Trusty Hogs - Ep64. SHELF / Bombs, Beavers & Bisexuals

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Fantastic comedy double act Shelf join our very own Hogs duo in this final pre-Christmas episode featuring "insightful" political chat, puppy yoga, and another dip back into the primal astrology charts...FOLLOW SHELF: @ShelfComedyThank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer @CatherineBohart @StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop, and their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on Back to School. foods at Whole Foods Market. Hello, welcome to Trustee Huggs.

Thank you so much for everyone who already supports us on Patreon. You're making our dreams come true, literally. I will say this, there's a lot of you who aren't on our patron yet. And if you can find it in your hearts to give me and tiny little Catherine, five pounds a month through an extra episode every single week, over 64 ones available right now. Please do you sign up for our patron for five pounds a month. at Trusty Hogg's patron, something like that. We'll send you the link.

You also get the live shows. And the live shows. You get the mailbag special. And you get a mailbag special. You get too many of our secrets. You get all our secrets. Come on. So all patrons get a merch discount.

10 pound plus patrons get all the live shows. You can be a producer, all that sort of stuff. There's so many different. Andrew felt kind of like mansplaining the way you cut off Helen there. It was Helen's turn. Please join our patron or they won't let me do this again. Hello, welcome to Trusty Hoggs. It's me, Helen Bauer, and this slut's Catherine Bohar.

Hi! Welcome to episode 64, or as we're calling it, episode 1964, where you're watching us, but we're watching you. It's Trusty Hogs meets George Orwell. Welcome to episode 64. Through the fog, step for the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems, and they will solve them. Maybe they'll won't, and that's your problem. They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech.

Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty hugs. Trust the trusty hogs, or maybe not. That was amazing as an intro. Yeah, you loved it. You loved it for you? Only because I'm really in a George Orwell phase again. Are you? What are you reading right now?

I'm not reading. I'm listening. I'm listening on audible. Sorry, does he do his own audio book? Just to be clear, I'm not reading, I'm listening. I'm reading a book on the side. Who's reading Orwell out loud? Stephen Frye.

Classic. Stephen Fry on Audub. No, Andrew Don't. He's got a lovely voice. I can't wait till it turns out that Orwell's a transphobe as well. What? No, no, I'm saying I can't wait for that to turn out. Oh, oh my God.

I mean, I can't wait. That sounds really depressing. I just, it was just a little joke about Stephen Fry being a big supporter of J.K. Rowling. What? Allegedly. Oh my God. Catherine, this is awful to stop them. But I'm glad that you're enjoying.

Yeah, I was actually listened to the whole of animal farm whilst falling asleep. Dark. But then you'll wake up in the middle of the night being like,

two legs bad. No. Four legs, cool. That's so scary. That's so scary. And Stephen Frye does it with this weird

like bleating. No, I believe you. And then it's at the end, what is it? It's four legs good. Two legs better. Oh God. It's a very good book though.

No, I read it. You think when you first look at it. It's just about animals on a farm per the title. I don't think anybody goes into that book thinking that anymore. They do, my darling. It was published 60 years ago. I think everyone gets the gist now at this point. 60, was it?

Bloody hell really holds up. But you think it's just animals on a farm, but it's actually political because it's about, oh, what's the name of the, where all the people follow, like, communist dictatorship? There you go. you got there absolutely crushed it

you got there and the pigs and you know as someone who feels a kinship with them through this podcast and also just general vibes shout out to pigs

shout out pigs I just they're not good that's my biggest but they start good my biggest issue with the new falling for Christmas

Lindsay Lohan Christmas movie is the amount of it's like the like hard sell on bacon as a food group it's really

disappointing oh yeah she's never had bacon before and then she doesn't do bacon she doesn't do bacon also she has amnesia and it's like does anyone want to check if she's jewish before we like force feed the kid bag okay i did not pick up on any of this i was just like she's going to fall in love with the beautiful hotel and the guy i actually felt like cordover street had more chemistry with her dad but that's fine it's fine lindsay lahan's a stepmom the narrative we all knew was coming i actually really like her jennifer koologira i feel like she's to do more absurdist acting now she's incredible

Wait, would you describe the Christmas film that she just did on Netflix as absurdest action? No, only for the first 15 minutes when she's playing the, like, rich bitch. Yeah, it felt very wild child to me. I'm like, cast that as the whole film. I will watch that, yes, please. Also, did you see Ali as the assistant to the hotel?

Who? Ali, her sister. No! Yeah, it's the one here you were like, I know that girl. It was Ali. No! I watched it with Charlie Clive,

and I was like, who is that? And Charlie Clive was like, Ali Lohan. And I was like, how did I not know? How did you know that's so fast? That's fucking mad. The actors, no actors. They all recognize each other. You're so right.

They get it. They get it. Yeah, so when I was watching back to Alcatraz and I was like, oh my God, it's the guy from Friends. Like, I just click, because I'm an actor now, so I just click in differently. Uh-huh. Anyway, what are you reading at the moment? I'm actually reading nobody's talking about this by Patricia Lockwood.

Has anyone read it? Well, you are. Hey! Turn her off. She can't stop. Are you okay? No. What's happened is I'm hung over

But I'm trying to overcompensate by it It is an overcorrection Also I've had four hours sleep Because I'm on some sort of like Time War Because I was Filming in a country I'm not allowed to talk about

Blah blah blah But anyway A country that's one time zone away We can say that I don't think we can correct ourselves You're dead right It was only two hours difference The mad thing is

The because it was a Scandy country There was like four hours of daylight And my body is genuinely so confused So I'm exhausted and every time I get into bed, my body's like, do-da-do-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d. I'm like, oh, my God, this is hell. But anyway, I'm reading that book, and it's very good.

What's the book about? It's about our cultural obsession with social media. Follow us on at Trustee Hogs on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok. And Helen Bauer, and Catherine Bohar and Andrew White. Helen Bauer, she's actually her title. Nick says so many Helen Bauer's. Look, let's talk about something. because I love that we both thought we could talk about books.

I don't know if it's in us. Even though you have been on a TV show about books. Oh, and like, I do. I do actually read books as do. Yeah, me too. I know you do. I know you do. Hey, okay, I, to tell you something,

I did something without you that I think you might have enjoyed. It's puppy yoga, I know because I saw the pictures. I'm so sorry. No, it's all right. Don't be sorry. Listen, Georgie, my other best friend, bought me a voucher for puppy yoga on my birthday during Edinburgh. And she also bought me a lollipop

And I think we should remember that Yeah Unless we ever forget Obviously you're also friends with Georgie But so I get this voucher And it's August And it's puppy yoga So obviously immediately cry

Yeah yeah yeah Yeah so excited We get there It's baby dashans Stop I've said that wrong It's not It's I'm so

Guys I'm so tired It's baby dashans I've fucked it it's not they're actually full grown Alsatians and that's on me they're not Alsatians but they're the other massive one what's the Dobermans their baby Dobermans

no and they're so cute they're so cute and the thing is I honestly I thought like I walked in and there were approximately 25 people in this class and I was like fuck we're going to have to share puppies

that's just going to happen it's going to be an absolute scarcity issue I thought it was going to get animal farm me a bit like the puppies I was like fucking hell. Turns out they had loads of these guys. Loads of them. And in case you're wondering about the ethical welfare of the puppies, they've had their

shots and they're waiting to be homed, but they still are too young to go and they, but they need socialising. Oh, so it's playtime. It's playtime. And the funniest thing is, you can't pick them up if they don't want to, you can't hold them if they wriggle, you got to like let them do their thing. But it's so funny because you do 10 minutes of yoga during which time, every woman in there

is just like, what the fuck? Just actual yoga at this? Are you kidding? Because they actually just try and teach you. The dogs. Yeah, for the first 10 minutes, this incredibly campman is like, um, and lead it with your tits. And everyone's like, this is,

no, I'm here because I've had to break. What's happening? I don't want to lead anything with my tiths. The two guys who were dragged along his anniversary presents were like, I'll lead it with my what? What the hell? Where do I look?

That's to take photos and nothing else. It's like, truly just like, don't fuck this up for me. And then they release the hands and they're so small and so cute. And whenever one of them starts to pee The yoga instructor is like

Code yellow, code yellow, code yellow, code yellow And if you peed was it code yellow too? They were more like get out of here But the thing is, it didn't happen until the end So I got most as a laugh Oh my God, they were did fine Honestly, I met a puppy last night And I'm on puppy fever again

They were divine They would waddle up to each other Waddle like douglings Waddle up to each other And then just like Try to give each other a hug But essentially just like one would light down and the other would fall on top.

Like, what was, oh my God, it was heaven. It was heaven. And did you give them all little personalities? Oh, obviously. And was there one that just didn't fit in? There was one that just loved me. And by me, I do sadly mean my vagina. But the point is...

Were you on? I wasn't. And yet still, and yet still, I was like, I showered. What's going on? But sometimes it's just like a vibe happening up there. This kid was like ready to climb in. Oh, honestly.

Did you take one? I wish. Can you adopt at the end of the session? No, and it's so good that you can't actually because I don't have the means or space to look after a Doberman, but had they said, you can adopt one at the end. I'd obviously have taken six of them.

Just like pouring them into your bra. Oh, I'd be like, these are my new duve. Like, truly. I, the only thing I'd be scared of with my... So funny, you think I wear a bra. Body. Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Today? That's a wire! Hey! Oh, yeah, don't touch without consent. We're good enough friends that is partly me. But also, you've never measured my boobs and what did I say to you? If we get to 100 episodes, I will let you do your weird, creepy, feely-uppy business

where you pretend. I have a horrible feeling you're going to be wearing the wrong size and then you're going to yell at me. Oh, I'm 100% wearing the wrong size. I'm mainly usually not wearing one at all. But do not. Do not grab.

But this is why I shouldn't go to puppy yoga because I think I'd be very grabby. I would Lenny of mice and mend those little dogs. Like, it would be an absolute nightmare. I'd love it to death. It was so funny. Everyone was basically just waiting for the yoga and started to be looking the other way

and then would obviously put the dog. Yeah, I love you so. I need this. I need this. this. Honestly, the groups of people

who go to puppy yoga are our listeners. Are me, frankly. I'm a listener. And 17-year-old girls in groups

of five who are there exclusively to take Instagram photos. Great. They were a bit like, you know the ones who are like,

you're like, they're waiting to see if there's a hotter dog? You know what I mean? I do, but I've never thought about it like that before. They're like,

we'll just see which is the skinniest. And you're like, wow. you're, I'll take them. Wait, skinny on dogs does not equate to hotness. Now, you want like a tubby little mister. But I don't think it equates to hotness on women.

It's just, these are. Oh, Catherine, it does. Good morning. It must be. How are we going to measure? How worthless we are. We've got to have something. And we can't do it with sports because that's not fair.

You're right. You're right. You're so right. I forgot for a second. Silly me. It's good to have a measuring metric. You're right. Otherwise women might think they're fine, allowed, permitted.

I think I would love to do giraffe yoga I think that would be really fun Because you could fit them in your lap No because you could like put branches of leaves and stuff like in your crack And then you bend over and the giraffe like It eats out of your asshole And it's like woo hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Now that's a photo

It's not a beastiality opportunity It's just like no one's saying I'm fucking it It's just having lunch It's just eating your asses? No it's not getting in the ass It's eating lunch coincidentally close to my crack Coincidentally is the key You said put it in your ass The brach, well, where else am I going to hold it on my body?

Your hands. My hands. How, root one. You know what they say? Good comedians go for the first joke they think of. Like, great comedians go for the second, but the best go for the third one they think of. But really quickly, you went fucking basic as shit. What was your second option?

What was my second option? If ass was third, hands first, I assume. What was the second? Mouth. Branch hanging out the mouth. How are we not seeing what I'm seeing here? I'm seeing a long tongue coming out. Okay, hippo yoga.

Baby hippo yoga. Oh, I would love that. But in water and all of us just like rolling around in the mud together. Hippo water aerobing. Oh. I'm on my period. Are you? No.

But I'm up for checking. Okay, no, no, no. I think there's no way we can deny. No, you've had to leave the studio enough to check things that are going on in your pants. I only went once to check what was happening with my clit. Oh. Oh my God. Have you had a... It is the same thing.

I was correct. It's not the same thing. A lot of messages. No, you haven't. I have. I can read you out the comments on the clip. This is from our mailbag extras when Catherine was like, oh, you've got a G spot.

I acknowledge that women have G spots and I'm sorry if you are at home. But it is the clip. No, it's not. Helen, stop. It's one big muscle and that's the top and bottom of it. Yes, but Helen, in terms of identifying it in yourself, it's not where you think your clip is in terms of your, your actual vagina

so I think people are going to be confused now do hippos have clots Andrew Helen you know do not Google that Andrew do not Google that Andrew do not Google that I'm just wondering because it might look similar to mine I'm not going to look for images

I will just I'll ask like a question I don't know if I'm asking it in a scientific fact oh my God as well yesterday you're asking in a sexual way obviously no answer to clarify because you brought abysiality Sounds like in that's the low-hand movie where the grandma's like, there's clean sheets on the bed and they're lodged and it's like,

why would you have to clarify that? You're never staying in a hotel again. Like, why would you say that to me? Obviously, the clear. I've Googled hippoclits, bracket, scientifics. Oh, okay, good. So I don't end up in any watch lists. All female mammals have a clitoris.

Woo-hoo! Fuck you! And you may have a G-Bot as well? I'm not searching that. Thank you, Andrew. Helen, this is your own. Could you please that's like. No, Helen, this is for you.

For your own time. For your own time. It is for my own time. We said, can I tell you what I did yesterday as well? Because you did puppy yoga. Yeah, go on. I watched two episodes of Frozen Planet. That one with...

David Attenborough. What's his name? You know, the guy, the old guy. I'm so... Guys, I'm going on so little sleep. I love you. I haven't seen you in ages. I felt coming here, like,

you know when you know you're going to get an espresso martini? You're like, it's okay, that'll fix me. That'll wake me up. And here I am, and you're making me feel better already. I'm actually. So you watch two episodes of Frozen... Yeah, two Rosen Panthers. So I had over,

well, Senil Patel was over because he lives there. And then he invited over Jordan Brooks. Okay. And then I was having a nap and then they came and woke me up. That's really fucking good. With another comedian Luke who plays Frank. That's illegal. And then came to my room and worked me up.

No, go to jail. Really? Absolutely honest. And then we did a little photo shoot of me waking up and the boys all on my bed smiling with a thumbs up. No, that's a hate crime. And then I made them all hot chockies. You rewarded bad behavior?

Well, it's nice to be woken up to a group. Oh, I don't think we... Of friends, a friend. Was I assaulted? No, I prefer the alternative. Oh, no, Helen, you can't make that joke. No, I don't make a joke. Your reactions look all terrified.

No, we were just saying that, like, it's more fun to wake up if you all had sex. We didn't. And it's less fun to be woken up from a nap once precious quiet time. But also, then my alarm went on two, off two minutes after they woke me up, so it was kind of perfect.

And then I made them all hot chuckies. They didn't know that, though. They didn't know that. No, they were just going into a sleeping woman's room. Also, yeah, that's fucked up, man. Well, I see, so now let them in. Why do you, but you were like, I'm sleeping beauty. I'm a baby.

Whereas I actually think, like, those. And I just finished wanking, thank God. So I, like, pulled up my trousers, like buttoned them as I was to know, I'm joking. I'm not. But I don't know. I'm panicking. Basically, I can't, I feel like you hate me right now. Anyone else who's got a close friendship like this will know this moment

when they're, but he looks at them and you're like, I think I'm in trouble. And you're coming over mine later. I'm no longer excited. No, you are excited to come to mine. I'm not going to your house before and I'm so... You're going to love it. But if Sineal calls you it in front of me, I will lose my shit.

Yeah, I got depression at the weekend and Snell said it did it to itself. No, I really can't be doing with that. Shock him. Like, that's just not okay. Absolutely shocking behaviour. But a horrible, horrible man. But he did make me a lot of long ease. What are that?

Oh, your long hot water bottle. Yeah, longies. Okay. He'll make you a hot water bottle later. Actually, he's going to be very drunk tonight. Is he going to be in? I was hoping he'd be out. No, no, he's going to be out, but he's doing like an all-day drink-thong-thong from 11th, from one even.

Drink-a-thon. In my head, he was just in your house in a song, being like, it's my old-day drink-thong, sorry, Catherine. I won't be making longies today. I'm wearing songies and drinking. Do you want to watch Frozen Planet later? No, thank you. I haven't seen White Lotus. Everyone tells me to watch.

But I've seen you all of there. Okay, well, you know what we see? Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. I'm into that. Same mind. I'm into that. I'm into that. I'm actually so blind with that.

That sounds great. Yeah, absolutely. One of them is married to her grandfather. I'm, I am in. I'm in. You can't, you can't say anything about it because it's a religiously. Adopted grandfather? Step grandfather, but married to her grandmother when she died.

And her grandmother was like, I want Mary to have my church and my man. Oh! And she did it! They married each. other and that's one of the main characters and I just got to episode four and one of them's like you can't trust Mary she fucks her granddad but also can we talk about the narrative there being like what I want is for her to have my church and my man it's such a clever way of spinning I want him to get to fuck my grandchild like as if she's like he's like he's a gift to her and

not the other way and I had a nice grandpa he was nice but I did not ever feel the need to be sexually close with him or to share a marital bed, I just didn't. Yes, Helen, you don't have to clarify, you're not special. No one feels like that way. And Alan was a lovely man. You know, never missed a birthday. Before I, before we bring on the guest, can we just quickly say

that if you came to see my Lester Square show, thank you so much, and that Helen opened for me. I got fired halfway through, but it was amazing. That was out for doing intro on the microphone because you were despicably bad at it. Andrew, you missed this. I was incredible. Catherine was like, oh, no, Helen can introduce me on the microphone on the God mic,

And I was like, of course I can. So I did, are you guys ready for Catherine Bohan? Everyone went whee! And I was like, oh, she can't hear you. Better go louder. And Catherine was just there looking at me like, I will fucking end your life. And I was like, are you ready for girls through Boehaw?

I mean, I turned around mid-tech check. We were testing the mics and Helen was doing a photo shoot where she was just flashing a woman from my agency and the camera that she had there. That was horrific. It's on my Instagram. After the show. I was like, Helen, there will be people in from hogs there were because they'd left gifts for us.

Okay. Hang on, hang on. There were a couple of people in from hogs and not enough to understand our dynamic. Yeah, but what I was saying was there are people here from hogs, so let's go up to the foyer and say thank you for coming to the show. Like a normal thing to do. I got three gifts. Oh yeah, Helen got more gifts than I did at my show. Classic.

Classic. It was incredible. Classic show. Truly classic. Sadie, you traitor. So she gets all her gifts and then she goes Okay, I go up

My girlfriend's there We're fine I was just like Thanks so much for coming Helen grabs my phone Pushes me against a wall And is like Right

Who wants a photo with Cadron And then just forces These women Who were trying to leave To get into phone Yes they were So you You want a photo

Goodon You make it sound like I wasn't helping you I was You weren't helping you Catherine was like if anyone wants to say hi or like have a picture at the end of the show I'll just be in the foyer

went to the foyer and then I felt like I felt I felt like everyone who wanted a picture was just feeling a bit nervous didn't quite know how to say oh may I have one please they weren't nervous they were trying to leave so I started running

and then begging people like someone have a picture with Catherine you gotta have a picture with Catherine she's like and I had a cue because you kept saying I need it is. Look, she's standing by herself.

No one wants a picture. This is embarrassing for poor Catherine. It was hell. Everyone had a lovely time at the photo shoot. They did. There are so many women who look like they're late for their night bus and they're just so sad

that it's happening to them. And then one of them said, well, we'd like a picture but only with you as well. You loved that. You screamed yourself all that happened. I guess I'll have to run on. And then Catherine slagged me off

on stage at one point and I didn't think she didn't know that I was in the wings and I poked my head around the curtain and frowned. Yeah, you were incredibly unprofessional on every possible turn. Very present as a tour support, I'll say that. But really took the support out

of the tour support, I would say. The least support. I had my own photo shoot during the tech. I introduced you in a way I knew you wouldn't like, but was inherently very funny for me in the crowd. You screamed at them for the whole time. Yeah, I was very aggressive on stage. Very, unnecessarily so, maybe.

Very funny stuff. I had a nice time. She did the classic. Well, it was all, like, audience members that we sort of like recognize, like, like hogs. And, like, we sort of know what the hogs look like. You're us, but better dressed. And then, apart for you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They look so happy.

And you're all holding each other. What the fuck. They're always touching. You know I'm single. You know, Catherine. Actually, no, that feels good for you, doesn't it? Because you're like, just like me. No, because when I'm on stage, I miss my girl.

And I'm joking. Oh, I'm joking. I actually couldn't even go through with the gag. I was just like, oh, I've got so much more than me. I'm actually feeling. a heartburn rise because of that I'm not joking oh my god last night I went to see um oh god oh heaven I'm sorry what the fuck is wrong with you I'm sorry this is why all of our YouTube comments are I wish I hadn't eaten while I watched this it's it says

I enjoyed the meal what meal what meal we've been here for an hour what meal what meal just chat with you secret what's happening I'm sorry did you secretly eat what's secretly eat a meal? Helen, did you have a goulash in here before we started? How did you get food in here? Helen. Honestly? How? Look, I think we should be on a guess.

No, I'll tell you one last thing. Okay. Parish in outwards. No, just the conversation piece. Sometimes I can just have stories, Ellen. You know how that night it was the end of my tour and my show was technically a breakup show. Like, it was about me getting up something. Well, my girlfriend and all of her friends,

came which obviously added a layer of I need to stop talking about this there and I went for a drink with you all after but not everyone who's listening was

oh yeah good point this is a pot this is recorded we're not hanging out this is like for the listeners sweet Jesus well anyway

I went to Sao Theatre last night because Ellen and Charlie are doing Brittany and friends and nothing more till December something 22nd we're going then we are

and but I went last night and their show is about how they're both single Yeah, happily Because comedy is, let's face it, a little out of date occasionally And afterwards So obviously like after at my show It was just you begging people to take a photo with me So it just seemed like such a sad sack in front of her

I went downstairs It was just a cue of lesbians being like I'm just to let you know We really fancy you I was like Are you fucking joking me And she was such a wife guy She was like thank you so much

This is my girlfriend. Oh. What a cutie bye. And you would have said just staring at the queue of lesbians like fucking try me, bitches. No, I was being really dignified. I was saying things like, you have such good taste. But also I'll remember your fucking face. Have a great evening.

Supporting live comedy. Follow me online if you were in. Yeah, I fucking dare you. And then it's drop-gun. All in the Cun. Anywho, let's bring on another double act. Neither of whom I'm dating. Both of whom I love.

Very much. I love them both a lot, even though there's a dark history with me and Ruby. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, it's okay. We'll get into it. Okay. We'll get into it.

I think we should. I think we should. Please welcome the trusty hogs, your favour's and mine. Show! Woo! Woo! Hello, Hogs. It's Catherine and Helen, and we have a massive favour to ask you.

We have been so fortunate to be nominated for the National. Comedy Awards in the Comedy Podcast category. However, as yet, we are only long listed, which is such a thrill, but we are desperate to get on the short list, so eager. And the way you can help us do that if you're a listener is to go to National Comedy Awards.com. If you don't listen to us on Patreon, if you don't, if you, you know, are wondering how you can support us. This is genuinely so easy. It's free and it would mean so much to us. So it's National Comedy Awards.com. Go to the comedy podcast category and vote for trusty hogs. And also tell your friends maybe share it online if you could

we would be so appreciative. Either way you have till the 6th of January and we are begging you to vote for these guys because frankly we just want a night out. Fight for the pigs! Hello Shelf! Hi! Hello, bitchers!

Let's get into it! I slagged off Ruby before you arrived. I said that there was a dark history and I need to know the story. That is a dark history. No one normally slacks off Ruby. It's normally for me. No, because you are me.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idiot. The idiot. Bloody idiot. Are we saying, bloody idiot. Have we claimed? Bloody idiot.

We prefer the town full. Oh. I'm so frigid. How can I be, oh wait, am I slutty in the old in terms of like dirty? Dirty. Dirty. Yeah. Yeah. because I burped earlier on the podcast.

It's like into the microphone. Even I think that's gross. Really? Don't love burping. Now listen, you're a double act. People at home might be listening. Rachel is the one who's speaking about how she's a bicycle. And then Ruby, you ride a bicycle because you're more of a trad lesbian.

Is that right? Yeah, that's what they call me. The accent's probably an easier identifier. Yeah, sure. Amazing. So what's your beef with Ruby? Ruby and I dated. No, you didn't.

They did. We did. I watched them. I saw them. I've got photos. I've got the photos. By year seven standards, we went pretty far. Oh, wow. I was emotionally connected to you. I was. Don't fucking try it. We did a split preview together in Brighton.

Took the train back together because like Ruby was fucking gushing at the country me. Whoa. And I was like, oh my God, like be more subtle. And she was just like frotting herself stupid on the back of the chair. She took a stop of cream tan? I was on stage and all I could. see was an audience loving me. Yeah.

Loving me. And Ruby at the back. Bigie grinding against the wall. Bina in the corner of a chair. Just like, absolutely just taking herself to a new fucking city. 30 seconds in there. 30 seconds in there.

Welcome to Trustee Hunt. And obviously, Rachel being a good friend cheering her on. Just watching. Just watching. Just watching. I'm going to take my jacket on, Ruby. Keep about it.

Get a nub on it. Get a nub on it. Get some more chairs in there. Hold your breath. Make it happen. Oh my God. Wonderful. preview from both of us. I think we can all agree.

Brighton. And then, yeah, Brighton, lovely city. Also, close to when my dad lives. A bit of fun. It feels all the energy. You were the greatest woman, I know. Before we even started this podcast, you were like, oh, it's a bit of too, too queer a group. And I do stand by it. You're a homophobic. I weirdly stand by it. You're genuinely homophobic. Thank you very much. No, I can't be. I have, um, I've had talks about the L word with people. I haven't watched it, but talks about the LWWRW and I go, no, but I'm willing to discuss it with you.

media and they got it's really sexy and I'm like okay so succession so each their own you know I mean both can be true yeah yeah yeah make that business deal with the utr yes please um no I haven't done my dating story oh right sorry so you came during the show in the bright and comedian several times obviously Rachel with a good friend had the Kleenex doing the wipe up um because you know if you wipe yourself you haven't had a good time um what that's true the idea of me coming over with a tissue every time Ruby can't just to mop her down. I'm sorry. I don't know how double acts work, but I know they're close. Okay? I assume you're wiping.

I'm never going to come again, so you need to worry about it. Here, or just in general. And then we decided to date on the way to the station, and we held hands, and then nothing ever happened. Yeah. And I was also there, which was really fun for me. I bet it was. I bet it was. You were fucking loving it. You were skipping on the platform, taking pictures of us walking along, holding hands.

I'm ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mopping up. I love that you think a double-act is just like, because both of you gushing as you want, just clearing up the trickle. Got a roof, but it's been really, oh, dear. Well, he's squelching away.

Helen. I'll leave, I'll leave. No, I know. I've fucked it. What, how many minutes, silent? I think at least fine. Okay. Hello, Shelf.

Welcome to our podcast. It's not just objectifying you. although he will return to it I was going to say get to that but we've been there for anyone

who doesn't know you you're a double act you do comedy you're both as I imagine anyone watching can tell lesbians

and I'm actually bisexual Gatherine I'm actually famously bisexual that's really bad it's part of my thing

love men they make me come really fast that's not a bit It's the funniest thing she says I find it so fun Oh God, every time It's true though

Every time Oh God, it's so good It's so good I could see you as bisexual Thank you Helen She was Helen becoming the more PC one here She just said I could see you as I don't

But I could if you grew your hair I would personally rather if you were Because then there's a chance That God's plan will unfold I'm sorry, I lasted 52 seconds and I, you know what, I'm fine with it. Yeah, so, lesbians, anyway, how does it work? Do you date each other?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a wonder that you've been friends for how long? A wonder? Yeah. 20 years, nearly? 20 years and you've never had sex. Never, never even kissed. Which is shocking, because I have kissed most of my friends. I think is what makes you special.

Why do lesbians? do that? Well, kiss each other. Yeah. I think it's just, for sure, for men. What a bisexual answer? I get it now. No, I get it. It's nice to kiss. I made out with loads of my friends growing up. Yeah, exactly. And then girlfriends, like, it's just nice to make out with people. Also, because you're, like, you're young and you're super horny. You're just trying to figure out, like, you know, is there possibly something more that will save me having to, like, ask that guy out to prom?

Or rub yourself off on the side of a table? I'm not science tables with my hike. All right. But I get it. It's nice to make out. with people in your life as long as it's not family. Remember the rule. Make out with everyone in your life as long as it's not family or a boss. Okay. Well it depends.

Oh, Rachel so fast. It was like... I just never had a boss. I want... Actually, no, I did once make out with my manager. Oh, yeah. No, I'd love to be. We're interviewing them. Oh, yeah. No, I'd love to know about the manager.

Okay, so, hi Alice. Hi Alice. Hi Alice. Hi Alice. This is your manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. she's great and we made out it was like a party night she was a manager at a cafe and we made out on the dance floor

and she pulled away and she went yeah no you're definitely straight like because of the way that you kissed I was in like my early 20s and I was like maybe like who knows and we were making out and I was like this is so cool

and then she was like yeah no straight and just turned around and I was like cool see you at 7am we'll put out the catias oh I should tell you that the best way to describe Rachel and Ruby's

lesbianism, but especially Rachel's is that the straighter you are, the sexier they find it. Yeah. Is that fair? But you taught me, so Catherine taught me, which I had no idea, that apparently some biwomen who look super femme pretend

they've never gotten with girls before, tell you they're your first. Like, that you're there first. I didn't teach you this. And I was like, what the fuck? So Rachel, basically, every single time Rachel kisses a girl, she's like, I'm the fairest girl, she's there, I guess.

And I was like, listen. That's what they say to me. I know. I know. And then you were like, they're lying. And I was something that had that moment of like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm going out.

Hey, folks, it's Mark Bitman from the podcast, Food with Mark Bitman. It's hard for me to believe we're talking about back to school, but whether you're thinking lunch boxes or nourishing dinners, Whole Foods Market is the place to shop. And their high standards allow you to shop with confidence. Their house brand, 365 by Whole Foods Market, has everything you need for quick and conventional. convenient breakfast, lunches, and dinners

from oatmeal to trail mix to wild fish sticks. Explore the many ways you can save on back-to-school foods at Whole Foods Market. Because I was like, Rachel, you'll be over the age of 25, we need to have a little conversation, right? When a 30-year-old woman says to you,

we're the first guy I've ever kissed, we're straight up lying to you because we know it'll be faster because you've got your cute best little t-shirt on, so we've read who you are. It's like Sunday formal is a jumper. You know, you're like, come on. I know how to get this over and done with. This is a lot of information. Rachel's mind

was balloon. I was fully shocked. I was shook. She really thought she was converting all of it. But it made sense with so many girls. Why were they in gay clubs? Why do they have loads of friends who were gay? Why do they have a rainbow tattoo? Exactly. Yeah. It was suddenly like, what? And she was so good at sex.

It doesn't make sense. Yes. Isn't my bruise a bend over? I will say this for straight girls who go to gay clubs. A lot of us do go for the music. You go to gay men clubs You didn't go to a lesbian Oh no I wouldn't go to a lesbian You wouldn't be seen dead

A lesbian None of us are going to those You know that apple's good But you're not that good Who? Exactly Don't you all listen to Teagle and Sarah No isn't that what you guys listen to?

We genuinely used to I did too I loved them I actually didn't hate their last album Went to see them live in Hackney You guys saw them live and they are so funny They're so funny We were like what the fuck are they doing They need to stop making jokes

They're doing music, they're doing comedy, and they look very similar to us. Rubik, you know that their sister's not in a relationship. No, I didn't. Isn't that true? The identical twins, yeah. Yeah. I thought they were just similar, similar lovers.

No, no, sisters. One of them had, Sarah had a baby. Did she? How? I didn't. This is not going to be a good episode for me. I love you even when you're cancer That is a real girlfriend

I love it I love it How are you? Are you excited for Christmas? Yeah Really excited Oh you love Christmas Yeah Yeah, a really big fan

Like I just love everything Just love the presents Love the cheer Love the only You're the only adults I know Who starts with presents I love the present. I do love frozen.

Oh my God. Are you excited, Ruby? I am, yeah. No, no. That's my response. I love it because everyone else does and we have to pretend it's magical. Forced to spend time with people who are nightmares.

All locked in together, eating food that isn't good. Yeah. I'd order a curry and all sit in our own rooms. Yeah. So you guys don't like Christmas. I love Christmas. I love Christmas. I would say, increasingly as I get older,

they're sort of like watching the burden it puts on the people around me. I'm like, bloody hell, let's all just maybe cool it with the Forced Fun. Rachel just did that, but I've never met anyone more, like who loves Forced Fun more as a brand. Like, Rachel's like, Fun Nighter!

Oh, God. Well, Rachel is the cat in the hat. You can't feel fun without you in the middle. Yeah, yeah, da, da, da. Yeah, I take that. Fun. That's fair. And what are your star signs

because the lesbians will want to know? Oh, fantastic. I'm an Aquarius. Are you? They're supposed to be bad. Aquarius is supposed to be really bad. No, those are the bad guys. There was a while on Hinge where the people

kept asking for my star site or like my birth chart. And every time I showed it to them, they would be afraid of me. So something's wrong. Wait, wait. Catherine, please let me do primal astrology with them. Wait, why do lesbians ask for that? We have to stop asking.

I quite like it, though. Em just said, but it's important. But it's important. I'm going to send you my birth chart and you can tell me why it makes women afraid of me. Great. Tap on, oh, one second, sorry. Ask it loud because this is an audio form.

Okay. Helen was ready to be like, we'll all sit here quietly while Ruby feels like this. I'm trying to be kind and not ask you to tell me your exact birthday. Tap on your year of birth first. That's fair. That's fair.

Yeah. Okay, I'll do this aloud for the folks at home. 1994. Gross! Oh my God, you're so old. You've passed years. Behind you. you.

Fucking minging, mingen. Oh my God. That might be the issue. When's your birthday? They're terrified of. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Are you ready to be seen?

No. Are you ready to be seen? I've never been ready. You're a bird of paradise. Thank you. Okay, primal astrology, if anyone who isn't, is new to the podcast, this is the ultimate horoscope and astrology

and your Chinese year of the zodiac. pit in one and it is bang on every single time. If you deny it, it's because you are afraid of who you really are and that's on you to do the therapy requires to get there. Now, there's a lot more to it than this, but I would just do your general overview.

Don't fight it. You might feel awkward being seen. Don't be a cunt about it. Much like that animal namesake, members of Bird of Paradise primal zodiac sign a colourful, adventurous and naturally draw attention from those around them. Stop! It's not.

it's not they want to make the most out of life please so they make big goals and plans and truly believe in their ability to achieve them you cocky little cunt in truth they have more ability to achieve big goals

than many other primal zodiac signs as long as they can stay humble enough to see their lives for what they really are not what they want them to be with such big dreams a bird of paradise can easily get lost on the wrong path.

Oh dear me. They will chase a dream to the ends of the earth but if they've lost perspective it may be the opposite end of the earth they intended to be on it. They succeed mostly because of their confidence

and likability. You fucking... Can we ask Ruby for some feedback on this? No, their big personalities and ability to get things done, draw people in and make them believe in whatever the bird of paradise wants them to, you manipulator.

Oh, they are not manipulators though. They believe that. honesty is the best policy even that is true you love a bit of honesty Ruby's honest even when I prefer wait for this even if that honesty is offensive to others yeah it is fully like lie to me

buddy lie to me I'll say this we'll have a rebuttal but remember the confident and she does have a power to make us think what she wants us to think okay what do you think Ruby your big colourful bird do you agree I've never seen you wear anything other than black you're loud blousey bird it really sounds a lot more like

Rachel I will say that for my horoscope. It's not, it's you. Oh, thank you. Do you not feel? Are you gone all shy, Ruby? Never. What am I doing here?

What's your birthday? Oh, am I picking which one I am based on this? Yeah. What does first day mean? I'm not telling anyone what year I was born. It says first day, last day. First day last day. Yeah, so I'm a beaver.

Oh my God, water one's mentally ill. Go on, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually think you should read it because I think that might be the only way that you get to speak on the podcast. And for that, I apologize. That's fair. Oh, I'm down for this.

I'm sorry you were seen, Ruby. Okay. Jarl, I think, we'll see. We'll see. I think we may have gone on the opposite ones. No. Persist, well, let's say this bit.

Persistent, eccentric and romantic. Those born under the primal zodiac sign of the beaver are hard workers. Sorry, you're a beaver. I'm a bloody beaver. That's the gayest one. It's the most bisexual. It's the gayest ones.

It's actually pretty vibes. You're a beaver? Yeah. A beaver's gay? Bevers are, yes. Are you a beaver? Beaver. No, I'm a catfish. Of course.

Are you actually? Are you actually? I'm a catfish actually. Yeah, it's not, my one's not very nice. That's just tricking the world into us. Oh, goodness knows what, with your entire life of personality. Yeah. I'm meeting with Neve and Max in the new year.

No, once he invited you on here so that you could chat to us. I want to hear more about this fucking beaver bitch. Yeah. Beaver's a hard. workers he prefer to create their own universe rather than wait for life to happen to them. Beavers usually maintain a cool exterior

and can be straight and can be straightforward to the point of being blunt, that's so not true. They don't sugarcoat what they want to say. I sugarcoat literally everything. They consider that a waste of time. At the same time, beavers, this is true.

Beavis don't like to hear the hard truth about themselves. They hate it. You hate it. They fucking hate it. they want so badly to succeed and to avoid making mistakes that they often get too focused on the details and miss the big picture. Yeah, there's my guy.

There's my God. Beavis hate to look foolish or incompetent so they must always be one step ahead of everyone else which can be exhausting and it's often unnecessary. That was even dead and a tired town. Yeah, literally. Sort of like you're building a dam on a drought.

Yeah, so that's what it then goes on to say. They're building their dams around them. Oh my god Oh my god You don't like that It's made me feel so much more sympathetic for you than you Someone yeah someone Please please

It's really cute Compatibility love and friendship We didn't go this deep into yours We will go this deep in life Well Ruby was being quite resistant The Bird of Paradise Which makes me think It's so good though

And it makes me feel like you are You are hiding from yourself Yeah Because you are a bird A catfish would say that A catfish would say it. A catfish. I can't remember the catfish one now, actually.

We'll do yours next. No, no. Have we not done yours yet? I think we should talk to shelf who are here to us. Yeah, but we'll also do all of our thing and then we'll do it. Young beavers like to be out and about. I think that's so cute. Keeping up with the social scene in which they are well known.

Oh, my God, come. That is true. You can't go anywhere gay with Rachel and there's... You're born in 2001. That's a lie. That's a lie. It's true. Me and old born.

I would love it. Young, rung beaver, Rachel and the old bird of paradise. We both have very time. The old decaying bird of paradise. Oh, fine. I'm going to steal everyone's IDs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you also a beaver? No. You're a chick. I'm an orca. What even is that? I don't know, but that's water. So we're going to get some mental health stuff. Here we go. The more water, the more fucked you are. Let me just say, Ork is not engaging my eating stuff.

Let's see. She's a whale. It's a good start. Super smart. But they do work well in teams because of that Frozen Planet episode when they push the seal over. Oh, I saw that.

Also, my girlfriend's obsessed with whales. Oh. Interesting. By which I mean, she loves a curvy girl. No. She loves a girl who's constantly wet. Am all right? Oh, yo.

You know what? You're using. So the microphone as a prop is absolutely incredible. Oh, oh, oh. So we were recording our mailbag Christmas extra special and we realised that these coffees they drink have three shots of espresso in them. Are you having a second one? Yes.

Well, we're hanging out later so I thought I'd give you 100% of Helen. A second one? A hundred percent of Helen. Do you ever operate at that sort of a hundred? Yes. Yes, I do. You know what happens? Sad Helen.

No. Oh, poor fat Helen or sad. Oh. Stop crying and holding your belly We've been over this. I think it's so funny. Holding the tits are in your stomach. Oh,

Oh, God, please. Are you this bad at letting me explain my own, though? I'm sorry. As it is with their animal namesake, those born under the Primal Zadiac of the Orca have no natural predators. Astrologically speaking, they represent the very top of the food chain

in terms of leadership, respect and pride. I don't think this can be true. While they are truly warm-hearted, energetic and capable of all kinds of success, They also tend to have highly inflated egos. Yeah, that checks out. So far so good, I think. I think we can say that for, like, most people in the arts.

Because you've got to. I think we can say it more for me. Okay. Listen, I don't want to brag, but I think I have the biggest ego here. Orcas know that they were born under a fortunate sign and fully expected life full of adventure. The orca. No, because it's the mic, mine was like Torres and Rooster.

Your cancer, no? Oh, I don't know. No, you're not. What's your... August 13. What's the star sign and your zodiac? Can I get to that? Good Lord.

Sure, fine. I didn't know her as much to do reading in advance. I just thought we're going to do it quicker. It's such an easy question. They expect to be highly respected at the point of being worship. Wow. That was just the punchline of my show. That's so mad.

That is absolutely insane. It's easy for this powerful and majestic sign to lose sight of what's really important in life. For all the immense good in Orca is capable of many lose perspective on the contributing side of their nature, particularly when they feel they are not being given the reverence and appreciation they are due. Life is supposed to be a grand adventure for this king of the zodiacs. When there is no drama, they will invent it. Okay, can we all just please,

can everyone write a review on the Apple iTunes and leave comments on our YouTube videos praising Catherine? When they have no enemies to challenge them, they will create some. Oh my God. When everything is going fine, they will find a reason why it needs change. I think, yeah.

I think when everything's so, like, at the moment, you're having, like, an amazing time and everything's going right, and I think you're, like, waiting for something to go wrong or implode. I'm a Catholic, if that's what you mean. I'm not, but I was raised. Are Wales Catholic? At the same time, when there are real threats and adventures in their lives, this is a sign that should embrace,

they should embrace and conquer them as their nature intends. One of the key life purposes of an orca is understanding that reverence and respect is earned, not their birthright. Yeah. Andrew just did a really nasty little chuckle. More than any of. other sign, Orcas need a purpose

in life with goals to pursue. Love can be a big challenge for Orcas because they don't exactly believe in equality. I think that's enough of Catherine now. That is so good. I just want someone who adores and reveres me. I don't want to love them back.

I don't exactly believe equality. I thought you said you loved whales. I think that's a good one, Catherine. That's a really good one. That one was the most accurate than this little beaver over here.

Oh, bless. I'm like young beavers want to be involved. Yeah, that is cute. That is true. I've had a ability is with like a beaver of some kind. Yeah. That sort of like. I'm not flirting with you relax.

I just mean like, I mean like, you have to tell her. You have to tell her. She gets ideas. You have to be very clear with Rachel. And so what I'm saying is, but I think I, yeah, where somebody who just reveres me. Fascinating. A wife guy.

I need a wife guy. Yeah. I got a woke-go. Maybe you need to start like a religion. Are you looking at catfish now? This is me. I can't believe you're a catfish. What's your sign?

I'm a catfish. I don't, don't trust me. I'll fuck you over. Yeah, is that what it said? Yeah, that's it. I'll fuck up your life. That's it. That's a family motto.

It'll fucking end your life. Go on, let's hear it. Catfish are complex and somewhat mysterious creatures. So far so live. How are you complex? or mysterious. There's nothing mysterious. It's like me.

You desperately want to be mysterious. You absolutely can't be. I'm mysterious. I have a lot of stuff going on on the inside. Yeah, this is what I like to say. And then immediately on the outside. Yeah. She means an infection.

Go on. Far more than most people, those born under the sign of catfish will experience strong inner conflict during their lifetimes. That because catfish have two very different sides of the personality. that are difficult to get in sync with each other.

They are simultaneously strong, masculine and feminine, aggressive yet sweet, and active yet lazy. Members of this sign, am I not masculine and feminine? Yeah, you're definitely. You're absolutely. Members of this sign somewhat resemble a hyperactive child. Does it actually say that? Does it actually say that?

That's insane. It actually says. That's what. Can you send me the link for this website? This is actually imperfect. Yes, I've told you about it before. Why have I been paying for a therapist? Send me the link.

Members of the sign somewhat resemble a hyperactive child. They mean well and truly care about those around them, but sometimes they can't help but act out. They are genuinely kind and caring, but have a tendency to say the wrong thing and offend others. At all time. That's wild. Being a catfish can be frustrating as their actions don't always match their intentions.

They're typically social. In these difficult moments, members of the catfish primal zodiac sign will head off on their own, like their animal namesake as if they will think if they don't keep moving forward looking for a place where they'll finally feel comfortable.

Don't do your baby voice. Oh, poor little Catfish, Helen. Tiny Catherine. And Catherine's in the same sea as me. And Cavan. Oh, my God. You better keep moving. You guys a bit.

Andrew, can we quickly just back-check the crossover between Orcas and Catfish in the world just so we know. And can you please send me that link? I will. I think I've tried to make you, like, we've talked us in the podcast before. I'm convinced now as I've sent it to me.

Apart from rubies. No, I am. I am. One thing I will say about all horoscopes is they do not account for learned behaviours over the years. So like, your natural nature you're born with.

I really thought they were again. Don't cry, Helen. Helen, those are fake tears. Those are fake. We can all see your eyes are dry. Don't swim off on your. Fine. That was so sweet, Ruby.

Don't clip off on your own. No, I'm sorry I feel like I'm on an island. You have the driest eyes in the world. You're fine. Shelf, you're doing a show at Soho Theatre. Yeah. One of the day. It's the fourth to the seventh of January.

Great. There's a train strike that whole week. Yeah. Yeah, but lesbians love to walk and they walk fast. Get your boots on, girls. We're going to Soho. Take you, Pep, even with you. It's a lesbian night out.

You can just say take your beaver with you because it's take your beaver with you. Oh, like a hairy vagina. Oh, it didn't have to be hairy. Very droll. Very droll. Very droll. Very droll. You made your hairy. Like in the 70s. Yeah. Like in the seventh.

Where's that big bush out? You know, and the little lips just poking out. Like, blah, blah. Please stop. Okay. Okay, so the show is unfortunately called hair. And it's all about pubic hair. No, it's not.

It is. I've seen the show. It's incredible. But you do not see that moment when one of you goes to the audience and shaves someone's peed. You don't see it coming. But it does make sense, doesn't it?

It does. And it's really quite moving and touching as it happens. You are like, gosh, they've really shaved that person there. Yeah. And, you know, like, with those razor burn. Yeah. I would say, I've seen it twice.

And it's really, really good. And also, you guys are so fun. It's like, as your friend, it actually feels like hanging out with you as you are, which is so lovely. go see it if you can please it's all good also I mean it's quite a lovely

queer journey and then it is actually a horrible reveal at the end which is much worse than the pubs you loved that I cannot believe you said that I felt like it was written for me the ending I don't want to spoil the ending but you see

you see the exact amount that you want to see you see way more than you want to I think you want to see it I think people leave wanting more. No, I disagree. I wanted less. I wanted to put Jack back in the box. Thank you.

No, then. There'll be a cue for the toilet afterwards. Yeah. Because it is no to prepare the show's an hour. It's going. Wait, so 4th to 7th to January. Yes. Book in advance.

Don't believe it. Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. Don't be a dig about it. Shelf. There's two of you. Two heads are better than one. Four heads.

A lot, actually. Too many heads. Too many. Some would. But would you help us solve a listening problem? Please, we'd love nothing more. Good. Now, Helen, what are we going to do when the problem comes in? Be respectful.

And let's... The guest talk. There we go. That's my girl. All right. Honestly, such an awokely. She's really putting that catfish in her place. Like, who's the king of the sea? Me.

No, that's submarines with weapons on them. The king of the sea? Sorry, I believe there's a couple of Russian subs down there with some weapons of mass destruction. I don't think an orca would stand a fucking chance against that. Anyway, they're a problem. You're not bombing the whales? No, they're not.

Oh, how awful. Andrew, you got a problem for us? In the wild, by the way, there is no hawker catfish crossover. I knew it. Also, just politically really quickly. Don't bomb whales. No, I think we could all tell that, though. Naturally, we shouldn't be in the same.

No one wanted this. wow savage it's always such a tense moment when um helen used the adverb politically we never know where it's heading but politically i do think we should take a stance on this podcast once and you know finally don't put a bomb in a whale don't do it and you know i'm sick of saying it so how about that and i think i'm not to force you guys with my political agenda which is quite radical but um can we all to say it together don't bomb a whale don't bomb a whale don't bomb a whale don't bomb a whale don't bomb I'm a whale, and that's Helen from the top corner for the week. Fantastic. Thank you, Helen.

And support the strikers. Yeah, obviously. There's power in a union. Power in the land. Power in the hands of the worker. And it all comes to nothing if together we don't stand. There is power in the union. He's not wrong.

It's not wrong. But definitely go through those lines. The, yeah, go across the... This problem is from Al. Okay. Okay, Andrew, we're ready. Elle says, your podcast brings me hope every Thursday and it's truly the only thing that brings me joy on my 6am commute. Thank you, Al.

It's the only thing that brings them what? Joy on their 6am commute. Oh God, I'm glad there was... Yeah, that's terrific. Yeah, also, um, try and then brings me joy on my 6th. Thank God. You really gave a long pause there. Also, try a toasted croissant with cheese and cheese.

it, life-changer. Okay, or just keep listening to the past and the podcast. My problem is a bit of a bait lesbian one, so bear with me on this. Bit of a what? B-A-Lesbian. Like what's, oh, an obvious lesbian. B-A-I-T, well. I think obvious, yeah.

Yeah. I'm living with my best friend. What? Obvious. Bate means obvious. Oh, it means. Oh, I thought 2001. Okay, let's go.

2001. Shut. That is a well-placed fringe. let's go I'm living with my best friend who I've known for five years lovely when we were getting to know each other

five years ago we spent every day together declared romantic love for each other and have been intimate with each other now intimate how old is this person we've been

they've been courting and but anyway now they never speak of those times although they still have a very touchy-feely friendship and still have a lot of one-on-one time with each other and each other's families

most people in our lives assume we are dating my friend once expressed she did not want to date me as she is not gay but if I was a man she would that's the exact words there in quotation marks however my feelings for her still remain recently my friend has started a relationship

which has been really hard for me she is spending far less time at home and we've had a lot of fights over this I thought this would change our relationship however when we were sharing a bed the other day which we do often for comfort she's sorry how's that funny

No, it's just It's just more and more bait With every line, isn't it? Using that money of vocabulary, thank you. She started Such a good problem for shelf, by the way, I'm sorry, this is so good, Helen, you must let them answer. Go on.

She started hugging me from behind while spooning, kissing across my back and saying, Love you, baby. We often sleep spooning or with limbs covering each other but nothing like this has ever happened and it went on for most of the night.

I can't stop thinking about it. My question for you is, should I walk away now and never bring this up? Shall I assume she has sleepily mistaken me For the guy she's dating Which is why she's being so intimate Or should I address it as our friendship is so precious

And see what happens This is wild You lesbian mad women A little rollercoast That is such a rollercoast I have so many more questions I have a strong view You have a strong view

You have a strong view Yeah yeah yeah Here comes the orca Let's go You build your dam You bloody build it and you fly over it Okay Do you want to give us your perspective first?

Or shall I give you mine? Go and you go first and then because, yeah, I'm not sure. Here's my thing. Anyone who says to you, I would date you if you were something else, can do one. Oh. And while I think you can have that conversation, Rachel, you've got to stop dating straight girls for fuck sake. I love having someone else's a bit of a problem. I think, like, if you, I think you couldn't get past.

as friends but I think that if what is, it seems from the outside like this person wants to have their cake and eat it, she wants to have a boyfriend, not commit to you, change the nature of your relationship whenever she feels like it and then also assumes that you will never question her or make any

create any boundaries. So if you can't say, new boundary, I need to know what the fuck is going on and also stop saying that you love me or would date me if I had a dick and if that's not okay then she's not your friend. Interesting. Rachel's like, arm wrestle the man.

As I will say, as a regular recipient of Rachel's romantic advice, this will be insane. Am I not often right, though? My plans often come to fruition. Rachel, I'm listening. So I think, it sounds like this person really likes their flatmate person, friend person. They're in love, you freak. They're in love, right? Yes. what is happening ruby we gotta go so I'm kind of like

I'd try and like because I don't understand like if they if they started hooking up earlier why did it stop that's what I want to know because I feel like you'd upset over one detail well no I just think building a dam around the detail can we get this person on the podcast

I just think that like from my perspective yeah obviously you could do what you said but then what do you gain from that whereas you could also just like if it's not hurting your feelings too much long game it how is five years not the long game yeah that's true I forgot about the five years

but it's five years since they first hooked up is your answer seriously you're so gay is your answer seriously just keep hoping no I don't think it's keep hoping but I think it's like obviously this person like

likes the person likes her right fancies her obviously has this boy boyfriend, but I just think there must be a way to sort of like... Get her drunk, force her to break up with him and then sleep with her immediately. Wait. And I'm talking like properly drunk. Rachel's giving a pause.

What would you actually do? What would younger you do? Younger me. Younger than now is about 15. It wouldn't be legal. Just had stuff, like. back on your youth um i i just can't imagine it being in a scenario where it is just friends like it just sharing a bed for comfort that often that's not just friends she's using her she's using her

she's in denial and she's using her yeah then i think you got to yeah what did you say maybe confront her but i think like but like be like what's going on or get a girl get you she should get a girl There you go. And then... So seeds. I've known that was going to be your answer for so long. I was like, when is she going to get to what Rachel would actually do? Which is obviously immediately trying to get a girlfriend

and then traips the girlfriend around the house as much as possible. That's not what you would do? I don't know. I know, maybe not a girlfriend just like sleep with a few people and have them come in. So you've got like a... Like, because you don't know what's going to most sort of create jealousy. So you're like a few options. She's other women to get her attention.

Nice. That's my girl. I'd like to vote for Rachel's answer I'd like to second it I'll also say just think about the reality versus the idea of being in a relationship with this best friend because like the idea is just like a really sexy possibility

and it's like oh my God it could be and we know each of it so well but like really think about the reality of it like what life would be like with them that's a really good answer that's really good advice I'd now like to hear what Ruby thinks because I have a feeling it's going to be very good well okay so my thing is it sounds like

this person and their best friend have never spoken to each other about anything ever talk to her why is this happening yeah that's also true yeah I agree communicate also what did you do while like the friend was like kissing on the back and stuff like because I'd be like

hello I would like respond to that I literally be like we don't normally do this what's going on what's occurring I wouldn't just silently be you know, like, don't I'm like, what? If I stay very still, maybe she won't change her mind

and go back to her boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It sounds like this person is, like, scared of the best friend, like, leaving or something. Yeah, the full rejection. Confront, confront, confront. Radical honesty. Yeah.

What? So you're all going with my answer but acting like it was your idea. I don't think that's what you said, Catherine. Yours, what you said is actually really quiet. I think yours was like, make out with lots of people

or something like that. Sort of like. Can we also just say maybe look up which is primal sodium? and see if you're compatible. Just see, like, leave it to the stars. It'll probably be written. Also, I just think leave, like, a carabina around

and see if she picks it up and knows what to do with this. If she does, let's be in test people. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's not accurate, like those online quizzes are. Okay. What online quizzes? Oh, you've never done an are you gay quiz?

Oh, the Kinsey scale? Sure. The one where you, like, find out how gay you are? Mm-hmm. I've actually done it, I don't think. You don't need to. You're the straightest woman. You are the Kinsey's girl.

It's measured from you. I don't know why then do I have a woman on my t-shirt. Oh, and a man. Whoops, I'm fine. Hey, gang. Head out and see them on. Shelf, during their show Hair at Soho Theatre. January 4th to 7th.

There's a train strike. But you've got boots. There's buses. Come on. Those boots are made for walking And that's just what they'll do And one of these days These boots are going to walk to Dean Street

And see hair at this high theater That was really well done Also you can follow them at Shelf on Instagram and Twitter Also they run a very cool queer comedy collective Call The Law Word And that you can check out too So yeah if you're not already following Shelf When you like this podcast that really makes no sense to me

Agreed. Yes, so definitely follow Shelf and also follow at Mambo and Tango on Instagram. They're the cutest cats. They're both a bit Opie. One of them's got won'tky eyes

and I can't handle it. So go follow Mambo and Tango too. Did you just promo some fat cats than you promoted again? Yay. Okay. And for Mambo and Tango and Tango. A real difference.

No, my God. Thank you so much to our incredible executive producers to Guy Goodman to Simon Moors to Mary Fox to Annie Tonner to Sarah Harcay Deacon and to Oliver Dago we are so great thank you so much A massive thank you too to all of our producers to Richard Bicknell to Elle, Neil Redmond Victoria Hutchison Emma Walton Karen and David Bull

Harold Van Dyke Tim and Dom David Walker Rachel R Anthony Conway Sadie Cash for Claire Owen Jones Jess and Nick, Zoe, Sarah and Molly, Raya Fink, Cordelia, Rachel Page, Helen A, Tina Lindsay, Graham Marsh, Emily G, Amy O'Reardon, and Abby Worf. Thank you all so much. And thank you too to everyone who supports us on Patreon

who gets us, who pays us for the extra episodes. We are so tremendously grateful. And also, I think, honestly, for a fiver, I think an extra episode a week is worth it. Particularly because we're about to do another Christmas mailbag special. Particularly when we put all of our sexy and frankly gross actual secrets in the extras. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

We should really be paying you because you know too much. Bye.