Trusty Hogs - Ep46. MARY BETH BARONE / Baristas, Boyfriends & Baritones

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

Brilliant Manhattan comedian and actor Mary Beth Barone joins the Hogs for another super fun Edinburgh Fringe episode as we truly settle in to the chaos of the festival...Follow Mary Beth: @MaryBethBarone*SEE US IN EDINBURGH*Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia Lean / Raia FinkWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on Back to School. foods at Whole Foods Market. Hello and welcome to episode 46 of trusty hogs with me, Helen Bauer.

And me, Catherine Bower. We're both having breakdowns because it's the middle of the Edinburgh Fringe. We're not well. We're not okay. Check in. All right. Well, this is our good, you know what, it's a nice change of pace because usually, honestly, we're too smug on this podcast.

So it's nice that we are also falling apart. Okay, you were going to cry a minute a guy. Like our listeners whose problems we solve. See, we are you. you, you are we. What a delight to be here? We're loving Scotland. It's great. It's going to be a good day, Ellen. Welcome to trust you. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not

No, we can do this, we can do this. We can do it, I think. Just two more weeks. Oh, God. Why did you say that? I know, literally so yesterday, so we're recording this on the Monday is coming out on Thursday

and we were like, oh my God, like it's halfway through because it was the Pleasant's halfway through party last. night and then it was i mean i didn't go okay because i'm like not invited to anything i feel i gotta stop taking everything personally people are like i just had breakfast and i'm like without me and it's like just it's fine i had breakfast this morning without you you're a cunt i haven't had breakfast yet go on i had wheat mix um i love wheat i'm allergic i love them so much oh yeah of wheat i love them so much cold milk yes yes oh divine not too much not too much milk though it was

it was a bit of a rush okay i don't think i was like thinking okay how many bars two good correct it would have been more but the bowls are a bit shocking anyway what how many would it have been four no that's a good start to the day that's cement because i'm not four yeah my have your eating gone completely wrong at french yeah i keep skipping meals and then absolutely binging because i haven't eaten it right so this is why i'm like if i'm at home in the morning i will have a proper big breakfast yeah fair so that i can ride through lunch if i need to because then I had a cab before my show the other day

and it was a tricky before your show yeah yeah how long before that's crazy like 45 minutes I thought I was rogue because once I had a milkshake

before that's absolutely insane I had a cab and it came so there's this new thing at the German donna cabb shops you know the chain in the UK where they do spring rolls with cab meat in it

so it's like deep fried kebab meat it's incredible at what juncture did you need to poo it hasn't happened yet and that's been about four days The screenrollers absolutely clogged me up

By no one's business So I had that before my show Then you did need four weed a bit Because I get it now Anything to get me moving You should probably have some roughage actually Some green maybe some Yes I had some

I bought a pack of rocket That's so mad that you knew that Okay Something we can work on And yeah no it's all fine I saw Tim Key last night He's very good at comedy My gosh

That's so good show's funny We can talk about people who are thriving or we can talk about you crying in the Christmas shop. Oh, no, he doesn't seem happy, but my God, he was funny. My God, he was funny. And also, fuck you. Look, I'm doing this thing for my mental health of the fringe. Can you tell it's working?

And yesterday I went to the year-end Christmas shop because I was fine. And I only teared up massively when they said, Happy Christmas. Do you want to hold Helen's hand for it? No. Actually, speaking of, are we going to talk about it? Talk about what?

You and your hands? what did I do when you fully pammed me the other day we were doing gigglers live which by the way thank you so much for everyone to come oh my god it was so fun actually I have been made aware that some of the choices that myself and Catherine made throughout the show you were fine when we were taking off my pants and waving them around like a flag

yeah because that wasn't in front of people so I took my I took my um chubberubs shorts off that had loads of holes in them and I waved them like a flag like Miss heterosexuality and everyone was happy and then I dropped my breast on someone's head. Folly without consent. There it is. But look they're a patron. Duve girls shout out. Okay. Yeah she was actually finding weirdly happy about it. Loved it. Loved it. It was just the weird thing about the weight of my breast which made the head go ding. Yeah. Yeah. I was worried for her spine. That's true. Got the table moved. Um, but yeah, no. Oh my gosh.

You almost flipped everything on the table. See if you can hear Helen's boobs landing on the table on the podcast. Everybody be quiet. Make down. See if you can hear this. Imagine this on your head. That is incredible. Do it, do it, do it.

Fuck you. Okay. Someone's got to watch that on YouTube because that is freaking hot. And please turn that into a gift. That's got to be a king. That's a gift. That's a gift. That's a gift.

That's a gift. You've got to be, I bet you could drop your boobs. on things on only fans and make some cash. If anyone knows how I could monetize that, please let me know. I've heard you sound like only fan. I just told you had a monitor. Yeah, but you have to put years and years into it. I think you could do it in days.

Yeah. I like crush cans and stuff. Oh God, people would love that shit. Could you imagine if it ended up like, don't fuck with cats? Like I'm just like dropping it on hamsters or something. And then it becomes like a worldwide manhunt to get me. Why would your brain go there? I don't know.

I'm not doing very well. The first thing you thought of. Oh, my God. You're not like to babysit pancake ever. We spoke about the chihuahuas getting killed by me as well. I'm in a bad place. Yeah, that's the second time you've referenced potentially, accidentally, and then actually kind of on purpose killing an animal.

So the thing that you did that I thought was bad before today was we were at Giglis. Yes. And Sineal was on stage and we were whispering to each other. And then you decided you were done with the conversation. Yes. So you took your hand, you're sweaty, sweaty, palm. Sweaty, yes. Which I'd watched you scratch your crotch with several times.

I took my clothes off with it. Yeah, that you'd been walking around this venue and holding mics with. You're genuinely, at this point, wet, clammy doesn't do it justice, wet hand. Yes, it was wet. And pressed it against my mouth. You know when you're done talking, so it's just, you can't be like, shush, shush, because someone's on the stage and you should be respectful. So I face palmed her.

Yes. With her mouth open. Honestly, it took. my gums. I didn't like it. I hated it. But faster than I could hate it, you realized I would hate it? And your whole face changed, you were like,

he, ha, ha, oh. It was like, and you were like, and then she went to me as if it was enough of an apology, Helen goes, we talk about it on potty. And then you're not even ready with the apology for the body. Okay, here it is, here it is. I'm sorry I facepalmed you.

I'm sorry you were talking with one of our Axe were on stage. I was responding to you. What did I say? He wants to fork me. No, I didn't. Something like that. Still not happening on me and snail.

That's mad to me. I know. It's really sad. Like he is messaging a lot being like, I'm at this cafe. Do you want to have a coffee? But it's like, it's an open invite to all of our group. It's not just for me. That's not great.

And then I arrive and he's like, oh, here she comes. Here it comes. Like it's not very welcoming. I feel like he's my. dad at this point. Oh, like that same level of sort of like, yeah. My dad rejected me the other day. Why?

And I tell you this. Did you walk in and say, am I sexy? That's a call forward, I apologize. That's a really good call forward for the rest of the episode. I am, I will tell you this and then we'll invite on Marybeth Barone to try and get good vibes going again. Oh, she's a good comic. Oh, God, she's good.

I am doing some gigs in Oslo in September. Nice. In latter? Yes, in latter. Oh, my God. No, I've done it. It's so good. It's so good. Those gigs are gorgeous. Norwegians are so hot.

And also, by the way, they're like not even unaware of it. So, like, I remember being like, because obviously compared to you, we're trolls. And they'd be like, yes. You are an unattractive nation. They're so hot. And they're just like, yes, we are much more attractive than you. Also, it's just a gorgeous city. I have so many tips for you.

You're going to have the best time. Well, I invited my dad. I was like, do you want to come hang out with me at the end of this trip? like come to Norway for like three days because it's like it was a 70th and I missed it like we are taking him on a trip which you know we're going like a sleep train to Penzance blah blah but like

it was like come join me it'd be really really nice and then I hadn't you know when like people you haven't messaged them about it like recently and he messaged again being like are we are we doing that because if not my my girlfriend's invited me to Poland and I was like just go to Poland

like fuck it I'm not competing I'm not competing it's nice if it's the gigam thinking they give you a two-bed flat. I brought Karen with me. It was amazing. Booked by Katie? Oh no, it was booked by a drag queen at that time. Okay, so it's shifted hands. But if they're giving you, are they giving you a flat? They're giving me accommodation and flights, but I don't know what the details are. I'm fairly sure it has you should find out. I'm just excited to go. Where were you going to put your dad if it wasn't in

the other bedroom? No, I was going to, I said to him to come out on the Sunday, because the last shows on the Saturday, so we could have like three days. Yeah, like booking like a hotel But like Have like three days of bonding Properly romantic That's nice Me and Michael

Getting to know each other What's my middle name dad I don't know why should you Oh my God Why should you And on that note It's time for Mary Beth Barone Now we vote to see her show

She's an excellent comedian I don't think I was cool When she was here Was hoping for more support on that I don't know what you want to say I'm very chill She's stunning And like obviously

She's funny And brilliant at her job It is hard to ignore How beautiful she is Whilst that just me I feel like a subjectification At this point I do agree

But I think that Mary Beth Barone Would understand And maybe even think it was like Supporting the Girlies A hundred ten percent She's a very good guest She really pitted us against each other And I loved it

It's nice when someone does take a clear side So that we're not having to Yeah, that was a dramatic twist I didn't see coming We hope you'll love her We do her shows on at the Pleasins It's called Silly Little Girl It's so good

Here's us talking to Mary Beth Barone Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy You guys You've got two new producers Thank you to everyone That you did

Richard Bicknell L Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Kira Leach, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R. Anthony Conway, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah and Molly, Alex Pugh, Joe ZW, Amy, Raya or Raya? Raya, Raya, Fink. Let us know how we're saying your name, we're thrilled to have you here. And Cordelia Lean, you guys, so exciting. Wait, we've got a pageant called Cordelia?

Yeah, we're cool now. I'm dying. I'm dying This is so exciting Also thank you to our executive producers Guy Goodman Simon Morris Janina Batista Mary Fox Annie Tonner Sarah

Harkay Deakin and Oliver Jago Thank you all so much God damn we're lucky Thank you so much Hey if you're not a producer yet What you're waiting for kiddos There's so many benefits And thank you for supporting us on Patreon

We appreciate you Wait have people been flagging us off Yeah, they said they're not real podcasters. I will fucking cut a bit. No, that's true. That should be fair, we are women. I can't say on the record. If I say you have to bleep their names.

Beep. Was it Janice? Was it our tech? Oh my God, it was so done with the shit. That makes sense. So yesterday he was like, your voice is worse than it was yesterday. Ellen, we absolutely have to start by introducing Mary Beth, please.

I know. I know. I have started by introducing Mary Beth. Yeah, whatever you said. Welcome to episode 46 with Mary Beth Barone. Hi, Mary Beth Barone. Hi, welcome. How are you? Good, just drinking some water.

Nice. Feeling like I need more water. Here's the thing. You're an American comic at the Edinburgh Fringe, a very niche specialism. How do you find in this? You know what? It's been, you know how they say life is a highway? Really feels like that. It feels like that. The most American way we're going to do. I'm going to ride it all night long. Yeah.

From that episode of the office. Well, I think of it is from, I think it's from cheaper by the dozen, but yeah. I would know if it was cheap by the dozen. To be honest, I don't think that's about Cheap by the dozen is a bit. Yeah, we do. Are you professional podcasters or not? No, we have a fact checker. Andrew's on it. Don't you worry.

Just to clarify, what am I fact checking? Life is a highway. Is that in the movie Cheaper by the dozen? I'm going to ride it all night long. What's the origin story of that? It's in the 2003 Cheaper by the dozen. Yes. Whoa.

I'd like to take that back. Believe women. Believe women. It might also. be in the office though. I'm also a woman. Yeah, but come on. So believe her to. Mary Beth's more of a woman. Women against women is like a thing too, you know. Really? Well, in the US it is. I guess I thought we were all supposed to be like best friends and play to her. Oh, I went to an all-girls school. You clearly did not. No, I didn't.

What are you talking about? Co-ed baby. Nice. It was just us being like, you know, you want to go out with her, but she's disgusting and she's always on her period. Just like spreading remits. So that's very anti-women. Yeah, you get it. Well, we're all, they're all plus and holes, okay? We're all stupid slots and holes. That was the opposite example. Harry, what's your favorite thing about Edinburgh? I love that you can look at a building from like the 1600s and then right next to it is the TK Max. Nice. I think it's like it's just, it's so complex, it's layered and dynamic. You're right. And also the people are really nice. Like I have a thing that I've spoken about

publicly before, baristas are really mean to me in most cities and I find here everyone's just really nice. Why do you think that is? I think it's because of how my face looks and so you mean beautiful no I think just like sour puss yeah you're sure it's not because you're so beautiful no I think people are like she's a bitch and we're just going to go with that thing I got to say as a barista for many years I would have been vile to you and I don't like that I would have why but I have a feeling I need the psychology okay do you mean to tell you why it's because she's hard it is because you're hot it's also because I think that I would assume that you are on your way to a modeling shoot.

So I would assume that you need me to do it fast. And because of that, I would go so slow. You cannot assume things about people's lives. And I would, I fucking can and I will. And then because of that, I would make it with my mouth wide open, just like, just to try and freak you out. And then I'd say, have a nice day. Okay.

Well, I guess that's what's been happening. From now when I order, I'm just going to say, just you know, I'll have an ice latte with milk. I'm not on my way to a modeling. shoot so just take your time yeah that will make them like you better it will endear them it will endear them to you i do that and they love it like i guess you have to specify they have hard days i do feel that you know what if people in the service industry if they're being mean to me makes them makes their day better then that's actually a gift i'm giving them and it's actually fine that is a

kindness that is a kindness i don't feel that way actually at all i feel like if i'm in a coffee shop i'm probably on the verge of tears so let's all be nice to katherine yeah what's happening. You cried at the Christmas tree shop or something? Oh yeah, yeah. Are you not crying all the time at the fringe? I cried last week, but I was actually, I cried at the flick. I tried because Zion Chorley's song was so moving that I just could, I was brought to tears. And that was the night, that was the night where I said, I understand the fringe now. That was the turning point for me last week. It's milky. It's when you look in milky's eyes with Diane Chorley, it just hurts. And the songs are like so, like, I don't don't know. It was the one about, I think, being a queen or something, like, about people who

are, like, in communities where they're not accepted. I mean, my, I mean, my God, I'm on, I'm, that's that. Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, I've been so nice. Also, I feel like the, okay, I've done some festivals in the States, and the hang is a lot more fun here. Oh my God, I'm really glad you said that. What do you, okay, so I just, I don't know if I've mentioned it. I went to Montreal, guys. And the hang there is largely people handing out their own business cards in the foyer of a hotel. Well, it's much more industry. It's much more industry. And I feel like here it's just comedians, like, we're all working hard and we just want to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. And we want to just sort of like not be with the industry. Because like up in Edinburgh, like the whole vibe is that they are judging

you and they are picking who's going to be successful over the next year. We try to ignore that that's fact, but it is. It's just such a big part of it. So it's like, why do we want to hang out? out with you when you are consistently judging us at all times right and it's just i don't know they don't know what we're going through which is like you said volunteering to come to an arts festival for 30 days straight which is so cool are you but you also did the ping pong i did the ping pong with congratulations on going to the final second oh my gosh well done are you a sporty girl no no it's so random i i had a ping pong table growing up so i'm decent at ping pong i will say everyone kept me like you're so good at ping pong i'm like no

Everyone else was just really bad. I was also in that tournament. It sounds like you hustled them. Like, oh, did I mention I have a ping pong table at home? I'm not fucking mad. I just think you was bitchy. Were you bad? No, I was really fucking good.

So Neil Patel wasn't doing fucking anything. No, it's hard with the doubles. Because if there's one person that's like decent and one person is terrible, then you really are going to lose. So who would you say was good on Helen's team? You were good. I was really good. Brittany was great.

They put up a great fight. Oh, yes. And then David and Lou ultimately won. But my first round was against David and Lou, who were the ultimate winners. So I'm saying, like, I also came second. The first week I did it, I did against Christopher Bliss. He's like Olympic level. Shut up.

Yeah. It was really, really hard. This is what they don't tell you is that there is a group of them who break into a school. And they did this every week throughout lockdown. What? They break into a school. Who did it? And I will tell you afterwards who they are, because one of them works.

to school and through lockdown they broke into it and played ping pong in the main hall consistently. They were just training for the comedy ping pong. This is what it is. They have been training. This is including Ray who hosts it. Ray also plays consistently in Surrey Keys in a sports shop

there. What the hell? And he invites people to come and meet up with him and play like they are doing this year round. I did get scammed and I was embarrassed but you know what? It shouldn't be. I will say and no it was embarrassing. Losing early Losing early was kind of nice because I could go home.

Yeah, that is. That's what we did. Me and the snail's sort of sculled away. Who are you staying with? Are you staying with other comics? No, I'm just by myself. Oh my God, she's smart. Yeah.

She's smart. I knew I needed somewhere that was just quiet. Yeah, that's fair. That is completely fair. How is your... What? Six other comedians. No.

No, I know. No way. That's not legal. I know. You're in a model apartment. You remember the model apartment. Is America's next to model? Yes!

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. We've all got it. and disorders. And if we don't, then you've got to get one because it's in fashion. You better get one. Loisinawrexx and one bulimic. It's going to get chucked out in season four.

Do you know what I mean? While you tell us, you're in the house. I'm loving it so much. It's a lot of secret eating in our rooms and pretending that there's no rappers in the bend. Yeah. Sounds really healthy. I'm thriving. That sounds good.

We both saw your show. It's amazing. Thank you. It's so good. It's fucking incredible. It's my favorite pigeon joke of the fringe. Pigeon joke. Yeah.

Which one's that? Opening. which one in the chimney oh my guys is no even i was like what the fuck is katherine talking about it's birds in the chimney oh i made a pigeon in my head i'm so sorry i love that you added a creative spin i'm so sorry um no that is my litmus test for the show if people don't laugh at birds in the chimney then i know it's going to be a really hard hour that's fair it's horrendous because that is within two minutes but i've noticed that if people don't laugh at that the crowd just like does not want to to be there. And that's okay, because you have to have challenging crowds here at the French

sometimes. I'd be interested to see that challenging crowd. Because when I saw it, it was just like, you were there on a good night. It was, but I can't see how it couldn't be that fire. I want to say the first Friday that I was here was arguably, no, not even arguably. It was downright the worst show I've ever had. No. Yeah. Because did you feel it was you or did you feel it was them or a bit of both? Maybe it was both. I mean, the show definitely was still being tweaked. And so now, I think the version you saw is like the final final version which is good um but i yeah i was like that night i came home and i was like maybe i will just cancel my run no no you've got a question but like i said it's a highway you know it's like there's curves there's twist turns sometimes you have to get off in an exit but i stayed

have a little sit at a service station have a thing about your life mm-hmm mm-hmm i'd run the other day that was like that just sort of like i just could not get the atmosphere going it was weird from the moment i walked on stage no i can't imagine that just based on your energy. And I will see both your shows. It's an insistent energy. It's an insistent energy. But I can't imagine your show not being just like so like popping and high energy.

No one can because it's like you know when you're just sort of like you can hear the audience and you're like they don't sound quite right. So I was like, okay, well we'll see what happens. And then the front of house staff were like, well, there's 10 people missing. We've bought tickets. And it's like, well, it's so hot in there. We've got to start. I can't leave the people sit.

That's the thing. Let them all in together. But instead they came in and ones and two. So I had like five false starts. someone's phone went off and I was like I'll give that here better not be important

he went it's my heart surgeon and I was like I'll kill myself I will kill myself What accent was that? That was Scottish How are we supposed to know then?

How would we possibly It was my heart surgeon Oh my God Heart surgeon I got that That's dead If it's anything What is that?

That's like what was my heart surgeon Well you remember You remember it At Patti Power You were there When the guy stood up during my set What?

In Ireland Oh my God I was. This guy stands up in the middle of my set. I'm talking about a festival in Ireland, so I'm already ashamed of anyone was anything other than nice to you. No, no.

It was lovely, but someone stood up in the middle of my set in the second row. He's just standing there. In like a thousand seater. And I go, are you, are you okay? He's like, yeah, I'm just looking for something in my pocket.

And I was like, okay. Are you joking? But then I go, what is it? A vape pen? He's like, it's actually my diabetes needles. No, no, no, no. So then I was like, okay, well, obviously, I now have to suck you off after this.

Yeah, that's the only fair way to deal with it. But it was so, I mean, standing up to do that is crazy because obviously you're going to draw attention to yourself. But I mean, if you need your diabetes, you need your diabetes needles. But he was standing up for like, it was a good 60 seconds. I know, I allowed him the time to quickly find something and sit down. Right. And he was really futzing around.

So, you know, it had to be addressed. We don't say futzing enough in this country. What's a New York thing? Like when you're fudcing around, like if you're looking for, for like your chapstick in your bag. Like faffing. Faffing. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a Jewish twist. Fatsing. Yeah. I like it. We make up words sometimes and that's okay. I liked it. Yeah, I liked it.

I liked it. Whatever. What have you found about the friends that you didn't expect? I didn't expect that I would want to hang out with comedians to be honest. And that's not. Yeah, it's really fun. There's so many fun, like, girlies here.

Yeah, we've got a great group. The babes. The female comics in the UK are like legendary. It's really different vibes than the States. And obviously I have great friends there too, but especially now, a lot of people have moved to L.A., so I feel like when I go to shows now, there's also so many new comics in the States. So I'm really like going to my shows and leaving.

And it feels like after this show every night, I want to like see people and hang out and decompress. And so that's just been surprising. I don't think that British comics could be as competitive as American ones if they tried. That's a great thing. it's like this sort of toxic thing and it's not as good for camaraderie out. Can I tell you what I think it is?

I think you're too good looking. And I think it's a problem. I don't think clowns are meant to be hot, no offense. No, I don't. She says this to me all the time. No, I just think it's too many thin, hot people telling jokes. Makes people think that there should be a hierarchy

because those people have come from a hierarchy, namely school. Whereas everyone who's in British comedy was clearly bullied at school. Part from me. I thrived. Well, it sounds like you did.

I was like a head cheerleader. I was like a head chairleader. For myself on top of the pyramid, I broke a lot of dumb slats. Is that you encouraged other people while they got head? Is that basically? Yeah.

I hope to have this one day. The point is we are, we're clearly the cast-offs, I think. I disagree. I would argue there's lots of hot people in the UK countries. But in a cute, quirky way, not in an overt, I would notice that in the street kind of a way.

I disagree. Don't lie to us, Mary Beth. I disagree. I think there's a load of hoys. Don't make me. A load of hogs in America as well. I don't know why we're sort of like discounting this. Well, first of all, yes.

Tons of tons of hogs, as you say. Yeah. But I also think it's like, I don't know, with comedians, at least the way I look at them, well, it just, there's like comedy goggles. Because when you're funny, then obviously you're much hotter. So I think, I guess that's hard. I guess people are certain. So you're basing this of like comedy, but you've got to look at the country as a whole, right?

So there's certain American shows if you watch them, you're like, oh my God, everyone in America is crazy hot, same as in Britain. But I'm watching like. like, what's the one with their coupon in Queens and they run around the aisles and they've got to like get everything for as cheap as possible. Oh, supermarket sweep? There we go.

They're fucking disgusting on them. Oh, really? Yeah, no, that checks. Absolutely, like, direction of the air. I didn't even know that was still on. Okay, it is. And then there's like, the £100,000 sisters, Amy and Tammy. They're hot, but the sisters.

You have to stop watching it. I love American fat people shows. You guys do them so much better there than we do here. Isn't it just like exploitative? Yeah, but sure, but it's funny. Okay. Because the ones in the UK are really sad that like he got alcoholism. and then he gained all this weight.

In America, it's like, I don't know what I've always got chips on me. They're like, no, I eat couch cushions. Yes. They gain the weight because they eat couch cushions. There's like a whole show in America about women who just eat bricks. Yeah. Because they're like, I don't know what else to do.

I like the crunch. America is crumbling. Yeah. It's crumbling from the middle. It's crumbling. Literally. We don't have infrastructure. We can't build roads because people are eating the pavement.

No, you've got roads. You got like 66 one? We have some of them. Did you say that's 66 one? Yeah, there's one that's like. yeah it goes like through the country or something yes they have that one whole road yeah but it's long it's long it's it's pretty long yeah our highways definitely you know they make points we have a lot less roundabouts though oh that's nice we just we just list the differences i say trousers you say pants

i say french fries you say chips do i i don't know i do i do i do they do what do you say for we say crisps do we say chips yeah i knew that one already everyone but then the Fatsu fry truck at the fringe at the pleasant courtyard says fries so you guys need to sort of like come together a consistency you need to figure out what take pick a side I would well here they say fries for skinny fries and then chips for thicker chips also language is constantly evolving and changing as comedians we really have to be on top of that I agree also this from a woman who says futzing we can't really take your judgment you understand yeah I know my credibility is shot the thing is we're just models so we don't

know what we're doing. We don't have to be smart. We need to speak about this. So in your show you talk about being, let's face it, a child model. Well, attempting. It is so funny. It's incredible. I'm going to find a photo of me to show you. It's a little disturbing. Yeah. I mean, I think just the show is a lot about just how like being a child in the 90s rot in my brain. Yeah. And that is now just a part of who I am. But I think seeing, so some of the, some of the content that you see in the show, I actually hadn't seen in many, many years until the pandemic. Because I went home and, stayed with my parents for a while. So some things were unearthed in that

sort of time. You're lucky that your mom kept all of that footage or your dad. My mother taped Judge Judy over all of my childhood. Oh yeah, Judge Judy over everything. I like, Judith Shindland means more to my mother than any of my birthday parties. Let me just tell you.

So I don't have any birthday parties, but I do have this, which I really want to show you. So my mom ran an illegal drama school from my living room when I was younger. It was in my first show. So just to overview it, it was called the Alan Bauer School of Drama. She did it for extra money. She wasn't trained.

It was definitely not okay. But myself, my brother and sister went in it, they got kicked out because they didn't have the performance chops I did. But other kids would come over, give her seven pounds, and then she'd teach them how to improv. It was incredible. Kids doing improv sounds inherently very fun to me. So then when I turned 10, my mum's best friend who ran a foster agency, God bless you. My mum's friend who ran a foster agency needed kids to act out in tapes of kids who were being fostered.

in like scenarios so that prospective parents could be like what would I do in this situation what okay I was in these videos oh my god your first acting job I will post these on my Instagram when this comes out on Thursday this is one of me playing a young girl walking into a room and here we go oh a spin what what the foster I am 10 years old. They needed to be tested on whether or not how you should react to a kid saying, do you think I'm sexy?

That's the question? So I marched in in the tiniest little mini skirt. My mom was directing it and she was like, more horace styling and I was like, okay, I come in this tiny little tight dress. Do you think I'm sexy? And then it goes like scenario 39 and then the parents are supposed to discuss

what they would do if they adopted a 10 year old who was asking, do you think I'm sexy? Did that come up a lot? was that A foster agency to blame the children Like do you know how it keeps happening That the kids walk in and like You think I'm sexy right and that that's the problem

What's going on? No they were getting calls to the parents They were like um so Our kids keep coming in And they're just sort of like Like slutty and They keep asking if they're sexy And we don't know what to do. We're not prepared Yeah we don't want to knock their confidence but equally

It is insane what's happening But the best is there's other ones of me, like, being like, quickly, quickly, he's got a knife and he's going to kill you. Like, stuff like that. And the best one is clearly it must have been at the end of the day of filming. My dad had come back from work at the sewage plant. And he is, my dad is very autistic, does not want to have anything to do with any of this drama shit. They are divorced. He fucking saw that come in.

And he is to sit in a chair with a newspaper whilst me and my little sister are in pajamas going, kiss me good night. My daddy always kisses me good night. She's just there going, I'll kill, I'll kill myself. I'm leaving this fucking bitch. It is insane. Why were the kids being, why were they so, like, sexually needy? Yeah.

I think that I was just cast in that role by my mother, like, as a very needy child. Right, right. But I'm, I'm wondering, are the kids okay? The rest of them, I didn't know, the kids that were being fostered. Yeah. No, God, no.

Not okay. Do you know how a moment of silence? Maybe. I genuinely, okay, you know what? This is how out of loop of society I am. I genuinely thought we'd watch that and be like, ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, what it is.

What a mad fun thing. It is. Well, no, but it is, but it's also like, holy shit. You know what I mean? That's insane. It's insane. Didn't think for a second we'd be perturbed. I think you thought it was funny.

It is funny. It's insane. And that's, you know, it's just, it can be both. They're not mutually exclusive. Yeah, we can be concerned and bemused. Yeah. Did you not think I was sexy? What year was that?

I'm not answering, but what year was that? It was 10, so it had been like 2000, like around 9-11. Oh, like Marybeth. We're the same age, I think. Oh, like Marybeth, I'm happy to answer. No, I did not find you as a child sexy. Why go, why go neutral on that, Marybeth? Why?

You're so right. I just didn't want to acknowledge the question. Yeah, fair. Okay, I do accept that. Because it should go without saying, but you know what? But I also think, I think you're very sexy now. Thank you. I don't find you remotely sexy now.

I'm a very fuckable baby. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. You know what? We'll have a sip of water. I'll have a sip of water too. How's your fringe, Catherine? Really good, really good.

Everything's going fine, thank you. I'm having a lovely time. Good topic change. I am quite envious of Helen's. Helen is getting eaten out whenever she wants to be. Yeah, I did I sort of overheard, and this isn't a spoil for the Patreon listeners, but I heard that you had.

Yeah, yeah. So Helen has a beautiful system where she can, like, order it in, like delivery. There's a guy who I used to date a couple of years ago, and then he moved up to Edinburgh and like we're both still single so it's just sort of like a very yes it's a good delivery service and you're single but you're not getting out at the moment thank you for that harrowing reminder but I have I just to be clear no one wants your post I want everyone's listening to know where everyone's at and you're dating a very beautiful British man it's cool it's I know I know it doesn't sound possible but it is no I oh yeah I know what people are thinking when I say I have a British boyfriend but he is hot yeah his teeth are nice His teeth are nice. They make him hot.

Yeah. He is a fit one, isn't he? He's fit. He's great. He's not here with me at the moment, but he's coming next weekend. Is he nice to you? He's so nice to me. It's insane.

Never thought I'd find someone. But here I am. Why? You guys? I'm 31 and I was single for almost six years. With the same age. I was like, I think I'm just going to be good on my own. Can I just tell you that one of my favorite jokes in your show is when you talk about

being ghosted by a fedora wearing lesbian in her 40s? It makes me scream. It was really hard when that happened to me. Did it actually happen? Yeah, she was 41. What age were you? I think I was 28, which I mean, it was totally fine and appropriate, but it was just like, you never see that coming.

No! When you see a, like a fedora wearing lesbian, you just say, well, that's a safe, safe space. Yeah, she needs me. But it's not. Whoa. Yeah. That's crazy. Did you meet it, like Dina Shore?

We met at the cubbyhole. What's that? The cubbyhole is one of the only, like, lesbian bars in America. There's, like, not that many lesbian bars. What? It's, yeah, it was like, it was saved for the community during COVID.

That's so cool. Yeah. Is it in New York? What is the Coby Hall stand for? That I don't know. I mean, I guess it's probably, I think we can all get. A double entendre or something.

It's very clever. But that night, I was playing wing woman to my friend who is best friend. No, so my friend hooked up with the lesbian's best friend. And then now they're still dating, so. Oh, what a happy tale that links you to that other person forever. How nice.

I love when that happens. That's good. Well, I feel like your life is thriving. Catherine is thriving in her own way by pulling on her plat. Aren't your shows sold out? Like, isn't everything going well? Yeah, well, we were talking about this. Like, absolutely, yes, I feel very lucky.

And it's so nice that people are buying tickets to the show. Okay. Full stop. The fringe is hard. Oh, my God. No, it's so hard. I'm, like, sick. Can you hear my nose?

Yeah. I'm actually actively ill. Yeah, and also I feel this weird thing like a bit like at school where I'm trying to be like, I'm trying to be a good nerdy student who's like in bed early and does her homework and all that jazz,

but then I sometimes feel like personally attacked when other people go out and I didn't go even though I could have gone and was invited and I'm like, why are you leaving me out? Yeah. Which is so pathetic and childlike. No, I think it's, well, I don't go out that much generally, especially not after shows because I just want to go home

and go to bed. But I think being here, I've sort of like, given myself permission to just like run myself into the ground because I don't want to look back and be like oh I wish I went out those couple of nights maybe I'm not drinking every night I go out some nights I'm just drinking water also I remember like this is this your first time at the fringe right this is like a fourth fifth rodeo like it's not like it's like then I'll be going to bed yeah demoralized also good and that too inherently our shows end earlier right so like when you're out and like all adrenaline and ready to party it's six people are waiting for their show to start

6 p.m. That's the other problem. I can't stay out until 5 a.m. because my show's at 3. Your shows at 3. 320. Oh, wow. Okay, great. Well, that's good for me. It's a cracker on at the fringe. It's good for me. Crackers on. The American comics who come here often do incredibly well or have a breakdown. Which one do you think you'll be? Thank you for asking. Because no one's asked me that yet. And I know, it's time we talk about it. I hope you get a Netflix special. You know, I hope when I leave here, my show is the best it's ever been and I think it will be. I think it will be too. Isn't it like boot camp? Yeah and it's it's there's things that I knew I needed to change coming in and I just

didn't, I wasn't doing it consistently enough to be like okay I actually need to tweak this right now and I need to write a joke for it and replace it today. Yeah. So it's been really good to just like be able to put those changes in action really quickly. I agree. My show is now settling to where it should be like the day. The day Catherine came in my second day and I got so distracted I did an Irish accent for two for like 20 minutes. It was 15. 15. 15. It was 15. It was very. It was bad. I think the problem was what you said, not even the accent you said it in.

It was a lot of famine content. Interesting. That's not the problem. Once again, no comment. I don't, I don't know enough about the subject. But I think I'm... Wow, what a refreshing take on something.

Oh my God, I know everything about the Irish family. Do you have any questions? I actually don't. There's certain things where I think, you know what, that's not for me. It's not for me to know. It's not for me to know. It's not for me to comment on.

I respect it. Yeah. Like, I guess I was in Hawaii. and that's it. And that's all you need. Yeah. And it, you know what? The implications and what happened after? The film. Well, yeah. Yeah. It's good. She's good. She's so good. She's so good. To this day. To this day. She is. She's so beautiful. I don't know what levers and poly system she's using, but it is.

Whatever she and Lily Allen are doing, I would like to do that. Yes. Oh my God. I saw Lily Allen in the flesh. I was on a run. I was on a run in where I live. I was just about to say my address again. Got to stop doing that. And I was, um, I was just about to say my address again. I was running i looked like shit i was like dying along and then lily allen was just there on the canal with me and i was like open mouth just obviously breathing very deeply just staring and she looked so concerned for me and of but still beautiful oh my god she was exquisite she looks like that in real life she's so beautiful well she came out i went to glastonbury and she came out for olivia rodrigo and they look the same age they look the same age what the fuck so i don't know what she's doing but i want to do that

I've been told it's neck. Neck. What does that mean? Like, neck shows the age and everyone messes around with their face. But, like, Meryl Streep's just done neck. Wow. Merrill's done neck. How do you know?

I've watched an interview with her after someone told me she did her neck. And it looks like she's done her neck. Oh, my God. I got Botox right before I came. Just a tiny bit, just in the forehead. I love a bit of Bottox. Just a little bit. I love a bit about dogs.

I think it's fine and it's okay and women are beautiful. You do whatever you want with your body. I think both are fine. I also think. like it's fine to not but I am I will be honest much more confident when I have it which is probably pathetic but um but it's where whatever you know I'm more confident when I've got a muffin in my bag like everyone has their own thing yes yes yeah actually that's probably true of me too can I have both can both be true you feel more confident with food in your bag yes yeah it's just

weird I just feel safer yeah safer safer that's like a mania you never know you never know Andrew we need to do a problem oh my gosh yeah I've tried to segue to it like five times and Catherine and Marybeth have cut me off each time. It's been fucking bullshit. Maybe it's positive vibes only. What's the problem? Are you okay with helping us solve a listener problem? She's being a bitch to me.

Is no one going to jump in? I mean, the natural order of things have finally found themselves. I'm so glad. You can wait for your fucking coffee. See, this is why I wouldn't. Right, you know what? Welcome to the UK. Thanks, babe.

You're welcome, babe. Come on, let's have a listener problem. Who are we talking to? Oh, you're talking to? Oh, you're talking to Elle. Hi, Elle. Elle says, hi, I'm Elle, I'm 17 and so very, very gay. 17 and very, very gay. Good for you, Elle. We love that. I've done the gayest thing anybody can do.

Fallen in love with my best friend. I just got chills. I just got goosebumps. 17 and best friend, here we fucking go. We met a few months ago, but only really got close this past month and we really hit it off. And basically, it's been a whole month of pining. I think he actually likes me back. but the thing is he got out of a long-term relationship around three months ago and he's still dealing with that. I asked him to hang out next weekend and it's our first time hanging out one and one and my friends are saying it's a date but I'm not sure.

We flirt but I don't know it's still confusing and scary. My main question is how do I go about making my feelings clear? I haven't been incredibly subtle but I want to talk about it with him. I just don't want to put too much pressure on him as he's still figuring out his own stuff with his ex-girlfriend. Oh my God. I know he's queer so that's not a worry. I just don't know how to work up the courage to try and make a move

because I'm scared he won't reciprocate. Loving the pod, I've been busy listening all week and recently joined the Patreon. Always brightened my day. Thank you, Al. Have we had a 17-year-old patron? Yeah, so, thank you, Al. You're going to learn a lot.

I'm also like, is that the wrong way around? Shouldn't we be sending 17-year-olds? No, we shouldn't do that idea. No, we definitely not know. As well, there's a whole vibe in the room for all of us, being like, you're 17 and you've fallen with your best friend and you don't even know if it's a date. I think everyone knows that.

moment. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. So sweet. The simplest thing to say is, like, you have to ask, is it a date? But there's no way you're going to do that because you're 17 and that's way too vulnerable. So you need to get one of your friends to find out. And inevitably, he will be like, I don't know, whatever. Well, yeah, you know what? As a 17 year old, that, that is a good, it is a good option. Because you, I feel like you do a lot of back channel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what, well, watch Heart Stopper first of all. Oh my God. Maybe that'll make you feel brave. But also I feel like saying a lot of the stuff that is in that email would be good to just say to the person. Oh, that's smart.

Do you think a 17 year old would be able to do that one? I don't know, but I feel like 17-year-olds are built different than when we were 17. There's like way more like support from the community, you know, and they're the future. They have. Oh my gosh. They have heart suffer. Are we serious? No one else is going to pick up on the.

That was obviously crazy American. It was crazy. Sorry. Like the optimism and that was. No. start healthy communication now I think okay that's what I'm saying but you're 17 like as someone who asked out people from the age of 13 like directly asked them out it is not fucking easy and I feel like the older you get into your teenage years the harder it becomes because the more self-aware you

are also like these things at 17 you're going to go to costa and he's going to be there and he's going to be with someone else making out like these oh my god why would you say that to the 17 year Because this is a shit that happened. Yeah, so I'll be honest. I don't have any reference point for this because despite the fact that I was also hell-a-gay at 17, I didn't kiss anyone until I was 19. And the idea of approaching any of this is insane

when you probably have exams to focus on. Let go of the exams. Are we talking about those? Are we talking about those? Okay, I will allow it. Thank you. Marybeth, good point. While we're on holidays, we can engage with this

as long as you've done your GCSA. Nope, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, as long as you've got your summer reading done, let's talk about the deal what i did don't go uni serve coffees to them okay it's a lot of yeah wait i love i love the i love the obsession on gcsses that's we don't have it in america and it's just like it's such a touchstone for everyone in this country we don't have them in arland either i don't i don't know what they're talking about yeah wow okay it's just funny exactly i mean it didn't help her much but the point is GCSEs are important i don't think they'd be at a level stage

um here's the thing i can't start a rivalry with helen on the pod oh my god please do It makes so much then. It actually in many ways was inevitable. It's happened. Look at her. It's occurred. Look at her. Make eye contact.

The dynamic with three people is hard because it's always going to be two against more. Yeah. Well, Destiny's Child. There you go. You think you're Beyonce, don't you? I am, Yonce. Oh, that's crazy. Okay.

I bet's clearly Beyonce and I'm a Michelle if ever there was one. Thank you for having me. No, I'm the mum who did a documentary, the E True Hollywood Story of Destiny's Child, where she came up with the name of Destiny's Child by flicking through. a Bible and it landed on the word destiny. So did you say the mom in reference to Tina? Tina. No. No. No. There we go. The mom. The creator of every single costume they ever wore. Really? She hands stitched the survivor costumes. What are we talking about? The mom. She's the star. Okay. Fair play to Tina. Maybe this is something Elle could do is just like have kids really early.

Tina's the perfect example of the fact that even the best women will be cheated on by scummy men. She was cheated on? Yeah. Is no one following the backstory? Am I wrong? I have heard that yet. I have heard that. Not her. Oh, wow. I thought you guys were raised in the 90s. This is insane. Back to L. I'm so much to know.

Back to L. Back to L. Look, I think you should just go and vibe it. I agree. No, absolutely awful. No, because I actually think that when you make a 17-year-old assess what's actually happening out loud in the daytime, then they will shut down. He's just going to be like, no, stop it. Sorry, no, what?

Why would you out? Because it sounds like you're not sure. and they want to assume that you are. But vibing it means you're going to go on five dates where the other person isn't sure of it's a date either. No, I don't think you should vibe it for five dates. No. I think you should vibe it for one date.

And then maybe at the end of that date or leading into the next hang, you can have like an honest conversation. Because also it's like hanging out with someone one-on-one might make you feel differently or there might just be like a different dynamic. So, oh, you think that Elle might get there and be like, I'm actually not into it.

Well, or maybe it's just like, I don't know, maybe it's just like so palpably friend vibes. Because I think the other thing is like, if the person's only been single for three months, you can just sort of like see where they're at because they might not be ready. Teenage three months. I was going to say three months is years as a teenager.

He's good. Yeah, I don't think he like, maybe he doesn't need time to process, but maybe he's just like, oh, being in a relationship as a drag, you never know. If you're in England, though, I feel like the best thing you could do at 17

is to drop out of all your current AS studies courses and send up to every single one that they're doing. No. So you're in all the same classes. No. And try that being there tactic. Absolutely. You've got to stop calling a being there.

You do me. No, being there is such a thing. Being there is a thing. What? Why are you encouraging? I'm not saying I agree with it. No, no, no. I'm not saying I agree with this.

This from a woman who's like the Edinburgh fringe when she lives in New York. Oh, I see what you're up to. No, no, listen, when I have noticed this, I have noticed this in a lot of relationships when a boy and a girl start dating, it's because the girl is simply following him around. Yeah. I'm not saying I think it's healthy or good. But I have seen relationships start that way. and it's a marriage and then again you know how did you get together with your boyfriend being mine

being there well he he DM me on Instagram and then you just moved to the UK no no he came to America first okay I was very um you know we did we did things above board it wasn't it wasn't a it wasn't a being their situation but I'm just saying I have observed that many times all I'm saying is that's an option like if you think you know what you want to do as a career you don't so drop out of everything sign up for what they're doing and just be there 100% of time could they maybe move to a different country Helen? That's always my advice for the drama and attention. If Helen is rejected, she will move to a different

country. Look, I think what you're doing is very cinematic. Thank you. Thank you. It fucking is. It really is. Like, I don't speak the language, but then I have to learn out. Yeah, no, it's like I think people should be making more decisions just based on like, is it cinematic or not. What would look good in a book? Yeah, a book or even the film. The film. Oh my God. gets it you know what we've really had a turnaround yeah wait maybe maybe maybe i'm the problem maybe i'm the problem i think i'm okay to have different opinions that's what podcasts are all about

that's what we're learning should just say good luck to ell and please let us know how the vibing out goes because i feel that's the one you're going to go for sorry you actually think it's better if they like meet up for a negotiation on what it is beforehand no i think send a friend in okay but what if their friends are like you good people No, good people who mean well, a little abrupt, shall we say. But we'll get the answer. For example, I adore you, Helen. But if I fancied somebody, I would not send you to find out if they fancied me.

Why? To hear that you would terrify them out of having anything to do with me. You understand? That's interesting. You know what I'm saying? Right? Because I do understand what you're saying. I do understand what you're saying because it would be like, I grab their hair and, like, pull them back and be like, you want to fuck it?

Do you want to fuck it? Yeah. you want to fuck it yeah because it's game it's game refer to as it make it an object because fucking people love objectifying things yeah well that's true and I do it all the time one thing I will say to L is that if you're you're so young 17 in a not patronizing way so if this doesn't work out you have a long life of love ahead of you and also yes or not I haven't had a relationship and I'm 31 so like you could also just be incredibly lonely I know I think we don't time.

I finally let's have We actually have plenty of time. We got a half an hour. I used to date someone who lives here, so you have had relationships. Oh, dated? Yeah. I wouldn't say it's a relationship.

That's also part of the problem. I refuse to call things relationships because then it feels too real. Do you want to have a relationship? I don't know. Yeah, see, I think that's, you talk about not ever having had a boyfriend, but as if it happened to you,

but I think maybe you don't want one. Should we just go right now? Look, the truth is, I mean, I unpack this a bit on stage. at the moment, and I feel like we've discussed it on the podcast before, but I will only fancy them if they really think I'm disgusting, so then I can be the victim and get rejected. Do you fancy me? I used to.

I have wanted to. I don't want to out anyone on the pod. Are you? No. What's your... Oh, I'm straight as fat. She's the straightest person you've ever missed. That's so interesting.

Ever. It's so interesting to meet straight women in this day and age. I think it's cool. Thank you. Yeah, it's really cool. Thank you for saying. It's exciting to meet me. No, yeah, of course.

Well, I was excited to meet you just before I even knew that. So now it's even just more exciting. But I think that's so interesting. Yeah, guys are, you know, they're there. Their company is tricky. Yeah. Well, everything, yeah. So, like, for my first formative years, you know what?

We're going over around. For the first formative years in my life, I would only ever be attracted to gay men. And I feel like I got stuck in that for so long because their chat is so much better. Well, there's a lot of guys these days who present as gay. I know. And they're dating women. Yeah, but they don't want to lick me out still.

Well, you don't know that. Have you met all of them? I'd say a good percentage. Because my mom told me when I was younger that the best sex she ever had was with a gay man. So then it was very much in my head. That's a terrible lesson. I know, I know.

But that well, yeah. This coming from the woman who also slept with one of the teachers from Grange Hill and one of the guys from the Mr. Musil advert. Wow, she's been around. My mom's had a good time. Can I just tell you that yesterday a woman left my show, M, you will recall this, and stopped in the middle of my cue

and kind of drew me into her and said, I'm 65 and I want you to know that I'm having the best sex of my life. I'm finally fucking 30 year olds. Was she fit? Yes, she didn't, yeah.

For 60, I thought yeah. Yeah, and also her energy was confident. So it's very confusing. My point is that it gave me hope and fear and concern for the boys. Where are you at right now? I'm 34. But I meant relationship-wise.

Nowhere. nowhere relationship-wise. No, I'd say relationship-wise, you've had like two very significant relationships in the last like eight years. Oh, sorry, in terms of my personal assessment, I'm like very codependent. I'm trying to learn to not do that. Okay. So I'm trying to learn to be alone.

Okay. How's that? Horrible. I feel very uncomfortable and I don't like it. Who am I supposed to spend my money on? You're saying, babe, yourself. What? I'm Catholic.

Behave yourself. No, buy stuff for yourself. No, what would I buy it? I don't deserve anything, that's hideous. I am, I'm treating you like my wife. I'm just like. I'm absolutely thriving. Overely gifting my friends because I'm like,

what are I supposed to do with the disposable cash? It's idiot. Wait, but there's so many hot people in London though. Are you out there? Are you dating? I think that the challenges I don't think I'm hot and therefore I know it's boring. No, it's boring.

It's a very boring marriage. We're all bored. How we get you there to realize how, like, truly fuckable you are. more than I can say. But you're so confident. I'm confident in my profession, but like, and in my opinions,

but not necessarily in my body. But I think that translates. Helen walks into a room and is like, I assume everyone will want to fuck me. And she's right. And I wish I had that energy. I've got really big brass. Do you want to touch?

Can I? Yeah, of course. This is, oh, my God. I know, the weight is so reassuring. Isn't it really reassuring? It's like a weighted blanket for your hands. Oh, my God.

This is crazy. See, I just want, you heard in my show, I just want for a few. days. I just want to have massive jugs. Aren't they incredible? I can't. I mean, this is really something. You don't have to consent to this, but just so you know, Helen's superpower is the ability to measure any

woman's brass eyes by touch. I mean, I don't, there's not much to measure, but you're welcome to try it. Really? Helen, what do we learn from before? Do you consent? I consent. Oh my God. Isn't it teeny? They're really lush. That's such fun tinnies.

Also, I have seen them. lately so it's like I didn't need to touch particularly but you're 28A wow yeah is she good is right I mean I haven't wanted to cut bra in about five years good for you I just some of us don't need them I don't see the need I don't have them sometimes though okay I will say bra companies need to really come together and decide what a size is because it's hard sometimes you'll go get a fitting and then even within the same company you'll be like a different size and so that's tough so sometimes I'm a 32. No.

No. Was that back? No. Thank you so much for coming. You've been such a great gift. It's so lovely. What a way to start the day. Some stuff for us.

Yeah, please. So first of all, where can people come and see your show? They can come see my show at the Pleasance upstairs. At what time? At 8.30? Wonder about, are there still tickets left?

There's still tickets left. Get your tickets. It's really good. We've both seen it. We really enjoyed. Second question. You got another show. I have drag his ass on Saturday the 20th. An amazing lineup. And it's at 11 p.m.

at the Pousins, Joe. Amazing. It's possibly one of my favorite nights out. It involves shaming men. It involves venerating women. It involves Mary Beth in a, usually, let's be honest, very great outfit. Lecturing, which is apparently something I'm really into. Teaching is important, yes.

And it's always a good night out, and you always have great lineups. And then where can people find you online? At Marybeth Barone. And I just want to say one thing. At the moment, I'm being gaslit into believing that my name is her. to spell. And that's based on the number of misspellings that I have seen in the media these days. I'm so sorry to hear it. I got an email forwarded from my manager and it was requesting Mary Beth Baritone. No. And I just think, you know what? It's not that hard to spell.

The heart tone is incredible. That feels like you're, I was going to say your porn name, but it doesn't make any sin. No, it's just Barone. That would be Mary Beth Bone. Yeah. You know what? Spell it however you want, but if you want to find me on social media. I like Baratone. I do. I do. I'm sorry. I know. I've got a tricky surname to spell. Bauer? Yeah, I think it's so easy.

It's on, right. Isn't it B-A-U-E-R? Walk through the courtyard, look at the board, and it's always wrong. Apart from the day, you got my surname right, and they put H-E-L-L-E-N. No. Oh, I kind of love that for you, though. That makes more sense. But those boards are always wrong, and they keep listing Anya Magliano as Anno Magliano.

Yeah, I know. It was so mad, isn't it? It's just, yeah. It doesn't matter, matter, but I think there is, like, a little ding when it's like, oh, they didn't, couldn't just say, get it right. Well, thank you, Mary Beth Barrettone for coming a lot. Yay! Yay! Thank you.