Trusty Hogs - Ep58. CHARLY CLIVE / Acting, Ankles & A&E

Episode Date: November 10, 2022

We have an absolute blast with Charly Clive this week, a brilliant actor & one half of sketch duo Britney. We get into some dating news, marathon confessions, and a whole raft of Hogs hospitalisations…FOLLOW CHARLY: @CharlyCliveThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi baby girl, hey, welcome to trusty hogs episode 58. Hi, hi, we have so much to tell each other. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're gonna give you problems and they will solve them, or maybe they won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. I feel like I've been through more,

but I feel like you think you've got a lot to say as well. I don't know what we're going to do. Listen, I think you've been through more. I think that, but I have some parish announcements. And I know you hate those. What can we do them? Oh, sit tight. Oh, my God, great.

Parish announcement number one. What? Hang on, no, wait. You're doing a parish announcement. How is that you sitting tight? Okay. First of all, I want to say hello and welcome to trusty hugs. Hugs, this is a podcast where we tell you about our perfect lives and then we listen to

your problems about your less than perfect lives and we help you solve them. You're welcome. Now, before we get to Paris announcement, big news is we've just put an entire episode out for patrons and it is incredible or are we dropping it soon, Andrew? What's happening? It'll be out this week. This week the patrons are getting an episode. An entire episode. I will say is the best thing I think we've ever recorded. Yeah. So we did a big mailbag episode where we listened. We went back to all of your listener problems. and tried to solve as many of them as we could in an hour or so. I will say it was meant to be an actual episode of the podcast,

but then Andrew and M described it as uneditable. Too personally revealing. So it has to just go for the patron. There is a discovery about my body that I'm genuinely, if you met me on tour, I told you about this episode. It was astonishing that you did not know this about your own body. I still don't. I know that you don't have it.

You do. Oh, my God. I do not have it. Helen, yes, you do. I know you say I do, but like... Every woman does. Then go up there and find it yourself. I love you.

Because that is the only way we'll solve it. Anyway, patrons, please enjoy the journey of the body. And if you're not a patron, I would say there are 56 extra episodes on there, 57 extra episodes plus the mailbag. That's 58 episodes. Guys, just get on there. You can listen to all the extra episodes where we put basically all of our filthy secrets. For five pounds a month. It's such a good deal.

And there's so many benefits. Anyway, let's talk about. To buy tulips, buy Trustee Hogs. Yeah, just like, stop with all the coffee. Or a coffee or a beer. You can make coffee at home. We're not in your home.

You're welcome. How about you don't buy that Cress egg that you buy every month with the head with the eyes on it that has Cress growing out the top of it? Leave that for November. Buy Tristy Hogg. The classic November punch.

Have you ever met a person? I'm worried that I haven't. I feel like when you're on tour, this happens, though, we're like the first people you speak to are 200 people in a room, all day and then you... 200.

Okay. We tour differently. Okay. 75 people in a room. Okay. Anyway, welcome to Drusty Hoggs. Here's the deal.

Parish announcement number one. That wasn't one? Parish announcement number one. You're going to like this, Helen, if you'd ever let me get it out. I have an apology to make. To you. Last time...

Do you guys know what this is? Does anyone at home know? Okay, we're going. The person, one person at home knows what it is. Okay. So, as you know, I went to Creamtown, aka Butch, Please. Yes. And I said on this podcast to you that you would not be welcome there

when you offered to come and stand in the smoking area and roll cigarettes for the bushes. Yes, yes, as a service. Because I felt like that was inappropriate, appropriative, and ultimately not your space. Also, you take up a lot of space, baby, girl. But you're a lad woman. I know, so I was like, no, no, no, that's not for you.

Oh, no. So then I go to Butch, please, and I feel. like a princess and it's wonderful. So I'm in Selfridges with my little brother who's in London. So we went to the Christmas section. I love him. Yes, we went to the Christmas section

as all tourists should. Phenomenal. It really got me in the mood. And I... Oh no, I thought it was a good. There's no gift for you. Well, that's interesting that you should say that because the reason this person got my attention was

this person goes to me, have you bought something for Helen? And I was like, excuse me? Like a random person, self-oges? No, so a person who knows my girlfriend and who I was with also. was like, did you get something for Helen? And I was like, oh, you listen to our podcast?

And they were like, yeah, did you get something for Helen? And I was like, no, what's happening? And they were like, by the way, can I just tell you something? And I was like, okay. And they were like, sometimes Butches want to feel like princesses too. And personally, I can think of nothing that would make us feel better than more than Helen Bauer standing in the smoking area, rolling a cigarettes in my gosh way. Oh my God, I knew I would be welcome.

So shout out to Shiv. Hi, Shiv, thank you so much for saying that and I will be there in the next one and I won't go inside I will try and I will try and like moderate my voice but I'll be rolling rolling rolling I'll be like there you go

you're a princess you're an angel you're an angel She's going to start the cue so that if you want to arrive fashionably late the queue will already be formed for the Helen Bauer experience but is the experience

just here's a sticky here's a lighter ghosts are inside no because then my girlfriend was like also you could be rolling me cigarettes and doing the dumping the teeth

on the head thing that you do? Oh yeah. Well, okay, let's not say I do that because I've had a couple of um, tortakes for someone afterwards, it's been like, can you drop your toe to my head? And I'm like, okay, legally probably not. It's not for men, it's only for tiny lesbians.

It's only for tiny lesbians and only when Catherine's there because it makes a clap and cheer. It does. I really love it. It makes me so. All the things I do that make you recoil. I, you light up when I'm in a space and you're like,

do the testing, do the chest thing. And Catherine's just in the corner. corner puts on her espresso martini like he he he he they dropped on my head fast it really is a skill set that I don't possess and therefore adore I think you admire I really do adore it I do thank you for my apology you're welcome so shout out to Shiv um Shiv also I think I referred to them as a lesbian and then they corrected me which is so fair because they're non-binary and then I was like I won't mention that to Helen because Helen will say something inappropriate no I won't hi Shiv what's happening I cannot wait to roll you a cigarette okay great that's

That's Parish Announcement number one. It was good, wasn't it? Okay, that was fun. The Christmas gift. Parish announcement number two. What do you mean Christmas gift? You were in Selfridges, the Christmas area, and we were reminded. I didn't buy you anything.

I can't stress that enough. Okay, Shiv, you can go fuck yourself. How about that? No, Shiv, told me to ask if I'd bought you something. I know, but then didn't follow through with it to chase you up on it. No, I didn't buy anything. I got a gifty. I mean, it's not from me, but.

So Parish announcement number two is that Helen sprained her ankle. Oh, okay. Twice. Twice. Now, this I'm very mad about it because why did you sprain at the second time, Helen. I went out drinking.

Helen, re-sprining a sprain because you went out drinking is really fucking irresponsible. So, too, is everything about how you first sprained your ankle, which is to say, I get a message from Helen being like, hey, just in case you see it on Twitter,

I've spraying my ankle, don't worry about it. It's, okay, as if I can't see it from here, it's huge. You have to help me put my shoe back on afterwards. Oh, no, don't do this. I've done it. She just tried to take off her shoe,

and she made a real painful face. Look at the side of her friend. Oh my God, it's ginormous. Oh, it's all yellow and green, Helen. Oh, my baby girl. Okay, just believe me, it's huge. It is huge, truly. And the other one's so tiny.

Yeah, it's like breakable. Em, come look at it. I need attention. I need attention, please. Thank you. But I do want to talk about this because at parish announcement number two, you're still really shit at going to hospital. I went. Because I forced you to. I went.

Yeah, I also really like Catherine screaming at Senate. Right, basically, what happened? Isn't that really bad? It's fucking massive. It doesn't even like have... Watched on YouTube so you can see her swollen ankle. It's so bad. It looks like she's in their third trimester.

Thank you. Go on. Thank you. That feels good. Basically, I did my tech... I wish I mean she's glowing. I'm fucking glowing. I did my tech for Soho Theater.

I thrived in it. I did really well. How? Helen. It has to stand up, but I had to show. No, why are you standing? Why are you here? And then, and then went home, had dinny, okay, was going back out to do Soho theater,

put on my audio book that I was listening to. Wait, this all happened because you were too cheap to pay for dinner and so-ho. Y'all? Okay. No, my mum was having dinner in Soho. Oh, there was nowhere safe to go. There was nowhere safe to go. And then, I'm leaving the flat, I fell down the first step, one of three steps.

No. And it just went like, voomed. Wait, indoor outdoor steps. outside. Okay, did you slip on something worse? And no, literally just like misjudged step distance something weird happened. Oh my darling. Clearly I just like,

you know when you just like misstep and you roll on your ankle? I just rolled in it and I went like, so they was like did you fall forward or backwards? And I was like no, I went down like an elevator. So I went oh and then held onto a pole and went oh no. Oh no! And you know when you're like sad even though you don't even know there's any pain yet.

Yeah. So then I was like, oh it's fine. there'll be a bit of shock I'll do the show and then I'll get back home later I'll get on the bus now while the shock's still there did two steps and I was like it's not gonna happen

so went back home got in the flat and then Neil was just like oh what the fuck are you doing back here I was trying to have a nice evening because he paid to have like the three hour version of Kingdom of Heaven to watch it

or something and I'm not allowed to be at home when he's watching films anymore because of the talking so he can see my show eventually on the Saturday and he left early to go watch it and it's very complicated

very tense very tense with my love But then, then, then I called my agent, texted you. Yeah. Which I think is the right order. Okay, I fine. And then my agent went, stop talking to me, call one-on-one. And then you text saying, have you spoken to one-one-one?

Have you gone to the hospital? And I hadn't. So I called one-one-one. And they went, we've got you an appointment at the hospital at 9pm. And I was like, okay, I can do it. So the show got pulled and they were like, right, go to hospital. Because my anchor was double the size by this point. And I couldn't put any weight on it.

So me and Sunil like hobbled. down there and I managed to get me inside the A&A and then they were like oh no no no no injuries are at 7am and I was like no I have an appointment and they were like injuries are at 7 that we had to leave but then the next morning I called you at 830

and had you gone to injuries no I was watching Markham in the middle and were you going to go to injuries no you weren't what I have to do I had to bribe you with a 20 pound gift which I will will deliver I will deliver but I will also say that I think it was shit that I had to bribe you and you should want to take care

yourself better than that. But I knew it wasn't broken. But Andrew and M. you're going to freak out of this. Catherine already knows. But so I went to hospital. They did do an x-ray on it just in case because they weren't quite sure.

And I was like, I'm so, I didn't hear a crunch for a break. Medical professionals were unsure, but Helen knew. She just had a vibe. She could just vibe it out. She could just vibe it out. And then, so it was,

it's a teaching hospital. Hospital. Hospital. Are you okay? I don't know. It's a teaching hospital. So they put me on the x-raying. machine and they x-rayed me and there was like two people learning and they were like and

what's that what's that and I kept hearing the word normal normal and I was like oh I'm normal as fuck and then they were pointing at something else they went what's that and they went oh no what's that oh and they were muttering and I was like oh shit maybe I have fractured it so I went back in the waiting area waiting for the doctor to call me in the same one where I got the doctor to tell Neil O'Rourke needed to be my full-time carer the same doctor yeah not same doctor same wing okay yeah very exciting happy memories happy memories and then got through and the doctor went Did your heel hurt? And I was like, oh, no, it's my ankle from my ankle.

And she was like, no, no, no, but in general, does your heel hurt? And I was like, um, I guess sometimes. And she went, yeah, you've got an extra bone growing out of your heel. What? And it's true. Google calcaneum spur. And I have like such a long one. It's like a talon.

I'm like a dinosaur. Annoyingly, Heidi's wife did say it was common. So I don't feel very special right now. but mine is really big calcaneum and the hospital were like you need to talk to your doctor

about this it's mine I've got the one that grows out the bottom oh ew do you love it yeah

I know jealous it kind of like hooks it's like a little like a dinosaur yeah yes I've got one like the toe like the back toe

of a teradactal yes because I thought I'd had this foot before but clearly it must have been the other one last time because otherwise

they would have been like you've got a you know, because that's the top thing you tell people, you tell people. Gosh, and I can see it on the X-ray. She showed me. Yeah, are you jealous? I guess so. And then I did my show the other nights and I was just like hopped upon painkillers.

So I was a bit, oh. What, did you do it sitting down? No, standy, standy. And then the first night I did it. So the night after it happened, I forgot and I stamped my foot down really hard on the crap. Helen! But apparently the audience, like, completely forgot. I told them at the beginning for attention.

But then, like, they know where. knew. But then the last night of Soho, I was like, okay, well, just a couple of drinks. And then, like, because I can now because it's the end of Soho. And you restrain it. And then Soho Theatre closed. It was like 2.30 a.m. My friend Gwyneth came after Mockingbird to come hang

out. And then there was like a little group of us, like me, Charlotte, from my agency's office, someone else. We don't know if I want to be named. But we were going to go to Freedom. Some lesbian gay bar. No? Is that right? I'd never heard of it before.

And we run away there, but there's a really big keywalks. If you haven't heard of it, it mustn't be a famed lesbian bar. Oh, sorry. I thought, I thought we'd all know between us. No? And then I said, let's go to the speak-easy. Let's go to Trishers. And as we were walking there, I rolled on my ankle and re-spranged it.

And then there were no cabs, no taxi. So Neil Patel wasn't answering his phone. So Gwyneth Keyworth, who was about five foot too tall, had to act as a crutch all the way down to Sharsbury Avenue. and we were trying to find a taxi couldn't find one so I just got on the bus in the end. Oh my darling! And then... That one's entirely your fault.

Can I do one more win? That one's entirely your fault. No, it's not poor heaven. I'm going to tell you, I have a... The reason I brought this on Paris announcements is I was going to make an admission that I think you'll really enjoy. You've got a £20 gift for me, but it's actually £40.

No, I have a cheer you up story that I thought you would enjoy that you deserve because you've been to the hospital so much late. I need it and also because yesterday morning I ordered Dominoes and then Snail obviously had to get the door and then he took it to his room. you brought it back though yeah after like a minute of me like

actually screaming yeah I believe you I believe you really not what do you order large stuff crust and chicken kickers and he went straight to his room

like ha ha ha ha and you know when you're like I'm not in the mood I'm not in the mood this is not the one you know well I think you'll find this funny okay okay

I'm ready to tell this story at the time that it happened I don't really know that I'm ready to tell it now. I'm telling it only for you. It's a gift to you because you've been to the hospital so much lately. You injured yourself and you didn't get it checked out. No. You forgot to wash your vagina. You left a tampon up there for a week. No, will you just listen to the story? I'm going to tell you why I was in fact at the hospital the night before my half matter. The actual

story? The actual story. Because I've got a hunch. Oh, I think your hunch is right. I know my hunch is right. Is it something to do with the tummy? You just listen. I'm listening. I don't want to tell it, but I'm just telling it for you because I feel like you need cheering up and you deserve it. And also because I'm worried our guests later, we'll tell the story instead. Yes!

Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. Helen, I had started dating someone new. And we'd been dating for like what, six, seven weeks? Yeah. So I, we were lesbians, we'd seen each other too much. We were spending all our time around each other. other. And I'm a lady. I'm a lady who wants to be seen as a little dainty lady who wants to be seen sort of like a Barbie, like a robot lady, sex doll ladies. Moose over. And, um, Helen, I couldn't

go to the toilet. You got backed up. You got real backed up, no? You gave yourself stomach problems. Helen, I couldn't go to the toilet or like, you know, like, and you did this stuff. For like, weeks, weeks, weeks. Her toilet is right beside the head of her bed. Isn't that illegal? That should be illegal. She has a toilet that's like right above the head of her. I don't know why you're getting angry right now.

Just go to the toilet. I can't. If anyone doesn't know what we're talking about here, go back and listen to the Patreon episode of Jess Fosterkew, the live show where we talk about the plug poo and the poo that follows. No, no. That's not what I want you to do.

I think it's important to listen to the plug and the general. Basically, I couldn't go. go to the toilet. No. But that is dangerous. That's the thing. I know. And it was the most,

I honest to God, I thought my appendix was bursting. Yeah, I bet you fucking did. And I was like, and we, geez, I can't even say the words around her.

I'm like, please just stop talking about it. So she's like, what's wrong. What could it be? I don't know what it could be. You know, I didn't know at the time.

Had you had gas? I didn't know. I couldn't do that either. I couldn't do any of it. I just couldn't. And also I went to an old girl school. I am trying to that shit in you would rather keep it in

then fucking ruin your life forever. But when you sleep it just like you know like a famous scene of Markham in the middle where like Helen Lois and she's like I've never shit or fart in front of you because I love you and he's like honey every night when you fall asleep you would explode but I still love you maybe I was doing that that's hell to think about

why would you say that to me now I won't be able to sleep either thanks now I won't be able to sleep either this is hell this is hell this is hell So what did the doctor do? Dig it out? No, Jesus. What do you think doctors do? Came with a little shovel, like an exploration. No, no, no. They just gave me medicine. It's a great question. M. How did I do a half marathon? M asks.

The answer is, in extreme pain. It's in extreme. I was in so much pain. When it started, I thought, I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not going to be able to do this. But Chloe Pets is quite an infectious source. And I thought, well, I have to. And also, part of me honestly thought, maybe. running well like get things moving as far as like a movement thing yeah Andrew who do you honestly think is like the stupider one out of the two of us as far as hospital visits this year guys

as far as hospital visits because I'd say my um egg poisoning was genuine and very stressful you had a problem with the coil I'd say that was genuine and stressful you re-sprining your ankle from drinking re-spray okay ankle sprain though awful what poor little Helen and not shitting. That's mad. That is kind of mad. Who is the biggest strain on the NHS?

I'm sorry to the NHS. Which is the biggest strain on the NHS? No, I'm sorry to the NHS. Catherine backed herself up into a strain on the NHS. Hell! And also I didn't go back. Okay, I actually have now lost my sock on the ankle that I can't reach. I'm coming to get you.

I'm coming to get you. I'm coming to get you. I can do it. I can't do it. It's just the sock. I can't do the shoe. Look, feel it. It's so puffy. I know, poor Helen. Yes, thank you. Owie. Oh, Catherine's serving me. Andrew, she's down and away now. You can tell us what you think about her.

The poo story. Oh, it's mad. It's absolutely mad. It's so funny. Catherine's now saying men are disgusting and it's a different rule. No, poor Helen. I do think the egg poisoning is stupider. Really? Yeah.

How, though? Because how would I know that the eggs would eventually turn against me? Eggs very famously quite a temperamental food item. Eggs and raw chicken really up there actually in terms of things. Wasn't I mean raw chicken? I'm not a moron. Well, no, obviously I didn't think you're putting like raw chicken breast. You eat chicken when it's been cooked for a minute.

A minute chicken. A minute chicken. Actually, you know what? I'm actually more impressed now that you've not been to the hospital more. I think, should we try and pledge no Trustee Hogg's hospital? a hospital visits next year. Let's just go up to Christmas, shall? Yeah.

Until Christmas. Let's make it achievable. Wait, so what's that? Two months, no hospital. You got it. But we can visit other people there. Yeah. Gorgeous.

We still get our fix. There's two of us bleeding from the head, like, we said, not this year. That would be incredible. If we were just stitching, we'll do a medical expert episode when we're just stitching each other. Like, well, this work?

We don't want to be stupid bitches, though. We're not getting this hole fixed. Welcome to the trusty hoax of the bottomies. special. Oh, don't. I watch this film. You know, I'm still watching like a new film every single week. What? So,

I've told you about this. You did not tell us about this. Not on the podcast, but in real life, I've mentioned that I'm watching a new film every single week. No, you didn't. Emma! Who's Emma? Emma. Cameron. I wasn't sure who Emma was or if Emma was the film you'd watch.

Okay, anyway, so I watched Caroline last week. And then this week, I watched the horror Express. It's a 1970s film about murders that happen on a train starring Christopher Lee. Do you ever think that like... And they lobotomize someone on the train, it's amazing.

Okay, thank God. I genuinely, just before you got to the end of that sentence I was like, where are the threads between conversation points with her? The horror express. But there it is. It's a lobotomay. Currently available on BBC I play. Wow. Gosh. So, okay, we've had a lot of news

is what I'm saying. You've brought us a gift from Germany? This is from two lovely German hogs who by the way are from West Germany and came all the way to Berlin Whoa Is that far? It's far.

That's like across the entire down the country Oh my God I have to see where it is I'll say this to lovely Laura and there was someone else called you and I can't remember that name I'm sorry they when they gave this to me

I did not open it because I was on the street I was drinking and I had like smoking and it was smoking and it It was a disaster. But when I opened this, I just absolutely lost it. So do you want to read out the note? Dear Giglis, Hogg, cult leaders, thanks for all the laughs. Lara, P.S. Andrew's holding that because he is an IT wizard.

Apologies, I was limited by the selection. And then cut to this box that Helen has just opened, which appears to be miniature Legos of the Hawks team. Catherine and Helen. There's a desk. It's a little desky. But look, it says hogs on the other side of it. We're going to put it here.

Oh my God, it says hogs. Wait, wait, I'm going to do it like this. Is this me? That's you. And Catherine's holding a little ass that says champagne. She's such a princess. She drinks champagne. She's ginger.

Look at her. My one's holding a box of pizza. Where is it? Can you see? Yeah. Oh, you don't figure it to the cameras. There we go. Catherine can't do it.

We'll put a picture up on our Instagram. Go follow us on Instagram to see it. It is the cutest thing. And Andrew? Yours has pizza. Mine is pizza. Andrews is holding a little balloon doggie. Oh, Andrew's actually coming over to look at it.

Why? I forgot a balloon doggy? Because I'm a wizard. I love how no one is on mic apart from me. It is finally the Helen show. Catherine's got more news, everyone. Right, put your Lego figure down. Okay.

I just love playing with her. like putting her on her little ledge that says Catherine. But she's going to live at the studio, I think, Darlene. But I want to keep her forever from my house. Okay. Okay. Well, we'll stop doing the podcast and then, oh, give to Helen. Okay.

I'll put it down. What a roll reversal there. Catherine, stop playing with the toys. Catherine, go ahead. Playing with it for too long, Andrew. You're not supposed to do that. Hello, Helen. Helen, we're waiting on our guest.

Yes. Before she gets here. I get my 20 pound gift. Oh, no, I haven't bought it yet. Already? You wanted it? Okay, fine. Whoa, you're livid.

No, no, I'm not. I'm actually, I'm trying to be you. Are you trying to be chill? No, I'm trying to be like, I'm trying to be the you of the podcast. Oh, okay. Like, okay, you didn't get it for me. I'll get it then. Okay, I think I'd be more past ag about it. Okay, fine, I'll get in next week.

Fine, I'll get it when I guess I'm already feeling better and I don't need to be reassured by you. Okay, that's what I would have said. That's pathetic. That's pathetic. I'm sorry. No, don't be like, well. Be better, be better.

Tell me your newsy. Tell me your newsy. Okay, so I got loads of messages after Butch, um, after Butch, Please ask me if I'd be at the next one. The answer is, it's a mystery. I can't just sign up for Creamtown every month. You have to sign up for Creamtown every month. So we go together?

Now I'm allowed to go. Yeah. I would actually love to. When is it? I don't know. We could check though. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

Okay, I'm genuinely excited. I want to go to it. I'm excited. I want more fun nights out. You need them. We need them. I feel like I do a lot of drinking after gigs at the moment. Yeah.

But it's not the same. It's not a night out. And also I'm drinking often after gigs for like, because I'm too tired if I don't have a drink or I'm like trying to like calm down after the gig. I do it for sleeping reason. That's a bad reason. That's a bad reason. That's exactly why I do it like a glass

of wine, particularly like after doing a long show and it's just to like unwind and chill out. Oh my God, I've got something mad to tell you as well. Help me immediately. But what, chilling out after a gig? Yeah. So the Tuesday night is the night my mum is coming to see the show. Right. Show gets cancer because I sprayed my ankle. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Okay. My brother was there with the girl that he's been

dating for literally two dates, okay, and she was just going to tag along and see the show. Nice. But then my mum meets her and then in the ultimate and searching for the daughter, she never had moved when the show got cancelled and they were like, my mum was like, I can go Thursday, my brother was like

oh, I'll be aware, I can't do Thursday. And I went, she went with a girlfriend. You can come with me. No! We'll get to know each other really well. And then the fucking girlfriend, she was amazing, but we had drinks after it, even after my mum had gone. And she was like, yeah, your brother's still on Tinder. Like this is weird

Yeah, this is fucking weird Yes, this is weird I don't like this either My cousin was there She met half the family It was insane What I'm hearing is now That your mom and your brother

Are dating the same woman Apparently so I'm hearing from this Apparently so It was absolute madness That's absolutely mad Okay well I have something To tell you before our guest arrives

Oh my God okay Okay look I didn't want to identify My new girlfriend Because I've also been dating her For five milliseconds But Okay it's been longer than five milliseconds

But she happens to be in a double act, a comedy double act and one half of that double act the other half is our guest today, Charlie Clive. What? You know this. You're going out with Ellen from Britain. What? That's not the news. That's not the news.

My point is I thought they would both come on and we would talk to them about their comedy but instead Ellen refuses to come on this podcast. Wait, are you serious? Which I actually kind of respect her for it. Yeah, she refuses to. So could you leave her, could you send her of voice notes. Yeah, I respect that so much, but I've got her number.

I'll message her now. You love to do on-air podcast, or voice notes, and suddenly you don't want to. Suddenly, I'm choosing dignity for me. She were fuses to come on the podcast so we can only have Charlie. But I want the listener to know that if you want to go see their show in December, which you should, it's really funny. I saw before we started fucking and I still wanted to fuck her, so that's a good sign. What I'm pointing is, I'm saying that there is a lesbian in the double act. Oh, Ellen, poor little Helen,

you don't come on podcast. I understand that you don't want to talk to Kauffin but maybe when Kathwin away one episode we do one together

I love Wu and you're right big tits are the most important thing I sendy okay I thought you'd be like

more I thought you'd give out to her for not coming on our podcast that was really but I feel like how rude

if her not to come but then do you want to know what she said sorry correction actually it turns like Catherine

wanted me to be angry at you for not coming on the podcast so how about you go, fuck you stuff, you fucking whore. I'm sorry, love you so much.

We don't know each other like that yet. Bye-bye. That felt good. That felt good. That felt good. Do you want to know? I stand by it. I actually, oh, I think I've got a rash.

I'm getting a rash. Do you know what? She tried to make a romantic. It was like, the thing is you've done podcasts with exes before it didn't work at. I mean, that's true. That's fucking true. Work out which of our previous five guests are exes of Catherine Bohart. Please submit your answers to Andrew's parents' house.

We'll be picking a winner and you too get to watch Catherine interact with her exes in her workplace. Yay! Anyway, if we bring a look at us. So fun, let's do it, everybody. It's Charlie Clive! Hello, if you like Trustee Hogs, why not join our Patreon?

Listen, we have an extra episode every single week if you do, which is amazing. And you can listen to the backlog of them If you have just joined, you get all the 57 free ones that are already out. Additionally, we put up extra content, extra shows, extra live shows. And lately, an entire episode of a solving listener problems called the Mailbag Special Edition 1. There's so many treats on there. I think it's worth a fibre, if not more.

Oh, my God. Come on, you fucking little piggy whores. Join us for five pounds a month. You get everything and you can be our best friend. I love how they're the whores, but we're asking for their money. Confusing. Have a lovely day. Thank you, baby.

Hello, we are doing a live Christmas show for Trustee Hogs. It's called Hog, Hog, Hog, ho, ho, like Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, but Hog, Hog, Hog, and you can drink Egghog. It's like eggnog, but with bacon in it. Egghog. Only at the Bill Murray Pub on December the 18th for Trusty Hogg's life. Hog, Hogg, Hogg. Bye. Welcome

Charlie fucking Clyde Oh my god, hi! The other than Catherine show A bit ding ding ding bumboy No, no I love that sound effect for me, thank you You know like when they do like radio I'm trying to bring that back into the podcast

Charlie Clive you will know her from Pure If anybody watched that, the wonderful show about OCD My old agent was obsessed with it And lovely Helen a bumpus And we did a gig and Helena was there And Brittany were on And Helen was like, oh my God. It's her.

Oh, my God. And I said hi to Charlie and she went, you know that. That's so cute. You're also one half of the incredible double-act sketch group, Brittany. True. And you're currently filming the Lazarus Project. True again. How do you have time for us, Charlie Glyve?

Well, I've got time. Well, Catherine made me come here. Yeah, that's right. That's true. Thank you for doing it. Thank you for having me. I'm very happy to be you. How's filming a television show?

Really nice, really fun. Yeah. It's... Just go straight to catering, it's all right. The catering's good. Okay, so what we're talking? Breakfast, lunch, dinner, buffet? Breakfast, lunch, no dinner.

What? What? No, I know. Even on an iTunes? So then you have... They still call it lunch, but you have it at 7. What kind of food's we talking about? Is it a buffet?

It is a buffet. Yeah, but... No, wait, wait. I've been burnt before by saying, someone goes, oh, it's a buffet, and you go nice, and it turns out it's just a selection of sandwiches or just soup in a cup. No, no, no.

this is a buffet okay talk to me um two proteins a vegetarian option hello and a vegan option yeah actors and you can you can mix and match but actually you can't really have the vegan option why that's reserved because they only make a certain amount for the vegans yeah it's fair okay it's fine that's fair I guess that's fine but is it ever better often and actually um if you just get the vegan option they'll let you have that but you can't understand but you can't go I'll have the beef and the vegan option. Yeah, that seems fair. That seems fair.

Okay, cool. You know that Britney was one of the first shows I saw in at the fringe? Was it? Explains a lot. What? Here we go. It doesn't explain anything actually because Charlie Glyve cock blocked the hell out of me. This is true.

This is true. Unintentionally. Oh, very unintentionally. So I had met Charlie a few times and only ever when we were in at shows or very drunk. Yeah. Or sometimes both of the same time. I love that for both of you. Yeah.

And so I went to see the show because I had never seen Britney even though you'd been at the fringe a few times at the same time as me so I was like I should go. And I went and you know I don't really know how I feel about sketch. That's, no one does.

And I'm sorry. I love it so much. That's nice. I'm a sketchbook. It's actually unfairly a nationalist stance that I have which is that it feels so traditionally British. Does it?

Yeah, that I was like, I don't know. But anyway, I went because I support women. And this show was so good. The only show I saw The Fringe with Healy's in. Well, yeah, it's sort of our thing. Yeah. It's got to stand out. I haven't seen it yet. I'm going to go see at Soho

because we were the same time in the Pleasant School. Yeah, true. Oh, of course you were. Which when that before my show, I was focused and getting in the zone and Charlie Ellen were plying back pints. Yeah, that's true as well. Of course. Okay, well, I went and is it okay for me to say the premise of the show? Please.

Is which of them do you fancy more? And I went with two boys. And Ellen, your sketch partner is a lesbian. True. I was like, the lesbian, please. And the boys were like, Charlie Clive, Charlie Clive, Charlie Clive, Charlie Clive. And it feels so good. But so then afterwards, I was like, I mean, that lesbian was quite cute.

So I'll message Charlie, who's the only one I know. And I was like, hey, Charlie, great show. Can I get you guys a drink? And hours later, Charlie messaged back to be like, oh no, sorry, we're playing cards in the meadows. And I was like, whoa, that lesbian did not fancy me. Well, that lesbian didn't know that you had messaged me. and you'd also message me on Instagram and I don't have my notification switched on on

Instagram because I like to be in the moment and so thank you though thank you I've never thought of you as an actor just till now I like to live presently I really like to sort of absorb the world around me and so then when I did see it I was like oh that's such a saying that we miss Catherine and I had thought I didn't think it was a come on for Ellen

because of that's not a clear come on Yeah, but then you did tell me repeatedly that it was. Yeah. And then you told Ellen. And then, well, Ellen, you had already sort of made your attendance quite clear to Ellen by the point that you told me it was a come on. Intentions quite clear. That sounds so like I had been like chasing her around the thing.

No, that's not fair. You're right. No. Okay, I think it's pretty fair towards the last two weeks, no? That's not true. We were as equally chasing each other. Okay. You were both into it.

You both were and are into it. You're both super into it, but your presence at the Pleasance Courtyard compared to your actual venue was incredible. I was there a lot. I thought for a while there was about a week where I thought Catherine just really enjoyed meeting me after my show. But I was her reason to be there to be like, oh, I'm just seeing Helen. And then she'd just stare at Brittany's venue waiting for it to her hands.

Don't bullshit! You were there every day. Every day. And then I'd be like, oh my God, do you want to just hang out or something? and you'd be like, yeah, no, we should hang out, we should hang out. Where's the, what's happening over the, should we go around the corner? I hate you. This is actually a nightmare.

But that's, but that's nice because, as you said, the whole point of the show was that people fancy us. So that's proof positive that it worked. It did work. Surely you were getting loads of messages after the show every day. And this is sad because you know that I wasn't, because I did complain to you about this a lot at the fringe. But I don't understand how that's possible. I actively, also, I actively was, I wasn't sort of like looking for anybody to be obsessed with me, but I was thinking, surely that's going to happen considering that's the point of the show.

And then it wasn't happening. And you did ask me a few times, Catherine, like, oh, like people slipping into your DMs, or you have people coming up to you after the show. And we mainly had students coming up to us saying, oh, Ellen's like such a, like, I think Ellen's amazing. it's so exciting to see like somebody queer and I was like, there's everybody at the Fringe is queer. Don't tell me about it.

Thank you. Can I say like, we get it. We know what my sexuality is now. I do think like, and I'm an ally and I want to make that so clear. I want to celebrate Ellen. I want to celebrate Ellen and I'm an ally but I also would be like,

could one student fancy me? The thing is I did. I also fancied you after the show but Ellen doesn't like when I say that. No, and thank you for telling me. Thank you. I think I've told you that more. A few times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I come to Soho, do you want me to just sort of like jump on you after the show and push Ellen down the stairs? Yeah, I, meet us at the top of the stairs. I'd be like, oh, she's a manta. Yeah. That one's mingin'nong, that's a mingin' muntar.

Or actually, better for me if you go, God, that one's gorgeous, but I actually prefer the personality of that one more about me. Really? Because I think better to not say, that one's so hideous I have to like that one better to say

both beautiful I much prefer Charlie as a person and a lover I have a good time with both of you but that one just got better chat

because you are fucking dull as shit and then going mutter you're a fucking mutter I think you've decided it's mutter so let's do that how often

in 22 do you have opportunity to shout munter at someone it's so true not enough no not enough like it's just it's completely

gone from our vocabulary Larry, which is such a shame. But I do. As a manta. No, you mustn't do this. I was a manta for a while. No, I won't believe that. I had a very like unwashed eyeliner from like two weeks at school, like Barry Mazzardust down the face, like no tissues but constantly snorting on the sleeve.

I had a munt face. But these all sound like choices you made to stay in that face. Oh, I was in, I was full munting. Okay, okay. Can I just say though on the show, aside from whether or not you fancy either Charlie or Ellen, and it's implausible that you won't fancy one of them. I would say, the show really has it all. It's also about friendship.

It is. I'd like to think it's mainly about friendship. No, I didn't get that. No. No, I thought it was mainly about hot girls, but also friendship. I think it's like, it's about two hot girls in a friendship. And listen, there should be more representation of that. Thank you.

Where can you watch two hot women be friends on television, eh? Yeah, and also. Do on a podcast. Yeah, and you guys are filming this, so people can see three hot girls. Oh my God. She's so cute. What a platter. Which is gorgeous.

Oh my God. Which is so nice. This is crazy. But I do think that a lot of the show is also us talking about how we have, we weren't always the hot girls we are now. That's a beautiful story. Thank you. What a struggle. It's, um, you absolutely munters.

So, no, we weren't muntas. We were just like, I actually remember thinking all the way through secondary school that I had like a lot going for me. And, um, that. A lot of people around me, like, weren't just not on my level yet. They were intimidated. And I kept thinking, like, God, it's such a shame for all these parties that I'm not invited to because I would bring such good snacks. Good snacks, good vibes.

I'd get picked up early. Yeah. So if you got sick of me, I'd be gone first. I'll take the group picture. I won't be in it, but I'll take the group picture. Absolutely. And I'm the one there with the digital camera. Oh, sweet angel.

So I'll take the photos. I'll tag everyone. I will have all, yeah, the albums. And I'll name them something funny. I'll caption every photo. I'll tag you the night I get home. But that's what you need. Sweet Ane.

We're in someone like that, incredible. I'm so sorry, you're invited. Well, I sometimes, I sometimes was. Ellen gets cross at me sometimes because she says that I make a bigger deal of not being cool in school. Because I was quite cool in school, but like, I think people are like,

oh, we really enjoy. Helen. It doesn't sound like you were. I'm sorry. No, I was like. I was quite cool in school. You weren't invited. It's just, I think people were like,

oh, I love hanging out with you within the hours of 8 a.m. and 3. So when that was 2. But on the weekend, you do your thing and we'll do our thing collectively. Oh, darling. And what was your thing? I would watch the breakfast club and then I would restart it and watch it again.

Me too. Because one watch is you feel like, yeah, I've seen a lot of it, but two watches, you've really seen it all. I did the same with Dirty Dancing. I did the same with Pretty and Pink. Oh, pretty and pink. What, oh my God. Why couldn't like,

Sort of frumpy redheads being when we were in. But I don't think that Molly Ringwald wasn't frumpy. No, she was of her time. And the 80s, she looked amazing. But I think people would have perceived her. Or was she frumpy and you were both like, I see a lot of myself and her and she's the coolest girl at school. I saw a lot of myself as Ali Sheedy in the breakfast club

when she put the dandruff on the picture. I need to watch the breakfast club. It's great. You haven't seen it? Like once years ago, but I don't remember it. It's the one where they end and they go like, we'll all be friends on Monday, right? Yes, that's exactly it.

But all of... Yeah, to be fair, that that's... But also, if that's the climax of the film, that does sound like a bad film. No, it was a very good film. Did you have Dandruff at school? Yeah, big time. I literally just watched this...

I've got on this algorithm of hairdressing videos, so I've just got out of the Knits one, which I probably won't now have said that. Oh, I'll relate. But they're removing... Yeah, Catherine never had Nits. Don't get me tired. I never had Nits.

She's just lying. No, I didn't. She's just lying to herself. But there's Dandruff removal. ones but they still do it with a knit comb and it is so satisfying I did not have knits I don't know why you can't accept this fact

I think that your stance on nits is my stance on thrush and my stance on thrush is I've either never had it or I've always had it and I think maybe that's where you are with nits you've always had them no no I'm going to need a minute

you've come from it right let's do it on a scale of 1 to 10 after 6 How quickly do you shower? Gosh, okay. Hang on, on a scale of 1 to 10. Yeah, how quickly do you shower?

10 being, you're already in the shower. Is he still climax in? I like that you said, is he still climaxing? I'm not climaxing from that. No, no, no, no. We're in the shower. No, there's too much going on in the shower to enjoy sex in the shower, I think.

So it's a hard no for me on that one. I guess I'm a six. I'm a gentleman six. Okay, so then you've had thrush. There's no way about it. it. In which case I've always had it. What color is it?

It's what? Vagina! What colour is my vagina? Vagina hole! Catherine, I'll be honest, this isn't exactly the conversation that we'd be having. No, I didn't either.

Oh no, let's talk about pretty and pink. Is it pink? And it's pretty. It's both. I think, right. Can you see how damaging it is for feminism? How damaging it is if you don't believe in thrush? I believe in thrush.

I absolutely, listen, not only do I believe in thrush, But I think, hell yeah, thrush. And anyone that has it, and anyone that doesn't, in my mind, fine. I just don't think I've had it. Sorry if that makes me like perfect. Sorry if that makes me so desirable to men out there. Wow, it seems like maybe she's perfect and desirable. And also, I cannot believe I'm in a room with two liars.

But, oh, Helen, maybe I've always had it. Maybe my normal. No, because there's no way that your four-year-old taint was itchy. as fuck. Like, is there not? I had worms a lot as a kid. You had worms. Yes!

Yes! Your bones are so gross. Worms are common. It's fine. It's fine. Can we normalize worms? Can we please? Okay, I just realized that.

They were my friends. Of course. They're so close to you, man. What kind of worms are you talking about? Anus worms. Not like garden variety. The ones we spoke about the other week when you wore on the ground with the bare foot and stuff like that and you can get wormies and then the worms come out and you poo and their little white

silver things. If you're embracing the countryside as a child, you're getting worms, hon. I'm not joking. Worms have not come up a conversation for me for like a decade and then three times in the last two months. It's been incredible. And I haven't been forcing it. That was natural. No, I wanted to talk about worms. I got a question for you actually, Catherine. What would you rather if you had to have one, knits or worms? Foof, God, that's crazy. Yeah? Really. Because worms is, worm is. Wrong answer, baby. Why?

Worms, you just shit him out. Worms get out of there quickly. Worms don't want to be there. Nits want to be there. And worms just get flushed down the toilet. They're gone. But I could have the worms inside me for seven weeks the way I should. Okay, fair.

No, listen, a good point, well made. I would be a worm. The worms would be me and I them. Yeah. It's just the wheel of worms. You could do that outfit that Heidi Klum did for Halloween. I would be the outfit. I would become the outfit.

That would be amazing for you. But I did while you guys were talking about Thrus, I did think that. I could call my vagina Molly Ringwald. Pretty and pink. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Cute, cute.

That's cute. All right. Don't worry about it. No, no. No, I think that's really good. You feel like you cared. That's all right. Hey, hey.

I'm still really upset about the thrush thing. I think I'm feeling the energy of Helen being upset about the thrush thing, which is why I couldn't appreciate the name of your vagina being Molly Ringwold. Thank you. But now that I'm thinking about it more, I think it's a great name. Thank you. Does it get itchy though? My vagina?

Yeah. Can you sit still? Hang on. All the time. Do you meditate? No. If you can't meditate, I think you must have thrush. Okay.

Or I haven't tried to meditate. Okay, that could be a... But maybe I haven't tried because I know subconsciously the thrash will get in the way of it. How about even at the beginning or end of a period? Is it like just... I don't get periods. Okay. You know what, Catherine?

I would really like us to continue with this conversation, but I'm going to need to elect out of it for a little bit, okay? Are you getting angry? Yeah, no, no, no, I'm chill. I'm just sort of like, I'm trying to think... Sorry she gets rage fits. No, no, no, no. I'm genuinely zen. Congratulations on your no thrush and...

congratulations on your no nits and no worms it's just as someone who is trying sorry to represent women's bodies yeah helen have we brought in a way that everything is pouring out of me at all times okay there is come in my pants right now helen because i woke up i went toilet yeah i had a shower i watched two episodes of girls five ever that'll do it Charlie, can I apologize? I came here. And I came here and somehow during that journey, I came. And it wasn't about...

You came. It wasn't about T-Bats. But there was something moist in my pants all the time. Do you ever just look at your knickers at the end of the day and you go like, why is it slimy? Yeah, but is that, that's not come, babe. I don't know what it is. But you know that... Hang on.

The sensation of coming... I am familiar with this. I have masturbated. So you know that it's... Masturbates like four to five times. a day. Well, could you have just masturbated at some point? And not wipe teed. Yeah. Yeah.

Rather than just a surprise come that didn't feel like you came. But it still feels like a surprise come. Okay, well, maybe that's a good thing. And I would just like to represent all women who have wet pants. Helen, can I just explain to Charlie what's happening, which is essentially, I'm so sorry. I think you are our first like full-time

professional actor in the studio and what is happening is Helen feels threatened. No, you mustn't. And she's over I think playing her hand today. because she's feeling like a little intimidated. I think you heard me saying that I think I've never had Thrush and you took that to mean that that's a good thing. Whereas what I think's going to happen is when Thrush gets me

and it will, honey, it'll be a train wreck. And I want to be there. Well, I will call you. Can you actually, because I just watched the new season of Big Mouth and there's an episode when... No, spoilers. Angers her vagina. Okay.

Is that a spoiler? I feel like I had to finish a sentence. No, that's... That sounds like something that might happen in any episode. Yeah, I haven't watched the most recent series. Okay, so Jesse Angers her vagina and the vagina gets angry and takes on a different personality. And that's what's going to happen to yours. And when that happens, I'm going to be fucking cackling.

What you can't hear is that Helen's finger is very close to Charlie's face. Almost straight in the eye. Yeah. I don't know it. I don't think it's the actor thing. I don't think it's that. I think I'm just having like a moment. Helen, what I will say about Charlie while you're feeling threatened about her is that her and Ellen have a really beautiful friendship.

and they do talk about that in their show but they also, it feels real and real life unlike ours when we just talk to each other on the podcast because they live together. I call you up all the time. You do, but I don't answer. But they live together. Can you imagine if we live together?

I want to live with you. I know you don't. I do. It would be a nightmare. It'd be so beautiful. How do you live with your best friend and still stay friends? This has been a really tough day for Little Ellen. I do feel like my being here

feels like has brought up something within this dynamic that should have stayed buried. Let's do a compliment circle. No, we can't do a compliment circle unless we include Charlie. Am I allowed in this, Helen? I worry. You have to. It's a compliment triangle. I think you're incredible at everything apart from itchy country.

Oh, thank you, Helen. That wasn't very specific. and yet so specific Okay, I'll go for Charlie I think it's really admirable that you're here and could have left Yeah, really beautiful stuff Thank you so much for being here, so nice

Also she says, truly says noodles better than anybody I've ever heard Neodils One more time Neur dolls Isn't it the best How did that come up? You were eating?

I eat a lot of noodles and it was Ellen and I were just talking about noodles one day and then we just fell in love with saying neonals because it feels like it represents the needle better than the word noodle It's incredible Charlie saved as noodles in my phone because whenever I'm sad or just ask her to she'll say it

Maybe that's what we need then like a fun word You need it, it's a safe word essentially I don't think we need a safe word A safe word that's good yeah we need a safe word I think my point is that I think it's obvious that they can live together and I don't my question to Charlie remains How do you live with your best friend and stay friends? Ellen and I have been best friends for 15 years now.

So I think we've seen every shade of each other at sort of every like pre and post-puberty. Which is a lot. That's a lot of shades. And also we spent five years apart when I was living in America. And then when we lived together because when I had my brain shimmer she lived. came to look for me, which is why I don't get periods,

if that makes you feel any better about that. I know, and that's, and that, and that is why I said it. I've been holding that, that ace up my sleeve. Why does this always happen to me? Whenever someone doesn't get periods, I'm like, oh my God,

I'm like, because I had a brain tumour. As soon as you fell into that trap. Five times a week. I saw you inching towards the trap and I set it. And I thought, here we go, here we go, who we go. I have seen you use your brain tumour as that particular car conversation.

I have a sprained ankle. Too many times, Charlie Glyve. I know. No, it's getting old now. It's getting old now. But it still works. And until it doesn't, I'm using it. I get it.

But she lived with me through that. And then we just, it just sort of, I then moved back to England and would stay with her when I had nowhere to be, when I had nowhere to stay in London. And then we did live separately for a while. And then it just made sense after the pandemic to find somewhere together. Actually, we lived together before the pandemic as well. So that's a lie.

But it just made. made sense and then um it it works but it's but we definitely still fight and we definitely still a passive aggressive with each other about like that's the best thing about close friends so I live with my best friend from when I was four so like yeah like 20 something 26 year is Emma Black yeah and like we would fight like sisters like properly yeah that's what it is like say insane stuff and then be like best mates again within an hour very good of fighting but you have to Emma's not great at fighting either I'd have to to be like, no, no, go on, like, tell me, what is it?

What's annoyed you? Like, let's just fight it out sort of thing. But then you can get it down. That's heaven to me. Yeah. Only because I think. I don't want it to be passive. I want us to just, yeah.

Clearly you're upset. Don't you worry you'll break your friendship? No, this is the crucial thing. Ellen and I do talk about this quite a lot. The thing with being in a friendship like ours is that there isn't really any way out of it because we work together. It's too late. That sounds like a trap, but it's not.

It's a joyful place to be. Yeah. And it's not Stockholm syndrome, but because we work together and we choose that work, we love that work, I think it's sort of the, of all of the work that we do, I do think that's the one that is sort of the driving force. And also, I at this point, really can't imagine my life without her in any capacity. And so there's, if we fight, we know that it's not going to, there's no way it can end the friendship. Whereas if you're in a relationship, and I don't mean this in a pointed way. This whole thing is pointed.

It's like, we should be able to fight is what you're saying, and now you're going to go and comment on this. And also if you fight with a partner you might have, who also is somebody that I live with, that that's fine. But we know that we're not going to break up. Whereas I think, yeah, when you're in like a new relationship, that's obviously like it could lead to that.

Totally. And often if you're fighting and you're in a relationship, like maybe you won't have like your sex life, might change or like the way that you interact with each other is different like romantically whereas that doesn't happen in a platonic friendship so we don't worry about like the intimacy and that sort of thing we don't worry that we're not going to be like sexually attractive to each other because that's that's that's that's sort of the goal okay you're gonna put each other off you're gonna do it like

best friend you are gonna piss each other off totally because you know too much about each other as well so there's too much they're making like repeated like anything and you're just sort of like yeah we know so much about each other but then you can do anything and it's still going to be like love at the end. And also there's that thing of like, you sometimes will take the other person for granted because you know that they're going to forgive you.

I do that. I'm the worst of that. I think Ellen and I sort of take it in turns to be the crapper one, but I definitely, my spells of being dog shit are longer than hers. Interesting. I would say. I mean,

I would say in terms of my best friendships with Georgia or with you, I feel like it's my job to exclusively compliment and never point out your flaws. doesn't that isn't that exhausting no I love it I want them to know that there's a there a fight that you need to have with me that you haven't had

no I want to Helen to know somebody amazing I want to I'm ready I'm ready no I can mediate I want Helen to know that somebody thinks she's the business every single day of the week when

oh that was really nice but I do that was really sweet I think my job especially with you I feel like my job is to believe in you when you don't believe in you when I was late this morning

when I was late this morning yeah but you're always late that's okay that's okay you're quirky but is that passive or is that that's funny that's like a telegraph reporter

about a female stander she's a quirky little thing she's crazy come on hey Andrew do you have a listener problem for us to solve I do indeed I think so you come back on and we can do like a friendship seminar

because I feel like I didn't realise this but clearly we have some problems yeah I think I feel like we do communicate outside of the podcast, but I'm worried now that you feel ignored. No, no, no, not at all. So I will be getting in the bath with you.

No, I don't want to. And I will say this. I don't want that. I think part of that has come from you almost exclusively for a couple of months over the summer, calling me from the bath. And I said a couple of times, how about call me when I can't hear you washing? Right.

Okay. Well, I would say, Helen, how about making our calls calm enough? that I don't need to call you from a place of Zen. Okay. So that's on both of us. Okay. Is there a chance, Helen, that you could think about it as Catherine feels so comfortable with me

that she can call me in the bath when she's vulnerable. That's nice. And maybe Catherine, there's a part of you that thinks I'm in a Zen place. This could be time for just me, but I want to talk to my friend, Helen. Yeah, I don't really like time for me. That's really nice, actually. That is nice. You call me from the bath because you want to spend time with your friend, Ellen?

That's exactly it. I love you. I love you too. I do think that if you want to see a, I do think that if you want to see a show about friendship and queerness and good allyship, then you should go see Brittany at the Soho Theater. And come say hello to me.

Oh yeah. And stay for Helen. And stay for Helen. So it's the absolute bitch fight of me versus Ellen at the end of it. Helen versus Ellen. But also do genuinely tell Charlie Clive how hot she is at the end because it turns out she needs to hear it. But only if you mean it.

Oh, they will. They'll mean it. I know, I know. There's a lot of lesbians. Look at what you are. Look at these. And also look at Charterclyne. She's like the ultimate queer bader. Oh my God.

What do we ask for? Catherine, did you ask me yesterday when you accidentally touched my throat? Oh my God. It was an accident. Wait, do you grab someone's tit? It was an accident. I grazed her tit and I didn't mean to. What's a graze?

That? Oh my God. What's a graze? Oh my God. You just pinched my nipple. You want to go with that? Thank you. I just laid it

For those that aren't watching I just laid it just so softly on the top bit A gentle hand Oh actually speaking of Before we get the problem Do you want to ask Charlie Clive For consent to do your magic trick Can I please touch your breast

And tie you your brass eyes Yeah Because I don't know it It's her secret answer She can do it She'll really get in there Sorry I think

She's gonna go around the back That's a bit of fun This is really fun Well you've hidden them But you're not wearing a wire either No You're not playing around with anything No, no, never.

That is a lovely. Wow. You know what? Actually, you're cusping CD, but that's a 32 cuspic, but I'm going to say D. You could wear a day. Whoa, that's crazy. But you've underestimated the size of my back. No, I haven't.

You're wearing a 34, but you need to be a 32. Oh, my God. I'm telling you, you'll be able to get more than four fingers between your back and your strap, so it's too big. Yeah. Oh, this is insane. You're welcome. That was remarkable. you very much

wow I feel like a hundred dollars not a million but still like a good chunk of change yes

thank you Helen you're welcome lovely big breasts thank you really nice she's hiding it under all that Annie Hall coolness

but she's got yeah yeah she's under Annie Hall cool really appreciate that yeah damn girl all right let's go

let's go lovely stuff um okay gay man response if ever I've heard

one lovely stuff I think I think Charlie's going to be a very good problem because she's already solved

your problem thank you well she created the problem first but yeah yeah yeah

gotta get those fix now or this is a problem from Elle hi Elle Elle says

I love you I love all you guys I'm a girl who loves girls and I'm 33 love that I have so many

problems it's been hard finding the one to ask you about but I've decided use the one about my girlfriend, so at least it can be her problem if you don't resolve it.

Break up with her! Oh, Helen! She's the problem first. I love being loved and love loving, but I have somehow found myself in a five-year relationship with someone who finds affection difficult. We're talking physical and emotional affection, and I feel so grossly desperate. It's making me crazy. Is it too much to ask for my partner if she finds it so excruciating, or is it all a big

sign that I'm clearly not pushing her buttons? Or am I being toxic in asking it from her? or is she not being communicative with me? What do I do? What's happening? Please help. Oh, Elvis reminds me a lot of Thomas and Adrian from this series of Married at First Site, UK.

I'll say that for nothing, okay. Thomas wanted intimacy, physical touch. Adrian couldn't give it. Okay. That's what I'll say on it. Break up with a... What? No, what?

It's not working out, is it? Ellen, you can do better than that. Okay. I don't know. Like, is someone genuinely, like, doesn't enjoy emotional intimacy or physical intimacy and you really crave that in the relationship. You can compromise it but then one of you

is going to be comfortable, one of these unhappy. Like, you either need to create a different love language that works for the two of you that both fulfills that void or you just need to be like, look, you need to be fucking hands down my pantsing and telling me your feelings by your childhood three nights a week. Not at the same time.

No, I would agree. That feels like bad advice. I think let them rip the Band-Aid off and do both at the same time. and be like, right, it's emotional and physical intimacy hour. Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, Sunday afternoons. I'd put that out there. That'd be my schedule.

And I'd say touchy, touchy and like, my dad's never hooked me. Maybe that ruins the spontaneity in the idea of intimacy. And also maybe that ruins the whole relationship. Well, maybe you don't know how like I know out. I think I don't. I think that might be true. Do you have any thoughts? It's starting that might not involve talking about whether or not your father touched you as you touch your sexual partner.

Yeah, I do have some thoughts that don't include that. Emotional interview, though, that is both intimacies. That is ticking both. It is very efficient, yes. Thank you. No, when you could say it wasn't efficient, Charlie, please. Well, it sounds like a very big issue, but I don't think that's like, L, I would say that's not your issue.

It sounds like it's probably more your partner's issue than yours, and maybe your partner's struggling with something that isn't to do with you and doesn't have a very good way of communicating that. but definitely you should never feel responsible for somebody else's happiness and I think happy people are probably like more inclined to be affectionate and if your partner's struggling with something

maybe that maybe handle that issue before turning it inward and thinking you're the problem whoa should I say something funny or that was really good that was very similar advice from the two of them I just sort of rephrase what you were saying I think it's quite manipulative actually

yeah yeah I thought that was really profound because I it really made me realize that what I was about to do was exactly what you shouldn't do. What were you going to do? I guess I do rush to make myself responsible for other people's happiness and I'm quite like

solutions based without thinking about whose problem it is before I will rush to be like well okay here are the following things you could try instead of being like who should be trying who should be that's in really interesting point Charlie Clive my god but also I guess

I guess I do think there's another thing to say which is that like some people love in different ways that don't mean either of you are purposely failing the other but that you are incompatible

I'm not saying that's the case here but like I've definitely contorted for partners trying desperately to be like is this right will this do are you happy now will that and

to the point of not really recognizing myself anymore and then feeling like I'd fail to them when actually, and like they'd failed me, when they were doing the same level of people. We were speaking different languages though, yeah. And in truth, yeah, that's the thing. Nobody did anything wrong.

We just weren't meant for each other. But I also think five years in, you obviously want to give it like the old college try before you quit. And so I do think there's some things to be done. So what do you think of the Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday? So I do think that's a terrible idea. But I do think

maybe Elle's partner needs to be open to therapy, question marks. Do you think they're in therapy already oh that's a good point yeah because maybe they need to figure it out for themselves and that she can't be their counselor yeah um because you that thing when you get really drunk and you get like a bit too vulnerable in conversation you know when you yeah you could do that wait to like four in the morning and then you're like so I've got a really tricky relationship with my mom oh okay yeah yeah and I say this as a person who's recently got and then fist because then everything's covered and that's not oh and fist you said yeah

Fist. Fisting. Helen, have you ever been fisted? Never know. So why are you recommending it? Someone should be, I think Helen's saying, if not me, who and it should be a... If not now.

It's like the same mind. It's frightening. It's frightening. Okay, my other thought was that as a person who's recently been getting very drunk with a new person, I don't know that at 4 a.m. very drunk, good conversations happen, actually.

I think beyond two, people should probably be asleep. I don't know that people do their best not their best but they do it but it gets done yeah honestly I'd rather get wasted and chat with a stranger at 5am because I think I have more revelations during that than I do during like paid therapy session sometimes so you're saying Elle's partner should get drunk with a stranger

and talk about their trauma no with Elle oh with Elle okay you think they're basically strangers to each other yikes but no no just for the emotional intimacy for the emotional intimacy what I would say is probably go back rewind, listen to Charlie Clive's advice and then maybe just ignore Helen and I. I don't think we're very good at this. I think we crushed it.

You think you crushed it? I think you could do one week of each. Maybe one week of Helen's advice, one week of Catherine's advice, one week of Charlie's advice. I would try Charlie's at the end. I think it's the best one. Save the best of last thing.

When you've absolutely ruined yourselves with the three nights a week fisting. Absolutely. Emotionally ruined and like bumhole just hanging out on the ground. Do you not fist up in the house? No, you fisting out of the vagina. In a lesbian.

you can do either but I'd say if you're starting entry level with a person who doesn't like intimacy I don't think you start at the bottle I don't think that it's like the L's partner is like it I think if they're struggling with intimacy I don't think like lead

with fisting that leads to your ass falling out If you guys did a bum hole when they had worms you just came up with a fistful of worms like Maybe that's how you get rid of them quickly That's how you get rid of them so far Could be, could be You're both profoundly just I hear both disgusting

Thank you so much for listening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for Charlie Clive. Wait a second. Charlie Clive, where can we see your show and how do we book it? Ellen and I, who are Brittany, are doing our show Friends and Nothing More at the Soho Theatre from the 12th of December to the 22nd of December and tickets are now on sale.

Please come and see you. And they can get them on the Soho Theatre website. Can they also get them in your bio on Twitter? Yes. Soho Theatre website, bio on Twitter, bio on Instagram. What's your handle? Okay, great question. So our Twitter is at Brittany Comedy,

and Ellen is too cool for Instagram, so it's just me and I'm at Charlie Clive. Great. So, and there's just bios are plenty, so. It's great. So if anybody was just listening to this episode because they want to know what the person I'm dating looks like, sorry, she's not on Instagram,

you're going to have to go to the show at Soho Theater. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. Sorry that you're going to have to go. Sorry. And which room are you in in Soho Theater? We are upstairs.

Gorgeous. What a rim for comedy. So good. Oh my gosh, Charlie Clive. What a wonderful guest. Everybody, give a round of applause for Charlie Clare. Thank you, Charlie Clive. Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Charlie Clive. Are you patting yourself on the back? Yeah, I'm booking my ticket now. Oh, well done. Thank you. Thank you much to our executive producers, Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Mary Fox, Annie Tonnes, Sarah Hakey Deakin, and Oliver Jago. What's up, guys?

And to our amazing producer. He says, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton. I really feel that spit in my mouth. Karen and David Bull, Howard Van Dyke, Eddie Doyle, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel, Anthony Conway. It's like it's in the pipe at the top of it. Just read the name. Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah, Molly, Hurtie, Helen, Alex Pughy, Josie W, Amy, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Rachel, Paige, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Sophie, Shivers, Graham Marsh, Emily G, and Amy O'Reardon, Abby Woff.

I will say this. I would like another patron called Cordelia. I really like that. More Cordelia's than that. More Cordelia's would be incredible. Thank you all so much. Oh, and a Cleopatra. That's a fun one, isn't it?

If you're out there and you're called Cleopatra, please join us as a patron. Thank you. At Arizona State University, we're bringing world-class education for from our globally acclaimed faculty to you. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university online. That's a degree better. Learn more at asuonline.asu.asu.edu.