Trusty Hogs - Ep61. CHARLIE DINKIN / Safari, Satsumas & Sweet Caroline

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

The brilliant Charlie Dinkin joins Helen and Harriet Kemsley this week. Catherine will return next episode, but in the meantime, Harriet (Why is Harriet Crying?, Bobby & Harriet Get Married etc.) was a super co-host talking drama school auditions with Helen; and Charlie was a wonderful guest who has her own podcast you should check out called SeanceCast. FOLLOW CHARLIE: @ChazzyKatFOLLOW HARRIET: @HarrietKemsleyThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Catherine. If you're listening to this on Thursday or Friday and are in London, then I'm doing my show. This isn't for you, although it is if you're a hog, at Leicester Square Theatre at 9.30 on Friday night. That's Friday, December 2nd and I would love, love to see you there, especially if you're a hog, because, oh man, it's my last time I've ever doing it, and I want to celebrate it

with people who love me and who I love. Come on down, please? And Helen's on. Oh, and Helen's opening for me. Oh my God, yes, even if you don't like me, come see Helen. Welcome to episode 61 at Trusty Hog. Catherine Boehart is in need of more break. So welcome Harriet Kemsley.

Hello. And I do want to start this on a positive note because this is our first Christmas episode. Yay. I can't believe it's this time of you again. Do you want to sing a song really quickly? Merry, Merry Christmas to you. What's that?

I just don't see it. I found that was a song. I joined in because I didn't want to be seen as someone who didn't know a Christmas. Where it's going, I just started. Oh, so it's not a song? Is it? I don't know, is it?

I don't know, Andrew. I feel like I recognise it. It's not a Christmas song, no. Oh. Christmas time, mistletoe and wine. Catherine's sick and weak to get it soon. Logs on the fire and gifts on the tree. It's episode 60 of our piggy show.

61 Damn it! To the fog Step forth the trusty hogs Yeah You're gonna give them your problems And they will solve them

Or maybe they won't And that's your problem They'll have guests And Andrew White On the tech Oh It's Helen and Catherine As the trusty hogs

Trust the Truss The trusty hogs or maybe not. The rhyme's so good if it had been 63. It's sad it wasn't, but if it had been... Could we make this 63? Really good. No. Could we just skip two?

I don't think anyone would care. Then it's the Christmas Day episode. Oh my God. Wait. Tell me about Christmas, Harriet, because I know that you are obsessed with it, but you actually are? I actually really love Christmas.

I just think it's really nice to have a time of year that's, like, really magical. And times of years, because there's loads of times of year that aren't magical. so I'm always there for the magical the problem is in our household we've had to like rain it in

over the years Why? I mean you have a dog and a daughter now so yes but like my mom like I think she refused to let go for a long time of Christmas like and I get it now having a daughter like you understand but like we would all like go and like open the stockings like on my parents' bed

like until like far too recently What do you mean? When so like when we We were in our, like, in, like, our 20s, we were still doing it. Like, when, like, Bobby was still, like... Wait, you'd go into your parents' room to open gifts? Yeah, like, yeah, like, on the bed, like, with the...

How big was this bed? How are you fitting? Yeah, well, it was like a tight squeeze, you know? But, like, we're down the other end, you know, so it's all like... It was like, yeah. Was it like a Charlie in the chocolate factory with the grandparents bed? Yeah, my trade granddad was in there as well. Everyone's in there

And what are you getting in the stocking? This is the problem So there's like things in the stock And like my mum refuses like You have like I'd say Oh thanks so much And she'd say Thank you to Father Christmas

And then we have to let this go We must now Because I can't get this up And then always the joke The joke was that there would be A satsoom you know everyone has Yeah yeah we got satsum I'm obviously allergic

Of course Every year I'd put my hand in And then I'd go Oh guys no My hand's so itchy And everyone would laugh And then they'd say, she got this at Zuma. And then I'd go, no, seriously, I've got to go wash my hands.

Then everyone would, it's so fun. How many years is that funny, though? Every year, every year, again, just an annual joke. Just like, we put it in again. I was like, no, but I did ask. Like, I did ask in January. I was like, please don't do this again. Because, like, it really does make my hand it.

And it's just, like, not nice. It's like, I'm a celebrity when you put your hand in someone. It's exactly like I'm a celebrity, yeah, but on your parents' badge in pajamas. It's at Zuma. See, is it weird? this is how unwholesome my Christmas up. Like, you grow up wanting that wholesome family Christmas and you hear about it and it's upsetting.

And all I can think about is a woman in my 20s. Like, do I go into my parents' room with a bra on? Do I take my top off from pyjamas? Because I don't want to be in my dad's bed with my knockers out. Like... Do you say, do you take your bra? Because I don't sleep in a bra. So when you wake up in the morning and you're like,

oh, I've got to get in daddy's bed. Do you put on a bra? God. Well, Andrew, I can hear you saying a god like that. I don't think about my tits as much as you think about your tits. Like, I think you are thinking about your tits, like, a lot of the time. Like, your tits are like... It's all I have.

Like, my dog. I feel like a lot of people think about your tits more than they think about their own tits. Yeah, yeah, it's true. It's like they're another character, yeah. Thank you. And so I think that's why you have to take them into consideration, whereas I just move from wherever I move, the tits move with me. That's like the...

For reals? Yeah. Oh, my God. Harry, I'm just dying, thinking about your Christmas, I'm sorry. So I thought Catherine's was the most upsetting because, you know, they have to, everyone. one in the Bohart clan has to sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas morning. No, they're religious.

Oh, no. I think you've got to be respectful because it's religious, but it's absolutely fucking mental. That actually seems like quite sarcastic because he's dead. Right. And like it seems a bit mean because it's like, he's not here to celebrate. But Christmas now is not Jesus's birthday for me. Yeah. And for you, it's not being semi-naked in your parents' bedroom because you're in your 30s now

and you have your own child. Yeah. So... I see you, Mabel. Because it's talking to get to. But are you going to make Mabel go through that too? Look, Mabel's in charge. Like, if she doesn't want to do it.

But I think she'll want to do it for a bit, you know? Oh yeah, of course. But you don't want to... That's the thing. Like, for so long I was like, I don't want to stop because, you know, you get the presents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it, you know.

But then Bobby was like, like, he'd just sleep. He'd just be like, pretend it wasn't happening. Just like, in my bed, just like, please. I can't see Bobby Mare bounding into a bedroom. I was like, absolutely not. Bobby is having a baby. Can you imagine? Awful.

Look, I think you can start your own wholesome Christmas traditions. Yes, yeah. You've got a baby now. Yeah, so now everyone comes in our bed. Wait. But are you going to do, I'm going to shove this microphone in your face

because I can just hear so much noise outside. I'm worried that we've got to be. It's the football. There's football happening. I didn't even know. You guys hear about the World Cup? It's still a thing, turns out. I didn't even know it was happening.

I got a text because I was running late and he was like, oh, you're watching the game? And I was like, What game? I didn't even know. There's been games 24-7. Oh, my God. That's how it works, right?

They play games like five games a day? Three normally, yeah. Three games a day. That's exhausting for the grass. Yeah, they're doing different stadiums each game. And is each game different? Yes, yeah. Oh, I don't like this.

I don't like this World Cup. It's not very Christmassy. No, it's not. It feels wrong. It feels bad. And also it's ruining the quality of our podcast. Can you hear it on the headphones at all? I can't.

I would check in post. How mad is that you can't hear it? Sorry if anyone in the last two episodes has heard Vindaloo very loudly kind of humming in the background. I apologise. We're in the absolute dregs of society here in England. This is the end days. It does feel a bit like we're recording this in the middle of a pitch.

Like we've just moved like this little porter cabin like into a pitch and they're just playing around. That would be really nice. I wouldn't just be part of a sporting event for once. But imagine you were quite sporty at school. Yeah. You've definitely got a hockey girl vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only because you're low to the ground. Yeah, yeah. They're like, you're saying yeah, but I'm insulting you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, I can't play a sport, Helen. I thought that was, I thought you were just having, like, I seen you play tennis and you were very good.

I actually am good at tennis, but that's, like, from, like, a long time of, like, practice. I was being sarcastic again. Wait, where did you see me play tennis? I saw, do you want, do you actually want me to tell this story? I don't remember the story. Father Catherine, so sorry. So Harriet, this summer, bought herself a fly squatter that was a tennis racket shape and it was electrified and she was running around like a mad woman and a vegetarian.

It's really bad. And it electrocutes them to death on impact and it makes a noise and she was losing her freaking mind. I was killing. In the middle, just like, in like shorts, just like, wha, whack, whack. But like because there's a baby, you kind of flies with a baby. But I got so much pleasure from it because I was like, I have to get rid of the flies. I saw about 20 dead flies drop on our baby.

Why is that? What is the fly baby thing? I've not heard that before. No one's looking at night. Babies are allowed to have flies around them. Aren't they? Is everyone really upset with me? No, no.

It's just bad. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because the baby's go on the shit and then the shit can go in the baby. Oh, I see. The baby flies go on the shit and then they goes on to the human baby.

Yeah, and dog shit makes babies blind. it does have you not had that no they we had a school assembly about it don't eat dog shit it'll make you go blind that's cat don't eat dog shit it'll make you go blind oh my god they had to have a whole assembly we had an assembly in hell they were like we don't want to take it to her individually

we're gonna have to hold a whole assembly and me and three and my friends were like oh for fuck oh we just had to say everybody here don't eat dog shit all of us just throwing away our lunches like oh fucking school dinners it is that this is fucking bullshit and it's like in sixth form like this is

No, I would never eat dog shicks. It does make me feel physically sick. It does. That's the reason. I'm putting it out there. I'm not a big fan of dog shit in general. Like, I used to one of my early sort of like after school jobs. You think that you're original there.

I'm different. It just makes me feel sick. There are people who like dog shit. That is not true. My dad looks at them for like longer than he needs to. Like if we're like, if we're walking down the street and he sees a dog shit, I'll go, oh, and then he'll just sort of stay staring at it the whole time we walk past. I think he's trying to figure out what they ate or something.

he likes it he enjoys the mystery but your dad it's like his thing yeah poo is his thing yeah well he works in poo so yeah if you're an expert in something then you you know you get like you have to learn about it you know I think he likes to try and figure out how much rainfall it would require for disintegration to be complete why do you look up to that now I just all I can picture is a dog shit right now yeah because but dog shit's the worst one because I'm fine with horseshit if I'm walking in a park and there's horseshit.

I'm like, that's absolutely fine. I don't mind it. They should have specified in the assembly. The whole, you should not eat. The scent of horse. Sorry, we have to have another assembly. Dogs and horses and humans.

But the scent of horse shit is so different to the scent of dog shit. No, you're right. There is something particularly. Because I had after school job after paper round before babysitting, which is when you practice on dogs, right? You know, like, so you do paper around when you're 13

and then you move on to babysitting but there was a little bit of a window where I didn't want to do paper round anymore because I couldn't bully my mum into doing it for me so then I had to do dog sitting I'm just picturing you doing a paper round just lobbing a paper in someone's face I was the boring paper round

I was the afternoon paper round where it was like Tuesdays and Thursdays and you had to add a little cart and I put it through doors and I had to spend like hours leafleting at home beforehand putting leaflets in each of the paper hey heads up slam paper in the face

there was one house though did you ever have a paper round no there was one house where the dog was like violent but to the point where like if you you had to put the paper in the door right and we were told in training paper girl training

that you could not don't look at me at that you were never allowed to leave a paper hanging out the door slightly on the outside because then it indicated to burglars that no one had to come home yet so they knew how long you'd been away from home for so it was like a sign to robbers that you could rob because no one was in

yes that's and that stayed with me until then they could actually be like a paper girl like robbing community because you'd know who's not in so actually yeah that's true you should like maybe like start a start something like get some little but I don't have the job anymore now I'm a comedian remember it would be like never been kissed you'd have to go back and pretend that you were um that you were 15 what's never been kissed again what what's never been kissed you know it's never been kiss. No one in here knows it. Drew Barrymore goes back to high school and has to pretend that

she's at high school still and she's never been kissed and then she does get kids. Sorry, I remember the ending. Wait, Drew Barrymore as I think we knew it was heading there anyway. Drew Barrymore as an adult goes to high school. Yeah, look, in hindsight it's actually very inappropriate in a lot of ways. But she's pretending to be a child? Yes.

How old is she? She can get boys. Is this a real film? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And people say shallow how's offensive. How is that allowed to keep going? Never been kissed.

And then how old is the boy that she gets with? Like a 16-year-old? No, no, it's the teacher. What? He thinks she's a child, but then it's... Yeah, thinking about it now. Like, it doesn't quite add up. I'm literally having this conversation at the weekend about teachers getting with students.

It's a pandemic in itself. I'm listening to an audio book at the moment called The Teacher. It's shocking the stuff that's going on. What is that? It's a fiction book. but like there's this what you've chosen to listen to a story yeah a sexy story about a teacher well you've chosen to listen to an erotic novel about a teacher that has an effect it is an erotic novel it's an erotic novel and it's about a teacher who is sleeping with a boy

and the whole book it's 50 chapters okay and the whole book is like but is it is it is that bad because he is in six form that and no joke and I don't know why I'm still listening to it's very no it's still not okay I'm I'm not saying it's okay I'm Jesus, I'm not defending it. I'm not like, look. I got into this conversation very drunk at the weekend. It's not the distance in age, is the power position. It's the power.

People in power might have, yes. And even if like maybe like teenage boys are like, woohoo, you know, then then later on they might be like, oh, actually, like that felt bad. So if Harvey Weinstein was a sound guy, he could fuck whoever he wanted. Yes. And it's not that bad. Yes. But because he was a producer, it's bad.

Oh no, but I think he would, yeah. There's also a consent in there as well. Yes, yes, I think that's the, yes, this is what do I, and there's the consent and the holding things over people because he couldn't be like, I won't play you a sound if you don't do this, you know what I'm playing your sound. That's a bad, like, that's a bad like blackmail, you know. But then consent.

But it doesn't consent get negated if the power shift is off. Like, even if they're like, I consent to sleeping with this person. And if you're 15 and they're 20 and your teacher, then your consent is still void. Because it's still assault. Yeah, 15, especially, definitely. What if I was to go back to school now and then my teacher was younger than me,

then who's in power? That's a good question, Angie. Do you want to Google it? Who goes to jail? Me or the teacher? Who's taking advantage of whom? I don't know there's any jail involved, but I do think the teacher would probably lose their job.

Even though I'm older than them, they are going to lose their job. Because they're, yeah, sleeping. They're 18. But let's say Harriet's being like a real slut. I'm being really slutting. She arrives at school wearing like, like, it's a nod to the uniform, but like a real loose nod. Yeah.

Okay. And this is the defence is it. Sorry, I can't. Yes. I don't know why I'm fighting for Harriet to go to jail and not the teacher. Wait, I should have gone to jail. Nobody all goes to jail. Why is no one going to jail?

There's been a crime. Yeah. Both consensually hooked up and you're over the age of 18. I think even over 60 But the teacher had power Because they could give me bad grades Because I'm redoing my GCSE Why are you redoing the GCSE?

I didn't do very well So I'm doing them again I mean it's going to be a hard childhood If you're made to spend like So much time in your parents' bed You're not going to thrive at school are you Like Wait I bet you did well in your GCSEs

You went to uni though didn't you? I did go to you What did you study English? English English English What did you study? English nothing I didn't go uni

Oh yeah of course But I did get A level. So I didn't need uni because A level is the apex. And do you speak a language anyway? Like people go to university to learn a language. But I don't know if that counts because someone was saying, but you can't read or write it very well. But I can't read or write English very well.

I'm serious. Yeah. But I can chat away in different languages. How do you get around? But it's like it's, I can get around Germany. I can like read and write. But I couldn't like in the same way that I can't. Sorry.

Has anyone actually seen Helen communicate with somebody that's German? or are you just speaking words that we don't even know we're actually German? And you're just like, I'm nine. I nine. I nine. Have we seen any proof that you speak German? Have you? She says a lot of things that I understand.

This is what I'm saying. There we go. There we go. That counts. That counts. Yeah, but that could be English words. Nine. You're just saying with a German accent.

Nine. I nine. Nine. It's can, Deutschland. Yeah, made up. Absolutely. made up, busted. What did you do?

You just wandering around. Don't know where you're going because you can't read a time. No, I just can't like, my written English is also really bad. Like, I can't write an essay. Like, I remember trying to do it at school and just finding it like impossible.

I would absolutely hate to read an essay that you had written. Just at just like a stream of consciousness. Oh, like, all capital letters. No punctuation. No punctuation. I'd repeat words if I was thinking, I would write the same word like 200 times in a row. It would be very overwhelming.

And I would, and I would. A screamed. A screamed. paragraph. And the worst thing is up until year 10 I was really trying. So I was doing P-E for every paragraph of my essays. Do you remember this? This was a technique to pass you see. Point evidence explain. Oh my God. That was really. So you made your point. You quoted for evidence and then you explained your point with linking it to the evidence. And if you did four paragraphs like that in row and then an intro and outro, then you should have got a good mark. And I did

that and I did not get good marks. What were your points and explanations and indeed evidence? This is the thing. Apparently, it was my subject matter that was tricky. Shit. It was dog shit. It's actually okay to it. So for GCSE, I remember this weirdly because it's so scarring for me because I couldn't do it.

And it's that first time in life when you're like, I mean, apart from like, P is and mainly it for most people. That's fascinating when you're really trying to something and you can't do it. And it's just like devastating because you're like, you know when you put like... I can't imagine what that was. You have that all the time. Put 110% to something and everyone else seems to be able to do it and you can't do it and you feel so lonely and so sad.

And the worst thing, I was already diagnosed with dyslexia, but no one else in my year group had it. So I was too embarrassed to take extra time. Even though I was offered it. So for SATs in year six when you're 10, I was like already like they were like, oh no, she's really dyslexic. So they said for my exams, I would get given help. And I was like, okay.

And then what happened on the day? This is so sad, actually. So you're 10 years old, you're doing sats in year six. And they came and got me from the class and went, you're not going to do your exam in here. And I was like, oh, no, my friends are in here. And they took me down to the main hall. And they gave me a reader, a stupid hall.

The stupid people. It was what it was. And they were like, here's someone who's going to read the questions. Like, I can read. And they went, oh, no, she has to read the questions to you. And they went, do you want how to write the answers? It's harder when they read the questions. Because then you're like, wait, I've got it in my head.

Where has it gone? And I couldn't focus because I was so embound. because I was like, oh, this is really embarrassing because everyone else gets to do it together. Yeah, and then everyone finished the exam and they were out in the playground and I could hear them and I was still in the stupid hall

and everyone could see that someone was reading the questions to me and it's humiliating. You spent your whole life trying to make up for being in a stupid hole or maybe. I think I did. Oh my God, we understand you. Because then when I got to like secondary school

they were like, do you an extra time? And I was like, no. So I refused it even though I actually probably could have really done with it. And then by the time I was like A levels I just quit. I just quit trying. it just got really thumping outside.

Did you hear that? I think I can actually hear that on the headphones now. I'm freaking knew you'd be able to hear it eventually. I mean, that is obnoxious. It's so obnoxious out there. That's bad. That's bad. And there's me opening up as well.

But did you not have a diagnosed like... No, nobody knew what was wrong. And that was part of the problem. That's what made it so hard. Is that I was living in chaos. And then people just get so cross with me. Like, my teacher banned me from home. because I just lose the sheets and she'd be like...

She banned you from homework? Yes, she was like, no homework for you. And I was like, ha, ha, bad that for me. But then I just did really badly. But then it's because I just take the sheet and then by the next day the sheet would just be like in the three pieces or like just like crumpled somewhere I couldn't find it.

And it was just that. And then she'd be like, why do you do this every time? And I'd be like, I don't know. I can't control it. That's awful. Because that should have been like people coming and encouraging you because I'm lucky in that way that I could get diagnosed early. But it was so misunderstand.

understood that they were like, although the only way we deal with is have someone do everything for her. And it's like, no, that's not what I need. I didn't need someone to teach me how to tell the time. I feel like we're in like the parent trap or something or like one of those things. We need the opposite. And we're both living like the same thing. We've both got the same problems. Like, yeah. And then we're having different experiences and then we grow up and then. And then the worst thing is no one seemed to have any learning difficulties. And then everyone got into university, which was something that just was like, it was not going to happen for me. Like I just could not pass the exams. I couldn't get the essays. I was nowhere going to get the grades.

and I couldn't get them and everyone went to university then all of a sudden everyone was dyslexic and got free laptops and I was like are you fucking kidding me where were you?

Like this is bullshit that is bullshit and I remember the time I didn't have a laptop and I was just working and I was like this is not right like justice wise

you should all give your laptops to me because I was in stupid hall yeah and you were just in a stupid I went to university I didn't make any friends so you know

it can go both ways. You didn't make any friends at uni? No, it's kind of impressive. Yeah, it went really bad. How? Well, because I was not living at university, so I didn't go very much.

And then I just, I was like, I don't know, it just went really badly. And then by a certain point, you're just like, okay, well, I guess I just keep going. Because I think I'd just always been used, like, I was quite shy and I was just always used to like people like making friends with me. Yeah.

And then I was like, oh, I'm going to have to make the effort, but I didn't have to do that. And then I was like, fine, well, I don't want to make the effort. Harriet, that's really sad as well. Well, you didn't go to university. No, but we've all made this all really sad for both of us. I know. So like, past exams, failed exams, either way, you're going to be sad and lonely.

Yeah. Because I remember when, it's the opposite of this, but like, when everyone went to uni, I was like, oh no. I also didn't go to, so I went a bit late and so everybody went off. Why did you go late? Well, because I wanted to go to drama school. So, like, it was like a different. Oh, the auditioning year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so it's different. And then they all were like, you need to be older. Like, you need to have more experience. Yeah, I've heard this. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I auditioned for a couple of drama schools. Yeah. And then now I'm like, I'm so glad I didn't go because my life, like, I like my life now and like doing stand-up.

I don't think you're like, oh my God, I'm a failure. I'm obsessed with drama school auditions. I only did a couple, but they are fucking terrifying. So it's like, did you ever do them, Andrew? No, a lot of my friends went through that circus. Okay, I just saw the wipes of your eyes. No. So like, there's like, I'd say seven drama.

schools. There's more than that, but there's seven that people like, well, like, those are the ones that they want to go to and they've all got

this insane alumni or whatever. And to get into it, you have to do three speeches. You've got to do one modern day, one classical Shakespeare or like a contemporary

of Shakespeare and then you've got to prepare a song. Do you want to know about my... So I had to do a song. I do. How are they playing Sweet Caroline outside right now? It's crazy.

Apologise for the sound quality again. I have a nice background. You love it? It's a bit of ambiance, you know. So we had to do a song. And so I was like, I'm a really bad singer, and I don't know how to hold a tune. And so I got, like, everyone had, like, I had this teacher. She was like, just take you back to the basics.

Yeah. So she taught me this song called the Merry Cobbler. And then... What's the Mary? Okay. Could you give a surrendition? Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I think she's starting to cry.

Are you hyperventilating? I had, like, actions and stuff as well. It's like... Can you imagine that I went places and I actually did this? I can see you doing it errata. I cobble, cobble, cobble. Please try it again. It's difficult with this background of it.

It's really hard because that's really going for sweet Caroline at the moment on the streets of London. I cobble, cobble. I'm cobbling a shoe right now if anyone was wondering. And then he goes like, Draw, Lott. Honestly, I think mine might be more embarrassing.

What was yours? No, I bet you did like wannabe. She did want to be, I bet. No, I did. Oh, God. No, because remember, I auditioned for it, but my mum used to run a drama school

from my living room, but I didn't want, because she said I shouldn't be an actress, so that's probably why I auditioned because I was like, no, I can do it. and I was a girl from the year above me at school. Ria is a Metrovich, who is an actor. She also went to the Ambaugh School of Drama.

She was also auditioning at the same time. By the way, Ria didn't get into drama school, and now she's the lead on Amazon series. So there you go. Just goes to show you don't need it. Not out yet, but look out for Ria in the power. Thank you. Oh, the power.

Yeah, the lead in the power. Oh, and that's with Dwight Shrewts in it. There we go, Dwight Shrewts in it. Ria's made it. And her sister came to see me at Soho last week. The lovely story, actually. It's a lovely all around. My family.

Hello. There's a much of bitches. I went really serious. So for my stuff, I can't tell us if you're going to sing it to me, Karen. And you had to sing it in a group. I only got asked to sing a song once, and it was in a group of people.

And Harry is being disrespectful. How are you being disresolved? And just working with what I have. No. No. No, do it, do it, do it. Okay, and it was like a hidden track of Katie Tunstall on an album. And if you, like, went to the end of one of her songs,

it had a song called, like, Caledonia, and she was doing a cover of it, and I sang that really sincerely. You have to do it now. No, I don't remember it. I did the cobble. I did the cobble. I did it. Do it.

Because I was like, Andrew, mate, I do it. You should do it, Helen. We had the lovely rendition of the cobbler. I was like 18. The merry cobbler. It wasn't very merry when you did. Cople, cobble, cobble, it's not cobble, it's cobble. Cople, cobble, cobble, cobble, cobble.

You have to give us at least a line. Okay, it was like, I don't know if you can't see. I can't do it. It's so bad. Just screaming in their face. And I remember this is so awful. This audition, the same one. I mean, it must have been just a couple of schools I went to.

He blocked it out. Oh, I remember, yeah, I'll tell you how it ended for me. But like I, and we had to sing it in a group, and I remember thinking, like, oh, all the actors that I've ever seen are always like a bit weird and edgy. So, like, I was singing and so I'm looking at people like, trying to be like mysterious. And I just get a recall.

Hey! They're just fucking mad. But I was not meant to go to drama school, because the day of the recall I was just crying all morning I didn't want to go and my friend Maria was like you don't want to go to drama school

and I was like yeah and she's like so you don't want to do it and I was like yeah you're right I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I was doing it's because everyone

had gone to uni and it's like two years after it so like I must have been like I feel like stand up is like uni like it is like you meet those people like it's like really fun and like I feel like

we found it like a bit late but like we've had our uni experience at stand up like everyone was auditioning around me for drama school as well because I was working at this point in catering which is also like uni before stand up that's the early uni and everyone was auditioning for drama school or had been to drama school and it felt like this really

big deal kind of sad isn't it they're auditioning for it and then they go to it and they're back doing catering oh my god I didn't even put that together at the time yeah so they're like it's like so few people then get to do it like it's like it is a bit of I don't know it's tough I think acting's the worst one I think it is very hard There's people making people quite sad, maybe, I don't know. Why are you whispering when they're singing outside? Sorry, I just... You've got sad.

You've got sad. You've done, like, the gig technique of, if the room's really rowdy, you go quiet. Let them come to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they won't be able to come. A technique I've never learnt. Bam, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Can we introduce our dance? That's the music out.

It's the making Charlie Dickin. Yay! Hello, we are doing a live Christmas show for Trusty Hogs. It's called Hog, Hog, Hog, ho, ho, like Ho, Ho, Ho, but Hog, Hog, Hog, and you can drink Egghog. It's like eggnog, but with bacon in it. Egghog. Only at the Bill Murray Pub on December the 18th for Trusty Hogg's life. Hog, Hogg, Hogg.

Bye. Hello, if you like trusty hogs, we're not join our Patreon. Listen, we have an extra episode every single week if you do, which is amazing. And you can listen to the backlog of them if you have just joined. You get all the 57 free ones that are already out. Additionally, we put up extra content, extra shows, extra live shows. And lately, an entire episode of a solving listener problems called the Mailbag Special Edition 1. There's some of my treats on there.

I think it's worth a fibre, if not more. Oh my God. Come on, you fucking little piggy haws. For five pounds a month, you get everything and you can be our best friend. I love how they're the whores, but we're asking for their money. Confusing.

Have a lovely day. Thank you, baby. Hello and welcome to our guest. No, it wasn't. You don't have to shout. How have you done to go and shouting? 61, 61, 61. Hello and welcome to our 60 first guest ever.

It's Charlie Dinkincky. Ray. Caroline. But it's never felt so good. Charlie, we've been having a debate about ages as appropriate to sleep with pupils. I say never. Harriet says fine when they're 10. That is absolutely not what happened.

And then before you... So this is what's happened. I'm listening to an audio book called The Teacher. Yeah. She last listened to it last night when she was in bed. I listened to it when I'm four. falling asleep. Is it a warning or is it like a fan fiction? You know, what's the tone? I'm just going to play you a clip from it.

I did. It's the tone. And I think it actually is a really bad audio book, but I'm enchanted by it. It's 50 chapters. I'm on chapter 22. I want a thought to listen to this with the listener for a moment. And I want anyone to write in if they've ever listened to anything of this level. Perhaps some cleavage. I placed the phone on the sink and took off my clothes, standing naked in the steamy bathroom, moving around. Assessing my angles The wake-up call

Hit me around the back of the head And feeling foolish I snapped the phone shut And thrust it into my pocket What was I thinking? I'd almost sent a naked photo of myself to him That's quality audio booking That is, M loves it, right?

Andrew? Yeah, it's interesting. It's interesting. It's from the perspective of the teacher About a pupil. Yeah, so this teacher She's a sexy teacher, having an affair with a sexy kids. She is married, and her daughter is at the school as well.

I know. It's horrible. But her daughter's not in this year group, because he, and this is the moral quandary, is in sixth form. So is it wrong? It's not a quandary. Is it wrong? No, it is wrong. Is it wrong?

He's a quandary. One day out of the sixth form. And you're a teacher at the school, but you're not his teacher. Oh. So, like, they finished, like, first day of something. holiday he's not a student you didn't even know him you didn't even see him you're you're in summer holiday teacher doing whatever you do in the summer that's interesting in the world where you're a teacher at thought park day one oh okay see him across the roller coastery story i'll read this to you

this feels like a personal story because my school we didn't have any teachers fucking students i don't think we had teachers fucking teachers and there is a guy from my year group who is now married to one of our teachers but they met again as adults yeah well how do you feel It doesn't count. Word doesn't count. They did teach. Sweet, that person taught you. They taught us in year eight and now they're married to a boy in my year, but they met again as adults.

Wait, but did they know the boy when he was in year, right? Yeah, they taught them, yeah. I don't like that. But then met again, like, 12 years later out of context. I just don't think you should have known someone as a child. Yeah, that's still weird, right? I don't know. See, I'm allowing that one, because I'm like they started fresh as adults.

You know them. So you have to go. around there for dinner. No, I don't know them like that. I don't go around there for dinner. But you know what? It's just one time. They're like together, right, in their whole relationship.

So just one time he's been like, yes, miss or something as a little joke and it's like really like shaking her to the core and she's had to go and have some therapy. And at some point, this is what I was thinking. At some point, she must have met his parents at parents evening. Well, she wants to about his parents as an adult if they're together, don't you? Yeah. And then again, as an adult. But then I know a guy from my ear group who went to their wedding and I went, like, who did

a speech about that? Who mentioned it? He was like, no one mentioned it. apparently it went silent. You can mention, you have to mention it. No, you can't be saying. It's the elephant in the room.

If you married a teacher, I wouldn't you want someone to mention it? What, do you know, just a normal teacher that I met? No, no, a teacher from your school. Wouldn't you think someone has to say something? I'm not really friends with anyone from my school, so maybe no one would know. Oh my God, why?

Oh my God, a school drama. This is my favorite thing at all time. I'm not actively not friends with anyone from my school. I just like, I had like... What did they fucking do? No, no, no one to... Well, they all just went, like, they did weird stuff, which I respect, but it's far away from me.

So my best friend, no, you're going to love this. My best friend from school, Sophie, she was, her parents are lawyers and she was going to be a lawyer, and then she, like, did all the lawyer things you have to do. Classic. And then she went on a Safari. This should be the sequel.

She went to South Africa, went on Safari. No, fell in love with a lion, loves lions, stayed in South Africa, is now a safari guide. That's crazy. Yeah. That was a wild... I was with you.

I thought she'd fucked a lion. Yeah, that's what I thought. Wait, so your best friend from school lives with lions in Africa. Yeah, she's like a safari guide in, I mean, I would be, I feel like I don't want to be like really judgmental, but if I turned up to South African safari and I had like Sophie from Kent driving my bus, I'd be like, we're not going to see anything. But I think she is very good at it. Oh my God, I really hope she's thriving. She's loving it. I saw her in the summer.

She loves it. She loves pangolins. She was talking to me about pangolins. We have absolutely nothing in common, but it's lovely to see her. Pangolins are so cute. I don't know what's a bangolin. It's your pangolin. A little pangolin

It's like a reptile thing They are they got like Armoured scales A sort of fat little armoured Armadilloy sort of a vibe It is armadilloy vibe You'd like a pangolin harrier I think you'd be very close for them

You got one up now Yeah you're happy If I can work with any animal I used to think it would always be penguins But every time I'm at a zoo Which is more than you'd think I'm definitely my family a zoo Like people in general

Another caged animal I go to a zoo I'd say about twice a year Differences Way more than average because my sister loves zoos So our family very much revolves around Like you have to someone at St Marianne to a zoo She can come with us She'd do a farm, yeah

You wouldn't want to go with her though She's very violent We could go on the same day but separately maybe Okay that's fair let's do that Yeah yeah I always thought I'd be like a penguin person Because I really got happy feet In a way that I think other people didn't

You thought they were stinky They smell so bad. I know that's what the issue would be. I can't work with it. They reek. Penguins are bad, man. No. Do you not think they smell?

You just went to some stinky ones. No, no. All of them. And I'm talking over like 20 zoos at this point. We went to a penguin enclosure in Turkey or something and it didn't smell. Bullshit. It was very airy. It was outside.

It still smells in the outside ones. London Zoo they're outside half of them. I think I don't accept it maybe that it's like part of the penguin thing and you just have to accept it. also you're so judgmental I'm not judgmental because it's the other thing about penguins is you think they're really lovely

because they like mate for life right no you as in like the royal you just think they made for life it's very lovely the royal you yes but like because they make the life and they're like really protective over

like this is my bitch don't you fucking get close to her and it's like it's not very like welcoming for new penguins very like a Kent male but some penguins are getting do you know that okay someone's watching an episode of

Parks and Recreation. Really? One of the first ever children's book I ever came across that was like about a not heterosexual relationship at the centre was about two penguins and it was based on real penguins in a zoo who were apparently in love. Okay, number one, you didn't read the rainbow

fish, which is mad. What? No, literally, this was when I was at university. Someone showed it to me and I was like, oh my God, a whole new world. There's a book about gay penguins? Yeah. Oh, Andrew, can we get copies for all of us for Christmas? Oh, I need to get Mabel, a penguin. Please sign up for our Patreon so we can all buy

the gay penguin book. It's called And Tango Makes Three. Yeah, and they got given a baby. They got given a baby and they raised it. I'm buying that from Mabel for her first birthday. That's what I'm buying. I love that. Okay, I'm amazing.

Andrew, can you remind me at the end? I've already forgotten what it's called. Yeah. Thank you. And there's tango and a baby. I, um, for like my children's books I read. Like, I remember like each peach pear plum. Do you remember that one?

That was like, thank you. And then it was Biff, Chip and Kipper, which were the learning to read books. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't remember this at all. Yeah. I don't think I really remember anything about early children. No, I tell you, I know what you read. I can feel it from you.

I reckon you would have been an original Meg Cab at Princess Diaries. I love, I know, I love the Princess Diaries. You have such me as Thermopoulos Renaudi energy. I love the Princess Diaries. And then I have like one friend, she's my friend who's like...

Oh my God, what does she do? No, no, who like was a child when I was like... She now like lives in Asia and works on monkeys. No, no, no. She's great. She's called Molly. She's like 18. She's like the only 18 year old I know

because she was born. when I was a teen she's like a family friend okay that's fine that's fine she was the only child I knew when I was like a teenager and I really remember her trying to read the princess diaries to me when she was like seven or eight and she obviously couldn't understand a single word of what she was saying and I was like this is the greatest bonding moment

with any child I've ever had in my life it was so cute so yeah I love a princess diaries it was a good book did you ever read them I know I watched the film is it the same film it's the book exactly the same it's the same but it's like I remember the books because it's like I would pretend to read at school a lot like what are the Oh, and her book's upside down.

And then everyone's like, oh, no. There was a small period at our school where reading was a status symbol. Like, you know, like phases at school, like, there's pogs, there's hula hooping. Ellen was a nerd. Ellen was in the nerd group. Pokemon cards or whatever. Suddenly it was cool to read. Reading was in for like two months.

I'm not joking. It was like a whole thing. It was year five. Year five reading was in. I think it was. What did you read? What did you pretend to read in that period? I pretended to read the Amber Spyglass.

by Philip Pullman because it was such a and it felt like big, big was better that's how it felt like it wasn't big thick book meant big thick girl the rule of carrying on

through my life so I would hold big thick book and I would have the amber spy glass and I had no fucking clue what was happening absolutely no idea and I would just turn pages guessing and like what was happening around me

but it felt like a status symbol what is reading but turning pages and guessing but I was still Jacqueline Wilson and Princess Diaries I love Princess Diaries like that was my level because I went from Biff, Biff, Chip and Kipper to Jacqueline Wilson.

Do you know these books? Yeah, Biff, Chip. I don't, I don't, I remember, I remember the characters vaguely. They were like friends who had a dog and they taught you how to read. Yeah, yeah. I feel like you're both fighting. Who? Jennifer Yellow Hat.

Who's Jennifer Yellow Hat? What? I know. I'm Jennifer Yellow Hat ringing any bells? No. I had a hat. When other people talk about childhood, I just feel like I'm hallucinated.

Not for me, sorry. Are you not reading baby books now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you on Rainbow Fesh? No, we've got hungry caterpillar. Great one. We've got some that, like, you press and then, like, it makes a noise

and she, like, pleases her mind. They've got some ones with doors or flaps. Yeah, fucking love the flaps. Yeah, it's a whole new world. And is she the age where every time is a surprise, even though it's the same thing. Yeah, it's like, come on. You know, like, you know.

You know, we've been in it every day. You're like, Jesus Christ. But this is the thing. It comes back to the audio book I'm listening to. It's a wonderful way of experiencing a medium. I only because, say, partner. So one of a way of experiencing a relationship with a child. You're an amazing comedy writer.

I read something recently because I'm in like a writing rut where I feel like anything I had to say, I've sort of said. So I was like. Oh, what? I can't think of like any... I have that all the time, yeah. Every new idea, no joke, every new idea I have or any time I write down, no, no, no, I go back to me and I think,

oh, I've sort of said that, but just in a different way. Yeah, but that's all it is. Some people make whole careers out of that. Well, I feel like I have, and now it's ending, and it's ending prematurely, but I've... Are you serious? It's over. So what do you see as your primary message that you've covered so thoroughly?

Tits. Tragedy porn, to be honest. Oh, no. On the left poop. Oh, my tits so good. Oh, look at my teeth. This is you with a pen. Try to think about something about politics.

Free it? Should we free it? No, because I also think the free the nipple moment was fucking insane. We were so close to equal pay and then we got distracted. Like the thick fucking bitches we are. Yeah, every time. So annoying. Every time.

We were so close to doing the equal pay stuff. And then we suddenly got free the nipple mad. And it's like, come on, gals. We've got to really regroup here. Yeah. But I read. And this, I think, is true, that the best way to create is to intake. Yeah, I love that.

So you intake stories. See other people's ideas. Yeah, exactly. If I watch a new film a week. Yes. If I constantly listen to audio books and I'm constantly reading, then no, no, no, I've upped it. Like, I'm reading books, listening to books and watching a brand new film every, like, a brand new film. You're doing that every day, you're watching, there's things happening.

Like, you're constantly like, I'm in taking more. She's like, I'm not absorbing anything. Yeah, but she's not absorbed. Absolutely. I'm a sponge now. But it's hard because in my normal life, I will listen to like a murder podcast they go to bed, which inherently is like

the same story over and over again. It is the same story over and over again. I agree. Women kill, man, do it. Sad, sad. Like, okay, we get it. That's it. That's the whole genre. And then two American women going,

oh my God. No, even though it's like you've been recording a murder podcast for two years. How are you surprised? You like two women talking about a murder, not like, welcome to this episode of big murder. Phoebe Judd, you're doing now.

That's what they all sound like, don't they? No, I like the... There's a twist at the end we'll tell you in episode eight. Okay, so you've gone for the classy murder podcast. Yeah, that's what I like. That's what helps me fall asleep. I do the two American going,

oh my God, how are you? Karen, Georgia! And they're like, oh my God, oh my God. And they're like, oh my God. And then she died. What? No. And it's like, okay, it's been a death every single week

for like six years. And they're still... It's Mabel. It's Mabel and the books. That's what it is. Do you not listen to any of these podcasts? No, it's not for me. I don't know. It's too...

I think it's bleak. I think it's so... And I don't want to bring the mood down, but... I think it's really wrong. What do you listen to? The thing about me is I'm just really against murder. Like, it's just a thing about me. I just, I really like...

I just think murder's bad. Even the entertaining murders. Oh, okay, maybe. No, I think it's bad. I think we shouldn't be listed. I think it's so horrible for the victims and the family. The victim doesn't know. They're dead.

like you just being like oh isn't it isn't it fun she's got to absorb it so she has something to write yeah it's about my stories she's got to start talking about it she's got to listen to it you'd be amazed how many times tips come up a murder podcast no I wouldn't the amount of times it ends of being like but she deserved it because she was wearing a low cup top like yeah and it's sad that's what we live in but I'm in taking a lot of stories so I can create better stories and I think it's inherently good for me but it also means that now also alongside that I read that book into the words. Have you read it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I've read the first few things. Yeah, I read the back cover. Every comedian has read it and I only read

it because like, I had like six. So there's this thing called general meetings where you go in as a comedian or a writer or a creative and you talk over ideas for like TV shows or films that you have and you sort of like talk to the idea and often they go, we love it and then they never email back or they'll say it's already been made and you go, oh, poor Helen and then you leave, either way you leave a bit sad, right? and every single meeting I had they went Have you

Oh what's your background With her screenwriting And I'll be like My name's Helen I did English GCSE And then they'll be like Have you read this book And I'll be like no

And people in a meeting Are saying to you You're going in A professional person Saying I want to tell you some ideas And they're like Have you read a book? I'm sorry

Have you ever read a book here? I think that's rude Every meeting I had For like a month They were like Do you know what a film is? I think it's cause This is my defence

Or their defence It's because every meeting I had for a month I would start with What does the Third Reich And the Cold War have in common No rom-coms And then Right

See I thought that was a gripping beginning Of the bed of it Which I think is a gripping start to a pitch I think it is as well Yes But it turns I think it feels like You're about to tell a joke or something

And then you're like Then you just say one of the maddest things. No, rom-coms. Yeah, Roncombe, yeah. Is that really that mad? I thought it was like quite... They're listening to that and they're going, this is a woman who doesn't understand storytelling

because she's just said one of the madest things ever. I'm in taking stories, but also reading this book and then watching stuff, I'm like, every single thing is exactly the same. There is no unique idea. We're all trash. Like, everything's the same. Yeah. Like, apart from...

Elf. Like, the obscene anomalies like being John Malkovich. Elf is the same as everything. So it's not the same as... Elf is the same as everything. It's pretty different. No, it's not. You just think it's the same because everything now is like El. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone wants to be Elf.

Yeah, that's what you think. No. My... Elf is not a movie. No. I don't think that. No. Drop dead friend.

Yeah, but sort of like someone that teaches you about the joy and the... If you think Elf and drop dead Fred are the same, then I think you should read a book. I did read it. And I'm reading a book at the moment. Teacher doesn't count. Not the teacher. That's another book I'm in taking.

It's not a book. I'm reading a sexy little... That is pornographic. Tell me, right, how is this sexy? A teacher sending explicit photos to a student. It was like a headline from a tabloid newspaper. And I cringed... Sitting on the toilet.

And every time I'm not sleeping one at the moment, it's like, because you're reading to your stories all night. I love that. I love the energy of that. Do you not listen to anything when you go to sleep? I don't listen to stuff when I go to sleep. Well, my boyfriend watches the TV, and I literally fall asleep with the TV full on and blaring.

I actually think if there was an emergency, I would not be able to wake up now because I'm so good. But also, I think you and him actually would get on way better than he and I get on. Oh, we do, we do. It'll get like 11.30 a night, and he'll be like, well, she's going to put a film. I'm on. It's like, sorry what? And then I'll be like,

Shinless list. Yeah. Why? They should all be in a relationship with, you should all be in relationship with Bobby as well. It's upsetting the things that I... Yeah, you're still, Ben and Bobby were on way... When me and Bobby are the same person, we have figured that out before, and Ben and I are very much like, ooh!

I just have the voice dysregulation thing that Bobby has as well. I just thought about that earlier. At least I'm talking into the microphone, how about that? I just thought that earlier. I just thought I should mention that. Look, I think going to sleep with the TV on is absolutely fine. I do it. I've stopped doing it, because I was doing it to pretty little liars

and then I got lost in the storyline. Yeah, yeah, that's what you sacrificed the end of every... I've seen the beginning of every film. But never the end of them. Never the end. Tell you what, you really want to watch the end of Shinders list

because you just watch the beginning it's very upsetting. I'd highly recommend the whole film. You feel the end is not upsetting of Shindler's list. Isn't the end of Shindler's list that they're the ones that were saved? Yeah, but... Or does it...

For all the people that are saved. It's still bad. Obviously it's still bad. I want to be very clear there. I think it's bad. Sorry. His list should have been longer. His list should have been longer. His list should have been longer.

Right? That's what we were fighting. Like, what's missing from Schindler's list, it isn't a rom-com. I, from what you've been... Stop it! Stop it! Is that not a rom-com element to Shinders' list? What you've been consuming, I can't wait to watch your next show,

which is going to be, um, Shindler, Shinders List. It's just all about just murder, Shinders. And then at the end, it's going to go, I was sat on the toilet. Suddenly realised. But I think that dating people's is good. Should we solve a listener problem? I'd love to do that. Andrew, give us a really hard one

because I feel like between the three of us we can solve anything. Good brains, yeah. Okay, I'm kind of tempted to just really throw you an awful one now. Throw us an awful one, do it? We can fix it. Oh, no, we mustn't say fix it. And it's because of...

What? Why can't you say fix it? Jim ruins all the fix it. We can't say fix it. Because of Jim, Jim. Jim will fix it. Your letter is only the start of it. One letter.

And now you're a part of it. Jim will fix it. Oh, Christ, alive. Why do you know all the words? I'm so sorry, listener at home. I'm not a drama school audition song. That's not my shot. No, I don't know why I know it.

My brain is odd. There was quite a harrowing one, but I think that would be disrespectful to the listening who'd written in. So I've gone for a middle ground problem. problem for you. Okay, we can do middle round. Hi, all. I'm a big fan of the pod with Helen embodying my big

personality, but Catherine bringing my Irish Catholic guilt and repression. So if one of you guys could bring some guilt and repression to the English accent best. Oh, hello. Carrier Catherine. Oh, my God. I'm not going to try. I work

with Catherine. That was worse than Helen. Do you work very close to the Catherine. Oh, hello. Hello. I'm emailing as I'm looking for some impartial advice. Okay, we're ready to give it. As when I ask my friends, they just tell me I'm fine and I should not worry about it

and I know they're all getting sick of hearing about it. Yeah, and your friends are lying whores. I can tell you that for nothing. I'm a gay man in my mid-20s. Yes. Fem, but more in a camp Julian Clary way than a cool sexy TikTok way. Incredible. Yeah, I get it. I like it.

Amazing. We totally understand the vibe. Good luck in Panto this season. I've never had anything resembling a relationship despite being openly gay since I was 16. I don't think there's any way for me to be more available to go for dates as I go on plenty, but the guys never bite afterwards. I'm writing to ask for advice on how to get past the frustration at the fact I'm failing to do something that everyone else around me

to just be able to do. I just always feel angry about the fact that I'm alone and it's starting to affect other parts of my life. I hope you may have some advice for how I can help let go of this because I'm afraid I'll feel this way until I find a relationship, something that I'm becoming afraid may just not be on the cards for me. I keep myself fairly busy. I've got doing a PhD

I go to the gym often The theatre etc But it's gone to the point Where I can't let my mind Wonder Without the loneliness Creeping forward So yeah

Trying to keep himself busy But his mind still on kind of Not having a relationship Any advice thoughts Would be much to appreciate As a 30 year old He's never had a relationship This is from Dee by the way

Hi Dee I think just It will happen when it happens And I understand That's the worst thing to say Because I get that all the time You'd be like, no, you have one happens. Both of us know, deep down day,

that we could have had a relationship by now. You can do it. But it's not necessarily the right person. And even if you feel like they're rejecting you, it's probably because they're not the right person for you because you don't want to go out with someone that's not into you. You just don't. But I'm also aware going out with somebody who's really into you as fucking gross as well.

Like that's for me as worse. You know when they're like so into you. Do you remember that? I know that you think that and it's so nuts that you think that. Do you remember that guy? Yeah. That I was going out with a couple years ago. I stand by that that person was probably not the right person

for you but agreed I think you got the ick very quickly so far for a small for no reason there was like really not a if anything you were just a bit nice I knew it my body I knew it I knew it I felt it then that's fine then you shouldn't be with that part yeah yeah yeah I felt it but like if you are so desperate for a relationship I swear people can feel it in the same way people can feel it when someone is desperate for friends you know when they're sort of like really pushing it like it happens quite a bit for all of us in like comedy someone really wants to be friends with like a certain comedian that they're a fan of. And it's exhausting for me.

I'm pretending I'm the person ever want to be friends. No, I got it. I got it. Yeah, no, it's just fun. Just didn't like it. Yeah. I hated it actually. I actively hated it. It's like a fun thing where I pretended I was that person.

But don't you think just to like chill out and it will happen? I think it's so hard because at that age I think that it suddenly feels but but I know many people that settle down with people that weren't good enough for them. And you could do that easily. List them. You could find. I'm loser. Name, some, name.

Bobby Maher. That was really mean actually. That was really nasty, I'm sorry. No, but you could easily get like some loser somewhere and just have a boring time, but you just haven't met the fun person yet. And when you meet that person, like everything will be great.

And so you just, it's so hard to say this, but you just have to try and like have fun and not think about it because soon you will be bogged down in a relationship and you'll just be in it and it'll be so shit and like, blah, blah, blah. But you need to enjoy the fun times beforehand. Yeah, I think that's right.

Wife of the year, Harriet Calfley. Charlie Dinkin. I think that sometimes when you've been in a relationship for a while, you start thinking, on the other hand, it's like, oh, I loved it when I could, like, hang out with my friends and, like, be with my friends. And I think it's worth remembering in these times that, like, first of all, one person can't give you everything

and shouldn't give you everything. And that's the thing you learn when you have been in a relationship for a while. that's like a bad thing anyway. But Sunil should be able to provide everything. Actually, you and Sunil are a very good model of this, which is like some relationships are like super valuable good relationships that like make you very happy. It's like I have like an extreme best friend from my university life.

And it's like, I like my boyfriend, but like I also probably like her equal. You know what I mean? It's like, and it's your advice first, which is like you don't have to stress about it. You don't have to worry about it. You'll meet the right person when you meet them. Obviously you just could have been out with random people if you were like so desperate to do that. But also it's like who are those other people

that give you like valuable bits of things and experiences and partnership and friendship that you enjoy? And like really like loving and appreciating that because you won't have that forever either. It's just I know that feeling because like I had periods when like I didn't like date before ages and you feel like there's something wrong with you and everyone else is settling down.

Like it does like it just feel like you think it must be me and it's not at all. They're just like... I mean, look, I'm saying this more for myself and listening to this advice because I'm older than you and haven't done a proper relationship ever. So it's so frustrating

because everyone's like, oh, it will happen, but like it will, because you can settle at any point and like it feels like the guys that you really like don't like you back, but they're just not the right ones. And like, that's it. But I will say, I think we should quickly defact to the gay corner of the room. Andrew, gay men in London, any actual advice?

Well, I feel I can't help with the London thing because I've only been in a relationship in London, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've moved to the city. With a boyfriend. With a boyfriend, yeah. But yeah, I don't know, it is really,

in the gay community especially, it does feel like there's a lack of interest in exploring relationships. Casual sex is definitely a sort of name of the game. And even sort of spaces to meet other gay men a lot of people even there will be for casual sex you know a lot of venues are kind of set up to be more

passionate one night stands and stuff like that or disappointing one night stands whatever floats your boat but generally there's no yeah it does seem a lot harder um I think uh from what I've experienced having been through various one night stands obviously in Bournemouth rather than than in London um they're ghosting yeah I've been ghosted lots of times thank you yes ghosted more times and Ebenezer Scrooge thank you thank you That's really funny.

Really bad. Lost a lot of self-esteem. Lost a lot of himself, actually. I did, yeah. Good times, good times. I just gave a lot of myself, a lot of money. 1,400 pounds on Premier Inns. Yeah, it was a tough of time.

One of them just by himself. You're all right, Harriet. Don't be upset. And these are the nights we remember forever. Everything's premier about the price. Adds up, though. It does add up. It does add up.

Point is, I don't know what the point is. It's bad. It's bad. But you will, I think, I agree with Helen. It will happen at some point. I think you, as you can go through lots of sort of casual relationships and hookups and that. But you will just be wasting your time and you're, uh, racking up premiering expenses that aren't worth it at the end of the day.

Not everyone is racking up. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're all spending. It's more what the premier expense represents rather than the exact expense. I just think this is like, like if anyone listening, like dating does not equate to premier in Andrew's case

it did but you don't have to spend money on premiere to date or find a partner yeah exactly but it doesn't hurt no yeah it's always it's a nice

it's a nice room you know what you're getting exactly you do know what you're getting the pillows are quality no that's on top the Wi-Fi's free the Wi-Fi's free the Wi-Fi's free I think I agree as well

sometimes if it was a guy I really wanted to impress a word buy breakfast we in a spash out anyway point is especially in the gay community I think it deserves you know you need to steal yourself a little bit and really kind of

hold out for the right person because it's very easy to fall into being mistreated just because you would like a cuddle over a hookup I know I would genuinely go for quite a few hookups because I wanted to be cuddled afterwards so don't you know

don't give too much of yourself in that pursuit because it's not worth it a button to the end of this advice Please. Maybe you're not gay. Maybe you're meant to be with me. Please, do you email us back if you'd like to be in a relationship with Helen Bowie? I think it's something to consider.

Two birds with one stone here. So I always wonder whether the person that I'll end up with would have been similar to me as far as being like, oh, you're not. No, that's not right. Oh, just like, just casual dating and then just sort of like they'll meet me in. And they'll be like, that's it. Let's get married on Castaway Key and Disney World. Yeah. Yeah, he is gay though.

But he'd love Castaway Key in Disney World, to be fair. to Disney. Who wouldn't, look, I think if you just put out, the wedding's booked. No,

could you imagine the freaky-dikis I'd get? Someone would turn up though, you know what I mean? Someone would show up. Last resort, book yourself a wedding at Disney's castaway key

to six months from now, publicise it widely, put budget into publicity. At the end of every Married at First Side episode this last season, Sneer was like, go on, get on the number,

get the address, can the address, go on do it. I'd love to see you on Married at first sight. I would be a nightmare, because I would know, I'd know so quickly. Because you can feel it, you can really feel it.

It would be a nightmare. People always get me wrong. They'd set me up with an absolute mess. What do you want? Someone dependable and really loving and you can like go through all my jokey bullshit and like see past it to like someone who's actually a human. Because I put up such a like,

but I want someone to love me and have deep proper chats with me. I think it comes. I think, do you remember when Lady Gaga was promoting a star is born. Honestly, this is the most catch-all advice I've ever heard of anything. No, but I need this. You know, she kept going around and she was like, I'm not going to quit her exactly, but she

said it enough, I should be able to. She was like, there can be 100 people in a room and 99 people won't see you, but just one person will like, you're Lady Gaga and he's Bradley Cooper and then you went an Oscar. That wasn't that. Harry, I'm understanding this. But you only need, it really is the one person, you only

need the one person, but that does mean that you probably got like, meet 99 people. That's the thing, and I think I've only done like 12. yeah yeah yeah oh that's a lot to go through 12 yeah 12 like people like dated

okay yeah yeah you've got another you got a lot to go I know that's the thing but you couldn't meet them at any time and I haven't dated in ages now well maybe that's it

so it's like you got to just rack you do have to rack up someone it's a numbers game you have to go into it with the yeah but how many did you meet before Bob oh way actually yeah no I've heard you on stage

the hateful 80s out of I wanted a fun time. I also dated loads of people. Loads of people. Yeah. And then you both have great relationships. I think one thing that I... But then also what happens to Saneal?

This is the thing. This is the age of conjuring me and Soneil. Like, happens if he finds love or I find love. What happens to the other one? Oh, they get discarded. He gets out to trash. No, this is my one piece of advice that actually is made. Anyway, good advice.

He's your best friend. I think Sinal would be fine to be discarded. No. He's very fragile. He wants to be loved. No, so this is my one thing advice. I, for a long time, like, I couldn't meet anyone that liked me or, like, understood me. I couldn't, like, I just found it really hard.

And then doing something like stand-up or something what you, like, and I mean, I would not recommend ever dating anyone in stand-up, but, like, doing something that you, yes, I know, obviously. Are you married? Yes, I've made my mistakes. But you should do something that you, like, do something that you love or that you're interested in or just find something, and then you'll meet people. because otherwise if you're just meeting people on nights out or things like that,

it can feel a bit like empty. Yeah. And then you meet people that are like, have brains like you. And that's what you're like, you need brains like you. So you have to do those kind of things. I would also say maybe if you do feel a connection with somebody, because he says in the email that like people aren't biting afterwards.

Yeah. Sometimes you do need a bit of initiative yourself because like, lots of times people might not follow up for various reasons. They might just be a bit anxious about it or, you know, if they're low on money, they might be like, oh, I can't afford another day. So if you, sometimes you have to take the initiative in spearhead. You do have to definitely think so. You feel like there might be something there.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. There's a couple of times that I wish I would have thrown myself out in situations earlier instead of like going like, oh no, I do fancy you and I sort of left it a bit too late now. And like you're sort of like now doing that. Yeah. Yeah.

But maybe you should take Helen's other advice from earlier that was like, because you're like reading a lot of things, right, to be able to like write something. Yes. So it's like. In taking to creating. But, but yeah. So like what modern. of a relationship can you like look at and explore and think about that like help you more clearly know what the thing is you want because if you're better at articulating what you want it doesn't mean you have to say it to the other person minute one but it's like you just have a better sense at the start of what the thing is so that you don't have to be like is this gonna be it and then be like oh no I like my sister and her hamster I'd say for me as like one of the best relationships I've ever seen it's definitely a feeder like relationship but she didn't She wanted a hamster.

She knew she wanted it. Hamps didn't have a choice, but hamster gets lots of food. Everyone happy. Yeah. Or I think just date, you have to date at least three people at the same time. Until one of them is like, I've seen that episode of friends, Phoebe struggles at two. No, it's, you have to do it. Administratively, but not emotionally.

Yeah. But I feel like we're now talking about me and not D. Yes, it applies to both. Okay, um, Dee, how about this? You go on three dates before. let's say Valentine's Day that's like two months right I think he said he was dating though

okay you go on three dates before Valentine's Day I'll go on three dates for Valentine's Day and then write back into us and we will do a debrief how about that that's fair that sounds pretty good but like genuinely both of us put ourselves out there on those dates and like if we like them like go for it have you been doing internet dating

not for ages no internet dating even though it's like apps have you been doing any asking friends to introduce you to people never done that I think you should try that. I think everyone should try it. Everybody that we know is, we know all their problems. No, they must know other. People you know must know other people you know must know other people. Harry just want to do it. She's like, I don't want to do it. I've done about anyone

for Helen. No, Harry, it's like, I can't think. Do you know my friend Sunil Patel? You live nearby. Could you imagine being like, this is my friend Sunil. He's emotionally available for you all the time. Everybody I know is in comedy. And so we just know, and then you just know all their problems. But I'd already know them as well. So it wouldn't be like I'd get to know of the day, it'd be like, oh, are you at the chuckle factory this weekend, or? Okay, well, thank you so much. I'm going to think on it. I'm going to think on it.

Think on it, think on it. Let me know. I just think a bit of, like, friend of a friend dating. I did it, and, like, sometimes it didn't work out that well, and it was, like, kind of awkward. And it was like, oh, we're not going to be together and we have mutual friends. But it wasn't unbearably awkward. It was like, oh, okay. And then I haven't really seen them that much.

But there is, like, a little bit of vetting and, like, I don't know. If you just want an alternative. I just think you should, like, try things widely. You've got to go and say. Okay, Andrew, we need to think of someone as well. For you? Yeah.

Yeah. No, because everyone in this room was in a relationship and Catherine's not here, but Catherine's in a relationship. I feel like you've really made this problem about you. So I have, I have. This is something they really help. And also, Dee, tell us more about you

and we will find someone for you too. Thank you very much. You're fresh and matchmaking stuff. Yeah. Maybe someone will be interested. I think that's a good. Yeah, maybe somebody listening. If you want to write in and then we can sit you up on a date.

Trustee Hog's crush. Okay. email us in if you're also single. Okay, well, can we just say thank you to Harriet and Charlie? Can we? I want to talk about Seance cast. Oh, yeah, please. No, I tell.

Charlie, can you tell us what you're up to at the moment, even though I know? I have made season two of a podcast called Seance Cast that you can go and please go and listen to it. I don't know how many people, I don't think many people listen to it. It's so good. I've heard great things. So hard on it, like unreasonably hard. It's not scary at all. It's written by myself and Zoe Tomlin

We're both like good comedy writers We're working professional comedy writers Who are women, we know how to do it And we're joined by 15 new and emerging Women and Non-Binerary Comedy Writers Every series So 30, 30 amazing writers have written on this show The cast is amazing

Sinil is in it Chris Cantrell Yeah, we love Chris Cantrell Sophie, Ellen Robertson Like so many, so so so many amazing people come and do it. It's like kind of outrageous that we got to do it at all. Please listen to it. Please tell your friends about it. Please message me if you like it.

We'll put all the links up. So please definitely go check that out and check out Charlie Dinkin online as well. And Harriet Kemsley obviously. Thank you Harry for coming on. Thank you very much. It's the beginning of December. Is anything a letter of your tour? You've got some tour days. Yes. So is this

the first? Yes. I'm in Manchester tonight. Get there. Run! Run! I'm in Manchester. Run! Just made my nose run. Because I got Oh my God I'm in Norwich Oh I know where you are in Norwich A couple of Dressy Hogg's listeners came to see me in Norwich

You're in Voodoo Daddies, aren't you? Maddest pizza menu of all time You are going to lose your fucking mind And then finally I'm ending at the Gobenkian In Canterbury big hometown gig So come support Kent please Oh Kent please I thought you should turn it wrong

Who's coming from your youth Who's going to be the biggest surprise um probably my sister um no i don't know i hopefully i've just i'm i am it does feel nerve-backing doing things because i'm like oh god this is going to be you know there's like there's like there's a lot of go on harriet's website all the links will be there just down below and um go see honeysuckle island it's a fucking incredible show can you just go do all of things and also listen to the teacher and audible and then let me know if you think it's good as well and then and then how about this how about you give us a lovely rating and review on apple

iTunes. We will only take five stars. And please go on YouTube and like the video and hit the subscribe button. Yes. And there is a glitch. If you go on Apple Podcasts, there is a glitch where you can give less than five stars. But please don't do that. Yeah, it's all mistake.

It's meant to just be... Does someone give us less than five stars? Um, let's not get into it, shall we? No! Okay, well, thank you so much for listening. Well done, Helen. Merry Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Merry Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, it is snowing on the day. Rain deer everywhere running around.

Thank you.