Trusty Hogs - Ep60. PHIL WANG / Monkeys, McDonald's & Marathon Man

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

Comedy superstar Phil Wang joins the Hogs this week, as Alison Spittle steps in for the sadly absent Catherine Bohart. We talk takeaways, Gibraltan monkey attacks, and Phil's new book Sidesplitter, as well as solving listener problems as always! Phil is an amazing comic who has done so much including starring on David Letterman, making his own Netflix special, competing in Taskmaster, and producing his own hit podcast BudPod with Pierre Novellie.FOLLOW PHIL: @WangPixFOLLOW ALISON: @AlisonSpittleThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Should we start recording? It's recording. This is the thing. Welcome to Trusty Homes. Catherine's not here. This is going to be tricky. Through the fog. Step for the trusty hogs.

Yeah. You're going to give them your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't. And that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not Did you not like it, the hot chocolate?

No, it's not, it's just because I took a femme necks with the hot chocolate. What's the femme necks? I'm going to put that mic close to you. It's a special tablet for when people are on their special time. Oh, like a cunt tablet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, for the period? Yes, yes.

Wait, I never have those. I just have like paracetam or ibuprofen. I mean, that's what it is. It's just in the pink box. But I'm just in the pink box. Pink box. And it's got like caffeine in it too. So, you know, I wanted to be like performance peak ready.

No, but I need you to be Catherine today. Okay. Because last time, right. Okay. Let's just say this. Catherine by heart's not feeling well. Yeah. She needs a break.

Right. Okay. I'm not going to take it personally. No, no. No. She needs a break from me. She just needs a break in general. Allison is stepping in very kindly again.

Now, last time you did this, I said at the beginning of the show to you, B, Catherine, you're the one that has to shut down stuff, keep things moving, get a professional. Yeah. And then at the end of the show, I'd semi-pissed myself. Did you? Semi-pissed myself. You had nearly vomited. I did, yes.

For about 45 minutes. Yes. I think they're kind of edging. I believe that. It was fucking horrendous. Yeah. But I am willing. to give you a second chance.

This is my second chance. So do I have to go like, no? Yeah, well, like encouraging, but also like allow conversations. What was it? You were just saying, Andrew, about reaching a natural end? Yeah, like, because when we get to the end of this chat, I'm going to raise my hand and then we can naturally bring it to a close. Yeah.

But if I raise my hand, Helen will be like, okay, that's the end now. And then whatever's happening would, yeah. I get, yeah. Okay, I can do that. Okay, so topic number one, me and Alison are having hot chokies. Is that good? Yeah. But it's a good one.

It's a praline cookie hot chocolate from Starbucks because that's the coffee shop that's closest to here. Yes. And you said last night to me that you have always been disappointed by hot chocolate. Yes. Which feels mad to me in this day and age. Why to have high expectations? Well, there was bad cocoa back in the day

and I know this because I went to Cabri's world when I was like, me too! Oh my God! So I went when I was like, A, and they had like a Mayan room where they did original hot chocolate which was just really bitter cocoa and it did not taste good

and I remember thinking like that's mad that they enjoyed that and that was their treat because I wouldn't have done well in that society. Well like, you know, they died at very young ages. No. They went to public hangings as like, you know, a treat. Haven't we all?

So I believe that's what they call Twitter nowadays. but literally been cancelled. But they had bad hot jockey. But hot chucky in the last, I'd say even in the last five years, has been, Don, are you serious? Helen, I went to see, I went to see, I went to see you performing so old. Thank you. And I had a great nightfall.

Thank you. Top it all off, right? I did. You look so, you know what I feel sarcastic. You look so backful. No, you were like. Only because I had a really bad cold in my last show with the tour. And I feel like half the show I was like making those facial expressions

when you're trying not to sneeze. And I was like, oh, I thought that was anger. Oh, really? Yeah, I was very violent with the audience, no fairness. You showed us like your, you're, I saw the front of your, um, chub-robed shorts had a massive hole in him. I stand by that being a good choice. Basically stripped myself in the so-home main space.

Because you lent me, I still have him, the chub-robed shorts. in Ireland. You're welcome. They're important to own. I just couldn't believe that you didn't have chub-rub shorts. I know as a fat girl who wears skirts off and I don't... Honestly, as a fat girl, it was disgusting. But as any woman in this day and age, I think it was insane. But as a fat woman, there are certain things that we do have to own, just in general.

Maybe I create my own lubricant. You don't know. Yeah, which then will ruin your skin. You have to be so careful as fat women walking around. Okay, everything is a danger. Do you have any idea how tight the tube seats are for me at the moment? Oh, they're tight. Oh, no, no, I feel it.

Have they got smaller? No, we've got bigger. We have got bigger. It's like, I was on a horrible journey here today. Tell me what happened, baby girl. So, I'm on my period. Get over it. It adds admin to your whole day.

And I just didn't have time for breakfast. so then I went to a shop and I got a packet of knick-knacks the hot and the hot and spicy flavour. I think it's nice and spicy but that's... Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. Maybe it's cool different in Ireland. I nearly went for Scampi but I was like, it's morning

time. Don't do that to... Yeah, yeah. Scampi's mental, yeah. But like, but it makes you feel alive. And then I got some like hummus chips because I thought they'd be a healthy alternative. It's a terrible choice. Open that up on the chip. I thought that's a more acceptable snack to eat.

on the tube is like the hummus crisps rather than the nice and spicy. Really? I think you're thinking you're being judged. I do. I think you look I look if I saw a woman eating nice and spicy in the morning I would be like she's not making

good life choices. Really? What if it's like a hummussy if it's a healthy crisp I'd be like this woman's been caught short she obviously you know she's actually I'd have more respect for her I'd be like she's so busy she has to have her hummus chip

on the wrong. But at least she's trying. But if you see somebody nice and spicy in the morning, you'd be like what the, where is she going? I know what you mean, but the only time I've ever heard of someone actually being told off on the tube for eating something was my friend for an orange. No, by who? Which feels

mad. By who? But like a Clementine, some old woman. That's the nicest smell and who you have. That's what I thought. It's so... How is that offending anyone? That sounds like I'd like to have the smell of the tube and an orange, it's like a Joe Malone candle almost. get that, you know, public transport.

Orange, mimosa and cardamond, Joe Malone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we did, so, so, um, I put my bag behind my head to make room to let people sit in because I've got quite a big Austin takes out. You got a lot of stuff with you, yeah. You know, so I'm just, I'm making myself small and I'm almost like an IKEA pack where I'm just packing on top of myself. Preach. With that at the back.

I get up to get out of Voxhole and, uh, my bag flies on the floor, just almost chips everywhere, just everywhere like confetti at a wedding. I don't have to And this is a busy station. I don't have the time to even attempt. You know what I mean? To clean it up? I was like, sorry, guys, this is my stop and I walked off. Then above this to Andrew, and I'm

going, man, you wouldn't guess what happened to me and I am gesturing wildly. And my little finger goes straight for a woman's face. No! And she's like, she goes... How does your finger get in her face? I don't know, but I still have like her skin flake under my

finger now. So if she dies If she dies, that's the goal I'm going to find? No, no, no. I'm going to be, like, I'm just going to say I didn't murder anyone. Just, you know. How was that a defence? I didn't murder anyone. Like, I guess.

I feel like, look, if she got murdered like today, in the next 36 hours, they're going to be like, there was obviously some sort of like... There's a scratch. Yeah, there was some sort of confrontation between the two. There's a scratch on her face and what have I got here? Her skin flakes

and I don't know how to dispose of it I mean. Oh my god I'm Catherine Yeah Clean it No no I know this There's um I don't have one with my houseman has one like a nail brush Yeah

And you do that I just sort of like picking it with my teeth But like you can do Yeah I wouldn't with another person's skinflake mine Oh yes Oh yeah you don't have someone else's skinflake Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you get a brush I think by the minute like Flying Tiger or whatever

I'll get him, I'll get him, but I'll leave it there until... Andrew, can we get Alison a removing skin nailbrush? Are we kind of turning this podcast into Oprah? It's like giving out gift-seller. Gift-seller. Yeah, I like that. You got to remove the skinflake. You got to remove the skinflake.

I'll go on Amazon now. Yay. Or other providers. Oh, yeah. I know. Okay. All right. Trussie hugs is really in favour of unions.

Shut up. Oh, God. If there was a local coffee shop I know But this hot chocolate To go back to it The praline There's cookie dust on this I think

It's cookie, yeah It's giving me skinflake Do you know what I mean? Like I'm drinking this And I'm like, what is in it? You know what I mean? There's textures that don't belong I feel

Can I speak my truth? Sorry, can I May I speak? May I? I personally feel like you've decided, we're always talking in the feeling, that you had pre-decided

that hot chocolate isn't good. And you are looking to be the victim in the situation. Helen, can I be frank with you? Yeah. This is not going to convince me otherwise. This is like... Okay, so you know what? You've lost the privilege.

No, no, no, no. You've actually lost the privilege. You're on your period. I genuinely thought a praline hot chocolate. chocolate with cookie bits in it might have been a great shout but you have been aggressive bratti and and hard to be around now hot chocolate if you don't want bits in it yeah come to mine i'll make you a velveter because i will not live in a world where a lovely person like you does not believe that hot chocolate is good do you think that's the best hot chocolate it's not that

i didn't say it was the best hot chocolate going but i wouldn't say it's disappointing well right but What are my expectations? I'm giving it back to you because I feel bad because you are bleeding heavily. It's creamy. It's warm. It's very chocolatey. Yes, you have ruined it now because of the skinflake story. And I am going to find it hard to drink this.

But in general, I do think we should salute the advances in hot chocolate over the last five years. I remember, I remember, sorry, may I speak again? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember being 15 and being a receptionist and the cafe that was in the same building as us, I used to go behind there and like hang out with. the girls. The whole chocolate there, we thought it was good. It was hot water and powder. But that's why I got from McDonald's

after I went to... Because you got fucked over! It told me deluxe. It showed, on the computer, it showed like a creamy top on it. It looked like dishwater. It was a disgrace. McDonald's has gone downhill recently. I went yesterday with Senil Patel Eddie Hare, Nick Heller, Nick Ellery

came, but we'd already ordered and our car parking was running out. What did Nick do? What? Nick had to get in the car. Go back to me in the Neil's flat and then order take away to this. In what I can't describe as a real dick move on behalf of all of us.

I was like, we could order McDonald's, but the car parking was running out. Oh my, no, no, no. And it was very stressful. You made the right choice, right? I think fuck him, fuck him. And I went for a classic order of medium fries, diet Coke,

quarter pound of a cheese and a mayo chicken to eat while I'm waiting to get home to have the meal. So like, it's a sandwich, but it's a starter. Yes, I get you. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, um, I'm a, um, I'm a happy meal girl. No, you're not.

Is that because you can choose book or toy in this day and age because kids are supposed to be learning? It's chicken nugget, happy meal, right? Okay. With, uh, you pay extra sugar, get the strawberry milkshake, small one, like a dessert. And then, uh, double, double, double cheeseburger. And I've called that a poor man's tap. Wait, wait, wait.

It's a poor man's tapus. But in the happy meal is the nugget. And then you go double cheeseburger on the side of the happy meal. All under a fiver. You can get an apple pie. It'll tip it over the fiver now. But, I mean, that's a full feast. But what's the benefit of having a happy meal?

Because I'll say this. Yeah. The package of chips is so tiny. You can't put any sauce on it. It's got no sort of weight to it. The chicken nuggets you're receiving, I'm assuming four here. Yeah. That's insane.

Four nuggets for a grown-up. But I'm having it with a burger. This happy meal is a side. The happy meal is aside to the actual meal. actual veal, yeah. I don't know. I respect, look, I respect people who go into McDonald's

and order something different every time. Like, I do, are people who will always go for whatever the signature burger is at the time. Oh, no. No. Are you serious, Andrew? Yeah, I know. I think that's, they're falling in for all the marketing employees. No, it shows an exploration of the mind.

If you want to explore Paris, France, right? Yeah. You don't have to get the McFrench. You can get on the Eurostar. Get yourself a life. What the fuck are you talking about? I thought the metaphor was going to be like if you go to Paris, you shouldn't go to the Eiffel Tower every single time.

I go to McDonald's though in every country that I go. Well, just to see if you can taste a different. Yeah. And can you? No. Spain was great. Why? Oh, beer.

No, no. They had a thing called a, what was it called? Like, it was a Mick Extreme. All right? And it had like, it had like cheesy mozzarella sticks. with two patties and then this like buffalo sauce Oh that's good

It was quite good I was like Because it's just outside Gibraltar this McDonald's and I was attacked by monkeys I've been to Gibraltar It's fucking awful isn't it Did they actually go for you

They've got the early learning centre There I love the early learning centre If anyone who's listening abroad Early Learning Centre is like a toy shop But for kids who can't read And it is incredible I used to love it

When I was a kid, because I didn't have my little sister until I was six. So I was an only child for, like, quite a long time. Six years. Yeah. Yeah. And those were the best years. I got early learning center shit. I got like a Sylvania families.

Also, my dad was like constantly working back then. Yeah. I really got the best child. Sylvania families. Yeah. Pretty shit second half, but great first half. That's such a good star. Yeah, it's like the prince of the pauper.

Can you tell me about your trip to Gibraltar? Because I have had, I've been. one monkey attack in my life was it in Gibraltar? No so I got a video well but I was uncomfortable with the monkeys in Gibraltar but I was not attacked such gaping assholes in

right they're not attractive no okay and I'm not saying a monkey is something that I should want to fuck but like at least a bit of excitement around it because my understanding of monkeys from childhood is Abu from Aladdin

did you want to fuck Abu Abu as well as the monkeys that were like in Malaysia when I was little that were like but we respect to them you keep you distance okay you know what I mean especially if you're sexually attracted to sex very actually like I'm not that fuss for my appearance but I cover my asshole in public fair yeah yeah no no no gaping if anything it's like fucking tie yeah so what happened to you when you were attacked so I got I got free crisps on the way to on the flight over to Gibraltar

life was good my boyfriend didn't eat his crisps on the plane he popped him in my bag because I hate that like I have a bag and he puts everything and I was changing

from sunglasses to glasses mode on the rock of Gibraltar because I wanted to see the monkeys better You opened your bag open my bag and the sunglasses out and this monkey just jumped on top of me pulled the crisps out of the bag

and open it up like a grenade and just started eating it all the tourists are looking at me a fat girl going oh like that number one I'm not like there's certain like do you feel like they they assume you've got like a chocolate

factory in your bag like oh she's got to have an absolute like there's going to be tasting pencils I genuinely think they assumed I couldn't control myself I'd seen money signs saying not to take out food and I was like no I'm sorry I have to

I have a compulsion I have a compulsion And I would rather get ripped apart by monkeys than not have ready salt of crissons inside me So You did a lot of jumps

During this one bag opening But I do get it I understand the jumps I was afraid And like this Tourist had filmed it And then she showed it to me And she let me film it

And it's been a horrific experience And then when I was in the McDonald's Eat my Muck Extreme Right We were able to eat after this attack I was self-soothing, right? I mean, you know, there's fight or flight?

Like, when trauma happens, I am eat. Like, that's what I have. You fucking do. I'm sorry, I don't comfort eating. I don't, I don't, I don't overeat. If anything, actually, Alison, can I surprise you? Yeah? I'm scared of food.

Oh, I'm scared. No, totally understandable. So, like, okay, God, you ate, I'm just, I'm surprised you ate an extreme only because, like, I thought there was going to be more to the monkey attack story because I was in a monkey attack. Where were you attacked? Which was like very serious.

Yeah? Actually. Where? I was in Hampi. Where to fucking? Southern India. Maybe Carol are or something. I don't know.

And me and my friend Sophia Ward were walking up. It wasn't even to the monkey temple, Hanaman Temple. It was like somewhere else. Yeah. And we stopped because we were like travel. and we were like, like, early 20s, like, teens, whatever. Wow. So, we, like, she was reading her book and, like, I was really journaling or something.

She was really reading, like, The Alchemist by Palakuello or something. Do you know what I mean? Like, just like, crazy, crazy out there stuff, crazy out there stuff. Right, la, la, la. Okay. This monkey arrives, this other monkey arrives. Yeah. Obviously, we realize there's, like, loads coming up behind us.

So we jump up from where we're sitting. Yes. We don't have food on us because, I don't know. I guess we're just sort edging ourselves to faint or something. that we probably did a food on us and we did have food on us actually but then the monkeys all surrounded us so we jumped up and they had our bags

but on the edge of like a cliff and they were standing there holding our bags and then I was like oh my God fuck what do we do and I was like oh Sophia go and get go and get someone go and get someone so she goes down the mountain a bit to try and find someone and I'm there doing all the classic tactics

like I don't condone this tactic but this is something that we were taught when we were younger in Malaysia which is like you sort of show a monkey a rock because then they sort of know because they had rocks thrown at them often in like pop-layed areas. So you'd show a rock because it usually frightens them away, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like showing rocks. And then one of them was going through the bag and got hold of my purse, which had my passport in it, like it was fucking mad. They'd ripped Sophia's book at this point, which I knew she was going to be devastated by. But they were like fucking psycho monkeys.

And then it probably was a minute, but it felt like 20 minutes of me being like, do I get this bag, but potentially get bitten. But like, monkeys have learned to negotiate with humans. I had no negotiating power apart from like, do you want to see a tit? Do you want to see another tip? Like they had all the stuff. All I had was a rock and just to be like, maybe a cunt shot would help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was so panic. I didn't even think about like, look, I'll let you suck my nipple for 10 minutes if you give me my passport back. What was the monkey getting out of that?

Well, the monkey would be like sucking in my nipple just having a big wank. I feel like when Catherine stop you at this point Would this be a point where Catherine would be like And that's all we have time for And then the other monkey will be wanking to the other monkey wanking And then they throw my passport over the edge anywhere And then just finish like Well they'd want to see you be sad

And then they could finally And then Sophia came back with What I can only say The most useless person to bring Which was a man who clearly was towards the end of his life some white Danish traveller who was like doing one last hurrah and she was helping him walk up the hill

and it's like this is really sweet but not going to help us at this moment but luckily the monkeys did just disperse on their own and I did get to keep my passport but that is a very severe monkey attack that is an incredible monkey attack yeah yours was just you getting crisps out because you couldn't resist

I know exactly what you mean by the way I remember as far as people looking at you and thinking I bet you can't stop eating. I remember, like, you know, when you're, like, in museums or one of those, like, guided tall places and they go, and don't get, and no food in here because we've got to be really careful with the art. I swear they always look at me.

If I'm the fast one in the group, they're always just like, and make sure you're not eating anything. It's like, you know what? Believe it or not, I can actually do without it? We're fine. It's like, you know, when I was eating my Mac Krispy, though, and I was having, like, in Spain, they have the fries that you could shake a bag

and make flavor with. It's real good. makes fries taste like Pringles. It's good shit. But I was there, like in my place, eating, enjoying myself. Yeah. And this woman came up to me with her daughter

and just pointed in her fingers into my face. I go, oh, look, there's crisp girl. And I was like, I have never felt so. Famous. Yeah. It just feel like I was famous. There's crisp girl. I'm crisp girl.

From the rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the rock, yeah. How did it feel? It felt like it. on trusty hugs. Andrew, did you put up your hand, by the way? I thought you did.

So was that a natural conclusion of the conversation? It was up until that moment. Up until when you called it a natural conclusion, I thought we could have rolled with it. Oh. I think we're... That felt unkind. Oh, no, Helen, I'm sorry.

Oh, poor Helen. That's like, keep raising a hot water bottle up to your tip. I'm just, like, sniffing my hour, but I'm like... Because I did shower today. Why are you saying that? a surprise. Actually, I did too. It was a real effort. You know what I mean?

I had a shower too. I was like, if we're going to be in a podcast studio. Yeah. Yeah. You got it. Number one rule of podcasting. At least wash your pits before you co-host the podcast. I respect that. What's your shower gel of choice at the moment? Oh, it is an original source.

It's a big liter bottle of original source tea oil and mint. You're mad. You're mad. You're mad. That's terrible for wintertime. No, I love it. The coldness and the skin. outside of the shower? A tingly asshole just makes me feel ready for the day.

Let's welcome on our guest today. It's Phil-Wang! Hello, if you like Trustee Hogs, why not join our Patreon? Listen, we have an extra episode every single week if you do, which is amazing. And you can listen to the backlog of them if you have just joined. You get all the 57 free ones that are already out. Additionally, we put up extra content, extra shows, extra live shows and lately

an entire episode of a solving listener problems called the Mailbag Special Edition 1 there's so many treats on there I think it's worth a five or if not more

Oh my God come on you fucking little piggy whores join us for five pounds a month you get everything and you can be our best friend I love how they're the horrors

but we're asking for their money confusing have a lovely day thank you bye hello we're doing a live Christmas show for Trusty Hogs. It's called Hog, Hog, Hog, ho, ho, ho, but hog, hog, hog, and you can drink egg hog. It's like eggnog, but with bacon in it.

Egg hog. Only at the Bill Murray Pub on December the 18th for Trustee Hogg's Life. Hog, hog, hog, hog. Bye. Bye. Go on. Yay! Hello, everybody.

Hello, hogs. Hello, hogs. Oink, going, going. It's lovely to be here. But could you actually oink for us? Like, Yeah! Oh yeah, sure, of course.

That's my natural sound. No, it's not. I laugh, when I laugh and I find something really really funny, I go, ha ha ha ha ha, and then I have to round it off of the . Well, as a choice or an accident? I think, I started off like as a playful little experiment and now I can't stop.

You laughed did. Your laugh started as like a, Having the little snort at the end. Finishing, rounding off my last of the snort. Now I can't stay. There is a level of psychotic where you pick your laugh and I feel that's what Phil is at. No, no, no, please. That is psychotic.

No, no, no, I know exactly the type of person you're talking about and I, I'm frightened of them as well. No, but you, but that's not me. That's not me. That's not me, I promise. But you chose to snort at the end. I just thought it felt nice. It kind of feels good. It kind of clears out the sinuses.

You can't choose... It's kind of refreshing. It's like a little palette cleanser between laughs. You're not blinking. You can't choose your cum face, but you can't, like, add bits to it. You can choose most things. I think I saw that on an Instagram post on. Did you?

There's a starry night background behind it. I remember this is really psychotic. I must have been, like, year six, so like 10 years old. And there was a girl in the year below me, and her face was naturally worried. Like, she always... But she always looked like something awful was about to happen. Like, oh, oh. And she looked like an owl, just constantly really stressed.

And I remember thinking, I'm going to try that as my natural face when I walk around just to see if anyone says anything or does anything. So she just had the upturns on eyebrows. Yeah, like upturned eyebrows, like a little bit like, just like stress. Like everything was just awful in the word. Probably something terrible was happening at home. But I was like, that's cool. So I tried it out.

And like whenever I was like walking around, I would be like really worried to see if anyone would pay attention to me and ask if I was okay. You were given, like, trauma ago, like, they were gel paint. A hundred percent. I was like, I wonder if anyone will call home if I really stressed the whole time. Oh, it's so good being middle class.

It's so fun. You can try out any personality and everyone's just chill with it. That's true. That's true. Is that a reserve of the middle class? I think is a freedom with it because, like, no one gives the shit.

You can do whatever you want. You can just bounce back to who you were before. Right, right, right. When you're poor and you try to be a guy. like you're changing your look over a year do you know what I mean because you get the opportunity that used to buy new clothes yeah I'm just really hoping you were a goth for a period when you were younger um I um I was sad but I don't think I ever I never like coalesced it into a identity I was I was sort of like quite schlubby and

yeah I was schlubby and awkward and like like and I was half white and in Malaysia And so I was kind of stood out that way And I was a bit too tall And very big And just much bigger than everyone And when you're tall Especially when you're the tallest person around People think oh they must be confident

But you're more self-aware Because everyone can see you at all times You're like you're like you know You're like a meeting point right Whoa I do not understand that I don't being a short person That's really cool

Tall people are shy Tall people are shy Some some some I'm six one and I'm very Like I wear it well Let's say that, like 100%. Yeah, we all talk about Helen Vannebach saying she's really letting the side down. I am.

I ruined the illusion. But I think, because in Malaysia, like, in general, people are a lot shorter. Yeah, I was the tallest member of my Malaysian family when I was 13. Fuck off. I'm the tallest member of my family. No, you're not. You're five foot. I'm taller than my dad.

That's mad. Really? Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, my dad is here. Right. And my mom is, like, here. And my little sister,

really is here. My granny, when I hug my granny, tits. Yeah, the top of her scalp goes between my tits. Like a weird like a, like a... So your grandmother motorboats, you hello. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I just twatwank my grand's head

when I see. The Irish is fucking weird, man. When I greet her. But yeah, she's really short. She's called Minnie. Minnie. Minnie. That's amazing. That's amazing. Could you imagine if I was called Mini, like Mini Grace, and I'm six for one overweight of, what's up? Like in Robin Hood was his name, Little John.

Little John! I never got that before. Yeah, it's just a... That's so clever. It's a joke. They're being sarcastic. That's good, isn't it? Medieval sarcasm. Wow.

No, it's not medieval. It's made up, Robin Hood. Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. I don't know when medieval actually wants. It is because I went to Sherwood Forest. Yeah.

Medieval is in between. evil and good like Jim Carrey like Jim Carrey like he's really good because he does the mask but like he's nice to people on set who Jim Carrey

yeah because yeah because he he's with a man on the moon but I still love him I'm not saying you know I'm saying it's a compliment to Jim Carrey I kind of get where Jim Carrey was coming from like Alec Baldwin in which aspect both being being on all the time well we've all done a project where we don't respect ourselves for it afterwards.

In year five, we did an animal project at our school, and I don't respect how I led the group. How did you lead the group? Tyrannical. It was harsh. I chose which animal we were doing. No one else wanted to do it. Asiatic lion.

Wow. Wow. And everyone wanted to do like sloths and lemurs and, like, cute things. And I was like, Asiatic Lion. And it was awful because we went to Marwell Zoo. I was at Marwell Zoo. Then we went to Marwell Zoo to do our study. The Asian lion was dead.

It wasn't there. It was dead. Dead. Well, they said, sorry, kids. The Asian lion, the lion is dead. There's no lion in the enclosure, lion dead. And then the teachers were like, pick a new, pick a new animal. And I was like, no.

No. We're not. We're doing it about the death of this life. We're not doing a memorial. Yeah, we're doing the Asiatic lion and the death of it. What zoo was this? Marwell Zoo. Marwell.

Marwell. Somewhere in Hampshire, I'm assuming. It must have been close to our school. And you're saying they couldn't keep a lion alive. They couldn't. Right. Famed Marwell Zoo. Famed Marwell Zoo.

Couldn't keep a lion alive. But maybe Lionie was like really old. Her name was Lionie. No, I just call a Lionie. Oh, right, right. Like, because it's cute. Yeah. Because it's cute.

It is cute. And Lionie was like really old. But I think in that situation as the leader of the self-appointed leader of the group, I look back and I go, well, I'm not proud of who I was then. And I'm sure Jim has a similar thing for Man on the Moon. Oh, absolutely. I don't think he does. Oh, does he defend it?

I think those, I think Hollywood. breaks your brain forever i don't think you ever come out of it i mean i don't think it's particularly sane when he started becoming famous i don't think you look i think he thinks about that as like a great artistic um choice choice he did yes would you know i never do that though go fully into character something what type of character i don't know sociopaths uh so like i mean it's a good excuse to murder a couple of people i guess absolutely and on netflix is I presume it's Netflix that always you're getting jobs from Netflix

but you ask you never want to get into the role so much that people start questioning who Phil Wang is I think at a point if you're having to be the character even when you're not acting you're not an actor right because the point of the job is that you're different people when it's called

Oh wow yeah do you know the story the um the dust At Arizona State University, we've made online education better, smarter, and more personalized, so you can go further in your aspiring field. I decided to pursue medicine once I realized that ASU did have the online program for biological sciences. You're still required to learn the same curriculum. You're still being tested on the same content that anyone would be tested on in person.

The comprehensiveness of the program prepared me so well for medical school. Explore over 350 plus programs. at ASUonline. ASU. ASU.orgman and Lawrence Olivier's story. No. So they were in a movie together. I can't remember which one it was. Rain Man. I don't think so.

But Dustin Hoffman, his character, his character had a scene. Meet the fuckers. I don't think so. Dustin Hoffman, his character in the scene, he's very tired. And he's all... Mathriman. That might be it. I think it is biferman.

Yeah, he's very tired and he's all coaxed up. And so in order to get into character He stayed up all night the night before And he turned up just exhausted bags under his eyes And Lawrence Olivier saw him And he said, have you ever tried acting dear? Oh And I think I kind of agree with that

The whole point is that You're pretending? You're pretending, yeah I don't know, I think I would be a psycho I think I'd really go into it at some point Just for me, just for me Just to like take on a full role at some point Like I would love to play like an animated animal

In like in like a Disney film And then I would live as a chipmunk for two weeks around it How would you do that pack? Like not in a tree But like that's a big part of being a chipmunk So already you're making But I'd like sing with princesses in the morning But like edamame beans and your cheeks

Yeah yeah Like store my food in my cheeks Which princess? Princess Anne Which is breaking into Breaking into Kensington mouth Fucking sick, Princess Anne would be the ultimate choice. And I'll just be there like a six-foot one chipmunk just staring in her window, like, ah.

That would be incredible. Okay, actually, Andrew, can you write that down as a good job for me to do? Anne Bothera. And Bothera. Wasn't there a weird little Britain sketch back in the day about Princess Anne? Was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fella's not going to Little Britain.

I don't know why I said that. I regret it immediately. I hate it. What was your favorite school trip? Yeah, yeah, there we go, bang. That's good, Catherine. That's good. You're catherine yourself.

No, Catherine would do, um... How's your career going? You're happy in your career? That's really good impression. Thank you, thank you. Yeah. Which question would you like me to ask? How is your career going?

No, I want to do the favorite school trip. I'm sorry. My favorite school trip, I think, would be when I was at, I was an international school in Brunei, and I was a singer. for the school orchestra and we went on the tour we had a swap we went

we flew over to Singapore and we did a couple of shows in Singapore with the international school there okay that's a really good school trip that was really fun and I went with my and my my first ever girlfriend was a clarinetist

how were you? How were you? Sixth sixteen nine okay how did you like lay it down over her how did you get her to go out with you? Um he fucked her senseless

I can tell I can tell And then She was holding a clarinette Tell me absolutely like Ruddard her stupid Would you like to go out with me Oh

Now you're mine bitch I don't remember I must have just asked her She was going out Well this is where I get to be spicy She was going out with my best friend at school

And then he left Oh oh okay And so they broke up out of necessity. And then, but we'd been a sort of a three. Oh, my God. And then, and Mark left. Yeah. And so then it was just me and her.

Yeah. And we were in science class again and stuff. And I must have just asked her at some point. But the sexy subject science. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Especially when you're good at it. Yeah.

Very lucky we weren't in the same PE class. Oh. Because then it would never have happened. And I remember our first, like, we didn't have, we didn't kiss for like ages and ages, ages, like months, right? We're just, you're respecting your old best friend. Yeah, you're at that age where like holding hands is like basically fucking at that point. And so we're putting it as well. And I thought, no, I got to, I got to lay a smooch on this account.

I got to tie this thing down. And I was, I decided on a day when I was going to do it. Like a sociobar. It's all coming back to picking a laugh. And I was going to do it Tuesday, 11th. I got a camera there, I just threw it, like a lips on the other hand. Oh, it's so creepy. And there was a day of our, I think it was our Mandarin exam.

Big day, big day, guys. And I, we walked to school together and I was so nervous, more about the kissing exam. And then we went in, and we did the exam and we came out. And I was, I was like, I'm doing it now, I have to do it now. On the white walk back to the boarding house where we boarded together. and I was like... You were living together. Well, I mean, there was a boarding house.

They were living together. Oh, my God. This is my dog. I got so nervous. Sorry, can we sit? I got a stomachache. I was so nervous. Oh, this is so cute.

Can we sit down? It's like, are you all right? And I sat down and I had to... I was like that. My stomach's hurting so much. Oh, Jesus. And then we got back up and I stopped walking around. And then on the walk back, I turned around and said, can I kiss you?

Oh! And she went, um, yeah? And then like... I want to vomit in your mouth. And then I kissed her terribly. And then she just started laughing. And she gave me a hug and we went back to the boarding house together. I will.

You think that's really sweet. I think it's not a bad first kiss story. Because there comes with like you actually liked her. And there's jeopardy there of the rejection. Do you not normally like the person? I did all the things like ticking off a list. like, oh, I've got a kiss by this age. Like, right, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so, yeah, you, you treated it sort of like a career, like a career. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much, like, I'm ticking things off of you, past form. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Deloitte internship at this point, kiss a fella here. Oh, but you've got so excited about kissing someone. It's like you were a kid going to Disneyland that you gave yourself a tummy eight. Yeah, I guess it was butterflies in my stomach to the extreme. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Scorpions are my stuff. But what sad is I know that you didn't end up together, so what happened? Well, I had to leave the school. They made me leave. I was too good at kissing. And she won't come with you? No, no. She'd finished the air levels then.

I moved to the UK. Classic her. So like the next person in a friendship group then just took me over. That would be amazing if that's how it worked. In Brunei, there's just always like a fucking circle of people going around. But did you get to go on a school trip with the girl you fancied then? Yeah, when we were together at the time. See, that's so good because I fancied boys that went on the same school.

trip as me and I always thought we'd get together on the school trip and then it never happened. Which environment did you think was going to bring this? Okay, well definitely the death camp ones I didn't do any moves. Fair enough. Fair enough, yes. When you're going around the old death camps, it's

really tricky. Even if you do fancy a boy it's not the time. Yeah, of course. Of course. But like, because you're sort of like, we did this thing called Cowshot in Year 9, which is like, it's like an activity centre, right? I feel like every school does it when you have to do like a leap of face and you sort of like do like tree trail.

Oh like a sort of go ape kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go coppersing and you build a rafts. You try and get across the river. Like that sort of stuff. Oh, like a team building. Yeah, like team building for the whole year. And like you would all be in your like year group in a corridor.

And obviously the dorms were like separated by gender. But then you could like sneak into the rooms sort of a thing. And I just really wanted to be in his bunk bed so bad. But like number one. every girl in our year fancied him. So, like, you wanted to be the girl that made the move, but you didn't want to be the guy that made the move. What made him fanciable amongst all the girls?

I think he could make eye contact with us. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a big blast of that age. Like, looking back, and he was able to, like, talk with us, and we were like, he gets it. He gets it. But I think he was just the only one willing to... That's a mad thing. I was one of these boys at that age, I just didn't get it. Like, I looked at the boys who were good with girls.

I was like, what is... What are these Casanova's secret? And genuinely all those was was, was they would to have a conversation. Yeah, because that's all we wanted was just someone to be like, hey, how's your day? And I'd be like, oh my God, he is obsessed with me. I'm trying to figure it out of there on graph paper. Like, what's this guy doing?

It's just like, he's just having, just listening and talking about what they're interested in. Because inherently no teenagers are attractive, right? No. Teenage girls were so desperate and just like shoving. We don't know how to do makeup. Like, we're just disgusting, like, hormonal pits. And teenage boys are bad. Like, you guys are bad.

Like, it's sticky. And, like, every. Everything's seeping, like the sleeve always has something growing. I don't know what it is. They're in a bad way in general. And I imagine you'd be one of the cleaner boys. I was one of the cleaner ones. I can imagine you really doing a thorough hygiene routine.

Go on. In general, I think people don't floss, but I could see you as a flossing teenager. Don't floss. Yeah. You thought I had flossed. No, I didn't floss as a deal. I floss now. Did you towk?

Huh? A towk? Yeah, you look like a teenager who towked. Like, I'm about to do it for powerlifting. No. I turn out to school. Yeah, yeah. Like, a bit cloud.

No, but you're talking? Where do you talc? Where do you talc? Talk? I don't talk. Where did the boy's talc? I don't know people talc. Don't they to dry their...

Why am I being... They're what? Body. Their body. Yes. Talk. Do you mean talcum powder? Talk.

Talk. T-A-L-C. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I've understood the purpose of talcum powder. To dry. But they're useless for a towel. for, isn't it? Oh, yeah, that's true. Was it to keep you dry?

I think it's a scented drying. Isn't it to stop chafing? It's kind of like a dry lubricant. Andrew, could you Google define talc, please? No, I think we know what talc is. No, clearly, you're lost, my love. What is the purpose of talc? But I don't understand.

You, you're very adamant about the talcabing, but yet you're very vague with what's happening. Because I feel like he talcced, and I feel like he's lying to me. It absorbs moisture well and helps cut down on friction. making it useful for keeping skin dry and helping to prevent rashes. I think we can both claim, we could probably claim a tie on that. Okay, I'll claim a tie on it, that's fair.

That was really nice, actually. Did you talk? No, I did. What a waste of a conversation? What was seen as the ultimate, like, teenage boy hygiene, like, what was seen as too much? Too much? Yeah. What do you mean?

Well, like, I presume Roland deodorant. No, we went whole hog, and especially, like, we jelled our hair a lot. Was that a thing here? Yeah. Yeah, really horrendous, yeah. But like, like, 1950s Chinese, like businessman style. We all have, like, full-gover, like, black, you know, solid black, rock hard jilt.

Like we were in a cinema pathe clip or something, you know. Yeah, we went like proper old school. Okay, they did the gel spikes here, for sure. Yeah, we didn't really have that. Chinese businessmen. We had just discovered, like, Elvis Quiffs and stuff. We just had, like, retro. Wow. So I had, like, rock hard hair

until I was maybe 14, 15. Right. And then, so you went on this trip with your girlfriend to Brunei? Was that it? Or what? We were, at school in Brunei, we went to Singapore. You went to Singapore, and you were singing. Yeah, which is very exciting, because it's like the metropolis of the area, you know, it's like the big city.

It's also got a really good zoo. Fantastic Zos. Incredible zoo. And a Japanese prisoner of war camp, which is a big popular tourist site. Yeah. Yeah, shangy present, I believe it's called. Yeah. Don't go. It's not nice, actually. But they do have an interactive room there, which is, well, they did when I was younger.

What was the interaction? It was just, it was so fucking upsetting, actually. So, like, you know, like, the museums and the noughties, like, all around the world were like, oh, we need to be more interactive so the kids get more excited about going. Yeah, like the natural history. Yeah, yeah, yes. You've got, in London, you've got Imperial War Museum. You've got, you can go through a Blitzkrieg simulator.

You can go through a trench simulator. You can go on the Kobe Earthquake simulator. You press the button and all flashes and rocks. Really? These are all free in London. Imagine if you're from Kobe. They must feel like... This is the thing.

They've actually got footage of people dying in a supermarket. And it's just Western kids being like, yeah. But the Japanese Prisoner of War Camp simulator is going to be the worst one. So it was at Shangy Prison. And you would go into a room. And I walk playing a role. You go into the room. They turn a room.

fall the light and they just scream at you in Japanese. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. It's horrible. Are they personalized insults? Like they're writing like burns for each of... Oh, I just remember crying and like holding on to my parents so tightly being like, don't

let them take me away. That's good then. Yeah, they do shit well in Singapore. They get shit done. But surely out of every historical site, like Prison of War camps, death camps, you should not have simulations, no? Yeah, I'd be fair enough. That feels wrong.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Thank you, everyone. Because I know the discipline right and wrong. Yeah. But there are... And oh my God, I went to one once, which was an IED street in Iraq at the Chelsea Army Museum.

This must have been like 2012. And you had to walk down... An IED. IED. I improvised explosive device. I genuinely want to talk. I thought you were talking about the coil. No.

All I'm saying. is go to your local museum and check out the experience that you can live through. I highly recommend the Imperial War Museum Trench Experience is a button for mustard gas. Wow. A bit of fun? Oh, very fun, very fun.

You look upset. I'm trying to remember if I've been in the trenches bit. I've been in... Oh, no, where I was, was in... This was in Wellington and New Zealand. They had a First World War, like, simulation, a bunker bit. Oh, it's fun. It was brill. Which team did you go on?

I'll never tell. I think we should solve a listener problem before we start picking who's a Nazi, who's in English. The old game, the old game, Who's an Nazi, who's in English. Yeah. The parlor game that was, wasn't it?

Back in the day. It was for my family. Okay. I look so small in this feed. Do you not think? You do look a little. How about, is that better? Yeah.

Yeah. Can we try and stick with this camera angle? Yeah, just keep Helen out of it. Yeah, okay. No, I don't mind me as well. I'll just... Okay, right. It's a weird perspective thing

that whoever sits at the top of the table does look quite small, especially because the table does narrow towards you. Right, yeah. Me and Allison are big gals as well. We're not going to go out of us. Look at the size of us.

We'll fucking ruin with him, like. We look like a hot dog with an oversized bun and it's like a very small. I'm a hot dog. You're the hat, duck, and we're in the fun. This is quite a visual experience, if anyone goes to our YouTube channel, YouTube.com, forward slash trusty hogs. That little teaser there.

Yeah. All the podcast listeners. Clipper! Clipper! Clipper! Clipper! Hashtag Reels! Hashtag Fully Reels! I got the snort! I really hope that one of the likes I got picked up. A Trusty Hogs snort. Hello to all our reels and TikTok viewers. Hello to all our reels and TikTok viewers. So, this is a podcast.

problem from A. Hi, A! It's a problem about... That was really sad. Usually Catherine says hi as well. Hi. There we go. Is that okay?

I've had a best friend for about seven years now. We are long distance and first met at Comic-com. Aw. We used to video chat quite often, then meet up a few times a year. However, it feels like I now always have to be the one to message her. She doesn't message me first. And whenever we set a time to video chat, she always finds an excuse to get out of it. Or just straight up ghost me in the potential.

tends we never scheduled it. I wouldn't mind if she's just busy or even doesn't want to talk to me, but the excuses happen every single time. I've tried to talk with her about it, and even, yes, we just have a break from each other, but she'd always guilt-trip me by sending me money or gifts, which makes me feel really uncomfortable. What?

I'm not sure what to do. That is kind of the end of the problem there. I'm not sure what to do. So just thoughts, feelings, advice. Oh my God, I know what to do. Just keep this going and keep the money. You don't have to talk to anyone. You just get sent money and gifts every now and again?

This is the fucking perfect friendship. Are you serious? Yeah, it can turn from a friendship into a financial dominatrix thing, you know. Yeah, think of all the things you could buy. Or the Comic-Cons you could go to. Or the new friends you can make. Yeah.

This sounds like the end of a friendship. Listen, fundamentally, long-distance relationships don't work, whether it's romantic or platonic in this case. They just don't work. Look at Phil and the love of his life, the first kissed. Yeah. He came up to the UK over. I learned this the hard way and learn it.

They don't. work there and um because you know your immediate life your immediate surroundings take precedence and you know you lose um you'll touch with each other so my maybe it's brutal advice but i think you should end it i think really i agree with phil actually i think it's just the friendship's already over like if you're fighting for it it's not going to happen like who knows maybe in a couple of years they'll come back and go look sorry i was just going through one of those phases where i was just like very like in my head like i wasn't really talking to that many people or like something was happening then like you can work them back and

welcome them back in if you want but in general it just sounds like it's dead in the water it sounds like they keep the money they feel guilty over letting the friendship go and want to tell themselves that they've made the effort I think I've done this with my mum before

of like she's sending you money and guests oh sorry with the World Cups playing outside we're in Qatar actually yeah we are we are we are it's so hot in here and I can tell you know No, England has just scored.

Yay! But it's been, yeah, it's been quite... We flew into Doha. Is that the airport? Yeah, that feels like it's fat. Yeah. Do you want to get back to the proper? There's no problem there.

Friendship's over. Keep the money. Go to Comic-Con. The friendship's over. I would stop receiving money often, though, because I feel that you feel weird about it or you wouldn't have mess. Would you not think that's a thing?

Yeah, I get it. It feels weird if someone's sending me money. The breakup of a friendship is like more traumatic for me than the breakup of a romantic relationship in a way. Like I had a mate who was like a good mate. Yeah. Would buy me presents for no reason. Long distance as well actually.

There you go. And then our relationship kind of broke down. But we didn't acknowledge it and it's fine. All my long distance friendships just fizzle out naturally. Yeah, you don't have to. You don't have to say goodbye on it. You can just stop making the effort. I think from a male perspective, we don't even have this problem

because we're such naturally bad friends to each other. Yeah, like, our friends is just kind of fade away and we're like, oh, yeah. Tim, oh, yeah, how long's it been, man, five years? Oh, yeah. And you just, yeah, so I guess maybe I can't, I'm finding it hard to relate. Who do you tell your secrets to? No one. No one.

Okay. I have like one or two friends I saw spread bet I have a couple of secrets here A couple of secrets Very good You don't load one person With all you see

That's my problem I've got two friends That have everything Yeah yeah And you'll never get rid of If Guinness Keyworth Or Francis Stanfield Ever fucking start talking

My life's over Yeah totally Over they know too much And I have friends But Catherine as well And she's a talker That's the thing with Brohart Like that will come out

At some point That's like it would be in for it He fell. I've covered myself. Byrne knows all of your stuff because she texts me one a week. But I bet you she does. Guess what Alison did? If you tell me a secret, I'm telling my boyfriend and I'm telling Fern.

Like, there's no... And then it's her because Fern does tell everyone. Yeah. But like, you know. Actually, there was a secret that I heard through someone to Fern to you or something. Sorry, sad again. No, wait, what was the secret? It's going to bother me.

Wait, whose secret was it? But someone, I can't remember. Wait. Sineal Patel's involved in this somehow. What? Sineal had lunch with fun and it was a secret, but I think it came through you. For listeners, Helen's currently at a cork board with lots of pins and strings. Wait, let's do another problem, and then I'm going to figure it out.

Okay. Someone's sleeping with someone. No. In London? No, they're fucking, oh, it's going to annoy me so much. No one sleeps with each other in love They do, they do Okay, talk and then I'm going to figure it out

The worst part is that when you do figure it out We'll just have to bleep the names This is so frustrating for the listener Oh, I know Poor listener And tease this gossip they'll never get Okay, we'll move on to a problem This is from P

Hi Pee, hello, from Phelopee Hi, trusty hug team, love the pod Thank you Thank you Thank you Lots of gratitude here, Pete. A new team. I have a problem I would love the hogs to take on.

I, 30 female, met my boyfriend 30 male, at you, weird names. A bit of banter, no, that was good. At university, and we've now been together for over 10 years. But this milestone has freaked us both out. We've talked about it a fair bit, and while we are both happy in the relationship and don't want to break up, we also don't see ourselves as that boring psycho couple that settled down really young. Uh...

What? We talked about the option of trying an open relationship, but we both expressed different doubts and fears about it. We've gone from being the only long-term couple among us our friends and seeing lots of people start to settle down. But at 30, we both feel still so inexperienced in love, having only ever seriously dated each other. While we're not in a rush to make any big life decisions soon,

I'm worried this concern will always be there for us. Any advice? That's a good question. I like it a lot. I mean, sorry, but it's a good question. It is a good question, Because it is like you've sort of got what so many people see as the ideal. Like you've never had your heartbroken.

You've never really had to date as an adult and like run around and try and like find the person that's the right match for you at that point. But it sounds like you have grown with this person and it works out together. I'll say this. Alison is probably the long term relationship person of this table. Like 10 years. So you're buying on this. 10 years next month.

I never dated anyone before him. and he can't really do it either so this is like when, okay when you're in a long-term relationship when other people break up around you you don't, it's like when someone has a bad gig you don't willfully do it

but you stay away from them because the stink of failure you know what it means that like you know you get your humanity back after a second but like it just

so to hear this I don't know where that came from that would just felt like yeah it was great so why did they want to break up like what's going on they're just worried that they're inexperienced and they haven't tried other things out and they're wondering whether they're like

but you can try stuff out on each other like what they mean is they want to try but that's precisely the thing they want to try changing is each other I think fundamentally here the grass is always greener on the other side exactly and people I'm sure they're friends who are perennial leaves

dating different people are jealous of them. Yes. But these people are jealous of other people's experiences. The other thing to keep in mind here is that they both reach 30, which is a milestone in itself. And I think they're also coming to terms with aging. They're not just coming to terms with a relationship. They're not just coming to terms with aging.

I think we're all thinking the same thing. They're associating their age with the partner and with the relationship. So I think they're loading a lot of anxiety about aging onto the relationship. Yes. Right. So fuck Cruz. Sorry? Yeah. So we all thinking of the same thing.

Fuck cruises. Oh, right. So they both go on around the world cruise. I was like, oh, Maverick was not bad. No, you both go on around the world cruise. And what happens on cruise, stays on cruise. One of you goes east to west, one of you goes west to east. And you meet up in the middle.

And you can do whatever you want whilst on cruising. There's the comedian Kurt Brownhola, American comedian. He was on a episode of this American life about this. He and his partner went on a Rumspringer. Do you know Rumspringer? No. So Amish people. When they reach at the age of 18, they go on a Rumspringer, which is a year, a year away from the community, and they can live life free from all the Amish rules.

And at the end of the year, they decide if they want to come back to the Amish community or if they decide not to, then ban forever. Oh my God. They can live in the waterway. So a Rumspring is like a year-long experiment. And so Kurt Brown-Eller did this with his partner, and she did end up with someone else. I think that's what happened. Oh no, they ended up breaking up. They ended up breaking up after the year.

But they gave it a go of year. So maybe try a Rome Springer. I mean, that's not a great advert for it because the couple I've used. No, but if they're both happy at the end of it, then it's fine. Then you know for good, don't you? Yeah, but like if you. I feel like the fuck cruise is a half room spring up. Or fuck cruise.

Because it's just like it's a month. Yeah. Like it's not a year. And also you're on a cruise. Yeah. Different. But there's nothing. But then.

Mm-hmm. You don't seem that fuss about fuck cruise either of you, and it's actually upsetting. How real is fuck cruises? Fuck cruises. Well, yeah, it's a cruise ship, but you go on the cruise. Is that real? Have you just made that up? Well, then there's no boat going, like, come on our fuck cruise. Yeah, but you said Disney cruise and that's not a fuck cruise, isn't it?

What do you mean? No fucking happens on a Disney cruise. No, the fucking happens on the Disney cruise. Obviously, the cast are fucking each other. Yeah, Mickey and Minnie are, aren't they? I suppose that's true. How dare you? Fucking dare you.

They don't fuck because where are the little mice? Idiot. You're an idiot. They use protection. Oh yeah. Minnie's got a coil. Yeah, Minnie does.

It's got a little mouse ears on it. It's branded. All the Disney characters are neutered and branded at the same time with Disney special. Okay, fuck it. Both of you get a job on Disney cruise lines and travel around on Disney cruise lines.

Yeah. And you can fuck anyone you want. on the ship and at the end of the cruise when you arrive at castaway key which is disney's very own island in the bahamas is that true yes i've done a lot of research on this it's true you can get married on castaway key if you time it with a cruise correctly wow thank you and you can be and you can be characters there in certain costumes that you can't get anyone else and you can't get anyone else castaway key pins and um one day i will go there with the love of my life that's beautiful is it adult only castaway

Nope. But anyone can go if you're on a Disney cruise line. It's the only way to get there is through Disney cruise lines. Wow. But there's now four boats in the Disney Cruise Line fleet. The Wish, the Fantasy, the Dream and the Magic. Yeah. I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't trust a boat called The Wish.

It's their latest one. It's a very high luxury liner. And it's based off Cinderella and Rapunzel's hanging off the back. It sounds so great. You're so excited about this, I'm just rubbing your breast against the table. I guess the bike. All I'm saying, P, I think fuck Cruz is the answer. And I am literally losing my mind right now.

I'm so excited. I think you should just... Fuck Chris. Why don't you role play as Mickey and Minnie? You know, pretend you're different people and that you're not 30, that you're a 120-year-old mice and fuck each other. And then, you know, it'll be fine. You don't have to...

I'm just very into monogamy. I'm a horribly... Yeah, and also I feel... like you're worried that if Pete and their partner and it doesn't work out, that that means it's for, and for you as well. Like nothing could work past 10 years. I'm a bad person. I'm very biased.

I'm very biased. I think you're meant to be together. I think it's natural to question. But like... Yeah, I know a couple from my college university who got together fresh as night and they're married now. Yeah. They just got together fresh as night and they stayed together the whole time.

I've got friends like that too. Yep, 100%. And on the one hand, I'm like, God, that's crazy. Crackers. But on the other hand, I'm like, oh, that's so nice. What's so different about different shaped dicks? Like, what's so? I'll say this as well. There's a lot of bad sex out there.

It is not like you'd have this amazing, experimental, exciting sex life. But you will have, it'll be disappointing. Do you get me when I say that? Like, it's like... The different shaped dicks thing. What? It's so different about... Yeah, you can play with dildos.

Oh, you're saying how different can a dick be? Yeah, how different can a dick be? Also, the open relationship thing sounds like a great option for you guys if you're both into it. Which? But just put different things up your vagina, if that's what you're worried about. I put on pencil cases, hairbrushes, like, anything. Yeah, anything in that sort of shape. What kind of pencil cases?

Because that's quite a broad chip. Yeah, soft. Little one. Soft, yeah, I sum them up there. One of those pretend. One of those pretend pringled pencil cases. Yeah, you've done it. You've done it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. I get it. You can do anything. Should we say thank you to Phil? because I feel like... Oh, wow, that's really... I know.

Oh, but before you go, can you tell us about your book, please? My book? Oh, yeah. Could people read it on castaway key? No, it turns to paper as soon as it goes to castaway key. Called fuck cruise.

No! You've done another book called Fuck Cruise? That would be so good. I would love... Oh, sorry. Yeah, my book? Yes, you want to talk about my book? Yeah, I want to know about your book.

Yeah, it's called Side Splitter. It's about being mixed race and mixed cultured. Yeah. Yes, but I guess, yeah, you guys are... You're the twin of my cousins because my cousins are half Malaysian, half English. Is that true?

Yes. Are they legends as well? Pretty damn cool. Shout out to Ross and Natasha. Ross is still in K.L. Tasha's in London. Hell yeah. A nice one.

Good honor. Good honor. Yeah, good on Ross as well. I said good on him. Good on him. Yeah. KL's a lovely part of the world. K.L.

K. Kale's gross. Kale's lovely. It's very, there's no planning gone into it. It doesn't make sense. How dare you? You can't walk anywhere. I'm from East Malaysia.

I'm from East Malaysia. I'm on from the island side. Basically there's like no proper pavement, so you have to get in a car everywhere and there's like really bad traffic and the LT system isn't that great. But my family actually live on the edge of KL up in Stapak and Wonka,

so actually it's pretty good. So you can go fuck yourself. Yeah, and the central shopping centre is very good. There's a cinema at the top, yeah. Wow. Jealous now? No. I grew up in these places.

The only thing in town is shopping malls. Yes. I don't miss that. And the Patronas towers, they're nice. You can look at some towers that you used to be. With the shopping center at the bottom of them. Yeah, I actually know it's shit, you're right. What the fuck is wrong with that play?

Anyway, thank you for away. Bye. Bye. Bye, going, going. Thank you much to our executive producers. Guy Goodman, Simon Moore, Mary Fox, Annie Tonner, Sarah Harkay Deakin and Oliver Jago. Was up, guys.

And to our amazing producers, Richard Bicknell, L, Richard Bold, Neil Redmond, Victoria Hutchison, Emma Walton. I really feel that's spit in my mouth. Karen and David Bull, Howard Van Dyke, Eddie Doyle, Tim and Dom, David Walker, Rachel, Anthony Conway. It's like it's in the pipe at the top of it. Just read the name. Sadie Cashmore, Claire Owen Jones, Jess and Nick, Zoe, Joe Holmes, Sarah, Molly Hurtie, Helen, Alex Pughy, W. Amy, Ria Fink, Cordelia, Holy shit.

Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Sophie Shivers, Graham Marsh, Emily G, and Amy O'Reardon, Abby Worf. I will say this. I would like another patron called Cordelia. I really like that. More Cordelia's the minute. More Cordelia's would be incredible. Thank you all so much. Oh, and a Cleopatra.

That's a fun one, isn't it? If you're out there and you're called Cleopatra, please join us as a patron. Thank you.