like, what's going on? But if you're told it is, then you believe it. We're like, we're going to get hung

in the town square, everyone's going to come watch. Not again. No more stoning the children. I don't want to get hung on the same day as my siblings. They'll get all the attention. Just horrendousness. It is probably hanged though. And the thing is...

Hanged? Yeah, it's hanged. What's hung then? Oh, like a horse. Yeah. Okay, that's not where my mind went. Like when you go for a walk in the countryside and you see a horse and you're like, hello.

Yeah. Oh, don't mind if I do. No, yeah, you might care. Hello, lovely listeners. Thank you so much for supporting our podcast. If you're coming to the Edinburgh Fringe, all three of us, yes, that's right. Helen Bower, Catherine Bowhart, Andrew White, we all have Edinburgh shows on in different venues. So we're going to tell you about them.

I'm on a 320 at the Monkey Barrel. My show is called This Isn't For You. And I would absolutely love to see you there. I think tickets are like eight quid, so get yourselves down a bucket ticket. It's a wonderful show. highly recommends. Thank you, darling. Me, Catherine, me.

What about it? What about it? I guess, I don't know. I'm at the Pleasance Courtyard. Cute. Bunker 2. No, that's a lie. No, it is.

Bunker 2 at 540. And the show is called Madam Good Tits. Of course it is. Andrew, come on. Tell us about ye. I am at 6.50. So you could do a full run of us

all in one afternoon. The trusty hogs triple. It's a bit of a ton over between you and me, but I reckon we can. It's doable. It's a close walk. Get your scoot on. Yeah.

Don't run over Helen. On Cowgate at Just Tonic at the Caves and the show is called Andrew White Brackets but not in a gay way. I love it. We'd love that.

We'd love that. I have a question. Did you have a nice time in Ireland? Did you enjoy the culture? I fucking love Dublin. I love it so much. Like I immediately emailed the people that run the festival

being like seriously. Like I'm 100% into this. Like I love it. like we weren't looking for your endorsement just do your fucking job? No, just to say thank you so much for having me and like they were like let us know if there's anything else we want to do in Ireland and I was like yeah no 100% because like obviously

I went early in the year with Fwant 5th out to Fwant 5th So Francis Andrew you shout out to Fawrances Hi Francis Yeah, hi Farncith But we were like so quick in and out This time was amazing I feel like you gave me You got thrown around

Yeah you showed me around real good Like she took me for a coffee She tried to take me for a crept, but the place was closed and she had a tantrum on the street. We went to Dunes, Dunes. We did. We bought your little lesbian jacket. Because I forgot to bring a jacket with me.

And then hung out with a lesbian jacket. It wasn't a lesbian jacket. It was a jacket. It's a jacket. It's a shacket. Is that what it's called? A shirt jacket. You looked great.

Andrew, I've got a shacket. And then hung out with Catherine Bowhart's sister. It's actually hanged out. Is that actually? What did I say? I don't understand. You know I don't understand grammar joke, so why do we do them? I get it too.

It's actually hanged out. What's the joke? What is the joke? Who's that for? I'm sorry. If you actually laughed at that. Tweet if you actually laughed at that. We went to university.

Oh, who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? That's it. I'm calling the police. No, I don't want to get hanged on the same. Day is Andrew. I don't want to get hanged on the same day as Andrew. People won't think it's homophobic.

Oh, I think it's hung. Huh? See, I don't, you know what? It's a waste of everyone's time. My sister was there and she brought Helen a badge. A badge for what? It was more than a badge. It was.

The face of Lady... Sorry. We've spoken about this before. The face of Lady Diana. Her blue eyes sparkling. It sits on my shacket here. And it is the best thing I've ever been given. And then I said to Catherine's sister,

I was like, did you get anything with Catherine? She was like, no, God, no. And then Helen ran across the festival being like, Karen, Gallen, Gallet, Gall, Gall, Gall, your sister got me a gift. I was like, I know, I've seen it. And she's like, no, no, no, no. She didn't get you one.

And I was like, uh-huh. I didn't want to break little Helen's heart and be like, we've exchanged gifts without you before. You also met so many of Catherine's, like, old uni mates, a college, apologies. Yeah, we say college mates. And, yeah, she was as bad as she says she was. I was like, well, she really just like cleaning

and just being no fun and studying. and they went, yeah, no, she's the worst. Like, they were also like all lesbians, which was, yeah. It was madness. I know you guys travel in packs, but it's like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, no, I realized that. As you came out, I was like, oh, she was here and Sarah's here and Kate's here and Anne's here. And I was like, oh, I only brought lesbian.

But, like, really accomplished lesbian. Oh, yeah, no, stunning, for sure, very successful. Incredible. Yeah, very, very. It's like, I'm the only one who's a mess, really. I know, so sad. That's sad for you. I know.

That's sad. No, I think you're thriving in your own way. It's just not obvious when you first meet you. Or talk to me. But I want to go back to Dublin. I do feel like I've got more to explore. I want to go to Skull. I want to go to Skiborin.

Skull's not in Dublin. No, but Skull's in West Cork. Yeah. I'd like to travel around the country, Andrew. Please. Can you facilitate that, please? I can take it to Cork. My dad's from Cork.

Yeah I think all the best men are from Cork Yeah he's half your height He can drive He'd love to have you What are the brilliant men are from Cork Neil O'Rourke Nice

The guys from Young Offenders Michael Collins I was gonna say Who did learn the name of this weekend Michael Collins I've seen the film before But I couldn't remember his name And I think I said Michael Douglas

And all these Irish guys were like What are you talking about I was like the lab They got shot next to the car He was like Michael Douglas You know him He got shot from a car And you were like

What are you talking about And then I got Michael Collins and everyone was like, oh, she's so stupid. But I was doing my best. I really was. I know. And it's just that sometimes you doing your best is like hard to walk. It's still not good enough. No, also just kind of gives me a headache.

Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, it was lovely having you in Dublin. I'm glad you came. We got that free dinner. I saw a Nile Quinn, old football player. Yes, we got a free dinner. We did get free dinner. It was amazing.

Did you give away your pants yet? I just heard. Sorry, what? Give away your pants. When you arrive, you get given like a, a, gift bag at festivals and like they're always absolute fucking madness but I lose my mind because there's

loads of free shit in them. This one was sponsored by a gambling company which I wish I'd known I didn't really realise it beforehand and I wish I hadn't yeah I thought it was um an electrical company I threw the pants away I took two pairs because there was one you could get for free in a vending machine in the green room and I gave one to Neil O'Rourke and one to

Sanil Patel. Oh so they can have they can dress up matching for you? Yes and then we got given little alcohol bottles in our bag and I gave it to homeless people. They look like adult diapers, didn't they, the pants? Yes. Yeah.

So you're going to have the boys dressed up as your babies? I'm going to have my little boy to stop like my little baby babies. That's nice. Yeah, my big babies. Favorite things about Ireland?

Three things. Go. That coffee place we went to where the guy was really condescending but was actually correct about not put a milk in my coffee. Oh my God. That was amazing.

Also, how cute was that dog? The collie was there. Oh, there was a dog that was so horrid. Oh my God. She was on her back for everyone that walked past. And you know, When you're like, I love her, I feel her and like, do your truth, but also like you're on the street.

She was. She would just block entire streets full of children tourists being like, rub my belly, rub my belly, rub my belly, rub my belly. Also, the longer and friends with Catherine, the harder it is for me to accept, right, I know you have perfectionism, right? I know it's OCD, but you are more than happy to get your mitts involved in any dog as much as possible. But sometimes I come up to you and want to hug you and you're like, oh, a bit sweaty. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, so what's the line? Do you know what I mean?

Because we know I don't have fleas. That's an interesting point, actually. Because your mitt will get an any dog. Like, I struggle to have to, like, I can share a drink with somebody. I re-struggle with handshaking. I don't love public transport. Like, I struggle. When Helen gets stickyy in the summer, you don't want to hug her, Helen.

I find it all very difficult. But honestly, that just doesn't apply to animal. I know. Oh, my God. The freakyest dog this morning, I was waiting at the bus stop. Just came up and licked my ankle. And the only went, sorry, she's got a thing for her ankle. And I was like, okay.

She's an 18th century gentleman. What's happening? Sorry, she's got a thing for. Frankles because I'm wearing cargo pants and the dog just came up and the dog just came up and yeah la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la but but yes so we were at this pretentious coffee shop

which is the only kind in Dublin because you can't afford to live there so that coffee better be good and um this guy comes out and uh he was like decaf americano that was for me and a regular americano for helen and we said oh um she ordered milk and thank you so much and

um he was like ah we don't actually serve it now with milk. It's a very light coffee and what it's Columbian what I'd urge you to do. What I'd really start backing down. What he said was

I would really implore you to do now is give that a try before. It's a very light brew. And then I was like, we'll have some milk please. Thank you. But I tried it. He was very convincing

and it was really good. I know that was the only thing he was right. He was right. It was very light. It was very light. But I was like, put the fucking milk in and take it and we win.

Come on. My second favourite thing about Dublin was the green room snacks. The only thing I didn't enjoy about it was when I went into a green room and it was only Irish comedians in there and I took all the food. And I was taking it for other comics. True you were. But other British comics. Yeah.

The optics of it was awkward. Yeah. They were like, just taking us back to the homeland. Yeah. But we paid for it in the first place. Excuse me? I don't understand. We did.

We, you know, you took the soup, right? They're taking the soup. You did not learn anything this weekend, did you? I did. The statue had someone having soup. You're trash. During the famine. What did I tell you about that?

If you took the soup from the soldiers, from the English soldier? No. Because that was, that was enough. You weren't listening at all, were you? Okay. Potted history. You ready? Yes.

Ireland, just chilling. Having a nice time. people had enough land people were living there British people came 1700s no took the let's not even worry

about years just look at me people came from Britain seized that land gave it to their own like people of influence then those people

who previously used to live on the land were now allowed a tiny portion of that land which they now had to pay rent on to a landlord right so they're like who's the land us

yep amazing so they give them a tiny postage stamp of land and then they can't have fallow years so they can't like we let the soil recover

because they only have this tiny patch of land to live off so they keep trying to grow things like basic things that you can live a lot like all your nutrients from like potatoes. But the soil is bad so eventually there's a blight and you get the potato famine right now then most of Ireland starves but simultaneously there's

enough food in Ireland for Irish people in the form of stop that in the form of wheat and grain where's it all going? It's being shipped out of Ireland to Britain. Britain. Britain. Britain. which is why it's considered by historians. A lot of historians as like a willful famine. The point is a million people and children die.

Why didn't we leave the food there? Indeed, because we weren't considered people. And then 1.5 million to 2 million had to move to America and then died on the ships. And a lot of them. And then, no, not the same at all. And then... New York.

Focus on what I'm saying to you. Yes. and then consequently amidst that people who wanted Irish people to become Protestants they were Catholics came to Ireland

set up soup kitchens so absolutely like starving to death people offered them soup if they took the soup became Protestant became Protestant

so they had to give over their souls before they that's called taking the soup is becoming a Protestant out of starvation and what are you

it's also it's why it's become a term for taking the soup is like accepting British rule even though I've taken no no no no if you're an Irish person

but ultimately you didn't really have much of choice because you were like coerced in the situation what sort of soup that's your question can I praise

your persistence there thank you so much very good rundown of the history and having kept trying to tip in but you persisted thank you so much thank you so that's what we learned

did it come with Brad I told you but you know what the worst part is I've told the story to her like eight times this weekend. I am remembering little bits in between spinning

Pokemon sauce. There was definitely the word Protestant a couple of times. Oh my God. Okay, well anyway, that was the Irish famine and that's what you went to multiple memorials about this weekend but still didn't seem to pick up any other minutes.

They were very beautiful. There was a woman at one of them doing a TikTok. Oh my God, that was awful. We got to the famine memorial which is actually genuinely very moving and quite beautiful. It is actually an amazing memorial. It's so beautifully done.

And Helen, when we were actually there managed to keep it together and behave and then like well actually i that's a straight apply i just remember when you tried to get through the stones because you thought it was a measure of whether or not you were hungry enough to be in the famine the statues were so thin oh my god the point is uh when we got there there's a plin body positivity baby and there's this russian woman who's like maybe like was she was she was she was speaking russian i didn't hear her and she doesn't matter where she was from the point is she was like older than i was like a grown-up person oh no like a woman a woman doing a tic-tok on top of this memorial and it was like you're dead

Definitely not supposed to stand on it. But she'd rested her phone. Against. On one side of it, there's the statue. On the other side of the Mr. Wolfton. On the other side of the memorial, there's like an image of what I now know as the Protestant's giving the soup

to the no longer Catholics. It's a starving. Not bad. Come on though. That was good. And then she'd rested it in the soup bowl. It's like, what the fuck? She hadn't.

She hadn't. Oh my God. That's where the phone was in the soup bowl. I get the really thin wrist. You're like, that's why the world should burn. Yeah. Fucking said it a light. We're done.

We're done. We're done. The world is done. Either way, I had some amazing food when I was there. That's your segue. No, no, but the green room food. That's my second favorite thing. What was the green room food?

Oh, crisps, the Tato's crisps. They had a selection of fruit. What was the biscuits you liked? Kimberly. Kimberly. The Kimbley. Kimberly elites. Yeah. And Catherine did that thing.

You know when someone comes to your country that doesn't know it and you start going like, and do you have this over in England? And it's like, yeah, we have time out chocolate bars. Like really obvious stuff. But you didn't have a Kimberly elite. Have you guys heard of bananas? Had you had a Kimberly elite? No, it's like... Did you like the Kimberly Elite?

Oh my God, it was amazing. It's like a tonnex tea cake but actually better. Better, much better. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. I had so many on my persons like tucked into everything. Because I'm wearing cargo pants now because it's amazing. gathering things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Because the more gigs I do with a free stuff backstage. Every favorite thing? That fending time with you. Really? Yeah. It was actually,

it was actually real nice to hang out with you when we didn't have to do like loads of work to just have fun. You were with your notepad the entire time working. I was having fun with Julie pretend to be four and Catherine was like, nope, nope, I'm writing myself.

Only because that would have taken me five minutes, but every time I tried to write down my set, you were like, I need my nappy change. So it was like, Come on. I'm sorry, Julie, do you mind taking me to the festival directors to get mine appreciate you?

It's fucking awful. There's no way I'm going back. And least favourite thing about Ireland? Least favourite of the airport. It was awful. It was a bad. Coming back out, like I was dropped up so early. There was nowhere to sit.

It was just so busy. There's nowhere really to have anything nice to eat there either. It's very annoying. Yeah. Like, it was just the everything was like, it was just overpacked and there was nowhere to be. I agree. I completely agree. And the lack of good food in Dublin.

airport. It's a real travesty. Yeah, I just got like a meal deal from the Smiths, actually. That's what I got. Oh, that's a shame. Did you get a coffee at, um, um, bollers? Oh, I got a coffee bullers. No. Oh, I saw that one really early on. Yeah. Because I got distracted again by the Irish gift shop. Which one, Carols? No, the one that's at the airport just through security on the left. The one that I got the light from last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Spent a while in there. Yeah, I always wonder who buys salmon in an airport. Helen. No, you didn't. No, obviously didn't buy salmon there. People who do. you like, that's a good point. Who's buying refrigerators? You know what I mean? There's loads of it on sale in the Irish airport. It's just like soda bread and salmon

as you head off to New York and you're like, that's too long a flight to bring that on. It's warm in there. Maybe they're eating it on the flight? Oh, that's so much worse. I don't think anyone was flying to New York from the airport. People do. No. Yeah, all the time. Famous connections, actually. Really? Yeah, no, the Irish and the

American. Listen, it's the whole thing, but that's on next week's episode of History you probably already know. I do think I think we actually should make that a segment because I do have a lot of questions With Stonewall with you as well Yeah

But Stonewall was great And also thank you to everyone Who messaged me saying Thank you for asking Because actually I didn't know Is thank you what we want to say to those people Or is Google what we want to tell them No

Because it's like I think a lot of people Thought like me It was sort of like an expression But they didn't know Like the story behind the expression Were they all straight people? I don't know I don't know

I'd love to know more about Joan of Arc because I've heard about her and there actually wasn't an arc involved at all No

yeah I thought it was something to do with Noah and it's not I did an episode of her on you're dead to me the podcast

So why did you have to listen to that and not waste all of our lives Is it true she pretended to be pregnant And

why don't you check that at no apparently they were going to kill her and she's like I'm pregnant you can't

I don't not only do you not have to Google it you can listen to the answer and not just any stranger

This guy! This guy! Explain it to me. Yeah, you should do that. I love that podcast. Probably my favourite podcast. And then you tell me what's going to happen after the Queen Elizabeth dies. Okay.

There are some good YouTube videos for that actually. I've watched some of them, but they're all just like, the coins will change. I know that. Okay. I want to know when the purges. You want me to do past and future as well?

When's the purge? When's the purge? Christ alive. Because I don't want to miss it. Because if she dies in August, I'll miss the purge. What purge would you? would you do?

I thought we were just going to purge the whole lot of them out because everyone's like she's so old she's done it for so long we have to wait but I thought

we'd go in and purge as soon as she's gone oh wait wait like purge the family yeah yes yes Ellen burn the monarchy down yes Ellen

I thought you meant the purge we finally agree on something we've already agreed on this get them out yeah we fucking hate them let's do it and we support Diana yes

yes thank you if that's what I need to do the anti-monercus anti-monicist podcast that's fine yeah

but I don't want to miss the purge because my fear is I'll miss it. Yeah, and I would like some of those candlesticks, please. But the candlesticks in Buckingham Palace? Yeah. You ain't getting into the palace. Why?

You won't be frontline purge with all the people who've been camping out waiting to get in. No, but I could be like, sorry, I work here, and people would be like, that's your right. The only part of the purge you will take part in is the clean up at the end. Don't make out you'd be one of the people to be running around the palace grabbing at things.

You'd go four days later. Only because I don't like other people. But it's just the volunteers who show up with their own cleaning supplies being like, I heard there's a mess. Only because I don't like other people And I think that that should belong to public property It should be public properties You'll be like, I'll take a bedroom

And I'll do a really nice tidy I would I'll be on the front lines And I'll be walking out With just random shit Being like I got everything I got everything You'd be like that guy

The Capitol Riots Yeah Except it'll be like That's a butler Put that down I have like five crowns on my head Like Fuck is in the centre of it all

I would love to see you at the tiara On each tith That'd be amazing Dane Yes That would be incredible. I don't think the tiaras are at Buckingham Palace because there's no active princesses at the moment, are there?

Okay, you know too much about this. Yeah. Helen, here's my question. Yes. If you're listening to this at home, week one, we're in Edinburgh. Oh, God. It's what day? Thursday.

It's Thursday. It's Thursday. I've done... What day does that? Thursday the fourth. Okay, so I've done... Oh, it's my first day. It's my first day.

No, it's my second day. It's my second day. Oh, no, it's my first day. My first performance day. I perform first, my first shows on the third, so second will be the fourth. I can't believe all the time people are listening to this. I've done two shows in Edinburgh. Let me just see.

We do actually have an Edinburgh-Fringe-related question. Hang on, wait, wait, let's find out when my Edinburgh show starts. You should know this, Catherine. It really feels like the kind of thing I should know. Does anybody know when my Edinburgh fringe shows start? I can Google it if you want. Andrew is crazy. Just so everyone knows now I'm getting paranoid and checking when mine starts.

When is my Edinburgh? show beginning oh this isn't a good start you are from the 4th of August okay so today is if they're listening my first day so my shows are 320 oh first day okay so after my show I think I'm going to go see Shelf if anybody wants to come

I literally just saw their show we did a split free together it's so good okay great I'm going to go see them I'm going to have dinner at mums you know the sausage and mash flake yes wait how have you this is a week away from when we're recording this is quite a while away oh because and you already know your dinner plan

Well, because on the third, I have my tech rehearsal and I have my online shop arriving. This is mental. How do you have this already? I don't even know what I'm taking to Edinburgh yet. Oh, I use the same pack list I've been using for the last seven years. I just updated every year on my phone. That's so smart. Oh, my God.

Do you want me to send you my pack list? No, please, yeah. No, because Andrew will have things like eight pairs of underwear and it's like you just need five. Like, she'll have a packlist. It's a month. Bring, bring, I'd say minimum. Yeah, I'd say minimum 18. Yeah.

What are you talking about? One's 18. How many pairs of underwear? What are you talking about? Like eight? No, shut up. You're lying. Yeah, eight.

You are lying. You do a wash like once a week. You're lying. What? You have more than eight pairs of pants, Helen. So you only have one pair of pants to wear whilst the other seven are in the wash. Yeah. Helen, you lie.

You lie. I swear I don't have one. No, you're lying. That is. You're lying. Who buys 18 pairs of pants? I have like. How many paginas are you got?

I'd say I have 30 pairs of pants. I'm probably somewhere in the middle like 40. Maybe 20. Maybe 20. I'm not including my four slutty pairs of pants. I don't feel good. Oh, either my. Either my, Jesus, no.

And I'm not including period pants. Take period and whore pants out of the running. So I think I have about 14 or to 20 pairs of pants. I definitely could do two weeks. No, I've got, I'd say eight. No. I'm trying to think now, but yeah, eight. What size pants to you?

I need to get you some. What size? Yeah. 22. Anyone you want, who wants, show up to head. Helen's gig now. A week from now in Edinburgh. Size 22 I'd really appreciate that. Size 22

pounds. I'm a size 12. Oh, can they have like fun little patterns on them like rainbows and sunshine? I'd just like black high-waisted. No, can I have them say like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday, Sunday Sunday. I'd love that for me. No, they're mine. They're my gifts. No, but I want them as well so why can't we both have them matching? Please

I want them. I want them. I want Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday and I'll wear them in order and you never will. If you are going to receive these as gifts to the to the givers, hey, thank you so much for your But B, please don't give them in a creepy way. Oh, yeah. Here's a gift that you reference the podcast. And I want a full brief, high-wasted, please.

Size 12. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I'll wear them in order. Helen won't. Do you what kind of pants do you want high-wasted, full brief? Full brief. Oh, I love the big girl knickers, like proper. Like that would like capture everything.

Yeah, please. Anything that's falling out of me. Oh, that would be so nice. Andrew. I don't actually do this one. No, I don't know. Also, can you please give me? I think they will.

I don't think they will. I don't think they will. I don't know. I bet you they won't. At the end of the show. No one's getting us Monday, Tuesday. No one's getting us pants, but I really hope someone does. I know, can you imagine?

I could actually do. It turns out on reflection, I think I need some. And you definitely do. Apparently I do. In Edinburgh, we will. This is great, and then I won't pack any pants to go up with. No, that's not all we're saying. No, you just said your ponds are liquid.

Come on, they need to bring you to bring your own pants. I make it on top of a toilet for a liquid poo. Because there's no risk then of breaking the porcel and basin. You know what I mean? I'll see good. Wow. When you do a big solid one that cracks the older porcelain. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you haven't. No, you haven't. No, you haven't. Should we do a problem? Oh, yeah. Also, though, what I was just going to say is check us out in Edinburgh. Check Andrew out in Edinburgh. And also, if you want, go see the acts that you've liked from this podcast.

Yes, there's a list on Twitter and Instagram. Will there? I'm going to make a graphic. Yes, Andrew. By the time the fringe starts, you'll be able to see all the guests and what they're doing. Oh, my gosh. Gorgeous. I love that.

Oh, then one of the little shout-out. Rose Johnson, who was on our podcast not too long ago. Yeah. She is in London during Edinburgh, and she will be at the Soho Theatre on the 8th of August and the 29th of August. And she's fucking hilarious. So if you're not going off the French, really good call. Still jump in on that.

Yeah. And actually, while we're on the topic of Rose Johnson, who directed your show, we're very lucky. She directed yours and the wonderful Charlie Dinkin directed mine. And I don't think directors get enough credit. And it's like, comedy's obviously collaborative. Yeah. So just a shout out to be like, thanks, ladies.

You're the best. Thanks, Charlie and Rose. Thanks, Gals. Thanks, Gals. Thank you. Okay, let's do a problem then. Oh, by the way, it's just us today. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

As it's day one of the fringe, we thought it would be easier and calmer to be just the pair of it. Oh, yeah. And by the way, this is Cam, because wait till you hear the podcast that if we make any in the fringe, which we're going to try desperately to do it. Oh, my God. You, now I hear it. That was so fast. What?

He just spoke so fast. Yeah, you speak fast. No, I just, I heard it for the first time. What have you been the whole time? That was like garbled nonsense. What are you talking about? Enunciate. Apparently I speak faster and a little more Irish when I come back from Ireland.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe. What's your voice when you're at? Because apparently I go poshure and more formal when I'm angry. When you're angry. I've never heard her angry. That's not true. I don't know.

I sort of a high-pitched squawking. Like I get quite... Leave me alone. Leave me alone. It's your face that changes your eyes. Your eyes go a little bit like glazed over like Helen. Do they? That's it.

Oh really? We're not doing this now. Yeah. Actually, I probably slow down when I'm angry. Yeah. If anything, because I'm trying to, because I do think there's an indignity in it. That isn't true, but I judge myself for it. So I'm busy, like, trying to take a breath.

I can tell from your eyes. I would think your anger is quite well formed because of your, like, debating experience. Yes, but I can also go off the deep end. If I haven't, like, if it depends on what kind of anger, if it's justified, yes, you are going to get a strongly worded, a discursive essay on why. is you were wrong. Out loud, obviously. But if I have just lost my mind,

then no, I can be a bit all over the shop and irrational and inconsistent. I think that's better, though, because I cry, which is incredibly emotional. Oh, I do that too. I'll start crying. I don't think it is. I don't know.

I'm just really, I feel like a four-year-old that doesn't, I knows what I want to say, but hasn't got the words. Yeah, but I don't think it's emotionally manipulative if it's not intended. If it's not, like, it's not something you have any control over it. I plan to cry something. Oh, well, then, obviously, go for you.

Fuck yourself. You've done it in three consecutive podcast episodes now. Yeah. If it's just that you can't know, oh, stop it.

Helen, Helen. Helen. What is that? Inappropriate. And enough now. Enough. Right.

Let's solve a problem because I already have a headache. How do people listen to this? My God. Thank you for subscribing. Please support us on Patreon. I need tissues and I'm so tired.

So do you want a fringe-related one? So somebody asked for... I'd love a fringe one. I love that we're such fucking greedy little goblins that were like, be our Patreon. And also here's a specific gift we want at the fringe. And nobody was like, Catherine, you're such a tool. Andrew was like, they're definitely going to do this.

And Helen was like, me too. We're trashed. Go on. So it's either like how to do the fringe as a punter as a reverse of like the Joe's Norris question of how to do the things of the comic. Or I have a boyfriend romantic one. Let's do both. Yeah, I agree.

Of fact, should we do one, let's do one for the patrons? That's what I was thinking. Should we, do we do the fringe one for the patrons? Yeah, let's do the romantic one now. Let's go. Okay, so this is from Elle. Hi, Elle. Elle says, my problem is that I'm also, uh, low-key, sorry, I, I've cropped this badly from my screenshot.

They sent some very lovely things about the podcast. It's not on you, Elle. I never crop that. You never, you never, you never, tell us a compliment. Sorry, okay. I'll read you the, I'll read you the compliments. Let me find it in my own. I know, you're evidently, man.

Hi, all, I'm Loki. I'm low-key addicted to this podcast and I love you all thing inspiring Yeah Hoggy up your life Thank you We got the compliment And you spoke over it

I didn't get to hear that Now you say sorry Sorry Ellen Sorry and to the listeners Sorry Elle And to the hogs Sorry hogs Oh cute

And we'll please may you start again And we'll be better Please andrew please Please stop This is right in my ears I've got the head of this one Hi all I'm low-key addicted to this podcast

and love you all for being inspiring yet hoggish delights Thank you, Elle But why low-key? Do you know what I mean? Okay, continue Continue to speak doing it like, oh I'm low-key But instead of low-key, they meant high-key Okay, good Yeah

I'm so old My problem is that I'm also Low-key in love with a long-term romantic friend Who is the only individual in my life Who doesn't have the same basic ethics And political standings as me During the referendum days Hang on, a long-term romantic friend

so a friend that they are fallen in love with but is also the only person in their friendship world who does not share their political beliefs yeah so it will become clearer contextually but yeah it's a friend that they've they've had kind of on and off stuff with yeah during referendum days he was a vocal yes supporter I'm not sure which referendum that would be

whether it's Scottish independence or I assume it's Brexit yeah that makes sense or it could even be the abortion plebiscite in Australia for the gay marriage oh maybe anyway some sort of political leaning that is not

that of else and alienated not only me but loads of his friends by getting into Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan to name a few in a big way I assume it wasn't that he was just so pro-gay writer yeah no I think so yeah oh my god listening I love Joe Rogan I love

Jordan Peterson and I love Stonewall yeah I know that it's a phrase right At the same time, he was coming out as by and clearly going through quite a lot of transitions which in some ways explained to his reaction reviews, brackets even if they weren't justified. Equally, we had and have an unparalleled physical connection

and share a long-distance co-dependency, which is admittedly not entirely healthy, but is something that gives me a lot of pleasure and energy in life. Because we live apart, it doesn't really encroach much on my life to lean into the complexity of us seeing each other non-exclusively. but am I a moral for sleeping with, quote unquote, the enemy? Thank you, Elle. P.S. I'm a queer woman, five years is senior.

He's a cis man who was homophobic when he met and now enjoys sucking all the dick. Is how that's been worded. Great wording. I mean, it sounds like he's... Number one, glad you're getting energy from it. And it sounds like, L, you're incredibly aware of your situation. And you're very aware of like all the different parts of this. and how it's changed.

So, like, kudos to you. It's very easy to be like, we have really good sex and I'm really into it, but I don't agree with loads of other stuff. Like, you've clearly put a lot of thought into this. After that, I genuinely am not quite sure what you're asking us. I, um, do you know what I mean? Yeah, well, I think, that's the thing is,

I think that basically what Elle is saying is, I have this attraction to a person who is in evolution, which, by the way, we all are. apart from me who was born done at four at four and I think that Elle is judging herself

for that sexual attraction and is looking to us for permission which I just think we need to like get to the first hurdle which is you don't need our permission

or anybody else's if you have misgivings about it I think that that's something worth examining I don't think there's a first like I don't think there's this

sort of like outside of you metric that can be like you're moral or immoral if you think his views are immoral first of all they're not yours so I'm not sure how that makes you a moral unless you're in endorsing them with your vaj is that what this is in which case like I do think the power of the vagina is something that is incredible and I think it is something to consider but like I'm but like he seems to be growing as a person and also you're not like meaningfully building a life with him so I'm not sure to what degree you have to examine his

like political personhood as a metric for whether or not he gets you off sometimes. I just think you're being really hard on yourself. I wonder like also this is just a bigger question as far as like I have a friend who morally I don't agree with but they're changing like and also we do sometimes as a society

particularly at the moment have a tendency to be like well they believe that so that's what they're like so then I will just write them off like that. I've had some very close people in my life who have said some things that I've been like oh wow you are a very close person in my life

and you say things all the time I find to be objectionable for many minutes of this podcast has been very insensitive famine chat yes all the time you say things that are problem having but we allow people to learn and grow and grow

but I think you're making an interesting point out of this is a good example I was chatting with a friend a woman who I used to work with ages ago she's not a woman and she she wasn't coming at it from the angle as J.K. Rowling is correct but she was like I understand as a woman who grew up during this

feminist movement aspects of what she's saying and was trying to get ahead around the whole cancellation of J.K. Rowling and what exactly she had said and the first time I heard that my immediate reaction was to be like what the fuck you fucking tough. like are you serious but then it's just that taking that moment she was wanting the discussion yeah for us to have that discussion because people's what we think is correct or what you've like learned to believe from like circumstances like not everyone has the access to information and the

education that you're only as informed as your opportunity there we go that's a really nice way of putting it so like you allow people to educate and grow is when people are willfully ignorant and being an ass whole because like there comes a lot of different things into when people like judge people from like a very privileged position being like oh they're really ignorant and stupid and it's like no you just haven't had that conversation with them like you've got to look at their like home circumstances growing up like the conversations they were surrounded with the opinions that you hold might have made their life incredibly difficult if they'd held those opinions so it is allowing people to shift and grow and it sounds like this this man is in the process of doing so yeah I also just think that like I think that you're you're making a broader society point which is that like which I mean is shocking but I do think you are which is like and I think it's embedded in Elle's language there of like sleeping with the enemy and it's like I think that we've gone to a place in the world I know this isn't a profound statement but like where people who disagree with us are are that the enemy and listen I understand that instinct so much it's very difficult to think of like how you could hold certain views and still be a person with empathy but

but the reality is that is that is what is true like people have you know families they love they do kind deep they take care of their neighbors and then they hold randomly awful views and like because the world is complex and people are nuanced and I think when we write them off as the enemy without being able to engage with one another we we mainly cost ourselves the progression that could have occurred about one having difficult conversations and look I don't think you always have to be in the mood for those difficult conversations I think you could have lines in the sand with those difficult conversations, I think those difficult conversations cost certain people different things. Like, I think it's more costly for a trans person to

have a discussion about trans rights than it is for somebody for whom it's like theoretical and abstract. But I do think like shutting it down as being like, they're over there and we're over here. It doesn't actually achieve what it sounds like you want, which is for this person to become like morally more aligned with you. Catherine didn't explain things to me. But also like, imagine. What a world. Yeah. What a awful. world to live in. If Catherine Andrew didn't have the patience to be like, that's not just a whimsical statement. There's much more to it. You really can't say that word anymore. You can't, you can't, you can't. The other thing I will say is, yeah, mainly though, I just don't think like

it's up to us to judge who you fuck. And also, like, if you found a cis man who can give you an orgasm, can I just say it is your duty as a woman, your duty to make that man a better god damn person because he could be good for the world thank you thank you very much thank you i would just like to quickly without a rebuttal from you if that's okay point out the irony of katherine saying that you have to listen to people and allow to grow even when you don't agree with it because when that man suggested i don't have milk in my coffee she was quite angry and i feel like I took the opportunity to listen to him and grow and I will just say that.

You didn't listen and grow. Without rebuttal. I said, okay. You didn't listen and grow. You backed down. You backed down. I feel like he wasn't like,

the words urge and implore are so wanky. Yeah, it was also just like, we actually, also having, he knew we'd asked for milk and then said, yeah,

but the things we don't actually serve it with milk. And it's like, the order was coffee and milk. You can't be like, oh, uh, anyway. We had a lovely time.

Anyway, Elle, get your. Let him split. Let him split. Let him. Right in a binary middle. Now then, what's the, what's the next one?

Oh no, we're going to do that in the paper. Are we going to do extras now? Okay. Have a nice... I've got so much to tell you in the extra. Okay. Oh, I'm really excited. You always tell me their filthiest things there.

No, because... You know I'm going to be having sex in summer? In August. In August. In August. We'll talk about this in the extra. Oh, I hope I'll be having sex in August, too. I'm having so much, though.

Are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's yours already pre-planned. Yeah. Oh, my, I'll tell you. Oh, I've got some more good sex updates, actually. Oh, my God. Oh, but I don't have any guaranteed sex.

Is there right? I'll come over and I'll play with your clip every now and again. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you for listening. Poor Catherine. Come, poor Catherine.

Come see us in Edinburgh and bring us knickers. Thank you so much. I've been Helen Bauer. This has been Catherine Bohar. That all's Andrew White. Hello. Bye-bye. Bye.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Wake up! Thank you.