Trusty Hogs - Ep56. BRONWYN SWEENEY / Hauntings, House Hunts & Halloween

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

A delight to have exciting new comedian Bronwyn Sweeney in for our spooooky special… There’s ghost stories aplenty and not the usual sad ones from Andrew! Catherine is pushed to her paranormal limits, but can she at least find joy in teaching Helen about Banshees? FOLLOW BRONWYN: @Bron_ComThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Janinna Bautista / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to episode 56 of Trustee Hogg! Hello, welcome to episode 56 of Trustee Hogg! I already said it. Why did you say it again and then worse? I hate you don't even start. I hate you. This is the second episode where we've opened like this. No, we've never opened like this before. This is, no, usually what she tried to do is speak in tandem with me, whereas now she's doing what she used to do now. She's now doing what she used to do now. Do you want me to compliment your jumper or not? Yes. Well, I'll try to you. Can you stop being a gobschite and I'll tell you you have a nice jumper?

Yes. Nice jumper. Is that from Monsters Inc? It's Monsters Inc. Woo! Welcome to episode 56 of Trusty Hoggs. How many times are we going to say 56? It's just nice because then they play the theme tune and it goes into like, Through the Fog.

I really hope they're already playing the theme tune and that nobody's having to listen to this shit. Through the Fog. Step for the Trusty Hogs. Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't. that's your problem they'll have guests and Andrew white on the tech oh it's helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs trust the trusty hogs or maybe not good morning hi episode 56 trusty hogs here's a thing um we're we're so far in now that i can't remember not doing this

podcast and i feel like i have stockholm syndrome like i'm I don't know if I even like you, but I look forward to seeing you. Where is this coming from? Listen, I'm just saying you're not a great host. Co-host. Oh, okay. Hello to any new listeners. Hi, welcome to the podcast.

My name's Helen Bauer. This is Catherine Bohart. Hi, we're friends. Stand-up comedians and best friends. Yes, I said friends. Okay, I have no idea where this is coming from. I just feel like you should maybe, what if, like, what have I said hello and welcome to episode 56? And then you were like, this is the podcast where are we?

Like I always do. Episode 57 will do that. That's fair. I think that's fair, no? Thank you very much. I think it's charming, Arbant. My feedback session is over. Can you genuinely not remember a time before the podcast?

No, and it's also important to say, hi. I'm sorry, I'm actually being really mean to you for no reason. I got in from Sheffield at 3 a.m. from a gig last night, and I'm very tired. That's what's actually happening. And while my hair looks amazing, I need you to know that I'm actually extremely tired. 3 a.m. from Sheffield? Yeah, I get it. I was in North London yesterday and I got home at like 9.30, so I'm like, oh, I'm wiped. I'm wiped. I'm wiped. I'm white.

I'm trying to choose a higher road. I had so much sleep. Don't I look like a little 90s nerd? You do? You look very Annie Hall. Like, Annie Hall, not, what's his name? Woody Allen. Not Woody Allen. Not Woody Allen. Annie Hallish. That's how you look. Annie Horish. I'll take it, man. Andrew? You like that? I'm not wearing a bra. I'm not wearing a bra. When you said Annie, it's me. Helen! Helen! You can't just grab my bare tits. Yes, I can. I have overriding consent from you.

I have no bra. That's part of the reason I grabbed. Okay, let me tell you what's going on with me. One, I discovered an incredible podcast last night that I think you're going to love it. And I far read from me to advertiser as another podcast this early in the episode, but I'm going to do it because you're going to die with me in this podcast. It's called normal gossip. anyone listen to it? No.

Oh, my God. Okay, so it says woman, she has a guest every episode and they discuss in theory, like they intellectualize and justify the merits of gossip. So they'll be like, gossip's actually a really great tool for disseminating information

for people who are like in groups that aren't, that are marginalized. So like, it's a great way for women to keep it through safe. It's a great way for people to like check safe spaces, all that jazz. And then they use that as a vehicle to get into a fucking great gossip story.

Oh my God. emotionally manipulating the conversation so they can be like, he's trash. So they're like, in many ways it's actually like ethical and intellectual to gossip. Let's gossip. And it's so good. And then they tell the story from a listener that's been anonymized. And the gossip stories are

genuinely insane. They are fascinating. Every single turn. And they pause to ask the guests like, what would they do at this point? What would they do at this point? What would they do at this point? And you're like, I spent parts of the car ride yesterday being like, what? It was, it's, it's So good.

Wait, who are you driving with? Delicious. Oh, I was doing a corporate so this lovely man of Louis drove me there and back. My life's not hard to be fair. Louis was so nice. Bless Louis on the way back from Sheffield.

That man was tired. I was worried about him. But like not worried about him. Not worried enough to unplug your headpipe. He's like, stop listening to the gossip podcast. It was such a good podcast. It was such a good. I'll check it out.

Yeah, he was so nice. And a man with an electric scooter ran into his side mirror. And I felt bad because the reason we were there on that road was because I wanted coffee. Anyway, Louie doesn't love me as much as I love him. The point is,

this podcast is great, so I strong recommend for that. What else is going on with me? As good as finding a new podcast. Especially one that has a couple of series. You're like, oh, thank God. Yeah, I just listened to the mystery show

and there's only one series of six episodes and I was like, it's so good, but it's not enough. It's not enough. Truly, normal gossip was sent to me by my friend Katie. And she was like, I don't know if you're in the marker

for a new podcast. And I'm like, I'm literally always in the market for a new podcast. Because you won't listen to this. I refuse to listen. I don't know how you people listen to this. Good God, it's loud. And the other thing that's going on with me is, as you know, there's a, sorry, Andrew, are you typing? Yes, sorry, yeah.

Are you, Andrew, I think you fucked up. Is the thing you're typing specifically loud or are you the loudest typeer in the world? I've had this criticism. I type back a cartoon secretary I've been told. Well, sure, except that those are cute to me. What's happening here? Why are you doing it while we're podcasting? Oh, my God.

It's podcast. I'll put the mic on my keyboard so you can hear. Is it not on your keyboard? Because I feel like I could hear it. Andrew. Sorry, I'm very sorry. It is pod work. Em can verify. Okay.

Catherine, I think just let Andrew be. Well, can the people at home hear it like I can hear it? I probably, only when I put my mic next to it. Em, so near to you. Em, are you like whincing from the sound? He's bash. Do you know what that was like, do you know in a horror film? Like, when you're like hiding from Michael Myers,

you can accidentally like drop a pen. Yeah. And then Michael Byron's like, that was like that for me. I felt that moment. She was just having a lovely conversation. They went, Andrew. And we all went silent. We were all nervous.

Except it's like if you were fucking flinging the pens at the ground. Like, I don't think you realize. Who would possibly hear this? How frightening it is to be told off by you. You have a very feminine strength to you that can set fucking your blood running cold. That's good though, isn't it? Talking of blood running cold, it's the spooky episode of Trustee Hodge. You said I could do it.

Fine. I was going to tell you one more story about me, but fine. I guess happy foodies. You've got five sentences, guys. Oh, go, Helen. Five sentences is fine. You want five sentences for me?

Five sentences, yeah. And don't be like a fucker with the commas and the semicolons and stuff. My landlord is putting up my rent so much I have to move out of my flat. Wait, are you serious? Yeah. Okay, no, keep going. It's fun for me. Oh, we're still only doing, wow, what empathy you possess.

You move next to Helen. That's a sentence. No, it's not. I'm not wasting it. I'm very sad about leaving my home. And also really genuinely resent landlords and the fact that they don't give a shit that you are a good tenant and pay rent

and take care of their flats. Correct. Trying to get excited about the possibility of change, but I do hate things out of my control. True that. And I was feeling really genuinely depressed about it. I feel really bad about this five thing now. But then a very nice friend said that they might also be looking at the same time

and I've allowed myself to get excited about change in a little bit of a way, but also I hate the financial crisis. and I hate the I hate landlords and also I hate the chancellor and also I hate the Tories and also

Oh dear And also Oh no Yeah But also I think that actually Maybe I would like to share A home with a friend I guess

I think This could be Right I'm so sorry I did not know that was happening When did this happen Last week Oh when I was on tour

No I did know when you were crying that day But I am You were crying so much I didn't really feel like I could say No I just told M afterwards. That's so bad.

I came in with so many tears in my eyes when I saw you that you were like, I won't tell her. You'd have a late night. Fuck you. Wait, obviously I have this in January. We got kicked out of our place. It's so stressful. Little bit.

How long do you have? Until I have like two months. Okay. Yeah, two months is late. It's just that everybody, usually I'd be fine because everybody's, like, I'm pretty good of finding properties and it's London, so I'll be fine.

But like this week I've said to people, but like, oh, I think I'm going to have to move. And everyone's looked at me like, like, the best have looked you in this hellscape. And you're like, oh, I thought I'd just find a plant. And they're like, you'll be lucky if you get like a tent. No, you'll find somewhere. But it's a stress.

Oh, God. Okay. It's a big stress looking for somewhere to live. But you, I think you're in a good place to look because you know who you want to live with and you know what you want it to be like. Like, you own a bit of furniture. you're not starting from scratch. Oh, it can be unfurnished.

I've got all my stuff. Hey, here's the thing, though, that I was going to say, which is, uh, I, here's the one good silver lining of all this. You're going to move down south to Helen.

No, I'm never coming south. Oh, why are you saying? I'm never coming south. I don't even know how you get to gigs in the north. It'd be so nice. It'd be so nice. It's, it's a great gang.

Me, the slime country boys, um, fucking Sean McLaughlin, uh, Harriet and Bobby. the crew, the what? The egg boy? The egg boy? Yeah, the egg slut. I don't think I'm going to ever go south, my sweet.

But just to circle back, what I want I thought you'd be proud of is I've been single lesbian for two months. Yes. And it didn't even, it wasn't even a conversation. Mama's just going to move in with a friend and she's not going to try to ruin her relationship. Because it doesn't need to be. It can just be a relationship without having to be on a dog pile.

And I'm proud of you. What's a dog? What do you mean a dog pile? A dog pile when people like lie straight on top of each other because they all live together. Oh, I thought it was a lesbian thing. Me too. I was like, what does she think she's saying? What phrase does she think she's taken from lesbian? Is that a lesbian thing? No, no, no, no. Stop calling us dogs. I'd say generally both of you.

No, no, dog piles. When people lie on top of each other, like in, like in Preyboy when they got all the young girls to lie on top of each other. It's spooky season. Oh, I was going to do a segue. I was going to do a segue. Do you think there's a chance that your new place will be haunted? No, I'm probably going to go for new bills. I don't know.

I have no idea. I just don't want mold. Ghosts and mold. You kind of love. Welcome to Halloween Hawks. Oh. Welcome to the death zone. Do you practice this in the mirror?

Yeah, at home. That was horrible. No, it felt really over-rehearsed, actually. I thought you should just throw it away. Do it again and just throw it away. No. Andrew, could you do like a reverberation on the mic for when that goes out?

No. Okay. No. Andrew's typing. Yell at him instead. That sounds like it has a fucking reverberation. That's a hard word to say. Reverberation.

I'd like to say that last year for Halloween, We spoke about costumes and costume parties with the amazing Joe Sutherland. This year, I feel like we need to get into ghosts, our experiences with them, and share a ghost story each. Okay, great. Are we going to do this like we think ghosts are real? Catherine, why are you like that? No, okay, sorry, yeah. You're Irish.

There's loads of ghosts in Ireland. Yeah, I'll tell you about one specific type if you like. Is it the banshee? It is the banshee. So you mentioned this to me, and I was like, I look them up. Oh, for fuck sake, Helen. Helen! Helen!

This is why I don't... This is why we can't have nice things. This is genuinely... How is that a nice thing saying Banshee to me? When somebody sends us a gift, right? We'll be like, oh, we'll open it on the main episode. And before we even get to, Helen has like, lick to the box, shaking the box.

Turn the box, so she knows what it is. She'll be like, it's a magnet! And you're like, okay, or we could have just had a nice thing for two seconds. So I was going to tell you about my culture. You've ruined it. Sidebar, Sarah Harcay Deacon sent us four bottles of wine from Fortinam Mason.

What? I got the basket. Kaching And it's unbelievably kind of her And thank you to What an incredible exec producer So kind Circling back to Halloween

Um Tell me about the bantries All I learned No what's the point? You've already written No All I get Look them up

No here's the thing I'm just gonna tell People at home about them And fuck you No because all I know Is that they're not in the water Because they sound very aquat to me Okay

That's because they sound like They feel like Sirens But they're actually just female That's what it feels like So I looked them up Because I was like Oh it's the mermaid thing

They're not remotely like sirens or mermaids. What I will say is, though, it's a hard categorization because are they ghosts or are they fairies? A long, like a long-held dispute. Ghost fairies. Kind of, actually. But ghost fairies of doom. Because banshees have, and are famous for, their scream. And I think it's called a queener.

So it's like a lamenting scream. And they are essentially the ghosts of death in Ireland. So it's supposedly that each family has a banshee themselves and that there's a specific queen, a specific scream for each of those banshees. And so what will happen is that when somebody is about to die in that family, the scream will be released or the banshee will wail. And then you're supposed to just like know that the death is coming. So you would hear it over here or do you need to be on the emerald dial?

No, I think it's also, like it's important to say that these aren't real. No, for the sake of today though. I believe it. I think Em and Andrew believe it. No, I don't, I don't think it's real. I don't believe in ghosts. Just because you've not heard it doesn't mean that it's not real. Well, also, I don't know that you would hear a banshee screaming in Ireland.

What does it sound like? Like, honestly, no. No, I just, I just mean like, there's always women screaming in Ireland. We're always, we're always, we're always dead. Death is coming. Yeah, so there you go, the death fairies. and that's a banshee but she already knew that

because you fucking looked it up I did it I just checked they weren't mermaids like Google image search is such a different thing also there's a film coming out about banshees did you winked a banshee

did you see this wait who there's a movie I don't know an Irish film about banshees coming out with like the banshees of Ines Sharon

yeah that's it with like Colin Farrell or something Colin Farrell Brendan Gleaston and then some people I don't know that I didn't know that amazing

weird that those are just two male names when it's about women female ghosts genuinely I can only see one two female cast members Kerry Condon and Sheila Flitton lovely stuff

well listen tell me about your ghost if you must okay so I've got a lot of ghost stuff to discuss number one can we just frame this sorry today's Thursday Halloween's Sunday Monday Monday okay

sorry I'm just trying to figure out what people are listening to and if their vibe is I guess they're still heading to work. They're not quite at the spook peak. But go ahead. You are being such a nasty cunt today. Sorry. And I do not mind saying that.

And if I hear the Bo-heart banshee scream, I wouldn't even fucking tell you. There you go. I'll hear it and I'll be like, I'll fucking leave it. Let I fucking go. Fine. Because I've actually got some very real experiences with ghosts. Put that fucking down.

Can I drink my... And I want to... I can't believe that you fucking doing that is worse than Andrew typing. Sorry for taking my coffee. I'm listening. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Because I've got, I'm trying to open up to you about my ghost experience. Tell me about your ghost experience. Okay. The first house I lived in when I was little had two ghosts in it and we had to meet. My mom believes in ghosts like really strongly to the point when I was like, you know, when you're going to go through. Hi, Anne. You know, when you go through that phase when you're scared that someone's in your room when you're

younger or like you're scared of ghosts, I would like run crying to my parents' room instead of being told like, no, no, no, there's nothing there. My mum would be like, oh, say hello, well, they could turn nasty. Whoa. So I was, like, on a fucking mental level of it where I was like, be nice to me, be nice. I was also very arrogant. I thought Queen Victoria was the ghost I had in my room, which is like a level up that was unnecessary, because why would she visit me?

And why would she have lived in that house? Like, what has gone? Queen Victoria definitely didn't live in our house. Okay. For sure not, but she would sit in my room and just like, look at me and I'd be like, your highness I hope you're with your husband now because I knew they loved each of the very much but we had two ghosts in the house growing up

but my mum would like I'd always ask her about it because she's like hinted it and then she would never tell me like what it was and she's like I can't tell you to your older I can't tell you to your older and you're like oh my god and she was like when I brought you and your brother home as babies like I introduced you to the ghosts to let them know that like this is Helen

she'll be living here now she's my baby Andrew, please The hell are you talking about? So my mum would like When my brother was born She introduced him to the lady upstairs And the man downstairs

Now she liked the man downstairs She's not like the woman upstairs She's not a fan Feels slightly anti-feminist She was a bitch And then she introduced me Is your mom okay? No, my mum also thinks

She's got ghosts in her current new build Mix the fleet service But Trish, her clairvoyant, has verified it's true so there's a professional She has a clairvoyant Yeah Trish How often does she go to Clairevoyne?

How often does she go to Clairevoyne? They're friends now They hang out Yeah but my question was How often does she give this woman money? I don't know weekly What? I don't know

I don't know how do I To say what? You are right You do have ghosts Every week? Mm-hmm So the mum's not scared of the ghost She just wants to know

What they have to say Because these ones she doesn't recognise Oh my God They're new so my mum said that she never told any of her friends about the ghost in this house because she was really embarrassed being like oh I feel like a bad mum having like two babies and a ghost house

which is fair I'm glad she didn't tell her friends because they would have had her section yeah good times eh and then basically my mum loved the old man downstairs and that he would watch us when she'd had to do something I'm sorry she used the ghost as babysitter not like to leave the house but you're going to the toilet

can you keep an eye on Helen and Ted and we'd be like oh sorry Your nanny was a ghost That your mom made up I guess, yeah No no, no Lovely man ghost Your manny was a ghost

Yeah lovely old man Your manny was a ghost That your mom made up I was very little I don't remember I'm sure he was nice Your mom didn't think she was neglecting you Because she left you with the man

She could go out to Lou with a ghost I think she'd rather him be there Than go and watch her You know Yeah were those the choices Is that what she'd been doing pre-baby Anyway Then this is what she couldn't tell me

Until I was older And I'm glad she did work Because I'd have fucking freaked out I'm sorry, she told you this part when you were younger? Yes. Okay. I was a very scared child. And I don't think it was like stopped.

It was encouraged. So then one day, Catherine, her friends came over. And the husband went upstairs to go to the toilet. And then her friend was standing at the bottom of stairs and she went, oh my God, move, move, move, move, move. This woman behind you trying to push you. And my mom was like, I fucking knew it. I knew there was someone bad up there.

I knew she was a bitch. And then we moved to flee. Sorry. Hello. Who was behind him? The woman, the bad ghost upstairs. But who was actually behind him? No one.

My mum said that she'd never even said it to her friend or mentioned anything about this female ghost upstairs and she was like, that proves it, we're leaving. But it was probably like just one of the members of the party, right? No, there was no party. It was just that couple and my mom and dad. So are your friend, your mom's friends kind of like your mom? One second.

There's no way. two people are seeing the same ghost. Helen, we both think this is a good podcast. Yeah, this is a good, I don't understand. I'm just saying collective delusion it can occur. How very dare you? How dare you? There's ghosts everywhere.

My mum has like, she sees ghosts. But then I get worried that I can see ghosts. My mum says that I were in a lineage of women with powers because my grandma had it because she was really lucky. Did she say this on the day you didn't get GCSEs by any chance? No, we're very...

You have to tell you kids' tales of their value, don't you? No, because my grandma had powers and then my mum got those powers too and then I got the powers, my mum thinks. Because my granny was very lucky she won the lottery three times and she...

You ever won the lottery? Never, never, never. Do you only say she had powers? Do you mean money? And the moment I was born, my grandma sat bolt up in bed and went and just had a baby girl and then we went back to sleep and then my mum

and then my mum said that 20 minutes later my dad called her parents and went oh and just had a baby girl and they went we know we know and that was me that was my birth and honestly it's like big

it's in our family we're all like that's cool I don't know what the fuck is happening in this room is like am I being prank did you all decide to like not be impressed? I mean if you're being prank it's by your mother, I would say. I worry for her. I think we are concerned about how things are at home.

No, because then I... What's going on in fleet? My mum was like... And if you're okay. Because I would always see ghosts and I was very frightened by... I can't... But not as an adult. So I worry that it was like a child thing where I was just like being told. Like childish. So I got frightened.

Yeah, you were being terrorised. I don't think I have the powers to see the ghost now as an adult. No, I think you're being terrorised by your mother. But I still have it in my head because I was at my mum's house for... Not on night by myself, but for like a late evening by myself. The new build? And I was like, she came home and I was like, yeah, you're right. It's haunted.

Like, I could just feel it. There were noises happening. It was, I was really uncomfortable. Neighbors. She has neighbours. No, no, no. Yeah, it's attached on both sides. Yeah, so she has neighbors.

And a motorway? No, there was, and a motorway, yeah. But there was. Was the TV on? No. Well, yeah. But like, I'm telling you now, like, I felt it. And also, when we told ghost stories when we younger, I'd be very frightened.

You've been primed. primed to be terrified. But I can feel it. I can feel it in my body. You can Arthur Niel Patel, I get so jumpy at home. Yeah, sure, but I can walk along a dark street as a woman and I will always be terrified even if nothing happens because I know

that I've been told about so many things I need to be afraid of except those things are more plausible and real. But you must know people who've seen ghosts. I've seen a ghost Helen. Fuck off Andrew. Fuck off. Tell me everything. Tell me everything. It was just an old gay they're allowed in the bars too

you absolute dweeb Andrew tell me tell me tell me you haven't seen a ghost shut up! You are being such a cunt shut up sorry Andrew that's okay I wasn't that offended by it

it was when I was younger we lived in Surrey Hampshire very close and my grandma wasn't sorry maybe Hampshire's haunted thank you I used to sit in the corner maybe there's nothing going on

Hampshire, so people have to make up stories about... Touch your whore mouth. Wait, sorry, yeah. So it was, I was sitting in the corner and talk to the corner, and my mum would be like, who are you talking to? I'm talking to the old man. And she's like, oh, that's freaky. I'll like two, two, three.

And there's only... If children have imaginations. Well, no, but here's the... Especially, dare I say it, lonely children with no friends. Right, outside. Out, I'm sorry. No, I'm not leaving. Go stand there with them.

Honestly, you can go stand there with him. How are you doing such a brat? Have I actually been to do? I think you have. Fucking five minutes silence. Andrew continued. Do you wait to move there? Yeah.

What is that going to swap in? Unfucking believable. I'm sorry, Andrew, because that was like you were actually opening up and being quite vulnerable with us. Yeah, I would be. Hi, darling. Hi. Okay, so you were talking to this old man. Yeah, so I was talking to this old man in the corner.

It's only happened after we dug up the garden. And the man I was talking to was a military. figure, I called him the major, that two, three years old. Why is that my vocabulary when I'm two three years old? Also, it makes sense because Surrey, Oldershot, Hampshire, it's not in the same area. Thank you. So there's only happened after we dug up the garden. I wasn't going around two, three year old. Okay, thank you. Thank you. And what happened was we dug up the garden and the previous owner's ashes was scattered in the garden. He was a major. You're right, yeah?

Yeah. Thank you for sharing that with me. You're welcome. I've got my friend Gwyneth, you know, the one who's in To Kill a Mockingbird. Yeah. She once saw a Victorian ghost. She was jogging in the woods near Aberystwyth. Yeah.

And then she was like, in her brain going on like, oh, that's so weird that man was on a penny farthing in Victorian garb. And then she went, my God, why was a man on a penny farthing in Victorian garb? And she was a hipster. Shut up. And then she turned. Are you serious? And then she turned around and she went, wait a second, there's no one there. We were freaked out.

That was a hipster, and Penny Farthings clearly move at pace. Another friend of a friend. Oh, we've got the green screen out now as well. No, I loved it. Okay, another friend of a friend, Andrew. You're going to lose your mind with this. So they got really, really drunk on a night out, and they're at a party, and they're all, like, losing their minds at this club or whatever.

And then, like, the club closed, and they were like, oh, we're not done yet, so we'll go back to ours for a party. So they went all back to this, like, big student house, and they were having fun. And then, like, one of the girls felt really, really, six, so she went to the bathroom and she was like throwing up and then she came out of the bathroom. Shut it! And she came out

the bathroom. She came out of the bathroom and then one of the guys like, you're okay? And she went, oh yeah, no, I'm fine. That nice woman got me a glass of water and held my hair back and they went, what woman, you're the only girl here? And she went, the one in the bonnet. No joke. A drunk woman? Thought she saw another woman? She was throwing up. She wasn't drunken anymore because the alcohol was coming out of his sister. That's not how it works immediately, but okay.

Andrew and M, you're English. Did you ever hear click, click slide growing up? No. That ghost story. It was like massive in our town. That one and the handprint. And do you remember drip drip? That's what I'm saying.

Nothing happened in your town so you had to make up the sound. Drip's good. Is it the one where the hands over the side of the bed? Yes. That made me so upset at the child. I'm going to tell you what. No. Here's the thing.

Okay. No, no. Can I please tell drip drip. It's just a story about bad plumbing and I don't want to hear it again. I used to hear it when I was a kid too. Helen, here's my thing. Not a story about bad plumbing. Have you ever?

I'll do it in the extras. I'll do it in the extras. Write that down. Have you ever consider that the most logical explanation is the most likely explanation. No, my mom has a mental health problem. Yes, yeah, no, yeah. But you can have a mental health problem and also see ghosts.

They're not like, you don't have to have both together. No, sure. Because I've got depression and anxiety but I also can feel the other world around me. I remember once I like walking past graveyard at night and I'd feel something different in my body

I'd feel it like weighing me down like people clawing at my legs I'd feel it do you have that thing when you go past the graveyard that you feel like you need to hold your breath Is this a cum thing with you because I'm not doing that today No it's not a cum thing Obviously it's not a cum thing

It usually is holding your breath There was one line in the TV show recess Where it was just like really Do you remember recess? It's so good And it's one of those lines that like no one else remembers But it really stuck with me And I think I watched it when I was 10 And it's like, that kid's such a weirdo.

You know, he doesn't even hold his breath when he goes past a graveyard. Like, my entire life, I've been like, oh, God, I want to be afraid. And no one else does it. Here, look, there's somebody coming in here to... I know, but can you just say sorry? For what? Alan, you yelled at Catherine so much. You've called me a con twice.

I have a headache. And before this, you made her tell her a very sad story in only five sentences. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, Andrew. God, I'm so used to, this is what I'm saying about Stockholm Syndrome. Like, I'm so used to this podcast. I don't remember a time where I expected more for myself or from my friendships. Wow.

Hey, we have a guest coming in so you can tell your spooky little stories to her. Are you ready to introduce her? She's an incredible comedian. Her name is Bronwyn Swinney. Hello, I'm doing my show. This isn't for you in a huge room in London. Chester Square Theatre. And I'd absolutely love if you came, please tell your friends and enemies because I'm desperate to fill it. It's December 2nd, 9.30. A Friday night, we're going to have

such a good fun party vibe. Helen Bauer is going to open for me. And I think it'll be one of the last times, like maybe last time I ever do it. So I'd absolutely love to see you there. Oh, please come. It's Bronwynne-Swainee. Oh, thank you. Hi. Hi. How much. Hi, welcome. Hi. Happy Halloween. Yes, it's officially spooky season. Oh God, not another one of you.

No, I just call it practical magic season. I can't wait. That's how I kick it off. Practical magic, Casper. I've never seen it, and it's flawless. I got to watch it. That's my promise to my Halloween. I did say this last year and one blue.

His favorite shapes a star. My favorite line is, you know, I wish for you too. That's like the love. Aiden Quinn is, uh, anyway. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. So good. Were you about to say that's the love you're looking for because that's hideous? What are you talking about? I want a man like Aidan Quinn to like look me in the eye and say that like he also wished for me. I want that feeling of super specific. Spooky season got sad real fast. But then you hear the sound. That's what I'm here for like. Bum everyone out.

Then you hear the sound of the locust and you know it's coming for him. You have to watch it. Okay, I'll watch it. I don't really understand what's happening. And I did say last year I'd watch it and I didn't. But this year I promise I will. once I've watched Hocus Pocus too. I'm so good. Don't. I'm not having this. I haven't seen it. Don't even try.

I won't say anything. Please don't. Please don't. I'm not ready to shit on it when I haven't even watched it yet. I'm sure I will be when I'm done. One way or another. I'm going to find you. I'm going to get you, get you, get you, get you.

What's your experience of Halloween? How did you celebrate as a youth? As a youth. So, great question. Thank you. For people of the podcast, may not know I have a bit of an international. background so I grew up in England, Greece, America and Italy. I've had like an international version of Halloween. But I remember the shock I felt when I got to the US and realized like

Halloween's a big deal. Oh, those boogers love it. They live for Halloween. I wish people love it too. I think we've been informed by Americanism in that regard on that holiday. So yeah, it's quite like trick-or-treating. Tumpkins outside your house. Yes. Yeah, we love decorations. Yeah. It was fun. Like I moved to Florida and I remember just like telling my mom, like I wanted to be like all the American kids on the block and go get like stuff. But my mom was like, this is such a waste of money. So we got like a sad little jackal lantern light that sat outside. But yeah, it was good.

How are you freaking out? Florida. Were you in Celebration Village? No, I wasn't, but I do know all about celebration. No, I was in Orlando. You know, my Bronwyn lives in Orlando. Really? Yeah, Bronwyn Vice Miller.

She's from Louisiana. She's one of my favorite YouTubers. Her channel is called Once Upon a Bronn. And it's just her and her girlfriend going to Disney World. Sorry, did you just describe a YouTuber you've never met as your Bronwyn? yeah okay um shout out to once upon a bron i love you no cross i'm brawn calm so i mean once the brawn a time we should do that would have been fine

that's good she actually worked once a bron a time works better right that's a lot better no my bronwin actually used to work in the bibbibbobbidi boutique so are you a a disney fan i'm an adult disney fan who's never been to disney world but i could go around it because i watch all the vlogs every day on the way here i was like i need to pump myself up so i listened to into the unknown from the Frozen 2 soundtrack. What's happening?

Into the year? No! No, no, no. Stop, ow, ow, ow, ow. But that's more Christmas song, I know. I know, but I totally got it. Why do you tell me yourself up for this? I think because I was like, I was like, in work.

And then it was like meetings, meetings, meeting. And I wanted to get in the zone to like be chatty. And so you listen to a song from Disney. Okay, listen, there's two of you. There's two of you. All right. That's fine. Okay, you lived in Orlando.

So you had an international. So they loved Halloween. Halloween was a big deal in Florida. It was really fun. Like, you know, you dressed up. It was like, because I'd grow not watching American films, you know what I mean? So it was like, I got there and I wanted the full experience. What do the Italians do for Halloween?

Not a whole lot. Yeah, those are some Catholic people. I think it's probably become something now, but I just remember being really embarrassed, like not knowing it wasn't a big deal. Like, I dressed up as a mobster for Halloween. Like, full on bearded my face and got on public transport. And it was just like-bearded your face, explain? With eyeliner, you know, like just to look like a mobster.

And no one else was dressed up on the tube that day. But were there no Italians who just sort of looked mobby? Oh yeah, yeah. I probably just like blended in with a bunch of it. I just blended in with the Italians. That kid really wants to be in the mob. I get it. I was in a play about Al Capone once.

I totally got what be itting that means. Yeah, you know, just were you Al Capone? I was his accountant. Yeah. Age 12. The school play. You remember his accountant? Of course.

Big Alam musical. Ring any bells. Sorry, so you drag king to your way into the mob on Italian transport on your way to And when you got to school, no one said any of these? I was going out to a party, but I assumed everyone else would kind of be dressed up. There'd be other kind of Halloween. No.

No one. Wow. That's amazing. Okay. So what about, so that's, what about Greece? Greece, I think I went to an international school. So we, you know, it was like, you Halloween. You made like spooky little cards for people.

Spooky cards. You know, like Halloween cards. Why are you saying that to me like that's a normal sentence? You know, like, at school you'd make. I'm fully on board with us. Yeah. You'd make like Valentine's Day cards for people. for like your class, but you'd also make, like, little spooky...

Sorry, we didn't do that, but I totally know what you meet you. Sorry. Did anyone know? Eminandu, have you ever sent a spooky Halloween card? Absolutely not, no. No? No. But, like, I can understand the concept.

Can you? What does the card say, boo? Like, it was the beginning of my copywriting career, so I think, yeah, like, I don't know. I still feel like... In The Simpsons and, like, recess and all of that. I think American schools, it's just, like, every holiday is an opportunity to, like, craft and, like, you know, do... Not learn about your history.

Exactly. Anything to distract. Okay, fair enough. I do get that. But Bronwyn, just to recap, you would put beards on yourself and send people in school cards when there was no need.

And you're not a lesbian? Not a lesbian. Fascinating. No, I know. Me neither. Fascinating. Don't shake hands on being heterosexual. Don't celebrate your heterosexuality here.

Very many heterosexual guests. This is exciting for me. Halloween is not a heterosexual. holiday. You're not having that. Well, I actually, I think we could. Oh, M thinks it might be quite straight. I think it's a, I think it's, I read it. Do you think it's really straight?

Why? Because of all the like expecting. It's like dressing up sexy for some like jock boy, right? Yeah. Whoa. But don't the less, oh, oh, interesting. I've never I've always thought of it as quite a queer vibe, but that is an interesting take. I think it's heteropride. Like, right? That's what I've heard. It's a chance for

straight people to finally just like be openly. Is she a bunny? Is she a mouse? Either way, she's a slut. Oh, that makes me feel sad for you guys. You know what? You can have it. It is. Thank you. I relinquish Halloween to you people. Okay, good. So now can we talk about ghosts? If you must.

So you tell me about your experience with your ghosts that you currently live with. Sorry, what? Okay, I have a ghost. No, you don't. I definitely do. No, you don't. It's her truth and it's our holiday. So, I was saying to Helen earlier, I, I moved into my own place last year, which was a big deal for me. Congratulations.

It's a creaky little one-bed flat. It's very kind of spooky as it is. And I call it Bronwyn's Creek after Dawson's Creek. So good. Very nice. Very nice. So there was a few times I came home where I could sense a presence. And I think you need to name the presence to not be scared of it.

So I called my ghost, Pacey. Pacey? The worst character? You weren't Team Pacey on Dawson's Creek? No, I obviously was. All right. I didn't watch it. I'm younger. What? I'm younger. I'm younger. I didn't watch it.

Pacey was the much hotter of the two. It had a much darker vibe. My generation's like euphoria. I actually thought first, you know what I did? I just confused Pacey for a second with the person played by, what's her name, who was married to Tom Cruise. Oh, Joey. Joey. Is that her character? Yeah, okay.

Joey was the worst. Joey was the worst. Then. No, Dawson was the worst. Joey was the second worst. And then Pacey was the best. and then Michelle's character She was pretty bad too

She died in the show She was great No worse was her friend The rebel friend That also died of an overdose in the show Oh my god That's why I was so scared of Of doing drugs

So she did a pill Dight of like drowning Because she was so thirsty And we were all like Never do anything good Never have any fun That's why I didn't do drugs We had that one episode

of Dawson's Creek Where everybody who did drugs died In euphoria we just did drugs and we just like, hang out. But it's my Jan, it's my Jan. She did one ecstasy pill and died. That was it, ecstasy.

And then I was like, I can never do drugs. Wait, did she drink herself to death then with water? Yeah, I think that's, was that the storyline. Did I imagine that? Either way, she died from ecstasy in a night out. And then became a ghost. Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, I mean, I do believe in ghosts though.

Like, surely, there are. You just said surely, but I want you to be clear. That was very confident. Let's be clear earlier that you were like, obviously, Halloween cards. So surely doesn't feel like it has the same weight with you. It's a word I throw around, maybe too confident. Yeah. So surely, they're... Right, you're

going on a verbal lockdown again so that Bronwyn can speak her truth. Why do you have a ghost, Bronwyn? I just feel like there's things that we can't explain and where does energy go when people die. What do you mean energy? Comes back as a ghost.

What do you mean energy? Like, a life, a life force. Yeah. A life force, where does it disappear to? Sorry, do you, when you extinguish a candle, are you like, where is the light gone? No, because the smoke goes. Yeah. And that goes on to live on and makes a stain somewhere.

Yeah, people shit themselves as they die, the end. What is wrong with you? I'm just saying there's an equivalent, if you're looking for it. Tell us about Pacey. He just kind of like chills in the flat and like, you know, I'll come home and like certain doors are open that were closed. It could also be a draft. In your creaky flat? In my creaky flat.

But also it could be Pacey. also could be forgetting which doors he left open True, I am losing my mind a little bit living alone I did go see, I don't know if I should admit this out loud, I did go see a psychic Oh my god My mom sees one called Trish, yeah

What's your one called? Jane with a Y Love that for Jane Also a psychic to the Kardashians May I add So I would say a very good use of my money So good So good

Yeah I've been told not to talk So I'm trying to not talk Tell me what Jane said Well, Jane told me that... It's surprising she's not Jane with a K. Okay. That's some good stuff!

I don't get it. For the Kardashians. Oh, huh? Wow. I'm wasted here. Go on. Jane told me that there is a spirit who is present with me always, and that is my grandmother. Lush.

Do you like that, though? I do. That one, crazy. How did she know that you've had a grandmother? It's so... How would she know, right? How would she know that? How would she know?

And, like, what are the odds of a woman in... in your 30s, having a dead grandmother? Middle late is the... What are the odds of that? Well, I think it's interesting... What are the odds of that, guys? I know, a lot of people think I sound crazy, but I think it's interesting that she knew,

out of my, you know, two grandmothers, she was like, the spirit that is with you is the grandmother on your father's side, who's the one who's passed away. How would she know that? Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. And then it's so...

Because your granny's with you. Yeah. Amazing. And if you'd said, oh, no, only my mom's mom. Oh, you that's who I mean. And then you'd have been in. And like, wow. But she also said that my grandmother was in the room and making a symbol of the letter

M and my grandmother's name was Mary. Oh, Mary. Not McDonald's. Oh, I'm jealous. I don't have a spirit with me. You might. Like a spirit. No, I don't think I do.

No? No. But I've definitely been spaces where I felt something and felt uncomfortable. But like, I have, I don't think I've got a spirit that travels with me. It's not anxiety. It's a bad chair. No. It's not.

It's a vibe. It's a, you can feel it. Yeah. Do you know the story of drip drip Which is like a ghost story They went around England No, I love to hear it Okay, thank you

So this is one that like We told at school so much And then like we got all They fucking terrified by it But it's like a massive one I think it's like That and click click slide Are like the two biggest ones in the UK

So basically the story is This woman's going to bed at night Yeah And she's like having a shower She turns it off Like goes and gets herself a glass of water Goes to her room Lies in bed, falls asleep

And then she starts hearing this like drip drip dripping and she's like oh my god like where the fucks it coming from she goes to the tap turns it off again she's like okay maybe it's just that like a loose faucet then she can't sleep she's like fucking flicking through stuff and then she like reads this article on like a magazine about this killer who's on the loose in her area and she's like oh my god I'm never gonna be able to sleep now since she just like decides okay right I'll leave a light on but I'm gonna like go to sleep she like has a dog that lives with her and the dog's running around and then she goes to bed she puts her hand down by the side of the bed and the dog starts licking her hand She's like, it's all fine, it's all fine, like my dog's here. And then she hears this dripping again. She's like, what the fuck is this?

She goes like back to the kitchen sink, like nothing happening. And she's like freaking out, goes back to bed. Dogs look in her hand. It's raining. It's not raining. And then she hears it again. She's like, no, wait, maybe that's coming from the bathroom. She goes into the bathroom.

She pulls the curtain away and it's a dog. Her dog is hanging there and it's blood dripping off. It's been killed. She goes back to her room, freaking out. Like, what the fuck's happening? and then she sees that this guy has messaged in the articles like he's also written like

people can lick too that's one of the past people The drip was her cunt The drip, no no no The drip was a dead dog And the man was under the bed People can lick too The drip was her cunt

This is another riddle Do you not love it? Is that how you all Is that sex ed? Do you heard it in? Yeah for me it was Am was that not right? Yeah, it was about right

They're about right. It was a really good retelling of it, I believe. Surely the ending punchline wasn't people can lick to. I maybe got a bit lost in the telling of it. But it's around that. Oh my God, I have to, wait. So what's it called? I'll look it up.

Drip, drip. It's about the first man who ever gave head. Just the hand leg. But you're supposed to think it's a dog, but it's not. It's a killer. No, it's just a British man who likes eating women out. They're just lying under the bed and licking hands. Yeah.

That's what I want to think about tonight. What about Pacey? You'll have him. He will protect me. Helen is right. The ending of this story is humans can lick to. I fucking knew it.

I'm sorry. You're telling me Halloween isn't a lesbian holiday. The punchline of your big, spooky story is humans can lick too. This is... Okay.

Okay. But did you have a ghost story that you picked up along the way when you were younger? So my mom, like my parents, when they moved back to England, in York, which is apparently the spooky

Yeah, I've been on a ghost tour, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember with Sineal Patel and Nick Ellery a couple of summers ago. It was amazing. Sorry, you went on a ghost tour in the summer? A ghost walking tour, yeah. In the summer? Yeah, like, we met at 9pm on the pub by the water.

You know the one with all the chairs. Yeah, that's where I went, yeah. And the man meets you and goes, welcome to York. And it was us and loads of like international couples. And I was like, ah! I'd be like, let's stay here and have an apparel sprit. No, it's so good. and bright and though it was so wonderful

I did go to ghost her also in New Orleans and that was fun because it was a lot of like a lot of like spirit like ghosts of like yeah of course I don't know because like Louis New Orleans has also got like a dark history too and it's quite spooky like the magic dark magic sort of the thing yeah we've seen Princess and the Frog

yeah yeah it's like the what is it the the Shadow Man yeah yeah it's very good have you guys met before in another life oh fuck off no I'm kidding that's too we are not we are not I don't live in past life regressions also.

My mom thinks I was in the trenches in World War I, but she doesn't know for which side. No joke. She is so convinced of it. It happened. She told me when I was six years old. I cried and had a panic attack at the Imperial War Museum. Really? French experience.

I refused to go in. I was screaming crying and she went, you have a flashback. But I've heard stories of that. Like my friend did a past lives regression thing. And then she said she saw me in ancient Greece. Sorry, I need to explain all the words in that order. Shut up. Because have you ever met someone and you're like,

we've met before yeah it just i just i feel it you mean had things in common katherine might be new yeah we don't know this yeah there's a good chance katherine is new because with your germophobia and stuff like that there's a chance you might not have lived through the plague whereas i'm more comfortable with it so like i'm like i'm terrified of heights so i feel like in a past life i probably died it's rational to be scared of bowling to your death no it's not my mom is scared of height but she was also on the titanic my mom was on the titanic Was she? No, she wasn't.

No, she wasn't. She can't even hear Celine Dion. She's flashbacks. No joke. No. This is why she's never seen the film. Actually, I've got a bit of material about this, but like she really, she can't. Wait, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my first stand-up show, which I've now recorded as a special. But I'm, um, can't watch Titanic because it brings, it's like flashback central for her. She was on it. Yeah, she thinks so. I wonder if it was like, did she drown, like, on the boat? I think she fell off and hit the propeller. Oh, okay.

she was alive so I don't think she did she's alive now but not in not in that past life incarnation no yeah no so what was your past life babe so I don't know I haven't done the regression but a friend of mine sorry what do you mean done the regression so you can do a stuff like you can do past life regressions where you get into this meditative state and then you can kind of see like your your past lives so a friend of mine I presume we have to pay somebody to guide it's a lot it's a lot of money she can't put a price on yeah knowing you know, knowing, like, who you were. Yes, and you can't put a price on somebody else telling you who you were while you close your eyes to music.

My mom can instinctively tell you. I'll bet you they do put a price on it, Brunwin. I'll bet you they have plus a price on it, have they? It is, it's a lot. There's a set price. There's a set price. But it depends how many regressions you want, right? You got to, yeah.

Oh, it's per regression. But do you, I get this. But, like, you know, this friend of mine that I met. her in like my office kitchen at my first job in London and immediately was just like I like you we click and we didn't even know each other yet it was just literally like can I have that I don't know and then she did this regression and she said that we knew each other but we were living in ancient Greece and we were both like maidens in ancient Greece no I believe it yeah no I'm ancient Greece and incredibly diverse and yeah yeah and pro women space

No doubt. You don't stay in your body. Like, it's a soul thing. Yeah, it's like I was in the trenches. I was a, I was being a man. Like, I could have been a war horse for all I know. My apologies, I'm wrong. And I, I can only apologise. How the fuck is the Catholic thinking we're ridiculous? I'm not a Catholic though. That's the thing.

I was also fed narratives by people in positions of power and adults in my life. And then I grew up and thought, huh, I have a critical thinking faculty. and then I assessed their words and thought I don't know that a man in this guy should be the best metric of my sexuality or morality and then I went ahead and just sort of didn't believe in it anymore I think I was in India

to you yeah yeah because I went there when I was like 19 I think it was and I just felt immediately like yeah this is very relaxed The white woman failed a real relaxed vibe in India but I think you can connect to cities right You've ever been to a city and been like, I just know I belong here. Yeah. Yeah, you can like a vibe.

But like you feel like I know where I'm going. Like that weird thing of like when you just sort of like get. That's because Google Maps exist. No, no, no, but without Google Maps. Like have you ever like gone somewhere and you just sort of been like, oh, like you walk to the place because you saw like look it up and you're like, oh, you're an overly confident woman. Yes. But you can like, you can like, you can feel it. You're like, I was meant to be here.

This makes sense right now. Like this is all meant to happen. Yeah, we all watched too many movies in the 90s. Yeah. Yes. We, I mean, we did, we did, but like, I remember when I went to Rome, I got there and I was like, I know the city, like I belong here. Yeah, it's in every film and television show we've ever seen. And every, it has that effect on people.

The Brina, the Teenage, which went there. Letters to the Olson's sisters went there. The Olson sisters movie is great, though. And listen, I'm not arguing with you on that, which is why I also feel like I know Rome, but like. Yeah, I think my logic is a little flawed. The best one, though, is when you meet someone and you're like, weird a fight in a previous life. Do you ever get, like, the opposite when you're just sort of like, you mean. meet someone and you're like we don't like you don't like me we don't like each other and instead of

being like oh it's because they don't like me I'm always just sort of like oh I bet if that's how I'm going to explain it that's how I killed your mom in 18 oh six there was a really beautiful moment there where Bronman was on on the precipice of sanity and was like oh yeah maybe and then you said that and the mom was like no yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that explains maybe my logic is a little flaw I hate women when I meet them what is going on I think okay look I'm so I'm with you I'm not religious at all I don't but like me neither I'm not mental I'm not like that crazy aren't you just trying to despise religiosity with another narrative that makes you set I feel like it has more purpose because otherwise you'd just be here and this would be your lot could be but I also just think right like every

group of humans thinks that they're at like the height of like intelligence and humanity I don't think that I think we are actively we're trash we are trash but you know what I mean it's like I I feel like there's some things that cannot be explained yet. Yeah, but why are you, why can't we just be like, we don't know rather than to be like, well, they think it's God and I know it's ghosts? I guess I have to think that like my ghost is a friendly guy called Casper or Pacey. Because like if, if not, like I would be terrified to come home. What if he's just a draft?

What if he's not a ghost at all? A draft is also frightening. Just like wind. Yeah, wind is scary. Wind is a scary element. Yeah. least scary element Sunshine

scariest element Wind and Frost Can we please And I can't believe I'm saying this Can we please have a listener problem Just so that I could fall into Somebody else's life

Of course Thank you so much Do you imagine if it's about that Usually I would say to the guest Are you up for helping us solve a problem But maybe I feel like I haven't represented myself

Very well here I'm so sorry I didn't mean to come in And talk about like the ghost Of my grandmother No I loved it But could we also come back on So we can talk about

Living in Florida in that close to Disney World. Absolutely. I've, yeah, I've well-out to say. You don't need to apologise for what you've spoken about. I think, unfortunately, considerable numbers of the podcast listeners relate to Helen. And so they will relate to you. It's been really nice being on tour and meeting the Helens.

The Catherine's don't come soon. Terrify. But they show up very early to my shows. God bless them. Let's go. Yeah, we've started most shows late. This is from H. Hi, H.

Oh, my God, like Helen. Like Helen. Like Helen. Or haunted. Or hell, we're in hell. Well, this is a haunting of a kind. Here's my question. Last week, I met a guy at a bar and went home with him that night.

Yes, get it. But then get it. Yesterday, we went on a second date. And as we were walking back... Are we counting meeting in a bar and going home as a date? Yes. Okay, good for you. I love how all of the things that people send us are problems,

but you always celebrate the first line without any other context. Sorry, yes. We're like, these guys are getting married. And then it's going to be like, turns out he was Ted Bundy. Oh, no, not Ted. But at least he was hard. Page for hot.

Okay, sorry. So they met in a bar, went home with him that night. They went on the second day or first date, how would you like to view it. And as they were walking back to his apartment, he told me he had recently acquired an anal-specific STD, which he did not disclose to me the last time we hooked up because we were both very drunk and nothing would be done together.

physically that carried the risk of transmitting the SDD. Okay. Okay, amazing. He was very apologetic and answered all of my questions directly and honesty, told me the SDD was very new to him and offered to pay for a cabback to my place if I decided I didn't want to spend the night with him again. I decided to spend the night with him anyway. Yeah.

As he once again reassured me there was no risk of transmission as long as we stuck to the same physical acts we'd done before. Okay. I have a lot of casual sex, so I'm very used to and comfortable with conversations regarding STDs and safety. Awesome. I feel like he handed the conversation in a respectful way. Yeah.

Being only two dates in, I'm not terribly invested in this person, but we do get along and have similar values, and I'd be interested in seeing him again. However, I would like some outside perspective. Should it be an absolute deal breaker that he didn't disclose his SDD status when we first hooked up? At the moment, I feel comfortable with the conversation that we had and understand why he didn't tell me at first. But I'd like to know what you think. I think the fact that he didn't put you at risk of it during that first date and it was just like one casual hookup is fine. Like he wasn't trying to push you into doing something that would mean that the anal Worms could transmit.

I'm going to say worms. Let's not guess worms. Let's not guess. Let's not guess. Let's not guess. Anal specific. STDs. No. I did not know you get anal specific STDs.

That's exciting tonight. I kind of want to know now what it is. Me too. But could we focus on the problem? Yeah, I think. But it would be nice to know like what, like is it is it hemorrhoes? an STD? Chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis

all come up. Okay. Of the anus? I guess, yeah. Can we focus on... Yes. So, Helen, what's your thought on the problem? I think if you didn't put her at risk. I reckon in a past life. No, Helen. Helen? He told someone on the first day.

Helen, he's writing in for some perspective. Please offer that. I think... In a useful way. He didn't say anything on the first day. However, he was not putting you at risk. It was just a casual hookup from the perspective of that first sort of like hook up

I think it was very honest in an ideal world everyone would be completely honest and lay everything out on the table the first moment they meet someone but that is not the world we mean I'm not going to hook up with someone and be like just you know I've never had

a proper relationship I've got anxiety and depression and I believe in ghosts like you know what I mean like you don't list everything like so it's it's you weren't put at risk and now you have the facts

and that is I think it's actually I think he dealt with it really well. I'll say that. I agree. I think so too. And honestly, like in this day and age, like anyone being that kind of honest,

I think it's very refreshing. Yeah. You know, he was honest. He gave you the facts when it mattered. Offered to pay for a cab. Oh. Very nice. And it sounds like you've got a lot of sexual experience

and, you know, you know what you're doing. Toots. And I would go for round three. I'd say live your life, just don't do a rim job, I reckon. Yeah. It's where I would draw the line with that one. No riming.

No? Yeah, I'm sort of like, I think trust your instincts. I feel like your instincts are that you are safe and that this person had your best interests in mind and that you've, and like, I think, look, I think similarly, in an ideal world, we would be able to go, hey, you're coming home with me, FYI, I have this STD, but it doesn't put you at risk, provided we would stay within this, these, this paradigm. and then people would generally receive that information well. I would say that, like, that assumes that we exist in a world where there isn't massive sex, negativity and shame and where there isn't shame around STDs, a lack of information, disinformation.

That makes it quite scary for that to be something that you would say. And also, like, if you're a woman, for example, you can sometimes feel unsafe in those contexts or feeling those things. So, like, I have compassion for this person. I think, look, I think, had he behaved in a way that was a risk to your body, this would be a very fucking different conversation. I do

not think you get to take that risk with somebody else's body and I do think they deserve full information. I think that how you feel is completely valid and I think you know yourself best and you were there for that conversation so you should trust yourself and that you're right.

Would I feel the same? I don't know. I think I might be annoyed that I didn't have full information but I all with with compassion for why he didn't feel he could give it to me but I I think it's okay I think like these things are like pretending these things are black and white and don't aren't nuanced and also pretending that you weren't drunk and like that like I don't know it's a very difficult one but I think your instincts are already telling you how you feel and you didn't and also like obviously I assume you're going to go get tested

you'll ask for all the information that you need to feel saying do your own research as well yeah obviously but it does feel like this person did something scary quite early on quite early um that is hard to do when there's an awful lot of stigma and judgment yeah it goes to watch and referee in the corner and be like you're too close you're gonna get an anal disease and then the ghost can sort of shout out um when it's like not going well i i am i hooked up with a guy on a first meeting also and um it was like everything happened so fast there was alcohol involved it was very fun we both wanted it followed our hearts and our horniness yeah it was great and then after the fact i got the message that said listen i'm not really in a

place to give you the relationship or anything and i you know i could have been a bit mad or upset but i did something i wanted to do too and i actually really respected him taking a moment to just say listen this is where i'm at and i can't offer you more i had a good time like but i don't know i and like i don't know Clear communication. Clear. Because in the first, it sounds like for you too, like in the first instance,

there really wasn't a moment to be up front about anything. And I know when it comes to health and, like, health and safety, like you should always, you know, risk ruining the mood

to tell someone they could be in danger if they have sex with you. But you weren't. It doesn't sound like, yeah. It doesn't sound like you were in danger the first time.

Always risk ruining the mood for a share of information, 100%. Yes. However. But also like, let's socially work towards it being more comfortable

to talk about STVs as well. Like, like, like, can't on the one hand be like he should have told her from the outset and on the other hand be like Annie SGD needs to be like

it's the worst thing that anybody could not tell you like we have to like balance it. And we hear a trusty hogs pledge to get rid of that stigma by asking every single guest to bring their full sexual medical history with them before we start each episode. It is like a nuanced balance thing and I think you should just like. We pledge to do it.

Hate to think you should just trust your instincts and it It feels like you feel okay. Cubic lice. No. Crabbs. No. No, you're not, you're joking. Happy.

You're joking. It would be fine if you had. Faginismus. Do you have vaginismus? No, I don't. And it's not an STD. Yeah. It's crabs and Lice SDD.

So they... I don't know. It's if I have enough sex to know. It's if I have enough sex to know. It's like... It's not crabs though, is it? It's like... It's not lice like a little crab shape lice.

It's like a little crab shape lice. I don't know. Crabshake lies I think that's what it Isn't that what it is I don't know I think so Just little crabs

Just little crabs just running up and down My fucking like labia Here's what I will say On this topic On this topic Dean Street in London Has an amazing clinic Where you can walk in and get tested

Lots of places I've walk in clinics To get tested My ones in Camberwell I genuinely I honestly can't stress this enough You never feel more comfortable than after you've been tested

You're like You can do it at home too. I always get the kits that you send post. Nice. Nice. Okay, great. And I leave little messages in the box for the lab technicians. Huh? What? So, like, you can get the boxes sent to you with the needle and the swab. Well, I just, I think it's such an amazing service.

I couldn't believe that it was free. I don't know. I was just, you know, I had a scare. And it was just like, I literally filled in a form. It was super discreet. I got a box, did the test, sent it. And I just put a little post that said, thank you for your service. They text you your results. Yeah, it's just nice. And then you can show that to your.

next sexual partner. What up? Be like, show me your results. We had it at school. Oh, really? At college even. There's like piss in a pot day.

I'm glad you clarified. I was like, ha, Piss in a pot day and we'd all pissing the pot and then they'd text us all our results. But it was so stupid because we'd all be in class together. And all the phones going, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And we'd all be like, huh, yay! Everyone pretending to smile, like, it was awful. There's that one person who's like, yeah, me too.

That was so scary, right, guys? That was so scary, right, guys? Sounds Farm for six from college Woo-woo, pissing up on But I think that's a really cool culture to engender

in teenagers about their bodies like that you should get tested and that it's like a thing that everyone's doing. And you should do it at school that you should do it at school but I think that's great

does that answer the problem M or Andrew any further thoughts? No I think that's very well covered I got a thing go on you also because it's like

people get confused between the asshole and vagina sometimes no they don't tell them you've got to stop believing men when they say they got confused. Helen, Helen, look at me. Look at me. No one's ever been confused. It is so taint-sized dependent. No, Helen is not. You refused to accept that some people's taints.

No, I know there are now. I know that, but look at me. There are people whose taints are that big. I'm willing to bet I have seen more women's vaginas than you have. Yeah, 100%. I've only seen yours. Okay. You haven't seen mine. I've seen yours, Louise, but comedian. and Louise Bostock. You haven't seen mine. You pulling down my trousers trying to see mine is not the same as seeing mine.

It's incredible. It's like a Barbie. The point is... Nothing flapping out. The point is you have... I can tell you I've never been down there ever and being like...

Which... Which one... Let me just try both. Yeah, let me just try. And I've never slipped. No one falls into an asshole. You've never seen a small taint doesn't mean that.

I've never come. come against the micro penis. Baby girl, I have seen, doesn't mean that don't exist. I've seen all kinds of size chains.

I promise you no one's ever been confused about the top one or the bottom one being which. Also, one's like,

huh, the other one's like mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Come on. There's a very distinct difference. I don't know. I had a finger

put up my asshole by a nurse recently and she was like relaxed and she went oh you are. I don't think I don't think one of them is like, um-mm.

Apparently I was very open to it But you were sick Oh that's amazing Easy is easy I could just make it easy access Helen Oh no we're up Okay amazing No

No My elbows stuck My crabs My crabs ran the whole 200 meters it takes Because of the size of my time Wait wait We're coming to we're coming too

Too late Too late At the finger Under the sea Under the sea Darling it's better Down where it's wetter take it from me Why is it wetter down there?

Because that's the lyrics No, okay And Bronwyn this has been horrible Thank you for coming So welcome Have you had a nice time? I had a really good time I was really sorry about all the ghost chat

I didn't like You think the thing that I've been left with I was the lasting minute I wish we were still having the ghost chat I wish we were and not the like the taint portal chat yeah

tell you the story no no thank you but Bronwyn if our listeners want to find you yes

they can if they want you know just die come back as a ghost and you can find me in Crouchend no don't give you a dress

out not an address it's a vibe Crouchend also just feels like it's like a bit Gilmore girls up there I like it's like

very spooky A hundred Are you a Gilmore Girls Watcher? I am We're all Gilmore Girls We're all a Gilmore Girls up

Women of a certain age. I've started again. It's just that time of the season to start the rewatch. Are you okay? No, it's a depression, but like... Yeah, but it's funny though, right? I'm okay, I'm chill.

Are you locked into rewatching? I've never watched Gilmore Girls when I'm mentally well. But do you try and watch it from a different perspective each time? Of course, but I will say, yeah, I mean, like, Emily's version's very interesting. I'm watching it from Luke's side now. Oh my God, good for you, man. That guy needs more support. The grandparents are great.

Don't, so obviously you naturally watch from Laurelize, and then you go through the Rory phase, which is the worst one. And then Emily Perth is an nice read Paris is a nice read I haven't done Paris Oh God It'll actually make you

Kind of bitter But listen I just think Rory's had a much easier life than she thinks she has Maybe the rest of us have problems too And watch a YouTube video on this What I will say though

Is on Gilmore Girls Once I had had my heart Like broken By a person By a person who seemed to Like not feel it Like It was the end of a really long relationship

But they seemed fine And like They had a new girlfriend really fast and they seemed like they were getting on with things really well and I was like, I am, I've imploded. Why is this so unequal? And then I went on our shared Netflix and realized that they'd been watching Gilmore Girls

and I was like, there are a terrible time! It's all the facade! We're fine! I'm fine. Fuck you, man, fuck you. Fuck you. It was such a euphoric discovery. I was like, it's cool. They're having a really hard time as well.

We're fine. They are so wruggling. Yeah, no one happy watching it. Or Greasin Anatomy. that's my other Oh my god that is a really dark place Really dark place

I brought my whole family in with me to that dark hole I was like I was like I was like I'd also gone through a breakup There we go and I was just like I'm so sorry Yeah They were watching in solidarity

But actually you found home for Christmas I was like we're not watching Christmas movies We're starting season 8 of Grace Anatomy Season 8 you took them in us I took them the whole way Just past Sandra It was bad But anyway you can find me at

Brauncom on Instagram and Twitter And now TikTok I'm up to 300 views on my last video So I'd say Doing real well Don't mind if we do Bronwyn you've been such a lovely guest

Thank you for being here And listen I wish you well with Pacey Thank you so much yes And send I love to Pacey I will No I will That's what I said Broadwood Sweeney everybody

Yay Thank you Thank you Thank you so much to our exact producers Guy Goodman, Simon Moores, Janina Batista, Mary Fox, Annie Taunner, Sarah Harke, Deacon and Oliver Jago. Thank you! Your angels! Thank you too to our producers, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bolt, Neil Redman, Victoria, Hutchison, Emma Walton, Karen and David Bull, Harold Van Dyke,

Dye, Doyle, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel R, Anthony Conway, Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen, Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah and Molly, Alex Cue, Josie W, Amy, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina, Lindsay, Sophie, Chivers, Graeme, Marsh, Emily, Guy and Amy. Oh, Reardon, you're a bunch of absolute legend. Yes! Thank you! Thank you! I read it out next time. Yeah.

Yeah.