Trusty Hogs - Ep5. JOE SUTHERLAND / Weddings, Witches & Wanking with Joe Sutherland

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

Trusty Hogs hits episode FIVE for a spooky special with Joe Sutherland. Catherine and Helen deep dive into everything from Kylie Minogue weddings, to harrowing Halloween childhoods, and party planning to old-timey torture...FIND MORE JOE: http://www.joesutherland.co.ukThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...  EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy GoodmanPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / SBDubz / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Taylor / Rachel R / Lee Myerscough / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, welcome to trusty hogs, episode four, Helen. New Mafia. Hi guys, Andrew here. I wasn't actually in the studio for this episode, and it is not episode four, it is episode five. So I wasn't on hand to correct that. But don't worry, Catherine and Helen barely even mention that it's episode four for the rest of the introduction.

So you shouldn't even notice. You're wearing the jumper that you were in our lovely promo show. For any YouTube watches, I am. sitting next to a picture of myself wearing this jumper but after I've had professional hair and makeup. So I look really, I mean, I still look manic, but banging. Which one are we saying you look back? Are you looking banging today or there? There, are you serious? You think this is banging today? Oh no, I was just checking which one you thought you were banging in. This for me just sort of like, this is sexy casual. I'd say as my vibe today. Yeah. Yeah. I always

think that about a heavy niche in purple. I think sexy casual. I feel like heavy. Heavy-knit and purple is my calling card. I love that for you. Good. Like, Wen and Dow, heavy-knit purple. And you look, I mean, similar. You've got the same color lips. Yeah, I just look like a morose widow, which is pretty much my entire vibe.

I like that for you, though. Thank you so much. It's episode four. We've already gone downhill. It's already like, what's the point? This is Trustee Hogg. What's even the point in life? Hey, no.

This is Trustee Hogg. Why are we here? We're not beat show. We're going to talk about our weeks. We're going to help people with their problems. We're going to ask the big questions. we're going to figure out not only why the earth is flat,

but what's underneath it? Could you imagine if that was the whole chat? Just ask me like, but what's underneath? Stand. That's why I'm put my money on. We don't think that it's flat. And also, this is a podcast where we talk about our weeks

and more importantly where we ask you to trust us with your problems and then when you do, we will revel in them. I mean, help you solve them. It's called trusty hugs because we are reliable

and also disgusting. Big like. We're little pigs. Biggie picky. Little pigs. But we're in. eager to be your friends and we're smarter than

we seem. So this is episode four. Yay! You said episode four so many times. Episode four? It's episode four. I don't know if you know that. That comes after three before five. Yeah. Four. Oh well we're really filling the time. Thank you. It's a week of Halloween. Through the fog

step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're gonna give you problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech

Oh, it's Helen and Catherine And the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not Hello Helen Bauer Happy Halloween How are you? Are you excited for Halloween? I am so excited for Halloween

Even though I never really do anything for it Same, I never do anything for her But I absolutely love it I love them. I wish I lived somewhere where you could do, like, where there was more trick-or-treating. I mean, not me. I wouldn't go trick-or-treating. I realize I'm too old. But I mean, I wish more... But do you ever go trick-or-threaten?

There's no sensible way. There's no appropriate way to say this. I wish more children came to my house. I just mean like, I love the vibe, the community vibe of that. And my parents have it, and I wish I had it. Do they have it then? Do you guys do it when you were younger? Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you not go trick-or-tree? No, never. Oh, I grew up in a housing estate where everyone went to everybody's house.

Some people did it in our town. but my mum wouldn't less do it because I think it started because we were like going to church every weekend at this point which feels weird that I'm on the religious side of this. Wait, you didn't go trick-or-treating because of God? No, I think what happened is and my mum's church

Halloween isn't during Lent. Something said something was said about how it scares old people in the town and then for some reason we weren't allowed to go trick-or-treating for that reason. I have no idea but that was the rules. So we'd go to like a neighbour's house

and bob for apples, like in the olden days. Yeah, sure. But we wouldn't go around asking for sweets. Why does it have to do with mass? Is it just that you heard all the old people rumours there? I think so. I think she heard them and then that was like a rule at home. That's absurd.

No, we, so we have an equivalent thing where fireworks are illegal in Ireland because they scare dogs. Is it like that? Are you serious? Yeah. Well, like fully illegal all year round? Yeah, it's illegal. Yeah, people still get them in from Northern Ireland.

I have to say, they must get them out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. People get them in. Nobody cares about dogs in Ireland, but apartfully, no, we do. No, the only thing we did, so we did Halloween, we'd have, like, dinner at ours or, like, at our neighbor's house, and we'd have, like, fanta, because it's orange, like pumpkins. Oh, wow, that is a stretch. It's, it's pushing what Halloween could be. Did you do pumpkin carving?

Maybe. It's weird. I don't really, like... Okay, I feel like I should tell you that you're talking to, like, my mother loves a holiday. But that's the thing. I think you've got one of those families that like really go for. Like we decorated for Christmas five days before Christmas. Wow, that's sacrilegious.

We would decorate for Halloween. I remember as a kid I would cover the entire hallway with black bin liners. So the entire hall would become a dark room. And then with we'd paint with glow in the dark paint like skeletons. We did pumpkin carving. We used to empty out a huge pumpkin and my mom would make pumpkin soup, but bake the actual pumpkin out of empty. Shut up.

serve it out of the pumpkin for a barbecue. Everyone would have a barbecue at the front so people would come trick-or-treating but we'd also give like hot dogs and burgers to the adults. I'm sure it's not a health and safety ideal situation but we did it. And we loved Halloween. Like we do bobbing for apples.

We do that weird one where the apple spins around on the string. What's that called? You have to bite it with what your hands is right behind. I don't know, but I remember thinking that was incredibly unsanitary and I didn't want to do it after other people. I always wanted to go first. Yeah. In the same way that I think I was the only time.

child who would go through her bag and be like, these were not sealed upon receiving them. A fun kid. A fun kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I will be giving those to the group. And yeah, so Halloween was big. And would you do costumes to go? Oh, yeah, yeah. Memorable ones? Oh, I'd say not necessarily great choice. I know, I was definitely. Daddy's little slut.

A Native American. I was probably, I was child. But yeah, I'd say I was. I was also definitely like a fortune teller of vague heritage. Wow, okay. Yeah, maybe they shouldn't go in the podcast. No, I'm loving this. Hey, you're being honest, it's fine. It wasn't okay, I'm sure it wasn't. It's not okay, but it's fine.

But I was like four. Yeah. I wouldn't say you were picking the costume knowing what you were doing. I wasn't picking the costume, no. And then as I got older. Your mom's going to get canceled. Yeah, that's crazy. She's so canceled.

I was also a nurse. I don't know if that's allowed. I think that's still allowed. Yeah, Irish people are nurses. And yeah, yeah, yeah. So what about you? What did you dress as? Nothing.

I mean, I would have like a witch's hat or something. What? And my sister would have a witch's hat. And that would pretty much be it. That's so sad. I know. It feels sad now I'm saying it. Did you watch Halloween movie?

I've taken that into adult life because I still just, I'm bad at dressing up. Like the amount of times I've been like, I got a Halloween party in. Okay, I'm going to get dressed up for this. And then I just draw on like a cat nose on my face. I'm like, I'm done. Wow. that shows no respect for your head. No respect. I once through a Halloween party as a teenager and I went as a French maid. Like, and I thought I looked fire. But it was just a black dress

with a white apron. And I was like, I've crushed it. That's insane. No, well, a 14 year old, so a child's body for Sam, a woman's body for me. She was a busty teenage French maid. Let's not, let's not confuse my ears. Let's not confuse. I am, I did dress as a cat and then got really, really attached to a specific black velvet cat suit that I had when I probably initially was six or seven. Jesus. But I didn't, I kept wanting to be a cat because I loved that costume

well into an age where it didn't fit me anymore. And also it's like worn around out the crotch. So you're just sort of like a real pussy cat. A super pussy cat. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. It'd have to stay hunched in it, you know, like so that I could in character. Yeah, exactly. And it was pretty tense and

yeah, I loved Halloween. It was great and it was such a big deal in our head. But then do you do Guy Fawkes as well? Because that's the thing. There's like two celebrations in a row. I never understood Guy Fawkes until I came to this country. As in I didn't understand, we don't have like a bonfire night. We just do Halloween. See, Bonfire night, we did. Like we would be the house that would do the fireworks. We'd get Catherine Wheels, which now I get where they came from since meeting you, which is nice. They're not, what are? They're definitely, they're called Catherine Wheels with a C. Yeah, I don't think it's after me. There's definitely a connection there. A hundred percent.

And we would do, we'd burn a Guy Fawks, we'd stuff it. Sorry, what? But I remember this holiday so specifically because I got my first Beanie Baby on one of our Bonfire nights. It was a leopard called Freckles. Well, that's, Ned, that's rude. How? No, I'm joking. It was so good.

I got it from Fleet Toys, which is a toy shop and Fleet, which was run exclusively by women who hated children. Oh, I love that. I love that as a toy shop energy. Should have looked so cute. Like, from the outside, it's like Fleet Toys and, like, toys all in the window. go in, you've got to go up a tiny staircase to see everything upstairs, like, Sylvainian families and stuff, like, the whole vibe. And there would always be two women downstairs being like, don't touch anything if you're not going to buy it. And it was like so mean. But like you, all

you want to do is go there, particularly when Beanie Babies came out. Because this is before like W.H. Smith had the Beanie babies. You know what I mean? So we're not going to go to the service station every time. We want a Beanie baby baby. So you've got to go there. And then it's, it ruins the whole vibe, you know? Yeah. When somebody's not, we're not supporting you in your Beanie Baby journey that I got freckles and I couldn't be apart from her of course like she had to be on my persons but then there's fire and we're building it and my big brother think it'd be really funny to like stuff our guy fawks with freckles and for me no she's not a political baby she's not a political baby but I don't even know if guy fawks is political you just get your dad's you don't know if

guy fawks you fill it with I do guy fawks is the man who tried to blow up parliament On the 5th of November. It's really hard, so I always get that confused with the 11th, which is end of World War I. Wow. The 11th of the 11th, right? A lot of things are holding a lot of nights in your mind.

A lot of things happen around Halloween and the war. And people think it's a coincidence as well. I know, she's gone, but she's just as beautiful as she is. Halloween and then the war ends. I know. I don't think so. Yeah. I don't think so.

Listen, there's no way that, why am I getting in? Not for me. Why am I facilitating this nonsense? And then you stuff it and then you burn it on a fire and you'll go, Yay! Did you actually bring your dad's jeans? Dad's jeans. Didn't he needs them?

No, well, he works in sewage, so we'd get the ones that have the most, the most shit on them. Oh God, so your guy folks stank. The shittiest pet. But the whole house stunk. When the man works in sewage, you live in the house that shit built.

Literally. So we'd get the most pooey things we could find. And usually my mom was like, those ones. Oh, she knew. She had a band. Because he's a shitty man as far as there's like poo on the outside. He's also striping him up, you know? This is, that's more detail than I ever wanted to make.

Well, skid marks are in pants, stripes. No, no, I got it. I got it. Okay, yeah, you got it. Okay, cool. He's, he striped up towels. He's like gross. Lee, what?

No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. That's not true. He's vile. He's so violent. I respect him, but he's so disgusting. He's such a pooy man. No way that's true.

He wipes his bum. So people wash their buns. Have you never heard of people who stripe up towels? Like, they come out of a shower. Lucas, can you back me up on this really quickly? Lucas is here instead of Andrew this week because Andrew's still sick. Andrew's sick. Lucas, have you ever heard of someone striping up a towel?

Thank you. Fuck you. Thank you. I think Lucas was just raised in a decent home. I don't think that's a thing, Helen. Wow. People wipe their bones. And then you burn your pooey guy forks.

I'm sorry, just to rewind. And then Natalie Portman made a film about it. That's not. Is it? V for Vendetta is about Guy Fawks The V-R isn't written in stripes Oh sorry, just to go back If you come out of the shower

Could you imagine if the V was poo striped? But just to go back If you have washed yourself in the shower Why would you have any poo left on you? I think some people Don't clean their assholes They don't How could you avoid?

I clean my asshole This is hell I ask the question But actually now I really really Some people aren't that thorough a cleaner. Okay, so Halloween. You've done house sheds before.

Have you ever like been in a house share and someone just doesn't have like shower gel or soap? And they always seem to shower but they're only in for like 30 seconds and then they're out. Okay. So they're using yours. But like people who like are in the bathroom for like 30 seconds and they come out and they're wet but you're like but did you clean?

Did you wash yourself? Yeah. Did you want or did you just stand underwater? Yeah. Because it's so different. It's very different. You're right. You're right.

I don't think everyone. washes their asshole. Yeah, but I would like to have thought that they'd have wiped enough so that that wouldn't be an issue but where I was? People stripe up towels. A someone who worked in a hotel

they get striped. That's harrowing. You know how sometimes I, yeah, I'm an equal. Stop trying to say to change a subject. I was trying to say that I'm an equal opportunities employer when it comes to dating but then occasionally I hear a story better man

and I think, nope, no, no. But I'm saying women have the worst assholes too. Oh my God, will you stop this? Okay, so Halloween. I'm not saying it's just a dude thing. Wait a second, can I just check? So have you never been to anybody else's house to trick or treat? No.

Even when you hung out with your friends or cousins? But we don't think we did it. Wow, you've really missed a trick, man. I know, I know, because it's just going around and getting sweets, isn't it? You'd have loved it. I know I would have done. Baby Helen would have been in her element. Oh, mate, don't do this to me.

You bring on the doorbell asking for attention. They come out, you're in costume. You scream at them for more attention and things. They give you the things. stop you say nothing you just run screaming to the next house you don't have to thank them and then you just do it all over again

all the night and then you just gorge unsweet that's the our town you'd have had to have walked to like one house every road that would have been decorated for it as like a you can definitely knock there oh do you know what I mean we knocked on all 374 house stores I'd say in the estate that just wasn't an option we would have also had to like we'd have got like

six seven houses oh do you look it's not good for it but we're not good for it but We do have a bonfire night thing in the town as well. We're really big on no free sweets but burning things. That is the northeast Hampshire vibe. But your bonfire night now to my mind is just like a pop a poo perj. And that's like...

Okay, I'm now realizing it might not sound as fun as it was. Yeah. But fire. I guess. Fire. I guess. That's fun. Hey, we had like local teens on Halloween would go around and collect wood and then set fire on like public property.

Are you serious? Oh yeah, is that the same? Is that it? That's awful. Yeah, but then all the dads would feel so purposeful because they'd be like... Yeah, yeah. Get away out of that!

And that would be like a whole... I just used the fire extinguish for the first time. Yeah, like the dads felt like proper, like lad, lads. Yeah, so that was fine. But I actually want to learn about Guy Fawkes. Do you know anything about it? About the gunpowder plot? That's what it is, the gunpowder plot.

Remember, remember the 5th of November gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason, something. It's a whole thing. Yeah, I mean, basically, Guy Fawkes. Is it linked to the troubles? It's not. Was a member of a group of English Catholics

who was involved in the gunpowder plot. Because the parliament were Protestants. No? Sure. I'm trying to think about exactly how best to... Yeah, because he converted to Catholicism. and then he went to fight Why?

Then he went to fight Oh my God Tell it to me like a teen drama Then he went Okay so then he went to fight for Spain What? Catholicism and left Yeah

And then he was called Guido Fox there right Or something like that Guido for? Yeah When he was fighting for Spain That's cute He should have stuck with that

And then He came back to England With Thomas Winter Winter And then Like Anna Winter Yeah, exactly like the lady from Vogue And then he introduced him to Robert Catesby

who planned to assassinate King James I'm and restore a Catholic monarch to the throne And then I know this, James I first was the first Scottish king He took over after Elizabeth because she didn't have any kids Great, and then Foxx... Even though she 100% dead The Virgin Queen, okay

I think we'd have known if she was pregnant and gave... She had babies. I don't think she just had... They didn't have paparazzi back then She had kids. You think she had secret pregnancies at the entire... A hundred and no way. She couldn't have stayed out of sight.

I have it on good authority that she fucked Shakespeare. Oh, it's suggested in the film Shakespeare in love. Oh, well then. How could I possibly question you? I feel like it is. I feel like Joseph Fines and Judy Dent have sexual tension

that you cannot historically deny. Okay. So there was a... They leased an undercroft basically in the House of Lords and he was put... Fox was put in charge of that, of the gunpowder that they stockpiled there.

You can just rent a room there? Yeah, I think so. If you're plotting to kill everyone, you are allowed to do that, yeah. And then there was anonymous letter sent to search Westminster Palace during the early hours of the 5th of November, and they found Fox Guard and the explosives. Oh, you'd be so good, wouldn't you? Absolutely devastating, especially because he was then tortured and eventually confessed to wanting to blow up the House of Lords. This is the thing.

Confess immediately. Yeah, you would have skipped to the torture. If you're going to confess, you might well do it early. Always. But then immediately before his execution on the 31st of January, he, he, fell, folks fell from the scaffold where he was to be hanged and broke his neck, thus avoiding the agony of being hanged, drawn

and quartered. Wait, he fell in... Well, indeed. He then became synonymous with the gunpowder plot, the failure of which has been commemorated in the UK. Wait, I don't know this, so he jumped off where he was supposed to be hung,

drawn and quartered, and just broke his neck, so we didn't have to go through the whole thing. Well, they were kept in the Star Chamber before were being taken to Westminster Hall where they were displayed on a purpose-built scaffold. And the king and his close family... Not bar they could get the scaffolders on the same day, is it? Ain't? Couldn't do that now. Couldn't do that now.

So he pleaded not guilty despite his apparent... I feel like that was just for us. Like, Catherine's really into the history of it. And I'm like, could you imagine this scaffolders just showing up being like, all right, what's he done? Helen, you want a teen drama. Listen to this. Tell me. Listen to this. This is good. So the king and his close family. watched in secret, watching in secret were among the spectators as the Lord's Commission's

read out the list of charges. He then, by the way, pleads, not guilty, despite obvious guilt. And then he, after he's pled guilty, the jury found them all guilty, obviously, and pronounced some of them guilty, or pronounced them guilty of high treason.

And then, it was determined that each of the condemned would be drawn backwards to his death by a horse, his head near the ground. They were to be put to death halfway, between heaven and earth as unworthy of both. Their genitals would be cut off and burnt before their eyes

and their bowels and hearts removed. They would then be decapitated and dismembered parts of their bodies would be displayed so that they might become prey for the fowls of the air. Whoa, my God. That is intense. Is any of this in that Natalie Portman film? That's got nothing to do with it.

No, it's linked. I feel like the main character is Guido Ford Oh my God, you're absurd. That's insane. Who comes up with this? Who came up with the torture of your? It's intense, right? The torture of

your was mad. Fawkes was the last to stand on the scaffold. He asked for forgiveness of the king and state while keeping up his crosses and idol ceremonies, i.e. Catholic practices. And then weakened by torture and aided by the hangman, Fox began to climb the ladder to the noose, but either through jumping to his death

or climbing too high so the rope was correctly said, he managed to avoid the agony of the latter part of his execution by breaking his neck. I'm glad he did that. No one needs to go through that long, painful death. And then why the fuck am I using my dad's shitty trousers? To celebrate

that. I don't want to be part of this. I don't know. Are you celebrating the fact that they caught the treasoner? Like the I don't think we can deny it was a celebration because we'd eat food. The adults would get drunk. But are you celebrating the attempt on the

House of Lords or the disruption of the plot. I assume that the disruption of the plot because it's a British celebration and you all love the House of Lords and the Monarche. But we don't in our house. Well, when I was growing up, my mum had a protest chair in the car just in case she stumbled across one and she could join in. Wow. She loved it. She loves

an argument. Maybe you guys are just celebrating the attempt. Oh my God. Which I actually, that's pretty intense. What is your favorite torture of your? Like if you had to go through one, I'm going to come to you in a minute, Lucas, with your favorite torture of your. What would be your choice?

So I'm just saying I'm thinking about Halloween, like being like waterboarding for apples. Don't do that. Oh my God. Like bobbing feels like a thing they used to do for witches. It just feels all a bit dark all of a sudden. Can you believe this holiday about death is actually a bit too dark for me? No, but I do have a great impression of a witch doing a wank.

Please. But anyone who doesn't watch on YouTube, this is your opportunity to do it. Okay, please. There is actually a photo of me doing this whilst eating home. which is really unfortunate I would like to see that photo please. It's just huge Davies looking at me and I'm like, right so this is the impression

Can the photo be the promo material for this episode? 100%. Okay so basically it was an idea I had ages ago to make a comedy porn film which is based or as far as I got was three witches around a cauldron and they all come into it which is like the secret ingredient

is like female ejaculate and then how they would ejaculate and how they would ejaculate that says so much about you but I'm not even sure what I did pitch it to a couple of people. And then my agent was like, we're not, we don't pitch that anymore. And I was like, oh, okay.

Oh, you were in general meetings being like, so the female ejaculate is the special ingredient. Going into channel four being like, spare with me. Porn, comedy, witches. Any more questions? No. And then I would leave them with this impression. It's a wonder that you're not on television.

Which is a witch? Just, I'd say like, we're like within 60 seconds of coming. some just pre-come. Okay. And she goes, which I think is sick. Did you not feel that? Like that for me.

And it's mad because I've seen the crucible like four times. And nay, do they do that in it. Never. And for me, a witch is a sexual object. Oh, sweet Jesus. Oh my God. Which I think's hot. Hello.

Friends. Wow. Okay. The thing is, I thought the worst thing that I would be able, that would be said on this Halloween episode is that as a child, I would occasionally wear a, like, inappropriate costume. No face painting, by the way. Just like, you know, a headband. I don't know. I'm going to message your family.

A headband. Whereas you, you've, you've topped it by a long way. A wanking witch. is very appropriate. Yeah, I mean culturally, yes. Socially, no. But my favourite torture of your then,

I think I would like to be stretched because I'm curious to see if I get any cooler. Because I'm 6'1, right? How long could you go? I'm curious to see if I could get, because I'm only about five inches off from being a woman with a documentary.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that would be fascinating to see how long you could, like, a bit like, you know, there's like, when you stretch chewing gum just to see how... Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I think if I'm honest, I know it's boring,

but I do think drawn and quartered would be fascinating because I wonder if just before it's incredibly painful, it's actually just like having your back cracked. Like, you know that, like, lovely feeling when you're like, oh, release out of it. Wait, drawn on quarter is when they cut your belly in four. No, it's where they tie all four limbs, yeah, limbs to a different carriage

and they all run off in different directions and pull you apart. Isn't that right? I don't know. I'm looking at Lucas, the child on tech, being like, Lucas, that's right, right? I'm pretty sure. Well, whatever one that is, I think that's the one, you get pulled into four parts. And I wonder if just before you get torn apart, you think, I've been trying to get that nod out for ages. Do you what I mean? That's a really beautiful, positive outlook. Yeah. That is really cute. I mean, if you're not busy thinking about, like, your loved ones

and how incredibly violent the humanity has become. come. But before that, I wonder if you're just like, that hip has needed to click for a while. It's like when you wake up and it's just like one stretch and something goes in place and you're like, I'm done. But like that on the ultimate level. Yeah, I wonder if there's that. Also, imagine to be quite cute. Maybe they

would use like horses or goats. I'd have to be horses. Well, for you it could be goats. You're quite petite. But for me I'd have to have like four really big stallion. I'm strong. I would take horses. Goats couldn't pull me apart. Why is this a terrible song? Goat. Goat couldn't pull me apart.

You know what? We're so close to a city farm. I think we should go and measure ourselves up for what could... Because you imagine those really petite women who could just get four chickens, just pair two different directions. You could split her in four with a chicken. Good Lord.

Why am I turning into you? What's your favorite method of torture, sweet Lucas? The only other one I can think of is the one where they'd like... There was one where they'd like put the people in like a toilet and then they'd just leave them there. Because the toilets used to be like just a hole. And then they just use the toilet. And so you drown in shit, basically.

That's the most brutal. Are you freaking kidding? Are you making this up? No, no, that was a real thing. I've also found out what hung, drawn and quartered means as well. But not hung, just drawn and quartered. Oh, drawn and quartered. So drawn is, you're drawn by a horse to the place of execution.

Okay. And then quartered is your emasculated, disembowed, beheaded, and then chopped into floor, basically. Oh, so what they were talking about for Guy Falk, so dragged there, hung, and then, Whereas you just want, like, one quick pull on a drag. But there is a name for the type of torture that is like, because they used to do it in, they did it once in a scene for Zena Warrior Princess. Oh. Excuse me?

I don't know, no. What? What? That's not a big deal. I have never had this conversation where someone's brought it up and I haven't known it. Helen, this is the huge deal. Zena Warrior Princess was my sexual awakening. What are you talking about?

Okay. She's a warrior princess. Her sidekick was a stunning hot blonde. They had the most insane sexual chemistry. Good for that. And they kicked ass all the time. What are you talking about? You don't know.

Had you watched it? No. What should you do on Saturday evenings? Friends. Oh. Hanging out with friends. I wasn't at home sticking bin bags to the wall. Genuinely stunned.

Hey, my dark room hallway was very intimidating and very cool. But on Halloween And we are maybe going to do an entire episode on Zina Because my heart eggs for you I'd like to laugh I would like to prescribe some episodes after this We'd watch it But I'm actually going on holiday

So I can watch someone on that What Halloween films did you watch Practical Magic I've never seen it We can both do some homework Okay mine's more reasonable than that Have you not even seen the like image of it? It's Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman

Paul Kidman, yeah, but I haven't seen it. Oh, man. Okay, we're running out of time. I feel like we should talk about this in the extras. Did you watch Hocus Pocus? Obviously, I watched Hocus Pocus. Obviously I watched that. Okay, good. It is a practical magic reminisced with me a little bit more.

Wasn't it? Resonated? Yeah. There we go. Tell you what torture for me would be is people using words that I don't know, but I'm not allowed to ask what they mean. Oh, for me it would be torture, I guess, would be more like somebody misusing words repeatedly, but really trying.

Do you want to talk about this further on the picture? Yeah, I think we should. Guys, our guest this week is the wonderful Joe Sutherland. We hope you've had a nice time listening to us. We've had a nice time talking to you. I don't know if I've had a nice time, but I've definitely learnt a lot,

and I don't know if I can stand by any part of my childhood right now. No, but we do wish you a happy Halloween. We hope you have a nice time by yourself. If you're going to do it by yourself, any recommendations, I would say, get the junk food you wanted to get when you went fucking trick-treating, and none of this, like, open packets of wine gums bullshit. Don't feel any pressure to celebrate something

if you're not in the mood to celebrate. That's the one thing. I used to always chase the, like, oh, it's a big thing, I've got to do this. Like, if you want to have a night in, watch a movie, if you want to do it by yourself, if you want to invite every couple of friends, I am telling you now,

there are more people who want to just snuggle up on the sofa with you and watch film than want to go out, ask them over. Absolutely, but also, if you want to sit at home and eat, like, those miniature Mars bars by yourself, I think that's absolutely fine. Because it makes me feel Halloweeny if the snacks are miniature.

I'll eat the whole bag. I'll eat the whole bag, but I want them to feel small. So I'm like... Yeah. Why the hell not? No, I like that. I like that. Why the hell not? And I'd say from me, as just a little quick piece of advice to round it up, just like, wash your asshole.

Yes. If it is Halloween, please wash your asshole. And every other day also. Always wash your asshole. We've said that. Always. Okay. I'm just saying it more for me at this point. Washing your asshole. Yes, Helen. Not just for holidays. Please.

If your jeans are so poo sudden That you have to come up with a holiday To burn them Your country's fucked It's a shame that dad's not listening to this I really hope that he plays this episode Out loud at the sewer work Do you know what I mean

Just so all those louds are Oh for fuck for fuck sorry Thanks for listening Happy Halloween Happy Halloween Boo Do you say boo? I said it I'm not sorry

Thank you Thank you it's katherine i'm jumping on to tell you that i have a new stand-up tour that is on sale today it's called this isn't for you but it very much is for you i would love you to come you can buy tickets at katherine bowhart.com i'll be going all over the uk in ireland and the tour show is called this isn't for you katherine bowhart dot com please come and see me i would love to see you in person and tell you some of my new jokes Thank you to our trusty executive producers, Guy Goodman and Simon Moores.

And thank you to our wonderful producers. If you would like to hear your name read out and indeed seen on screen as a producer of Trustee Hoggs, go to patreon.com forward slash trusty hogs and pledge £20 a month or more. The wonderful Kira Leach, Richard Bicknell, S.B. Dubbs, L, Richard Bald, Sadie Cashmore, Rachel R., Lee Myerscoe, Claire Owen Jones, Neil Redman, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walter, Karen Bull, Harold Van Dyke, Anthony Conway, Tim and Dom, and David Taylor. That is so many fantastic people. Thank you so much for supporting us.

I will not be reading them out every week. Obviously, Helen and Catherine will alternate reading them. And if I do read them out again, I can't guarantee I'll have this sexy illness voice. But still, it's well worth becoming a Patreon subscriber. For just five pounds a month, you get extra content, a whole extra episode from every episode we release. and that is patreon.com forward slash trusty hobs Oh we have a lovely guest this week Oh we have such a nice guest this week

And also he has the complexion of a ghost Which I think works for Halloween For me it's more his bone structure Like his bone structure is so on point It feels like a threat to me Yeah it's quite ghoulish as well Which is ideal like... Do you reckon?

Yeah I think he would be okay with me saying to his face that he looks like almost dead in the sexy way. I think what I'm going to say is because you're saying, I think he'll be right with saying to his face. Let's bring him in and we'll start by you saying that to his face. Okay. Which I think could set a really awful tone. Yeah, but like

who wants to be welcoming, you know what I mean? All right, let's bring him in. It's Joe Sutherland. Aw, we set it together. Jinks! Did you break your dick? Behave yourself, Helen. It's Joe Sutherland. Did you break your dick? Your first question can't be. Did you break your dick? It's my first question for most people.

Did you break your day? It's like, hey, how's it going? Did you break your death? Can we give some context? The context is Joe was like five minutes late. 20, wait. He's three, 23. He's doing it for free.

He arrived. Did you know you're doing it for free? I got a message from you at 318 saying outside kiss kiss, which feels aggressive. For someone running late to be like, um, he's doing this for free. Those kisses say you're welcome. Yeah, exactly. Is one your second. Okay, fine. Catherine's fine with it. So your dick's not broken, huh?

My dick's not broken. My dick does the break in. Hey. He's here. He's here. He's here. No. But you were late and you were apologising and you were saying that you got an annoying email and then it called you to drop everything and that's where Helen got to. How Helen got to did you break your dick? Is it how everyone else would have? One day someone's going to say yes and I'll be like, I knew. And it'll be worth all these awkward leadups for that one moment. I don't think it will be worth it. How are you? What happened? Are you having a bad day? I, well, it was just fine. Like, I was, you know, doing my bits of pieces of work. It was all going well. And then just one rejection email comes along. Oh, fuck those guys. And it's after a string of a few of them, would you believe? I actually can't believe. I know. I won't and I don't. I don't. I don't. So it was just a tad squishy, annoying.

And then I, like, I dropped a tin of stuff. It went all over the floor. I cleaned that up. What tin? Beans. Oh, no. That's a tacky viscosity. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's intense. Don't worry, though, because I have these new floor cleaners where you, okay, so you order them online. No, oh, address it towards Catherine. If anyone who's just audio listening, Joe, turn to me as if I give a share. I do. I do. I do.

Tell me. I like to educate those. Or my only question of a follow-up is, did you still eat the beans? Catherine wants to know what you did. Did you have the beans still? You interrupted Joe saying he likes to educate those he thinks needed. Not enough time.

Okay, fine. Fine. Ha ha ha ha ha. Go. Talk about your cleaning. Okay, no, I didn't eat the beans. Good. But it's this new, I'll send you the link.

Okay, so it's a company you order all of these various different cleaners. They come in little soluble sachets. So you put them inside. you're already used spray bottles so you never need to buy another spray bottle in your life and all you do is add, fill it up with water, shake it up and then you've got a type of cleaner.

Joe, stop it now, I'm turned on. That's exciting. That's how you break a dick. Does it smell nice? Yeah. Oh, yes please. But to go back because I think that you were very honest and vulnerable

and I think it's weird sometimes in our job you get like either a series of yeses or a series of nose and when you're in the midst of the series of nos you can't remember yeses. It feels like the nose will never end as well. And it feels like it's all you've ever known. When actually you're a very talented man.

Thank you. And lots of people have put you on the telly. Thank you. But also. And you're like unreasonably good looking. Yeah. I think that is part of the problem. I think that is part of the problem.

Me too. The two fuck would be funny belief system. Like I see you and I'm like, but why would Joe need a personality? Exactly. That is what I get. Not helped by the fact that you recently got muscles, which are four people without personality. So it's like, it's confusing.

Well, it's because I realized that my personality is essentially recycled. Like, Tom Allen already has it. So I can't. I needed a new thing. So you're Tom Allen with muscles. Yes. Tom Allen on steroids is Joe Sutherland. That is hot.

That's really sexy. I think that's a difference. I want to see that on tour. I would watch that. Yes, please. Great. But also, that's bullshit. And I think it feeds into a narrative that like all camp or gay men are the same, which is it.

Also, rejection-wise, I, It's funny, but also not true, just to be clear. Because we're like, as comedians, you go from, like, being, like, super insecure to having, like, a weird 24-hour confidence. Do you ever have that? Have you ever done a gig where it's gone so well? And you've got a yes, let's say,

like, within, like, 12 hours before it, that you spend, like, an hour walking around being like, I'm fucking flawless. I've kind of completed comedy. I've made it. I think for the listeners, so that this is slightly more relatable. It's the equivalent, I think,

of being single and getting laid for the first time in a while. So it's like, You go from like, I can do this. I'm a single person. I can be happy by myself. I have all my own stuff. Yeah, I'm nailing it. Like a little bit of coffee.

No, I got this. I can do this. I'm going to be fine. I mean, some intimacy would be. Oh, God, but I'll be alone. I might be alone forever. Oh my God. I just got fucked.

I don't know if you know, but I invented sex. That's the life cycle of a comedian. It's like you go from, I invented comedy. Has anyone ever tried comedy before, guys? Because that's what I was like when I was single initially. I was like, at first I was like, guys, I don't know if you've heard of sex, but everyone in a relationship,

like, yeah, dummy, yeah. But you felt like you were number one. I did the same thing with masturbation when I was 12. Yeah, when I was single, I genuinely thought I invented sex. It was great. So I think it's the same. And you mustn't forget that there is, there's a good lay around the corner, my friend.

Thanks, I'd be fucking. So don't worry. It's amazing. I think you're more realistic than me, but as I take rejections in a completely out-of-context way. Like, if I'm getting a series of nose, then a new Disney film would be announced, and I was like, and I didn't even voice the princess.

I have nothing to do with it, but I'll be like, oh, my lot. Here we bloody go. And they're doing pretty women in the West End, and I'm not the pretty woman. That's fucking mad. Malala's book is it number one? I've never written anything.

And I'm like, that's mental. That's mental. So you can 100% get in that mindset where everything is like, oh, for fuck, you arrive at Pratt and they're like, we don't have the hoist and duck wrap anymore. And it's like, am you kidding me? Why?

Did they ever do a hoisten wrap? Are you fucking kidding? I'm a vegetarian. Okay, they do a hoisten duck wrap and it's got cucumber in it and like spring onions and it's like leaf changing. Okay, cool. I did not know.

There is now a plant chef Tesco's version of it, actually, which is in the meal deal. It's high protein. for vegans and it doesn't taste of frozen spinach as everything else does. Joe, you're blowing my mind. Wait, do you want to go to Tesco after this? Yeah, let's go to Tesco after. Should we go now?

No, we should finish the podcast, but let's go after. I want to try this. Yeah. Is it fake duck meat? It's fake duck meat. So I don't know, what is it, gristle? Just like some gristle that pitch off the street, put it in a wrap, and then people are like, it's high in protein.

This is amazing. I'm so excited. Okay, great. What an exciting day for you. You're having a really good week. Your misery has really turned my day around. Thank you so much. Live to serve. Listen, speaking of living to serve, we here at Trusty Hogs are but a vehicle for other people to improve their lot, Joe. And so we have been sent in a problem. No one trusts us yet.

Oh, no, they don't. Like the problems they're sending us makes me think that they're like, we'll see how they get on with this before I actually. divulge anything. But also I've mentioned this podcast now to a couple of like close mates being like, oh, I'm doing a podcast and I'm like, oh, what's it about? It's like, oh, she's a silly chat. And then people send in problems and we solve them and they're like, but what, why?

And then it just like, you know when things come crashing down to you and you have a realisation moment? I don't think any of my friends have ever come to me advice for anything, ever. New people are like, oh, my friends are always asking for advice. No one's ever asked me for anything. But Helen, why would you ask for something that somebody gives her freely? Which is to say that

I think that you and I both are. offer advice without being asked if... Oh, my God, we're toxic. Yeah. I think we're... That being said, I forgot, I have some advice for you. I don't. You're perfect. Well, okay, I don't know why I said that.

I didn't mean it. I actually, can I just tell you, can I tell the people at home that yesterday, Helen and Joe hung out socially? And consequently, they've had... I feel like you've come in and you've been like, we're not talking about that. We talked about it yesterday. I saw Joe's beautiful manicure and Helen was like, we did it. And I was like,

I'm sorry, I don't even get to compliment it now. But we did chat about it yesterday. I do feel like I've come to like the afters of a wedding. And I feel offended. So just like, oh, I have a question for you. Before we do our problem, I knew I wanted to ask something for it. This is why friendships don't work in phrase. I've been saying it my entire life.

You're right. If Destiny's child couldn't figure it out, then why do we think we could? You're so right. Oh my God, do you remember thinking? I remember thinking that Michelle was the story. No, I don't remember thinking that. I really thought that Kelly and Michelle had been, like, robbed of their chances in the limelight because of Beyonce's parents. And then Beyonce went on to obviously be Beyonce.

And I was like, oh, my God, I really, I always backed the wrong guy. It's weird that I backed Kelly for a while because of dilemma and stole. Do you remember that song? Obviously, though. And the video was just loads of people killing themselves in the toilets at school. She was because laugh was stole. Uh-oh. And you'll never know.

And I was like, this is the banger. This is the banger. And everyone was like, how good is Boutelicious? and like, like, not religious. What's her fucking thing? Like, best thing I never had, like early, Yonse. And I was like, no, but stole.

Yeah. Stole. Listen, I was with you. I was ready for that gospel album. I don't know who I was. I don't have a... It's good, actually. But that's, it's finding your path,

your niche, and her path leads to God. Yes, it does. And not to sales. And let's talk about one question before we do our problem. And while we have you, Joe, because you are notoriously good at hosting parties. And it's, of course, being. recorded for the week of Halloween.

And while... Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, we have you. And what I was saying before you got here was that you are just the perfect amount of dead looking. Which is to say, like, your bone structure is so beautiful

and your skin's so, so pale. She said that she wanted to say this to your face. And I went, don't do it. And she went, I'm 100%. Look, I told you he'd be flattered. I fucking told you. I know my Joe. And, um...

She said, goal like. All right, Helen. you're beautiful you know it but yeah while we have you I thought and you're good at throwing a party what do you have any tips

for the listener if they're having a Halloween bash um a Halloween bash I'd say go um

and sorry just for clarification I'm not asking you about party planning because you're gay it is because I've been to your party which may or may not have been good

on account of your homosexuality it felt like it was because he's gay yeah I just wanted to clarify it could be because you're good at throwing parties but maybe your boyfriend is

No, once again, I think it's that when you are gay, there is such a narrow set of personalities that you can borrow from. You're right, you're right. That was that. Yeah, you just had to be good at throwing parties and you are. So tell us your tips. I would say, so do do a dress code, but don't be, don't be like prescriptive with it. Be kind of like vague and off-kilter in a way. So like let people interpret it in their own way so that they can have fun with it.

rather than feel like, oh, God, I have to go as a fucking doctor or a nurse. So the theme isn't Halloween? The theme isn't necessarily Halloween. The theme could be like your inner self or like... Oh, one second. Are we seriously thinking that's a good theme? I actually thought that was great, but my inner self... We went different places with it.

I was like, oh my God, it's like everything I am scared of. I'd go as a stick of butter. That's a fucking great costume. Literally my inner self is just large. That's such a good costume. Just me showing up as long as long as. Lurpack, light. Finding a girl bigger than me to be Lurpack.

But that's it. You'd get so many compliments for that because no one else would turn off as that? So greasy. That would be amazing. I'd eat myself at the end of the night. My party trick would be like, you can butter yourself off me. And just people getting loads of bread just wiping on me being like, taste me. That's incredible.

I love it. Joe's, see what Joe did? Joe offered you that opportunity for creativity and you actually, you rose to it. I elevated it. said yes. I said, you're right. I said no, but yes, in my mind. Yeah, so actually.

Okay, so if you're, this is Joe's hot tip. If you're throwing a Halloween party this weekend, make the theme, costume, your inner self. I love it. What else do you go for? These are great. I would also say go for zones. So like, oh, I agree with it. If you're listening and aren't watching on YouTube, you will have missed the most exquisite hand gesture by, uh,

Joe, he put all 10 fingers in the air to tell us he was doing Zones. What do they mean, Joe? Zones means like, obviously you've got your standard buffet area. You've got your bar area. You're not feeding people at the party. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not animals. No, no, no. And also because it's Halloween, it's a great opportunity to, you know, make a green cupcake. Yeah, agreed. And even that, like, it could... Any excuse to make a green cup.

Any excuse. Any excuse. Yeah, sure. And then, and then people will go, mad for a game so you can have a game zone what kind of games you talk about i'm less sold like something that's kind of a little bit sexy like so it could be like poppers twister like the penis up the asshole popper is twister yeah so you've got so twister um and then you know you how you have one person in charge of the spinner and telling you like what hand or what um appendage to put on

what color you also have someone who's in charge of poppers and so they go around and give everyone a sniff just before they have to move. It's very fun to try and balance. Now that sounds like a fun game. Particularly when I'm lubed buttered up. I'm having an absolute nightmare and I will break

three twinks. That's a given but I'm willing to give it a try. Just people getting card off of broken ribs and I'm like, I've won. To be fair, so far I'm enjoying this party. Okay, so zone one is buffet. Zone two is Helen buttering and battering

Twitter. As someone who agrees with the zone thing, but wouldn't have thought of a game section, you'll see food section, drink section, dart section, and then Deep and Meaningful section are the sections that I usually go for. Do you have a DMT area? With smoking area, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, Deep and Meaningful is fire pit in the garden, if you have one. Yeah. Gorgeous.

If you have one. Great. Or you can improvise, you know, a bin. Oh, you put them around the bin. You want the sad people at your party to also feel like they're homeless in an American Christmas movie. okay great beautiful that's really nice that's really lovely that's gorgeous and any other last party tips for Halloween green cupcake poppers treat your trash friends like the trash they are

and butter up that tall girl I'm surprised we haven't mentioned the most important thing about parties which is right so you know that famous question like if you could have four guests to dinner like deader or alive who would you invite and everyone always goes for like four really impressive people which I think is stupid as shit because then you're the dull one at the table

Yeah that's true You have to bring three greats and then one fucking loser So that when they go to the toilet You know that you're all like Instead of when you go to the toilet They're all like thank fuck she's gone Oh wow I would have gone the other way around

Like one great and then three Absolute pricks so that you look really good Next to them I just need one dud. You need three. What does that say? What does that say? Maybe you should think about that for your Halloween costume, eh, Joe?

You go with a security. What does that entail as a costume? I think it's already the theme, isn't it? You're in your inner self. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. But okay.

So you haven't said anything about, do you decorate? I'd say. either, because the problem is it can suddenly become very expensive even if you just go to Poundland and you're like, right, I'll get these cobwebs but then you unpack the cobwebs and start putting them on your staircase

and you're like, well, now I've just got a weird sort of hairy staircase. And the rest of my house is bare. So then you go back and you get all the like orange pumpkin masks and you put them around and it's like that's still nothing. So like you end up having to really pile it up. So actually I think the better thing to do

to decorate is once again like just pick like one vague pick one color or just buy like five glitter curtains and put them in every door they're only 1.49 each This man has parties Jesus. Why would we spend money on

And then you've got a unifying theme that runs throughout the house. I love it. I'm assuming you already own the twister. Uh, yeah. And he doesn't want to spend his money on cobwebs. He wants to spend it on poppers and I love that for you. Good. Five glitter curtains. How many poppers do you want? Ten bottles. Ten bottles of poters. Oh my God. And last question.

bottles. Last question, obviously, hopefully people have already done their invite list, but do you have criteria for yours? Or any like thoughts? Like, how do you do you do a first wave of invites? And then if you don't get enough replies from the good people, send a second.

You can't ask that. I absolutely have asked that. And based on the facial expression Joe just gave. Because that means that we can both figure out when he emailed us for his party that's coming up. You were in the first wave. I can say that. Both in the first wave?

You were both in the first wave. Okay, thank God. Also, though, I didn't want to bring that party up because I was worried about, I don't know what, the listener's not being invited, but I was. But I was more like. Well, Lucas isn't invited. Well, in the first wave. He's fourth wave.

But I was wondering if, what's the dress code for that? It's like, do you. You do you, honey. Okay. I guess that is vague, but also specific. Which is for me, naked. Yeah. But with a really nice wig on.

And a lot of bodied. okay so you do do it in waves is what you're saying yes I think everyone does I think hand on heart we all do it in wave and then what's sad is inevitably the day before you're going to panic that no one's going to come and you start inviting people you don't even know or lie

because you panic and it's stupid because it's fine but oh my God well we actually have a and having like party anxiety from school now we have a party related question for our health oh my god you teeth

that up so nice. Thank you so much. Are you guys ready for this? I don't think we'll ever get a gayer request in terms of an issue that somebody needs help with. So, um, strap in because as the straight, I will answer it. This is from Worried in Birmingham. Now, I also should put a caveat here. Narrow it down. I should put, I should put a caveat because Andrew says, you also might want to mention that the original email was longer and very funny, but we've had to cut for brevity and anonymity. Obviously, this person kept putting their full name at the end of every paragraph.

Loving how they're worried in Birmingham, but they're not worried about the things they should be. Unless they are. No, no, this is cut down and it's still quite a long race. Okay, hit us. Okay. So, I wonder if you could help. After years of let's call it research, I finally whittled the candidate for the part of husband down to a short list of

one. So we're talking about a prior hoe who's engaged. Got it. Okay. Sadly, despite my family telling me this was all a phase, it turns out that it wasn't and I'm definitely one of them gay as you read about. So to really make my parents eat it for being so wrong, I'm going to enshrine my homosexuality in law and celebrate it with a huge fuck-off party.

The man still has daddy issues. We good? We're all on same page. I get it, my dad's never hug me. I'm going to be down with this. Oh, and get married to the man I love. Live happily ever after yada, yada, yada, but it's mainly the party that's causing the dilemma. Okay, so he's sure about the husband, but not thrilled about the party option so far. Are we all

on board to me? Okay, great. I don't know what about this man would make him seem anxious. And not because he vetoed my idea of having poppers as party favours for the guests. Oh my God, that's about his husband to be, who's vetoed the poppers. Oh, Joe's already against this guy. No,

my dilemma is this. How much Kylie is too much Kylie? I bloody love Kylie and I found a lovely lady who'll come and do 90 minutes of Kylie based hits for the wedding reception. Answers my first question. What could be better?

Right. My other half, however, has put a 45 minute max on her set because according to him, there might be people who won't like 90 minutes of Kylie at a gay wedding. No, okay, right. He has capitalized gay.

I know you're both having strong feelings. I do think she should have been listening. I'm listening. I'm just like, I'm already confused. I, about why they're getting married? I know you are. I think he's wrong. I think he's wrong

and should let fake Kylie finally for the purposes of this set or the rest of this email. He thinks he's right and says that quite apart from anything else, He doesn't want to see his mom off her tits on Amel. What's, A-M-Y-L? What's that?

Oh, I guess that's Popper's Amyl Nitrate. Wow. Okay, cool. You're so gay. I mean, wise, wise. Rumored writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

He doesn't want to see his mom off her tits on Amel during spinning around. I think this is reason enough to book fake Kylie in the first place. Yeah. So, who should win? Do I get a full 90 minutes of Kylie, or do I let the other groom choose someone? of the entertainment. Do you want to go? They're a strong feeling.

Joe, this is why we've asked you here, so please tell us all of your thoughts, and then Helen will also chime in undoubtedly. You have feelings about this? I do, and I have two options for you. One, zones. Have you thought of having a Kylie zone and then a shit zone?

Yeah. Thank you for saying shit zone. So where your husband to be can book his entertainment that can be in this other room. Yeah, it'll only be for one because everyone else will be in the Kylie Sun, but sure. Yeah, it'll be like, um, uh, like what's that voting system, A-V, I don't know. What voting system? I mean, you just had to make this smart.

This isn't a smart podcast. Well, exactly, but that's, well, I tried and I really, really missed. First past the post, proportional representation. Yeah, so the other one. The other one. Okay, okay. So it'll be like that. So you're saying make a device.

at a celebration which is of bringing together, do the ceremony of bringing together and immediately create a divide. Yeah, great, great, great, great, great, love that, love that, love that. Have someone on each door with a clicker. Ideally, one dressed as Kylie and the other one, just a person. Have the numbers over the zones of who's in which I think would be lovely. That would be delightful.

You know, like they can count in a marathon kind of thing. Okay, so you think zones or... Or tell him that you've limited. it to 45, but you haven't really. And then when she finishes and everyone's like, what, but you didn't even do slow? So then they call for an encore

and she's like, well, you know what? I just so happen to have 45 minutes of encore prepared. I think, right, so immediately I'm with you. I agree that Kylie is doing 90 minutes regardless of anything here. Like this isn't the question. It's how we facilitate finally doing 90 minutes. It's not a question of her

doing 45. Okay, can I just first of all, so far Joe's ideas are zone and then undermine the marriage immediately by popularity context

or overt lie to new spouse. You are with Joe in so far as you're like were no questions that's got to be 90 minutes. I also have first-hand experience of this.

I went to a gay wedding this is like years ago which was Kylie like the whole reception it was in like a football club somewhere or rugby club and West Ham and they had like

it was a playing a night, they had a drag queen. Nothing, literally nothing. I don't think they did either. I don't know why we were there. And no, one of the grooms plays rugby. And they had, like, Kylie even signed a photo for the grooms. And it was like this, it was amazing because it was given to

the grooms. And it came after there was a speech about like, one of their families couldn't make it because they already decided the world, only some of them could come. So, like, and it was like moving, but like no tears. And they went, but Kylie signed a photo. an immediate waterline.

How important is family when there's a possible sign photo from Kylie? It was so incredible. So I'd throw a spanner in the works because I feel like somebody should advocate for the less good groom. No. Well, that's just for a second.

Also exclusively serve the Kylie Rosey wine. They sell it online. I got a bottle. It is really good. Kylie makes good wine. Do you know anything about wine? Okay. Yeah, I know there's Kylie.

I'm not. I drink it. Wait, Graham Norton does wine. Oh, yeah. I still haven't had the Ramona Pino from Real Housewives of New York. So I really, my wine knowledge isn't as good as I wanted to see. But it's expanding. It's expanding.

So let's just imagine where the shit groom was opened. Here's my question. I know, but let's just try. What if fake Kylie, the one hired, what if she's not a good fake Kylie? It's kind of even better. Oh, wow. it's still the beats it's still the song it's still the vibe

you think oh you're right as you said it I thought that sounds great that sounds great but with someone off key and like spinning around but missing the cue to stop yeah

spinning around the song's over Ray and white started that's still that sounds great to be fair that's exactly what you are actually I you know what okay well here's the other thought if I'm if I'm groom number two I'm thinking

you know what it sounds like the parents weren't fully on board here necessarily from the beginning and it's a lot of gay at the gay wedding

they might feel like let's accommodate for everybody's interest I said it even as I said I'm just not this self-loading I tried and I was like oh they can fuck off

finally's doing 90 minutes if bad groom isn't in for it you've got a 45 minute break somewhere else Yeah, go for a walk. Fit your shit out. Go for a walk.

Come back. You've missed that on the fun. But just step it up. It's a wedding. How often do you get to hire a fake Kylie for 90 minutes? Exactly. And also, this is my option as far as, like, sometimes it's easier just to place blame on something external. So then it's not on you.

So just make it very clear. Look, I spoke to fake Kylie. She doesn't do less than 90 minutes. That's a minimum. It's so important to me that she's there. This is just how it is. Another lie. I love you.

But it's not... The web of lies with you too at the start of a wedding. My goodness. Oh, you have to go into a relationship with lies. Otherwise, where's the mystery? You've got to constantly be surprising your partner. As someone who's never been in a relationship, even I know that.

Okay. Well, I... Even I know that. I think we've come down fairly strongly in favour of 90 minutes of Kylie. Here's my last question. I would also like to go. Yeah. Yeah.

Can we also come to the wedding? Poppers and 19. Yeah. if we're the fucking third wave they've sent an email in about the wedding we're obviously close enough for that I think we should be second wave that's so true

it's a bit out of order for anything less and here's my question what song would you want her to open with oh a genuine pause for contemplation and reflection from these two the both of them both of them sat back in their chairs both of you stop back in your chairs

oh you think it needs to be a banger or not like heartfelt love for? It needs to be a banger but it can't no because wow shot down immediately no It seems like, you know, open with a good joke, but best joke at the... Guys, this is a podcast you can't both to stop talking to think about which...

Well, I'll keep the chat going because, goodness me. Also... This is where you'll fill in with a sort of medley of Kylie Bangers so you know what's going through our heads right now. Out of my head, can't get out of my head. That's it. Yeah, I'd go for something, one of the like late 90s early 90s, early 90s floor fillers. Because she's got five of them so she can both open and finish. on one.

Oh, wow. Five specifically. I wouldn't do anything from the last two albums. Honestly. I think you need to throw back because it's a wedding. You've got generations there.

Is chocolate one of her son? Is that one? Yeah. I don't know that one. No. I was just trying to name Kylie songs, but I don't actually really... To be honest, this might be too into Kylie.

But I think it depends on the outfit that fake Kylie arrives in. Well, I would assume she would choose the set list and then her outfits to go with. She's not some surprise. Such a fucking amateur. She does weddings. Okay.

You're right. You're right. Right. She does weddings in Birmingham. She must be a pro. Can't give you out of my head. That's what I'm going for. Are you backing that, Jill?

I'll back that because everyone will know it. Yeah. And it brings them in. Stunning. Well, I think we've solved another problem, saved another marriage. And if he says no, find someone else. Find someone that says, yes. Find someone to marry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gorgeous. Yeah, how hard can it be to find a gay man who wants to get married and loves Kylie. Is that that hard? Sure. I don't know why we're looking at you like you know. Joe, is that hard? I don't think so. No, I don't think so either. I've watched a lot of reality television.

Okay, well, step it up worried in Bammingham. Yeah, it seems to be doable. Get honest. Wonderful. Joe, where can people find you? Generally around East London. Online Instagram, although I guess when this comes out, oh, when this comes out, I will be coming to the end of a pre-planned Instagram break, so actually I'll be re-emerging on Instagram with fresh new thirst traps

hot, hot, almost hot. Stunning, are you going to spend the month off getting even more buff? I'm going to spend some of that month in Berlin probably not eating or sleeping. Oh, wow. You are going to look so fucking good. Are you doing nothing when you go to Berlin, but you don't book somewhere to stay because the clubs are 24 hours? Oh no, I did book somewhere to stay because, um,

They were so desperate for tourism that I got a hotel suite for half price. Yes, please. Which hotel? It's Europe's first music hotel. That's all I'll say. Do you want? I know this one. I know this one. You can order a guitar to your room on room service.

It's almost free. Yeah. No. It's there like, it's so tacky. Okay, so if you've ever seen Destiny's Child's episode of MTV Cribs, that's the decor. Why would anybody want that? Everything is shaped to look like a lava lamp or genie lamp. You're going to have.

The first time, the best time. That sounds horrendous. Oh my God. I only ask them always, I really want people to book into, you know Hotel Adlon, which is the really famous hotel in Berlin, which is where like, Hitler used to go all the time. But more importantly, it's where Michael Jackson held his baby out of the window. Wow.

Same hotel. Everyone thinks this is coincidence. Bull fucking shit. Bullshit. They're the same people that say it's coincidence. And it came out the same year Diana died. I don't think so. You're right. You're right.

Oh, my God. We talked about your adorable laugh just then. That was cartoonish and I loved it so much. It was like a little goofy baby, but not Max. Like a different one. Okay, so you'll be back from Berlin, back on the gram, trapping surst, as it were, or whatever one says. And it will be at the start of November. And also people can come see you to comedy and find out about your gigs where?

Instagram and the website of mine. Yes. Look, all the links are going to be below. Yeah, you don't have to do this. The links are there. We'll tag Joe and everything about it. Okay, of course we will. Please do.

And you could go to BBC IPlayer and watch episode 6,059 of a little indie production called EastEnders. Are you in it? Yeah. Yes. I just got a check for nine pounds from BBC I Player. Whoa. Whoa. I'm sorry?

That's crazy. You're in the movies. I didn't realize. That's crazy. Of course you have to come off Instagram. It must be relentless. God. Well, congratulations, Joe.

Thank you so much for being here. God bless you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks a lot to your name. Thank you. All right, Tura. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming in. Bye-ee. Bye. You can fuck off now. Thank you.