Trusty Hogs - Ep63. TESSA COATES / Pavlova, Powerpoint & Portrait Artists

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Tessa Coates is a wonderful comedian, writer, podcaster (Nobody Panic), and a superb guest for this week's Hogs! We talk about festive TV with the family, wedding speeches, and another signature bra fitting from our resident size expert, Helen Bauer...FOLLOW TESSA: @WheatPrayLoveThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer@CatherineBohart@StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. On the 12th day of Christmas, where true love gave to me. Helen, what date is it? It is December the... You don't know. No, I've got no idea. I am so confused. December the 15th.

15th. It is the 15th. Oh, when they're listening, is it December 15th already? Yeah. Oh, my God. Episode 63, can you imagine? I can't imagine it. Hello.

Oh my God, that means... Okay, hello. Welcome to Trustee Hoggs. My name's Helen Bow. This is Catherine Bowhart. We're going to do a podcast where we talk about. about ourselves then we're going to solve all your problems welcome to trusty home that means we are so close to getting the tarot card reader back oh my god really surely because a year would

be 52 episodes she was episode 25 so that would be episode 75 plus 2 77 minus 63 is 14 40 minus why minus 63 where did that come from because that's the episode we're on now. Huh? I'm trying to work at how many episodes you got left until the tarot reader.

This can't be Oh, how many we've got left? Okay. I can't be how we open. Let's say ten. Okay. Through the fog.

Step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah. You're going to give your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs Trust the trusty hogs or maybe not Hello Oh my God, hi Welcome to Trusty Hogg

We did that I know, but like just for the sake of it Hi, it's nice to see you It's nice to see you too How are you today? Thriving. Are you? Do you know why?

Why? I have a plan for Christmas What do you mean? I am... What's the situation by the way? If you guys decided you're going to Brighton with the... So we're doing

Brighton. Right. As a family. As a family. At the moment hamsters included but there's, I will be so shocked if she's alive. Did someone ring ahead and ask the hamster come? No, there's not, I tell us an Airbnb. Fantastic. So pancake will be

travelling by train. Okay. I can only assume. Snails are fine by themselves for a couple of days. Right. So we've got an Airbnb I'm sorry, your dad isn't staying in the Airbnb with your mom. No, my dad will be in his flat. Great, okay. And then we will be in an Airbnb so it's like a two-bed Airbnb so me and my sister in one room my

mum and the other room my brother's going to go on the sofa when she arrives so it's sort of like a sibling's flat right right and then I've already decorated home for Christmas it doesn't have to be Christmas at the Airbnb yeah and then absolutely smashed it my friend lives around the corner I know I wrong her up to check I was like are you definitely at home for Christmas she's like yes and I was like I've nailed this because when I was little I'm sure we talked about this last year I used to go to my friend's Fia's house every day for Christmas. Like every year, I would go on Christmas Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is like, so for me, Christmas, tricky, which it is for a lot of people. Me too, sorry. I just want to interrupt it just to say, I'm holding my face. You've got toothpaste. I've got wisdom Tuesday and I really care about your story, but I can only smile on this one side of my face.

Look at me being excited. Can I see it, please? Is it gammy? He. He. Is it gammy? So excited. Is it gammy?

I don't think it's gammy. But I just had lunch, so you don't want to. look in there, do you? I do. This can be good podcasting. You want to look? Oh! No, it's not.

Oh my God. There's like a whole chicken in there. Like just pieces of rotting meat. It's just like rotting meat at the back of your mouth. That's mingin. That's minging. It would be rotten because it would be 12 years old because that's the last I made chicken. Look, I'm sorry about your tooth, but I also sprained an ankle this year.

So, we're all thriving. Is it? Yeah, it's a lot better. but Sineal did push me this morning. What? And I had to get up from the floor and it takes me still a little bit longer. He pushed you so hard you fell down?

Well, he pushes me onto the sofa and then just sort of keeps pushing. And he's like, get up, get up. And I can't because I'm like stuck down. And then I end up on the floor and he goes, oh, look what it's done to itself. Oh, look what it's done. Right, okay.

I thought that was funny and now you all look really upset. Yeah, he just kept pushing until I was down. That's not okay. I know it's not okay. everybody tweets Anil and say Stop pushing Helen you horrible

Horrible man She's only little Say oh she's only four You shouldn't push her Only four you shouldn't push her Tweet's Neil Hey to circle back Christmas is really fucking hard

And actually I want to talk about that today Because I feel like Let's not do it next week When it's too close We want to have some joy Let's talk about it now What are our coping strategies Because for me

The thing Well I think for you it's family For me My coping strategy is my family No your coping strategies need to be around your family. Oh yeah, but I found vertical. The Bowers.

You guys are great. And with me, my coping strategies kind of need to be around food. Yes. And I think we both have a little bit of both. So let's talk through the family stuff first. Okay. This is, so there's 21 tips,

which feels like a lot, but a lot of them are completely void. It is from a website called, I don't know. Oh, happyful. Okay. So I just want to give the listener some sense of the credibility of the publication. The answer is it has none.

Happyfull.com. Love them or just tolerate them. Time with our families can be. Dot a dot, trying. Bang on happyful.com. It can be. Helen. Yeah.

You don't have to read the whole article. Let's get to the question. Number one. Put politics on the back burner. This one, I'd say, is not a thing for my family. Everyone's very liberal. Like my dad and brother have a tendency to lock me out of politics conversations. but as of last week, we know that I am engaged.

Yeah, you are. And time's up. Time's up, baby. Which will be my catchphrase for the entirety of Christmas. I'd be like, time's up, guys. Nice. Times up. Right.

Or you could learn from the pattern. Look at me. You could learn from the pattern. So they shut you out. Yes. Maybe it's something they have in common. Maybe they're insecure. Maybe they don't think of you in that way.

Fine. That's their problem. Look at me. You know that they do it. So why not just take yourself out of that situation anyway when it starts just be like, Best of luck. Or overtly be like I would like to be involved in this conversation.

Yeah, so I say I'd like to be involved in this conversation and then they'll inevitably say a name that I don't know. Okay, so just opt out from the outset. Okay. Great, the boys are having boy time. But then what do I do? Oh, you go like enjoy the time where nobody's trying to talk to you and you just paint your nails or have a breath.

Oh, Rumi. You go to peace. Which I share with my sister. You have some peace. And then she's on top of me. For anyone who doesn't understand the context of this, my sister is two years younger me. She's autistic and a couple of Christmases ago,

I woke up from us sharing. wearing a bed and she was putting makeup on me like I was a corpse. It was incredibly haunting and frightening and a difficult way to start at the day. And I went what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck you do? She's like, I'm making you look beautiful. Did you look beautiful? It is terrifying having a six foot woman on top of you put and blush her on. Did you look beautiful? I looked mad. Absolutely mad. Imagine if it turned out you looked incredible. Like you've never looked better. That would have been amazing. The worst thing is Sunil says that like I do taught my sister what I do to him or she does to me what

I do to him, and it's basically love something within an inch to their life. But I do it through cuddles, and she does it through threats. Okay. Both sort of terrifying in the wrong ways. Like at the moment, her main obsession is that her hamster pancake has got a knife and it's coming for me. So I think the first lesson is essentially, the first lesson is essentially. Take myself to my room and be a doll. Be a human corpse doll. Actually, the lesson's broader than that, which is that, like, Christmas is not the time in my opinion. I think you said this to me actually last year. And it really stuck with me, which is like Christmas is not the time to solve family

patterns, it's the time to acknowledge and avoid as much as possible of them. So it's like, if you're going to fix them, you're certainly not going to fix them at the most stressful like big, like supposedly, supposed to be the best time of the year. Yeah. So just like you know that they disappoint you in that way. So just like being

expecting that they won't is actually half the battle. That's true. So just don't. Okay, share the load. This one I feel like you do in your family because you all have like little, your mom fusses around and then you do like little rolls each so it's like don't have one person doing all the cooking or the cleaning or the organizing like split it up amongst you I think that's fair I'd say my family were all right at that my sister wants to do the cooking usually right my

mum helps out a bit we all like for Christmases over the years it's always been like potluck like you bring something each she's a good cook right um she does insist currently on vegan Christmases um which I'm I'm totally up for but um obviously then you've got to do the usual banter of Like, oh, yes, oh, they're not here. You know, for the uncles and Marco. For the Barre elders. And it's just a bit of banter. I'd say I'll probably organise the Secret Santa again.

Gorgeous. Which is a good job to do. And then never to be someone like, what are we going to get for Uncle Jerry? It's like the Greg's voucher like every year. Like it's easy for them. Okay. Drink mindfully, number three. I think that's bullshit.

I am going to opt out of that one. Yeah, I'm opting out. You have to be blackout trashed for as much of it as possible. You've got to be buzzed a lot of the time. But not so much that you tear up too early. Yes, yes, yes, yes. No shouting and no tearing. You want to say gently buzzed the entire time.

I don't want to get to the point where I'm crying outside on the phone with a friend while I can hear their family going, should we do charades? Like, no. My family would never do charades. Don't, I go hear your family in the background gathering around a fire singing a carol. And I'll be like, this is mental. Whilst my sister's like, come in, we can make it look like. you died from a gunshot wound.

Like, if it's any consolation in general, actually the issue with my family is more that because they all live there and I don't. They don't want you there. No, but they have their own full lives, which means like around Christmas. And as around like any weekend,

they have plants. They have things on. So actually call me because a lot of the time I'm just hanging out. Also, they have all those masses. You willing to talk to Marian? Yeah, you are actually.

Yeah. Okay, so drink mindfully. we're going to say that one 100% ignore. Yeah, buzzed. I don't get shouty. I get teary and there is a state that I get in when I've been around my mum for maybe 45 minutes. When like, four to five days,

the smallest comment or a look, poor Anne. She can just look at me and I will read into it. Like that is the state of our relationship. And I'll be like, well, she thinks I'm a big fat pig. That's what she thinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I will be inevitably incredibly teary

but I'd say a bottle every three hours probably fine Could I say commit to a television show This is just like I'm actually just thinking out loud now I'm freewheeling Are you because I feel like you're doing this pointedly towards me No no no no no no no I'm saying for me what really helps is to commit to a television show

That people can hop in and out of That the whole family will enjoy Because then you can watch the whole thing But and they don't have to talk to you Just to spend time with you Are you doing this because this is before we'd start the podcast, but I know you knew about this because I told you about it like the day after Christmas.

No. This is like before we were doing the podcast, before lockdown and I spent the Christmas with my uncles and dad watching the neighbor next door of John Dunyaynyuk. And was he actually the guy that ran the death camp? That's not what I meant at all. That's not what I meant at all.

Because that is a tricky family choice for Christmas. I was thinking portrait artist of the year. Portrait artist of the year. Yeah, they can come in at any time or like queer eye, they can come in at any time, they can all engage it's very easy explained, you'll have to have seen the last one. I did that with League of Gentlemen

the year that we, the couple of years where we rented like a big house in London and it was like the Malaysians and Australians were over too. Gavin and Stacey, that kind of show we're like you don't have to have seen the last one, you get the gist. That's true. I'll say this without naming. I have a couple of family members

who am I watching a comedy if anything is even slightly close to like blue humor they go oh no oh no oh no and I'm just there like oh okay seriously this yet again I will refer you to portrait artist of the year it's genuinely a great time okay we're gonna can you remind me in the extras to really get into some of that stuff because I do want to discuss that yeah of course um pay more if you want to listen cousins

and if it's the cousin that you think it is it's not it's you Okay Okay, next one Tis the season To avoid snipping Muttered comments Under your breath And sarcastic replies

You mean sniping babe No Is that how you spell Sniping? Yeah Because there's no S-N-Y-P-E Snipe

No so That's sniping If I had a double P it would be snipping So we're not really Like I'm sniping Listen I know I feel like I'm sniping

Yeah You're also Probably don't want to get a haircut At this time of year Yeah No snipping Can we snip at someone in like, like, fuck off? Snipe.

That's a snip. No, you're sniping. I'm sniping. Oh my God, I'm a sniper. But I don't have a gun. Yeah, I know. I know, babe. Wait, okay, so you can snipe with a weapon with a bullet as well as a word.

Yeah. What a mad old world of words we live in. I know. A mad old world of words. Really profound stuff. So don't snipe. Okay, so no muttering under your breath. That one's really hard.

Yep. So don't make little comments, which is so difficult. Because sometimes I feel like my running commentary of how much I'm suffering is good for everyone, but I do believe after reading this article, it is not. I think the other thing is like, it's really hard not to snipe when you're being sniped at. Like when someone has something to say about everything you do, it's so hard to not engage. But I do actually find that when you don't, they then stop. Even though initially it's harder.

Yeah. Because if you start, it only is going to escalate to tears. It's only, you're going to, like day three or day 30, it doesn't matter. Like, you're going to get there some ways about it. But my brother's tick over Christmas, I feel, whenever there's a silence, is he'll go like, I wonder what's happening on Helen's Instagram stories. Because I Instagram story all of my Christmases. Because it's my way of getting through it is making it look like, oh, it's just mad, mad fun.

And there's no awkward silences. And Helen, you can hide from your family, the stories. I know that, but then I did that one year. And then my mum got really upset that I was cutting her out and she wasn't welcome in my world. And I could not. I snipped her. I snipped her out. And then it became this whole.

whole conversation about how she feels like unincluded. And I was like, it's not that. It's just that you did a full-on presentation about your spiritual walk this year with over 200 slides. And I felt the need to point that out. Thank you, Andrew, for that noise. It was mental. To her ex-husband and his brothers who were

just like, okay, brilliant. That's another church. Like, just madness. Okay, the next one is when I don't agree with at all. Compromise is key. It's not. Fight until you win. No, hang on. What do they give us something? What are they saying? Okay, unless you are that family member

who has things their way or they just won't come, the fact that the matter is you're going to have to make some compromises whether it's playing monopoly, switching out the good cheese for a vegetarian friendly substitute or sitting at the kids' end of the table.

Chances are you're going to end up doing something you'd rather not and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Yeah, fine. Ultimately, I feel with compromise, everybody has to do that, so that's fair enough. The compromises is that I will share a room with my sister

and that I will inevitably receive a death threat every single hour throughout the day. Mine is that I'm not in London, but I couldn't have them in London anyway because I don't have a room for them. I'd love, love, love to host Christmas. But that's not really anybody else's fault.

It's just like... You'd be such a good Christmas house. That is just capitalism. But also frightening. Could you imagine, like, if you put wrapping paper on the floor? Oh, yeah, no. I'd say that it would be beautiful, aesthetically.

The photographs would be gorgeous. I think people would be stressed out. I don't want them to be stressed out. I want them to be relaxed and I do in my heart of hearts when they're arriving I'll do everything for the matching pyjamas

would be Instagramable That's what I mean I would do everything to prep for them to have the loveliest time I would think about what everyone wants I would really truly my heart of hearts want them to have the best time

but then they'd sit on my sofa and I'd be like get off it which is amazing because I'm actually allowed to sit on craft on a sofa now I have to have a tray and napkins if I'm eating

but I am allowed to be on it but it's just that thing of like in my heart of hearts I redo but my heart cannot communicate with my brain when people are in my space and especially after day, like night one, like I can fine with night one,

but come day, two, day three, I get, like, get out of my house. So this is inherently what Christmas is, because, like, you have this, I always said, and I still say, and talk about it's my therapist, like, I want that family that are, like, it's Christmas, we're all together, let's cuddle up, let's, like, enjoy this, like, time. It doesn't exist.

But then when someone in my family, like, each year, I think me and my brother or my mum, or not my dad and sister, actually, They couldn't give a shit, they're say this. Want to, like, have that cuddly Christmas, but just not in line with each other. Like, my mum will try and do, like, this is not now, but it's like years ago, we're trying to do, like,

like, we're all doing stockings together at the same time. And for me and my brother, it made me feel a bit false or performative. And then I remember last year, my gorgeous brother really wanted to do, like, he was like, oh, these people online do these, like, recreations of pictures of them when they were younger and now as adults. And I remember just thinking, I don't want to fucking do that. Like, who are we showing off to? I know, and it was such a nice idea.

and I would have wanted that but on the day it felt wrong which I know it's going to resonate with a lot of people of like oh this person wants that I want it but for some reason if we do it for each other it doesn't feel right what you're saying is actually the key there to me at least is and I really had to learn this and actually Christmases have gotten better and better

than more I've done this and by the way my mom puts on like very wholesome I'm very lucky like it's like the perfect affair like everything you could want is there but I guess my point is with Christmas in general same with birthdays I think for me because I hate them is and this sounds negative and I don't mean to I actually think it's made all of my enjoyment

of it so much more lower your goddamn expectations and I mean like to the ground lower them like it's like at the point of which you're like look this sales pitch of like perfect Christmas that everyone's having it doesn't exist like every family has lost someone yeah like has somebody's having coming in with so much work stress somebody's coming in with like a breakup so somebody's coming in with, like, too much need for it to be perfect. Whatever it is, everyone's dealing with situations. And I think, like, at the point of which you just go, you know what, I don't have to work for a week and I want this to be as relaxing as I can.

Three days. I'm saying a week. Yeah, sure. It's thinking my heart's funny. I don't have to work. Okay, yeah. And some of this time this year, I'm just going to lower my expectations. But I think that should be, this should be the whole list.

You should just be lower your expectations. Yeah, because then actually I think anything that's nice, you're like, oh, that was actually all right. Yeah. is like I think anytime you try to pre-plan it also I think the problem is as well like a lot of it is oddly try adults trying to recapture their childhood yeah as in like a bunch of adult children children behaving like they are the kids of parents who should behave as though they have toddlers and you're like we we're all adults here so I find the more I try to put my emphasis

on making other people yeah relaxed and have a good time like as in like remember that my mom also deserves to enjoy Christmas. Yeah. The more fun I have. Hello, welcome back to Trusty Hoggs. We just had a crying break. A mental health break. Honestly, like even talking about this,

but I know it's important because I know there's a lot of you that feel the same way. And we are trying to be as honest as possible whilst being mindful of our families and also people who listen to this because it's not them, it's also us, and it's just, this is everyone's coping with it. I just think as well, like...

Do you want to hear this one? Yeah, well, I was just going to say, I just think that as well, like, people come in exhausted off into Christmas. I read this thing on the internet the other day that was like, other mammals in winter, like lie down and take it easy and hybridate, essentially.

Whereas at the, like, time in the year when the days get shorter, like moving and energy levels are incredibly, increasingly difficult to muster, all humans are like, here's 12 artificial deadlines you must finish everything before Christmas and you're like, what?

And I have a shopping list? This is insane. And so like, I just think like it's supposed to be, it's okay to just be restful but it's so tricky when your family you're like, let's do everything. I'm getting a bit better at saying like

I'm doing nothing religious and I'm not going to see the people I don't want to see. Good. And I'm not leaving any wiggle room in that even though it's really hard. to be like, to stare your mother down when you know you're disappointing her and be like, I won't be going to that.

Yeah, I mean, your family that comes with a different Christmas weight of religion, whereas my mum and brother still went to a couple of years ago to Mass, but it's not something that my dad never went. Like, we used to go to church every Sunday and he'd be like, I can't go in the Holy Water

or ball over in the front. So that was like it. But you've also got, yeah. And to be clear, I'm so lucky. My Christmas is, awesome in but but I but I but what I was going to say last year I found it really hard and had to go upstairs a few times to have a cry yeah because post-pandemic having had one sort of by myself it felt so pressurized it was like you have to make up for the time lost you have to

be perfect this all time like and I was like in quite a depressed place and I felt bad for feeling depressed on Christmas and then felt like listen what does it say next no shall I read the next one. Yeah. Agree to disagree. I love how it's like five seconds ago.

It was like throw yourself into everything. Yeah, I do think like for discussions and debate it's okay to be like let's maybe

talk about something else. Yeah. They've suggested something crazy which is like you take a pause and ask everyone to make three last points and it's like we're not having

a finalized thing. I know that's fucking mad isn't it? Like what sort of families have trained in debate in that way? Like because they would just end up. But it would be bad.

But me and my mom's last point there's always tears and manipulation. Yeah. So we can't end it. We're just both of us crying, going, and none of you ever loved us. Yeah, I don't think that's the one. I don't think that's the one.

Put yourself out there. We all have that one relation we're not so close to, or partner of a loved one that feels out of place. I liked this one. Make an effort to sit or speak with them and make them more feel included. I do genuinely think this helps me so much, not just at Christmas,

but at any gathering where I feel out of place, finding another person and, like, to include. Yeah. Makes you feel so part of the space. Totally. Like a, like, an uncle that you haven't spoken with all year or like

new partners for people like or neighbours like I've got a cousin's partner who I've like never really get time just to two of us and I'm thinking like oh that this year that sounds actually like a really good shout I don't know if we're going to see them on Christmas Day but like that feels great 100% and also like pre-plan calls with your friends

like I do need to like remember that I have a whole life and so it helps me with this next one that they're recommending which I actually think is the most vital the get out act your age yes that one when I read it I was like no I'm not gonna fucking up my age and then you read it and it's like you're with your family

you have a tendency to go back to like a more toddler version of yourself toddler teenage and it's like you're not that age like this is interesting like you open yourself up to old disagreements when you behave like an old version of yourself essentially be present and be your current self and those those ones are only for

offer a helping hand to any cooking cleaning or even just make a round of cup of tea, yes, because you're an adult. This can help take the pressure off the host, absolutely. And also just like, for me as well, as like act like it's your, you as well. So like, go for, I like to go for a walk every morning. So go for my walk. I like to run. So go for one.

Even if it doesn't fit into everybody else's plan, like, those things make me feel sane. But you don't have a fucking sister who's like physically gripped onto you the entire time. I don't. Can you, is there any time that she sleeps that you could go for a walk? She doesn't sleep. This bitch is crazy She's just on top of you Just like games

Games gamesness all done with love Okay then I think can you say Marianne I have to go for a walk alone Because it's the only way I can and then I will Feel guilty Yeah I will do it

But I will then And then I feel And I do do it I am the first one of my family I will ditch I am such a quick ditcher And then I will feel like See I don't think that's ditching

I think you're better I think you're better company I definitely think I'm better company at home if I've gone from my walk or gone out to see my friend oh my God I'm better to them the time I'm there than when I get into that like reclusive space I'll stay inside with you the whole time but I hate you all I'd much rather go out and then remember that like perspective

and then come back and be like I do love you and I want to spend time with you so you're actually being a better it's like Dr. Phil always says to those moms who are kind of abusive to their kids you know the first step with being a good mom is looking after number one that one you know the moms are like I just hate my kids and I don't ever want to see them

And he's like, you should get a manicure because that makes you a good, you know, that one? I know. It's a bad example. No, it was a really good one. And I want to berate you for the accent, but I'm not going to be able to. Okay.

I don't buy, I'm skipping some of these I find too American. If all else fails bribery? That one, that one resonated with me. What the hell? Oh, promising yourself something for after. Yes. Promising yourself something for after that you can have.

I've booked Disney World. Love that. Or I've booked like a weekend off in London. Nice. where I just do nothing in London. Ice skating, Shrek Adventure, Windsor Castle, Hampton Court Palace, the London eye.

No, get this. I'm going to wake up and see how I feel. You're mental. You're mad. But I never get to do that and you definitely don't get to do that at home. Nobody gets to do that at home. Okay, do you want to do back since you get some massage?

She's getting a massage, we all know that. I am getting a time of that. I'll always feel in time. You'll always feel like you're in the mood for a massage. No, your limits Yeah, I think I'm really bad for this on money I'll overspend to compensate for what I feel like is an absence

through the rest of the year because I live in a different country This is one that I'm lucky with my family that we do do a secret Santa with a spending cap So everyone leaves with one gift I don't live there and I always feel bad And then I overspend and then I feel bad Yeah, and that's good Tricky

Aim for enjoyable, not perfect, that's good That's really good And then practice gratitude not guilt Oh, yeah, no. I mean, it's such an easy thing to say. Like, practice a great before. Don't feel guilty, but I will feel guilty for practicing gratitude. And I think I should be talking to them.

Like, it's just, it's never going to happen. Okay. Okay. That was the worst chat in my life. I genuinely feel like I've just done a therapy session. Yeah, no, it's a lot. I also think that it's really brave of you to keep going through this conversation, though, because essentially, lower your expectations, get through it.

Yeah. It's the only advice we can really give you and also recognize like... Or another global pandemic. No, no. Oh, Helen, we're not wishing for that. Or another global pandemic. But also look at me. The first earthquake of London.

The first earthquake of London. We're not wishing for that. We're not wishing for that. Hey, look at me. Look at me instead and know this instead. Yeah. Soon. Not soon. But as soon as I can.

I'll be in Disney World. Oh, yeah. That. And you'll be sending me money to buy gifts for myself. No, none of that. I was going to say as soon as I can, as soon as I can host a Christmas, you'll be invited. I want to come. They'll be invited.

That'll be really nice. You'll be invited. And all I can say is to my friend Alice, prepare for a visit every hour on the hour. It's going to be a long couple of days. I promise you they're doing it too. Like your family is doing it. Just like everyone feels the same. And for some reason, I grew up believing that everyone else was completely loving it.

People were counting down to it. It's called people couldn't believe it. People said they couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve. And I was like, oh, God, I mean either. It's fucking terrifying, isn't it? Because I think my thing is food. right so it's like everyone talks about the food so exciting about the food think of all the delicious food

first of all I don't actually love Christmas no because it's mingin yeah yeah and then also there's this like there's nothing else to do and when I'm bored or sad I do overeat as do lots of people but then also I get guilt about so much because you can't secret eat there's always someone

there's nowhere to binge in a corner also there's no I come from a really big you know like a big family and so my thing that I get is like um once on something thing's opened, it's basically gone. Right? It's like a race.

But I want the thing, but I don't want to always have to eat it like the second it's open or feel like I'm competing for the food. And so then I get like mad that it's all gone. But that's like, I just want to say I hit it in my room and then forgot and then I get me neither. No, I would never forget it. No, I've never done that. But for me it's more like I get frustrated that like no one thought Catherine might one will leave her one. Everyone's just like and that's so silly. This is so childish. this is the case of acting your age.

And I did something last year that helped so much, which is this is going to sound pathetic, but I brought some stuff that I like to eat with me. And no one else was allowed to touch it. I just didn't tell anybody. Yes! That is such a good secret eater classic move. No, no, no, no. But actually, it was the opposite.

I then didn't binge and, like, eat every single thing that was in front of me because I was like, well, this, we have to eat it now or else. There's some sort of weird, like, shortage going on. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, my family do not mean this in any way, They're just having a biscuit because the biscuits are open. They're doing nothing to me. Like, my mum's not looking at me thinking that I'm the most disgusting as ever existed.

That's just the context that I put it in my head. Nobody was like trying to wound Catherine. They were just having a biscuit because they had a competition and they were out. But I, it stresses me out. And also they're like, I also just, I don't over exercise, but I definitely exercise so as to allay some, like, oh God, it's all so. toxic like you don't have to earn your food yeah but I

there there is really like a constant stream of food and when you're anxious about food it's quite like stressful yeah and I want to enjoy it I really want to enjoy it and so the way I do that is to like go out and get my fresh air and walk and feel like I've actually moved that day because

but also I try to take on some of the cooking so I can make things that I want to eat but God it's so weird to like it be expected to eat so much and the foods really generally especially if you're a vegetarian yeah fuck me it's just kind of overcooked veg we really need to all like normalize getting dominoes in christmas day and eating it or an indian oh fuck me i'd love a big old indian on christmas i had an indian christmas once it was incredible i mean i was in india but like it was incredible christmas curry yes please yeah that's what i want all that stuff that people make with the

stuff the next day they're like turkey curries or I'm like that's up my street do you mean Bridget Jones's mom no

that is but my mom is Bridget Jones's mom yeah she's like incredible host she's like everything gets

she's just amazing but I I just think I honestly feel like we've had such an honest discussion and I think food

is such a tricky one to even discuss because we don't want to we don't want to say anything and give anyone a thought that they hadn't had

about complex around food because like inherently it's fine your body will say what it wants and you put into it what it needs and there's no shame and no one's judging you no one's looking outcome outcome but we're going to be confronted with it but like we are coming from a place of like it just is tricky and sometimes it's tricky when you're back in obviously not for me going into the house I grew up in but around the people I grew up with like you can fall back into eating habits that you may have picked up of that you're not proud of but I don't But I don't know, I'm proud of my binging because I got so good at it.

It's about, like, what serves you. Like, I think, like, you can go back into stuff that actually harms you for whatever way, whether that's a lack of food or too much food. But I think it's also important to remember that, like, on Christmas, it's probably a great time to starve yourself because you do get drunk quicker. And I do think that's something that we have missed here. We're saying, like, obviously, do eat if you're hungry. But, like, don't forget, like, an old-school dose of, you know, like,

a moment on the hips, lips forever on the hips, won't kill you. You know what I mean? One day, black out early, good chance you might sleep through to a boxing day. And for me personally, I do see that as a positive. So if you can, carb load on the 22nd and just ride it out with the dues. And that does go for underage drinkers. Okay. You're so...

Merry Christmas. Should we bring our guest on? We cannot. Every single time. Every single time. Please, we bring our guest on because I really want to... I also really want to go to the extras because I really want to talk about some stuff. Yeah, okay, cool.

Let's do it. Everybody, please, welcome. trusty hogs the wonderful tessa coat hello if you like trusty hogs why not join our patreon listen we have an extra episode every single week if you do which is amazing and you can listen to the backlog of them if you have just joined you get all the 57 free ones that are already out additionally put up extra content extra shows extra live shows and lately an entire episode of a solving listener problems called the The Mailbag Special Edition 1.

There's so many treats on there. I think it's worth a five or if not more. Oh my God. Come on, you fucking little piggyhawls. Join us for five pounds a month. You get everything and you can be our best friend. I love how they're the whores, but we're asking for their money.

Confusing. Have a lovely day. Thank you, baby. Are you intimidated because Tess is so beautiful. Is that what's happening? No, I'm banicking. Yeah, you are. I don't know why I don't like having blonde guests.

son. I think that's what it is. Hello. Hi, welcome to our podcast. Hi, you actually look beautiful. I don't know. Helen! Stop negging her!

It's not one, one, look at that. Oh, that's a big nut. Oh, that's a big nut. It's so bad. I don't care for the winter. I really don't. That's the sort of knot you see on those videos of like, you know, like detangling videos and they have to cover their face because they're too shamed.

It's a shame. How did you get that knot? That arrives mid-October, and depending on how I'm feeling seasonal, affected disorder-wise, I just allow it to grow. Stop! Like a mouse and family will just move in. No. And I just... But this side is stunning.

That's the thing. I compensate. I overcompensate on its side. You know what it makes me think of? And I hide it, but it's so bad. It's a disgrace. I look like a witchy. No, no.

It's witchy, but it also makes me think of, you know, the character in Shallow Hall who has a tale. I actually did not watch that film I know what Okay there's a character in Shallow Hal is played by Jason Alexander You know George from Seinfeld And he's like And there's a moment where him and Jack Black

Open up to each other emotionally And he's like I've got a tail An actual tail An actual tail No other bottom of his spine And there's a tail and a wags What he's happy And at the end of it

He meets a woman who likes dogs And the tail wags And that's the end of his character And that looks like that That's what it reminds me of Like a tail at the back I love you so much because you came in here, arrived,

and just proceeded to put on your bra. That's correct, yeah. Which I really love as an energy. I feel like, yeah, that's like the perfect midsection between Hale and I. Also, it makes me worry. You want to be presentable, but you haven't thought it through. I do feel like I am, I sit right in the Venn diagram between the Twain of you. That's fascinating.

That I really do wish to high present. Yes, I may. Yes, please. But I. One second, no, go on. So, you, and people who care. And no, go on. Go on.

from a woman who's currently got mascara on her cheek that Catherine white there see I try no no no no no no no no no from a woman who came in brawlis and then proceeded to put mascara in her eyebrow I'd be fascinated I just wanted to show off to Catherine

I'd be fascinated to hear where I sit on the scale I'm sorry I'd be as someone who is currently wearing a rosy tinted lip balm you are you're you're radiant I'm sorry I'm sorry but Helen you know you often have a You're more often than not you have a stye. Right, I'm taking off my bra.

No, no, we don't understand. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm taking off my bra because then, you know, we've got the perfect Venn diagram. Could you get one of your tips out? Absolutely. And I will wear no bra.

I've had it on all day. Earlier I was sat in the pub, ostensibly working, but I wasn't. I was just drinking more wine. And my bra hurt so much. I took it off. And then when I got here, I thought, have some respect.

So I've tried to put it back on. The size of that. Put that on your head. Sorry, Helen is just taken off a bra if you're listening to this and I'm about to put it on my head and I can in fact wear it as a hat. That's just one cup. You look like a medieval, like monk.

That's mad. That's one too. And then there they are. There's room to spare, actually. That's just one cup. Are you getting this? That's the other cup. That's the other cup.

This is just the one. But any big breasted women out there, don't worry my back is not in agony. Currently, they are resting on table. Supported. You're disappointed they didn't make more of a noise. Oh, I need to get skin on wood. It's so warm.

Sort of that noise. Yeah, that has not been washed in weeks. It's so warm. I'd get that off. It's so warm. Do you want to play with it? I would like to put it. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, you would like to put it on my head too. Oh, it's so comforting. You can just, you can clip it underneath. Yeah. Now, this is classic trusty hugs that we even had for a little. while. You look like a gorgeous nun. Like she had a husband

who died and now she's just going to just give her he's after God. Absolutely. How do you solve a problem like Tessa Cote? Here we fucking go. You look amazing. The Lord has come for me. I feel him.

In this brat. Honestly, I think just keep it on. Like I cannot explain her. It really has. You didn't like, you felt very, didn't like having a blonde person on. So now you don't have to look. This makes me feel a lot of calm.

We've done it. No, you don't have to sit in Helen's kind of very much. I'm quite comforted. Okay. Kind of dirty. Like how much is coming out with it? Your work, by the way,

have gotten so much lower all of a sudden. That was doing some support. Hello. Of course. It's a moment in every woman's life where she looks at our friend and her friend says, those are dropped,

haven't they? But they would, the pure weight. I mean, go on, drop it in my hand. Oh my God, that's heavy. Do you want to get in there? Yeah. Okay, for anyone who's not watching

on YouTube, drop. I'd say you're not doing any... Well, you've got to lift it up. Oh, sorry. Gosh. No, no, no, you've got to drop it onto her hand like you did with me. It's a lot.

Listen, this isn't great listening. The great listening is when... What? Isn't it a lot? Hey, girl, hey. I'm ready for you to... Okay. Okay.

You're ready for us? Right. I'm ready for you. Yeah. I also want you to test me, to check me. Oh, yeah. We've got three very loud women. I'm very excited about this.

Can you please measure to test the coats breasts, please. Here we go. Here we go. We told Tessa this is your superpower. And by the way, I've never let Helen do this, but... Fun. Fun. Really fun bags.

Really? Oh my God. You know when I touch breasts like this, it makes me think of... She doesn't usually squeeze this when she likes yours. You know in finding Nemo and it's like, he will be squishy and he will be mine and you will be my squishy. They're that good. That's good. Wow, they're huge.

Whoa. Oh my God. Yeah, you're a 32E. Fuck. You're amazing. What? That's what they're amazing. What?

Did you guys? That's great. Sorry, you're the female idea. Sorry, are you the feminine. That's insane. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a 32E in my hands. Yeah. That's incredible.

Good for you. And you wear the right size. That bra is very well fitting. Yes, I know. Congratulations. You've clearly been, yeah, you've clearly taken it seriously. Guess where I've been. Guess where this is from?

Rick B and Pellon. Yeah. They do great sizing. They do the right sizing. They're unbelievable. But isn't she unbelievable? That's insane. Oh, thank you.

I mean, actually, the women in rugby and pelag, I don't have to touch you as much. I knew a bit earlier, but I've got to say, what a bag of fun that is. Okay, mine is squishable, but that is insane.

That's incredible. You must look insane in a bikini. Oh, my God. I'll bet you look amazing. I don't want to hear your own personal stuff. I'll bet. I'll bet everybody else is like, fucking hell.

I'd have to go straight into the water just to cover up what happened to my pants if I saw you. No, that's inappropriate. Like, I'd be fucking soaking. I'm like, have you just been in the sea? And I'll be like, yeah? Is that what you've got to tell you? Yeah, just got out of the water. As I was walking through the Ecuador, Spain game, I was thinking, I hope, I bet this is

exactly what it's going to be. And I'm right. I guess Helen's going to section objectify me and fill me up. Were you big titted at school or were you a late bloomer? No, and the reason I'm so thrilled with them is they arrived so late. Really? Yeah, yeah.

How late we talking? 17, 18, like final year of school. Whoa. And then when they arrived, I was like, yes. It had a real like, are you there? God, it's me, Margaret. And then there was these, okay, so I went to this dates my school time, but there was a power beads time.

There were these wooden beads. Oh, don't. The cool girls had them. Yeah, yeah. With Chinese symbols on them. Yes. Everybody white? Oh.

Oh, couldn't be whiter. Yeah. See, pretty culturally appropriated. I'm sure they weren't even the correct Chinese symbol for the thing. No doubt. But if anyone who's thinking, what, tell me more. Although I know your listenership and they're all like, yeah, you don't need to explain. We know what they are.

But there were some were like energy, love, confidence. One of them was power. Power growth. So there was one. They were green. I'm obsessed. There was, there came. a bracelet arrived into our school community

it was growth and it was given to a girl as a joke as a like this is for you for growth because of the president she comes back after the Christmas holidays it's happened oh my God

wait has she gotten taller or her tits bigger but just the tits okay great it was for the tits and it was and then it was passed among the flat chestered community as like it was like shrouded in cloth and given one to another

no it wasn't I swear to God and it worked It's... This road of the travelling tip? Yeah, it was that, it was exactly that. What the hell is going? Yeah, it felt so powerful. And then once it had worked, you had to pass it on to them next person in need.

Can I get a go now? I don't know where, it's been years. I couldn't say where they are now. I hope they're still in circulation. I hope there was somebody on them. I hope they're probably on them. I'm all right. Because she,

Katie Price has probably got it. And she's holding them. She's holding on to them. She's holding on to them. Yeah. Like smowg. You've got to give on. I bet now if we Google,

you know those like famous like segments on like morning magazine shows where it's like women with the biggest breast in the world. I bet if we watch those back, we'll see they're all wearing it and we'll be like, it all makes sense. Because I don't think I had so many of them. I might have had a growth one.

But ask this probably ages me differently. We were shag bands. I think we had shag bands. Yeah, yeah. So shag bands and also we went through the charity band phase. Yeah. And the breast cancer was a cute one. That was what the love, honestly, cute girls had the breast cancer one.

You could buy it, Dorothy Perkins and Newark. It was a nice pink. And then obviously the guys all had Livestrown for Lance Armstrong. Oh, my God. You didn't have one. I didn't really like things that could get dirty. I didn't like things. Gosh.

Yeah. Oh, moving on. Yeah. So there's that. I remember the Chinese symbols and that was like, it was the generation before us got them tattooed on them. Whereas the time we came along, we like, We're not getting that. That would be so lame.

So every girl in my year, apart from me, because I could not commit to a design, got like some sort of swelwa flowers on it. Like a flower flower. Yeah. That was the one of our gen. Was flower swirl. A flower.

Please tell me you got a swirl of flowers. I don't have a swirl of flowers. You feel like you have a swirl of flowers on your body somewhere. You feel like you don't have any tattoos to me. It's no tattoos. But if I did, it would be... A lily. Okay, so I did go in and ask for a frangiar panning,

which is the white one with like a yellow flower. in the middle that looks like it's been painted, like it's a white flower with these yellow bits in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't want it in some kind of swell. Or like more of a growth, and I wanted it on my butt, and I thought it would look

like it had been painted like a watercolour. I did meet this girl once who had this, like, unbelievable Chinese design on her back, and it looked like I'd been painted on. That's incredible. And so that's what I wanted. And the man was like, your skin is so white. Like, what do you think is going to happen?

happen you won't know it's there we can't put a white tattoo on you we can't put a white tattoo on you oh no it doesn't get any wider it doesn't get any wider than you're your alabaster and that was the end of my flower had you already shown him your ass yes yes yes oh god damn he really came out of that well yeah he should have stopped me way earlier then yeah like i don't want to get it it's for the best i'm going to get it for you thank you i'm going to creep in while you're sleeping and i'm going to do my design well i really really wanted to look painted on yeah part of it because it's classy Yeah, because it's classic. That's really classic.

That's what says me apart. An ass tattoo but make it paint. That's classy. I love that. The worst thing in the world is like when your friend is getting a tattoo and you know they're going to hate it in like three months time

but you have to just be like this is great. Have you ever been in that situation? No one would take you to the parlour. No, and I think I got as close to it as I was ever going to get when I got that fringe. But fringe would throw out. You know what I mean?

Did you take people to the parlour for the fring? No, but I think like I had put myself on a ban after a breakup of getting a hair could for six months. I should have made it a year. Yeah. Should have made it a year. I'd have said two. I would have said two.

You really jumped in. Could have made it a year at least. She genuinely thought she had a new personality after she'd done it. And that's okay. It's okay. And that's okay. It's almost grown out. You look like you're going to cry.

I just think curly girls with fringes are saints and heroes. And if they have that kind of, I would say, professional skill to make it look good every day, then fair play to them. I'm not one of them. But then if it's not tattoos, if it's not a fringe, what do you do? Because nail paint's not enough. Like, what's the thing you do to get over a big life change or when you want to make a change in yourself?

Because we can't diet anymore. We can't do the hair. We can't do a tattoo. Piercings? Yeah. I do get a lot of suggestions. Therapies are good suggestions. Therapies are great discussion.

Perhaps they're like a little hop out of the country, you know? Hop out. Hop out of the country. Helen loves running away from my dog. Yeah, just a run away. a nice little runaway I sort of live like talented Mr. Ripley in that little town Oh my God and trick everyone

No not don't focus on that I knew as I said it I thought the wrong The wrong information will be latched on to here I just went like the lovely Italian Town and just carry your tomatoes and just rethink Who is my question? Please Because you seem quite sage And I we were talking earlier about how to cope with Christmas

Okay Whether it be like food or your family or whatever your vibe is Do you have something that you find a tricky at Christmas and how do you deal with it? Do I have a person? No, not a person, but I was like, well, I mean, that would be crazy to name them on our podcast. I was like thinking more like,

I was trying to give you a vague question so that you could go with a vague answer. Like, do you find being home stressful? Do you go home for Christmas? My home, I don't find ancestral. I have, and I'm aware that I'm lucky that my immediate family, good company. I hate you.

We love to hear it though. We like to hear it possible. We like to hear it possible. We like to hear a tiny back and your mass of breath and your non-tattoo and your mouth. magical growth necklace in your happy family. You know what?

I did not need this today. Okay. Let's tell her one of your problems. Quick, quick, quick, quick. If you don't have crabs, I will fucking freak out. Okay. Do you want me to tell you, like, I'm just trying to think of the worst thing

I can think of to tell you about. No, let's listen. Tell me. The immediate family thing, I think, is the product of a lot of work on my part. Okay, well done. Like, no. No, well done.

That's amazing. Look at me, don't look at her. Just ignore it. I'm sorry. Don't put that on your breasts. No, you're right. You're right. If I put the effort in,

it would all be fine. No, it's not. No, no, that's not what I'm trying to say. Helen. Talked Catherine. Helen, you're being on hospital. I just meant like, I was like, okay,

no one else appears to be fixing this. I guess I'll have to be. Interesting. And by that, I mean, like, I mean, me stepping back in my family from life. Please tell me how to do that.

It's basically about like, but then my greater family at Christmas, I would describe as a nightmare, a living nightman. Oh, wow. So, and it's an endless row between my mom and my auntie. And I'm in a huge power dynamic. Do you want to say between two parties so that you don't want to take it out later?

That's so kind of you. There are two parties. They are sisters. And it's my aunt and my mom. I've got to say this. I've got an aunt and sister thing. Mom and aunt thing as well. And it is one of the most pleasing fights of my.

all time. It's just, it's just wild. I think they would be all right hearing about it from here, but like they know. It doesn't sound like it's going to come as a shock to them. No, there's nine years indifference if I age. My mom is the older. Yeah, same. Exactly the same.

Oh, really? That's so weird. No, there's a brother in the middle, but there's a big age gap between the two of them. So there's nothing to break it up between. It's just the two of them. And it's a relentless power dynamic fight for my grandparents. Oh, my God. And my mom has two girls.

and my auntie has two boys. Oh. And so what my auntie has on my mom is she hasn't got any sons. Yeah. And so she'll constantly be like, well, you don't know, Deb, because you haven't got, you haven't got boys. Yeah. Really coming out to bat. No, actually, this is really helping me right now.

From me, family dynamics amazing to, um. I'm so sorry for saying that. I just meant like my immediate family, good company. Yeah. But then as soon as we are out into the wider world, it all collapses. It all falls apart. It all falls apart. That's so hard.

But also like, it sounds like they are. suffering most like they like that kind of fun that must be exhausting for both of them we me and my my sister once had a cry upstairs at christmas day at my grandmas in which my sister said promise that we'll never fight about the potatoes as my mom and my auntie were downstairs they were just like taking pans out of the thing dropping them on the thing as sort of like right right you know endlessly things were just coming out of the oven and smashed on the tables you know and like they they they They had unfortunate, this was the, this cape is a pinnacle of Christmas in which they had attempted to designate bits of the Christmas meal.

That was one of our tips that we read on the website earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, welcome to the Thunderdome in which everyone is then made to score and rank like who did the best meal. It becomes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It became like, who's done the best of this. My auntie did things like make more of something that was on my mum's list. Oh, no. Yeah, in a life.

You won't have, because you won't have done it right. well Catherine's made her side what a yeah that outrageous to make something on the other person list because you don't trust they'll deliver on it the only thing you can do that with

and potlug is booze everyone is always grateful for an extra bottle you're exactly right that's the only thing you can do it on anything else is undercutting and then they like ask the children for scores and they're like mark us tell us it wasn't as specific as give us a score

but it might as well have been yeah yeah yeah well you can look at the leftovers. It didn't help that my family were then eating so much of my mum's stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, physically ill. Yeah, like the race. This is the race and we will help our win. No, but if you end up throwing up the food that you were trying to prove a point that you were enjoying because you ate too much of her. Oh, my God. It just was like, what, yeah. You know what? I am really glad of what happened here today.

Because Tessa came in and started positive and through, she broke her in. We broke her into my moody Christmas Day. that I'm having, I have broken you to the point where you're like, no. I think, I think me leading with that, like, my immediate family are all right is because we are so often united against

a wider source. And so, the common enemy enemy, it's exactly what you A common enemy is what people need. So, well, that's the advice. Many, many years ago, so I was in a sketch group called Massadad, it was me. Big fan. Yeah, I remember seeing you guys

Spank. This is years ago. Spank! No joke. was on spank and you guys were on spank yeah that must be so long ago really long ago I bet we were hopeless you were amazing that's never so kind so there were three of us and obviously there was often often conflict yeah and this time a real we were really in quite a bad place and we're having a bit of a row and tensions were quite high yeah and we were in the pleasance courtyard in islington in in London and a rat ran across the courtyard and we all screamed and we leapt into each other's arms and we were all united against the rat.

And then our internal dynamic didn't matter anymore because we were against the rat. That's so nice. Your aunt is a rat. Yeah. My aunt is a rat. So often what a group need. So if I'm on a hendoo and one girl has clearly an early outed herself as being the rat, I'm like fantastic.

Now we're united. We're united. Most people will be like, I'll include her. Jess is like, yes. I don't mind including her. But now I know that we all know there's a rat. That's fucking incredible. Or have an enemy.

You must have an enemy. But this is the risk. I'm sorry, I'm playing a lot of devil's advocate with you. I must. I must. I simply must. Now, you're in a group. You think there's a clear enemy.

But in a big friendship group that's been happening for years, your enemy went up with someone else's enemy. Now, the worst thing of all, and we know this, is when you put an enemy out there and then everyone goes, no, we love them. Now, you have a rat. They have a rat, but they think you're the rat. Awful.

because that's the worst thing you could ever do to someone. The worst thing is when someone goes in for a little bitch about someone and they go, well, no, I love them. We're really close. And you're like, no, they're the worst. Or at least pretend for an hour and then talk about it behind my back. And my fear is that the rat then hung out with Stevie afterwards.

And the rat was like, you know, she think she's... Way back. They've done beefing that rat. Yeah, imagine that. This could actually solve, I wish you were here like an hour ago. That would have solved everything. A common enemy for your family at Christmas time. Yeah.

It makes all the difference. Can I ask one question? Yeah. Do you all have to do Christmas together? Who? My family. The extended family. We've, since Potato Gate.

Yeah. We've rethought. Wow. Have you? Yeah. And it's been concluded that it was better. Yeah. That we do something different.

I'm so glad to hear it. Yeah. You were going to be great at giving advice. Do you want to give some advice to our listeners? Oh, please. I think you're going to be amazing. Ready, Andrew. Yes, this is from A.

Hi, A. Hello, A. I was hoping you might be able to help me. It's not a problem as such, but I have a speech to write for my sister's wedding, and I have no idea where to start. I don't want to be boring Google template speech. My sister is my best friend,

and I'll be the only one from her side doing one as her dad has passed away and the rest of the family are pretty crap, to be honest. Okay. So a lot of pressure familiarly here. The groom is an absolute legend, and they've been together since they were little baby 16-year-olds. Great.

He has a massive, close, Irish family, and I'll know there'd be lots of hilarious and emotional speeches for him. I've never done anything like this before, and though my girlfriend would tell you I'm hilarious, I'm pretty quiet and not someone who naturally has people in stitches. I really want to deliver before her, especially as she doesn't have her dad.

I wanted to be meaningful, but a hilarious speech, and I want to have everyone crying, and laughing. I just want to make sure it's the speech she deserves and don't want to be waffling dry hump, but I don't know where to start. You're both fantastic comedians and I'm sure you'll have a hilarious guest on

as well. We do. So where can we start? What should we do? Please help. I'm so sorry to begin with the question, but it was the writer's sister, sister. So they both lost their dad? Or maybe it's like a step set. Yeah.

Sure. But it was a sister. Okay. There's not going to be a father of the bride speech. Which is good because the father of the bride speech, I have yet to go to a wedding. And I do hope my friends hear this. Where the father of the bride speech hasn't been, accomplishment, accomplishment, oh, but she knew her mind, little anecdote, accomplishment.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, but she knew her. She was different. I have to say, I've only ever, I will say I've only ever been to weddings where the father of the bride speeches were dog shit, barring one. where I was a bridesmaid and giving a speech and I think I did a really good speech

and then the father of the groom stood up first of all I'm just going to say we were given a time allotment he did run over so I think that's actually kind of cheating but I will say he gave the best speech of the night but he's in a long way because what he did was talk

about how incredible his ex-wife is as a mom. Oh what a motherfucking power play to just be like this woman who's getting married is phenomenal but you know who else is phenomenal, the woman who raised her. Oh, God, it was fucking. And that leads us to the most important

tip with any wedding speech. You're playing the mothers in the room. You always are. It's so true. That will please everyone else. You're so right. You're so right. You're so right. Because everyone's a mother in the room when it comes to weddings. Everyone gets this weird sentimentality that sort of gets in your bones. And so you are just playing to a room full of room.

And remember, mothers like blue humor. Like be cheeky. They do, they do. Be cheeky. They like cheeky. like cheeky but let's um okay let's think about this so helen what's your advice play the mothers keep a cheeky keep it light and i'd say always have another option like you can feel if something's gone a bit funny and then like have one option where you

end with something a bit tearful and emotional and have one option when you're like and that's when she put her vagina right in the fox's mouth okay you know and then you've got the two options right so you're getting married soon so not soon like I'm a long fancy engaged. Yeah, well, you're engaged, you're getting married. You've been to loads of weddings. I have been to a lot of weddings. And also, I did a lot of catering as a teenager.

And we used to cater a lot of weddings. And I weirdly, in a way that I only recently was like, what was I doing? When everyone else would go on their break and we would eat the meal after we'd catered this wedding, I would sneak in to the wedding and listen to the speeches. Oh my God, what a cringe thing to do. But I guess even as a teenager, I was really, like, loved hearing the best man speeches. loved hearing, like, people laughing, even though I obviously didn't know any, like, I loved hearing a speech. So I'm really... Oh, thank God you're happy and funny and you're getting

married, because this could be such a good Joker origin story. Well, yeah. A Muriel's wedding character. Just like, spend your child and not taking your break listening to wedding speeches. It was like, yeah, it does make me sound like, I was like, one day love will come for you. I actually meant like, one day I will be allowed to perform. I think it was more like a performer. Yeah, but can you see how like the waitress standing there? And hidden under the table Listening to below I didn't say you're under the table

Oh my God So I was sometimes I was under the I was just like round the corner Yeah no around yeah I was just about Catching the bride Oh I see now how it comes from In I please wear your bracelets

Who knows what it will come Incredible But I think I just was really into speeches and I loved like Hearing people laugh And I like like Yeah I actually know

There wasn't many laughs in the orphanage, so it was nice. Honestly, I don't know why I did it. I get this. I used to be obsessed with debating, and I think I was doing the same thing. It was, like, learning, like, the power of oratory being about, like, making a rim laugh. Also, I would, like, sit around and watch people, even when I wasn't in the competition, just because I loved watching what you could do for an audience. If you could, like, get their attention and be persuasive. I get it.

Okay. Food and a fag, babe. So, I think, what? Food and a fag. Like, that's how you do a break. Yeah, right? But not me. Okay, go on.

So, from my time under the table and my time at weddings, I think, and I really hear this person's concern about the other family being Irish and being really fun and they're being loads of them and it being like, we are just good at weddings, we're good, you are, right? I'm not going to like you. I'm not going to like it. So I think just take that pressure immediately off. Don't try and do like a clever bit.

Don't try and do like a gag thing. Don't like, don't overstep a place that don't be like, oh, this, I'm just very worried that they're going to do something that's not in their natural wheelhouse. Yeah, don't try to be an Irish best man. Don't try. It's not them. It's you. And I think just like, be really honest

and find like three or four great stories from your time together that like are funny and like just like I think what people desperately want at a wedding rather than just like to laugh is to understand the bride and groom a bit better and like, because lots of people will be there and don't know one or the other. Agreed. And be like, I want to understand them.

I want to understand, like, their love a bit more. Like, I went to one recently, and somebody who didn't know the bride very well on the dance floor to me was like, I love that speech so much. They were like, I didn't realize that the bride's name was an absolute little, little freak. I just like, they told all this story about how she loved Kerrang and she liked all this stuff and she had this like, like all her passions and her stuff that she was into. Rather than just being like, oh, isn't she beautiful and funny and kind? It's like, tell us the things that she's into. Tell us a weird story that you got up to as teenagers. Like, tell us anything.

thing and then I think tell us tell us a story that when you saw her and the partner together that you were like this is love like this is oh my god that's so like a makeover TV show so like a before and after yeah exactly that if you would if that helps you yeah yeah before and after moment it's like this is who they used to be this is this is this is moment when I was like oh yeah they're going to be okay like this is this is lovely and then if there is a sad thing that you went to rest for like you guys not having your dad that feels like you know he should be there in some way but then I think have your sad part and then nice funny bit to end us and then let's go out on a rousing because I think when a speech ends on

a tear-stained moment as we do are like to the bride and groom and then everyone's like oh god back back to the pavilover but if it's like sad and then like I agree bride and groom and everyone's like great speech and that was amazing before Catherine adds on to it with more great advice I will also quickly say never forget the aid of PowerPoint is always your friend no Okay, no, I'm going to hard disdegrees on that. Pictures, bad videos, naked photos, slip in, slip in your desktop for some porn on it and go, whoops, no, that was there. Oh, no. Okay, absolutely nice, Helen, unless you're already, unless there is already PowerPoint at the wedding, and unless you are feeling so, no, I think that's enough for me.

I agree. Just like, what if there are tech concerns? What if the porn gag doesn't land? Porn gags always land. Okay. I think Tessa gave amazing advice. The only thing I would add is... Oh, his wife.

Helen, can I have to go. It's because she looks at herself as well while she does it. She's always looking at herself in the camera. Sorry, I've got a great one. During. down. Sorry, I've never felt so free in here without a bra on and I'm losing it. Okay. It's your last one

on the, on the on the bridge. This is the last one now. Look at me, look at us. finale. Okay, this is the last one. This is really good. On the projector in between slides have one of you texting the groom saying fancy

a fuck and then him going, what time ago? Oh no! That shouldn't have been a and then I'm like a picture of like a photo shoot the two of you did sort of like neck in each other and then everyone's like what's happening and you go JK and then that's it okay I'm sorry to enable

and I'm sorry to annoying horses with Ellen okay but what if you're playing it off the laptop and it's like beep beep like eye message coming through and they're coming in live and so it says like you know John A or whatever his name is and then it's been like can't wait for your speed be like speech is going great and be like and then it's coming up like in real time so amazing

and then like the mother of the groom coming in and being like I said it should have been you stop it stop it both of you did you just kick me no sorry it was me that was me you think if I could have kicked you

but I wouldn't have by now I don't think that's appropriate but I do think that if I could have kicked you it would have been like 62 episodes ago are you both done yes yes okay great Here's what I would say

Run your speech by somebody sane If you don't Here's an example of what might happen Please rewind three minutes ago You will be enabled by madness I would say yeah If you've got real good rude stuff The PowerPoint, the thing

Hendo Check it by somebody But like let's do the good stuff at the HENDO Oh yeah bring a projector to a Hando No that actually is appropriate Okay listen here's my advice My advice is 10 minutes is your max anyone who goes over 10

is saying things they don't need to say anything you can say in 20 you can say better in 10 with cleaner gags so that's just gorgeous advice and I think and from three performers put the clock on you have no concept of what 10 minutes and I don't say that to be rude to you listener

I just mean you'll be so surprised yeah I completely agree sometimes I do a gig and then I'm like what I know how was that two hours right yeah so there's that second thing I will say is I think you have your starting point I think it was in the message that you sent

which is that you are her best friend she's your best friend I think that's the starting point the starting point is because what you're worried about is an entire stream of people

saying how amazing he is and I think you want to position yourself as being there to do exactly that that they are this huge family are getting your prize precious gift like they're getting this amazing thing that they get this one

incredible person and you want to do her a service think I'd be like indicative, I have a speech to be indicative how wonderful she is. But I think, also, I think an angle is okay. Like an angle can sometimes, our hook can be really helpful in a speech.

So I've given two wedding speeches, and I was terrified both times because of the pressure of being a comic. And so the first one was the most, like, long-term couple I'd known. And they were so in love, but they're not, like, soppy. And so I really, I, like, did the stereotypical wedding speech in the most practical,

clear-minded, like, sort of like sensible language I could do. So it was like, I turned it upside down essentially. It was like, hear all the ways

they would not be grossly romantic about that and they would be and why they're perfect for each other. And the other was my best friend was getting married

and so my speech was essentially that it should have been me. That's fun. Because she's my soulmate. And I think that and what it takes for somebody else to be worthy of her. So I think a little hook is okay.

Like I think essentially it sounds like they're a huge family who are getting what is almost your entire family and making them appreciate that I think is a good thing. There's a wonderful video of Tom from McLeigh. Don't you make a joke, Helen. Singing his vows to one of his hits

that went viral and then relaunched his career. I'm not saying this is an opportunity for you your sister's wedding to launch a YouTube blogging career Unless you're an incredible singer You don't try to be the first one to sing And to sing better than Irish wedding Sorry you'll lose to some granny

Yeah we're parking We're parking hard on the singing Really? Yeah Even Wuthering Heights In a costume With the dance through tea I think you'll keep it short

And keep it about what you Like you've basically said You have your speech there Because you know exactly what you want you want to convey how much she means to you and your family and you want her to know that she's your best friend and also you want to acknowledge the person who wasn't there and the kind of cool thing about that is

that he would have given you get to talk about the kind of speech he might have given or what he would have said and presumably that'll be like absolute like catnip for the mom yeah my God and obviously start it with props very important no Helen so you start with I'm raising a toast A bit of a piece of toast in the act. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been to good weddings.

Has it been to wedding. I know. Hell on Earth. Tessa Codes, where can people find you? In Rigby and Pellon. No, don't get you a dress. No, honestly, it was my first instinct. No address, no Rigby and Pelley.

Hello. I've never been to your flat. I'd love to see it. Come, come. I'd love to see it. I have done so much DIY, much of it to the detriment of the house. I have to see it. I have to see it.

I've broken a lot of things. Please come. Okay, well, where can people follow you? Okay, you can find me at Tessa Coates. I'm on Instagram at at Weep Pray Love. Because I had short-lived dreams of starting a gluten-free blog. I love you so much. I love you that you never changed your handle.

You're just like, well, the blog, my God. Come back around again. Could do. Oh, yes, that's who I am now. Rejected titles, um, gluten Morgan. Oh, that's lovely. Very nice. Gluten things I hate about you.

Lovely. Gluten airport. It's not ideal. I like that. It's definitely stolen my heart. Yeah, me too. Um, yeah, I'm on Instagram. I, it's, you'll find me disappointing on both mediums.

No. Um, I also make a podcast called nobody, panace. So I'm, let me, wait, let me, wait, let me, Honestly, I just need to be quiet and it's taken me 62 episodes to realise that. I'm going to just sit here. Sorry, you're doing so perfect. At we pray love. At we pray love.

At Desa Goats, I make a podcast called Nobody Panic. Yes, I do. That is all la langbang. That is all how-toes. It's so good. And it's good. May you please do a shout out to one of my best friends from school who was so obsessed with you that she, I had to ask Tessa for a photo with her in the courtyard at Edinburgh,

this year. Her favorite podcast is Nobody Panicked. Thank you Anna Grant for listening to this still on the side. Say hello to Anna Grant. Hello, Anna Grant. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Do you have any shows you're doing? Yes. I am at the Soho Theatre in February and then I... What's your show called? It's called Tessa Coates,

colon, get your tessacote's you've pulled. Gorgeous. I'm not going to spoil it. I just say yes or no. Yeah. Are you riding onto stage? Uh, yes Leave it like that

I'll buy my tickets Leave it like that Yeah, of course If you cannot make it to London I'm also on tour in February and March So I am doing a little mini tour Up and down the country

You've got to go You've got a fucking guy Can you take us though We've got to wrap up this episode Because Tesson needs to take a brow off Hell needs to put her on We've loved having you Everybody say goodbye to Tessico

Bye Tessico Goodbye Tessico Let me. Thank you.