Trusty Hogs - Ep62. MARY O'CONNELL / Politics, Periods & Private Schools

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

Rising star comic Mary O'Connell joins us this week as Catherine returns to the festive fold, with revelations of an evil streak... meanwhile Helen blows the lid off reality TV competitions with a food based conspiracy theory & an ice cream cake / political tangent!FOLLOW MARY: @MaryWithTheGoldShoesThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer @CatherineBohart @StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on Back to School. foods at Whole Foods Market. Hello, if you like Trustee Hoggs,

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Come on, you fucking little piggy haws. join us for five pounds a month. You get everything and you can be our best friend. I love how they're the whores, but we're asking for their money. Confusing. Have a lovely day. Thank you, baby. Hello.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. The thing is, for one selling, we're in total agreement. I fucking love Christmas. It's trusty hogs. Catherine's so happy. Oh, because I was sick for so long. I was sick for like three and a half weeks with bronchitis. I finished all of my Christmas shopping.

Boom, boom, boom. I just want to enjoy the Christmas season. I hate you and I love you at the same time. You put up your Christmas tree in November. Yes. You don't get to judge me. Yes. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited for you. Through the fog. Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give me your problems and they will solve them. Or maybe they won't and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on me. Tech.

Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hogs. Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not. Welcome to Trusty Hogs, the podcast where me, Helen Bauer and my friend, Catherine Boehart, amazing comedian, curly girl expert and all-round type-puss. Discuss our lives, what's happening with us. We're supported by M and Andrew,

and then you write in your problems and we're like, whoa, you guys are fucking idiots. Crazy at there. Idiots. And then we say thank you and see you next week. Yeah. It's trusty hogs. Hi.

Helen, you said two truths and a lie. My puss is tight. Yes. I am a good comedian. But the other day you texted me and said we weren't really friends. Oh, I thought we were bantering. I found it quite hurtful. I was like, let's find a date to hang out.

And you were like, yeah, yeah. I'm just currently trying to work out some dates with some of my friends. I see as I sent it. When I worked out my dates with my friends, I'll see what I have. I've left for you. I was like, oh my God, well, this is that I pointed it out. And you were like, yeah, I guess I think of us more as like a budd situation. And I was like, fucking knife me in the heart.

Why don't you? That was where the banter came in with the, oh, I've messed up here by referring to you as a non-friend, which I was trying to sort out dates with friends. And I would, you are another friend, but I already had these other dates and drama in. Which, to be honest, I fucked it with the other friends as well because we kept him talking about seeing my neighbour Totero and it is completely sold out and we were trying to find a date for something that was sold out.

Yeah. At the Barbican. Yeah, boy. Georgie went to see it and she said it was really good. Yeah, apparently it's really good. Yeah, she had a really nice evening, I'll be honest with you. But we got a date. Andrew?

Yeah, sorry. Andrew, I just heard your phone playing a video. Are you watching other content while we try to make gold over here? No, what happens is the Monzo, when you pay somebody on Monzo, it goes, I was just paying you for your coffee, sorry. Apology. Carry on, you can pay me back to money.

I can't believe you yelled at him for paying you for your coffee. Particularly seeing as you ordered a coffee, you didn't like it because you took a risk. Toffee nut. With a toffee nut. I knew it was a bad choice. Blah, I don't like it. Because toffee's not a nut. Yeah, you're so right.

And also it tasted of, oh my God, I've got so much beef with nuts at the moment. I love nuts. No, no, no. But it wasn't nutty. The nut community has taken it too far. at this point. Interesting. I saw a petite woman on Instagram and I've been...

So you're already livid. Like, I'm already... Why? Why? That's mad. My algorithm is just pure fatis and it should be always that way. She was basically saying like, guys,

I just heard this amazing thing that if you take a date, you open it up, put a walnut in it and some peanut butter, dip it in chocolate and freeze it. It tastes like a snickers. And it's like, it won't. And then she does the whole thing. she puts a bit of seesaw on it, which is mad,

because I don't think Snickers is a seesaw on the top. She bites into it and she goes, no way! And that's the whole thing. Like, that is... I think like, no way. It doesn't and I wasted all these expensive ingredients. She just says no way.

And there's no way it tastes like a Snickers. Yeah, obviously. Also, that's like a Snickers that costs like eight times the price of a Snickers. It's walnut propaganda. Also, you know what's delicious? What? Snickers. Snickers.

Leave Snickers alone. Hey, a couple of parish announcements. One, I was sick for three and a half weeks. So I did do all of my... Christmas shopping, I've also sorted out every drawer in my house if anyone was worried. Oh, because they got so messy had they? Yes, Helen.

One paperclip out of place. The systems were all. I'll never survive. Oh God, do you think there is one out of place? No, that was a joke. That was 100% a joke. I wouldn't be like that bad, babe. Okay. Announcement number two is that despite us not even being friends, it seems, my actual

friends go on holidays now and they don't bring me back gifts. Well, actually, that's a lie they do. Who didn't bring you back your gift? But they also bring you back gifts. And you seem to be the priority when they're given over. They're like, to be clear, that's for Helen. That's for Helen.

Oh, my God. Okay, silly me for thinking this was all for me. Wait, do you have a gift for me then? Well, Georgie went to Disneyland with her family. Georgie! Here's a lollipop with Mickey Mouse on it. And mini mouse on it. And the lollipop is genuinely as big as Helen's head.

It's crazy. Or at least a tip. Sour-toity fruity lollipop naturally and artificial. flavoured. Helen, look at me. Oh my God. Helen, look at me. You are not. And I repeat. Not to eat it on the podcast. Thank you. Okay, good. Georgie, thank you

so, so, so, so, so much. Yeah, so you're welcome. And I'm glad that my friend got you a gift while she was thinking of you. Isn't that sweet? Oh my God. And I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I know. That's what's so magical. It's lovely. It's really lovely. Thank you, Georgie. I appreciate it. My friends never

buy you anything. Yeah, no, I've noticed. Nothing. I guess they don't even really. Think of me as your friend. No, bud. They always say, how's your bud, Catherine, doing? How's that employer of yours? Oh, I'm like, employer.

Actually, you know what? I wanted to argue it. And then it's like, yeah. No, no. No, this is the best of both because I think we're, like, I'm a cool boss and we're friends and you're like, I think of you as neither.

You're a cool boss, but I do have this new verbal tick on stage where I say something in the audience, like, oh, no, not, don't say that. And I go, my name's been Catherine Bohart at the end. And like the five podcast listeners laugh loads. And everyone else is like, what? I thought Catherine Brayor was Irish. And it's sort of like, I'll go into a grey area of material.

I'm just like, this is my new favourite out of all time. Sorry, you're just saying problematic shit. And with you, I know, I've got voice recordings of me on stage going, anyone's wondering, my name is Catherine Bayhart. It's got bad. You're a shit bag. I know. You're a shit bag.

I don't like that either, but it's become who I am now. Oh, my goodness. I've become very honest on stage recently. Yeah, but that's not honest. That's the opposite of honest. I don't know what honest means. I'm actually sick of people saying I'm just being honest. This morning, my girlfriend...

Was just being honest? Yeah, but she is constantly honest. And I'm like, please lie to me more. And so she... We were doing her, like, worst fears because it was the morning and we're lesbians. So I was like... Wait, wait, wait.

So you wake up and you go, let's jump into a deeper meaningful. I made tea and coffee. We had sex. And then I made us... No, then we went for a walk. And then I made us smoothies. Look, guys, I have sex with my girlfriend.

Sorry. I just don't think she'll want me to say it. But it's out there. I think she suspects people now I'm not a virgin. Anyway, um, what? Unless you, I guess lesbian sex doesn't count. So maybe I am.

No, I have that. The point is, it does. Helen, and I've had sex with men. Can we focus? The point is we're going through this like, we've had our walk. So I guess we're out of nice things to do. So we're like, let's worry about our worst fears.

So I was like, I guess mine is mainly that, like, we might, I might have, think that we're compatible and then we might turn out not to be. She was like, yeah, I guess mine felt like, maybe you're evil. Oh my God. And I was like, sorry, what? And she was like, yeah, I guess like I just worry that you're evil. I was like, um, sorry, just to circle back. Do you mean like, you worry that I will hurt you, like that I'll ultimately hurt your feelings and you'll have to think of me as evil? And she was like, no, it's not that.

And I was like, make it be that. I'm giving you an out here. Oh, my God. Just that like you might be like, you know, like quite like a sadist. And I was like, wait, what is the sadist exactly? Like, just evil. Somebody who likes to hurt other people like. Like Meliperson in Disney.

Yeah. And I was like, sorry, what is going on? And she's just like, yeah. I just like, hope you're not. Anyway. Holy shit. What does it mean? That she thinks, obviously it means.

she thinks you're evil. I mean, like, you know when someone says, oh, I'm worried you're like a psychopath? Yeah. And then it's like, oh, because I've had that fear so many times, but then the rule is if you worry you're a psychopath, you're not a psychopath because they wouldn't be worried. But what if your girlfriend worries you're a psychopath?

That's different. It is, right? Surely there's like an online personality evil test we could do with you to find out. I'm going to find one. No, this is her emotional work actually. Okay. I feel like there should be like, you know, like those Kinsey scale tests? There should be one for evil.

But did she say evil? genius? Because that can be a compliment in this day and age. No, she didn't say evil genius. I'm going to voice note her. Okay. Hey, I'm talking about the evil thing on the podcast. Hi, hi. Sorry, if that's not okay. But the reality is that Helen was like, did she mean evil genius? You didn't.

Did she mean psychopath? Maybe you did. This is your emotional labour, so please can you send some sort of like online personality tests that I can take? Are you worried, Catherine, that asking this and putting this on her means that you're evil? I'm not evil. Now I'm worried that I'm working with an evil person.

I do have an evil percentage. Oh, here we got, evil percentage. Let's do it. Thank you. I love you. Bye. I love you. Okay.

How does it work? So there's 15 questions and it tells you what percentage evil you are. Let's go. Okay. So question one. How would you break up with a romantic partner? One, by dating someone else. She gets broken up.

Two, over a phone call. Okay, head on your evil, 100%. Oh, but there's no debate in that. I know that. Dating someone else, phone call, text message. ghosting face to face or none of these options the thing is

practically face to face most of the time but also I do usually then immediately date somebody else so like emotionally that's how I get over it so what's the answer I'd say you break up someone face to face okay face to face please

although I have once broken up with someone on Zoom but they were in a different country that's fine then I think still face to face it was actually Skype because it was a long time ago still face to face Still face to face. Is the accessible bathroom stall for everyone to use or just people with disabilities?

Everyone, just me. It depends. Just people with disabilities. It depends. Okay. That's in. If it's an emergency. Nothing's more emergency is a disabled person.

What if there's no one there? How do you know? Surely one of the other stalls be free. Yeah. Oh, then yeah. Then obviously, no. Obviously if there's another store free, I'm not going to do that. No, you put it first.

Dancers looked in. I can't go back now, actually. How often do you post... Oh God, I'm going to get killed on Twitter. How often do you post positive comments on your friend's social media photos? Sometimes rarely, all the time, never. All the time. All the time.

And then follows it up with a message being like, I'm sorry. I just have to say how falk and glow when you are in that. You go so much more Joanne McNally when you do... Damn it! Yeah, it was really weird. I'm not a full pervert for my friends on Instagram. That's very sweet. It's a real cheerleader.

You are walking in a group on a narrow sidewalk and see another person walking towards your group. How do you handle the situation? I tell everyone to get into single file guys. Single file everyone. Okay. That's not an option actually. Oh. The options are tell the person they have to cross the other side of the street. No.

Do not move so they have to walk to avoid you or move behind or ahead of your group. That one. Yeah. That one ahead. But I'd be like, single file everyone. Yeah. It's like a primary school teacher. Yeah. And they were wearing high business as well. That means all cute.

You can crocodile. I want to be with them. Oh, I was once for a walk in Victoria Park with Charlie Clive and we saw, you know, those kids in the string full of Vahibis and she was like, look, a caterpillar of joy. And I was like, a caterpillar of joy is exactly right. Anyway, not the point. I get a feeling you're not going to be evil, Kathy.

No, I do. No, this is the thing, it's all an act. Is it acceptable to text while eating other people? No depends, yes, is the other person in the bathroom. Yes, I text all the time when eating with other people. Yeah. I do that too. when do other people want to hear about the new diet you're trying

unsure whenever I want them to hear about it never or when they ask never and also I'm not on a diet ever yeah it's a bit of weird hypothetical that one how much perfume or fragrance should one wear in public small amount none moderate amount as much as one wants I've got loads on right now and I feel as much as one wants I'm like all the perfume in the world please in your opinion how should one speak on a cell phone while in a crowded space you should not, quietly and respectfully, in a strange accent to confuse those around you

or however one wants. Quiet and respectfully. Question nine. How would you stress that something is important in an email? By using all caps, another way. By typing the words, this is important or by clicking the important flag. Caps, caps, caps, caps, caps, caps.

You do all caps it. Your emails are very good. Caps and exclamation marks and because I think my emails are good because they seem friendly but are also highly efficient. They are so efficient. There's no waffle. Yeah.

Straight to the point. Yeah. Have you ever responded to conflict by using the phrase It's only business? Yes, no. I would love it if you'd ever said that full stop. It's only business. Have you ever had a conflict at work?

Like a comedy conflict? Obviously there's things for all of us that are frustrating. So you get a job that you really want to do and then like it falls through but you've already said no to another job and you want to get it back like stuff like that but it's not

there's not really anything you can do about it yeah I when there is conflict I feel like that's what you pay your 20% for that's what like my agents for

if there's a real conflict I'm hiding behind Hannah going get them Hannah that's so true I'm like a coward I would but also the idea of saying like it's only business

I would literally only ever say that after sex that's a fun bit I like it I'll put yes but I was trolling it's one of the options you enter a doorway and notice another person about five steps behind you heading to the door as well

do you hold the door open for them no depends yes or would you actually close the door quicker we'd hold it open yeah good but man as an evil are different I feel this is a bad thing it's true this isn't quite evil it's not like oh have you committed any it's like social she's texting that's evil that is I'll count that against sorry sorry

can we finish the quick 5% to whatever your answer yeah thank you You are seated on a crowded bus when an elderly passenger boards. Do you give that person your seat? Only if you're not getting off the next stop. Yes, depends on how badly I want to sit. No. Yes, but not like happy about it.

Like, yes, they should have a seat. Catherine gives it up for fear of judgment from others, not for the elderly person. So that's like a half nice answer. No, I do give it up for them, but like I also wish that they've gotten a taxi. She also pretends to have a limp once you get. So, yeah, they all should get in a taxi. I wish they all had enough money to get taxis. Yeah, I think the elderly shouldn't have to go on public transport

if they don't want to. Okay, yeah, fair. Yeah, Catherine believes the elderly should be hidden from society because we don't see them because they make her sad. Would you like an underground network? Keep them separate, keep them separate. I also wish that I'd gotten a taxi. Like, I wish one of us had the money to get a taxi.

That's all I'm saying. And I feel like advantages generationally have meant that they should have saved enough for a taxi, not me. that's fair I think this one next one's very but I still give it all on soup don't old people just eat soup okay

a rather pushy acquaintance in your life has been sending you repeated text messages how do you respond say that again a rather pushy acquaintance in your life has been sending you text messages

how do you respond stop putting your clips through your hair you'll ruin your curls you'll ruin your curls okay go on text back and tell them they have wrong number, none of these, text them to tell them to stop texting, or don't respond? Don't respond. Don't respond.

And the final question before we get your evil, oh no, it's a penultimate, you spot a wallet on the ground that is filled with cash, take the money, leave the wallet, leave it, contact the owner, take the cash and contact the owner. That's not fair, she's got Catholic guilt. I would contact the owner. Yeah, immediately.

And fine, this is actually a funny one now. You're right, it's not because I want to, it's because I've been told that I'd be going to hell if I didn't. Yeah. Which of these people would you choose to hang out with? Hello. Oh, they're all like comic book references and stuff.

That's yours? Thanos. Deadpool, Joker, Darth Vader. I don't... It doesn't matter, you just have to say. I think Deadpool? Yeah, I think that's the... That's the fun answer, isn't it?

It's like the only non-niallistic, like, weird, creepy old man answer, isn't it? Yeah, I think... Joker's only in his 40s. Oh, but the... I don't have the... He's not... Is he in his 14? I don't have a...

Surely he's not. He's not older than that. I do not have the sound of them. Because he's still living with mummy, isn't he? And he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do. No, the thing is, I'd be attracted to Joker and I'm trying to save him. It's not for me. You've got to save your complex.

It's unsavable. Well, we had to add 5% for the texting during the talk. But including that, you're only 10% evil. Bullshit! But it's actually only 5%. Yeah. No. No.

There's only 5%. Oh my God, this is so great. She said, if you must talk about all the podcast, Duba feels a tad redacted. And like something a redacted. The redacted person might do. Let me know your results, I guess. It's redacted evil? That feels mean.

It does. It feels like you're controlling the narrative. It really does, you know? It really does. Hey, I only got 5% evil, and it's because why? It says, based on your answers, we believe you have little to know evil in you. Who, what sort of? That wasn't evil law.

This is Quizley.co. Quizley.com says, I'm fine. Can we let it go now? I think they referenced it against the DSM and everything, so that's pretty good. Against the what? The diagnostic mental health manual thing. Do they actually? No, no.

Oh, you're being sarcastic? It's a little joke, yeah. Okay, I'm not evil. I'm not evil. I'm just a dumb bitch. Have a lovely day. Bye! Okay, so you're not evil, but I understand

the fear. That's seriously what you're coming back to? No, only because I would be scared if someone said they were worried I was evil, but I'd also understand it because when you get really close with someone, you're like, oh, I hope. I hope this person is what I think they are

Like it's just an automatic fear isn't it Sure but you could hope that like That's what I mean it's like me being like Oh I hope we're not incompatible Not like you seem like on a knife edge But maybe that's as cool It's like what? I'm sorry I'm watching myself in the camera

Because I can see I've just gotten some Botox And my face is moving differently to when I was last year And I'm like is it normal? Am I fine? I think that is what Botox does though isn't it? Yeah obviously but I'm just but I haven't seen it in this camera in this way so I was just like because I got more movement this time

from the lovely Dr. Ewe and he was like that was too much last time because it turns out he calls Botox Bobo which I love in text but not in a professional context just in a personal context and I love it so Bobo for Bobo come on that's cute actually Dr. Ewan McKinn knows what's up

full name I have to tell you what happened to me this morning did you get Botoc? I had a cry no but I did I nearly got my teeth whitened you know that thing that was going to be my cosmetic procedure but then I went in and I spoke about it and they were like yeah but you wouldn't

we had to drink coffee or wine for like because your teeth become porous after it and I was like I'm not doing it. Baby only for like 24 hours I'm not doing it 24 hours no caffeine no wine I literally was there to get fitted and I was like no it's not worth it I'm not doing it I'm not doing it but wait were they just going to let you do it at home

they were going to fit me for trays or something where you put the gel in and then you can white in your teeth and I was like my teeth are white enough. I'm not not having coffee. No, but Helen, what you do is you do it on an, at night time, after your dinner. No. And then that's the first 12 hours sorted while you're like... Okay. Snacky? No, no, no. You wake up the next morning and then you have to eat whiter beige or

beige, but those are the best foods. For how long? For like, then you only have like 12 hours. No, they were saying like a week. Because your teeth become more porous. Just, come on. No, I'm going to wait until they're just brown, like fully brown. And then I can really feel the benefit. You know when people gain weight to lose weight?

You sort of like, because it's easier to lose weight. weight the bigger you are because it's like well if you watch the biggest loser if you're like 600 pounds you can drop 50 pounds like no one's business but if you're a hundred pounds dropping 50 pounds is a lot that's half your body yeah yeah that'd be that's hard so the bigger you are the easier it is to lose weight in the same way like the brown of your teeth are the easier it is to weight in them people are pre-gaming biggest loser wouldn't you there's a cash prize at the end of it obviously they're bigger soles but then like the week before you go on it you're gonna fucking carb load no because the higher your percentage is going in a body fat the the more you'll lose fascinating

they're fucking binging up to last minute i'm telling you they're in a fucking cake pantry losing their minds oh my god i've got really into ice cream cakes now as well sorry that's your segue that's you segue that's what we're doing okay no i have to tell you why i'm crying because i mean i know i spoke to you about this just before we started recording but like the state of our nation you're not crying because of the country. Awful. You're not. No, I was.

You're not hopping from Botox, key brightening to ice cream cake to the state of the nation. Like, serious. Like, first world problem, first world problem, first world problem. And this country, my God, it's on its knees. Just be really clear the ice cream cake is not a fastball problem in any way. It is not a problem. It is just a joy.

I agree. And also, I'm actually very good at making them. This, okay, good to know. I have an ice cream maker now, thanks to our listeners. And I am... They bought you an ice cream maker? No. They got one for their way.

No, they got one for their wedding and didn't want it. The Jesbians. Yeah, so I got it. So I made the most beautiful cinnamon ice cream, but I can make you an ice cream cake any time. I would like an ice cream cake. Can I tell you about the state of our nation? No.

I have to talk about it. What could you possibly find coming? I woke up this morning doing the curly girl method. Wait, you found out about the country this morning? Awful. Awful what's happening out there. And I said to Sunil Patel, I went, should we finish watching Grand Designee from last night?

He went, no, I'm watching bailiffs. And I went, oh, you haven't watched bailiffs in a while. And he was watching these. It can't pay, won't pay. The bailiffs are coming. You learned about the country. I can't pay or take it away. Yeah.

That show's horrific. Why would you watch that? Awful. And I was, no, I wasn't watching it. He was watching it. And he was just watching it whilst half playing on his phone. Single mother. Yeah, Helen, it's grotesque.

She's got a disability where her limbs don't work sometimes. He couldn't remember what it was. And she owed £2,000 of childcare. and she was crying and then I started crying and then Sineer I went I can't watch this and then Sineel went no you have to watch it you have to learn about politics awful. How is that learning about politics?

That's learning about cruelty. Same year Matt Hancock came third and I'm a celebrity. We have to change people. We have got to vote differently and I'm sorry to be the person that breaks this to you. I don't think that you're breaking you're saying. People don't know about what's happening out of. I think people are aware that I'm...

It is awful. The state of our nation. There is no social mobility. That's the new phrase. There's people can't afford heating. You know, there's middle class comedians talking about how they're not turning their heating on. I mean, they are, but they're talking about it. And this is something that needs to be discussed.

Yeah, it's obviously horrific. And I think the change starts with us here at Trustee Hogg. You think here is where the change starts. The change starts the day. You're not transitioning this into LBC. The change starts, is this LBC style? Yeah. I thought that was just people riding up taxi drivers.

Yeah. It's mainly isn't like. Actually, I think for taxi drivers to ruin my rides, but yeah. But is the solution just to tax the rich and then use that money? That has been the solution that no one's side. Well, then why is no one doing it? Because the rich are the ones who can give all their money to the government. Yeah, but then are we just at a point when we have to Guy Fawkes it?

But I'd not fuck it up like he did. I think we're at a point where it would be nice if people in this country trusted people with accents that didn't come from a specific class grouping and such that people who have actually have lived experience might be able to represent than government. the working class hero Jeremy Corbyn didn't he go to a private school was raised in like a massive estate or something that's like there's a specific set of language and a specific set of accents that we think are acceptable

for politicians and then we're surprised that's so true and then we're surprised when none of those politicians have any empathy or lived experience for the kind of problems that most people have we also seem to be allergic to experts for reasons like cannot get on board of it. Yes yeah we listen and we think the politics are the expert but like I remember when I first realized

it was this is so weird this is like the decade ago but I was watching the thick of it which is the first them I realized that people just get put in whatever department. Because you remember that big uproar a couple of years ago where it was like they can't be education secretary if they've never been a teacher. But none of them had ever been teachers and then they would just move you around

and then suddenly it would be health secretary or in charge of like women or in charge of like whatever. But also if you are an expert this country, everyone's like dweeb and you're like, like David Miliband, that was everyone's big issue. It was like, seems like kind of a nerd. And it's like, can we go on good God, can we have a nerd? What was the David Miliband thing?

We didn't want him because he was a nerd. I know the Miliband Brothers, like... Basically, Ed has come good, but at the time, I would say, Ed was not the better candidate. I think David was much more, in my opinion. It certainly seemed more clued up, but he just had no charm.

Whereas Ed had all the pizzazz. It's a pity they couldn't work as a little duo. But it's a popularity contest. If they tax are rich, they wouldn't receive so much money, but then, like, the difference it would make to so many people's lives. Yeah, obviously.

Like, because it's Amazon and stuff, because they're offshore, right? Yeah. I am honestly... Helen, I wish that you could say any of this, like you're not just finding it out today. No, but I'm putting it all together today. I'm putting it all together.

Yeah, and it's... Time's up! You love a jigsaw? It's what? You love a jigsaw. And it's like, you know all this stuff and you're like, I fucking hate them and it's like, oh, it seems so simple, but they're not doing it.

They're not doing it. And then you just sort of like, the reality seeps in. And then you're just sort of like, oh, fuck. And still? But they have no incentive. to do any of it.

That's the thing, all of this incentives skew the other way for them. Because the incentive is like money and staying popular with their big rich friends. Yeah.

Absolutely. Well, then do we just need to bomb all the private schools? Whoa. Just start, honestly. Not during summer holidays.

During summer holidays. Just to be clear. I mean, this is a very topical debate. I mean, not the bombing part. Can we just, can we just, can we just say?

Sorry, I just like to offer an alternative, which is close down the property. Okay, well that, that, Yeah, obviously The buildings are nice We could have public schools

In those What's the best way To close down a school Is it just accuse everyone Of like sex predator Behaviour No we could No we could

Sex predator behaviour This is also cancelable We could just Use the schools For public schools instead Yeah exactly And not not close them down Use them efficiently

Like pay everyone Pay teachers fairly Accommodate for People from all parts of the community Being educated together Because then that like allow social mobility at the earliest levels.

Yes. Like, and instead of shutting people off. Yeah. And the thing as well is if the children of rich parents are in state schools and the rich parents will be invested in the state schools. Yeah. They'll donate.

They'll get involved. It all kind of. Yeah. Because I know, because you can like buy stuff for a private school and then your kid gets more like a better quality of education or a better write up. Because in the Gilmore girls, um, Rory goes to a private school called Chilton. And her grandmother, Emily, makes a doer right.

donation to a rare owl in the first season on behalf of Rory. She also buys her a different skirt and different jumper for every day of the week. It's like who's changing their kilt every single day? Absolutely. Once a month then you'll be fine. Like you're only in it for a couple of hours a day and if you're doing anything dirty, the skirt's coming off anyway. And the bike sheds are clean. Like, yeah, don't be a bitch about it.

All right, Emily. It feels a bit shaming. Anyway, I'm going to be... But I feel like it's good that we discuss these things. I'm going to write up all my thoughts on my parish announcement's notepad for my new political... agenda because it's so simple. I'd love if you had a politics corner. I'd also

love if you were a politician. I'd love if lots of people were that weren't, that are not currently in the mix. Hey, I'm afraid of you. I'm into politics. It's just so easy now. I just don't get it. I know. It's profoundly alarming. It's so perturbing that he would put sick patients back in nursing homes

and give his friend PPE contracts and everyone's like, but he'll eat a kangaroo testes. Oh, don't. Even after the PPE thing, when he gave all the tests to boots to resell to us, even though we'd already paid for it through taxes and then we suddenly have to buy our tests back.

I'm like, it's so funny. I'm moving Guam. I'm moving Guam. Sorry, what? Yeah. You're moving to Guam. Is that where it is? I'm going there.

I just realized. Can we just talk about how teachers have the hardest job in the world? I'm so tired after the last eight minutes. and all I've done is answer quite obvious question. But it's good to be discussed. No, obviously it is. Of course it is. Time's up.

Also, just your correction. hashtag Helen too. Sorry. Where is Guam? South America. Oceania. Oh, is it? The coast of Australia.

Oh, I thrive there. Yeah. Oh, let's send me there. Can I just tell you? Where are you going? Guam. Guam. I'm still Guam.

It's because I was watching a, you know, there's statistics things about divorces. What? No. In the world. And it was like one. of those like time lapse videos you know the time of videos have really high rates of divorce oh my god

where did that come from well you said it and I just remembered that we do why probably because we all have really high standards starting your morning talking about your biggest fears have a pancake club chill out oh wait no wrap it up tell us tell us the last message from your girlfriend

Ellen says that was an evil little chuckle though Helen's right maybe Helen's evil I should stop casting aspersions it's probably Andrew It's, oh God, it's me, isn't it? She's really gotten a roller coaster there. I would say I was evil, but my primal astrology says that I actually mean well and everything I do. So I can't be evil.

Should we have on our guest? I think it's probably time. I think it's time. Because time's up and it's time for our wonderful guest. Please welcome to trusty hogs. It's Mary O'Connell. Hello, we are doing a live Christmas show for Trustee Hogs. It's called Hog, Hog, Hog, ho, ho, ho, but hog, hog, hog, and you can drink Egghog.

It's like eggnog, but with bacon in it. Egghog. Only at the Bill Murray Pub on December the 18th for Trusty Hogg's life. Hog, hog, hog, hog. Bye. Welcome, Mary O'Connell! Hi, Mary! Hello!

Hi, how are you? I'm all right, I'm good. Yeah, it's doing. Good, thank you. Hey, folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast, Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop,

and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods. Market has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. I'm going to be that person that shoves the microphone in your face because if you don't talk directly into it, it turns out me and Catherine are very loud. Yeah, that's not a surprise.

Wow. Okay, Mary, I love you for that, but I was actually about to be like, are we? Are you loud or are you lair? No, you're a loud woman. I'd say all three of us. I've seen you. I can be loud as well. I can be.

I've just seen your nails and I'm so sorry. These are amazing. Thank you. They've got all the different emotions on them. So good. The red one is like frowning. I love it. Why?

Because it's like, you know, I have range. Yeah. There we go. I love it. Also, is that share on your t-shirts? Yes. Oh my t-shirts. Have you...

It's your T-shirt! That's so good! It's so good! Just the check, has everyone seen the best share video of all time? Which one? When she remakes West Side Story

but she plays all the part. No, I haven't seen that. It's like my, like, kryptonite, like I can't stop going back to it. It's been like a year's long love affair. When did she make that? So this is like back in the day.

And this is what the rumor is. I don't know if this is true. That share had like the share show or whatever. And then there was like money left over. And they were like, we need to fill all this air time. and she was like, well, I'll do West Side Story. And they were like, oh, well, what do you mean, Russ?

She's like, I will do West Side Story. And they went, no. And she's like, and I'll be playing all the parts. And she genuinely does. It's like 22 minutes long. It's all the songs. And like, she comes on as the Jets and the Sharks. When you're a jet, you're a jet, you're a jet.

And it's so, fucky. I cannot recommend it enough. Share West Side Story, type it in now and then come back to us. Everyone's already gone. They've already gone to do that. They've lost everyone. I'd be gone. If I was listening, I wouldn't still be talking.

do other musicals. She should do all of them. Yeah, yeah. I would love to see her doing Sound of Music because then that's seven kids as well as the parents. I think she could skip some. Which songs and sound...

Are you sound a music fan? I'm not really... I never really make it past the nunnery. So, because I find... What? I know, I'm sorry, like I like musicals, but whenever people are like, yeah, Nazis and Sound of Music, I'm like, where?

Like, when do they come in? 16 going on 70. Rolf is the first Nazi. that you come across. I like that she made a dress out of curtains. I'm pretty sure that that's true. Correct. She did.

Yeah. My favourite thing. I like that she was awful. And then all the kids wear curtains. Yeah. Yeah. Not gotten past. Are you serious?

Yeah. What's your favourite film then? I love singing in the rain and gentlemen prefer films. Gross. I'm so quirky. I like the old film. Sound of music is pretty old. Don't listen to her.

She thinks reading books is quirky. It is. We get it. You can read. Like that's Helen's whole. but I do not stress about this. How's your day, Bean? It's been good.

I was at work earlier today. I had a pre-s sandwich on the tube and now I'm here. Chicken-back and things that I already are. Wow, big day. Here's my question. How do you find the very short days of winter since we are, we're by the way very excited about Christmas now. I feel like we can see the hope at the end of the tunnel.

But how are you finding it? It's hard to get out of bed. I don't really like leaving my warm bed to do something and be cold. Are you a hot order girl? No. No. Hot water girl being a hot water bottle. I left out of word.

Yeah. I didn't. Catherine fucked up. Catherine fucked up. I will microwave one of those sort of like rice beanbag things. Hot bears. But they smell weird. They do smell weird.

But you can get like a lavender one and it's sort of like it's just overpowering lavender. Okay. That sounds nice. Yeah. Yeah. That's so cute. That sounds nice. She's fancy.

I'm going to do my yearly promotion for the long hot water bottle now. I call it Longie. Alison Spittle War one. two episodes ago. I told you all about this last year, okay? It's a long hot water bottle that you can wear around you like a sash or around your tummy like Alison did

or you can do what I do which is like lie down and have it all the way down between my legs so I get a hot cunt and hot feet. Does that make you feel like you're wetting yourself? Little bit, a little bit, yeah. But I'm not, I'm not, that's the magic of it. It's incredible, it is a game changer,

Get yourself. I call it Longie. I know there's an actual name for it. Emma Black bought me mine, but I know you can get them in Primark now. Oh, wow. And I cannot recommend it enough. Longy.

Longy. Get a longie. And it's going to be an absolute game changer for you. And how about this? I think for periods. Like you could wrap it out and you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just stop having periods.

How about that? Just stop it. Yeah. Okay. Can I quickly tell you, I had a period miracle the other day. How was it? I know you two all appreciate this. Yeah, yeah.

Started a bit early. so I wasn't prepared for it I woke up at like 5am and I was like, why am I awake? I'm so tired and I don't need a wee-wee because you wake up and you're like, oh, because I need a wee-wee, right? You still say that to your adult self?

Yeah, 31, I wake up at the middle of night and I'm like, is it a wee-wee time? Out loud and so they was like, bed, beddy, go bed! Why are you in his room? And I sat up and I was like, oh my God, I think I've started my period. No, sorry, Helen. Sorry, Andrew, you're typing like,

you hate me again. Sorry, sorry. Thank you so much. It's the loudest typing in the world. thing so much. It's like he's wearing acrylics, but he's not. So how is he so loud? It's like, I don't know why you hate me.

But my period woke me up, and I only had the tiniest stain on my sheet of mattress, just the tiniest, to the point where I didn't even change the sheets. It went through to your mattress? Just the tiniest bit. Yes, I do, but I have not put that on. Oh, Helen! And this is what you count as a miracle. This is the miracle.

Yeah, I woke up, and it's, and it would have been, And it would have been like a day one blood bath. But instead my body went, let's not, you're not going to vanish this. So why are we playing around? Went to the bathroom, shoved in a cup. Easy. And I just thought like, you know, that counts. That's shareable.

But you know when you wake up in time. I love that from here. Yeah, that counts as a conversation. Sure. It does. Because do you remember your, honestly, hand on hard? Do you remember your teenage mattress? Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. A blood bath. No, I had a mattress protector and war protection, like war stuff. But you don't know when it's going to start when you're a teenager. There wasn't apps. Yeah, but I had a mattress protector. Okay, you know what?

Fuck both of you. Oh, but there weren't apps, but there were calendars. Yeah, and just sort of like. Yeah, but who tracked it as a teenager? I was too busy calorie counting, babe. I've got enough counting going on. I could do it all. I could do it all.

You were thriving. I was thriving. I've got a friend who once perioded on her bed. and a guy came back and she wasn't expecting a guy to come back and he went, ooh, what's that? And she went, oh my God, this, oh, jeez, this mouse

miscarried on my bed. That's not, that's not information. She saw a mouse miscarry on her bed and the guy went, oh my God. Why? And then they had sex. How could he be like,

oh yeah, you'd know when a mouse was miscarrying. Like, how would she be able to identify that? She obviously couldn't. She just, that was like, but the fact that he believed. Is she a vet? No.

Carry on. So the guy was like, oh yeah, that must be true. Like, you know, women must know about the reproductive sort of like organs of all creatures. Yes. Wow. But that was the lie her brain went to. Like obviously there's a point of life where you're really embarrassed by the idea of like vaginal blood. So you say, oh, I had a cut or like, oh, it's like it's blusher or something, whatever.

Boys don't know. They don't know in general. but mouse miscarry but honestly guys will believe anything at that age I was gonna say you could not get away with that with a lesbian you couldn't be like

that's blusher they'd be like do you need to read like do we just do I want you to buy you some bucks on feminas are you okay do you want to hear the best thing I think a guy has ever believed

this is a story from a friend of a friend of a friend okay she was like a teenager she was being broken up with by the boyfriend and at that point he was the love of her life

okay are we talking late teens like yeah late teens how like they'd say like six months but at that point, like, it's been everything, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went, I'm breaking up with you. And she went, no, you can't, you can't, you can't. And we know, I'm doing it.

She went, I've got cancer. Wait for it, wait for it. And he went, what? What's off cancer? And she said, um. Oh. And he believed it, which makes me think that he's in the wrong. Arm, arm.

Did he ask which arm? No, she went, um, and he was like, no. Arm. arm you can't be lying about cancer you can't be lying about cancer you can't be lying about it but if you're going to pick a cancer oh my god

but you must have lied as a Tina no this is I mean not this was my lie but you must have never about cancer not about cancer some people just wear headscarves it's not a long con it's really cute I swear everyone has a story from someone in their hometown

who faked cancer Yeah, as soon as you said that I can think of one person from university Don't even try it like you're from the best place Where are you from? I'm from London Oh, she's set Trepolition Running around London She met Tripoliton and they had things to do after school

Some of us had to have fake pregnancies Fake cancer Oh fake boyfriends Fake pregnancies I did fake boyfriends Yeah We just had like real pregnancies at my school There was one year where maybe like 11 girls got pregnant

in like the top three years or something. What? And that was, that was quite a lot. 11 pregnancies in years 11, 10 and 9. Yeah. Fair fucking play. So me like not getting pregnant as a teen success story, basically. Nice.

We never heard about the pregnancies in our schools because the girls would just leave, be whisked away. Like in Filomena? No, because I was born in the 80s. I know you think I'm 100 years old. But no, not all. They get sent to a convent and the baby. to get sold to America. No, we were already at a convent.

It was school, and then they were taken, like, to a place where you could be pregnant. To a more hardcore convent. No, I was going to say, like, a public school where people weren't, like, incredibly judgmental. Wow. Our school had a play school inside of it, our secondary school. Called a lot. Like a little courtmore playgroup was inside of courtmore school. That's so smart.

Yeah, it was adorable. That is cute. How many times did you sneak in for your own fun? Just a huggy baby. But you could see them from some of the mass classrooms, and it was like, oh, they're having so much fun. You were jealous of the children of the children? Aren't you always jealous of the children?

Like, do you remember when wet play was like the biggest event in the day? What is wet play? Wet play. Thank you, M, for nodding a lot. I know what soft play is, but what's wet play? Like painting? It's when it's raining outside and you have to play inside.

Wet play. Oh. What did you think? Wet play was. I had no idea, but either way it's horrible. The queers were like, what is she telling you about? Okay, cool. So it's for children and it's inside.

Yeah, because there's only like, so when you're growing up, right, so you've got your classic playground, I don't know what London playground games were. What did you play in London? Hopscotch. Okay, now you're from the 60s. All right there. Chalk and pavement.

And chess? Please tell me you were just doing hopscotch and caps cradles. And that was it. We played mummies and daddies. Yeah, clearly. That was a classic one. Like, inventive games. Do you remember red letter?

Yeah. And, oh my God, this, you have missed out on a childhood. I'm sorry. I feel like they were just babies being raised around you. We play learning to read. She's still trying to read. Sour, two, tea, fruity, lollipop, naturally and artificially flavoured.

Net WT, 2, Oz, 550. six grams. Nice. Well done. Nice. And what kind of kid were you at school? I was quite good. I was a bit of a goody-to shoes until maybe about like 15, which is when I got real,

I got real attitude problem. Did you? But nothing major. Nothing major. I mean like all the girls in school, because I went to an all-girls school. Yeah, gross. Sorry to hear it me too. Yeah, yeah.

It's a bit dead. It makes you really weird, right? It does make you weird. Yeah. I think it makes you like, if you put aside all of the like obvious issues with it, I just think it also just like makes you weird but in what way because it's like I couldn't understand going to a separate gendered school like certain things you wouldn't do if boys were present and so and like you do them and you kind of like normalize doing them at school

I don't I don't think of anything I just think it makes you hyper aware of your gender in a way that like I'm sure girls in in mixed schools are too of course but it's just so it makes it such as singularly identifying characteristic in you formatively I think yeah and also makes boys and that difference so distinct, that you're kind of terrified of them. Yeah, yeah. But then why are you all such slats? Because we didn't know

how to deal with them. Private girls' schools are, honestly. You're losing your virgin. Which is mad, because we used to call the private girls' school in our town the Virgin Megastore, which is mad because they went to an end of version there, Posse and I. I'm not sure. I'm comfortable with slut-shaming children as you are,

but I guess what I would say. Teenagers. I think it's either that you're, if you don't know any boys you think like sex is the way of getting affirmation or if you, in my case, are so terrified of them that you're like almost avoid them because you don't know how to deal with them because you're like, they're a different species.

I don't know how to deal with them. But would it be that your like brother would like bring home someone from his school and you'd be like, oh, here's my chance to practice. I'm not really because my brother was four years younger than me so I was like, oh, your children. Okay, that's cute. That's cute.

But it would be more like my mom would bring home like a male friend and I'd be like hello sir good day I used to go upstairs now please so I was more like that but then is at uni then the first time both of you properly like I went to a mixed six form

there we go yeah about time about time yeah yeah but that's such an alarming time to hang out with them for the first time you're like hello hormones they all had beards and I was like when did this happen yeah that's crazy also from the experience of like mixed school to like mix college but like that is when the boys hit their fucking cuntyest. I felt like 16, 17, they became their self-awareness and their awareness of, like, being attractive.

They started, like, that's when Negging became a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt like, I remember being called, like, fat and, like, being, like, devastated by it, by a friend's boyfriend. And, like, but it was just, like, but that's when they started with their, like, trying to, like, show off to you and, like, putting, like,

yeah, not good, it's not a great age to meet them, I'd say. No, I think I... To meet them, like, they're a subspecies. Yeah, I also. I just think that like it would have been good for me to have been in classes with boys. Like I think I kind of had this sort of intellectual, um, reverence of them. Wait, what does reverence mean? You thought they were smarter?

Oh, I think weirdly I, I didn't realize I had that in me. But like when you, I certainly was more intimidated to have intellectual debate with them because I'd never learned how to do that. Right. Because they were louder, I don't know if they were smarter, but they sure felt louder. And they certainly felt way more assured of their own views. Yeah. And if you're wrong, I do think, like, I was.

very assured of mine but it was just all very intimidating and new and like shouldn't have been because the world is like has multiple genders but you guys would have benefited from seeing like boys being like super thick age 12 I think I really would I think I could have done with a bit of the like watching them fart and two to those meds because then I don't

think I'd have been worried about like what they thought of me also school wasn't about academics it was about sexual tension right? I also felt that way with no one else in my school girl school. No, there would have been short... Do you not, like, look up girls from your school that you were suspicious off now and go like, are you gay?

Genuinely, I went to possibly, like, one of the straightest schools I've ever been to in my whole goddamn life. Are there straight schools? No. No. Not deliberately, but it doesn't happen. But they tried their best.

And... Could you imagine a kid showing up on day one? And they're just like, absolutely not. Like, we're not doing it. Just a young girl with the shortest nails and Doc Martins. Fuck off! Fuck off!

school's hell if you presented anyway homosexual or at least it was when i went to school for sure i think i'm so lucky that at my school we had like two like or three out people like in our year group like from it must spend like year eight year nine yeah not women though like it was it was gay boys yeah yeah there was not admit you were not like it was very much a i was terrified to say and would have been the now cast if I had. Jesus Christ. And actually a girl who I used to debate with and her sister came to an event

that I was doing a couple of years ago in London. Yeah. And they were like talking about her older sister having a wife. And I like did that sort of like straight people reaction of like, a wife? And she was like, yeah, like a wife. And I was just, I like was staring at her like, but you don't seem gay.

Because I was like, what are you talking about? Like, we went to our school, so you can't be gay. So I'm gay. There's that fascination of like, oh, you did that thing that you thought that no one would do. Yeah, and you survived. It's like that Simon Amstel bit where gay people are like, have all been in a car crash and nobody else even knows about the car crash. So everyone's like, a survivor.

Or maybe it's a plane crash. The point, how many people can fit in a car? Listen, can you use any of this episode? Yeah. Do we want to solve a problem there that we've made it very clear that none of us know anything? Yeah, let's do it. No, I just, I promise one day I will get over my fascination with all-girls schools, but that day is not today. Clearly, you should play a head teacher of one.

I feel like, I see that for you in your career. Yeah. I think you could be a head teacher. Stop it. No, no, no, Natasha Richardson and Wildchild. Is that who we're thinking? Oh, yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Wait. A private all-girls school. Yeah, yeah. And I get an American girl over whose mum is dead. And she's like, oh my God, you guys, look at us. And I'm like, you must learn the English way by falling in love and fucking my son. Welcome to the UK. And that will be my message.

I don't really see that for you. I could play a head mistress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought more like, I think more like more fun. Yeah, that's kind of fun. Fuck my son. How's that not fun? I just think you'd be more of like, I'm, I would say,

thinking more like guidance counselor in 10 things I hate about you Alice and Jenny like riding porn while she's too sarky for you you're more outwardly positive yeah but like thank you I think maybe like if there was like a girls sports team or something and there was like netball tip like yeah and it's like you're gonna take them and they're gonna defeat the boys something like that like the boys have been really bad oh my god like battle of the sexist style they maybe like damaged school property and you're like okay we're not taking this lying down

Oh my God, you can be my centre. And your tool, you can be my goal defence. I wouldn't be playing a title on the team. I would obviously be the rule enforcement, who is your assistant coach? Oh, the bursar, school bursor. I was saying assistant coach. School bursar. Fine, I'll be the fucking bursor, but I'll tell you what, that team will be funded.

Let's do a problem. Okay, this is from our. Hi, R. Hello. And this is a problem with their cousin. We've not had one of those before. I love that intro, Andrew. Also, I've got so many cousins, so I'm fucking ready for there.

You've got so many cousins? I'm Irish. How many cousins do you got, Mary O'Connell? Quite a few. Yeah, at least nine. Are you Irish? Sort of on my dad's side, but not really. What do you mean sort of?

Well, they're like, they just had like a long line of sons. Like, my dad isn't Irish, and my grumpop wasn't really Irish either. His name was Patrick, but... Patrick O'Connell? Yeah. It's so weird. Usually people rush to claim. Irishness.

You couldn't be more apathetic about it and yet your name is Mary Elka. I know it's a very Irish name but people are sort of like my family's from the Caribbean I've got like

I don't really feel Irish. Oh the Caribbean I'm going to Guam. Are you? It's not the Caribbean. Sorry Helen. I'm not going there. My bad.

Oh my God. Have you been to the Caribbean? Yeah. Did you go Disney's Castaway Key? No, I did not. What's happening? What's happening with your bitch cousin? When people say they're from the Caribbean

they're not from Castaway Key. That's not what That means. It's not big with the locals. Is it not? No. Helen's earning so much today. I'm sorry.

You're just witnessing her taking a lot of new information. Okay. I once booked flights to St. Lucia, but I didn't go because COVID happened. And we got them so cheap. We were like, we're geniuses. But that's because we booked right in the middle of Hurricane Cs. Whoops. Okay, go, Andrew.

This has some problem. is with their cousin lives in a different country she's just turned 30 is single and has never had a relationship but which one of my cousins

wrote this in so it's not about it Wait so ours a couple lives in a different country is 30 and single yep yeah but was briefly sort of dating this guy

wasn't a proper relationship but they were dating and he dumped her in May oh okay we all see where this is going right yeah no okay I don't know do you

I feel like I might cousin fucking No Oh my god No That's the next boyfriend fucking I think Okay

So sorry He jumps her in May May was a long time ago To be fair It was Which calendar are we used No that's it Anyway

He reels off all these cliches It's not you It's me You're too perfect And it's too much pressure That's absolutely sickening I've never heard that one before You're too perfect

And it's too much pressure I've heard that one before Anyway The cousin doesn't recognise That these are all cliches and it's just still really upset about it doing the classic sort of let's work on this together like trying to save this sort of

could be maybe a relationship really grieving and is talking about him all the time How long have they been dating? For four months. Four months? Okay, and then she's talking about him constantly. Yeah, talking about him constantly to R. Still now.

Still now and it's this constant and she's struggling, R is struggling to maintain empathy because it was only four months relationship and it's now got to the point that our's cousin is sending her poetry about it. That's not right. No, no, no.

Cousins shouldn't share poetry with each other. I'm with the cousin. I feel for you. I'm sorry. She's so obsessed and even when she tried to kiss somebody else, got so upset that she called our crying about it. Arth feels of pressure to be there for the cousin because she's overseas so she wants to reply to all her messages.

But it's getting to the point now that she really can't maintain any empathy. and keep, you know, looking after her emotionally like this. She asks, I guess I'm just being grumpy because I feel like I can't really be honest with her because she's so sensitive. I think she needs to care less, but it's easier said than done. How long do you let someone grieve a relationship? I think she needs some tough love, but should I be the one to give it?

Well, I saw in an episode of Sex and the City that... Very straight in, straight in with a big gun. Which philosopher said it? I think it was Kerry Of course You're supposed to grieve a relationship Like half the time

You were in the relationship Which I think is too long Depending on the relationship Because what if it's like seven years Like that's too long But four months I think it's been over Like she's grieving longer

than she was in the relationship Oh yeah 100% she is So It sounds like the relationship Isn't over in her head That's what My first instinct is that She is holding on to this being a possibility

and it's actually like she's not done the breakup mentally. Oh, that's interesting. So like, because I get this, like, I mourned for a relationship that never actually happened, like, just like an unrequited love situation. Years, like, yeah, yeah. It must have been like a year and a half, two years or something. But like three before I was like, oh, thank God that didn't work out. But did you send your cousin's poetry while you were in grief?

Personally, I didn't. Personally, I didn't, but I think I did harp onto it, drunk or like conversations would curve around to it a lot and I could notice and I've had that with friends when they've been in a relationship that hasn't happened and they just keep bringing up, keep bringing up I want to talk about it and I'm like oh this isn't

I don't feel like this is even healthy anymore for us to talk about it because then we just have the same conversation and we it seems to be riling you up more because it's good to do it and you want to be there bit oh yeah like why would you say all this cliches not enough it's not fair like this isn't how it's supposed to work out but there's a certain point where you're like look like this is

is just not healthy, it's not good, you really need to move on. Also, like, yeah, people are entitled to not to want to be with you. And sometimes it is really awkward to break up with people. And people do rely on cliches, which are not ideal and not necessarily true. But also, like, come from a place of usually not wanting to hurt the other person's feeling. I'd recommend the millennial get out, personally. I don't know. The millennial get out is when you go, like, I think you need to talk to an expert about this.

Oh, that's a genius. I did a bridge slightly in the email. And there is a line that says She's one of the few people I think Could do with less therapy Oh! Oh! Are you serious?

I thought the millennial guest art was the only option. No, I'm afraid not. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Because we're in doubt, send a friend to a therapist and let them put it all on them. Oh no!

Do you think the therapist gets the poetry as well? You need to go to a therapist. That's different. That's different. You need to go to a therapist to figure out the OCD stuff sometimes, okay? That's not the same. That's not the same.

Yeah. Okay, so your advice doesn't count, Mary. That's so. I think she needs to like get her like a book on like dark feminine energy and just sort of move on. Dark feminine energy. What would that book say? It's just sort of like it's like a way to I don't know like

like meet with your like inner divine female but also like it's a little bit manipulative. Oh, join a goddess circle. To like manipulate men a little bit so she feels like she has a bit more control because this was like this is her first relationship right. She's not been a relationship before. So I can understand why she'd be holding on to this longer than you would if it was like, you know, like a few relationships in your life. But she needs some like she needs to feel empowered again because I feel like she feels very helpless.

Yeah. I will say the tough love actually just sat. My first instinct was like, oh my God, don't be tough. But I do think actually there is a helpful thing when someone that you love and is very close to you goes, leave it. Like stop that now. my thing is this I have full empathy for your cousin and I also understand about

wondering about whether or not your role is to be the person Just say it you've got more empathy for the guy that broke up with them No actually what I was actually going to say is I think it's interesting that all of your questions are sort of geared towards your cousin's feelings

which is kind of how your relationship dynamic has manifested as well it's like all about how she's feeling like upsetting her when she's already been upset her expressing all of her feelings at you even if you're not ready to hold them all of those things and there's no real question of like

what you want or need or can put up with so I don't think you have to do tough love to be expressive of your own boundaries sorry to say boundaries I know it's an annoying word but I think like you don't have to be like

you need to get over this or you know yes you do she does she does or that you should be over this by now any of that prescriptive stuff but what you can say is I am now at a place with this where I feel like I've been carrying it with you for a while and I can't do that at the minute any or like for a while because it's too much seriously though if your cousin said

that to you you'd be like fuck off like you don't have to be like you don't have to say this you don't have to use like the theripizing language you don't have to do the Irish accent or anything you don't yeah you don't the accent you don't like I can't hold this for any longer but you can say I'm in a place where I need to talk about other things with you because I miss you and I miss talking about other things and also like it means that we don't often necessarily ask me any questions or but like boundaries wise I think I've said all I can say on it I don't have any further advice and it's really costly for me to keep going over it with you so some of the time I need at least like every third time we hang out to not talk about it let's play sylvanian families online but I think

if you say like I just need to not talk about it sometimes this then they really do find it awkward to bring it up which is great so you don't have to be like this is tough love you can be like this is a boundary setting. That was really evil, Catherine. That's a great answer. It was very smart. That's not evil. That's just fair.

We found out earlier that Catherine's 5% evil. I'm not. 5% is fine. It's all right. No. I'm like really chaotic evil in all those quizzes. If I told you that Paul Pot is 7% evil, Paul Pot is 7% evil.

You're just making this shit up. Yeah. But if I told you that, how did your perception change? It doesn't at all. Idiot. I mean, 6.3. Changes now, doesn't it? You have got to.

I'm listening to podcasts about dictators. Robert Mugabe. There it is. Actually 20%. Now she's just showing off. She's just showing off the ones she knows. That's all that's happening. Come on, get through them.

Napoleon Bonifonte. Stalin, Hitler, obvi. How evil is Hitler? Mussolini. Bad. Oh, bad. Like, like 80%. Mary 90?

Very. Really bad. Really bad. Very bad. Really bad. How is this quiz? How are we? I'm making it up.

I'm defining people. The quiz was based on whether you'd give up your seat for an elderly person. Franco, Franco. Sorry, she likes to shout out things she goes. Oh my God. Mary O'Connell. Where can people find you if they want to come see you, do some comedy? They can find me on Instagram at Mary with the gold shoes.

I don't wear the gold shoes anymore because they hurt my feet. They were incredible, though. Aspirational handle. Yes. And on TikTok, Mary with the TikTok and on Twitter, Mary does gigs. We don't have a cohesion. Yeah, but that's okay. That's who I am.

I'm not super consistent in the posting. But if this episode goes out before January the 13th, I've got a work in progress show at 2 North Down that people can come see. It's going out like now. Oh, sick. January 13th, when everything is depressing and you just need to see a funny person try new ideas, 2 North Dango see Mary. That's a good idea.

It's a great shout out. And then once you followed Mary, how about you do a little favor for your Christmas fairies, myself and Catherine Mary Joseph Bohart? That's not my name. By going on to our Instagram and following me at Helen Babauer and Catherine Boehart at... Catherine Boehart.

Yeah, I've gone with my name. Sorry, guys. So boring. And then go on our YouTube and like this video and comment on it and then subscribe. And then go on our Instagram at Tristy Hogs. and follow that and like everything we've ever posted and then write nice comments under all of our reels and then join our patron.

Helen, give me the coffee. No! Mary, thank you so much for coming out of this show. It's been so nice having you here. What a lovely guest. Tell other comedians it's nice and not as terrible as it probably seemed. Helen, come back in a shot, Helen.

Helen, say goodbye to Mary. Bye, Mary. Bye. Ariel Cuddle, everybody! Thank you.