Trusty Hogs - Ep49. CELYA AB / Rest, Ratatouille, & Rainforest Café

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

Back in London at last, and the superb Celya AB joins us fresh from a successful Fringe run. Celya is one of the best joke writers on the circuit and a rising star who has been soon on BBC 2, Comedy Central, The Guilty Feminist, and as tour support for Maria Bamford!Follow Celya: @ABCelyaThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie ChiversWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school deliciously with Whole Foods Market. Wake up with low-priced 365 by Whole Foods Market protein waffles and breakfast burritos. Prep lunch boxes quickly with 365 brand juice boxes, crackers, dried fruit and more. And look for sales on no antibiotics ever ground beef and chicken breasts that make meal prep a breeze. Shop best in class fines for back to school at Whole Foods Market, in store and online. Hello, it's September the 8th, three days until... September 11th. Welcome to Trustee Hoggs, where we talk about our perfect lives

and then we solve all your fucking loser problems. Yeah, we do. And we've got an amazing guest. Oh my God, Celia A.B. She's French. She's so French. Say chic. That means it's chic.

There you go. Thank you. Also, it doesn't have a QU in it, just to see. Mad. Thank you so much for listening. Enjoy the episode. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs.

Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs.

Trust the trusted. Or maybe not Helen First week of September We're finally able to wear Jumpers We're finally thinking jackets I think I'm going to be

wearing tights and boots soon You're in a literal Sundress with no bra on Do you want to First of all First of all First of all You can't just

Look down my top It's second of all You can't You can't Second of all Yes but I've made a terrible error It's raining I'm not dressed for the weather

I'm actually really hyped With the fact that we can wear tights soon I love wearing tights and boots. I wore tights yesterday. No joke. Gorgeous. I'll think about you next time I put them on. It's going to be so good, isn't it?

It's going to be so good. I wanted to talk you through some of my plans. Okay, great. It's September. It's a new school year. It's a new school year. Obviously, I think famously over the years in this podcast, I am better at taking a break than you.

I treat myself to the holidays. But now you're going to Ibiza, suddenly I feel like, well, if Catherine's going on holiday, I should go on three. Okay, good for you. Where are we going? Weekend and Pennzance. Nice. Sharing a carriage on the train with my sister.

My dad and my brother. When does the holidaying start? That's it. Okay. One night in Penzance and one night sleeping on a train to Penn's ants with the bow. Right, why does Em look like she's upset? Andrew looks like he's shit in himself and you don't look happy either. It doesn't sound restful, but I think it's good that you're doing that for your family.

So Michael Bauer turned 70. Oh, of course he did. And this is the trip. Is his girlfriend coming? No. Okay. I don't know if she was invited. Oh.

Don't do that reaction. I hope she doesn't listen to the podcast. As if she listens to the podcast. If you do listen, Marie, hello. And I'm glad to hear that you have a very special connection with my father. Please stop it. Stop. Okay.

So that's one. Please tell me the others because I need to feel more hope for you. Well, that's it. That's the relaxation holiday. Because I'm starting my tour. So I'm literally going back to Edinburgh in two weeks. No. Don't.

I know. And the worst thing is, it's like, I've got such a busy week. I'm doing Edinburgh, Glasgow and Aberystwyth, which for anyone who's international, is like the, like, as far into Wales as you can get, basically, on the West Welsh coast. So it's like Edinburgh, Glasgow, Wales, and then coming back and I've got like six hours at home to then go to Penzanne. And I was like, okay, well, at least I'll rest on Monday and Tuesday. And then, you know, lovely Ros from Excess Malarca. She texted me and she was like, do you want to come do? So Exodus Malarkey is a wonderful gig in Manchester.

She was like, do you want to do our birthday gig? And I was like, oh, it's a bit of a tricky one. I got a lot of travel that week. And she went, it's going to be a Pokemon trading night as well. So A-Caster has just been in Disney World. And he is going to come back over and he's in Manchester. And he's caught doubles of all these like rare Florida Pokemon for us. So now I've got to go a day early to go to Manchester.

Stay over. Have you got to? And then, yeah, because it's three new Pokemon. But have you got to? Yeah, because otherwise, how would I get them? But you could just not have them in distress. Oh, we could advertise with Disney. It's your choice.

You pick. Fine. Okay, good. Have a great time. That's all. That's my rest. I'm going to get three Pokemon in Manchester, then go to Edinburgh, then go to Glasgow, then go to Abarisk with, and then go to Penzance.

If you think about it, it's top and bottom of country. If you're listening and you live in those places, go see Helen on tour. It's a really good fucking show. Oh my God. Oh, my God. It's a really good for my tour. Really good. And also, will you be at the hotel at some point?

Yes. November. also you have to come to the tour because I had my first meeting about it and I've sold no tickets to Norwich none and I've never been so I think it's going to be fucking devastating

I'll tweet about that because people from Norwich came to my show and I think if they like me they'll like you so I'll tweet please please if you are in Norfolk or maybe not Suffolk they're weird there no offence no offense no offense give me six I'm all right I think you should make little individual videos for each place

It helps. Individual videos. Yeah, it helps. Really? And then the theatres can promote that on their website. I don't know. Okay, part of me thought it'd be quite funny in Norwich for shop and I just do it to like the elderly crew.

Yeah, but they will still be, but you should try to get some tickets sold. But please, please come to the tour show. On the plus side, when we were looking through the tour ticket sales, we were like, oh, Bristol and Brighton have sold really well. And I was like, do you think that's because there's lots of lesbians there, listen to the podcast and everyone in the meeting went silent and then just went, yeah. I was like, this is amazing. This is amazing.

So is there not a lesbian community in Norwich? I don't know. I assume there would be because wrestling with my family is set in Norwich. And also there is because they came to my show. So come on, there has to be. There has to be. There has to be. But anyway, it's going to be great.

Your tour's going to be amazing. I have to say I am very pleased to be finished, finishing mine. Wait, you've still got more day? I have one reschedule and one. I'm going to do one big. London date in December? Wait, define big. I can't yet.

I can't yet, but I don't... It's the O2. No. It's the O2, Andrew. Me and Beyonce, baby. No, it's going to be hopefully just one big room. I'll support you at the O2.

If you're asking, I will support you at the O2. No, but actually, maybe you could open for me at the other room. Is it, is it Wembley? No, it's not Wembley. Can you stop? Yeah. Can you stop? Is it the aquarium?

You stop ruining it? No, no, no. Anything I say will be disappointing there. Okay. I'll let you know when I know. I'll be there. What day, what day? I'll let you know.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Get off my dick. Christ. That's a really beautiful visual for me. Me just like really holding on to Catherine's dick. Get off my dick. No, I like it here.

Anyway, yeah. I'm milking it like. So you need more, you're disgusting. You need more rest and that's fine. Maybe when I'm finished this big job and you have a little break in your tour, we could go to like a spa for the day. Oh my God. Would you be into that?

Would you be into it with me? Yeah, so much. Spars are the ones with the pools where you can't jump in and stuff. Yeah, and no weighing. I know, but they also have... Everywhere says no weighing, but...

Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean, though? There's a nice one in London I could take you to. Oh, the one in Covent Garden called Sanctuary that sell products at boots. No. Oh, no, which one? I've just heard about it.

I'll plan it if you tell me when you're free. I'll surprise you. Well, if we don't do this episode now. What? No, not now. Okay, not now. We're going to do the episodes. Yeah.

Oh my God, also was Annie, our producer who gave us, who gave us the money for a hogs night out, which was so cute in Edinburgh. What? Yeah. A gorgeous amount of money so we could all go out for a night out. Okay. Well, was anyone going to let Helen know? Yeah.

So I was thinking like, sorry, yeah, she gave us. I know. Okay, I know what I want to do with that. No. Okay. What is it? Okay. Well, I actually was going to say one thing.

Okay, what were you going to suggest? Because I'm not paying for it and because I know you've really wanted to do for a while. Babba Gump shrimp. Not Bubba Gump shrimp. One step up. Rainforest Cafe. I'd be willing to go Rainforest Cafe.

M. and Andrew? Andrew would love it. Don't even try it. Obviously Andrew would fucking lose his mind. And Emma's two years old for all intents and purposes. Come on, you'd love the Rainforest Cafe. Staff 9-9-8? Rainforest Cafe?

Em, it's so good. basically you go into the dining room and it's like being inside of a jungle with loads of animal animatronics and then like every five minutes when you're eating there's a rainstorm and a stampate okay great five minutes like I think so have you been to the Frankenstein bar in Edinburgh

yeah that's a great one yeah okay let's do that that would be actually magical gorgeous we'll book it in but I feel like rest wise I will I will sleep when I'm dead wow good for you sound like me have we swapped I will sleep when I'm

No, I just think like Granted I'm going on tour But like Yeah, you know what? I heard you need to rest Yeah, I think you. Hey, it's cool. Hey, oh my God I meant to ask you, did you get your vass back? Yes! In one piece? And Samil Patel loves it. Yes. He does? I'm so proud of you.

And then, oh my God, basically I have to tell you this. For context, should we explain? Did I, we already explained? After he bought me a vase? Who gives a shit? No, but in Edinburgh and then I was worried that you wouldn't be able to get it back And it matches your room. Are you keeping it in your room or in this common? Nothing kitchy. Nice. I'm really glad he likes it. Hey, well done.

Thank you. I told you I'd buy you some flowers if you got it back so I will. Can I tell you my thing now? Please. Okay. So we get... I love that whenever I'm talking, you are just waiting to speak. Yes. Yeah. What am I going to be doing?

Listening? Huh? Never mind. Leave it. I basically... No, Catherine. I was just checking if our guest was here. Go on. No, no, no, no. So I get, I got... I get to London.

I get to London. very excited to watch House of Dragon okay which is like the 200 years before Game of Thrones Yeah yeah Start watching it with Little Sinele Patel on the sofa

Try a cuddle He's not having any of it Really violently pushes me away We get a blackout What is this? The 90s It was mad We were in a blackout

For five and a half hours No joke Like literally like two nights ago Was the rest of London in this No it was just like my area I'd say like we were in the centre of it, my area. But the hospital still stayed on for fuck say, taking all the electricity. That feels, that feels right.

That feels right to me. So I got out of the candles and then immediately realised that most of them are scented. We were living in like some sort of like Christmas vanilla dream. And we both got very confused. And then I got really scared because like as soon as I'm in the dark, I just think of like the most scary situations I've ever been in my life. Don't you? I'm going to be chill.

So as soon as I'm in the dark, And also remember, this is like full on sensory deprivation for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the TV's off. There's no sound. There's no light. And Sineal will not talk to make it better. So as soon as the lights go out and it's a power cut,

I like grab him and I'm like, you have to announce yourself every room you're going into. You're not allowed to leave until I found candles. Like you cannot. You know what? And I basically put him in the garden like an animal. So he couldn't scare me. I immediately opened up a bottle of booze to go sit in the garden with him.

We managed to figure out some candles. and then it was just horrendous. What did you drink? Recorded leg, strawberry, and then I got acid reflux and I'd have a runny. God, you're disgusting. It was a nightmare. And then I tried to have a bath

because I thought candles in the bath it wouldn't feel like I was in the dark. No hot water. Oh, no, that is how that works. Yeah, that makes total same. Yeah, we were very sad about it. We didn't believe it, so we had to go back and try a hot water again.

Still no hot water. I'm sorry. And then, and then, and then, and then, so Neil kept him trying to, like, run away from me and hide. And I was, like, screaming. because you ever do that thing when it goes dark when you just think, oh, what scares me the most

in this situation? Where did your brain go? Women and black. Always woman and black. Really? Yeah, because I don't want to see the woman in black's face because then your children die. Yeah, that's bad.

You don't have any children. No, no, but like if I had children. Also, I've got the spider babies. I've got my babies. It doesn't feel like you're going to have kids anytime soon. You never know. I guess. Hey, how was your sex in Edinburgh?

Good, withdrawal method all the way, so nine months from now, baby. Hey! You know what? I would actually help you raise a child if you wanted me to. Oh my God, are you serious? Yeah. Why do you think I need to help? Just like the child's welfare.

And also, I think that we'd be good co-parents. I'd have such a robust baby. Like, it could have... It would need to be hardy. Another child could sneeze in its face, and it would just be like, no stress. like you would just constantly have a cold yeah it would be pretty flemy I'd say I think I have a really bouncy baby as well

I don't imagine me having like a very thin sickly baby it wouldn't be a petite bub no it'd be like a proper big bowler it would be a tall baby yeah she'd come out with like a proper back yeah I agree but I would love to help with that

I've heard like the first four months when I could actually lift it I'm going to call her Catherine don't you dare come on Catherine oh I've got it on me don't you dare don't you dare

call her call her. I love you mommy. Don't you dare. Don't you dare give that child the love I have been fucking begging you for. Oh, Kathwin. But the thing is baby, baby, you six. Yeah, I suppose. Also, loving in Edinburgh, how many people you told that you're six to? Oh, I was really not well, was like, I was enchanting the amount of times she went, I'm six. I was so tired. When, but the thing is that happened to everyone who was living in your house, when you start to like regress because of exhaustion, that is, when you meet Helen at her point because literally everyone who lives with you was like

gotta go do showy and I was like what the fuck you're at all did you notice that too yeah yeah Sunil was doing that all the time Sir Neil or Sunil tells us a lost game for him he refers to Jackie Cody going home to watch TV on Sophie yeah he's a nightmare

but Mickey Ovenman Patrick Spicer Neil O'Rourke yeah Rill Rowland why can't I say Neal O'Rourke and Real Roland and Heidi all of them were just sort of like how was showy today yeah you broke them Oh, did we get nice money in the Bucky? You really brought them.

You did. It was amazing. It was adorable. We're going to bring on our guests, which I'm really excited about. As it is new school year, September, we're all excited. What is it that you're looking forward to before Christmas in terms of like your life? That isn't work. That isn't work.

Oh, I've got 10 hands. Okay. What else? I don't know if I should do this now. Go on. go on okay Catherine knew this

and she said it was fine before I get loads of hate online for this I'm going to wait to double check that that's true you would actively encourage this for everyone that saw my show so far thank you for coming

at the end of the show I said that pancake had died that was a lie a dramatic for dramatic effect for dramatic effect for dramatic effect

You encouraged it. It's a very funny punchline. Pancake lives on. Oh my God. Oh my God. We're talking about this. Are we talking about this? This isn't just exciting.

This is so proud of you. Helen, are you going to tell them what happens? What's happening tonight? Tomorrow night whenever it's coming out? Oh yeah, but that's work. Oh, right. That's boring.

Oh yeah. Pancakes making a TV debut tonight, which is last week for you guys listening to there. Because Helen's making her political comedy debut on Late Night Mash. I say Hitler, Pulpot and Mariah Carey. I'm a political comedian. I'm so proud of you. No, I compare myself to Hitler and Pulpast, so it's chill.

I'm so excited and proud of you. But Pancake's going to be on TV, but pancakes funeral I say it's the thing I'm most looking forward to because I feel like it's just like, let's get this hamster done in the ground. Hang on. What's said you right? But it's not dead yet.

No, but like, we're there, you know? The thing you're most excited for between now and Christmas. Is pancake getting put and out of misery? How is that? That's fucking. Fine, what are you excited about before Christmas, apart from work? Apart from work, I'm, what am I excited about? Putting on a bra, maybe.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I don't need one. What would I be wearing a bra for right now? What would it be doing? What would it be doing? I really want you to wear my bra once you've got the gas in. How would, it would be like a handbag? Yeah.

Let's do it. I, what am I looking forward to? I'm doing a half marathon with Chloe Pets. We'll share a link on how to sit. My dad's doing the same half marathon. No, Mr. Why? That makes me so happy. Okay, well, I'll share, can I share the link on the Patreon or whatever for us?

Yeah, please. And also, um, so I'm excited for that because I've actually signed up for half marathons before and not done them. Yeah. I really believe that Chloe Peth is going to get me there. Um, and I'm excited to, um, I'm really excited based on Edinburgh to spend more time going to social things and spending time with my friends. I really, really want to prioritize.

you're going to become like a weather spoons bitch I think I'm definitely going to become like a I just really feel like I stay in too much and I don't know why I do that and I get like overwhelmed like I'll ruin the next day or I'll hate it but actually

I always have a lovely time I'm willing to make a bad I have good friends that you're either going to become like a Soho Theatre hon I could see that for me like I really see that for you or go full Soho House Groucho I do not make that much money go full in

That's not me. No, but you're charming and you could definitely talk your way into a lot of places. I don't really like private members as far as. Okay, shall we do Soho Theatre then?

You can be there every single night in my run. Not every single. Oh, actually I will come to a lot of your run. You come to every night. Of course I will. Of course I will. Okay, I love you.

Oh, by the way, if you're, if you live in London and you didn't catch shows at Edinburgh Fringe, there are so many amazing shows at Soho Theatre. Like they basically bring all the ones, like a lot of them

that were great to Soho Theatre. And honestly, I saw so many amazing shows of The Fring. And there was also shit ones. Everyone's just talking about how good those were. There were, like, absolutely trash. But if people are, top three, what would you recommend they go to?

Top three? Oh my God, okay. I mean, I can't say it. Leo Reich, I saw it. I can't believe I haven't seen it. I cannot believe I haven't seen it. It's so fucking good. Okay, great.

It cannot be overhyped enough. Okay. One that I didn't get to see, but I am going to go see it so ho, which I'm going to plug anyway, Glenn Moore. Oh my God. Can I come with you? Yes. He was clashing with me and I love Glenn.

We always, like, me and my friends always go to see Glenn together at her theater. Yeah, so good though, so good. Can I come? Yes, obviously, and... Two white men so far. Who would be my... Oh my God, I'm the worst. Yikes, Helen. I'm the worst. Yikes, Helen. Diversified, Helen.

Yikes. Oh, God, it's so hard to pick. There's so many wonderful shows. I mean, Sally is our guess, but I also do want to see how... Yeah, me too. Should be good at that? Yeah, because I'd take it for in Edinburgh that I couldn't do it. Let's go to that. Selly is great. Selly is amazing. Well, okay, there's...

Selly R-A-B. Great. Done. That's three really good ones. Done. I absolutely adored Colin Holt's show. So good. I wept.

Well, I didn't weep, but I like got a moche. Oh, me, Andrew, Mr. White went in February. So good. It's such a beautiful show. The person I was with wept and I had a really lovely time. And also I am going to say it. I don't like sketch, but Britney's show is good. Ultimate clash with me, so I need to go see that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you would really like it. It opens with a musical number. It's very silly, I think you would enjoy. I do love Britney. Also, hmm. There was so much good stuff.

Tim K, I know, I mean, Tim Kee's show made me happier than I think I was All Fringe. Well, let's say Tim Kee. Yeah. All wonderful, all wonderful. But just go on the Soa Theatre website, but more importantly, like, just come see us. Yeah, and also if it's on a show of theatre,

it's probably quite good. You can take a punt on a new, actually. Yeah, but it's also, you never know, you know. Yeah. Anyway, thank you so much. We'll see you in a second with our game. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Oh my God. It's me. It's Helen and I'm going on my first tour ever. Oh, my God. It feels so weird. Like, even though I know I said I was going to do it ages ago, I'm now like, oh my God, I'm actually going on tour.

Tell them where you're going. So many places. Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberystwyth, Maidenhead, Norwich, Bristol, Manchester, Birmingham, Shrewsbury. Brighton, Cambridge, Nottingham, Oxford, Leeds, York, Liverpool, Leicester, Newcastle, Berlin, London's Soho Theatre. Bloody hell, no excuses. No excuses. I saw that show in Edinburgh. I'm going to go see it again in Soho. It's so fucking good. She's a genius. She doesn't need a microphone, but she is good. It's good. It's funny. It's loud. You'll have a lovely time. All the tickets are on my website at helenbauer.com.uk underlive. Please come join me on tour and please bring people with you.

because it's my first tour and it'd be really awkward if it's just me and one half. Only four and five star reviews? God, I guess it's actually really fucking good. No, I got a three and a half. You're top. Okay, you're only four and five star reviews.

Only four and five star reviews. We love her. I did get a three and a half from one guy and he literally did not understand the show and he was like, women were crying. I didn't get it.

Give a shit. Thank you so much for listening to my advert. You come see baby Helen. Paul is your Helen. She's only four. She's only four. Poor Fat Helen.

See you there. Thank you so much to all of you, particularly to our executive producers. I love the exact. They're the best. Simon Moores, Guy Goodman, Janina Batista, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harke Deacon and Oliver Jago. Also, huge thank you to our producers. Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bald, Neil Redmond,

Victoria Hudson, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van, Dyke, Kira Leach, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R, Anthony Conway, Sadie Cashmore, as you say. Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nicks, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah and Molly, Alex Pugh, Josie W, Amy, Cordelia,

Ria, Fink, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Sophie, Chivers, Chivers, Chivers, how many new producers? We've got a Helen! We've got a Helen! We've got a Helen! We've got a Helen! Oh my God, we've got a Helen. Do we have a Catherine? We don't have a Catherine. Isn't that so good?

Oh, my God. Catherine, this makes my heart so warm. I just spat on this phone. Rose, it's Andrews. And thank you so much to everybody who supports us on Patreon. Literally, anything you give us helps us so much to keep making the podcast. Do you know what? Rachel Page. We love making it, don't we?

What a great name. Ria Fink. Okay. Do we like making the podcast? I love making podcasts. Please keep supporting us and have a lovely day. Hi, Helen A. Okay.

I'm Helen B. That's mental. Mad. If there's a Helen C listening, please join us. Yeah. Thank you guys. Thank you. Welcome!

It's Celia, A, B. It's me, it's me. It's me. It's me. Say, Tuas. See, my. See, Catherine speaks French, so I feel like this could be the moment.

Not very well, and I get very intimidated around. Excuse me, I speak French. Yeah, but your French is, like, naturally good. Like, Catherine has worked for her French. I did do a degree. But, um... Je par French. Oh, which part of Bordeaux are you from?

Jevide an Big Mac. Hey, merci, B, B. That was good, come on. A B, I'm actually watching a show that's set in France at the moment. Which one? It's called Help. We bought a village. And it's on 4.

I've never heard of it. I think it's just me watching it. I think so do. Because it's new. And then, like, literally two days ago, Sineal was like, Oh, it says it's going to be disappearing off 4 O'D in three days.

I was like, also, it is just me watching it. It's like a fever dream. We've got to finish it. Also, you know what's coming soon is Married at First Site, UK? I'm excited. Here's the season. It started because I went on 4OD. Yeah, and they're already on honeymoons.

Fuck off. Okay, I need to just text several people. They've, like, it's literally, we've missed so much good, so help we bought a village, you would die, okay? So it's a lot in France. There's a bit in Portugal, bit in Spain. okay and it's British people who are like

we could buy a flat in London but instead we bought a village in France and they go to France and it's usually old people who have worked their whole life for money and then there's one couple on it who have just graduated from Cambridge Uni and they bought a whole village in Italy they've just graduated just graduated just do the right we just go to the fringe but they bought a whole village in Italy

but they buy these like says a couple that I bought a village in France called Lac de Maison And they call it Lactamazin. And it is incredible. I cannot recommend it enough. And they like, it's been their dream for two years and they arrived. And France had like so much rainfall overnight that their sewage all overflows. Oh my God.

I've heard about those Italian houses that you can buy for one dollar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Along that thing. So I think there was a big flood or something. Is that what happened? And so it's like a population in some regions because like the agricultural regions.

People have left because there's no jobs. They all went to the city. So there's like big swathes are like just areas that just completely unpopular that's going to like grow and like wildfires are becoming an increasing problem so they need to populate these areas. But you're from Paris? I am indeed. Which doesn't have a wildfire problem.

No, the houses are more than one pound. Yes, they are very much so. Pretty big brag there. I've got my finger on the pulse. Whenever someone says Paris, I always just think of Rattatooie. Do you think the same? Yeah, I've got a little route that does stand up for me. That's pretty cool.

Could you imagine how charming that would be? Absolutely. Every time I see a male comic with a cap on on stage, I'm like, that's not your material, mate. I am like, that is really annoying because there's so many male comics that perform with caps on and now all I'm going to be able to think of

is a little rat doing like, man, man, my girlfriend, such a cunt. Little Mike stand for the rat. To be fair, I feel like that was plausible for everybody at the fringe, because I don't know if we just came back from the Edinburgh Fringe that we mentioned it, but also, I don't know if you know this,

but there was a legitimate strike by the bin workers, which consequently meant that the city increasingly became covered. I mean saturated in trash, and I don't just mean new comedians. I'm talking like actual, actual trash. It was incredible. Consequently, what follows trash is ratis. Ratties. I loved it.

Oh, my God, it adds a bit of chisson to the fridge. It was apocalyptic. It was really apocalyptic. It took me way longer than most people to realize. It was like week. I was like, what's going on? What was your favorite garbage pile? Oh my God, my favorite one was

there was one not far from Palmyra and I walked past it. Oh my God, the things I've seen. Yeah, that was a good one. Catherine, favorite trash pile? There was a mattress outside the Pleasant Stone for a while under which

rats appeared to be eating dead rats. Yes! Okay, my favorite trash pile Nicholson Street, opposite the KFSA. on the square because it was all trash but because it was made up of mainly KFC buckets that then became their own bins and I was like oh my god each of these are a house for a different rat and it was just bucket bucket bucket bucket bucket central and I was so happy I saw a tweet by Jess Foster Q after she got back and she was just like so thrilled to be back in London did not anticipate that one of the things I'd be most excited about was all the roomy roomy bin

it's like yeah it's a pretty weird thing to walk in the street and be like you could put litter in a bin here so I left on Tuesday And on the Monday night, there was like the last night. I'd say you didn't run out on Monday? No, I left on Tuesday. I did the Monday. I did the last Monday at the fridge. I gave the worst show.

I was, so I was hung over, the most hungover I've ever been in my life. My period had just started. The aircon had broken. No. I called everyone in the audience perverts for coming on the last day. Correct. Cute. And I had, yeah, it wasn't a good show.

I'm sorry to anyone who came to that. But it's their fault as well. It's their fault. You come on the last day. What do you expect? First day and last day, what's wrong with you? Come in the middle. And then I was really hung over it.

And on the last night, at maybe 3 a.m., I was with a few comics, and we saw the bin men approach. And we all started clapping. There, they come over the hill. Yeah. They're, oh. That's actually, they should make a movie about that. That's stunning.

I was so happy. And I didn't recognize them at first. I was like, what's this magical car? is it a barrage and they were singing they were like they were singing like a musical they were like

I'm singing no fuck go you lie they were I can literally hear Andrew getting a bono in the corner like men coming

and singing whilst doing their way Andrew are you losing your mind I love it especially they had little tiny shorts as well no you're lying

now you're lying now you're lying they were actually singing they were actually singing Not about the shorts And were they like following the garbage truck Like Yeah

And the rats joined When you're a jet You're a judge And then they did cats but rats Yay So good It was a bit of that A bit of jazz hands

That's incredible How many fingers do rats have? Can we Google that How many fingers the rats have I'd like to have any fingers I'd imagine five How many spirits I'd imagine five

Four Four sounds about wrong Also, it's not, is it fingers, is it a paw? Is it a digit on a poor? Yeah, it could be a poor. These are things that are worth getting right. I feel like that looks, that looks right. Four?

Four. So they've got eight, no, 16 in total. So rats can, in theory, rats could do this. Ooh, I am. So in theory, rats could do this. Oh, I don't like it. I don't like it. No, stop it.

Both of you, stop it. I hate this. I hate it. I hate it. I'm having a terrible time. You didn't like the bin spray. I don't want to talk about the dexterity. My dad used to be a bin man.

Aw. Yeah, he loved it. Now he works in sewage. Yeah, but before he was a man, he loved it. It was like, days done at like eight. Did they pay well? Like being a bin man. And he was a bin man in the 90s.

Oh, no, 80s even. Because growing up, we used to have this thing where it was like, do you know how there's rumors that start in the town? Like, bin men are actually on a million pound a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. But those, I totally know those rumors. Like, they are actually earning like a thousand pound

the week. So this is why we shouldn't tip them at Christmas time. My mum love tipping the bin man at Christmas time. Like, my dad loves to give them whiskey. No. He'll chase them down the road of the bottle of whiskey. My mom chases them down and they're always like really young men and she's like, here you go. Here you go, boys. It's like, what are you doing?

She's 70. Yeah. And she's just like tucking 20 pence into their dick. Enjoy that, let's from Santa and me. Under the skin. And she like makes it really good. I'm in that house. I'm in that house. Do you know, I imagine your mom, like, like pushing your teeth together? Yeah, that makes sense. Like running up to them like this.

One day is resegative. Hips clicking, knees clicking. Hey, some of our hips and knees click. Some do, some do. But you survived your first friend and we're all very proud of you. Well done. You're so good. Well done.

What a good girl. Well done. Thank you. Did you have a nice time? Did Madam Goodtip have a nice time? It's a really good time. It's just not for you. It's not for you.

This isn't for you. Second language, guys. Pretty impressive when you think about it. It is so impressive. Well, listen, I had a good time doing whatever the hell the show was called. And now we've all got to plan on next year's show. No, fuck all. You do.

You've got to be fully. You do not have to talk about next year until October. Can I tell you, my idea? Yeah. So this is my idea for next year. Hit me. I'm going to do a pay what you want. And then two weeks before the run, I'm going to buy all the tickets.

And I'm just going to buy them for one pound. So that's like, what, 30 tickets, 30 pounds? Yeah, not bad. Oh, no, that's way more than that, actually. Yeah, because it's 30. But the money goes back to me. So it's not. I mean, some, the place will take it.

There be some fees. Okay, sure. But then everyone's like, all the industry is like, oh, my God, it's sold out. We can't get in? And then, like, BBC's like, can we come in? I'm like, actually, no, I've got Netflix in that day. So you can't. And then Soda creates spurs around it.

Yeah. The whole time I'm in London. And then off the back of the buzz, So her theater is like, hey, you had a sold-out run. We know we haven't seen the show, but obviously everyone loves it. It's a genius. We're going to give you a Soho run. Two months.

Two months to her theater. Then I'll buy all the tickets for that. And then the Apollo's like, wait, this is crazy. You keep selling out. And in the meantime... I love that the Apollo in your mind is like a person. This is Mr. Apollo. It kind of is.

Wayne, this is crazy. Yeah, there's actually one person, yeah, it is Mr. Apollo. And then they go, that's insane. We must give you the Apollo for one night, one night only. Buy all the ticket. I'm going to do this. This is going to keep going. How do you not lose thousands of pounds?

I do. Right. But the deception wise. But the ego is good. But imagine if like you heard of someone, why they're setting up. They're selling that everything. But that's fucking genius. Then you get stuff of the back of that.

I'm telling you, I think they do the same thing at Edinburgh, Zoo. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Explain. Because they tell everyone they've got a panda. They tell everyone they got a panda. I need three people that went this month.

None of them saw the panda. That's because China wants a bag. It's hidden in bamboo. And they're like, oh no, it's sleeping. It's sleeping. And it's like, do you actually have a bear that? China wants the panda bag. They've had it for 10 years,

which I think is allowed as long as they were alive. We learn about this. But I think that at a zoo it's very easy to be like, oh, we've got big enclosures because it's really good for the animals. Yeah. So, but they're hiding. They're hiding in the woodland at the back.

But there's actually no animals there. I would absolutely lie. If I owned a zoo, the stuff I'd come. We've got a unicorn at the back. Have you seen the film about building your own zoo? It's called We bought a zoo. And it stars Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson. This is not a joke.

We bought a village. We bought a zoo. We bought a town. What else do you want? I'm very aspirational with my watch. We bought and then you've just Just like spending their money How are people spending their money?

I just really like Matt Damon He did a really good interview on Graham Norton back in the day And now I'm pretending he does that I'm just all like, I'll watch it I'll watch it, I'll watch it, he don't love Matt Damon Why? Remember when he recently wrote that letter and he was like The last year he was like

Guys, is this right? He was like I had a conversation with my teenager And she convinced me that maybe I should stop using the F word And it was like What's back? No, the other affidavit. Yeah.

You always better do this. Come on, F1. That's what I thought as well, yeah. That's what I thought as well. The incredibly homophobic slur. He was like, yeah, re-learning from my kids and it was like, it's 20-21, bro. That's not Mac Damon, is it?

I just googled Matt Damon F-1. Okay, what's the size. Yeah, no, there's several articles about it. That's exactly what happened. Okay, well, we bought a zoo. I mean, I don't think he gets money every time someone watches it. Yeah. And it's about, so his wife dies.

Awful, awful stuff. And then him and his kids buy a zoo. a zoo sure in Devon and the kid just drops out of education like it's

kids are getting educated on the zoo what's the investment share how much are the kids putting in kids putting in kids putting in nothing wow

but his daughter really reminds him of his dead wife and then they not in that way not in that way not in that way bloody hell

it sounds awful it sounds really bad it sounds like a depressed Hanson already works at the zoo in Devon because why wouldn't she does She does.

She's just a random girl working at a zoo in, like, near Plymouth. No one in England looks like Scarletor Hansen. Whoa! No one in England. She's right. She's right. No one in France looks like scholarship. Well, not since 97 since Diana's died.

Okay. And then, and then they make the zoo over and then it becomes a success. And I highly recommend it as a film. When is the last time a zoo became a... Go on. A zoo became a success. Imagine, imagine. Okay, I picture this.

You're a pub. with all your friends and someone goes hey have you heard of this new successful zoo yes we should go check out the successful zoo I would say the film is based on a true story from Devon well thank you Celia it's set in America wow it was set in America the film was yeah oh I can believe it in America

but it's a true story from Devon thank you there we go thank you for your fact checking Andrew if you're validated so what we do on this podcast Celia and when we're done rambling is we also solve problems. Would you help us solve... We were going to list soos that became success for recently. Would you help us solve a listener problem? I would love to. Okay, great. Andrew, do you have a problem for us today. I do. Let me just close these Matt Day. And then I have a problem for Sally it to solve. Oh, can I just say you something?

I watched Top Gun Maverick yesterday. Why? Any good? So funny. Yes, and they also amazing. So funny. Charlie Dinkin described that as a show about a man who wants to fuck a plane more than he does his love interest. And I think that is for me why I won't be watching. My favorite character is the woman in it because she doesn't talk like any woman. There's a scene in it where like she flirts with him so much. She's like, a bit of that. And then she goes, why are you flirting with me?

Like after flirting with him for like 20 minutes. He goes, why are you flirting with him? Yeah, she's like flirting loads. And then she has this bell that she rings when a man flirts with her. Oh, the flirting bell. The flirting. And it's like the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life

and she's meant to work in a bar. She's like she's got professional hair and makeup. We've all seen coyote ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, what a sexual awakening that was. Yes, my God. I haven't seen it. Oh, fucking hell.

Something to do tonight. Seriously. Especially if you're on like a woman bint, that's a good way to go with it. Coyote ugly. Coyote ugly. Is that like a bar that's called? Water? We don't serve water. No, you would love it.

It's basically like six whores working in a bar, right? Where's the light? It is. No, no, it's funny. It's true, it's true. Six holes working in a bar. Yeah. Six holes working in a bar.

Just picture a 15-year-old Catherine losing her mind. I think so, yeah. No, truly, they all wear leather and dance on the bar, and I was like, oh, my fucking God. I'd say watch that and then watch Josie and the pussycats. Oh, what a double bill. Less of a recommend for that. No, but it's more artistry. But I love Topkin Maverick.

I hated the first bit of it. It's like a fake film. It doesn't, it's like... But they do all the flying themselves. Well, he does. I mean, do you know that Tom Cruise does his own acting? Yes. And his own...

He blew the plane. He blew the plane. Did he? Yeah, I think that's supposed to be the big film. Again, I don't give a shit because I didn't watch it and I don't care for him. And I do think Scientology is. I really find him so weird. There's a stand-up that did a bit about how we need to stop pretending that Tom Cruise is hot.

And I haven't stopped thinking about that. Oh, no, I agree. Why were we ever? We certainly need to stop pretending he's not in a cult. Oh, Scientology is a wild. really funny one, isn't it? It's really bad. The buildings look so pretty, though.

But it's like, aggressively abusive. Did you see the one in Edinburgh? Yeah, it's by the cabb shop. Yeah, by the cab. Thank you, Sally. I could have said, by the, like, I don't know, bookshop or something. It's also near a bookshop, but yeah,

I know it because it's by the cabb shop. Yeah. That can cut to me in Edinburgh every morning in a cab outside of the science. She asked if they want to change their life choices beside a cab shop. That's so mean, because they always have those signs

outside, don't they were like, do you hate your life? And it's like, fuck off. Honestly, I don't make my life. I'm having a crowd. That's so funny. Colts talk like 14 years on Twitter. Like, I'm so depressed.

Yeah. So like me on Twitter now. Are you a depressed whore? Yes. Do you have a problem? Yes. Let's go. Let's hear it.

Well, as we're back in London, it is a London-based problem. I love London problems. Is it there there's not enough rats here? Because there are if you look for them. Is it that the Elizabeth line probably goes there now? It's from E. this problem. Hi, trusty hogs. Hello. My favorite podcast, my favorite people.

Stop. Thank you, Andrew, for including. That felt amazing. I like compliments. Me too. I was wondering if you could help me. I've got a place on my dream master's course in London. I found a house to live in with a good friend and their partner. I'm so, so, so excited. But I'm worried I won't be able to enjoy it because I won't have any money. I'm moving there with very little to my name and I'll have to get a job when I get there. How can I enjoy myself and have the money to live? Will this just work itself? out or are there tricks to living in London and having a good time i hope you've all survived edinburgh lots of love e oh that's such a nice it's a really nice because first of all congratulations me this sounds fucking safe well done you you have a place to live you have friends to live with you have a course on something that you really want to do and you will absolutely be able to get a job there's so many jobs in mondon you'll be fine yeah um so first of all that part of it will sort to survive out pretty quickly um there are very simple things you can do in london to save money

I was going to say, I think we all, well, certainly, like, I know I was in London making, like, pittance and trying to be a stand-of-comic. Oh, yeah. Should we do some tips on ways to save money in London? Mine would be, often, things look longer on the tube map than they actually are, and it's actually not that long a walk. Like, it looks like it's ages away, but it's maybe so worth. And also, when you move here first, it's a really nice way to get to know the city and save money. The other is cook at home as much as you can. That's a, yeah, carry your own food with you.

Lunchbox, baby. Lunchbox is the way. But also, I think the cool thing about this city is there's so many places where you can meet people, if you're, like, meeting new friends for a walk or for an outdoor, like, hang in the park, rather than places you have to go eat. Yeah. I think the food is what gets you is when you pay for food out, you're like, fuck. It's about to say, yeah. Like, I think, obviously London is expensive.

Yes, the rent is expensive and, like, travel is expensive. But when it comes to actually things to do, you don't need money like you do in a small town. Yeah. Because, like, all the museums are free. Yeah. Like, you can go see, like, Imperial War Museum. Like, all the portrait galleries, they're all, like, an absolute bargain. If you want to pick me up, don't go to floor four or five of Imperial War Museum, though,

because it's a lot of genocide, and it's like, it's not a fun day. Very good, very good. You'll spend a end of spending money on chocolate and wine after. Yeah, exactly. But, like, there is so much fun stuff you can do for very little. And then just be smart about your choices. If you want to go for the cinema, then buy insurance by Mirkaa for, like, a pass. for like one day going to like

I don't know Paris what, call back, good, that one that work, that work and then you can go for like two for one with people or open account with Lloyds and you can choose your benefit as I get the view cinema tickets six a year

I also think like every in every bar in London there's a little so like get to know your little get to know your little get to know your little like the thing is with London I think a lot of the time that makes it expensive is how convenient it is to go to the most expensive

shop because there's more of them. Yeah, I agree. So, like, if you, like, walk 15 minutes out the way, you will find a little or an holiday. There's also probably an outdoor gym. Yes. You don't have to join for membership of a gym. Yes.

And also, like, I think that it's also about finding your priorities. So, for example, I prefer spending money on my gym than I do going out because I know that. So my gym is quite expensive. Oh, yeah, because you do swimming. Yeah. But, like, that's the cost of three takeaways from me in a month. And I know that that makes me happier to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think as well, and also, like, the thing is London is about to get more expensive as well with the energy bill thing. So the fact, like you said, that you're staying with friends and you've got a place, that's 60% of what makes happiness in London. I think is being with people that you like. Yeah. Also, you don't have to drink. I know that's a really boring option, but you can go to the pub and get a, like, lime and soda and not get into the rain system and actually

oh no no you do have to drink you can get a little like alcoholic bottles and you put them under your tip and if you have a garden and then you just pour it into your drink yeah that's fine that's one thing in France that we do a lot more than what I've found in England is that we have you have people come over yeah and that saves you so much money you have like a group of six or seven people and you all buy your little snacks whereas in in England it feels like you'd go to the pub and then and you spend maybe 40 quid yeah I would say like when I was first in London and extremely poor

I always went places with a backpack because I think if it's not nailed down it's fair game so for example toilet paper I think I paid for for three years I didn't say I never bought Lerol I always had a bag and if it wasn't nailed down

it was going in my bag and that's how I got all Lurall hand soap hand lotion Oh yeah all but I've never paid for Lerol for the first three years there were any bathroom you go into in a hotel or a restaurant

or a university usually has some rolls so there you can just walk into hotel lobbies, is their Wi-Fi for free and just sit there all day. I need to recommend a cinema. I have a membership for Peck and Pleck. Peck and Plecks is a good shout, but

if you fancy yourself a bit of cheap fancy I got a lifestyle membership at the Prince Charles, which is 60 quid. I also, little fact, forgot I bought one, but another one, so I've got two lifetime membership. I'm going to live

forever. But I So basically you get those big discounts on tickets and every week they do one pound screenings. Oh, cool. So if you fancy yourself, like I've watched so many films when I was like coming out of my breakup for one pound. And it's such a cheap way to, and it feels fancy because it's, it's less to square, isn't it? That's so good. The other thing I would say is actually when you first get here, I think when I first got to London, I'd like set myself up at a gym, set myself up with things.

And then I was like, this doesn't actually fit the life that I now have. So maybe just like do your course, get a job and let that passion get into a rhythm first. Don't beat yourself up about like not already being like having loads of friends and having a gym. Yeah. Try to figure out what your life would look like and then accommodate around that

for things that you might need to spend money on. But also just allow yourself to be in London. You're doing a master's. You're going to be very busy and stressed. But like there are a lot of things that like just think like oh my God, I'm in this city that people like dream traveling the world to go and see. Yeah.

Just fucking pop in a podcast and go for. a walk around Hyde Park. My biggest Download Pokemon Go, it's free and you can catch so many no, please, please don't be a bitch right now. Stop being a bitch, stop it.

I just think that maybe she might or they might want to make friends. Download Pokemon Go and then add me as a friend on it. Don't have sex. Catch Pokemon. My biggest London recommendation and this is how I knew

that I'd lived here long enough. I haven't been here that long is getting the bus over the bridge by the BFI. Waterloo Bridge. Waterloo Bridge. Oh my God. Fun fact about Waterloo Bridge,

the only bridge in London built by women. Every time listen to a nice bit of like Courtney Barnett or something. And then I'm like... Is Courtney Barnett? And New Zealand slash Australian. Oh, I don't know. Singer. Why, how is it built by women?

Like, what do you mean? The Waterloo Bridge is the only bridge in London built by women. No women were allowed to build any of the others. Are you sure? No. Okay. Just it's because it was, it was the construction started at the beginning of one of the world wars

but then all the men left and they needed to finish it so women actually finished it and did it women always finish it with their tiny little hands with their little tiny hands and they built a bridge but that's just a little fun fact

how do they know which direction to build it in they asked a man oh yeah yeah they have a couple of men that stayed behind I will also be able to offer you a guided tour of London Nelson's column

Yeah, very nice In Trafalgar Square is facing the direction of his ship I think walking around in London is so fun And especially like Because obviously we've all come back from Edinburgh Sorry to mention it again But in Edinburgh you walk around all the time

And every time I come back to London I want to start doing that more Yeah, I agree, walking is the way Especially to save money I walked everywhere the first few years I lived here And it's also meant that I didn't have to join gym because it was like exercise and yeah i just think that's the way if you want to walk to something fun that's close to us right now there is actually a city farm a six minute walk from where we are

right now city farm i've got to a city farm yeah just around the corner maybe he's got it your hansom will work there let's take these yeah you've been such a nice guest thank you so much for coming on our podcast. Before you go, several things. We'll be coming to see you at Soho Theater. Where can people come see you then? And when are you on? I will be figuring out the dates next week.

So... Where will people find them? On my Instagram. Which is at... A-B-Sadia. How are they spelling Celia? C-L-Y-A. Great. And do you have a website?

I don't, because I'm scared and no one will visit it. So you're just so much younger than us. Well, how do you etch your date from the stone then? Come on Instagram and Twitter. Her Twitter is one of the funniest twitters out there. It's very good. I cannot recommend it, Anna.

Is it also A.B. Celia? Great. Also, follow me. Excuse me? What? Sorry. Follow me? Bauer.

At Helen B.A. Actually, unfollow me and follow Helen. Thank you. Why are we following you? Let's follow. Follow. How about you follow Catherine? No, I'm fine.

At Catherine Boehart. It's actually about Celia. And how about you follow and stand up, Andrew. Actually, let's all, like, just follow M. Let's go on. And how about you, follow M back to her house? How about that? Helen, Helen will text you the address.

Actually, I don't have M's address. Don't give it to her. I regret ever doing so. Follow Celia on Twitter and Instagram. Go see her show at So it's the theater. We'll be there. We can't wait to see it. And hey, watch out.

She's a very good, very, very good stand-up comedian. You're going to see her everywhere. Thank you. One more time for it. Sally A.B. Thank you for having me. You know,