Trusty Hogs - Ep65. CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

Catherine & Helen are here to fill the leftover haze of the Festive gooch with a “just close family” Christmas special, exchanging gifts, solving problems, and recovering from a Live Show hangover…Thank you so much for listening! Support us at https://www.patreon.com/TrustyHogs for exclusive bonus content, merch, and more! Trust us with your own problems and questions... [e-mail] Please give us a follow @TrustyHogs on all socials Be sure to subscribe and rate us (unless you don’t like these little piggies - 5 Stars only!)Thank you to our Patreon supporters...EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Moores / Guy Goodman / Mary Fox / Annie Tonner / Sarah Jarque-Deakin / Oliver JagoPRODUCERS: Richard Bicknell / Elle / Richard Bald / Neil Redmond / Victoria Hutchison / Emma Walton / Karen & David Bull / Harald van Dijk / Eddie Doyle / Tim & Dom / David Walker / Rachel R / Anthony Conway / Sadie Cashmore / Claire Owen-Jones / Jess & Nick / Zoë / Jo Holmes  / Sarah & Molly  / Alex Pugh / Josie W / Amy / Cordelia / Raia Fink / Rachel Page / Helen A / Tina Linsey / Sophie Chivers / Graham Marsh / Emily Gee / Amy O'Riordan / Abbie WorfWith Helen Bauer (Daddy Look at Me, Live at the Apollo) & Catherine Bohart (Roast Battle, Mock the Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats)FOLLOW HELEN, CATHERINE & ANDREW...@HelenBaBauer @CatherineBohart @StandUpAndrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Welcome to a very hungover hogs studio, the day after Trusty Hogs Live. This is episode 65. We hope you had a lovely Christmas. Catherine and Helen, how are you feeling? You have no right to look, Chipper. You have no right. We had a lovely time. Are you kidding?

We had a great night. Helen, first of all, first of all, I'm going to need you to use a quieter voice. Yes, you've seen. Yeah. Okay. And a quieter vibe? Frankly. Through the fog, step forth the trusty hogs. Yeah, you're going to give them your problems and they will solve them or maybe they won't and that's your problem.

They'll have guests and Andrew White on the tech. Oh, it's Helen and Catherine as the trusty. Hugs Trust the trusty hogs Or maybe not We had a lovely time An audacity of you Showing up here

With anything other than Frankly apologies And shame Is outrageous to me I said to Chloe Pets Do you know what Chloe Helen's going to feel Really embarrassing and sad tomorrow

So let's just be nice Rally round Rally round That's what we said You show up With a spring in my step Not a fucking But not even so much

As a hint of embarrassment Yes And when I tell you Listen If you're patrons You can get the live episode If you want to hear I guess

What seven drunk aunties And one body sound like You can check out Helen there I got fucked up You got so fucked up That in between the break When we were going back on stage You kept burping in my ear

Did I? And I was like Are you going to be sick? And you were like in the car home like it was a strategy choice and then you somehow kept

finding more bottles of wine you're drinking no longer from a glass from a bottle when I came then and you were like I'm done I've drank my order

I'm going home I was like great I go up to get my coat I come back down what are you doing at the bar fucking tequila shots yeah no I don't remember this

you clutched the prececo out of my hands so many times I thought you were going to break the glass Oh dear. You drank all my drinks, too.

Whoopsies. I honestly, I remember the wine bottles, but I don't know where they came from. I know the first one was Andrew, but I feel like I might have taken one of our audience members' bottles of wine. You were opposite, Kinger. You kept pulling them out of you. I was so mad at you. I was really pissed. I took two buses home, and at one point I was doing my bus change, and I was listening to, like, sad.

dabba songs, you know, like when all is said and done, thinking about my parents' divorce. Just like looking sad on the street, like, absolutely trashed. I knew you were hammered because you kept saying that you loved and liked me. And I was like, she's absolutely gone. Neither of those things could be through. I tried to kiss you twice. I remember that.

You were not in the mood for it. No, you really went for full mouth. And I was like, you can have a cheek. It was a shame because we really went different directions with our drinking. Like we were both drinking, but you... I was drinking to cope. Oh, really? Yeah.

So I thought we were going to get fucked up altogether, but I got fucked up. You went... The things we could have, we could have. You went so hard, so early. Yeah. That about 15 minutes in, it was apparent you were gone. Yeah. Like, I couldn't make eye contact with you.

I couldn't do it full stop. Like, you kept trying to flash the audience, but forgetting you had a T-shirt under your jumper, so it was like less affected than you hoped and then you didn't get the reaction you wanted, so then you needed to drink more. It was really like a desperate child at Nativity play. I do remember doing a lot of waving at people in the audience.

And a lot of them being like, okay, sweetheart, okay. Oh no, we see you, darling. Like, oh, look at that big fat one, all confused. And I was like, oh, hello. And people were just like, okay, sweetheart. Oh, was that adult crying? Can't get the episode. But I, if you're fans of Chloe Pets, I mean, she smashed it.

When she was allowed to talk, she was so fucking funny. I had such a good time. It was really fun. And also, like, I'm not saying... Did you? I'm so glad you had a good time. I was really... I was so stressed. I couldn't enjoy myself. I got fucked up, but then I got up early this morning,

had a kebab for breakfast, and had my first, um, rehydration tablet. And now I'm having my second one. It's somewhere in that pile of gifts there. Because I woke up at 11 and had to get an Uber because I was so fucking exhausted. Oh dear. I had a lovely morning. My shoulders hurt from the stress of it.

Me and Sunil did a self-tape this morning. Did some improvising? No joke. I'm not joking. I actually hate you right now. I'm a god. I'm a god. Again, I'm going to have to ask you about the indoor voice. Thank you. Oh, yes.

It's so tricking people say things like indoor voice because it's like, I don't think my voice changes. You scream everywhere. So it's like indoor voice. I can't make out if I should be offended by that or not. Oh, what I'm asking you to do is please be quiet. Be quieter. Yeah, whichever.

Catherine. Oh, God. I think you only managed to drink one glass of Prosecco because I drank all of yours. What's happening with you? People kept buying me prosaco glasses. because they kept watching you steal mine and then I was drinking them so fast because I was worried you're going to steal them

you know when you're like in sort of like a finite resources situation so you down it because you're like she's coming for it then I actually ended up accidentally getting quite drunk too but in that way that only hit me as Andrew drove me and my girlfriend home

I know because we lived near the venue you went to get chippies well we don't live together she lives near the venue oh yeah they don't live together I know how's like proud of me Four months in

I'm so proud of you. It's not even on the card. It's so good. Can I explain what I think happened last night? Yeah, and then I'll tell you what actually happened. I have a strong theory. This is obviously coming out just a couple days after Christmas. This is coming for us a couple days before Christmas.

Oh wait, you might actually know the theory. I'm warming up into Christmas drinking and I didn't do it the day before Trustee Hoggs Live because I was at a one-year-old's birthday party. And if you get fucked up at a one-year-old birthday party, people get weird. You know, Helen, some people feel that way about work. So, oh, trusty hogs live isn't work. Like, come on.

I mean, one of us needs to stay on it, but that's you. So then I don't have to do it. Like, I'm the classic, like, pass the buck. Like, she'll be grand. She loves timings. And then I just sort of run around just like, I mean, you managed to keep it together. You wouldn't let me go on stage in the second section for a bit. You needed water.

I needed water, yeah. Very dehydrated. She did not drink, by the way. When I went to say the glasses, there was a full pint glass of water. You shit back, you lied. I don't think I lied. You are honestly uncontrollable when you're drunk.

Here's what I'd say to you. I'm a big girl when I'm drunk. So, like, it's quite tricky to, like, physically restrain me. It's like the different, yeah, I guess, yeah. It's like when babies start to be able to. Oh, my God, I threatened to kill someone. Yeah, that checks out. Who did I threaten to kill?

Me at one point. The other, the body slam. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Can we edit that out? No, no, no. What Helen explained was that

much like a snorlax does a body slamming in Pokemon. Yes. She, a bigger woman, can accidentally kill smaller women when they offend her and say that she fell on them. Yes, why would I say that? To be fair, because some absolute content called you fat during a game.

Oh, yes. Oh, my God, that's why. I was like, maybe it was just someone in the audience and I was like, oh, fucking nerdy you. No, no, no, no. No, it was that horrible, horrible woman who said in a horrific thing and was really, like, gross. And you were being funny.

You were being funny. We were being banterosaurus rexes. Look. Can I say? Can I say my theory on the world? Yes. My theory, and I think I can say this because if you think about it,

it's the 29th of December, really. Are you paler? Obviously I'm pale. Okay, right. Yes. Yes, I'm paler. Yes, I look, I look at wrecked. Look at my fucking hair.

I'm not going to comment. I'm walking a hell in today. This happened. Just half up, I didn't even bother straight to the top of Brisbane. Like, yes, I'm being you today. I haven't got any makeup on, no offence. Even when you're hung over before, you do, you put in a bit of effort. Today you've really gone, there's no point in living.

Like, you've given up to an extent I love. Did you shower this morning? I showered last night when I got in. Yeah, me too then, yeah. No, I actually did. No, I did too, yeah, obviously. Can I tell you why? Yeah.

It's because they're straight. of you, I honestly, I don't think I've sweat that much at a gig. I went home, like, absolutely, like, reeking. I was so nervous and anxious because you were just like, you were absolutely, I couldn't gauge where it was going. It was all over the shop as well. It was like, she was sad, she was happy, she was angry, she was mean, she was kind, she was so sad.

Here's what I think happened. Now, I want you to remember that we're in this scenario post-Christmas, so I think you can hear this. Okay. I think you don't like Christmas. Yes. I think you were worried about going home for Christmas. Yes.

I think the pressure of a forced good time was getting to you. And I think last night was overtly Christmas-y and vibe. And I think as a way to deal with that, you accidentally drank two and a half bottles of wine and tequila and all of my Prosecco, apart from the ones I dend while you weren't looking. I think, oh. Question?

I think you're correct. I feel seen. But I do think it's dangerous to go into Christmas without warming up you'll ever. Oh, no. And I will stand by that. I agree. Can I also say that I think even as drunk as you were, you're a real good time. You are genuinely a good time. And you're a great time when you're on the timing. And I hate to say it, but people were absolutely loving it. Like the amount of enablers in that crowd.

I don't know if they were, to be honest. No, they were. Hell, not only were they like, it's so funny, which it was. They were also like, we'll buy our drinks. And I was like, is anyone else counting the drink? Like, can we just keep an eye? Like, you were drinking tequila when I came down because somebody in an Irish shirt and, and a shirt that said with Oswalga that said Qness in a shirt

that said what? The person who was buying you tequila on the night I come down and the audacity

of it there's an Irish person stood in a t-shirt that says Do you mean Chloe? Whoever was buying

you the tequila Yes there's an Irish person stood in a t-shirt that says Q-ness which means

shush be quiet buying the loudest woman in the world loud fuel that's funny with salt and lime that's funny

What is this treachery pick a lane do you know what I mean pick a lane? I haven't been drunk like that in so long. No. Like it was incredible.

It was so nice to be that pissed. Like I, because like you, how often do you actually get properly shit face these days? I find it really hard to get that drunk because I just, I'm so bad at letting go of control. Oh, so you just have to really, like, everything is water. And if you go into that mindset, everything's fine. Like, wine will slip down if you think, oh, I've been in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. Oh, I'm so dehydrated, but you have to do the mental play. Right.

The downing wine in general is one of the harder things. You have to make yourself the Messiah and then go. I am God. Hey, Jesus, baby. Jesus and God not go into the desert? It was Jesus. Just send his son. 40 days, 40 nights for Lent.

That's how Lent came about. What a tricky father-son relation to. It is hard, right? It is honestly one to unpack. Let's talk about this, because we've never done this on the podcast before. What's your favorite Bible story? Andrew, I would like you to be getting up your favorite Bible story too, because I feel like it's between.

Christmas and New Year's, I feel like next year we are all going to discover a religion and I encourage us to. Can I say? I like the one with the animals. Can I say? Oh, the two by two it's only for heterosexuals, both, yeah. No, the one where they fuck the animals. Isn't that one where they do that?

Fuck the animals. Excuse me? Yes. Have it a hut? Isn't there like a beast reality of the Bible? Yeah, yeah, I mean, probably. Hey, can I just flag something that I'm actually not going to pick one because here's a thing. You know how in therapy you've been working on how you emotionally need to be more open so that you can receive love.

Yes, ma'am. Okay, well, hey, look at you. Didn't even make a joke. I have been working on unpacking and I'm picking the black and white moral values that Catholicism gives you when you're raised in it to an extreme and an incapacity to be imperfect and to be in the grey area. So I'm going to say, I don't want to really like them. I wouldn't pick a story.

I wouldn't want to. I don't want to. I don't really like them. That's interesting. So like picking what makes sense to you and like something that you agree with and things that are like just part of the religion that you grew up with but actually don't sit correctly with you. I think it's more that when you exist and are raised

in what is good and bad based on like the premise of the working premise of Catholicism is that you are imperfect and bad. Yes. And that you will consistently make mistakes for which you should feel guilty and sorry such that you might become eventually like God, i.e. perfect.

and although you never can but also that like things are good or bad things are sinful or holy but you're born with original sin it's still that Christianity thing yeah but it's also just like I just have this like incredibly strong sense

that if I do bad I'm a bad person as opposed to like good people can make mistakes and be imperfect and let people down and that they're not like at their core a deeply bad person this is getting to us here no it's not I'm interested in it because I was I mean I'm not like

my family's not originally it's like yours, but I think it is interesting. I think, I mean, obviously I was raised early 90s. I went to an incredibly religious school and I was raised in a country where at the time the laws were, and still are, largely then dominated by Catholicism

and I was raised in a very Catholic village and household. And so I, yeah, I just, I'm just unpacking a lot of this stuff. It's tricky. But also what's interesting is I really thought, I stopped going to mass

when I was 18, very, very very, like, strongly came out against the church when I was in 19. I thought I was like, intellectually, I've done so much work on, like, understanding why I'm anti, both institutional religion and specifically Catholicism. Because you're very smart. But I'm actually allowed, like, still using all the same rules

in terms of, like, the judgment of myself, which is fascinating. And my therapist, too, is great, was, like, you can intellectually understand things and not have changed your core beliefs. For example, I think a more relatable one is, like, I intellectually, and from a feminist perspective, understand why. Eve ate the apple. Yeah, obviously.

She a ho. She's hungry. She's hungry. No, but like, speaking, that's kind of what I'm going to, which is like... Really? No.

Oh, no. Okay. Which is like I can intellectually understand that, like, there's not one good body type. But my core beliefs, like intellectually, I'm like, that's some, like, anti-feminist bullshit. Yeah.

My core beliefs are so savage to myself. Yeah. So it's interesting. And it's interesting how one doesn't change the other. You have to do the work. God, it's boring. No, no, I'm there with the body type thing. But I think the thing, like, I would love to normalise

is, like, facial hair on women. Like, that's the one that I'm getting most frustrated about. I know a lot of women with facial hair. Because the older I get, the more it feels like an actual, like, task. Oh, yeah, I agree. And also, like... And it hurts so stubborn, because I raised it. so much. Oh no, don't razor and don't wax.

I don't, yeah. You have two options, I think, to be honest with you. Threading. Threading, which hurts like a bitch. So I just think, Viet, facial for skin, facial hair removal for sensitive skin. Like Mrs. Doubtfire. Thank you so much. I feel really awkward now because I want to do

gifts with you, but I have bought you a leather-bound Bible. Another one. What I've done is I've misjudged the situation. It's Christmas. Let's share gifts Look, you're packing up already I'm really excited about gifts

I love free stuff You love gifties I love freez Say gifties say gifties I love gifties I actually love givis from you because you're quite good at them No press

Okay do you want me to go first Because yours arrived this morning And you still have to put it together yourself I have to finders in my email So one second What And yours I need to tell you something as well

Before I send it to you Oh my God Oh my God oh my god I know what it is I know what it is is it Legoland no okay is it Autumn Tower's thought part

I'm a bit forward to you Holy shit Before I do Before I press that I'm just going to say to you Okay Hi Helen Bauer Hi I know we're never really that's sincere

on this podcast Oh no But I love you And I think that you work really hard And I think that The thing that you Do for everybody else Is treat them and take care of them quite well

and remember literally everything about them which is so fascinating and kind and you're such a good friend and I think that you deserve nice things and I definitely think you deserve to relax because you work harder than anybody else I know so it won't be Shrek Adventure but I am just sending you

thank you it's for a facial like Cowshed where's Cowshed what's Cowshed? It's a posh lady place in Primrose Hill oh my god I by the way blew my entire budget on hell and I'm so sorry.

I hope you understand. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Wait, so I... Everybody will not be getting facial at the cow shed, but she just needs to relax. Get a facial you deserve rest in extravagance. Oh my God.

Oh my God. You think my skin's bad. Oh, my God. Oh, and also, I think your skin's disgusting, and I'm sick of looking at it. That's a really nice... And it's called cowshed because I think you're a cow. That is ha-ha-ha-mo-mo-mo.

That's a really nice gift. I really wish I went first. I did not. Oh, fuck it. But I was just saying to genuinely saying to Em and Andrew, I accidentally blew all my budget on you. So I actually wish I'd given them theirs first because they've got nicer skin. I know.

I know. That's objectively true. But the question is, Dale should I have spent more on them. And I apologize. Look, listen to our extras. if you're a patron and we're going to be doing all the gift swapping. Me and Catherine are just doing ours now. So you have to close your eyes.

Oh yeah, we'll give Andrew and M theirs and we'll presumably get good from them because like it'll be weird if we get them. Also, I don't, I'm sorry, Andrew and M. I don't want to be difficult. But Catherine's gift is very nice and generous to me, but there is also a chance you bought that this morning in the car. So we can't, we can't give a too much praise because we never know. Okay.

Look at the date on the email. Look at the date on the email. Today it will be like August. Look at the date on the email from the couch is. Okay, so it expires on the 28th of November next year So I'm assuming you bought that on the Twitter You fucking freak It's not cool

Okay, Catherine The idea that I'd have waited until December To buy Christmas gifts is so offensive Close your eyes Okay, grey or white I don't want to choose Okay Gray or white

What kind of interest is that Well it just sort of all arrived this morning And then I had to Can I open my eyes then? Oh no, no no no no no what's happening oh lovely lovely are you unpacking are you building it right what are you building no not building really and that hard to keep my eyes with why there's so many parts yes well two parts this is fun because you can have the listener experience here katherine

yeah i'm doing this audio medium i don't i'm quite like anxious to know what it is i don't think that um this level of suspense works in audio form No, probably not. Oh, no, what's that? Ow, you're pulling my hair. A tinsal halo that's gone and capping there. I hate that. Oh, no, one second. I haven't opened my eyes one time.

Why do you sound like an absolute farce? Like, you sound like a pantodame? What's happening? It's like an audio version of Mr. Bean. I don't know if it works. Yeah, I don't like it. Okay. Merry Christmas.

Whoa, what is this? It's a card. You got me a card and I didn't get you a card. Oh, I actually look ravishing. It's incredible, isn't it? This tinsel is genuinely, I look like a sort of like Celtic warrior. Okay, but don't read it. Don't read it's embarrassing.

I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I didn't get you a card. I just said nice thing in face. Ah. Is it nice? It's so funny that you think this is like so embarrassing. It says, I love you so much.

My pig sister forever and friend for always. That is actually pretty embarrassing. But I also just gave you a long letter like two weeks ago. So I feel like I couldn't double down on it. Oh my God. It's framed. It's a framed picture of us. It will be a framed picture of us and I love it.

The photo didn't arrive until this morning. I actually love that so much. Do you love it? I've never seen this photo. We look gorgeous. I love it. Hey, look, it's in Edinburgh. For Flatty.

And your flat's like white and grey. I've got a white frame of you. This is gorgeous. This is gorgeous. But it'll be nice when it's framed. I actually love that. Do you love it? Oh, good.

I'm glad you love it. Oh, my God, that's gorgeous. Oh. I'm going to frame that. Well, it's nearly done. It's nearly done. And it's nearly, nearly wrapped, nearly got wrapped and everything. I absolutely love that you got me a photo of you for Christmas.

I had a feeling that was going to come up. But I thought it was such a nice one of the two of us. I love it so much. And we don't have any, like, framed nice photos of us to. Completely concur. And I thought, and it's a Habitat frame. Yeah, pretty fancy. From Sainsbury's.

Hey, it's still habitat. How do I get this? Isn't that lovely? You are now just listening to me framed this. And frankly, I have OCD, so none of us have the time. We do not have the time for this. But isn't that lovely? That's so, and then you open this, Catherine.

Okay, sorry. Coming. Catherine. Yeah, coming. Sorry. I'll frame it. Oh, that doesn't sound good. If I framed it, you just reframe it anyway.

Yeah. I'm going to reframe it at home anyway, so I'll just pop that in for now. Oh dear Cute Do you love it? I love it so much We look like we're getting married That's really nice

Thank you that's so nice You're welcome Whoa have you broken your own rule What's my own rule Have you bought a book for Christmas You kicked off and you got a book But this book benefits me This book benefits me

What is it? I got Andrew a book last year of his poetry Oh Oh yeah Because you have to read it Thank you. And then we'll go. To Cordova.

That's so nice. Yes. Helen wants to go on holidays to one specific place, so she's bought me a book about the specific place and the hopes that I too will want to spend money to go to that on that holiday. Okay, yeah. So the book I've been banging on about for ages. I've decided that now it's my purpose to go to Cordova where they go in the book.

And now I think Catherine needs to come on this spiritual journey with me. I can't wait. So now you have to read the book. This is so nice. I thought our limit was like 15 pounds. No, it was. It was. It was.

It was. Thank God. It was. Can I be clear that I am... Okay, well then it went over with the tinsel, so I'll take that back. What is the book for the way? No, I looked gorgeous with the tinsel. It's called All My Mothers.

Are you just being jealous and the tinsle could look so like that me? It's called All My Mothers and it was actually a gift that I got given from one of our listeners called Ellen, who's from Cambridge, or lives in Cambridge, and now I'm obsessed with it, and now I'm making Catherine read it. Do you love everything? I genuinely love everything. I also can I tell you that? I can't believe I'm having a facial.

This is so nice. Where is the place? And there's a couple, but there's one in Primrose Hill, which is so nice that I could meet you for a couple. Is that by Notting Hill? Oh my God, we could do the, we could reenact Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant and then go for a facial.

No, I'll be Hugh Grant. No, I'll be Reese Ethan's. That makes more sense. The ladies love grey. I can't do the accent. What's the yoghurt? Like apricot soaked and honey. Is that what it is?

Something like that. I can't remember, but ladies love grey is what I remember. Ladies love grey About his pants Oh dear me How crude Catherine Okay Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Let's do a problem But Merry Christmas It's so funny that I got you a facial And you got me your face That's just Oh my god you look beautiful We look so cute

It's so cute We look gorgeous I actually love it and Helen and we have a massive favour to ask you. We have been so fortunate to be nominated for the National Comedy Awards in the Comedy Podcast category. However, as yet, we are only long listed, which is such a thrill, but we are desperate to get on the short list, so eager. And the way you can help us do that if you're a listener is to go to National Comedy Awards.com. If you don't listen to us on Patreon, if you don't, if you are wondering how you can support us, this is genuinely so easy. It's

free and it would mean so much to us. So it's National Comedy Awards. dot com go to the comedy podcast category and vote for trusty hogs and also tell your friends maybe share it online if you could we would be so appreciative either way you have till the 6th of January and we are begging you to vote for these guys because frankly we just want a night out fight for the pigs hello we interrupted that episode to give gifts to em and and Andrew and to receive gifts from Em and Andrew. While they momentarily opened there as Helen screamed about how she hadn't been

given one in a minute. You can listen to the extras by joining our Patreon. Please do. It's only three or five pounds a month. Also, Andrew, only got me one thing because mine's delayed in the post. Helen, support the workers. Two things. I do support the workers. I just don't support the lies. That's a bold accusation.

Yeah, it's pretty intense. Hey, we also did some really good tips on getting through the Christmas Gooch, this perinium between perennium taint between Christmas and New Year so I'd say check it out Helen

My hangover's kicked in I'm not going to lie Has it now I did notice your tonal shift I think what happened there is you got over excited about getting free gifts and then you kind of gave yourself

a headache Is that right? Yeah I saw it happen I saw it happen I'm in a bad way you do deserve that though no offence

I feel like it was unfair that I came in with a bit of a hangover I feel a little bit better now but you truly yeah no offense you deserve it. I don't feel what.

You deserve it. I'm gonna, I don't want to solve any of your cunt's problem. Okay. I think all of you can just go fuck yourself. Helen? But you want advice, you know,

you figure it out. Helen, stop fake crying. Okay. First of all. I don't know if I am fake crying. You are. It's like a combie. No, you're a fake,

you're faking right now. I know sometimes I know what you mean. Like, it's like when you go to fake an orgasm and sometimes it's actually gets it. Yeah. I get it. I guess. That is such a miracle when it happened, but it means that you go to fake too often.

I know, I know, I know, tell me about it. Listen, to rewind, God, I don't miss having sex with men. What was I saying? You were crying something about Christmas. Oh, yeah, no, you can't call the listeners cons and you can't say that we don't care because ultimately they pay our bills and we do very much care because they've been good to us.

Thank you. Thank you, please support the podcast. Andrew, frankly, Helen and I have nothing left say to each other and we're deeply hung over so should we get through some problems yeah sounds don't mind if we do i'm gonna vomit up a cab so you're not you haven't you thought you had a cab today helen breakfast cab isn't it i'm gonna vomit it up you're gonna vomit it yes helen look at me get a grip get a grip do you feel better yeah get a grip thank you all right ready ready cool so i actually saved some cards from last night so we we did a live audience problems in

live hogs which you can go listen to at Patreon but Andrew won't but know what the problems are these are the ones with enough detail oh my god these people wrote essays on cards at live hogs these cards are so tiny and people have written so much detail on them and so I hope they don't mind as long as we keep it anonymous to doing these problems let's do it so these are the ones that didn't make it give you an idea of

the quality that oh yeah the live show was the problems were phenomenal also if you're listening to the woman who said that she didn't fancy your boyfriend anymore and then we transpired as probably gay I think you're cool and brave and I hope it goes okay with the boyfriend but also genuinely everything's going to be all right yeah because you've got a really great sister

you guys are really sweet that sister was dreamy she had her hand the whole time God I loved them as a sibling dynamic but also truly we support and love you stop burping I'm all right what is wrong with you I've got the sweats Okay, go for a problem.

Okay. Andrew, we're ready. God. This is from, I'm just, yeah, okay. Oh, I can smell you from here. I'm a bad way. When the jump in. Do not fart, Helen, I swear to go, look at me.

It's not a fart thing. Okay, good. Like, I've just suddenly got very heated. Okay. This is such a small room. Go on, Andrew. Without sounding wanky and show off, this is from F. Hi, F.

How do I deal with the guilt of having disposable income when friends don't? Especially as until a year ago, I was also on shit minimum wage. But now I've got that disposable income. I feel guilty that I got more time and money than my friends. I swear they do this in an episode of Friends. We're like Joey, Rachel and Phoebe. Like we don't have any money and the others are like, let's go to this concert, let's do this, let's do this. And they feel really bad and they try and figure out how.

they can do stuff altogether. I will say this. The guilt is, you've put it on yourself. I doubt your friends are putting it on you. Like, obviously you're not going to be suggesting really expensive things that you know is out of their price range because you were just in that situation as well. You can save it.

Feel free to treat people, but it's your money. You can put it to the side. And if that doesn't work, get rid of your poor friends and just hang out with rich people. that is the perfect punishment for people who don't want to change anything about their lives is like you have to just hang out with rich people

hey here's my thinking your guilt is coming from one of two places either you know that capitalism is unfair not a lot we can do to change that but so like you're taking on the guilt of an institution that is not entirely your fault although obviously we can challenge that by

like looking for like workers rights and you can also absolutely disperse your wealth if you genuinely feel so guilty just give your friends some money or pay for things but people always want to accept that no they don't in which case you don't have to but you can give it to charity those people are worse off than you too

if you don't actually want to do that then you would be approximately 99% of people because you're allowed to within a capitalist structure want things like security capitalism is unfair absolutely but now that I make more money

Am I giving all of my money to my friends? No, am I desperately, desperately, desperately trying to save. So at some point in the next 10 years, I can have a home that can't be taken out from underneath me at the whim of a landlord. Sure I am. I don't know that that makes me a bad person. I think it probably...

Money can be tricky. It's so hard. I'm going to say this, I got... So in comedy, like, you will, like, are nothing for ages, and then you might just get a job, which gives you, like, a big windfall. So the first one of those, I got...

I paid for 35 people to go bowling. and it was it's so expensive but I was like this is on me no well they had a nice night and I pushed Chloe pets on the ground but you actively

you actively stopped yourself from I don't think any of those people don't let you do that the next time I paid for two friends to go to Disneyland this is what I'm saying is you blew your but I don't think that helps anybody right they are then

I don't know no look I'm not judging anybody in that scenario I understand your decision making but I'm just saying like ultimately like bowling makes a small difference then, but that money for you would have made such a big difference deposit wise. I don't know, it's so hard. Money's so ick. Here's what I will say is

don't talk to your friends who don't have the disposable income that you do about how guilty you feel about how you have money now. Absolutely not. And also... But feel free to like lead the rounds at the pub. Yeah, and also, yeah, I do agree with that. I completely agree. If I'm out with friends who I know I make more money, then I always try to pay for dinner.

But I also would say like pay proportionally, for example. Like if I am, especially if I'm dating somebody who makes less money than me. I think everything should cost you the same percentage of your income. That's my personal way of dealing with this. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, like say

I'm not currently living with somebody, but say we were doing rent, I think it should cost you the same percentage of your income because then it costs you the same. Sourcing being gay. Remember the guy pays. It's just so much easier because straight women can't do percentages. Thank you.

I'm so helpless. But in lots of circumstances, people are having the rent and the women are doing, getting screwed in that scenario because of the pay gap. Listen, I'm just saying, um, it's a, I think if you want to have conversations the name is fucking me over. No, you're not in a relationship. Oh, right.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't stress that enough. He's not fucking you. Yeah, no, I know. Yeah, full stop. Um, this is a really hard when money is so hard. I think with where you can be open and honest do, where you, burn it.

Genuinely analyze where the guilt's really coming from and then maybe endeavor to do something about that. Donated to the raw family. they're having a hard time but if you just want to kind of be appeased by something that like everybody's trying to aim for

by the way that's the thing is also remember like ultimately everybody does want to have security you're not a bad person for wanting that I'm sponsor an animal at zoo and name it after your poor friends that'll be nice

well I think she's nailed it there next also it's not braggy to be like I have some disposable income This is the thing that annoys me about, like, when you, I've watched my parents, like, come from working class backgrounds, get to a middle class place. They have so much guilt about, like, they won't ever, they never do anything for themselves. And it's like, just, I think you can have an appropriate amount of understanding that you are fortunate and that your opportunities have gotten new places and then think actively about how you can meaningfully impact people who haven't been given those opportunities.

But I think just being like, take everything off my back. doesn't actually help anybody and I'll tell you what the wealthy aren't doing it they're upholding structures that keep them wealthy maybe we should be on picking structures that keep other people poor if we have the disposable income I would say on the buying

friends things as well like it's very careful not to like end up chasing that dragon is that the phrase do you say chasing the yeah that's interesting for we because like I've certainly had it before all my friends are like coming out at university and stuff and I've actually kind of been very lucky to have a job and you get them gifts and stuff

and it doesn't last you say they're nice in the moment but it's not like a long term meaningful thing so you just kind of end up keeping buying them gifts and buying them events and stuff and yeah it's taken me a while to step away from that and I'd realize that they want you as a friend not because of what you get them

I've fallen into that rabbit hole of just like feeling the need to pay for everything with people in the hopes that that's where is where my value comes from I think we spoke about before haven't we that sort of like need to sort of like lead it financially and sort of like be like oh thank so much for hanging out with me I've got to pay for your drinks because you're doing the burden of hanging out

with me like and it's like yeah it's weird but those things do come with age and also with like being more comfortable in your friendships like the older you get like your friendships inevitably do get a bit you have like maybe a couple less than you once had but they're also like secure enough for these conversations

to not feel awkward in any way the big thing is making suggestions of things to do together that are not massively expensive so that nobody feels awkward so that even if you pay you don't end up feeling resentful and if they pay they can manage it like i also think like god nothing thrills me more than when someone says do you want to go for a walk yes please i'd love to go for a walk we can get coffees it's free now that devastates me no but it's free i like i just i'm everything cost so much money in this city i can

it's like it's everything so stressful take me to the cinema on a wednesday or me a cat movies but interesting question and one i think I'm sorry if that's not very helpful it's actually just so tricky isn't it Pay to join a fucking union hell yes that helps everyone too fucking right it is expensive you're dead right

and also like if there are if there's a specific access point that you're noticing all of your friends are coming up against and there's something you can do to fund the unpacking of that do that

that's nice that's a good idea that's a really nice idea Um, would you like another problem? Yes. I do actually have the context for this because I talk to the person on the night. Uh, this is from tea. Hi, tea. Uh, my mom has decided to not to come to our wedding.

Uh, this is the same sex, uh, gay wedding. Uh, what is the most passive aggressive way to tell her she's wrong? So this person wants to be like, fuck you, you're being stupid, but also wants to be it like in a, you know, like, come on, fuck you, you're being stupid rather than aggressive. Is she not coming because they're gay? Because of religion, yeah. Oh, wow. I think that you... Probably an old-school witch-dunking.

I don't know. Witch-dunk the mum? Witch-dunking, yes. Yes. Put the mother in a chair and witch-dunk her. Is what I would do. I feel like everyone's going to quiet. Yeah, I think that's because probably

we've all experienced the terror of your parents rejecting you because of your homosexuality. But no, the witch-dunking thing's totally an option. I knew it. You were just thinking over the logistics of the dunking stool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's hard to get. You can't find a dunking stool every shop anymore.

You're so right. But those ones that you get for shorter people to get up on their, to their high shelves in the counters in the kitchen, they come in a, that's not a dunking stool. You could repurpose, I'm just saying. You could repurpose. Okay, I guess, but I think you and I have a very different idea about what makes a good dunking stool.

If they're more readily available. For me, a good dunking stool has a leverage system and it's wooden. you're kidding yourself you think you'd be able to buy that bit of kit in a shop but that's on you that's all right what would you oh this is such a tricky one

honestly I hate your mum and I want to fucking slap her up I have two thoughts I have two thoughts the first is the first is I'm going to give you my my first reaction

and then my second in the order that they came to me the first is why do you want somebody who doesn't support your marriage or think that you're an equal person to them at your wedding I know she's your mom

but like you have to look at her all day and look at her in the photos or out of the photos or like and know that she doesn't actually think that your love is worthy of celebration in which case leave her out because the most passive aggressive thing you can do

is go and enjoy your wedding with so many people who love you and genuinely want to celebrate you and trust trust that she will spend the day knowing that that's what's happening and that that will if she's in any kind of a human person will know at her so that's what I would do

but secondarily my second thought is I know what it is to have a religious parent and I also know it is to love a parent and possibly have hope for their capacity to change beyond their own understanding of their capacity to change for the future which is I think where I would go with my mom

in that conversation I think I would say that I loved her I'd probably write a letter because I think it's really hard to have those conversations and also those conversations cost you so much much more than they caused her. I think I'd say that I loved her and that I'd say that

you as a family and a collective were going to share those memories for a long time and that your worst case scenario is that she will not have that shared experience with everyone else when they're talking about it in 20 years from now. Yes.

And that also, here's the most pass-ag thing I think you can do with moms. If you have any intention of having children. Oh, I so knew it was going to be withholding grandchildren. No, no, I would say what you'd love for her to be able to do is talk about that day with her grandchildren because then the other alternative scenario is

or you could tell you weren't there you want to explain why my mom so I was like you would like her to have those things to share with her and you want her to be in the pictures that is the passive way of doing it and even if it's not children just to be like well don't you think all the neighbours will think it's weird that you didn't come because I ran into someone I said you weren't coming

and they were so shocked and like really used that guilt. But I do think every conversation that Catherine just said there is so interesting and so important to have but definitely could be had on a dunking stool and there's no need to not put our two minds together. Yeah.

Because you could guilt them whilst mid-dunking and I think the results might be, I personally think you'd get the results you wanted faster. Not to condone torture. The other thing I would emphasise in the letter is like that I presume your partner's parents will be there and that's I think a really nice move is to be like I know that my partner will have her family

alongside her and standing with her and also the other thing to say is like this is the thing again this is the core of it right this is ultimately why you want her to be there and also what I think she needs to hear which is like God I fucking hate appeasing and sucking up to homophobes but okay let's do this

I think you just say how much she means to you because then what you're essentially saying is like an incredibly important person whom I've loved for my whole life won't be present of this thing fuck I

it's so hard to find out I'm so sorry by the oh I think I should have started with that I'm really sorry it's happening it's really fucking disappointing to find out that your parents love is conditional I think that's what's devastating about it and I'm really sorry that you're experiencing that right now and if she says no

if you want to do this by all means do I get it we've all begged parents to accept us for loving the people we love which is a mad thing

to have to do but if it doesn't go that way and if for some reason she doesn't choose to be there everybody's in the room loves you as you are

and I just think that you should try if you can't have an amazing day with the person you're going to start your own family with because what it is

a lovely thing about getting married is that you're taking an opportunity to reform the structure of family for yourself and you get to break generational patterns and you'll be at your kid's wedding and I think that's what you should remember on the day and I'm sorry for getting so sincere but I'm really sorry it's happening.

That was really nice Catherine. That was really nice. It's so fucking boring. No it's not but that was it's boring to have to constantly be like please can you treat us like people? Yeah but the answer I thought was so amazing and so well said through someone who's got

so much prosaqo in their sisters. And we have to admire it. I'm so tired. Would you like a fun detail about the way? Please, Jesus, yes. Oh my God, they're walking down the aisle to tell as all this time. I mean, maybe. Okay.

But they are being walked down the aisle. Sorry, these men, I assumed they were women. They're two men, yeah. Okay. They're being walked down the aisle by their elder gay mentor, who's being listed in the program as Queen Mother. Yes! Oh my God!

Wait to center myself in the story just immediately assumed they were lesbian. I know, I know, I don't. I assumed the mother was in the church. I was like, this is me and I am. It's because you do struggle inherently to believe that we have listeners that aren't lesbian.

There are men even, I think. Oh, cuties. Shador. And a final problem as well? Yeah, go on. A bit more lighthearted. Oh, please, Jesus. Please not.

Hey, did you guys hear that capitalism is deeply unfair in ruining the lives of young people? Hey, have you, does anyone forgotten that people still hate gays? Please, Jesus. I don't know. I kept it quite light. Dunking stall and Jester's like zoo animal named after poor people. Fun. Like, this one is entitled Devastating Grief. Okay, you do the fun answer. No, no, no. Catherine's going to do the fun answer. I'm going to do the serious one for whatever it is. I don't trust you to do it. No, I can do it. No, I can do it.

So it's specifically about a work situation, but I think it's irrelevant to Christmas as well with certain relatives. Okay. Because this person works in middle management in a school has to put up with socialising with very boring. colleagues. So is that like a year head not a principal? Is that what we're talking? Middle management of a school? I guess so. How do I seem how do I be sympathetic

and be interested in shit I don't care about with their boring discussions? I actually know. Colleagues or with the children? Colleagues. Okay cool because with the children I was like mate you're being paid. I know how to make school interesting but I don't know whether it's the serious answer we need. So you have to play games right?

So I'd say start a rumor and see how long it takes to get back to you. I think like the staff room is your playground and people do inherently forget that. I think like nothing, nothing like guess who's sleeping with that year nine, like nothing weird. But like have fun with it.

Let loose. They're smoking in their cupboard. They've got pot in their desk. Like a bit of fun. And that's the way to make it good. Also, there's going to be boring people. Like everywhere you go. But like you don't have to,

just because they're boring, I feel sometimes people like hold back in conversations that they're talking to someone that thinks boring they sort of become boring themselves because they're trying to sort of like be like, no, I don't really. And it's like, just be yourself. Like you'll be surprised at how many freaks are out there

who are just like pretending for the workplace that they're not really into Pokemon Go. Like, but like if you are willing to put yourself out there, you'll find your crime. Start at lunchtime bingo. Start at lunchtime bingo. What lunchtime bingo? You now run bingo at lunchtime.

No one can talk. They have to play. If they're in the staff room they're in, they're playing, you're running it. You get to show off your pizzazz. You get to have a bit of fun. They all love you. Boring people worship bingo leaders.

That's good actually. Lunchtime bingo. Lunchtime bingo. Oh my God, you're a genius. Thank you. That's great. Oh, and instead of numbers, you can have kids' faces from the year group.

Excuse me, this is my, you're doing the serious answer. I'm doing. Oh, yeah, sorry. No, no, Catherine, you mustn't. Yes. They should talk. Lunchtime bingo, no, talking on. You're only like to open your face to eat.

because I'm in charge. Oh, that's so good. Okay, and you should talk with your colleagues about your feelings and work out why it is you haven't clicked yet. Never talk to them, wait till they die. Is it because you're queer? What? What?

I have a religious father. Who are you don't do middle management? Fuck you. And I think, you know, it's important even, you know, just to keep the space clean. Pooh, pooh. Oh my God, that would be so fun. Start a poo book. You know those books they have at some toilets

where Liverpool write what they had? You could start that in the star room. Nobody has that. Okay. No, but do you remember like six years ago it was like a big gift and people would give you like you just visited my toilet book

and it was like a guest book for toilets and people would write down like number one and the last year friends. It was like the most popular gift of the year. Amongst this men in sewage? Amongst the men and sewage. No, it was a thing. It was a thing.

men and sewage in Brighton. You know what, guys? I, right, tweet Catherine and Andrew with images of this book because I know it was the most popular gift of that year. I will, fuck it, I would die on this hell.

It was a, and you'd be like, is it corny? Is it, is it liquid? Like, corny. Helen, shut the fuck up. I actually, no, sorry, sorry, I blacked out for a second because I didn't want this to be happening

and then I came back in and you were saying something disgusting and I want to say, stop, stop. Stop. A big lamp. Now, it's got the juice. Oh no, context you. Okay, we're done.

We're done. Okay, thank you so much for listening. Please vote for us in the National Comedy Awards. We'll do better. We'll do better. Can I make one last apology to anybody who was trying to eat some chocolate, Christmas chocolate in this time when they had to listen to that? I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I don't like myself either. No, we don't like you. I don't like me. Hey, happy Christmas, lads. Happy Christmas. And have a lovely new year. We'll have a best of episode.

in the new year and then we're back full time from the 12th I believe I'll be in Disney World what not when we're recording M-I-C-E-Y But you're going to be in for the recording We'll talk about it now

Bye Bye I earned my degree on the degree online at Arizona State University. because I knew that I'd get a quality education. They were recognized for excellence and that I would be prepared for the workforce upon graduating. To be associated with ASU, both as a student and alum, it makes me extremely proud.

And having experienced the program, I know now that I'm set up for success. Learn more at ASUonline.asu.org.org.