Trusty Hogs - Ep50. JOSH JONES / Massages, Manchester & Maypole

Episode Date: September 15, 2022

EPISODE 50! And it’s semicentennial episode for the ages as Josh Jones joins us for a super fun chat all about baking, working out, Northern culture, and the return of Parish Announcements…Follow Josh: @joshyjones92Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Kierah Leach / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie ChiversWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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I'm just going to quickly interrupt us with me to say, we recorded this episode in advance when we had no idea that QE2 was even feeling like under the weather. So we do not reference the death of our great monarch Queen Elizabeth at all. We thought we were being really smart because basically Catherine went beefer I'm going Oslo and we were like you know what we'll do we'll just record it

in advance and it'll all be fine nothing's going to happen and then the fucking queen kicks the bucket and I bet you're all going to be like oh my God I bet they're all going to talk about how she like killed Diana and about her non-son and like who's his date for the funeral going to be oh my God it must be Juulipa

she's too old but we're not doing any of that we're just chatting so just know that next week we will discuss it. We are recording it next week on the day of the funeral. So I don't know whether we'll do like a live update thing. We've got to figure it out. But of course it'll be, oh my God, it'll be so respectful. Please know that we're going to be so respectful because of all the amazing and wonderful and non-toxic things she did during her reign. This one's for you, Mom. We hope you enjoy this week's trusty hogs.

Hello, welcome to episode 50. 50. Can you believe it? I can't. I am so excited. We are going to do a celebratory episode on the 50 second because that marks like 52 episodes, which is a year of hog.

And I'm in charge of the 50th episode. Yes, no, yes. Was Helen in charge of the 50th episode and couldn't get her shit together in time? Did we then have to move it to the 50 seconds? Yes, yes we did. Does that seem... But I tried so hard.

But she tried. So we'll see you on the 50 seconds for a celebration in the meantime. Well done, team. Well done team Through the fog Step forth The trusty hogs

Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White on the tech Oh

It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs Trust the trusty hogs You know what? I think it's quite cool that we've done 50 of these and I still find you funny. Catherine,

and I still find you fit. Thank you. That's so mad. I will take it. Fine. This year. This year. Maybe I could try to be funny

and you could try to be fit. That's what I was going to say. That is so mad. I was about to say that. I was like, this year I'm going to have my hair done for every episode. I'm going to wear makeup and I'm going to wear nice clothes

that fit with no stains on there. I don't wear makeup every episode. But it looks like you do. Because your face is fucking mental. Like actually mental. You don't get styes. You don't get spots. You don't get sys.

Like it's insane. A lot of people do get styes. I don't think they do, but thank you for my compliment. Thank you for my compliment. Yeah, I think that would be really good. I'll try jokes. You try sex appeal. If you can do any more sex appeal, you're already.

I feel like I'm sexy. I feel like, do you ever have that thing? like when you like start something new, like the new year or every Monday or beginning of September when it's like new school year, you're like, this is going to be my new thing. Like I do it all the time with like an idea of exercise. Like I'm going to only ever walk to this place

or I'm going to go swimming twice a week or whatever. Or I'm not going to eat bacon anymore. Like what am I Jewish? No. So then it just doesn't happen. You're not nearly neurotic enough to be Jewish. Is that what it is? No, it's a religion, but I do also think it involves some self-awareness gone. For sure.

I've watched unorthodox. Bloody hell. Basically, I thought maybe I was going to be like, right, I do feel good when I dress up, just in general. You dress up a lot of time. Do you think? Because I've been trying to do it more recently. You obviously put an effort into your clothes. Thank you.

But I still, like, we'll just like, I'll wear something and I'll be like, oh, I might as well just wear this. And then I feel gross, but I feel like I've given my excuse, a self, an excuse to be gross because I haven't put any effort into it on purpose I'm in this place where you know post breakup when you're like kind of remembering who you are and doing things just for yourself and then also like want to feel sexy to other people where I'm making an effort and I realize truly the main effect is like it makes me feel it's I know it's so obvious I'm sorry to be so trinie and Susanna about it but it turns out it's like if you make an every I do feel like prouder of myself and a bit bit more like chin held high but you feel like more i don't know look

it doesn't have to be like a fancy outfit or like fancy i don't have to be sex oriented it doesn't have to be like sexy it's just like brushing your hair yeah like putting an earring washing your fanny i often think about this self-cleaning like like a lot of guys at school they kind of have this like they like be really like not wash and like have unkempt hair and like unmercy clothes brunch i just don't care what people think because like by that's I think that's a misconception. Like, you still have to care what you think or what you want to look like.

Yeah, that's it. And I think I was dressing just like to cover all the time. But like you always look like you chose an outfit. Like you know you look good. Like you, I think you're ward. I still want to go through. Okay, it has got better because I've had help of Brett who does styles you for TV and then I book to style me for a TV thing.

And also, let's be honest. We've started to make a little bit of. money and once you're not like worried about every penny you can actually buy yourself a nice but i feel like i still need to go through my wardrobe and like take out the things that really don't fit me like i've got stuff that's too tight i've got stuff that's too big throw them away like and just like make some decisive choices but it's so easy to say throw them away but like bodies do fluctuate up and fluctuate down i have thoughts on this because i was keeping an entire wardrobe for about 10 years i'm never going to fit back into because i intend never to have

an eating disorder again and so i know big hole um and so unless i get married obviously and then um you gotta get an ed wedding wedding wedding if your bride's not going through anorexic face how badly does she want to get married like does she love him does she yeah come on so um obviously unless that comes up in which case i'll have an outfit picked for that day so that was fine i don't need these but the point is i popped them all on vintage and it made me feel less like i was being wasteful and i actually made some money and then i used it i promised myself if i made any money on vintage which i did I would only allow myself to spend it on a new outfit that did fit. Okay, that's nice.

Yeah. Because I'm telling you now, I feel like my clothes that are too big for me. I know I should get rid of them because I'm never going to wear them at the moment, but also I always gain weight in winter. Yeah, so just pop them on vintage or put them in a drawer under your bed. But the stuff that's too small. A drawer under my bag. Or like, you know, away.

You know where my dust and spiders live. My dusty spiders live there. I know you're fucking lying because I know that you're a clean person. Look under my bed. Why are you pretending not to be a clean person? under my bed is a very different story. But the rest of it's very clean. I hate that for you. I hate it.

You don't hate that for Helen. So Neil's room so dirty. I don't want to know. So Neil's room so dirty. Yeah, I think when it doesn't fit anymore, like the thing is, if you lose weight, great, you can buy new clothes, but like, why are you holding on to things that does make you feel bad? Right. The only one I struggle with that with is knickers.

Oh, yeah. Well, those are supposed to cut, aren't they? No, no, not like, but like, you know when they get like a hole in them, I'm just like, I'm not going to throw them away because they're just like everyday pants. You should throw it. Don't do that face, right? Now let's, no, come on, hypothetical.

Right, I'm wearing. How many years would it take for your pants to have holes? Years, you can throw them away, Helen. What's this one, bluey? So let's say, I got a hole in these here. Throw them away. Okay, here. Why would I throw them away?

They're still serviceable, they're still wearable, and they can become, period, panty or week before, week after like paddling pool panty. Because it's the thing we talked about earlier, which is like how do you feel in yourself? Do you feel like you deserve pants with no holes in? See, this is it. This is why I need you around me

to remind me, because it's things like a haircut makes you feel good. Getting your nails done occasionally makes you feel good. A shower. Oh, I did them myself. Can you see this? I painted them pale pink and then can you tell where I cooked? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Literally stained them. With pasta sauce

I made myself with so much garlic that was like, I've had these garlic bombs for like five months. They're definitely probably off. And I got such bad acid reflux again. It was horrendous. You know, it. Forget it. You just stick with your holy pan. No, no, I want to improve myself. And you got a gift of some at Edinburgh. Remember somebody brought us those Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Oh yeah, yeah. And those aren't ripped yet. Um, what about, don't you have a voucher for that fancy bra place that we need to go to? Oh, shit. I'd love to go with you. Surely that's. No, what you said it was running out soon so please can I come with you yeah that must have run out by now well no no they'll

if you ring up they will they will honor it I think but let's go together soon great and if my mom's listening I used it and I loved it yeah but shall we go because that then we yeah we need to do that soon as well no I like holy pants and I've got my I've got my days of the week pants now maybe just one little pair one little part little marks and Spencer's pair for helen you do a womaness pair for helen come on helen you take baby heroin boar shopping I really want to go I actually didn't like that one no either I was not quite a weird I actually creeped my own Baby in the bra. Baby in Bois shop.

But shall we go? Baby's first boire. She's six months. I don't have it. It's like in toddlers and tiaras where they wear those like two pieces. Have you seen that? It's so odd.

So weird. It feels like it was weird when they put the flippers in. And it's the flippers, the fake teeth. Yeah. What my favorite thing about that now is like how much the judges

are enjoying it as a TV opportunity. Oh yeah. So it used to just be like all about the pageant mums. And the odd dad who was like, I'm not gay. I just love my daughter's guard and the wife. What's your name again? Linda, Linda.

Like, those dads. But now it's, you love gay men, don't you? I can't win happy. I really do. But now the judges are like using it as their moment on TV. So they're all trying to showcase their wacky personalities to become a recurring character. And they're like, oh, hey, y'all. my name's Devon.

I've been on toddles and tiaras twice now. Y'all may remember me for the one that punched that three-year-old on the face for doing the worst Mariah Carey impression ever. It is mad that their job is judging tiny baby children for pretending to be... Up to 16. Pretending to be adults.

Yes. But like cool adults. I hate it. Who's your favourite toddler and tiara? I don't think I know their names well enough to get. Oh yeah, no me neither. Yeah. Eden Wood.

Oh yeah. If I had to pick a favourite, she is a winner. She is a winner, and I know she's an obvious choice, but she's an obvious choice for a reason. She brings home gold. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know you mean.

She's a Grand Supreme, and her mom doesn't have to do in the audience, because Eden already goes. She fucking knows the words and she knows the moves. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Could we enter a pageant? No, but what about this? What have we co-parented child just for this purpose,

and then focus them in as soon as we get them? I'd rather compete myself first. I'm sorry. against the toddlets yeah because you're only four i'm only four i go in the yeah i go in the four to six category we arrive and i go i've got benjamin buttons i'm only four wait that is an amy schumer sketch i literally just said it that is a hundred percent an amy schumann's and tiaras and she plays and the the line is she's got benjamin button disease. Okay, we're the worst.

It's so good. I say weird. You just straight up stole that material. I was just picturing it in my head. Yes! This one, it's so good. And it's got Paulette Bonifonte. Oh, wow. I love Pulitzer. It's so amazing. Okay, everyone go watch the Amy Schumer Toddlers and Tiara sketch. It's very funny. Um, what's happening?

Are you fucking senile yet? Where does that come from? We're talking about babies. Yeah, and I had to get them. So, like, what's the deal? Are you that happening? No, I look. I said this to you. I don't know if it was on a podcast, I'm like a real life but like he came back from Edinburgh so cruel to me really because you've been living with bros and maggots last year he was like living a bro culture and he's just like really like

physically pushing me away I bought some magnums he didn't want to bite but he looked to me when he was really jealous because I was eating my magnum he was nasty to me during blackout times he is constantly going to the calendar and pointing at the weeks that I'm on tour when he's got what he calls freedom. Yeah. I just feel I'm welcome around him. Wow, that's really horrible. It's okay.

I expect to Harry about it. Do you think some sex would help? No. Because he won't let me, I touch him and he recoils, babe. Like, actually recoils. That's really rude. It's not rude because

you're part of the problem. Why? Are you fucking kidding me? Every day in Edinburgh you and Sunil had a conversation about like, oh, isn't it nice? She's not here.

Yeah, it's a little break and high-fived each other. And I've had this one. from him, and I know he's telling the truth because his description of what you did was very accurate. It's that face. And you'd be like, oh, it's nice being over here. I don't you feel better that Helen's in the courtyard.

Oh, yes. No, I just said, how is he enjoying living without you? And he would say it was nice without it. Every day, though. That was worth having a conversation about every single day. We don't have that much else in common except you. You have loads in common. You do the same job.

You have the same career. You live in the same city. And, you know, loads of the same people. All you have in common is thinking that I'm, quote unquote, exhausting. You are quite tiring. We've been doing this all day and I'm really tired. Right.

It's a little shock awake. Helen, like, is the only person who walks up to me and A, grabs my tits and B, so much of the time, slaps me on the ass. Yeah. Like, I've never walked on stage beside you without you first fully, fully fondling my ass. Like, sometimes it's too, it's genuinely too close to the hole.

Sometimes because she has very big hands and I've got like a small little butt. No, but that's what's great, your butt fits in my hands. Like it's that size. It's like a pert round thing but she like gets in. It's very, it's like a lot.

Because my butt is like, I'll show you now. If I put my butt up here, you put your hand on it. Right. Okay. Oh, nice.

Look at that. Yeah. That is quite the money shot. Yeah. It's not going to cover it, obviously. Yeah. Yeah.

Get up and I'll show you. This doesn't feel good. It does. It doesn't feel right. But let's show the butt of Catherine. And we. will see the hand. I don't know if this is,

is this good podcast? Yeah, it's really good podcast. I feel quite, I feel quite objectified. Oh, if you don't objectified, do not do it then.

You really think that's the rule? Yeah, don't do it if you feel objectified. No, okay, that's fine. We're just, we're not being,

nobody's going to be weird about my ass. They're just going to see how big your hand is. We're doing a comparison hand size. This is about hand stuff, not objectification.

But if you ever feel objectified, you just say, sexy mama. Oh, I'm just say, sexy mama. I'm going to make those titties and grab their ass. Hot titties, I don't have guts now.

Okay, but like size-wise, my hand is a fucking dream. Right? Do you see that? Yeah. Do you see that? That's the whole ass. Okay? So we're playing two very different games.

And I'm telling you now, if Catherine's hand and to my ass size ratio was the same as my hand to her ass, she'd be grabbing it too. It's very satisfying. Right. For every time you have grabbed my ass, think about the amount of times you've grabbed my tits, and then publicly said to people, you've got to feel the weight. You've got to feel the weight. No, come over here. You've got to feel the weight. But mine's not objectionation. Mine's like it. Go on. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. It's so reassuring. Oh, God. It's so reassuring. It's like I'm attached to Catherine's comfort blanket. I happen to think they're my breast. But for Catherine, they're my weighted blankies. They're weighted blanket. You could do like a village fate, like guess the weight. And whoever wins. gets the Bauer Bop. Oh, whoa, that's good. If you have a village...

The Lexfield will be queuing around the corner. I'll be willing to travel anywhere within like 25 miles of the M25. Wow, that far, right? Yeah, I'd say so. For a good village, Faye. For a good village... But we're talking like apple bobbing,

duck, duck hooking. Yeah. We're talking Splat the Rat. Maple. What's Spot the rat? Spat the rat. Then you drop a beanbag. down a drain pipe and you've got to like hit it on its way out and capture it

you just give me it just unlock some maple trauma for me okay um is this a gay thing no no no like the actual maple dancing no no when i was in primary school okay um well they had they keep it light andrew your stories are always so sad come on it's still sad okay um they i wasn't allowed to do the maple dancing i had to sit on the base of the maple so it didn't fall over but i realized looking back i can't remember when i started thinking about this it was like it had buttresses. It was fully supported. It didn't need to be sat on, but they made me sit on it anyway to make sure it didn't fall over. Because you were that bad a dancer? I guess. Oh my God. My, my, my, that's so weird. You all thought bad dancer. I was thinking because he was the big

boy. I mean, I mean, I was also the big boy. Oh my God. You're so mean. No, no, that's not mean. That's just more like as someone who was used consistently as the base or to hold things because the, the bigger kid is seen as someone who could do that jump. That's where my brain went, but yours was like you were a bad dancer. Whereas my confidence in my dancing skills are so why I would never even question that for someone else. It is interesting our different insecurities for being young. Andrew, if it makes you feel any better, I got to dance around the maypole. That makes me feel so much better, thank you.

How would that make you feel better? Just because he knows one of us was thriving. You're a savage. And I splat the rat. And I hooked a duck. And I, what, coconut shy, very good at that as well. What does that mean? What is this?

Village fate stuff? Have you been to a village fate ever? I don't think she understands what's happening right now. We don't have village fates. They've got mass. It's true. Why the fuck would you be busying yourself with anything demonic on a Sunday?

A village fay is like, it happens like once a year in each village, and it's in the summary time, and you do like vegetable competitions. We had a beautiful baby competition. No, Irish people look after their own children. And you don't compare babies. No, we look after our own kids.

Do you compare pets? We do compare babies. fair there used to be a bunny baby competition my brother came second where did you place i wasn't in it i was older than him but you're only thick now also i was a fucking lump of a yolk i was not like you were cute i was so spherical i was so spherical and ginger my dad used to call me the pudding every picture of me is like so so round i'm actually one of the few babies you know you're lying i was such an ugly baby no i don't care okay yeah technically you were gross i was so gross but you were so Kew.

She's like a little ginger lump of nothing. I actually somehow managed to look like a baby who is pregnant. Like I was such a fat baby. If you want to know what Catherine looks like as a baby, if you type in Brave Disney animation, in Brave, she's got three little brothers

called Hamish, Angus and Ferragus. Okay, all three of them, exact same body and facial type as Catherine. I was so fat. I always looked constipated like I was in labor, like I was giving birth. And honestly,

my eyes were so close. Yes. There they are three little kathrins and they've got the same faces they're not fat enough no no no no because my eyes were like closed in on themselves because i was so fat there was so much face that i couldn't really open them god i was hideous so cute i want to take you to um of the fair and fleet the village fair i'd love that i mean it's not a village fair because it's town but there's um lots of village fairs all around but coconut shy is a famous one where there's coconuts like dry coconuts and you throw balls and it falls off you get the coconut what hooking a duck is going to fall off you get the coconut hooking a duck is when there's like a little pond and there's a ducks on it and you got a hook one and then on the bottom it has a number and it relates to like a raffle price that's cool and then sput the rat drain pipe and then you hit it and then you got a strong man where you hit something and it goes all the up you didn't quite explain sput the rat in in okay so it was like an old piece of drain pipe and they drop a bean bag down and there's someone

at the bottom and you've got like a cricket back or a baseball bat and then like as the beanbag's coming out you got to stop it why it's because you spat the rat it's a game it's like a rat rat rap bean bagings okay and you win something and this is like did you not have televisions yes we had television yes not at the fair though okay cool what did you not have like some sort of like town festival or something like sheep prizes we used to do like best sheep it was like a parish day out you could have a parish where would you really hoping parish would be said because katherine's forgot parish announcements for the last four episodes no it's too like you forgot them for the last four episodes and i was you know really hoping it was

Never going to come up. Actually, we do have some parish announcement. We do, actually. Parish announcement number one, Helen Bowers, going on tour and you should catch it. Parish announcement number two. No talking. Parish announcement number two, we have officially got trusty hogs merch. It's up.

It's running. It's on sale. Andrew, what have we got? We've got T-shirts. We've got a notebook that says parish announcement. Yes. We've got magnets. Maggie's, say maggies.

We've got maggies. For SEO, SEO reasons, we'll be listing them as magnets. Yeah, that makes total sense. Would like people to be able to find them. And we may have some keychains as well. I didn't know we could key chains. Andrew, where can people find them and where can they buy them? They can find, if they go to our link tree in our Instagram and Twitter bios,

I'll make a page on your website as well, Catherine. Thank you. Comedycuffa.com.com forward slash trusty hogs. They may not be the exact sites, but they will lead you to the right place at the very least. Yes, yes. Yeah, but also let's make it very easy. They'll definitely be on my website by the time this episode goes out. It will be, yes.

This is so exciting. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm going to get so many t-shirts and I'm going to get so many fridge magnets and all of my friends are going to receive that as their birthday gift for the next year. Parish announcement number three, Andrew, we have a live podcast. We are doing trusty hogs live in London on which possible date. October the 23rd.

Absolutely wrong. Damn it! I was so confident! We're doing a live, Trustee Hogs in London. On my birthday, the 7th of October. The 7th of October on Andrew's birthday? That's your birthday? Are tickets on sale yet, Andrew? Tickets are on sale at

Cheerful Earful. If you search Cheerful Earful, Earful is the podcast festival. Yep. We are on the 7th of October at the Prince's Victoria Pub. Can we link that to my side as well? I will also do that, yes. So exciting. And Wu, what you would do for your birthday? I don't know.

We're doing the fucking podcast. live. Did you not hear? You want to go to somewhere before that, Andrew. No, it's not about Andrew, it's about our live podcast. Andrew, Andrew, I'll take you to Lego Shop. Oh, thank you. It's actually about the podcast, if we could focus in, that'll be really amazing. Okay, parish announcements

over. Oh, are they? Do you get to decide that? Are they, I don't know. Do you get to decide that? No, I don't. No. Parish announcements over. You are such a gun. I know. But also, you made me turn my ass to the world. Yeah!

Please welcome our amazing guests before we start fighting, Josh Jones! It's always here when we need them, specifically when we're about to tank the mood or the energy of the podcast. And before friction really beds in, it's our guest. Stop touching my tit, it's our guest, Josh Jones! Whee! Get off! Hi, Hogs, hope you're enjoying this episode.

This isn't a promo or a plug or anything, so don't skip it. This is a special insert from the extras, a little teaser of Helen doing an amazing impression of Fern Brady. That was so good. Catherine insisted it goes on the main episode. So enjoy this impression. And indeed, if you want full context, go join the Patreon. Thank you very much. I got a voice note from Fern saying I was listening to your podcast. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I was just listening to Catherine and you talking about how the fuck do you deal with being sick? It's fringe. who drinks two liters of orange juice that's basically like drinking pure sugar that's a really good impression and it was fucking horrendous and that actually has to go into the main episode because that's such a good impression of Frum Brady

Oh my God it's me, it's Helen and I'm going on my first tour ever Oh my God! This feels so weird. Like, even though I know I said I was going to do it ages ago, I'm now like, oh my God, I'm actually going on tour. Tell them where you're going. So many places.

Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberystwyth, Maidenhead, Norwich, Bristol, Manchester, Birmingham, Shrewsbury, Brighton, Cambridge, Nottingham, Oxford, Leeds, York, Liverpool, Leicester, Newcastle, Berlin, London Soho Theatre. Bloody hell, no excuses, no excuses. I saw that show in Edinburgh. I'm going to go see it again in Soho. It's so fucking good. She's a genius

She doesn't need a microphone But she is good It's good It's funny It's loud You'll have a lovely time All the tickets are on my website at helenbauer.com.

UK under live Please come join me on tour And please bring people with you Because it's my first tour And it'd be really awkward If it's just me and one half Only four and five star reviews God I guess it's actually really

Really good No I got a three and a half So talk Okay you're only four and five dollar reviews Only four and five star reviews We love her I did get a three and a half From one guy

and he literally did not understand the show. And he was like, women were crying. I didn't get it. Give a shit. Give a shit. Thank you so much for listening to my advert. You come see baby Helen. Poor little Helen.

She's only four. Poor fat Helen. See you there. Please welcome Josh Jones. Hello. Hello. Thank you for you. Oh, thank you for you in the podcast.

Does anyone ever want to call you Joan Josh? I don't think so. I always get confused in my head. Really? Because it's like Josh Jones and I always think, oh, maybe it's Jones Josh's. Like, Joan Josh's. Jones's been for Josh?

I don't know why. It's one of those names I really struggle with which is the first and which is the second. Really? Yeah. I think as a comedy name, mine's pretty easy. I think so too. Yeah.

You just thought that. But there's always going to be a dumb slut like me, wandering around being like what? What is it? Hey Josh Jones, you've gotten very buff lately. Thank you. I have been Jim in it.

Have you? Have you actually? Look at him. I've seen you loads over the last month and you were just drinking on the street. I've not been Jiminate at the Friends. Okay, right, that makes more sense. Look at him.

Yeah, he's buff. But in the last 12 months of Jiminy. Can I just say, though, the day I saw you on the stairs and I was like, and then Stu was like, look how buff Josh has got. And she,

belittled me. Of course she did. And said, no, he hasn't. It's not that big. Don't show up. No memory. It was in the smoking area of the building we was living in.

Oh my God. Don't even remember that building. And it was the day I got nominated and he was like, congratulations, you know, I'm the two small. No memory. But basically what happened. No memory.

She did. You know what? I just remembered that interaction was filmed. So I'm going to stop saying her memory. That was definitely. Definitely filmed by Stu Laws. Oh, that's so funny. He had a camera in our face, the whole fringe.

She, by the way, wants to come on the podcast because apparently we talked about his, like, sexual life or something. The M&M store, sex party. Okay, so I remember just as talking about the M&M store with Stu Laws and Evelyn Mock, but apparently he was like, we talked about his sex life on it.

Oh, yeah, you did, yeah. Okay, we will get two dogs on. Me and Stu, we got to stop doing that. Me and Stu during the fringe went for a couple's massage together. That's gorgeous. It was that Esther and Lily were in one room and we were, all four of us went together.

It was the first ever massage I've ever done. What? And Lily was like, what massage do you want? Like massage or deep tissue. And I've said, oh, deep tissue. Oh, painful. Yeah, she put an easy me back. Yeah, that she was assaulted.

Yeah. And then she got me legs. She pulled my legs like up like that and then wrapped her legs around her and leaned forward. Yeah, she fucking abused me. Good for you. Did you feel amazing? after like like no back pain no yeah i think so want to talk about it properly it was um first of all

when it when we turned up because i thought mass i thought it's going to be so like whatever next time get like an aromatherapy massage or like maybe maybe Swedish but doesn't sound like you're into tie i love tie i'm like beat me the fuck yeah no she beat me up i thought and i was it was next to city cafe oh yeah no no the best massage parlor next to a fast food joy Oh my God, it was like that. All right the psychology. Yeah. It's a good place.

All they used to go there. It's a great place. No, they all enjoyed it. They've had a massage before. I didn't know what to compare it to you. I thought it'd be a bit relaxing. I thought I'd be like, do you know, like when you have a massage and a partner and they go quite firm.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I thought that was what deep tissue was. No, deep tissue is like, like breaking school. Wait, can one of you, can you deep tissue this arm, Josh? And can you give me like an aromatherapy Swedish thing? Why doesn't, no, no, you should do it. Oh.

BCG. G tissue. What is that? It was all this. Is the pressure good? Catherine's is nicer. The pressure is good. And on this,

she like pulled my back and stuff. Why? How are you feeling now? And she went, is that okay? And I said it was okay. Are you having a lovely time? Yeah, that's what.

Do you have any plans for later? That's lovely. I'm going to turn you over now. See, I wanted that. That, whatever that is, get that. That was, asked you Lars, when they was like, right, you're done now.

And when they was leaving the room, she went, sorry for her in you. She full on abused me. Sorry for her, to hear you. Did she have your accent? No, no, she didn't have my accent. But, you know, it would be bad to try it. No, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Oh, yeah.

I was like, you can do a scotch accent. This is a really good way of Josh showing off his muscles by showing how his arm turned around. Whoa, you're so buff. So buff. But, you know, she took your top off. Take your top off. No, because I need to shave me top. Can I ask a question?

Do you feel underpricing? pressure as a gay man to feel to be like a specific type of aesthetically pleasing not as much not now I'm nearly further I'm a bit more but when I was like 20 I did go underweight for a while I was the twink way I thought oh I'm a twink but now it's like it's weird because it's like now you just don't give a fuck because my the guy I'm dating now yeah he's more of the top and I'm more of the bottom but I can deadlift him and I can squat him yeah So it's like the boundary and like the what my idea. Sometimes the little one's the top.

Yeah. But also like my idea, the idea of masculinity and femininity doesn't really bother me anymore. Because I know that like loads of people like every review or whatever I get is always like camp, camp, camp, camp. But I'm like, really I'm not. I just sound really gay. Yeah.

But like I sound really northern. Yeah. I won't like. That's the first thing that pops up for me. Yeah. But it's interesting, isn't it, like how? Like, you talk and I want a greggs. And I say that with love.

And I think that's a good thing. But whenever you go, I'm just sort of like state bake. When I was in school, he used to sell cigarettes in school. And I would buy pass. You feel like you were also the dinner lady? Yeah.

I would buy sausage rolls on the way to school. It was from Martin's bakery. It was four for one pound fifty. Martin. Wow. Four for one pound fifty. That can't have been actual. Great.

A Manchester bakerer. Okay. Next time you're at the frog. find one. I'm literally in Manchester and two eight. You'll love it. There's no way you're getting four sausage rolls for one pound 50 that they actually have proper

meeting. No, but they were delicious. Okay, good. Whatever that peanuts was good. Pigeon is pigeon, doesn't matter. But when I was a teenager, I had to stop eating pastry for like five months because I was having four sausage rolls a day

and I was waking up with heartburn. And then, because my mum can't cook because she would just fill the fridge with, do you know, those 30p like cheese and onion pasties? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, that would be what I'd have when I'd get from school so it was like every meal was just pastry and I was like ugh so like this is the thing you want to not is it as far as a pastry like stereotypically I'm well more northern than I am gay I don't want to stereotype the north because then

that southern woman is like fucking northerness but they're all Waterloo Road all of them 100% and I like Waterloo Road I actually respect your culture but they're fucking teen pregnancies the baby's sucking on sausage rolls instead of a pacify her it's fucking mental like everyone ever i've never baked pie for you no no but i i've baked pie for quite a few friends no like i'm in five yeah i bet i'll do you okay i get compared and here we find ourselves watching the classic lesbian versus gay man fighting over who makes the best pie this is the only the only toxic masculinity trait i have okay whereas i don't make sweet because i do think the awful little bitches i'm sorry i'll make i do save i'll make sweet and you do savoury have

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And who eats them? Helen. Yeah, little heaven comes over. My grand taught me how to bake when it was nine. So I used to just bake pies to myself on like Friday night. I'd call it a Julia Roberts day.

So I'd watch Julia Roberts film and eat pies with a ladle. Do we have something in common? Catherine's nipple just got it. Because my grandmother and my mother told me to bake at that age too. And I would similarly watch a stepmom and then eat the plate apple pie I made. Is that you go to Julia Roberts? No, I mean, Notting Hills, everything, obviously.

Yeah. But I think Aaron Brockovich, when I got older, but I hadn't come out yet because I'm quite old. That's the one you wank to, isn't it? Aaron, you talked to jade about wanking to it on the podcast. Sorry. I found it, I think it's quite a difficult wank actually. I watched it. It's a difficult wank, but it is doable.

No, it's true. No, no. That one is. That is a difficult wank. Before you get into the diabetes stuff, at the beginning of Steel Magnolias, where it's just Dolly Pine and the hair salon, there's a moment. If you really focus at the beginning of the film,

I'd say warm up during the opening credits. When the dad's shooting the beds out of the trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a climax moment. That's the climax. In Notting Hill, I feel like it's when she's saying she doesn't really understand the point of tips in bed together and, oh God, it's such a second.

I can't believe we're once again having a chat about which Julie Roberts film to wank to on the podcast. Sorry, I really find her very attractive. I just, I love how we managed to get here again. She's in my top 10 favorite women. Oh, yeah, good. She's, for me, aesthetically, the second most beautiful woman alive. Who's the first?

Kate Beckinsale. Fair, absolutely. From Pearl Harbor? Underworld, actually. It was, it was like a sexual confusion because that was like one of the things where I was like, maybe I am bye. But now I'm older, I realize, I just want that plever suit that she was wearing. Yeah, yeah, we all do. Sure.

Yeah, sure. She looks so good. Really good choices, very hot women, I would agree. And she has aged. yeah whatever that 48 whatever her poly system is it is fucking work

she is so gaffolding if everyone seen fucking amazing okay I need to get what's what's what's underworld about

vampire who cares but that's all she wears a leather just go just go on her Instagram and look at her now

48 years old you won't believe she does really good funny content she's got a good she's got a really funny cat

and sometimes funny I love how you're selling Kate Beck said to me like she's an obscure person that no and you need

to support her you should I'm sure Kay Beckinsale is doing fine without me following her. Yeah, she's in. God, she's fit. And then army of a favourites and Marvin actresses, Sarenne Jones, Zerval Lancashire. Love them, love them, love them.

Okay, I basically, my Instagram at the moment, not to like make it all about me, but I will. So like I don't get any like Hollywood actors or anything like that. All I'm getting are kittens. Like I don't know what's happened. I'm not even like a massive cat person. I'm famously more dog, rodent like bug, bug, You've liked one video.

Your algorithm's like, this is a cat lady. So I'm getting cats showing their kitten to the baby of the house. Do you wonder if that makes sense? So the owners have a baby. And then the cat also has a baby. And the cat keeps on bringing the kitten to the baby to be like, look, I also made a baby. And then these like mad, I'm going to assume lesbians have dubbed it.

So that when the cat meows, it's like, I'm just bringing my baby to your baby. And I'm just there at home fudding myself stupid Like having the best time ever Do you think it's maybe because you Google Like how much Domino's can I eat as one person often

And they just like catwoman Yeah probably actually that makes that I just think I got I think it's I basically I follow like round animals and stuff on Instagram Yeah Round animals

Round animals So it's just animals who were like fully round I was trying to Google which dog it is best to have with our job. So I was trying to Google what dog is good

to sit at the back of a room and kind of like while you're on stage you can sit there a dead dog stuff. Poodle mixes anything with poodle in.

It was a Kings Charles Spaniel. I love. I love Spaniels with their floppy ears. They're floppy gorgeous ears. Apparently they're good gig dogs because they'll be like quite easy to train and can sit at the back

and not back too much. I love dogs so much. I love them so. Catherine Cry. I thinking of getting one. Have you met Dottie? Lulu Popperwell's Yes, cool.

Oh my God. Great dog. Now that's the perfect dog. Um, guys, we have to solve a problem. I want to hear more about these dogs. Yeah, but then afterwards you tell me more about these different dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a great day.

Wow. You were so northern. Yeah, it felt like a car. Wait, wait, wait. That was a great day northern. That's a pedigree dog. Okay. I know, I know, I know.

You can be, you can be middle and upper class in the north. I meant that nobody in London has the face. Can I just say, right, I've not been read, I didn't read any of me, I didn't be reviews until after. Oh, I read all of them. Oh, I read all of them. I've read them all now. Mine, I'm happy with all mine.

I didn't read any of you as well. But, um, but one of them said, and it was still four stars, where he said, Josh Jones is intelligent despite his thick working class, and have an accent. Fuck. And then at the bottom he said, does not deserve a great day.

He didn't say that. But I am now crazy. My first year, my reviews were all about like working class comedian Helen Bauer. And so this show, I said, I'm middle classed about 20 times in it, just to be clear. Because it's like, what the fuck is happening right now, guys? Do you know what I mean? It's crazy. It's fucking gross.

I loved it. I was like, oh, God, this is hilarious. Thank you for some material. What a con. Yeah. I'm not even getting. Congratulations on having a great day. Yeah, it was when I was younger, younger.

And also in my defense, I have, I have. when you watch Waterloo Road and Shameless. Yeah. Oh, have you not seen the Royal Family? Obviously the Royal Family, of course. So, well, there we go. Once again. Because he's got us,

because it's a Scouse Dad, people forget, but it isn't like Manchester. Yeah, fair enough. You're right, I'm sorry, I got confused with the Scouse. Um, should we do a problem? Yeah, please. Got any regional problems in there, Andrew? Oh yeah, let's have a Manchester problem.

I don't have a Manchester. I don't know a man's stuck in the chimney. I've lost my pie. It's better than your Irish accent. Please come see me on tour in Manchester. You're in the frog? Yeah. It's not a regional one, but it does, it is specifically for the perspective of a gay man.

How about read it in a regional accent? How about don't? How about read it? Thank you, Catherine. Oh. Yeah, I would have been bullied into that and really made a fool of myself. So, cheers. This is from A.

Hi, A. Boss up. Oh. Hello, A. Hi, guys. I love the podcast so much, but I need some advice. First, yes, who said hello to the person who's writing in. How hard for that?

No, that's beautiful. People are I was like, well done you. Okay, sorry, go on. I have a massive crush on a boy in my friendship group, and while we were both drunk, he made it really seem like he liked me, too, which I subtly mentioned in casual conversation later, brackets, problems, and mistake. He is out as by, so I, also a guy, know that at least theoretically I have a chance. However, we are both going to different colleges, and me and him aren't really that close,

so I'd only really see him in group situations. It's either I go for it, which I have no clue how to do, or I try and get over it. What I think, this I think has been my first major crush and I've already been struggling with it. So what should I do? Should I try and move on? Should I make a move? If I do make a move, how should I do that? Love your advice for both outcomes. However, I'm not prepared to emigrate to Germany or get stuck in a well. Well done. Hey, well done. A. Very good disclaimers. Very good disclaimers. Can I say, I would say, don't ever.

discount, the well or jamming, but I will say with this one, a hundred percent going for it. Just ask you ma'am. What the fuck is that? I mean, I get that it's the first crush. The reason I think that you should ask them out, where ordinarily in friend circles, I'd be a bit more precarious, is the fact that you only see each other in group settings. So like it's not like it's going to ruin a friendship because you're

not best friends. It's not like it's never going to be buffers because you do have mutual friends. It's not like you're going to the same college. All the times are there, go for it. But then how do you do that? What do you do? And also, if they're at college, they're only young. Ask Ask them out. Get not back about it. And then by the time you're 27, you'll be a bit more outless and a bit more like, oh, fuck it,

it doesn't matter. But, like, you've got to get knocked back. You can't golf your life without getting turned down. All the time, no one gives a shit. Like, if anyone does anything, you just sort of go, yeah, I'm shooting my shot. Like, it's not a deal. As well, if you do get knocked back, there's nothing more fun than, like, a sad takeaway. When you're like, I'm going to die a low.

At least you'll feel something. You'll have a great evening. But also the world. Do you imagine being 16 and ordering a takeaway and because you're heartbroken. Like 16 and being like, right, I'm going to the Chinese. Love you hair. My life, my life. I don't know the Julia Roberts day, for me.

But as well, A, said that the guy was a bit drunk and was like, oh, like. Yeah. That is, that's as close as someone gets to saying, oh, I like it. And people don't really go, I like you so much anymore. No. It's more like, I think you've got nice hair. Yeah. Like, oh, you look so strong.

Yeah. Oh, my God, is that why I'm in here? Is that what you say when you like people? I'm more like, I'll fucking hate your hair. You're negative. You're naked. But I, but I don't you think because we've been doing online dating so much that like it's you've already, you just meeting up with them has already like, don't know that.

Yeah, yeah, you've made the concession. It's quite weird. I've never really. I think just go for a flush poppy. The only people in my life who we really speak to that much of comics and I would just never so. Yeah. You would never. Never. Yeah. No, I would never be like, lay it down. I'd give you a good. good night. Thank you. I'd give you a really special night. I've been in your bedroom. Can

we do it? You have actually. With the, um, with the, um, the Disney years. Yeah, we'll do it with the Disney years. Thank you, Elle once again for those Disney years. Me and Josh wore them for like an hour together. So I think we've recapped enough to, I didn't answer enough to say that we think that you should go for it, A. And that ultimately actually being rejected is way better than wondering whether or not you should have. And also it's a learning curve in in of itself and reason for takeaway. So win, but I think in order to answer the second part of the question, which is like, How do you go about that? I go, I know.

I know. Okay, so either you go, like, let's go for a slash property and then you go, I really fancy you, do you want to go for this? Or you go for the back route, which is go to the cinema and just start touching their leg really intensely for no reason.

I wouldn't do that one in like today's world. Yeah, no. Really? That seems very 2007. But you could drop a Maltese. No, no, no. And collect it with your mouth. That's it.

Dropping up Malteseer and. was cock and balls and go, whoops, the daisy. Do you want to see a trick? And then you go down and you go, you suck it up. No more. No dick teasing, molteasing. No flushies.

I think there are better options. Okay. Swimming. And then you fake drownings, they have to carry you. I've been saved by a lifeguard. Hot. Oh, that's hot. Yeah.

Did you fake it to get saved? Yeah, who would do that? I was about free. And I was like adamant that I saw a shark. I was like, I've seen a shark. I've seen a shark. My dad was like, you haven't. No, babe.

But I was like, I did. Where were you? to talk about um france in a caravan holiday we used to drive we used to drive from manchester to france in my dad's um to where france to where france you know who i ever said it weird no you're saying it correctly and he had a nissan space cruiser have you ever seen one of them yep oh the most unreliable proper bangers i don't know if i think a nissan micro you have you've definitely seen space cruise there for sure i'll show you one i'd appreciate that they're um Yeah, so we used to drive to France in that and the doorway, oh my God, I've said it.

No, I love it. I can't. I'm sorry, that's me. I'm sorry, I'm objectifying your, I'm, I'm absolutely fetish. Say Germany. Germany. Germany. Grewser, right. But Josh, here's my question. Oh, sorry. You're the actual gay man at the table. Yes. How do you go about this? Yeah, that was our car. I see. Fucking mental. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They really are like a much, much, much worse.

Spietal. Yeah. Horrendous. Okay, so tell us. Thank you, gosh. About this. Yeah, so what do you think you should do? I just think you should just say, do you want to go for a drink? Keep it casual. That's 16. Yeah, they can't go.

They're going to college. Yeah. They should say. They should go yates. Yeah, but you'd be drinking. In person or should they ask over text? Um, I would. I would say in person.

Why? Just because, um, teenage. boys can be very like childish leave no proof they can show the text to other people and show their friends so like if they turn you down they might get a little bit of a buzz of like oh i turned a down so just ask them in person which would make them a cunt by the way but yeah i think no yeah but like they might not do that but i think that's why i would maybe as a queer person i think sometimes it's important to make like what you mean clear because sometimes we wonder if the other one means what they mean or like

if they know we're gay or whatever so i wonder if it's maybe worthwhile while wording it that it's like would you like to get a drink just the two of us sometimes. But that's why

the Maltese is so clear. It's the same thing that we're saying. Go for a drink and ask them out. I said slush puppy. Make it clear Maltese are on the dick.

What did I? I just, I hate that I say it. It's good advice. Clearly A doesn't give a shit about my advice because I've already given good advice for Germany

and well and they don't give a shit. Yeah. Fine. Fine. It's a first day. It's a first day. I literally is the same advice.

I think it's so cute that they're out at 16. Me too, me too, I'm also like jealous. Me too, and brave. I was out at 16. Of course you were. I was. Of course you were.

I think I was like 11 and I was like, I guess I'm straight. Very brave. You're so brave. You're so brave. My god. My mom got it. My dad didn't.

Took some time, but we got there. You know, you didn't show them that you're still as little girl. You know, even though I'm gonna be sucking cock. You know, I'm still as a little princess. Yeah. Yeah, it's mad at how gay people actually do have to convince our parents that we're still the same people.

Yeah. Any more problem? That's bad. Very fun. I didn't have that, but I had more kind of convincing my mom that I was safe. Did you have a kind of concern? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, there's definitely a worry that, like, because when I guess...

What was her worry, like, safety-wise? I mean, like, I just, like, mad. She'd read me out, like, news stories of, like, homophobic stabbings in Peru, and I'd be like yeah that does not affect me oh but also like when I came out in 2007 great yeah um maybe maybe longer than that um I was like 19 and I have a 19 yeah and gay marriage was illegal yeah you couldn't adopt it was like not even on the table as a debate in the country I lived in and it was like a bad time like you got if I held somebody's hand I got like abuse always so Um, so I think it was like, I don't know why you do, I don't, I couldn't think you

baby, baby, it's like, I'm so sorry, I read that moment because that was, couldn't I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I'm literally, I'm so sorry, I'm sure you was being sincere, but I just don't believe it at all. I just couldn't believe that that was a true moment. That is the worst. Catherine's opening up I'm listening and learning what we're supposed to be doing

I just couldn't watching you empathise it is inherently funny I'm so sorry that was so rude to you no no and now I feel like was my face done can we do like a smash cut

rewind on that absolutely not no no I can see if my face was actually empathetic or not it's fine it's fine listen that was so funny I just

I would have never seen you like that before. I thought it was hilarious, weird. Yeah. No, my point is just like. Did you do that often? Like once a week? Oh my God. Like that would be done now.

Sometimes she'll be nice to me. I don't know her and if I'm like on my period wasn't expecting it, I always cry because it's so, I'm so unused to it in our dynamic. Yeah. That, um, yeah, it's really, really guessing. Which is mad because she really begs for it and then I give it and then she's like, I wasn't ready.

It's like, why are you not ready after that 20 minutes of being like, do you wanna say I miss you too back? Me and Morgan did. Because obviously we record in here as well. Yeah. You and Morgan have a, Morgan Reese have a podcast called chatting with cherubs. Chatting with cherubs and it's queer and delightful.

Oh, okay. Yeah. But also Morgan receives messages all the time being like, you're the Catherine and Josh is the Helen. No way. I have been told that. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Which I think is a big compliment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel really good about it. Me too, me too, me too! No, no, I am... I do agree with it though, yeah. Yeah. But basically... Is it just because I'm by, he's by your gay and Helen's also into gaming? No, it's because I can't go an episode

without being like, I just randomly, I can't help it. Like, someone will come up and I'll be like, I love getting bummed! And I'm just like, my mind comes up. You've not mentioned that, but like... Actually, I have spoke about how I've never been asked for anal. Oh, my. Don't, I don't. I don't.

Honestly, that'll be a fucking... Yeah. Which is mad, so I have used a wet wipe. I use the Andrex wipes to clean because I don't think toilet paper's enough I don't but I've got so much toilet paper right around my ass, I don't want to know I started my period just now

I want to hear your private chat I have got so much toilet paper here right now it is insane Helen Insane M has a pad you can have What sort of size pad are we talking

because it's a long cunt Give me, give me. Yeah. I am. We're gonna do it once Josh before you do that. Yeah. I am. Thank you, M.

I stayed at me new fellas last night. Ooh. Boy, man. He lives around the corner and I packed loads of stuff like everything I needed. Like my strives and nothing and shirts and stuff and forgot underwear. So I've actually been commando all day. What? Oh my God.

I hope you don't get your period. I know. I had it last week. Boys don't, he doesn't get a period, Catherine. You're a good guess. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. Before you go, first of all, where do people follow you on Instagram?

If you just Google Josh Jones comic it, I'll come up. I don't know on my social media. You don't know your handles? No. And you Joshua S. Jones. Oh, that's on Twitter, but I don't really use that because I'm dyslexic. But on Instagram, then it's the other one, which is Joshy Jones 92. And the best thing about dyslexics is their spelling will still be wrong on Instagram,

but bless us, we're so thick, we forget that it's not. And you can edit it on Instagram with Twitter. It's there. But I wanted to say some of that me and Morgan did that. I think you two should do. Okay. Because before on our podcast, we did a list of three reasons why we think we could be in a relationship

and three reasons why we couldn't be in a relationship. Whoa. And you two should have to do it's free each? Yeah. Okay. Three reasons why we could be in a relationship. We both care about the aesthetic environment in which we live. Yes.

I'd say we've got similar hobbies and passions. passions in life. We holiday well. We holiday well. I don't know if our holidays would be that compatible. I would spend money on whatever you wanted.

I would take good care of you. I would buy you a lot of gifts. You love gifts. Catherine's love language is giving gifts and mine is receiving gifts. Yeah. Okay, great. So our house would look nice.

I'd be happy for you to holiday without me because then I could have a rest. And I'll buy you lots of gifts. I think there's a mutual respect and love for each other. We could do Hello Fresh. Also, you'd be very trophy wife for me and I totally love that.

Thank you. There's a lot of reasons that we'd be great. Oh, and you can get all the stuff from the top shelf from me. I'm so little. Oh my God, yes! Is that enough?

Yeah, how do you feel about the fridge magnets? I think that Helen should have her own room, like a Helen's den and she should have a little fridgy in there. I would love Helen's Denny. Which I would love for it to make for you. Yeah, but Maggie's would have to be on display.

In your room. They're a conversation piece in the main kitchen. Are you fucking kidding me right now? On my smith. If we are living, together. Why do you have a smeg all of a sudden? You don't have a fucking smeg. You've got no money. Fucking come at me, bitch.

No, you fucking don't. Fucking try me getting Andrew to reinvesty for one Starbucks. Fucking insane. If we're sharing a life, we are sharing the fridge front. Right, relationship over. I'm actually not doing it.

We could not have a relationship. I think Helen sometimes overreact in our me. Give me one example, you fucking whore. She lashes out. I thought it'd be a nice bandy in my own. She lashes out.

You lash out. You lash out. And to be honest with you, I think she has too much keenness for Dick for a wife for me. Yeah. I mean, that's good. I would be open if you were the peggar to see how that would go. I don't think that you want to be with me though because I would be, I would want to plan too much. You, yeah, I think that's the one thing I'd struggle with is you are desks. to organise fun.

Yeah. I think I need that though because I'm so, I just can't control my life. If it's fun, it's fun. No, but how will we know when the fun's starting

and ending and who's... Because you're there because you can't feel fun without you in the middle. No, no, no, no, no, no. When are we eating? Who's organizing it? You know what I'm saying?

Who's... We don't have to organise it. I hate it. I was like yesterday when I went for a meal, I didn't, I was like, oh, you just choose what I eat.

I couldn't be asked. Could you do that? Could you give hell of? the control of the full meal. Obviously not. No. Obviously not. Yes, you could.

I could order for you, I reckon, at this point. Yeah, maybe, okay. Actually, to be fair, I will say this, you are an incredible listener and you do know me. You then take everything you know, use it against me. Yeah, that's true. Make a lies about my income. I'm saving.

Yeah, you're saving. And bitch, I got a pension. No, you didn't. Because, way to use... Pension B. Yeah, way to use what she knows against me. My landlord in Edinburgh, was like, you can only give me a gift

because she knows I'll have to give her a gift at the end of the month if you've got a pension by the end of the month. God, that's good. God, she's good. She said, I cannot believe Helen has a pension before you.

You need to put that out or else. Do you have a pension? I went on pension being I got a pension. It's got 60 pounds in it. I was going to wait until this next tax year and then, yeah. I had money in it from other stuff that I'd pay for. Yeah, from other jobs.

So I got like hundreds of pounds. I didn't realize I'd pay for. Mine were all minimum wage. But I got $8. I got $8. $921 from those or something. Yeah, but still, it's so good. Do I do you feel like more growing up now?

I really do. I think we would be good with each other. I think we'd allow each other to live good lives. We'd have love it. But I think inherently, we would end up with a murder. Yeah. But that's kind of how the podcast is going to end anyway, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

That is the season finale. And then it transitions to a true crime podcast. It does make the plan, isn't it? Run by you and M? Yeah, yeah. And it's just like a big board. Hey, um, do you have? dates that people can come see you i'm going on told but i can't remember it but if you follow

just follow josh on instagram you're really bad of promoting yourself i'm so bad you are a very good comedians i do google josh jones comedian yeah follow me on instagram if you want a question asked me on there i answer dms a lot of them well let's not say that from the air it's a bit okay um cool josh jones you're a joy thank you thank you so much thank you the romantic spark between Thank you. Thank you.